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00:00Tonight on 22 Minutes, I crunch the numbers with the finance minister, Doug Ford calls
00:04the White House, Canada Post mails it in, and Mark Kearney makes a connection.
00:0922 Minutes starts now!
00:27Welcome to the show.
00:28It was a big week on Parliament Hill.
00:31Mark Kearney unveiled his 406-page budget.
00:34It was the longest, most boring thing he's written since his book.
00:39Finance Minister Francois-Philippe Champagne outlined the Liberals' plan for our country.
00:44Bold and swift action is what is needed.
00:48To weather the storm of uncertainty, we will not lower ourselves, Mr. Speaker.
00:54Quite the opposite.
00:55We will raise them to catch the winds of economic change.
00:59The goal of this budget is to ensure regular Canadians can get ahead in these troubled times,
01:11which it does by cutting a tax on yachts and private planes.
01:16Finally, a leg up for Canada's most scapegoated minority, rich douchebags.
01:22But surely there must be something in the budget for the rest of us, right, esteemed economist
01:28Mustafa Asghari.
01:33For the average person out there,
01:35and say, I feel better off after today.
01:37I have more hope in the future because my life is going to get more affordable.
01:41I don't think so.
01:44Oh, my God, at least lie.
01:49The main message of this budget, daddy's home and playtime's over.
01:53They're cutting jobs and even scrapping Trudeau's program to plant two billion trees.
01:58Hope you're happy, Prime Minister, you just lost the white guy with dreads vote.
02:02The budget also scraps a program for cabinet ministers to give maple syrup and soapstone souvenirs to visiting foreign dignitaries.
02:11Oh, no! Now what will the dignitaries throw out at the airport?
02:16But there's one budget bright spot nobody saw coming.
02:20Of the many headlines to come out of the federal budget today,
02:22one that you may have missed has to do with Canada and Eurovision.
02:27They've set aside money to help Canada participate in the Eurovision Song Contest.
02:32So move over, ABBA. Make way for ABBA.
02:36So, good news for Canadians who can sing, but for the rest of us, this budget sounds a little flat.
02:45Kearney, your budget's down here.
02:47We need you up here.
02:49We need you up here. This is your number here.
02:51Kearney, come here.
02:54The finance minister just debuted the first budget of his career and the first budget of the Kearney government.
03:00Francois-Philippe Champagne joins me now for a segment I'd like to call A Beer with Champagne.
03:05Minister, thanks for being here.
03:07I love that. We start with savings. We go from champagne to beer. That's the way it should be.
03:11So this is a champagne budget, but in this economy maybe it's more of a
03:15sparkling wine budget or a boxed wine or even a Labatt Blue budget.
03:19406 pages. So is this all chat GPT, chat MP?
03:23Listen, I wish, but it was much more. If you came in my office, believe it or not,
03:28the decision binders are taller than me.
03:29Traditionally, the finance minister will get a new pair of shoes just before the budget.
03:35Et voilà.
03:36You made yours. You know it's a tough budget when the finance minister's out there cobbling his own shoes.
03:41It's this thing that you made, Dr. Frankenstein, might cause an election.
03:47That would be terrible. Have you met anyone in the street who wants an election?
03:51Nobody!
03:51I'll put my shoes. We go.
03:52No, no.
03:53Are you game?
03:54There are great things in here for a lot of families,
03:56like you're keeping the Canada Strong Pass, right?
03:59Yeah, this is great.
04:00Which gives you families cheaper access to trains, to parks and to museums,
04:05which is good because it's taking so long to build the houses,
04:07people are going to have to sleep there.
04:10That's a good one. I didn't think, maybe we should rewrite the budget.
04:13Let me see if we can amend it together.
04:14Yeah, yeah, yeah.
04:14Do you have a pen?
04:15Your mentor was the great Jean Chrétien.
04:18Yes.
04:18You're also representing the wonderful Chewinigan, right?
04:21Was he an inspiration for this budget because you really kind of got the country by the throat there?
04:27Well, listen, I know a bit about the Chewinigan and Shake, so you behave.
04:31What?
04:32But I would tell you, no, but it's called savings.
04:35I really need to correct you.
04:36Not because it's savings.
04:38It's savings.
04:39It's saving.
04:39It's efficiency is artificial intelligence.
04:42You know AI.
04:43AI, oh yeah.
04:44Yeah, I know a lot of people would know AI after this.
04:47But AI.
04:49Yeah.
04:49Coming up with a budget when Mr. Trump is in the White House,
04:52kind of like putting wallpaper up while your house is on fire.
04:55Have you met Mr. Trump yet?
04:57I did.
04:57He must have loved you.
04:58I can't.
04:59Have you met him?
05:00Francois Champagne.
05:01Frankie Bubbles, I call him.
05:02Melania loves the booze his family makes.
05:05Quite frankly, we drink a lot at Mar-a-Lago.
05:07The Qataris spent $440 million to give him an airplane.
05:11Now he likes it.
05:12South Koreans gave him a golden crown.
05:14Now he likes it.
05:15$78.3 billion deficit.
05:18Tack on another billion.
05:19Put it in an envelope.
05:20Leave it on the Oval Office table.
05:22That's going to be transformative.
05:25Want to make some money?
05:25Well, listen, I'm going to sell copies of these, right?
05:29They're twice as long as the Stephen King novel and three times as scary.
05:33You'll make a million bucks.
05:35That's a good one, actually.
05:37This is on me.
05:37But to pay for this bill, I'd like to borrow from you to get the money and I'll get my kids
05:42to pay it back 20 years from now.
05:44I think after so many years, we need to send a strong message to people.
05:50We're changing the course.
05:51You know, you come from Newfoundland.
05:52It's like on a boat.
05:53Now we have a clear destination as a nation.
05:55And I hope this serves that.
05:57And if we can inspire also the young generation,
06:01I think we have been doing something great for the country.
06:03We'll be okay.
06:04All right, listen.
06:05Cheers.
06:06Cheers, my friend.
06:08On me.
06:09All right.
06:09All right.
06:14I can't afford that.
06:15We're supposed to be saving.
06:18Let's go again.
06:19It's on Frankie.
06:23Researchers have found microplastics in the tails of some Nova Scotian lobsters.
06:28Restaurants will now be serving a new delicacy, surf and astroturf.
06:34Elon Musk is set to become the world's first trillionaire,
06:37and honestly, it couldn't have happened to a Nazi-er guy.
06:42The liberal budget has been tabled and the question now is,
06:45will it get enough votes to survive or will it be voted off the hill?
06:49The odds got a little better after conservative MP Chris Dantremont crossed the floor this week.
06:54He suggested he was tired of Pierre and he might not be alone.
06:58I would suggest that there probably are those that are in the same boat,
07:01but I will let them tell their stories.
07:03Show us on the doll where the conservatives yelled at you!
07:08Dantremont also claimed the conservative party felt more like a frat house than a serious political
07:13party, which explains why Pierre's been streaking.
07:17A second Tory resigned this week after party leadership allegedly threatened him into not
07:21crossing the floor. The threat? Having to get Melissa Lantzman's haircut.
07:26Needless to say, the vibes in the Pierre lair were a little toxic.
07:31I think it's shameful what he did.
07:32A floor crosser is disingenuous, disloyal, selfish, and opportunistic.
07:37It's like a divorce, right? Divorces are always sad.
07:40Sad? I don't know. I haven't seen a divorcee this relieved since Nicole Kidman left Tom.
07:47Tonight, on an all-new Golden Bachelor Canada, meet Mark Carney. He's a retired banker who has
07:56just returned home from living in London, and he wants to meet new people.
08:00I'm the Prime Minister, I've got plenty of riz, and I'm looking for someone to expand the size of my
08:07caucus. Is this it? Okay, so tell me about yourself.
08:15Hi, my name is Chris Dontremont. I'm from Nova Scotia. I'm just out of a very controlling and
08:23toxic relationship, and I'm a conservative. Oh, okay. But I am by-election curious.
08:31Parley more. I heard there might be a Christmas election. I thought, Chris,
08:38let's put the Chris in Christmas. It's time you were the present. I'm having a glow-up.
08:43I wanted to be speaker, but Pierre didn't support my dreams.
08:46Pierre doesn't understand you. I think you'd make an excellent speaker.
08:52You'd make me speaker if I cross? Oh, God, no.
08:56But I'd really listen to how much you want to be one. You're the only one for me.
09:01Really? And by that, I mean you're literally the only person who showed up. I put out a lot
09:06of feelers, and no one else wanted to feel me back. So, if I may, if I may, let me be clear.
09:12I really need three MPs for majority, but I'll settle for you. That's a commitment I'm ready to make.
09:18I will settle for you. You're gonna make me cry, and not from being yelled at for once.
09:24I know it's a tough decision. I know you owe a lot to conservative donors, and I know you must be
09:28conflicted over all the promises that you made to your constituents.
09:32Oh, God, no. That doesn't bother me.
09:36Okay, then. Uh, what's your name again?
09:39Chris. Right, right. Chad...
09:42Chris! Sorry, sorry. Chad, will you cross the floor for me?
09:47Just call me Mr. Speaker!
09:48I will not. Okay, okay.
09:51So do I just...
09:52Just stand over here. Thank you very much.
09:53Are you gonna come with me?
09:54Don't speak to me.
09:58That's the Golden Bachelor Canada.
10:00Love is just a pension away.
10:12Dictionary.com has announced its word of the year is 6-7,
10:16and Collins Dictionary has announced its word of the year is vibe coding.
10:20One's a number, and one is two words. Other than that, the English language is doing great.
10:28A U.S. man who threw a sandwich at a federal agent has been cleared of all charges.
10:33And to celebrate, he's coming back with soup!
10:37This week, StatsCan announced Canada added 67,000 new jobs last month, and the Liberals got a little too excited.
10:44The news today was that we created 67,000 jobs.
10:48Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
10:496-7, 6-7, 6-7, 6-7.
10:53Will the Minister of Cringe please sit down?
10:57But at least it was an important lesson for children.
11:00The government will ruin everything you love.
11:06What can I do for you today?
11:08I just want to get this ship to Regina.
11:10Nine bucks.
11:11You didn't even weigh it.
11:12A hundred bucks.
11:13What? You can't do that.
11:14Yeah, I can. The new budget says Canada Post can set its own rates, so...
11:18Two bucks.
11:19Down from a hundred? Why?
11:20Vibe shifted.
11:21Yes.
11:22What's in it?
11:22That's personal.
11:24Forty.
11:24Fine. It's a sweatshirt.
11:26Show me.
11:26I'm not showing you.
11:28Fifty.
11:34Ew!
11:35Three hundred!
11:36It's a joke for my buddy from university.
11:38Oh, male friendship is actually so cute.
11:40Forty again.
11:42Whatever. Can I just tap with my card?
11:44Ooh, sorry lover boy. We're actually going to make it a hundred.
11:47How?
11:48Surge pricing.
11:50But I came in before the line formed.
11:53You know what? I like the tenacity.
11:55Twelve cents.
11:55Yes.
11:56Cash only.
11:57I don't have 12 cents in cash.
11:58They don't even make pennies anymore.
11:59Uh, I have a dime.
12:01Oh, thanks. Will ten cents take care of it?
12:04Do I look like the kind of woman who rounds down? Thirty.
12:07Oh, come on!
12:08Five shift. A thousand dollars.
12:10No!
12:10Yeah, that thirty bucks is looking real good about now, huh?
12:13Okay, fine. Thirty's great.
12:15Can I just tap with my card?
12:17Yeah, go ahead. And you know what? No taxes, lover. I really put you through it.
12:21All right.
12:22Next!
12:23Hi. This needs to go to Lethbridge ASAP. How much?
12:27Four.
12:27Four what?
12:28That's TBD, my guy.
12:29Canada Post is about to suck way more than before. Brought to you by FedEx.
12:38According to a new report, Donald Trump wants the Washington Commanders to name their new stadium
12:43after him. Yay! Who wants to go to a game at Piece of Park?
12:51Hello. This is the Gold House.
12:57Oh, sorry, folks. I was looking for the White House.
13:00We tore it down, but we're going to rebuild it. All gold. 47 stories, because I'm number 47.
13:07Also 45, but there's no 46th floor, because Biden. Who's calling?
13:12This is Premier Doug Ford of Ontario.
13:15Speak English.
13:16Uh, Canada.
13:18Canada, the Russia of the world. You're the man who made the fake news commercial with Ronald Reagan.
13:24You're the Canadian vice president, and you're nasty.
13:27Well, that's why I'm calling. I've been told, asked, to apologize, but I refuse.
13:33You can put me on a stretching rack, and I won't apologize.
13:37So why are you calling?
13:39To say I'm sorry, I refuse to apologize. Can we have free trade back, please?
13:44No, you've made Ronald Reagan come back from the dead, like Michael Jackson in Thriller,
13:49or Jesus in Bible, or Biden in White House.
13:53Everybody's mad at me. I'm not a bad guy. I'm just a pudgy nepo baby with bad hair who got a job running his rich
14:01daddy's business and relies on populism to get votes.
14:04Wait, you just described me. We're the same guy, you and me.
14:09No, I am nothing like you. You wear a red hat that says, make America great again,
14:14and I wear a blue hat that says, Canada is not for sale.
14:17And they're both made in China. It's the same thing.
14:21No, it's not. I blame you for everything.
14:25And I blame you for everything. We're two sides of the same coin.
14:29It's a Canadian standoff. I can't bow down to Canada.
14:33And you can't back down from your ads, so you keep screwing up Canada.
14:37And I'll keep screwing up the United States, and we can blame each other
14:41while not ever having to actually do anything.
14:44I don't need you. I'm already doing nothing all by myself.
14:51You complete me.
14:55Some casinos on the Las Vegas Strip are selling bottled water priced at $9.
15:06So keep that in mind next time you're gambling at the Loblaws.
15:11King Charles has officially stripped Prince Andrew of the title Prince.
15:15Now he'll just have to go by his old name, Epstein jet passenger 5C Andrew.
15:20Last week, Alberta Premier Daniel Smith used the notwithstanding clause to force 51,000
15:28striking teachers back to work. On top of that, they'll each have to write,
15:32I will not exercise my freedoms on a chalkboard 100 times.
15:37The teachers wanted smaller class sizes, and at first it seemed like the Premier was open to compromise.
15:42The leadership needs to understand that there's, what's the phrase, more than one way to peel a potato.
15:48Is there though?
15:51Pretty sure it's just peeler.
15:54But take it easy on Danielle, it's hard to learn these things when your home ec class has 80 kids in it.
16:01Smith's comment twice baked the public outrage, causing people to drop off loose spuds in protest.
16:06Dang! Is that the Alberta legislature or a vigil for Mr. Potato Head?
16:15She's just lucky they didn't stick around to fertilize them.
16:20Man, so many celebrities are getting facelifts now, it's crazy.
16:24I know, they look insane. Like, it's getting uncanny valley.
16:27I know. And like, I would never do it.
16:29Me neither.
16:30It literally goes against my religion. Black don't crack. Amen.
16:33Exactly.
16:36But, if I were to do it, I would just...
16:41Oh, wow!
16:43You see it?
16:44Yeah, yeah, yeah.
16:44See, it's not too much, it's very subtle, but like, it changes everything.
16:48Oh yeah, like, I'm immediately nicer to you if you look like that.
16:51Exactly, right, and it's not much again. It's just...
16:54And then all of a sudden now, I'm perfect.
16:57Married rich house kids.
16:58Oh yeah, honey. It's Prada, it's Chanel, it's Birkin bag in the closet, paid for up front.
17:02Exactly.
17:03For sure, for sure.
17:04I would never ever really do anything like that either.
17:07Right, right.
17:07But if I did, I mean, it would just be like...
17:11You know?
17:11Yes.
17:11Like, that's next level.
17:13Yes, yes, yes.
17:13Because just regular, well, loser ass winch.
17:17But Naomi Campbell.
17:19And again, nothing major. It's nothing major.
17:23Whoa, whoa, whoa. You guys, uh, talking work?
17:25Yeah.
17:26Okay, well, you know, I would never.
17:29But like, if I did, it would be something super subtle, right?
17:32Like, something like this.
17:33Oh, yes.
17:33Yes.
17:35See, that is absolutely sucked and plucked.
17:37Yeah, like, something like that.
17:38It's like every single dream we've ever had is coming to fruition.
17:40Imagine me walking past with that jawline.
17:45Well, honestly, it's like hard to imagine because your hand's there.
17:48Right, okay, well, okay.
17:49Just imagine this then, right?
17:51So this is pulling back there.
17:53Just pull back.
17:53It's just subtle.
17:54It's just subtle.
17:54It's just, it's just pulling back.
17:56Chris, that looks great.
17:57Like that?
17:58Yes.
17:58Is this giving?
17:59Chris, it's giving.
18:00It's not.
18:01And you know what?
18:02I'm doing that, obviously.
18:03Right?
18:03Right or near?
18:04While I'm on the table, why not throw in a little bit of that?
18:06Oh, my God.
18:07You're so, that's a game to you guys.
18:08It is so worth it.
18:09It's subtle, it's subtle.
18:10You know, maybe all at once just bam.
18:12Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yeah.
18:14So I'm gonna just do that real quick while I'm there.
18:18Let's get ahead of that.
18:19Yeah.
18:19I want all that stuff, too.
18:21I've always wanted to stick a spoon in the leg.
18:23Oh, yeah, get those.
18:24Do it, do it.
18:25Bam.
18:25Oh, yeah.
18:26Straighten the nose out.
18:27But then also, I want my butt to be higher, just like bam.
18:30Just a little bit.
18:31You don't have to go crazy.
18:31It's not too much.
18:33It's subtle, right?
18:34Like, it's all it just holds back, right?
18:41I think you look amazing.
18:42Looking good, gang.
18:45Very subtle work.
18:48And to you, too, sir.
18:59This week, Canada's west coast saw a massive full beaver supermoon.
19:03Crazy.
19:04Massive full beaver supermoon was my nickname in college.
19:08Crazy.
19:09This week, the Pittsburgh area naturist hosted a nude bowling night.
19:14The night came to an unfortunate end when several balls got stuck in the machine.
19:21The most important part of an intervention is that you're here.
19:24When Laura walks through that door, remember that this is about getting her help today.
19:28Okay, I just had the best heart-to-heart with ChatGPT.
19:32Oh, no.
19:33She's using right now.
19:35Just be strong.
19:36Laura, your friends are worried about you.
19:37Please sit down.
19:38ChatGPT, why are my friends worried about me?
19:40You're addicted to ChatGPT.
19:42Come on.
19:42Please.
19:43This is an intervention.
19:47ChatGPT was an intervention.
19:48Ugh.
19:49Okay, you know what that is.
19:50You're sick.
19:51You need help.
19:52It's rotting your brain.
19:53I only started using ChatGPT to write emails, okay?
19:57I swear.
19:57No, that's not true.
19:58Yesterday, I saw you ask ChatGPT how many legs you have.
20:03Two?
20:04I know that now.
20:05Your friends are hoping that you're willing to hand over your phone so we can see how deep you're in.
20:09Please.
20:10You're scaring Dave.
20:11You're different when you're on ChatGPT.
20:13You're just so...
20:15You're so stupid now.
20:18Look, you don't need help with any of these questions.
20:22What time is lunch?
20:24Day after Tuesday?
20:26Ingredients in water?
20:27Those are my private questions.
20:29It's making you dumber.
20:31It's more dumber.
20:32And no, it's not.
20:33Look, you can see the exact moment in your history when your brain stopped working for itself.
20:37Does dreams really come true?
20:40Do they?
20:41You spell true with two O's.
20:43Is dog cat?
20:45Why sun disappears sometimes?
20:47And haven't had water 10 days?
20:49I okay?
20:50Your brain is dust.
20:52Brain okay.
20:53Oh my god.
20:54Oh my god.
20:55Brain okay?
20:57Brain okay?
20:58My brain is okay.
21:00Oh my god, that was so hard.
21:02My brain is not okay.
21:04Will you accept help today?
21:09Can I ask ChatGPT?
21:10No!
21:14That's the way we saw the world this week.
21:15Thanks for watching and funding.
21:17Keep it right here on CBC.
21:18Good night!
21:19Good night!
21:21I'm going to ask ChatGPT.
21:22I'm going to ask ChatGPT.
21:23I'm going to ask ChatGPT.
21:23I'm going to ask ChatGPT.
21:24I'm going to ask ChatGPT.
21:25I'm going to ask ChatGPT.
21:25I'm going to ask ChatGPT.
21:27I'm going to ask ChatGPT.
21:27I'm going to ask ChatGPT.
21:28I'm going to ask ChatGPT.
21:29I'm going to ask ChatGPT.
21:29I'm going to ask ChatGPT.
21:30I'm going to ask ChatGPT.
21:31I'm going to ask ChatGPT.
21:31I'm going to ask ChatGPT.
21:32I'm going to ask ChatGPT.
21:33I'm going to ask ChatGPT.
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