- 7 weeks ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00We took that money to help people, Marcus.
00:03People like you.
00:04And even people like Pamela Anderson.
00:07This came this morning.
00:08We have a problem.
00:10He's one of our blackmailers.
00:12We're what?
00:13There's two blackmailers.
00:15I need to gather evidence so that Nahar can arrest Pamela.
00:19And then she'll tell everyone about Dad.
00:21That's when my plan comes into action.
00:22Not only have we got your dad's death certificate,
00:25we also have the funeral director on the payroll.
00:28We are home and clean.
00:30Trixie?
00:32Here, puss, puss.
00:34Ah!
00:36Ah!
00:37Ah!
00:38Ah!
00:39Oh!
00:40Aw.
00:44What?
00:45Everything's gonna be okay, love.
00:48It's something that Andrew says.
00:50Yeah, look at me in my mind.
00:52Oh.
00:53So, fuck it.
00:55I'm so sorry, Jean, but...
01:00I'm sorry, but Pam hasn't made it.
01:02Oh, she's gone.
01:04I'm so scary.
01:05No!
01:06No, no!
01:07I'm so sorry, I'm as bad as if mother yawned.
01:08I can't get it.
01:21I can't get it.
01:23I'm sorry, but I'm sorry.
01:25I can't get it.
01:27It's my word.
01:28I'm not a beast.
01:29I'm not a beast.
01:30Oh, good, it's you.
01:46And your plan if it wasn't?
01:47I pretend to be your mum.
01:49Go on, then.
01:52No, thank you.
01:53Please leave me alone.
01:55I'm a widow.
01:58Yeah, that's not a good system, Dad.
02:00All right.
02:01Did you bring it?
02:02Yes.
02:04This is lovely stuff.
02:05This is the best hit money can buy.
02:08No more cannabis for me.
02:10Just shocky milk from now on.
02:12I've got...
02:13It's just one for the cup and one for the mug.
02:23Hey, do you want some?
02:24No.
02:25Hey, how's mum?
02:27Oh, fine.
02:28Fine.
02:29Why wouldn't she leave?
02:31Well, one of her friends died last night.
02:34I don't think of it like that.
02:36Yeah.
02:37So where is she?
02:43Oh, no.
02:46Hey, mum.
02:46Oh, hello, darling.
02:48William!
02:49Huh?
02:50That booze that you got for your retirement.
02:52Have you moved it?
02:53Mm-hmm.
02:56Sorry.
02:56What on earth is going on?
02:57Your dad was given a bottle of posh bubbly when he retired, and I've been waiting for the
03:01right moment to open it.
03:02It could have opened it when I retired.
03:04No.
03:04It needed to be for something special.
03:06So, well, why are you looking now?
03:08Well, do you know what happened last night?
03:10Yeah.
03:11Do you know what happened last night?
03:12Yes, I do, thank you.
03:14I have front row seats.
03:16Ding, dong, cheerio.
03:18See you in the next life.
03:21Have you got a brick for a heart?
03:23Pam was your friend.
03:25Some friend.
03:26Come here.
03:29Look at this.
03:31I found that in her house yesterday.
03:33In her bowling bag.
03:36The final piece dons la jigsaw.
03:38Now, you tell me, what sort of friend blackmails their own mates?
03:43Yeah.
03:45But you kind of wanted her to die, surely?
03:47No, of course not.
03:48I'm not a psychopath.
03:49You're about to open a bottle of champagne.
03:50Well, only if I can bloody find it.
03:52Are you sure you haven't moved it?
03:54You do like to fiddle with my bits.
03:57It's actually my champagne.
03:59And Harold, I know you love to apportion blame.
04:02You get that from your father.
04:03But Pamela's death, nothing to do with me.
04:07OK?
04:11It's a bit thick.
04:14It is clacky.
04:16I wonder how long she's going to be.
04:28Don't you just hate these places?
04:32Did you get those from the machine?
04:34Yeah.
04:35I wouldn't.
04:36Riddled with Legionnaires.
04:37And they found E. coli in the sandwiches.
04:42Sorry, you said this was urgent.
04:44Oh.
04:48You were at Pamela Anderson's house last night.
04:50Well, there's something I need to tell you.
04:52She had a cat, and I suffer from very bad allergies.
04:57And I get very snuffly and red, itchy eyes.
05:00It's hugely incapacitating.
05:01No, I mean about Pam.
05:03Oh, well, on arrival to the hospital,
05:05it became apparent that I was a smidge hasty in my assertions.
05:09Which means she's not actually dead.
05:11Are you kidding me?
05:13How many times are you going to do this?
05:15Do what?
05:17Nothing.
05:19Believe me, I'm shocked.
05:20I am normally assiduously diligent.
05:26Oh, where is it?
05:27Mum, this is a classic case of denial.
05:29I'm not in denial.
05:30If anything, I'm being too transparent.
05:33A little bit like our blooming bathroom window.
05:36You know they frosted it on the wrong side.
05:38So we can't see out,
05:40but every Tom, Dick and Harry can see in.
05:41A viewing gallery for my Tom, Dick and Harry.
05:44Talking to you is like nailing jelly to the wall.
05:46Well, that is very rude.
05:48Jelly?
05:49I haven't had that in ages.
05:50Have we got any?
05:50Well, have a look in the cupboard.
05:52And you, if you can't be positive, you can leave.
05:55What do you want me to be positive about?
05:57Just everything I've ever done for you.
05:58No, you can't take credit for the good
06:00if you can't take responsibility for the bad.
06:02Oh, it's thought for the day with Bishop patronising, is it?
06:06What did you say when you reversed our car into the village duck pond?
06:09What's that got to do with anything?
06:11Just tell me what you said.
06:12Oh, I merely commented that the water level had risen.
06:16Which meant it was whose fault?
06:18Global warming.
06:19I rest my case.
06:20Oh, you are an odious little toad.
06:23Can you stop calling me?
06:24I'm sensitive about being stocky.
06:25We're a stocky family.
06:27I'm not.
06:28I'm quite willowy.
06:29Oh, shut up.
06:30Shut up.
06:31Mum, please.
06:32In the space of a few weeks, we've had a fake funeral,
06:35an insurance fraud, and now a very real death.
06:38Can you see what connects those three things?
06:42Yeah.
06:43Him.
06:45It's not, is it?
06:45Well, I didn't mean to hurt anybody.
06:52I know.
06:53I know.
06:54Come here.
06:57I love you.
07:02Pamela.
07:04I killed her.
07:11We've tried to inform the next of kin, but there doesn't appear to be any.
07:14No, there won't be Pam's quite an acquired taste.
07:17So what exactly is this about?
07:19Well, given that Ms Anderson turned out to be alive,
07:22we've run some tests and found something rather curious.
07:26Pam's blood results show an abnormally high level of a stimulant drug
07:29for which there's no medical reason for her to be taking,
07:32which I think means...
07:34She's on the crank.
07:36She was poisoned by someone trying to induce a heart attack.
07:40Bloody hell.
07:41This village is like Midsomer Murders.
07:43Yes.
07:44Except this would be Midsomer attempted murders,
07:47because as I say, she's not actually dead.
07:50No thanks to you.
07:51Can you make this out?
08:16Why would you come to a search without your specs?
08:19The dog got them so the arm's loose,
08:20so they keep falling off me face.
08:22I think that's the chemist in town.
08:29What did Dr. Donut say about Pam's next of kin?
08:32She didn't have any.
08:34Exactly.
08:35So why would she be meeting with this guy?
08:36I can't read that either.
08:40He does wills.
08:43William, get packing.
08:44Debbie, come on.
08:45This is not the answer.
08:46You heard Harold.
08:48I have no choice.
08:49That's not what he was saying.
08:51Listen, I don't want to run away.
08:53I'm tired and old and...
08:56Actually, technically dead.
08:57We're not running away.
08:58We're taking a holiday.
08:59Debbie.
09:00A weekend away, then?
09:01No.
09:03A road trip.
09:04A getaway.
09:05A couple's retreat.
09:06Look, I'm not going to stand here and play word hippo with you.
09:08We cannot take a holiday from guilt.
09:12Mini break?
09:14Oh, look.
09:16Carrie.
09:19So, so.
09:23What am I going to do, then?
09:27I think you know.
09:30You do the pharmacy.
09:40I'll do the solicitor.
09:41Yes, go.
09:43Cooey!
09:44I thought we agreed you'd keep your head down.
09:46Yeah, I'm like a hippo, aren't I?
09:48Just keep on popping up for air.
09:51Did you know that hippos produce their own sun queen?
09:53I'm really busy, Debbie.
09:54Yeah, I know.
09:55I need to talk to you about, um, Pamela.
09:58That's what I'm busy with.
10:00You're looking for the culprit?
10:01Yeah.
10:01Yeah, well, look no further.
10:04It was me.
10:07What are you on about?
10:08Well, I might not have literally plunged my hand into her heart
10:12and pulled the valves out of her, the, um, what are valves in?
10:18Sockets?
10:19Flanges, is it?
10:20No, flaps, flaps.
10:21No, anyway, shush, Debbie, it doesn't matter.
10:24I now realise, thanks to your husband,
10:28that I bear responsibility for her death.
10:31Right, you sat everything.
10:35Well, aren't you going to take me in?
10:37No.
10:38Why not?
10:40Because Pam's not bloody dead, Debbie.
10:44Although she was being poisoned.
10:47Was I?
10:48I didn't do that!
10:49No, I know.
10:50I'm on my way to the pharmacy now.
10:53Is that...
10:54What do you mean?
10:58How have you got yourself into this?
11:01That's funny.
11:02That's exactly what St Peter said last night.
11:05I've had a dream.
11:07Inspired, no doubt, by my flirtation with hard drugs.
11:10I was at the gates of heaven,
11:13being given a stern grilling by St Peter,
11:15who weirdly looked like Richard Osman.
11:19I can see that.
11:20He had his little clipboard out there.
11:21Is this St Peter or Osman?
11:22Both, same.
11:23Of course.
11:23And he was asking me if I could make an argument
11:25for why a lying fraudster should be let into heaven.
11:30What did you say?
11:31Well, I made the best argument available to me.
11:33Which was?
11:33Well, like I said, it was all your mother's fault.
11:36Want some jelly?
11:37What flavour is it?
11:39Pauld pie.
11:41No, thank you.
11:47You did hide it.
11:48Mm.
11:50I just want a quiet life, Harry.
11:54Looks like I'm not going to get one without being actually dead.
12:02Hello.
12:04We're here for Widow Club.
12:05Right, my mum's not here right now.
12:06I'm not sure when she'll be back.
12:07Oh, that's fine.
12:08First of all, we're the club is we don't mind waiting.
12:10Sure, I mean, but I do have stuff I need to be getting on.
12:11Yeah, crack on then, love.
12:12You won't even know we're here.
12:13You all right?
12:29Yeah.
12:30A couple of teas wouldn't go amiss.
12:32Of course.
12:33Of course.
12:34Of course.
12:35No.
12:39Who could be poisoning Pamela?
12:41Well, maybe someone you were blackmailing wanted revenge.
12:45Well, I would do many things, but I won't do that.
12:49All right, meatloaf.
12:50It's a proper mystery, isn't it?
12:52Tough nut to swallow.
12:55I know, and usually it's quite easy, because it's always...
12:57The husband.
12:58Yeah.
12:58Did Pamela ever have a fella?
13:01Pamela?
13:02No.
13:03Why not?
13:04Neha, Pamela's a lady's lady.
13:07What, posh?
13:08No, lady's lady.
13:10Oh, I see.
13:12I never realised.
13:13Yeah.
13:14She's a very private person.
13:15I think that's why I find her so boring.
13:17Actually, have you told Harold that she's alive?
13:20No, why?
13:20Because I'd like to do that.
13:22I knew it wasn't my fault.
13:28It's for modafinil, but the names are legible.
13:32What's modafinil used for?
13:33It's a stimulant.
13:34It can be prescribed for narcolepsy.
13:37Do we know anyone with narcolepsy?
13:39Can I help?
13:53Oh, no.
13:54I'm good.
13:55Thanks.
13:55Please.
13:56I'll sit back down.
13:58Oh, OK.
14:01Harry, can I tell you something just between us?
14:06Yeah, of course, Jean.
14:07It's only us here.
14:09I'd rather not be alone in there.
14:12Right.
14:13It's nice to have company that's awake.
14:15Do you know what I mean?
14:16Hmm.
14:17So, may I?
14:20Oh, yeah, sure.
14:32Here we go, Jean.
14:33Thanks.
14:34Did you hear about Pamela?
14:38Oh, yeah.
14:39Terribly sad.
14:40I just can't think what gave her a heart attack.
14:43I know.
14:44I know.
14:45It's a real mystery.
14:48Hey, Jean, are you sure you don't want to go into the living room?
14:50Oh, no, no, thank you.
14:52I'm fine here.
14:54In fact, while I remember,
14:56I brought some homemade cupcakes, triple chocolate.
15:01Oh, Jean, you shouldn't have.
15:02Oh, I enjoy it.
15:04Baking keeps my mind off everything.
15:08Hmm.
15:17Right, so we should head back to the station
15:20and work out what Billy's up to.
15:22No, no, I have to check in with Susan.
15:24Why?
15:25What's she doing?
15:26Shouldn't really tell you.
15:28Oh, come on.
15:29I'm on the team.
15:31OK, well, we did find some evidence
15:33that Pam might have changed her will recently
15:35with a solicitor.
15:37Oh.
15:38Hence why you're asking about a boyfriend.
15:40Very good.
15:42Officer?
15:43Yes?
15:43Yes?
15:43We don't do a lot of modafinil,
15:45so I checked when we last fulfilled a 400mg prescription.
15:48And?
15:48I hope it's OK that I did that.
15:49I didn't mean to overstep or anything.
15:51I just...
15:52And I know it can be a bit beaky,
15:53and my mum says...
15:53Oh, my God, spit it out!
15:55It was last Thursday.
15:58Oh, let's have a look.
16:07Oh, there's your Parkinson's thief again.
16:10Have any luck finding him yet?
16:12No.
16:13He's proven a bit of a ghost.
16:15Gov.
16:21So, I just spoke to the solicitor.
16:23Oh, is that Susan?
16:25Turn her up.
16:26Hello?
16:27Who's that?
16:28It's Debbie.
16:28It's Debbie Fendon.
16:29Oh, hiya, Debbie.
16:31You all right?
16:32Yeah, fine.
16:32Just keeping on, keeping on, you know.
16:35You still bowling?
16:36Yeah, trying to,
16:38but I've been having trouble with a jippy knee recently.
16:41Might have some gel for that, actually.
16:42I've tried the gel, thanks.
16:43It's too sticky.
16:44No, sorry, ladies.
16:45Can we just focus?
16:47Yeah, OK.
16:48It should be here any second.
16:50So, yeah, I spoke to the solicitor,
16:52nice guy but savage BO,
16:54and Pam's will was updated six weeks ago,
16:58and you'll never guess the beneficiary.
17:03Oh, my God.
17:05Jean.
17:07Oh!
17:08I was hoping to surprise you.
17:10Oh, Jean.
17:13Oh, these are delicious, Jean.
17:18Is that maple syrup I can taste?
17:21You've got a good palate.
17:22Yeah, I ate a lot of pancakes on a holiday to Florida once.
17:24Oh, is that with your mum and dad?
17:26Yeah.
17:26Such a shame what happened to your dad.
17:29Mm, yeah.
17:30Oh, we miss him.
17:35Forgive me, Jean, sorry.
17:36Suddenly I feel quite tired.
17:37That's OK, love.
17:41Those cupcakes are lovely, though.
17:43Yeah.
17:44I always find the maple syrup is a perfect flavour combination
17:47for the gamma hydroxybutyrate.
17:50Right.
17:51Sorry, what did you say?
17:51The gamma hydroxy what now?
17:53It's more commonly known as GHB.
17:56OK.
17:57And that's good at cupcakes, is it?
17:59Yeah, it is, if you want to incapacitate someone.
18:02All right.
18:03And why would you want to do that?
18:04Oh, you still have got it.
18:06Hey, got what?
18:07Your mum always said you were a bit slow-witted.
18:10Huh?
18:12I'm here to get my money.
18:21Now that Pam's gone, I'm on a bit of a ticking clock, you see.
18:25Sorry, wait, wait.
18:26How did you know that was in there?
18:29Can you keep a secret?
18:33I'm not really blind.
18:37And I've known all along, William.
18:42Oh, hello.
18:44Hiya.
18:44Hiya.
18:46You told everyone you were blind.
19:02No, that's not fair.
19:04I never said I was blind.
19:05I said I was visually impaired.
19:07What's the difference?
19:08What have you got all day?
19:09Wait, so what is your impairment?
19:11Just double vision, really.
19:13For fuck's sake.
19:14Instead of being blind, you can see two of me.
19:19Yeah, it's funny really, eh?
19:20I don't think it's funny.
19:21I think it's a bit rum.
19:23Coming from you?
19:24You've got a nerve, you fendons.
19:26Now, if you don't mind, I have got a flight to catch.
19:33I'll be seeing you then, all four of you.
19:36Probably in hell if you believe in that sort of thing.
19:41Take that, you loathsome mole-eyed bumhole.
19:47Told you I was saving it for a special occasion.
19:49Finally, I can retire.
20:02Oh, bloody hell.
20:04It's like Jonestown.
20:05After her arrest six weeks ago,
20:26it emerged that Jean Cottrell seduced Pamela Anderson,
20:29a local vulnerable woman,
20:31and had been slowly poisoning her with modafinil,
20:33which she'd been stealing from another villager
20:35in order to cause a heart attack.
20:37Her plan was to steal the inheritance.
20:40Cottrell, who's partially sighted,
20:42even led Pamela and other villagers to believe
20:44that she was, in fact, completely blind.
20:46This has been a shockingly dramatic case
20:48in this small, quiet and peaceful village.
20:51Well, I am surprised, but...
20:53..well, then I'm not.
20:55If you ask me, this village is a little bit damned.
20:58Why do they always use the stupidest people for Vox Pops?
21:02Yeah.
21:02We just can't believe it.
21:04You know, we're flabbergasted.
21:06This is a law-abiding, quiet, transparent community.
21:11So there isn't a lot of crime here?
21:12There's no crime at all.
21:14I leave my doors open.
21:16Anybody who wants to come into my house can come into my house.
21:18There's absolutely nothing to hide there at all.
21:21Cottrell was charged with attempted murder,
21:24but that was dropped in exchange for her pleading guilty
21:27to administering a toxic substance.
21:30She's now been sentenced to four and a half years.
21:33Meanwhile, for Pamela Anderson,
21:35thankfully, it's time for her to be reunited with old friends.
21:39This is Steve Nibbs in Colberton.
21:41Plans to build the UK's largest...
21:44Amazing she survived, really.
21:47I mean, doctor said she had more amphetamine in her system
21:50than Diego Maradona.
21:51Jean Cartrell's super villain.
21:54Who'd have thought, Mum?
21:55You weren't the biggest criminal in the village.
21:57You weren't even the biggest criminal in Widow Club.
21:58Excuse me, I'm not a criminal.
22:01You're only a criminal if you get caught.
22:04Not sure that's how it works.
22:05Oh, wind your neck in, PC pedant.
22:07Sorry to be slow, but if Pamela's innocent,
22:10why did she put the blackmail letter
22:11in your pocket at the casino club?
22:13Because Jean asked her to.
22:16Told her it was a voucher for Lakeland.
22:19Poor old girl.
22:20Was being used as a totally unwitting mule.
22:23Yeah, and you nearly killed her.
22:25Oh, Harold, do you ever let anything go?
22:29So, did we get the Lakeland voucher?
22:31Because they do a very good range
22:33of dual-ended silicon spatulas
22:36that can get right into the crannies of a yoghurt pot.
22:39You know, scoop it all out.
22:42No.
22:44Right, we must get on.
22:46Guests arriving in an hour.
22:48All hands on deck for nibble prep.
22:52And remember, don't let Billy have too much keach
22:55or she'll be guffing all afternoon.
22:58One minute I was grilling a chop,
23:01the next it was like being back at the Falklands.
23:03Pshhh!
23:04And it was a guinea pig.
23:06Oh, yeah.
23:07It's got a scar from its little teeth.
23:09Show her.
23:10I'll take your own.
23:11I just feel so foolish.
23:15You must forgive yourself.
23:17Sometimes a good heart doesn't see the bad.
23:20That's very profound, Rupert.
23:23Isn't this nice?
23:24You've just committed fraud.
23:26You've got a whole way with being blackmailed,
23:28narrowly avoided killing one of your best friends
23:30and still have your supposedly dead husband in the loft.
23:33And so you decide to invite the whole village around
23:36for a house party.
23:37Exactly.
23:38If all that isn't cause for celebration,
23:40I don't know what is.
23:43Ow!
23:43Oh, sorry, Jeff.
23:44Not again.
23:46Bloody hell.
23:47She will need top grades for medicine,
23:49like myself.
23:50Yeah, it's a difficult thing.
23:51You didn't drill in your head.
23:52Yes, I can see that.
23:54That's the one I've got here.
23:55So I've got this big one.
23:56Yeah, I can see that.
23:58Crystal's a stone.
23:59Sorry, just help.
24:00It's always bad.
24:01I know you don't.
24:03I do.
24:04I find you being in the voice
24:06and I don't know what's going on.
24:08Oh, God.
24:09Oh, God.
24:12Oh, God.
24:13Oh, God.
24:13Oh, God.
24:13Oh, God.
24:13Oh, God.
24:13Oh, God.
24:13Oh, God.
24:13Oh, God.
24:13Oh, God.
24:13Oh, God.
24:13Oh, God.
24:14Oh, God.
24:14Oh, God.
24:14Ah, there they are.
24:37Harry Potter and Dobby.
24:39I got a bit bored.
24:41Yeah, tell me about it.
24:42Come on, then.
24:45Budge up.
24:46Come on.
24:48I'm going to pop the peanuts.
24:52Oh, yes, please.
24:54Okay.
24:58Shh.
24:59Cheers.
25:00Cheers.
25:00Cheers.
25:00Cheers.
25:00Cheers.
25:00Cheers.
25:00Cheers.
25:05Mm-hmm.
25:06Mm-hmm.
25:07Mm-hmm.
25:07Mm-hmm.
25:08Mm-hmm.
25:08Mm-hmm.
25:09Mm-hmm.
25:09Mm-hmm.
25:10Mm-hmm.
25:10Mm-hmm.
25:11Mm-hmm.
25:11Mm-hmm.
25:12Excuse me, do you have any hands, Sam?
25:19Because I accidentally brushed that man's corduroy trousers, and the grooves are terrible
25:24for harbouring bacteria and d- no, sorry, I don't have any.
25:33You know, the last few weeks is the most we've been together since I left school.
25:41All it took was your dad dying.
25:45I've always brought people together, first in life, now in death.
25:52And when you think about it, I'm not unlike Jesus.
25:56Which makes Mum podges Pilate.
25:59That's very bloody rude.
26:02Do you think your own mother would murder the son of God?
26:06No, it was a joke.
26:07Well, it's not funny.
26:09All right, sorry.
26:11When will you learn that your supposed jokes are actually very offensive?
26:16All right, I'm hardly Dave Chappelle.
26:18Who's that?
26:20Who's that?
26:44Ah, can you keep a secret?
27:14Ah, can you keep a secret?
Comments