- 1 day ago
George makes himself at home at Jack's desk, and relates to Jack's secretary Ms. Gordon, how he met Jack 40 years before, in a cheap Chicago rooming house.
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00:00From Hollywood, the Jack Benny Program, with Jack's special guest, George Burns.
00:20So long, Rochester. See you soon.
00:23Now, Jack. Jack. Jack, we've got to get on with rehearsal.
00:30Jack, what are you doing? We haven't finished rehearsal yet.
00:34I'm going to play golf. I got a date with George Burns.
00:37Jack, which is more important? Your show or playing golf with George Burns?
00:42Playing golf with George Burns. That's more.
00:45We've been friends for years. And you know, there's an old saying, you can't buy friendship.
00:50Well, that ought to make you happy.
00:51That ought to make you happy.
00:54Let's see if I've got everything here.
00:58Gloves, balls, tees.
01:02Let's see out there.
01:04A scorecard.
01:07There's a pencil, an eraser.
01:11Jack, look, I still see you've got a lot of nerve leaving before we finish rehearsal.
01:15Look, I'm not going to let my pal George Burns down.
01:20Let's see. There are my woods, my iron, my putter.
01:24Oh, there's my shotgun.
01:27Shotgun?
01:28Yeah.
01:29The way I've been playing lately, you know, I run into some pretty big games.
01:34So long, Doc.
01:35See you afterwards.
01:36Hello, Jack Benny's office.
01:47Well, I'm sorry he isn't in just now.
01:49May I take a message?
01:51Oh, magazines.
01:53Well, no, he already subscribes to that one.
01:57He subscribes to that one, too.
02:00He also subscribes to that one.
02:03No, that one he sells.
02:05In fact, last month, he won a bicycle.
02:17Hello, Jack Benny's office.
02:19Oh, hello, Mr. Zanuck.
02:21Well, he isn't here just now.
02:23No, he's out playing golf.
02:25And I'm afraid he won't be back for a couple of hours.
02:29Well, I'll tell him when he comes in.
02:31Goodbye.
02:32Goodbye.
02:35Well, Mr. Benny, you're back early.
02:40You're darn right I'm back early.
02:42And this is the last time I ever play golf with George Burns.
02:46Well, I don't want to discuss it now.
02:48Were there any messages for me?
02:50Yes, Mr. Zanuck called.
02:53Daryl Zanuck?
02:55Gee, what did he want?
02:56He didn't get his magazine this month.
02:58He'll get it.
03:03He'll get it.
03:05I don't know why he's so impatient.
03:08Gee, the calendar girl this month is nothing.
03:14You certainly are in a bad mood.
03:16Well, it's that golf game of mine.
03:19Well, Mr. Benny, golf is a sport.
03:21You're supposed to go out on the course for fun, relaxation.
03:24Not when you're playing for money.
03:28I can't get over that George Burns.
03:31He makes me so mad.
03:33Well, why don't you forget about your golf game?
03:35Maybe you'd feel better if you answered your fan mail.
03:38Okay.
03:39There's a letter here from a lady from Baltimore.
03:43She says,
03:43Dear Mr. Benny,
03:45I've admired you for many years,
03:47and I would like an autographed picture of you.
03:49Please sign it, Blue Eyes.
03:52All right, Blue Eyes.
03:55Love Blue Eyes.
03:57All right.
03:58Now, Mr. Benny,
03:59if you'll just sign these contracts.
04:02What about my fan mail?
04:04This was it.
04:08Well, that certainly made me feel good.
04:10Look, hold the contracts till tomorrow,
04:13and then we'll go over them.
04:15All right.
04:17Four.
04:22George.
04:23Jay, you're still mad?
04:25I wasn't mad.
04:27And what are you doing here?
04:29You forgot your golf club.
04:35All right, all right.
04:36So I was mad.
04:37Look, don't be so upset.
04:39You've, uh, you've lost before.
04:41I don't care about losing.
04:44It's just that you're such a poor sport.
04:47Look, Miss Gordon,
04:48you know what he did?
04:49Here we are on the third green.
04:51I swear, I'm this close to the hole.
04:54This close.
04:55And he wouldn't concede the putt.
04:58Anybody would have conceded that putt.
05:00All right.
05:00So I didn't concede the putt.
05:02So what?
05:03So it cost me four more strokes.
05:05I'll tell you something right to your face, George.
05:12You, you spoiled my whole day.
05:14Look, Jack, you're no pleasure to play with either.
05:17I was plenty embarrassed when you got into that big argument with the man on the other fairway about whose ball it was.
05:23It was my ball.
05:24He said it was his ball.
05:25I said it was mine, and you had no reason to agree with him.
05:30I had to.
05:31Father Donovan is an honest man.
05:32All right, so I, so I made a mistake.
05:38I mean, but you're, you're getting so technical lately.
05:42I mean, on the fifth hole, you penalized me two strokes.
05:46You're not supposed to tee up the ball in the middle of the fairway.
05:51I didn't tee up the ball.
05:54Jack, that rubber mushroom that you carry around doesn't fool anybody.
05:59I don't know.
06:00I was never so insulted in all my life.
06:02Now, I'll tell you something, George.
06:04I'll never talk to you again as long as I live.
06:07Miss Gordon, I'll see you in the morning.
06:08If that's the way you feel, you can cancel my magazine.
06:13This has nothing to do with business.
06:21I knew that would bring him back.
06:23Oh, gosh, I've never seen him so mad.
06:26Yeah, him get over it.
06:27Oh, I guess you're right.
06:28You and Mr. Benny have been friends for so many years.
06:30We've been friends for over 40 years.
06:33Oh, I forgot he tells everybody he's 39.
06:36I met him when he was 39.
06:39Tell me, Mr. Burns, I've always been curious.
06:42How did you first meet Mr. Benny?
06:44Well, that's many years ago.
06:46I was in Chicago, and my partner, Billy Lorraine, quit the act.
06:50And things were kind of rough.
06:51And I remember I just had enough money to stop in this little boarding house
06:55that catered to theatrical people.
07:12All right, it ain't the Waldorf, but then you ain't the Prince of Wales.
07:15Well, I look more like the Prince of Wales than this looks like the Waldorf.
07:24Good for the rug.
07:26You missed it.
07:27What are you, a Weisenheimer?
07:32This is the closet.
07:34And this is the bed.
07:36You pull it down this way.
07:38What about a bath?
07:39I certainly would advise it.
07:43You ought to be a show business.
07:45You're funny.
07:50Well, do you want the room or don't you?
07:51I'll take it.
07:52How much is it?
07:53Three dollars a week in advance.
07:55In advance?
07:56Why?
07:57Because the guy who had the room last time disappeared and didn't pay his rent.
08:00Okay, okay.
08:03What's that?
08:04Well, that's the guy who lives next door.
08:06Three dollars?
08:10Two fifty.
08:14A dollar seventy-five.
08:16Okay.
08:17I'll give you a dollar seventy-five, but I want the cooking privileges like he's got.
08:21What makes you think he's got cooking privileges?
08:23Isn't he plucking a chicken?
08:26I see what you mean.
08:27Here's your money.
08:30Oh, incidentally, I have a very cute daughter, and she wants to get into show business.
08:35All landladies have daughters that want to get into show business.
08:44I was going to change it, but it dried.
08:48She really is very...
08:50You're not...
08:51She's very attractive.
08:52She's right.
09:06This ain't the Waldorf.
09:09Use a little air.
09:10You sure build clothes in the city.
09:19On a clear day, you can see the cement between the bricks.
09:25Quiet.
09:29Quiet.
09:30Quiet.
09:30Come in.
09:42Come in.
09:50Oh.
09:50Oh, are these your shoes?
09:52Yeah, thanks a lot, fella, for bringing them back.
09:55I really didn't mean to...
09:57These aren't my shoes.
10:00Well, you...
10:02You can't blame me for trying.
10:09Say, what...
10:10What happened to that other fella that used to live here that had this room before?
10:14Mr. Thromberry.
10:15That's what the landlady would like to know.
10:16She said he disappeared without paying his rent.
10:19Oh.
10:21Well, I, uh...
10:24Say!
10:26I've seen you on the...
10:27On the stage.
10:28Aren't you George Burns?
10:30I'm not the Prince of Wales.
10:32I thought so.
10:35Gosh, you've got a...
10:36You've got a nicer room than mine.
10:39It only looks that way because the towel is dry.
10:44Oh.
10:45Say, uh...
10:46I'm...
10:47I'm Jack Benny.
10:48I'm in show business, too, you know.
10:50Oh?
10:50Yes, I...
10:51I'm a musician.
10:52I guess you heard.
10:54I heard.
10:55What instrument do you play?
10:58I think everybody asks me that.
11:00Well, anyway, I'm...
11:01I'm sure glad you're gonna be a neighbor of mine.
11:04Well, I'm sorry about throwing my shoes at you.
11:07I'm a little irritable today.
11:08You see, my partner, Billy Lorraine, quit the act,
11:10and we're supposed to open tomorrow night at the Bijou Boilest Theater.
11:14And, and, and, uh...
11:15How would you like to be in burlesque?
11:19Burlesque?
11:19Yeah.
11:20Gee, if my father ever saw me do a fan dance,
11:23he'd beat the tar out of me.
11:26Now, I mean comedy.
11:27My partner quit.
11:28Maybe you can take his place.
11:29Well, I don't know anything about comedy.
11:32You see, I just play the violin.
11:34Well, stick with me and I'll teach you.
11:36Gee, would you?
11:37Of course.
11:38We'll rehearse all day tomorrow.
11:39We'll open tomorrow night.
11:40And right now, I'd like to get some sleep.
11:41Will you help me pull down the bed?
11:43Oh, sure.
11:49There we are.
11:50Mr. Thronberry.
12:01Another half hour and I would have suffocated.
12:03That lady thought you were gone.
12:05Yeah, I will be in a minute.
12:07Listen, take my advice.
12:09You two sleep together.
12:10The spring in this bed is murder.
12:12Where have you been?
12:25Did you and Mr. Benny really do an act together?
12:28Oh, yes.
12:28Early the next morning, we got to work
12:30and we rehearsed all day.
12:32And that night, we made our first appearance
12:33as a team at the Bijou Burlesque Theater.
12:36Make me lose those Yankee doodles.
12:44You can have my one of Yankee doodles.
12:53What do you have from home?
12:55Well, I got a letter from my niece, Jean.
12:57Oh, how is she?
12:58Oh, she's fine.
12:59You know, she told me now that it's spring again.
13:01See, they're putting a little circus in the backyard
13:04like we used to do when we were kids, you see.
13:07And my uncle, Otis, he was always the strong man, see.
13:12So he used to come out in a leopard skin
13:14and put some nails in his mouth
13:17and twist them around his teeth until they'd bend.
13:20That's quite a trick.
13:22Yeah, but he looked pretty ridiculous
13:24walking around with a lot of bent teeth.
13:30Well, they'd come in handy
13:32if he happened to get a crooked ear of corn.
13:33Yeah.
13:37And you know, I, um,
13:39my, you know, my aunt,
13:41Aunt Gertrude,
13:42she was a snake charmer.
13:44Gertrude?
13:44The one who's so nearsighted?
13:46Yeah, you see,
13:47she used to take a little snake
13:48and put it in a basket.
13:49Yeah.
13:50See?
13:50And then a blow on a flute
13:52until the snake's head came up.
13:55I see.
13:55And what do you think happened one Saturday?
13:58She put the flute in the basket
13:59and blew on the snake.
14:00No, no, no, George.
14:05It, it, it wasn't a real snake.
14:07It was in a few worms tied together.
14:10Oh, I see.
14:12Wait, wait, what did I do?
14:14We got the hook,
14:17but we had to stay in show business.
14:19We had a hundred cards printed,
14:21Burns and Benny,
14:22but we didn't give up.
14:23Two nights later,
14:24we did the act in Schenectady.
14:26Oh, it wasn't a real snake.
14:28It was just a few worms tied together.
14:30What was, uh,
14:34what was your part in the circus?
14:36I was a line tamer.
14:37You were a line tamer?
14:38Yeah, but I used to use our house cat.
14:41Oh?
14:41And I taught her all kinds of tricks,
14:43how to get up on a pedestal
14:45and roll over and,
14:46and, and play dead.
14:47That's a pretty smart cat.
14:49Yeah, but, but,
14:50but when it came in front of an audience,
14:52she forgot all her tricks,
14:53and all she did was have kittens.
14:55Boo!
14:55Boo!
14:55Boo!
14:56Boo!
14:56Boo!
14:57Boo!
14:57Boo!
14:58Boo!
14:58Boo!
14:59Boo!
14:59Boo!
14:59Boo!
15:00Boo!
15:01Boo!
15:02Boo!
15:03Boo!
15:04After that,
15:04we had to lay off for a few days.
15:06Jack got a rash.
15:07Who knew he was allergic to tomatoes?
15:09But I still had faith in the act.
15:15I figured they'd love us in Altoona.
15:17And he'd twist them between his teeth
15:19until they bend.
15:20That's, uh,
15:21that's quite a trick.
15:22I know,
15:22but he looked pretty ridiculous
15:24walking around
15:24with a mouth full of bent teeth.
15:26Boo!
15:27Boo!
15:27Boo!
15:27Boo!
15:28Boo!
15:28Boo!
15:29Boo!
15:29Boo!
15:30Boo!
15:31Boo!
15:32Boo!
15:33Boo!
15:33Boo!
15:34Boo!
15:34Boo!
15:35Boo!
15:35Boo!
15:36Boo!
15:36Boo!
15:37Boo!
15:37Boo!
15:38Boo!
15:38Boo!
15:39Boo!
15:39Boo!
15:40Boo!
15:40Boo!
15:41We caught an early train for our next stop, Gloversville.
15:42We caught an early train for an early train for an early train for our next stop, Gloversville.
15:54That was quite a trick.
15:55Yeah, but he looked pretty ridiculous walking around with a mouth full of...
15:59They didn't even wait for the punchline.
16:00We thought we figured out what was wrong with the act.
16:06We were much too sophisticated, but we changed that when we opened in Ronkonkoma.
16:12You say your Uncle Otis was the strong man?
16:13You say your Uncle Otis was the strong man?
16:14Yeah, he used to come out in a leopard skin and put some big nails in his mouth and twisted
16:19them in his teeth until they bent.
16:20That's quite a trick.
16:21Yeah, but he looked ridiculous walking around with a mouth full of bent teeth.
16:26You say your Uncle Otis was the strong man?
16:31Yeah, he used to come out in a leopard skin and put some big nails in his mouth and twisted
16:36them in his teeth until they bent.
16:38That's quite a trick.
16:39Yeah, but he looked ridiculous walking around with a mouth full of bent teeth.
16:56Three months later, downhearted, we arrived back in Chicago.
17:03All right, I know it ain't the Waldorf, but then again, you ain't Calvin Coolidge.
17:12Even the landlady had sense enough to change her act.
17:17Oh, incidentally, since you went away, my daughter's been studying and she's gotten real
17:23good.
17:24Maybe you could get her into show business.
17:26I'll talk to you about that later.
17:28Now, what was that rate again?
17:29Three dollars for a single.
17:31There you are.
17:32No company in the rooms.
17:34And if you're gonna have company, you gotta keep this door open.
17:36I'll keep it open.
17:37And don't forget to turn off all those lights, and I don't want any rattling on the radiators
17:40because I can't stand any door open because I've got nice people living here.
17:44Goodbye.
17:53This is the silliest thing I've ever heard.
18:01Stop complaining.
18:02We take turns, don't we?
18:03I know, but when you were in the trunk, they didn't throw it off the top of the bus.
18:11Jack, I'm too tired to argue with you.
18:14I'd like to take a little sleep before we go to the theater.
18:16Will you help me pull down the bed?
18:17Yes.
18:18And I mean, there we are.
18:19There we are.
18:20Thank heaven somebody came.
18:33Where in the world have you been?
18:36Where in the world have you been?
18:41Jack, while I'm taking a nap, you better rehearse the act.
18:51This is very important tonight.
18:53We're getting, we're getting $35.
18:55$20 for me and $15 for you.
18:57Now, wait a minute, George.
18:58There's something I want to talk to you about.
19:00I'm just as good in the act as you are now, and we're gonna split it right down the middle.
19:05Well, that's gratitude for you.
19:06I take you from nowhere.
19:08Put you into a great act, now you want to split the money.
19:10Well, that's the only way I'll go on.
19:13I've got news for you.
19:14I don't need you.
19:15Oh, yes, you do.
19:16Oh, no, I don't.
19:17I can do this act with anybody.
19:19I can even do it with the landlady's daughter and get as many laughs.
19:21Oh, yeah, that I'd like to see.
19:23All right, you will.
19:27Mrs. Landlady.
19:29The landlady's daughter.
19:32He'll be begging me to come back.
19:35When he does, I'm gonna get more than half, believe me.
19:40Where's George Burns?
19:41He's on stage there, working with a girl.
19:43With a girl, eh?
19:44There must be some act.
19:45The landlady's daughter.
19:46This I gotta see.
19:47You mean to say your uncle put nails between his teeth and twisted them until they bend?
19:52That's quite a trick.
19:53Yeah, but he looked pretty ridiculous walking around with all those bent teeth.
19:54Well, Gracie, if they'd come in handy, if he happened to get a crooked ear of corn.
19:58Gracie.
19:59That's the only thing.
20:00Well, come a little you'll live and learn.
20:01That's the only thing.
20:02And then it was my aunt Gertrude.
20:03She was the snake chalmer.
20:04Gertrude?
20:05Oh, come on.
20:06Oh, come on.
20:07Oh, come on.
20:08Oh, you'll live and learn.
20:09Oh, come on.
20:10Oh, come on.
20:11Oh, come on.
20:12Oh, come on.
20:13Oh, come on.
20:14Oh, come on.
20:15Oh, come on.
20:16Come on, maybe you happen to get a crooked ear of corn.
20:18Gracie.
20:19Gracie.
20:19Oh, what a name.
20:21Come a little, you'll live and learn.
20:22That's the only one.
20:24And then it was my aunt Gertrude.
20:26She was the snake charmer.
20:27Gertrude?
20:28I did that same joke.
20:29The one who was the nearsighted?
20:30Uh-huh.
20:30She had a little snake, and she was supposed to put it in the basket,
20:35and then blow on a flute until the snake stuck the tank.
20:38That's my joke.
20:39The same joke I did with her.
20:40And what are you supposed to happen one Saturday afternoon?
20:41And I was even dressed funny.
20:43She put the flute in the basket and blew on the snake.
20:44Wasn't that all?
20:46Well, I'll bet it upset her.
20:50Well, no, well, it wasn't a real snake.
20:52It was just a few little worms tied together.
20:57Yeah, well, that's really better.
21:00Uh, who, uh, who else was in the sideshow?
21:02Well, the big hit was my Aunt Clara and Uncle Harvey.
21:05What kind of an act did they do?
21:07A hat man.
21:08If you know of anybody who wants to take violin lessons, here's my card.
21:21And then we'll be back with the special guest, George Burns, in just a moment.
21:28First.
21:28Thank you, thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
21:39I hope you all enjoyed the show.
21:41Now, whether you believe this story or not, you, I'm sure that most of you know that George Burns and I have been friends for many, many years.
21:53As a matter of fact, he's the closest friend that I have in the whole world.
21:57But, you've probably also heard about the awful things that he does to me.
22:04He can think up some of the dirtiest tricks to do to me.
22:09I could tell you a hundred of them, but, well, I must tell you one that he did only a couple of weeks ago.
22:16You won't believe this, but it's a true story.
22:18I hadn't seen him.
22:20I hadn't seen George in about three months.
22:22He was out on tour with a show.
22:24And I missed him, you know.
22:25Well, anyway, he got back in town, hadn't called me yet, and I was walking down Sunset Boulevard, and suddenly I see him driving down in his car.
22:34And he saw me.
22:35So he pulled over the curb across the street, you see, and he waited for me to come over.
22:40Well, I couldn't wait to see him.
22:42And I dashed across the street through all the traffic and everything, and as soon as I got to his car, he rolled up the window and drove away.
22:55Now, to show you what kind of a sap I am, that's the third time he's done that to me.
23:04George, come on out here, will you?
23:10Now, George, tell me, did you enjoy being on the show?
23:13No.
23:14Why not?
23:19You got a lot of laughs.
23:20I'm not interested in laughs, Jack.
23:22I like to sing.
23:24But this is a comedy show.
23:26That doesn't interest me, Jack.
23:28I love to sing.
23:30Well, George, look, as a comedian on my show, I'm certainly willing to pay you.
23:35But if you want to sing, you get nothing.
23:50Good night, George.
23:51George, good night.
23:53Good night, George.
23:55Good night, folks.
23:56I'll be seeing you soon.
23:57One night in June.
24:03Good night.
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