- 2 days ago
First broadcast 5th November 2004.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Bill Bailey
Sean Lock
Anneka Rice
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Bill Bailey
Sean Lock
Anneka Rice
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Yo, Great Britain, how are you doing? Good to be back.
00:03Woo! Let me introduce the band.
00:05On lead guitar, Annika Rice.
00:09And on sax, Bill Bailey.
00:16And Sean Locke on drums.
00:22And Alan Davis on the buses.
00:30Alan is the conductor, of course.
00:32Right, there are only two rules.
00:33I give points for attitude and I take points away for platitude.
00:37So let's get straight down to business.
00:39Question one.
00:40Does the Pope eat beaver?
00:47Sean Locke.
00:47I would say yes.
00:49The Pope does eat beaver.
00:50Yeah, because he's a Pope. He can have whatever he wants.
00:52He can have whatever he wants.
00:53Can he as a good Catholic have whatever he wants, for example, on a Friday in Linde?
00:59Yes.
01:03I like that. That's good.
01:06If you want to do it again, do it again.
01:08If you want to do it again, do it again.
01:19This is like the early learning center.
01:25Wasn't there a plan a few years ago to reintroduce beaver into Scotland?
01:31I didn't hear about it.
01:33I didn't hear about it.
01:33They were the Pope, eh?
01:35It's said to taste rather like beef, actually.
01:38They really are like little people's arms.
01:42They are.
01:43I think that is a person.
01:44That's the Pope, though.
01:45His hands.
01:46Oh, I see.
01:47The one on the right is a beaver.
01:48Oh, you mean those little ones.
01:49No, you're right.
01:49It's front course.
01:50Look at how they are like little hands.
01:52They are.
01:52Yeah.
01:52They are.
01:53Yes.
01:54That's what the Pope's thinking.
01:55He's actually looking at it and going, yes, he's got little hands.
01:58But I'll say, are you ready to order?
02:00And he's going, shall I have beaver?
02:18Beaver.
02:19As a fish, because it is scaly and lives in water.
02:21So at all these little schools, primary schools all over Italy, they have beaver and chips
02:27and peas on a Friday?
02:29Probably more likely in American Catholic countries.
02:32The capybara, which is the largest rodent on earth, which is a South American rodent, 400
02:36tons of it are eaten during Lent in Venezuela alone.
02:39Hmm.
02:40Capybaras are likewise designated to be a fish.
02:42The Pope would, if he were to eat, he would probably eat them on a Friday in Lent, as
02:47he might a capybara.
02:49How would you suppose you might tell the sex of one beaver from another?
02:51They're only male.
02:52One beaver from another.
02:53A male would have a penis.
02:54No, they'd have males and females.
02:55Well, yes, but it's quite a half a spot.
02:57And the female would have a beaver.
02:58Yes.
03:03I can't have a beaver's beaver.
03:07I want to talk about anal excretions.
03:09Now, I was just about to, I was about to bring that point up, because in the anal
03:14scent glands of the beaver, there's secreted a substance which is actually found in aspirin.
03:22You're absolutely right.
03:23I'm going to give you five points for that.
03:24It's correct.
03:25Thank you very much.
03:26Castorium.
03:30It's been used as a medicine for hundreds of years.
03:33It's called castorium.
03:34Castorium.
03:34As in castor the beaver.
03:35And it contains salicylic acid, as you're right to say.
03:37So if you've got a headache, you're rimming a beaver.
03:40Lick up a beaver.
03:41Lick up a beaver.
03:42That's quite right.
03:43But so often, unfortunately, the beaver's got a headache anyway and won't let you do it.
03:48So they have to do it to themselves first.
03:50There's got to be a plus side to rimming a beaver, isn't there?
03:53Not tonight, darling.
03:54I've got a headache.
03:55Don't worry about that.
03:57My next question is, if aliens arrived on Earth to abduct our most successful inhabitant,
04:02where would they look?
04:05Neverland.
04:12Are they aliens?
04:13I think that's a popular idea.
04:15How the hell did you get a shot of them?
04:16I just...
04:17An alien boy band.
04:18It's Hubble boy band.
04:20Yeah, alien boy band.
04:21It's like alien YMCA.
04:24They would look and see which was the most successful form of life.
04:27Cockroaches.
04:28Are you talking about the amount of award?
04:31Bacteria.
04:31Bacteria is the right answer.
04:33Bacteria.
04:35Any criteria by which you judge the success of life, bacteria win hands down in terms of
04:40profusion, diversity, ability to live under extraordinary conditions.
04:43Nobody likes them, do they?
04:45Well, we wouldn't be alive without them.
04:47We'd entirely depend upon them.
04:48If chicken had no bacteria, it would be completely tasteless.
04:51It would not taste anything.
04:52Well, that's true of almost all food.
04:53Cheese, of course.
04:54Bacteria.
04:55There's only a very small number of bacteria dangerous.
04:56If you take, if you were to take a gram of soil, there are 40,000 species of different
05:02bacteria in that one gram, let alone the amount there are.
05:05And each species is as different from each other as a rhinoceros is from a primrose.
05:10I mean, they're amazing.
05:11I want you to fall in love with the bacteria, but they are just the most marvellous things
05:17conceivable.
05:18They live in boiling acid, they live in ice, they live in nuclear cooling water.
05:24I mean, they can live absolutely anywhere under 6,000 atmospheres of pressure.
05:29Where's their favourite place though?
05:30Where do they really like to hang?
05:31Human tummy.
05:32They love the human tummy.
05:34We reckon 75% of the bacteria in the tummy have not yet really been identified as separate
05:38species.
05:39They're fantastic.
05:40But they do exist all over the place.
05:42What about pygmies though?
05:43Surely pygmies are more hardy, aren't they?
05:47They, they can live anywhere in the world.
05:48There's a lot more comedy in them.
05:49Pygmies, yeah.
05:52Bacteria.
05:53Oh, bloody hell.
05:54To warm up on the bacteria gets.
05:56So, why do you say that pygmies are...
05:59Well, because you say successful, you're imbuing them with some sort of human characteristics.
06:03No, I'm not.
06:03No, I mean successful in purely, purely Darwinian terms.
06:06Ah, there are lots of them.
06:07Yeah.
06:07Are they all invisible to the naked eye?
06:09Yes.
06:09Are there any kind of cat-sized?
06:11No, they're all.
06:12I don't think I have one as a pair of big, hairy bacteria.
06:17No, they look it under the microscope, some of them, don't they?
06:20They have pathogenic sex, as it were, amongst them, each to the other.
06:24Virgin birth, you know?
06:25They divide and split and divide and...
06:28Like amoebas.
06:29Reproduce their DNA, which is...
06:31Yeah.
06:31How many amoebas does it take?
06:32There's a light bulb.
06:33One, no, two, no, four, no, eight.
06:34That's exactly it.
06:35That's exactly it.
06:35100 million.
06:36200 million.
06:37Stop!
06:37Stop!
06:40Very, very, very, very deep.
06:42Well, we come to a sensitive subject now, ladies and gentlemen.
06:45Bulges.
06:46Yes.
06:46The Latin for a bulge or protuberance is torus, which is not only the name for that sort of
06:51donut shape that they put particle accelerators in, but also the technical name for the fleshy
06:56part of an apple.
06:57And many people believe that the universe is shaped like a torus.
07:01I thought the torus was the bull.
07:02This is T-O-R rather than T-A-U.
07:05T-A-U is a bull, but T-O-R.
07:08Oh, that's right.
07:09Oh, that's right.
07:10Oh, that's right.
07:11It is...
07:11It is a homophobe.
07:12Torus!
07:13Torus!
07:14Uh-oh!
07:15Uh-oh!
07:16This is turning into the most appalling primary school nonsense.
07:20It was a charming mistake of a very...
07:22It's a homophone.
07:23They do sound the same.
07:24And they hate gay people.
07:26No, that's...
07:29No, that's not hatred of gay people.
07:31It's fear of gay people.
07:32Fear or hatred, phobias.
07:33Yes, yes, phobias.
07:34It is indeed, absolutely.
07:35The two are rather...
07:36There is a phobia.
07:37If you go to www.phobias.com...
07:41Yeah.
07:42There is.
07:43There are all the phobias listed.
07:44There is a phobia, which is a phobia of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth.
07:49No.
07:50You have to be very good at Greek to be able to give that a name.
07:52They're all there, A to Z.
07:53Yeah.
07:54And the bloke who runs the website says...
07:55It says at the top, a little disclaimer,
07:57I don't know how to cure any of these.
07:59Yeah.
07:59I've just compiled a list.
08:02Yes, and they're all there.
08:03I don't know.
08:04Phegonophobia is the fear of beards.
08:06Is it?
08:06Yeah.
08:07Is the irrational fear of beards.
08:08I don't know whether that means that you're actually frightened of people with beards,
08:11or you're actually just scared of giant beards.
08:15It's just fear of bees.
08:17Fear of people is anthropophobia.
08:19Anthropophobia, yes.
08:20Fear of flowers is anthropophobia.
08:23They're different.
08:24Yes, they are.
08:27Well, anthropophobia are true.
08:28As in anthology, it means a collection of flowers, in fact.
08:31Does it?
08:32Antha.
08:33A-N-T-H-E-R is the Greek for flowers.
08:35Can I have an answer?
08:36Oh.
08:37Again, he's out.
08:38See, I thought I was doing well.
08:40No, you do terribly well.
08:40And he's just trumping me.
08:42Ileurophobia?
08:42What would you say that was?
08:43The fear of being allured.
08:48The fear of being allured.
09:02You're a cat.
09:02Is it?
09:03Yes.
09:03You could apply the same thing to say a love of having peanut butter stuck to the root of your
09:06mouth.
09:07But I just thought just a little glass of water when you're actually eating the peanut butter sandwich would clear
09:11that problem.
09:12Ever the practical woman.
09:14You're so right.
09:16You're so right.
09:17Nothing to be made from that cure.
09:18Yeah.
09:20Anyway, none of which has anything to do with the next question.
09:22Which is, in the Battle of the Bulge, who were the stomach division?
09:28The Germans.
09:30They were a German division, a German...
09:32They were.
09:33A regiment of darts players.
09:34They were a division.
09:37Certainly.
09:38A good Ducky Wilson.
09:39Eric Bristow.
09:41So we're clear on what the Battle of the Bulge was.
09:43Battle of the Bulge is in Belgium, the Second World War.
09:46Yes.
09:46When the Allies were advancing and the Germans went for one big counter offensive.
09:51The last great country.
09:52And it was quite successful.
09:54It was so successful that they made a film about it.
09:58It delayed the American...
10:00It delayed...
10:00It was the largest infantry battle in American military history and the bloodiest.
10:03Yes.
10:04600,000 Americans were involved, which is more than the whole of the Battle of Gettysburg.
10:07Yes.
10:07Let's face it, had Americans on both sides.
10:09Yeah.
10:10And they...
10:11It was called the Bulge because...
10:13Because the battle line was drawn out like that and the Bulge was the advancing army.
10:17That's right.
10:18The German advanced counter-attack made a bulge in the line.
10:21We're talking about very late...
10:2344.
10:231944, exactly.
10:25Yeah.
10:25And so the...
10:26Stalin's Red Army is pushing through east through Poland and towards Germany.
10:30And there's so few men, there's so few German soldiers left after all this fighting.
10:34Yeah.
10:34That they decide that they must use people who are...
10:37Who've got a sick note but it's only for a very slight problem like a little tummy bug.
10:41And so all the people with, who were off sick, who had stomach problems, were marshaled into a division of
10:48the 70th Infantry...
10:50And now all of them fell a bit unwell.
10:51...of the Wehrmacht called the Stomach Division.
10:53They all had to run.
10:55And they had to fight.
10:55Well, and fights.
10:56They, of course, displayed outstanding guts, you might say.
11:00But they were given their own latrines and their own special diet.
11:04And they...
11:05And are given a wide berth by most of the other people.
11:07So they were called the Stomach Division because they were ill.
11:10Yeah.
11:11And they were cooled up at the last minute.
11:12They were cooled up.
11:13Yeah, that's right.
11:13I mean, they're very similar to you.
11:14You had a leg missing or, you know, very severe illnesses.
11:17Yeah.
11:17You would be exempt.
11:19But they...
11:19But they reckon that...
11:20The bit of Windypots.
11:20The German.
11:21Get out there.
11:22Get stuck in, son.
11:23Dürchfall is the rather good German word for diarrhea, which just means literally...
11:28Dürchfall.
11:29Dürchfall.
11:29Dürchfall.
11:30Diarrhea means run through, for heaven's sake.
11:32Was it purely just physical ailments, though?
11:34There was no other ailments.
11:35No mad ones.
11:36No ones.
11:37Like when there was a terrible stutter in charge of the gunneries.
11:40No.
11:42What?
11:44What?
11:45What?
11:45No, these were the stomach rather, rather idealistically shot here.
11:48In the...
11:49Special Olympics.
11:50Yes.
11:51You know, it's handicapped people's games.
11:53Yeah.
11:53And they allow people in...
11:54Paralympics.
11:55Paralympics, of course.
11:56They allow people in who are a bit mad as well.
11:58Yes.
11:59Yes.
11:59And the Spanish basketball team, a few of them pretended to be mentally ill to get in.
12:04Yes, I heard about that.
12:05And they won the gold medal.
12:06That's ridiculous.
12:08I've been really, let that be on your comfort.
12:11I know.
12:13And the opponents were going, hang on.
12:15He's not mad.
12:17I'm mad.
12:18He's...
12:19You're going, I am a mad.
12:21I'm mad.
12:23I'm mad.
12:23So, you're right.
12:24It was the very much 70th industry that were known as the Stomach Division.
12:28Ah.
12:28Due to indisposition, they were unable to attend the Battle of the Bulge itself.
12:31Yes.
12:32All 10,000 of them were mopped up by the Canadians.
12:35But what bulges up and down by about 30 centimetres twice a day?
12:41Is it a fat pilot's ankles?
12:46You've seen it.
12:47Uh, take off.
12:48Uh, Mount Everest.
12:51Yeah?
12:51Not Mount Everest.
12:51Not Mount Everest.
12:51Well, actually, sort of expand that, the whole surface of the Earth.
12:54The Earth's crust?
12:55Yes, the whole Earth.
12:56Is it?
12:57Yeah.
12:57In the same...
12:58We know that the seas do, because of the tidal pull of the moon.
13:02But actually, the Earth, too, is also pulled slightly.
13:05The actual physical...
13:05Can we clear up once and for all how the moon makes the sea go in and out?
13:12That's...
13:12Interesting.
13:13I don't know about that.
13:15Oh, no.
13:16He's just...
13:17He's, like, so kid-wasted time in class, isn't he?
13:19Objects in space are attracted to each other, isn't he?
13:21...to a ratio which is the inverse of the square of their distances, as, uh, Newton made
13:25clearly.
13:27There's...
13:27The moon...
13:28See, that's too hard, you see?
13:30All right.
13:30Imagine you're talking to a small child.
13:34I was!
13:35You were in a car.
13:35All right.
13:38Imagine that the sea is made of iron filings and the moon is a magnet.
13:41Use another form of attraction.
13:42Why is the moon a magnet?
13:43Because it has a gravitational effect, which is a force, like magnetism.
13:47Surely the Earth is stronger than the moon.
13:49Why doesn't the moon get pulled into us?
13:50Well, it is.
13:51It's in an orbit.
13:52It's entirely around us.
13:54But it's fighting against you.
13:54But it still has a, you know, we have a massive effect on it.
13:58If it had water, obviously, its tides would, you know...
14:01Be a terrible space.
14:02Yeah.
14:02But, so, as each, over each bit, it's literally pulling the seas.
14:06The seas.
14:06And they bulge and you get the tides.
14:07Does it pull the liquid in people, though?
14:10Er, to some extent...
14:12We are, what, 90% water, aren't we?
14:13There is an argent.
14:14Aren't we going...
14:17The whole time.
14:18Never mind all this.
14:19Oh, you've got Pisces rising in your...
14:21No, no, no, no.
14:22That's all just a distraction.
14:24The moon's making us go...
14:28All the time.
14:29It's not making us do that all the time, or we would have noticed.
14:32But...
14:33In a very minor way.
14:34Some people do that.
14:35We behave a little bit like the Spanish basketball team.
14:40It's, er...
14:41Have you ever heard of a thing called a book?
14:43Yeah.
14:44But about that bit...
14:45And you open it up at the front, and there's all the words...
14:49Oh, yeah.
14:49Always good to learn.
14:51Sean, it's never good to mock people who are trying.
14:56No, it's not.
14:58No, it's not.
14:58No, it's not.
14:59Hang on.
14:59When do you say trying?
15:01No.
15:02We're still struggling under the letter B.
15:04We've had bacteria.
15:05We've had bulge.
15:06Yes.
15:07And we've had beaver.
15:08We've had a lot of beaver.
15:09But now...
15:09And quite a lot of bollocks.
15:11Yes.
15:11A great deal of bollocks.
15:14We now have a swift buzzer question for everyone, though.
15:17Fingers poised.
15:18Speaking of tidal bulges, how many moons does the Earth have?
15:21Yeah.
15:23Two.
15:24Oh!
15:25Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
15:28We did this last series.
15:30Yes, but Anna, that was last year.
15:31It is like...
15:31There have been three more discovered.
15:33Oh, sorry.
15:33It's true.
15:35It's true.
15:38I know it seems astonishing, but it's absolutely true.
15:41Do you remember last year?
15:42Cruithni.
15:43Well remembered.
15:44Cruithni is the spelling.
15:45Exactly right.
15:45But supposedly pronounced Cree-ney or something like that.
15:48Well, Cruithni was discovered in 97, and it has a weird sort of horseshoe sort of orbit,
15:55which doesn't quite complete.
15:56It bounces like that.
15:58Since then, there have been some more.
16:00Their name, they've got exciting names.
16:01Let me tell you their names.
16:02They're 2000PH5, 2000WN10, and 2002AA29.
16:08Those are their names.
16:09Some people say they aren't really moons, but on the other end, what else can you call them?
16:12They orbit the Earth, and they are, to some extent, like moons.
16:14They're not visible to the human eye, however.
16:16So you could argue that there's one, or that there's five, but certainly not two, I'm afraid.
16:20Is there any evidence that people are a bit more bonkers when there's a full moon?
16:23No.
16:23It's very interesting.
16:24There's been a lot of research about it, and there's been a lot of anecdotal evidence that at loony bins
16:27you have to lock them up on a full moon,
16:29but actually there's absolutely no clear evidence whatsoever that people behave oddly in a moon.
16:34So why do I go out killing?
16:36Good.
16:40So, there we are.
16:41It's certainly not two moons.
16:43Which brings us, appropriately, to the humiliating business of our general ignorance round,
16:47which is how we end our show.
16:48We ask over and over again the same question.
16:51What on earth did you go to school for?
16:53Fingers on buzzers, please.
16:55Ladies and gentlemen, how many points do you need to win a game of table tennis?
17:0221.
17:02No!
17:04Alan!
17:04Alan!
17:05Alan!
17:05Alan!
17:06Alan!
17:06Alan!
17:07Alan!
17:07Alan!
17:07Alan!
17:08Alan!
17:09Alan!
17:25The Penny 2003!
17:25When they discover the other moon!
17:29Let Alan get five points back, if you can give me the reason...
17:33Two things happened, essentially, they stopped it being 21, they made it 11,
17:36and not only that, they've actually increased the size of the ball by two millimeters.
17:40What is the reason for both those changes?
17:42They make the ball larger to make the game easier.
17:45This is a question just for Alan!
17:50To get five points back.
17:52I can't really...
17:52There's one thing, one thing, what do you and I both feed like whores?
17:57Pardon?
18:00You and I, what do we earn our daily crust from?
18:04Feeding that cathode ray tube, the television.
18:07Television.
18:09The games are shorter.
18:11It makes it 14% slower, more easy to watch.
18:14To watch on the television.
18:15That's right.
18:15And the games are shorter because human beings these days are just gibbering maniacs.
18:19They really are.
18:20They have to go and vomit up a pizza every five minutes so they can't get anything longer than that.
18:24How many bacteria are there on a table tennis ball, for example?
18:28Many, many, I should think.
18:29Because they must be hardy souls, I shouldn't think.
18:31Well, it certainly doesn't think, you know.
18:33Whoa!
18:36So for us to 11 then.
18:37Yeah, anyway, so that's the reason.
18:39What they should really get rid of is that awful noise of trainers on the floors.
18:41Have you ever watched it on television?
18:43Squeak, squeak, squeak.
18:44You drive me mental.
18:45Yeah.
18:46That's why I kill.
18:47That's why you kill.
18:48That's why I can't kill.
18:49Now, as a first-timer on this show, Annie, we've got a question especially for you.
18:53You're touring in the vagina monologues, and I understand you're something of an expert in this interesting field.
19:00So tell me, how many vaginas does a kangaroo have?
19:03There's a kangaroo there.
19:04Oh, hang on.
19:05Not much hip, though.
19:05Are they vaginas on top of its head?
19:08I would say four.
19:11Actually, I'll throw the kangaroos' vagina open.
19:14See, none.
19:15No vaginas.
19:18800.
19:23101.
19:25Anybody in the audience?
19:27Three is the right answer.
19:28Three.
19:29We've got that.
19:30It's a very, it's a very extraordinary thing.
19:33It has, in case of one thing, that's two up and one across, in terms of configuration.
19:40I know what happens when they give birth.
19:42Yeah.
19:42The baby crawls across the mother's body and goes in the pout.
19:46Yes.
19:47There are, there are unknown fetuses that they're that.
19:51But the question is more interesting.
19:53Yes.
19:55That it actually has two wombs, the female kangaroo.
19:59Yeah, yeah.
19:59And it gives birth to a baby, a Joey.
20:03And if it doesn't survive.
20:05It's called a Jolly, mate.
20:06Yes, a Joey.
20:06Jolly.
20:07Yes.
20:07Or Joey in a bad or straight accent, whichever you like.
20:10If it doesn't survive the year, yeah, then that triggers the birth of another Joey in
20:15the other womb, which comes out of the other vagina, the other uterus.
20:18Yeah.
20:19And so it's like a backup.
20:20And the third one's for luck.
20:21But the third one is completely not understood.
20:23There's only two wombs, but three vaginas.
20:24Yes.
20:25And the male has four penises, so there's a lot of running going on.
20:28No.
20:28How many penises does the male have?
20:3017.
20:32Two.
20:32Two.
20:32Well, one split into two.
20:34Like the dermal species.
20:35Known as the hemi, the hemi penis.
20:37Yeah.
20:38It's racking up.
20:41I've eaten kangaroo.
20:42They taste very much like wallaby.
20:49Can I just also say...
20:51A wallaby is someone who really wants to be a kangaroo.
20:54Can I just tell you?
20:56Because it's quite interesting.
20:58One thing I learned during the vagina monologue is that the clitoris is the only organ in the
21:03male or female body that's designed purely for pleasure.
21:07It has no other use at all.
21:08Well, that's wonderful.
21:09And it has 8,000 nerve endings, twice the number is in the penis.
21:13No, the clitoris, isn't it, for putting balancing pound coins on for parking?
21:24No.
21:40No.
21:43No.
21:44No other use.
21:45No other use.
21:46Entirely there for pleasure.
21:46Just that's the only thing.
21:47It's a wonderful decoration.
21:48It's just there.
21:48The decoration.
21:49Yeah.
21:49In my case, of course, that's true of the penis too.
22:19But...
22:20There's an unfortunate sort of elision of Romulus and Remus there, not Julius Caesar.
22:24Right.
22:25Romulus and Remus were said to have been suckled by wolves.
22:26Yes.
22:27Caesarean section.
22:28Oh, dear.
22:29Oh, dear.
22:30Oh, dear.
22:31Oh, dear.
22:31Oh, dear.
22:33Oh, dear.
22:35Another cunningly laid trap you've fallen into, Mr. Bond.
22:37Um, it's, er...
22:39What I felt that night happened, to be honest.
22:40I know, yeah, I know.
22:41It's sort of an over-tributive.
22:42There's something about that that felt like.
22:44No.
22:44The fact is that, er...
22:45I'm a little lemming-like, aren't I?
22:49It's more than furry and attractive.
22:50Stephen Wright said he was born by Caesarean section.
22:52It doesn't really affect him.
22:53It's like when he goes into a room, he leaves by the window.
22:57Julius Caesar was born by Caesarean section.
22:59No, he was not.
23:00Well, what does it mean, then?
23:02Why is it Caesarean section?
23:03It's a corruption of the word Caesarean meaning to cut.
23:05There was such a thing as, of what we call Caesarean section,
23:08in Roman times, but the mother always died.
23:10The only way they knew how to do it would always kill the mother.
23:12Slash in the ground.
23:13And Aurelia, who was...
23:15Aurelia, who was Julius Caesar's mother,
23:16was known to have lived well into his adulthood,
23:18so he could not have been born by Caesarean section.
23:20So that's not the answer?
23:22How was he born?
23:22How was he born?
23:23We don't know anything particularly extraordinary
23:26about his features of birth.
23:27We just wanted a laughing boy here to fall into the trap.
23:30Check question.
23:31I'm afraid it worked.
23:33I'm sorry.
23:35So it's just purely a trap.
23:36It was purely a trap.
23:38It was purely a trap.
23:38I'm sorry about that.
23:39They couldn't do the eyes, could they?
23:40The sculptors and them, Dave.
23:41No, they couldn't.
23:42It was just rubbish.
23:43No.
23:43And they said, what do you think?
23:44And he went, that's...
23:46They don't even try, haven't they?
23:48Coloured them in those.
23:49They used to paint them.
23:50They're all painted.
23:51Do I get points for that?
23:53Yes, go on.
23:54Same with English churches, which were all clearly painted.
23:57And then, of course, the White Cliffs of Dover as well.
23:59That was all coloured in one point.
24:01A big jungle scene.
24:03The mouth of giraffe.
24:08Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear.
24:09What a massive great mural all around the south coast.
24:12All the different peoples of the world holding hands.
24:16All pointing at Westlife drowning in the sea.
24:18Yay!
24:20Do they used to do public drownings?
24:22Why don't they do it for people on death row?
24:24Drown them.
24:25You could ask for your last meal to be coconuts,
24:27and you could form a raft, and...
24:30LAUGHTER
24:32LAUGHTER
24:32LAUGHTER
24:33APPLAUSE
24:34LAUGHTER
24:37LAUGHTER
24:37I always think now, there's bloody last meals,
24:39when they...
24:39They always ask the same thing.
24:41Fish, fingers and chips?
24:42No, it's...
24:42It's always cheeseburger.
24:44Cheeseburger, fries, and a Coke,
24:47which we, um, non-criminals, refer to as a Happy Meal.
24:51LAUGHTER
24:54I just don't understand why they don't ask for something like that.
24:57What would you add?
24:57A really...
24:57A stale baguette and a pineapple.
25:00Yeah.
25:00Right?
25:00And form, like, a medieval mace,
25:02and just so flying away.
25:04LAUGHTER
25:06That brings us, rather attractively, I think,
25:08to our next, uh, question,
25:09because it's not unconnected.
25:11For what offences in the United Kingdom
25:12can you still theoretically be put to death?
25:15Burning her majesty's ships in her purports.
25:18Oh, dear-a-dear-a-dear-a-dear-a-dear-a-dear-a-dear-a-dear-a-dear.
25:20Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear.
25:21Arsenal in the Royal Dockyards
25:23is not a capital offence, I'm afraid.
25:24Um, sir, 20 away from you.
25:26Oh.
25:26Any other thoughts?
25:26Yes.
25:29Uh, puppetry in the Royal Dockyards.
25:31LAUGHTER
25:33Treason!
25:34Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
25:42I don't believe it!
25:45Like a heffilog into the honey trap.
25:47Well, there you are.
25:47There are no capital offences in the United Kingdom.
25:50Since 1999 when Mr Jack Straw signed a particular protocol,
25:53the 6th protocol, I think,
25:55of the European Declaration of Human Rights,
25:57Treason and piracy with violence and all those ceased to be capital offences in 1998,
26:01and the death penalty for arson in Her Majesty's dockyards was quietly abolished in 1971.
26:08Lastly, a distinctly final note, ladies and gentlemen.
26:10What are dead bodies eaten by?
26:13Yes.
26:15Oh, I nearly said worms. I bet that's...
26:18No!
26:21I didn't say worms! I didn't say worms!
26:23Worms came out of your mouth, if I can put it that way.
26:25So, but I don't think we should take away those points because...
26:29Bacteria!
26:30Bacteria!
26:30Quite right, our dear new best friends.
26:33Death beavers.
26:33Bacteria. They eat us all.
26:35The beavers of death.
26:37They've been in the living body all along and they end up decomposing it.
26:39Or cannibals. Cannibals eat dead bodies.
26:42Yeah.
26:43That's some truth.
26:45Forgetful grave diggers.
26:46Don't be packed lunch.
26:47No.
26:49Perhaps the most alarming place where bacteria hang out is in the kitchen.
26:52Chopping boards contain three times as many bacteria as lavatory seats
26:55and dishcloths a million times more than that.
26:58Which is quite scary, isn't it?
26:59So there you are.
27:00There's your bacteria who have been a theme for the week there.
27:02And there's just time to stroll into the hall of shame and see the final scores,
27:05which are in reverse order, I think.
27:08Out in front with seven points, Annika Rice.
27:10Oh, wow!
27:12And just one point behind on six points is Bill Bowling.
27:17On a clear third equal on minus 18 points each, Sean Block, Alan Davis.
27:26Well, that's all from Alan, Bill, Abigail, Sean and me to be sweet.
27:30Please do write to us if you have got something quite interesting to add,
27:34but don't write to us pointing out that beavers could be mistaken for euphemisms.
27:38We never use euphemisms, and we think that people who do are complete front bottoms.
27:42Good night.
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