- 1 hour ago
Mildred decides that she and George will celebrate their anniversary at a posh London hotel - whatever the cost.
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Stratford Johns - Harry Pinto
Norman Eshley - Jeffrey Fourmile
Sheila Fearn - Ann Fourmile
Kenneth Cope - Harvey
David Barry - Elvis
Sue Bond - Marlene
Nicholas Bond-Owen - Tristram Fourmile (as Nicholas Bond Owen)
Neil McCarthy - Eddie
Dudley Sutton - Jacko
Garfield Morgan - Bridges
Harry Fowler - Fisher
Bruce Montague - Spanish Businessman
Michael Angelis - Cafe Proprietor
Hugh Walters - Waiter
Johnny Wade - Porter
John Carlin - Casino Supervisor
Suzanne Owens-Duval - Croupier (as Suzanne Owens)
Bridget Brice - Receptionist
Robin Parkinson - Receptionist
Roger Avon - Commissionaire
Linda Frith - Angela
Mimi De Braie - 1st Cleaning Lady
Joan Ware - 2nd Cleaning Lady
Dennis Ramsden - Bishop
Caron Gardner - Bishop's 1st Lady
Vicki Michelle - Bishop's 2nd Lady (as Vicky Michelle)
Ishaq Bux - Hotel Casino Patron
John Clifford - Hotel Guest
Peter Diamond - Service Waiter
Aidan Harrington - Hotel Casino Patron
Alan Harris - Hotel Casino Patron
Walter Henry - Hotel Guest
Ray Knight - Hotel Guest
Roy Lansford - Hotel Bar Patron
Pam Rose - Casino inspector
Pat Ryan - Hotel Bar Patron
Terry Sartain - Hotel Casino Patron
Barry Summerford - Police Constable
Reg Turner - Hotel Guest
Harry Van Engel - Hotel Casino Patron
Director - Peter Frazer-Jones
Yootha Joyce - Mildred Roper
Brian Murphy - George Roper
Stratford Johns - Harry Pinto
Norman Eshley - Jeffrey Fourmile
Sheila Fearn - Ann Fourmile
Kenneth Cope - Harvey
David Barry - Elvis
Sue Bond - Marlene
Nicholas Bond-Owen - Tristram Fourmile (as Nicholas Bond Owen)
Neil McCarthy - Eddie
Dudley Sutton - Jacko
Garfield Morgan - Bridges
Harry Fowler - Fisher
Bruce Montague - Spanish Businessman
Michael Angelis - Cafe Proprietor
Hugh Walters - Waiter
Johnny Wade - Porter
John Carlin - Casino Supervisor
Suzanne Owens-Duval - Croupier (as Suzanne Owens)
Bridget Brice - Receptionist
Robin Parkinson - Receptionist
Roger Avon - Commissionaire
Linda Frith - Angela
Mimi De Braie - 1st Cleaning Lady
Joan Ware - 2nd Cleaning Lady
Dennis Ramsden - Bishop
Caron Gardner - Bishop's 1st Lady
Vicki Michelle - Bishop's 2nd Lady (as Vicky Michelle)
Ishaq Bux - Hotel Casino Patron
John Clifford - Hotel Guest
Peter Diamond - Service Waiter
Aidan Harrington - Hotel Casino Patron
Alan Harris - Hotel Casino Patron
Walter Henry - Hotel Guest
Ray Knight - Hotel Guest
Roy Lansford - Hotel Bar Patron
Pam Rose - Casino inspector
Pat Ryan - Hotel Bar Patron
Terry Sartain - Hotel Casino Patron
Barry Summerford - Police Constable
Reg Turner - Hotel Guest
Harry Van Engel - Hotel Casino Patron
Director - Peter Frazer-Jones
Category
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:27To be continued...
00:00:39To be continued...
00:01:26To be continued...
00:01:29I can wait. Hop in.
00:01:31Oh, thanks.
00:01:33There we go.
00:01:35Well, I do hope you won't be long.
00:01:36Last time I saw him, he was playing hide-and-seek with a little Fenimore girl.
00:01:39Oh, bless him.
00:01:42Got you!
00:01:43Let me go!
00:01:45No, not until you've said it.
00:01:46Said what?
00:01:47That you like me much more than Vanessa Lockwood.
00:01:50Go on, admit it, and I'll let you give me a kiss.
00:01:58I was right.
00:01:59He does love me.
00:02:02Your wedding anniversary when?
00:02:03Hmm, day after tomorrow.
00:02:05Oh, don't tell George.
00:02:06It will spoil everything.
00:02:07What do you mean?
00:02:08Well, if he forgets our anniversary, like he did last year, it means he won't be able to deny me
00:02:13anything.
00:02:14On the other hand, if he remembers, it'll mean a 10p card, a wild night out with a lamb and
00:02:20trumpet, all the crisps I can eat, and a lager and lime with a cherry in it.
00:02:25Oh, come on.
00:02:26Oh, stupid bitch!
00:02:31That was close.
00:02:32What was?
00:02:34Never mind.
00:02:36Well, where would you like to go for your wedding anniversary, Mildred?
00:02:39Where I've just come from.
00:02:40Look in the glove compartment.
00:02:43Er, the Hampton Wick laundrette.
00:02:46No, love, the brochure.
00:02:48Oh.
00:02:50Oh, a long weekend at the London Hotel.
00:02:53Hmm, special package deal.
00:02:54Oh, just think, Anne. No cooking, no cleaning, just good food and good wines and a head waiter that looks
00:03:02like Paul Newman.
00:03:05But how much is all this going to cost?
00:03:07Oh, food and wine. Well, part of the package deal.
00:03:11Paul Newman? No idea.
00:03:14Still going to cost rather a lot.
00:03:15I know. Poor George. He'd rather give blood than money, if he had any.
00:03:22Still, I must say, it does look very nice.
00:03:23Well, like it says in the brochure.
00:03:25The London Hotel caters for only the cream of international society, the cultured, the sophisticated and those dedicated to the
00:03:33arts of gracious living.
00:03:36Want me to order anything else, Uncle Harry? A liqueur, brandy, half the dinner mint.
00:03:42An exterminator.
00:03:48Exterminator.
00:03:49A what?
00:03:51Not a what, Elvis?
00:03:52A whom?
00:03:55A highly qualified professional person, trained to seek out, destroy and generally dispose of undesirable elements in our society.
00:04:04Undesirable elements?
00:04:05To which, a certain business competitor of mine, who, not to put too faint a point on it, is beginning
00:04:13to get right up my hooter.
00:04:15One of Bridges, by name.
00:04:16Oh, you mean you want a hit man?
00:04:20No, Elvis, I do not mean I want a hit man. If I'd wanted a hit man, I would have
00:04:24used very, uh, shy love.
00:04:27Very shy love here.
00:04:29I mean his meat cleaver.
00:04:30Ah, no, Elvis, times have changed. The old tearaway days are dead and gone. I am now the head of
00:04:36a legitimate multinational business, which is why I need someone who will carry out his task, not only with skill,
00:04:43diligence and discretion, but in the event of his being apprehended, will keep his big yap shut too.
00:04:54Can I do it?
00:04:56Do what?
00:04:57Be the hit man.
00:04:59Oh, my God, not that again.
00:05:00Ah, go on, Uncle. Just once. I mean, how can I learn the business without a little practical experience?
00:05:06I have told you, times have changed.
00:05:10Besides, what if you were caught? What could I say to your mother? You wouldn't know where to start.
00:05:15I could learn.
00:05:16Well, pal, do they teach assassination at the London Business School? Could you take a course in shooting, strangling and
00:05:24what to do with the body?
00:05:26Oh, I know how keen you are, Elvis, but it's just not on.
00:05:29Well, it's still not right. I thought organised crime would be interesting, exciting, a bit of fun.
00:05:36Well, I mean, the way it's turning out, I might just as well be an accountant with a little townhouse
00:05:41in the suburbs where I wash the cars every week.
00:05:48Oh, dear. She's done it again.
00:05:53Oh.
00:05:56Did naughty Mildred run you over with a lawnmower and knock your little head off?
00:06:00Never mind. Uncle George will soon make it better.
00:06:03Do you normally talk to bits of concrete?
00:06:06It's not a bit of concrete. It's a genuine garden gnome with a personality of his own.
00:06:10He's dopey.
00:06:11He's not the only one.
00:06:13Yeah, well, there's no harm in it, is there? It's not often you get the chance of talking as much
00:06:18as you like without being contradicted.
00:06:20Oh, that reminds me.
00:06:23Has she said anything?
00:06:25Who about what?
00:06:26Your missus. About me.
00:06:28We don't discuss you. It encourages Tristan to pick up bad language.
00:06:30Only, um, Mildred's been behaving very strangely the last few days.
00:06:37Strangely?
00:06:37Yeah.
00:06:38Been nice, kind, considerate.
00:06:39What's strange about that?
00:06:41Well, I've done nothing to deserve it, have I?
00:06:43Just been behaving the way I usually do, you know.
00:06:45Mean, selfish, rotten.
00:06:47Yeah.
00:06:47Well, no, I wouldn't put it quite as strong as that.
00:06:49So, um, has Mildred been saying anything to your missus about it?
00:06:54I've already told you no. You have to ask yourself.
00:06:57Oh!
00:07:01I don't know why I bother, don't you? I really don't.
00:07:03Oh, baby!
00:07:04Oh!
00:07:06Thank you, love.
00:07:08There we are.
00:07:10Hello, George.
00:07:11Have a nice day.
00:07:13Hello, Mr Formal.
00:07:14Um, see you later, Anne.
00:07:16Mwah!
00:07:17Come on.
00:07:18Hello, darling.
00:07:19Good grief, you didn't accept a lift in that, did you?
00:07:21I've warned you before, it's a death trap.
00:07:24Shall we talk about it inside, Geoffrey?
00:07:32I don't know, Dopey.
00:07:34What can I say?
00:07:35I think we should have a little chat.
00:07:37Yeah, so do I.
00:07:38Oi!
00:07:40Oh, my God.
00:07:41I thought for a moment, a chat, what about?
00:07:44My financial situation.
00:07:46I need some money.
00:07:48Urgently.
00:07:49Oh, yeah? What for?
00:07:50To get away from here.
00:07:52I'm having woman trouble.
00:07:54You are?
00:07:55Women.
00:07:56Girls.
00:07:57They won't leave me alone.
00:07:59And I'm fed up with it.
00:08:00I mean, who needs them?
00:08:02I'd rather have a pet frog.
00:08:05I know how you feel.
00:08:06So I was hoping you could let me have 50 pence.
00:08:09Towards my bus fare.
00:08:10I've got to go somewhere I can be alone.
00:08:13Think things out.
00:08:14Where did you have in mind?
00:08:15As far as possible.
00:08:17France.
00:08:19Madagascar.
00:08:20The South Pacific.
00:08:22Martavira is in East Croydon.
00:08:23No, look, I'm sorry, son.
00:08:24If I had 50 pence, I'd come with you.
00:08:26Now, you hop off.
00:08:26I've got work to do.
00:08:28Suit yourself.
00:08:29But I would have thought it was worth a lot more than a measly 50 pence.
00:08:32What?
00:08:35You do know something, don't you?
00:08:37All right.
00:08:38What is it?
00:08:40Tomorrow's Thursday.
00:08:42I know that.
00:08:45Thursday the 12th.
00:08:46I know that as well.
00:08:48What else do you know?
00:08:50Well, not much, but it's not as though it's Mildred's birthday or anything, is it?
00:08:53So that's all you know for 50 pence.
00:08:55I want it back.
00:08:55Oh, my God, it's our wedding anniversary.
00:08:56She should kill me.
00:08:57That's right.
00:08:58Thanks for the 50 pence, Mr Roper.
00:09:00Mr Roper.
00:09:01Yeah?
00:09:01Happy anniversary.
00:09:05Thanks for the use of the phone.
00:09:07You won't say anything to Mildred, will you?
00:09:09It's for the surprise, of course not.
00:09:11It's just nice to know you remembered, after all.
00:09:13Remembered?
00:09:14Of course I remembered.
00:09:15How can I possibly forget a thing like that?
00:09:19Can I help you?
00:09:20Oh, hello.
00:09:21Directory Enquiries.
00:09:24I'm trying to find the number of the Candlelight Restaurant.
00:09:28It's just outside Weybridge.
00:09:31Yeah.
00:09:32That's right.
00:09:34It's up.
00:09:40I was sure you'd forgotten, George.
00:09:43What?
00:09:43Wedding anniversary?
00:09:45First greatest day in my life.
00:09:47All right.
00:09:48Don't rub it in.
00:09:50I'm sorry for all those nasty things I said to you this morning, before you told me what
00:09:54you'd arranged.
00:09:56Forget it.
00:09:57Thank you, George.
00:09:59Not at all.
00:10:01Anyone can make a mistake.
00:10:02Not to mention being mean, spiteful and extremely unpleasant.
00:10:06A George?
00:10:06Yet, my love.
00:10:08Oh.
00:10:09Nothing.
00:10:10I mean, after all, this is supposed to be a very special occasion.
00:10:14It certainly is.
00:10:15I think it's a next on the left.
00:10:17Oh.
00:10:19Whatever made you think of it?
00:10:21It?
00:10:22Yes.
00:10:22I mean, taking me back to the very same restaurant where you proposed to me all those years ago.
00:10:28Oh.
00:10:29And it suddenly came to me yesterday.
00:10:32The last month.
00:10:33What I said would give Mildred the greatest pleasure on our wedding anniversary, I said.
00:10:37A solid gold locket, I said.
00:10:39Well, since you mentioned it, George...
00:10:41Of course not, I said.
00:10:42Be too obvious, I said.
00:10:43It would?
00:10:44Yeah, she could have one of those any time she wants, I said.
00:10:46I can?
00:10:47Any time I have the wherewithal to buy one, I said.
00:10:50Ah.
00:10:51Well, it'll be some time before I can afford the sort of gold locket my wife wants and deserves, I
00:10:55said.
00:10:56Surprise, surprise.
00:10:58So, it suddenly came to me.
00:11:00Why don't we take a trip down memory lane, I said.
00:11:02You know, recapture the romance of yesteryear, I said.
00:11:04It'll not only be a lot of fun.
00:11:06And it wouldn't cost much money.
00:11:07Yeah, that's right.
00:11:08Yeah, but no, no, no, no, that's wrong.
00:11:10Ah, I think we're arriving.
00:11:12Oh.
00:11:20Oh, he seemed to be the only ones here.
00:11:22Well, it's a bit early for most people, yeah.
00:11:25Yeah, I wonder if Luigi will remember us.
00:11:27Why should he?
00:11:28I don't remember him.
00:11:28Well, you know, the head waiter, the big bloke with the bad feet.
00:11:31Oh, George, that was a long time ago.
00:11:33He's probably gone to the Great Savoy Grill in the sky.
00:11:37Anyway, who cares, as long as the food's all right.
00:11:38I am starved.
00:11:40Yeah, all right, well, we'll eat straight away.
00:11:41I've booked our original table, the one by the orchestra.
00:11:44Oh, George, you've thought of everything.
00:11:48Right, shall we go in?
00:11:49Yeah.
00:11:56Oh, dear, oh, dear.
00:11:58Well, nearly everything.
00:12:01George!
00:12:02Yeah?
00:12:04Oh.
00:12:05Sorry, sorry.
00:12:11Thank you, George.
00:12:14George?
00:12:15Yeah?
00:12:16It really was a nice idea of yours.
00:12:19Romantic, too.
00:12:21It seems I've, um, underestimated you.
00:12:25Yeah, well, that's your trouble, Mildred.
00:12:27You've always underestimated me.
00:12:30Shall we go in?
00:12:33Yeah.
00:12:35I think it's very romantic.
00:12:37What?
00:12:38Mr. Roper taking Mildred back to the restaurant where they got engaged.
00:12:41Yeah, well, he always was a bit of a masochist.
00:12:44Who'd have thought that Mr. Roper would have come up with an idea like that?
00:12:47Mildred was convinced he wouldn't even remember the date.
00:12:49Well, it was the first time for everything,
00:12:50even a glimmer of intelligence in a man like that.
00:12:53I still think it's romantic.
00:13:10Let's take a trip down old memory lane, he says.
00:13:13Let's try and recapture some of the romance of yesteryear.
00:13:16There seems to be some slight change in management.
00:13:19Well, what do we do now?
00:13:21Just have to go somewhere else.
00:13:22Come on.
00:13:23Oi!
00:13:27You talking to me?
00:13:28You'd have used to put the special table.
00:13:30Oh, yeah, but as you see, there's been some slight misunderstanding.
00:13:33Not as far as I'm concerned, mate.
00:13:35You booked it.
00:13:36You got it.
00:13:37Best table in the house.
00:13:39Right next to the orchestra.
00:13:41Oh, yeah, but there's been some slight mistake, you see.
00:13:43We had no idea the place had changed hands.
00:13:46Yeah, well, that's your look at the touch.
00:13:47I mean, I've already had to turn down half a dozen customers on account of your booking, so sit down.
00:13:52Yeah, listen, you don't expect me to...
00:13:53Hey, Peter George, just do what he says.
00:13:55Now we're here, we might as well have a snack.
00:13:57I'm starving.
00:13:59Yeah, me too.
00:13:59All right.
00:14:01What do you got?
00:14:02Well, you name it.
00:14:03Egg and chips, fish and chips, pie and chips, chump chop and chips, or mixed grill?
00:14:07Mixed grill?
00:14:09Egg, fish, pie, chump chop and chips.
00:14:12Right?
00:14:13Right.
00:14:15I'll just have a coffee.
00:14:16Yeah, me too.
00:14:17With or without?
00:14:18Without.
00:14:19Without.
00:14:20Without.
00:14:22With, please.
00:14:27Well, fine wedding anniversary this is turning out to be.
00:14:31Well, how was I to know they changed the place into a pull-in for yobbos?
00:14:34You should have checked up.
00:14:35How could I?
00:14:36There wasn't time.
00:14:37Tristan only reminded me yesterday, obviously.
00:14:39So you had forgotten.
00:14:42I knew it, and to think I actually apologised for what I said to you this morning.
00:14:46I did not forget.
00:14:48It just temporarily slipped my mind.
00:14:49How could you?
00:14:51I mean, obviously, a wedding anniversary means nothing to you anymore.
00:14:54Of course it does.
00:14:58Of course it does.
00:14:59And what's more, I'll prove it to you.
00:15:00How?
00:15:01I've seen if they got our tune.
00:15:03On that thing?
00:15:04Yeah.
00:15:05Well, they might have a punk version by the Sox Pistols.
00:15:08The who?
00:15:09Yeah, or even them.
00:15:23Oh, I'm sorry, I haven't got it.
00:15:25They haven't got what, George?
00:15:27Aren't you?
00:15:29What's the title?
00:15:30Uh, well, it's, um, uh, well, uh...
00:15:35You've forgotten it, haven't you, George?
00:15:37Yeah.
00:15:40What has this bear been bothering you, girl?
00:15:43You what?
00:15:44You're belt up.
00:15:45I've been watching him.
00:15:46He's really got you going, hasn't he?
00:15:48It's just a...
00:15:48I said shut up.
00:15:50I hate to see a lovely little dolly like you being pushed around by a sawn-off little git like
00:15:57him.
00:15:58And you just say the word and I'll give him a smack in.
00:16:02All right?
00:16:03Uh, Mildred, tell him who I am.
00:16:06Who you are.
00:16:07I've just told you who you are.
00:16:09You're a sawn-off little git.
00:16:11That's who you are.
00:16:13And you're a lovely little dolly who's just got to say the word and pow.
00:16:19I'll give it him.
00:16:20Right in a ribcage, pow.
00:16:22Just like that.
00:16:23All right.
00:16:24Uh, no.
00:16:24No.
00:16:25I don't need any help.
00:16:27Nice little dolly.
00:16:28She's old enough to be your...
00:16:29Uh, George.
00:16:31I'll let you know if I reconsider.
00:16:34Mr, uh...
00:16:35Call me Jacko.
00:16:36Mr Jacko.
00:16:38But, uh...
00:16:39I am his wife.
00:16:42It wouldn't sooner be his widow instead.
00:16:44No, she would not.
00:16:47Oh, well.
00:16:48Just as you like, girl.
00:16:51Don't you forget, spider.
00:17:00All right.
00:17:04All right.
00:17:09You enjoyed that, didn't you?
00:17:10You reveled in it.
00:17:11Well, it's a long time since anyone's called me a dolly.
00:17:15Lucky for him, he ran away when he did.
00:17:17I thrashed him with an inch of his life.
00:17:19You thrashed him?
00:17:21Don't be silly.
00:17:23Yeah, I know.
00:17:23He saw all talk, but he didn't really want to punch her.
00:17:27Not with someone like me.
00:17:28A quick look, too.
00:17:29In the solar plexus, he'd have been out like a light.
00:17:32I wouldn't bet on it.
00:17:33I know.
00:17:34He saw all wind and water.
00:17:35I wouldn't mind betting he's got his muscles sewn in his jacket.
00:17:38Well, now's a chance to find out.
00:17:40Eh?
00:17:41He's coming back.
00:17:43Oh, God.
00:17:48One with...
00:17:49One with...
00:17:51One with our...
00:17:53Special personal service on account of this lovely little dolly here.
00:17:59Thank you very much, Jacko.
00:18:01She's not a bad little dolly, is she?
00:18:03Oh, brother.
00:18:05Here.
00:18:06Why don't you sling him out and take me out instead?
00:18:09Just a minute.
00:18:09I told you to shut up.
00:18:11Right.
00:18:12That's it.
00:18:13Outside.
00:18:15You what?
00:18:16You should be so silly.
00:18:17You heard what I said.
00:18:19Outside.
00:18:23Suit yourself.
00:18:25Here.
00:18:26Oh, Mothballs has only called me out.
00:18:31I can only be pushed so far, Mildred, and this is it.
00:18:35But, George, you can't...
00:18:36No, don't try and stop me.
00:18:38A man must do what a man must do.
00:18:41I can only be pushed so far, Mildred, and this is it.
00:19:12Up.
00:19:13After you.
00:19:14So.
00:19:22Don't just stand there.
00:19:23Let's go out the other way.
00:19:25My hero.
00:19:31Ah.
00:19:31Boo.
00:19:32No.
00:19:34Don't let's be hasty, Jacko.
00:19:35I'm sure if we got together over a nice jump-top and chips
00:19:38if we can come to some arrangement.
00:19:39No, all right.
00:19:40Now, that's enough.
00:19:41Now, you've had your fun, Jacko.
00:19:43Now, leave him alone.
00:19:45Let's go.
00:19:46It's too late, girl.
00:19:47Please, Jacko.
00:19:48It's my Christian duty to tough him up now.
00:19:51Yeah.
00:19:53Besides, I've got my reputation to consider.
00:19:56Listen, Jacko.
00:19:57I'm warning you.
00:19:58If I lose my temper, you'll regret it, you know.
00:20:01No, listen.
00:20:01No, Jacko.
00:20:02I'll tell you.
00:20:14I'll tell you.
00:20:17Ooh, ooh, ooh.
00:20:19Ooh, ooh.
00:20:21Ooh, ooh.
00:20:43George.
00:20:45Here we go.
00:20:46Yes.
00:20:48Ah.
00:20:50Ah.
00:20:51Ah.
00:20:52Ah.
00:20:52Ah.
00:20:53Ah.
00:20:54Ah.
00:20:54Ah.
00:20:55Ah.
00:20:55Ah.
00:21:14Would Mr. Derek Lindsay, the BDO representative, please go to reception?
00:21:19Mr. Lindsay, please go to reception.
00:21:21Reception, can I help you?
00:21:23Oh, good evening.
00:21:24I'd like to book one of your get-away-from-it-all, no-expenses-spared, long-week-end packages.
00:21:31Oh, no.
00:21:33I didn't realise that VAT and service charges were extra.
00:21:37Oh, well, in for a penny, in for a pound, as my husband always says.
00:21:42Well, this weekend, if possible.
00:21:46Oh, yes, I will.
00:21:48She's checking.
00:21:49Mildred.
00:21:51Yes, George.
00:21:52May I say something?
00:21:54Like what?
00:21:55Where you'd like to be buried?
00:21:57Because either you pay for this long weekend, or you'll be paying for the rest of your life.
00:22:02So what's it to be?
00:22:04Yes?
00:22:06Oh.
00:22:07Well, yes, I know it's short notice, but I was hoping...
00:22:11Well, full up, are they?
00:22:12Oh, oh, dear.
00:22:14Oh, you can give us what?
00:22:16Oh, you can give us what?
00:22:16Two single rooms.
00:22:18Well, it could have been worse.
00:22:19Oh, with connecting doors, we'll take them.
00:22:24Oh, George, you're so good to me.
00:22:27Er, er, Roper.
00:22:29Mrs. and Mr. Roper.
00:22:32Thank you, Mrs. Roper.
00:22:33We look forward to seeing you tomorrow evening.
00:22:35Around seven?
00:22:36Yes.
00:22:37Bye.
00:22:39Captain Ratneal of British Airways, please call it reception.
00:22:43Hold the lift, please.
00:22:44Hold the lift.
00:22:44Call it reception, please.
00:22:48Didn't quite make it.
00:22:50Mr. Pinter, sir.
00:22:52Telephone.
00:22:53Right, er, you go on up.
00:22:59Harry Pinter.
00:23:01Oh, hello, Gordon.
00:23:03You here?
00:23:04Good, what's his name?
00:23:07Tell him to come tomorrow evening.
00:23:08Shall we see our seven o'clock shop?
00:23:12The hotel car park.
00:23:14Uh, what'll he be driving?
00:23:17I see.
00:23:18No, no, I'll have, er, I'll have someone meet him.
00:23:22Yeah, I'm sure he is good, if you recommend him.
00:23:26Yeah.
00:23:27Cheerio.
00:23:38Oh, do hurry up, George.
00:23:42Don't be here any minute.
00:23:43Who, the bailiffs?
00:23:45If you mention the cost of this weekend just once more...
00:23:48Mildred, suppose now can't meet the bill?
00:23:51Listen.
00:23:52I'm a traffic ward, you know, not Aristotle and Asis.
00:23:55Oh, I'm sure you'll find the money somehow, George.
00:23:58I mean, if the worst comes to the worst, you can always sell something.
00:24:00Like what?
00:24:01Well, use your old motorbike, your grubby magazine collection, your, er, body, if you have to.
00:24:09Don't be disgusting.
00:24:40I meant to medical science.
00:24:40Take her on a second honeymoon.
00:24:41That animal is a sprinkler system on legs.
00:25:12Daddy?
00:25:14I'm sure you'll have to do something.
00:25:14I've told you, Mildred had invited us in for a drink before they go.
00:25:19Whoopee.
00:25:21George?
00:25:22Where's Truffles?
00:25:24I suppose you realise we're going to miss Wonder Woman.
00:25:26I bet she's under that table.
00:25:27Who, Wonder Woman?
00:25:29Truffles.
00:25:30Oh, there you are.
00:25:34I like the way she spins round and round and round.
00:25:36No-one knows she's dying a prince because she isn't wearing her glasses.
00:25:39Oh, that'll be the four miles.
00:25:41Let me in, George, will you?
00:25:42And the way she catches bullets on her what's-it.
00:25:44Er, George.
00:25:46All right, all right, I'm going.
00:25:48She can last with me any time.
00:25:51Now, you behave yourself.
00:25:53No little puddles on the four miles carpets.
00:25:57Right.
00:25:57Right, come in, come in.
00:25:59Hello, Mildred.
00:26:00Hello, loves.
00:26:01Oh, it's never so nice of you to dog-sit at such short notice.
00:26:04Would you like to sit down?
00:26:05Oh, thanks.
00:26:06There we go.
00:26:06There you are.
00:26:08Er, George.
00:26:09Yeah?
00:26:10Get them some drinks.
00:26:11Oh, yeah.
00:26:12What do you want?
00:26:14Oh, anything, really.
00:26:15What have you got?
00:26:16I've got a lot.
00:26:16Light, brown, mild, bitter.
00:26:17I might even have some lager.
00:26:19I think we'd prefer something stronger.
00:26:21Well, I may have some sherry.
00:26:23Would that be the Moroccan sherry you gave us last time?
00:26:26No.
00:26:27This one comes from Hong Kong.
00:26:29No, thank you.
00:26:30Er, I think I'll have a scotch.
00:26:32Er, gin and tonic for me, please.
00:26:33Er, my usual.
00:26:35Scotch, gin.
00:26:36I shall have to take out a second mortgage.
00:26:40So you're, er, going to the, er, London hotel?
00:26:42Oh, do you know it?
00:26:43Oh, yes.
00:26:44I've dined there several times.
00:26:45They have one of the best chefs in Europe.
00:26:47His Canard Louis Cinque avec orange is superb.
00:26:50Er, especially with a dollop of daddy sauce.
00:26:53Right, er, gin and tonic, scotch.
00:26:55Er, which is which?
00:26:56Er, oh, well.
00:26:59Er, that's the gin.
00:27:00Oh, and that's the tonic.
00:27:02Er.
00:27:04Yeah.
00:27:08Yeah, that's the scotch.
00:27:09Do you want anything in it?
00:27:11Yeah, I'll have a drop of scotch.
00:27:15Well, I asked for my usual, and I got it.
00:27:19Oh, tell me.
00:27:21You have been a bit mean with the drinks, George.
00:27:25Have I?
00:27:25Oh, sorry, sorry.
00:27:27I'll make up for it the next round.
00:27:29Cheers.
00:27:31Cheers.
00:27:32Cheers.
00:27:37Oh, my word, look at the time.
00:27:38I'd better put the bags in the car.
00:27:41George.
00:27:41What?
00:27:42The drinks.
00:27:44Ah, no, better not, Mildred.
00:27:45After all, I am driving.
00:27:57Hang on.
00:27:59Right.
00:28:06All right, here we go.
00:28:08All right.
00:28:20Bye-bye, loves.
00:28:22Bye.
00:28:23Watch out.
00:28:24The road is gone.
00:28:31First turning on the right, sir.
00:28:33Thanks a lot.
00:28:47You lot, meet you at the Hood Hill car park at 7 o'clock sharp.
00:28:51Hold on.
00:28:53At 7 o'clock sharp.
00:28:57How will I know him?
00:28:59He'll be driving a lavender Daimler Jaguar and identify himself as Morris from over the river.
00:29:06Morris from over the river.
00:29:09Driving a lavender Daimler Jaguar.
00:29:15Oh, licence number GFA 4111N.
00:29:22GFA 411N.
00:29:24Got it.
00:29:25Yes, well, that shouldn't be too difficult, even for you, Elvis.
00:29:29You leave it to me, Uncle.
00:29:31I'll find him.
00:29:32Yeah, well, you'd better get a move on.
00:29:33It's nearly 7 o'clock now.
00:29:35Yeah, right.
00:29:36I'm going.
00:29:37And please, don't worry.
00:29:39I mean, what could possibly go wrong?
00:29:48Good evening, madam.
00:29:50Good evening, thank you.
00:29:53Or you, move along.
00:29:55I'll phone if we need a minicab.
00:29:57Minicab, do you mind?
00:29:58I happen to be madam's husband.
00:30:00And these are bags.
00:30:01You're staying here?
00:30:02Yeah.
00:30:03Long weekend package deal.
00:30:04Oh, one of them.
00:30:06Oi, corporal.
00:30:07Where's the car park?
00:30:09First turning on the right.
00:30:10Oh, right.
00:30:11See you inside, Mildred.
00:30:24Good.
00:30:40Good morning, Mildred.
00:30:41Good morning, Mildred.
00:30:44Good morning, Mildred.
00:30:53Good morning, Mildred.
00:30:53Good morning, Mildred.
00:30:53Good morning, Mildred.
00:30:54Good morning, Mildred.
00:30:54Good morning, Mildred.
00:30:54Good morning, Mildred.
00:30:55Good morning, Mildred.
00:30:57Good morning, Mildred.
00:31:00Good morning, Mildred.
00:31:17Lavender Daimler Jaguar
00:31:25Check
00:31:31Yeah, excuse me. Yes? Morris, isn't it?
00:31:34Er, well, yes, it is, actually, but why are you...
00:31:37Now, hold on. GFA-411N. Got it.
00:31:42And, er, you, I take it off from over the river?
00:31:45Er, well, from Hampton Wick, actually, but, well, would you mind...
00:31:48Elvis. Elvis Lever, the Petroni's Numerat owner.
00:31:51You are? I'm the big man's welcoming committee.
00:31:54Oh, what, you mean, the boss of this, er...
00:31:55Yeah, and he sent me down to meet you. Come on, we're late.
00:31:59Well, this is very decent of him.
00:32:01Does he, er, welcome everyone like this?
00:32:03Only the top man in their chosen professions.
00:32:06And you are one of the best in yours, aren't you?
00:32:08Oh, yeah, I like to think I am.
00:32:10How did you, er, find out?
00:32:12Well, we checked up on you, obviously.
00:32:14You go to all this trouble just for a single package deal?
00:32:16Well, it may be a single package deal to you, Morris.
00:32:19George.
00:32:20What?
00:32:21George. George Roper.
00:32:23Ah, right. Got it. George it is.
00:32:26And why not? It's as good a name as any.
00:32:28Right.
00:32:32Know something, George?
00:32:34Your job fascinates me.
00:32:37Always has done.
00:32:38Oh, yeah.
00:32:38Oh, it's a lot of fun.
00:32:39A lot of fun?
00:32:40Yeah.
00:32:41I'm known as the Hampton Horror.
00:32:42When people see me walking down the high street,
00:32:44the blood drains from their faces.
00:32:46I bet it does, George.
00:32:48I bet it does.
00:32:50Would you mind me asking
00:32:51how you got into this line of work in the first place?
00:32:54Oh, not at all.
00:32:58I just went down to the labour and signed on.
00:33:03Oh, went down to the labour and signed on.
00:33:05I like it, George.
00:33:06I like it.
00:33:13The red case goes in here
00:33:14and the other one next door.
00:33:16My husband's room.
00:33:17Oh, in that case, madam,
00:33:18shall I unlock the connecting door?
00:33:20Oh.
00:33:20Well, why not?
00:33:21I mean, after all,
00:33:22it's supposed to be a second honeymoon.
00:33:25On the other hand, what's the point?
00:33:27You'll only put a chair under the handle.
00:33:29No, don't bother.
00:33:30Oh, right.
00:33:32Oh, and here's, um...
00:33:34here's something for your trouble.
00:33:36Oh, no trouble at all, madam.
00:33:37No trouble.
00:33:37Well, and I see you realise that.
00:33:41If you do happen to see my husband anywhere,
00:33:43would you ask him to get a move on?
00:33:44Otherwise, we're going to be late for dinner.
00:33:45How will I recognise him?
00:33:47Oh, you can't miss him.
00:33:48He's a bit on the short side,
00:33:50blue suit, ginger moustache
00:33:52and the sort of manner that
00:33:54goes with his uniform.
00:33:55Ah, he's a military gentleman, is he?
00:33:58No, he's a...
00:34:00he's a traffic warden.
00:34:06I, er, appreciate your reluctance
00:34:07to talk about your work,
00:34:09but just as a matter of interest,
00:34:11what's your record for one day?
00:34:13Oh, er...
00:34:14Oh, yeah, er, about 22.
00:34:1722?
00:34:17Yeah.
00:34:18That's not possible.
00:34:19Well, I admit I had to be pretty nippy on me feet,
00:34:22but I've got them all in the end,
00:34:23every one of them.
00:34:23Every one of them?
00:34:24Yeah.
00:34:25Caught up with one at the traffic lights.
00:34:27Traffic lights?
00:34:28Yeah.
00:34:28In broad daylight?
00:34:29Yeah.
00:34:30He, he just sat there petrified,
00:34:31didn't know what hit him.
00:34:32Didn't know what hit him?
00:34:34My God.
00:34:37Come!
00:34:43This is Morris, Uncle Harry.
00:34:45Oh, about 10, too.
00:34:47He's the first of the call.
00:34:48George, at the moment.
00:34:49Right, George?
00:34:50Er, yeah, yes.
00:34:51Yeah.
00:34:51Yes, well, that's your privilege, George.
00:34:53I'm Harry.
00:34:53That's Vela, er...
00:34:55Shailoff.
00:34:56Vela Shailoff over there.
00:34:57This is Marlene,
00:34:59a budding actress, model,
00:35:00and my little, er, protégé.
00:35:01Oh, er...
00:35:02Sit.
00:35:03Oh, oh, thank you.
00:35:06Oh, sorry, sorry.
00:35:08Um, it's a nice place you've got here.
00:35:10Yes, well, if you can afford the best,
00:35:12buy the best, I always say.
00:35:14And that's why you're here, George.
00:35:16You come highly recommended, George.
00:35:19Oh, do I?
00:35:20Yes, my contact tells me,
00:35:21there's no one quite like you
00:35:22south of the river.
00:35:24Oh, well, that's very nice of him.
00:35:26And he's right, Uncle.
00:35:27Do you know what George told me on the way up?
00:35:30He said that he's really good.
00:35:32What they did was for he hit him real good.
00:35:36Oh, my God.
00:35:38I can see you and me is going to get on very well together.
00:35:42Drink.
00:35:43Er, yes, but only in moderation.
00:35:45Uncle wants to know what you'd like to drink.
00:35:48Scotch, champagne, brandy, liqueur, you name it.
00:35:51Oh, er, brown ale, please.
00:35:52Brown ale?
00:35:53You sure?
00:35:54If George wants a brown ale, bring George a brown ale.
00:35:57Yes, Uncle.
00:35:59Oh, I admire a man with simple tastes, envy him even.
00:36:03For those of us who are blessed, or should I say cursed,
00:36:05with a profound appreciation of the arts,
00:36:07some of us are really ripped off by some of these ponciard dealers,
00:36:11which is why I decided to have a go myself.
00:36:12Who knows?
00:36:13I might end up another Dick Van Dyke.
00:36:17Care to take a look?
00:36:19I...
00:36:20Oh, oh, yes, right.
00:36:25Well, what do you think?
00:36:27Er, you're doing a day very nice.
00:36:33What do you mean you haven't seen him?
00:36:36Well, he only went to park the car.
00:36:39Could you put out another call for him, please?
00:36:42Yes, tell him I'll be in the bar.
00:36:45Oh, God.
00:36:46I bet he's still down there,
00:36:48booking every car in sight.
00:36:56Oh!
00:36:57Oh, I do beg your pardon.
00:36:59For what, madame?
00:37:00No harm done.
00:37:01Oh, very kind of you.
00:37:04Not at all.
00:37:05Oh, um,
00:37:07do you think you could direct me to the nearest lift, please?
00:37:10I'm a little lost.
00:37:12Allow me to escort you.
00:37:15Oh, thank you.
00:37:16My pleasure.
00:37:18Do you come here often?
00:37:19Every time I come over on business.
00:37:22From Barthelona.
00:37:22Barthelona?
00:37:23Oh, Italy!
00:37:25Spain, actually.
00:37:27Oh, that Barthelona!
00:37:30So you're Spanish, then?
00:37:32Oh, you are very perceptive, madame, yes.
00:37:35Just a lonely Spanish businessman a long way from home.
00:37:39And you, you are on your own?
00:37:41To all intents and purposes, yes.
00:37:43Then perhaps you will allow me to buy you a drink?
00:37:45Oh, I'm afraid not.
00:37:47No, no.
00:37:47I'm supposed to be meeting somebody in the bar.
00:37:49Oh, even so, you can't at least have one little drink while you're waiting.
00:37:59Yeah, well, why not?
00:38:03See La Guerre, as you Spanish say.
00:38:08Look, I really should be getting off.
00:38:11What's your hurry, George?
00:38:13I can't wait to get started.
00:38:15No, it's the wife, you see.
00:38:17She'll kill me.
00:38:18Did you hear that, Venom?
00:38:21Shailoff.
00:38:21Shailoff.
00:38:22His wife will kill him.
00:38:26No, no, don't.
00:38:28Well, I'll tell you, HP.
00:38:30This pose ain't half killing me.
00:38:32Can I have a rest?
00:38:33Of course.
00:38:34Look, I really ought to be off.
00:38:35Yeah, but you haven't had your beer yet.
00:38:36Elvis, what are you doing out there?
00:38:38Brewing the stuff?
00:38:39Sorry, Uncle.
00:38:40I can't find any.
00:38:43No-one's ever asked for brown ale before.
00:38:45I'll have to send down for something.
00:38:46Oh, don't bother.
00:38:47George wants to get going.
00:38:48If you don't mind.
00:38:49No, not at all, George.
00:38:50I appreciate your enthusiasm.
00:38:53It's people like you who make this world a better place to live in.
00:38:58Oh, that's nice of you to say so.
00:39:00The envelope.
00:39:01Oh, yeah.
00:39:04It's all there, George.
00:39:06Photo, name, address, the lot.
00:39:09Whose photo?
00:39:11Not now, George.
00:39:12You know what I mean.
00:39:14Just pop it in your pocket and look at it later.
00:39:17I don't quite understand.
00:39:18Don't worry, George.
00:39:19You'll find everything has been taken care of.
00:39:24Well, if you'll forgive me, all this painting has made me feel so artistically drained.
00:39:27I think I'll have a little lie down.
00:39:30Well, goodbye, George.
00:39:31Good hunting.
00:39:32You too.
00:39:35Come, Marlene.
00:39:37Time for another coaching session.
00:39:39What costume should I wear?
00:39:41The gym slip or the naughty nurse?
00:39:43Oh, well, I forgot.
00:39:45You'll get half your fee in the usual way downstairs, okay?
00:39:48Downstairs?
00:39:49Shake, rattle and roll.
00:39:51Comprende?
00:39:52Good luck, George.
00:39:54Yep.
00:39:54Oh, thank you.
00:39:59Salud.
00:40:00Oh, cheers.
00:40:04This is very kind of you, Mr.
00:40:07Sandro.
00:40:09Don Sandro Rodriguez, the day after Barcelona.
00:40:11And you?
00:40:13Oh, I'm Mildred.
00:40:15Mildred Dorothy Roper, Nee Tremble, E. Hampton Wick.
00:40:22Senora Roper, I see.
00:40:24You are married, yes?
00:40:26Um, I have a husband, yes.
00:40:28But don't let's please talk about me.
00:40:31I mean, I'm sure you've got enough troubles of your own.
00:40:33I would adore to talk about you, Mildred.
00:40:36But not here.
00:40:38We need to be alone.
00:40:40And let us talk over dinner in the privacy of my room, yes?
00:40:44Oh, well, that's very thoughtful of you, Sancho, but I couldn't.
00:40:48I never have, you see.
00:40:49You never have what?
00:40:51Dined alone.
00:40:53With a man.
00:40:54That wasn't my husband, I mean.
00:40:56Oh.
00:40:58How many husbands have you had?
00:41:00Oh, only the one.
00:41:02But it was a very kind invitation.
00:41:04It was very nice of you.
00:41:09In Spain, we have a saying.
00:41:13It is easy to be nice to a beautiful lady.
00:41:17Oh.
00:41:19How utterly charming.
00:41:22You never get my husband to say anything like that.
00:41:25But surely...
00:41:26No, really.
00:41:27I don't know why I'm telling you all this.
00:41:29Must be because you've got a kind face.
00:41:31Not to mention the gin in it.
00:41:33No, the fact is that the last time I went out with George, you know, we dined together.
00:41:37The only romantic thing he said to me was,
00:41:40Well, Mildred, this is better than a slap in the face with a wet fish.
00:41:45How poetic.
00:41:49Look, are you sure you won't change your mind?
00:41:51If we order now, dinner can be sent straight to my room.
00:41:55You see, the truth is that I've wanted to talk to somebody like this for years.
00:41:59I mean, really talk, you know what I mean?
00:42:01Well, yes, but like I say, if we do not move...
00:42:04Well, you see, the thing is, my husband doesn't understand me.
00:42:11Oh, yeah.
00:42:13Very nice.
00:42:21And Private Bob, too.
00:42:30Mildred?
00:42:31Mildred, you in there?
00:42:50Oh, hello.
00:42:51Is that the operator?
00:42:54Yeah, this is room 632.
00:42:57I want to know if anybody's seen my wife.
00:43:00Your name?
00:43:01Um, my name's Roper, George Roper.
00:43:04Description, sir?
00:43:04Description?
00:43:05Um, oh, about, uh, 5'9", gingery moustache.
00:43:09Oh, her, yeah.
00:43:11Look, could you just ask the receptionist if my wife's left a message?
00:43:15Well, have a talk.
00:43:21Hello, sir?
00:43:22Oh, hello.
00:43:23Your wife is in the bar, sir.
00:43:24Oh, which bar's there?
00:43:25It's in the nooks bar.
00:43:26Oh, yeah, right.
00:43:27Thank you, Tom.
00:43:29Oh, I don't know.
00:43:31Trust Mildred.
00:43:33I'd better get down there before she drinks the face dry.
00:43:37Well, I don't want to be disloyal to George.
00:43:40He's got many hidden qualities.
00:43:43Well, he hides them from me, anyway.
00:43:46I mean, he even spoilt our wedding day.
00:43:48I mean, the most beautiful moment of the ceremony.
00:43:51And he slips a rolled-up porn ticket on my finger.
00:43:54Yes.
00:43:55Well, I really should be, uh...
00:43:58And the honeymoon?
00:43:59Two solid weeks of Monopoly.
00:44:02The only thrill of the fortnight was when he landed on me waterworks.
00:44:06Signora, I really moved...
00:44:08Everybody said that a wartime marriage couldn't last.
00:44:13Well, ours did.
00:44:16Where did we go wrong?
00:44:19Waiter!
00:44:20Feel her up!
00:44:22I'm so sorry.
00:44:23I just remember, I have to see a man about a chihuahua.
00:44:29Adios, senor.
00:44:32And what would madam like now?
00:44:36Her husband.
00:44:39Sorry, I can't help.
00:44:40Oh yeah.
00:44:41Dadup.
00:44:44Dadup.
00:44:47Dadup.
00:45:11You're handsome-looking devil George Roper.
00:45:14How lucky could a woman get?
00:45:21Oh, excuse me, I'm looking for a woman.
00:45:24No accounting for taste?
00:45:26No, no.
00:45:26My wife told me to meet her down here.
00:45:29Oh, I see.
00:45:30Well, if she's the one I think she is, she said, would I tell you that she's gone to spend
00:45:33a pound?
00:45:34Don't you mean spend a penny?
00:45:35Not in that place, dear.
00:45:39That's a casino, with a gamble for money.
00:45:41Well, what do you think they did in there?
00:45:42Let's make some ladders for Smarties.
00:45:47Oh, my God.
00:46:04Place your bets, please.
00:46:07Any more bets, thank you.
00:46:11Red, 23.
00:46:13Oh, thumb.
00:46:20Eenie, meenie, miney, moe.
00:46:24Okay, roll them.
00:46:29Place your bets, please.
00:46:31Miltie, what the devil do you think you're doing?
00:46:34Do you know how long I've been waiting for you?
00:46:36Oh, yeah, well, I can explain that.
00:46:38No more bets, thank you.
00:46:43Lack 35.
00:46:45Oh, no.
00:46:47Oh, well, fifth time lucky.
00:46:49George, pick a number.
00:46:51Um, five.
00:46:53Right, five it is.
00:46:57How much do you think it costs, Miltie?
00:46:59It was only a pound.
00:47:01A pound?
00:47:02What do you mean, ten things a go?
00:47:03Of course not.
00:47:05Pound a go.
00:47:06Place your bets, please.
00:47:07A pound a go?
00:47:08Are you potting it here?
00:47:09Get your money back.
00:47:10I will not.
00:47:11I have come here to enjoy myself, and you are not going to spoil it by your meanness.
00:47:16No more bets, thank you.
00:47:17How can anyone enjoy themselves losing every penny they've got?
00:47:20You can't win.
00:47:20It's fixed in the management's favour.
00:47:22Five, Red.
00:47:23Yeah.
00:47:23There, I see.
00:47:24Number five.
00:47:24Number five.
00:47:27George.
00:47:27We've won at 35 to 1.
00:47:3035 to 1?
00:47:32That's 35 quid.
00:47:34Yes.
00:47:35Now, we're going to call it quits while we're ahead.
00:47:39Oh, no.
00:47:40Hold on, Miltred.
00:47:43What's the hurry?
00:47:48Uncle?
00:47:49Uncle, it's George's coat.
00:47:52Yeah, what is it?
00:47:53George.
00:47:53Where's, uh, Venom?
00:47:55Shilof, he's downstairs, arranging George's first payment.
00:47:58This coat, George left it behind.
00:48:00I'd better take it to him.
00:48:01What now?
00:48:01Downstairs in front of everyone so they know you're acquainted?
00:48:03Oh, well...
00:48:04Just go bunging in his car and make sure it's the right car.
00:48:06Right.
00:48:07Oh, come on, Uncle.
00:48:08I got the right car last time, didn't I?
00:48:13BELL RINGS
00:48:33Now, George, now, that's enough.
00:48:35What do you mean, that's enough?
00:48:36I've only just started.
00:48:38It's a gift, Miltred.
00:48:39I just can't lose.
00:48:40Oh, my God.
00:48:41Well, come on, hurry up.
00:48:42I haven't got all night.
00:48:43Here's your beds, please.
00:48:51The wrong one?
00:48:53What do you mean, he's the wrong one?
00:48:55Because the real one's in the back of his jag,
00:48:57as dead as a dingo's doodah.
00:49:00Sorry, boss.
00:49:01It, uh, it seems I, uh, I got the wrong one.
00:49:04The wrong one?
00:49:05What are you talking about, you idiot?
00:49:07The wrong one.
00:49:08Well, he must have been a decoy, Mr. Bridges.
00:49:09It's just a sort of dirty, rotten trick Harry Pinter would pull.
00:49:13Are you sure he's not the one?
00:49:14No, the real one's in the casino, collecting his first instalment.
00:49:17Are you sure to?
00:49:18Oh, come on.
00:49:19We all make mistakes.
00:49:21But don't mess it up this time.
00:49:22No, of course I won't.
00:49:24Not a second time.
00:49:25You better not, Harvey.
00:49:27You know what'll happen to you if you do.
00:49:31Tough.
00:49:33Yeah.
00:49:34Yeah, okay.
00:49:35Ciao, Uncle.
00:49:4513, black.
00:49:53Thank you very much.
00:49:54George, I just can't stand this any more.
00:49:57Oh, trust me, Mildred.
00:49:58I know what I'm doing.
00:49:59Er, leave it there, please.
00:50:02Place your bets, please.
00:50:15He's a what?
00:50:17Er, traffic warden, Uncle.
00:50:19From Hampton Wick.
00:50:21A traffic warden?
00:50:22Are you sure?
00:50:23Well, that's what his wife told them in reception.
00:50:26He's here with his wife?
00:50:28They booked in for the weekend.
00:50:30Wedding anniversary celebration.
00:50:32Ah, that's nice.
00:50:34You've really excelled yourself this time, Elvis.
00:50:36I sent you out for an exterminator.
00:50:39And you come back with a traffic warden.
00:50:42I'm sorry, Uncle.
00:50:43I won't do it again.
00:50:44How could you be so stupid?
00:50:47I knew there was something wrong with that little toerag the moment he walked through that door.
00:50:51You said you liked his style.
00:50:53So ask you.
00:50:54A real professional.
00:50:56That's what you called him.
00:50:57I won't tell you again.
00:50:58At least we found out in time.
00:51:01Tor-rag.
00:51:08Black, 15.
00:51:10Sorry, sir.
00:51:13Trust me, Mildred, he said.
00:51:15I know what I'm doing, Mildred, he said.
00:51:17Do you realise how much money you've just lost?
00:51:20Well, that's the way it goes in, Roulette, Mildred.
00:51:22It's what they call a temporary setback.
00:51:23I'll win it back again.
00:51:24All I need is a bit of capital.
00:51:26How much money you've got?
00:51:27Oh, no, you don't.
00:51:28Mildred, I'm on a winning streak.
00:51:29I only need a few quid.
00:51:30Not my few quid.
00:51:33I'll leave your wallet upstairs.
00:51:34Right.
00:51:35And let's go and get your wallet.
00:51:36Oh, no, Mildred.
00:51:37George.
00:51:41You do realise we're too late for dinner?
00:51:44630-62, please.
00:51:45That's all right.
00:51:46We can send out for a bag of chips.
00:51:49A bag of chips?
00:51:51We are in the London Hotel.
00:51:53And not in the local Doss House.
00:51:55Oh, oh, yeah.
00:51:57In that case, we'll send out for two rock salmon dinner
00:51:59and the bag of chips.
00:52:00We will go out somewhere.
00:52:02Let's go and get our coats.
00:52:04Oh, Mildred.
00:52:05I don't know.
00:52:13I was just wondering if you could think of anyone else.
00:52:16Same deal and conditions,
00:52:18plus a productivity bonus
00:52:20if he has to take out a bodyguard as well.
00:52:22We'll do what you can.
00:52:24Yes, we'll brief him here.
00:52:26Photograph, name, address.
00:52:27Oh, my God, I'll phone you back.
00:52:30Elvis, where is the envelope?
00:52:32Envelope?
00:52:33The envelope we gave to Morris,
00:52:34the one with the photo,
00:52:35the name, the address, and all the gear.
00:52:37Morris?
00:52:38Oh, you mean George.
00:52:40George Roper.
00:52:41What does it matter what he's called?
00:52:43We've got to get it back.
00:52:45Because if they put two and two together
00:52:46and go to the police...
00:52:47You're right.
00:52:48Get that envelope back.
00:52:50Find out exactly what they know.
00:52:53If they haven't rumbled us,
00:52:54no problem.
00:52:56But if they have...
00:53:01then kill them.
00:53:11Hurry up, George.
00:53:14George, come on, get a move on.
00:53:18I can't find it.
00:53:19What, your wallet?
00:53:20No, the overcoat.
00:53:21Oh, don't be so silly.
00:53:23I'll look for it.
00:53:25It's no use.
00:53:26I must have left it somewhere.
00:53:28Oh, no, I remember.
00:53:48I can't find it.
00:53:49All right, George.
00:53:51Now, let's get this quite straight.
00:53:53You tell me that the boss of this hotel
00:53:55sent someone down to meet you in the car park, right?
00:53:58Took you out to the penthouse
00:53:59and that's where you left your overcoat.
00:54:00Yeah.
00:54:01Why should he do that?
00:54:02Well, simply to make me feel very welcome
00:54:04and show me his little project, eh?
00:54:05Pardon?
00:54:06Granted.
00:54:07Yeah.
00:54:08She's very nice.
00:54:09She's lying on a sort of sofa.
00:54:11Hold it up a minute.
00:54:12Now, you listen, George.
00:54:13I don't know what you're trying to hide,
00:54:15but if you don't stop this nonsense
00:54:16and tell me where you really left that coat...
00:54:18No, all right, all right.
00:54:20If you don't believe me,
00:54:21why don't you go up there right now
00:54:22and ask him yourself?
00:54:22Oh, so you can sneak back to the casino?
00:54:25Not likely.
00:54:28Anyway, Milder,
00:54:28I can't go out without me overcoat.
00:54:29I'll catch me dead.
00:54:31Uh-huh.
00:54:31Promise?
00:54:32Promise.
00:54:33Promise.
00:54:37Promise.
00:55:08On the other hand,
00:55:09if you did catch a coat,
00:55:10you'd be about as much fun
00:55:12as a wet weekend in High Wycombe.
00:55:14Right, let's go back and get to Muttler.
00:55:16I wish you'd make up your mind.
00:55:23Quick, George, it's going up.
00:55:34It's not fair.
00:55:36It's just not fair.
00:55:48It's been awkward.
00:55:51It's been awkward.
00:56:07Mildred, I don't feel hungry.
00:56:09I seem to have lost me appetite.
00:56:10Do you think I could be sickening for something?
00:56:12Sickening, yes.
00:56:13For something, no.
00:56:17Look, go and get your muffin, George.
00:56:18I'll wait here.
00:56:20Mildred, it's been a very long day.
00:56:22Couldn't we just have an early night?
00:56:24Just you and me?
00:56:26Alone?
00:56:27Together?
00:56:28Well, who else?
00:56:31I'll go and get me muffler.
00:57:00Are you all right?
00:57:03What's the matter?
00:57:05Can I get a doctor?
00:57:06No, no, no.
00:57:07No, I'll be all right.
00:57:09I think you ought to sit down.
00:57:10Look, over there.
00:57:11Oh, yes.
00:57:13There we go.
00:57:13Lean on me.
00:57:14That's it.
00:57:15There you go.
00:57:16Oh, dear.
00:57:18Oh, I'm sorry.
00:57:19Oh, look.
00:57:20There you go.
00:57:22There.
00:57:25I've been running up the...
00:57:26Oh, you're very kind.
00:57:29You sure you wouldn't like me to get you a doctor?
00:57:31No, really.
00:57:32He'd only tell me what I already know.
00:57:34And what's that?
00:57:35I shouldn't be here at all.
00:57:36Well, where should you be, then?
00:57:37In a hospital.
00:57:39On a shelf.
00:57:40In a bottle.
00:57:41Never.
00:57:42Oh, yes.
00:57:43I've got things wrong with me
00:57:45that I haven't even got names for.
00:57:47Oh, good heavens.
00:57:48Oh, of course.
00:57:50I know what's causing it.
00:57:51Stress.
00:57:53Stress?
00:57:54The constant worry.
00:57:56The anxiety about the wife.
00:57:58The kids.
00:58:00School fees.
00:58:01Oh, I know just what you mean.
00:58:02You've got kids as well, have you?
00:58:05No, I'm afraid not.
00:58:06My husband and I just didn't get round to it.
00:58:10All right.
00:58:11All right.
00:58:12Muffler, muffler.
00:58:15Hello, George.
00:58:16Oh, hello.
00:58:20What are you doing here?
00:58:22I just came to return.
00:58:23Your coat.
00:58:25Oh.
00:58:28That's very kind of you.
00:58:29I won't need me muffler now.
00:58:31How did you manage to get in here?
00:58:33Oh, I suppose Mr Pinto has a passkey, has he?
00:58:36Come here, George.
00:58:38What?
00:58:38I've got something for you.
00:58:40We're Mr Pinto's compliments.
00:58:43Oh, yeah?
00:58:43What's that?
00:58:44Me.
00:58:45You?
00:58:46In exchange for that envelope.
00:58:48Which envelope?
00:58:49The one he gave you.
00:58:50Oh.
00:58:51Oh, yeah, that one.
00:58:52Of course.
00:58:53I told him.
00:58:54What sort of a girl do you think I am, I said.
00:58:57Then I thought, why not?
00:58:59I thought it would make a nice change.
00:59:03And I've always liked little men.
00:59:05Well, when I say little, I don't mean...
00:59:11Anyway, fair do's.
00:59:13Right then.
00:59:14What are you doing?
00:59:15I'm looking for it.
00:59:16Looking for what?
00:59:17That envelope.
00:59:18Oh, why didn't you say so?
00:59:20Well, come on.
00:59:21Let's have it.
00:59:21Right.
00:59:23Oh.
00:59:25I don't know where it is.
00:59:26Now, look.
00:59:27Hang on.
00:59:28I remember putting it in my pocket.
00:59:29Well, let's look for it.
00:59:31Come on.
00:59:31Take your clothes off.
00:59:33It's OK.
00:59:34I mean, watch outside if she finds us like this.
00:59:36Well, give me the envelope.
00:59:38Selfie, I haven't got it.
00:59:39All right, George.
00:59:41That's the way you want it.
00:59:43Let's see what you're made of.
00:59:44Come on, George.
00:59:45Get off.
00:59:46It's no use, George.
00:59:48I'm stronger than you.
00:59:50So you might as well lay back and enjoy.
00:59:52No.
00:59:53No.
00:59:54And this is little Bonnie in her brownie uniform.
00:59:57Oh, how sweet.
00:59:58And this is Clyde.
01:00:00I'm hoping he's going to follow me in the family business.
01:00:02Oh, what's that?
01:00:04Removals.
01:00:05Oh.
01:00:05Well, it's been ever so nice talking to you.
01:00:07Now, are you sure you're all right?
01:00:09Yes, I'm fine.
01:00:10But duty calls, as I say.
01:00:12Yeah.
01:00:12Oh, er, you mean, a removal job.
01:00:15Exactly.
01:00:17Well, I suppose I'd better find out what's happened to my husband.
01:00:20Well, it's been ever so nice meeting you.
01:00:22Likewise.
01:00:25Good night, and, er, thank you once again.
01:00:27Oh, good night, Mr.
01:00:29Oh, what a charming man.
01:00:32Oh, he's so gentle.
01:00:33He's so kind.
01:00:35So where's George?
01:00:59George, is that you?
01:01:02George?
01:01:15To a lady with all my love.
01:01:20George.
01:01:22From your devoted admirer, Antoine.
01:01:27Who the hell's Antoine?
01:01:29It is I.
01:01:32And who are you?
01:01:34Oh, please, forgive me, madame, but when I saw you earlier this evening across a crowded
01:01:39casino, I said to myself, sacre bleu, I said, that is for me.
01:01:44Oh, did you?
01:01:46Oh, please, do not be frightened.
01:01:50I know I did wrong, but I just couldn't help myself.
01:01:54Well, I'm not frightened, Antoine, but it's very flattering, I suppose.
01:01:59Then you will not send me away?
01:02:01Oh, sorry, yes, I'm afraid I must.
01:02:03I mean, you may find this very difficult to believe, but I am a married woman.
01:02:09Sorry, Antoine.
01:02:10Very well.
01:02:11If you insist, I will go.
01:02:14Oh, but please, not before.
01:02:16One petite glass de champagne.
01:02:19Oh.
01:02:19Oh, no.
01:02:20No, I really could...
01:02:21Oh, please, chérie.
01:02:23Oh.
01:02:24All right, then, well, but just the one.
01:02:26I mean, you wouldn't want me to get into trouble with my husband, would you?
01:02:29No, he's so, er, he's so big, he's so strong, he's so, er, jealous.
01:02:34Oh, Maurice?
01:02:36Maurice?
01:02:37His name's George.
01:02:38Oh, oui, of course.
01:02:40Oh, lovely.
01:03:12Do you need any help?
01:03:13No, no, I can manage.
01:03:15It is always a little difficult with a good vintage champagne, but once you have the nap...
01:03:20Ah!
01:03:21Oh, oh!
01:03:22Where are the glasses?
01:03:24Oh, you're all wet.
01:03:25Oh, no.
01:03:28I think you'd better take them off.
01:03:30No, madame, merci.
01:03:32But if it's all the same to you...
01:03:34Oh, nonsense.
01:03:35You don't want to get rheumatism, do you?
01:03:38Especially there.
01:03:40Look, go on.
01:03:42Go into the bathroom, get changed into this.
01:03:44I'll dry your pants on the radiator.
01:03:46No, I'm fine, really.
01:03:48You do not have to be shy with me.
01:03:51Oh, all right, then.
01:03:53But if you promise not to peek...
01:03:55Look, I've already told you I'm a married woman.
01:04:05Silly boy.
01:04:07What are you doing here?
01:04:09Then tell me where you're hiding the envelope.
01:04:10I'm not hiding them in there.
01:04:12You must be.
01:04:12I've been through everything else.
01:04:14Come on, now.
01:04:19Hurry up, Antoine.
01:04:21Your champagne's getting flat.
01:04:23I'm doing my best.
01:04:25Mam, blast the flaming thing.
01:04:28Ow.
01:04:29Ow.
01:04:30What is it?
01:04:32It's my zip.
01:04:33It's got stuck.
01:04:36Now I've got my shirt jammed in it.
01:04:38Oh, dear.
01:04:39I can't get it out.
01:04:41Well, is there anything I can do?
01:04:44Blast the flaming thing.
01:04:49Oh, you poor boy.
01:04:51Look, come over here.
01:04:53Thank you, Geoff.
01:04:54Yeah, yeah.
01:04:54All right, then you just lie down there.
01:04:56That's it, on the bed.
01:04:57That's it.
01:04:59Now, don't you worry.
01:05:00We'll soon get it free.
01:05:13My God.
01:05:15Oh, and she seems such a nice woman as well.
01:05:19Oh.
01:05:33God almighty.
01:05:34They're both at it.
01:05:37What kind of a marriage is that?
01:05:39Stop wriggling at that, children.
01:05:40I'm going to get this ass off you.
01:05:41If you like it, you're not good.
01:05:43Oh, no.
01:05:43I said George.
01:05:44Oh, no.
01:05:44Don't, no.
01:05:45I said George.
01:05:46I said George.
01:05:47I said George.
01:05:48Oh.
01:05:49Oh, God.
01:05:52Oh, you win.
01:05:53Have your way with me if you must.
01:05:55But you'll hate yourself in the morning.
01:05:57Too late.
01:05:58I'm knackered.
01:06:00I haven't felt like this since I made that film for Harry Pinto.
01:06:04Oh, what film is that?
01:06:07Golderscreen Gangbang.
01:06:08Did you see it?
01:06:10No, no.
01:06:11But I will do.
01:06:12I know they had to get it right, but I mean, 29 retakes in one day.
01:06:21Still, as Mr Pinto said, it took a real professional to handle that role.
01:06:29Well, I'm going to powder me watch-sit.
01:06:32Let a bit of air in George.
01:06:34It's like a blinking sauna in here.
01:06:35Oh.
01:06:36Right.
01:06:53Marlene?
01:06:55Did you say anything?
01:06:57Like what?
01:06:58Like...
01:07:00Not me.
01:07:02Oh.
01:07:03I could have sworn I'd say...
01:07:05Oh.
01:07:32Well, really.
01:07:33Who the devil are you, sir?
01:07:34Uh, window cleaner.
01:07:36At this time of night?
01:07:40Ah, bathroom.
01:07:42Yeah, well, uh, we're running a bit late.
01:07:44Sorry to disturb you.
01:07:45Window cleaner.
01:07:46More likely a peeping Tom.
01:07:48Damn pervert!
01:07:50What the hell is all the noise about, Percy?
01:07:56Coast is clear.
01:08:00It's all right.
01:08:03Look, um, if you do happen to bump into my husband, I hope he won't mention anything that
01:08:07happened tonight.
01:08:08Look, it's just that I wouldn't want him to get the wrong idea.
01:08:10Why should he do that?
01:08:12All you did was to take off my trousers and...
01:08:14Sorry.
01:08:16Look, Antoine, I'm still not quite sure why you did it, but thank you ever so much for the
01:08:21champagne and the flowers.
01:08:23Well, you are a nice boy.
01:08:25Right.
01:08:26Off you go now.
01:08:27Oh!
01:08:28My cut.
01:08:29Oh, cut!
01:08:31You sure you don't know anything about that envelope?
01:08:34Oh, no, I told you.
01:08:35Please, not a word to the wife.
01:08:36And thanks for returning me overcoat and everything.
01:08:39Any time you pass in Hampton Week, just drop in.
01:08:41No, no, no.
01:08:42On second thoughts, you'd better not.
01:08:44Got me a reputation to think of.
01:08:46You certainly do wonders for a girl's self-confidence, George.
01:08:49It's a gift.
01:08:50Good night.
01:08:50Help, there you go.
01:08:53Well?
01:08:54Well, what?
01:08:55Did you get it?
01:08:56No, I bloody didn't.
01:08:57And do you know why?
01:08:58Because he didn't fancy me.
01:08:59That's why my first failure in all the years I've been out here...
01:09:03I meant the envelope.
01:09:04Suck the envelope!
01:09:07Well, I'm sorry, boss.
01:09:09I'll just have to have another girl tomorrow.
01:09:10Tomorrow?
01:09:12What's wrong with tonight?
01:09:14Because I've damn near knackered myself, that's why.
01:09:17Oh, charming.
01:09:18And I thought you cared for the welfare of your employees.
01:09:21Now, listen to me, you incompetent idiot.
01:09:23I've a bloody good mind to join a union.
01:09:24Well, if he hasn't got it, who has?
01:09:29Pinted.
01:09:32Eight o'clock sharp.
01:09:33Tomorrow morning, hotel car park.
01:09:35Great.
01:09:35I'll have someone meet him.
01:09:37No, not you.
01:09:38Now, and Gordon, tell him it's more than a one-off job now, yes.
01:09:42It'll be three altogether.
01:09:44A couple staying here.
01:09:47In the hotel, yes.
01:09:58Good morning, Marley, Mildred.
01:10:00Morning, George.
01:10:01I've just come to knock you up.
01:10:03Pardon?
01:10:04For breakfast.
01:10:06Oh, well, that'll be nice.
01:10:09Do you sleep all right, do you?
01:10:10Oh, yeah, not too bad.
01:10:12You?
01:10:13Oh, mustn't complain.
01:10:14Oh.
01:10:42So, er, what happened to you?
01:10:44What happened to you last night?
01:10:48Last night?
01:10:49Hmm.
01:10:50After you went upstairs to get your muffler.
01:10:52Oh, er, yeah, I couldn't find it.
01:10:56So, well, you know, I thought I'd have an early night.
01:10:59Without telling me?
01:11:01Well, er, I couldn't tell you.
01:11:04Why not?
01:11:06Well, well, you weren't there at the lifts when I went back.
01:11:09Ah.
01:11:12What happened to you, then?
01:11:14When?
01:11:15When you weren't there at the lifts when I went back.
01:11:17Er, asleep.
01:11:19Sleep?
01:11:20Hmm.
01:11:21Yes, I thought I'd have an early night, too.
01:11:24Oh.
01:11:25Yes.
01:11:29It's nice here, isn't it?
01:11:30Oh, yes.
01:11:31Yes, very.
01:11:32Er, you're glad you came?
01:11:34Oh, yeah.
01:11:35Oh, yeah.
01:11:37No, I'm not.
01:11:38You're not?
01:11:39Why not?
01:11:40Why did you suddenly change your mind?
01:11:42If, er, on the other hand, maybe you're right.
01:11:47I am?
01:11:48Yes, well, I'm...
01:11:49As a matter of fact, I'm a bit disappointed in this place.
01:11:51I thought it was going to be nicer, somehow.
01:11:54Yeah, me too.
01:11:56Really?
01:11:57Yeah, I didn't like to tell you, you know, in case it spoilt your treat.
01:12:00Oh.
01:12:01George, that's very thoughtful of you.
01:12:03No, not at all.
01:12:04And I'll tell you something else.
01:12:06They don't do the bacon and eggs as good as you do.
01:12:08You're just saying that.
01:12:10No, I'm not honest.
01:12:13George?
01:12:14Yeah?
01:12:16Let's go home.
01:12:17When?
01:12:18Now.
01:12:19Right.
01:12:21Oh, George, you're going to take anything off.
01:12:24Oh, come on, pal.
01:12:27Morning.
01:12:28Buongiorno.
01:12:29Oh, buong, buong.
01:12:30Yeah, hi, bonjour.
01:12:31Yes, yeah.
01:12:31Good night.
01:12:33And another thing, I do miss little truffles.
01:12:36Yeah.
01:12:36And I thought this place would be more exciting, you know, more fun.
01:12:39More things happening.
01:12:40I mean, how wrong can you be?
01:12:54Ah!
01:12:55Wake up!
01:13:08In my opinion, the whole weekend's been a total waste of money.
01:13:24Yeah, I think we should ask for our money back.
01:13:26Well, you haven't paid anything yet, George.
01:13:27Yeah, well, it's another thing.
01:13:30Quiet!
01:13:32Please be quiet.
01:13:36Please be quiet.
01:13:38Be quiet.
01:13:39Be quiet.
01:13:40Please be quiet.
01:13:41No, no, no.
01:13:42If we hurry up, we'll be home in time to see if Tis was.
01:13:45Oh, bliss.
01:13:55I wonder what they're here for.
01:13:57Well, perhaps someone's been stealing hotel property.
01:14:05George!
01:14:14I wouldn't be surprised if the place is full of crooks.
01:14:16Really?
01:14:17Yeah.
01:14:18Oh, I'll tell you what, Mildred.
01:14:19You settle up and I'll go and get the car.
01:14:21Uh, George?
01:14:22Yeah?
01:14:22I've got a better idea.
01:14:24Yeah, I know.
01:14:25I'll settle up and you go and get the car.
01:14:27Well done.
01:14:27I'll see you outside.
01:14:30Anybody at home?
01:14:30I want to settle the bill.
01:14:31Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
01:14:32I didn't hear you.
01:14:33Well, me and the wife were leaving two days earlier.
01:14:35Well, I can't blame you after what's happened.
01:14:37How did you know about that?
01:14:39Uh, telephone.
01:14:41I'll get your bill for you, sir.
01:14:47Mildred?
01:14:54Those two are leaving.
01:14:55Leaving?
01:14:56They can't be leaving.
01:14:57They're not dead.
01:14:59I thought you said they were here the whole weekend.
01:15:01They were.
01:15:02Oh, my God, it's always the same.
01:15:04If you want someone done properly, do them yourself.
01:15:07I'll meet you in the car park.
01:15:22That's him, Mr. Bridges.
01:15:24What, Harry Pinto's hitman?
01:15:26That's the fellow he's hired to kill me.
01:15:28Don't underestimate.
01:15:29He may look like a right nana.
01:15:31That's just part of an act.
01:15:33Underneath.
01:15:34It's pure steel.
01:15:34That's his car.
01:15:36Well, that heap of junk.
01:15:37That's part of the act as well.
01:15:38Who's she?
01:15:40Well, he tries to make out she's his wife.
01:15:41More like an assistant, I reckon.
01:15:43A woman hitman?
01:15:44Ah, yes.
01:15:45It's the Equal Opportunities Act, isn't it?
01:15:48All right, Harvey, after them.
01:15:50Hold on.
01:15:52That's Harry Pinto's car.
01:15:54He must be escorting them.
01:15:56Pretty marvellous.
01:15:58It's time we get all of them, all in one go.
01:16:00Before I'd move it, Harvey, move it.
01:16:21Get the map out, George.
01:16:23What for?
01:16:24I always lose my way around Kensington.
01:16:26I don't need a map to get home from here.
01:16:28You need a map to get home from the bottom of our garden.
01:16:30I'll take the next on the left.
01:16:32Why?
01:16:33It's a shortcut.
01:16:34Oh, God.
01:16:36Manchester, here we come.
01:16:41I'll take the next on the right.
01:16:43George, are you sure you know what you're doing?
01:16:45Trust me, Mildred.
01:16:47No, I know you don't know what you're doing.
01:16:55Where the hell do you think they're going?
01:16:57God knows.
01:16:58I think they've spotted us.
01:17:00Now turn right.
01:17:02They're going back the way they can.
01:17:03Yeah, they must have tumbled us.
01:17:05I'll just make sure you don't lose them.
01:17:06Right.
01:17:13Where do I go now?
01:17:15Uh, uh, left.
01:17:16No, no, right.
01:17:18George!
01:17:18Oh, straight ahead.
01:17:20Right.
01:17:21Admit it, we're lost.
01:17:22Of course we're not.
01:17:23We just don't know where we are.
01:17:26Oh, hey, look.
01:17:27There's Buckingham Palace.
01:17:28So we must be in Oxford Street.
01:17:30That is the Houses of Parliament.
01:17:32Oh, yeah.
01:17:34We got that on a tea towel.
01:17:35Right.
01:17:36Now see if you can find it on the map.
01:17:38I don't need to.
01:17:39It's in our kitchen.
01:17:40George!
01:17:40All right, all right.
01:17:42Keep your eye on the road.
01:17:43Uh, uh, uh, uh, oh, yeah, uh, turn left now.
01:17:46What?
01:17:46Over the bridge.
01:17:48Well, that's the way we came.
01:17:49Eh?
01:17:50No, no.
01:17:51It only looks like it.
01:18:07Right.
01:18:07Now's your chance.
01:18:08Take up on the straight.
01:18:09All right, this is it.
01:18:12Pinto first, then the Morris.
01:18:13I don't recognize this bit.
01:18:15You should have turned left at the last roundabout.
01:18:18Now, you tell me.
01:18:20Keep your eye on the road.
01:18:21Um.
01:18:22But what are you waiting for?
01:18:23Go, Venom.
01:18:25Shut up.
01:18:26Go!
01:18:29They're making a break for it.
01:18:31Move it, Harvey.
01:18:41Open the window, Elvis.
01:18:42Right.
01:18:44Governor.
01:18:46Look.
01:18:53Like all these big Jim Bridges.
01:18:55Get out!
01:19:00What's the matter with him?
01:19:01I mean, if he wants to pass, why doesn't he?
01:19:04He needs his exhaust fix, too.
01:19:05Yeah.
01:19:06Ah, got it.
01:19:07Yeah?
01:19:08Keep going.
01:19:10Keep going.
01:19:34Idiot!
01:19:40Uncle, I want to go out.
01:19:42Shut up.
01:19:43Go on, get him before they get us.
01:19:46Oh, bother.
01:19:47What?
01:19:48He's still behind us.
01:19:49That road hog.
01:19:50You know, the one with the noisy exhaust.
01:19:52Hmm.
01:19:52It would be a nice surprise for the four miles, won't it?
01:19:54Us coming home two days early.
01:19:56The way we're going, it's going to take three days.
01:19:58Well, unless you put your foot down, it's going to take us a week.
01:20:01Right.
01:20:25Is that the... Yes, it is. Oh, hello, Mr. Jacko.
01:20:29And they're solid.
01:20:50Ah, I recognise this bit of road.
01:20:52Yeah?
01:20:52Yeah, this is it.
01:20:54Take the first on the left.
01:20:56Left?
01:20:56Right.
01:21:20Got him.
01:21:22This doesn't need anywhere.
01:21:25What's the matter with you, Mildred?
01:21:26I said take the next on the left.
01:21:27You said right.
01:21:28Yeah, well...
01:21:29When I said right, I meant left, didn't I?
01:21:31Oh, what's it, you?
01:21:31Oh, what?
01:21:38Got them.
01:21:39All of them.
01:21:40The only way out of here is in a hearse.
01:21:42That's odd.
01:21:43What?
01:21:43Those road hogs.
01:21:44They're still behind us.
01:21:46Anyone would think they were following us.
01:21:48Oh, don't be daft.
01:21:49Why should anyone want to follow us?
01:21:51Especially down a dead end like this.
01:21:52Dead end? It's not a dead end, George. Look!
01:22:08Oh, dear.
01:22:10What?
01:22:10Those road hogs.
01:22:11Huh?
01:22:12I think they've had a little accident.
01:22:14Ah, serves them right.
01:22:16The way they were driving, they could have hurt somebody.
01:22:18Yes, let me out!
01:22:20Oh, great!
01:22:21Ah!
01:22:21Ah!
01:22:22Ah!
01:22:22Ah!
01:22:24Get off!
01:22:27This is a funny sort of road, Milton.
01:22:30No shops or houses.
01:22:32Anyone think we're north of Watford?
01:22:34What makes you think we're not?
01:22:41It's true. He's flying low.
01:22:44Air hog!
01:22:47You know what I think, George?
01:22:49What?
01:22:49I think we're going around in ever-decreasing circles
01:22:51and we're going to disappear up our own exhaust pipe.
01:22:54That's silly, Mildred.
01:22:56Convince me, George.
01:22:59I've made the coffee, Geoffrey.
01:23:01What are you doing out here?
01:23:02I was going to do the lawn later, but since Roper borrowed the mower,
01:23:06the blades are jammed with bits of garden gnome.
01:23:08And he cut through the cable.
01:23:10Oh, well, be fair. He did try his best to repair it.
01:23:13Rather funny, really.
01:23:14What's put you in such a good mood?
01:23:1624 hours without Roper.
01:23:18Nobody to throw weeds in my garden.
01:23:19To burn mattresses when we're having a garden party.
01:23:22They'll be away for at least another...
01:23:25Oh, my God.
01:23:27Oh.
01:23:28It can't be.
01:23:29I think it is.
01:23:29No other car sounds quite like that.
01:23:32They must be coming homo.
01:23:34Ropers are back!
01:23:35Run, kids, run!
01:23:40Just in time.
01:23:43Christopher, what have you been doing in Mr Roper's garden?
01:23:46Mainly Mr Roper's concrete gnome.
01:23:47I want to surprise him.
01:23:53I think you'll succeed.
01:23:56Oh, dear.
01:23:59Oh, hello, Anne.
01:24:01Hello, Mr Bormer.
01:24:02We decided to come back early.
01:24:04We gathered.
01:24:05But it's so nice to be back home.
01:24:07Really?
01:24:08For whom?
01:24:09Oh, and how's my darling little treasure?
01:24:12Oh, I'm all right, thank you.
01:24:13Oh.
01:24:16I mended your concrete gnome for you.
01:24:18Oh, thanks.
01:24:20There.
01:24:21You did a great job.
01:24:24Everything all right?
01:24:25I mean, no problems?
01:24:26Oh, no, none.
01:24:27Apart from little piddles there.
01:24:29You mean truffles.
01:24:31I know what I mean.
01:24:32She do, that one of Daddy's old slippers.
01:24:34I wouldn't have minded.
01:24:35My foot was still in it.
01:24:36Oh, dear.
01:24:36And she ate Daddy's steak,
01:24:38so he had to have pedigree, charm and chips.
01:24:39That's a joke, Tristram.
01:24:41Honestly, Mildred, she was no trouble.
01:24:43How was the hotel?
01:24:44Oh, a bit dull.
01:24:45Nothing much happened.
01:24:46Yeah, it was a bit boring.
01:24:48Like a graveyard.
01:24:50Well, thank you for looking after truffles.
01:24:52Oh, don't mention it.
01:24:53We'll be off now.
01:24:54All right, then.
01:24:54Any time you go away, we'll be delighted.
01:24:56Couldn't have put it better myself.
01:25:27Of course, there was the odd moment in the hotel when it was quite a bit exciting.
01:25:35Yes, there was.
01:25:43Mildred, if a person asked a person to, um, do things, but they didn't at the second person age, not
01:25:54the first, even though they didn't do things, they did consider it. I don't think that'd be wrong. Would you?
01:26:04That's what I felt, but I didn't know you knew about it.
01:26:08Oh, yeah, I knew about it, but I didn't know that you knew about it.
01:26:11Well, of course.
01:26:13I must admit, Mildred, it did bring back memories.
01:26:17Distant memories, yes.
01:26:20There was a time when, you know, you and I, we used to do things almost every month.
01:26:27Quite, yes.
01:26:35Mildred.
01:26:37Yes, George.
01:26:40Um, well, I was, I was wondering if, if you were, you know, if you felt, um...
01:26:46Oh, yes.
01:26:48All right.
01:26:49Shall we go then?
01:26:53Oh!
01:26:56I almost forgot.
01:26:57What?
01:26:59The pickled onions.
01:27:05The remnants of it all.
01:27:08Mildred?
01:27:10Oh, er, you?
01:27:13Coming, George.
01:27:17The pictorial New Dalen
01:27:33was cursed at our tennis.
01:27:35The
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