- 4 hours ago
First broadcast 2nd October 1985.
Already put out at having to employ gormless nephew Nigel at the car lot, Arthur's day gets worse when he sells a load of goods to Russian sailor Sergei.
Dennis Waterman - Terry
George Cole - Arthur
Glynn Edwards - Dave
Patrick Malahide - Chisholm
Rula Lenska - Natasha
Joe Melia - Ernie
Michael Gothard - Sergei
Michael Povey - D.C. Jones
Jonathan Warren - Nigel
Tony Caunter - Chief Insp. Norton
Czeslaw Grocholski - Russian Captain
Alexei Jawdokimov - Vladimir
Mitzi Mueller - Lubov
Paul Haley - Police Sergeant
Richard Piper - Micky Coyne
Bill Thomas - Ronnie
April Walker - Bank Teller
Claire Davenport - Nigel's Mum
Peter Majer - 1st Russian Crewman
David Marrick - 2nd Russian Crewman
John Cannon - Winchester Club Patron
Harry Fielder - Ernies Crew
Tony O'Leary - Pub Patron
Terry Sach - Detective
Already put out at having to employ gormless nephew Nigel at the car lot, Arthur's day gets worse when he sells a load of goods to Russian sailor Sergei.
Dennis Waterman - Terry
George Cole - Arthur
Glynn Edwards - Dave
Patrick Malahide - Chisholm
Rula Lenska - Natasha
Joe Melia - Ernie
Michael Gothard - Sergei
Michael Povey - D.C. Jones
Jonathan Warren - Nigel
Tony Caunter - Chief Insp. Norton
Czeslaw Grocholski - Russian Captain
Alexei Jawdokimov - Vladimir
Mitzi Mueller - Lubov
Paul Haley - Police Sergeant
Richard Piper - Micky Coyne
Bill Thomas - Ronnie
April Walker - Bank Teller
Claire Davenport - Nigel's Mum
Peter Majer - 1st Russian Crewman
David Marrick - 2nd Russian Crewman
John Cannon - Winchester Club Patron
Harry Fielder - Ernies Crew
Tony O'Leary - Pub Patron
Terry Sach - Detective
Category
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TVTranscript
00:11All right, comrade?
00:13All right, I'm on a show.
00:18Yes, dear, I know, dear.
00:19But that is no reason that...
00:23Yes, dear, that I can't...
00:25Let me explain, dear.
00:27Yes, dear.
00:29No, dear.
00:31Is something bothering you, John?
00:32Well, no, no, nothing that a skin graft wouldn't put right.
00:34Not with you, John, know what I mean?
00:36Just cut all that John crap, all right?
00:37Now, my name is Terry.
00:39If you have trouble with two syllables, just call me Tell.
00:42Do what?
00:43I mean, what's that going to look like when you're middle-aged, though,
00:45with a couple of kids and a mortgage round your neck?
00:47The only thing I can have round my neck is this, right?
00:50All right, my dear, if you insist.
00:53If you insist.
00:55All right, then, is it, Uncle Arthur?
00:58Do you like that with that?
00:59Nice thing, John, yes?
01:01Don't let the cut.
01:03Just because you are the perverse offspring of her indoor sister
01:06does not make you proper family.
01:07That makes him your nephew, that's proper, innit?
01:09Only because of the peculiar laws of marriage, Terry.
01:11What I mean is there are no actual genes or corpuscles
01:14of the daily blood responsible for this.
01:16You need to be prime minister?
01:18This spectacle of degenerate homo sapien.
01:21Hear, I'm a laugh.
01:21Who are you calling homo?
01:22And do not call me uncle.
01:24I do not want people to think I'm related to you
01:26in any way whatsoever.
01:27We are, aren't we?
01:27I have an image to keep up,
01:29and bald punks is not a part of it.
01:30Skinhead.
01:31What?
01:31Your nephew, Nigel, here, is a skinhead.
01:34Isn't that right, John?
01:35Right, John.
01:35Right, John?
01:36What do you mean?
01:36You see, you've got to get the tribal identification right,
01:38or they'll get the hump.
01:39Right, John?
01:39Oh, yeah, right.
01:40Look, will you two return to planet Earth
01:42and tell me what you are talking about?
01:44The thing is, have I got a job or what?
02:06You can start by cleaning that lot.
02:08I don't want to wash motors, do I?
02:11Terry, will you try and communicate with him,
02:13because I'm finding it very difficult.
02:15It's all part of your new employment duties, Nigel.
02:18Why can't I be a car salesman or something?
02:20A shaven head, dangerous and threatening footwear,
02:23and a swastika ramped between its minces.
02:25I am running a service industry here.
02:27I deal with the public who wear normal clobber.
02:29Confronted by you, I couldn't even give them free meals.
02:32Am I right or am I right?
02:33Right, John.
02:50See you again.
02:51I know.
02:55Terry, show Nigel where the necessary cleaning things are, will you?
02:59Just behind the door on the right there.
03:00I know that, I know that, but he doesn't.
03:02Tell him.
03:03Why don't we have a tea break or something first?
03:04Look, Nigel, let's get one thing clear from the off.
03:07Your mother has intervened with her indoors in the hope that I can,
03:11in some unfathomable way, help you to become a normal human being.
03:14Nothing wrong with me, right, sir?
03:16Right, and I'd try.
03:18Personally, I am of the opinion that such a transformation
03:20will take many years of deep therapy in a top security institution.
03:24See...
03:25As a personal favour to your mother,
03:26and in spite of terrible feelings of foreboding,
03:29I am willing to give you a chance to earn what will undoubtedly be
03:32the only honest crust you'll ever earn in your miserable life.
03:37What's he on about, Tell?
03:38Don't know, Nigel.
03:40Still, look on the bright side of it.
03:41He could like you, then you'd really be in trouble.
03:43You are on a week's probation.
03:45Any loon in about, and you're on your bike with your cards. Got it?
03:48All right for so, Uncle Arthur.
03:52So, what are you telling me?
03:54I'm simply suggesting, Captain, that I think it would be ill-advised.
03:58I am the Captain, and I will decide it.
04:00What is or isn't ill-advised.
04:04Tavarish Natasha Grigorovna-Yushkova.
04:13John?
04:14Morning, my mother.
04:15Good grief.
04:17You looking for someone or something, Mr Chisholm?
04:20How about you, John?
04:21One new motor?
04:23Who or what is that?
04:26That is family.
04:28Family?
04:29That is Arthur's nephew.
04:31And now an employee of Daily Enterprises.
04:34Daily Enterprises.
04:36Ian, is he?
04:38Arthur?
04:38Nah.
04:39Don't mind if I seriously doubt your word, do you?
04:41You'd be disappointed if you didn't.
04:44Say where he'd be?
04:46No.
04:46Say when he'd be back?
04:47No.
04:48What was a minor detailed information, eh, McCann?
04:52Yeah.
04:53Got the time, have you?
04:55Yes, thank you.
04:57Interesting kettle, Terrence.
04:59Oh, do you like it?
05:00Had it long, have you?
05:01Well, three years, yeah.
05:03And of course you've got a receipt.
05:04Leave off, Mr Chisholm.
05:06Yeah, right.
05:07Got it.
05:07Old Bill John, right?
05:09Right.
05:10Yeah, listen, right.
05:10I was fitting to join in the force, right?
05:12I mean, dead Andy with the boots, didn't I?
05:14What do you reckon?
05:15I'm trying to take the piss, are we, Sonny?
05:18Nah, I mean it, don't I?
05:19I'd love it, wouldn't I, right?
05:24Serious?
05:25Well, right, right.
05:28What a boil on the backside of humanity.
05:31Aye.
05:31Would have thought that Arthur'd have a skinhead for a nephew, eh?
05:34Let me enlighten you, Jones.
05:36Almost any antisocial misfit is a candidate for Daly's,
05:39kith, kin and companions.
05:41I mean, I can cop the odd bit of gear, Arthur, obviously.
05:43But this case is on about boat buying.
05:45Know what I mean?
05:46A real proper Russian, you mean.
05:49Oh, say what?
05:50I mean, that's the same as you and me.
05:52The man's a punter.
05:53What's the difference?
05:53Well, I don't have to tell you, Ernie, you know,
05:55a lot of my gear has the sort of pedigree
05:57that wouldn't stand too much scrutiny, official-wise.
06:00You know what I mean?
06:02No, of course I don't.
06:03Here you go.
06:04Oh, I forgot to tell you, Arthur.
06:06Chisholm was asking after you to start her down.
06:08Chisholm?
06:08Yeah.
06:09You say what?
06:11No, no, he wouldn't, would he?
06:12Just sniffing around, you know,
06:13where would you be at that time?
06:14Would you be here this evening?
06:15That sort of stupid thing.
06:17Who's this Chisholm, then?
06:19Local plod.
06:20Gives me more than enough aggravation, I can tell you.
06:22Oh, yeah?
06:23Yeah, and I'm not sure I want to encourage any more
06:25by knocking out gear to Russian Matalos.
06:27I mean, they have a different system to ours
06:28if it all goes boss-eyed.
06:30So bash on the bonds down a dark alley at night
06:32and off you go.
06:33Salt mines and archie pegalos.
06:34Not very nice at all.
06:35Oh, turn it in, Arthur.
06:37I'm talking about an ordinary seaman
06:38off an ordinary cargo ship.
06:40We're always knocking out bits and pieces
06:42to them down the docks.
06:43I've been for yonks.
06:44Oh, I don't know, Ernie, I don't know.
06:45Listen, I'm not trying to get a drink out of it.
06:47That's what's bothering you.
06:47No, no, no, no.
06:48I was trying to do you a favour.
06:49Yeah, I appreciate it, Ernie.
06:50I appreciate it.
06:51In that case, I won't say no
06:52if you do put me in, will I?
06:54Oh, Dave, Ernie will look after this.
06:59Cash customer, eh?
07:00What's a point of interest?
07:01What sort of gear is this Soviet citizen interested in?
07:05Well, um, they're very big on quartz watches.
07:13All right, tell me.
07:14Hello, Mickey.
07:14What are you doing round here?
07:15What, in the sea after, is he about?
07:17No, I think he's gone to see his accountant this morning.
07:19Do you want me to give him a message?
07:20Well, I've got these samples he was asking about.
07:23If he's interested, tell him to give me a bell, all right?
07:25Yeah, all right, yeah.
07:27Hello, John.
07:28One new motor.
07:29Oh, er, this is Nigel.
07:32Arthur's nephew.
07:33Is he kidding?
07:35No.
07:38Why did you leave it at a car lot?
07:40I forgot it, that's all.
07:41Oh.
07:42Well, I sent Nigel back for it.
07:44You let that airless oaf have the key to the office?
07:46Eh, it's all right.
07:48It is not all right.
07:49Who knows what he might damage or disturb or thieve?
07:51But Arthur, he is family.
07:53I mean, how could he do a thing like that, eh?
07:56Anyway, what's in the parcel?
07:58Samples for kettles.
08:00Quartz.
08:01At the quarts of the price.
08:04Yeah, well, coming from Mickey Coyne, they've got to be hooky, haven't they?
08:06Why?
08:07It was a right two-leaf eaters.
08:08Oh, look, just because a man's been fitted by plot a couple of times doesn't mean he's
08:11at it.
08:12He is an honest entrepreneur, like me.
08:15Exactly.
08:17You know Chisholm was round the car lot, don't you?
08:19Yeah, yeah.
08:19And Dave said he was round the Winchester, too.
08:22I wonder what he's after.
08:23Eh.
08:24Dodgy digitals, probably.
08:26What makes you say that?
08:27Well, he took more than a passing interest in mine.
08:29Yeah, but that's not.
08:29No, I know this isn't.
08:31But it don't take the brains of Lloyd George to work it out, does it, eh?
08:34Work what out, McCann?
08:36A two and two are four.
08:38Or if it's dodgy, it's got to be daily.
08:41I wonder what you're trying to imply, Mr Chisholm.
08:43No implication, Arthur.
08:44Simple statement of fact.
08:46I would like to point out to you that that is the sort of litigious remark that my lawyer
08:51would be only too happy to pursue.
08:54There is nothing dodgy about me or my stock.
08:57Then you won't mind us having a look round, will you?
08:59Ask him, Terry, will you?
09:02Have you got a warrant?
09:04Tell him, will you, Jones?
09:06Warren's had a time-consuming formality, Arthur.
09:09We simply tell any magistrate any damn thing we like,
09:12and they'll sign on the dotted, no question.
09:15We know it, you know it, everybody knows it.
09:19So why should we bother, eh?
09:23Particularly when it's someone as patently dodgy as you.
09:26Well, when it's put like that, it does have a certain forceful logic about it.
09:30Yeah, thank you for pointing that out to me, Terry, yes.
09:32Yes, it does, doesn't it?
09:59I suppose there's no point in asking exactly what it is you're looking for, Mr Chisholm.
10:03Bless the little Arthur, none at all.
10:06Oh, dear, oh, dear.
10:07Uncalled for, Mr Chisholm, uncalled for.
10:09I should have a word with your suppliers.
10:11Red puff.
10:12Oh, very good, James.
10:13Lovely way to earn a living, isn't it?
10:14Invading people's privacy, searching their premises, vandalising it.
10:21Nigel?
10:22Now, I should have a look over there.
10:31Who gave you from the shippers like that?
10:33Come on, get up, get up.
10:34Don't mention a parcel.
10:36Come on, Alf, turn it off.
10:38Terry, get this back to the car lot, will you?
10:40I want a word with you inside.
10:41Sorry about this, Mr Chisholm.
10:43One of Mother Nature's genetic freaks.
10:45Stop right there, Dany.
10:50Oh, yes.
10:52I can see the family likeness.
10:54Oi!
10:56Something wrong, Mr Chisholm?
10:58Something certainly smells wrong.
11:00I know, I keep talking to him about personal hygiene,
11:02but you don't listen to a word I say.
11:10Right, if I can, let's see the boot.
11:12Jones?
11:20Yours?
11:21Part of my stock, certainly, yes.
11:23Got a licence, has it?
11:24Of course I have, ain't I?
11:26Oh, a minute.
11:28How do you stand it, Taff?
11:30Celtic willpower.
11:32Under morbid fear of unemployment.
11:38I don't know, Mr Chisholm, violence and villainy running amuck on our streets, and all he will find time for
11:43is to harass the innocent.
11:45I want you, Alan and Nick.
11:47Driving licence, documents, and the insurance.
11:51Nevertheless, considering the dismal clear-up rate by the Met in this great city of Ars, I suppose...
11:58Spare wheel and jack.
12:00That's all, Gareth.
12:00I hate a disappointment.
12:03Don't you?
12:05Jones?
12:21My friend!
12:25you have something for me yes could be comrade could be what are you drinking vodka whiskey
12:31your vodka is like a piss water large scotch average we do some business and i will give
12:38you both real russian vodka and remember terry diplomacy is of the essence diplomacy what are
12:44you talking about we are dealing with a citizen of the soviet socialist republic your actual
12:49communist but not only that he's a foreigner what's that got to do with it what's that got
12:53terry we are in effect ambassadors for our country ambassadors and as such we must conduct our
12:59business in a proper english way and what's that sympathy and understanding for the oppressed
13:04citizen of foreign parts but remain sure and firm in our capitalistic ideal like ripping the punter
13:11off for every ruble you can get hey that ideal hey listen what you're going to tell chisholm
13:15that nigel was family for chisholm of all people just wanted to impress him impress him not even
13:22vaguely funny terry i should have to put up with jibes about my kith and kin for the next 10
13:26years
13:27which is just about what you're going to get if you're captured selling ooky watches to the russians
13:31i told you they are not ooky oh no well what about all out of the car lot with chisholm
13:35then i was
13:36simply trying to protect nigel from a confrontation with the forces of law and order they have a very
13:40strong bias against the youth of this country the boy's obviously simple in the head he could have
13:44said anything you're lovely you're here we are
14:04listen any sign of the kgb moving in you'll give him a right hand they'll give me time to leg
14:08it
14:08oh i see yeah yeah diplomacy eh yeah ambassadors of our country huh bullshitt
14:17i like right we got a deal then three dozen at the aforementioned price a deal i can let you
14:23have
14:23these and the tracksuits but more or less immediately comprende vous comprende vous the case is russian
14:29terry am i communicating with a man or am i communicating with him you savvy don't you sergey
14:34i don't need lessons in linguals there is a common language that we all understand who work in
14:38international trade for gold help us sorry about that comrade but uh you you understand about
14:43peasants don't you he has good sense of humor this friend of yours i like he likes you we do
14:50good
14:50business terrific let's all have another drink on the strength of it eh oh and don't worry about the
14:55emotive thingies i believe i have the genuine similar american article stars and stripes yes
15:00oh you'll guarantee to get struck by him and uh how's the salt market over there by the way oh
15:06i like
15:08i wonder what he's bought this time perhaps we should ask the captain last time our comrade sergey
15:19got me some very nice degenerate underwear i will show you if you like vladimir
15:27how's the naivine
15:45karelevu
15:52karelevu
15:53Oh, by the way, I was checking the conversion rate of the ruble vis-a-vis the pound sterling
16:03in the Financial Times, 95p, I believe.
16:06Yeah, what you might call the quid pro copac, eh?
16:08Please, Terry, we're trying to talk global currency exchange.
16:13We do not want to instigate a diplomatic incident because of a misunderstanding about the proper
16:17Redis, comrade, right?
16:18Yes, yes.
16:20Sergei Zhukovsky.
16:24Why are you not with the rest of the crew?
16:27What's the point in learning English, comrade, if I'm restricted from promoting the cause
16:31to the exploited working classes of the West?
16:34Absolutely, absolutely.
16:35You can introduce us or what?
16:37Okay, Terry is...
16:39I'm Natasha Gregorevna Yushkok.
16:41I'm pleased to meet you, Terry.
16:42I am the bosun on the Yushchenko.
16:45Bosun?
16:45You?
16:46You can't be a bosun, you're...
16:47You are surprised because I am a woman, yes?
16:49In Russia, women often do jobs like this.
16:52Uh, Terry, I, uh, I think we ought to be on our way.
16:54Arthur?
16:55Oi, where's your manners?
16:57What's all that about diplomacy, eh?
16:58Ambassadors of our country.
17:00But, let me introduce you.
17:01This, Natasha?
17:02Yes?
17:03Natasha, this is Arthur.
17:05And this is Ernie.
17:07How did it all happen?
17:08Yeah, they're workers of the world, unite them.
17:10All right, honey.
17:11Listen, listen, I've got to ask you.
17:13There's something I've always wanted to ask.
17:14A lady bosun of a ship.
17:16Look.
17:16Look, look, come over here.
17:18Come here.
17:18Come here.
17:18Go on.
17:20Terry.
17:23Here, uh...
17:24Is she really the bosun?
17:26Yes, dada.
17:27She's also a party member and ship's political officer.
17:30Political?
17:31Yeah.
17:35KGB, leave off.
17:37Well, political officer, it's the same thing, isn't it?
17:39What, cloak and dagger, you mean, eh?
17:41Funny big hats, poisoned umbrellas, all that.
17:43It's all very well to mock my son, but when it comes to the way the Ruskies operate, I have
17:47read all my Len Dayton, and I've listened to all Ronnie Regan's speeches.
17:51And seen too many James Bond films.
17:53Hey, you didn't mention to her about that bit of business I'd done with that Sergi geezer, did you?
17:57You?
17:57No, no, no.
17:59No, we, uh, traded in more important information.
18:02More important what?
18:03What?
18:04Well, vital statistics, that sort of thing, you know.
18:07Oh, very droll, Terry, very droll.
18:10Hey, keep your eye open for a chemist, will you?
18:11I'm going to get some corn plasters.
18:13Corn plasters?
18:15That's well out of order, Uncle Arthur, well out of order.
18:17Why have I got to wear this?
18:18Because it offends my sensibilities, and I told you not to call me uncle.
18:22I ain't got to walk down the road.
18:22You, you remove that, and you remove yourself from my employ, understand?
18:27People wouldn't laugh, wouldn't they?
18:28Well, it's better than reeling back in horror and disgust.
18:30Yeah, come on, get on with sewing on these motive thingies.
18:32The man's waiting for delivery.
18:33I made a right rick it telling you I did sewing in a bleeding detention centre, didn't I?
18:37Well, never mind about that, just treadle the pedal.
18:40Yeah, but for the sort of money you're asking off of Arthur, they've either got to be snide or bent,
18:44haven't they?
18:45Well, does it matter?
18:46It does with Chisholm, making himself busy, yeah.
18:48Don't worry about him.
18:49He's just done his rounds, trying to get lucky.
18:53All right, Ronnie.
18:54I'll take your word for it that you don't actually know who stole the watchers.
18:58But you do know who's punting them, don't you?
19:01I only know what I get told, Mr Jones.
19:03And that's why people like myself.
19:05I mean, let's have it right.
19:06No arf-fruit villain's gonna whisper any heavy stuff in my ear, are they?
19:11This is your bottomless pit of information, is it?
19:14Deep gob.
19:16Your own personal direct line to the activities of the manor's major villains.
19:20Look, Gavin.
19:21The quality of grassing isn't what it used to be.
19:24What with the judges giving them porridge these days?
19:32A name, you low-life.
19:35There are only gas meters outstanding on our looks.
19:37We'll be fitting you nicely, if you take my meaning.
19:42Another cup of tea, love, please.
19:44It's lovely, isn't it?
19:45I mean, just try and give a bit of help.
20:03How's it going, then?
20:04Finished, didn't I?
20:05Oh, very good.
20:07There may be a glimmer of hope for you yet, my son.
20:09Well, I folded and stuck them in a box, like what you said.
20:11Oh, lovely, lovely.
20:11Terry, have you got any Duke of York?
20:13Oh, and get me them walkman fingers, will you?
20:15Get me the lid of the box, will you, Nigel?
20:18There you go.
20:20It's all.
20:29Yeah, very subtle, Arthur.
20:31Very subtle.
20:33Put them in there.
20:44Oi!
20:45Check it away, Tchovarich!
21:00More overpriced Western merchandise for our new petite bourgeois, eh, Tchovarich?
21:06Hey, Capitan.
21:07Even the party must eventually give way to Capitan's market forces, eh?
21:10There are the market forces, Sergei Tchovsky.
21:14Or at least their offspring are.
21:17No, Capitan.
21:19Not like you?
21:20What?
21:21Parting with the goods before you've seen the reddies.
21:23Oh, Ernie's on a drink for delivery and collection.
21:25I've known him for years.
21:26You wouldn't turn me over, would you, Ernie?
21:28All done.
21:29Large scotch.
21:30What else?
21:30Large scotch, but he's there paid on no bother.
21:32It is broke soaps in a couple of days.
21:34Arthur, what he'd really like to get hold of is a cocktail of trainers.
21:37You know, those with the stripes down there.
21:39Keeps going on about Adidaski's.
21:40No trouble.
21:41What, sir?
21:41That's the dough, isn't it?
21:43Are you sure?
21:43That's not what we agreed, is it?
21:44What's the problem?
21:45Nothing's wrong.
21:45It's the dough.
21:46But it ain't sterling, is it?
21:47Of course it's not.
21:48It's rubles, isn't it?
21:48Rubles?
21:49What are bloody good rubles to me?
21:51Don't get in a flap, Arthur.
21:52Just change it to bank.
21:53You know, like any currency.
21:55But how do I know that is the right amount?
21:5795 pence of rubles, that's what you said.
21:59We worked it out from there.
22:01I mean, money's money, isn't it?
22:03Yeah, I suppose so.
22:05What's the matter?
22:07But, but, I don't understand.
22:09Would you, that is, do you mind repeating that?
22:12It's forbidden currency, Mr. Daly.
22:15Forbidden currency?
22:15But I have an account here.
22:17They can't forbid it.
22:18It's mine.
22:19I want to see the manager.
22:20He'll only tell you what I'm telling you.
22:22There are certain currencies that we don't recognise, and Russia is one of them.
22:27But, but, I've, I've, I've...
22:29You've been turned over, haven't you?
22:30No, I have not.
22:31That is not faintly amusing, Terry.
22:33It would, please, don't go away.
22:34Look, what we are talking about here is one and a half grand in my capital.
22:38And what is my whack?
22:39Moscow Monopoly money.
22:41Yes.
22:41No, no.
22:42Look, are these or are they not genuine bank votes?
22:45Well, they appear to be genuine rubles, yes.
22:47And does this country conduct business with Russia?
22:50I understand what you're saying, Mr. Daly.
22:53But that is conducted more on an exchange basis.
22:56Our goods for theirs, you know.
22:57I'm afraid we simply do not exchange actual sterling for rubles.
23:04Unless...
23:04What, what?
23:05Well, you could try going to the foreign desk of our main branch
23:10and asking if they would accept the money on a collection basis.
23:14Collection basis?
23:15What's that?
23:15Well, briefly, it simply means that the bank sends the cash, in this case your rubles,
23:21to a Russian bank in the hope that they will return the equivalent amount in sterling.
23:27In the hope?
23:29Sometimes they're cooperative and sometimes not.
23:31Well, it's sort of potluck, really.
23:34Potluck in a bank?
23:36Theirs, not ours.
23:37Hardly the British way, is it?
23:39No, it is not.
23:39No, I don't know.
23:40They have their little idiosyncrasies.
23:43And if that isn't enough, this bird at the bank tells me that Soviet officials can get very curious
23:48about how large lumps of their currency have ended up in democratic hands, if you see what I mean.
23:53Well, crying a half in rubles is hardly the sort of small change you bring back from holiday over there,
23:58is it?
23:58Exactly.
23:59A man in my position could end up in a web of international intrigue with God knows what plots of
24:05red revenge on my person.
24:06Yeah, I can see that, Arthur.
24:09I am serious, Dave.
24:11Of course you are.
24:12Yeah, well, and that isn't to mention the unhealthy interests will be taken in me by our own, you know,
24:19secret service.
24:21MI5.
24:23The professionals.
24:25There are other clubs I can spend my hard on, you know, Dave.
24:29Not if it's rubles, are they?
24:30Oh, I can't believe it's a dining room.
24:39Hello.
24:40Hello, Terry.
24:42How'd you find me?
24:43I mean, oh, no, sorry, sorry.
24:45Come in.
24:46Yeah, straighten it.
24:47There you go.
24:53So, how'd you find me?
24:55You gave me your phone number, remember?
24:57Oh, come on, sit down, make yourself at home.
25:01Yeah, but I'm not listed in a book or anything.
25:03Oh, that was no problem.
25:04Our embassy is very efficient in these matters.
25:07Ember?
25:08Oh, dear.
25:09I don't know whether to be worried or flattered.
25:12Why didn't you just ring me?
25:13I wanted to surprise you.
25:16Well, you did, yeah.
25:18Listen, what'd you drink, eh?
25:19Have you got a Zubrovka?
25:21Pardon?
25:22She wants to know what?
25:24If you happen to know where Sergei is.
25:26What, the Russian metal, though, that I, um...
25:28Yeah, that's the one, yeah.
25:29You know, the bloke we had a chat with in the pub with Ernie.
25:31Well, why should I know where the...
25:34Something's not happened, has it?
25:36Nothing's come on top, has it?
25:37No, no, I don't think so, no.
25:39Terry, the tone of your voice does not give me confidence.
25:43Well, the truth is that they, I mean, that's the bosun.
25:47You remember, Natasha.
25:49She thinks that the geezer has defected.
25:52Oh, my good God.
25:53And the Ruskies have stuck my name in the frame, eh?
25:56They think that I...
25:56I mean, you...
25:58Is she still there?
26:01Yeah, yeah.
26:02Alone?
26:03No, I'm with her.
26:04Terry, please.
26:05This could be very dodgy indeed.
26:07Well, er, it did cross my mind, Arthur.
26:11Listen.
26:13Don't mention my name on the phone.
26:16You never know who might be earwigging.
26:18A little firm under Chelsea barracks in a KDP can plug in at any trumpet they like.
26:22Oh, my God, what would this hand of rubles?
26:25I'll tell you what, do you want to talk to her?
26:26Talk to her?
26:27What, are you going potty or something?
26:30Hello?
26:31This is Natasha Grigorev-Nayushko.
26:33Oh, God.
26:34Oh, hello, hello.
26:36I was just, um...
26:38I would like to talk to you about Sergei Zhukovsky, the seaman from the Ushenko, who you were talking
26:43to with your friend Terry in the public house where we also met.
26:47Oh, yeah, yes, yes, I do vaguely remember.
26:50I was just explaining to my comrade.
26:53I don't think I can help you there.
26:54It was, uh, just a brief encounter, a chance meeting, grafters of the world exchanging words
27:01of mutual understanding, so to speak.
27:03I do not think that is all you exchanged, Mr. Daly.
27:07Ah, ha, ha.
27:07You know my name.
27:09I think maybe we should meet and have a little talk.
27:12Sergeant Chisholm.
27:14Yeah, right, yeah.
27:14Asked me to come down personal-like, didn't he?
27:17What's it about?
27:18I've got some information for him, haven't I?
27:20Information?
27:20Yeah, information.
27:21Know what I mean, John?
27:23I'll see if he's here.
27:24Here, John.
27:27It's sergeant to you.
27:29Oh, yeah, right.
27:30Listen, are you allowed to wear what sort of boots you like in this job?
27:39Say again, my drug?
27:40I'm going to take you up west.
27:43Up the west, yes.
27:45Up the west!
27:46No, no, no, no, no, not up the west.
27:49Up west.
27:50West end.
27:51You know, er, er...
27:52Show you the sights.
27:53Oh, the other half lives.
27:55You know what I mean.
27:56I like you.
27:57You're a good man.
27:58We do good business, eh?
27:59You help me, yes.
28:01Yeah, yeah.
28:02Come on up west!
28:09Well, what is it?
28:10What is what?
28:11What do you want?
28:13Oh, yeah, I'm here, aren't I?
28:15So?
28:16With me documents, like you said.
28:18You're supposed to produce them to him.
28:21You said to produce them personal, like?
28:22Yes, to the uniformed officer on duty.
28:26Cretty.
28:27Oh.
28:28I was asking him about the boots.
28:33Boots?
28:34Well, if I do decide to join the force, right, I want to go in with DMs, right?
28:38People respect them.
28:39You know what I mean?
28:42Sergeant, I want this loud arrested.
28:44Now.
28:44Here, old duck, John.
28:46What am I supposed to arrest him for?
28:48Wasting police time, carrying offensive mouth.
28:50Does it matter?
28:51Leave it out, John.
28:52Leave it out.
28:53I'm not sure about this, John.
29:02This way.
29:03Say, right, right?
29:05Resisting arrest.
29:06Leave it out.
29:06Assaulting a police officer.
29:08Foul and abusive language in a public place.
29:10Do you want any more?
29:12I want me lawyer.
29:13Where's my uncle?
29:21Yes.
29:35I've got him here with me.
29:37Where?
29:38Where is he with you?
29:39Oh.
29:40We're in a phone box up west.
29:42We've shown him round Soho, haven't I?
29:44Oh, that's nice, isn't it?
29:45The man stripes me for one and a half grand.
29:47I've got the KGB on my Gregory, and you're schlepping him round Soho.
29:50Stripe?
29:51KGB?
29:52Hey, what are you on about?
29:54What am I on about?
29:55I'll tell you what I'm on about.
29:57But do you think he will come?
29:58Oh, yeah, yeah.
29:59Well, he said he would, didn't he?
30:00Yeah.
30:01This is a serious matter.
30:03It might be serious to you, but Arthur and I don't know anything about your missing sailor.
30:08But you are his contacts.
30:09You are the ones he was friendly with.
30:11Contacts?
30:12Chance meeting in a pub?
30:13You've got to be kidding.
30:15Kidding?
30:17Yeah, joking.
30:18Um, not serious.
30:20Oh, no, no.
30:21No, no, I do not joke about this.
30:24I also know that you sold him various articles.
30:27No, no, no.
30:28Not us.
30:29No.
30:30Terry, it is common knowledge on board the ship that Sergei Zhukovsky buys Western goods
30:34and sells them at home for exorbitant prices.
30:36But I thought all you Russian visitors did that.
30:39He exploits his comrades and betrays the principles of communism.
30:44Oh, you do take things seriously, don't you?
30:47Don't you ever let your hair down?
30:50But I have let my hair down.
30:51No.
30:52No, no.
30:53What I mean is relax, you know.
30:54Have a good time.
30:55Have a giggle.
30:56Yes, of course.
30:58When my work is done.
31:02Here, do I have a drink?
31:03Yeah, of course you don't come.
31:04How long will it be before he comes?
31:07Not long enough.
31:11How long are you going to keep him dubbed up then, Gov?
31:13Long enough.
31:15Then we'll have a little chat to him about his Uncle Arthur.
31:22Um, what's that?
31:24Don't show your ignorance, Terry.
31:25This is a chapka.
31:26The people's popular headgear of our Soviet friends.
31:29Oh, friends is it now.
31:30I see.
31:31From the right of Regan to the left of Lenin in one fast swoop.
31:34Terrific.
31:34Is she here still?
31:36Yeah, yeah, yeah.
31:37Well, I think the time has come for some delicate international negotiations in the art of detente.
31:42Well, sounds very impressive.
31:43What's it mean?
31:44A slippery Slav in return for my sterling.
31:48Better come in then, eh?
31:49Okay.
31:50Keep it under your chapka.
31:55See, the thing is, Conrad, there's no way I could take you home to my place.
31:59My wife would go potty.
32:01She's got this thing about foreigners, you see.
32:04I must report to the authorities.
32:06Ask for political asking.
32:08Asylum.
32:09No, no, no.
32:10No, no, no.
32:10Not yet, anyway.
32:11Listen, let's see Arthur first.
32:13He'll help you out.
32:14Don't worry.
32:15That's why I rang him.
32:16Sold the earth, ain't he?
32:17My friend Arthur.
32:18Dover, yes?
32:19Get a car.
32:20Get a taxi.
32:22First, we have another drink.
32:28No, no.
32:29You misunderstand, my dear.
32:30I do not know where your shipmate is.
32:32I'm simply offering what assistance I can as a sympathetic citizen who has cast his vote
32:37for socialism all his working life.
32:40I do not think I believe you.
32:42It's true.
32:42I swear it.
32:43Clement, Harold, Jim, I campaigned for all of them in their time.
32:47You tell her.
32:48No, no, no.
32:49Look, Natasha means she doesn't believe that you don't know where her shipmate is.
32:53Oh, I'm from working stock myself, my dear.
32:55I'm a man of honour.
32:56I couldn't tell Porky's to me own.
33:01But how can you help me if you do not know where he is?
33:05Oh, modesty forbids, my dear, but I'm not exactly unknown in the underworld.
33:09I'm an underground movement in this city.
33:11I have many contacts, and that is why it is vital that this should be our little secret
33:15between us.
33:16We don't want to bring in the authorities.
33:18No.
33:18That could be very embarrassing for all of us, Mr. Daly.
33:22Yeah, yeah, I suppose discretion is the...
33:25Pardon me asking, comrade, but how come you know my name?
33:29Is that so important?
33:30No, no, no, no, no.
33:32Oh, there is one other little thing.
33:34No?
33:35What is that?
33:36Well, I don't have to tell you, my dear, that unfortunately this is a wicked capitalistic capital,
33:42and as such, a quest of this nature will incur heavy expenses.
33:47In pounds sterling, I hasten to add.
33:49Leave it out, Arthur.
33:51I'm afraid we cannot possibly pay you for this, Mr. Daly.
33:55Arthur, call me Arthur.
33:57I'd rather not, Mr. Daly.
34:02Perhaps we should call in the authorities in this little matter.
34:05Um, no, no, no, no.
34:08Look, Natasha, look, Arthur didn't mean that he would want any payment or anything like that,
34:14did you?
34:14No, no, no, no, no.
34:15Whatever gave you that impression?
34:17No, no, I will bear the brunt of the financial burden, have no fear, as long as we're agreed
34:21that we keep out the heavy mob.
34:23A heavy mob?
34:24Plod.
34:26What is this?
34:27The police.
34:28The private army of the establishment.
34:31And your lot with the furry overcoats and the dodgy brollies.
34:34I think he means the KGB.
34:37Yes, I understand your nervousness in this matter.
34:59Oh, I'll tell you what, I joined the party to get hold of that.
35:02Yeah, because you keep stum now.
35:04Well, I don't know, I mean, you're the expert in how the Ruskies think, aren't you?
35:09Well, where is he then?
35:11Where is who?
35:13Arthur, you're talking to me, remember?
35:15He's with Ernie.
35:16Where?
35:17I get.
35:18What a place for a meet, eh?
35:20Oh, yeah.
35:21Full marks to call.
35:22Oh, very good, Terry, very good.
35:24But this is ridiculous.
35:25Why?
35:26Well, why can't we meet in a nice warm boozer or something, eh?
35:29Because if any of the odd lot dissent are claimless, we can deny all knowledge of a defector.
35:33We simply say we're showing Comrade Sergei the resting place of the father of the revolution.
35:38Well, yeah, that'd convince them, wouldn't it?
35:41Well, I don't know if you've noticed or not, but Ernie and the Russian Patriot ain't here,
35:44are they?
35:44No, they should have been here before us.
35:47Probably been captured and getting the old treatment now.
35:49What treatment?
35:50Well, you know, the electric probes on the nuts, all that sort of stuff.
35:53Terry, please, I hate that sort of imagery.
35:55Yeah, I'm not angry about you.
35:57I don't know what you expected of the game from the meat anyway.
35:59Well, the man turned me over for one and a half grand.
36:02I bet he didn't think that.
36:04Listen, that was real money to him, wasn't it?
36:05He could take that back to Mother Russia and buy whatever he wanted with it.
36:08Yeah, but look, if I can't have the proper English readies, I want my gear back.
36:12And how am I going to get that if he defects and leaves all my goods on a boat bound
36:15for the Baltic?
36:16So what's the plot then, eh?
36:18Well, what are you going to do, grass him to Natasha so she can get a couple of heavies from
36:21the Russian embassy
36:21to swag him back against his will, eh?
36:23I am not a grass, Terry.
36:25I just want the man to honour his deal.
36:29That's all.
36:31I mean, he can go back on board and say he's been bunned by a running dog, capitalist hooligan,
36:35and woke up unconscious in a park or something like that.
36:38Yeah, then what?
36:39Well, then he can slip my goods to Ernie on the dockside.
36:41Then as far as I can discern, he can jump overboard and swim wherever he wants to.
36:45Don't talk so much rubbish, Gordon.
36:47Look, do you think they're going to let him off the ship once he goes back on it?
36:50Why not?
36:50Why don't they take it very seriously when one of their citizens scarp us?
36:54Oh, expert on defecting Russians now, aren't we?
37:02Dave!
37:02Dave!
37:03You two are well, Vincent, aren't you?
37:05Dave, Dave, I want you to meet, I want you to meet, er...
37:07I forgot your bleeding name, and I...
37:10Serge...
37:11Serge...
37:13Sergei Zhuk!
37:18Oh, gosh.
37:22He's Russian.
37:23I'd hope to see him going slow, then.
37:25Yeah, yeah.
37:26Look, I was supposed to meet up with Arthur.
37:29Got a bit sidetracked.
37:30He's not in here, is he?
37:30No, Arthur ain't here.
37:31No offence, Ernie, but don't ask me to serve you and your pal any more booze, eh?
37:36Point taken, point taken, Dave.
37:37Just one thing, I've got a bit of a problem.
37:40I can see that.
37:40No, no, no, it's not that.
37:41It's him, you see.
37:42It's him.
37:43I've got to get...
37:45I'm going to be sick.
37:52I've really got to try and get myself a better class of clientele.
37:57And there's another thing you don't know.
37:58Yeah, what's that?
37:59When these defectors flop themselves in the West, they have to undergo interrogation by experts
38:04in psychotherapy warfare to make sure they are not double agents.
38:08Double agents?
38:08What are you talking about?
38:10Arthur, the man is a second stoker or something on a merchant ship.
38:13He's just a hustler like you and me.
38:14It just shows how little you know about the netherworld of Smiley's people.
38:18So even if you're right, and I'm not saying it's not a possibility, he would still have
38:22to undergo the interrogation.
38:24They all break down in the end.
38:26Confess all.
38:28But Arthur, he's got nothing to tell them, has he?
38:30What about that little bit of business we've done with him?
38:32Oh, you, Arthur.
38:33You done with him.
38:34Oh, I see you're no longer on the firm.
38:35I'm innocent, officer.
38:37It was him.
38:37Arthur Daly.
38:38Nick him.
38:39Is that what you're saying?
38:41Pardon?
38:42You heard.
38:54Nigel, why aren't he cleaning the cars?
38:56What?
38:58What are you doing?
38:59If there's one missing, I'll kill him.
39:02You get that, will you?
39:03Yeah, hold on.
39:16Give an utterance, has it?
39:18The odd Neanderthal grunt.
39:21That is all, man.
39:23Hmm.
39:36You don't like being locked up, do you, lad?
39:40Well, I ain't done nothing, right?
39:43I want me younger Arthur here.
39:45So do I.
39:47Yeah, well, ah, it's Dave.
39:51Dave?
39:52What's he want?
39:54I think I'll let him tell you that.
39:56Dave?
39:58Dave?
40:06I think perhaps now we should contact our people at the embassy, Captain.
40:11We can handle this ourselves, without their bloody interference.
40:16And what if something should go wrong?
40:18If this is reported back to your superiors, I think your ambition to climb the party ladder
40:25would be short-lived.
40:26It was your idea to give them short-lived, Captain.
40:29Under your supervision, товарищ Natasha.
40:33I will arrange a couple of the crew to accompany you.
40:40So who did you actually speak to?
40:41Well, the arbor master, and he said he'd inform his captain.
40:44Well, Dave, how could you?
40:46How was I to know he's unbleeding defector he was doing business with?
40:49I mean, I heard he just threw up all over the car seat and scarped me without telling me nothing.
40:53Well, what made you phone up the docks?
40:55Well, I went through his sky and found some identity,
40:57saw he was a merchant seaman and figured out he wanted to get back to his ship.
41:00And I wanted to get home to bed, and I still do.
41:03I could become the target for a KGB assassin,
41:05and he's whining about getting home to bed.
41:07Can you believe it?
41:09Oi, oi, oi, listen, you.
41:10We've still got to get him out of here a bit lively.
41:12I mean, they're still going to try and find him, aren't they?
41:14Come and claim him, all that.
41:15And we've got some negotiating to do, too.
41:19Yeah, that's what I call a diplomatic approach.
41:22Very sensitive.
41:24Tactful.
41:25Discreet.
41:25Yeah, considerate.
41:29Ah, dear, my friend!
41:32Seems to work.
41:33Track suits.
41:35Yeah.
41:36I saw the motives on, didn't I?
41:37And some Walkmans, them pocket stereo things, you know?
41:40Quartz watches?
41:41Quartz watches?
41:42Tell the time for those of us who can read it.
41:46Don't know nothing about them.
41:47Never saw all that of them, don't you think?
41:49But it's all legit, isn't it?
41:50Me Uncle Arthur told me.
41:51Proper businessman.
41:52He's in the service industry, ain't he?
41:59You say he sold these items to a Russian gentleman?
42:02Yeah, that's all right.
42:03A panta's a panta, me Uncle Arthur always says.
42:05He wants me to learn the business, doesn't he?
42:11So, how do you feel?
42:12You all right now?
42:13Yeah, it's a head pain.
42:14Oh, yeah.
42:15Where are you taking me?
42:16Somewhere we can discuss business, comrade.
42:18A little matter of forbidden currency.
42:21Hold on, look at that.
42:21It's all on us.
42:24Oh, Terry.
42:25What?
42:26It's her.
42:26She's with them.
42:27Trained Soviet killers, I can tell.
42:29Don't talk rubbish.
42:30They're off the ship.
42:31That's all.
42:31I saw them in the pub.
42:32What is this?
42:32You have betrayed me.
42:33He betrayed you.
42:34I'm the one who done his dough.
42:36Oh, my God, it's Jaws.
42:38Hello again, Terry.
42:39Natasha.
42:40Arthur.
42:41Listen, listen, look, before we get any further.
42:43Terry, Terry, Terry.
42:44They may be carrying ice picks.
42:45Will you calm down?
42:47Look, you see, this is a free country, you see.
42:49Now, if he don't want to go anywhere, he stays here with us, all right?
42:52And this, Terry, is none of your business.
42:56Oh.
42:57So, Sergei, you really think the British authorities will let you stay?
43:02Why they shouldn't?
43:04Oh, don't be such a fool.
43:05You are an ordinary merchant seaman of absolutely no political consequence.
43:10And you have been doing illegal actions with English criminals.
43:15You will be sent back home in disgrace, Sergei, and you will not be able to sail again.
43:20And what of your family?
43:21Have you thought about them?
43:23Natasha says she forgave you if you come back to the ship with us now.
43:28Well, it's down to you now, isn't it?
43:31What do you want to do?
43:34I don't know, no.
43:38Perhaps they are making sense, huh?
43:40Sense?
43:41What about my goods?
43:42And what about these rubbish roubles?
43:44You have betrayed the British working class by turning me over.
43:47What do you think him up at Eygut would say if he knew?
43:49Well, well, well.
43:50What have we here?
43:51No, they are not mine.
43:52They are roubles.
43:53They all do nicely.
43:55This way, ladies and gentlemen, please.
43:57Oi!
43:57What's going on?
43:59Who is this man, Terry?
44:00That man is old Bilsky.
44:04So is that one.
44:07Do you speak Welsh?
44:13Right, out!
44:14Tom!
44:16This is all a gross misunderstanding, Mr. Chisholm.
44:18Bleeding liberty.
44:19Yes.
44:20You are making a big mistake, officer.
44:22We are Russian citizens on a sightseeing tour.
44:24Move along, please.
44:25I was just helping them find a bureaucratic exchange.
44:27Isn't that right, sir?
44:27That's all right.
44:28Yeah, that's all we have.
44:28They're a miniature New Zealand.
44:29I want to see your superior.
44:31I demand that you contact the embassy immediately.
44:36For God's sake, what were you thinking of?
44:39Are you sick?
44:40Is that it?
44:41Are you suffering from some sort of stress?
44:43Sir, if I could just put this matter into some kind of perspective.
44:46I've had them all onto me.
44:48The yard, the home office.
44:51What are we doing arresting Russian nationals?
44:55What do I tell them?
44:57That on what appears to be no evidence whatsoever, one of my office.
45:00Sir, that's not true.
45:00I do not wish to hear it.
45:01I don't want to hear it.
45:03This obsession you've got about nicking Arthur Daly is getting totally out of control, sergeant.
45:08Sir, I'm...
45:08Totally.
45:09A relative of mine of grass.
45:11The shame of it.
45:12Leave it out, Uncle Arthur.
45:13There ain't no grass.
45:14I didn't turn them back to dodgy watches.
45:15Oh, you bloody...
45:16Oh, you're right.
45:17You're right.
45:18No, it's all right.
45:19It's all right.
45:21Get it out of me.
45:22You got a right result just getting out of me, didn't you?
45:24A right result?
45:25Yeah.
45:25I've done one and a half grand.
45:26I couldn't even claim the rubles back as mine.
45:28Chisholm took them and gave them to the Ruskies, and they've done the offmen.
45:31Don't worry about it, Uncle Arthur.
45:33I've done them right up, didn't I?
45:34Terry, hit him.
45:36You'll enjoy more than I will.
45:37Yeah, yeah, I will.
45:41Bunged them over the side just before they sailed, didn't he?
45:44Shout out something about insulting the memory of 20 million comrades in the war.
45:48Still, at least you got something back out of it, eh, Arthur?
45:50Yeah, now you're in the international market, aren't you?
45:52I mean, there's bound to be some punters who want them somewhere.
45:55Yeah, but where?
45:57Bolivia, Argentina, Paraguay.
45:59So it's large vodkas all round then, eh, Arthur?
46:02No, it is not, Dave.
46:03All right, Sal?
46:05I do not believe it.
46:07Neither do I.
46:09Sorry, mate, this is members only.
46:11Leave it out.
46:11Come see me Uncle Arthur, ain't I?
46:13Uncle, you're joking.
46:15Don't see the likeness.
46:16How many times have I got to tell you, you are no kith of mine.
46:19You are an unrelated oath.
46:21Probably anonymous donation to a sperm bank.
46:23Now, hobbit.
46:23What sort of thing to say about family, eh?
46:25Yeah, not family.
46:26Oh, he really is your nephew then, eh, Arthur?
46:28You still here?
46:29Come for me wages, ain't I?
46:30Wages?
46:32Forgot to pay me Uncle Arthur, didn't you?
46:34I'll pay you, all right.
46:35Dave, you've got that truncheon you keep behind your breath.
46:36If you're going to get violent, Uncle Arthur, I think you'd better talk to me mum first.
46:40Your mum, Lily?
46:42Mummy?
46:43Uncle Arthur is down here.
46:45You're winding me up, aren't you?
46:47Nah.
46:51Oh, my God.
46:52You ever thought of defecting, Arthur?
46:54Do you think that boat's gone yet?
46:56Your bottle has.
46:59Nice to rob you.
47:03Cheers, comrade.
47:04Hee-hee-hee-hee.
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