- 5 months ago
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Hey, everybody!
00:05Hello. How are you?
00:11Welcome to The Daily Show.
00:13Barbara Walters is off tonight at a Georgetown Bennegan's doing jello shots with Monica Lewinsky.
00:20I'm Jon Stewart.
00:22Coming up on today's show, Stephen Colbert visits a town full of dead people.
00:25We incur the wrath of God stuff, and Jerry Ryan drops by.
00:28Anyway, she will be mine.
00:31But first, headlines.
00:42The mouth that snored.
00:45Barbara Walters, who makes us all feel dirty,
00:48has just finished airing her long-awaited 2020 interview with Monica Lewinsky,
00:51who employed nothing more than an industrial bear trap to keep her trademark hair helmet pulled back.
00:59When Walters asked if Bill Clinton is a sensuous man, Monica answered, quote,
01:05I think he is a very sensuous man who has a lot of sensuous feelings.
01:08And I think he tries to hold himself back and then can't anymore.
01:12Then she added, this whole process usually takes about 8 to 10 seconds.
01:23Lewinsky said her liaison with Clinton was, quote,
01:28the most amazing experience of my life.
01:31A description she had only previously given to reading Flowers in the Attic,
01:34seeing Phantom on stage in Baltimore,
01:36and helping special ed kids pull taffy in high school.
01:43Monica also said she was so upset at her treatment by Kenneth Starr's prosecutors
01:47that she briefly considered jumping out of a 10th floor window in their presence
01:51and was saved only by thoughts of her parents and lunch.
01:56Finally,
01:57finally, Monica recalled Bill Clinton with love.
02:05Quote,
02:05he was very tender with me.
02:07He was very affectionate.
02:09Adding,
02:10he put a cigar in my vagina.
02:12All right.
02:21We don't have her much longer,
02:23so we got to get in on it.
02:25Mommy,
02:26how I love you,
02:26how I love you.
02:28In their ongoing quest to hit rock bottom,
02:30last night,
02:30Fox TV vomited forth opening the lost tombs live from Egypt.
02:35Maury Chung Povich took time off
02:37and interviewing outraged teens whose mothers dress like hoochies
02:41to unearth an ancient skeleton and a mummy,
02:43which were buried right next to his journalistic credibility.
02:48Leading the expedition was archaeologist Zawi Hawass,
02:52described as an affable and respected scholar
02:54who's trusted enough to be allowed inside the pyramids,
02:57but discredited enough to be working for Fox.
03:01A search by the anxious archaeologist through the underground passageways
03:05revealed a body that experts believed was probably the mummy of a high priest named Kai
03:10or the remains of the last woman Hawass lured down there.
03:17Hawass said he planned to remove the mummy for important experiments,
03:25including one involving the carpool lane.
03:29And those were headlines.
03:31Bhopal, Chernobyl, the Triangle Shirtwaist Fire.
03:42Catastrophic accidents that haunt us still.
03:45And now, sadly, another tragedy.
03:46This one much closer to home.
03:48Stephen Colbert reports.
03:48Saratoga Springs, New York.
03:53A safe, picturesque community, in reality.
03:57But on paper, it's home to one of the most deadly accidents of our time.
04:03This is Ground Zero, the city finance office,
04:06where on January 29th, 350 municipal employees were declared dead.
04:12You had the guts to break this story.
04:16Tell us in your own words, what did you uncover?
04:20A few hundred city employees got W-2 forms that were marked deceased
04:23because there was a misalignment in the printer.
04:27How many people died?
04:29No one died.
04:31Then why the X under deceased?
04:36It was a misalignment in the printer.
04:37The printer made a mistake.
04:41And that ended up killing people.
04:43No.
04:44But why blame a machine when we can blame Commissioner of Finance Michael Lenz,
04:49who claims to be innocent?
04:51Mr. Lenz, if you're so innocent, then why won't you admit that you're not?
04:57Why won't I admit that I'm not innocent?
05:01Innocent of what?
05:03You tell me.
05:04Well, I don't know that there's any blame that needs to be laid at anybody's.
05:09Oh, there never is.
05:10But there are victims, and they clearly blame Michael Lenz.
05:14If Michael Lenz is to blame, don't do anything.
05:19Just sit there still.
05:24Okay.
05:25How can I be clear?
05:26What went through your mind when you heard?
05:32Did you feel rage?
05:37Scared.
05:38Scared?
05:39Scared.
05:40I was shocked.
05:41Shocked?
05:43Angry.
05:45Rage?
05:45Is there a lot of rage in Saratoga Springs?
05:50I wouldn't say there's a lot of rage.
05:52There's a lot of emotional distress.
05:57Rage?
05:58No, I don't see the rage.
06:01I wouldn't see the rage.
06:04No rage.
06:04It's a beginning.
06:05It's a beginning of the feeling of, why did this happen?
06:09Mm-hmm.
06:09And if those choose to come and look at their rage, we can help them.
06:15So there is rage.
06:16Okay, there is rage.
06:18And this ever-mounting rage could backfire on the whistleblower.
06:23How do you think the mayor's office would react if they found out that you had written the article?
06:29They do know that I wrote the article.
06:32How do they know that?
06:33They saw my name on the article.
06:44And how's that been?
06:47Fine.
06:48All right, so nobody's dead, but does anybody have anything wrong?
06:54Anything at all?
06:58My knee hurts.
06:59For these stoic Saratogians, the physical wounds may heal, but the grief will, no doubt, linger on.
07:11We only have a minute more.
07:12Does anybody want to cry?
07:14We could use some tears just as a button here.
07:18Anybody?
07:18Stephen Colbert, ladies and gentlemen.
07:29Stephen, I understand that must have been a very difficult story to tackle.
07:32As a reporter, how do you retain your objectivity in the face of that kind of tragedy and sadness?
07:38Well, John, I just had so much rage, you know?
07:56I was so angry about it.
07:58And I'm just, this job is just killing me.
08:01Like, my itches, I'm dying inside.
08:05Oh, my God, you know, I'm cold.
08:07Oh, my God.
08:09What have I done?
08:10Oh, my God.
08:12Hold me.
08:13What?
08:16Help me.
08:18I'm so lonely.
08:19Thank you, Stephen.
08:22See you in summer stock.
08:25Coming up, some guy named Jerry Ryan is going to...
08:27Hey, that's no guy.
08:28You're watching The Daily Show on Comedy Central.
08:30Stephen Colbert!
08:35Welcome back to the show, everybody.
08:37Coming up, I'm going to be spending four minutes with seven and nine.
08:40But first, in other news.
08:46A day in the life of Ivan Donutsovich.
08:48More bad news for Mother Russia.
08:51Dunkin' Donuts is closing its Moscow stores due to the region's complete economic collapse.
08:57Sales have dropped by more than 50% since August,
09:00and franchise owners say Muscovites simply never took to the pastries,
09:04as things that are delicious send them into toxic shock.
09:09According to market experts, donut sales began to plummet
09:12shortly after impoverished Moscow residents realized
09:15the hole in the middle was too small to sleep in.
09:18They're poor.
09:24The devastated Russian economy has affected other American companies operating Moscow as well,
09:29like the International House of Borscht,
09:31and thank God it's Muyishkenaya's.
09:34That was other news.
09:39Muyishkenaya.
09:39Now, as you know, tonight, Barbara Walters spent two hours grilling Monica Lewinsky.
09:46And Monica still wasn't cooked all the way through.
09:48Folks!
09:49Come on!
09:50She's a big woman!
09:52Actually, Monica handled herself with a plum.
09:56A plum pudding!
09:57People!
09:58Come on!
09:59We've run out of jokes!
10:06Monica did cry during the interview,
10:08but could any of us withstand the withering Walters assault dry-eyed?
10:13I'm about to find out as I take the Barbara Walters challenge.
10:17Now, these questions that I'll be answering come directly from the Lewinsky-Walters interview
10:24transcripts, but the answers come directly from my heart.
10:29Is Bill Clinton a sensuous, passionate man?
10:32Oh, yeah.
10:37Barbara, he is.
10:38I remember one time I was orally pleasing him.
10:44While he was talking on the phone, eating cold pizza, and watching football,
10:48it was like something out of a romance novel.
10:52Next question.
10:54Did you feel you were in competition with Hillary Clinton?
10:58Please!
10:59Look at me, Barbara.
11:00Competition with Hillary.
11:01Hillary, talk to the palm, because I'm the bomb.
11:03Next question.
11:04Did Bill Clinton ever discuss marriage with you?
11:08Did Bill Clinton ever discuss marriage with me?
11:12Interesting.
11:13He did, Barbara.
11:16Always before, never after.
11:18You get what I'm saying?
11:20Always before.
11:20Interesting, don't you think?
11:21Next question.
11:23What do you think of Linda Tripp?
11:29At first, I felt like she was like his sister to me.
11:32Then like a mother.
11:34Then like a sister who mother...
11:35Huh?
11:43I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I...
11:45What the hell?
11:47Next question.
11:48Why did you guys get rid of five questions?
11:51Damn thee, Barbara Walters!
11:56Damn thee to the blackest hell!
11:58I lose!
12:07Wow.
12:08That was some of my finest acting since Half-Baked.
12:11All right.
12:13I guess.
12:14Yes.
12:14I know you're all watching on weed.
12:16All right.
12:16Please welcome Jerry Ryan.
12:39It's actually UPN's Star Trek.
12:41Is that UPN?
12:41Yeah.
12:42I'm sorry.
12:42I'm so crazy about Dawson's Creek.
12:44I must have slipped up.
12:46Is that UPN's, that's the Paramount Network?
12:49Yes.
12:49Oh, okay.
12:49I should remember them.
12:50They actually fired me.
12:52I actually, that's one of those things I should probably not forget.
12:55It's like the mental block, I guess.
12:56Exactly.
12:56Just saying it.
12:57On the show, okay, you're obviously much prettier in person than with that thing on your head.
13:05Although, it seems like you have the easy job on the show in that you just show up and
13:09kind of, whatever, take off your overcoat and go in, whereas the guys look like they
13:13have to get there at two in the morning to get, like, the fake head and the, you know.
13:16Like, it seems like in space, in the future, all the girls are kind of hot and, like, have
13:22aluminum foil on their eye and the guys have, like, paper mache heads with gills or something.
13:27Like, it's...
13:28Although, although, they're not completely sexist because my first two episodes, I was
13:31a complete Borg, which is the nightmare makeup, which is full bald cap and gray modeled airbrush
13:37paint and metal plates on my head and tubes coming out of my neck.
13:41And then they went, ah, let's put in our leotard.
13:44How about that?
13:46Why not?
13:46Pretty much, yeah.
13:47That's what we heard that way.
13:48That's what we heard that way.
13:50You're huge on the internet.
13:53Huge.
13:54It's, uh, they're crazy about you.
13:56And then I read somewhere that you like guns.
13:59And I thought, wow, she's even going to be bigger on the internet.
14:02That's even going to be, you're going to be even huger.
14:04Are you really a gun enthusiast?
14:06Well, excuse me.
14:08I was on a series before Star Trek called Dark Skies, which was sort of a thank you.
14:12One of the eight people who actually saw the series, whatever it's on.
14:18Um, and I was this Russian agent, so I got to use a lot of guns, which was fun.
14:22So I had my little .22 that I carried around all the time and got to shoot a lot.
14:25And I shot some .45s.
14:26So I got to shoot an M-16 in one episode.
14:28You're crazy turning me on right now.
14:29And it was crazy turning me on.
14:31You're making me a little crazy right now.
14:34The way you're just tossing it off like it's nothing.
14:37Come on.
14:37But it was fun.
14:38I mean, they created a monster.
14:39Yeah, yeah.
14:40It's a big adrenaline rush.
14:41Come on.
14:41Come on.
14:42Uh, have you actually, when you're not doing the characters, you go to like a firing range?
14:46No, I haven't.
14:47I always said I was going to it.
14:48I've never gotten around to doing it.
14:49Were these real guns they gave you?
14:50Yeah, they're real guns.
14:51They're real guns with blanks.
14:53Right.
14:53Full load blanks.
14:54And now on the show, what do you have, what is it, like a flashlight?
14:56I have a phaser.
14:58Yeah.
15:00Yeah, I'm not real impressed with the Star Trek weaponry.
15:02I've got to be honest.
15:03It's very anticlimactic after shooting an M-16.
15:05Isn't it like plastic around?
15:06It does nothing.
15:07Because you can buy them in the stores.
15:08It's like a flashlight with a little plastic around it.
15:09It doesn't even light up.
15:10Oh, it doesn't?
15:10You go like this.
15:13And that's about the effect.
15:14There's nothing.
15:15There's nothing.
15:15You make the face?
15:16Yeah.
15:16Do you guys just, do you, uh, is this the show with the Ferengis?
15:22That's Deep Space Nine.
15:24Yeah, all right.
15:26Is this, uh...
15:28Right franchise, wrong series.
15:30Tell me, tell me this, tell me this.
15:31Who is the smoking man?
15:33No, I'm sorry.
15:34I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm sorry.
15:35I've got to start watching these things.
15:37Now, you, you were, uh, you're actually, you were born in Munich, am I right?
15:40Yes, I was an army brat.
15:41When did you move here?
15:42Oh, you're army brat?
15:43Mm-hmm.
15:43Now, those army brats usually, to my taste, uh, either very, very successful in later life
15:49or psychotic.
15:50Yes, or both.
15:51Haven't you seen that?
15:52Yes.
15:52And you, obviously, on the other side of that.
15:53Brothers and sisters?
15:54I have one brother, he's a year older, who lives here, actually, in New York.
15:57Oh, really?
15:57Mm-hmm.
15:58And he enjoys it here?
15:58So you spend some time here in New York?
16:00Uh, just mostly a couple days at a stretch when I come out to do this kind of stuff.
16:05Yeah, yeah, yeah.
16:05No, a couple days is all I need, actually.
16:06That's nice.
16:07That's nice.
16:07All right.
16:09Now, tell me, uh, Star Trek Voyager is on UPN.
16:12Give me the whole information so it doesn't screw it up.
16:13Wednesday nights at, I think, 9 o'clock East Coast, 8 o'clock Central.
16:17Okay, very nice.
16:18Jerry, I thank you very much for coming by.
16:19Please come by again.
16:20Jerry Ryan, ladies and gentlemen.
16:30Still to come, we all rise for the God stuff.
16:32First, this just in.
16:34Please don't feed the dead bear.
16:41In China, a beloved rare species died this week.
16:44No, not civil rights.
16:45That died a while ago.
16:47But a giant panda named Jai Jai.
16:50The Chinese people are so overcome with grief and love for this beautiful, gentle creature
16:54that even now, taxidermists are stuffing him so he can continue to bring joy to citizens
17:00as a rigid, ghoulish husk.
17:03We are not lying.
17:06When the stuffing is complete, Jai Jai will be displayed at a natural history museum
17:11where visitors can relive the panda's glory days at the zoo by beaning him with corn nuts
17:16and batteries.
17:19Why don't we hear from the taxidermist?
17:20Jai Jai go, bye-bye.
17:25So we take a big spoon, scoop him out, and nare him to a tree for children's happiness.
17:31And that was this just in.
17:37And now John Bloom visits the purgatory that is religious broadcasting, Behold God Stuff.
17:50Bob Larson has been driving demons out of people for 25 years.
17:57But like all good exorcists, his work is never done.
18:00Some people just never listen.
18:03Jesus!
18:04Jesus.
18:05Christ!
18:07Say Christ!
18:11Say it!
18:11All right!
18:12Needless to say, exorcism is tougher than it looks.
18:19Command you to tell me.
18:20What is your legal authority?
18:21What is it?
18:23Tell me!
18:23B-b-blood!
18:25What blood?
18:27What blood?
18:28Baby blood!
18:29Baby blood?
18:32Now Bob takes a page from Pygmalion when he has a hell of a time getting a certain possessed
18:36lady to say, pit.
18:39Say pit!
18:40No!
18:40Say pit!
18:42Say pit!
18:44Say pit!
18:45I've got hours of this stuff, really.
18:47But first, are you happy with your current long-distance carrier?
18:52Did you know that you can turn the ordinary act of making a long-distance call into a dynamic
18:57tool for fighting the forces of darkness?
19:00That's right.
19:00Unlike the other major long-distance carriers, most of which either support anti-Christian
19:05causes or supply services that are immoral.
19:08And now, back to our regularly scheduled demon.
19:12Satan, demon, get out of the way.
19:14Get out of the way.
19:16Get out of the way.
19:17Get out of the way.
19:19You filthy, stinking demon in hell.
19:21Get out of there.
19:21I'm trying to talk to this young man.
19:22You'll be happy to know that young man was cured, and he now works with apes as an interpreter.
19:29I'm John Bloom, and this has been God Stuff.
19:32I want you to know that God didn't die for good people.
19:36He died for the lowlifes like you.
19:39That's right.
19:39I'm sorry, folks.
19:43We're completely out of time.
19:45It's been a very emotional show.
19:46Now, here it is, your moment of zen.
19:58I'm sorry.
Comments