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00:00We dig out our winter clothes, and the White House Press Secretary gets real.
00:0522 minutes starts now!
00:25Where are we now?
00:26Can we open a present, Mommy, please?
00:29Okay, but then we have to wait for Daddy to open the rest.
00:32Yay!
00:34Is that your college sweetheart?
00:38Yes.
00:39You broke up with her when you got that big job at the investment firm in the city.
00:43And is this your life if you had stayed, settled down, and started a family?
00:50I love Daddy.
00:51And he loves you too, kids.
00:53And so you must choose.
00:55Continue to worship money, drinking in one-night stands, or have a family.
01:02Loving...
01:02The first one.
01:04What?
01:05Yeah, I choose the first one.
01:07Easy choice.
01:07Yeah, my other life is way better than this.
01:09Like, I have two kids in this scenario?
01:11Oh, yes.
01:12What about the, uh, the old ball and change?
01:15She even into threesomes?
01:16No.
01:17Oh, yeah.
01:17I choose the other life.
01:18I want to be rich, alone, and living in a big loft apartment.
01:21That's what I want.
01:22I mean, this place is a dump.
01:24What's that awful smell?
01:26Freshly baked cookies.
01:28Jim, you're here.
01:29She can see us?
01:30Uh, well, yes.
01:32Uh, I thought this is a life you would want.
01:34Most people usually do.
01:35Where the hell have you been?
01:36Who's this guy?
01:37It's a Christmas angel.
01:39He's showing me different versions of my life.
01:42Wait, so this isn't real?
01:43Technically, no.
01:44But you do exist in the current world where Jim broke up with you.
01:48You're alone.
01:49No husband.
01:50No kids.
01:52Yeah, take me there.
01:53That one.
01:54Yep, let's go.
01:55Sorry?
01:55I want that one.
01:56Yep.
01:57Bye.
01:58Bye, guys.
01:59Rich and alone.
01:59Let's go.
02:00Come on.
02:00Rich and alone.
02:01Rich and alone.
02:01Rich and alone.
02:02They're not real.
02:03Mommy.
02:11Welcome to the show.
02:12Prime Minister Kearney went to Alberta Thursday, where he was welcomed with open arms instead
02:18of the usual middle fingers.
02:20And he showed us he has what it takes to build the nation.
02:26Oh, I didn't know it was take your prime minister to work day.
02:42Kearney was in Calgary to talk pipelines with Premier Daniel Smith and sign a memorandum
02:47of understanding.
02:48Just look at all this understanding.
02:50All right, so, um, why don't you have done this before?
02:55Doug, you can sign it and look up.
03:06You know it's bad for the country when it's making Daniel Smith this happy.
03:10It was a perfectly choreographed photo op, but we shouldn't be surprised.
03:15Kearney learned from the worst.
03:20Uh, rule of thumb, never do the Trump.
03:26If you find yourself asking, do we do the Trump, the answer is no.
03:30The memorandum puts federal support behind a new pipeline and makes Alberta exempt from
03:36environmental regulations in exchange for raising its price on carbon and committing
03:40to net zero by 2050.
03:42And thanks to deals like this, net zero, of course, refers to the Earth's population.
03:47The agreement has many critics.
03:50B.C. Premier David Eby is furious.
03:52Environmentalist Stephen Gabow left Kearney's cabinet, and coastal First Nations chiefs like
03:57Marilyn Slett say they were never consulted.
04:00The new minister of energy, Tim Hodgson, wants everyone to chill.
04:04Marilyn Slett did mention that you had reached out, but she says that the timeline that was
04:08offered, it's just impossible for them to get from where they are in the coast of B.C.
04:11to the time and place of the meeting.
04:13So, like, it's called, it's called Zoom.
04:16It's called Zoom.
04:16Well.
04:17You know, it's a, it's a wonderful, I think, I think that's what we're using, David.
04:21I understand, I understand, but I'm also not a coastal First Nation chief.
04:25Minister of energy, more like the minister of weird energy.
04:29The agreement led to Mark Carney getting a standing ovation in the Calgary Chamber of Commerce
04:33surrounded by oil execs.
04:35But it didn't go nearly as well for Smith at her party's convention on the weekend.
04:39But I, I hope people today feel a lot more confident than Canada Works than they did
04:43a couple of days ago.
04:50I never thought I'd say this, but do the Trump.
04:53Just do the Trump.
04:54Do the Trump.
04:55Do the Trump.
04:59Where are you coming from?
05:03Well, I was just with Mark, Carney, Mr. Prime Minister.
05:08And, it's official, he said yes.
05:11Oh, really?
05:12Yeah, we're going to build a pipeline together.
05:15Oh, let's see, let's see.
05:18Oh, wow.
05:20It's gorgeous.
05:21Yeah.
05:21And huge.
05:23He did good, didn't he?
05:24Watch out, B.C.
05:25Oh, it's every little girl's dream to grow up and build a big old nasty pipeline.
05:31So, details, details, what are we thinking?
05:34Well, I think we're going to be a little classic.
05:37You know, something old, him and me.
05:39Something new, my orthotics.
05:41Something borrowed, indigenous land.
05:44Some would say stolen.
05:46And what about for something blue?
05:48The ocean.
05:49Well, not for long.
05:51So, have you set a date?
05:52Well, we're really enjoying the planning stages.
05:56This is just all moving so fast.
05:58Are you sure Carney's committed?
06:00Oh, yeah.
06:00He gave me a memorandum of understanding.
06:03A memorandum of understanding?
06:04Yeah.
06:05It's a promise to make a promise.
06:08Swoon.
06:09I don't know, Danielle.
06:10Are you sure he's not playing you?
06:12No, Mark's a great guy.
06:13He loves money and he doesn't even care about the environment.
06:17Oh.
06:19Oh, wow.
06:20He just sent me a photo of his pipeline.
06:22Oh?
06:24Am I a lucky premier or what?
06:26Oh, you better lock that down.
06:28Oh, yeah.
06:29Wow.
06:32Happy Thanksgiving, America.
06:34It's me, your president, and I'm sure you're all very grateful.
06:38We have a turkey which is a tremendous beast, isn't it?
06:41But it's a disaster of an animal.
06:44The turkeys are boys and the chickens are girls.
06:47The chickens are much sexier, aren't they?
06:48Gonzo the Great knew that.
06:51Colonel Sanders did, too.
06:53They were both trusted friends, and they are not on the Epstein list, believe me.
06:57But we eat the turkey because it has the beautiful breasts, even though it's a boy.
07:02Thanksgiving is when we remember the pilgrims coming in their boat, and they were the right
07:07kind of immigrants back then, let me tell you.
07:10But if they were coming today, we'd blow them right out of the water, wouldn't we?
07:13First, we've got to pardon this little guy.
07:17It's a white-ass tradition, but last year's pardons are invalid because Biden used an auto
07:21pen.
07:22So we just killed last year's birds, and boy, were they delicious.
07:26So we're going to pardon this guy.
07:28He's a beautiful bird, isn't he, folks?
07:31Especially the neck.
07:32And that's the perfect neck for a bird or a human.
07:35A turkey neck is a compliment, quite frankly, and not at all why I am wearing scarf.
07:40And now we're going to pardon this turkey.
07:43I don't know what crime he committed.
07:44Don't ask, don't tell, but his people paid up, so he's getting a pardon.
07:48Like I say, you peck my back, and I will peck yours, quite frankly.
07:53So let's pardon this turkey, but let's do a little warm-up pardon first, just for fun.
07:58P. Diddy, Puff Daddy, and Sean Combs.
08:00We're going to pardon them because they're good guys.
08:03We love them, and it's time to pardon this turkey.
08:06He looks so exotic.
08:07He looks very exotic, which reminds me.
08:09I'm pardoning Joe Exotic.
08:11He deserves it.
08:12Gave us a lot of laughs during COVID.
08:14And Ghislaine Maxwell.
08:16We're going to pardon her.
08:17While we're at it, we're going to pardon Colonel Sanders and Donzo the Great.
08:21He's a wonderful muppet.
08:22And those chickens were lying, let me tell you.
08:24Nasty chickens.
08:25Congrats, Ghislaine.
08:26I'll see you at Christmas on Trump Island, quite frankly.
08:30And since I'm here, I pardon Steve Bannon, Roger Stone, Darth Vader, and the Zodiac Killer.
08:36We don't know who he is, but he's pardoned.
08:40Okay, I forgot to pardon the turkey.
08:42Pardon me.
08:43Would you look at that?
08:44I think I just pardoned myself.
08:45Oops.
08:47All right, pluck this guy.
08:49Let's eat.
08:49Oxford University has decided the 2025 word of the year is rage bait.
09:09And the fact that that's two words makes me really mad.
09:12In Ontario this week, Doug Ford's new housing bill was met with protests from activists in
09:19the chamber.
09:19But the premier had some helpful advice.
09:22You're putting people on the streets.
09:26From his seat, the premier yelled back for that demonstrator to get a job.
09:31Yeah, get a job.
09:33It's easy.
09:34Look at Doug.
09:35You don't even need to know what you're doing.
09:39Ford's comment grabbed international headlines, and the opposition was quick to pounce.
09:43Congratulations, premier.
09:45You are officially an international embarrassment.
09:47The New York Times took notice of the premier sneering at hard-working Ontarians.
09:52He even made the crossword.
09:54One across.
09:55Big, dumb, premier.
09:58Ford didn't back down.
09:59He says they're not even real protesters.
10:01They're professionals.
10:02We give money to agencies, and they funnel it quietly to these left-wing radical groups.
10:09Are they jobless moochers or paid protesters?
10:13Pick a lane, Doug.
10:14No, not that one.
10:15That's the bike lane.
10:16This weekend in Ottawa, politicians came together to mix and mingle with the media at the social
10:33events of the year, the Press Gallery Dinner.
10:36It's like a do-over prom for high school virgins.
10:39The night included speeches from the prime minister and party leaders.
10:44A surprising standout was interim NDP leader Don Davies.
10:48My name is Don Davies, and my pronouns are broke and irrelevant.
10:55He would have gotten a bigger laugh if the other NDP members weren't busy catering.
11:03Okay, Abba, you are leaving out the highlight.
11:06There was one other really funny guy there.
11:09Good evening, gentlemen and biological clocks.
11:13I am conservative leader and star of This Hour Has 22 Minutes, Pierre Paulievre.
11:24The conservative party invited me to soften their image, and I said three things.
11:29Absolutely not.
11:30Open bar?
11:31I'll be there.
11:33I'm late.
11:34I don't know.
11:35Is Mark Carney here?
11:36I don't know.
11:37Ah, who cares?
11:38He's doing my ideas as well.
11:40Pipelines and firing everybody is what I would do.
11:44Yeah, this proves it wasn't my policies you didn't like.
11:47It really was me.
11:49Yeah.
11:50I did so well.
11:51I felt bad for the guy who had to follow me.
12:00Long live the CBC.
12:02Long live the CBC, everybody.
12:05Long live the CBC.
12:09Long live the CBC.
12:10Now, if anyone out there is worried that I helped Pierre be more likable, don't worry.
12:32Pierre made sure that didn't happen.
12:34Well, before I take my seat and grimace my way through the rest of the evening, let me
12:43say I can't wait to be Prime Minister so that I never have to come back to this godforsaken
12:47event.
12:53Alright, babe, we gotta go.
12:54Jeff and Lisa are already at the restaurant.
12:56Oh, Ed, it's cold out.
12:57You'll need your winter coat.
12:59Oh, right there.
13:00Got it.
13:01Great.
13:02Come on, Zipper.
13:03Come on.
13:04I think you need a new coat.
13:05Josh, are you kidding me?
13:06This is a Canada Goose jacket.
13:07It was so expensive.
13:08Alright, but it doesn't fit.
13:09I paid $2,000 for this jacket.
13:10I'm going to be buried in it.
13:11Are you sure?
13:12Yeah, as long as I just suck in and I don't breathe, there's no problem.
13:13It just doesn't look comfortable.
13:14I've never been more comfortable.
13:15Okay, just push on my boobs, then I'm going to go.
13:16I'm going to go.
13:17I'm going to go.
13:18I'm going to go.
13:19I'm going to go.
13:20I'm going to go.
13:21I'm going to go.
13:22I'm going to go.
13:23I'm going to go.
13:24I'm going to go.
13:25Don't breathe.
13:26There's no problem.
13:27It just doesn't look comfortable.
13:28I've never been more comfortable.
13:30Okay, just push on my boobs now so I can get the zipper over them.
13:33Okay.
13:34Yeah, just get in there.
13:35Okay.
13:36Yeah, yeah, yeah.
13:37Go for it.
13:38Alright, zip.
13:39Zip it up.
13:40Go, zip.
13:41Just pull.
13:42Push on up.
13:43I am.
13:44There's no give.
13:45Don't push on my boobs like that.
13:46You asked me to do that.
13:48Just get a new coat.
13:49No, I'll just get a breast reduction.
13:50It's cheaper.
13:51Alright, just...
13:52Okay, just hold on.
13:53One.
13:54Two.
13:55I'm in.
13:56You can't go out like that.
13:58You can't even put your arms down.
14:00You look ridiculous.
14:01Josh, look at the puff on this thing.
14:03Still got it.
14:04See, this is the quality you pay for, right?
14:05Okay, you can't breathe.
14:06I'm going to unzip you.
14:07No, no, no.
14:08Don't unzip.
14:09I'm going to unzip you.
14:10Don't unzip me, okay?
14:11I don't look that crazy.
14:12Look.
14:13This is normal.
14:14I'm a normal lady in a normal coat.
14:15Just because you buy something expensive doesn't mean you have to wear it for the rest of your life.
14:19You're right.
14:20I'm going to unzip you.
14:21Alright.
14:22Okay.
14:23One.
14:24Two.
14:25Three.
14:26Oh my god.
14:27That's crazy.
14:28Yeah.
14:29Okay.
14:30Sorry, I did that to you girls.
14:32Ready to go?
14:33Yeah.
14:34Alright.
14:35Just got to put this puppy on.
14:37Okay.
14:38Okay.
14:39You ready?
14:40Get a new jacket.
14:41I've got this thing forever.
14:43I'm not getting a new one.
14:44This is Dan Yang.
14:45This is cool.
14:46Tom Cruise.
14:47Tom Cruise.
14:58Vince Shlomi, better known as the Sham Wow Guy, announced he's running for Congress in Texas.
15:03And if you thought politics was already a sham, wow.
15:08Donald Trump has served just over 300 days in office and no one has had to work harder than White House Press Secretary Caroline Leavitt.
15:15Let's take a look.
15:16Okay, you friggin' vultures.
15:18What dumbass questions do you have for me today?
15:21And remember, you're lucky we're even letting you ask questions.
15:25Is the president using the justice system for his own personal vendettas against the Democrats?
15:29Okay, first of all, fix your tone.
15:32Second of all, if the president hates someone, you should hate them too.
15:37That's how this works.
15:39Okay?
15:40Like, for example, the president hates you.
15:43And honestly, given all the attitude you just gave me, same.
15:48Next question.
15:49The president says he will release the Epstein files, but critics are concerned that the documents will be heavily redacted.
15:55If you were in the Epstein files, wouldn't you want them redacted too?
15:58Seriously, what kind of woke rat brain question was that?
16:01Embarrassing.
16:02Next.
16:03Will the president be apologizing for calling a reporter piggy?
16:06Would you all rather he say stuff like that behind your backs?
16:09I think we'd all rather he not say that kind of stuff at all.
16:12Oh, really?
16:13I guess you also hope that he does the things that he says he's gonna do?
16:16I mean, like, grow up, piss frames.
16:18Please don't call me that.
16:19Please don't call me that.
16:20That's what you sound like.
16:21It's embarrassing.
16:22Grow up, loser.
16:23And while you're at it, why don't you take a shower?
16:26Because everyone here says you stink.
16:28No, they don't.
16:29Yes, they do.
16:30No, they don't.
16:31Yes, they do.
16:32No, they don't.
16:33Next.
16:34Do you think saying that Democrats should be hung could incite violence?
16:36Oh, my God.
16:37It's like you can't even threaten people with death anymore.
16:40Seriously, everyone, lighten up.
16:43Could you elaborate on that?
16:45Do you want to die?
16:47Do you?
16:48I'm kidding.
16:49I'm kidding.
16:50I'm kidding.
16:51Or am I?
16:54Last cue and hurry up.
16:57After a long day of gaslighting and spinning the truth to fit your narrative, how do you
17:02live with yourself?
17:03I'm very pretty.
17:05Scientists are supposing that woolly mammoths roamed Quebec over 100,000 years ago after
17:17finding an ancient tooth covered in cigarette stains.
17:21This week, the NDP took the first step in rebuilding its party nationwide with a French-language
17:28leadership debate in Montreal.
17:30The catch?
17:31None of them speak French.
17:33Rob Ashton, quel a été votre premier emploi?
17:38My first job?
17:40I worked at a place...
17:41En français, s'il vous plaît.
17:42Oh, Jesus.
17:44Je travailleur liquidation world.
17:51Well, you might want to see if liquidation world is still hiring because you as NDP leader,
17:58it's not gonna travailleur.
18:01There's a lot of talk about the liberals and the conservatives these days, but it's important
18:07for Canadians to remember that there's another choice.
18:10The NDP.
18:11My name is Jeff, and I'm the NDP.
18:15I'm not a candidate.
18:16I'm the whole party.
18:18You want a hospital in every town?
18:19Sure.
18:20How about free university?
18:21Not a problem.
18:22You want to make gas illegal?
18:24Okay.
18:25It's not gonna happen anyway, so it's all a yes from Jeff.
18:29I'm always high, and I don't have a chance of ever forming government.
18:34So it's business as usual for the NDP.
18:38Join us, won't you?
18:40I'm kidding.
18:41I know you won't.
18:43The NDP.
18:44The not dead party.
18:45Sure.
18:46Sort of.
18:47This week, a study showed cats greet male owners with more vocalization than with female owners,
18:53but really, they wouldn't have to if men just heard them the first time.
18:58Yeah.
18:59Open up your ears.
19:00It was reported that Donald Trump fought with the architect of his White House ballroom because
19:05it wasn't big enough.
19:06Because when you're his age, you just need a little more ballroom.
19:10New studies show butt breathing could help people who can't get oxygen the regular way.
19:17So it turns out I have been giving CPR correctly.
19:24A Campbell's executive has been fired for saying its products contain 3D printed chicken and
19:31are for poor people.
19:32So let's hope he's stocked up.
19:34And now the company is doing damage control.
19:41Here at Campbell's Soup, we've always loved the poors, the impoverished, even the sloven.
19:48It was when old man Campbell chucked soup cans out a carriage window at peons that he thought
19:50to himself, I should charge for this privilege.
19:52And we never looked back.
20:07Someone the other day said your split pea soup is food.
20:11I mean, I wouldn't eat this crap with a stranger's mouth, but I guess some people would.
20:17You want to go into the general service?
20:20you might have also heard our chickens are 3d printed that couldn't be further from the truth
20:26our chickens are lovingly cut from a quivering pink slab of hen matter we call the beast which
20:33is ethical because the beast can't feel pain poors love our soups don't believe me ask one of our
20:41taste testers can i have my dollop now you'll run for it
20:47ah ah campbell's soup legally it's not gruel get it find it
20:57enjoy it
21:01that's the way we saw the world this week we'll be back december 31st at 8 p.m for the 22 minutes
21:08new year's eve pregame special until then happy holidays happy holidays
21:17you
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