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00:00MUSIC
00:24Good evening.
00:25Welcome to Would I Lie To You,
00:27the show where dishonesty is sometimes the best policy.
00:30On David Mitchell's team tonight,
00:32joining us for his first time,
00:34it's comedian Josh Pugh.
00:39And here to boost all our self-esteem,
00:42it's musician and actress Rebecca Lucy Taylor.
00:48And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
00:50comedian and star of Sorry I Didn't Know,
00:53it's Eddie Caddy.
00:57And she is one hull of a mystery,
01:01it's comedian Lucy Beaumont.
01:07So, to round one, home truths,
01:09where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.
01:12To make things harder, they've never seen the card before,
01:15they have no idea what they'll be faced with.
01:17It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
01:21And Lucy, your first up.
01:24The other day I took a sick bee to the vet.
01:28David's team.
01:29Oh.
01:30Bumble or honey?
01:31I think it was a honey bee.
01:33And where did you find this sick bee?
01:35Just on a path.
01:36And I was taking a cat to the vet anyway.
01:39So, I thought I'll take the bee with me as well.
01:43Did you know the cat previously,
01:45or had you found that on the same day as well?
01:47No, I brought the cat from Rill.
01:52We had to go to Rill to pick it up.
01:54And was this the day you'd picked up the cat?
01:57No, no, it was time for the kitten to get, you know,
02:00the procedure done.
02:01A boy or a girl?
02:03Why?
02:04Oh, a little Welsh boy cat.
02:05Yeah.
02:06Have you been done, Rob?
02:08Not yet.
02:10And if I said its name in a Welsh accent,
02:12it would come to me.
02:14Oh, right.
02:15What's its name?
02:16Otter.
02:17In Welsh?
02:18Otter.
02:19I would have thought if you,
02:24if you found a little insect like that in the street,
02:26rather than the vets,
02:28you'd be better taking it to the waspital.
02:30Oh.
02:31But it was a B.
02:33A and B there.
02:36He's had a team of people working on that for the last six minutes.
02:42Did it survive?
02:44No.
02:45Oh.
02:46It's a sad ending.
02:47I took it to the vet.
02:49Yeah.
02:50And I put it on the ground,
02:52and then I stood on it.
02:54Deliberately?
02:56No, I just forgot it was on the floor.
02:59I mean, I put the cat down, and I had to put...
03:01You put the cat down?
03:05You really took him in to get the snip.
03:09I don't know why you put the bee down on...
03:11Where do you want me to put the bee?
03:12On a chair, on a counter.
03:14There wasn't a chair for a bee.
03:16What is this room furnished with?
03:19Dogs.
03:20Dogs.
03:21So all the chairs had dogs on them?
03:25Yeah.
03:26Was there no, like, reception desk, or was that covered in dogs?
03:29What are you thinking, Rebecca?
03:31Do you think she's making all this up, or could it be true?
03:34I think it's definitely true.
03:36Because?
03:37Solidarity with women.
03:38Yeah.
03:39Yeah, I'm not sure that's going to fare you well in this game.
03:43What do you think, Josh?
03:45I'm happy to believe women.
03:47Yeah.
03:48If Lucy's lying, then that does set that movement back.
03:51I think it's a lie.
03:53But if she was making it up, why wouldn't she have said she put the bee on the counter or the chair?
04:01The fact that we find that more plausible means she would probably find that more plausible,
04:05so that's what she probably would have invented.
04:07But under these weird circumstances where this vet that obviously specialises in dogs,
04:13so it feels like an irresponsible place to take a cat, but we'll leave that.
04:17Maybe she did put it on the floor and she did tread on it.
04:20And would she have invented that?
04:22Treading on the bee, she's going to get death threats for killing a bee.
04:26LAUGHTER
04:27So, suddenly, its very implausibility makes it seem more likely.
04:31And that is why I am so tired.
04:34LAUGHTER
04:42So, what are we saying?
04:44I've actually bottled it and I'm going to believe women.
04:46LAUGHTER
04:49True.
04:50True.
04:51True.
04:52True.
04:53Lucy, they think it's true.
04:54Was that tale true or was it actually a lie?
04:56It was a...
04:58Lie.
04:59Ah!
05:00Oh, no!
05:01APPLAUSE
05:02It's a lie.
05:04Lucy didn't take a sick fee to the vets.
05:08Josh, you're next.
05:09OK.
05:10Me and my mates once stole a chair from KFC every night until we had a full patio set.
05:19LAUGHTER
05:20These two.
05:21Right.
05:22LAUGHTER
05:23I mean, the first thing I have to ask is, are they not bolted down?
05:27They are now.
05:28LAUGHTER
05:30We're not talking a domestic KFC here, Lee.
05:33This was on a Greek island.
05:34Oh!
05:35They do things a little bit differently over there.
05:37What was the problem that you had to go to KFC?
05:40So, we're in a very bad hotel with no furniture, no pool, actually.
05:43It's like a courtyard with rooms across the...
05:45Just dogs everywhere.
05:46LAUGHTER
05:47One guy came back with a chair, like, oh, that's good.
05:49And then the next day somebody else got a chair, then it became a thing that you've...
05:52What were the sleeping arrangements?
05:54Er, beds.
05:55I know that.
05:56LAUGHTER
05:57Because you'd been to Ikea on the Monday.
05:59LAUGHTER
06:01And what was your technique when you would go into this fast food outlet and you'd spy a chair?
06:06My technique was to run.
06:08Get it and run.
06:09You ran all the way from the chicken shop.
06:12But you've got to think this is 2006, 2007.
06:15Oh, well, fair enough.
06:16LAUGHTER
06:18Another thing to say here is we're talking about theft like it's all a bit of fun,
06:24but that poor chicken shop was probably struggling to survive.
06:27Because they haven't got many branches, have they?
06:29No, they've not.
06:30They took it quite badly, because...
06:32Oh, they found out?
06:33They clocked on and would then start chasing us, then, by day five and six,
06:37when people were getting chased with tables.
06:39LAUGHTER
06:40Oh, sorry!
06:41You're now running off with tables.
06:43Day four, we've got four seats, having a good time.
06:45But you need... We wanted more.
06:47LAUGHTER
06:48What happened at the end of the week? How did this end?
06:51Well, they began to recognise us, essentially.
06:53Right.
06:54I don't know why we all went every night. That probably wasn't helpful.
06:56LAUGHTER
06:58Lucy, does this strike you as true?
07:01I'm going to say, well...
07:04Thanks for that. And what about you?
07:07LAUGHTER
07:08I'm looking at you right now thinking, are you the type of guy?
07:10Look at me, let me focus.
07:12George...
07:13Yeah, you're the type of guy.
07:15LAUGHTER
07:16Josh, if it is true, maybe you'd like to apologise.
07:20LAUGHTER
07:21Erm...
07:22I'm sorry for what we did.
07:23As a collective, I regret it.
07:25LAUGHTER
07:27If I could take it back...
07:29Literally, I would take it back. I'm sorry.
07:31LAUGHTER
07:33Is he telling the truth?
07:34True.
07:35I think it's true.
07:36Lee, true.
07:37Did you still think it's true, Josh?
07:38Was it true or were you making that up?
07:40It was...
07:41True.
07:42APPLAUSE
07:50It's true.
07:51Josh did steal chairs from her chicken shop.
07:53Rebecca, you're next.
07:55Right.
07:58For the past two years, I have used the name of a famous actor
08:01as part of my vocal warm-up.
08:03Ooh!
08:04Ooh!
08:05OK, Lee's team.
08:06Tell us the name of the famous actor.
08:08Erm...
08:09John Sim.
08:10John Sim?
08:11Oh, John Sim from Life on Mars.
08:13Life on Mars, Doctor Who.
08:14Many other things.
08:15I don't know who he is.
08:16You know John Sim?
08:17No.
08:18He was the master in Doctor Who.
08:19He's been on this show.
08:20He's been on this show, yeah.
08:21He sat in that chair.
08:22He sat next to you when you were on.
08:23LAUGHTER
08:24Not that side, there's no-one since that side.
08:25LAUGHTER
08:27You don't know who John Sim is?
08:28No, I've never read of him.
08:29Well, John, if you're watching now, I'm sorry.
08:31LAUGHTER
08:36Well, first of all, why John Sim?
08:39Well, he came to see me play live.
08:41And you met him?
08:42Yes, he came backstage.
08:44Where was this, Rebecca?
08:45Er...
08:46Brighton.
08:47The dome?
08:48Er...
08:49No, smaller.
08:50The arena?
08:51Smaller than that.
08:52The pub?
08:53Erm...
08:54A bit bigger than that, but not much.
08:55Somewhere between the pub and the dome?
08:56Yes.
08:57OK.
08:58Oh, I played it.
08:59You know, do you remember it on the way up?
09:00Yeah.
09:01You're looking forward to it.
09:02LAUGHTER
09:03Yeah, I wasn't quite sure how to take that, then.
09:05I couldn't tell if that was a compliment or an insult, I was going...
09:08No, I couldn't either.
09:09LAUGHTER
09:10What is your John Sim routine?
09:13He comes backstage and I, for some reason, go...
09:16Cos they've got a big band, and I say,
09:18star of stage and screen, John Sim.
09:20You said that.
09:21I introduced him like that, and he was like,
09:22why have you done that?
09:23That's weird.
09:24That was your opening line to him?
09:25That's what I did.
09:26And then we started to do...
09:28John Sim, star of stage...
09:30Oh!
09:31..and screen, John Sim, star...
09:33Of stage and screen, John Sim, star of...
09:35Stage and screen, John Sim...
09:36Oh, to the tune of Knees Up Mother Brown.
09:38Sorry, I just thought it was can-can song.
09:40LAUGHTER
09:41So it's...
09:42John Sim, star of stage...
09:43And screen, John Sim, star of stage...
09:46And screen, John Sim, star of stage...
09:48And screen, John Sim, star of stage...
09:50Wow!
09:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
09:54Do you know who I was playing?
09:56John Sim, star of stage and screen, John Sim, star of...
09:58How did you know?
09:59John Sim, star of...
09:59John Sim, star of stage and screen, John Sim, star of stage and...
10:01star of stage and...
10:03Star of stage and...
10:04Star of stage and...
10:05Star of stage and screen.
10:06vable organisation happy too...
10:08Yeah.
10:09Have you got a musical theatre background?
10:12LAUGHTER
10:13Rob doesn't really like to sing.
10:14LAUGHTER
10:15All people checking his background.
10:17Fucking bloody puzzle.
10:18what do you think I believe it why only because I've just got this solidarity
10:28with women the team says true so we're gonna say it's true Rebecca is it true
10:40or was it a lie our next round is called this is my where we bring on a mystery guest who has a
10:55close connection to one of our panelists this week each of lee's team will claim it's them that has
11:01the genuine connection to the guests it's up to david's team to spot who's telling the truth
11:05so please welcome this week's special guest Glyn
11:16so Eddie what is Glyn to you this is Glyn we both spent one night's sleep in the window of a bed
11:22shop right Lucy how do you know Glyn this is Glyn I can no longer look him in the eye after what
11:29he can't be doing in the living room finally Lee what's your relationship with Glyn this is Glyn
11:36I have been his best man at all five of his weddings
11:42so there we have it David's team where will you begin Eddie what was this bed shop why were you in
11:48the window overnight I was working for a best shop in Kingston I used to work in a warehouse a guy here
11:53then he was a delivery man so it's a full-time job or a part-time no it's a part-time job it's my final
11:57year of uni and what were you studying media technology so not a proper course
12:06that's what I mean not a proper course
12:09Glyn did what did you say he was a delivery guy the driver driver are you saying that you spent the
12:14night we spent the night the the shop window it was up a promotion night so the owner got the driver
12:21of the
12:24Glyn keep it together Glyn he never does is his toll that's why he's been married five times
12:31the owner of the shop was a madman Josh he always had crazy ideas right and the thing is
12:36myself and it loved me because every time he came down I used to tell him about you know
12:40be raised in the Congo we used to have these great conversations right funniest guy in the world I
12:44know he doesn't look like that before he looks like he likes a lot tell you what he likes sleeping
12:50with his wife sisters
12:51so to be clear you and Glyn here both bonded about growing up in the Congo
13:08listen this guy taught me how to dance to Congolese music
13:11show them Glyn come on remember
13:18so what happened then but yeah so Josh came one they said I want to do a promotion but guys
13:23how would you feel about spending the night in my store I'm going to get the local uh
13:27photographer to come down the papers should come down spend the night and then the shop window people
13:32will be seeing you were you in the same bed you in the snow no we had two separate beds the funny
13:36thing is it got to about three in the morning and um he needed to go um to the toilet right but the
13:42thing is he was told try your best not to actually shift you know until later on so try your best not
13:50to shift oh shift yeah
13:53it's all the same thing we all did yeah that would be a hell of a bit of advice from the supervisor
13:59stay in there and the number one rule yeah don't you know what and the press came the local
14:07Kingston paper wow I mean you say wow Rob in order to get a local paper to come and take a picture of
14:13something what you have to do is ask them oh thank god something to put in the paper now if you are
14:21satisfied with Eddie you you can move on I think where we are with it is it could have happened
14:26but it might not have happened so yeah I'd be interested to hear from the other two as well
14:31that might help okay let's move on to Lucy Lucy Beaumont hello hello um now you say you can't look
14:41Glyn in the eye because of something he saw you do yeah what was that thing he caught me squirting
14:48breast milk into a pepper pig bowl
14:58wow and why were you doing that oh firstly was it your own breast milk or someone else
15:03it was my mother's
15:13it was my own yeah this might help with this what why was Glyn there
15:22oh because Glyn was doing the electrics on the house
15:35but I didn't know I didn't know I didn't know please say no again
15:40what didn't you do I thought he'd gone you thought he'd left for the day yeah and so you were
15:49expressing breast milk into a pepper pig bowl yeah is the branding of the bowl important to the
15:54story no it was the only thing that was um there I needed to do it quickly okay and and then he what
16:02he just wandered into the living room I've just horrible did he say he was the electrician
16:07coming in with a black coffee gun you got your milk
16:13uh no
16:16my baby she'd had a really really long nap you see and if you miss a feed
16:23well it doesn't disappear yeah it comes out right
16:29so he walks into the room what happens next he said to me why are you wearing my shirt
16:38i wasn't expecting that
16:42because i'd had a nap and when i woke up i was a bit cold so i put a shirt on
16:47and i didn't know it was his shirt so when he saw what you were doing what did he do
16:53he ran out so he asked you first right why are you wearing my shirt yeah then you said i don't know
17:00you're very interested in this story eddie for someone who knows for a fact that this is your friend
17:06who is sitting in a shop
17:12did he finish the job the electrics job
17:17i haven't actually seen him properly since he's a friend of my dad so he still sees my dad
17:23and had he finished the electric job that day but he tends to not finish a lot of jobs he does
17:30all right now shall we move on you could yes remind us lee of your claim
17:35this is glenn i've been the best man at his wedding five times please name the five wives
17:40i'll name them alphabetically first one was annabelle
17:46second one was brenda i think the third one was i'm gonna say allison
17:54i thought you were doing it alphabetically no i changed my mind
17:58the fourth one was fiona fiona that is actually fourth alphabetically as well which is interesting
18:05the last one was called zina
18:13and how do you know him because you must have a very close relationship we were actually
18:17at school together you went to school yes
18:21what does glenn do for a living these days he's electrician
18:24the wedding to annabelle where was it oh gosh now we are going back because the first one was
18:41was a long time ago yeah i want to say chichester but i can't because it wasn't there
18:46it was a big doing a church then a reception and a hotel and then
19:01second one registry office do reception in a pub reception sort of thing and then there was a sort
19:05of do in a pub the third one was that one of those posh wedding venues where they you're going to have
19:09the service and then the do all in the same place it was all in the same place okay it was
19:14the fourth one just actually a very private affair with just a couple of very it was very
19:17private and um there wasn't a couple of friends there the fifth one of course we were aware of
19:22because it was in st paul's cathedral
19:27who is your personal favorite wife whoa i'd probably say zina because it's the only one i can
19:32remember from the list did you do the same speech each one no i changed the names
19:41is glenn court at the moment courting no he's in court funny enough
19:48what's he in court for voyeurism of lactation
19:54i just wondered if there'd ever been any chemistry between you and these many wives you're asking if i
19:59slept with his wife aren't you just when will you ever forgive me
20:02all right we need an answer so is glenn eddie's bed buddy lucy's awkward acquaintance or lee's
20:18married mate anyone you want to rule out at this stage for example lee
20:24i think he's an electrician this guy do you think he's an electrician a daughter but but an
20:31electrician by trade what are you thinking rebecca i think it's the breast milk glenn has got the look
20:38of an electrician yeah as you know he looks about registered to me this guy wait wait just so you
20:48don't think this man is congolese i just want to be josh yeah lucy for me yeah we can pull it back
20:56with this point okay we're hoping to score a point by saying that lucy has been telling the truth okay
21:02glenn would you please reveal your true identity hi my name's glenn and lucy can't look me in the eye
21:09yes glenn is lucy's awkward acquaintance thank you very much glenn
21:23which brings us to our final round quickfire lies and we start with
21:27it's david because i have such a small gullet whenever i have a headache rather than struggle
21:38to swallow a tablet i have two squirts of cowpole
21:45these two um okay do you do your own square or does victoria do it for you i can self-squirt that's fine
21:53do you remember the first time you realized this is an issue oh i mean about 15 seconds ago i always
22:02had terrible trouble with tablets and so it was a great relief when we had our daughter i discovered
22:09this form of paracetamol that was you know so easy to ingest and how much are you having of it i have
22:16two squirts have you ever overdone it no not not on the paracetamol david's never overdone it in any
22:25area of his life talk me through the process every detail well in the manufacturing process no no no
22:32what do you take it there's a bottle of it yes and you take the top off the bottle do you struggle
22:37with the top i do sometimes you have to push and turn yes yeah my daughter shows me how
22:42then you you put there's a sort of syringe-y thing it's just a squirty tube really and then you put
22:49that in the top and then you invert the bottle frightening moment but it usually goes okay then
22:55you pull out the plunger it fills with cowpole reverse remove squirt golden
23:05david have you tried any other method why i found a method that works while stealing your daughter's
23:11there's no i start stealing it i mean let's be honest she doesn't buy her own cowpole does she
23:18well i have one more question oh yes do you eat hair snacks hair snacks
23:31hair snacks no no if you wouldn't nick her snacks why would you nick her medicine that's my theory
23:39what are you thinking lee i think it's a lie and you think it's a lie i think it's a lie they think
23:46it's a lie david was it a lie or was it true it was a lie
23:50ah yes it's a lie david doesn't have a small go up next it is josh
24:03last year i wanted dogs who looked like their owners competition even though i'd not entered
24:07i'd just stopped to watch
24:08okay first of all where was it it was at a town and country show what dog one can we guess
24:19feel free poodle no
24:22shit zoo you just wanted to say that didn't you yeah it's best dog that came from now it's best to call
24:28them shift zoos
24:32was it a labradoodle i'm not a dog expert but i'll tell you what what a good looking dog it was
24:38did you have a dog with you when you stumbled upon this i had no dog with me at all i was there
24:43just with my wife and kids so you went in with someone else's dog yeah he approached me yeah he
24:48says you look like my dog it's a bold opener that what did you have to do in the competition just
24:56had to parade do a little story about the dog and just oh do tell obviously i would never do it on
25:02this show but i had to lie at the time about what did you say just that it was my dog and i'd had him
25:08since a pup and all this did you know its name it was hugo it was called hugo what did you say what
25:13was the story just said like i'd rescued him from from uh you know the brink really
25:22it was a close call between me and second place right but what sealed it was the twinkle in the
25:28dog's eye right okay and the way you urinate what are you thinking eddie the dog's called hugo yeah no
25:40hugo who calls the dog hugo well it's the opposite of stay
25:51so what are you going to say let's go with true true yeah true i will go with my team and say
25:56it's true and then and then blame them okay they're saying it's true josh was it true or was it a
26:01lie it was a lie it was a lie it's a lie josh does not look like his dog next it's lucy
26:16once on a train i was the victim of a snack attack describe the snack attack please sorry firstly are
26:24you okay david i was on a train and i fell asleep and there was a gang of teenagers and then i woke
26:34up and they got off the you know a wagon wheel they'd parted a wagon wheel and they'd stick it to my forehead
26:44while you were asleep yeah and you didn't realize until they'd left i woke up and i could see them
26:50getting off laughing and then and i could feel i had a a wagon wheel on my forehead there's a lot of
26:58gangs of kids actually that do carry wagon wheels now is this an isolated incident lucy or have other
27:06things like this ever happened to you ever since that happened i'd been looking as anything humiliating
27:11like that ever happened to someone else in public and then i saw a woman i was on the way to a gig
27:17and she had you know one of them massive rollers in her hair you know just in a fringe yes like
27:22that she was stood at a bus stop and a boy on a bike went past and put a sausage through it
27:38rebecca what are you thinking well i'm ever so sorry that happened do you think it's true
27:44yes okay josh what do you think sadly robbed the way this country's going at the moment i think
27:49it's true well david they've made it very easy i think it's true as well lucy we all think it's true
28:00was it true or was it a lie it is oh that noise signals time is up it's the end of the show
28:15i can reveal that lee's team has won by four points to three
28:23thanks for watching we'll see you next time good night
28:45thank you
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