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Full Frontal (1993) Season 5 Episode 8
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FunTranscript
00:28This is a production of the U.S.A.
00:41Channel 7 congratulates Blue Healers, voted most popular series at the 1997 TV Week Logie Awards.
00:48Congratulations also to Tasma Walton, voted Best New Talent, Martin Sachs, voted Most Popular Actor,
00:54and Lisa McKeown, Most Popular Actress and winner of the Gold Logie.
00:58Channel 7 also congratulates News Director Damien Prescott for drinking the entire news crew under the table.
01:05Assistant Producer Atalanta Fox for successfully dacking all international guests as they walked off stage.
01:12Audio Technician Michael Pantella for the most ill-advised attempt at chatting up a celebrity.
01:22Publicist Rhonda McPhee for most indiscreet use of an illegal substance.
01:28Vision Switcher Pete Barone for most casual interpretation of the term formal dress.
01:34And Assistant Director Russell Simpson who managed to snog half the sovi starlets and then picked up the one I
01:40was after.
01:41The Bastards.
01:44Believe me, as a doctor I know the roads out there are dangerous.
01:49And the more time you spend on them, the riskier it is.
01:53If I drove a van for a living, I'd want a van that came with airbags as standard equipment.
01:59I'd want the only van that came standard with disc brakes on all four wheels.
02:04If I had to drive for a living, I couldn't have gone to uni for five years and started making
02:08a shitload of money as a surgeon.
02:11As a doctor, I drive a Jaguar.
02:13But if you don't make as much money as I do, and let's face it, that's pretty likely.
02:17Why not make your wheels a Volkswagen Transporter?
02:21All yours.
02:24The Volkswagen Transporter.
02:27Recommended by nine out of ten doctors.
02:29If we pay them enough, of course.
02:33Knock, knock. Have I got the right office?
02:36Mr Green.
02:37That's me, Richard Green. How do you do?
02:39Christine Bishop.
02:40Christine, do I detect a slight New Zealand accent there?
02:44Yes, you do.
02:47Fush and Chups.
02:49Fush and Chups, eh?
02:50Go on, say it.
02:51Go on, go on.
02:53Fush and Chups.
02:55That's the one, that's the one. Fush and Chups.
02:58Fush and Chups.
02:58You know, Christine, I think I might have some vinegar on my Fush and Chups.
03:06Sorry, mate, Richard Green.
03:07Neil Fusher.
03:08Neil Fusher.
03:10Fusher.
03:10What, have we got a Kiwi invasion on, have we?
03:14So, let me guess, son.
03:16Neil, with a name like Fusher,
03:17you'd be the bloke what catches the fush to go with the chips.
03:24Hey, hey, what's the capital of New Zealand?
03:27About two cents.
03:30How do you make a New Zealander into a small businessman?
03:33Give him a large one.
03:36Hey, hey, how does a New Zealander make a U-turn?
03:39He winks at her.
03:48It is getting a bit late.
03:50Yeah, it does, it does, it does, it does.
03:52It is getting late.
03:52Now, what time have we got?
03:54Um, five to eleven.
03:56Right.
03:57And what comes after five?
04:00I don't think that's really relevant.
04:01No, come on, come on, come on, Neil.
04:03You've got one, two, three, four, five.
04:05Sucks.
04:06Sorry, didn't you quite catch it?
04:09I said sucks!
04:11I said sucks!
04:11I said sucks!
04:12I said sucks!
04:16Come up there, come up there!
04:18Come on, Neil, come on!
04:24Have you furnished?
04:25I have furnished.
04:26I have furnished.
04:28Good.
04:29Then let's begin.
04:30Right.
04:31Now, I want to talk to you people about this ANZUS treaty.
04:34Now, you blacks are just not taking it seriously enough.
04:42Are you tired of chopping up potatoes by hand?
04:45Sick of the drudgery of peeling carrots?
04:47Have you had enough of trimming the rind off bacon?
04:50Have you worked your fingers to the bone,
04:52tried to remove stubborn mould from bathroom tiles?
04:55Are you sick to death of tea towels
04:56that keep leaving fluff on your glassware?
04:59Are you fatigued and bored by clothes pegs
05:01that mark your delegates?
05:02Oh, for God's sake, stop your bloody whinging.
05:13Good evening and welcome to the programme.
05:15The last 15 months, Alexander Downer
05:17has been our Minister for Foreign Affairs.
05:20That's of no relevance tonight, I just can't quite believe it.
05:24Joining me in the studio now is Prime Minister John Howard.
05:27John Howard, thanks for your time.
05:29Yeah, thank you, Kerry.
05:32OK, John Howard, Pauline Hanson.
05:35Well, look, Kerry, she's wrong, Kerry.
05:36She's wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.
05:38OK, well, you finally come out and said she's wrong
05:41about Asian immigration and about Aboriginal welfare.
05:44Why wasn't she wrong 12 months ago?
05:47Well, look, now, because, Kerry,
05:49we weren't aware then of the terrible damage that she was doing.
05:54OK, damage to what?
05:55Well, to our chances of re-election.
05:57Yeah.
05:57I mean, in rural areas, she's becoming far too popular,
06:01and it's no wonder the Nationals are all pooing their pants.
06:04OK.
06:05Yeah, well, tell me what it is about Pauline Hanson
06:09that you, personally, John Howard, finds most objectionable.
06:13Well, look, now, look, now, hold on.
06:15Well, look, I would have to say...
06:19John Howard?
06:19I would have to say that I find objectionable
06:22her lack of tolerance.
06:26Please explain.
06:28Well, look, Kerry, Australia...
06:30Yeah.
06:30...is a very tolerant nation.
06:32OK.
06:32We tolerate lots of different nationalities,
06:35but she does not.
06:36OK, when you say tolerate...
06:38No, well, look, no, no, no, no.
06:41Keep, keep, keep, keep up with me, will you, Kerry?
06:45OK.
06:47When I, when I say tolerate...
06:49Yes.
06:49...we put up with Asians, and she does not.
06:56You, you put up with them?
06:58Well, too right we do.
07:00We, we put up with Asians.
07:01We have a record of putting up with Asians.
07:04Our record is impeccable.
07:06It is unable to be pecked.
07:12It's OK, all right.
07:13Well, what about Ms. Hansen's One Nation party?
07:16What, what do you make of, of their policies?
07:18No.
07:18Oh, but...
07:20Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho,
07:27ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
07:29No, come on, come on.
07:30Well, how?
07:30All right.
07:32No, well...
07:33No, fair enough.
07:34No, go for John Howard.
07:35Will, will...
07:36Will, will...
07:36You just let me finish.
07:38John...
07:39OK, sorry.
07:40Now...
07:41Oh, no, no, look, what policies?
07:47OK, what policies?
07:48No, look, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
08:02She hasn't got any policies, Kerry, none.
08:05Except to run around saying what the government is doing is wrong.
08:10Well, isn't that exactly what you did to win the last federal election?
08:15No, look, what is your problem, Kerry?
08:17No, no, no, no, no, no, no, look, now, no, look, now, no, look, now, Kerry, now, no, look,
08:25now, Ray, Ray, Ray, Ray Martin, Ray Martin doesn't, he doesn't go on asking these sort
08:34of questions.
08:35I mean, look at that lovely interview he did last week with James Packer.
08:40Yeah, it was lovely. He didn't go on about media monopolies and difficult questions about nasty subjects. He asked James
08:49to propose to Kate Fisher on the telly. James and Ray are really, really good friends. I come on your
09:03programme and all you want to do is just give me a hard time.
09:08You don't like me, do you, John Howard? Well, no, Kerry, but I tolerate you.
09:23Hill, 16 Nicholls Avenue.
09:33Have you voted anywhere else today? No.
09:36Are you sure?
09:37In if.
09:47Tap.
10:01These are great! I'll take them!
10:08Out of here, it's just as tough as a one-night international.
10:12Ow! Mr. Taylor!
10:14I'm sorry!
10:16Let's go and say it's tough. I'll come from your place at first level. It's my backyard.
10:19A minute of doing antiseptic. Kills Jim's immediately on contact. Let's stay into no sting.
10:24Is that better?
10:25Much better.
10:26If it still hurts, maybe I can take your place.
10:28Oh, I used to be pretty handy with the bat.
10:30Used to be. You can't play for nuts.
10:32Oh, come on, fellas. A minute of doing antiseptic. Let's just play on.
10:35And I'm an expert at playing on.
10:37LAUGHTER
10:40APPLAUSE
10:52Kara and Tamara O'Hara are twin sisters.
10:56They've lived together in the same house all their lives.
10:59And they both share the same dream.
11:01To become world-famous tap dancers.
11:08Every waking moment of their lives is spent pursuing their goal.
11:13Even their morning ablutions present an opportunity to practice, practice, practice.
11:20LAUGHTER
11:29Breakfast!
11:30Come through. Come through.
11:33Tamara.
11:34Writing to Dean Perry and the tap dogs.
11:36We want to do work experience with them.
11:39Take us back to the beginning.
11:41Oh, well, we were raised by a very strict order of nuns.
11:44And they said whenever we had impure thoughts that we had to do something physical.
11:48But the only physical thing we could think of was tap dancing.
11:51How's it going any...?
11:52Oh, Tamara.
11:56Oh, Kara.
11:58LAUGHTER
12:00Kara and Tamara's love of tap dancing is not without its drawbacks.
12:05They find it very difficult to hold down jobs.
12:09LAUGHTER
12:09During the making of this documentary, they were both sacked from their current place of employment.
12:17LAUGHTER
12:22But just as one door closes...
12:24Afternoon, sister.
12:26Good afternoon, girl.
12:28Another one opens for these two toe-tapping twins.
12:32The world-famous blue-collar tap dancing troupe, Tap Dogs, have invited the twins to appear in their next show.
12:39In the middle, Kara and Tamara immediately go into training.
12:43To achieve the working-class feel that is the Tap Dogs' trademark, they both find jobs on a building site.
12:50Then one day, disaster strikes.
12:53The constant vibration of their tap shoes causes a major building to the players.
12:58LAUGHTER
13:00But the show must go on, and so Kara and Tamara O'Hara manage to realise their dream after all.
13:07Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome...
13:11The Tap Dogs!
13:20And their special guests, the Tap Twins!
13:25LAUGHTER
13:46Brian!
13:47Brian!
13:48Oh, hi, Phil. How are you?
13:50Hi, nice to see you again.
13:50Uh, Phil, have you met my wife, Daphne?
13:52Daphne, this is Phil Clavell, who's just joined us from Ericsson.
13:54Daphne, I haven't met you before. Hello. Nice to meet you.
13:56Hello, Phil.
13:57So, how many months is it?
14:02How many months is what?
14:04How many months is it?
14:11I'm not pregnant.
14:14No, I mean, how many months have you and, er, Graeme been married?
14:18Is it long, or...?
14:20LAUGHTER
14:22Paul!
14:23Phil!
14:23Hey!
14:24Phil, how are you?
14:25I'm very well. How are you?
14:26Yeah, great to see you very well.
14:29Um, Phil, I'd like you to meet my girlfriend, Rebecca.
14:31Nice to meet you.
14:32Hello, Rebecca. How are you?
14:33I'm well.
14:33Good.
14:33Yeah, so what's new?
14:36Oh, not much.
14:37What's new with you?
14:38Oh, well, not much.
14:41Apart from the obvious.
14:42LAUGHTER
14:45So, um, what do you think would be a good name?
14:48Name for what?
14:50Well, for what do you reckon?
14:52LAUGHTER
14:54Oh, I...
14:55Mobile...
14:56Electronics is a good name.
14:58I wouldn't, you know, I wouldn't be changing...
14:59Well, I'm not talking about the business, you big paloka.
15:02I'm talking about, er, this business.
15:04LAUGHTER
15:07Stomach.
15:08I'm having a baby.
15:10Oh, good.
15:11I didn't want to presume you were pregnant,
15:13cos, you know, when you're not and you presume you are,
15:15it's very embarrassing.
15:17You actually thought I was this fat.
15:19LAUGHTER
15:23Cats.
15:24They've got such a lovely, shiny coat.
15:26So what's their secret?
15:28It's spit.
15:29Cat spit.
15:30And now it's available for you
15:32to keep your hair looking lustrous and healthy.
15:36Cat spit.
15:37For healthy, shiny hair.
15:40LAUGHTER
15:42And the occasional football.
15:45APPLAUSE
15:53G'day, Dahl.
15:55Nick, we need to talk.
15:56Yeah, just check this out.
15:58The school's a level.
15:59No, we need to talk now.
16:01So if you'll excuse us, Pete,
16:03we'd like to be on our own.
16:04Yeah, just two minutes, Dahl,
16:05then you'll have my undivided attention.
16:07Yeah, sit down, Pete, don't worry about it.
16:10I'm talking about our relationship, Michael,
16:13and whether it should continue or not.
16:15Yeah, well, you know,
16:16can't wait 90 seconds.
16:18Oh!
16:20If it's going to come second to a football match,
16:22then it's not much of a relationship, is it?
16:24Pete, would you please come...
16:25No, Jane, you're being unreasonable.
16:27Sit down, Pete.
16:28Sit down.
16:29I'm being unreasonable.
16:31Are you going to turn off the television
16:32and talk to me or not?
16:33Jane.
16:35Are you going to turn that off or I walk?
16:38Pete, go.
16:39Get down.
16:40Sit down, Pete.
16:41Peter.
16:42Sit down.
16:43Please.
16:44Sit.
16:44Sit down, Peter.
16:46Turn it off.
16:47Get out.
16:51No, get out.
16:55Come here.
16:58Not you.
16:59Not you.
17:04There's a TV in the kitchen.
17:07TV in the...
17:08All right.
17:09I had a very bad day at work today.
17:12Oh, that's no good.
17:16Michael!
17:19Turn it off!
17:23I had a really bad day
17:24and I was just looking forward to coming home
17:27and having a glass of wine.
17:31Going to bed early.
17:34That's not unreasonable, is it?
17:38Um...
17:39No.
17:40No.
17:40No, of course not.
17:41No, it's not.
17:42Of course not.
17:42No.
17:43Hug me.
17:56You're a very naughty boy, aren't you?
17:59Yeah, I'm a very naughty boy.
18:01You know you are.
18:01Yeah, I know.
18:02You know you are.
18:03Yeah.
18:03I think you should give me a kiss
18:06and make it all better.
18:11Yeah, all right.
18:13Mark of a year!
18:15We're going to charge after the siren!
18:17Whoa!
18:20What's it going to be, Michael?
18:22Great sex
18:24or watching a man catch a ball?
18:26Hmm?
18:27Hmm?
18:29Hmm?
18:32Oh, gosh, you just make everything so clear.
18:36Mm-hmm.
18:46Are you sick of having to pay taxes
18:48to maintain cemeteries
18:50for people you don't know?
18:51Are you tired of dreary government-run cemeteries
18:54and the waste that they represent?
18:56Well, Stipco International has just bought hundreds of cemeteries
19:00right across Australia,
19:01so now everyone has a local muck cemetery
19:03just down the road.
19:06We at Stipco Cemeteries International
19:08will endeavour to make your visit a profitable one
19:10from the moment you drive through our gates.
19:22Stipco offers you more opportunities
19:24to mourn than ever before.
19:27And may her soul rest in peace.
19:30Amen.
19:30Amen.
19:31Well, to deliver the eulogy
19:33and some cherished memories of Dorothy,
19:35her son, William.
19:37But before he does...
19:39Barbara!
19:41Flowers, blackmail,
19:42hibroops, hankies!
19:44Make it a day out for the kids.
19:46Our recreation facilities will keep them amused
19:48for as long as you're prepared to pay.
20:02These last few moments are very precious.
20:06That's why the friendly people at Stipco
20:07are more than happy to let your loved ones stay
20:09as long as they like.
20:22Feeling a little teary?
20:24Well, cheer up with a visit to our souvenir shop.
20:32Stipco's McSymmetry.
20:33A place to park it when you cark it.
20:48Privatisation.
20:49It's a great way to dig your own grave.
21:20Well, good evening.
21:21I'm Ian Goodings.
21:22A concerned eyebrow, a wry smile
21:24and some dreadful puns
21:25all working together to bring me $400,000 a year.
21:29And ahead in tonight's news,
21:31unnecessary camera changes,
21:35plus alcoholism linked to impotence
21:37according to an article by my wife.
21:40A hyena wanted for armed robbery
21:43found laughing all the way to the bank.
21:46And Rex Hunt charged with sucking a fisherman's friend.
21:52But first the news.
21:54Well, they say a watched pot never boils,
21:56but it actually does.
21:59The Pauline Hanson bandwagon
22:01continues to roll around the country
22:03with her latest rally scheduled to be held in Wagga
22:05at seven o'clock this evening.
22:07And for supporters of Pauline Hanson,
22:09seven o'clock is when the big hand is on the twelve
22:11and the little hand's on the seven.
22:16Well, it's an issue that just won't go away.
22:18My herpes.
22:21Well, the extensive overhaul of the New South Wales Police Force
22:24is well underway.
22:25One department that is undergoing a massive clean-out
22:28is the Drug Squad.
22:29Joining me tonight are the ossophers
22:31heading the new department
22:32that will lead the country's fight against drugs.
22:35Constable Farge
22:36and Sergeant Spurge, welcome.
22:38Ian?
22:39Ian?
22:40Well, lots of us...
22:41I appreciate that you're new to the position,
22:44but what, in your opinion,
22:45is the biggest problem with drugs in Australia today?
22:48Oh, that's an easy one, Ian.
22:49They wear off too quick.
22:52Don't they say?
22:53Oh, I don't know anything about that.
22:54Oh, come off it.
22:55Come off what?
22:56Well, whatever you're on on Saturday night.
22:58We went to this warehouse party.
22:59It was fantastic.
23:00We wore our uniforms.
23:01We're not these ones.
23:02Fun fur ones.
23:02They were great.
23:03And he was hugging people and kissing them.
23:05Yes, yes.
23:05I mean, it's...
23:07I was just happy, that's all.
23:08You're a little too happy for my wife.
23:10He's rubbing hands on people.
23:12Yes, but it's not the users, is it?
23:14It's the people who are making and selling the stuff
23:16who need to be stopped.
23:17So, how do we catch the Mr. Biggs?
23:20Oh.
23:21I didn't know it was him.
23:22I thought he just robbed trains.
23:24I didn't know how to do it.
23:25Did you see Buster?
23:26Yeah, it was quite full.
23:27Yeah, that's a great idea.
23:28But look, I mean...
23:29Come in the air tonight.
23:33Like that.
23:34Yes, like that.
23:35I mean, it's an enormous problem.
23:37How do you propose to rid our society of the evil of drugs?
23:40Yes, that's a very good question, Ian.
23:42I think most people turn to drugs simply because they're bored.
23:44That's why I plan to set up a number of youth clubs for the youth
23:47instead of shooting up here and they can shoot pool
23:49or maybe I can teach them to turn cartwheels.
23:51I think that'll certainly throw a spanner in the works
23:52for old Mrs. Ronnie Biggs there.
23:54Look at this, look at my face in this.
23:57Oh, that's cool.
23:58Yeah.
23:59Oh, my tongue looks really long.
24:00Yeah.
24:01Yeah.
24:01My tongue.
24:03Yes, thank you.
24:05Yes.
24:05Yes, thank you.
24:07Well, Constable Roy Farch and Sergeant Leonard Spooge there
24:10spearheading the nation's war on drugs.
24:13Well, the new Crown Casino opened to much fanfare in Melbourne recently,
24:17but just how does the average person feel about it?
24:19We decided to axe an average person for his point of view.
24:23Thanks, Ian.
24:24Yeah, I just want to say I think the Crown Casino is a great thing for Melbourne.
24:27I was saying to my wife the other day,
24:29I come home from a hard day's work from the foundry with $300 worth of weekly pay in my pocket
24:33and there is just nothing to spend it on in this city.
24:36What this city needs is a gaming house so big it's got its own postcode.
24:41Well, Lloyd Williams has answered my prayers.
24:43Finally, there is somewhere in this boring excuse for a city
24:46where you can buy Arnold Schwarzenegger's apple strudel,
24:49go to the pictures at three o'clock in the morning
24:51and play on half a kilometre of pokey machines.
24:53Until the Crown Casino opened,
24:55if you wanted to look at a row of fire fountains
24:57or play baccarat and pie gow in a room with 2,000 other people,
25:00you had to go to Macau.
25:02But, you know, we've got something here that Macau doesn't have and will never have.
25:06Red Hot Ronda,
25:07the Crown's piece of resistance.
25:09This city has been crying out for a musical show
25:12made up of old Broadway songs performed in an American accent.
25:15And from what I've seen in the Herald Sun every day for the last year,
25:17Red Hot Ronda delivers the goods.
25:19Not only that, but the Crown Casino has the largest car park on earth.
25:23I think this city should get down on its belly in the mud
25:26and kiss Lloyd Williams' arse for what he's done.
25:29Because of him, Melbourne can now proudly take its place on the international stage
25:33as one of the gaming governors of the world.
25:35And I, for one, will be honoured to piss my money away
25:39in such a glamorous and expensive toilet.
25:48Well, well done.
25:49And that's just about it from the news set.
25:52Just a reminder that this weekend,
25:54I'm going to the pub on Saturday
25:56and plan to get completely legless.
25:58Hope to see you there just before I lose consciousness.
26:01And to all those at the Royal Oak,
26:04remember I am an organ donor.
26:06Good night.
26:08APPLAUSE
26:24One of the most breathtaking of the botanic gardens in Australia
26:27is this beautiful one right here in Melbourne.
26:29It's got wonderful shrubs and trees,
26:32but one thing it has over all the other botanic gardens
26:35is its glorious range of devastating plant diseases like fire blight.
26:40Look at this.
26:42It's beautiful.
26:43The fire blight has completely destroyed this cotoneaster plant.
26:47And with proper care and management,
26:49and of course, tons of wondrous fertiliser,
26:52it would completely wipe out our nation's entire apple and pear crop.
26:57But most of all, it's delicious.
27:05You know, they've got everything here in the Melbourne Botanic Gardens.
27:09From the bubonic plague...
27:12..right through to the Ebola virus.
27:18So, if you're keen on decimating primary industry in this country,
27:22come on down to the Melbourne Botanic Gardens.
27:24Pick up a few handy hints and maybe some typhoid.
27:27From the helpful staff here.
27:29So, until next week, then,
27:31keep eating the dung and blame it on New Zealand.
27:33Bye-bye, then. Bye-bye.
27:35There he is!
27:36Let's go!
27:57Sleep deprivation and human work schedules and high pressure.
28:01If it's true that this is the lot of our interstate truck drivers,
28:04then it's little wonder that many Australian trucking companies
28:07have come under the microscope.
28:09Well, Mr Stewart,
28:10are our trucking companies pushing our drivers too far?
28:13I don't think we are, Jacinda.
28:15There are people who think we are, but I'm not one of them.
28:17The interstate trucking game is a very competitive business,
28:20and you've got to be prepared to work hard to survive.
28:22But our statistics would suggest that while they're working hard,
28:26they're not all surviving.
28:27Is sleep deprivation a problem?
28:29No, it's easy.
28:30You just don't let them get icy.
28:32No, I don't think there's much sleep deprivation goes on.
28:34There are some people who think there is,
28:36but I'm not one of them.
28:38Well, these drivers here have just worked 88 hours consecutively,
28:41and they've only had two hours sleep per day for the past two weeks.
28:44What will the company do about that?
28:45Well, we put them on standby.
28:47Well, surely they need rest.
28:49Oh, rest, schmist.
28:50How tiring can it be sitting on your fat arse all day, eh?
28:53I mean, how much can it take out of you
28:55sitting on your coit going like this, eh?
28:58I can do that in my sleep.
28:59In fact, I have done on many occasions.
29:01There is a road sign, isn't there,
29:03that states drowsy drivers die?
29:05Yes, yeah, but, you know, so do alert ones.
29:08Eventually.
29:09I mean, I'll admit there are people
29:11who have died from falling asleep at the wheel, Jacinda.
29:13But I'm not one of them.
29:15But, Mr Stewart, I put it to you...
29:16Yeah, look, look, I run a pretty tight operation here.
29:19We've got to get them out, OK?
29:20David.
29:21Mr Stewart.
29:21David, you're next, mate.
29:23Mr Stewart.
29:23Come on, Dave, get up there and check the rigging, mate.
29:25Check those cleats.
29:26Why don't you be out at that jellicole over there?
29:28Why don't I think I'd be there?
29:32Here, Dave.
29:33What's this, Jeff?
29:38Come on, mate.
29:39OK, Dave, sign the release.
29:41Got on you, mate.
29:42Got to be in Sydney by 3am.
29:43Pick up the gas cylinder, it's 3.45 from Newcastle.
29:46I want you to go down to the Brisbane depot and back here by tomorrow morning.
29:50Okay, thanks very much.
29:52That's it.
29:53Good.
29:53Good day.
30:01From Sydney, the ABC's leg line.
30:03Here's Maxine McHugh.
30:05Federal Minister for Employment and Education, Senator Amanda Vanstone,
30:09has recently introduced controversial amendments to the tertiary education fee structure,
30:15but she refuses to debate the issue on Australian campuses,
30:19fearing that students will make fun of her appearance.
30:22Senator Vanstone joins me from Sydney.
30:26Here I am, Maxine.
30:28That's a doll.
30:30No, I'm the Federal Minister for Employment and Education.
30:34Senator, if you refuse to appear, we will have to discontinue the interview.
30:41Thank you, Senator Vanstone.
30:43Now tell me, is it true that your fear of criticism about your appearance
30:47is preventing you from debating your policies?
30:50No, Maxine, not at all.
30:52Senator, thanks to you, students can obtain a university place
30:56by paying their way in if they don't have the necessary marks.
31:00Critics say that this deprives more deserving students of tertiary places.
31:04What is your response?
31:06Stop calling me fat!
31:07In your opinion, is the recent decrease in the popularity of science courses
31:12anything to do with the fact that you have made science degrees
31:16thousands of dollars more expensive than other courses?
31:19Are you doing it again? I'm not listening.
31:21Senator Vanstone...
31:26We know you're selling crap.
31:28We've got you on tape.
31:29You've been seen banking takings from at least half a dozen brothels.
31:31You've been seen selling handguns on the street.
31:35And we've got a video of you burying Senior Constable Allen.
31:40In future, could you be more careful, detective?
31:48Ladies and gentlemen of the press, will you please welcome
31:50the latest Australian adventure of the skies, Mr Craig Haig.
31:57Thank you, thank you, thank you.
31:59As you're all not out aware, the American pilot, Linda Finch,
32:02recently retraced the flight path of the great aviation pioneer,
32:06Amelia Earhart.
32:07Now, in response to this great feat,
32:09I, too, will be re-enacting one of the most extraordinary flights
32:12in Australian history.
32:14David Boone's flight to England for the 1989 Ashes series.
32:18Oh, jeez.
32:21To do this, I will have to consume nearly 50 cans of beer
32:25on a 30-hour flight.
32:27I know people will call me insane,
32:29others will call me brave,
32:30and others will call me a total unmitigated pisshead.
32:34They'll say that 48 cans of beer on a 30-hour flight
32:37is a task best left to the iron guts of a true blue hero
32:40like David Boone.
32:42Mr Haig, what exactly is your flight plan?
32:44Well, if I refer you to the map,
32:46you'll notice that there are two major refuelling stops on the flight.
32:49Now, on the first leg, I will have a co-drinker
32:52who will help me set the early pace,
32:54after which he'll be removed from the flight at Singapore
32:56to get his stomach pumped.
32:59Mr Haig, do you anticipate any difficulties
33:01in the early stages of the flight?
33:02Well, it could be a bit tricky just out of Singapore.
33:04At this point, dinner is served,
33:06thereby creating a blockage in the aisles
33:08and obstructing access to the tinnies.
33:10In anticipation of this,
33:12I will be carrying emergency rations.
33:16Mr Haig, what is your greatest fear?
33:19Well, the very real and frightening chance
33:21that I may accidentally be served light beer.
33:25Mr Haig, is there any chance you might die?
33:27Yep, but I'm not afraid.
33:29I think I owe it to every proud cricket-loving Australian
33:32to get blind, rolling, stinking
33:33and completely off my tits.
33:36If you survive this ordeal,
33:37do you plan any other daring re-enactments
33:39of great Aussie feats of endurance?
33:41Yes, indeed.
33:42The ultimate challenge.
33:43I plan to sit on Derren Hinch's table
33:45at next year's Logies.
33:47Thank you very much and cheers.
33:51Yes, and here we are back at the pavilion
33:53for the middleweight challenge of the century.
33:56Ladies and gentlemen,
33:58in the red corner,
34:00middleweight champion of the world,
34:02Linus Cartel.
34:09And in the blue corner,
34:11the contender,
34:13Dean of Physics at Cambridge University,
34:16Dr Carl Eckerson.
34:20Yes, and Jimbo,
34:21certainly a surprise contender, this one.
34:23Certainly, 73 years out,
34:24never boxed in his life.
34:26Yes, Jimbo,
34:27this may well be the shortest boxing match
34:28in the history of the world,
34:29nay, the sport.
34:40Oh, well, this should open things up a bit.
34:42It's gone.
34:44Box!
34:48Box!
34:53Linus looking strong.
34:56One for the strong punches there
34:58by the processor
34:59and Linus didn't see them coming.
35:02Oh, that must have worked.
35:10Oh, gee, the professor's
35:12certainly on top of things now.
35:16Now, Linus is trying a new strategy here.
35:18He's trying to locate his opponent.
35:22And that may well be the professor
35:24tapping him on the shoulder.
35:26Oh, the professor.
35:31Yeah, what's he doing here?
35:33He's making himself a lasso.
35:35Oh, you've got to admire the spirit of this guy.
35:43He's got him.
35:44He's got him right where he wants him.
35:57Oh, gee, and what a stroke of bad luck there.
36:04Oh, gee, and what a stroke of bad luck there.
36:29Welcome to the program.
36:31Recently, the Crown Casino opened in Melbourne
36:33in one of the biggest publicity launches Australia has ever seen.
36:37Tonight, we present a forum on the topic,
36:39and I'm joined again by State Arts Minister, Mr. Geoffrey Kennett.
36:42Oh, hello again, Kerry.
36:44Mr. Kennett, some church leaders have attacked
36:46the huge amounts that gamblers
36:48are tipped to lose at the new casino.
36:50Oh, look, Kerry, would you get your hand off it
36:52for five minutes?
36:53Once and for all, Crown is not about gambling.
36:56It's about entertainment.
36:58It's an entertainment complex.
36:59Yeah, OK, so the $1.2 billion revenue
37:02Crown is expected to make next year
37:03won't be coming from gamblers?
37:05Not principally, no.
37:07Well, where will it be coming from?
37:10Jaffers.
37:13Yeah, I don't follow.
37:15And you wonder why I don't want to come on this program.
37:17Look, it's really quite simple, blood nut.
37:19At the casino, they have a cinema.
37:22Yeah.
37:22People go there, they buy Jaffers,
37:24and that's where your profit comes in.
37:25Yeah.
37:26You know, you'd have to sell a lot of Jaffers.
37:28Well, obviously, we're not just selling Jaffers.
37:30We're going to be looking at the whole cornucopia
37:32of cinema confectionery there.
37:34There'll be Mars bars, there'll be fan tales,
37:36there'll be chock tops.
37:40Steamrollers?
37:41I don't want to comment on the Packer family.
37:43Smarties?
37:43Or the ABC.
37:45Freckles?
37:46I won't be drawn on John Howard.
37:47Yeah.
37:48Or $1.2 billion.
37:49That's an awful lot of lollies.
37:51Well, they'll be world-class lollies, Kerry, obviously.
37:53They won't be cheap, but nothing's cheap these days.
37:56Smart except for BMWs.
37:58Up your posterior.
38:00Posteria.
38:00Posteria?
38:01It's a euphemism, Kerry.
38:02It's when you say a nice word
38:04and you don't want to use an awkward word.
38:05What, like entertainment complex instead of casino?
38:09I'll job you in a minute.
38:10Okay.
38:11Okay, well, let's throw the issue open to our audience tonight.
38:14Has anyone here visited Crown recently?
38:16Yeah, yeah, nah.
38:18Yeah, yeah, thanks very much.
38:19Yeah, nah, mate.
38:20Okay, well, how would you describe your experience?
38:22Oh, mate, it's unbelievable, mate.
38:24You go on the door and there's his fountains, mate.
38:26There's fountains and there's his spurts going out.
38:28All these little balls of spurt going spurt, spurt, spurt, spurt like that, mate.
38:32And all these lights on the roof, mate.
38:34There's all these crystal lights and hundreds and thousands of them, mate.
38:38It's unbelievable.
38:39Yeah, but what about the socio-economic implications?
38:45Nah, it's unbelievable, mate.
38:46Like, there's marbles, marbles on the marbles everywhere, man.
38:49And there's music, there's music, there's lights, mate.
38:51The lights going boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.
38:54It's unbelievable, mate.
38:55Yeah, but you see, gambling addiction is on the rise,
38:57so how do you think the social services will cope?
39:03Nah, nah, it's unbelievable, mate.
39:05It's like, it's his vases, mate.
39:06It's his Chinese vases, his big vases.
39:09Yeah.
39:09You know, it's his, uh, his Jack Music and the water gun,
39:12and you go,
39:12No, you can't join me by the door.
39:14It's unbelievable, mate.
39:16Yeah, okay, well, thanks very much.
39:18Yeah.
39:19Can I ask what your occupation is?
39:21Yeah, I'm a journalist for the Herald Sun.
39:26I love you.
39:47Right, who ordered the Victorian ham?
39:49Okay, well, what about the building itself?
39:51Do people feel strongly about this new landmark?
39:54Ah, yes, Kerry, I do.
39:56The black marble within the building, Kerry,
39:58the black marble was hand-hewn from the country known as Italy.
40:04The handrails on the stairs were made by blind nuns
40:08on a hillside in the south of Switzerland.
40:10Yeah, okay, thanks very much.
40:12Toilet knobs in the toilet, Kerry.
40:14Yeah.
40:15Their buttons are chosen from seven million buttons worldwide,
40:18and they're made of a metal that can only be found on the moon.
40:21Yes, thank you.
40:22Okay, listen.
40:23Whilst on the topic of olives,
40:24you know, the olives that they put the stick in,
40:27those sticks in the olives, Kerry,
40:29are actually hewn, once again, from wood from the True Cross.
40:33Yeah, but how do you think the casino actually looks?
40:39A bit like Franksland Shopping Centre.
40:41Yeah.
40:42Okay, finally, I believe that we've got some street performers in the audience.
40:46Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
40:47Over here, Kerry.
40:48We are members of the Hands-On Performance Ensemble.
40:51Uh-huh.
40:52Yes, our group has been included
40:54in some of Australia's foremost cultural events.
40:57The Adelaide Festival.
40:59The Sydney Biennale.
41:00Red Faces.
41:01Yeah.
41:01And tonight we'd like to perform a piece for you if there's enough time.
41:05Yeah, no, there isn't, so...
41:06Well, we'd like to perform it anyway.
41:07Okay.
41:09I am the casino.
41:11I am poor.
41:13I am a demon.
41:15I am hungry.
41:17Your shithouse bugger off.
41:20Okay, well, there you have it.
41:22Crown is not a casino, but an entertainment complex.
41:25And I'm Rhonda Birchmore.
41:42From the people who brought you crooked cops caught on camera.
41:46Staff stealing stock.
41:48And bundled hold-ups and burglaries.
41:51Comes the hard-hitting convenience store conversations.
41:56What the people don't know is that they're being filmed.
42:00What happened to the raspberry slurpee?
42:02Oh, we've got bubble gum now.
42:05Oh.
42:07But you have to serve yourself.
42:10All right, okay.
42:13Tempers flare.
42:14I really prefer the raspberry.
42:17Violence breaks out.
42:20Can I get the straw?
42:22And people go over the edge.
42:25So you reckon the raspberry back in about a month?
42:28Because it's really popular.
42:31Convenient store conversations.
42:34TV has never been so real.
42:37Believe me as a doctor, I know the roads out there are dangerous.
42:42So if I had to drive a van for a living,
42:44I'd want the van that came with an airbag with standard equipment.
42:48I'd want the only van that comes standard with disc brakes on all four wheels.
42:52I'd want to drive a Volkswagen Transporter.
42:59Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the captain.
43:23Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the captain.
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