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00:00What are you doing, y'all?
00:30Yeah, yeah!
00:32Football's gonna be number 1 and loser!
00:34Cut out the deadweight.
00:36Act like the teachers' left the room and never mention rugby league again.
00:42It's Friday, we're live and it's time for the last leg of Stand Up To Cancer.
00:47Tonight, on the show, Australia's against anti-social,
00:51the US gives international travellers the finger and we continue to Stand Up To Cancer.
00:57Plus, we'll be joined by John Richardson, AJ Adudu and Matt Ford on the show that always gives the news a helping hand.
01:13Alright, I'm Alex Brooker. Welcome to the last leg of Stand Up To Cancer.
01:17The show that even more than usual feels like it's got a bit missing.
01:21With me, as always, is the pride of Dartmoor, Josh Whittakam.
01:24And the man who thought this day would never come, Alex Brooker.
01:27Ah!
01:32So, for those of you who've only just tuned in... Look how smart we look!
01:37We look like kids that have been dressed for a wedding.
01:41Alex looks like Zelensky on his second trip to the White House.
01:48I'm going to get a good deal.
01:50So, look, for those of you who've only just tuned in, Adam's been doing the live Stand Up To Cancer show,
01:56so I can't believe I'm saying this.
01:58But me and Josh are in charge!
02:00Yay!
02:01Hey!
02:06Hey!
02:07Hey!
02:08Hey!
02:09Hey!
02:10Oh!
02:11Yes!
02:12There we are!
02:13I tell you what, I'm so glad I found this magic lamp this week.
02:17Honestly, I just can't believe I didn't use my one wish on healing my foot.
02:21Yes, and just to be clear, if you wonder why I am moving around, this morning the production realised they'd forgotten to get a second chair, and I am on an exercise ball.
02:34LAUGHTER
02:38So...
02:39Have a little...
02:40I...
02:41I am sorting my abs out while we do the show.
02:44It's not exactly the Call On Me video, is it?
02:47LAUGHTER
02:49LAUGHTER
02:50But the mad figure, I can't believe I'm actually...
02:52Well, it's unsurprisingly, but there's actually not a lot of leg room.
02:55There isn't, but...
02:56LAUGHTER
02:57Do you want to...
02:58There is items that Hilsey keeps behind the desk, so there's this book, Shoehorning Rugby League into any conversation for dummies.
03:03LAUGHTER
03:04What else have we got in there?
03:05We've got a message that he's just got for himself which just says,
03:08You are enough.
03:09LAUGHTER
03:10He really did love that Barbie film, didn't he?
03:12This one is the rudest.
03:14He's just got Josh and Alex with arrows.
03:17LAUGHTER
03:18The fucking cheek of it.
03:22Well, look, so...
03:23TEACHERS AWAY!
03:27Let's do this!
03:29LAUGHTER
03:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
03:33Wow.
03:35So, look, as Adam's not here, we had to work out who was going to host this part.
03:39So we did... we did rock, paper, scissors backstage.
03:42We did.
03:43But as all mine looked the same, meant I won.
03:45So, Josh, you crack on over to the sofa.
03:47I'm going to take the reins for part one.
03:50Ooh!
03:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
03:52There we are.
03:53APPLAUSE
03:54Pressure's on, Brookha.
03:56You know what?
03:57I've had a long time to think about how I'd host this show, what I'd do.
04:01And there's one change that I've always wanted to make.
04:04So I've got myself an Aperol spritz button.
04:06Let's have a little go of it now.
04:08MUSIC PLAYS
04:12I've got to get through this.
04:14I've got to get through this.
04:16I've got to make, I've got to make, I've got to make it through.
04:19Yeah, I've got to get through this.
04:21I've got to get through this.
04:22I've got to take, I've got to take my hand up on you.
04:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
04:29All right.
04:33No, no, it's actually Aperol spritz.
04:35LAUGHTER
04:37I've got four of them.
04:38This is going to be brilliant.
04:39Right.
04:40Feel suitably refreshed.
04:41Now, we are live on your television right now, which means you can send us any questions
04:45you'd like to ask us about the news.
04:47And given that it's nearly midnight, I can imagine those questions are going to be pretty wild.
04:52Anyway, you can message us on Instagram with the hashtag, is it okay?
04:56The answer is no it isn't.
04:58Or via WhatsApp using the number 07956175908 or by scanning the QR code on the screen.
05:07For example, is it okay to lose your head on live TV?
05:10No, no, no.
05:11No, it isn't.
05:12Or give me long enough in here.
05:13We'll see.
05:14Is it okay to lose your head on live TV if it's hilarious?
05:18Yes.
05:19Yes, it is.
05:20If you're our good mate, James Acaster, as proven by this incredible footage from last weekend's
05:25Saturday Kitchen.
05:27I can tell you that 54% of you want...
05:31Did you see the autocue going down there?
05:33Yes!
05:34Yes!
05:35Tapas!
05:36Yes!
05:37Yes!
05:38Yes!
05:39Yes!
05:40Yes!
05:41Yes!
05:42Yes!
05:43Yes!
05:44Yes!
05:45Yes!
05:46Yes!
05:47Yes!
05:48Yes!
05:49Yes!
05:50Yes!
05:51Yes!
05:52Yes!
05:53Yes!
05:54Yes!
05:55Yes!
05:56Yes!
05:57Yes!
05:58Look at him in Punch-Up Polar Bear and I now know why he didn't get the job on Blue
06:01Planet!
06:02Now Adam's currently making his way across town to the studio and will no doubt be using
06:06his freedom pass to get here but Hillsey, where are you at the moment?
06:10Uh, Boys, I'm on my way to you.
06:13I'm just about to get on a bus with a tip, a ship, and a giant vulva, and I'm going to
06:18be honest, it's not the first time I've said that sentence in my life!
06:21Oh, well, um..
06:23How's it all going back there? Are you looking after the show?
06:26Yeah, yeah, we're okay, thank you.
06:27Josh might have smashed a draw already, but other than that, we're...
06:30Yeah, we're doing all right, Hilsey. Thank you very much, yeah.
06:33We really can't wait for you to get back.
06:36You guys are keeping people to account, speaking truth to power, right?
06:40Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
06:42Alexa's got an Aperol spritz.
06:47Oh, hey, I'm going to have to go for a number of reasons.
06:51I need to get to you, but also, it looks like I'm hosting
06:53the world's weirdest hen party, so I'll see you soon.
06:56See you in a bit, Hilsey. Cheers.
06:58Let's go.
07:04Um...
07:05Do you think he's going to make it back?
07:09I don't think he is.
07:11No.
07:11Oh, God.
07:12Let's bring back the mariachi's.
07:14Woo!
07:17Ho, ho!
07:19Celebrate your time.
07:21Come on!
07:22Come on!
07:27Celebrate your times.
07:30Come on!
07:37Oh, dear.
07:40Oh.
07:41I'm just going to...
07:42I'm just seeing what the next bit I've got to read is,
07:44so I'm just going to move my Aperol spritz out of shot.
07:46Um, just to remind you, we are still in fundraising mode,
07:49so you can still donate to Stand Up To Cancer.
07:52Um, almost one in two of us will get cancer in our lifetime.
07:55Help us fight back, and to give 30, uh, to give, sorry, 40, 30, 20, or 10 pounds
08:01to support Stand Up To Cancer, text 40, 30, 20, or 10 to 70404,
08:07or to donate any amount online, go to channel4.com forward slash su2c.
08:13100% of the money you give will fund life-saving cancer research.
08:18Um, Josh, you're looking...you're looking lonely.
08:20I am looking lonely, yeah.
08:22Well, there's normally someone sat next to me, Brooker.
08:24I know.
08:24Do you want to come and sit here?
08:24Well, I think it's time to bring out my replacement, shall we?
08:26OK, yeah.
08:27So he's my favourite diminutive comedian.
08:29What?
08:29A man who makes Josh look edgy.
08:31What?
08:31Please welcome John Richardson.
08:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
08:36Oh, John, welcome to the show.
08:56When's your dad back?
08:57How does it feel being in my seat?
09:01Can you feel the banter?
09:03No, because you've taken your notes.
09:05Yeah, yeah, yeah.
09:06Sorry, man, I've got all of them over here.
09:08How's it?
09:09How's...
09:09Can you see?
09:10I've put a proper bum groove in there.
09:12There is a little groove in there.
09:12It's taken me, like, 13 years.
09:14Look at that.
09:14I wondered why you used to rub yourself forward and back.
09:17I thought you had worms.
09:19LAUGHTER
09:19Right, we're going to get...
09:22I think there was a couple of series when I did.
09:27We're going to get to the real big news of the week in a bit.
09:30But first, the big news between us
09:32was Josh's reaction to my Spotify rap.
09:35Now, here's just how impressed he was.
09:39Do you want my top five songs?
09:41OK, hit me.
09:41Number five, I want it that way.
09:46Absolute banger.
09:47Yep.
09:48Number four, if you're getting down.
09:50By five.
09:51Number three, keep on moving.
10:01By five.
10:06LAUGHTER
10:06I'm just...
10:08That's how I'm saying these.
10:10This is no lie, by the way.
10:11It's just genuinely...
10:12Number two, fly without wind.
10:16LAUGHTER
10:17Are you ready for number one?
10:22No.
10:23Number one of my most long...
10:23My most listened to song?
10:25Yeah.
10:26Of 2025.
10:27Can you feel the love tonight?
10:28LAUGHTER
10:29Oh, my God.
10:33LAUGHTER
10:33See you next year.
10:36LAUGHTER
10:37Just five absolute bangers, mainly involving five.
10:46What's your beef with them?
10:47It's the line-up to the 2003 Smash It's poll winner's party.
10:51LAUGHTER
10:52Have you chosen flying without wings
10:54because you think it's a disability?
10:55LAUGHTER
10:56John, look, what did you make of it?
10:59I thought it was all right.
11:00I'm not saying this for the show.
11:01I think you need fucking help.
11:02LAUGHTER
11:04Oh, I think it's pathetic.
11:10You think it's pathetic?
11:12I think it's pathetic.
11:13Yeah.
11:13As do I think it's pathetic.
11:15You had your chance to do anything at the start of the show
11:17and the naughtiest thing you could think of
11:18was putting on a feather bow and letting off a party pop.
11:21LAUGHTER
11:22Both of those have stopped me getting my pip.
11:26LAUGHTER
11:26LAUGHTER
11:28It wasn't just you both who thought it was pathetic.
11:38Somebody commented, I love this.
11:40He seems OK that he will never be cool.
11:42LAUGHTER
11:43I think that's fun.
11:44Can I also say on that,
11:47can you feel the love tonight,
11:48we're all thinking it,
11:50that we know why you're putting that on.
11:52LAUGHTER
11:53Come on, that's your shagging song, isn't it?
11:55LAUGHTER
11:56No, it goes on for ages.
11:58LAUGHTER
12:00I'm a 21-seconds fan.
12:01LAUGHTER
12:02LAUGHTER
12:03LAUGHTER
12:05APPLAUSE
12:07I, uh...
12:09This is...
12:10My...
12:10My favourite comment on the Instagram post
12:13was someone saying
12:14that I must have a sign in my kitchen
12:16that says,
12:16Live, Laugh, Love.
12:18LAUGHTER
12:19I don't doubt it, Brooker, I don't doubt it.
12:21Actually, I don't, I don't have that.
12:23I have one that says,
12:24Be careful of sharp knives,
12:25which, in hindsight,
12:26was too little too late.
12:27LAUGHTER
12:28But, look, going to my spot,
12:30like, this Spotify rep,
12:31you properly, you've, you've mugged it off.
12:33I've never mugged anyone off, Brooker.
12:35Well, you've not been happy with it.
12:37Yeah.
12:38But you mentioned last week
12:39that, like, four of your top five songs
12:42were Sabrina Carpenter,
12:43you little pervert.
12:44LAUGHTER
12:45I mean, she's the greatest songwriter
12:47of her generation, incredible.
12:49And you've never watched any of the videos
12:50on the Spotify?
12:51You don't get the videos on Spotify.
12:53Not that I'd know, cos I haven't looked.
12:54LAUGHTER
12:56And, John, what sort of music taste have you got, then?
13:01Er, terrible.
13:02But I think, I will say in favour of your Spotify,
13:04cos no-one's getting paid from Spotify,
13:06the artists don't get any money.
13:07At least you've picked people who aren't together anymore,
13:09or aren't performing.
13:10So, they're not going to miss the money,
13:12cos they've fucking retired 20 years ago.
13:13LAUGHTER
13:15West Laugh are performing next year, man.
13:16Are they?
13:17I'm going to see them, and Backstreet Boys.
13:19How did I not know?
13:20LAUGHTER
13:22Look, I don't think so.
13:23So, like, what sort of thing are you in...?
13:26What are you into, though?
13:27Er, well, it's my daughter that uses my Spotify,
13:30so, erm, that's my excuse, and I'm sticking to it.
13:32LAUGHTER
13:34Could I, could I revert to that excuse for mine as well?
13:36LAUGHTER
13:37Yeah, I...
13:38But, look, I stand by my music selection so much,
13:41I've decided to change Heels' buttons as a little treat for him
13:45for when he get back.
13:46So, let's have a little go.
13:47This is the first button.
13:48Tell me why he ain't nothing but a party...
13:53Honestly, he's going to love it when he tries to make a political comment
13:58and punctuate with this.
13:59LAUGHTER
14:01I'm ready for the next Paralympics.
14:08When you know how much that is
14:13You found that special thing
14:16You're flying without wings
14:19And what's the fourth button?
14:20What's the fourth button?
14:22A turd the size of Disneyland Paris!
14:25Yes, we, er, we ran out of money to clear any of the other...
14:28LAUGHTER
14:29But on to the big news now, and Michael asked,
14:32Is it OK that I'm proud of Australia
14:34for banning social media access to children?
14:37Let's hope the rest of the world follows.
14:39Yes, now, usually news from Australia is less down under
14:42and more akin with the upside down,
14:44but this week they've done something quite radical.
14:46As of Wednesday, all of the major social media platforms
14:50have had to take steps to remove any users under the age of 16.
14:55And the worst thing about that is you're not even old enough
14:57to buy cigarettes to, like, get over it.
14:59LAUGHTER
15:00So, how do you boys feel about the ban?
15:02I think it's a great idea.
15:04I think, erm, I think that it's a bit weird
15:09that the only week in 13 years when we're praising Australia
15:12is the week Hillsie's away.
15:13LAUGHTER
15:15Wait till the Ashes finishes next week.
15:16Yeah.
15:17And I also...
15:19I think I would totally ban social media for under-16s,
15:22er, with the caveat,
15:24unless they're being difficult and you want a bit of a rest.
15:27LAUGHTER
15:29Now, reports suggest that the main hope is that it will stop
15:32young people from meeting men in their 40s online
15:34who Spotify top five are Sabrina Garbentine.
15:37LAUGHTER
15:38LAUGHTER
15:40APPLAUSE
15:42Well, look, one drawback of it, apparently,
15:48is that for the kids who live in isolated areas...
15:51So, some people's closest neighbour lives about 50 miles away,
15:54so it's the best way to communicate.
15:56How much of a concern do you think that is?
15:58Let's be clear, though, it's the best way to communicate for everyone.
16:00Like, there's nothing wrong with social media.
16:02It's the adults.
16:03We have failed to ask the companies to regulate what's on there.
16:07We're addicted to it.
16:08It's adults banning a product that we are addicted to.
16:11So, no, I don't want you on your phone all the time,
16:13cos, er, I need it.
16:14LAUGHTER
16:16Also, if they're 50 miles away,
16:18I don't think you can use the word my nearest neighbour.
16:20They're not your fucking neighbour!
16:22Neighbours was set in Australia.
16:24It wasn't Scott and Charlene with 50 miles in the dreamers.
16:27LAUGHTER
16:28There's a nightmare on Trick or Treat
16:30where you walk 50 miles to get a chopper chaps.
16:34We were out for four hours, we only did one hour.
16:37LAUGHTER
16:38So, under-16s would be banned from Facebook,
16:40Instagram, Threads, X, YouTube, Snapchat,
16:43Reddit, Kik, Twitch and TikTok.
16:46Um, is there any of those you struck?
16:48Well, I'm going to say it,
16:49Threads are fucking lucky to be on that list.
16:51LAUGHTER
16:52Everyone banned themselves from Threads 48 hours in!
16:55LAUGHTER
16:56I don't think anybody over-16 should be on Twitch.
17:00No.
17:01That's the, you know, that's the game, the streaming...
17:03Yeah, that's the gaming one.
17:04Yeah, no-one should be on that, no.
17:05But what the fuck was Kik?
17:06What's Kik?
17:07I've not even heard of some of them.
17:08Snapchat in Australia is, er,
17:10how they check where the crocodiles are, isn't it?
17:12LAUGHTER
17:13Tell me why...
17:15LAUGHTER
17:20Now, apparently, teenagers are already getting around the band
17:23if they look older than they are.
17:25But, so, back in our day, when you could buy cider from the author,
17:27if you had a bum fluff and moustache, do you have a...
17:30No, I don't, no, I never managed that.
17:32LAUGHTER
17:33I'm still waiting for that one.
17:34LAUGHTER
17:35We'll have a look at this insightful clip.
17:36What about you?
17:38Are you going to miss your social media?
17:41I'm not removed from anything.
17:42The ban hasn't worked.
17:43It hasn't worked?
17:44Why is that?
17:45Because my camera's terrible, so they think I'm 16.
17:48LAUGHTER
17:49I mean, that kid at the bottom...
17:51I know the kid at the top thinks,
17:53that one at the bottom,
17:54there is no way he's passing from over 16.
17:57LAUGHTER
17:58That's me, the little kid on the left,
17:59looking at him going,
18:00''Fuck off.''
18:01LAUGHTER
18:02They didn't seem...
18:03They didn't seem too bothered about it,
18:06but I just think when you've grown up in the country
18:08where everything's trying to kill you
18:10from the sun to the plants,
18:12like, hashtags are the least of your problems, aren't they?
18:14Yeah, and also, the kids will always find a workaround.
18:17They will all be on LinkedIn before you know it.
18:20LAUGHTER
18:23Er, so, erm, sorry,
18:25just the autocue's just got stuck.
18:26LAUGHTER
18:27Yeah, I've already said that bit.
18:28LAUGHTER
18:29Yeah, I've already said that bit.
18:30Hils has never had to say it!
18:32LAUGHTER
18:34So, I'll tell you,
18:36he would have got away.
18:37LAUGHTER
18:38Hilsie's absolutely fucked you on the ORQ.
18:41LAUGHTER
18:42Hilsie's got out on fours.
18:44Hilsie now stands out, absolutely high-fiving the team.
18:46LAUGHTER
18:47Um, to be honest with you,
18:48I've just felt a massive wave of sadness,
18:50a bit like when Mufasa dies in the Lion King,
18:53which must mean, I think,
18:54we're due an update from Hils.
18:56Um, yep, I'm hearing he's on the line now.
18:58Where are you, Hilsie?
19:01Er, yeah, look, sorry, boys,
19:02I had to get off the bus for a whole bunch of reasons.
19:04Er, mainly the giant shit hit the fan.
19:06Not even entirely sure why there was a fan on the bus.
19:08But I'm now going to get on a motorbike,
19:10because apparently that's the quickest way to get to you.
19:12Er, but I have to put some leathers on first.
19:14Not entirely sure this is necessary,
19:16but I'll give it a crack.
19:18Um, see you soon.
19:20LAUGHTER
19:21Look, looks up the hills on the bus,
19:33did go round and round and round.
19:35Ah, there we are.
19:37What a highbrow show this has become.
19:48Um, but look, don't worry,
19:49we've got some excellent guests to make up through his absence.
19:52One's on Big Brother,
19:53the other's missing part of his bladder.
19:55It's AJ O'Doodoo and Matt Fords!
19:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:07Hello!
20:09Good to see you!
20:15Hello!
20:16Oh, welcome to the show.
20:19All right.
20:20Tonight, we're also presenting our Hands Awards
20:22to people who've inspired us this year.
20:24Who would you both nominate?
20:26AJ, starting with you.
20:27Erm, I would nominate Bus Auntie.
20:30She is a respected mental health nurse,
20:35but she's gone viral, er,
20:37for her love of double-decker red buses.
20:41OK.
20:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:43She's great!
20:44She's really, really great.
20:45Here's a, here's a video of Bus Auntie in action.
20:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:50She's an icon, she's a legend, and she is the moment.
21:08The problem with that, though,
21:09is she just looks like she keeps missing the bus.
21:11LAUGHTER
21:12She's having to get Ubers everywhere!
21:14No, she raves at the bus drivers,
21:17she shows them appreciation,
21:19she loves them, she rides them.
21:21She met Keir Starmer on one!
21:23Did she?
21:24Yeah!
21:25LAUGHTER
21:26LAUGHTER
21:27Who would you nominate?
21:28No, someone over there laughed!
21:30LAUGHTER
21:31It wasn't me!
21:32Who would you nominate, 4D?
21:34I want to nominate, erm,
21:36a nurse who's helped me this year,
21:37called Sharon Hall,
21:38at the Royal National Orthopaedic Hospital.
21:40Erm, she's the lead urology nurse there,
21:42and I had surgery recently to deal with, erm...
21:46I realise, this sort of thing,
21:47it's only when you're saying out on live TV you realise,
21:49I'm not sure this was something I should be divulging,
21:51to deal with my male incontinence.
21:53And, erm, I've had a artificial urinary sphincter put in...
21:58Wow.
21:59..to stop me peeing my pants following spinal surgery.
22:01I had cancer a couple of years ago,
22:02I'm a brave survivor.
22:04Erm, and, erm, I...
22:06APPLAUSE
22:11One in service will get it, I've had it,
22:14so it's coming to two of you guys.
22:16LAUGHTER
22:17Watch out.
22:20Thanks for joining us, 4D.
22:22LAUGHTER
22:24The angel of death's arrived!
22:27Josh, who did you nominate?
22:29Well, last week I nominated Sabrina Carpenter,
22:31we've discussed this,
22:32but we couldn't get her the award.
22:35We contacted her agent and they said,
22:38I'm really sorry, it's unlikely we'll get anything for the show tomorrow.
22:41Apologies, I don't want to give you any false hope.
22:44As if we had any fucking false hope.
22:46LAUGHTER
22:47At least now you can re-script your segment.
22:49But we've got it made, so here is like a classic racy picture
22:52of what people remember, Sabrina Carpenter's outfits.
22:55And here is the hands, there it is.
22:58Gorgeous!
22:59Oh, that...
23:00They're like twins!
23:01LAUGHTER
23:02So there we go.
23:03I think that is very similar.
23:04Is it?
23:05And John, who's yours?
23:06I like the fact even her agent said you can re-script the segment
23:09and you went, no, just do it anyway.
23:10LAUGHTER
23:12And John, who's your nomination?
23:14Well, I didn't know Matt was going to do a nurse
23:17that had operated on him, so I have picked a darts player
23:21who has suffered a different kind of adversity this year.
23:25He's had to change his nickname because his name is Tim Pussy
23:29and he wanted to be called The Magnet.
23:31LAUGHTER
23:34I just think it's a sign that darts has lost its way a little bit.
23:37That's...
23:38What's wrong with Magnet Tim?
23:40Yeah.
23:41Well, he's changed it to The Muncher, so...
23:43LAUGHTER
23:44He's dealt with it very well.
23:46Well, we'll have more Last Leg of Stand Up To Cancer for you
23:49after the break as we hand out more Hands Awards
23:52and check in on Faraway Hills.
23:54We'll see you soon.
23:55APPLAUSE
23:57Welcome back to The Last Leg of Stand Up To Cancer.
24:12We're joined by John Richardson, AJ Adudu and Matt Ford,
24:16but still not Adam Hill!
24:22Come on, that's unfair.
24:23Now, let's focus on the important people,
24:25the ones that could be bothered to be here.
24:27Matt.
24:28Yes.
24:29It's Stand Up To Cancer tonight,
24:30which is obviously a topic close to your heart.
24:33Yeah, I'm a stand-up.
24:34Stroke spine.
24:35And, um...
24:37So, tell us what happened with you, then.
24:39I got spinal cancer, um, a couple of years ago.
24:42I was performing at the Edinburgh Festival,
24:44had terrible nerve pain in my buttock
24:46and went to see a doctor and they said,
24:48you've probably just slipped a disc.
24:50Got an MRI,
24:51and there was a rare cancer at the base of my spine
24:53called a chordoma
24:54that only one in a million people get.
24:56Oh, my gosh.
24:57At that point, obviously, you just...
24:59You can't quite comprehend that it's cancer, cos...
25:01No, to the point where, when you told me...
25:05You texted me and did it in the form of a quiz question.
25:11That reflects really badly on me, but it was...
25:13Josh and I are part of a text group of...
25:15Let's not go into it! Let's not go into it!
25:17We have a running joke and there are quizzes
25:19as part of the theme, and I invented a...
25:21Yeah.
25:22I was... I said, what is wrong with me?
25:24It was like, A, asthma, B, something like that, G, cancer.
25:27And knowing full well no-one was going to guess it.
25:29And it just added a game show element to proceedings,
25:32that I think...
25:33Now, you've had some good news recently.
25:35Yes, so, my last scan was clear,
25:36so I'm two years clear of cancer now, which is great.
25:42Yeah.
25:43Matt!
25:44Matt!
25:45That only means one thing.
25:47Bring them out!
25:50Maybe I was gonna fly
25:52Wanna live, don't wanna die
25:55Maybe I just want to breathe
25:57Maybe I just don't believe
25:59Maybe you're the same as me
26:01We can see if you'll never see
26:04Good night, we'll leave forever
26:08We'll be back
26:09Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
26:10Oh, that's very cool.
26:11Now, earlier in the show, you mentioned your neurology nurse, Sharon Gill.
26:18You wanted to give her a hands award.
26:20Yeah.
26:21Much like Hillsy, she couldn't be with us tonight, but she has got your message.
26:24Here it is.
26:25Thank you so much, Matt, for the nomination.
26:28It's very, very kind of you.
26:29I'm very grateful.
26:30I'm so sorry I couldn't be with you tonight, but I wish you all the very best and see you soon.
26:35You can still donate to Stand Up To Cancer
26:42We'll reveal the total raise tonight at the end of the show.
26:45Now, almost one in two of us will get cancer in our lifetime.
26:48Help us fight back to give 40, 30 or 10 pounds to support Stand Up To Cancer.
26:53Text 40, 30, 20 or 10 to 70404
26:58Or to donate any amount online, go to channel4.com forward slash su2c
27:02100% of the money you give will fund life-saving cancer research.
27:07Now, it's time for our hands awards as we recognise some of the heroes of the year.
27:13I can be your hands, baby.
27:29I can hands away the pain.
27:39I will hands by you forever.
27:44You can take my hands away.
27:50Our first award is for Faye, who adapts and teaches Strictly Come Dancing performances
28:03so they can be performed by wheelchair users
28:07and post them to her Instagram, all whilst battling M.E. herself.
28:13Hi, it's Faye. I just wanted to say a huge thank you for the last leg.
28:18I'm delighted to accept this Hammers Award for creating and teaching adaptations of Strictly Come Dancing routines each week
28:25to show fellow chronically ill and disabled people that dances for everyone.
28:29Our next award of the night goes to Celia Emery, who was nominated by Adam Hills on last week's show for owning her own embarrassment on the Traitors.
28:43Here she is accepting her award.
28:46I'm absolutely delighted to be an award winner.
28:51And if it's for making everybody laugh, then I couldn't be happier.
28:55And I wish you all health and happiness in the year ahead.
28:59And thank you again.
29:01We'll have more Last Leg of Stand Up To Cancer for you after the break and I'll still be in the hot seat.
29:10And we'll have another mystery guest. See you soon.
29:13Welcome back to the Last Leg of Stand Up To Cancer.
29:30We're joined by John Richardson, AJ Adudu and Matt Ford, but still not Adam Hills.
29:34And don't forget, you can still donate.
29:37There.
29:39There we go.
29:40We'll announce the total amount raised at the end of the show.
29:44Now, Matt, you're going on tour in the new year?
29:45Yes.
29:46My new tour, Defying Calamities, going across the UK from January to June next year,
29:50where we'll talk about male incontinence, erectile dysfunction, all the usual cliches.
29:56It's a classic stand-up show.
29:58It's a classic stand-up show.
29:59All the well-worn topics, plus impressions of Donald Trump, Keir Starmer.
30:03Well, let's get back to Donald Trump, because David asked,
30:06Is it OK that the Last Leg team may be banned from the US for being nasty to Trump?
30:11Yes, this week it was revealed that travellers planning to visit the US will soon have to provide a variety of extra information,
30:18including dates and birthplaces of family members and their social media activity going back five years.
30:26Worried?
30:28Er, no.
30:29No, I'm not worried at all, but it's mainly because all of the dodgy tweets I send out are from my burner account,
30:34at Josh Whittacombe.
30:35LAUGHTER
30:39How are you two feeling about it?
30:46Er...
30:47Well, you don't want to feel like you're being spied on.
30:49You don't want to feel like...
30:50No.
30:51...being vetted.
30:52It's hard enough getting through passport control, do you know what I mean?
30:55It is.
30:56And you'll have to give your parents birthdays...
30:58I don't know that.
30:59I don't know that information.
31:01If I need to go to America, I need to know my daughter's birthday.
31:04I'm fucked.
31:06LAUGHTER
31:07You don't have to give your parents social media, do you?
31:09What do you mean?
31:10You know what my mum's like on...
31:12I do, mate.
31:13She is in my DMs too much.
31:15We've looked into it, right?
31:17Not in that way!
31:18Not in that way!
31:19LAUGHTER
31:20I just get a lot of traction for my content.
31:23Now, that's not euphemism, that's not...
31:26What has this show turned into without Elsie?
31:29You hit the bell on your YouTube channel as well, did you?
31:32LAUGHTER
31:34So, do you want to...
31:36There are examples.
31:37These are, like, the red lines, right?
31:38These are the red flags people can't cross.
31:41So, if your social media is deemed too dangerous,
31:43something like this.
31:44Look at that, John.
31:46Oh.
31:47People who brag too much about their holidays on social media,
31:50they are the absolute worst.
31:52LAUGHTER
31:53Look at that absolute wanker.
31:55And...
31:56And total nutjobs.
31:58Number two.
31:59Flied without wings.
32:01LAUGHTER
32:02However, right, there is a work-around for those looking to move to America.
32:07President Trump has announced a scheme offering fast-track US visas
32:11for a cost of at least one million dollars.
32:15Would you like to see...
32:16This is the taste...
32:17This is the genuine tasteful gold card you will get.
32:21Look at that.
32:23Look at that.
32:24Oh.
32:25That's a real picture of Donald Trump riding an eagle past the Statue of Liberty.
32:30LAUGHTER
32:32A really small eagle.
32:36LAUGHTER
32:37You want to see, right, a very cheery snap of someone who is so happy with their gold card.
32:42Look at his little face!
32:44LAUGHTER
32:45He looks like Charlie Bucket.
32:46It's unbelievable!
32:47LAUGHTER
32:48It's more like Grandpa Joe, to be fair.
32:51LAUGHTER
32:52Now, one of the great things about Hillsy not being here is I can do stories on whatever I want.
32:57This week, huge news from the world of Bez from the Happy Mondays,
33:01who has said he could lose his job to an AI bot.
33:05You all right, John?
33:07Yeah, well, he didn't, though, did he?
33:09LAUGHTER
33:10He did!
33:11He spoke into a big issue.
33:12He said, this is the quote,
33:14I thought no way could AI actually do that, but can just rob everyone and anybody's life.
33:20Are you worried about Bez or yourself, John?
33:23I ain't got time to worry about Bez, have you seen my life?
33:26LAUGHTER
33:27AI's not coming for Bez, is it?
33:29No-one cares if a computer does drugs.
33:31LAUGHTER
33:33AJ, are you worried about AI or doo-doo?
33:44LAUGHTER
33:46Do you know what, listen...
33:48That's good, dude!
33:50We've got a lot of time for it.
33:52I'm not... I'm not worried.
33:53I feel... I feel like...
33:55It's complex, isn't it?
33:56It's already here.
33:57I don't think it's something to fear.
33:59It's something that we need to get our heads round and embrace,
34:02because it's not something that's going to happen, it's already happening.
34:06Do you know what I mean?
34:07Exactly.
34:08Exactly.
34:09Poor old Bez.
34:10He's gone already.
34:11LAUGHTER
34:12Ford, are you worried about it?
34:13No.
34:14I think...
34:15I think it's basically not as good as people worry about.
34:18I think it's basically rubbish.
34:20Are you talking about AI or Bez?
34:22AI!
34:23Bez.
34:24I'm more worried about Bez.
34:25Bez poses a bigger threat to my safety than AI does.
34:27LAUGHTER
34:28OK.
34:29All right.
34:30AI's just Googling it.
34:31Have you seen the Spanish monkey that does ASMR, though?
34:34Sorry, what?
34:35Are you having...
34:36Are you on the drugs now, Jon?
34:37What's going on?
34:38It's good stuff.
34:39It's good stuff.
34:40What's that?
34:41It's just like a Spanish monkey that eats food on Instagram
34:44and tells you about it in Spanish, you whispers.
34:46LAUGHTER
34:47That was going to be...
34:48Do you know what, Jon?
34:50You have got a lot to worry about.
34:52It's time to bring out this week's mystery guest.
34:54It's someone from the news and our guests have to try and identify them.
34:57Can we have this week's mystery guest, please?
35:00Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.
35:03Mysterious guest.
35:05I want this mystery guest.
35:07APPLAUSE
35:09OK, Alex, who is the mystery guest?
35:14So this is hard bang, but why was he in the news this week? Can we have the dramatic lighting change, please?
35:25Right was he in the news because he traveled to Delhi where he made the final of the throwing a teabag into a mug World Series
35:34Did he travel to Las Vegas where he made the final of the Microsoft Excel World Championships?
35:40Or did he travel to Buenos Aires where he made the final of the sock pairing World Cup?
35:48Okay, teabagging
35:59So what you thinking guys I'm going to be whatever the middle one was that's the spirit don't even remember what they are
36:05You think it's Microsoft? Well, I just think his face moved less on the second option
36:13All right, fuck it. They'll Joe fucking Marla on the traitors
36:18Don't need AI. We don't need AI
36:22So what we're saying is if it is Microsoft Excel you've proven we don't need AI 100% and if it's teabagging AI all the way
36:29Okay, we'll have more last leg to stand up to cancer after the break one
36:34We'll find out if this man is very quick at pairing socks and announce the final hands award of 2025
36:40But for that let's see where Hillsy is Hillsy. Where are you?
36:46Yeah boys look I've had to get off the bike
36:48But only because I've spotted someone that I think you're gonna want to meet and I'm gonna bring them to the studio
36:52Alex, it's not abs from five or Jay from five or
36:57Richie from five I'm gonna keep it a surprise, but because it's another person. I can't put them on the bike
37:02So I've got a rickshaw. I think we're gonna make it in time
37:07You're gonna be very happy to see this person. Have we checked the rickshaw's got a blue badge? We'll be fine. I'll see you in a bit
37:13Find out if Hillsy makes it back after the break. See you soon
37:22The last leg of stand up to cancer
37:34I'm back in the big chair and we're joined by John Richardson AJ
37:37Doodoo and Matt Ford now before the break we challenged AJ and Matt to work out how this person was connected to the news
37:45John, please. Can we have the options again? Yes
37:49Sorry, I forgot how well produced this is
37:52It's after midnight man nobody's anyway
37:59He traveled to Delhi where he made the final of the throwing a teabag into a mug World Series
38:03He traveled to Las Vegas where he made the final of the Microsoft Excel World Championships
38:07Or he traveled to Buenos Aires where he made the final of the sock pairing World Cup
38:12So AJ 40 what you thinking they are all believable
38:18But I'm gonna stick to the teabagging you're gonna stick to the teabagging
38:22Yeah
38:23Yeah
38:23Yeah
38:24Yeah
38:25I'm going Microsoft Excel I think
38:27I would believe all of them
38:29You can ask any questions by the way
38:32Can lie
38:34Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
38:36Can we not?
38:37Someone's got a bit of power behind the desk, aren't we?
38:40If you're not sure, just, yeah, I'll pop it.
38:46Okay, you're locking in those answers, so you're going teabagging.
38:494D? Computers.
38:50You're going for the computers.
38:52Well, mystery guess, can you reveal the correct answer, please,
38:56and tell us why you've been in the news this week?
38:59I went to Las Vegas last week
39:01and I made the final of the Microsoft Excel World Championship.
39:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
39:14What happens at the Microsoft Excel World Cup?
39:18So, each battle is a 30-minute challenge
39:22where you have to answer 100 questions
39:25on seven levels of increasing difficulty
39:28and you're supposed to use Excel
39:30to solve them as quickly as possible.
39:32And how did you get into it?
39:33Well, I attended an Excel conference in February
39:37and I saw an advert for the UK chapter of the Championship.
39:41I thought, that looked fun.
39:43I tried it out and I won the UK Championship.
39:45Hooray!
39:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
39:49You don't need AI!
39:52No. So what sort of questions do they ask you?
39:55Well, it's a mix of critical thinking, data analysis
39:59and some mathematics involved.
40:01For instance, you might be given the names of ten and ten people
40:06and say how many of those names have a B in it.
40:08So it could be quite interesting if you put a context into it.
40:11And what are you like with socks and teabags?
40:14LAUGHTER
40:16Is it just Excel, Microsoft Excel,
40:18or would you do another spreadsheet like pages?
40:22You're supposed to use Excel, but the reigning champion,
40:25he was so good he challenged himself to do one of the rounds
40:28in Google Sheets.
40:30Ooh!
40:32A showboater!
40:34I mean, it's incredible, but for Mo...
40:36If you turn round to your other half and you were just like,
40:38by the way, I'm going to Vegas for an Excel World Championship!
40:42LAUGHTER
40:43But, John, you've got a dart shirt, haven't you,
40:45with a new nickname?
40:46I have. I've got a new nickname for you.
40:48It's the Excel Bullet.
40:50LAUGHTER
40:52Give that over.
40:57Thank you very much!
40:59APPLAUSE
41:01Legend!
41:02Oh, God!
41:03That's cute!
41:04Now...
41:05John has been punching the news this week.
41:07John, what have you got for us?
41:09Er, hey, would you like to see an utterly perfect clip,
41:13which I call,
41:14What Did You Think Was Gonna Happen?
41:16Yes, please.
41:17LAUGHTER
41:18LAUGHTER
41:19WELL, what was that?
41:20How was that?
41:21How was that?
41:22I was like,
41:25I'm not going to get it.
41:26You might be like,
41:27I was going to get the thing out.
41:28What was that?
41:29What was that?
41:30What was that?
41:31What was that?
41:32I was like,
41:33I was like,
41:34I was like...
41:35You're like,
41:37I was like,
41:38LAUGHTER
41:48What else have you got?
41:49Would you like to see some delightful footage
41:51of an Australian man and his leaf blower
41:53proving that instant karma exists in Australia?
41:55LAUGHTER Yes, please!
41:57MUSIC PLAYS
42:07We've got the dog. Blanker!
42:11Tries to blow the leaf blower up the dog's anus.
42:13LAUGHTER
42:15We've got an extra one!
42:17APPLAUSE
42:19We've got an extra one.
42:21John, this is for you.
42:23This is a message from a hands winner.
42:25Let's have a look.
42:27Hello, everyone. At the last leg, it's Tim Pusey.
42:30I'm really happy to accept the Hands Award.
42:32I'd like to thank everyone who nominated me,
42:34especially John Richardson.
42:36The Hands Award will look great in the trophy cabinet.
42:40It's a perfect preparation for the World Championship.
42:43I'll be beaming with confidence after receiving this.
42:46APPLAUSE
42:48What a lovely guy.
42:51Now, we've just heard the amount you've raised
42:54for Stand Up To Cancer since it was on air
42:56two years ago.
42:57It currently stands at...
42:59Drum roll.
43:02£14,212,660!
43:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:09CELEBRATION
43:22CELEBRATION
43:23CELEBRATION
43:24CELEBRATION
43:27THEY FRIER
43:28Oh
43:35Final hands awards, but before we do would you please thank our guests? I do do
43:39We'll be back next week with everyone's third favourite host Adam Hills plus our guests Fatih Al Goree Roisin Conaty
44:00But for now, let's see who our final hands awards go to
44:09I can be your hands, baby
44:19I can hands away the pain
44:26I will hands by you forever
44:32You can take my hands away
44:39Our penultimate hands award of the evening goes to Chris Stevenson and David Spencer
44:48They are Kevin Sinfield's fellow runners who cover every mile alongside him
44:56Completing challenges all in aid of the charity MND
45:02Kevin was recognised with a hands award last year
45:05So this year we're recognising Chris and David too
45:10Hello to the last leg, thank you very much for this nomination, it means a great deal
45:15It's an incredible honour and a privilege to represent the MMD community
45:19To be part of such an incredible team and to run alongside Kevin
45:23Mine and Chris's job as far as I'm concerned is the easiest and most enjoyable part
45:28It's running with a mate, for a mate
45:30Anything that shines a light on MND and the cruel disease that it is, is good
45:35And I feel very humbled that I've been able to see and touch people that have been impacted by this cruel disease
45:43We will continue to run with a mate, for a mate until we find a cure for MND
45:49Thank you so much
45:50Our last hands award goes to 15 year old Charlotte Gower who won triple gold as Great Britain secured 12 medals at the Deaf Olympics in Tokyo
46:04Hello the last leg, I'm so pleased to accept the 25 hands award and extremely grateful to have been nominated for winning 7 medals including 3 golds for Great Britain and the Deaf Olympics in Tokyo last month
46:19I hope this award will help raise the profile of Deaf sport and give Deaf athletes the recognition they deserve
46:25Thanks again to everyone who nominated me, it means a lot
46:29Incredible stuff, that's it for the 2025 hands awards
46:38And bad news genuinely, we've just heard Hilsie isn't going to make it back
46:46But we've got one more surprise hands, AJ and John
46:50Can you take the hands mascot costume off to reveal our final winner behind you?
46:56There we go, it's Matt's specialist nurse Sarah Gill!
47:01Oh my God!
47:03Oh my God!
47:05Oh my God!
47:06Oh my God!
47:07Take it away!
47:08Our last round of stand-up to cancer, our names are Josh Winnokun
47:11And Alex Booker
47:12We'll see you next week for the next league
47:14I can be your hands baby
47:19I can hands away the pain
47:25Oh yeah!
47:26Ha!
47:28I'm all hands by you forever
47:34You can take my hands away
47:49Let's go!
48:03We'll see you soon!
48:05We'll see you next week!
48:08Good luck!
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