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00:00Tonight on 22 Minutes, we crash the press gallery dinner.
00:03A turkey pardons a turkey.
00:05We dig out our winter clothes.
00:07And the White House press secretary gets real.
00:1022 Minutes starts now!
00:30Where are we now?
00:32Can we open a present, Mommy, please?
00:35Okay, but then we have to wait for Daddy to open the rest.
00:38Yay!
00:40Is that your college sweetheart?
00:43Yes.
00:44You broke up with her when you got that big job at the investment firm in the city.
00:49And is this your life if you had stayed, settled down, and started a family?
00:55I love Daddy.
00:56And he loves you too, kids.
00:58And so you must choose.
01:01Continue to worship money, drinking in one-night stands, or have a family.
01:07Loving...
01:08The first one.
01:09What?
01:10Yeah, I choose the first one.
01:12Easy choice.
01:13Yeah, my other life is way better than this.
01:15Like, I have two kids in this scenario?
01:17Well, yes.
01:18What about the, uh, the old ball and change?
01:20She even into threesomes?
01:21No.
01:22Oh, yeah.
01:23I choose the other life.
01:24I want to be rich, alone, and living in a big loft apartment.
01:26That's what I want.
01:27I mean, this place is a dump.
01:29What's that awful smell?
01:30Freshly baked cookies.
01:32Oh.
01:33Jim.
01:34You're here.
01:35She can see us?
01:36Uh, well, yes.
01:37I thought this is a life you would want.
01:39Most people usually do.
01:40Where the hell have you been?
01:41Who's this guy?
01:42It's a Christmas angel.
01:44He's showing me different versions of my life.
01:46Wait, so this isn't real?
01:48Technically, no.
01:49But you do exist in the current world where Jim broke up with you.
01:53You're alone.
01:54No husband.
01:56No kids.
01:57Yeah, take me there.
01:58That one.
01:59Yep, let's go.
02:00Sorry?
02:01I want that one.
02:02Yep.
02:03Bye.
02:04Bye, guys.
02:05Rich and alone.
02:06Rich and alone.
02:07Rich and alone.
02:08They're not real.
02:09Mommy.
02:16Welcome to the show.
02:18Prime Minister Kearney went to Alberta Thursday where he was welcomed with open arms instead
02:23of the usual middle fingers.
02:25And he showed us he has what it takes to build the nation.
02:39Oh, I didn't know it was take your prime minister to work day.
02:48Kearney was in Calgary to talk pipelines with Premier Daniel Smith and sign a memorandum
02:52of understanding.
02:53Just look at all this understanding.
02:55All right, so, um, why have you done this before?
03:00Doug, just sign it and look up.
03:02You know it's bad for the country when it's making Daniel Smith this happy.
03:16It was a perfectly choreographed photo op, but we shouldn't be surprised.
03:20Kearney learned from the worst.
03:28Uh, rule of thumb, never do the Trump.
03:31If you find yourself asking, do we do the Trump, the answer is no.
03:36The memorandum puts federal support behind a new pipeline and makes Alberta exempt from
03:41environmental regulations in exchange for raising its price on carbon and committing
03:45to net zero by 2050.
03:47And thanks to deals like this, net zero, of course, refers to the Earth's population.
03:53The agreement has many critics.
03:55B.C. Premier David Eby is furious.
03:57Environmentalist Stephen Gabbo left Kearney's cabinet and Coastal First Nations chiefs like
04:02Marilyn Slett say they were never consulted.
04:04The new Minister of Energy, Tim Hodgson, wants everyone to chill.
04:09Marilyn Slett did mention that you had reached out, but she says that the timeline that was offered,
04:13it's just impossible for them to get from where they are in the coast of B.C. to the time and place of the meeting.
04:18So, like...
04:19It's called Zoom.
04:20It's called Zoom.
04:21It's called Zoom.
04:22Well...
04:23You know, it's a wonderful...
04:24I think that's what we're using, David.
04:26I understand.
04:27I understand.
04:28But I'm also not a Coastal First Nation chief.
04:30Minister of Energy, more like the Minister of Weird Energy.
04:33The agreement led to Mark Carney getting a standing ovation in the Calgary Chamber of Commerce surrounded by oil execs.
04:40But it didn't go nearly as well for Smith at her party's convention on the weekend.
04:44But I hope people today feel a lot more confident than Canada Works than they did a couple of days ago.
04:49I never thought I'd say this, but...
04:57Do the Trump.
04:58Just do the Trump.
04:59Do the Trump.
05:00Do the Trump.
05:05Oh, where are you coming from?
05:08Well, I was just with Mark...
05:10Carney...
05:11Mr. Prime Minister...
05:13And?
05:14It's official.
05:15He said yes!
05:16Oh, really?
05:17Yeah, we're gonna build a pipeline together.
05:20Oh, let's see, let's see.
05:23Oh, wow!
05:25It's gorgeous.
05:26Yeah.
05:27And huge.
05:28He did good, didn't he?
05:29Watch out, BC.
05:30Oh, it's every little girl's dream to grow up and build a big old nasty pipeline.
05:37So, details, details, what are we thinking?
05:39Well, I think we're gonna be a little classic.
05:42You know, something old, him and me.
05:44Something new, my orthotics.
05:46Something borrowed.
05:47Indigenous land!
05:48Some would say stolen.
05:49Yeah.
05:50And what about for something blue?
05:53The ocean.
05:54Well, not for long.
05:55So, have you set a date?
05:57Well, we're really enjoying the planning stages.
06:01This is just all moving so fast.
06:03Mm-hmm.
06:04Are you sure Carney's committed?
06:05Oh, yeah.
06:06He gave me a memorandum of understanding.
06:07A memorandum of understanding?
06:09Yeah.
06:10It's a promise to make a promise.
06:13Swoon.
06:14I don't know, Danielle.
06:15Are you sure he's not playing you?
06:17No, Mark's a great guy.
06:18He loves money and he doesn't even care about the environment.
06:22Oh?
06:23Oh, wow.
06:24He just sent me a photo of his pipeline.
06:27Oh?
06:30Am I a lucky premier or what?
06:32Oh, you better lock that down.
06:33Oh, yeah.
06:34Wow.
06:35Happy Thanksgiving, America.
06:40It's me, your president, and I'm sure you're all very grateful.
06:43We have a turkey which is a tremendous beast, isn't it?
06:46But it's a disaster of an animal.
06:49The turkeys are boys and the chickens are girls.
06:52The chickens are much sexier, aren't they?
06:55Gonzo the Great knew that.
06:56Colonel Sanders did, too.
06:58They were both trusted friends and they are not on the Epstein list, believe me.
07:02But we eat the turkey because it has the beautiful breasts, even though it's a boy.
07:08Thanksgiving is when we remember the pilgrims coming in their boat
07:12and they were the right kind of immigrants back then, let me tell you.
07:15But if they were coming today, we'd blow them right out of the water, wouldn't we?
07:20First, we've got to pardon this little guy.
07:22It's a white-ass tradition, but last year's pardons are invalid
07:25because Biden used an auto pen.
07:27So, we just killed last year's birds and, boy, were they delicious.
07:32So, we're gonna pardon this guy. He's a beautiful bird, isn't he, folks?
07:36Especially the neck.
07:37And that's the perfect neck for a bird or a human.
07:40A turkey neck is a compliment, quite frankly,
07:42and not at all why I am wearing scarf.
07:46And now we're gonna pardon this turkey.
07:48I don't know what crime he committed.
07:49Don't ask, don't tell, but his people paid up, so he's getting a pardon.
07:53Like I say, you peck my back and I will peck yours, quite frankly.
07:58So, let's pardon this turkey, but let's do a little warm-up pardon first, just for fun.
08:03P. Diddy, Puff Daddy, and Sean Combs.
08:05We're gonna pardon them because they're good guys.
08:08We love them, and it's time to pardon this turkey.
08:11He looks so exotic. He looks very exotic.
08:13Which reminds me, I'm pardoning Joe Exotic. He deserves it.
08:17Gave us a lot of laughs during COVID.
08:19And Ghislaine Maxwell. We're gonna pardon her.
08:22While we're at it, we're gonna pardon Colonel Sanders and Donzo the Great.
08:25He's a wonderful Muppet.
08:27And those chickens were lying, let me tell you. Nasty chickens.
08:30Congrats, Ghislaine. I'll see you at Christmas on Trump Island, quite frankly.
08:34And since I'm here, I pardon Steve Bannon, Roger Stone, Darth Vader, and the Zodiac Killer.
08:40We don't know who he is, but he's pardoned. Thank you.
08:44Okay, I forgot to pardon the turkey. Pardon me.
08:48Would you look at that? I think I just pardoned myself. Oops.
08:52All right, pluck this guy. Let's eat.
09:08Oxford University has decided the 2025 word of the year is rage bait.
09:13And the fact that that's two words makes me really mad.
09:19In Ontario this week, Doug Ford's new housing bill was met with protests from activists in the chamber.
09:24But the premier had some helpful advice.
09:26You're putting people on the streets.
09:31From his seat, the premier yelled back for that demonstrator to get a job.
09:35Yeah, get a job. It's easy. Look at Doug. You don't even need to know what you're doing.
09:42Ford's comment grabbed international headlines, and the opposition was quick to pounce.
09:48Congratulations, premier. You are officially an international embarrassment.
09:52The New York Times took notice of the premier sneering at hard-working Ontarians.
09:57He even made the crossword. One across. Big dumb premier.
10:01Ford didn't back down. He says they're not even real protesters. They're professionals.
10:06We give money to agencies, and they funnel it quietly to these left-wing radical groups.
10:13Are they jobless moochers or paid protesters? Pick a lane, Doug.
10:18No, not that one. That's the bike lane.
10:20This weekend in Ottawa, politicians came together to mix and mingle with the media at the social events of the year, the Press Gallery Dinner.
10:40It's like a do-over prom for high school virgins.
10:45The night included speeches from the prime minister and party leaders.
10:49A surprising standout was interim NDP leader Don Davies.
10:53My name is Don Davies, and my pronouns are broke and irrelevant.
10:59He would have gotten a bigger laugh if the other NDP members weren't busy catering.
11:08Okay, Abba, you are leaving out the highlight. There was one other really funny guy there.
11:14Good evening, gentlemen and biological clocks.
11:21I am conservative leader and star of This Hour Has 22 Minutes, Pierre Polyef.
11:29The conservative party invited me to soften their image, and I said three things.
11:34Absolutely not. Open bar? I'll be there.
11:38I'm late. I don't know. Is Mark Carney here? I don't know. Ah, who cares?
11:43He's doing my ideas as well. Pipelines and firing everybody is what I would do.
11:49This proves it wasn't my policies you didn't like. It really was me. Yeah. It really was.
11:58Yeah. I did so well. I felt bad for the guy who had to follow me.
12:05Long live the CBC. Long live the CBC, everybody. Long live the CBC.
12:14Now, if anyone out there is worried that I helped Pierre be more likable, don't worry. Pierre made sure that didn't happen.
12:39Well, before I take my seat and grimace my way through the rest of the evening, let me say I can't wait to be Prime Minister so that I never have to come back to this God's forsaken event.
12:54All right, babe, we gotta go. Jeff and Lisa are already at the restaurant. Oh, and it's cold out. You'll need your winter coat.
13:03You'll need your winter coat.
13:04Oh, right there.
13:05Got it.
13:06Great.
13:14Come on, Zipper. Come on.
13:16I think you need a new coat.
13:17Josh, are you kidding me? This is a Canada Goose jacket. It was so expensive.
13:21All right, but it doesn't fit.
13:23I paid $2,000 for this jacket. I'm gonna be buried in it.
13:27Are you sure?
13:28Yeah, as long as I just suck in and I don't breathe, there's no problem.
13:32It just doesn't look comfortable.
13:33I've never been more comfortable.
13:35Okay, just push on my boobs now so I can get the zipper over them.
13:38Okay.
13:39Just get in there.
13:40Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
13:41Go for it.
13:42All right, zip. Zip it up. Go, zip. Just pull.
13:44Push on up.
13:45I am. There's no give.
13:46Don't push on my boobs like that.
13:48You asked me to do that.
13:52Just get a new coat.
13:53No, I'll just get a breast reduction.
13:55It's cheaper.
13:56All right, just...
13:57Okay, just hold on.
13:58One.
13:59Two.
14:00I'm in.
14:02Okay, you can't go out like that.
14:03You can't even put your arms down.
14:05You look ridiculous.
14:06Josh, look at the puff on this thing.
14:08Still got it.
14:09See, this is the quality you pay for, right?
14:10Okay, you can't breathe.
14:11I'm zipping you.
14:12No, no, no, don't unzip.
14:13I'm gonna unzip you.
14:14Don't unzip me, okay?
14:15Isn't that crazy?
14:16Look, this is normal.
14:17I'm a normal lady in a normal coat.
14:18Just because you buy something expensive
14:20doesn't mean you have to wear it
14:21for the rest of your life.
14:24You're right.
14:25I'm gonna unzip you.
14:26All right.
14:27Okay, I'm unzipping you.
14:28Okay.
14:29One, two, three.
14:32Oh, my God.
14:33That's crazy.
14:34Yeah.
14:35Oh.
14:36Okay.
14:37Sorry, I did that to you girls.
14:38Ready to go?
14:39Yeah.
14:40All right.
14:41Just gotta put this puppy on.
14:42Okay.
14:45Okay.
14:46You ready?
14:47Get an ejected.
14:48I've got this thing forever.
14:49I'm not getting a new one.
14:50This is Dan Yang.
14:51This is cool.
14:52I'm Tom Cruise.
14:54Vince Shlomi, better known as the Sham Wow Guy, announced he's running for Congress in Texas.
15:08And have you thought politics was already a sham?
15:11Wow!
15:13Donald Trump has served just over 300 days in office, and no one has had to work harder than White House Press Secretary Caroline Levitt.
15:20Let's take a look.
15:21Okay, you friggin' vultures.
15:24What dumbass questions do you have for me today?
15:26And remember, you're lucky we're even letting you ask questions.
15:29Is the president using the justice system for his own personal vendettas against the Democrats?
15:34Okay, first of all, fix your tone.
15:37Second of all, if the president hates someone, you should hate them too.
15:41That's how this works.
15:43Okay?
15:44Like, for example, the president hates you.
15:47And honestly, given all the attitude you just gave me...
15:51Same.
15:52Next question.
15:53The president says he will release the Epstein files, but critics are concerned that the documents will be heavily redacted.
16:00If you were in the Epstein files, wouldn't you want them redacted too?
16:03Seriously, what kind of woke, rap-ring question was that?
16:06Embarrassing.
16:07Next.
16:08Will the president be apologizing for calling a reporter piggy?
16:11Would you all rather he say stuff like that behind your backs?
16:14I think we'd all rather you not say that kind of stuff at all.
16:17Oh, really?
16:18I guess you also hope that he does the things that he says he's gonna do?
16:21I mean, like, grow up, his friends.
16:23Please don't call me that.
16:24Please don't call me that.
16:25That's what you sound like.
16:26It's embarrassing.
16:27Grow up, loser.
16:29And while you're at it, why don't you take a shower?
16:31Because everyone here says you stink.
16:33No, they don't.
16:34Yes, they do.
16:35No, they don't.
16:36Yes, they do.
16:37Next.
16:38Do you think saying that Democrats should be hung could incite violence?
16:41Oh, my God.
16:42It's like you can't even threaten people with death anymore.
16:45Seriously, everyone.
16:47Lighten up.
16:48Could you elaborate on that?
16:50Do you want to die?
16:52Do you?
16:53I'm kidding.
16:56I'm kidding.
16:57Or am I?
17:00Last cue.
17:01And hurry up.
17:02After a long day of gaslighting and spinning the truth to fit your narrative,
17:06Mm-hmm.
17:07How do you live with yourself?
17:09I'm very pretty.
17:17Scientists are supposing that woolly mammoths roamed Quebec over 100,000 years ago after
17:22finding an ancient tooth covered in cigarette stains.
17:26This week, the NDP took the first step in rebuilding its party nationwide with a French language
17:33leadership debate in Montreal.
17:35The catch?
17:36None of them speak French.
17:38Rob Ashton.
17:39What was your first job?
17:43My first job?
17:45I worked at a place called...
17:47Oh, Jesus.
17:48Uh, je travailleur, uh, liquidation world.
17:58Well, you might want to see if liquidation world is still hiring because you as NDP leader,
18:03it's not gonna travailleur.
18:05There's a lot of talk about the Liberals and the Conservatives these days, but it's important
18:12for Canadians to remember that there's another choice.
18:15The NDP.
18:16My name is Jeff, and I'm the NDP.
18:20I'm not a candidate.
18:21I'm the whole party.
18:22You want a hospital in every town?
18:24Sure.
18:25How about free university?
18:26Not a problem.
18:27You want to make gas illegal?
18:29Okay.
18:30It's not gonna happen anyway, so it's all a yes from Jeff.
18:35I'm always high, and I don't have a chance of ever forming government.
18:39So it's business as usual for the NDP.
18:43Join us.
18:44Won't you?
18:46I'm kidding.
18:49I know you won't.
18:51The NDP.
18:53The Not Dead Party.
18:55Sort of.
19:00This week, a study showed cats greet male owners with more vocalization than with female
19:11owners.
19:12But really, they wouldn't have to if men just heard them the first time.
19:15Yeah.
19:16Open up your ears.
19:18It was reported that Donald Trump fought with the architect of his White House ballroom
19:23because it wasn't big enough.
19:25Because when you're his age, you just need a little more ballroom.
19:28New studies show butt breathing could help people who can't get oxygen the regular way.
19:35So it turns out I have been giving CPR correctly.
19:44A Campbell's executive has been fired for saying its products contain 3D printed chicken
19:49and are for poor people.
19:51So let's hope he's stocked up.
19:53And now the company is doing damage control.
19:57Here at Campbell's Soup, we've always loved the poors.
20:02The impoverished.
20:03Even the sloven.
20:04It was when old man Campbell chucked soup cans out a carriage window at peons that he thought
20:10to himself, I should charge for this privilege.
20:13And we never looked back.
20:15Someone the other day said your split-piece soup is food.
20:19I mean, I wouldn't eat this crap with a stranger's mouth, but I guess some people would.
20:26You might have also heard our chickens are 3D printed.
20:29That couldn't be further from the truth.
20:32Our chickens are lovingly cut from a quivering pink slab of hen matter we call the beast.
20:38Which is ethical because the beast can't feel pain.
20:42Poors love our soups.
20:44Don't believe me?
20:45Ask one of our taste testers.
20:47Can I have my dollop now?
20:50You'll run for it!
20:52Ah!
20:53Ah!
20:54Campbell's Soup.
20:57Legally, it's not gruel.
20:59Get it!
21:01Find it!
21:02Enjoy it!
21:05That's the way we saw the world this week.
21:10We'll be back December 31st at 8pm for the 22 minutes New Year's Eve pregame special.
21:15Until then, Happy Holidays!
21:17Happy Holidays!
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