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00:04when I got your call I was kind of struck I just kind of felt like maybe this is something
00:13I should
00:14venture out into and see what comes of it it's been a roller coaster I mean I have my ups
00:24and
00:24my downs you know there's the breakthroughs and then I'm like you know thank you Jesus you helped
00:28me get through this and then there's times where it's like I don't even understand why I'm going
00:32through this much pain and why I still hurt so bad there's days that I'm crippled my mom has always
00:49had homicidal tendencies and she has just taken a lifetime to actually finish the job I didn't know
00:59what to do because I wasn't present I wasn't a witness but I knew my mother I knew she had
01:07this
01:07history of attempted murder I knew what she did to me and
01:24I'm sorry I just knew she did something
01:37so
02:17So this is my mom.
02:20I see a beautiful woman that had the potential to have a really good life, and she made some bad
02:29choices.
02:30I saw the good side. I saw the bad side.
02:33When she was good, she was remarkable. She was wonderful.
02:37When she was bad, she was horrible.
02:40The eyes are a window into the soul.
02:43There's no emotion in those eyes when you look in this photo.
02:50My mom was a very good pretender.
02:52She was pretending things were okay, and even though she was about to go to trial over attempted murder.
03:17I was approaching eight, and my bike was very small.
03:22And I had asked for a bicycle almost every single day, right up till Christmas.
03:28I wanted to ride and just be a kid and ride around and see my friends and go to the
03:33park.
03:34I woke up, and I was one of the first ones in the living room, and there was two bicycles.
03:42I was hoping that one of them was mine, and my mom kind of laughed at me and said that
03:48it wasn't mine
03:48because they're obviously boy bikes and not for me.
03:56When everybody got their gifts, and my brothers were all excited, I cried.
04:01My brothers did not ask for a bike that Christmas.
04:04I was the one that asked.
04:05You would have to be intentionally spiteful, trying to cause somebody some kind of pain
04:12when that's all they've asked for.
04:15I asked my mom about the bike, and she just basically said she didn't have the money.
04:20But you have the money to buy them a bike.
04:24I think it was very obvious how much I was hurt by that moment, and she didn't care.
04:34She showed me she didn't care because she never did buy me the bike.
04:40There was never really a true, healthy relationship with my mother.
04:45I can say that I've never had that.
04:49I always felt like I was chasing after something I couldn't have.
05:09You open the fridge, and you think you're going to make yourself some eggs and toast,
05:13and you see there's no eggs, there's no toast, and then you're like,
05:16well, let me go over here and see if there's any cereal, and then you see there's no cereal.
05:21The fridge would be empty except for a big thing of spaghetti or goulash or something.
05:28She honestly didn't care, and she said, well, that's what there is,
05:31and you'll either eat it or you'll go without.
05:33And so a lot of times I went without.
05:39I was hungry.
05:40Like, I can remember my stomach growling.
05:45I remember one time just like, I'm like, I'm going to go steal some food.
05:49A candy bar had nuts in because I was like starving hungry.
05:55As a small child, the doctors were worried because I wasn't growing.
05:59I wasn't getting the nutrients I needed to sustain my development and to help me grow.
06:07And she, she honestly, I don't believe, cared.
06:11She oftentimes would go out to eat, go to the club, buy herself new clothes.
06:17Don't wait up.
06:18I'll be out late.
06:21She was just constantly spending money, and then she acted like going to the grocery store
06:26was, you know, going to cost her an arm and a leg.
06:30She provided mainly for her needs, and the kids came last.
06:39My father, he was very distant.
06:42He worked a lot.
06:43And looking back, I mean, I can't say that either one had better qualities than the other
06:50because they both had poor qualities as far as parenting and people skills
06:55and showing compassion or love and affection.
07:02There are some things that still bother me, and I still have moments where I have triggers
07:08of things that something will happen in the environment that I'm in, whether I'm home
07:14or in the community.
07:15I have to go through that process.
07:21That's the thing with PTSD.
07:23You don't always get over it.
07:40I didn't understand why we weren't with our mother, but it was because my sister had made
07:44an accusation of not having enough food in the house.
07:49So, eventually, I ended up with a foster family that were two parents that were unable to conceive
07:58and have children.
07:59And I learned to feel appreciated.
08:02I learned to feel loved because she spent time with me.
08:05We would listen to music together.
08:07We would go out.
08:09And I learned what it was to sit at the supper table, you know, and have a meal with the
08:13family.
08:15That was the home I learned to brush my teeth in.
08:18That was the home that I learned to take care of my hair.
08:21I didn't even know that I had to learn those things.
08:26But while I was there, it was life-changing for me.
08:32Because it showed me the dynamics of a true, genuine family and what it looks like, what it feels like.
08:52I feel like it was three or four months that I hadn't seen my mom, and I hadn't seen my
08:58dad at all.
09:00We were in a room with a children youth worker who was watching every interaction.
09:08We all ran up, gave her big hugs, and she said she loved us.
09:14I think some part of it was not genuine because she was more compassionate and loving in public
09:24when there was multiple people around than she was privately.
09:33I don't think she was nearly distressed as I would be having her children removed from her care.
09:39It seemed like we were more of a hindrance to her.
09:42We were holding her back from her doing the things that she really wanted to do.
09:50She did not act like it was a big deal, in my opinion, as a small child when we saw
09:55her.
09:55She seemed like she was a little bit on the nervous side.
09:59And we sat at the table for a little bit with her before the visit was over,
10:04and everybody went back to where we were.
10:07I'll see you again soon.
10:10I missed her every day.
10:12I missed my mom all the time.
10:16I think because that child-parent bond,
10:20it's just an innate feeling that every child has to be with their parent.
10:27But my mom did not have that.
10:38I remember feeling like my parents are going to walk in.
10:42I'm going to get to have a supervised visit.
10:43And they told us that our father was very sick and he was in the hospital.
10:49And that the police had brought charges against our mother for poisoning him.
10:58It was a wild ride to go in there thinking we were going to have a visit
11:03to find out that my mom was potentially in jail and my dad was in the hospital
11:09and that I wasn't going to see either parent that day.
11:12I learned that my mother was being charged with attempted homicide.
11:22I've never read this before, so...
11:25The victim stated he owned several properties
11:28which would become his wife's in the event of his death,
11:32as well as several insurance policies.
11:36It did make sense that my mom would be the beneficiary.
11:41Mrs. Turner also advised that she recalled that in the past,
11:45her father would become strangely ill and bedridden,
11:49usually after eating something prepared for him by the defendant.
11:53She remembered one occasion when she had one cup set aside
11:57and was stirring in some white powder.
11:59That appeared to be crushed pills.
12:02The defendant then directed her to give the cup to the victim,
12:07who was sick in bed.
12:13My sister is recalling a poisoning event before I was even born.
12:20That basically just reiterates that my mom had attempted to poison my father
12:27other times without success.
12:32My understanding is there was something technical that allowed her to be acquitted.
12:38She was left off on the technicality versus being innocent.
12:43After the poisoning, he was very weak, very frail.
12:48I do think it's very fortunate that my father is still alive.
12:52I was shocked when I found out that my mom had done that.
12:57You know, I'm like, is this true? Is this not true?
12:59And I was not around when it happened, so I had no idea of any of the details.
13:14One day, my foster mom had sat me down with the children and youth worker
13:19that came to the house, and they discussed,
13:21how would you feel about returning to live with your mother?
13:25And I just was excited.
13:26I was overwhelmed, seven years old, excited to be home with my mom.
13:34When I was going home, I had hoped that since my mom left my dad,
13:38that things were going to be healthier, they were going to be better,
13:42it was going to be more like a normal family,
13:44and I would find out that it wasn't.
13:47For me, it has always been a reality that my mom would be in and out of jail.
13:54She was in jail a few times.
13:56My mom has always been writing bad checks.
13:59She was in jail during the attempted murder trial,
14:04and then she was in jail for stealing money from the Legion where she was on a board.
14:10And it was disappointment, and it was sad to know that my mom was in jail,
14:16and I always kind of felt bad for her as a kid.
14:20I wanted to see my mom as innocent.
14:22And as an adult, I realized that she most likely deserved to be in jail during those times.
14:45Back in the day, they used it to suppress somebody's behavior,
14:50make them more docile.
14:53I was like a walking zombie.
14:55I was drooling.
14:57I had like a shuffling gait.
14:59My speech was slurred.
15:03And then eventually, one day, I was in bed sleeping.
15:07My mom, she came to check on me, and I was seizing really bad.
15:12I just remember waking up and her telling the medics that she had done CPR on me.
15:19Thorazine has a deadly effect on my heart condition,
15:22which is what caused my cardiac arrest on three occasions.
15:27And after some time, the doctors basically told my mom,
15:32she either needs to come off of this medication or she's going to die.
15:40She wouldn't have taken me off of it unless a doctor would have really pushed her.
15:45Absolutely could have killed me.
15:46I think my mom enjoyed not having to deal with me while I was heavily medicated.
15:53She was very much about keeping me silent and keeping me under her control
15:58versus how it impacted my mental health, my physical health, my general health.
16:05Looking back, knowing the things my mom is capable of,
16:10I would say the thought has crossed my mind, was she trying to get rid of me?
16:28Jack made good money, you know, more than enough to support us and take care of things.
16:33But the fact that my mom had fines that she had to pay
16:37and she had bad checks that just multiplied the amount of debt that they had to pay,
16:44he eventually got to the point where he struggled to financially provide for all of us.
16:51And I came home from school and I walked in the living room and there was no furniture in there.
17:00There was nothing but, like, a lamp in the corner.
17:05But there was furniture there in the morning when I left for school.
17:09We had a couch, a loveseat, a chair, and a recliner,
17:14and a coffee table and end tables and a TV, big floor model.
17:18All of it was gone when I got home.
17:20I don't know what's happening and I'm thinking, are we moving?
17:24That was the first thought that came to my mind as a kid.
17:27And then when my mom came home, I questioned her.
17:29What's going on?
17:31Are we moving? Where's the living room furniture?
17:33And she said, I didn't pay my bill then.
17:35They came and they picked it up today.
17:40It was a rent-to-buy situation with the furniture.
17:42And so she would frequently just not make her payments.
17:47What the hell is going on here?
17:50I do remember my mom and Jack having arguments
17:54where they would be yelling at each other.
17:56I missed a payment.
17:58I think he was mad at her for not spending the money appropriately.
18:04She always said she didn't have the money.
18:06So, I mean, that was a hard statement for any of us to process
18:10because we knew she had the money.
18:12She was constantly spending money.
18:16I would learn over the course of the next year
18:19that it was going to be a frequent occurrence,
18:21people coming, knocking on the door
18:23because she didn't make a payment.
18:39In 2010, when Jack was diagnosed with cancer,
18:43about the time my first daughter was born,
18:45I had to deal with the family stuff that was going on.
18:49I was close to Jack.
18:52I was there.
18:53I was helping him.
18:54He was putting up the good fight, you know.
18:57He was doing the medications.
18:59He was doing the chemo.
19:00He was doing everything he could to try and live longer,
19:04try and beat it as best he could
19:06because what Jack had was an incurable cancer.
19:11From October to December, he just declined.
19:16November into December was the hardest for him.
19:21And then the night he died,
19:23my sister was there and told my mom,
19:26you know, if you need to go to bed, you need to rest.
19:28And I looked at my sister and I said,
19:31I don't think he's going to be here that much longer.
19:36And my mom went to bed.
19:38And she didn't hesitate.
19:40She just went.
19:42And she wasn't in that room 20 minutes,
19:45and he passed away.
19:48And I said, you need to go get mom because he's gone.
19:55And my mom did not cry.
20:01I don't know if she was so struck that she couldn't cry
20:06or if that was her lack of, like, empathy.
20:13She didn't care.
20:15Some part of me questions was her love for Jack
20:22as genuine at the end as it was at the beginning.
20:26But within 30 days, she was courting our neighbor.
20:42This is December 2011.
20:47A couple weeks before Jack had passed away,
20:50we gave him his Christmas present early.
20:53I think for the whole family's sake,
20:56we were blessed to have him in our life.
21:00Her track record says that she probably
21:03would have murdered sooner
21:04had she not been with somebody
21:06who was so adamant on keeping her
21:10on the straight and narrow.
21:11Jack was the backbone that kept my mom
21:15from going astray.
21:16And I felt like when he died,
21:20it was just going to dissipate into chaos.
21:24And it kind of did.
21:35John and Joan bought the house
21:36two doors down from my mom,
21:39and it became the social central place to be.
21:44My mom and Joan began to hang out more often.
21:48She had said that Joan was complaining
21:50that she had a lot of heartburn,
21:51and she was feeling like she was nauseated a lot lately.
21:57She had called Joan.
21:58Joan didn't answer the phone.
22:03She opened up the door, and she went in.
22:06And Joan was asleep with her coffee next to her
22:11in her chair in the back room.
22:14And she called 911.
22:18Then they came and pronounced her death.
22:22I'm not sure why my mom had to go down
22:25and check on Joan.
22:26I don't know the reasoning why.
22:28I thought my mom and Joan were good friends.
22:30At the time, I did not think Joan
22:32had any foul play in her death.
22:36But there was the question
22:38that she may have possibly done something to Joan.
22:43So it's kind of how I grew up looking at my mom,
22:46you know, with that question mark.
22:49Did she do it?
22:50Did she not do it?
22:52It's always been there kind of fluctuating.
22:57She's capable of doing that.
23:00So there's a question there,
23:02but I don't want to speculate anything
23:04that can't be founded because Joan is cremated
23:07and we'll never know those results.
23:27So this is mom and John's wedding day.
23:29I felt that my mom's ambition to marry him
23:35was not with the full intention of love.
23:39My mom was seeking him out
23:42almost immediately after Jack's death.
23:45We hadn't even had Jack's memorial service.
23:47I think my mom saw an opportunity
23:52and she did everything she could to seize that moment.
23:57She told him that she loved him
24:00and I think she loved him more for his assets.
24:04Her facial expression, she has an awkward smile.
24:08It looks like it's kind of forced.
24:10I kind of sensed in my spirit at that time
24:12that something was going on
24:14because I could see the behavior pattern starting back up.
24:20John had no idea what he was getting into.
24:38John was not shy about saying that he had money.
24:41He didn't care that people knew that he had money
24:43and he didn't think that he was a target.
24:46He didn't think that he was vulnerable.
24:48He thought she was just your everyday nice old lady
24:53who liked to make pies and be a social butterfly.
24:57He was oblivious.
24:59Every time I came to the house,
25:02my mom said,
25:04shh, don't say anything.
25:06And I always looked at her and I said,
25:08what do you mean don't say anything?
25:10Don't talk about her past.
25:12He doesn't need to know anything.
25:15She did hide all of it as much as she could.
25:20John didn't know about her attempted murder trial,
25:24didn't know about her being in jail
25:26for bad checks and stealing money.
25:29So he didn't know any of that.
25:32There were moments where I felt compelled
25:34to tell John some things,
25:36but she didn't want him knowing anything
25:38because she didn't want him to discount her.
25:42She was talking about vacation.
25:44She was talking about cars.
25:46She was talking about furniture.
25:47She was talking about giving money away.
25:51She said that he's very tight with his money
25:53and doesn't like to give up any control
25:55and it's going to take her a while to gain access.
26:12My sister-in-law that is married to my brother
26:15and I had a conversation
26:16and she said that she had given away
26:19like $35,000 of John's money.
26:24As I'm asking my mom questions,
26:27she got very offended,
26:30very defensive,
26:31and she said,
26:33it's none of your business
26:34what John and I do with our money.
26:37Are you suggesting John knows
26:39how much money you're giving away?
26:41But at the same time,
26:43she didn't want me to talk to John
26:44about the money at all.
26:47Something was going on
26:48that she didn't want to talk about.
26:50There was tension between my mom and I
26:52since I questioned the money and everything.
26:57Like, things just seemed to start to go south.
27:00She starts escalating.
27:02She starts plotting and planning.
27:09And the next thing I know,
27:12my mom had called Children and Youth Services
27:14and made accusations against me
27:17in regards to my children.
27:24She said to my sister
27:26that she was going to keep the kids
27:28and she was going to have Children and Youth
27:29allow her to foster them.
27:32And I was like, oh no.
27:34No, not happening.
27:36She was trying to keep me at distance.
27:39She was trying to break me down
27:41before I could do anything to alert John.
27:50I called the state police
27:52and I told them the situation
27:54that my mom had taken the children home
27:56and I wanted a state trooper to come out
27:58because she was not going to release the kids to me.
28:02I had got there before the trooper got there
28:05and I went to the door
28:06and I said, I'm here for my kids.
28:10And my mom said, you can't have them.
28:13And I said, don't tell me I can't have them.
28:15I have my custody order
28:16and I have a state trooper on the way.
28:17She said, you don't have a trooper on the way.
28:18I said, try me.
28:20I said, he'll be here very shortly.
28:22You can release my kids to me now
28:23or you can wait for this trooper to come
28:25and we can deal with it the hard way.
28:29I was so angry.
28:31I was trying to hold back all my tears
28:34to get through the fact that I had to go get my kids.
28:38She didn't really act like she was going to turn them over to me
28:42and I told both my kids, I said, gather your things,
28:45anything that's yours, I want you to get it
28:47and I want you to put it in the car.
28:50Then I told John that he needed to check his accounts
28:52because she was giving away his money.
28:56He did not believe me
28:57and he told me to get the out of his house.
29:00I think she had already coerced
29:02and made up her own lies and fed them to John.
29:07I feel like she manipulated him
29:09and prepared him for what I was coming out to do.
29:13And that was the last words he spoke to me.
29:17And it was the complete resolution
29:20of my relationship with my mother.
29:21It completely dissolved any relationship I had with her.
29:34He was a healthy, strong man.
29:38I got a phone call almost two weeks after his death
29:42from his daughter
29:44and she just feels like something was really wrong.
29:47This was not a normal death.
29:50My mother is just going on about the will
29:53and how she got full inheritance of all his assets.
29:58She thought that was very suspicious
30:00and then she said the medics are the ones
30:03that called the state police to come out
30:05and start a wrongful death investigation.
30:07The way he was dying resembled a poisoning
30:11versus an actual cardiac arrest
30:15because typically when you have a cardiac arrest,
30:18you're not frothing at the mouth.
30:22His daughter was concerned because they were about to release the body
30:26back to my mother who was going to have him cremated.
30:30And if he was cremated,
30:32there would be no further investigation of his remains.
30:40Okay, so when she tells you
30:43that your mom is going to get control of the body,
30:46what's the first thing that goes through your head?
30:48No, it can't happen
30:51because I knew
30:54and
30:55I'm sorry.
31:03I just knew
31:04she did something.
31:11Um, that was a long phone call.
31:14We, uh, talked for a long time.
31:17I cried a lot in that phone call.
31:21I cried a lot after that phone call.
31:24Um, I had this gut-wrench feeling
31:27that something wasn't right,
31:29but I didn't know what it was
31:30and I didn't want to jump to conclusions.
31:33I didn't know what to do because I wasn't present.
31:36Um, I wasn't a witness.
31:39I didn't see anything.
31:40Um, but I knew my mother
31:43and I knew her behavior pattern had reverted back.
31:46I knew she had this history of attempted murder.
31:49I knew, um, what she did to me.
31:54And John was a good guy.
31:59He didn't deserve this.
32:01So I called the state police,
32:04asked for the investigator.
32:06I said,
32:08if somebody in your lifetime
32:09goes missing
32:11or dies
32:13by a wrongful death,
32:15it might be a coincidence.
32:17One person.
32:17But when it's more than one,
32:20something's wrong.
32:22Somebody's meddling in something.
32:24There's something murky in the water.
32:36It was three years
32:37till my mother was arrested
32:38for first-degree murder.
32:41I felt like there was some justice happening.
32:44She may not have been caught
32:46for what she may have done to my father.
32:49She may not have been caught
32:51for what she did to me.
32:52But this time, you know,
32:55she took a life.
32:56And this time, she's caught.
32:58Police responded to a Union County home
33:00for a report of a deceased male
33:03who was identified as 77-year-old John Nichols.
33:06An autopsy was performed
33:08showing that he had fatally overdosed
33:11on verapamil,
33:12which was not prescribed to him.
33:14Police say the medication
33:15was prescribed to his wife,
33:1776-year-old Meryl Miller.
33:26A woman charged with the death
33:28of her husband back in 2021
33:30was found guilty on all charges.
33:33Miller had been involved
33:34in suspicious activities
33:36leading up to her husband's death,
33:37including forging his signatures
33:39to make herself be sole benefactor
33:41for two life insurance policies.
33:53The day that I read
33:56the autopsy report,
33:59I came home,
34:02I shut my kitchen door,
34:03and I fell.
34:05I fell to the floor,
34:06and I saw...
34:09She did overdose him
34:10on a cocktail of medications.
34:14I was crippled.
34:17It's...
34:19It's heartbreaking.
34:32The investigators had learned
34:34that my mom had about $85,000
34:37from my stepdad, John.
34:40My understanding was
34:42she had, like,
34:43three different life insurance policies.
34:45that one was he knew about.
34:48The other two she opened
34:50without his knowledge,
34:52and she had other people
34:55pretend to be John
34:57during the phone interview.
34:59She was going to gain
35:01a small fortune
35:02if she was not found out.
35:04That was her number one motivation
35:07for anything and everything she did.
35:10She had a love for money.
35:11I don't care how much money
35:13she stood to inherit.
35:14There's no price tag
35:15for his innocence
35:16and taking his life.
35:19It's not right.
35:21And I'll stand on the side of justice
35:23every single time.
35:33So that's my mom
35:35after she was arrested.
35:38It's sad.
35:42She could have
35:44made better choices.
35:46Her selfish desires
35:48landed her there.
35:50She's in an orange jumpsuit.
35:53She's raw.
35:55There's, um,
35:57no cosmetic
35:58to cover up.
36:01She can't pretend.
36:04You see
36:05the person
36:06she was.
36:09I think
36:10had she got away with this,
36:12it's possible
36:13she could have done it again.
36:15I mean
36:17she did like
36:18to give people
36:19drugs.
36:22We saw that
36:22with my father.
36:23We saw that
36:24with me.
36:26And then
36:27John.
36:40It was
36:41January
36:447th.
36:45Um,
36:46I got a phone call
36:49late that evening
36:50telling me
36:51that my mother
36:52had passed away
36:53at the ER.
36:57I was in shock.
36:59I wasn't expecting
36:59her to pass away.
37:03It had been
37:04a good
37:05eight,
37:07nine years
37:07since I had
37:08real interaction
37:10with her.
37:12And I had hoped
37:14to have a sit-down,
37:15to have
37:15that exchange
37:17of forgiveness
37:18so that
37:19I know
37:20she could die
37:21in peace,
37:22I could continue
37:23to go on
37:24and live
37:25and just
37:26know that
37:27even if it was
37:28the last conversation
37:29I ever had
37:30that I could just say
37:31I forgive you,
37:32I love you,
37:33go in peace.
37:44So there's
37:46one Bible verse
37:48that
37:49that just
37:51popped
37:52off the pages
37:52to me
37:53and
37:54my faith
37:56has brought me
37:56to my healing
37:57without my faith
38:00I wouldn't be able
38:01to stand.
38:02A bruised read
38:03he will not break
38:04a dimly burning wick
38:06he will not extinguish
38:08he will faithfully
38:09bring forth justice
38:10and that's
38:11Isaiah 42, 3.
38:14I read that
38:15I was the bruised read
38:18I was the amber
38:19that was dying out
38:20I was losing my zest
38:22I was losing my life
38:24I felt like
38:25there wasn't anything
38:27to go forward with
38:28all that was taken
38:29from me
38:31my innocence
38:32was taken from me
38:33my mom tried
38:35to destroy
38:35my family
38:37she tried
38:37to take my kids
38:40and then
38:41he says
38:42he's going to
38:42bring forth justice
38:44and in the end
38:46there was justice
38:47it may not have been
38:48for everything
38:49my mom had done
38:51but there was justice
39:02I believe in evil
39:05I believe my mom
39:06had some very evil traits
39:08I believe if she made
39:10the choice
39:11she could have been
39:12good
39:12but she made the choice
39:15not to
39:16so she chose
39:17evil over good
39:19I view my mother
39:21as
39:22the person
39:23that birthed me
39:27I'm sorry
39:28alright
39:30I'm sorry
39:31I'm getting emotional
39:32when you're here
39:33in the end
39:33please don't be
39:36you've been
39:37you're bearing your soul
39:38to us
39:39so thank you
39:40um
39:41who
39:43used me
39:45mistreated me
39:46she went through
39:48seasons where
39:49I think she
39:51tried to get better
39:52she tried
39:54to be that
39:56person
39:57that
39:58we all wanted
39:59her to be
39:59but
40:01there was
40:02something in her
40:03that drew her back
40:05to
40:05the old her
40:06um
40:07whether it was
40:09money
40:09or
40:10selfishness
40:11or
40:12her
40:13apathy
40:15I'm not sure
40:16what drove her
40:17to go backwards
40:18because in the end
40:20she lost
40:21a lot
40:23I can't
40:24change
40:25who she was
40:25I can't
40:26change
40:27what she did
40:29um
40:30so I have
40:32to accept it
40:33and know
40:35I did the best
40:37with what
40:38she gave me
40:39I'm at peace
40:40with a lot
40:41of the things
40:42that have happened
40:42I've dealt
40:43with a lot
40:44of that
40:44trauma
40:45I am happy
40:46at home
40:48I got my
40:49husband that
40:49gives me joy
40:50I got my
40:51kids that
40:52give me joy
40:53generally
40:54I am happy
40:55but
40:56there are
40:57days of
40:57grief
40:59my mind
40:59goes back
41:00to that
41:01trauma
41:01um
41:03but I don't
41:03have to stay
41:04there
41:05and I know
41:05how to bring
41:06myself out
41:06of it
41:19I've looked
41:19at this picture
41:20many times
41:20it's surreal
41:23I don't know
41:24all the people
41:25that he killed
41:26I honestly
41:27don't know
41:28and I still
41:29to this day
41:30believe that
41:31everybody that
41:31he killed
41:32he thought
41:32he was killing
41:33me
41:33I don't know
41:33if they
41:33were back
41:33I...
41:36I don't know
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