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00:00Health care is at the top of the congressional to-do list as premium tax credits are set to expire at the end of this year for more than 20 million Americans.
00:11House Republicans have released a package of bills they say will help fix the problem.
00:15When I watch TV commercials, I see this gecko lizard and I see the emu and I see all these other animals out there selling health.
00:22They're selling car insurance. They're selling homeowners insurance. Why aren't they selling health insurance?
00:28We here at the GOP are proud to unveil our new health care insurance plan.
00:34And just like the gecko gecko and the lemu emu, we have a fun new animal mascot to help sell it.
00:40Rocco, the health care dog.
00:42Rocco, what should our message be for America?
00:45I want you to go out and kill.
00:46What if they need health care?
00:48Kill.
00:48Are you sure that's the right message?
00:50Kill!
00:52The new GOP health care plan. Remember our motto.
00:55Kill!
00:56It's the Late Show with Stephen Colbert.
01:02Tonight, it's Yammer Time.
01:06Plus, Stephen welcomes Kumail Nanjiani.
01:11With a special appearance by St. Vinzy.
01:15Featuring Louis Cato and the Late Show Band.
01:19And now, live on tape from the Ed Sullivan Theater in New York City, it's Stephen Colbert!
01:28Thank you very much.
01:30Welcome.
01:35Welcome.
01:36Welcome, one and all in here, out there, Mr. and Mrs. and all the ships at sea.
01:43Thank you very much.
01:49Welcome.
01:50Welcome, one and all, in here, out there,
01:52Mr. and Mrs. and all, the ships at sea,
01:55to The Late Show.
01:56I'm your host, Stephen Colbert.
01:58Ladies and gentlemen...
02:02If tonight you are joining us
02:04through the medium of TV,
02:06thank you for staying up late.
02:08We were preempted tonight
02:09because every network agreed to air
02:12old Grandpa Ramble Pants Sundown Jamboree.
02:16It was 9 p.m., right?
02:189 p.m. speech tonight from the Oval, probably?
02:21We don't know.
02:22We talked about doing the show live tonight
02:26to cover the speech, but we decided not to
02:28because, and just to give you a little peek
02:30behind the showbiz curtain,
02:31we would have had to have watched it.
02:36And I don't want to do that no more.
02:40Trump announced tonight's speech out of nowhere
02:51yesterday afternoon, saying,
02:52My fellow Americans, I will be giving
02:55an address to the nation tomorrow night,
02:59live from the White House at 9 p.m.
03:01Est, I look forward to seeing you then.
03:06It has been a great year for our country,
03:08and the best is yet to come.
03:10Okay.
03:12Kind of a mixed signal to announce
03:15an emergency national address
03:16because everything's going great.
03:19It's like your mom calling and saying,
03:21Hey, honey, I know you've got work,
03:23but is there any way you could fly down here tomorrow?
03:25Because your dad
03:26is doing great.
03:33It's a big deal.
03:35It's a really big deal
03:36for networks to just hand over
03:38their primetime slots on such short notice,
03:40especially because here at CBS,
03:43his 9 p.m. speech cuts right into the middle
03:45of the three-hour Survivor season finale.
03:49Wait, unless that's the final challenge.
03:53Survivors, you've endured starvation,
03:55extreme heat, and poisonous snakes,
03:57but for your final challenge,
03:58you must listen to a bitter old man
04:00talk about a ballroom.
04:08Come on.
04:12Very nice.
04:15And again, we're taping this,
04:17we're taping this hours before the speech,
04:19so I don't know what he talked about.
04:21That's a cup of brain poison
04:22future Stephen has to drink.
04:24But in the lead-up to the speech,
04:27Caroline Levitt said
04:28he was going to discuss his accomplishments
04:30since taking office in January.
04:33Where to begin?
04:36Well, to save everyone time,
04:37we made a video montage
04:38of his finest moments.
04:44I said, well, let's see
04:46how we say that.
04:48Acid and menophen.
04:51The fat shot drug.
04:53Deadhead fed hair.
04:55I got an MRI.
04:56It was perfect.
05:01Perfect.
05:03Perfect.
05:03Trump's going to have a tough time convincing American
05:09that everything is just Jim Cracky.
05:11His approval numbers are down in the toity,
05:15and yesterday we got a horrible jobs report
05:17that revealed the unemployment rate in November
05:19rose to 4.6%, the highest level since September of 2021.
05:25The last time job numbers were this bad,
05:28Panera had just introduced their grilled mac and cheese sandwich.
05:31It was bread stuffed with macaroni and cheese.
05:37Of course, nobody could work after eating that.
05:41They could barely breathe.
05:43Fun fact, 2021 was also the year Cracker Barrel
05:46introduced their cinnamon roll pie.
05:49Overall, 2021 was a banner year for shoving carbs
05:52in other crusts of carb.
05:58Yesterday, uh, tonight?
06:00Tonight is Wednesday?
06:01Wednesday.
06:02It's exactly halfway through Hanukkah,
06:04which is why we call this Wednesday Hump Day.
06:07Last night...
06:08Last night, uh, Donald Trump held a celebration
06:12of Hanukkah in the White House,
06:14and he saw fit to give the crowd a little holiday primer.
06:18They wanted that light to burn just for one night,
06:21yet, as the story goes,
06:23that small flame endured for eight days.
06:25Do you know that story?
06:27Does everybody know that story?
06:29The story about how something
06:31that should have never lasted that long
06:32ended up going on forever?
06:34Yeah.
06:35We're living that one.
06:37But also...
06:39Let me...
06:42Let me ask you this.
06:44Do you know that story?
06:45Because they didn't want it to burn for only one night.
06:49They thought it could burn only one night.
06:52If you want a flame to go out quickly
06:54and it burns for a lot longer,
06:55that's not a miracle, that's a grease fire.
06:58Also, the crowd there is to celebrate the holiday.
07:02Pretty sure you don't need to tell them what it's about.
07:05What did he tell the folks at the Christmas party?
07:08So, check it out, y'all, check it out.
07:10You know Jesus, big guy, Mr. Sandals
07:13with the nightgown and the endless fish?
07:16Turns out they do a little baby one now, okay?
07:20This time of year, I didn't know this,
07:21they do a little baby, they do a little baby one,
07:24just like they did with Yoda.
07:26They got a little...
07:29And because air was passing through Trump's windpipe,
07:35he brought up his stupid ballroom,
07:37uh, the one that's gonna cost...
07:39I'm sorry, how much does it cost again?
07:41200 million.
07:42Right, $200 million.
07:45250 million.
07:46Sorry, I'm sorry, I'm...
07:47250 million dollars.
07:49300 million.
07:51Okay, that's more, but 300 million it is,
07:54which he confirmed last night.
07:56A $400 million ballroom...
07:59$400 million, up from $200 million?
08:03How much is this price gonna go up?
08:06100%, 400%, 600%, 1,000%.
08:12But at least all that money is going
08:14towards something important, thick windows.
08:17It'll be the most beautiful ballroom.
08:20It's got five-inch-thick glass windows.
08:23It's impenetrable by anything but a howitzer.
08:27Well, don't tell them that, you dummy.
08:29Don't tell them what to do.
08:38These windows, five-inch, five-inches, five-inches,
08:42impenetrable except anything but a howitzer.
08:46But even if you have a howitzer, they'll never find me
08:48down in my panic bunker, the key to which is hidden
08:51in a very real-looking fake rock labeled Real Rock.
08:57Finally, after what felt like eight nights,
09:01he wrapped up his speech in the smoothest way possible.
09:05You know what?
09:07You're gonna have the greatest ballroom anywhere in the world,
09:09and you're gonna love it.
09:10It's gonna fit beautifully with the White House.
09:11Happy Hanukkah!
09:15Wow.
09:16That ending was really a happy Hanukkah!
09:22One thing, one thing Trump may have brought up in his speech tonight,
09:28I don't know, but he might have brought this up, is that yesterday,
09:30he ordered a blockade of oil tankers into Venezuela.
09:34Now, Trump claims our military presence off the coast of Venezuela
09:38is about drugs, but his chief of staff, Susie Wiles, appeared to confirm
09:41that the campaign is part of a push to oust Maduro.
09:46Perfect.
09:47Because if there's one thing I know, when the U.S. tries regime change,
09:50there's always a happy ending.
09:52I mean, to announce what sure sounds like a war,
09:55Trump posted one of his classic unhinged rants, which read in part,
09:59Venezuela is completely surrounded by the largest armada ever assembled
10:05in the history of South America.
10:07Now, I'm no geographer, but I looked at a map,
10:10and there's only water on one side of Venezuela.
10:15How do you surround it with the Navy?
10:17That's like a cop saying, surrender, we got you completely surrounded,
10:20except for the side doors and the back doors.
10:22Where are they?
10:24Damn it!
10:25They left through one of those other doors.
10:30I told you to put a boat back there.
10:35New York City Mayor Eric Adams.
10:38Really?
10:39No.
10:40No way.
10:46Primarily an actor.
10:49How are you guys doing?
10:50You holding up?
10:51All right.
10:52New York City Mayor Eric Adams' last day in office will be December 31st,
10:56but fear not.
10:57Look how fearful they are.
11:01But fear not.
11:03Adams is not leaving without doing one more wacky thing,
11:06because yesterday, he buried a time capsule at City Hall
11:10to celebrate himself and his four years in office,
11:12which is set to be dug up in just ten years.
11:16Ten years?
11:19Ten years is not a time capsule.
11:21Ten years is a storage unit.
11:23Is it still open?
11:26Can I throw my albums in there?
11:29So anyway, they put a bunch of stuff in the time capsule,
11:34and none of it is what I will remember the mayor for.
11:38What I will remember Mayor Adams for is for this answer to a very simple question.
11:43When you look at the totality of the year, if you had to describe it, and it's tough to do,
11:47in one word, what would that word be, and tell me why?
11:50New York.
11:52This is a place where every day you wake up, you could experience everything from a plane
11:58crashing into our trade center to a person who's celebrating a new business that's open.
12:05Well, it's like the bumper stickers say,
12:11never forget that a new hair salon opened in SoHo.
12:17Adams also.
12:18He also took some time in his press conference to address his critics.
12:22The overwhelming number of us saw what we were doing,
12:26and we were willing to accomplish.
12:28There will always be haters, and our haters will be our waiters.
12:30Yes.
12:31Our haters will be our waiters.
12:33Our detractors will be our failed actors.
12:36Our enemies will be our maitre d's.
12:40And our hate watchers will be our wait watchers.
12:43We've got a great show for you tonight.
12:46My guests are Kumail Nanjiani and St. Vincent.
12:51When we come back, it's Meanwhile.
12:53Join us, won't you?
13:03We've got a great show for you tonight.
13:11You're welcome.
13:13You're welcome.
13:14You're welcome.
13:15You're welcome.
13:15You're welcome.
13:16Give it up for Louis Cato and the band, everybody.
13:18Yes, sir.
13:19Thank you, sir.
13:21Give it up for Louis Cato and the band, everybody.
13:25Thank you, sir.
13:27Thank you, thank you, thank you.
13:33Hey, everybody, coming up in just a little while.
13:35Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
13:37Coming up in just a little while, we have a fantastic actor, comedian, writer.
13:42Kumail Nanjiani is going to be out here in just a little while.
13:46Got a new stand-up special called Night Thoughts.
13:49And after that, we have a new series here on The Late Show we're doing
13:52called Under the Covers, where great artists come on
13:55and play the music of other great artists,
13:56and we talk about why that song is great.
13:59Tonight, St. Vincent is joining us this evening.
14:05Folks, if you watch this show, and I hope you do,
14:09you know that I spend most of my time right over there
14:11at the news workbench,
14:13pattern-cutting the most topical story silk
14:15and adding Guy Pouret embroidery to a semi-sheer base
14:20with tonal blossoms that gather in a monochrome meadow effect
14:23to make for you the Oscar de la Renta foxglove sequin
14:26tool-shift dress that is my monologue.
14:28But sometimes, while hiding in a storm drain
14:31from an Uzbek rhino horn syndicate,
14:33I'm swept into a discharge pond
14:34where I simply discard a tent around me
14:37with scraps of police tape
14:38and sashay away
14:39wearing the swamp Chanel of news
14:41that is my segment.
14:44Meanwhile!
14:52You know what I mean?
14:54You know what I'm saying?
14:55You know what I'm saying?
14:59Meanwhile.
15:01Following speculation online,
15:03Timothee Chalamet won't confirm or deny rumors
15:06that he's the mysterious British rapper
15:08S.D. Kidd.
15:10He wouldn't be the first Oscar-nominated actor
15:12to secretly be a musician,
15:14and who can forget when it was revealed
15:15that one of the guys in Daft Punk
15:17was Michael Caine.
15:21Yeah.
15:22Meanwhile, in family food chain athleticwear news,
15:27Denny's is launching syrup-filled sneakers.
15:30According to the press release,
15:32the limited-edition high-top sneakers
15:33are made with real Denny's syrup
15:36sealed inside the shoe.
15:38So at least,
15:39if you get trapped somewhere without food,
15:41you know you'll die
15:42in the dumbest shoes possible.
15:45Also...
15:46Also, there's one notable catch.
15:53The syrup in the shoe is not edible.
15:56Denny's strongly advises
15:57against puncturing the shoes
15:59or trying to get a taste.
16:00But you just said
16:01that it was real Denny's syrup.
16:03Are you telling me
16:04that Denny's syrup isn't edible?
16:05Because that...
16:06Checks out.
16:10Meanwhile...
16:11Oh, I can go for some pancakes, man.
16:12Oh, yeah.
16:13I can go for a stack of pancakes.
16:15Yeah.
16:16Meanwhile,
16:16a Pittsburgh-based group
16:18baked over 83,000 cookies
16:20in an attempt to set the world record.
16:22That record?
16:23Most Tupperware you'll never get back.
16:25Meanwhile,
16:29in ecclesiastical news,
16:30if you have not heard,
16:31Portugal's got a DJ priest
16:33who mixes club music with prayer
16:35using heavy beats
16:36layered with spiritual messages,
16:38including hits like
16:39Lift Up the Fallen.
16:41Now,
16:41while that sounds like
16:42an odd combination,
16:43remember what St. Peter says
16:45in the Gospel of Matthew.
16:46I can't hear you guys!
16:48Who has the molly?
16:51This is very loud.
16:52Meanwhile...
17:04There's a new conspiracy theory
17:07circling out there
17:08on the Internet
17:09because people are asking,
17:10does Steven Spielberg's
17:12new film star real aliens?
17:14Hopefully.
17:15I'm so tired of movies
17:16with alien roles
17:17without proper alien representation.
17:20I mean, personally,
17:21I believe that E.T.
17:21would have been so much better
17:22if they'd cast an actual alien
17:24like Willem Dafoe.
17:28Meanwhile...
17:29Meanwhile,
17:34in sports news,
17:35Lindsey Vonn just won
17:36the World Cup downhill
17:37at age 41
17:39to start...
17:41at age 41
17:43to start her Olympic season,
17:45while at 61,
17:46I recently tore a hamstring
17:48when I put on my socks
17:49too fast.
17:49Meanwhile...
17:51at a farm in England,
17:54this reindeer was raised
17:55in the house
17:56alongside dogs,
17:57and now he clearly
17:58thinks he is one.
18:00I mean, not surprising.
18:01We all remember
18:02this scene from Mayor Bud.
18:03Ain't nothing in the rule book
18:04says a reindeer
18:05can't be a dog!
18:08Here's what happened.
18:10Outside,
18:10that reindeer
18:11wasn't getting enough milk
18:12from its mother,
18:13so the farmers
18:13had to move it
18:14into the house
18:15where they named it
18:16Lars.
18:16Not surprising.
18:19We all remember
18:19that other scene
18:20from Mayor Bud.
18:21Ain't nothing in the rule book
18:22says a reindeer
18:23can't be named Lars!
18:26Meanwhile...
18:27Meanwhile,
18:31there's bad news
18:32if you're rooting
18:33for the impending rise
18:34of the machines
18:34because iRobot,
18:36the maker of Roomba vacuums,
18:37has filed for bankruptcy.
18:39And...
18:40Is this true?
18:41I'm told we have footage
18:42of a Roomba's reaction
18:43to hearing the news.
18:44We'll be right back
18:51with Kumail Nanjiani.
18:52Welcome back, everybody.
18:59Ladies and gentlemen,
19:01my first guest tonight
19:03is a comedian
19:05and an actor you know
19:06from Silicon Valley,
19:07the Big Sick,
19:08and only murders
19:09in the world.
19:10We'll be right back
19:11with you.
19:12Welcome back, everybody.
19:13Ladies and gentlemen,
19:14my first guest tonight
19:15is a comedian
19:17and an actor you know
19:18from Silicon Valley,
19:19the Big Sick,
19:20and only murders
19:21in the building.
19:22His new stand-up special
19:23is Night Thoughts.
19:24So now this guy
19:26gives us these five pills
19:28and he's like,
19:29just give them to your cat
19:30every day.
19:31And I'm like,
19:32how do you suggest
19:33I do that?
19:34You know how cats
19:35are famously compliant
19:37and do whatever
19:38you ask them to do?
19:40And he goes,
19:41just put it in her food.
19:43She'll eat it.
19:44Which of course
19:45that doesn't work.
19:46Like, imagine
19:47you're at a restaurant
19:48and in your spaghetti
19:49there's like five Tylenols.
19:56You'd be like,
19:57this restaurant.
19:59I'm leaving.
20:00Well, my back
20:01doesn't hurt anymore.
20:06Please welcome back
20:07to The Late Show,
20:08Kumail Nanjiani.
20:10Hi.
20:11Oh, my God.
20:30Nice to see you again.
20:31So good to be here.
20:32Thank you for having me.
20:33Last time I saw you
20:36was backstage at Kimmel's show.
20:39Yeah.
20:40When we were both on Kimmel
20:41on one of the nights
20:42that he was over in Brooklyn
20:43Yeah.
20:44In the fall.
20:45Right.
20:46Yeah, it was right after
20:47he had come back
20:48from being banned.
20:49Right.
20:50Or whatever that was.
20:51And I hadn't.
20:54Yeah, whatever that was
20:55in the air that night,
20:56I didn't want to catch it.
20:57Exactly.
20:58I was like,
20:59I hope it's not contagious.
21:01Whatever you guys got.
21:02It was lovely to see you there.
21:03How often do you get back
21:05to the East Coast?
21:06What do you enjoy to do
21:07when you're here?
21:08Well, I mean, you know,
21:09I used to live here.
21:10My family lives in Jersey.
21:11My brother,
21:13give it up for Jersey,
21:14three people.
21:15Yeah.
21:16We only allow three.
21:17Three are very excited.
21:18Yes.
21:19My brother actually just got
21:20married this weekend in Jersey.
21:22Oh, that's wonderful.
21:23So that's what we did.
21:25Yeah.
21:26Younger brother?
21:27Older brother?
21:28Younger brother, yeah.
21:29Okay, so you had advice
21:30about marriage and that kind
21:31of stuff?
21:32Not really.
21:33My biggest advice on marriage
21:35is don't get divorced.
21:37That's been working for me
21:38for 18 years.
21:39Oh, congratulations.
21:40And that's what I told them.
21:41Yeah, thank you.
21:42But, you know,
21:45Pakistani family, very loud.
21:48Like, we'll have conversations
21:50across the room.
21:51Like, full conversations.
21:52We don't walk to each other.
21:54And people are having this conversation.
21:56We're having this conversation.
21:58And then, you know,
21:59no restaurant is less than an hour away.
22:02Everyone's getting in, like,
22:03five cars driving to a restaurant.
22:05Go to the restaurant.
22:06You know, my dad's like,
22:07I'm ordering for everybody.
22:09You don't get to order.
22:10He orders enough for 14 families.
22:13And then he doesn't eat.
22:15He just walks around
22:16looking at everybody's plate.
22:18And if he sees, like, an open spot,
22:19he just, like, tosses naan on there
22:21like a ninja star.
22:23Force-feeding us, like, foie gras ducks.
22:26That's nice.
22:27And then at the end, you know,
22:28very aggressive divvying up
22:30of the leftovers.
22:32He's like, you're taking home
22:33three boxes of kebabs.
22:34Like, Dad, like a referee giving penalties,
22:37you know?
22:38Like, Dad, I can't take three boxes.
22:40He's like, well, now it's four boxes of kebabs
22:42and a box of dry white rice.
22:44Like, dude, Dad, I have a flight.
22:47Like, you know people are putting their laptops
22:49on the security thing.
22:51I've got, like, just skewers of Pakistani barbecue
22:54making the people around me even more racist
22:56than they already are.
22:58Because nobody's at zero, right?
23:00Everybody's.
23:01Sure.
23:02A little bit.
23:03Everyone's got a preference.
23:04Sure, of course.
23:05Yeah.
23:06What's your favorite one?
23:07Okay.
23:08So you're safe.
23:12Oh, yeah.
23:13Okay, great.
23:14I find you very attractive.
23:15I like it.
23:16Thank you so much.
23:17You just, you did something I'm mildly jealous of.
23:19You just had your star turn on Broadway.
23:22You're Mary Todd Lincoln's husband,
23:24as the character is described,
23:26in O'Mary here on Broadway.
23:28Yeah, very...
23:29With Jinx Monsoon.
23:30Very...
23:32Sometimes called Abe, yes.
23:34Yeah, I guess.
23:35A obscure American historical figure.
23:37Yes.
23:38Every little kid in Pakistan dreamed
23:40of playing Abe Lincoln someday.
23:42And I got to.
23:44I'm just curious.
23:45Growing up in Pakistan,
23:46what do you learn about Abe Lincoln?
23:48Anything?
23:49That he didn't get to finish the play.
23:54And that's the sad part, I suppose.
23:56That's kind of all I knew.
23:58And, um, but my parents came to see it.
24:01Have you seen O'Mary?
24:02Oh, have you?
24:03Yeah, yeah, yeah.
24:04I'm curious.
24:05It's fantastic.
24:06Very filthy show.
24:07Very, very dirty.
24:08Yeah.
24:09And so, um, there's a part where, uh,
24:11my character gets simulated oral sex from a man.
24:16And I was very nervous from, you know, I had not,
24:18as a little Pakistani kid, I wasn't like,
24:20someday I want my mom to see this.
24:23And so, Emily had prepped them, had been like,
24:27this is the approved sentence.
24:29And so, after the show, when they came backstage,
24:31I was like, what'd you think?
24:32And they were like, it's a great show.
24:34We're very proud of you.
24:36And they all just said that over and over.
24:39Like pod people.
24:40So, I have no idea if they liked the show or not.
24:43Sure.
24:44I'm great with that, though.
24:45Please.
24:46If you're gonna come backstage, just say,
24:47it's a great show.
24:48You were wonderful.
24:49We're so proud of you.
24:50That is true.
24:51It took me a while to get my parents,
24:52because, you know, I tell them, ask them, like,
24:53what'd you think of the movie?
24:54And they'd give me a real critique.
24:55I'm like, no, no, no.
24:57I don't want that.
24:59Just tell me you thought it was great.
25:01So, they finally learned.
25:02Just say the sentence that's been written out for you.
25:06We have to take a quick break.
25:07We'll be right back with more Kumail Nanjiani, everybody.
25:09Stick around.
25:10Hey, everybody!
25:23We're back with Kumail Nanjiani.
25:25You've got a new stand-up special, as I said,
25:27called Night Thoughts.
25:28It's not even out yet.
25:30I don't know how this is possible.
25:31It's not...
25:32No one has seen it, and it's nominated for a Golden Globe.
25:35Yeah, that's, uh...
25:36How is that?
25:40How is that possible?
25:43I'm afraid they'll take back the nomination
25:45once they watch it, Steven.
25:47So, Night Thoughts.
25:48Yes, sir.
25:49Define a Night Thought.
25:50Night Thought...
25:51I don't know how many people get this.
25:52You know when you're laying in bed in the middle of the night
25:54and you can't sleep, and your brain's like,
25:56here's something new for you to worry about?
25:59Night Thoughts are like day thoughts,
26:01except they hate you, you know?
26:03Do you get Night Thoughts?
26:05No, I have edibles.
26:07Really?
26:09It's legal.
26:10No, I know it's legal, but that works for you?
26:13Oh, yeah.
26:14Really?
26:15100%, yeah.
26:16I should try those.
26:17No, I'm just compiling new Night Thoughts all the time.
26:20I actually write them down when I get a new one.
26:22Oh, really?
26:23Yeah.
26:24You want me to read you my...
26:25These are my newest ones.
26:26I beg you to.
26:27I've written these out.
26:28So you keep your phone handy and type that in?
26:30Yeah, yeah, I type it out.
26:32I want to stress, these are all completely real.
26:34I swear they're not made up.
26:36This is a Night Thought I had recently.
26:39It's all one...
26:40This first one is just all one thought.
26:42I wonder if I locked the door.
26:44If someone broke in, where would I hide while they go through my stuff?
26:50You know what I should do?
26:52I should put everything I have that's valuable in a sack and leave it by the door.
26:57And put a sign on it that says, the good stuff.
27:02That way I won't have to hide for too long.
27:05Maybe I should get a gun.
27:07Would my video gaming experience help me with having to shoot an actual intruder?
27:12Would I shoot him in the leg?
27:13Or should I just shoot him anywhere and deal with the psychological fallout later?
27:19I wonder if I will be in a nuclear attack in my lifetime.
27:24That is 100% a real Night Thought.
27:27Here's another one I had recently.
27:29Please, don't stop.
27:32Here's another one that kept me up.
27:34Do bears poop and pee themselves the entire time they're hibernating?
27:39Or do they wake up to go to the bathroom?
27:42I don't know.
27:43Well, I looked it up.
27:44That night? Did you look it up or later?
27:46I looked it up the next day.
27:47Okay.
27:48I got two words for you, Steven.
27:50What?
27:51Fecal plug.
27:53Bears.
27:54I'm sorry.
27:55I don't know if this is going to be on the show.
27:57They have a fecal plug.
27:59It's a hardened mass of feces, dead intestinal cells, hair, and bedding that blocks their colon.
28:07Bedding!
28:08Bedding?
28:09They put bedding.
28:10They got a MyPillow up there?
28:11Oh, my God.
28:13Wouldn't it be great, though?
28:16Just like...
28:17I don't know how much of that will make it to air.
28:19We'll see.
28:20It would be great to just shovel MyPillow up there and be like, I'll see you in June.
28:25The special was shot at the Vic Theater.
28:27Yes, sir.
28:28In Chicago.
28:29I was in Chicago for many years.
28:30I know the Vic.
28:31Yeah.
28:32I love it there.
28:33It's true.
28:34I moved to Chicago to start stand-up because, you know, I looked at the comedians who had
28:38come from Chicago, and you were on the list.
28:41And that's why I chose to move to Chicago.
28:44That is a wonderful, wonderful lie.
28:46Thank you so much.
28:47No, it's not a lie.
28:48It is not a lie.
28:50And I wanted to shoot it again in Chicago because that's where I started stand-up.
28:54That's where my wife and I met, you know?
28:56Yeah, that's nice.
28:57That's nice.
28:58Is she Chicagoan?
28:59No, she's from North Carolina.
29:01But we met in Chicago.
29:02Yeah.
29:03More North Carolina than New Jersey.
29:05Exactly.
29:06In New York.
29:07And it was a wonderful weekend.
29:09We got there, and Emily was like, I didn't know this.
29:12Right before the taping, she was like, you know, today's my comaversary, she calls it.
29:17So my wife, when we first started dating, she got really sick, and she was in a coma for eight days.
29:24And I hadn't realized that it was her comaversary.
29:28So the day that I recorded it was the day she came out of her coma.
29:32So it was a very emotional, very emotional recording.
29:36Yeah.
29:37You include in the stand-up special, you know, what sort of discoveries you made in therapy.
29:42Yeah.
29:43Is that difficult for you to share that kind of stuff?
29:46No, I wanted to share it for so many years, you know.
29:50I thought I was, like, just happy all the time.
29:54And then every now and then I'd get very angry out of nowhere.
29:57And it turns out I did have, like, sadness and fear that I was not, like, admitting to myself.
30:03And I think...
30:04So a comedian with hidden sadness and fear.
30:07What is that like?
30:08I know, I'm tears of a clown.
30:10I'm breaking the rules.
30:11Yes.
30:12Yes.
30:13So I just thought, you know, it was my journey.
30:15And I think it would help.
30:16I feel like...
30:17I feel like men sometimes have trouble admitting when they're sad and when they're scared.
30:22I certainly had that, you know, because we're taught, like, men are strong.
30:26We don't feel that.
30:27We only feel anger.
30:28That's the manly emotion.
30:29Eat your kebabs.
30:30Eat your kebabs.
30:32You say that you like to leave the audience with a warm feeling.
30:36Yeah.
30:37What do you go to for that warm feeling?
30:38Well, this one I wanted to sort of talk about, you know, obviously, we're in a pretty intense
30:45moment in history.
30:47We're living through it all.
30:48Mm-hmm.
30:49And so I sort of...
30:50I talk about how, like, as long as we're there for each other, we're gonna be okay.
30:55And I make the audience...
30:56I end the show by saying, this is gonna be bleeped.
31:02I say, this up and you're going to be okay.
31:05I say that to the audience and I make them say that to me in unison.
31:09And it feels really nice.
31:10It feels like, hey, maybe we will be okay, you know?
31:14That's how I feel.
31:15I feel like as long as there's a community and we support each other, we'll get through it.
31:20Kumail, you left me with a warm feeling.
31:24His stand-up special, Night Thoughts, is out this Friday on Hulu.
31:28Kumail Nanjiani, everybody.
31:30We'll be right back with St. Vincent.
31:33Hey, ladies and gentlemen, welcome back, and welcome, one and all, to The Late Show's critically described series, Under the Covers, where we have great musical artists cover someone else's great song.
32:00Tonight, I'm proud to say, I'm here with Zane Vincent.
32:03Annie, thank you so much for being here.
32:06So, Annie, what song have you decided to do for us this evening and under the covers?
32:10Well, we are going to do Young Americans by one Mr. David Bowie.
32:15Oh, that's extraordinary. Extraordinary.
32:17Why...
32:18Why Young Americans?
32:21Um, well, I performed it at a benefit concert called Love Rocks.
32:26Right, oh, I saw that.
32:27Yes, you were also there.
32:28I was in the wings.
32:29I know, we chit-chatted.
32:30Yeah, we did a little bit.
32:31We had a nice time.
32:32Yeah, matter of fact, when you started doing Young Americans on stage, one of the old crew guys there, because the beacons got really old, you know, people have been there a long time, he goes, wow, it takes some balls to cover this song.
32:44And about a minute later, I turned to him, I said, looks like she's got him.
32:48Oh, thank you.
32:50Yeah.
32:51Yeah.
32:52Who would you want to cover one of your songs?
32:53Because that's a big thing when an artist you admire does one of your songs.
32:58Is there anybody you would have in mind for that?
32:59I have, like, three people in mind.
33:02Um, the first is Erykah Badu.
33:05Sure.
33:06Who is one of my absolute heroes.
33:09And I have tried many, you know how sometimes you can reach out to people on, like, um, you know, Instagram or...
33:16You can slip into their DMs.
33:18Yes, I believe that's in modern parlance, yes.
33:21And so I have, on many occasions, because we're both from Dallas, on many occasions, I have tried to befriend Erykah Badu.
33:29And it has not gone well.
33:30She's not been unkind.
33:31It's just, I don't get a response, so...
33:34Well, she's clearly, I'm sure she watches the show most nights.
33:36Yeah.
33:37Erykah, please return her calls.
33:39I mean, it's been, it's been years of me trying to instigate a friendship with Erykah Badu.
33:43Wow.
33:44But anyway, that's not that sob story.
33:46But, um, I would say Erykah...
33:49Dochi's really sick.
33:51She's fantastic.
33:52I'm very into Dochi.
33:54Um...
33:55She's just killing it right now.
33:57And, um, I think I would like to see...
34:01What would the slits do to a St. Vincent song?
34:04Oh.
34:05Wow.
34:06Make it a lot better, I think.
34:07Sure.
34:08Yeah.
34:09Do you have a favorite cover that you've heard somebody else do?
34:11I think it's the slits, Heard It Through the Grapevine.
34:14Oh, wow.
34:15I don't know that.
34:16I mean, I know Heard It Through the Grapevine.
34:17I don't know that.
34:18Yeah, I know, it's...
34:19Yeah.
34:20It's, like, English, you know, post-punk...
34:22Sure.
34:23...deconstructo version of Heard It Through the Grapevine, and it's so great.
34:27You know what's another great one is, um, is Jeff Buckley doing Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah.
34:34Sure.
34:35Sure.
34:36Yeah.
34:37One of the few passable Hallelujah covers.
34:38Incredible, incredible, yeah.
34:39Or let's go Leonard Cohen again.
34:40Right.
34:41And let's go Nina Simone doing Suzanne by Leonard Cohen.
34:45Oh.
34:46You're right, Nina doing any cover is absolutely better.
34:49Sure.
34:50Well, um, uh, listen, let us not delay the moment of joy a moment longer.
34:55Ladies and gentlemen, now performing David Bowie's Young Americans, St. Vincent.
35:11Well, you're just behind the bridge He lays her down She frowns
35:23Gee, my life's a funny thing Am I still too young?
35:28I kissed a girl in there She took us free, took us babies
35:34It took it minutes Took her nowhere
35:37Have to know, see, they're taking anything
35:40But all night she was a young American
35:46Young American, young American
35:49She was a young American
35:51All night she was a young American
35:57Scanning light through the picture window
35:59She's like a stinky vagabond
36:02Because as if I says a fault must take
36:05But heaven forbid she's taking anything
36:07But the freak in a step of the nothing
36:10Release a step and cuts his hand
36:13Showing up in his hopes like a song he cried
36:16Where of all problems he was gone
36:18All night she was a young American
36:23Young American, young American
36:26She was a young American
36:29All night she was a young American
36:34All the way from Washington
36:36Bed, bed, bed and bags on the bathroom floor
36:39Where we live for just these 20 years
36:42Do we have to die for the 15 more?
36:45All night she was a young American
36:50Young American, young American
36:53So she was a young American
36:55All night she was a young American
37:00All night she was a young American
37:02Do you remember President Biden?
37:15Do you remember the bills you have to pay
37:21Or even yesterday?
37:32Have you picked me un-American Just you and your idols singing for Santa
37:40Bow, let her, let her have me wear a hand Not only meant from me get to
37:45Well, well, well, would you carry a razor? Just in case, in case of depression
37:50Sit on your hands with a boss of survivors Lashin' at the Afro-Shinas
37:56Well, ain't that close to love? Yeah Well, ain't that close to love?
38:00Well, ain't that Barbie doll, babe? Her heart's been broken just like you and I
38:06All night, she was a young American Young American, young American
38:14What's a guy, young American? All night, can I tell you I'm gonna lie again
38:22You ain't a pimp, ain't a hustler A bitch got a cattie and a lady got a Chrysler
38:27Plexin' whisperer, why can't they so train?
38:30Mama got a crotch, hey, look at your hands, say
38:33I'll make the news today, oh boy I got a sweet and you got your feet
38:38Ain't there a man who can save no more? Yeah
38:40Ain't there a woman I can talk on the shore?
38:43Ain't there a woman I can talk on the shore? Ain't there a woman I can talk on the shore?
38:46Ain't there a child I've been over the days?
38:48Ain't there a man? Ain't there a man? Ain't you proud? You still got faces?
38:50Ain't there one damn song that can make me
38:55Break down and cry?
39:01All night, I was a young American Young American
39:12Too young, too young All night, I'm afraid of Americans
39:19Young American, young American I was a young American
39:24All night
39:38Save Vincent, everybody! We'll be right back!
39:54HEY, THAT'S IT FOR THE LATE SHOW, EVERYBODY.
39:56TUNING IN TOMORROW, MY GUEST WILL BE HUGH JACKMAN.
40:00GOOD NIGHT, ALL.
40:24GOOD NIGHT, ALL.
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