- 1 week ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Tonight on 22 Minutes,
00:02Saskatchewan Premier Scott Moe goes to China,
00:04we watch America's newest game show,
00:06a new Barbie is barely getting by,
00:08and Trump keeps on winning.
00:1022 Minutes starts now!
00:28Enjoy your flight.
00:29Next, please.
00:3212 C,
00:33and I'll just need to see that it fits in the sizer.
00:35Whatever.
00:39Oh, no, no, no, that won't do.
00:40What, my bag fits?
00:41I need to see that you fit in the sizer, sir.
00:44Excuse me?
00:45Introducing WestJet's passenger sizer.
00:48Check the size of your ass.
00:51People are waiting, sir.
00:53This is crazy!
01:01It's too tight!
01:03I'm gonna continue with boarding.
01:05Next.
01:0712 C, A. Enjoy your flight.
01:0912 C, A. Where's that?
01:12On his lap.
01:13What?
01:14I'll frig right off!
01:16I need to verify your ass width prior to boarding.
01:19Sorry, buddy.
01:20It's my sister's wedding.
01:21No, no, no, no, no, no.
01:23On my hip!
01:26WestJet.
01:27Flying high while we sink to new lows.
01:30And coming soon, WestJet's stackable fares.
01:39Welcome to the show!
01:40This week, the Prime Minister strengthened trade ties with a partner he says is reliable, predictable,
01:45and aligned with Canada's values.
01:48You guessed it!
01:49China!
01:51Just months ago, Kearney called Beijing our greatest security threat.
01:55But since then, someone else snagged the top spot.
01:58So milk would help your cognitive ability?
02:01Absolutely.
02:02You can tell who's been...
02:03Taking cognitive tests?
02:05I've taken a lot of them.
02:08I've aced every one of them, because I drink milk.
02:11It's actually a legal definition, whole milk.
02:15And it's whole with a W, for those of you that have a problem.
02:20Sorry, America, we can't trust a guy who loves dairy so much his brain is cottage cheese.
02:27For this crucial trade mission, Kearney brought along all the heavy hitters.
02:31Foreign Affairs Minister Anita Anand, Saskatchewan Premier Scott Moe,
02:36and Agricultural Minister Heath MacDonald, though it might be the last diplomatic trip for old Heath.
02:42And you know, Kearney's thinking, Heath, stop embarrassing me in front of my new friends.
02:43As part of the deal, Beijing agrees with me.
02:44And you know, Kearney's thinking, Heath, stop embarrassing me in front of my new friends.
02:57As part of the deal, Beijing agreed to buy more Canadian energy, lumber, canola, even pet food.
03:16All Kearney had to do was roll over.
03:18In exchange, Canada will allow 49,000 Chinese electric cars into the Canadian market,
03:25which is great for Canadians who want to fight climate change,
03:28but don't want to be seen in an incel tank.
03:33The deal has its critics.
03:35Ontario Premier Doug Ford thinks the deal is terrible for autoworkers,
03:38and warned that it would not go over well with President Trump.
03:42So brace yourself for the President's wrath.
03:45That's what he should be doing.
03:46I mean, it's a good thing for him to sign a trade deal.
03:49If you can get a deal with China, you should do that.
03:51What?
03:54I mean, Trump doesn't sound like himself.
03:56Somebody get this guy his special milk.
03:59So Kearney's crack team got the deal they wanted,
04:02and they couldn't have done it without Saskatchewan Premier Scott Moe.
04:06Um, good luck in there, Prime Minister.
04:15I'll hold down the Ford out here.
04:19Hello!
04:21As you all know, I'm Scott Moe.
04:24The Premier of Saskatchewan.
04:27I've come all the way from Regina.
04:29And as we like to say, you can't spell Regina without China.
04:34You're probably hearing a lot about Canadian resources like gold or oil.
04:40Well, hang on.
04:41What if you could put them together?
04:43Can't be done, right?
04:44Well, yes, it canola.
04:47Say hello to my little friend.
04:49Canola oil.
04:50The dairy of the prairies.
04:52Take a whiff of that.
04:53Come on, have a whiff of that.
04:57Picture this.
04:58You're cooking, but your food is too darn dry.
05:00You roll out of olive oil.
05:02Never fear.
05:03Canola's here.
05:04Come on.
05:05Give me a shot.
05:07You gals like shots?
05:09Fine!
05:10Be like that!
05:13Woo!
05:14Corner gas.
05:15You know, corner gas!
05:18Could Danielle Smith do this with her oil?
05:23You know how I got to be in charge of this Saskatchewan?
05:26Huh?
05:27With the same shape.
05:29Big rectangle!
05:30Yeah, me and Carney are pretty tight.
05:34He calls me John.
05:36This fun little bit we have where he completely forgets my name.
05:42What am I doing here?
05:43I wasn't even invited.
05:45Come on, buddy.
05:46You gotta help me, okay?
05:47I can't go back there empty-handed.
05:49Buy some oil.
05:50I'll do anything.
05:51Do you understand me?
05:52Anything.
06:00We have a deal!
06:06Matt Damon revealed he and Ben Affleck almost starred in a gay baseball film.
06:11It was to be called Wicked Horny Rivalry.
06:17This year's Olympic hockey venue has been described as a disaster and unfit for hockey.
06:24Officials now say it may still be unfinished even when play begins.
06:28Come on.
06:29How bad could it be?
06:31I'm here with Doof Monroe.
06:32Now, Doof, I'm told you were recently given the opportunity to see the state of the Olympic hockey rink.
06:37Yeah, they flew us vets over to have a look.
06:40See up close.
06:41Well, as close as you could get before the fire drove you back.
06:45So, how do you adjust to these poor conditions?
06:48Yeah, details don't matter, right?
06:50At the end of the day, it's the same game.
06:52We'll get over there, play hard.
06:54Just try and kick the marble into the hole where the net would have been, right?
06:58Plus, it goes without saying, but keep away from the cliff.
07:00Don't want to try and be a hero.
07:02Absolutely.
07:03So, how do you avoid Olympic distractions?
07:05Well, our team can handle the hockey if they're still legally allowed to call it hockey.
07:10I'm not too sure, but we're totally focused on the game.
07:13But if anything comes running out of those woods, I mean, obviously we got to react, right?
07:17You have to, you have to.
07:19Now, I got to ask, did the IOC drop the ball in this situation?
07:23Well, as a hockey player, I don't criticize anyone for anything.
07:27Even if it's morally dicey not to.
07:30But I'll say this, I'm not the strongest swimmer.
07:33So, what I'd love to have is some ice over there.
07:36And the solid form of water is really what my game is most adapted to.
07:40But at the end of the day, H2O is H2O.
07:43And just got to try and put on a good show for our fans.
07:45And if the TV cameras work that close to the volcano.
07:48Perfect.
07:50Well, good luck and try not to die.
07:53Thanks, Jack. Appreciate it.
07:57Earlier this year, I won the FIFA Peace Prize for the most peace in all of soccer.
08:04And just last week, I was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize by the Venezuelan opposition leader.
08:10She gave me hers.
08:12Because nobody stops more wars than me.
08:14I start them and then I stop them. I really do.
08:16All I had to do to get it was invade her homeland.
08:20She was moved to give it to me.
08:21And by moved, I mean I had her put on a military jet and flown to me.
08:26I would like to accept this award and so many others, quite frankly.
08:31Earlier tonight, I also accepted Mel Gibson's 1996 Oscar for Braveheart.
08:37A great movie. They may take our lives, but they'll never take our freedom.
08:41Mel can keep his freedom, but I'm taking his Oscar. I really am.
08:43And I was also presented Dr. Oz's Daytime Emmy Award for the Dr. Oz Show.
08:51He said, sir, he said, no one has done more for science than you.
08:55From bleach cures COVID to Tylenol gives you autism.
08:58I've done so much, it's incredible, so I accept this Daytime Emmy, the best kind of Emmy, they tell me.
09:07I wanted a Grammy, but Kid Rock has never won. Can you believe it?
09:11The woke left won't give Kid Rock a Grammy.
09:13But I was just presented a BET Award from Nicki Minaj.
09:20BET Black Entertainment Award, they call it.
09:23I am now the 2016 Best Black Female Hip Hop Artist. It's a big one. It really is.
09:29A lot of people are saying I was robbed when Megan Thee Stallion won in 2022, but we have fixed it.
09:34I'm the first white male, black female artist to win.
09:39We don't want men in women's sports, but we do want men in women's hip hop for Rizzle, they tell me they do.
09:46And sports, let's not forget the sports, okay?
09:49Earlier tonight I was awarded the 1984 Stanley Cup.
09:54Wayne Gretzky gave me his ring and I even let him kiss it. I really did.
09:57He won in 1984, back when hockey was not gay. We're gonna make hockey straight again, we really will.
10:04So thank you for the Nobel Peace Prize. Excuse me, I have to go invade Greenland now.
10:10But first, I've just been crowned Miss Universe 2023.
10:16It's incredible, isn't it? Thank you very much.
10:27During his trade mission to China, Prime Minister Carney made one statement that raised eyebrows.
10:44I believe the progress that we have made in the partnership sets us up well for the new world order.
10:53Okay, new rule for politicians, don't say New World Order.
11:01And definitely don't say it that slowly.
11:04Or else the trucks will come.
11:11I used to get embarrassed about going to the washroom at work.
11:15I was worried someone would recognize my shoes underneath the stall.
11:18It was becoming a real problem until I bought Greg's shoes.
11:24Every office has a Greg and their shoes always look like this.
11:29Gray New Balance. I mean, come on. These are the shoes of a Greg.
11:35Now I just wear these shoes, really take my time, and everyone thinks it's Greg.
11:40Is that Greg in there?
11:43Oh, yeah. Those are his shoes.
11:46Man, that guy lives in there.
11:48And I don't have to worry about wasting company time, because I'm wearing Greg's shoes.
11:54What kind of shoes are you wearing, Greg?
11:57Gray New Balance. Why?
11:59Feeling all right, Greg?
12:01Yeah.
12:03If you need to go home, you can just let me know.
12:06Okay.
12:09They're working.
12:11And what's even better, Greg's shoes come in women's sizes, so everyone can enjoy the benefits.
12:16There he is! There he is, right there. This is Greg.
12:20He keeps using the woman's washroom, and he really takes his time in there.
12:24What? No, no, I don't. I don't use the women's washroom, and I wouldn't take my time in there.
12:28He's a liar! I recognize those shoes.
12:31Ugh.
12:33Thanks, Greg's shoes.
12:36Okay, Greg, we have to talk about your bathroom usage. I just saw you in there again.
12:41Twelve times before lunch? Really?
12:44What? I only used it this morning, and it was quick.
12:46I saw your shoes with my own eyes, Greg. You're a liar.
12:49A liar who wastes company time and money. Pack your things and go!
12:56Greg may have lost his job, but we all kept our dignity.
13:00Thanks to Greg's shoes.
13:03Greg's shoes.
13:05It's better if they think it's Greg.
13:09An Ontario lab is launching Canada's first ever mail-in semen analysis kit.
13:15And that's weird. My mailman told me that started months ago.
13:17The federal government is going ahead with its national gun buyback program, despite a pilot program collecting just 12% of the guns it expected, and critics calling it a waste of tax money.
13:31Said the government...
13:33You talking to me? You talking to me? I don't see anyone else here. You must be talking to me.
13:38Thank you for coming, everyone.
13:41Your liberal government is buying back banned guns.
13:45Let's see the newest haul.
13:46Why'd we get such a big table?
13:51All right, that takes us to a grand total of...
13:55Five.
13:57All for the low, low price of...
14:00I'd rather not say.
14:01Now, does anyone else in the community want to sell us their gun?
14:05Please?
14:07You will get scene points.
14:10Yeah, I got guns to sell.
14:13Right here.
14:15Does anyone have actually dangerous things they want to sell?
14:19Can I get my gun back?
14:20No, why?
14:21Because no one listens to me anymore.
14:23Well, you can't. We do the buyback, not you.
14:26I want a buyback.
14:27You can't buyback the buyback.
14:29Well, I think we should be able to buyback the buyback.
14:31Well, if you buyback the buyback, then there is no buyback.
14:34Oh, buyback this.
14:36I want to buyback, too.
14:37My gun's got a sentimental value.
14:39My grandpa on his deathbed.
14:41Oh, I'm so sorry to hear.
14:42Shot me with it.
14:45Well, you can't.
14:46Please, I need it. The Hill People are back.
14:47You're gonna have to learn how to deal with them peacefully.
14:50Looks like someone ain't never dealt with the Hill People before.
14:55Does anyone not regret selling us their gun?
14:59Me!
15:00Thank you. Why?
15:01Because I was able to use the money to buy a bigger, scarier gun.
15:04Oh.
15:05So I can...
15:10That kind of thing.
15:12It's regular stuff.
15:13Okay.
15:14Muscles, get on up here. We'll buy your biceps.
15:17We made the big time, girls.
15:22Let's get those numbers up on the board!
15:24Why'd we use such a long board?
15:25Why'd we use such a long board?
15:27The Liberal Party of Canada, spending money to keep you... safe?
15:33Multiple Canadian cities are highlighting their connection to the show heated rivalry to generate tourism.
15:50Only Saskatchewan is not taking part because the characters aren't interested in Regina.
15:54We're exactly one year into Trump's second term, but it sure feels like the third. Reich.
16:03But the resistance has a voice, and on a recent visit to a Ford plant, the president heard it.
16:13Hey, Trump may be a pedophile protector, but in his defense, he is one.
16:20Allegedly.
16:21Meanwhile in Minnesota, Governor Tim Waltz shared an urgent message on how to deal with the ongoing ICE tyranny.
16:28So carry your phone with you at all times.
16:31And if you see these ICE agents in your neighborhood, take out that phone and hit record.
16:35Yeah! Stay safe out there! And if you see an ICE agent, reach quickly into your pocket and point something at them!
16:44Waltz may be onto something, though. Filming ICE might not stop them, but it does catch them slipping.
16:49I can't tell what's more ironic. Ice taking down ICE or an ass falling on his ass.
17:05So keep recording. Exactly.
17:10So keep recording and keep these Gestapo school dropouts accountable because it's America.
17:15And in America, no one's gonna argue with video evidence.
17:21And welcome back to this week's episode of Describe That Video, where we ask our contestants to use their very own eyes and ears to...
17:31Describe that video!
17:34Contestant number one is Connie, business owner, mother, and advocate for feline HIV.
17:40Connie, it's time to...
17:42Describe that video!
17:45I see a tree being cut down by a chainsaw.
17:48Is that a question?
17:50No, that's what I see, definitely.
17:53Oh, I'm sorry, Connie. That is not what was in the video.
17:57Yes, it was.
17:58The answer we were looking for was tree attack saw.
18:02But there's no way that could happen.
18:05Yes, it is. You see the same thing I see, and I see an aggressive tree and a chainsaw simply defending itself.
18:12No!
18:13That's what you saw.
18:14What is it?
18:16Next contestant.
18:17Graham is a scientist with three PhDs.
18:21Let's...
18:22Describe that video!
18:26Okay, I see...
18:27Well, I see happy children.
18:29Incorrect, Graham.
18:30Do you see a video of terrorists gathering strength for their next attack?
18:34No, I mean, these are children smiling and playing in a sprinkler.
18:38They're glowering and threatening people with their movements.
18:43Laura is our final contestant.
18:45She owns 17 dogs and under Bio wrote, you tell me.
18:50And it's time for the lightning round.
18:52Oh!
18:53Laura, describe these videos.
18:56Um...
18:57Wow, yeah.
18:58Hard to say for sure.
19:02Hmm...
19:03Yeah, I need to see another angle.
19:06Oh!
19:07Oh, fake!
19:09Congratulations, Laura!
19:10You got all three correct!
19:13Laura, you've just won lifetime employment with ICE!
19:16Oh!
19:17Thank you for playing...
19:18Describe that video!
19:21We'll see you next time when I ask contestants, did you even see a video?
19:26Good night.
19:39In a recent interview, Kevin O'Leary said he wants to play a Bond villain.
19:44Said James Bond, I'm out.
19:48A new study suggests female doctors in Ontario spend more time with patients than their male counterparts.
19:54Which makes sense when you remember, women be talking.
20:00For over 50 years, Barbie has taught kids they can have the career of their dreams.
20:04Today, that's not true anymore.
20:06Introducing Gig Economy Barbie.
20:09Wow, new Barbie, is she an astronaut?
20:12Oh, you wish.
20:13She's a bartender barista dog walker who does catering on the weekend.
20:16She must be rich.
20:18Not even close.
20:19But her landlord is.
20:21Gig Economy Barbie comes with a worthless arts degree, an overheating laptop, and a work uniform that was deducted from her paycheck.
20:29That doesn't seem fair, Mommy.
20:31Now you're getting it.
20:33Is Barbie sad?
20:34No, honey.
20:36She's numb.
20:37Look, Mommy.
20:38She's just like you.
20:39I'm so tired.
20:40I can't do this anymore.
20:43Yeah.
20:44Just think of me.
20:45Also announcing freeloading boyfriend, Ken.
20:48Boyfriend, I thought we said no labels.
20:51Look, Mom, I'm settling.
20:54Expectations managed.
20:56Thanks, Gig Economy.
20:57Gig Economy.
20:58Crap.
20:59Crap, I'm late for work.
21:00Okay.
21:01You're good, right, honey?
21:02You're fine.
21:03You're good.
21:04Get Gig Economy Barbie now before AI makes her unemployable Barbie.
21:12That's the way we saw the world this week.
21:14Still Standing is next, so stick around.
21:16Good night.
21:17Good night.
21:18He is a woman doing a full moon on the floor with the
21:19guy's ceiling.
Comments