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00:00Letting us be ourselves
00:02So don't mind me if I repeat myself
00:04These simple lines be good for your health
00:06If you keep them crime rhymes on the shelf
00:08Live love life like you just don't care
00:10But I believe it's never scared
00:12Rain and noise is the moment they fear
00:16Get up, it's still a beautiful idea
00:18Get up, throw your hands in the air
00:20Get up, and show you
00:22Get up, get up, get up, get up
00:26Get up, get up, get up
00:28Take off your prosthetic leg, replace it with a rocket
00:34And tell everyone it's your mistletoe
00:36It's Friday, we're live, and it's time for the last leg
00:40Tonight on the show, the Ukraine peace deal
00:42Keeps repeating on it
00:44We digest another weird week of politics
00:46And we'll serve up a taster
00:48For stand-up to cancer
00:50Plus we'll be joined by comedians
00:52Amy Gledhill and Guz Khan
00:54On the show that tries its best
00:56To stomach the news
00:58Who am I going to wink at?
01:00Who am I going to wink at?
01:02Who am I going to wink at?
01:04Who am I going to wink at?
01:06What?
01:08G'day, I'm Adam Hills
01:10Welcome to the last leg
01:12The show that heard Netflix has bought Warner Brothers
01:14And now can't wait for Voldemort's edgy stand-up special
01:16With me as always is the pride of Dartmoor
01:18Josh Whittacombe
01:20And the man who was described by an AI app last week
01:22As having a unique limb situation
01:24Alex Brooker
01:26Thank you
01:32We will cover that in a second
01:34As well as today's bizarre World Cup draw
01:36But Josh, it has been a sad time in your house this week
01:40It's been a sad time
01:42We've lost, well not lost, our hamster
01:44I don't need to, our hamsters died
01:46I know
01:48We've all been, you told me that last week
01:50And I thought, oh, I feel really sad for the small ginger squeaky thing
01:54Where is he going?
01:56What's this joke going to be?
01:58I don't know where, you're talking about the hamster surely aren't you?
02:01No, because his hamster died
02:04Amazing
02:06I'll tell you what, Hillsy, on that
02:08I really bonded with the hamster
02:10Because, you know, you think about
02:12No, you think about it
02:13And it's something about his little pink hands
02:15And his, um
02:20His furry little face
02:21And the way he always shits in the same corner of the room
02:27It's all a bit of fun
02:28But anyway, a hamster died
02:30But the problem was, the ground
02:33You go and bury him in the garden
02:35Yeah
02:36But the ground, because it's been
02:38It's winter
02:39I'm aware
02:40Yeah
02:41It's frozen, so we couldn't dig a hole
02:43Yeah
02:44So we had to put him in our freezer
02:47Someone had the weirdest reaction to that I've ever heard
02:50So there's a hamster in your freezer?
02:52We've had a hamster in our freezer
02:53What, like, lying in state?
02:55Lying in state?
02:56Lying on stakes?
02:57Lying on stakes?
03:00Well, we've got, like, David Beckham queuing up to pay his respects
03:05Yeah, so we had a hamster in our freezer, right
03:08Um, he was dead, just to be clear
03:10Because obviously if we'd got it wrong
03:12Imagine if we'd just frozen him
03:13And then in like a thousand years he'd come back to life
03:16And then he'd have gone
03:17I don't understand what's changed because I'm a hamster
03:19Yeah, exactly, yeah
03:20But so we then had to buy a spade off Amazon
03:23You bought a spade?
03:25I bought a spade off Amazon
03:26Well, did your bank call you and say there's been some unusual activity on your bank?
03:32It's an odd thing to buy on Amazon
03:35Why?
03:36I don't know, it's just like, what's your, like, your, you may also like cable ties, gaffer tape
03:41Start falling
03:45How are the kids taking it?
03:47So my son, my daughter was a bit upset
03:49Yeah
03:50But my son, who's four, that's kind of, this is what they say about pets, isn't it?
03:54It teaches them about death
03:56And he started to get sad, I think he realised we were going to die for the first time
04:01So that was quite sad
04:02Well, yeah, because he's going to need a bigger freezer
04:07He'd fit in one of them family chest lights
04:10Well, we are live on your telly right now
04:12You can ask us any questions about the news
04:14Messages on Instagram, the hashtags, is it okay?
04:16WhatsApp, the number is 07956175908
04:20Or you can scan the QR code on your screen
04:22For example, is it okay that last week on the show
04:24We asked an AI app to describe Alex and this is what it said
04:28What do you make of his hands?
04:31Yeah, so I do notice that he's got a prosthetic arm
04:36Or kind of a unique limb situation going on there
04:39A unique limb situation?
04:45A what situation?
04:47A unique limb situation
04:49I'll tell you what
04:51Thank you AI, you are one of the nicest people on earth
04:54Wow
04:55I mean I've never wanted to start a band
04:58But unique limb situation
05:03It's actually a lie
05:04I did want to start a band a few years ago
05:06And I just never managed to get Atomic Mitten off the ground
05:12I love that even AI is worried about being cancelled
05:16So politically correct
05:18So tonight we're very proud to say at the end of the show
05:20We are going to bring you the world exclusive debut
05:23Of Alex's new band
05:25Unique Limb Situation
05:27Or as we like to call them ULS
05:30We've been talking about during the week what the album would be called
05:33I'm really pushing for the notorious PIP
05:37I think the best of album will just be called the incomplete ULS
05:41Never mind the bollocks look at his arms
05:50Of your...
05:51One for the Phil Collins fans
05:53Short jacket required
05:55Lovely
05:56Lovely
05:57I find it funny, I don't get that
06:00Well because of your arms
06:02Yeah no it's a Phil Collins
06:04By the way we asked AI to design a few band posters
06:07Depending on which genre Alex decided to go with
06:09It came up with an emo version
06:13Now that guy looks like he keeps hamsters in his freezer
06:20Yeah that's a band called He Really Needs The Cure
06:24Or Cripnot, I can't decide
06:26And then it came up with the country version
06:28Why do I look like Crocodile Dundee?
06:34That's not a thumb
06:38Alright the big story this week is that there's still no peace in Ukraine
06:41Mainly because Russia wants an extra peace of Ukraine
06:44Now look we haven't talked much about this during the series
06:46So let's cover the basics
06:48A few weeks ago the US hammered out a peace deal between Russia and Ukraine
06:51With the help of Russia but not Ukraine
06:54It basically gave Russia everything they wanted
06:56Including land they've taken during the war
06:59And some land they haven't even captured yet
07:01The only thing not offered to Putin
07:03Was a back rub from Volodymyr Zelensky
07:05The deal was then taken to Ukraine
07:07Who said and pardon my Australian
07:09You fucking what?
07:11Ukraine then suggested a few changes to the deal
07:13Which was taken back to Putin
07:14Who this week said no I want the original deal
07:16And I will take that back rub
07:18Lads?
07:20I just...
07:22He's so snide isn't he?
07:23Vladimir Putin
07:24This is what I've come...
07:25This is...
07:26This is my geopolitical analysis of him
07:27Yeah
07:28I just think...
07:29He's just...
07:30I'm fucking bored of him
07:32It's just always a lot...
07:33Ever since we started he's always moaning
07:35He's always shithousing
07:37He's always threatening
07:38And I just think at this stage of him now
07:40He's basically...
07:41He's just like a Twitter troll with nuclear weapons
07:43Yeah
07:44Pretty much
07:45I love that Alex is bored of him
07:47And that's the most...
07:48But you know what I mean
07:49He's like...
07:50No, no, no, no
07:51The most threatening man on the world
07:52Is he though?
07:53No
07:54Cause he like...
07:55You know he's just sort of geezer
07:56You know if you like...
07:57If you go on a stag do?
07:58Yeah
07:59And it's like everything's planned
08:00But there's one who goes
08:01I don't want to go...
08:02I don't want to go to the brewery
08:03Yeah
08:04And it's like what do you want to do Vlad?
08:05Paintball in again?
08:06Just so you can wear the fucking camouflage
08:08He won't...
08:09He just...
08:10He won't be able to accept a deal
08:11He will never accept...
08:12Have you seen his celebrity edition of Deal or No Deal?
08:14He won't even take the call
08:17I saw him in boots
08:18And he got three items
08:20Carrot stick, sandwich and the drink
08:22And he...
08:23Happy to play for them all separately
08:25The truth is Vladimir Putin has no reason to back down
08:28Because Donald Trump has said that if a deal isn't done
08:30He'll just walk away from it all
08:32Which is an incentive for Putin to not do a deal
08:35Because then the only people sticking up for Ukraine would be Europe
08:37And Putin is not scared of Europe
08:39All right, put it this way
08:41Imagine if you saw Conor McGregor kicking the shit out of Josh on the street
08:44What?
08:45Whilst trying to steal his wallet
08:46Right?
08:47And Josh is there going
08:48Oh, no, you're not having my wallet
08:49Sorry, what's going on?
08:52By the way, Conor McGregor hasn't even got you in a chokehold in that impression
08:56No
08:57He's like, no, don't take my wallet
08:58So you take Conor McGregor aside
09:00You don't need to...
09:01I don't...
09:02I wouldn't keep talking
09:03No
09:04I don't
09:05I lost my hamster
09:06Don't you fucking start?
09:09So you take Conor McGregor aside and you say
09:11All right, what would it take for you to stop kicking the shit out of Josh?
09:13And he says, well, give me his wallet
09:15Oh, you're not doing his accent, I see
09:17Irish, come on mate, have some balls
09:21It's not the Irish, it's just I reckon I can take you
09:24I agree
09:28So then Josh compromises and Josh says, okay, he can have the cash but I need my library card
09:35So you go back to Conor McGregor who says, no, I want the wallet, the library card and now I want his inhaler as well
09:41Now imagine if you then said, well, if you guys can't sort this out, I'm walking away
09:45Conor McGregor is just going to keep kicking the shit out of Josh until he gets what he wants
09:49Meanwhile, Europe are live streaming the whole thing on Tik Tok with the hashtag I stand with Josh
09:54It's a lovely analogy
09:55Thank you
09:56And it's good that you've made it something that everyone understands that might happen
09:59I
10:00Two problems
10:01Number one
10:02While you're talking to Conor McGregor
10:04Yep
10:05I'm running the fuck off
10:07Okay, yeah
10:08But number two, I don't have a wallet because it's 2025 and no one has wallets anymore
10:12I have a wallet
10:13What?
10:14I have a wallet
10:15Do you?
10:16Who has a wallet?
10:17Some
10:18Oh my god
10:19Most people don't have wallets
10:20Most people don't have wallets anymore
10:21It's called a phone mate
10:22It does everything
10:23In the same way I don't carry around a compass
10:25You, what's your wallet? What you got?
10:30I've got a
10:31I've got a
10:32There you go
10:33Is that weird?
10:35No
10:36It's thick for 2025
10:38What's even in there?
10:39Why is it so thick?
10:40What is it made of? Have you killed a crocodile?
10:42Oh no, it's actually made of an upcycled British firehose
10:46Well, so there's like a fireman somewhere going there's a fucking hole in this
10:50What is it?
10:52What is it?
10:53I'd describe it as downcycled because one was saving lives and now one's your wallet
10:57That is
10:58The most Australian thing ever is to have to have a wallet that can withstand fire
11:04I've got Australian credit cards, I've got British credit cards, I've got
11:13Adam, are you in financial trouble?
11:15He spent all his money on the wallet
11:17I've got tickets to when I took my daughter to Disneyland, is that weird?
11:22No, that's nice
11:23I've got a photo of my other daughter
11:25Oh, that's nice
11:26See, I'd have absolutely put big money on you having a photo of Harold Bishop
11:31Do you know where I've got a photo of my daughter?
11:34On my phone like every other phone
11:37So back to Ukraine
11:39How do you stop Vladimir Putin?
11:41Trump can't do it, Zelensky can't do it, Europe can't do it
11:44Someone needs to take him down from the inside
11:47And we think we know just the man
11:50In a world on the brink of war
11:53Only one man can save the planet
11:57Your mission should you choose to accept it
11:59Is to infiltrate the Kremlin
12:01And sabotage Vladimir Putin from the inside
12:05Oh, go on then
12:07I'll do it
12:09When you need the ultimate undercover spy
12:12Alan Carr goes deep
12:14You can trust me
12:17The ultimate traitor
12:19Alan Carr is
12:21Double O-H
12:23Oh
12:25Coming soon to Vladimir Putin
12:27That's right, I'm taking down the biggest dog there is
12:31It won't surprise you to know
12:42Tickets for Alan's new tour are on sale now
12:44Alright, let's welcome tonight's guest
12:46He's in a Christmas show called Stuffed
12:48She's got a stand-up show that's stuffed with jokes
12:50Please welcome Guz Khan and Amy Gledhill
12:52Welcome to you both, did you just curtsy to the...
13:11I did, I don't know what happened there
13:13I loved it, I loved it
13:15I think it's the tree and everything
13:16I just feel very curtsy-y
13:19Look, on what we just talked about Ukraine
13:21How do you think Putin and Zelensky should sort it out? Guz?
13:25I reckon, look, it's a very complicated situation
13:27Yeah
13:28Very sensitive situation
13:29Yeah
13:30I reckon they should just swing it out
13:31So I think we should just set up like a misfit style celebrity boxing match
13:36Putin can absolutely bang up Zelensky or vice versa
13:39Yeah
13:40People might say that's quite a flippant response
13:42But I think perpetual war is worse
13:44Yeah, yeah, yeah
13:46I'd watch it on Netflix or YouTube
13:49I reckon we'll make a load of money
13:50I'll be the agent
13:51I'll be the guy who goes in between
13:53And makes some money as well
13:54But yeah, I'd like to see on 5th
13:56I think it's a good idea
13:57I love you've made this a money-making exercise for you
14:00Yes
14:01And would Zelensky be topless?
14:04I mean, if they pay extra, if you pay extra
14:07I think Putin would be topless whether you paid or not
14:11And on a horse at all times
14:13Yeah
14:14I would solve it
14:15I think at this point the only thing to do is shared custody
14:20Of Ukraine?
14:21I think it's shared custody of the borders
14:23Right
14:24So I think Ukraine can have the border weekdays
14:26Yeah
14:27Russia weekends
14:28Yeah
14:29And then on a bank holiday
14:31They go to their aunts in Slovakia
14:35And they watch a Bond film and eat crisps
14:38Alright, we're going to go back to the news
14:40Because some weird stuff happened today
14:41That a load of you messaged about
14:43It was Donald Trump
14:44While Donald Trump's peace pan for Ukraine hit the skids
14:46Oh yeah
14:47How relaxed am I, by the way?
14:48While Donald Trump's peace pan hit the skids
14:50He was in his element as the draw for next year's World Cup took place
14:53There were performances from Robbie Williams and the village people
14:56Once again prompting the world to ask
14:57What is it with Donald Trump and the village people?
15:00I love that they're going to have the YMCA for all the gay footballers
15:04Well they did sing YMCA
15:07And this is a clip of Trump dancing enthusiastically to it
15:10Looking as always like he's pretending to wank off two giants
15:14You got to know this
15:18The one thing only
15:20Doesn't open up
15:22It's great isn't it?
15:26That's a sick guy
15:28And then I love one of them
15:30He just went whoop and up
15:32Melania's smiling but you know in her head she's thinking what a prick
15:38So earlier in the ceremony
15:40And this is the thing that everyone's talking about today
15:42Was awarded the first ever FIFA Peace Prize
15:45And it was presented to him by Gianni Infantino
15:48There it is
15:49Look at that award
15:50Even Trump's trophy has wandering hands
15:52The inaugural bellendor
15:58Lovely
15:59That is...
16:00That's good humour
16:03In a complete coincidence by the way
16:05In July this year FIFA opened an office
16:08In Trump Tower in New York City
16:11Which means Infantino basically gave a trophy to his landlord
16:15And if you're wondering how the award has gone down among the British public
16:17Check out the likes versus dislikes on this illuminating post on the BBC
16:24You have to say who the fuck are those 266 absolute losers
16:29Did you see all the stuff today?
16:31What did you think?
16:32It was incredible to watch
16:33Obviously like the village people coming out at the end
16:35Yeah
16:36It was absolutely batshit because they're dancing
16:38But everyone's turned their backs on them already going out
16:40But there was...
16:41I think the Americans they need to kind of get...
16:43They need to kind of get the terminology right
16:46Yeah
16:47Because Ike Casillas who won the World Cup with Spain
16:49A goalkeeper was interviewed by a reporter
16:52And Rio Ferdinand used to play for England is on stage
16:54And he asks...
16:55He asks Ike Casillas if Rio Ferdinand has ever scored on him
16:59Which sounds like something very different
17:01Yeah I scored on his face I scored
17:04Earlier in the week Trump seemed to fall asleep in a meeting
17:09In which Marco Rubio was bigging him up
17:11Here's the shocking footage
17:13But the opportunity to do that under these new trade deals
17:17Is unprecedented
17:18Of crypto in the retirement investments
17:21And we're seeing more and more of that
17:23Where we also rescinded the supplemental statement
17:26That discouraged the fiduciaries
17:28All these things Mr. President
17:29I think you deserve tremendous credit
17:30For the transformational aspect of our foreign policy
17:33For the first time in probably four decades
17:36I mean, can you blame me? What's going on?
17:41No, you can't blame me
17:42Look, there's a lot that you can get on his case for
17:45Yeah
17:46Like his politics
17:47Apparently he's got a very tiny willies
17:49The size of a jelly top
17:50That's what I read online
17:51Yep
17:52There's a lot but falling asleep
17:54At 160 years old
17:58Is there anybody in the audience today who's like over the age of 80?
18:01Anybody?
18:02They're asleep
18:03They're asleep!
18:04Leave him alone man, I'm comfortable sleeping man
18:08I think it's the most normal thing he's ever done
18:10Yeah?
18:11That he's had a nap
18:12What's not normal?
18:13The reason he was tired
18:15Did you see that he did 150 posts the night before?
18:18Yes
18:19So he's using social media like a teenage girl
18:22Which is I think why Epstein's so fond of him
18:25You're exactly right
18:35Have you ever had anyone fall asleep in front of you?
18:37Like when you're on stage maybe?
18:38Yeah, I have
18:39Have you?
18:40That's so rude
18:41Somebody do that?
18:42Yeah and I think it was worse for me
18:44Because it was my first ever Edinburgh show
18:46Yeah
18:47And the guy that fell asleep
18:48Was the only guy in the audience
18:50He was the only audience member
18:52Oh no!
18:53What?
18:54It was called Norman
18:55It was raining, he came in to have a little read
18:57And he fell asleep
18:58I still did the whole show
19:00And I respect him
19:01Shout out to Norman
19:02You've got big up Norman man
19:03Big up Norman
19:04He's asleep
19:05Now this time last year we gave out our inaugural hands awards
19:11To people we deemed to be our heroes of the year
19:13I don't know if you remember we used to give out the dick of the year
19:15But to be honest we started to feel like there were too many dicks in the world
19:18To narrow it down to just one
19:19And this year has kind of become a dick apocalypse
19:22So tonight we're kicking off the search for this year's hands award winners
19:25Named in honour of our Paralympic mascot, this guy
19:28Now that's a handsy trophy
19:30We want you to nominate worthy winners for the 2025 hands awards
19:34It could be someone internationally famous, someone locally known
19:37Maybe even just your personal hero
19:39I'm going to go around the houses
19:41Yep
19:42Who are you nominating?
19:43I want to nominate five people
19:44Yep
19:45Five
19:46Um
19:47For me the best musical reunion of the year
19:50Wow
19:51Okay, Josh
19:52So mine's musical as well
19:53Yeah
19:54But this week I did my Spotify wrap
19:56Where it gives you your stats of the year
19:58Yeah
19:59And I found out that I am in the 0.7%
20:03Highest on earth fans of Sabrina Carpenter
20:08Wow
20:09Yes
20:10And I'd love to say that it's my daughter
20:12But she has her own Spotify
20:13But I went to see her earlier in the year with my daughter
20:16We had the best time
20:17And then she slagged off Donald Trump this week
20:19She's a legend
20:20Her music's brilliant
20:21Plus I love the idea that our production team have now got a week
20:25To try and give one of those to the most famous person on earth
20:28LAUGHTER
20:29Also, we have to dress them up in the outfit of the person
20:32And it's going to be a very racy hands-off
20:34LAUGHTER
20:35Um, Guz?
20:37Um, there's a lot of people
20:39Yep
20:40But I reckon Zora Mamdani
20:42I feel bad for politicians who I know are about to get caned racially
20:46Because of the religious beliefs that they follow
20:48Um, and we communicated online as well
20:50Did you?
20:51Yeah, yeah, yeah
20:52The mayor of New York communicated with you online?
20:53That's correct
20:54He's a big fan of man like Mo Bean
20:55He says he likes my comedy
20:56No way
20:57He's aired me since he's become the mayor
20:59So I don't know how I feel about him anymore
21:01We'll see how the next six months brings us
21:02Yep
21:03Yeah, him for sure
21:04He's got too big for you
21:05Yeah
21:06Already
21:07He only just won as well, wanker
21:08LAUGHTER
21:10LAUGHTER
21:12Uh, Amy?
21:13Um, so it was going to be a woman who was at the edge of scientific discovery
21:18Yeah
21:19And space, Katy Perry
21:20Yeah
21:21But
21:22LAUGHTER
21:23But I had, um, a hospital appointment today
21:26Just routine, if my parents are watching
21:28And, um, I said I'd give the doctor a shout-out
21:31Because he was so grey
21:32And, crucially, very hot
21:34LAUGHTER
21:35If you're listening, I'm shooting my shots
21:38LAUGHTER
21:39What was his name?
21:40He's so hot
21:41Wow
21:42What was his name?
21:43Can I be allowed to say?
21:44Yeah, see
21:45Oh, you might not be
21:46Say the hospital her name
21:47He knows who it is
21:48He said he's going to be watching
21:49Hello
21:50LAUGHTER
21:51I think doctor-patient confidentiality works the other way, right?
21:55LAUGHTER
21:56I don't think he had a dog for it
21:59LAUGHTER
22:00I'm going to nominate Celia Imry
22:02Oh
22:03For this excruciating demonstration of how to own your own embarrassment on the traders
22:08Welcome to the worst team-building away day experience in history
22:14LAUGHTER
22:15What just happened?
22:20I just filed it, Claudia
22:21LAUGHTER
22:24LAUGHTER
22:25A hundred percent
22:26A hundred percent
22:28APPLAUSE
22:29All right, nominate whoever you think deserves to win a Hans Award on WhatsApp or Instagram
22:35Use the hashtag showofhans and make sure you spell it Hans H-A-N-S
22:40We'll hand out as many as we can next week in our second ever Show of Hands
22:44MUSIC PLAYS
22:57I can be your hands, baby
23:00I can hands away the pain
23:06I will hands by you forever
23:13You can take my hands away
23:19LAUGHTER
23:20We'll have more last week for you after the break as your party launches your party
23:24And we launch Stand Up To Cancer
23:26We'll see you in a little bit
23:27APPLAUSE
23:28I can be your hands, baby
23:32I can hands away the pain
23:37Oh, yeah
23:39LAUGHTER
23:41I will hands by you forever
23:45You can take my hands away
23:52APPLAUSE
24:09Welcome back to The Last Leg
24:11We're joined by Amy Gledhill and Guz Khan
24:13Now, in UK politics this week, the party formed by Jeremy Corbyn and Zahra Sultana
24:18as a fresh alternative to Labour, chose a name
24:21They had been unofficially known as your party, but a vote this week
24:24They officially decided to be called your party
24:28It led to this absurd headline
24:30Your party members vote for your party to be called your party
24:33Oh, no
24:35It's incredible, isn't it?
24:37It's like the opening episode of Apprentice
24:39Sounds like the political equivalent of a your mum joke
24:42Guz, you were a big Corbyn fan, so what do you make of all this?
24:46Yeah, I love Uncle JC
24:47You know the thing is, and I really like Zahra as well
24:50She's great, she's up in Coventry with us
24:52But it's like, when they first announced it
24:54I was like, yeah, this is going to be like The Hangover, bro
24:56Great movie, fun, unforgettable
24:59But now it feels like it's The Hangover 2
25:02And the party's going to get like 35% on Rotten Tomatoes
25:05Do you know what I mean?
25:06Yeah, right
25:07What happened in The Hangover 2?
25:08Nobody really knows
25:09No one knows
25:10I mean, it's a bit tricky
25:11They spent the whole time deciding whether to call it The Hangover 2
25:13Didn't they?
25:14Your hangover?
25:15Your hangover
25:17I was really excited too
25:20But it sort of feels like now
25:22You know when there's one roast potato left?
25:26Yeah
25:27At the Christmas dinner
25:28And everybody wants it
25:30But no one's happy about it
25:32Right
25:33Do you know what I mean?
25:34Like everyone wants
25:35This could be so good
25:36Yeah
25:37But it seems quite sad
25:39It is quite sad
25:41Yeah
25:42The conference took a vote
25:43On whether there should be a single leader
25:44Or a collective leadership group
25:46And the group vote won the day
25:4852% to 48
25:50Oh, Jeremy Corbyn going
25:52Not again
25:53Which means your party will now be run
25:56By a 16 member central executive committee
25:59Because you know what they say
26:00Not enough cooks spoil the broth
26:02No one wants the country run by 16 people
26:05I don't want to be in a WhatsApp group with 16 people
26:07The thing is though
26:08I actually think it's quite clever
26:09Yeah
26:10Because I think
26:11They're going to join together like Power Rangers
26:14And make mega Corbyn
26:20In other political news
26:21Reform leader Nigel Farage
26:22Spent the last few weeks denying claims
26:24He made racist comments when he was at school
26:27Actually I'm not sure denying is really the right word
26:29He did whatever it is he's doing in this incriminating clip
26:33The question is
26:34Did you ever racially abuse fellow pupils in school?
26:37No
26:38You've caveated it with a hurtful way
26:39Not with intent
26:40What do you mean not with intent?
26:41What do you mean not with intent?
26:42I don't understand what you mean by not with intent
26:43What does that mean?
26:44You wouldn't do
26:45But what does that mean?
26:46No
26:47No what?
26:48No
26:49No
26:50No
26:54No
26:55No
26:56No
26:57No
26:58No
26:59No
27:00Baraj is now refusing to talk to the BBC until they apologised for their comedy in the 70s.
27:06And he had this rattled retort to a journalist from ITV.
27:11I've spoken to another people from...
27:14Good for you. Let's move on to the Times, shall we?
27:17He says he can remember you...
27:19Very good.
27:20...making pissing noises...
27:22Very good.
27:23Harry, you are wasting your time.
27:25Bernard Manning.
27:27Bernard Manning.
27:28Bernard Manning.
27:29Do you want to hear some of the Bernard Manning jokes on ITV?
27:31Why is he talking about that bloke who does the turkey?
27:37The thing is, when he said his name three times,
27:40Bernard Manning appeared at the back of the...
27:41I don't know, Gus, what do you make of the far right?
27:47You know, there's reform and then there's further.
27:50Like, what do you make of all that area of politics?
27:51No, yeah, I'm a big fan. I think they're quite misunderstood.
27:56Oh, you've had a run-in, though, with...
27:57Yeah, I do like to go back and forth with them, yeah,
27:59just because I feel like, unfortunately,
28:01a lot of it seems to be centred around a working class.
28:03I started off as a working class live from the West Midlands.
28:05I never want to lose touch with the people that I've grew up around
28:07or my neighbours.
28:08So I like to go to the big wigs in the movement.
28:11Yeah.
28:11Tommy Robinson, Stephen Yaxley-Lennon.
28:13We go back a lot.
28:15We had a recent interaction where I asked him a question
28:17and he said,
28:18it doesn't matter what you think,
28:20because your mum and dad are cousins.
28:21And I said...
28:22Hang on, was this on social media?
28:23Yeah, social media, yeah.
28:23Yeah, yeah, OK.
28:24If it was in, KFC would have banged him.
28:25But, like...
28:26LAUGHTER
28:27LAUGHTER
28:28LAUGHTER
28:29This is...
28:31This is...
28:32And I had to remind him that not all Asian people's parents
28:37are cousins of mine, aren't they?
28:38They're from different countries.
28:39And I said,
28:40but it's kind of ironic that you're worried about the genetics
28:43of parents and the kind of children they produce
28:45when his mum and dad produced a son no bigger than a Lego minifigure.
28:49Do you know what I mean?
28:50Yeah.
28:50Polly Pocket from Luton's taking a piss, bro.
28:53Worry about yourself.
28:53Don't worry about me.
28:54LAUGHTER
28:55And did he get...
28:56Did he respond?
28:57He did.
28:58He actually found it quite funny.
28:59Your social media's mad.
29:01Yeah, yeah.
29:02It's more than true on it, more than Trump.
29:05So, are you now mates with Tommy Robinson?
29:07Don't be saying all that shit.
29:08I didn't say that.
29:10I didn't say that.
29:11But it's interesting, like, all of that super right-wing hatred,
29:15wherever you find it, it's grifty.
29:17Yeah, yeah.
29:17People don't really believe in the things that they say.
29:20It's all to galvanise an emotion and a feeling,
29:22but really when it comes down to in the inbox,
29:24it's all quite polite.
29:25Very underwhelming.
29:26Now, we need to move on, because Stand Up To Cancer
29:28is back this year with a week-long campaign
29:30that kicked off today.
29:30There's a brand-new Stand Up To Cancer screening checker
29:33where you can find out if you're eligible
29:35for a cervical, breast or bowel screening,
29:38or, as they're calling it, your bits, tits and shits.
29:40You can find the details at screeningchecker.co.uk.
29:44Meanwhile, the city of Leicester is preparing
29:46for the Stand Up To Cancer Tribute Mile.
29:48So it's going to be a lantern display
29:49made by people from all around the UK
29:51with each lantern dedicated to a loved one lost to cancer.
29:55You can create your own dedication
29:56at TributeMile.co.uk.
29:59I'm going to be launching the Tribute Mile
30:00with Mel Schilling at High Cross Leicester
30:01on Tuesday from midday.
30:03Then Friday next week, 7.30,
30:05I'm going to be co-hosting the Stand Up To Cancer broadcast
30:07alongside Davina McCall, Claire Balding,
30:10Vicky Patterson, Hannah Fry,
30:11Babatunde Aleshe,
30:12and a whole bunch of special guests.
30:14Hopefully I'll make it back here for the last leg,
30:17but there is a chance Josh and Alex
30:18might have to host the show on their own.
30:19Oh, no.
30:22That would be a real shame.
30:24Keeping everything cross for you.
30:30Greg Davies and Alex Horne will also be involved,
30:33and they've been trying to come up with ways
30:35to bring attention to Stand Up To Cancer.
30:37We are very excited now to show you a sneak peek
30:40at how they've been getting on.
30:45Three words, six foot vulva.
30:49What's going on?
30:53The campaign needs a mascot.
30:55Children in need has Pudsey,
30:56Red Nose Day has Lenny Henry.
30:58This vulva is a combination of both.
31:01It's cute and funny,
31:03plus it reminds people
31:04to get their bits checked for cancer.
31:07That's because this time,
31:08Stand Up To Cancer is trying to raise awareness
31:10of cancer screening.
31:12Claire, this is not some perverted episode
31:14of The Masked Singer.
31:15I can't have someone dressed as a six foot fanny.
31:17You can go away, come up with some better ideas.
31:20Pussy.
31:21I heard that balding!
31:23OK, today, Greg,
31:26we're hoping to find that special sauce
31:28that makes a good Stand Up To Cancer campaign great.
31:32OK, and these comprise of the appeal films...
31:34..the sloppy bits to make people cry and hand over their money.
31:37OK, and also the Celebrity Challenge.
31:39Some celebs have flown first class
31:40so they can do a trek and rebrand themselves.
31:43I suppose so, yes.
31:44And also a song.
31:46Ah, manipulative cry bait.
31:48OK, fine, who's doing that?
31:50Hmm.
31:51Oh, God.
31:52So Nish has composed a song
31:55to try to get more members of the South Asian community
31:58to consider bowel screening.
32:00Yep.
32:01Right, then.
32:02Don't be shy, don't be chumps
32:04Not enough Asians are sharing their dumps
32:06Collect your turd and send your poo
32:08The scientists want your number two
32:11Everybody poop, scoop, seal and send
32:13Just me, do it
32:14You, Bella
32:15Get out.
32:19Tell him!
32:20Get out.
32:20Shut it!
32:20Get out!
32:21Get out!
32:22Can do.
32:26Greg?
32:27Yes?
32:28I've got an idea for a challenge.
32:30For who?
32:31For me.
32:32You're not a celebrity.
32:34You look like a child
32:34drew a face on a Victorian clothes peg.
32:37No-one wants to see you do anything.
32:45Hi, Greg, it's Claudia.
32:47Ah, Winkleman.
32:48Sorry to bother you, but
32:49Claire Balding's been on the phone.
32:51Yep.
32:51She's really upset about her vulva.
32:54Mmm.
32:55Hello?
32:56Greg, how's it going?
32:58Honestly?
32:59Yeah.
32:59So far, I've had Balding's vulva
33:00and I've had Nishka Mars' shit song.
33:03It's proving harder than I thought.
33:04Do you know what?
33:05Never failed me.
33:06Fall back on public humiliation.
33:08What?
33:08I've got naked,
33:09I've had my bum waxed
33:10and I bungee jumped.
33:12I'm thinking,
33:13you produce a stool sample
33:14live on television
33:15and show people
33:16the correct way to collect it.
33:19Are you shy?
33:20I thought you were a big, brave boy.
33:21I am a big, brave boy.
33:23He is a big, brave boy.
33:25Awesome.
33:26I'll tell him you're in.
33:29He said yes!
33:30I am not doing plip-plops
33:33on national television.
33:34We need more ideas
33:35and we need them now.
33:37I can't take any more.
33:38Shit!
33:42Are you mad?
33:43Claire, I said no to your vulva.
33:45I'm not going to sign off
33:46on a giant turd, am I?
33:48My God, I thought you were
33:49supposed to be clever.
33:50I thought you were like
33:50a sporty Stephen Fry.
33:52Greg, this mascot
33:53will get people talking
33:54about screening their shit.
33:56Their shit.
33:58Their shit?
33:58No, Claire.
33:59Your ideas, they're shit.
34:02We need funny, clever, edgy ideas.
34:04Go back to the drawing board.
34:07Wanker.
34:08I heard you again, Balding!
34:11Well, well, well.
34:13My old diving partner.
34:14Hi, Gregles.
34:15It's Greg.
34:16Or sir.
34:17What have you got for me?
34:18I am knitting something
34:20quite special for you.
34:22It's not a vulva, is it?
34:24How did you know?
34:25Was it that obvious?
34:27Hi, Greg.
34:28Dermot Murna.
34:30Another candidate for the song, are you?
34:32It's spoken word composition.
34:34Is it indeed?
34:37Good evening.
34:39Our top story tonight.
34:42Cancer.
34:43Yeah, it's good, Dermot.
34:44I just...
34:45It's bad for everyone.
34:48Could I, um...
34:49Get out, Dermot?
34:55Honestly.
34:56What a vibe, girl.
34:57Have we not got anyone fun?
34:59You need to be more intimidating.
35:00Right.
35:01Intimidated to cancer.
35:02And we do that how?
35:06Listen up, you slimy piece of shit!
35:08You think you can crawl in wrecked lives
35:10and just get away with it?
35:11Well, not on my fucking watch, dickhead.
35:13You've picked the wrong enemy.
35:14I'm going to crawl inside you
35:16and destroy you cell by cell.
35:18You hear me, you cancerous bastard!
35:19Well...
35:24He was a little aggressive.
35:28He was lovely.
35:29Hmm.
35:30I do think my challenge idea is good.
35:33Alex, the people upstairs have already said no.
35:36But the people upstairs are an accountancy firm.
35:38Yes, they are.
35:39And they think you are a...
35:40Tit.
35:43All tit?
35:44How the fuck did you get an OBE?
35:46It's a CBE, actually.
35:47But, Greg, once again,
35:49this mascot is designed to get people talking
35:51about breast screening.
35:52Claire, I can't have a mega-boob in the studio.
35:56People are perverts.
35:57They won't be able to stop themselves.
35:58Hey, dirty boy!
35:59See?
36:00Do you have any better ideas?
36:02Well...
36:02Well, considering that you don't have anything else at all,
36:08could I please have my shit, my tit and my vulva?
36:12Fine!
36:13You are a twat.
36:16Balting is mean!
36:18I know.
36:19I was just thinking, Greg,
36:21considering the situation.
36:23What about my challenge?
36:24Oh, God!
36:25Will it be humiliating for you?
36:27Oh, yeah.
36:28OK, fine.
36:29Get on with it.
36:30It's balting's problem.
36:31Come on.
36:32Yes!
36:40You can see the rest of their story next week
36:43from 7.30 on Channel 4.
36:44And Alex Horne is going to give us a hint
36:46as to what his challenge might be after the break.
36:48We also want your votes for this year's Hands Awards.
36:51Message us on WhatsApp or Instagram.
36:53The hashtag is showofhands.
36:54We'll see you in a little bit.
36:57APPLAUSE
36:58Welcome back to Last Legs.
37:11We're joined by Amy Gledhill and Guz Khan.
37:13Now, before the break,
37:14we showed you some footage of Greg Davies and Alex Horne
37:17trying to come up with some ideas for the Stand Up To Cancer campaign.
37:20All week, Alex Horne is going to be releasing teasers
37:22for what his on-air challenge will be.
37:24Here's the first one that he made just for us.
37:26Hello, everyone.
37:30Hello, Adam.
37:31Hello, Alex.
37:32Hi, Josh.
37:34Normally, I set the challenges.
37:35Tasks, even.
37:36But now it's my turn.
37:38On Thursday night at 10pm,
37:39Channel 4, 11th of December,
37:41I am going to do a task.
37:44It will not be easy.
37:45It will be hard.
37:47But I'm ready.
37:49I'm little Alex Horne.
37:50I have no idea what that means.
37:56No idea what that means.
37:57She's in on Thursday night
37:58to find out what his challenge is going to be.
38:00Let's do a bit of entertainment news now.
38:02Meghan Markle has released a Christmas special
38:03of her Netflix show.
38:05Here is a riveting scene of her carefully explaining
38:07what an advent calendar is,
38:09as if she's just discovered them for the first time.
38:12I love the idea of an advent calendar.
38:14So I wanted to do it for my own kids.
38:16You could get small ones
38:17that just have a small chocolate each day
38:19and get them pre-made.
38:21And all it's really about
38:22is having a surprise and delight
38:23every single day
38:25for 24 days
38:26until you get to Christmas.
38:28But they're not supposed to be big things.
38:29They're supposed to be small gestures.
38:31Carols and bells,
38:33incredible smell.
38:34I'm writing,
38:35I love you because you are so kind.
38:37I love you because you're so brave.
38:40Yeah.
38:41There's another note that says,
38:42stay away from Uncle Andrew.
38:49How is she too edgy for the royal family?
38:59How are the royal family going?
39:01What are they thinking?
39:02I mean, hanging out with a pedophile is one thing,
39:04but wrapping cinnamon sticks in a bow
39:06is just too damn disruptive.
39:07I was wondering why Prince Harry's just done,
39:12you know, Colbert in America.
39:13He's been doing a late night TV show.
39:15Yeah, and I was like,
39:15why is he doing that?
39:16And now I've seen that,
39:17it's to get out of the house.
39:20And he's a big...
39:21But like, if I was a kid
39:23and I got like a note
39:24in my advent calendar that says,
39:25I love you,
39:26without a chocolate,
39:27I would think they don't love me.
39:29Yes!
39:29You can't write your kind.
39:32I'll tell you who's not fucking kind,
39:33the person who didn't give me a chocolate.
39:35Wouldn't you run out of things to say as well?
39:38Like, after all,
39:38you'd just be like,
39:39happy Wednesday.
39:41LAUGHTER
39:42I'm a big fan of both of them.
39:45I won't hear a word again.
39:46I genuinely love Harry and Meghan.
39:48Do you?
39:49They left the shit fight
39:50that is the royal family
39:51and we think they're the weirdos.
39:53No, no,
39:54we think they're all weird.
39:55Both sides.
39:57It's possible for both of them to be wankers.
39:59LAUGHTER
40:00LAUGHTER
40:00Oh!
40:03Look at Britain!
40:05LAUGHTER
40:05Look at Britain.
40:08And that is how revolution begins.
40:10LAUGHTER
40:11All right, it's time to bring on
40:13this week's mystery guest.
40:14Amy and Guz have to work out
40:16why they're in the news this week.
40:17Can we have the mystery guest, please?
40:19Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh!
40:21Thank you, guys!
40:23Mysterious guest.
40:24I wanna get close to you
40:26So close to you
40:29OK, this is Lauren and Joe.
40:34But why were they in the news this week?
40:36Can we have
40:37the dramatic lighting change, please?
40:41So, Lauren surprised Joe
40:43by walking down the aisle
40:45dressed as a T-Rex.
40:47Lauren surprised Joe
40:48by jumping out of his birthday cake
40:50giving him a heart attack.
40:51Or, Lauren surprised mourners
40:54by turning up at a funeral
40:56dressed as a deceased
40:57Joe's gran.
40:59Ooh!
41:00What are your initial thoughts?
41:03Wow.
41:04I don't think it could be the heart attack
41:06because you look so good and healthy right now.
41:08Mm-hmm.
41:09Yes, thank you so much.
41:10I don't think it's a clue, Joe!
41:11LAUGHTER
41:12Well, it's definitely not that one.
41:14It's not that one.
41:14It's not that one.
41:15So, it would be T-Rex.
41:16Also, if he'd had a heart attack,
41:18I wouldn't have shouted at him like that.
41:19LAUGHTER
41:20Thank goodness.
41:22So, T-Rex down the aisle
41:23or dressing as his dead gran at the funeral?
41:29Why was I just asking him?
41:30Did she dress as your dead gran?
41:31You can't ask them, Gus!
41:32OK, I tell you what,
41:33we'll reveal the mystery guests after the break.
41:35OK.
41:36OK, no more questions to them.
41:38OK.
41:38Alex will end the show by singing with his new band,
41:41Unique Limb Situation.
41:42Oh, it's like that.
41:43Don't go away.
41:44Don't miss that.
41:45We'll see you in a little bit.
41:46APPLAUSE
41:47Welcome back to Last Legs.
42:03We're joined by Amy Gledhill and Gus Khan.
42:04Now, before the break, we challenged our guests
42:06to work out how this person's wife was connected to the news.
42:10Can we have the options again, please?
42:13Yes.
42:14Did she walk down the aisle dressed as a T-Rex on her wedding day?
42:18Did she jump out of his birthday cake, giving him a heart attack?
42:21Or did she come to his gran's funeral dressed as his gran?
42:26What do you think?
42:28I defer to the intelligent and legendary one here in this combination.
42:32OK.
42:32You coward.
42:33Yes.
42:34Amy?
42:35T-Rex.
42:36T-Rex?
42:36T-Rex down the aisle.
42:38Well, mystery guest is going to reveal the answer
42:40by dressing in the appropriate way.
42:43Come on out!
42:44Down the aisle, dressed as a T-Rex.
43:06Why?
43:07I thought it would be funny.
43:09LAUGHTER
43:10And what were you thinking when she was...?
43:14Honestly, I had no idea.
43:16But when there was, like, a delay, it was actually her inflating the suit behind the door.
43:20LAUGHTER
43:21So I was just stood at the end for quite some time.
43:24So were you standing there wondering where she is and you could just hear...
43:26And did you dress like that for your whole wedding day?
43:30No, no, it was just for the aisle.
43:32Oh, yeah, it'd be mental otherwise.
43:34Yeah.
43:35LAUGHTER
43:35LAUGHTER
43:36Um, OK, if you were in a band, you, I mean, you might have just joined Unique Limb Situation.
43:44LAUGHTER
43:45Would you thank Lauren and Joe?
43:47Oh, wait, wait, they're staying.
43:48They're staying.
43:49They're staying.
43:50They're staying.
43:51They're staying.
43:52Uh, Josh has been standing up for the last seven days.
43:56What have you got?
43:57Well, I've got a clip that actually is from this week and I wanted Lauren to see this.
44:02You might have some explaining to do.
44:04Yeah.
44:05Uh, would you like to see someone getting away with fly-tipping
44:09by wearing an extravagant outfit in this unbelievable footage?
44:13Yes, please.
44:15This is really...
44:16Look, you can see the date.
44:17This is, what, Tuesday this week?
44:22And they are doing it dressed as a dinosaur.
44:28Oh.
44:29LAUGHTER
44:31LAUGHTER
44:35Lauren, explain yourself.
44:37LAUGHTER
44:38No comment.
44:40Was it you?
44:41No comment.
44:42LAUGHTER
44:43Well, thank you very much.
44:45Lauren and Joe!
44:46Yay!
44:47APPLAUSE
44:53All right, we ask you to nominate people for this year's Hands Awards.
44:56Um, there have been a whole bunch of celebrities,
44:58uh, like Lindsay Burrow, uh, Zach Polanski, David Tennant,
45:01but people like Jill Robinson from the Play It Forward charity, uh, Brass Group,
45:05who raised £40,000 for charity.
45:07Um, Jolion Maugham from the Good Law Project standing up for, uh, for trans people.
45:13Tamsin said,
45:14My dad, David, who works with bakeries in Ukraine, one in Kyiv, run by and for people with disabilities.
45:21Uh, and someone said the drunk raccoon that broke into a supermarket, drank alcohol and passed out.
45:26LAUGHTER
45:27Could be any of those. Tune in next week.
45:29Um, Alex is getting ready to end the show with his new band, Unique Limbs Situation,
45:32but before he does, would you please thank our guests, Amy Gledhill...
45:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:37..and Guz Khan!
45:39LAUGHTER
45:40And my co-host, Josh Whittacombe...
45:42..and Alex Brooker!
45:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:45Josh and Alex will be back next week with comedians John Richardson and Matt Ford,
45:49as well as presenter AJ Adudu.
45:51But right now, after AI identified Alex as having a Unique Limbs Situation,
45:55he's about to show off his newly formed band called Unique Limbs Situation.
46:00Thanks for watching the last leg, my name's Adam Hills,
46:02I'll see you at 7.30 next Friday for Stand Up To Cancer
46:04and hopefully later that night, for the next leg, take it away, Alex.
46:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:10If you see me walking down the street, staring at the sky, dragging my fake feet,
46:27a cab just drove straight on, did not know that's a farm,
46:33big hands won't make me whole again.
46:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:40Looking back on where my foot left,
46:43I cannot escape, but the parking's the best.
46:48Mittens, you're the one, you still slip right on,
46:53big hands won't make me whole again.
46:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:59Because my limbs are great, and I won't change my mind,
47:03new hands would be too late,
47:05new hands would be too late,
47:06cos I'm happy to go on.
47:08With these little buggers, there's nothing wrong,
47:10big hands won't make me whole again.
47:13Looking back on where my foot left,
47:18I cannot escape, but the parking's the best.
47:24Mittens, you're the one, you still slip right on,
47:30big hands won't make me whole again.
47:37Mittens, you're the one, you still slip right on,
47:41big hands won't make me whole again.
47:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:47THEY'RE BOWER
47:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:55banyak
47:56me
47:57TOUCH
47:59TOUCH
48:00TOUCH
48:01TOUCH
48:02TOUCH
48:03TOUCH
48:04TOUCH
48:06TOUCH
48:08TOUCH
48:10TOUCH
48:12TOUCH
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