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FunTranscript
00:02Tell me why
00:04You make me want to scream
00:08We'll cover me in cream
00:10We both get in the mood
00:12I'm riding around totally nude
00:15You're all mad about nude
00:19Oh, it's lovely
00:20I'm glad you said that there was
00:22Let's get in the Nicky
00:23I am
00:30Where is that nibble?
00:32Where are you, little spunk bubble?
00:35Come on, people
00:42I'm home
00:52Channel 7 would like to apologise
00:54for this break in transmission
00:55The new family sitcom Mad About Nudes
00:58has been edited by the censor
01:00for the following reasons
01:02Explicit sex scenes
01:04Inappropriate use of a melon
01:05And the depiction of a middle-aged couple
01:08Totally nude
01:11Instead, here is a replacement programme
01:16Inappopotamix
01:17Inapp hag
01:23So
01:42Ianpp snakes
01:43Perhaps
01:43Inapp
01:43Hero
01:43Hero
01:57Training's such a bore.
02:00Yes.
02:36That's really pissed, got to hand it to those coaches.
02:41That's our boy.
02:51Hi, welcome to another Nappy's Hand doorstep challenge.
02:54This way boys.
02:58Hello.
02:59Hi, do you know who we are?
03:00Yeah, you're from that commercial.
03:01That's right.
03:02I didn't think you'd be coming down my street.
03:04Do you know about the Nappy's Hand doorstep challenge?
03:06Yeah, that's where you give me Nappy's Hand and then I'm at the back by the clothesline
03:10with a new dress on and makeup.
03:12Are you prepared to take that challenge?
03:14Yeah, all right.
03:16Well, how did you go?
03:18Oh, not bad.
03:18You know, I've got some lipstick on and I've got some eyeliner and I'm wearing a dress
03:22that I keep for special occasions.
03:24The difference is amazing, isn't it?
03:25I mean, you were really ugly before.
03:27Good job.
03:28Why don't you take the Nappy's Hand doorstep challenge and try to make yourselves a presentable,
03:32you old bags.
03:41Hello, can I help you?
03:43Just the tube of toothpaste and the cigarette lighter, thanks.
03:47Anything else?
03:48No, no, no.
03:50Actually, I'll grab a pair of sunnies while I'm here.
03:55Is that all?
03:56Yeah.
03:57Sure, you wouldn't like a pair of thongs or maybe a straw hat?
04:03No, no.
04:05So it's just the toothpaste, the lighter and the sunnies?
04:12Yes.
04:14I see.
04:17Is anything wrong?
04:19No, no, no, no.
04:21Are you sure?
04:22Because it just seems like something's bothering you.
04:24No, nothing's bothering me at all.
04:25Look, I spent four years studying to be a pharmacist.
04:28Four years it took me to become that vital middleman between doctor and patient.
04:33Training these hands to make medicines to cure the sick and the needy.
04:38And, I'm sorry.
04:42All right, well, in that case I'll have a packet of throaties, thanks.
04:58I beg your pardon?
05:00A packet of throaties?
05:01A packet of throaties!
05:06I've got a bit of a sore throat.
05:07Don't patronise me!
05:09I work back there in that laboratory making drugs that can kill!
05:13I deal with dangerous chemical compounds every day.
05:15Serious medication.
05:16How serious do you think something called a throatie is?
05:20Oh, I've got a sore throat.
05:21I think I'll have a throatie.
05:24I have a twisted bowel.
05:26I think I'll have a bowelie.
05:30Like something a child would make up.
05:32Look at these things.
05:32Look, look, look.
05:33Look at this.
05:34Look, look, look.
05:38It's a jube.
05:40A jube.
05:42You may as well eat a f***ing licorice or salt.
05:50Benzedrine.
05:51There's a drug you can respect.
05:52I don't want any Benzedrine.
05:54Rehypnil.
05:56Felonalanine.
05:58Peroxycreen.
05:59Just that there's nothing really wrong with me.
06:01Then get out.
06:02Get out.
06:04And don't come back here until you've contracted something you require a prescription to cure.
06:08Go on.
06:10No, you can't.
06:11Get out.
06:13Oh.
06:14Oh.
06:20Oh.
06:22Oh.
06:22Oh.
06:24Oh.
06:24Oh.
06:26Oh.
06:26Oh.
06:26Oh.
06:27Yes.
06:27Yes, can I help you?
06:29Yeah, a packet of jelly beans.
06:30Thanks mate.
06:42Good evening and welcome to the ABC News.
06:45First up tonight, more cuts to the ABC.
06:47In a press conference today, ABC chairman Brian Johns claimed the national broadcaster has already encountered problems with staff shortages,
06:54as well as technical difficulties with studio equipment, especially in the news and current affairs.
07:05Communications Minister, Senator Alston said that he regretted the cuts, but they are essential to get us out of the
07:16financial hold the previous government will be held on Thursday in Sydney, Adelaide.
07:29Members say the rally will continue to inquire, the world news, the Duchess of York, with an overweight woman, to
07:46avoid a major cat, as trophy.
08:00With a maximum of 17.
08:03So to go back over tonight's top stories.
08:16Tomorrow night on Perspectives, the other side of Mother Teresa.
08:21I don't think there's any doubt she will be made a saint.
08:25She is, to my mind, the most extraordinary person on the planet today.
08:30And while we're all well aware of her staggering capacity to help the destitute and the dying, it has tended,
08:37I think, to overshadow the fact that she was also once a very successful amateur boxer.
09:13There, there, she was light on her feet, very agile.
09:15She had good reach for a short woman.
09:17And her left jab was like lightning.
09:20Boxing rings were littered with fighters and never saw her left coming.
09:23And she fought like a dog.
09:25She was brutal.
09:26She could have been anything.
09:27She could have been a contender.
09:30Sugar, mother, Teresa.
09:33Mother Teresa, The Pugilist.
09:35Tomorrow night on Perspectives.
09:49Welcome to another nappy sand doorstep challenge.
09:53Hello?
09:54Hi, do you know who we are?
09:56Oh, you're from that commercial.
09:58That's right.
09:59Oh, wow, I never thought you'd come down our street.
10:01Do you have any washing lying around the house?
10:03Anything with a hard to get rid of stain?
10:05Oh, yeah.
10:05Yes, I do.
10:09Oh, what's that?
10:10Oh, it's a little bit of beef and chutney.
10:12We had a party a couple of weeks ago.
10:14Well, did you try to get it out?
10:16No.
10:16What, so that's been lying around the house like that unwashed for two weeks?
10:20Yeah.
10:21Oh, well, that's disgusting.
10:23Do you have anything about basic hygiene?
10:26Um, uh...
10:27Oh, come on, guys, let's get out of here when I catch something.
10:29It's dangerous.
10:30It's beautiful.
10:34Hello, Fred.
10:35I'd like you to make fun.
10:37Oh, this must be the new boyfriend, is it?
10:39Oh, Dad.
10:40Oh, Roy.
10:40Oh, nothing to be embarrassed about.
10:42She's a good-looking girl, just like her mother, eh?
10:44Oh, Roy.
10:45You know, Mrs. Teagle and I were about your age when we started going out together.
10:50Movies, dancing, tongue kissing.
10:52Oh, Dad.
10:53Even sexual intercourse in a car, if my memory serves.
10:57Roy.
10:59Oh, there's nothing embarrassing about sexual intercourse.
11:01She's of age.
11:03You've had your period, haven't you?
11:05Yes.
11:06Well, Roy, that's enough, Roy.
11:08Well, I just don't want any daughter of mine to be confused about her sexuality.
11:13You know, if I'd have talked to my parents when I got my first erection,
11:17then I've got no doubt that my fears of masturbation would have been significantly eased.
11:22Dad!
11:23Of course, in our day, you couldn't even say the word clitoris at the dinner table.
11:28Thank God, times have changed, eh?
11:31And if my daughter wants to bonk her brains out with this young man,
11:36then I'd rather she do it under my roof and with our blessing
11:39than bent over the bench seat of a falcon like your mother and I like to do.
11:43Dad!
11:44Dad!
11:45Dad, Simon is just a friend.
11:46We're not boyfriend and girlfriend.
11:49Not gay, is he?
11:50Oh, Dad!
11:51No, nothing embarrassing about being homosexual.
11:54In fact, your mother toyed with lesbianism for a few years when she was young.
11:59Even I knew the love that dare not speak its name.
12:03Boy, that's enough.
12:04I'm just based at...
12:04What?
12:07Sir, I want to assure you that I am extremely attracted to your daughter
12:10and while I have some feelings of respect for her as a person,
12:14I will not let that stand in the way of my insatiable desire
12:16to get her in the cot and roger her stupid.
12:22Well, you've eased my mind, all right?
12:23Well, you kids go out and have a good time, okay?
12:25Make sure she's home by five in the morning?
12:27Yes, sir.
12:27All right?
12:28Yep.
12:28Okay, and there's a couple of extras, in case you need...
12:32Oh, I think you should.
12:58For those times when you're done, I'll be interrupted.
13:01Hey, sis, have I got some news for you.
13:05Michael's got herpes.
13:16Natural Melbourne calls you an STD.
13:24Drugs.
13:25A problem which affects cities throughout the world.
13:28Fighting this disease at the front line are the police,
13:31a vanguard of very special men and women.
13:34Boom!
13:46Maybe this wasn't such a good idea, sir.
13:49No, no, no, no, you're doing fine.
13:50Just try and stay on the road.
13:52I haven't even got a license, bud.
13:53I haven't even got a license.
13:56Oh, Cheryl.
13:57Cheryl, this is VKC.
13:59VKC to Cheryl.
14:00Please drop off Sniffer Dog at pre-arranged drop-off point.
14:04Over an hour, over two of 100 hours.
14:05Thank you, Cheryl.
14:08I think it's important for all the senior members of the police force, like myself,
14:12to pass on the benefit of my years of experience to the younger constables.
14:16Is this an automatic?
14:18I think if you're going to fight crimes on the street, it's bloody important to know how
14:22to drive on them.
14:28You swore.
14:30It was in context.
14:31Oh, well, that makes it all right, does it?
14:32Well, I think it does.
14:33Well, I don't think it does.
14:34Watch out!
14:41Sorry.
14:43Well, right, you don't correct him for swearing, do you?
14:45Well, he was scary.
14:47I'm scary.
14:49Nah, you're not scary.
14:50You're just like a big, cuddly old squid or something.
14:58Right, constable, we're going to do some freaking parallel parking.
15:03Where's your button?
15:04Oh.
15:05Oh.
15:14Yeah, I, um, I think it was Mr. T, the Negroid moving picture actor, who once said
15:20that drugs are bad.
15:21He's great.
15:21You got crack, you got Mary Jane, you got your coke, you got your, uh, your beaties, you
15:27got your cocaine, they're all killers.
15:30Peter, poor fool!
15:32Would you shut up?
15:33You're talking to the man.
15:34Not interested in that.
15:36Alright.
15:39Drug surveillance is a team effort, and we find ourselves in the business...
15:43Remember when he beat Rocky up?
15:44He did not beat Rocky.
15:45Yeah, he did.
15:46Rocky beat him.
15:47No, he beat Rocky up.
15:48He, excuse me, I've seen the film.
15:50I know.
15:52I've seen it too.
15:53He beat him up.
15:54You have not seen it.
15:56The, uh, the point is that, uh, drug surveillance is a team effort.
16:00Mickey got killed.
16:01Rocky didn't feel like winning after that, and Mr. T beat him up.
16:04No, no, no, no, no.
16:05Yeah, he did it.
16:06He beat him up first, sure.
16:07He beat him up first.
16:07But at the end, no, beat him up first.
16:09Let me finish my sentence.
16:10And at the end of the film, he beats him rather convincingly.
16:13So Rocky beats Mr. T.
16:14So did he beat him up or not?
16:15He beat him up.
16:15He beat him up.
16:16He beat him up, but he didn't beat him.
16:17He beat him up.
16:18He didn't beat him.
16:19You've seen it happen here?
16:20Go and wait in the car.
16:22Go and wait in the car.
16:23No, no, no, I'm not putting up with this.
16:25I'm not arguing with you in public again.
16:27No, no, because you're losing.
16:28I'm not losing.
16:29I've won this argument while they're convincingly.
16:32Go and wait in the car.
16:34Girlfriend's here.
16:35She's not my girlfriend.
16:39It's possible Emily Steinman, uh, she's a dog, uh, dog handler.
16:43I suppose you're going to pass her off, are you?
16:45Come out in the car.
16:48Don't touch anything in there.
16:50Look for your button.
16:50Don't touch anything.
16:52Uh, a dog handler is what, uh, it's over here.
16:55Thanks, Emily.
16:56Oh, over here.
16:57Thanks, Emily.
16:58Emily, Emily, Emily.
17:00I didn't talk like that.
17:03She's part of the, uh, the surveillance team, the drug effort that we're all involved in.
17:09Uh, and she has to be an expert in terms of handling dogs,
17:12because, uh, these animals are pretty tricky.
17:14Oh, you're Sergeant Spoof, not Spook.
17:19You've got, uh, you've got your trackers and you've got your sniffers,
17:21but these animals can also attack on command,
17:24and you've got to be an expert, otherwise they get a bit dangerous.
17:27These animals are killers.
17:29One guy ribbed his throat out.
17:31The, uh, what's that?
17:34What?
17:35What is that?
17:36It's a dog.
17:37I know it's a dog.
17:38What sort of dog is that?
17:39Oh, Sergeant Fudge said to bring a cute one.
17:45Sergeant Fudge?
17:48Sergeant Fudge!
17:50Sheena, come here.
17:52Come here now.
17:53I command you to come here.
17:57Come here.
17:58The dogs are a really important part of the war on crime,
18:02but it's a real thrill to be working with Sergeants Fudge and Spook.
18:05I mean, these guys, they really know their stuff.
18:07I'm always learning with them.
18:09Okay, cheetah.
18:10It's all about the authority and the voice, okay?
18:13Animals respect that.
18:14Listen.
18:15Attack!
18:16Attack!
18:18Attack!
18:19Attack!
18:22Attack!
18:22Attack!
18:25Get off me!
18:27Well, I really want to get into this surveillance,
18:30and Sergeant Spook said he's going to take me out on a stakeout.
18:34Now, to catch a drug lord, you need two things as bait.
18:38First of all, greenbacks.
18:39They're orangebacks.
18:41They're orange-greenbacks.
18:43And B, you need drugs.
18:46One kilo of pure, uncut, high-quality cocaine.
18:50Street value, 10,000 big ones.
18:51Oh, my God, Father Sarge, I hoped you signed that stuff out.
18:55Did you?
18:56I will.
18:57You haven't, haven't you?
18:57I will.
18:58Don't nag me.
18:59Two essential things in any covert sting operation.
19:02I've never seen drugs close up before.
19:05Well, here, Constable Stoneman, feel how heavy that is.
19:08Yeah, the stakes are high, but so are the rewards.
19:11You know, if we can lure just one drug dealer into our neck,
19:15that'll be one less bad-ass, funky mother
19:18on the streets and in the camp.
19:22What are you doing?
19:24Cheetah!
19:26I'm not playing for this.
19:41Get out of the day, you!
19:42Right!
19:43Shut up, shut up, shut up!
19:45You guys, get over here!
19:46Get over here!
19:47Get over here!
19:48You, get over here!
19:49Just shut up, shut up!
19:52Where's the safe?
19:53Where's the safe?
19:54This one.
19:57Right, get away from it!
19:59Just shut up, shut up!
20:04Shut up, all of you.
20:24You better listen to me every one of you.
20:27Yeah, you've got a lot, a lot of work to do.
20:30Forget about your holiday, on the government payroll.
20:34Today, look at, you're working for the Dove.
20:47Yeah, I'm working for the Dove.
21:00Yeah, working for the dump.
21:03Look, it goes down well in a pole.
21:06That's right.
21:08Working for the dump.
21:14All the figures are out and the unemployment is dry.
21:18The time is right to give slave labour a try.
21:21You'll be digging a hole or pulling a winch
21:24or even picking cotton next to Derren Hinch.
21:28You'll be working for the dump.
21:31That's right, I'm working for the dump.
21:33Look, you can sell me your salt.
21:38Working for the dump.
21:51Berko are proud to announce the new Unstable Table.
21:55Whenever you need a solid level surface,
21:58the Unstable Table is not the answer.
22:01Whether it's breakfast in bed
22:06or a portable workbench
22:13or changing the baby.
22:19The Unstable Table comes in two designer colours.
22:24The Unstable Table is shit-outs.
22:28The Unstable Table, new from Berko,
22:31The Unstable People.
23:02The Unstable Table, new from Berko.
23:15for god's sake peter i can't take this for very much longer what what have i done ever since
23:20you've given up you've been so irritable you're screaming at the kids you punched gran well she
23:26bloody deserved it she ate the last bloody barbecue shake it's just not like you peter look
23:33if you're gonna have all these mood changes and swings i suggest that you pick it up again
23:37oh great darling yeah good so you'd prefer if i was dead would you i mean you've seen the stuff
23:42in the newspapers you've seen the stuff on the telly those things are bloody sticks of death
23:46they're like nails in a coffin look if you're gonna if you're gonna use chocolate bars as
23:56substitute i would suggest that you unwrap it first oh well isn't that bloody typical i mean a bloke
24:02tries to do his best by giving up the one the one nasty habit that he's got and everyone bloody
24:07turns against him i mean look at that cat this morning did you see the way it looked at me
24:12and the bloody shower the bloody shower tried to kill me i'm going out into the kitchen and i'm
24:20going to get you one eat your bloody salami and i don't care if it kills you
24:32this is the only existing footage of brew boy the young boy who grew up in the wild amongst kangaroos
24:37whatever happened to the roo boy i believe that wayne carey is the roo boy you can tell by his
24:45extraordinary leap the fact that he still likes to move in packs with the most conclusive evidence
24:50of all concerns the weakness in wayne carey's shoulder the history of problems with wayne's
24:56shoulder dislocation ligament damage and so on can i believe be traced back to a much earlier incident
25:03involving the young roo boy
25:08shit
25:22good wayne carey really be the roo boy
25:28yeah yeah that's a pusho all right yeah he's waiting to score a deal the blimmin mofo
25:34give me a look don't oh sarge he doesn't look very much like a suspicious person to me
25:40it's because you don't have my trained eye cheater now we move give me that now we move on to
25:45stage
25:45two of our covert sting scam constable stamen eyes and ears peeled this is one lesson in surveillance
25:52you won't want to miss
25:53i look ridiculous
26:01no you look fine come on
26:03i do not
26:04you're very pretty
26:04i do not look my handbag doesn't match my shoes look at this scarf it's like something your mother would
26:09wear
26:09now listen did you tape the microphone to your chest
26:12yes i did but i think it's got a bare wire
26:14i'm a bit sweaty from the brow i keep getting little shocks
26:16stop complaining
26:17it's a serious business
26:19well why can't she be the woman
26:20because she's a radio expert
26:22and i need her to monitor the conversation between you and the mofone
26:27do you mind
26:28i'm just testing the microphone
26:31testing one two three test
26:32turn on text
26:33testing one two three
26:34testing one two three
26:35testing hello
26:36that's my tape
26:38all right now
26:41howdy
26:42hi
26:43shh
26:44sit back and relax constable stamen
26:46you're going to enjoy this
26:47you don't get too many undercover ops as brilliantly executed as this one
26:50uh i'm a woman and i've got ten thousand dollars for any drugs you're selling
26:56is that all right sarge
27:01uh...
27:03what's going on
27:03uh...
27:04uh...
27:06uh...
27:09uh...
27:14uh...
27:18uh...
27:26uh...
27:37Good evening, I'm Ian Goodings,
27:38and may I say right at the top, thank you very much for the ratings.
27:42It's nice to know we're closing in so fast on SBS.
27:47Ahead in tonight's news, Queensland police say they hold grave fears
27:50about taking a ride on the ghost train.
27:54A fire at a charcoal factory causes a million dollars' worth of stock.
27:59And a big surprise for a missing cat called Lucky
28:01as I run over him and kill him on the way here.
28:06But first the news.
28:08A truck laden with explosives overturned on the Hume Highway today,
28:12fortunately injuring no one.
28:14However, a local court decision was overturned in the High Court,
28:17killing three people.
28:21Doctors have finally revealed the mystery illness
28:23that led to Senator Mal Colston's hospitalisation.
28:26He was suffering from travel sickness.
28:30A small dog, a very brave fireman,
28:33and an angel who answers the prayers of a little girl.
28:36What do they have in common?
28:37They're all missing from Grunt Peterson's latest pornographic film,
28:41Let's Do Donkeys.
28:45And a poll has found that one in three cyclists
28:48chained their bikes to it.
28:54Well, three horses were destroyed at Randwick Racecourse yesterday
28:57when dynamite strapped to their stomach suddenly went off.
29:01Unfortunately, that's just one of those things that happens in racing.
29:05Well, to news now on our Olympic athletes,
29:07and when it comes to relay racing with a baton,
29:10you've got to hand it to them.
29:13And at Palm Beach today,
29:15whales stranded themselves along the coast.
29:17With low tides, the future looks bleak for their survival.
29:21How many whales have beached themselves?
29:23Oh, it's about 50.
29:24And how many of you are there?
29:27There's only one of me.
29:28What do you mean?
29:30Oh, how many volunteers?
29:31Sorry, I just attempted to.
29:33Um, there's just me,
29:35but I am hoping for more to come tomorrow.
29:37Will the whales survive until tomorrow?
29:39No, no, they won't.
29:41So what's the point of volunteers arriving tomorrow?
29:43I need a lift home.
29:46And we just had some good news from Palm Beach.
29:48Less than half an hour ago,
29:49volunteers arrived and successfully pushed Dr. Volkis out to sea.
29:53Unfortunately, the sea rejected the doctor
29:55and spewed him back up onto the beach.
30:17Victor Foxtrot, come in, Victor Foxtrot.
30:19Do you read me? Over.
30:21Yeah, this is Victor Foxtrot.
30:22We read you, mate. Over.
30:24We have a problem.
30:25Our ratings are losing altitude. Over.
30:27Oh, bloody hell, mate. Over.
30:30They want us to spice up the show a bit. Over.
30:32Does that mean I get to throw a leg over, over?
30:35No, but be prepared for some gratuitous sex scenes.
30:38Over and out.
30:43So, mate, how far to the nearest hospital?
30:45Oh, about two ad breaks.
30:48She'll never last that long.
30:49Only one thing to do.
30:50I'll have to deliver the baby myself.
30:52But you're not a doctor.
30:54I haven't got time to worry about that now.
30:55Here, take over the controls.
30:58Don't worry, love.
30:59We'll have the little fella out of there in no time at all.
31:02Ow.
31:04Sorry, love.
31:07Chris, we've hit some pretty severe turbulence.
31:10We're trying cross-vendorating the Allen key with a copper-eyed fridge magnet.
31:13If that doesn't work, then subdivide the toilet duck with the totty goldsmith.
31:18Well, what the hell does that mean?
31:19Just do it, damn it.
31:20But we'll all die.
31:22I'm not trying to worry about that now.
31:24Come on, love. Push.
31:25No.
31:26It's not working.
31:27Why don't you try magnifying your pixels and removing your pantographs?
31:30Oh, shut up.
31:31I'm just trying to help.
31:33Look, if you want to help, think of a nickname for me.
31:35Your name's Jimbo.
31:36My name's Chris.
31:37I'm playing the lead.
31:38I should have a nickname.
31:40Me what is it, bastard?
31:41Oh, that's a shit-ass nickname.
31:44Mayday. Mayday.
31:45Oh, that's even worse.
31:47Hold on.
31:53Congratulations, love.
31:54You just had a baby.
31:55Is it boy or a girl?
31:57I haven't got time to worry about that now.
31:59Hold on.
32:01Hold on.
32:01Hold on.
32:09Oh, jeez.
32:10Your name isn't Mrs. Dado by chance, is it?
32:13Come in, Victor Foxtrot.
32:14We have received your distress call.
32:16Do you read me?
32:16Over.
32:17We read you.
32:18We've lost control of the plot.
32:19We're going to crash.
32:20Over.
32:21Don't worry.
32:21I'll bring you in.
32:28Phew, that was a close one.
32:30Yep.
32:31Looks like we'll be back next week.
32:39So they're going to play down the guts.
32:41Yeah.
32:41Well, a marvellous game here tonight.
32:43Unfortunately, as we told you earlier, Dipper has been taken ill, so currently standing in
32:48for him at short notice is the art critic and the documentary filmmaker, Philip Quist.
32:53Philip, I didn't know you were also a sports fan.
32:55Yes.
32:56Thanks, Sandy.
32:57Well, Chris, a hard-fought victory there in decidedly arduous circumstances.
33:02Yeah, thanks, mate.
33:03But, you know, I don't know.
33:04I think at the end of the day, we pissed it in, really.
33:06Well, you did only triumph by 13 points.
33:08Yeah, but I think we were just toying with them for the first three quarters, mate, and
33:11then, you know, we weren't going anywhere near flat chat at all.
33:14Really?
33:14Why was that?
33:15Well, I think because, you know, those blokes can't play, mate.
33:17You know, I mean, they're a bunch of pussies, really.
33:22Pussies?
33:22Yeah, I mean, it's just like playing against a pack of queers out there, mate, really.
33:27I see.
33:27And in what way did they resemble a team of homosexuals?
33:30Well, you know, didn't go in hard and soon to be frightened, mate.
33:35So homosexuals are frightened, are they?
33:38Yeah.
33:40You see, I just, I wasn't aware of the link between sexual preference and courage.
33:43There must be a recent test or study carried out, wasn't there?
33:46Was there an article on The Lancet that you read?
33:48Well, I don't know, mate, but, you know, I mean, it's just that you don't see a lot of
33:51sheilas playing footy, do you?
33:53I see.
33:53So women are frightened as well, are they?
33:55Well, it's just that, you know, football isn't a game for sheilas, is it?
33:59And you don't see a lot of them playing, that's all I'm saying.
34:01Well, you don't see a lot of football players giving birth, either, do you?
34:04I mean, excuse the coarse analogy, Chris, but do you think that you'd be able to force
34:07out a watermelon from your anus?
34:11Well, thank you very much.
34:12A very, very happy Chris Faulkner there, with 20 kicks, 10 handballs and a couple of
34:17extremely narrow-minded comments.
34:19So back to you, Sandy.
34:22But before we go, a quick memo to the Hursuit Cowboy at Foreign Correspondent.
34:28That's all this week.
34:29Next week, we'll take a close-up look at Southern Ireland, and their perspective on
34:33the troubles up north.
34:36Oh, George.
34:37There's no such thing as Southern Ireland.
34:40There is Northern Ireland, and there is air, or the Republic of Ireland.
34:45At least, that's how I learned it in sixth grade.
34:49Good night to you.
34:53Hi, George Nagers here, reminding you that Foreign Correspondent is on tomorrow night
34:58at 9.30, and reminding Stuart Littlemore to pull his pointy bald head in.
35:02I was referring you, hair-envious egghead, to the southern part of the Republic of Ireland.
35:07So blow it out your arse.
35:18Paul Dooley there, with that fascinating look at the Irish question.
35:21Next week, the British elections.
35:23Is Labour the dead, sir?
35:25It's cracked up to be.
35:26Until then, good night.
35:30Hello.
35:31Stuart Littlemore from Media Watch here, reminding you that next Monday night,
35:35we'll be pointing out all the geographical, historical, and grammatical errors
35:39from tonight's Foreign Correspondent,
35:42and generally trashing over paid arrogant prats like George Nagers.
35:46Foreign Correspondent.
35:48It's just holiday with ugly reporters, isn't it?
36:13Hello, and welcome to the movie show.
36:16Well, Margaret and I are currently enjoying another junket
36:19as we present the movie show from the International Film Festival at Cannes.
36:24Cannes.
36:26Cannes.
36:27Say it.
36:28Cannes.
36:29Currently in production is a new movie with the popular children's entertainers,
36:34The Wiggles.
36:35Margaret, you and I have both seen the preview tape.
36:38I must say that I quite liked it.
36:40Look for what it's worth, David, it is quite good.
36:42It's a musical, of course.
36:44The central idea being that Dorothy the Dinosaur
36:46thinks that everyone has forgotten her birthday.
36:51Gee, what a boring day.
36:52I felt sure something fun and interesting would happen today.
36:56Oh, well, there's always tomorrow.
36:58Yeah, let's put today behind us.
37:01The sun is sure to shine tomorrow.
37:05Whoops-a-daisy, Dorothy.
37:07Just because it's a nothing day, there's no need to take it out on the calendar.
37:12By the way, what is the date today, Dorothy?
37:17May the 6th.
37:18May the 6th?
37:19What?
37:21Gee, the year has gone quickly, hasn't it?
37:33Sometimes days are boring.
37:36Not much happens at all.
37:38But if you sing and dance about, you can have a ball.
37:44Poor old Dorothy.
37:45She really thinks we've forgotten her birthday.
37:48Do you think we should give her the big cake now?
37:51Shh!
37:51Here she comes.
37:54Sometimes days are boring.
37:56Not much happens at all.
37:59I love you, sir.
38:03D-O-R-O-T-H-Y
38:08Dorothy, Dorothy the dinosaur.
38:30Roger, come quickly.
38:32The minister's been shot.
38:33Wait a minute.
38:34Blood.
38:36It's the minister's blood.
38:38Minister!
38:39Who's done...
38:40Oh, sorry.
38:41Ethel, call on the phone an ambulance to save him now.
38:44On the minister's desk, you'll find the phone.
38:46Just do it, god damn you!
38:48Of course.
38:49Mr. Persian, are you there?
38:51Yes!
38:52Yes, I am my old comrade.
38:55Who did this to you?
38:57Who did this to you?
39:00The admiral.
39:01It was the admiral.
39:03The admiral?
39:05I.E.
39:06I'm failing explosion.
39:09The admiral has top secret...
39:12Top secret plans for a magic bomb
39:15that will destroy all world leaders.
39:18He's at these coordinates.
39:23No!
39:26Yes, thank you.
39:27Goodbye.
39:29The ambulance is on its way, Roger.
39:31Oh, Ethel.
39:32It's too dead for an ambulance.
39:33He's late.
39:37Hey, Admiral.
39:38Your magic bomb...
39:39I know.
39:40Admiral and his magic bomb are to blame.
39:42I'll get them for this.
39:43Do you hear me?
39:44This!
39:44Roger, you're too emotionally involved.
39:46Don't try and stop me, Ethel.
39:47I'm mad and plenty of it.
39:57We have to get to the admiral's secret hideout
40:00of the core of the earth
40:01before the world leaders are killed.
40:03Yes!
40:12Roger, look out!
40:14Oh!
40:14Oh!
40:15Oh!
40:15Oh!
40:19That was close.
40:26Quick, Ethel, let's avenge the minister's death.
40:36Explosion.
40:37Somebody mentioned my name?
40:40Butoh!
40:40I might have known it was you.
40:42Are you all right, Admiral?
40:43No explosion.
40:44I'm over here.
40:45What?
40:46There can't be two of you.
40:48Cyborgs exploding.
40:50Exact replicoids of the world's leaders.
40:53A robot's army.
40:55Aye!
40:56Thousands of them.
40:58Time to die, my friend.
41:00Then it's later than I think.
41:18Quick, Ethel, Ethel, let's get out of here.
41:29My cyborgs!
41:34Well, explosion, you've saved the world from Butoh's evil robots.
41:37Rescued the admiral, destroyed the magic bomb, and brought me back to life.
41:41Well done.
41:46We've got to get on that.
41:52Hello.
41:53It's me.
41:54Hi.
41:54Sorry to bother you.
41:55Well, what can I do for you?
41:57Look, do you have any unwashed clothing lying around the house?
41:59Something delicate, perhaps some underwear that's been horribly stained?
42:03Oh, no.
42:04Are you from the Nappy Sand doorstep challenge?
42:05Nah.
42:28I'd like to check out.
42:30Thanks.
42:30Certainly, sir.
42:30Bill, Bill, thank you very much for yesterday.
42:33It was great.
42:34I'm glad we got you down.
42:35No problem, Stephen.
42:36I just hope it helps the sales.
42:37Yeah, well, I'm sure.
42:37Is that credit card, sir?
42:39Oh, I'll pick this up.
42:39No, no, no.
42:40No, no, no, no.
42:41I insist, I insist.
42:41How much is it?
42:42It's $200 for the room, and did you use the minibar, sir?
42:45Yes, I did, but look, I'll take care of that.
42:46No, no, no, no, no.
42:47Look, we brought you down here.
42:48The least we can do is pick up the extras.
42:51Just calling it up, sir.
42:53Here we are.
42:53A packet of chips, packet of nuts, or two packets of nuts, Toblerone, Kit Kat, three Mars bars,
43:00three Snickers, Coke, lemonade, dried ginger, mineral water, five bottles, scotch, vodka,
43:06Bacardi, brandy, all the beers, tube of Barocca, delivery of Herald Sun, 12 one-hour international
43:13phone calls, room service, 16 visits all after midnight, porn channel, six films, knocked
43:20up mumma's virgin bikey sluts, twice, ramrod ronda and Beaverly Hills cock, eight 0055 calls,
43:30dry cleaning, stolen bathrobe and towels, stolen bed linen, pillows and mattress, broken
43:35television, cleaning of foul swimming pool, repair of smashed windows, replastering, replacement
43:40of carpet, fire department call-out, prostitute, removal of horse from bathroom, destruction
43:48order for gerbil and casino IOUs to the value of $150,000, sir.
43:53I cannot believe it.
43:56I cannot believe it.
43:58You actually read the Herald Sun.
44:01No.
44:01No.
44:02No.
44:03No.
44:03No.
44:03No.
44:05No.
44:07No.
44:09No.
44:09No.
44:11No.
44:11No.
44:12No.
44:12No.
44:12No.
44:14No.
44:15You
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