- 2 days ago
QI S23E15 VG: Part 1
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00:00Music
00:05Music
00:10Music
00:16Music
00:22Oh
00:35One of the things that was fashionable sort of well late 19th century if we're talking about how to woo certainly amongst young Americans
00:42Were flirtation cards
00:45So what you did you printed your details on it and you left it at the home or you place in the hand of somebody that you thought
00:50Oh, you're a bit nice messages might say
00:53May I be permitted the blissful pleasure of escorting you home this evening? That'd be the sort of thing. Okay?
00:58Yeah, if you say in that voice, it's nice. Yeah, can I escort you home?
01:04Oh the desk right Alan what's your card? Well mine are quite practical. Oh, okay. It says all my work guaranteed to bring results
01:17No extra charge for night work
01:20Oh
01:22There's a charge
01:24At the moment I find myself strangely attracted
01:28It's taken ten years
01:33Give me a child before going elsewhere. I mean that's a bit needy
01:39Give me a child before going elsewhere
01:41No extra charge for night work
01:43No extra charge for night work
01:47All my work's guaranteed to bring results
01:49Don't run away, where you going?
01:55Make it stop
01:57I think you need to have a flat cap at the same time
01:59Having your forelock
02:01Yeah, doing that
02:02Okay, that's creepy
02:03Er...
02:04Right, Rosie
02:05Er, okay
02:06Come and see our new lamp
02:09You can turn it down so low that there is scarcely any light at all
02:21P.S. Our sofa just holds two
02:23Is this like an old booty call?
02:29So these flirtation cards were actually very popular and one was used in evidence in a murder trial
02:35Er, in 1879 a man called Edward Reinhardt in New York
02:39He was accused of killing his wife Mary Ann
02:41And the Brooklyn Eagle newspaper reported that he had accepted a flirtation card from a woman in the street
02:49Which suggested he was a man of questionable character
02:52Oh
02:53So it's his fault for accepting the card?
02:56Yeah, I think the fact that he buried his wife in a barrel and married somebody else
03:01Is worse
03:02Yes
03:03He'd be harder to bury a barrel in a wife, wouldn't he?
03:15Now, what have you got, Rasheen?
03:16I've got myself a rat
03:18Hey
03:19What do you reckon? How would you use that to win a war?
03:21Well, I reckon it was love rats
03:23I think they just got a bunch of hot men
03:25Yeah
03:26Or women
03:27Or whoever
03:28Into an area and just sort of got the soldiers
03:31Absolutely horned up
03:33Okay, so it is the use of an actual rat
03:35Diseases
03:36Yeah, plague
03:37Terrible diseases
03:38I mean, that is a thought, it's another kind of biological weapon
03:41No, the idea was, in 1941
03:43The British military intelligence officers filled rodents with explosives
03:47Rat attack
03:48Yes
03:49They made rat bombs
03:53They made rat bombs
03:54The rat is dead
03:55Can I just say
03:56This rat is dead
03:57The rat's not like
03:58Oh, what is that?
04:01Can you hear a ticket?
04:02Can you hear a ticket?
04:05Jesus Christ
04:06Your ticket as well
04:07Your ticket as well
04:08Where are the tickets?
04:09They're not rationing out the Vaseline
04:11Christ
04:12Stop going to be mad
04:13Stop going to be mad
04:14Stop going to be mad
04:15Stop going to be mad
04:16Stop going to be mad
04:18Anyway, the plan was to leave them near factory boiler rooms in Germany
04:22And here was the theory
04:23Somebody in Germany would see a dead rat
04:25And they think, oh, we can't have that there
04:27And they would throw it straight into the furnace
04:29Oh
04:30And then even though it was only a small amount of explosive
04:33Yeah
04:34It would be enough to cause a massive blast
04:36Do you think it worked?
04:37Yes
04:38Rat attack
04:39Somebody said no
04:40I'm going to go with them
04:43It sort of worked
04:44Because the Nazis intercepted the first batch
04:47And they thought that the Allies must be doing this all the time
04:50And they'd hidden loads
04:51So they wasted loads of time looking for rat bombs
04:54And in fact, deactivating rat bombs was studied in German military school
04:59Wow
05:01Now, I've got something which is walrus related
05:04I'm going to have to wear gloves in order to show it to you
05:07What do you think I might be showing you?
05:09Is it a bit of a walrus?
05:10Is it a bit of a walrus?
05:11Yes
05:12It's an astonishing bit
05:13Is it a tusk?
05:14Balls!
05:15Sorry
05:16Weirdly, Nabeel, you are closer
05:17OK
05:18A penis
05:19Well
05:21So
05:22Penis
05:23So you two both get a point
05:24Because male walruses have a penis bone
05:28Or a baculum
05:30And this is such a thing
05:32Wow, it looks like a rounder's back
05:34It's...
05:35They have been used as clubs in the past
05:37This has been lent to us by the Grant Museum
05:39Thought you were going to say it was lent to you by a walrus
05:42LAUGHTER
05:43I want it back
05:44LAUGHTER
05:45The Grant Museum at UCL
05:47Had it since 1828
05:49Do go and have a look
05:50It's the most fantastic museum
05:51Anyway, they've lent us this
05:52So why might...
05:53They lent you a boner?
05:54Yes
05:55Why might they want to have a bone inside that's...
05:58Is it a rudder?
05:59Is it a rudder?
06:00Is it a rudder? No
06:01LAUGHTER
06:02No, it means they can start mating without waiting for an erection
06:05Why doesn't everyone have that?
06:06Who said everyone doesn't?
06:08LAUGHTER
06:10It's an absolute monster
06:12It's...
06:13Tis big, isn't it?
06:14And I say that with no experience whatsoever
06:16LAUGHTER
06:17LAUGHTER
06:18We've got a picture up of all of the planets
06:32Does anybody know...
06:34Does anybody...
06:35LAUGHTER
06:36Does anybody know a mnemonic
06:38to remind themselves of the order of the planets?
06:41Oh...
06:42Chris, do you have one to remind us of?
06:44My...
06:45My...
06:46My...
06:47My vulva...
06:50Eats...
06:51M...
06:52Mice
06:53Erm...
06:55What's next?
06:57LAUGHTER
06:58Jay
06:59Jay
07:00Jolly surprising
07:01LAUGHTER
07:02Yes
07:03My vulva eats mice
07:04Jolly surprising
07:05Unfortunately
07:06Not
07:07Penises
07:09LAUGHTER
07:10APPLAUSE
07:14I mean, if you counted Pluto as the last one...
07:19Well, just for the gag
07:20Just for the gag
07:21Erm...
07:22Let's not let science ruin comedy
07:23No
07:24LAUGHTER
07:25So, we are going to play a quick game of which Welsh word is which?
07:30APPLAUSE
07:32So, we are going to have a list of words put up here and we are going to choose one...
07:42That's just a list of anagrams
07:44LAUGHTER
07:45Let's choose bottom right, let's choose penglog, how do you say it?
07:49Penglog
07:50Oh, correct...
07:51Yeah
07:52Why is she like a native?
07:53LAUGHTER
07:54Right, go for it, penglog
07:56Penglog
07:57Skull
07:58Ellis
07:59Er...
08:00That feeling you get when you've had one pint too many
08:03LAUGHTER
08:04OK
08:05And Griff?
08:06It's the u-bend...
08:07In a toilet
08:09LAUGHTER
08:11LAUGHTER
08:16Ruling out Ellis
08:17Yeah
08:18Because...
08:19Oh, on my 18th birthday I was penglog
08:21Your penglog
08:22You're ruling out Ellis because...
08:23Because it didn't...
08:24It doesn't feel like a thing you'd have a word for but then I have been to Wales quite a lot
08:27LAUGHTER
08:28And by about six o'clock on a Saturday most people are penglog
08:32LAUGHTER
08:33I'm going to go with Griff
08:35It's a u-bend
08:36OK, we're about...
08:37Just because the toilet goes glog sometimes
08:38Fine, OK, penglog
08:39LAUGHTER
08:40The toilet's a bit penglog
08:42Yeah
08:43OK, is that right?
08:44It's onomatopoeic but wrong
08:45Oh, who...so who is it?
08:47It's me
08:48It means skull
08:49It means skull, yes
08:50OK, all right, let's try another one
08:51Let's try...clostinoddy
08:54Clostinoddy
08:55Top of the middle, how do we say it?
08:57Clistnoddy
08:58Clist?
08:59Clistnoddy
09:00So close to rude
09:01OK
09:02Clistnoddy
09:03Right, Griff
09:04Hemorrhoids
09:05LAUGHTER
09:07I'm going to go with that, yes?
09:10When you come back from the shop and the one thing you went to buy you've forgotten
09:15LAUGHTER
09:17Baked beans?
09:20Baked beans?
09:21Hemorrhoids, baked beans or the thing you forgot that you meant to get?
09:25Ellie, OK, the Madalyn...cala...er...ataburr
09:26No, no, no, no, no, no, no...
09:27OK
09:28Didn't be...didn't be scared of you
09:29OK
09:30OK
09:31OK
09:32OK
09:33This is why they banned it
09:34Oh, yeah
09:35APPLAUSE
09:36Can I just say, the producer speaks in my ear and says, none of you have given the correct definitions
09:38LAUGHTER
09:39We had a conversation, and I said...
09:42The producer speaks in my ear and says none of you have given the correct definition
09:52We had a conversation and I said you were meant to give the right answer and he went well, it wasn't me
09:59Okay, we didn't do this
10:01I mean conspiracy
10:152016 BBC radio for broadcaster serialized version of the erotic feminist fiction fear of flying at 1045
10:22In the morning on woman's hour. Yeah uncensored swearing depictions of graphic sex scenes
10:27I've got I've had a terrible mix-up with this book, you know
10:29What so erica jong wrote that book?
10:40Erica jong wrote this book called fear of flying and it was really sexual in a really open
10:45Titillating way and then a decade later maybe two decades later
10:49She writes a book called fear of dying about losing a parent an amazing book about grief
10:54Two people I knew who'd recently lost parents and david baddiel david baddiel
10:59And adam buxton and i wrote them an adjoined email saying i've just read this really incredible book
11:06Do you get me fear of dying erica jong do it so they both read fear of flying
11:18I'm thinking why the fuck is sarah pasco
11:22I can't read something about this shagging woman all the time
11:25Because my mum died
11:27Oh sandy i'd forgotten that nice memory sorry
11:35There are lots of other extinct giant birds there's the thunderbirds
11:37Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa
11:40They're not extinct thunderbirds are go gone
11:43Latterbirds are gone
11:47They remade thunderbirds in the kind of computerized animation way and the kids
11:53Loved it and i said it's not as good as the old one and i showed them the old one and they couldn't believe how long it took
12:00For thunderbird 2 to take off it was in it
12:05Came out of the thing and the palm trees went down and then the thing is how long before it took us in the new one it goes
12:11It's like postman pat it's a similar thing oh he's in a helicopter now he's in a helicopter that for me that's too much
12:20Yeah
12:20The whole episode used to be he's taking someone a birthday card and now no wonder the post office is in financial trouble
12:31To go from village to village because of the emergency parcel they're all blaming it on the postmaster stealing money
12:36I
12:38Do not want to hear about postman pat's chopper
12:44By the way just as an aside yes, there's like a kind of inside joke that he's
12:49Shagging his way around greendale really and if you look at all the kids in the school look like postman pat
12:55I
12:59Was at paddington station not that long ago and there was a young young boy
13:04Who i hadn't got his phone and i taught him how to use a payphone wow and it was one of the nicest moments of my life
13:11Are you sure it wasn't a defibrillator?
13:13I
13:17Was about to see my kitchen and had the tv on in the living room next door and i heard myself
13:25Saying something i'd never heard lines i'd never learned i was like what is happening
13:30And i went in the other room and it was alistair mcgowan
13:34It wasn't even you and i'd previously thought he didn't do me very well
13:38But he absolutely fooled me in my own home
13:42He's a seriously good impressionist that man can i just confirm he was on the television and not in your front room
13:50I've got a thing which i think this is very good
13:53So what i've got in here is some white powder
13:57Explosives bicarbonate of soda so it's often made from ground rose hips which are very drugs prickly
14:04It's itching powder
14:06It's itching powder so in the second world war the allied spies would dust nazi bedsheets with itching powder
14:12My favorite norwegian resistance people even coated the inside of condoms and sent them for free
14:27Sent them for free to brothels
14:29Let's move on to your one alan a watch what might you do in the wilderness to save yourself with a watch
14:36You could use it to direct sunlight yes and uh burn ants
14:45Light a fire like that well you could you have to take the convex lens cover off and use it to direct sunlight to create some fire
14:52You could okay it has to be an analog watch and not a digital one but the main thing that you can do is use it as a compass
14:59Can you yes?
15:00So if you point the hour hand at the sun in the northern hemis
15:10Okay, so you point the hour hand at the sun and we are in the northern hemisphere
15:14The point between the hour hand and 12 o'clock roughly faces south
15:18In the southern hemisphere it roughly faces north oh wow doesn't that depend what time it is
15:29Right the other cup in the picture is a pythagoras cup and you two have a pythagoras so we do
15:35Okay, can you put it on a tray for me now?
15:38What I would like you to do please is to fill your cup
15:41Don't overfill it okay is the thing that I'm going to say
15:47Should I keep going well, yes, I just keep going oh
15:50Oh, it's leaking oh no oh oh oh you've overfilled it oh oh you idiot yeah yeah
15:59Well that's a shame isn't it
16:01Just for ruining qr
16:02We did it really well
16:05Get on your knees please turn this round
16:07What did you say it's magic?
16:08It's magic it's not coming out of the bottom until it is coming out of the bottom what are you talking about?
16:12So when it went above when it went above the proboscis yes, yes, I want to call it
16:17It started leaking out of the bottom
16:18So the theory is that pythagoras invented this to stop his students becoming greedy
16:22Because if any of them poured themselves too much wine the entire contents would drain away
16:28So what happens let me show you I've got one here
16:31The whole thing's emptied now it's fully emptied
16:33It's fully emptied
16:34How's that?
16:34Well, that is a siphon effect
16:36So it's got this thing in the middle and it has a hole the other end and I will show you how it works on the chart here
16:50It's got a hole in the bottom here and the water or the wine can all go all the way up here
16:55If you only fill it to here you can see that the wine doesn't go down through
17:00But if you fill it above
17:03Then the siphon effect starts immediately like getting petrol out of a it is exactly like that darling
17:09And what will happen is all of it will pour out the bottom so the idea is to not fill it above the column
17:16I always wondered how the fabric softener got out of the tray in the washing machine
17:22Wow, you really need to get out more
17:24I don't know
17:28Practicing my signature came into its own when I signed the largest check in the history of this country
17:35When you were the lord commissioner of the treasury?
17:36I was a lord commissioner of the treasury and I signed a check for 137 billion pounds
17:42What did you buy?
17:44Social security payments first quarter
17:47Every bit of government expenditure has to be signed off by a treasury minister and I was the junior treasury minister
17:54The lord commissioner of the treasury who had to do this
17:56They explained to me with these big checks the billion pound checks you'll be doing them with the head of the treasury
18:01I said who's that they said it was the queen
18:03So I would go down the mile with the government checkbook to sign these huge checks with the queen
18:07Our signatures together and the first time I did this I wasn't sure what the etiquette was you know
18:11I didn't want to patronize her because she was a woman saying after you or indeed pull rank because I was the elected one anyway
18:16she was
18:23She was holding the pen and she seemed to think she should sign first so I let her big loopy handwriting elizabeth r
18:29And then I put mine underneath almost as big but I know my place
18:31And the last time we did this this was the check for 137 billion pounds
18:37It was she who told me it was the largest check
18:39She had ever signed and she said you know the way the government insists on the two of us signing these checks
18:44I can't help wondering which of the two of us it is the government doesn't entirely trust
18:48What about in wallace and gromit when the penguin puts the glove on its head?
19:04It's one of my favorite things that's ever happened in film
19:07And then everyone thinks it's a chicken
19:10You know i've got a 12 year old friend of mine and i said to her i said have you been watching any films over christmas?
19:15And she said oh i loved that film about the gay couple they were drinking a lot of tea and talking about cheese
19:21And i said are you talking about wallace and gromit
19:25And she said and she said yes i said what made you think it was a gay couple she said oh he keeps going
19:30So now our sign for anybody we think might be gay we all go
19:46Who communicates by wobbling their melons
19:52Certain actresses in films starring benny hill in the 1960s
19:58Barbara windsor we're back to the welsh young farmers again aren't we
20:03So we're still with whales
20:05So here's all the different kinds that there are and one of them communicates by wobbling their melons
20:09Which one do you think it might oh is it is it the beluga it is the beluga and i like that you just did that because
20:17They look like they need coloring in
20:19So they live in the arctic similar kind of length and weight as a volkswagen beetle okay
20:26That's kind of how big they are and so they have these big bumps on the front of their heads
20:30They're made of a waxy fat and they can change the shape of it at will and that is how they communicate
20:38They order them 30 times more often when they're socializing than when they're alone the latest research shows let's have a quick look
20:44Because it is sort of astonishing
20:48Oh that's what my kids are like when they have ice cream
20:54Brain freeze brain freeze
20:57So it seems to be associated with courtship but obviously there is a whole language there that we haven't decoded looks painful
21:03I can't i'm not doing this
21:05Yes it does like you just say yes or no are you into me or not
21:14In ethiopia there is a walled city of harar how do you think the recycling is done in this city
21:21Are they have they got the bins they've got the wee bit it's nothing to do with bins are they are they using pigs it is an animal to chew glass
21:29Well it's not necessarily glass it's all the other stuff all of the waste products that you might put out a tiny weevils
21:35No hyenas
21:38When it gets dark they let them in through a series of hyena doors and they eat whatever is left in the streets and because they're nocturnal
21:46They go back to their dens during the day
21:48I don't think they could do glass any but they can bite they can bite through bone
21:51Yeah, fine and digest anything from hair to hooves
21:56And because of their diet their poo is almost entirely white like the dogs in the 80s remember yes white dog poo is making a return
22:05Because everyone's doing raw food my dogs poo white after 24 hours. Well, I mean, thank you
22:10It comes out why it doesn't it comes out dark within 24 hours it's gone white darling
22:17Are you not supposed to pick it up in a bag you're not supposed to leave it for 25 hours and go back and see how it is
22:22It's a really sordid version of autumn watch
22:26Just sitting there watching a poo turn white over two evenings
22:30We need to pull a pashmina out of my dog's arse
22:35Must never pull it's gotta go through naturally that's why it died
22:40It's more of people yeah live longer than taller people yes, yes, but smaller species
22:51Have a shorter lifespan than bigger species so within a species right or being a smaller version of it statistically you'll both outlive us
22:59You sound like a man on a first date. Yes
23:01Thank you
23:10And furthermore and furthermore you will fit nicely into the boat of my car
23:13So i'm just going to warn you now i'm going to show you some whale porn
23:22So some whales gray whales right whales they're made in triads and basically they have a wingman that stops the couples drifting apart
23:28Jokes so the threesome is just two animals and one being like no no no
23:35Don't back it
23:37No
23:39You know the wonderful song moon river by johnny merceau it's got a great line in it my huckleberry friend
24:00It's one of the kind of great lyrics of all time
24:02And huckleberry was a placeholder by johnny merceau when he was writing it because he wanted that sound
24:09And he thought i'll just put that in for a moment and then they recorded it and it has now become one of the great lyrics of all time
24:14I never knew what apple bottom jeans were
24:26She got the flow
24:36It's the young people's turn
24:40And as soon as some young people turn up
24:44Oh
24:49You've each got a candle can you guess what those candles are meant to smell like
24:55So let's start with you alan what's your art that smells like
25:02That's horrendous what it is it's garlicky and acrid and i don't know why anybody would want this it's supposed to smell of mustard gas
25:10Oh
25:12Could you just poison alan for a question
25:15It's for people who want to evoke first world war battlefields
25:20I mean that really sounds a lovely song for a dinner party
25:24Come in sit down a bit of mustard gas
25:26Yes
25:27Uh kiriad what what is your one is that vinegar
25:30Oh chips it's cheese and onion oh is it oh crisps yeah
25:34Deliso mine's actually quite pleasant i can't place it but i know this then
25:38Is it like licorice or something well it's petrol oh
25:42Oh give us it here
25:47Do you not remember when you're younger at the petrol station rolling down the window when your mum was filling up the tank and just goes
25:52No here's the thing the smell of petrol is why one might like it it temporarily suppresses the nervous system
26:03So it gives you a sort of euphoric feeling but it's incredibly bad for you because the chemicals
26:08Disrupt messaging in the brain as well as the ability of the blood to carry oxygen
26:13But that candle promises the joys of that forbidden fragrance without brain damage
26:18Oh
26:20I mean if you did it a lot when you were younger like it you'd be fine
26:26Just sniff your candle darling what have you got what do you think that is
26:32What you don't like it that is is it vomit no it's not what is it human breast milk
26:48I feel we're on a theme with you
26:54It's making me feel very uncomfortable delisa give us some more petrol
27:06Here's another song that was originally written for new year but what is the first line
27:18No what's gonna say la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
27:33Is it deck the holes with something and holly
27:36So I asked for the original lyrics and it's an old Welsh tune called Norsgallen or New Year
27:47and the oldest version of the lyrics are translated into English as this
28:02Oh, I like that
28:06Oh, how soft my fair one's bosom absolute filth
28:14Let's all go and join the choir and sing off you go people
28:17Oh, how soft my fair one's bosom
28:22Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
28:25Oh, I sing the grog in bosom
28:28Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la
28:30I sing the guitar
28:31I sing the guitar
28:31Oh, I sing the guitar
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