- 15 hours ago
First broadcast 11th September 1985.
Terry's new girlfriend Sarah turns out to be the daughter of a possessive burger millionaire who is paranoid that all her boyfriends are after her money.
Dennis Waterman - Terry
George Cole - Arthur
Glynn Edwards - Dave
Patrick Malahide - Chisholm
Jan Francis - Sarah Bates
Timothy Carlton - Granger
David Daker - Sir Ronald Bates
Michael Povey - D.C. Jones
Peter Capaldi - Ozzie
Jake D'Arcy - McTaggart
Debbie Arnold - Julie
Benjamin Whitrow - Doctor
Annee Blott - 1st Prostitute
Cate Fowler - 2nd Prostitute
Royce Mills - Andrew
James Griffiths - Marketing Man
Melanie Hughes - Shop Assistant
James Duggan - Cedric
Howard Attfield - Private Detective
Bernard Taylor - Hotel Detective
Emma Shaw - Sir Ronald's Secretary
Peter Brayham - Heavy
Jerry Baker - Pub Patron
Les Conrad - Hotel Guest
Gordon Hann - Winchester Club Patron
Dave Holland - Heavy
Eric Kent - Winchester Club Patron
Terence Plummer - Heavy
Terry's new girlfriend Sarah turns out to be the daughter of a possessive burger millionaire who is paranoid that all her boyfriends are after her money.
Dennis Waterman - Terry
George Cole - Arthur
Glynn Edwards - Dave
Patrick Malahide - Chisholm
Jan Francis - Sarah Bates
Timothy Carlton - Granger
David Daker - Sir Ronald Bates
Michael Povey - D.C. Jones
Peter Capaldi - Ozzie
Jake D'Arcy - McTaggart
Debbie Arnold - Julie
Benjamin Whitrow - Doctor
Annee Blott - 1st Prostitute
Cate Fowler - 2nd Prostitute
Royce Mills - Andrew
James Griffiths - Marketing Man
Melanie Hughes - Shop Assistant
James Duggan - Cedric
Howard Attfield - Private Detective
Bernard Taylor - Hotel Detective
Emma Shaw - Sir Ronald's Secretary
Peter Brayham - Heavy
Jerry Baker - Pub Patron
Les Conrad - Hotel Guest
Gordon Hann - Winchester Club Patron
Dave Holland - Heavy
Eric Kent - Winchester Club Patron
Terence Plummer - Heavy
Category
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TVTranscript
00:01I
00:37We'll see you next time.
01:27We'll see you next time.
01:30Mr. McChaggart!
01:37Don't you ever do that!
01:39Mr. McChaggart!
01:40What's that to you?
01:42Diary's the name.
01:43Arthur Diary!
01:45You got the point, man!
01:47Eyes of the floor of it's all light!
01:55Diary, Arthur.
01:57Aye.
01:58That's right.
01:59Nice to meet you, Arthur.
02:00Nice to make your acquaintance, Mr. McChaggart.
02:03Joseph.
02:04Joseph.
02:06I see you're a devotee of fine music, Joseph.
02:10You can't beat a nice bit of opera, can you?
02:13That was Lieder.
02:14Schubert Lieder.
02:16Oh, dear.
02:16You got me.
02:18That is one opera I've not got around to seeing yet.
02:21There's a bit of a problem with the calculators, Arthur.
02:24You haven't made me risk life and limb up them stairs.
02:27Keep the heed.
02:28I've got something here that'll interest you a lot more than a pile of poxy calculators.
02:54Oh, God.
02:56You all right?
02:57What?
02:58Oh, yes, more or less.
03:00Just did me and all.
03:01Look at that guy.
03:02Look, look, look.
03:03I thought it would be breathalyzed.
03:05Is that your lunch?
03:09Yeah, I thought we'd make a change from Shepherd's Pie down to local.
03:12And you think that's going to taste any better?
03:15You never know.
03:16It might.
03:16I mean, it's Italian, isn't it?
03:19It's about as Italian as a can of spaghetti.
03:22Look at it.
03:22It's absolutely crammed full of preservatives.
03:25Yeah, but at least they're Italian preservatives.
03:28I know a nice little Italian restaurant.
03:32I think I'm being picked up.
03:35Don't count on it.
03:41Believe me, Arthur, you've made the right decision.
03:43Ah, I'm only taking the goods on approval.
03:45No contract of sale as has yet been agreed.
03:48Fair enough.
03:49You'll go for it, though.
03:50Though when things are magic.
03:52Transform your life.
03:53You'd have bet that the price you're asking.
03:55There you go, Arthur.
03:56Mr. Daly to you, sonny.
03:58Up your nose.
03:59You'll let me see why they built Hydrian's Wall.
04:02Oi, oi, what's going on?
04:04Base station.
04:05You'll need a base station, Arthur.
04:06You never mentioned that in our negotiations.
04:08There's nothing to it.
04:09It's just a wee booster and a couple of wires that go into your phone.
04:12Young Aussie there will fix it up for you in five minutes.
04:14No bother.
04:15Does it have to be him?
04:16On you go, Arthur.
04:21Very groovy, Arthur.
04:23That's a funny dice.
04:24Built up.
04:25Clunk click every treffe.
04:28And so after eight years at school, I then had to spend two incredibly boring years at finishing
04:33school in Switzerland.
04:34You see, on the piste with Rorty, eh?
04:38Yes, but don't blame me.
04:39It was my father who insisted.
04:41Mind you, it almost bankrupted him in the end.
04:44So, do you work for a living now?
04:46Yes, yes, it are publishers.
04:48They pay me a pittance, but it's quite interesting work.
04:53It's a pity I'm busy this afternoon.
04:57Yeah, well, I mean, I could always get in touch with you again.
05:00I mean, if you'd like, you know.
05:01Hmm, I'd really like that.
05:04Well, why don't you give me your number and I'll give you a ring tomorrow or something?
05:07Why don't I ring you?
05:10Oh.
05:12Look, if you don't want to see me again, it's all right, you know.
05:15No, I said I'd ring you.
05:17Now, why don't you order us a cup of brandies?
05:20Yeah, er, scuse me.
05:26There you go, Arthur.
05:28Welcome to the big table.
05:29Yeah, well, you run along now, sonny.
05:31Get back to your pee broth before your mother starts worrying about you.
05:35No, no, no, nothing important, Dave.
05:37Just ringing to let you know my ETA.
05:39Lovely weather for the time of year, isn't it?
05:41I don't know, Arthur, I haven't looked.
05:44Oh, er, Dave, put me up a large VAT, would you?
05:46Yeah, yeah, of course.
05:48A couple of aspirins as well, if you like.
05:52What's that with him today?
05:54Are you sure I can't give you a lift back to the office or something?
05:57No, no thanks, I'll take the tube.
05:59All right, if you say so.
06:01No, positive.
06:02Bye, Terry.
06:05Ta-ra.
06:15Bye, Terry.
06:39There you go, Arthur.
06:41Are you sure you're all right?
06:42In the pink, Dave, in the pink.
06:44Well, I never.
06:46If it isn't, Arthur, daily.
06:48Sorry?
06:49Oh, come, come, come, Arthur.
06:50Don't tell me you've forgotten an old friend.
06:53Granger.
06:53Stuart, Simon Granger.
06:55That was the mouse that threw me.
06:57I didn't know you were out.
06:58I've been out for six months, Arthur.
07:00I was frightfully well behaved.
07:02Well, that must have made a change.
07:03Still gainfully employed in the city.
07:05Oh, uh, afraid not, oh boy.
07:08The pinstripe brigades are might narrow-minded when it comes to embezzlement.
07:12Well, you don't look as if you're on your uppers.
07:14No.
07:14I'm running a little car hire business now.
07:17Doing quite nicely, actually.
07:18Um, upmarket trade.
07:20Executive cars and whatnot.
07:22Oh, yeah.
07:22Well, let me let me get you a drink for old time's sake, Simon.
07:24Dave, same again for Mr. Granger.
07:27Yeah.
07:28I told you he is not himself today.
07:30I might be able to put a very attractive business proposition your way, Simon.
07:33Arthur, now that I am out, I'd rather prefer to stay out.
07:37Ha, ha, ha, ha.
07:38No, no, this is strictly kosher.
07:40You have my word.
07:41Well, there you are, Arthur.
07:41That would be 2.40 altogether.
07:43Yeah, all right.
07:44Slate.
07:45Shall we?
07:45All right.
07:49Oh, look, I've got tea.
07:50I was at a supermarket.
07:51No, no, no, no.
07:51This is confidential, Terry.
07:53Confidential.
07:53Do sit down, Simon.
07:54Do you want a drink, Ray?
07:55No, no, no.
07:56Just a disly.
07:58All right.
08:00What's up with him?
08:01I just said no to a drink.
08:02Arthur is being very strange today.
08:05Lager?
08:05Yeah.
08:07Yeah, I just had a decidedly dodgy phone call from him.
08:10Oh, yeah.
08:11Every briefing, all that, was it?
08:13No, no.
08:14Just the whole phone call was sort of pointless.
08:17But I couldn't get him off the line, if you know what I mean.
08:19Yeah, I know what you mean.
08:19I'll get him all the time.
08:20Cheers.
08:44Oh, Arthur Daly here.
08:46I'm phoning for my vehicle.
08:53I'm not speaking for my home.
08:55I'm mobile.
09:04Yes, yes, yes.
09:05I have the latest car telephone.
09:07Do you have one in your vehicle, Johnny?
09:17I will not obfuscate with you, Joseph.
09:19It works like a dream.
09:21But 200 songs I cannot do.
09:23Arthur, have you not grasped that I am offering you the most modern car phone on the market?
09:29Push-button keypad.
09:31Automatic number repeat.
09:32If you bought one of them in the shops, you wouldn't see much change out of a grand.
09:35And you've still got five left, haven't you?
09:37Aye.
09:38Right.
09:38I'll tell you what I'll do.
09:39I'll take them off your hands for 150 quid each.
09:41I can't say fairer than that.
09:43I'm offering you a very high investment profile, yeah?
09:45900.
09:46You're a hard man, Arthur.
09:48Well, I do have a certain reputation in the business world for a bit of plain talking.
09:51Mind you, you'll need to pay someone to wire them in for you.
09:55No, no.
09:55My young Terrence will take care of that.
09:57Oh, don't be daft.
09:58It's a highly specialized job.
10:00I'll get young Aussie to do it for you.
10:01Oh, God.
10:02Now, what, you're an apprentice moron.
10:04Ex-British telecom engineer.
10:06Ex?
10:06What was he doing?
10:07A little freelance privatizing?
10:09Look, you've offered 900.
10:11Make it the grand, and I'll throw in young Aussie free to wire them in for you.
10:14What do you say?
10:16Oh, come on, pal.
10:17Put it there.
10:26Hello?
10:28Oh, what do you want?
10:31No, no, no, no.
10:32I'm sorry, mate.
10:32I can't today.
10:34Well, I just can't.
10:35That's all.
10:37Yeah, all right.
10:37Yeah, tomorrow.
10:38Yeah, if you want.
10:39Yeah.
10:39Yeah, all right.
10:41Now, you're quite right, Arthur.
10:42I've got absolutely no...
10:45Salary?
10:46What salary?
10:48I'll see you tomorrow, Terrell.
10:57Hello?
10:59Oh, no, I'm sorry.
11:01No, I thought it was someone else.
11:03You can't...
11:04Oh, that's great.
11:05No, no, I've fixed it all up.
11:06It's all ready.
11:08Smash him.
11:10All right, I'll see you later, then.
11:12Yeah, tell her.
11:13Bye.
11:19Oh, hello there, Terry.
11:21She's all ready for you.
11:22Where is it, ain't I?
11:25This is it, Terry.
11:27Do what?
11:27Charming little vessel, you know.
11:29Full of character.
11:30Full of bleeding holes, more likely.
11:32You promised me a luxury cabin cruiser.
11:35Well, this is as near luxury as you'll get in this day and age, Terry.
11:41Oh, do you, Cedric?
11:42I think you'll find she's very reliable.
11:45That's more not the same of you.
11:47Oi!
11:48Well, how'd you start it?
12:07That's it, there you go.
12:09Right hand up.
12:10The right?
12:12Yes.
12:13Starboard.
12:13Oh, for something, innit?
12:14It's starboard.
12:14Oh, that's starboard.
12:15There you go, then.
12:20It's all right for you just sitting there, isn't it?
12:22Straight out the sea, we're all right.
12:23I like audio, sweet.
12:36Phew.
12:38I don't know, Arthur.
12:39Sounds useful, I must admit, but 350 quid, that's a lot of bread.
12:43I mean, it's not as if a car telephone is essential to me.
12:47It's more your rich man's toy.
12:48Not essential, Dave.
12:50Dave, it is a sine qua not.
12:52You have got to come to terms with the technological age in which we live.
12:55I mean, look, you imagine, you're stuck in traffic jam, rush hour, Amersmith Bridge,
13:00delayed for a very important business meeting,
13:01and there is not a non-vandalised phone to be found for love nor money.
13:05What do you do?
13:06Pick up the phone.
13:07Bosh, bosh, bosh.
13:08Hello, this is David here.
13:10I am unavoidably delayed due to a traffic situation westbound.
13:14Kindly hold a meeting pending my arrival.
13:16Instant communication is the essence of the microbiological revolution, Dave.
13:21Leave it out, Arthur.
13:22I mean, what important business meetings do I have to go to?
13:25There you go again.
13:26Underestimating the important role you play in society.
13:30Dave, just because you don't frequent the stock exchange frequently
13:33does not mean you are not a vital chip in the great computer of life.
13:38My old chip and a great computer of life.
13:41Do you really think so, Arthur?
13:43You know, sometimes I feel as if I'm talking to myself.
13:49I have some very good news for you.
13:51Shall we discuss it over a little medicinal?
13:54To the old tub.
13:55To the old tub.
13:56God bless her and all who's sailing, huh?
13:58Here we are.
14:03To the Titanic.
14:05Nice one, yes.
14:06All right, to the Titanic.
14:08Yes.
14:12Do you think we'd better make for shore before it starts piddling?
14:16Oh, God, yeah.
14:17Go on, you drive.
14:18All right.
14:20I'm having to sit back and relax, aren't you?
14:22Keeps back to shore, love it.
14:35You're not going to believe this.
14:38You man the lifeboats and I'll sing Abide With Me.
14:42No, I'll keep on drinking and wait for a taxi, I think.
14:46Now, is that or is that not a viable product?
14:49Seems to be satisfactory, Arthur.
14:51You'll have your executives queuing up to do business with you.
14:53I'll get Terry and my engineer around you tomorrow to wire them in for you.
14:56Yes.
14:5711 o'clock tomorrow morning.
14:59Whatever suits you, Simon.
15:00Terry will relieve you of the reddies.
15:03May I?
15:03Please, please, go ahead.
15:06What's your markup on this, old boy?
15:08Very modest.
15:09Very modest.
15:11Granger's executive car hire.
15:13Can I help you?
15:13Mr. Granger, sweetheart.
15:15A little black Mercedes haven't been booked out before tomorrow.
15:19No, sir.
15:20Not yet, sir.
15:20Splendid.
15:22Well, don't let them out before...
15:242 o'clock?
15:26Fine.
15:27I'll be on my way back to the office soon, sir.
15:29I'll see you later.
15:29Bye, sir.
15:52I'll let you know.
15:53Morning, up, boy.
15:54Terry.
15:55Now, now, Arthur.
15:56Where have you been?
15:57Not available all day yesterday.
15:58Phone off the hook this morning.
16:00One of these days, you'll push me too far.
16:02Yeah, well, we live in hope, don't we?
16:03Now, come on.
16:04There's no time for window shopping.
16:05I promise, Granger, you and the moron will be over there by 11.
16:08Oh, have you seen this?
16:09What?
16:12Prohibited from direct or indirect connection to any telecommunication system run by British telecommunications.
16:19Action may be taken against anyone so connecting this apparatus.
16:22Eh?
16:23Looks like you've been world-keeper, don't you?
16:25I swear, Arthur.
16:27You just peel it half.
16:28Mind you, it's illegal to sell a phone who doesn't have a green circle or a red triangle.
16:33What are you saying?
16:34Do you not understand English?
16:36He calls that English.
16:37I'll put it in simple words, Arthur.
16:39The law does not allow you to connect a phone unless it's been approved by British Telecom.
16:44Green circle approved.
16:45Red triangle not approved.
16:48Yeah, but...
16:49Nah, no.
16:49I mean, your punter's not going to know that, is he?
16:51Yeah, of course he is.
16:52It's Granger.
16:52He's a villain.
16:54Well, in that case, he ain't going to care, is he?
16:56No, but he'll use that knowledge to beat the price down.
16:59Looks like you've got a problem, didn't it?
17:01Don't you bother?
17:03Follow me, big boys.
17:20Now, this one is a bit more expensive, but it does have a lot more features, not to mention
17:25a 50-number memory.
17:27I can offer you this in red or magnolia.
17:30Oh, very nice.
17:31Very tasteful.
17:32Could I have a look at the blue one over there?
17:40This is a more basic model, of course.
17:43Arthur!
17:45Well, I think we'll have a further look around before we make a decision, but you'd be most
17:49helpful.
17:49Very kind.
17:51Arthur!
17:57Sawdust in the gearbox?
17:59Dear, oh dear.
18:01Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
18:02Yeah, I quite agree.
18:03I'll tell Mr. Daly as soon as he gets back from holiday.
18:06There you go.
18:06Yeah, bye-bye.
18:08I hope it's all here.
18:09Yeah, yeah, he paid up like a good one.
18:11How did you get someone like Granger to give you the best part of the ground for two dodgy
18:15phones, eh?
18:15They are not dodgy, Terrence.
18:17Mr. Granger recognises a bargain when he sees one.
18:20Yeah, and you recognise a mug punter when you see one, don't you?
18:22I represent the spirit of enterprise, Terry.
18:25I'm the kind of businessman who made this country what it is today.
18:28I'll go along with that.
18:29Listen, I've got to shoot her.
18:30Give us a couple of notes, will you?
18:35I'll see you later, then.
18:55Thank you, thank you so much.
19:23I don't suppose I need ask who you're working for.
19:26May I?
19:29Gold.
19:32So, we retain the basic hamburger, right, but we serve it up with piles of salads, very
19:39crisp and fresh, okay?
19:40Like, um, like this.
19:48Or...
19:51We stress our lean meat policy.
19:54We offer them an alternative to french fries, say, um, a spicy rice dish.
20:02And we offer them a wholemeal sesame bun as an optional.
20:05Well, we could call it the health burger, say.
20:22Good morning, Miss.
20:27Sir Ronald, I really believe this gives us the possibility of enhanced market penetration.
20:34Sir Ronald, I'm sorry.
20:35I tried to tell your daughter that you were in a conference.
20:37I want a word with you.
20:39Get out.
20:43It started again, hasn't it?
20:45The private detectives.
20:47Real rough trade this time, isn't it?
20:49Terrence McCann, small-time villain.
20:51And you spent last night at McCann's place, didn't you?
20:53Yes.
20:54I happen to like him.
20:55He's after your money, Sarah.
20:57But he doesn't know about my money.
20:59Why don't you try and patch things up with Rodney?
21:01Oh.
21:02What's wrong with Rodney?
21:03Well, his name, for a start.
21:06Also, he's a wimp.
21:07You marry Rodney, and I'd be willing to make a very generous settlement.
21:11You'd still be very independent.
21:13You must be joking.
21:14He's a decent lad.
21:16Good background and all.
21:18You just want me to marry some upper-crust twit so you can see me in Tatler, don't you?
21:23Well, I shan't.
21:25Maybe I'll marry Terry McCann.
21:28Do you think I've grafted my way up from the slums just so that you can go back to where
21:32I started from?
21:33Here we go again.
21:36Listen, don't you understand that I don't give a damn about your glittering career?
21:40Sir Ronald Bates knighted for services to the hamburger?
21:43Or was it contributions to the Conservative Party?
21:47Do you know how much I spent on your education?
21:49One of the best boarding schools in the country.
21:52Have you any idea how much money I've invested in your future?
21:55Oh, I see. So I'm an investment now, am I?
21:58I never told you how much I spent on your operation, did I?
22:02Your nose job. Five and a half grand. That cost me five and a half grand.
22:05And if it wasn't for that, you'd still have a hooter like Jimmy Durante,
22:08and no man in his right mind would even look at you.
22:11I'm going now.
22:13Sarah, Sarah, listen.
22:23Terry, where were you last night?
22:26What, trying to get hold of the Scarlet Pimpernel?
22:28Got anything on the keeper of a red Ford Cortina F Foxtrot G Golf V Victor 952 Romeo?
22:35Yankee 2 over.
22:36Yankee 2 from MP. Message received. Hang on.
22:42Hang on, he says.
22:43MP to Yankee 2. We all work out one-night.
22:46Roger Delta one-night.
22:56Five-gallon. Illustrated capital ready.
22:58You dropped me right in it, Terry.
23:01I promised early indoors I'd slap up Tandoori at the Golden Sari.
23:04What, do you want me to come too?
23:05And I...
23:06Oh, God.
23:09No, I did not.
23:10I want you to pick up some dough from another telephone job.
23:13As it was, I had to traipse halfway across London and do it myself.
23:16Yankee 2 to base.
23:18Cummings?
23:20The evening was a complete unmitigated.
23:23Yeah.
23:24I'll talk to you later.
23:34Mr. Chisholm.
23:36Arthur Daly.
23:37What a nice surprise.
23:39Cold for the time of year, isn't it?
23:40It's working, Aganga.
23:42Well, take it. Take it.
23:45You're causing an obstruction, Daly.
23:52He wasn't wearing his hat.
23:54We're reading you now. Can you repeat?
23:57Do you want to chop up?
23:58No, no, no. Lovely.
23:59Nice little Donny's tea set.
24:02There's a present.
24:04Oh, yeah.
24:05From a young lady.
24:06I don't have business.
24:07Sorry, Terry.
24:08Sorry I show concern for your personal well-being.
24:11I must be off.
24:12Oh, can I take it you are still available for work?
24:15I mean, at your convenience, of course.
24:16I wouldn't want to interfere with any of your extraterrestrial activities.
24:19What's up with you?
24:20You must have made a packet out of those phones, huh?
24:22Yeah, I did. It was a good investment.
24:24In fact, I'm picking up another half-dozen from McTaggart tomorrow.
24:26But if you don't want to involve yourself, you'll just say so.
24:29I mean, you know.
24:30That's all right.
24:31Is there any trouble?
24:32No, it's not. I'll give you a hand.
24:33That's all.
24:33You don't put yourself out.
24:34Shout out, will you?
24:35All right.
24:36Shout yourself out.
24:37No, very generous, Terry.
24:39Very generous.
24:40Oh, I like your flowers, dear.
24:45Not good night, thank you.
24:46Hey, steady, steady, steady.
24:47You're in plenty of trouble, Terry McCann.
24:49I'm not Terry McCann.
24:50Terry, you've got the wrong man.
24:51He's in there.
24:52What's that name?
24:52Terry, that's him.
24:53You Terry McCann?
24:54Yeah.
25:20I just feel awful about it, Terry.
25:23Don't be daft.
25:24And it's not your fault your dad lost his bovro, is it?
25:28The thing I don't understand is,
25:29what was all that stuff about no money working in a publisher's?
25:32I mean, what was that in aid of it?
25:34It's just that with most men,
25:36when I tell them who I am,
25:38it gets very complicated.
25:40No, Sarah.
25:41It gets complicated when you tell them fairy tales.
25:44That's when it gets complicated.
25:46Yes, you're probably right.
25:47Anyway, I'm not after your money.
25:49I like you.
25:52I like you.
25:53I like you.
25:54Well, at first,
25:55I thought it was just going to be a quick, you know.
25:59Yes, that's what I thought.
26:00At first.
26:03Oh, no.
26:04What is it?
26:06It's Arthur.
26:07Who's Arthur?
26:08Look, if he starts getting nosy,
26:10just ignore him.
26:11All right, I'll leave it well out.
26:12Terry, a bit of luck finding you here.
26:14Yeah, an amazing stroke of luck, innit?
26:16That is looking very nasty.
26:18What was all that rumpus about, anyway?
26:20No, it's nothing, really.
26:21A case of mistaken identity.
26:23Oh, I see.
26:24It was my father.
26:25Sarah?
26:26My father sent Bronson Thugs to beat Terry up.
26:29You see, he doesn't approve of my relationship with Terry.
26:32I'm sorry, my dear.
26:33Terrence hasn't had the courtesy to introduce us.
26:35Sarah, this is Arthur Daly.
26:37Arthur Daly, this is Sarah.
26:38Sarah Bates.
26:39Delightly to make your acquaintance, my dear.
26:41And what line of work are you in?
26:43She works for a publisher's office.
26:45Publishing?
26:46I don't work.
26:48You don't work.
26:49I don't need to work.
26:50My father is Sir Ronald Bates.
26:53Oh, fascinating.
26:54Sir Ronald Bates.
26:55Not the Sir Ronald Bates of...
26:57Yes.
26:58Yes, that's right.
26:58Bigger burgers.
26:59The bigger burger for the bigger appetite.
27:01Quite a little success story there, isn't there?
27:03Yes.
27:04And, er, are you a friend of Terry's?
27:06No, he's not.
27:08Colleague.
27:08Colleague, my dear.
27:10And a friend.
27:11Yes, I'm a friend.
27:23Simon, what an unexpected pleasure.
27:24Don't tell me.
27:25I know why you're here.
27:26I bet you don't.
27:27Terry, you want to invest in another couple of car phones?
27:29Arthur, listen, you're in luck.
27:31I am just about to send Terry, the young Rob Roy McGregor here,
27:34over to cop another half dozen.
27:35Terry, did you make some tea for Mr Granger?
27:36I have just had a courtesy call from the old bill, Arthur.
27:39They were asking questions about telephones.
27:42Oh, my God, you didn't.
27:43No, Arthur, I did not mention your name.
27:45They seem to be under the impression that I might be the proud owner of some dodgy radio phones.
27:50Fortunately, the two cars were out at the time.
27:52I don't understand.
27:52You don't need to understand, old chap.
27:55You just need to take back these two phones.
27:59But these are yours, Simon.
28:00You bought them fair and square.
28:01Fair enough, Arthur.
28:02I shan't argue.
28:04I shall simply tell the police that I bought them from you in good faith.
28:07No, no, no, no.
28:07There's no need to be hasty.
28:09If you want me to take these back, I will take them back as a personal favor to you.
28:12That's extremely decent of you, Arthur.
28:15You owe me, shall we say, $1,200?
28:18You're joking.
28:19You only paid nine.
28:20Loss of business, don't you know?
28:23General inconvenience.
28:24You're stitching me up, Terry.
28:26Yeah, I was thinking that, yeah.
28:28Here, take this in, will you?
28:29Ozzy, take this in.
28:31I'm very disappointed in you, Simon.
28:34Here am I trying to help you modernize your business.
28:37If you're typical of the captains of industry,
28:39it's no wonder this great country of ours is in dead shtook.
28:44Goodbye, Arthur.
28:48This is a very heavy blow, Terry.
28:51But how did the old Bill know he had two dodgy phones?
28:54But they are not dodgy phones.
28:56Are they?
28:57How do I know?
28:59I'm in a very tricky cash flow situation now, Terry.
29:03Very tricky.
29:05Get out of the way.
29:10Get out of the way.
29:16I don't trust you, Daly.
29:18Why can't McCann deal directly with me?
29:20Because, Sir Ronald, I am Mr. McCann's business manager.
29:23And you must appreciate the delicacy of the arrangement.
29:26I mean, we are talking about two very young people very much in love.
29:31You sure?
29:32No question whatsoever.
29:34I might even go so far as to say that I think a wedding bell situation is definitely on the
29:38cards.
29:39All right, Daly, you're on.
29:40You won't regret it, Sir Ronald.
29:42But I am not paying 50% up front.
29:44Well, we're both members of the business sector.
29:46I'm sure we can come to some arrangement.
29:47You get a thousand now.
29:49And the other nine grand when I am 100% certain McCann isn't coming within a mile of my daughter
29:54ever again.
29:55All right?
29:56Well, one grand up front.
29:57Take it or leave it.
29:58I'll take it.
30:02Oh, and not a word to McCann about this.
30:05Not a word to my daughter.
30:06You make a dummy out of me, Daly, and you'll need a new face.
30:10You can rely on me, Sir Ronald.
30:15Oh, I see you're a patron of the arts, like myself.
30:18Get out, Daly.
30:19Yes, of course.
30:20It's upside down.
30:26I'm afraid the blood tests were positive.
30:29Me?
30:30What blood tests?
30:31The blood tests we took at your last visit, Mr. Evans.
30:34No, I'm not Mr. Evans.
30:34I'm Mr. Daly.
30:38Oh, yes, yes, of course.
30:41Wrong.
30:41Well, I should apologize.
30:45Yes.
30:46Right, what can I do for you?
30:48Well, Doctor, is there any really serious illness, you know, disease, that only happens at the age of, well, comes
30:56about with maturity?
30:57And can you pass it on to your children?
30:59What can you pass on to your children?
31:01This disease.
31:02What disease?
31:03Any disease.
31:06Why don't you just tell me the symptoms and let me make the diagnosis?
31:10Oh, no, no, I haven't got any symptoms.
31:12I'm, um, I'm calling on behalf of a friend.
31:15Mr. Daly, as a doctor, I think I can safely say that I see all aspects of life.
31:20There's no need for embarrassment if your complaint is of a private nature.
31:24Alternatively, if you prefer, I can refer you to a clinic which specializes in venereal disease.
31:30Oh, no, no, no, no, it's not that, no.
31:32I just want some information.
31:34Mr. Daly, do you know how many patients I have waiting outside?
31:39Yeah, I know, it's shocking, isn't it?
31:40It's no wonder more people are going private.
31:42I'm with Farty myself.
31:44Don't beg your pardon?
31:45P-H-A-T-I, Farty.
31:46Personal Health and Treatment Indemnity.
31:49Mr. Daly, what is it that you want?
31:54Excuse me, do you have any do-it-yourself medical books?
31:57Upstairs, sir.
31:58First floor.
32:03And there's, there's definitely no cure for this disease.
32:07What's it called?
32:08Spotter's Syndrome.
32:10No, I'm afraid not.
32:12But Terry seems so fit.
32:13Well, that's what makes it such a cruel disease.
32:15Shall we, um...
32:17See, for years after it's been detected in the blood,
32:21the patient doesn't know anything about it.
32:23And then suddenly, wallop.
32:25The palsy, the shakes.
32:27Before you know where you are, you're falling over the first.
32:30Furniture, cracking your shins on parked cars.
32:32And eventually, of course, it's, uh, fatal.
32:35Oh, poor Terry.
32:37Yes, it's very sad.
32:39The first symptoms are due to show themselves any day now.
32:43Very sad indeed.
32:45I mean, no woman wants to spend her life looking after a man like that, does she?
32:50I wonder why he hasn't mentioned him.
32:53Ah, well, Terry's a very brave boy.
32:56I mean, he wouldn't want to know I've told you,
32:58but I, I felt it was my duty to tell you, my dear.
33:01Yes.
33:02Well, I hope this won't make any difference to a very happy relationship you have with him.
33:06No, no.
33:07No.
33:08Of course not.
33:13It doesn't give us very much to go on, does it, miss?
33:16Can't you remember anything else about them?
33:18Might have helped if you'd phoned us sooner, of course.
33:20Well, I didn't think too much about it at first, did I?
33:23It's not as if they stole any phones.
33:26All they took was the stickers.
33:29Stickers?
33:31I see.
33:33Well, can you remember anything else more useful?
33:36No.
33:38Except the younger one was called Terry.
33:41Huh?
33:42And he definitely, uh, he definitely called the older one Arthur.
33:47The one with the hat.
33:50Thank you, miss.
33:52Thank you very much, miss.
34:04Oh, shit.
34:05Terry, are you all right?
34:06Yeah, yeah.
34:07Are you sure?
34:08Yeah, it's all right, yeah.
34:09I'm having some break, you know.
34:14Oh, my God, the filth.
34:16Can you drive?
34:17What a dream, Arthur.
34:19Drive this car.
34:20Where'd it?
34:21Anywhere.
34:22Just get me with it.
34:29Oh, Mr. Chisholm.
34:31What an unexpected pleasure.
34:33You got a chauffeur now, Daley?
34:35Your business must be looking up.
34:37Oh, what, him?
34:38Oh, no, no, it's just a lad that, uh,
34:40washes a few cars for me.
34:41Running a youth opportunities program, are we?
34:43Well, in these hard times,
34:45one has to do what one can to help the young people.
34:47Very touching, Daley.
34:49Where's your young assistant?
34:50Off to in your motor.
34:51Oh, the, um,
34:54the car wash.
34:55Good, he should be back in a few minutes, then.
34:57Ah, ah, well, now, sometimes at this hour of the day,
35:00you get quite a cue there.
35:01I'm in no hurry.
35:03Inside.
35:04Oh, yes, yes, there's certainly a key somewhere.
35:14No sign of anything here, Gav?
35:16You do realise if you don't...
35:18No, Daley, I don't have a warrant.
35:19Do you wish to insist on one?
35:20If you do, I'll nick you for stealing sticky telephone labels.
35:24I'd rather nick you for something more substantial.
35:27Telephones.
35:29British Telecom approved, I hope, Daley?
35:32Oh, yeah, standard issue.
35:33Have you been getting any cross lines lately?
35:35No, no, no.
35:36No complaints at all.
35:37In fact, I wish I bought a few shares.
35:45Keys.
35:47Jones.
35:48You have no right, Mr. Chisholm.
35:50I'm going to phone my brief.
35:51Open it.
35:52You bloody moron.
35:54This is an outrage.
35:56Oh, I quite agree.
36:00Not to worry.
36:10I don't know what you're looking for.
36:14Oh, you do look tired.
36:17You know what he wants, don't you?
36:18Long weekend in Landugno.
36:26I'll tell you what, I'll have a bacon sandwich as well, all right?
36:28All right, yeah.
36:39All right, all right.
36:40So you're not a moron.
36:42But you must have known all along that your boss was flogging me stolen property.
36:46I've no necked, Arthur.
36:47It's just our mate in Taiwan and dead dodgy.
36:50What are you telling me?
36:52When you use the old system, you know, 4-cell net came in.
36:54Stay when wants them any more.
36:56It's your 50-watt blaster.
36:57Aye.
36:58The frequency control's a bit ropey.
37:00A lot of spurious radiation gear, I think.
37:02Look, will you speak English?
37:04Your conversation sort of gets mixed up in other systems.
37:07You know, like CB radio or police radio.
37:10Aye, that's possible.
37:11That would explain the police beating down your neck.
37:13Oh, my God.
37:14I love to flog them.
37:15Where are they?
37:15They sweat, Arthur.
37:17I've sold them already.
37:18Aye.
37:18Took them to your pal of mine when I seen your visitors.
37:20Oh, come on, come on.
37:21Where's the readies?
37:22Oh, that stays with me, big boy.
37:23I've got to get paid, you know.
37:25Look, Tagger pays you, not me.
37:27Aye, that's the theory.
37:28But McTagger skipped.
37:29Skipped?
37:30Aye, skipped.
37:32Done a bunk.
37:33Bugger-deaf into the Blue Beyond.
37:34Know what I mean?
37:35It's the last time I put my trust in your race, my son.
37:38A right bunch of McRobbers, and no mistake.
37:42Oi, oi, oi, where are you going?
37:43Come on, you owe me.
37:44I'll set Terry on you.
37:45I don't think you'll fire me, Arthur.
37:47No English, guy.
37:49Cheerio.
37:50Arthur!
37:53See you, Arthur.
37:56You're a bam pot.
37:58A right bam pot.
38:14Terry, thank God I've found you.
38:15I've been looking all over for you.
38:17Aye?
38:17Thanks, David.
38:18Eat a tea with two sugars, please, dear.
38:22Terry, I've been outwitted.
38:25No.
38:26Yeah, by a moron.
38:28Well, it had to happen eventually, didn't it?
38:30And I nearly got my collar felt by Chisholm.
38:32The old telephone scam is down the plughole.
38:35I've lost a fortune.
38:37That's what you keep telling me, innit?
38:38The days of the small businessmen are over.
38:41I don't want your sympathy, Terry.
38:42I'm not going to give you anything.
38:43I could have done with a little practical help.
38:45Like what?
38:46Well, giving young Ozzy a smack.
38:47Tea, sir.
38:48I'll tell you.
38:57What are you staring at?
38:59Nothing, nothing.
39:01Everything all right, Terry?
39:03Yeah, well, it was till you came in, yeah.
39:06Good, good.
39:08You a young lady?
39:10She well?
39:11Yeah, she's fine, thank you.
39:12Yeah.
39:13You're a charming girl, that, Sarah.
39:15You seem to get on very well together.
39:16Yeah, we do.
39:17Good, good.
39:18I'm very happy for you.
39:20Very happy for both of you.
39:23You, uh, haven't had a bar here with her or anything, have you?
39:27No.
39:28I'm going to go on with you in a minute, if you don't watch out.
39:30Oh, don't be like that.
39:31Enjoy your sandwich.
39:32Oh, sorry.
39:32Oh, look!
39:45They've all got their bleeding wires with them.
39:48I could kill you, Julie.
39:49It's not my fault.
39:51Sid swore it was a stag do.
39:53Hang about.
39:54That one's on his tod.
39:56That chance.
39:57Brewer's droop.
39:58I'm all in favour of Brewer's droop myself.
40:00I mean, it's strictly no refunds, innit?
40:02I once made 75 quid off a yank who passed out the minute he handed over the cash.
40:06Come on, Sarah.
40:07You're a trashy shit.
40:08Oh, shit.
40:09Here we go, Sarah.
40:10Oh, shit.
40:26Here we go.
40:28I think we've got a punter, girls.
40:31Rather you than me.
40:36Good evening.
40:38Do any of you have the time?
40:4410.37.
40:45Thank you very much.
40:48Must be a beginner.
40:49Oh, for a beginner, innit?
40:54See you later, girls.
40:55You're not, are you?
40:56Darling, I'm two weeks behind with the rent.
40:58Careful, Julie.
40:59Looks kinky to me.
41:01So what?
41:23Looking for business?
41:25No, I mean, that is, um, yeah, yes, yes.
41:29But, uh, you don't have to do anything.
41:33I'm not the sort of man you think I am.
41:36No, I'm sure you're not.
41:38I mean, I'm, uh, I'm not looking for, um, you know, I'm not looking for that.
41:45Something quite different.
41:47Well, that would be a little bit more expensive.
41:50What do you have in mind?
41:51I've got a motor outside.
41:53Could I explain later?
41:54Not until we discuss the money, love.
41:56What?
41:56I don't know.
41:57Um, 100 quid.
41:59And no monkey business involved.
42:02All strictly co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co.
42:04Oh, fair enough.
42:05I've just got to pop to the ladies.
42:07I'll meet you in the lobby.
42:13Oh, I don't know about it, darling.
42:20Arthur!
42:22What a nice surprise!
42:23Oh, God, Andrew, what are you doing here?
42:25And your old company do.
42:26It's rather splendid, actually.
42:28Are you staying in the hotel?
42:29Yes.
42:30No, no, no, I'm, uh...
42:31Oh, on your own, are you?
42:33What?
42:34You don't let me keep you, Andrew.
42:35You carry on.
42:35Oh, no, I've got plenty of time, Arthur.
42:37All the time in the world.
42:37Actually, how about a quick snifter?
42:39The bar's still open.
42:40No.
42:41Yes?
42:43Everything all right?
42:45You seem a trifle overwrought.
42:47No pressure at work, you know.
42:48Well, you should know.
42:49You are my accountant.
42:51Oh, I say!
42:52I heard the most marvellously funny story tonight
42:55about a VAT inspector.
42:59Apparently, this VAT man, um,
43:02was responsible for a group of companies
43:05in the rag trade, you see.
43:06Well, there was this Cypriot company,
43:09and it went into spurious liquidation.
43:12This is purely professional, Andrew.
43:14All righty, lad.
43:15Pure, purely professional.
43:18Yeah.
43:19Just what I was thinking.
43:23It's just sick, doesn't it?
43:28You're welcome.
43:30You're welcome.
43:32Yes.
43:42So, you're welcome.
43:46It's just a great day.
43:47You're welcome.
43:48So, you're welcome.
44:02oh who are you and where is my boyfriend terry what's oh terry who is this other woman how could
44:10you do this to me what are you talking about who are you oh terry come on come on oh
44:17who are you
44:17how'd you get in here any get your clothes on get out go on on your bike come on all
44:23right there's
44:23no need to shove no need to shove you're lucky i don't give you a slap go on and piss
44:27off
44:30dear i look what was all that about i wonder i don't get the wrong end of the stick but
44:36i've
44:36never seen her before in my life i've got no idea who it was no it's a set up in
44:40it i bet your dad
44:42organized this look terry it was bad timing but really i don't mind it's no big deal you're
44:50talking about no big deal you got it all wrong i don't know who she is don't get so emotional
44:53about it i told you i don't mind you're free to do whatever you like we're really very similar
45:02i mean you're not the only man i'm sleeping with right now what well surely you realize
45:08that oh shut up sarah i ain't just saying it's not even a score aren't you no it's true
45:17and even if it is the first time you've seen that girl it's still true terry i don't want
45:23an exclusive relationship with you no look look we haven't known each other very long
45:30no i don't ever want an exclusive relationship with you not with any man terry i think you're
45:36really sweet sweet oh god help us oh you're so wonderfully old-fashioned don't patronize
45:41me i don't understand you i mean look what's wrong with two people sticking together for
45:47a little while eh because it's boring oh it's boring is it oh thank you very much
45:58well i'll tell you what as it's so boring i'm going to bed alone
46:21oh yeah i have a word we'll tell will you he's a bit out of sorts he split up with
46:28that new bird
46:29of his last night and i think he was quite stuck on it oh that's that's very bad news david
46:35it's very
46:35sad get yourself a large drink cheers come on i'll have a lager i'll see you later yeah yeah
46:43aren't you going to have a word with chel no i don't think it's the right moment i think i
46:46should respect his privacy first time he ever done that i didn't see you coming i didn't see
46:50you sitting there here you've seen this no no i must go no no come here come here it won't
46:55take a
46:55minute look look have a look it's amazing isn't it i mean who'd think the bigger burgers could go
47:01bust just like that eh huh and you see what old sir ronald bates has done he's only legged it
47:06to
47:06spain to escape his creditors you all right i'll tell you what i was feeling a bit low myself
47:14and then i read that cheered me up no end do you want to drink some it does have its
47:19tragic sign terry
47:21does it well i think so you know what that old sod did to me what he only planted a
47:26bird in my flat
47:27didn't he hey yeah i'll come back with sarah in there she is right as rain trying to split us
47:31up
47:31you see dave mind you god knows how they got in there you still got that set of keys i
47:39gave you
47:40no no you took them back months ago you can't trust anyone these days can you no dave
47:49mind you probably did us a favor in the long run i mean she was making me look a bright
47:52dummy
47:53wouldn't she i'm very glad to hear that what's that meant to me no i mean you're will shot of
47:57her
47:58oh yeah
48:02terry what's a bam pop bam pop well it's scotch for a ripe wally innit
48:11i need a drink dave
48:14i need a drink dave
48:14i need a drink dave
48:14i need a drink dave
48:14it's I need a drink dave
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