- 2 days ago
First broadcast 4th December 1980.
When footballer Danny Varrow wants to sell his story to the press Arthur is only too happy to act as broker and gets Terry to mind him.
Dennis Waterman - Terry
George Cole - Arthur
Karl Howman - Danny Varrow
Adrienne Posta - Jenny
George Sweeney - Clifton Fields
Malcolm Hayes - Robbie Costello
Sean Caffrey - Leo Rafferty
Anthony Douse - Ronnie Raikes
Forbes Collins - Arklow
Martin Neil - Reporter
Glynn Edwards - Dave
Bill Dean - Police Sgt.
Rachel Herbert - Club Receptionist
Mitzi Rogers - Barmaid
Dino Shafeek - Mini Cab Driver
Nicola Rowley - Student Nurse (as Nikola Rowley)
Roy Beck - Burger Salesman
Gill Clark - Secretary
Salo Gardner - Bar Patron
Eileen Harvey - Bar Patron
Ronald Nunnery - Bar Patron
Jack Ross - Landlord
Rita Tobin-Weske - Woman in Street
When footballer Danny Varrow wants to sell his story to the press Arthur is only too happy to act as broker and gets Terry to mind him.
Dennis Waterman - Terry
George Cole - Arthur
Karl Howman - Danny Varrow
Adrienne Posta - Jenny
George Sweeney - Clifton Fields
Malcolm Hayes - Robbie Costello
Sean Caffrey - Leo Rafferty
Anthony Douse - Ronnie Raikes
Forbes Collins - Arklow
Martin Neil - Reporter
Glynn Edwards - Dave
Bill Dean - Police Sgt.
Rachel Herbert - Club Receptionist
Mitzi Rogers - Barmaid
Dino Shafeek - Mini Cab Driver
Nicola Rowley - Student Nurse (as Nikola Rowley)
Roy Beck - Burger Salesman
Gill Clark - Secretary
Salo Gardner - Bar Patron
Eileen Harvey - Bar Patron
Ronald Nunnery - Bar Patron
Jack Ross - Landlord
Rita Tobin-Weske - Woman in Street
Category
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TVTranscript
00:00ArrGh, come back you bastard!
00:02ArrGh....
00:06Come back you bastard!
00:12You, come back you you little bastard!
00:17That's the last bloody thing I do!
00:22Get out of the way, you bastard!
00:25Come back! I'm gonna get you, Mala!
00:28If it's gonna be right, if it's gonna be right!
00:30What do you think I do, Mala?
00:32Yeah, Mala, yeah!
00:36Mala! Mala!
00:40I'm gonna get you, you bastard!
00:44I'll get you, Mala!
00:49Shut up, shut up!
00:50You come back, you bastard!
00:53I'll kill you!
00:55Woo!
01:09Run, you bugger!
01:11Run!
01:12You do it in your spine!
01:14I'm gonna catch you!
01:15And when I do,
01:17I'm gonna kill you!
01:19And I'm gonna kill you!
01:20Great.
01:26Cal State!
01:27Cal State!
01:28Cal State!
01:30Cal State!
01:34Wait!
01:35Hey!
01:36Chelsea! Chelsea! Chelsea! Chelsea! Chelsea! Chelsea! Chelsea!
01:56Well done, Stanley Matthews. Now you pulled a stroke for England.
02:01Come and pull a few for me. God, dear old Lord. What you got in here? Lead weights?
02:10Very nearly, my son. Metal weights. Eh? Weight lifters for the use of.
02:15As of today, I am into your leisure activities boom. What happened?
02:19They fall off the back of a long-distance runner? Ha-ha-ha! Sport for all, that is the message.
02:24Oh, my God. Why can't you buy a proper paper instead of this kiddie's comic cuts?
02:29Sport? You? Don't make me laugh.
02:32Listen, I bet the last time you went to a football match,
02:35they had shorts down to their knees and hair parked in the middle.
02:38I don't deny. And if they wore French knickers and shaved their heads,
02:41they still wouldn't get me going through the turnstance.
02:44There is more to the Greek sporting ideal, Terry,
02:46than standing on the terraces, hurling obscenities and wearing boffa boots.
02:50What are you talking about?
02:52Well, it's more your participatory sports, innit?
02:54Badminton, squash, weightlifting.
02:56Oh, weightlifting.
02:57Ha-ha-ha-ha!
02:58Nah, football is dead.
03:00Don't be so bleeding daft.
03:02I am telling you.
03:04Look, even the players don't want to know. I mean, what is all that about?
03:07Oh, yeah. Danny Farrow thrown one of his wad and wobblies.
03:11Headline news, cos a two-bob football cretins skives off a day's work.
03:15A million quid football cretin, Arthur.
03:18A million quid? Oh, God, he's a muddied oaf.
03:22He ain't. One of the chosen, he is.
03:25I tell you what, if he had put himself a belt on the pitch
03:28as much as he does with birds, booze and gambling,
03:30he'd be chosen for his country and all.
03:32Bit of a lad, huh, Danny?
03:34He's too bob, Terry. They're all too bob in my book.
03:38Hey, look, listen, listen to this.
03:40Soccer playboy misfit Danny Varrow caused more headaches for his manager...
03:44Look, that is typical gutter press. Why don't you buy a proper paper?
03:48Why don't you? Oi, give it back.
03:50Why? I want it.
03:52But you don't like it.
03:53Yeah. I'm not paying you to read papers in my time.
03:57I'm bunging you for three hours' graph this morning,
03:59not for sitting down reading football tittle-tattle
04:01in the illiterate's answer to the Beano.
04:03You are right, Arthur. Eh?
04:06You're right. Except we ain't in your time any more, are we?
04:10What? Look at that. 12.
04:1212. The clock has beaten you, sunshine.
04:15And I'm struggling with the prior engagement.
04:17Ta-da! No, no, hang on, hang on. Just a minute.
04:19Just a minute. What is this prior engagement?
04:22Chelsea were at home. Yeah, the best place for them.
04:25I thought you were a Fulham man.
04:26They were away, ain't they? Ta-da.
04:28Hey, what about my sporting goods?
04:31Balls. Terry.
04:33Ping-pong for the playing on. Ta-da.
04:36Oh, Arthur.
04:39How are you? I'd hold it underneath.
04:42Terry!
04:43Hey, no, get out of here. Go on.
04:44Hey, hey, hey. Get out of here. Go on.
04:46Go on. Get out of here.
04:48Go on. Get out of here.
04:49Go on. Out of here. All of you.
04:50Go on. Don't play in the river.
04:52Go on.
04:53Go on.
04:54Go on.
04:55A-R-N-O. We won the Cup.
05:03We won the Cup.
05:06A-R-N-O. We won the Cup.
05:13High five, a-R-N-O. We won the Cup.
05:19Come on.
05:33Thickheads, bloats, come back and try that again.
05:36I'll push you through the wall.
05:41The highway is quite safe now, madam.
05:43I've seen them on their way.
05:49Hello, Arthur.
05:54You're early. I've only just opened.
05:55Who was it said you can never find one when you want one?
05:58Who was it said you can never find what?
06:00Copper.
06:01G. H. Chesterton, wasn't it?
06:03Or was it the bard himself, George Bernard?
06:05You won't catch the coppers round here on a Saturday afternoon, Arthur.
06:09What are you looking for a copper for?
06:11Football hooligans. Out there.
06:14They seem scarpered when I gave them what for.
06:16Well, that's life, isn't it?
06:18Chase, sirrah, sirrah.
06:19If one of them soccer hooligans got your number on the bottom of his bobber boot,
06:23he'll dot your card for you, old Bill or no, old Bill.
06:25Yeah, it's like the doodlebugs in the war, isn't it?
06:28What's doodlebugs got to do with it?
06:31Oh!
06:33Oh, dear, it really is like the Blitz.
06:35They didn't do for him at all, did they, the maniacs?
06:38Anything he's suffering from comes down to the hurting of self-inflicted.
06:41He's pissed, isn't he?
06:42Oh, God, he must have started early.
06:44There's a chopping-up job from the night before.
06:46Oh, he usually is with him.
06:48Come on, Ron-o, son.
06:49Do yourself a favour.
06:50Swallow some of that.
06:51There's a boy.
06:52Black coffee.
06:53And I'll put you back on your feet.
06:56Mind you, if them soccer hooligans had got to him,
06:59he would have gone down as poetic justice.
07:01Why's that?
07:02Don't you recognise when you are in the presence of royalty?
07:04This is the Ronnie Rakes, is this?
07:06Ronnie Rakes?
07:08Who the hell's Ronnie Rakes?
07:09Ronnie Rakes, the football rider.
07:11Oh, one of those.
07:12He's got this column, Sunday's sober voice of sport.
07:15Oh, yeah.
07:16Saturday's his day off, is it?
07:18Did someone from here call a minicab?
07:20Oh, yeah, over here.
07:22Oh, blimey.
07:24Not Mr. Rakes again.
07:25Yeah.
07:26I shampooed all my upholstery yesterday.
07:28I might have known I was tempting fate.
07:31Arthur, guess I ain't getting him in the motor, will you?
07:33Leave it out, Dave.
07:35One of the most important rules in life.
07:37Never helped the press in any way.
07:39And I never have done, since I got that slag in in a local rag.
07:42Come on, Ronnie.
07:43I'll get it.
07:44There we go.
07:45All right.
07:46There, boy.
07:48Arthur, get that one for me, will you?
07:50Oh, yeah, yeah.
07:53They don't call him to gut the press for nothing.
07:55Yeah, yeah.
08:03Arthur Daly.
08:04Hello?
08:05Winchester Club.
08:06Can I be of any help?
08:07Oh, yeah.
08:08Look, he's the top man there, is he?
08:09Well, it depends which top man you want.
08:11Dave's just popped out for a moment, but I'm here.
08:13Arthur Daly.
08:13No, no, I don't want either of them, mate.
08:15I want the number one geezer.
08:16Ronnie.
08:17Ronnie?
08:17Ronnie who?
08:18Yeah, yeah, Ronnie.
08:19Look, is he there or isn't he?
08:20Only, look, he gave me this number to give him a ring.
08:23Ronnie Rakes.
08:24Ronnie?
08:24Oh, oh, him.
08:26Yeah, he was here a minute ago.
08:27More in spirit than in body.
08:29Dave's just pouring in a minute.
08:30Oh, do us a favour, mate.
08:31Will you trot out, see if you can get hold of him for us?
08:34I wouldn't do any good if I could.
08:36He's non-compass.
08:37Yeah, well, where's that?
08:39Legless.
08:40Oh, no, he's not pissed, is he?
08:41Oh, God, do us a favour.
08:43Look, I tell you what, I've got a story for him.
08:45It's a big exclusive.
08:46Only I'm badly and neither are ready, see?
08:48Yeah, you and he of others.
08:50Who is this speaking?
08:51Er, Varro.
08:53Hello, darling.
08:55Er, yeah, Danny Varro.
08:58Oh, Daniel.
09:00Oh, you should have said, my son.
09:02Now, isn't that funny?
09:03Ron was just talking to me about you
09:04before he had the great misfortune to suddenly be taken drunk.
09:07How's it going, my son?
09:08Well, getting his chariot all right, Dave?
09:20No problems?
09:20Ah, no problems.
09:22Who's on the blower?
09:23Blower?
09:24Um, oh, no one, Dave.
09:26Wrong number.
09:26Dreadful, isn't it?
09:28Fuck a slimline, was it?
09:29Um, tar, yeah, it was, but, er, no, I won't.
09:31I've just remembered I promised to do something for a geezer.
09:34Got to lay my hands on Terry, smartish.
09:35You'll be lucky.
09:36Saturday afternoon he'll be on the terraces.
09:37You won't double in before the final whistle.
09:40Never know your luck, Dave.
09:41Charles, you're arm time, isn't it?
09:44Chal-sen! Chal-sen!
09:51Chal-sen! Chal-sen! Chal-sen!
09:55Chal-sen! Chal-sen!
10:01Chal-sen!
10:05Chal-sen!
10:06.
10:13.
10:18.
10:24.
10:26.
10:28.
10:34.
10:35.
10:36.
10:38.
10:44.
10:45.
10:47.
10:49Yeah.
10:50You've cracked it though son.
10:52Fire won't last.
10:53Here he is over here.
10:55It's terrible.
10:56Yes, I'm sorry.
10:57Tage!
10:58Tage!
10:59Tage!
11:00Tage!
11:01Tage!
11:02Tage!
11:03Tage!
11:04Can I help you?
11:26Yeah, I'm Terry McCann.
11:28You just splashed me name up and I'll do for the ball.
11:33Come here.
11:34Oh, do you like to sit down?
11:39No, no, I don't want to sit down, no.
11:40But I think you're better, mister.
11:42Look, whatever's happened, won't we ought to bother me sitting down, will it?
11:45No.
11:45No.
11:46Well, there's been an accident and you're wanted at home.
11:48An accident? What's happened? Who is it?
11:50I'm very sorry to say it was your mother, Mr McCann.
11:53I'm very sorry to say she had the misfortune to go and get herself run over.
11:57No, no, no, no. My mum didn't.
11:59Yes, she did.
12:00It was a Green Line bus.
12:02Terence McCann, 17 Onward Crescent.
12:05Well, yeah, you've got the right geezer and all that.
12:08Apparently, that is your mum.
12:10Apparently.
12:11We had a phone call from your Uncle Arthur.
12:14He just called the Clem.
12:16Uncle Arthur?
12:17Yes.
12:17What's happening?
12:22Oh, can't you believe this, eh?
12:24Half an hour I was out there watching this rubbish.
12:26I couldn't score a golden month for Sundays.
12:27The minute I come in here, it's in the net, innit?
12:30It's technical, that is.
12:32I don't wish to intrude into your personal grief, Mr McCann.
12:37But may I offer you a lift home?
12:39No, no, I ain't going anywhere.
12:40You see, it's a G up, innit?
12:43Don't think you've got it.
12:44It could be fatal.
12:45No, you don't understand.
12:47It's a put-up job.
12:49Huh?
12:50Excuse me, Mr McCann.
12:51Are you inferring that this phone call was a hoax?
12:55Well, something like that, yeah.
12:57You see, the only way a Green Line bus is going to run my old mum over
13:00is if it makes a detour through Kilburn Cemetery,
13:03because she's been there since 1967.
13:05And that's for Uncle Arthur.
13:07I ain't even got an Uncle Arthur.
13:09Have you any idea who the person purporting to be Uncle Arthur is?
13:15Uh, no, no.
13:16No, because I don't find this merchant's Uncle Arthur's antics funny at all.
13:21I'm hardly laughing my cobbler's off either, am I?
13:23Let me finish speaking.
13:25I have a lot on my plate on Saturday afternoons,
13:28and I don't want any smart-arse Uncle Arthur's poking their two pennants in.
13:34Yeah.
13:37You going somewhere, Mr McCann?
13:39Well, yeah, it's only halfway through.
13:40Yeah, I think I want to see the rest of the match.
13:42And, of course, I think I've spent enough for your valuable time, you know.
13:45Yes.
13:46You and Uncle Arthur, you are.
13:49Yeah, well, I'm sorry about that. I'll be off then, eh?
13:51You're not going back onto the terraces, sonny, Jim.
13:55You're on your bike.
13:59Keep going.
14:01On your way, Goldie, love.
14:06Yeah.
14:07Cancel that.
14:23I thought we were not going to do a Moody on me.
14:25Moody?
14:26Me?
14:26I suppose you thought that was humorous, did you?
14:28No, astute, I thought.
14:29The old grave matter, working overtime.
14:30No, leave it out.
14:31Leave nothing out, my son.
14:32I wanted to see you urgent.
14:34Here you are.
14:35QED, mission accomplished.
14:36My little ruse, I call that very astute.
14:38I call it diabolical, Uncle Arthur.
14:40My only worry was that you wouldn't have the mouse to work it out.
14:44You know, break the code.
14:46Break the...
14:46I'm going to break your neck one of these days.
14:49Yeah, of course you are, Terrence.
14:50But not the day, my son.
14:52Not when you hear what I've got worked out for you.
14:53There we are.
14:58Comfy?
15:00Get off.
15:02You're pulling my plunker, aren't you?
15:03Terry, have I ever lied to you?
15:05Often.
15:06I swear to you on my bank manager's wife, the lad himself, Danny Varro.
15:11Well, where is he now?
15:12Well, bombing his way down the M1, ain't he?
15:14Ready to sell his story at the highest bidder.
15:16You know, goals, goals and...
15:18Oh, my dear, what was that?
15:19You know, sex, soccer and steer rods.
15:22Steer rods?
15:23Yeah, compulsive reading, ain't it?
15:24It's gold dust time, Terry.
15:27My exclusive story by soccer misfit.
15:29You know the kind of bread they dish out for that sort of rubbish, Terry?
15:33Oh, I know the kind of bread they bung in, but...
15:35But who's bunging you?
15:37Mr. Ten Percent, ain't I?
15:40I'm his agent.
15:41Does he know that?
15:42You just do your job, Terry, I'll do mine.
15:45Now, take him to your drum, I'll meet you there.
15:47Nobody, but nobody must know where he is until I've done the deal with Rainsy.
15:51Hold on, I thought you said he was legless.
15:53Yeah, he was, but by now he'll be hanging in rags, won't he?
15:56Ready to agree to anything.
15:58Terry, this one's going to be a doddle.
16:00And what I like about it is there's no complications.
16:03It's all above board.
16:05I want him, Robbie.
16:07We don't even know he'll come to London, Mr. Rafferty.
16:10Oh, he'll come.
16:12He'll come down to London, believe me, Robbie.
16:14He's on his way as of now because he hasn't got the nurse to keep away.
16:22He's like a kid let loose in a sweet shop.
16:25Doesn't know when he's had enough.
16:28Also, we know who he'll contact first.
16:31Oh, mark my words, Robbie.
16:33He'll be straight on the blower to that graceless slag.
16:35And when he does...
16:39Has Clifton shown you?
16:40He's here now, Mr. Rafferty.
16:42Have him come in.
16:43Get him, Clifton.
16:58You want me to hurt him, Mr. Rafferty?
16:59I didn't say I wanted you to hurt him, did I?
17:01I said get him.
17:03Which doesn't mean I want him got.
17:05And when you've got him, you bring him to me.
17:07And when you've brought him to me,
17:09then we'll see about hurting him.
17:13Terry?
17:40Terry?
17:41Terry?
17:43Where the hell are you?
17:51Arthur?
17:52Terry, thank God.
17:54Have you got him?
17:55Well, yeah.
17:56Why don't you bring him round here like I told you to?
17:58He didn't want to come.
18:00Why not?
18:01Because he didn't.
18:03Where are you?
18:04In a penthouse suite.
18:06What?
18:07What penthouse suite?
18:09All right, Arthur, keep your wig on.
18:11It's not my fault, is it?
18:12No, no, listen to me, Terry.
18:13I am...
18:13He elbowed my place sight unseen.
18:15He said that's the way it is.
18:17Par for the course, right?
18:18He gets his readies, first-class hotel, and his out-of-pocket exes.
18:22Hold on, hold on.
18:27Come in.
18:28What does he call his out-of-pocket exes?
18:31Well, he's champagne, mostly.
18:33Champagne?
18:33What champagne?
18:34I think he's called Dom Perignon.
18:37Bang it down there, will you?
18:38Listen, who's paying for all this, eh?
18:40Is it Rakesy's paper?
18:41Or are you having to pay for it out of your 10%?
18:43Look, he gets no champagne.
18:45He gets nothing.
18:45Now, you tell him, Terry, nothing is par for the course until I have done a deal with Rakesy.
18:49Now, you tell him that, Terry.
18:51Terry, Terry, are you listening?
18:52Oh, come in.
18:54Stakes, I'm sorry, sir.
18:56Yeah, yeah, hold on.
18:57Yeah, I'm listening, Arthur.
18:58All right, all right.
18:59I have only prepared pay for a basic rule, and that is subject to the conditions of the arrangement contractually,
19:06that I am able to agree with the other party's concerned.
19:08Look, will you shut up?
19:11Look, he ain't gonna take any notice of me, is he?
19:13You want to tell him that, come around and tell him yourself.
19:15Well, I can't, can I?
19:17I'm looking for Rakesy.
19:19Look, you tell him, until I find Rakesy, he don't get so much as a pack.
19:21A bag of crisps.
19:24Look, it's no good having a go at me, Jenny.
19:25If you want to give someone a coating, girl, give one to the geezer who brought me up here, right?
19:29Yeah, what about West Ham?
19:31You've always got some bleeding good excuse, ain't you, Danny?
19:34And it's always me that falls for it.
19:37West Ham 132.
19:38Did they really?
19:40God, blimey, they did well, didn't they?
19:42Nicked two points up there.
19:44Yeah, yeah, you know I do.
19:47What do you mean, say it?
19:48I don't have to say it, do I?
19:49Because I do.
19:51Yeah, yeah, yeah.
19:52All the time.
19:53What about...
19:53Yeah, I'll never think about anything else.
19:55What about Crystal Palace?
19:57Yeah, what about Crystal Palace?
19:58You are a rotten bastard, Danny.
20:01They was held to a no-score draw.
20:03Must have been a kicking match.
20:05Three of them got their names to them and one got sent off.
20:08Look, if you can't come round here, why can't I come round there to you?
20:12I want you, Danny.
20:16I can't remember who got sent off.
20:19I can't look in the bleeding paper because it's not in the bleeding paper.
20:22I heard it on the telly.
20:24Look, why can't I come round there to you?
20:27Stone me, Jenny.
20:28How many more times have I got to tell you?
20:29Because I've got somebody with me.
20:31Now, what about Arsenal?
20:32No, it is not Crumpet.
20:36It is business.
20:38It is a geezer.
20:39Now, what...
20:39Caldwell, mighty girl.
20:41Look, just say hello to Jenny, will you?
20:43Hello, Jenny.
20:45You satisfied?
20:47That was Terry, right?
20:48Now, did that sound like Crumpet?
20:50No.
20:51Now, darling, please, tell me about Arsenal.
20:53Ronny Rakes?
21:01What are you looking for him for, Arthur?
21:03I think the sporting info I picked up this afternoon.
21:05I think it might be right up his street.
21:07I thought you were a geezer wouldn't give a journalist a life.
21:09Dave, please, please.
21:10It does not do to bear your grudges to the grave.
21:13Anyway, any friend of yours?
21:15Any idea where he was bound in the minicud?
21:18Well, I pointed him in the general direction of his office,
21:20but knowing Ronnie, I think you'll find him having air of the dog in Fleet Street.
21:23Any idea which boozer?
21:26Yeah, you could try the Blackfriar.
21:27The Blackfriar, right, thanks.
21:29If you can't find him there, try the Bell.
21:31The Bell?
21:32Well, if he isn't there, he could be in a monkey duck.
21:34Well, if he's not there, he could be in Alvino's.
21:36Or the cheddar cheese.
21:37Yeah, he uses that a lot.
21:39If he's not there, he could try the cockpit.
21:41If he isn't there, he could try the wig and pen.
21:43Ah, and if he's not there, no, he could be a mother's bunch.
21:47If you can't find him there,
21:48well, I should try any one out of a dozen, perhaps.
21:51Air of the dog.
21:51Sounds to me as if he's swallowing the old bloody pack of hounds.
21:55Thanks, Dave, anyway.
21:57Thirsty geezer.
22:00Nine, ten, jack.
22:01Say, is it?
22:03I could be there with my second.
22:06AKQ on the bounce.
22:08Three, four, five.
22:10Ten, jack, queen.
22:11Rubbish.
22:14Hey, queen, flash!
22:16Pick the buns out of that!
22:17All right, don't get a coronary.
22:20Oh, Blonnie, all you've done is win a few hounds of cards.
22:22No need for a bleeding lap of honour, is there?
22:23Well, it's my competitive nature, innit?
22:25Don't give me all that competitive crap.
22:27If you had any competitive spirit,
22:28you'd be on the park sticking a ball in the net.
22:30Not here selling your memoirs.
22:32How'd your lot do today?
22:33Do you know?
22:34Er, they lost one plonk.
22:36Don't that worry you?
22:37No.
22:37Well, it should, shouldn't it?
22:41God, Blonnie, it would worry me.
22:42Sick if I'd just nicked off and left the team in a lurch like that.
22:45Oh, oh, yeah.
22:46Well, I'd be pig sick if they'd have won one, Neil.
22:48But losing, well, losing just goes to prove
22:50that they can't do it without me, see?
22:53You big-headed bastard.
22:55Oh, it's all right being big-headed.
22:56I mean, it's OK being big-headed
22:57if you've got something to be big-headed about.
22:59But it's these no-talented big-headed bastards
23:01that get up my nose.
23:02Yeah, all right, I can understand that.
23:05But what about loyalty?
23:06Loyalty? Loyalty's the number one, mate.
23:09I'm the guy that goes out there every Saturday afternoon
23:11and gets great big lumps kicked out of his shins.
23:13That's what you're paid for, innit?
23:15I mean, what about the club?
23:17Your mates?
23:18The manager?
23:19Manager?
23:20My manager is a bleeding idiot.
23:23He's a psycho.
23:24Do you know what his idea of a half-time team talk is?
23:28He comes into the dressing room and he says,
23:31OK, lads, now I know you're losing one, Neil,
23:33but what I want you to do
23:34is to just keep pumping them balls right up the centre.
23:37Oh, no, that is rubbish.
23:38Now, you know it's rubbish.
23:40It's a rubbish club.
23:41Rubbish manager.
23:43But I'm not.
23:44And I know.
23:45I know I'm not rubbish.
23:47I've got better things to do.
23:48What, like spending all your dough
23:50on birds, booze and bookies, eh?
23:52Then coming down here
23:53so you can sell your sordid little story
23:55just to pay for it?
23:56Certainly.
23:57Is it worth it?
23:59Look, Terry, I told you.
24:01It's in my nature, innit?
24:02Yeah, but one of these days, you see,
24:04you're going to overstep the mark, aren't you?
24:09Your murky past is going to catch up with you, innit?
24:13Hello?
24:14Is Danny Varro there?
24:16Who wants him?
24:16No, no, no, I don't want classified ads.
24:44Look, I'm waiting to speak to your sports department
24:46and I've been put through to the woman's page.
24:50Yeah, we're not half as sorry as I am, madam.
24:52Hello, sport.
24:53Oh, my name is Daly, Arthur Daly.
24:56Yes, I'm trying to get in touch with your Mr. Rakes.
25:00Yeah, I appreciate he's not in the office
25:02at this hour of the day,
25:03but I just wondered if perchance you had recourse
25:06to his present whereabouts.
25:08Daly, Arthur Daly.
25:10Oh, I am, yes.
25:11Yes, we are members of the same club.
25:14I am in Fleet Street.
25:16No, no, no, no, I'm sorry.
25:17It's very personal and I wish to speak only to Mr. Rakes.
25:21What do you mean, drop him a postcard?
25:23Listen, friend, don't you take that high-handed attitude
25:25with me or I'll have you...
25:26Hello? Hello? Hello?
25:29No luck, then, sweetie.
25:31He hung up on me.
25:32Oh.
25:33That is typical of your gutter press.
25:35I'd serve them right if I sold them up the river
25:37and took the story at one of the posh papers.
25:40At least for them, you know you're dealing with gentlemen.
25:42Oh, nice to shore, love.
25:43We'll get some funny ones in from there as well.
25:45Yeah?
25:46Yeah.
25:46Here, do you want another one?
25:48Yeah, no, no, no.
25:49I've trolled round more street-free boozers than enough.
25:51Yeah, well, that might be your big mistake.
25:54How do you mean?
25:55You're dodging about.
25:55You keep missing him.
25:57He's bound to pop in for one sometime, Ronnie is.
25:59Sure to.
26:00Yeah?
26:01Look, why don't you just settle yourself down here and, uh...
26:04Oh, yeah, you're all right.
26:06I've got counselling line, please.
26:07And, uh, what about you?
26:08Are you going to have something?
26:09Yeah, yeah, thanks very much, love.
26:10Don't mind if I do.
26:13There you go.
26:15Oh, lovely. Cheers.
26:16Yeah.
26:17I'll tell you what.
26:19I only ever saw you play once in the flesh.
26:21You know, not on telly, like.
26:22Oh, yeah?
26:23When was that?
26:24Well, it's got to be two seasons ago.
26:26It was an FA Cup tie.
26:27It was at Craven Cottage.
26:28Oh, yeah, I remember.
26:29Yeah, yeah.
26:30We won 2-1, didn't we?
26:31Yeah.
26:32Didn't play off bad then, did I?
26:33Well, not many played out of your bleeding skin, mate.
26:36I remember it.
26:37Do you know, I laid the first one off.
26:39They scored the second with eight minutes to go.
26:41That's right.
26:42Went to us from the corner, wasn't it?
26:43That's right, yeah.
26:44Came over, half fully, splat.
26:47Straight in the corner and earned it.
26:48How's that, son?
26:49Pick that one out.
26:50God, I really hated you, I'll tell you.
26:52Woo, here.
26:53You're a Fulham supporter, aren't you?
26:55Yeah.
26:56Red hot, mate.
26:56No, but that, I mean, you were a different class, weren't you?
27:00Do you know that weren't two seasons ago?
27:01It was four.
27:02Four.
27:03Well, time marches on.
27:05Well, it does when you play up front, son.
27:07Well, exactly.
27:07Look, I know it's hard and all that and you get kicked,
27:10but you've just got to go out there and enjoy it while it lasts.
27:13Oh, I enjoy it all right.
27:15All the birds, the booze, the football.
27:17Well, not necessarily in that order.
27:19And the woofers and the GGs.
27:20Listen, you're a great player, right?
27:23Why are you doing all this?
27:26I owe a fella.
27:27A bookie?
27:28Yeah.
27:29Yeah.
27:29Well, you could call him that, yeah.
27:31Well, how much?
27:32A lot.
27:33How much is a lot?
27:35Well, five grand.
27:36Yeah, that is a lot.
27:38So now do you understand all about this?
27:40Have you owed him long?
27:41Long enough.
27:42Is he putting the screws on you?
27:44Yeah, you could say he's putting the screws on.
27:46So the sooner your mate gets hold of Ronnie Rates, the better, right?
27:50Yeah, right.
27:52I'll hurt him, Robbie.
27:54I'll put his teeth right down his throat.
27:56It'll be my pleasure.
27:56You know what I mean?
27:57Because he's a lippy little sod.
27:59But I don't get a bundle on hurting her.
28:01Because I don't hurt birds.
28:02Well, not as a general rule.
28:04I mean, yeah, OK, I admit,
28:06I've hung a few on Babs over the years.
28:07Well, that's domestic, ain't it?
28:09You know what I mean, Rob?
28:10I mean, when you're living with a bird,
28:12well, you're bound to lose your bottle now and again.
28:14Well, it's only human nature, ain't it?
28:17But I mean, Rob, all things considered,
28:19well, I'd rather not hang one on this one.
28:21Well, not unless I really have to.
28:22Yes, Ray.
28:23But do you understand what I'm getting at, Rob?
28:25Yeah, you've made your point.
28:26Well, I remember this time with Babs, right?
28:28She started rucking me
28:30because I'd been out of the lounge drinking, right?
28:32So I go in there, all innocence.
28:35So at the top it off, what have I done?
28:37I've hung one on it, ain't I?
28:38Only a playful turn.
28:39Well, instead of riding it like anybody in their right mind would,
28:42the silly cow, she came onto it, didn't she?
28:45Wallop.
28:46You know what I mean?
28:47I put the poor cow out cold.
28:49You know what your problem is, Clivvy?
28:51Yeah, I'm shacked up with a lunatic bird.
28:55No.
28:56You suffer from verbal diarrhoea.
28:59Oh, come on, come on.
29:01All right, all right.
29:02Where is he, Jenny?
29:05Well, he ain't here.
29:06Well, you'd better tell us where he is then
29:08before Clifton loses his bottle.
29:09Come on, gentlemen, please.
29:36Come along now, ladies and gentlemen.
29:38Come along now, ladies and gentlemen.
29:46Good night.
29:49Good night, sir.
29:53Oh, stone me.
29:54What a bleeding hell is that Arthur, eh?
29:56It's tomorrow, innit?
29:57Here, don't you see you again?
29:59Eh, what?
30:00Yeah, what are you doing?
30:00What are you doing, eh?
30:02Don't worry about that penalty prize competition.
30:04Penalty prize?
30:05Come on, son, give us a sit over here.
30:06Yeah, all right, then, all right.
30:08No, but you're the pro.
30:09You've got to go in first.
30:10Well, all right, son.
30:11Don't bother me.
30:11Go on, go on, off you go.
30:13All right, then.
30:14Oh, look.
30:15Oh, he's there.
30:17Yeah, no, hang on, I slipped.
30:18Hello.
30:27Oh, is it all ready?
30:43Oh, I'm trying to track down your Ronnie Rakes.
30:46Now, you wouldn't happen to know where he is, would you?
30:48I know where he isn't.
30:49I'm not here officially.
30:50I'm supposed to be following up some escaped python story from a domestic zoo in Clitheroe,
30:55Lanks.
30:55Yeah, that's very interesting.
30:57But you don't think you're going to help me track him down?
30:59Where have you looked for him so far?
31:00I've looked in all of them.
31:02Oh, well, I wouldn't know where else to suggest them.
31:05Here.
31:06How do you spell asphyxiated, is it?
31:08Y-X-I-L-I-X-Y.
31:11Asphyxi...
31:11Asphyx.
31:14Put strangled, my son.
31:16Cheers.
31:16Cheers.
31:17Have you tried him at his flat?
31:20His what?
31:21Ronnie.
31:22Have you been around to his flat?
31:26Sir!
31:27What a son of a son!
31:28Hey, sir!
31:29Very good, take it again.
31:31Take what again?
31:32You moved before I kicked it, son.
31:33I never did.
31:34Yes, you did.
31:35Look, referee's decision final.
31:37Take it again.
31:37Take nothing again.
31:38That was a great save.
31:39Fulham, champions of the universe!
31:42Fair enough, fair enough, fair enough.
31:43Take it again, best out of three.
31:45Right?
31:46You said it was sudden death.
31:47I've never said it was sudden death.
31:48You did.
31:49We always play best out of three.
31:50I've always had it anyway.
31:52Go on, back you go.
31:52Go on, please.
31:53Go on.
31:53All right, all right.
31:54Fair enough.
31:54Right?
31:56My name's Leonard V.
31:57You can bung at me, sunshine.
31:58Right.
31:59I'm ready.
31:59Okay, cut hold of this.
32:01Where are you going?
32:03Half time of the minute.
32:04Going for a jimmy.
32:06Steak sandwich reinforcements.
32:08All right, I'll get it.
32:09Hello, Danny.
32:19Sorry to be a bother.
32:21Mr. Rafford, he said he wouldn't mind a word.
32:22Daddy?
32:44Daddy?
32:45Daddy?
32:45Daddy?
33:50Excuse me.
33:52Where is he?
33:54Hold on, hold on.
33:56Who are you?
33:57Oh, bastard.
33:59Ah, yeah, you must be Jenny, eh?
34:02It's half past five.
34:10No, no, I think you've stopped.
34:12It is 27 minutes to six.
34:14Very nearly.
34:1627 minutes to six?
34:19Very nearly.
34:20In the morning?
34:22I can't believe so.
34:24There's an old such bloody time.
34:28Who do you say you are again?
34:35My credentials.
34:40What's it say?
34:41Arthur Daly, Esquire is who I am.
34:44Licensed automobile dealer.
34:46Those are my professional qualifications.
34:49A second-hand car salesman.
34:54Yeah, broadly speaking.
34:55But I do have several other irons in the fire.
34:57I don't need a second-hand bloody car.
35:00I am here regarding one of my other several irons.
35:03I don't need a second-hand bloody car,
35:05and certainly not at half past five in the bloody morning.
35:08I.e., the personal representation of several celebrity clients
35:12in the fields of entertainment and endeavor.
35:15You're a variety agent that sells used cars.
35:20May I come straight to the point?
35:23It wouldn't come amiss.
35:26Danny Varro.
35:28Danny Varro?
35:30Famous footballer?
35:32Flogging his revelations to the press?
35:34Clown prince tells all?
35:36No?
35:37I'm his business manager.
35:39If you'd like to make an offer.
35:41Is it a geop?
35:42No.
35:45Tell the truth.
35:46You're trying to get me at it, right?
35:48No, no, I'm not.
35:50Those prats in the office put you up to this.
35:54Plain silly buggers trying to stitch me up.
35:57No, no, no, no.
35:58This is 28 carat.
35:59I mean, this is thingy, isn't it?
36:01A scoop.
36:02Tomorrow's headlines.
36:03I'll give you tomorrow's headlines!
36:05Hey!
36:06You bloody lunatic!
36:08I hear?
36:09You heard Scram before I kick your bloody head in!
36:11No, no.
36:12You watch it, or I will take the story somewhere else.
36:14Story?
36:15Danny Varro's tasteless tittle-tattle.
36:17You want to sell it to me?
36:19I've been drunk with him so many times I know it off by art.
36:22An odyssey through the bedrooms of the nation's faceless slags.
36:26That's not a bloody story.
36:28That's not a bloody story.
36:29I've got him in a penthouse suite.
36:32All expenses paid.
36:33You still here?
36:34No, no, no, no.
36:35The day he gets his comeuppance, that's the bloody story!
36:41Why can't you take me with?
36:42Ha!
36:43It'd really put a cat amongst the pigeons, wouldn't it?
36:44When haven't you stirred things up enough already?
36:45No, I'm dropping you off.
36:46Rafferty, don't own me!
36:47Don't own me!
36:48Don't he?
36:49He's a married man.
36:50Yeah, well they often are, aren't they?
36:51Well, they are a good thing.
36:52I'm not a good thing.
36:53I'm going to go with them!
36:54I'm not a good thing.
36:55What a good thing!
36:56Look!
36:57I'm not a good thing!
36:58That's a bad thing!
36:59You're a good thing.
37:00That's a bad thing.
37:01Why can't you take me with?
37:02Ha!
37:03It'd really put a cat amongst the pigeons, wouldn't it?
37:04When haven't you stirred things up enough already?
37:05No, I'm dropping you off.
37:06Rafferty don't own me!
37:07Don't he?
37:08He's a married man.
37:09Yeah, well, they often are, aren't they?
37:10Well, I'm dropping you off.
37:11I'm dropping you off.
37:12Rafferty, don't own me!
37:13Don't he?
37:20I'm just his bit on the side, aren't I?
37:23Does he pay your rent?
37:25So, he owns the flat.
37:27I'm not his only bit on the side.
37:30I'm what's known as his South London job.
37:33Keep his bleeping flat for all I care.
37:37Look, are you sure he's going to be at the driving range?
37:39Regular as clockwork Sunday mornings.
37:50Oh, you've sliced it, Rafferty.
37:53It's your grip, see? You've got it twisted.
37:55Look, let me show you how...
37:56Don't you give me any might, you lippy little sword.
37:59You have enough to answer for already.
38:00Look, I'll get you, Reddies. Don't worry about it.
38:02It isn't just the matter of the Reddies.
38:04Now, you remember that.
38:05You can't just swan around romping birds that don't belong to you.
38:09That is a fact of life, Barrow.
38:12That is why you have to learn your lesson.
38:14When I let Cliff and Lucy know you,
38:17don't think just of it as a hiding song.
38:19Accept it as a bit of further education.
38:27See who that is.
38:33Danny!
38:35Are you all right, Danny?
38:36Who is it?
38:37No, we don't want any trouble, Rafferty.
38:39You better piss off then, hadn't you, and you won't get any.
38:42Just walk towards me, Danny.
38:43He's staying where he is.
38:44Oh, dear old...
38:45Listen, tell this thick-eared gorilla to get out of the way.
38:48Who is it?
38:49Danny, walk towards me.
38:51I don't care who he is.
38:52Have him, Clifton.
38:53Go on, my son.
38:54Club of the bagger.
38:57Go on, hit him.
38:58Terry.
39:01Terry?
39:02Terry McCann?
39:03That's right, son.
39:04But Clifton, innit?
39:05Aye?
39:06Clifton Fields.
39:07Aye?
39:08Do what?
39:09God, blimey!
39:11Look, 1963, Oxton Barbs.
39:13Qualifying rounds, NABC championships.
39:14Aye.
39:15Aye?
39:161964, I had you again.
39:17Shepard's Bush, right?
39:18Junior ABAs.
39:20It ain't.
39:20It bloody well is, mate.
39:22Oh, dear old Lord.
39:23I've come to the scrap saying that.
39:25Oh, not meant to one all, right?
39:26That's right.
39:26You first, me second.
39:27Yeah, what about Oxton Barbs?
39:28Twice in the second, I put you down.
39:30Three times in the third.
39:31Getting up, though, didn't I?
39:32Didn't I?
39:32I gave you a right idea, though, didn't I?
39:34Yeah, you did.
39:35Yeah.
39:35What about the second one, though?
39:36Oh, definitely.
39:36You two have finished your trip down memory, Liam.
39:40Well, at least we got our heads down and we're not two-fisted,
39:43which is more than you can say for a lot of these today.
39:46Athletes, Terry.
39:46Sportsmen.
39:47I've shot them, son.
39:48They ain't worth fighting over.
39:49That's a fact.
39:50Are you bottling it?
39:52No, I'm not.
39:54I ain't bottled anything in my entire life.
39:56But me and Terry, we go a long way back.
39:59And we're a bit too long in the tooth to go for a decider.
40:02I'll go along with that.
40:03And I'll be straight with you, Mr Rafferty.
40:05So I don't think I'll ever work for you again.
40:07But if it was your missus the lad gave one to,
40:09I'd have stuck up for you.
40:11But give him one of your bit of stuff,
40:13different kettle of fish.
40:14Know what I mean?
40:14There is a subtle difference.
40:16Right.
40:17I mean, scrubbers, fair game for everyone.
40:20Know what I mean?
40:22Oi, Danny.
40:23Come on.
40:24Excuse me, Mr Rafferty.
40:26You're a very lucky boy.
40:33Give him one to my missus.
40:36What's he mean?
40:37I mean, who'd give one to my missus?
40:39Look, I'd pay somebody to give one to my missus.
40:44And another thing.
40:45If I paid a bill, it's only for Lenz.
40:48It's not down to Larkins.
40:50When the FA Cup comes around, you can settle up in tickets.
40:53Oh, dear, oh, dear.
40:54You must have had to put up quite a fight before they kidnapped him.
40:58Big geesers, weren't they?
40:59Enormous.
41:01Yeah, well, let's check out before they spot the damage.
41:04Where are your motors?
41:05Mine's in the basement.
41:06Yeah, in the car park.
41:07Yeah, mine too.
41:07I'll meet you down there as soon as I've settled the bill.
41:10Goodbye.
41:10Yes, sir?
41:15Go now, sweet.
41:16Check it out.
41:16Could I have to do it?
41:26Hey, hold on, hold on.
41:27You sure that's us?
41:28We've only been here one night.
41:30Yes, sir.
41:30Oh, my good God.
41:45No wonder our dusky Arab cousins are moving their caravans on to the pastures new.
41:49You got a pen?
41:51He's a bit tight, your mate, then, is he?
41:53A bit tight.
41:53Do you know how much Dom Perignon is?
41:55No.
41:55He's going to go guarantee when he sees it.
41:58I mean, he's going to go dark, see it now.
42:00Yes, sir, can I have a check for this, miss?
42:02Oh, my God.
42:03Not another one, surely?
42:04You might well scare.
42:06You dirty, disgusting sod.
42:10Leave it out, Jess.
42:11Leave out nothing.
42:13I'm going to blow your brains to buggery.
42:16Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
42:17Listen, we can talk about this, can't we?
42:19Get out of this.
42:20It's none of your business.
42:22You bastard.
42:23Terry!
42:28Oh, hello.
42:37Where'd they come from?
42:39Best wishes and kind regards.
42:42They're from your Uncle Arthur.
42:45Sling it.
42:46Oh, it's a shame to waste it.
42:48Can I take it to maternity for an unmarried mum?
42:51You can do what you like with it.
42:52Sorry, sister.
42:58Student nurse.
42:59Oh, well, give it time.
43:00If he don't want it, he's going back to my dear lady.
43:02Come on.
43:03Would matron please go to casualty?
43:07Pulled it yet?
43:10Yeah, sorry I didn't get in yesterday.
43:12Early indoors, had family over.
43:13You know what that's like.
43:15Oh, dear, oh, dear.
43:16You were lucky to get away with superficial burns.
43:19He could have made a culling that out of you as easy as winking.
43:23Still, a couple of days in here, you'll be as right as round.
43:25Seen the papers?
43:27Look at this.
43:29Vengeance on Barrow.
43:30Farmers fury, farmers on fickle footballer.
43:32Soccer ball day and a half of the field day, I tell you.
43:36Bet you got a nice few bob, didn't you?
43:38Me?
43:39A nice few bob?
43:41What, well, penthouse sweets and don penning on shampoo?
43:43That has cost me an arm and a leg.
43:44What about all this?
43:46I copped for nothing out of that lot.
43:47As soon as that gun went off, I scarpered.
43:50Once, I made sure you were going to be all right.
43:52I could hear the old Bill and the blood wagon coming.
43:55You get a mention in all of them.
43:57They spelt your name wrong.
43:59Will Sister Richards please report to reception?
44:02Fancy wanting to top Randy, Andy.
44:04I tell you, Terry, there are some funny buggers about.
44:07Is Danny all right?
44:09Not a scratch.
44:10You copped a lot.
44:12Well, what's it all in aid of?
44:14Had he given the geezer's daughter one or something?
44:15In every sense of the word.
44:18It's no stopping him, is it?
44:20It's a bit old-fashioned, isn't it?
44:22I mean, if your daughter's in the club, you get her married.
44:25Would you fancy a son-in-law who had also given your missus one?
44:29He never.
44:30Mother and daughter.
44:31Child of them both.
44:32Full house.
44:33Oh, my God.
44:34And there is talk of a first cousin not having had to go without her share.
44:38But that has not been substantiated.
44:40Well, I don't know about football, mate.
44:42But if they ever decide to make Nookie an Olympic event, he's got to be England's captain, hasn't he?
44:47Ah, there's one you haven't seen.
44:49Rakes, he did get his exclusive.
44:51Vadot of Amoose.
44:52Club in Holland's come up with a strong offer.
44:54Holland?
44:54Mm.
44:56Really be tiptoeing through the tulips, wouldn't he?
44:58Oh, dear, those Dutch birds have got no chance.
45:02Well, why not?
45:02I mean, they're never going to get away from him with those little wooden clogs on, are they?
45:06Clip-clop.
45:07Ooh.
45:08Ooh, to Mr. Darnivar.
45:09Ooh, no.
45:10Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
45:12They're not for you, eh?
45:13No, they're for her indoors.
45:21Oh.
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