Full Frontal (1993) Season 5 Episode 6

Reality Central USA

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Transcript

00:27This is a production of WGBH.

00:47Good evening. Welcome to Australia's Most Wanted. I'm Roger Clemson.

00:51Tonight we start with a nasty incident involving a gang of youths in the northern suburbs.

00:57Please remember that what you are about to see is a reenactment.

01:00The people playing out this criminal scene are not criminals, rather they are actors and performers.

01:07In fact, tonight's dramatised reenactment is performed by an interpretive dance ensemble known as Connections.

01:15On Thursday, January 24th this year, 81-year-old Celia Crookshank was walking home from the shops when she was

01:22confronted by a group of youths.

01:29The gang circled Mrs Crookshank, threatening and terrifying.

01:33Remember, this is a dramatised reenactment. It is not actual footage of the crime.

01:39Two of the gang members then tried to wrench the handbag off Mrs Crookshank.

01:43Bravely she resisted, fighting tooth and nail with every last ounce of her strength.

01:48One unidentified member of the gang then attacked Mrs Crookshank with a knife.

01:52She could fight no longer and fell to the ground.

01:58Her cowardly attackers then celebrated their heinous crime for a few moments,

02:02before scurrying away from the scene, leaving Mrs Crookshank unconscious.

02:08If you can help police with any information about this crime,

02:11or if you can suggest a few new dance steps, please hold on.

02:18Just because I wear makeup doesn't mean I have to wear it on my clothes.

02:23Revlon creates colour stay, makeup that won't rub off on your collar.

02:27Or on him.

02:29And it's so easy to apply.

02:32Colour stay will have just applied all day.

02:36Even when he does this.

02:40Stay tuned to your ABC Tonight for top Australian viewing.

02:43And don't forget at 7.30,

02:44Kerry O'Brien interviews Chairman Donald MacDonald and Brian Johns

02:47about mistaken allegations the ABC is receiving sponsorship from commercial interests.

03:08Whether it's electrical goods, sporting goods or clothing,

03:11now there's a new way to shop.

03:13The theft shop.

03:14The theft shop offers you high quality second hand merchandise,

03:18but with one important difference.

03:20At the theft shop, we cut out the middle man and sell direct to you.

03:24Another great advantage that the theft shop has over its competitors

03:28is free home delivery.

03:30Simply ring the theft shop and order a VCR, some CDs or any other household item

03:35and the theft shop will deliver it to your store within the hour.

03:40Each theft shop is owned and operated by a local burglar.

03:44With local knowledge, reliable, experienced thieves

03:47who know very well what you like

03:48because they've been knocking the stuff off for years.

03:51So yous are always sure to find something

03:53and a theft shop is just right for use.

03:55So whether yous are after a second video recorder for the biters

03:59or yous need to replace items as part of an insurance claim,

04:03the theft shop is the sensible alternative.

04:05The theft shop.

04:07Receiving stolen goods since late last night.

04:10Oh my God.

04:18Welcome to the program.

04:20The weak decision has confused and perplexed Australians

04:23since it was brought down in the High Court last year.

04:26What does it really mean for Aboriginal title and pastoral leases?

04:30Joining me tonight is the Prime Minister John Howard.

04:32John Howard, can you please explain...

04:35explain to us the weak decision?

04:38Kerry, look...

04:39Now, before I start...

04:41Can I...

04:42Can I just...

04:43Can I...

04:43Well, hold on.

04:44Yeah.

04:45Can I just say that I have drawn up a ten-point proposal...

04:48Okay.

04:50...which will make clear to us...

04:51Yeah.

04:52...the wick and...

04:52What...

04:53What we can trails...

04:54And hopefully, we'll be putting this whole...

04:57...whole issue to rest.

04:58Okay.

04:59And what's...

04:59What's in the ten-point proposal?

05:01Well, ten points.

05:07Well, I mean...

05:08No, no, we'll...

05:10You know, ten...

05:11Ten...

05:12Ten...

05:12Ten points seems a fair sort of number.

05:14Yeah, sure.

05:14And I mean, if you're going to call something the ten-point proposal...

05:17Yep.

05:18...you might as well have ten points.

05:21Well, frankly, you could end up looking like a bit of a googie-ass.

05:24Okay.

05:25Yeah.

05:26Okay, but...

05:27But, Prime Minister, what...

05:29What are they about?

05:30Well, I...

05:31Well, I don't know really where to start.

05:34Well, start...

05:35Start...

05:35Start with point number one.

05:37Right.

05:37Well, all right.

05:38Well, point...

05:38Point number one...

05:39Yeah.

05:39Point number one is the first point.

05:41Yeah.

05:42And, uh...

05:43And we'll be...

05:44We'll be putting that particular point first.

05:55Point number two?

05:56Well, Kerry, yeah.

05:57Well, it's pretty much like point number one.

06:00Yeah.

06:01Only it comes second.

06:02Yeah.

06:02Now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now.

06:06Yeah.

06:07Now, most people would concede...

06:09Okay.

06:09...that point, uh, number three would follow.

06:11Yeah.

06:12And, uh, and, uh, you'd have to be fairly politically naive...

06:16...not to, uh, not to realise that point number four would come next.

06:20Yeah.

06:20And, uh, characters along the lines of five, six, and seven.

06:25Yeah, five, six, yep.

06:25Eight.

06:26Yeah, now you're on the right track.

06:27Right.

06:27Okay.

06:28And, uh, then it's nine, ten...

06:30...a big fat hen.

06:32Oh.

06:33Mm-hmm.

06:34Now, look, Kerry...

06:35Yeah.

06:35...I'm not going to come on here and participate in what should be meaningful debate...

06:41Okay.

06:41...if you're going to sit there and go silly and be childish, Bill.

06:45Run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run...

06:51Shut up!

07:13...I'll be your fork, I'll be your spoon, I'll be your TV dinner...

07:18...I'll be your sock, I'll be your shoe, I'll be your turn...

07:22...I'll make this song and play the flick, truly, madly, deeply do...

07:27...'cause it's more romantic than Die Hard 2...

07:31...this is a song that I wrote, with too many high notes...

07:36...the one that's way down here...

07:41...I wanna make an art of film clip...

07:45...wear lots of black crushed velveteen...

07:50...I wanna be in all the close-ups...

07:55...because it helps my self-esteem...

07:59...I want an Asian girl in a bride's frock...

08:04...and a banana wearing a hat...

08:08...I want a monkey playing piano...

08:14...you can't get much more stupid than that...

08:20...really madly, deeply poorly...

08:22...and a sickly, strangely sorely...

08:25...dopey, sneezy, grumpy, sleepy...

08:27...boogie, woogie, creepy, crawly...

08:30...locky, Andy, Cammy, Daddy...

08:32...Hitty, Sammy, Doggy, Fatty...

08:35...Mary, Mary, quite contrary...

08:36...heavy, haughty, hefty, hefty...

09:06...Mom, can you please fix it now?

09:11No!

09:13Dad's turn!

09:14Sorry, Blake, I'm trapped.

09:15Take care.

09:17Hey, Daddy's cooking!

09:19I've got my heart...

09:21...but I can't take you back...

09:28...people in the law...

09:29...it's the law...

09:30...because there are other people...

09:31...that...

09:31...you might use guilt in this way.

09:34Uh, Miss Neville?

09:36No?

09:37Anybody?

09:38Okay, people, that's enough for this evening.

09:41Thank you very much.

09:42Please leave your assignments up here on the front table...

09:45...Just papers earned 25% for their final grades...

09:49...please read chapters 5 and 6...

09:52...The Argyle.

09:53Thank you very much.

10:17Some people won't be going home tonight.

10:21Some people don't have a home to go to.

10:24Since the Catholic Church started selling off their convents to land developers,

10:29more and more nuns have been left to live on the streets.

10:34Getting by as best they can.

10:40Living on the edge of the law.

10:54I'm trying to make it in a society which has turned its back.

11:24I'm trying to make it in a society which has turned its back to live on the streets.

11:28Give them the chance in life they so desperately need.

11:40Help save the nuns.

11:42Not for God's sake, but for ours.

11:54Tonight we look for a woman who was five foot two, with green eyes, blonde hair and a huge bust.

12:00But first, the show.

12:03John Howard, you don't understand the Wick decision, do you?

12:08Do you say?

12:09No, you don't.

12:10Do you say?

12:12All right then, okay, we'll explain it to the viewers.

12:15In point form?

12:16No, just tell us what the hell it means.

12:20Well, all right.

12:21All right.

12:22Okay.

12:22No, no, you get that right.

12:23Kerry, Kerry, Kerry.

12:24No, Kerry, Kerry, Kerry.

12:25Go on out.

12:26Okay, well, I will.

12:27I will now tell you.

12:29Okay.

12:29I will now tell you about Wick and what it means.

12:44Tomorrow night on Perspectives.

12:46The other side of Mahatma Gandhi.

12:49I think in any assessment of the great leaders of this century, Mahatma Gandhi would have to be in the

12:55top two or three.

12:56What few people realize, however, is that he was also an accomplished motocross rider.

13:04Yes, yes, he was a man among men.

13:07Yes, he brought a nation together.

13:09But I think I will always remember him for the way he and his motorcycle worked as one.

13:42Gandhi, the motocross champion.

13:44Tomorrow night on Perspectives.

13:51Great sex.

13:53It's something we all want in our relationships.

13:56For 15 years, the art of making love video series has been showing couples how to make the most of

14:02physical intimacy.

14:04Our eight-volume library has sold more than 700,000 copies.

14:09And now, bloopers are available.

14:13That's right, all the chills, thrills and zany spills from eight years of sex instruction videos.

14:18Anything can go wrong, and probably will, in this laugh-a-minute collection.

14:23Missionary Impossible, take one.

14:25Oh, you-

14:27Oh, oh, oh.

14:33Oh, oh.

14:44Oh!

14:46Oh!

14:49Oh!

14:52Rat pulled up her ass and died or sick.

14:55Jesus.

14:56Kevin.

14:57Everybody does it.

14:59All of life's most embarrassing moments from life's most intimate moments.

15:04Oh!

15:08Sorry.

15:15Richard, I've decided I want to end the relationship.

15:20Why?

15:21It's going so well.

15:23Well, you remember when we first started to go out, we said we'd be completely honest with each other.

15:28Yeah, of course I remember.

15:29And I told you all my innermost feelings, you know, my love for romantic movies and my incredible fear of

15:34the dark.

15:34Yeah, yeah, and I told you.

15:36I've committed 18 armed robberies, 4 abductions, I've done 39 assaults with 106 deadly weapons, 15 muggings, I've done 7

15:46bombings and I once exposed myself to a nun.

15:52But you didn't tell me the whole truth, did you?

15:55Well, maybe it was 14 muggings.

15:57I don't know, I don't know.

15:59There's a darker side to you that you haven't told me about.

16:04Who's been talking?

16:06Just one of your work colleagues.

16:10Yeah, alright.

16:11I suppose you were bound to find out sooner or later.

16:15I spent a few months in...

16:19in the...

16:20Say it, Richard.

16:22The Australian Taxation Office.

16:26Look, I was young, I was impressionable, alright?

16:28Well, what happened to all those beautiful stories about kneecapping people and cutting off people's big toes with a bolt

16:33cutter?

16:33Were you just sweet-talking me?

16:36Yeah, yeah.

16:39You probably haven't even got a criminal record.

16:42I got fined once.

16:44For burning leaves on a total fire band day.

16:47Here's me thinking I'm going out with Chopper Reed and I'm going out with Don Burke.

16:52Sarah, please.

16:54Come on, we can work this out.

16:55I can change.

16:56I can.

16:57I can be the criminal maniac bastard you want me to be.

17:00I could start out small and get bigger.

17:02You know, I could piss in phone booths and set fire to bus shelters.

17:05I could spray paint huge penises on railway stations.

17:10Oh, Richard, I just don't know if I can trust you anymore.

17:13Excuse me, mate, can I get through here?

17:16Oh!

17:18Oh, Richard, you complete prick!

17:28It seems everyone wants to be a star.

17:31And if you can't be one, the next best thing is to live like the star you want to be.

17:36Tonight we look at a young Melbourne woman, Petula Sandalbank, whose entire life is devoted to being Kate Moss.

17:49Petula, when did you first decide to live your life as Kate Moss?

17:53Well, you know, when you're hearing 24 hours a day,

17:56oh, my God, you look like Kate Moss.

17:58Of course, you know, I'm just going to start thinking, well, maybe I are Kate Moss.

18:04People have actually told you you look like Kate Moss.

18:08Well, I haven't actually seen them say it, but I've heard the voices.

18:14Every day, Petula puts herself through exactly the same rigorous physical routine as a supermodel hero.

18:24A thousand.

18:33A thousand.

18:35Not even sweaty.

18:37She then sucks herself up to be Kate Moss for the day.

18:41What's his stomach?

18:42Steel spring.

18:43What's he going to do?

18:44Hold my breakfast down the S-bend.

18:46I can't!

18:47No, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

18:51Petula's bedroom is a shrine to Kate Moss and everything she stands for.

18:56This is my Calvin Klein bed.

18:58And this is my Calvin Klein lamp.

19:00And this is my Calvin Klein plant.

19:03And this is my Calvin Klein toilet.

19:05And this is Tilbury, my Calvin Klein dog.

19:09Oh, Tilbury.

19:10But how do Petula's parents react to what some might regard as an unhealthy obsession?

19:16We spoke with Petula's father.

19:17Look, frankly, I don't know what's gotten into the girl.

19:21Where she gets these stupid ideas from as anybody's guess.

19:24She's just weird.

19:25Ron, leave the girl alone.

19:29That's enough.

19:30That's enough.

19:53That's enough.

19:55Now of course.

19:55I've got some general servants to their lives.

19:57They've chosen to ignore the collected wisdom of the church...

20:00And the Bible...

20:02And, in fact, God himself...

20:03Because they think they can do better.

20:04Well, we'll see.

20:05Won't we?

20:07Paul, if you could repeat after me...

20:10I, Paul Wilfred Stanton.

20:12I, Paul Wilfred Stanton.

20:14Oh, that's original.

20:16Promise to love you with all my heart.

20:18Promise to love you with all my heart.

20:21Oh, that's lovely.

20:22To respect you as an equal as I share my life with you.

20:26To respect you as an equal as I share my life with you.

20:30And respect you.

20:32Did you think of that by yourself?

20:34Yeah.

20:34That's very clever.

20:35And to help you become the person you want to be.

20:40And to help you become the person you want to be.

20:45No, it's very sweet, really.

20:48Heather, what have you got for us?

20:50I, Heather Jane Whelan.

20:52I, Heather Jane Whelan.

20:53Love you, Paul, like the birds love the trees through all the seasons.

20:56Love you, Paul, like the birds love the trees.

20:58Oh, this is crap.

21:01Hey, we worked really hard at these vows.

21:04Well, you think this was whipped up in an afternoon, do you?

21:07Why?

21:10We just thought...

21:11What, you just thought St. Augustine said,

21:13I'll just write whatever pops into my head today, I think,

21:15because I'm sure that a couple of 23-year-old wankers from Surrey Hills

21:18can come up with something much more meaningful.

21:21I mean, how would you like it if I just started to make it up as I went along, eh?

21:24Could we just finish the ceremony, please?

21:25Oh, yeah, sure, let's finish it.

21:26By all means, why not?

21:27Um, by the power vested in me by Zoltan, the great world warrior of the planet Sprog,

21:35I now pronounce you, frisbee love wand, and you, poodle breath.

21:40You may kiss the bride.

21:42Thanks.

21:42Don't mind if I do.

21:46Just because Victoria's on the move doesn't mean my hair has to move.

21:51A little more on this side, thanks.

21:54New hair stay for Jeff.

21:56For hair that won't budge even when protesters do this.

22:01Or this.

22:05In fact, nothing they throw at me will ever stick.

22:09K&F, intergraph, casino tendering,

22:12because I use Teflon stay hair.

22:16And I'm going to stay hair as long as I like.

22:18New from Teflon.

22:20It'll keep you in government pure and simple.

22:23Oh!

22:31As, as, as, as, Kerry.

22:33Yeah?

22:33As, as we all know.

22:35Yeah.

22:35As we all know, the Aboriginal people.

22:37Yeah.

22:38For thousands of years have regularly set fire to the scrub

22:41as a means of bush rejuvenation.

22:46Right?

22:47Yeah, yeah, yeah.

22:47But quite often,

22:48as they are rubbing the two sticks together

22:50to make the fire,

22:52to light up the bush,

22:54so on and so forth,

22:55they would get their fingers and toes burnt

22:57because it would,

22:58it would ignite very quickly.

23:00So, so, so, so, so, so, so.

23:02So one,

23:03one day,

23:04a bright spark came up with the idea

23:07to,

23:08he decided

23:09to use a long piece of string.

23:11Yeah.

23:11So they'd set fire

23:12with the,

23:13with sticks.

23:14Yeah, with this rubbing.

23:15It would burn along the string

23:16and it would set fire to the bush.

23:18Now, now, now, now,

23:19you with me?

23:20Yes, I think so.

23:22Right, good.

23:22Now,

23:23the historic decision

23:53to use

23:54yet another part of the country

23:55recorded its hottest,

23:57driest summer

23:58on record.

24:00Well, we here at

24:01Australian National Nightly Network News

24:03were as horrified as you were

24:05as every night

24:06the weatherman brought us

24:07his dire prognostications

24:08of flood,

24:09fire

24:10and cyclone.

24:11So we sacked

24:12the miserable turd

24:13and from now on

24:15I'll be reading the weather.

24:18And the weather tomorrow

24:19will be fine throughout

24:20except in farming areas

24:22where there'll be

24:23some much needed rain

24:24with a few refreshing gusts

24:25of light wind

24:26perfect for drying

24:27that washing.

24:28The outlook for the

24:29up and coming test match

24:30is for perfect cricket weather

24:32unless of course

24:33the Australians

24:33look like losing

24:34in which case

24:35it'll piss down

24:36on the final day.

24:38That's Australian

24:39National Nightly Network News

24:40giving you

24:41the weather forecast

24:42you want.

24:55Hi.

24:56Look, the Roman Catholic Church

24:58has been getting

24:59a lot of bad press lately.

25:00Physical and mental

25:01abuse of children

25:02sexual misconduct

25:03kidnapping, torture

25:04even murder.

25:05And there's something

25:06I'd like to make

25:07absolutely clear.

25:09It's mainly the nuns.

25:11And the brothers

25:12obviously.

25:13The priests have had

25:14nothing to do with it.

25:15I mean, yes,

25:16there was that bishop

25:16in England that ran off

25:17with the teenager

25:18but he was Anglican.

25:19By and large

25:20and generally speaking

25:20the Roman Catholic Church

25:22priests division

25:23has been pretty well behaved.

25:24So those bloody nuns,

25:26I told them,

25:26I sent a letter to the Pope

25:27I said,

25:27if they can't manage

25:28to drive a Corolla

25:29between the two of them

25:29what have they got

25:30looking after a bunch

25:30of kids without

25:31beating the crap out of them?

25:32It's got nothing to do with us.

25:34The priests are quite separate.

25:36And the brothers,

25:37well, you know,

25:37they're not fathers.

25:38Well, some of them

25:38are fathers obviously

25:39but, you know,

25:40I don't want to tell tales

25:41out of school

25:41but I've never trusted them.

25:43Most of them

25:44are alcoholics.

25:46Look, I'm not saying,

25:47you know,

25:47I'm not saying

25:47that there hasn't been

25:48the occasional priest

25:49that hasn't broken

25:50an occasional commandment

25:51or two.

25:51I mean, who hasn't?

25:52It's really hard

25:53to be celibate.

25:54I know Cliff Richard

25:55says he can do it

25:56but it's not the same.

25:57That's his decision.

25:58It hasn't been forced

25:59on him by some misreading

26:00of the Bible

26:00a thousand years ago.

26:02Anyway,

26:02where does Cliff

26:03get off being celibate?

26:04That's our gig.

26:05Do I go around

26:05on roller skates

26:06singing wide for sound?

26:07No, I don't.

26:08Well, I did last week

26:09but it was on a dare.

26:11My point is this,

26:12that on balance,

26:12the Roman Catholic Church

26:13leaving aside the nuns

26:14and those Alco Christian brothers

26:16is no more perverted

26:17and disgusting

26:17and psychopathically violent

26:19than any other religious order.

26:21Suing us

26:21this isn't going to solve anything.

26:22If we drowned,

26:24beat or electrocuted

26:24any of you

26:25when you were little

26:25then we're very sorry.

26:27We've been forgiving you lot

26:28for centuries.

26:29Now it's your turn.

26:30Thank you and good luck.

26:39Send in this couple, please.

26:44Hi, Doctor.

26:46Mr Ingalls,

26:47you've come alone.

26:48Sorry?

26:50This is marriage counselling,

26:51Mr Ingalls.

26:52It's usual for both members

26:53of the marital partnership

26:54to be in attendance.

26:55Ah, yes, we are.

26:57No, no, no.

26:58Your wife should be here.

26:59I am.

27:03I beg your pardon?

27:04Tell him we're desperate

27:05for his help.

27:06Tell him we're desperate

27:07for his help.

27:07Look, just stop.

27:08Leave it to...

27:08Doctor,

27:09we're desperate for your help.

27:11We want you to save our marriage.

27:15Well, all right.

27:18Now, um,

27:20both of you understand

27:21that I can only help you

27:22if you both choose

27:24to accept responsibility.

27:25Oh, we do.

27:26We do.

27:26Tell him we do.

27:27Tell him we do.

27:27Look, just leave it.

27:28Leave it.

27:29Yes, we do, Doctor.

27:29I understand completely.

27:31Good.

27:31I never blamed you

27:32for any of our problems anyway.

27:33What do you mean

27:34you've never blamed me

27:35for any of our problems?

27:35All you do is nag.

27:37You nag, nag, nag.

27:38Oh, I'll give you nag.

27:39Oh, yeah.

27:39Look, that's about all

27:40you'll give me, isn't it?

27:40Oh, shut up,

27:41you bastard, bitch.

27:42Ah!

27:44Hey, hey, hey, hey,

27:46calm down.

27:47Just look, look.

27:49Just, um...

27:50Just relax, would you?

27:52All right?

27:53Sorry.

27:55Do you mind if I smoke?

27:57No.

27:58No, go ahead.

28:00Thanks.

28:02I mind.

28:03I don't care.

28:04I don't mind.

28:04That's too bad.

28:05That's too bad.

28:06Just...

28:06Just get up,

28:07Mr. England,

28:08will you?

28:08Don't touch me.

28:09Just get up.

28:13Just...

28:14Just...

28:27Just...

28:27Now, look.

28:28Look.

28:29Pull yourselves together.

28:31Sorry, Doctor.

28:32I can't help it.

28:33I don't know what got into us.

28:34All right, all right, all right.

28:34Just take a seat.

28:39Now, you two have some very serious problems.

28:43Very serious problems indeed.

28:45I'm going to recommend that you make an appointment to see a specialist.

28:47Oh, thanks, Doctor.

28:49I really appreciate that.

28:50That means a hell of a lot to us.

28:51Thanks very much.

28:52Good, good.

28:53Um, Mr. Ingalls?

28:55Yes?

28:56Ah.

28:56I wonder if I can have a word to your wife in private for a moment, please.

28:59Oh, of course, Doctor.

29:03Has he gone?

29:04Yes.

29:06Dolores?

29:06Yes.

29:07Does he know about us?

29:08He doesn't suspect a thing.

29:09Oh, thanks.

29:09Oh, thank God.

29:40Well, salutations, I'm Ian Goodings

29:43and welcome to National Nightly Network News

29:45where the news is served just the way you like it.

29:47Fast, greasy and out of my mouth.

29:50And coming up in tonight's news,

29:52Pauline Hanson's One Nation Party launch, a great success,

29:56and the pig that talks back on our screens again.

29:59And I should stress that those are two separate stories.

30:02But first, these ones.

30:04Well, beleaguered Senator Mal Colston

30:06has registered a name for his own political party.

30:09The party's short title is Queensland First.

30:12The full title being Queensland First Class,

30:16New South Wales and Victoria Business Class

30:18and Vanuatu Economy but with two meals.

30:22Well, Melbourne's Tullamarine Airport has sold for only $1.3 billion.

30:27Bidders say they would have gone higher,

30:29but the property was right under the flight path.

30:32And with the Aussie cricket team flying out for the Ashes Tour of England,

30:36Captain Mark Taylor's run of bad luck continued today

30:38when he played forward and missed the plane.

30:42Well, if you like Chess the Musical,

30:44then you'll love having a burnt spear shoved up your arse.

30:50Tickets are available at Bass.

30:53Got to hand it to Lloyd Webber.

30:54He really can churn them out.

30:56And in financial news,

30:58I earn a lot more than you do.

31:04Well, the last survivor of the Titanic disaster died earlier this week

31:07when the wheelchair she was travelling in was struck by an ice cube.

31:13And a syndicate of 12 people from suburban Adelaide

31:16are celebrating tonight after realising that they may as well

31:19because their miserable lives aren't going to get any better.

31:24And police are disappointed at the lack of success

31:27of their entry in the Archibald Prize this year.

31:30The subject is wanted for questioning over several ram raids

31:34involving a chain of liquor stores.

31:36Pathetic. Looks nothing like me.

31:40Well, Labour's victory in Britain was nothing if not historic.

31:43The biggest swing in over 100 years,

31:45a record number of MPs in the House of Commons,

31:48and England excited at the prospect of a fresh government

31:51with new ideas and a new sense of accountability.

31:54And at the helm, Tony Blair,

31:56the youngest Prime Minister in modern history.

31:58We now cross live via satellite to No. 10 Downing Street

32:02for this exclusive interview.

32:07Hello, Cherie.

32:08Oh, God.

32:10Ian Goodings, Australian National Nightly Network News.

32:12Oh, a very special thank you to all you people in Australia

32:15and a very, very special thank you to your Prime Minister, Mr Kennett.

32:20Come on, darling.

32:21All right, here I come. I've got a wider face.

32:27Well, there you are.

32:28Rare footage indeed.

32:29An English politician having a normal sex life with his wife.

32:37It's the car that's touched a generation.

32:41It's the Hondatsu midlife crisis.

32:45Features include a specially adapted rear vision mirror

32:48to disguise that bald spot.

32:52And say goodbye to impotency fears

32:55with our specially designed airbag.

33:02And lastly, a radio antenna

33:05which lets them know exactly

33:07what sort of reception they can expect.

33:09The Hondatsu midlife crisis.

33:13Bimbo's not included.

33:15APPLAUSE

33:51Centralis Airlines, listen to me very carefully.

33:59I have planted a bomb in your part of the terminal.

34:06If you do not agree to my demands...

34:10Thank you for calling Centralis Airlines.

34:12If you have a touch phone, please listen carefully to the following options.

34:16If you wish to purchase an airline ticket, press 1.

34:19If you already have an airline ticket but would like to confirm your flight, press 2.

34:24If you intend to bomb our airline, press 3.

34:32Please listen to the following options.

34:34If you're a professional terrorist, press 1.

34:37If this is your first time, press 2.

34:39If this is a hoax and you got the idea from a crappy old airport movie, press 3.

34:47We are now ready to accept your ransom demand.

34:50If you desire the release of some political prisoners, press 1.

34:54If you'd like a million bucks, press 2.

34:57If you'd settle for 500,000 and a shitload of frequent flyer points, press 3.

35:04Your call has been traced and you will be arrested shortly.

35:07If you'd like to make a run for it, press 1.

35:09If you'd like to pray, press 2.

35:12If you'd like to stick your head between your legs and kiss your arse goodbye, press 3.

35:18Well, that's all we've got here tonight on Foreign Correspondent

35:20and that also brings us to the end of this series.

35:23I'm off on holiday now and I'll be going to

35:25Kallak-Unlun-Shanku

35:28Abong-Mabang

35:30Keelung

35:31Shattyon-South-Lwak

35:33Kalamazoo

35:34Bergen-Up-Zoom

35:35Schlichten-Gover

35:37Gelsenkirchen

35:38and perhaps Padmenabar-Purum

35:41Until then, it's

35:42Auf Wiedersehen

35:43Au revoir

35:43Sayonara

35:44Dosvidanya

35:45and catch you later.

35:47Time now to see how our phone lines have been going.

35:51Constable McMillan, how many calls have you received?

35:5423 calls, Roger.

35:55That sounds very promising.

35:57It certainly is.

35:58One of them's a banker and he thinks I'm cute.

36:00So, no help on the crimes there

36:02but Constable McMillan looks like she's in for some rumpy-pumpy tonight.

36:06Half for luck.

36:17And they all lived happily ever after.

36:24Now, show me the gap.

36:26That was a surprise, wasn't it?

36:28First tooth out.

36:29Wish your mum was here to see that.

36:31Mummy tells the tooth fairy to pick up my tooth.

36:34Of course you will.

36:35Can you just stick it under your pillow there?

36:37That's the way.

36:39Okay.

36:4199.

36:43Sleep well.

36:58Chief, this just came in.

37:04Six-year-old upper left incisor.

37:06Well, what are we supposed to do?

37:07All our tooth fairies are out on assignment.

37:12Aren't you forgetting about Tallulah?

37:14Mate, she is not a tooth fairy.

37:15She's a has-been.

37:17She used to be the best.

37:18Give her one more chance.

37:21You're right.

37:27I can't maintain a relationship with the hours I am working.

37:32I love you, but Kevin left me.

37:34Did I tell you about Kevin?

37:36He's the only man that I ever truly loved.

37:40And when he found out that I was a tooth fairy,

37:44he said, get a real job.

37:47You know, what?

37:50But, oh, I'm off my face.

37:53I've been having orgasms with the Easter Bunny.

37:57Yeah, all right.

38:00I'll do it for the kids.

38:10Shut up, you big red poof-star.

38:34I'm off my face.

38:42Oh, yes. Everybody loves Santa.

38:45Everybody sings songs about Santa.

38:47I like to sit on my fat ass.

38:50I've been putting around my reindeer.

38:56Jesus, you're pretty big for a six-year-old.

39:12Where have you put your tooth, you loser?

39:23The number you have dialed is incorrect.

39:31Hello? Mission Control?

39:34This is a tooth fairy here.

39:36You have sent me to the wrong bloody address.

39:39Just checking on that now.

39:40Negative, Tallulah. That is the correct address.

39:43Now, don't let me down.

39:44If you don't come back with that tooth, we're both for the jump.

39:48OK, boyo.

39:49Well, it's either your job or my teeth.

39:56Ooh.

39:57I...

39:58Kevin?

40:05Tallulah?

40:09Ooh.

40:12Dad, the tooth fairy didn't come.

40:17Oh, yes, she did.

40:22Can you please fix it now?

40:26No.

40:27Dad, come.

40:28Sorry, I'm late. I've got trapped.

40:30It's OK.

40:32OK.

40:32I've got many women to cry, but I can't take you back.

40:40I've got a number of people in love, so long as there are other people left over.

40:45The group of mine used guilt in this way.

40:47Miss Neville?

40:49No?

40:50Anybody?

40:52OK, people, that's enough of this evening.

40:54Thank you very much.

40:55Please leave your assignments up here on the front table.

40:58I've got many women to cry.

41:02Please read chapters five and six of the Argyle.

41:06I've got many women to cry.

41:40I've got many women to cry.

41:46I've got many women to cry.

41:48I've got many women to cry.

42:06Problems with the Hubble Space Telescope have meant that images sent back to Earth have

42:10been of poor quality.

42:12Continuing repairs on the $8 billion piece of equipment have made only marginal improvements.

42:16Joining me in the studio now is an Australian scientist who may have the answer naturally.

42:21NASA has been looking for.

42:23Professor Nobby Doldrums, welcome to the program.

42:25Howdy, Kerry!

42:26Tomorrow you're planning on meeting with NASA officials to unveil a brand new space telescope

42:32that you apparently have been working on for the last decade.

42:36Ta-da!

42:43That's impressive.

42:45Yeah.

42:45Do you want to try it out, Kerry?

42:46May I?

42:47Yeah, sure, but be very careful because it's a delicate piece of instrument there.

42:50So don't squeeze it?

42:52Don't squeeze it.

42:52No, that's a good idea.

42:54And, of course, the images will take several minutes to reach the telescope because they're

43:00light years away.

43:01Okay.

43:11Yes, it's fascinating, isn't it, looking at other worlds, Kerry?

43:14Yeah, I'm not quite sure.

43:16Oh, you look at it again.

43:17All right.

43:24Ah, yes.

43:24Yes, yes.

43:28Did you notice the rivers on Mars?

43:30No, I didn't.

43:30They're fascinating.

43:31Oh, no.

43:31Oh, yes.

43:32It's a network of rivers.

43:33It is indeed, yes.

43:35Do I have another look?

43:36Sure.

43:47It's a surprise bird, isn't it?

43:49Yeah, thank you very much, too.

43:50Okay, I might have another look.

43:50Have one more look, all right, then?

43:51I'm ready.

44:13I'm ready.

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