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00:00Ferocious fights, stingy castles, daring knights
00:02Horrors that defy description, cutthroat cults or bull egyptians
00:05Vicious vikings, cruel crimes, punishment from ancient times
00:07Roman rotten, rank and rootless, cavemen, savage, piers and tubeless
00:10Groovy Greeks, brainy sages, mean and misly middle ages
00:13Gory stories, we do that, and your host are talking rats
00:18The past is no longer a mystery, welcome to...
00:22Horrible Histories
00:26Horrible Histories presents...
00:29The Yiddish Pharaohs
00:31Welcome to ancient Egypt
00:34I am Pharaoh Rattases II, son of Verminhotep and Queen Nefesquiki
00:40I am your guide through the age of the Pharaohs
00:43The kings and queens who ruled for 3,000 years
00:48They built the pyramids, the Great Sphinx
00:51And secret tombs of Pharaohs like Tutankhamun
00:55That are so well hidden, they won't be found for thousands of years
01:00Ow!
01:01That one!
01:03There's some amazing stuff in this tomb
01:07Including an actual Pharaoh
01:09Mind you, he's not dressed as fancy as me
01:12You see, when Pharaohs die, they get a bit of a makeover
01:16Ooh!
01:17Hello!
01:18We have a very special royal surprise for someone today
01:25Yeah, we have got a makeover to die for
01:28Let's go and give them the good news
01:30Wow!
01:31Seti the first, recently deceased Egyptian Pharaoh
01:34We're going to be dressing you for Do It!
01:36The Egyptian Afterlife!
01:38Surprise!
01:39Yay!
01:40Bless!
01:41I think someone is a bit overwhelmed
01:43And also dead
01:45Let's get on and do this
01:47So, Seti, you simply can't go on the mystical afterlife journey to the field of reeds or whatever
02:04Looking like that
02:05Or smelling like this
02:07You smell like my nan, Seti
02:09What are we calling it? Hippopotamus?
02:11Let's get to work
02:13You might want to lie down for this bit
02:18Let's get organ cleansing
02:23So, what we thought we'd do is start out with some basic brain mushing with this big nasty hook
02:29Vicious
02:30Then we're going to pull all that mush out through your nose
02:33Does that sound ok to you sweetheart?
02:35His silence speaks volumes
02:37Then we're going to remove your lungs, your intestines, your stomach, your liver
02:42And put them in these tiny little jars so you can use them in the afterlife
02:46These little jars are just too cute
02:48But don't worry, we're not going to be leaving you feeling all empty
02:51We're going to be stuffing you to the brim with bits of grass, straw, mud, rags
02:56And my personal favourite, sawdust
02:58He is good to go!
03:03Yassking!
03:04Total babe
03:05But I think it's time that we sort out those threads
03:07Yeah, now clothes wise
03:09I was thinking we'd just cover you in bandages with magic spells written on
03:13Love that detail
03:14And to finish off, a trez-chic death mask
03:17What do you think Seti?
03:18Ice thinks it's great
03:20I thought he was alive again or something
03:22Do we think he's ready?
03:24So ready, he's daddy
03:26Let's give this pharaoh some sargophasass
03:30Come on, we practice that
03:32Alright
03:33Before we met Seti the first, his look was dead boring
03:41But look at him now, talk about a yummy mummy
03:46Work it, work it, strike a pose
03:49And no one can hold a pose like Seti
03:51You are not the only one that has died and gone to heaven
03:54Well that's it for today's special royal makeover
03:58Seti's ready for the afterlife
04:00And we're ready for the after-party
04:02Party
04:03Sorry
04:04Style it out
04:06I'm Cleopatra, one of the most famous ancient Egyptian pharaohs
04:11I ruled at the same time as Julius Caesar and Mark Antony
04:15What's up Mark Antony fans?
04:17Go away, this isn't about you
04:19It's about me
04:21One of the last ever pharaohs
04:23And it's about the more than 150 other pharaohs who came before me
04:28Including Tutankhamun, Ramesses II
04:32And way back at the very start, the first pharaoh called Nama
04:37Nama is said to have united the separate parts of Egypt into one kingdom
04:42He eventually died an old man, but it wasn't old age that killed him
04:47Well the pallet is finished pharaoh
04:51It is a carved record of the mighty deeds of your 62 year reign
04:56Oh lovely, gimme, gimme, gimme
04:58He's fine
05:04He's fine
05:05Oh, my back
05:06Come on
05:07Happy Pop
05:08Your majesty, perhaps the weight is beyond one who has lived so long
05:12Nonsense
05:13Nonsense
05:14A trifle
05:15After all, does not my name Nama mean the mighty catface?
05:21Hot
05:27Are you good?
05:28Yes
05:29Yes
05:30The pictures tell the story of how you united the kingdoms of the lower and upper Nile
05:35Did I?
05:36Yes, you did
05:37Oh, that's good of me
05:38Combining their two crowns
05:40Oh
05:41To make one pharaoh of all Egypt
05:43Oh
05:44Oh
05:45Oh
05:46Oh
05:47Oh
05:48Oh no, I've gone again
05:49He's okay
05:50Oh
05:51Oh
05:52It is a good crown
05:53But heavy in weight
05:55And in responsibility
05:59Dee
06:00You truly are the wisest of all
06:02Oh, a hippo
06:05Oh, I love hippos
06:06Uh
06:08Pharaoh, should you really be playing with hippos at your age?
06:12Don't catch me, Mr. Hippo
06:14Oh
06:15Oh, that's got to hurt
06:17Poor Pharaoh Nama
06:19So wise in all things except hippos
06:23Oh
06:24Nice, nice, Mr. Hippo
06:26Good boy
06:29As pharaohs were so powerful that if we wanted we could make our people build whole new cities
06:36Giant lighthouses or vast pyramids
06:39Watch this
06:40Oi
06:41You
06:42Build me a pyramid
06:43Build yourself a pyramid, stinking
06:45Charming
06:48So I guess it was all the pharaohs apart from me who did the amazing stuff
06:53Tutankhamun's dad, who was a pharaoh called Amenhotep IV, even changed the number of gods that people believed in
07:00I wonder what the big announcement's going to be
07:05I am hoping that pharaoh Amenhotep IV is going to announce a new religious holiday
07:11Oh, I love religious holidays
07:13People and priests of Egypt, your pharaoh Akhenaten wishes to speak with you
07:18Well, that's great, Queen Nefertiti, but the pharaoh's called Amenhotep
07:22That is what he wishes to speak to you about
07:26I've changed my name from Amenhotep
07:28Right
07:29Okay
07:30To Akhenaten
07:31Oh, that's a bit of a letdown, so
07:34I'm hoping for a holiday
07:36I know you were
07:37I know you were
07:38Your pharaoh has taken the name of the one true god, Aten
07:41I think you are mistaken, we have loads of gods
07:44Absolutely loads
07:45Not anymore
07:47From this day forth, my kingdom will reject all of the old gods, like Ammon
07:53Oh
07:54And worship just one god
07:56Aten
07:57God of the sun
07:58Uh-huh
07:59And worship of all the other gods is now banned
08:01Well, how do the other gods feel about that?
08:03Look, it's perfectly simple
08:05Simple
08:06We do not worship Ammon
08:09No, no, no
08:11We do not worship Ammon
08:16Ammon is an old god
08:17He's an old god
08:18We no longer like them
08:19We now worship the disc in the sky
08:22Pray to the disc in the sky
08:24His name is Aten and he is your new friend
08:28Sunshine
08:29You leading this country or am I?
08:31I'm sorry my pharaoh, go on
08:34There's too many gods these days
08:37We really need them
08:39Aten's often all the same
08:41Can't see and fill them
08:43Who needs loads when one's okay?
08:46Come on everyone, let's hear you say
08:49We do not worship Ammon
08:51No, no, no
08:53We do not worship Ammon
08:57Don't need no priest, he'll only talk to me
09:01Aten
09:02He's such a great god
09:03I write him poetry
09:05Aten
09:07He's reshined down upon our family
09:10Aten
09:11We do not worship Ammon
09:14No, no, no
09:16Not a word about Ammon
09:19Any reference to Ammon must go go
09:25Aten's all you need to know
09:28Sorry, erm, what does this mean for holidays?
09:34Hey guys, it's your boy Irenachty here to tell you all about my job, aka the best job in the world
09:41Hashtag
09:42I love Mondays
09:44So I work with the pharaoh
09:47That's right, I get up close and personal with literal living gods
09:53Look, one of them even signed my arm
09:55How cool is that?
09:56Autographic, baby!
09:58What's the best bit about a pharaoh?
10:00Their crown
10:01Their gold
10:02Their dangerously unlimited power
10:04Nooo
10:05It's their royal bums, of course
10:07And that's my job
10:08I am the royal bottom doctor who gives enemas to pharaohs
10:13And I write
10:14Hashtag Life Girls
10:17What even is an enema?
10:18You know how generally with butts it's all bad stuff like poo coming out?
10:23Well, enemas are when you put good stuff like medicine in!
10:27You put medicine up his butt
10:31My full title is Shepherd of the Butt
10:34That's roughly how it translates into English
10:37It's a tough job, but someone's gotta do it
10:39Now, let's look at the instruments us ancient Egyptian butt doctors use
10:45A tube made of bone, perfect for inserting into the royal rump
10:49As is this one, made of reed
10:51And this one, made of metal
10:55Now, attached to one end of the tube is a bag made of silk
10:58Or if you're feeling really fancy, ox bladder
11:01Soz oxes, I love you, but I need your bladder for my bottom pipes
11:05And then I fill the bag with a special blend of herbs and spices
11:09Secret blend
11:11Which I will not reveal
11:13Mixed together with the finest ingredients
11:15Milk, beer, honey, and wine
11:18Mm-hmm, it's good enough to eat
11:21But don't eat it
11:22Put it in the Pharaoh's palm
11:25What are enemas even for?
11:27I hear you cry
11:28Well, what aren't they for?
11:29Feeling diseased?
11:30Get an enema
11:31Losing your hair?
11:32Get an enema
11:33Going grey?
11:34Get an enema
11:35Feeling like your spirit's all icky?
11:36Get an enema
11:37Getting bored of enemas?
11:38You better get an enema
11:40You know, some people call me a hero
11:42And I'm like, guys, I'm no hero
11:44I'm just a humble shepherd
11:46A shepherd of the butt
11:48Uh...
11:49Mr Shepherd
11:50My next appointment
11:51What are we thinking?
11:52I'll be honest, it's a metal tube kind of a day
11:55I'll clear my schedule
11:59Best job in the world
12:01Wow!
12:03There's a long list of bad jobs in history
12:06But Hurtsman of the Butt is at the bottom
12:08Literally!
12:09Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
12:11Obviously, being Pharaoh is one of the best jobs
12:14But it could be dangerous
12:16As sometimes, Pharaohs would have to lead their armies into battles
12:19Like the Battle of Kadesh
12:21Which was fought between the Egyptians of Ramesses II
12:24And the Hittites of King Hattushali III
12:27And it's one of the most famous battles of all time
12:30Neither side could win by fighting
12:32So they tried to make peace
12:34But that wasn't smooth sailing either
12:40Sorting out the beefs of the past
12:42I don't care if it is a breathtaking monument
12:44You cannot build a sphinx without planning permission
12:47With the justice of today
12:49And honestly, half lion, half man
12:51Just pick one and stick to it next time
12:55Welcome to Time Beefs with Judge Rinder
13:00Ramesses II, third pharaoh of the 19th dynasty of Egypt
13:04Is in court to face the king of the Hittites, Hattushali III
13:08Over who triumphed at the Battle of Kadesh
13:10Okay, we all get it
13:12You're the heads of warring kingdoms
13:14You both fought the same land
13:15You're about to fight a battle over it
13:17Am I right?
13:18You're way off, Rinder
13:20We actually just signed a peace treaty
13:22On these massive silver tablets
13:24Yeah, it's the earliest example of a written peace treaty, isn't it?
13:27We've even given each other presents
13:28And I'm also marrying his daughter
13:31What's happening, babes?
13:32I just don't buy it
13:34If you're so nicey-nicey to each other
13:36What on earth are you doing in my courtroom?
13:38Well, we've had a slight disagreement on my stunning victory at the Battle of Kadesh
13:43Where my armies completely destroyed that of his brothers
13:45What?
13:46My brother totally trashed your Egyptian forces
13:48As is
13:49Admit, you lost
13:50No, I didn't
13:51Admit it
13:52Admit it
13:53Admit it
13:54That's it
13:55I'm banning tablets from the courtroom
13:57Ramesses, just give me your version of events
13:59Right, there I was
14:00All alone
14:01The Hittites
14:02I slaughtered them all at will
14:04What?
14:05What the hell?
14:06He's making it up
14:07You'll get your turn
14:08And their arms went limp
14:10So they couldn't shoot
14:11I made them plunge into the water like crocodiles
14:13You had way more casualties than us
14:15Well, if I'm lying
14:17Then why is my version of events written all over the Egyptian temples in Loxo?
14:21Why is that then? Why is that?
14:22Because you put it there on the tablets
14:24You even sent me a copy, innit?
14:26Oh, I wish I never said that my daughter could marry him
14:29She'd be better off with a hippo
14:30Hey, what?
14:31This is Battle of Kadesh part 2, you know
14:33Come on then
14:34Okay
14:36Order
14:37Goodness me
14:38This is the two of you at peace
14:39I'd hate to see the two of you at war
14:41You've signed a peace treaty
14:42Now honour it, Hattushali
14:44Fine
14:45I promise to protect his nation, innit?
14:47Ramesses?
14:48Yeah, yeah, I guess I promise to protect his nation too
14:50Well, thank you
14:51Even though mine is better than I want to battle the Kadesh
14:53Woo
14:54Right there
14:55Order, order
14:56Bailiff, all of this nonsense has given me a headache
14:58Please could you go find me a tablet
15:00What are you going to?
15:01Take it out
15:02That sort of tablet
15:03Although, that would look rather good in my bath
15:05For a drum man
15:06I'll be like a drum
15:07I'll be like a drum
15:08I'll be like a drum man
15:09There you go
15:10Bonjour
15:11I am Napoleon Bonaparte
15:13And in 1798
15:14I took 40,000 magnificent French soldiers to capture Egypt
15:18There we saw ancient wonders like the pyramids, the sphinx and the tombs of the Thales
15:23It was a land awash with history and treasure
15:26So, what present did my wife receive when I got back from the trip?
15:31Was it A, a jeweled scarab beetle necklace?
15:34B, a gold statue of Roderxes II?
15:37Or C, a mummified head?
15:40Talk about a gift that money can't buy, am I right?
15:41Look how much fun this is
15:42I'm not going back in the sarcophagus
15:43You have to go back into the sarcophagus
15:44You can't make me, I'm going to kill my mummy
15:45Don't be silly, you are mummy
15:46Ah, I should have got her flower else, should I?
16:09Fearful of an uprising
16:11Pharaoh Aprize has sent his special envoy, Petarbomus, to order the rebel leader Amasis to surrender immediately.
16:20Amasis, you go too far.
16:24How dare you lead this revolution against the true Egyptian Pharaoh Aprize?
16:29He will crush you and your army like the insects that you are.
16:34Unless I can convince you to lay down your weapons and surrender,
16:37then perhaps he may be merciful.
16:42I have but one message for your Pharaoh.
16:48What?
16:50Take that back to your Pharaoh.
16:52Sorry, take what back to my Pharaoh?
16:54You want me to repeat myself? No problem.
16:58You dare to pass wind in front of the representative of the Pharaoh?
17:03Yeah.
17:04Stop that.
17:05No.
17:06Stop it.
17:06Stop.
17:08Stop.
17:10Stop.
17:11Stop.
17:12Please, if I do not return with you, the Pharaoh...
17:14The Pharaoh will cut off my ears and cut off my nose for my failure.
17:21I mean, that's probably for the best, given how bad this one smells.
17:23That does it.
17:28You have made a powerful enemy today who will rain vengeance down on you like...
17:33Oh, no, that one just reached me.
17:36Oh, that is vile.
17:38Oh, you're an animal.
17:40Oh, you need to see someone.
17:41Oh, you need to see someone.
17:42Come.
17:43We must move quickly.
17:44I need to change my pants.
17:46So, Mark Antony, tell me about this girl you're here to meet.
17:56Yeah, she's pretty fit.
17:57She's actually ruler of Egypt, but nothing can happen between us.
18:00She's Julius Caesar's ex, and you know the saying, rose before Pharaoh's.
18:04But she's beautiful, intelligent, funny, and...
18:07Oh, man, has she got a sweet ride.
18:12Wow.
18:15Oh, that is one massive barge.
18:18Oh, no, how do you stop this thing?
18:21And it's quite difficult to park.
18:24Hey there, Mark Antony.
18:26Sorry I had to turn up in this tatty old boat.
18:29Tatty?
18:30Your Majesty had us up all night working on it to impress the Romans.
18:33It's okay, I've got another one.
18:37Your Majesty.
18:39Why don't you come aboard my little boat?
18:43I'm okay.
18:44Are those oars silver?
18:49Maybe.
18:50This barge smells amazing.
18:52I mean, it'll make the whole dock smell good.
18:54Which is handy, because at the moment it smells of...
18:58Yes, well, I'm so glad you like your barge.
19:01Not that I brought it here to impress you or anything.
19:03But this deck is painted in gold.
19:06Ooh, shiny.
19:07So why did the big, important Roman general want to see little old me, hmm?
19:14Well, I was wondering if you'd be interested in some sort of alliance.
19:18Oh, you want me to use me riches to make us a power couple so we can take over the entire world?
19:23What?
19:24Well, yeah, something like that.
19:26Why don't you and me go for a sail in me golden barge and talk about this some more?
19:31Forward!
19:34Good times.
19:35Where are we going?
19:35We?
19:36Good times.
19:38It's okay. I've got another one.
19:42Help! A fish stole my flute.
19:48Nothing lasts forever. Not even pharaohs.
19:50Cleopatra was one of the last.
19:53And she famously had children with Roman emperor Julius Caesar and Roman general Mark Antony.
19:59After she and her children died, the title of pharaoh was then actually also held by the Roman emperor.
20:05You'd think that'd be a cushy little number. But for Maximinus d'Arza, the last ever Roman emperor pharaoh, that wasn't quite the case.
20:19It was covered in bread by the end of the day. It was like bread in there. It was like a mad maid of bread.
20:25Drink, please.
20:27You okay down there?
20:28Yeah, yeah. All good.
20:30What brings you to Tarsus?
20:32I'd really rather not say.
20:34Right. Well, it's only being friendly.
20:36It's just I really want to stay out of sight just in case people are looking for me because, uh...
20:41In truth, I'm the emperor of Rome, Maximinus d'Arza.
20:47What would the emperor of Rome be doing here in Tarsus?
20:51If he's the emperor of Rome...
20:52Shh! Keep your voice down! I'm the pharaoh of Egypt!
20:55Oh, hello, pharaoh!
20:56Well, actually, you can't be the pharaoh of Egypt because I am also that as well.
21:00Oh, of course he's the pharaoh as well!
21:02Keep it down!
21:05Funny guy!
21:07Funny guy, look, it's very, very simple, okay?
21:09I am both the emperor of Rome and the pharaoh of Egypt, so...
21:13I mean, you don't dress very Egyptian for a pharaoh.
21:16That's because I'm in hiding.
21:19Anyway, pharaoh hasn't actually come from Egypt for about 600 years.
21:22Oh, of course, silly horse!
21:24Look, if you must know, the Persians took the title after they conquered Egypt, then the Greeks conquered the Persians, then after Cleopatra, they went to the Romans.
21:32Right, and that's how you got it, because you're the emperor of Rome!
21:36Stop calling me the emperor of Rome!
21:38Even though I am!
21:39You just don't want us to say that, because you don't want everyone knowing you've been telling borky boys!
21:45No, it's because I was deposed by my fellow emperor, Licinius Maximinus, and now his people are hunting for me!
21:51Listen, babes, if you want to go round the place telling people you're a pharaoh slash emperor, you carry on!
21:56I don't judge!
21:57So neither of you believe me? We're great!
21:59Great!
22:00Oh, no, I'm sorry, babe!
22:02Hail, Caesar!
22:03What did I say to you? What did I say?
22:05Sorry. Hello, Caesar. We need to go, sire. Ah, mister. Um, buddy?
22:12Don't touch me.
22:13Yeah. We shouldn't stay too long in one place.
22:16Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll move on, we'll move on.
22:19Go, go, go!
22:20Centurion as well, so believe people when they say things, yeah?
22:24Aren't you as the emperor?
22:29Oh, yeah. I mean, I can spot a pharaoh a mile off.
22:32Because I'm the king of Jermynia.
22:34Shut up.
22:35Can I have a free drink?
22:36No.
22:38And that's the end of the pharaohs.
22:40All we're really left with are the monuments they built and the treasures we found in their tombs.
22:45Things that were left with their mummified remains that the ancient Egyptians believed would help
22:50get them into the afterlife.
22:52Here are three of the greatest to tell us all about it.
23:07We all know we're headed to the valley of death.
23:10We want eternal life after our last breath.
23:13Cause I've been a pharaoh, got an imam in my head.
23:16But when we die, we need help from the book of the dead.
23:19It's a magic scroll of hymns to the sun god Ray.
23:22To help us through the afterlife, there's many things we must say.
23:25Like I've never uttered lies, never been an e-strapper.
23:28I have never raised my voice, lived my life so proper.
23:32Every text is different, written for each soul.
23:34But you know, in the end, we only got one goal.
23:37These rules will remind us once we cease to be, and help us live in peace for all eternity.
23:43Uh.
23:44Been waiting all our lives to get into pharaoh's paradise.
23:50These words will be our guides to living in our pharaoh's paradise.
24:01Spells are written on two walls inside our mummy wrappings.
24:04Even in gold mass and other pharaoh trappings.
24:07Cause getting into paradise, you know it ain't D.C.
24:10Your heart is weighed against the feather, hope it ain't breezy.
24:13Then we all board a ferry, crossed a lily lake.
24:16To the field of reeds, the ferryman will take us.
24:19Then we'll meet our friends and our beloved pets.
24:22In the field of reeds, we'll have eternal rest, yeah.
24:25Yeah, death ain't nothing but a new form of living.
24:28So glad we got the book of the dead and the advice is given.
24:31I'm 18 now, but will I ever see 20?
24:34Though you better hurry with my book.
24:36Don't be slow, mmm.
24:38Been waiting all our lives to get into pharaoh's paradise.
24:44These words will be our guides to living in a pharaoh's paradise.
24:50Been spending most our lives avoiding dangerous crocodiles.
24:56Preparing all our lives for living in a pharaoh's paradise.
25:04O.M.P. for pharaoh.
25:06Ice fix, it's great.
25:09You smell like my nansetti.
25:11What we calling this?
25:15The past is no longer a mystery.
25:18Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories.
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