- 2 days ago
Category
✨
PeopleTranscript
00:00Welcome to The Daily Show. My name is Jon Stewart. Tonight's show, uh, I can't wait for it to be
00:07over.
00:09That's not true. Uh, it's gonna be a damn good one. From the West Wing, Allison Janney will be joining
00:13us.
00:13Frank DeCarroll will... Oh, please, feel free.
00:20Pardon me for me to dampen your explosive enthusiasm.
00:24Frank DeCarroll's gonna, uh, become the last person in America to review Attack of the Clones.
00:28Um, I bet it's gonna be nice.
00:34And more importantly, all across America, college students are graduating.
00:37High school seniors are winding down their final days.
00:39Uh, it's a magical time, uh, for youth to be involved in that.
00:46It's, it's, uh, that elusive castle, that grand protective womb of education.
00:53Enjoy, enjoy those times.
00:55And I have not been formally invited to speak at any of these, uh, graduations, et cetera.
01:02Really, even invited. Really, in many respects, I've gotten, uh, seven specifically prohibiting me from going.
01:09But I do want to say this one thing without that platform, but from the platform I have right now,
01:13to, to the young people of this country, if I, if I may, can I have some of your blood?
01:21For I am growing weak.
01:24Each day I feel myself slipping, and only your nutrient-rich life force can sustain me.
01:34How many, how many, how many people right now at home do you think I'm creeping out right now?
01:39Are you just a bunch of kids?
01:41Mom!
01:42Come on!
01:47What was I looking for?
01:48I'm not gonna lie to you people.
01:50I love fundraising.
01:52And you know who else loves the fundraising?
01:53Republicans.
01:55And on Tuesday, a mere six months before unlimited soft money checks are banned by campaign finance law,
02:01the Republican National Committee broke the single-night fundraising record, taking in $33 million.
02:07I mean, look, money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you a little influence.
02:13Now, while the dinner cost a sky-high $2,500 a plate, the GOP was not insensitive to the desire
02:20of their less wealthy constituents to participate, which is why, for a donation of only $75,
02:25you could stand outside and push your nose against the glass.
02:30That's them.
02:31That's them right there.
02:32That's actually, sadly, their noses aren't up against the glass.
02:35That's their noses.
02:37That's their noses.
02:38Here's a look at just some of the prices for last night's soiree.
02:42A ticket to the 2002 GOP Presidential Gala, $2,500.
02:46Minimum donation necessary to qualify for exclusive meetings with top White House Cabinet officials, $15,000.
02:51Amount required to be named co-chairman of the gala, $500,000.
02:56Look on your stockholders' faces when administration officials announce a shift in regulatory policy
03:01that will net your company a multimillion-dollar windfall.
03:04Priceless.
03:10Perhaps the most controversial element of the RNC's new fundraising push is a photograph of President Bush aboard Air Force
03:18One
03:18speaking to Vice President Cheney on September 11th.
03:22That goes for a $150 donation.
03:26Following the scandals of the Clinton presidency, which included selling of the Lincoln Bedroom and Al Gore's fundraising flaps,
03:32the Bush administration promised to clean up the White House.
03:36They said nothing, however, about turning Air Force One into the winged whore of the skies.
03:42Some guests at the soiree had no problem with the GOP's tactics, however.
03:48I don't see it selling access or anything like that.
03:51It's just a nice memento that you're able to take home and put on the wall and frame.
03:56Yes, a nice memento of September 11th.
03:59Yes.
04:00I'm the same way.
04:01My September 11th picture is going to look great right next to my Kristallnacht commemorative plates
04:07and my Challenger mouse pad.
04:12I turn...
04:15Wait, I don't really have those.
04:18That was the irony of the...
04:20I turn now to drugs, not out of desperation, but rather news relevance.
04:26You know those ads that you see on TV where stars like Mary J. Blige tell you not to do
04:30drugs,
04:30but all you can think is, man, Mary J. Blige is awesome!
04:34Well, it turns out you're supposed to be listening to what she's saying.
04:38President Bush's top drug policy advisor has come out and admitted
04:42that the government's multi-million dollar anti-drug...
04:45I'm joined now by Stephen Colbert, our senior Youth of Today analyst.
04:49Stephen, why have these anti-drug ads failed to strike a chord with the kids of today?
04:55Well, John, the reason is so obvious.
04:58You'd have to be strung out on some pretty deep horse not to get it.
05:02Kids, particularly teenagers, don't like being told what to do.
05:06And more importantly, what not to do by their elders.
05:10They're more inclined to do the exact opposite.
05:12Now, we at The Daily Show are as concerned about drug use as the next show,
05:17which is a Saturday Night Live rerun.
05:20So, I've taken the trouble to produce an ad that I think would be more effective
05:24in keeping our kids off the rock.
05:26Roll it, Chuck.
05:29Hi, I'm Stephen Colbert.
05:31I am a successful and respected authority figure, and I love drugs.
05:37There's nothing more I love than kicking back with some good friends,
05:41a cribbage board, a Benny Goodman album, and a whole lot of crack.
05:45Hey there.
05:47Yes?
05:47Would you like a reefer full of pot?
05:50All the hip kids are doing it.
05:52I would.
05:54It would be a perfect break from my job as a corporate drone
05:57to slip into a sweet, mellow high.
06:01Hey, guys.
06:02I'd love to do drugs with you, but I'm off to donate blood.
06:06Good call.
06:07So, take it from us, middle-aged adults with no idea what's cool.
06:12Drugs are cool!
06:16This message brought to you by the National Council, quote, against, unquote, drugs.
06:23Interesting.
06:24I have to say, first of all, I'm amazed you were able to produce that with me
06:28in a starring role without my conscious participation.
06:32Well, John, you were flying pretty high at the time.
06:36I guess I was.
06:38Do you really think ads like that are going to be more effective than the traditional ads?
06:42Oh, no, John.
06:44They won't be effective at all.
06:49All right.
06:50So, they won't be effective at all?
06:54Not at all, John.
07:03Are you coming on to me in a sexual way?
07:07Not at all, John.
07:13Stephen Colbert, everybody.
07:17I get that kind of talk from chicks all the time, quite frankly.
07:20Please welcome Allison Janney.
07:21Come on!
07:24Hello, you.
07:29I never saw that episode, so I didn't know I was so shrill.
07:41Wait, you've never seen that episode?
07:42No, I didn't see that episode.
07:43Oh, you should watch The West Wing.
07:44It's quite a good show.
07:46I never get to watch it.
07:47I never watch it.
07:48I'm telling you, I never get to watch it.
07:49I get the tapes after the fact in my trailer, and then every once in a while, I'll sit down
07:53and watch seven episodes in a row.
07:55See, here's what's crazy to me.
07:56You're a big star, and you live in a trailer.
07:58That's so weird.
08:01It's so true.
08:02I'm trailer trash, complete trailer trash.
08:04Terrible.
08:04I have flamingos in my, because Aaron gave my character the Secret Service code name of
08:09flamingos, so everyone in America sent me flamingos.
08:13And my trailer, I have pink flamingos that light up.
08:16I've got flamingo lights that, you know, are all inside.
08:18I've got a full bar.
08:20I've got the, you know, it's, I have a very happening party trailer.
08:25You really do.
08:25I do.
08:26You know, Jimmy Buffett's trailer looks very similar to that.
08:29Mingers and the whole thing.
08:31I'm sure it does.
08:32You, you, your show has now spanned two administrations.
08:35You basically, you started off in the Clinton administration.
08:37And they very much opened their arms.
08:40They loved us.
08:40They were just, they were, they invited us to every reindeer game in Washington.
08:45It was amazing.
08:46We went to, you know, the White House Correspondents' Dinner.
08:48We were invited to the White House and, and just everywhere.
08:51Everyone wanted to be part of it.
08:53Was this, was he a lame duck at that time?
08:54Was it, was, was the feeling like, we're getting out of here in six months, want to see
08:58where we keep the bombs?
09:00Like that sort of thing?
09:01Like how did they, what was the vibe?
09:03No, I never, I never, but see, I'm not politically savvy, John.
09:06I don't get, I'm like, when I'm around political people, I don't read the vibe at all.
09:11I'm just like, wow, I'm in the White House.
09:13This is cool.
09:13And God, you're, you do what?
09:15That's great.
09:16So you didn't know, like if people would walk by, you'd go, what do you do?
09:18And he's like, I'm the majority whip.
09:20And you're like, yeah, who cares?
09:21That kind of thing?
09:22And then you like, steal an ashtray and run out the back?
09:25I totally didn't care.
09:26I mean, you know, I met certain people that impressed me, but most of the time I didn't.
09:29And, and you know, it's so funny.
09:30This is sort of changing the subject, but people who go on tours at the White House now, they go,
09:34this is where CJ would work.
09:36This is where, you know, so it must kill the current administration to have them, you know,
09:40referring to all us Democrats.
09:42That's hilarious, though.
09:43Is this administration give you any action?
09:45Now, I imagine when it.
09:46It did.
09:46We went to the White House.
09:47They invited us to the White House.
09:48Sounds like once.
09:49It sounds like this event.
09:50Just once.
09:50And Martin Sheen is never invited to the White House.
09:53Really?
09:54Oh, no.
09:55Can I tell you something?
09:55He stayed at my house once.
09:56I can understand that.
09:57He is just there.
09:59Is it really?
09:59I mean, because of his, obviously, very vocal liberal leanings.
10:03Yeah, I mean, Martin is the, at every, whenever we fly, he is the first one that it gets checked
10:07head to toe because of his politics.
10:09I really believe that he's the one who is pulled aside all the time to be thoroughly checked.
10:13You know what?
10:13I'm sure it's not.
10:14I'm sure it's his last name is Sheen.
10:15And they think, got to be drugs.
10:17Got to be something in there.
10:18Does he, does he get, like, being in a role that way, does he get presidential?
10:24Like, if you say, Martin, let's go eat lunch.
10:26He's like, I veto that lunch.
10:27Like, does he get?
10:29I have never met an actor who takes to a part more than this.
10:32He loves it.
10:33We go in, when we travel to Washington, go in the airports, and I always seem to fly
10:37with Martin.
10:37I don't know why, but, and we walk down the airport, you know, and he's just, you know,
10:41meeting everybody.
10:42You're kidding me.
10:43He introduces me as CJ, because he doesn't know my name, and it's hysterical.
10:48He loves me, and I love him, but he's really bad with names.
10:51So horrible with names.
10:53So, um, I started calling him Pumpkinhead, and then he started remembering my name, but,
10:57um.
10:57Can I tell you, though, Pumpkinhead, apropos.
11:00Right?
11:00That is a big melon that guy has up there.
11:02No question.
11:04But he'll really politic.
11:05Now, through the airport, I imagine, you know, in the way that, uh, you know, sometimes
11:09they'll say a show popper star, like, that does bad, they'll see people on the
11:12street, and they'll go, you're a bad person.
11:14Yeah.
11:14With you in, in politics, people take that awfully seriously, especially now.
11:18Will people approach you and say, uh, you must take this issue and bring it?
11:22No, they don't.
11:23But I have been offered jobs from people, from CNN and different places like that.
11:28Like, people come up to me, and maybe I'm just naive, and they're kidding me, but they
11:31sounded like real offers.
11:33Like, they were like, when you're done with the show, you know, we want, come see us,
11:37because, uh, we might have a position for you.
11:39I can't tell you.
11:39There are a lot of times I'll meet those people, like, like, bro car, and those people,
11:42and I have to tell them after a while, like, you know, I'm fake.
11:47We make half this stuff up.
11:49You realize that, right?
11:51They're just happy to talk shop with somebody, I think.
11:53I know.
11:53And I'm so embarrassed, because I don't know anything about, you know, there are other
11:56guys, but Richard Schiff and Rob Lowe and Brad Whitford, they could all run for president.
11:59They are so, they're into politics, and I just, you know, just not into it.
12:04But, yeah, I think not, maybe Whitford, maybe Schiff.
12:09Well.
12:09Lowe, I don't think, is running for president.
12:11I don't know.
12:12He's very smart.
12:13He's a very smart guy.
12:14He knows his politics.
12:15I know, but there's a couple of skeletons, and.
12:17Oh, I know.
12:18I've said.
12:19Exactly.
12:22You kids are too young, but you'll, uh, look at another thing.
12:24I said nothing.
12:25Uh, uh, it's great to see you.
12:26We've got to run another thing.
12:27What's coming up now?
12:28I know you've been doing a film.
12:29Give me the quick glow down.
12:30I'm going to go do a film in Toronto with Mandy Moore.
12:32I'm going to play her mother in a film called, uh, How to Deal, and I'm excited about that.
12:36Very nice.
12:37And you got something else coming out?
12:38Oh, The Hours with Meryl Streep.
12:39That's what I'm telling you.
12:40So, kicking ass.
12:42Nice to see you.
12:42Thanks so much for coming by.
12:44Alice and Janney West Wing airs Wednesdays at 9.
12:48Welcome back to the show.
12:50Finally, a reason to live.
12:52Star Wars episode something, Attack of the Thingers, is lumbering into theaters.
12:58Upon exiting last night's first midnight showings, many fans said the film was actually better
13:03than the last installment, episode one, The Phantom Menace.
13:07Well, that's a rare honor shared with such other films as snow dogs.
13:15Believe it or not, the film's marketing was considered low-key by Hollywood blockbuster
13:19standards, with only $25 million spent in advertising.
13:23And even though Yoda was on the cover of Time magazine last month, it was only to discuss
13:27his crippling addiction to diet pills.
13:32I had myself a letter.
13:33Hey, you read it.
13:33There you go.
13:34Talk is...
13:38Talk has already begun of Star Wars episode three, which is expected to follow Anakin and
13:43Padme's adventures as they inherit a whipped cream factory on the planet Naboo, which is
13:49run by a wacky scientist played by Nathan Lane.
13:52All their lives are turned upside down when they adopt a little black boy who teaches
13:55them the meaning of love.
13:58And thanks for that exclusive episode three preview information.
14:02It goes out to our daily show fact checker, Dr. Idiot.
14:07He's really not very good at his job.
14:09Perhaps we should fire him.
14:10So, is Attack of the Clones worthy of the hype?
14:16Here's Frank DeCaro with the answer, which of course is no.
14:35Oh, come on, Yoda.
14:37It wasn't that bad.
14:39Well, Star Wars episode two, Attack of the Clones, has landed.
14:42And the good news is, it's an improvement over Star Wars episode one, The Phantom Menace.
14:47Of course, just leaving the theater after episode one was an improvement on episode one.
14:52Since nothing I say will stop you from seeing this blockbuster, here's what happens.
14:57The pod racing little kid from Phantom Menace has grown up to be a member of the Thompson
15:01Twins.
15:02We all know Big Anakin, played by Hayden Christensen, is going to turn into Darth Vader.
15:07But for now, he's doing his heavy breathing over Natalie Portman.
15:11She plays Padme Amidala.
15:13She used to be queen, but now she's just a senator.
15:16Just like Hillary Clinton.
15:17It must be difficult having sworn your love to the Jedi.
15:20Not being able to do the things you like.
15:22I'll be with the people that I love.
15:24Are you allowed to love?
15:25These two couldn't have less chemistry if they were in separate movies.
15:29In between Uncomfortable Kisses, there's a lot of mumbo-jumbo about trade sanctions,
15:34Senate deliberations, and separatist movements.
15:37The Senate must vote the Chancellor Emergency Powers.
15:39As my first act, I will create a grand army of the Republic.
15:45Fun!
15:46It's like C-SPAN with lasers.
15:48Do you have any idea who's behind this attack?
15:50Of course.
15:51George Lucas.
15:52The real love story in Episode 2 is between old George and $140 million worth of computer-generated
15:58special effects.
15:59Most of it for Natalie Portman's hair.
16:02There are some saving graces here, including some fantastic production design, legitimately
16:08exciting action sequences, and Jedi candy, Ewan McGregor as Obi-Wan Kenobi.
16:14Whenever he's on screen, I feel like I'm going to have an Episode 2.
16:17Then, of course, there's Yoda.
16:19And boy, was I glad to see him.
16:21In grave danger, you are.
16:24You know you're in trouble when a computer-generated lawn ornament is the most natural actor in
16:28your movie.
16:29In the end, Attack of the Clones is short on substance and long on style.
16:33And just plain long.
16:35Went to bathroom twice, this reviewer did.
16:38Begun this porn war has.
16:41Whatever.
16:42Back to you, John, my boba fetish.
16:46Thank you, Frank.
16:49That is our show.
16:51Join us all next week at 11.
16:53Now, here it is, your moment of zen.
Comments
2