- 2 days ago
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00:00Music
00:23Shouldn't drive with that. Blind spot.
00:26Yeah, I know.
00:27It's dangerous, Harold. It's illegal.
00:35It's meant to commemorate Dad, but if we don't plant it soon, it'll die.
00:38Which would make it not a memorial lift, Dad. More of a reenactment.
00:41But today's not good, cos I've got Widow Club with Billy and Jean and Pamela.
00:45Pamela's not a widow.
00:46I know, but Jean worries that she's lonely. It's annoying.
00:49Sweet, though.
00:51We have good fun, to be fair.
00:53We have our own secret handshake, like the Masons.
00:56I'd like to see that.
00:57Yeah, well, you can't. You're not a widow.
01:04Pigfish has struck again.
01:05Oh, no, don't tell me.
01:06I've got to buy him a chippity.
01:07Now, he's a criminal, not a stray cat.
01:10I just want to keep him out of trouble.
01:12He is the trouble. He puts petrol pumps up his arse.
01:15It's a cry for help, Harry.
01:17If you did that, would you want to be judged or cared for?
01:19Well, I wouldn't do it.
01:20You can't say that with any certainty.
01:22I'd have to be at a pretty low ebb to start doing that.
01:24Anyway, you know, petrol makes me sneeze.
01:26Right, look, I'm going to be late.
01:27Can you pick the boys up tonight?
01:29Yeah, of course, yeah.
01:30Good lad.
01:31Love you.
01:32I love you. Woof, woof.
01:33Meow.
01:34Woof, woof.
01:37Tea, wasn't it?
01:38Ah, yes, please.
01:39Well, we haven't got any bags here.
01:40That's coffee.
01:41Actually, if we haven't got any milk, then that's Jakob.
01:48Do you mind if I stretch while we chat?
01:50It's very important after jogging.
01:52Right.
01:53Except you don't jog.
01:54Of course I jog.
01:56You just saw me.
01:57Are you joking?
01:58That was not jogging.
01:59What was it then?
02:00Walking.
02:01You're wearing furry slippers.
02:02Harold, would you for once, for the love of God and all that is holy,
02:07not find something to criticise?
02:09Yeah, sorry.
02:10I mean, I did bring a list, but I guess I can wait.
02:12But I'm very glad you're here.
02:14Clearly.
02:16Got something for you?
02:17Oh, no, you've not been to the charity shop again, have you?
02:27Jesus Christ.
02:29The money from your dad's life insurance finally came through.
02:32In cash?
02:33What do you do?
02:34Take insurance out with the cartel?
02:35No, that was my decision.
02:37You know how I feel about the banks, after what they did to Noel Evans.
02:42There you are.
02:43£10,000.
02:44I'll get you a carrier bag.
02:49My gosh.
02:52Harold.
02:54What's wrong?
02:55Are you crying?
02:57Oh, sorry.
02:58I thought I was cheering you up.
03:00What, by reducing my dad to a bag of cash?
03:02I was impressed by how much we got for him.
03:09I didn't think I'd miss him like this.
03:12It's just, you know how on TV shows people say, you know, she's my mum, but she's also my best friend.
03:17Yeah.
03:18Well, obviously, we've never heard that.
03:21Mm-hmm.
03:22Now he's not here, I've realised that was my best friend.
03:26Oh, Harold.
03:28You really should have friends your own age.
03:31You're all right, though, aren't you?
03:34Yeah.
03:35Sort of.
03:36The doctor's put me on, er, anti-depressants.
03:38What?
03:39He hasn't.
03:40It was a she, actually.
03:41Harold, why have they done that to you?
03:43You're not depressed, are you?
03:45You've got nothing to be depressed about.
03:47Why didn't you come and talk to me?
03:48It's not a big deal.
03:49It's not.
03:50I mean, lots of people take them.
03:51Yeah, but they're people from broken homes.
03:53Tattooed wackets with proper problems, like, erm...
03:57There's a pig fish.
03:58You know pig fish in town?
03:59Oh, yeah, yeah.
04:00Yeah, you know that he puts petrol pumps...
04:02Yeah, I know.
04:03Right.
04:04Did you know that Pamela has to clean off the nozzles?
04:06If anyone should be on anti-depressants, it's her.
04:11I didn't know you felt like this.
04:14Didn't know you felt anything.
04:18Is it my fault?
04:21No.
04:22Maybe a bit is.
04:23You know, 85%.
04:25But I can't pin it all on you.
04:26No, because your dad deserves his fair share.
04:31Oh, Harold.
04:32I'm sorry.
04:33So am I.
04:40What?
04:43Nothing.
04:44I just...
04:49Erm...
04:50Mum.
04:53Look.
04:56Can you keep a secret?
04:58What is it?
05:01Wait there.
05:02Oh, my God.
05:03I'm tired.
05:04Oh, my God.
05:05I'm tired.
05:06Oh, my God.
05:07I'm tired.
05:08I'm tired.
05:09I didn't want to do it.
05:14Oh, my God.
05:15I'm tired.
05:16I didn't want to do it.
05:17I didn't want to do it.
05:26Oh, my God.
05:28I'm tired.
05:30I didn't want to do it.
05:32I didn't want to do it.
06:02You're probably wondering what's been going on.
06:11No, not at all.
06:12Who?
06:13I think he's being sarcastic.
06:15Are you?
06:16Being sarcastic?
06:17Of course I'm being sarcastic.
06:18Why didn't you tell me?
06:19We thought it best to lie low until the money came through.
06:23They're very nosy, those insurance people.
06:25Yeah, some might say for good reason.
06:27Fair point.
06:29You let me think you were dead for two months.
06:31Yeah, we've been meaning to tell you.
06:34But it's been a bit...
06:36Complicated.
06:37Complicated, yeah.
06:38Has it?
06:39Because right now you're acting like you forgot to put the bins out.
06:41Right, okay.
06:43We'll take that as feedback, yeah.
06:45Did you put the bins out?
06:47It's not Tuesday, is it?
06:48Oh, William, have you missed the bins?
06:50No, sorry, I thought it was Thursday.
06:51It is Thursday.
06:52No, the bins go out on a Tuesday.
06:53I don't know about your bins, but today is Thursday.
06:55Is it?
06:56So we have missed the bins, then?
06:57Stop talking about the bins, please, stop!
06:59How are you alive?
07:02Well, it's actually quite a funny story, really.
07:06Tonight on Border Force Australia.
07:09It was a normal Wednesday evening, we've been watching TV.
07:12Border Force Australia.
07:13Have you seen it?
07:14I mean, it's very, very good.
07:16It's very good.
07:17Some of the stuff they try and smuggle in is extraordinary.
07:19Especially, dare I say, the Chinese.
07:21Oh, don't be racist.
07:22Not being racist.
07:23They're just fascinated by their ingenuity.
07:26There's one couple travel all the way from Shanghai to Sydney
07:30with 700 boiled eggs hidden in cuckoo clocks.
07:34What's all that about?
07:35I don't care.
07:37Oh, all right.
07:38Anyway, your mother went to make a cup of tea.
07:40I'll be the one who makes it then, shall I?
07:41Thank you very much.
07:48And?
07:49And we didn't have any tea bags.
07:50You never have any bloody tea bags.
07:51Don't swear.
07:52Oh, please, just get on with it.
07:54So, I nipped to the shops.
08:02Should have checked your blind spot.
08:03Oh, shut up, Harold.
08:05When I got back, your dad was completely zonked.
08:10Out for the count.
08:12It's my own silly fault, really,
08:13because sometimes I struggle to remember
08:15when I've taken my Parkey pills.
08:17And that night, I was meant to take them at 8 o'clock.
08:20But then I remembered that I'd forgotten to take them earlier.
08:23I'd forgotten to take them earlier in the day.
08:26So, I thought, uh-huh.
08:28I'll take a double dose now and catch up.
08:30Unfortunately, because of the Parkinson's,
08:32what I'd forgotten to remember
08:33is that I'd actually not forgotten to remember
08:35to take them earlier in the day.
08:37In fact, I remembered earlier
08:39that I would more than likely forget to take them later.
08:43So, I took a double dose earlier
08:45in order to get ahead for when I forgot later.
08:48Which, all in all, long story short,
08:51I took 16 pills,
08:54which, frankly, is enough to tranquilise a hippopotamus.
08:57And that's a full-size one, not one of the pygmy ones.
09:00Although they are lovely, aren't they?
09:02Mm-hmm.
09:03You know, the little snouts and everything.
09:05You know, the little snuffly noises.
09:10Anyway, yes, he completely stopped breathing.
09:12William.
09:13William, wake up.
09:14Don't be silly now.
09:15Stop it.
09:16William.
09:17Um.
09:18Oh.
09:19Look, who's here?
09:20The girls are here.
09:21Look, there's your favourites.
09:22Nyum, nyum, nyum.
09:23No?
09:24William.
09:25Stop mucking about.
09:26Susanna Reid's got a skirt on.
09:28No?
09:29William.
09:30Stop mucking about.
09:31Susanna Reid's got a skirt on.
09:33No?
09:34William.
09:35Oh, God.
09:36Oh, God.
09:37So I called for an ambulance, but they were all busy.
09:40So then I called the GP.
09:41Now, unfortunately, the GP around here is Dr Harper.
09:43Why unfortunately?
09:44Because since Covid, Dr Harper has developed very, very, very bad health anxiety.
10:06She's a doctor with health anxiety.
10:08Yep.
10:09Poor woman.
10:10Every working day her own personal Vietnam.
10:12I don't really want to touch him.
10:14But he's not breathing.
10:16I really don't like doing these.
10:17What do you mean these?
10:19Dead bodies.
10:20He's dead?
10:21He looks it, doesn't he?
10:22Well, I don't know.
10:23I'm not a doctor.
10:25I'll double check.
10:26What's he called again?
10:27William.
10:30William.
10:31Can you hear me?
10:34William.
10:35Yeah.
10:36No.
10:37Do you have the time?
10:38What for?
10:39For the form time of, you know.
10:40She's just crap.
10:42.
10:43Yeah.
10:44No.
10:45Do you have the time?
10:46What for?
10:47For the form time of, you know.
10:49She's just crap.
10:50Oh God.
10:51Oh, did you manage to record?
10:52Yes.
10:53What for?
10:54What for?
10:55For the form time of, you know.
10:57She's just crap.
11:01She's just... crap.
11:19Oh, did you manage to record the rest of Border Force?
11:22I really want to know why that man's cricket bag was full of live crabs.
11:28What?
11:30You massive twat!
11:32It turns out I hadn't died.
11:33No shit.
11:35Why didn't you tell someone it was a mistake?
11:37We tried.
11:38I was on hold with the GP all bloody morning.
11:41It's broken Britain, Harold.
11:43Anyway, then I went over to see the...
11:46Oh, what do you call it?
11:48The house of death. The coffin shop.
11:50Funeral director.
11:51Yes, yes.
11:52Wait, why? There was no body.
11:54Well, you'd have thought that, wouldn't you?
11:56It's dead. You can't speak. Can I tell you?
12:02I didn't lose it.
12:03Somebody lost it, didn't they?
12:05Good afternoon, madam.
12:06Hello. I hope you can help me. It's about my husband.
12:08Of course. Name?
12:10William Fendon.
12:12William Fendon.
12:13You see, the thing is, he's been declared dead and...
12:16I'm so sorry for your loss.
12:18Would you excuse me for one very quick moment?
12:25Good news.
12:26What?
12:27I found him.
12:28Who?
12:29The book in there whose paperwork you lost.
12:30I didn't lose it.
12:31You bloody did.
12:32Anyway, William Fendon.
12:34Sorry about that.
12:35Would you like to see him?
12:37Who?
12:38William.
12:39He's just through here.
12:41No, no.
12:42That's the thing.
12:43See, William isn't dead.
12:44No.
12:45Of course.
12:47Is that the death certificate?
12:49Yes.
12:50See, that's what I was trying to tell you.
12:51Bit of professional advice.
12:52Get lots of copies.
12:53You'll need them for the bank's savings and, of course, any life insurance policies.
13:03So?
13:06Um...
13:07Well, I suppose a quick peek wouldn't hurt.
13:13I'll admit that was a bit naughty.
13:23I hope you're happy with what we've done.
13:34Father?
13:35It's...
13:36Yes, he did.
13:37He looks lovely.
13:41My darling William.
13:47If you want to have a final moment with him, please go ahead.
13:51No, that's all right.
13:54Please.
13:55I'm not here.
13:59Okay.
14:06There, there.
14:12Um...
14:13Marcus.
14:14For this.
14:15It's an honour, Mrs Fendon.
14:19Some people like to have a final kiss.
14:22Do they?
14:23Yes.
14:26Do they?
14:29Do they?
14:30Oh, yes.
14:31I'm not here.
14:35Right.
14:37Thank you for that.
14:38They definitely do this, do they?
14:47Mm-hmm.
14:48Oh, yes.
14:50Okay.
15:00On the lips.
15:01Exactly.
15:02The things I do for this family.
15:04Shub Diwali.
15:08That's our special thing that we say.
15:11We had a funeral.
15:12Are you telling me we just cremated some old blog we'd never met?
15:15Yes.
15:16Which actually isn't much different from a lot of blokes' funerals,
15:18not least my own father's.
15:22This is too much.
15:23Yeah.
15:24It's too much.
15:26But, you know,
15:28when life gives you lemonade...
15:31You don't go out, anyway.
15:34Oh, I know.
15:35But at least I've got the choice.
15:36Well, you've had the choice for 68 years.
15:39What are you going to start missing now?
15:42Laser quest?
15:43Popping round Geoff's for a coffee and a crumpet.
15:46Who's Geoff?
15:47Exactly.
15:48Geoff has lived in this village ever since we moved in.
15:51And do you know what he'd say if I told him,
15:53Oh, William's died?
15:55Oh, dear.
15:56No.
15:57He'd say, who's William?
15:59Because, my darling, the wonderful thing about you
16:01is that you might as well have been dead for the last 30 years.
16:05In fact, the only person on this planet who's going to miss you is me.
16:11And Harry.
16:13Well, yeah.
16:14And the grandchildren.
16:16Let's not push it.
16:18But that's the point, isn't it?
16:19Imagine what that money could do for them.
16:22We've been model citizens, haven't we?
16:28Well, you know, we've paid our taxes, we've paid our bills,
16:31we haven't been arrested much.
16:34And that ghastly insurance company.
16:38Paid all that money, all those years.
16:41And what did they say when you got your Parkinson's?
16:43Wasn't covered.
16:44Yeah.
16:45Exactly.
16:47The game is rigged.
16:49And we're the goodies.
16:50We followed all the rules.
16:51And what have we got to show for it?
16:53Sweet Fanny Adams' empty fanny, that's what.
16:58In the middle of nowhere in this dingy house with a dodgy boiler
17:01and a garden full of fox shit.
17:07Is Geoff the one who shoves petrol pumps up his jacksy?
17:11No, that's pig fish.
17:14Oh.
17:18It's insane.
17:19Yes.
17:20And I can understand why you might feel a bit put out.
17:23Put out?
17:24I'm not emotionally switched on, am I?
17:26And we did want that money for you and Neha and the boys, so...
17:30There's more where that came from.
17:32Yeah, I know, I've seen the bag.
17:35How much did you get?
17:37250,000.
17:38Jesus Christ, you've stolen a quarter of a million quid.
17:41We haven't stolen anything.
17:42We have simply taken back what we paid in.
17:46Yeah, well, plus a little bit more.
17:48Don't be pedantic.
17:49Those were expenses.
17:51You two are weapons-grade bonkers.
17:55Bulls.
17:56That's Billy and Jean.
17:57Shamu.
17:58Must you do that every time?
17:59They get upstairs, then.
18:01Oh!
18:02Oh, shit!
18:03Oh, shit!
18:04I swear, Mother.
18:05Shut up, Harold.
18:06You patronising chode.
18:07Chode?
18:08I don't think you know what that means.
18:09I said I was in.
18:10That you don't mind.
18:11No, that's all.
18:12How are you?
18:13Why am I in here?
18:14I'm alive.
18:15Did you hear about Geoff at the long dis?
18:16No.
18:17He fell head first into the croissant display cabinet.
18:19And they don't know whether it's a plastic of the case or a stale croissant.
18:23But something sliced his face right up.
18:24Oh, Lord.
18:25Yeah.
18:26He'll have a big scar now.
18:27He'll be unrecognisable.
18:28Wouldn't a big scar on your face make you more recognisable?
18:29Which one's Geoff?
18:30The one with the big scar.
18:31Oh, this is interminable.
18:32No, it's not so bad.
18:33It's best when Pamela's not here.
18:34Why?
18:35Because of the law.
18:36He's been in the law.
18:37I think it's a very good law.
18:38I think it's a very good law.
18:39I think it's a very good law.
18:40I think it's a very good law.
18:41I think it's a very good law.
18:42And I don't think it's a very good law.
18:43I didn't believe you, Geoff.
18:44I didn't believe you, Geoff.
18:45Oh, this is interminable.
18:47No, it's not so bad.
18:49It's best when Pamela's not here.
18:51Why?
18:52Because Billy's inarchaleptic and Jean's completely blind.
18:56So when it's just the two of them and your mum,
18:58I can be in there with them eating the posh biscuits
19:00without any requirement to make conversations.
19:03It's pretty good, really.
19:05Surely they hear you munching?
19:07No, because I suck all the chocolate off first
19:10and then I let the biscuit melt in my mouth.
19:15Right.
19:17I told Geoff he needs stitches,
19:19but he can't go to the hospital now
19:21because they've ditched the Durston route.
19:23Yeah, it's broken Britain, Jean.
19:25And he can't afford a cab, so...
19:28Oh, hello.
19:32Can I use your bog, Deb?
19:34Yeah, make yourself at home.
19:38You'll regret saying that.
19:41Oh, that set me off.
19:43What do you mean?
19:44Well, once the idea of a pea's put in my head,
19:46I can't think about anything else.
19:47Are you serious?
19:48Once the wee wee wolf is at the door,
19:50he doesn't take no for an answer.
19:52Is it like a Jehovah's wolf?
19:57Poor old Geoff, eh?
20:01Will you excuse me a minute?
20:03No.
20:07No.
20:09No.
20:10No.
20:11No.
20:12No.
20:13No.
20:14No.
20:15No.
20:17I can't see it.
20:18No.
20:19No.
20:21No.
20:22Oh, my God.
20:52She knows I'm sensitive about being of stocky stature.
20:56Dad.
20:57Just a moment.
21:10Oh, Dad.
21:16This is a low.
21:19Huh?
21:22Girls, would you mind dropping this into Jeff on your way home?
21:32It's just a little contribution towards his taxi from me.
21:35You're a good soul.
21:37Well, no act of kindness is ever wasted.
21:40It is on Jeff.
21:41That'll all go on OnlyFans.
21:43You're still there.
21:53What have you been doing all day?
21:54I can't even begin to explain.
21:56Hang on.
21:57Two cod meals, please.
21:58And the savoy battered.
22:00And the pickled egg.
22:01And a curry sauce.
22:02And a can of pot.
22:03And one of them chopped brownies for afters.
22:05Listen, please make sure you're back for bath, okay?
22:07I can't face that alone.
22:09I'm feeling very touched out.
22:10Why do you keep using that in the wrong context?
22:12I really feel it.
22:14Harry, touched out is when you've spent all day being terrorised by toddlers.
22:17Yeah, I know.
22:18Believe me.
22:19I feel it.
22:20Bye.
22:21Right, I've got to go.
22:26Oh, Shane.
22:27Because we haven't had a chance to catch up, you know, as a family.
22:29Oh, yeah.
22:30You want to catch up?
22:30Okay, cool.
22:31What's new?
22:31Well, let's see.
22:32Well, in between mourning you, Dad, and worrying about you, Mum, and being diagnosed with depression,
22:37I did finally sign up for an Ector card.
22:38So that's great, isn't it?
22:40Oh, don't.
22:40Because your dad didn't get a chance to spend his points.
22:43I don't know.
22:43There's some wireless headphones.
22:45Oh, what a shame.
22:46Any other regrets?
22:47Like the lying, faking your own death, spending no time with your grandchildren?
22:51You're always telling your mum what a nightmare they are.
22:53Well, yeah, they are a nightmare, but they're our nightmare, and I'd be grateful to palm
22:57them off on you from time to time.
22:58Look, don't get me wrong, I'm really happy you're alive.
23:01I really, really am, but I'm a bit concerned about your decision-making.
23:04Do you mean the Nectapoints?
23:05No, Mum.
23:06I mean him, hiding in the loft like a geriatric Anne Frank.
23:09And when he does come downstairs, he pisses himself in the kitchen cupboard, and then you
23:13just reward him with a pack of biscuits like your potty training at delinquent cockapoo.
23:16Yes, I've wept myself in every supermarket in town, including both children.
23:21Tesco's, Metro and Express.
23:23I'm actually rather proud of it.
23:25You'd probably get a blue plaque for that.
23:27Mum, Dad, please.
23:29Please, this is fraud.
23:30You can go to prison.
23:31That canoe couple, they went down for years.
23:32Listen, we didn't start this.
23:36I mean, granted, we didn't stop it either, but, you know, who are we to argue with the
23:41NHS?
23:42They're the ones who declared your dad dead.
23:45That's better thought for poor Dr. Harper.
23:47She'd be mortified if she found out.
23:49Well, I've got to go.
23:50Hey, hey, hey.
23:51You mustn't tell Neha.
23:53You could put her career at risk.
23:55Well, it's not me who's done that, is it?
23:57Oh, God.
24:13Oh, I just wanted to say before you go.
24:17Oh, do you think nectar points are transferable post-mortem?
24:25I've just run a light in the mood.
24:26It's not the time.
24:27Understood?
24:28At least there's one positive from the secret being out.
24:31I get to talk to you again.
24:32I know we've put you in a tiny bit of an impossible situation, so we'll respect whatever you decide.
24:40Although, if your mother heard me say that, she'd kill me.
24:44Again.
24:44Yeah.
24:45Yeah.
24:46Oh, and, er, sorry.
24:49Do take this.
24:51Your mum told me your rent's gone up, and these landlords are bloody crooks, aren't they?
24:56Oh, and, er, sorry.
25:26There we go.
25:47Well, it's very shiny.
25:49Hope you didn't spend too much.
25:51Well, if something's worth doing, it's worth doing properly.
25:53Oh, is that a magnolia?
25:59Yeah.
25:59Thought so.
26:00That won't make it through winter.
26:02Catastrophic wood rot round here.
26:04All right.
26:05Thanks, Clive.
26:06Yeah, you're welcome.
26:12Remember that the very next bag might contain highly illegal contraband.
26:16At Brisbane Airport, one of the longest-serving X-ray operators is Clarence McTeer, who has been scanning passengers' luggage since 1987.
26:27And we're glad to say that he is back in revision.
26:32I can't believe he's actually gone.
26:34No.
26:35Oh, I know.
26:37Neither can we.
26:43And so ends another eventful day on Australia's front line.
26:46Mrs. Vendon?
26:57Yeah?
26:58I want my money.
26:59Mum, come on.
26:59We're being blackmailed.
27:01Bloody hell, that's annoying.
27:03Found that in my pocket at the boys club last night.
27:05Who sent her?
27:06I don't know.
27:07Look, what sort of friend blackmails her own mates?
27:12We're not criminals.
27:13We're Wallace and Gromit.
27:14You two might be, but your mum's a penman with a rubber glove on her head.
27:18You and your parents need to stop being lunatics.
27:20I am your great-uncle Otto from the Valley.
27:23Promise me that you'll find this bastard and nail his bollocks to his backside.
27:28Who are you?
27:29Debbie Fendon.
27:30We're a crime family.
27:31Oh, don't be silly.
27:32Crime families kill people.
27:34We're just a bit complicated, like the Beckhams.
27:37Come on.
27:38Come on.
28:08Thank y'all.
28:09To be continued...
28:09...
28:09...
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