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00:00LAUGHTER
00:02Richard and I go back a long way. We were in the Communards together.
00:05LAUGHTER
00:07APPLAUSE
00:12Still a bastard.
00:14LAUGHTER
00:30APPLAUSE
00:55Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:58I am Professor Hannah Frye.
01:00In the news this week, after several sherrys too many
01:03in Yates' Wine Lodge, Liz Truss tries to attack the landlord
01:06for telling her she's barred.
01:14In Teddington, security camera footage finally reveals
01:17the identity of a creepy peeping Tom.
01:22LAUGHTER
01:25And in Cambridge, Wales, there is a delicious sense of irony
01:37as the head of South East Water has to empty his block drains himself.
01:42LAUGHTER
01:43APPLAUSE
01:48On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who found fame
01:52by making shorts on YouTube.
01:54To be clear, that is comedy films, not a sewing channel.
01:56Please welcome Finley Christie.
01:58APPLAUSE
02:00On Paul's team tonight is a writer, retired vicar and former pop star
02:03who says he now sticks his money in ices rather than up his nose.
02:07LAUGHTER
02:08The way things are going there, Richard.
02:09Up your nose sounds far safer.
02:10Please welcome Reverend Richard Cole.
02:11APPLAUSE
02:12We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
02:13Ian and Finley, here's yours.
02:14Hmm, new kind of A.I.
02:30LAUGHTER
02:33That's Pinocchio.
02:34And that's someone who does not lie.
02:36And that's someone who does not lie.
02:38And this is the Prime Minister. It is.
02:41Is that the level that this quiz has reached?
02:42We are now asked to identify who the Prime Minister is.
02:46Is this the fallout from the budget?
02:48It is the fallout from the budget, absolutely.
02:50Well, yes, the Chancellor's been accused of lying.
02:53Yes. Suggesting that things were worse with the economy
02:57than she said, and that gave her the chance to raise taxes
03:02and spend more money.
03:03She thought, yeah, the black hole was not as big as she thought,
03:06but, to be fair, black holes are normally massive.
03:09LAUGHTER
03:11Absolutely right. The final OBR report on 31 October told Reeves
03:14that she was on course for a surplus of £4.2 billion,
03:18but four days later, she went on TV to tell us we're all doomed.
03:22Yes. And the extra money comes from the fact that she's given
03:25such large wage settlements to people, they have to pay taxes,
03:28so she's got more money than she thought she might have,
03:31which she didn't notice.
03:33So, I think the answer is put everybody's wages up endlessly.
03:36LAUGHTER
03:38I'm not an economist.
03:39APPLAUSE
03:41You see, populism is incredibly easy.
03:46LAUGHTER
03:48So, the economy is maybe not as bad as we thought,
03:50but what message of hope did the government have for young people
03:53this week?
03:54I didn't hear it.
03:55LAUGHTER
03:57I'm surprised you missed this, actually, Finlay,
03:59because Cabinet Office Minister Josh Simmons said this week
04:02that the economic outlook for the under-50s is, frankly, shit.
04:06LAUGHTER
04:07Apparently, I am going to be richer on a state pension at 106
04:16than you will be in your biggest earning year at 45,
04:20because you'll have to pay back so much interest on your student loan.
04:23I don't know if you had one.
04:24OK. What are you getting paid for this show?
04:25LAUGHTER
04:27Well, I mean, vicars have paid an absolute fortune.
04:31Exactly.
04:32I mean, it's just loaded, all those years working for the C of E.
04:34How easy is it to be a vicar?
04:38If you look around at the bench of bishops,
04:41you'll see it's a very low bar, indeed.
04:43LAUGHTER
04:44I'm down. Listen, I'm... Fuck this.
04:47LAUGHTER
04:48You've already got the lingo, to be fair.
04:50LAUGHTER
04:52APPLAUSE
04:55I think that the best response to the Budget actually came from
04:58Suffolk Police, which I think,
05:01and crime commissioner Tim Passmore.
05:04Oh, yeah.
05:05You know him?
05:06No.
05:07LAUGHTER
05:08Who's this guy?
05:09I've just been listening to The Budget
05:11and Rachel Reeves coming to you.
05:13And I'm getting fed up with more and more taxes
05:16on everything that is done.
05:18I think the tourist idea...
05:20The idea of a tourist tax is complete nonsense.
05:22We've got to control welfare spending
05:24and stop putting extra taxes up.
05:26LAUGHTER
05:28He's a police commissioner.
05:32And a swinger, obviously.
05:33LAUGHTER
05:34APPLAUSE
05:36See where the word up is placed?
05:42LAUGHTER
05:44It's code.
05:46Quite easy to crack.
05:47That's code.
05:48Police commissioners are being scrapped, aren't they?
05:50Yeah.
05:51Cos they've been decided they're a waste of money.
05:53LAUGHTER
05:55And there he is proving his worth.
05:57Indeed.
05:58Oh, my God.
05:59Out from the swings.
06:00Looking after our kids.
06:01LAUGHTER
06:02Now, you made that joke up yourself.
06:07LAUGHTER
06:08Your fault.
06:10Which Labour MP got in trouble this week?
06:12George Williams.
06:13No.
06:14No.
06:15I bet it sounded like it was a Labour MP, though, didn't it?
06:16Yeah.
06:17Almost had me.
06:18Yeah.
06:19Is this Tulip Sadiq?
06:20It is Tulip Sadiq.
06:21Oh, yeah.
06:22She's in trouble because she was found guilty of corruption
06:25in Bangladesh and sentenced to two years in jail.
06:28Here is Tulip Sadiq with her aunt and an awkward plus-one.
06:31LAUGHTER
06:33David Lammy, did he have any big news this week?
06:36Scrapping juries.
06:37Mmm.
06:38Oh, yeah, justice.
06:39There's a huge backlog in trials.
06:41Some people who have been charged now won't be tried for another
06:44five years.
06:45Absolutely.
06:46There's also another 12 prisoners that have been...
06:48Yes.
06:49Accidentally released.
06:50Mmm.
06:51The last three weeks.
06:52So clumsy.
06:53Two of them, by the way, still at large, but he could halve that
06:57number if he just accepted that Bangladeshi extradition request.
07:00LAUGHTER
07:02But there's been a certain amount of debate about whether
07:06scrapping juries is a good idea, because then it's just a judge.
07:10That's better, though, surely.
07:12Not in my experience.
07:13Really?
07:14LAUGHTER
07:18I'm quite keen on jury.
07:21LAUGHTER
07:22They're just not keen on you, are they?
07:24No.
07:25Shame.
07:26Shame.
07:27I feel like there's no other job where, like, your job can be done
07:29by just 12 random people.
07:31We're going for surgery and then we've got a primary school teacher
07:35and a bin man.
07:37We can only just bring them up to speed on how to do it.
07:40We really don't know much about the bishops of the Church of England.
07:43LAUGHTER
07:46Finally, what did Scottish Labour councillor Hanif Rajah try to get
07:50away with doing on a work Zoom call recently?
07:53He had nothing from the waist down.
07:55And Yodel came to the door and the rest is history.
07:58Yeah.
07:59That doesn't happen, obviously.
08:01LAUGHTER
08:03Do you want to see the clip?
08:05No, go on, yeah.
08:06Can you see the slide OK and hear me?
08:08Yes, thanks.
08:09Perfect.
08:10LAUGHTER
08:11So, this application relates to the proposed research
08:15of a planetary story system.
08:16Before we start, Bailey Raja, are you aware that your camera is live?
08:20LAUGHTER
08:25LAUGHTER
08:27Thing is, now the councillor, we're shouting at him, log out, log out.
08:31And he's like, that's what I'm trying to do!
08:33LAUGHTER
08:39This is the news that, whether we are talking about OBR reports
08:42or prisoners, the government can't stop things being released too early.
08:46According to one poll on the Chancellor of the Exchequer,
08:49two-thirds of the public think Rachel Reeves should resign,
08:52to which a concerned Reeves remarks, blimey, that is nearly 50%.
08:56LAUGHTER
08:57One of those calling for Reeves' resignation was former Bank of England
09:02economist Andrew Sentence, although the full reasons why she should quit
09:07were laid out by his colleague Chris Paragra.
09:10LAUGHTER
09:12Defending her attacks on Rachel Reeves, Tory leader Kemi Badenoch
09:16said it wasn't her job to provide emotional support,
09:19something she regularly reminds her children.
09:22LAUGHTER
09:24Also this week, a Labour politician was seen sitting on the toilet
09:29after leaving his camera on during a meeting.
09:32Hanif Rajah is a councillor for Pollock Shields.
09:35Given the angle of that camera, he could have done with a pair of those.
09:39LAUGHTER
09:41APPLAUSE
09:43OK.
09:44APPLAUSE
09:46Paul and Richard, here's yours.
09:48OK, there's Jeremy Corbyn, they're launching a new party
09:51and there's the choices of names, Popular Alliance, Your Party,
09:54and this is...
09:55Which one of them is clapping in time?
09:57You can't really tell, can you?
09:59LAUGHTER
10:00It's been quite chaotic, the launch of Your Party,
10:02as the names have settled on.
10:04They don't have one individual leader.
10:05There's a committee of people, isn't there,
10:07that's leading the party at the moment.
10:09Absolutely right.
10:10This is the newly formed Hard Left Party, Your Party,
10:12originally set up by Labour rebels, Jeremy Corbyn and Zahra Sultana.
10:16Now, of course, the Hard Left, they hate being made fun of.
10:20So, let's begin...
10:21Yeah.
10:22..with a montage of the best bits of the conference.
10:25Fine.
10:26For the many, we must organise.
10:32Consider about it.
10:34Talked a lot about the toxic politics of the Labour Party,
10:37but I tell you, there's some toxic politics...
10:39We are going to have to turn the mic off.
10:41LAUGHTER
10:43Please speak to the option.
10:45I am speaking to the option.
10:46I am speaking to the option.
10:47I am addressing people's concerns.
10:50LAUGHTER
10:53No booing conference.
10:56If you behave badly and are unkind,
11:00there will be consequences.
11:02LAUGHTER
11:03Oh, conference.
11:05Dear, dear, dear.
11:07LAUGHTER
11:09Dear.
11:10Those were the highlights.
11:12What is the party called officially?
11:15Your party.
11:16Yeah.
11:17Absolutely.
11:18And I'll cry if I want to.
11:19LAUGHTER
11:20It's such a bad name, isn't it?
11:22The worst kind of party is one that you're having.
11:25LAUGHTER
11:26Nobody wants...
11:27Oh, there's a party.
11:28Oh, where?
11:29Yours.
11:30Ah.
11:31It should be called someone else's party.
11:33Yeah.
11:34Calling it your party when the two leaders both think it's my party.
11:37Yeah.
11:38It's not good.
11:39But they had a vote and they've decided that neither of the two
11:42people who set up the party should sit on the committee that
11:45runs the party.
11:46The new party organisers, they didn't want to disintegrate into
11:49warring factions so soon.
11:50No.
11:51Oh, really?
11:52So they decided to reject anyone who they thought was a member
11:55of another party.
11:56So the Socialist Workers Party...
11:57Yeah.
11:58The People's Front of Judea...
11:59LAUGHTER
12:00Although I think they were not welcome for other reasons.
12:05Yes.
12:06What are your party's members vulnerable to?
12:10Reality.
12:11LAUGHTER
12:13Showers.
12:15Um...
12:16Apparently being seduced by Zach Polanski.
12:19Oh, yes.
12:20He's a Svengali of the Green Party.
12:22Yeah, he was meant to be here tonight.
12:24He absolutely was.
12:25And then he chicken...
12:27Sorry, tofu'd out.
12:28LAUGHTER
12:30APPLAUSE
12:36Zach actually, um...
12:38When he was supposed to be coming on, he messaged me on
12:40Instagram.
12:41He was like, great to see we're on together on Have I Got News For You.
12:43He said, um, be nice to me and I'll be your friend.
12:48Oh, he didn't say that to me.
12:52But, yeah, I think he was scared.
12:54I think that's why I didn't come.
12:55Stay ducking me, Zach, I'm coming for you.
12:57LAUGHTER
12:59Yeah.
13:00I'm just learning to live with the fact that I'm the second choice
13:03after Zach Polanski.
13:04LAUGHTER
13:05Well, third, actually.
13:07Third, sorry.
13:08LAUGHTER
13:10Eddie the Eagle busy again.
13:12To be honest, we tried to get sooty.
13:14Yeah.
13:15And Roman Polanski.
13:17LAUGHTER
13:18He always gets my gigs, bastard.
13:20Yeah.
13:21In other news, what has former Conservative Vice Chairman and MP for
13:25Stoke-on-Trent, Jonathan Gullis, done?
13:27Joined Reform.
13:28Correct.
13:29How welcoming has the Reform Party been to people like Jonathan Gullis?
13:33Well, they can afford to be very welcoming now because they've just got
13:36nine million quid from that dodgy bloke who gave Boris Johnson a million quid
13:40and Boris Johnson gave him an £80 million defence contract.
13:43Allegedly.
13:44Mm-hm.
13:45Mm-hm.
13:46Good luck with the jury.
13:47LAUGHTER
13:53What has Nigel Farage done almost 2,000 times in the last 12 months?
13:58Is it that thing on the way you pay someone to say hello on the internet thing?
14:02Exactly.
14:03Cameo.
14:04Cameo.
14:05Yes.
14:06How much does he cost?
14:07Well, he earned £140,000 in 2025 from it, so 2,000 times.
14:10What do you reckon?
14:11I could phone my agent is what I reckon.
14:13LAUGHTER
14:15Would you like to see one of his most famous ones?
14:17Yes, absolutely.
14:18Got him.
14:19Happy birthday, Hugh Janus.
14:21I've heard you're a massive fan.
14:23APPLAUSE
14:292,000 of those in the last 12 months.
14:32Just says whatever people want him to say.
14:34And he does cameos as well.
14:35LAUGHTER
14:36That's it.
14:38APPLAUSE
14:40This week, Nigel Farage produced letters from former schoolmates,
14:45defending him from allegations that his banter was malicious.
14:49On the Today programme, Richard Tice was asked about Nigel Farage's
14:53relationship with Hitler.
14:55LAUGHTER
14:57For the record, I don't think Farage has had much of a relationship
14:59with Hitler.
15:00I believe he's only read one of his books.
15:02LAUGHTER
15:03We should say Farage has denied all accusations of anti-Semitic bullying.
15:10LAUGHTER
15:11It was banter.
15:13Yeah.
15:14Surely you've seen that sort of banter.
15:16And I think if Zach Polanski had come tonight, he would have agreed.
15:19Yeah.
15:20Yeah.
15:21LAUGHTER
15:22This is the news that there is a new force on the far left.
15:26There were 2,500 delegates at the Your Party conference
15:29who had been selected via a lottery.
15:32Advertised by the slogan,
15:33If you're really unlucky, it could be you.
15:36LAUGHTER
15:37A Your Party spokesperson said that the leadership model they wanted
15:41was not top-down but bottom-up.
15:43But in the end, they arrived at a compromise.
15:45Tits-up.
15:47LAUGHTER
15:49APPLAUSE
15:51On to round two.
15:54Oh, yes.
15:55Backed by popular demand.
15:56Yes.
15:57This is, er...
15:58It's the fishing mod of news.
15:59Backed by popular demand.
16:00LAUGHTER
16:01That's a straightforward Rachel Reeves.
16:03Yeah.
16:04How dare you?
16:05This has had an upgrade.
16:06We haven't seen the full special effect yet.
16:08Let's see the full special effect.
16:09Here we go.
16:10Here we go.
16:11Let's go fish some news, people.
16:12Fish some news, yeah.
16:13LAUGHTER
16:14Oh, hang on.
16:15It's broken.
16:16Here we go.
16:17Whoa.
16:18A.
16:19APPLAUSE
16:21Well...
16:22That graphic didn't match what you were doing.
16:24LAUGHTER
16:25Aside, this is a picture of a raccoon and it broke into somewhere,
16:29a bar, I think, fell through the ceiling,
16:31drunk all the liquor in the bar and fell asleep in the bathroom,
16:34completely pissed.
16:35Pissed as a raccoon.
16:36You are absolutely right.
16:38Left a trail of destruction, broken bottles all over the place,
16:41and then, yeah, in the bathroom they found this.
16:44LAUGHTER
16:45APPLAUSE
16:46Credit to him having made it to the bathroom.
16:48I agree.
16:49Also, I think someone's left the bin out for him,
16:51just in case he wants to travel with that instead.
16:53Do you know how he was dealt with by the investigator?
16:55Picks him up in a sack, threw him over the fence.
16:57LAUGHTER
16:58Did they ring his family and say, can you come and pick him up?
17:13Apparently, according to the investigator,
17:15we safely secured our masked bandit and transported him back to the
17:18shelter to sober up before questioning.
17:20LAUGHTER
17:21On the subject of animals behaving badly...
17:24Yes.
17:25Who has got beef with Peppa Pig's dad?
17:27It's David Gandy.
17:28It is David Gandy!
17:30I don't even know who he is, but I...
17:32He looks so different to his great-grandad, Mahatma.
17:35LAUGHTER
17:44Yeah, he complained, you said Peppa Pig's dad...
17:46Yeah.
17:47..is a very poor role model.
17:48Mm, he did.
17:49From what?
17:50As a pig.
17:51Yeah.
17:52He's a fictional cartoon pig.
17:54How can he be a role model for anybody?
17:56David Gandy called Daddy Pig a useless fool.
17:59Erm, he said...
18:00He said he makes fathers look pathetic
18:02and gives children the wrong idea about men.
18:04This is, er...
18:05But he's a pig!
18:06I mean, sure.
18:07Fictional cartoon pig!
18:09I mean, there's a long tradition in comedy
18:11of useless and incapable of men.
18:13Yeah.
18:14Cos he doesn't, like, you know, go gym and...
18:17I don't know, drink Huel.
18:19That's...
18:20He needs to be...
18:21That's what men want as role models now.
18:23It's not a kind world, is it?
18:26Erm...
18:27Listen...
18:28That's a general point.
18:29Get used to it.
18:31LAUGHTER
18:32Who is Peppa Pig's biggest fan, though?
18:44Oh, Boris Johnson.
18:45Absolutely Boris Johnson.
18:46At least he used to be.
18:47Yeah, he used to quote Peppa Pig in major economic speeches.
18:51If only we had someone of that stature nowadays.
18:54LAUGHTER
18:55There's a recent Telegraph podcast, though, he sounds a bit more jaded.
18:59OK.
19:00I've got four children under five, which is a lot.
19:02I know!
19:03Are you all right?
19:04How much Peppa Pig are you watching right now?
19:06Peppa.
19:07LAUGHTER
19:08Four children?
19:09Yeah.
19:10How is that?
19:11More like...
19:12LAUGHTER
19:13Yes!
19:14Come on!
19:15Yeah, come on.
19:16We're there.
19:17What did a children's TV programme inspire Wayne Rooney to do recently?
19:33I think I saw a photograph, but I can't think of what it was.
19:35On Radio 5 Live?
19:36Yes.
19:37He said that children's television had inspired him to get a vasectomy.
19:41LAUGHTER
19:43Which character in particular do you know inspires Rooney to get the snip?
19:48Is this Peppa Pig's uncle...
19:50LAUGHTER
19:51..who has a vasectomy in series four?
19:54LAUGHTER
19:55Apparently it was Mr Tumble from CBeebies.
19:58LAUGHTER
19:59Now, if you are too old to know who the tubby clown is, here he is.
20:03LAUGHTER
20:05APPLAUSE
20:07And this is Mr Tumble.
20:10LAUGHTER
20:11This is the raccoon in Virginia that smashed several bottles of booze,
20:15got drunk and passed out in the toilet.
20:17Here is the raccoon trying to sleep it off.
20:19Oh.
20:20In fact, he only woke up when he found he was being used to clean the bowl.
20:24LAUGHTER
20:26Supermodel David Gandhi says there aren't enough good examples
20:30for fathers to follow.
20:31Well, he certainly isn't one.
20:33No-one wants a dad who sits around in their pants all day.
20:35LAUGHTER
20:36It's a very funny photograph.
20:38I wonder who stole my trousers.
20:40LAUGHTER
20:41LAUGHTER
20:46All right, fingers on buzzers.
20:47Fingers on buzzers.
20:48It's time to hook another one in.
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21:27And then they spent five hours locked in talks,
21:29after which Putin's foreign policy adviser, Yuri Ushakov...
21:34Hang on, let me...
21:38It doesn't matter, he'll get another one next week.
21:43The foreign policy adviser told the press,
21:46peace is no closer, but also no further away.
21:49But his reaction was positive.
21:51You know, they said, would you like peace in Ukraine?
21:54He said, I'd like to go to war with Europe.
21:56That's an advance.
21:59I think if Zack was here, he'd say that Trump should use nukes.
22:07I think you've got his position nailed, haven't you?
22:10Does anyone know what Steve Witkoff's nickname is?
22:13Wiki.
22:15It's got to be Witless, hasn't it?
22:17According to The Independent, Western intelligence regard
22:20Witkoff as a Putin-loving liability, so they call him Dim Philby.
22:25LAUGHTER
22:28What does Donald Trump have no idea about?
22:30Anything.
22:33Do you want it in alphabetical order?
22:36He had an MRI scan.
22:37Oh, yes.
22:38He doesn't know which part of his body was examined.
22:40Exactly.
22:41But he said it was the best MRI that's ever been...
22:43Perfect.
22:44He said it was perfect.
22:45Let's hear it from Trump himself.
22:46Yeah.
22:47What part of your body was the MRI looking at?
22:49I have no idea.
22:50It was just an MRI.
22:51What part of the body?
22:52It wasn't the brain because I took a cognitive test and I aced it.
22:56I got a perfect mark, which you would be incapable of doing.
22:59Goodbye, everybody.
23:00You too.
23:01It's the respect for women that just shines out, isn't it?
23:09Well, I can't see how the Peppa Pig dad is a worse role more than
23:13before.
23:14Also this week, Melania Trump has unveiled this year's Christmas
23:18decorations at the White House.
23:19Oh, yes.
23:20The themed Christmas trees have been a tradition since the 1960s when
23:23Jackie Kennedy was inspired by the Nutcracker or, as is better known,
23:28Lee Harvey Oswald.
23:35Too soon?
23:41All right, guys.
23:42Fingers on buzzers.
23:43Fingers on buzzers.
23:44Oh, yeah.
23:45Right.
23:46Is the fact that it's a young person significant?
23:52It is.
23:53This is the news that Gen Z do not like Christmas traditions.
23:58In particular, they are not on board with sending Christmas cards.
24:01Ooh.
24:02Is this you, Finn?
24:03Yeah, no, I'm Muslim.
24:09Sending Christmas cards has become more expensive.
24:12One woman told the BBC that to send Christmas cards,
24:15she needed a mortgage.
24:16She needed a mortgage.
24:17It's not the mortgage that's the problem, it's the stamp duty.
24:19Ooh.
24:20Ooh.
24:22Don't you moan at me.
24:25In related news, what do Gen Z not like about the office?
24:29They don't like going there.
24:30Very good.
24:31Yeah.
24:32They don't like having to speak to humans.
24:34This is...
24:35This is according to...
24:36That's everyone, is it?
24:37Born at a certain time.
24:38Yeah.
24:39Everybody, I see.
24:40Do you agree, Finn?
24:41Yeah.
24:42Even when I was talking to Ian about Sedge, I was like,
24:43I wish this was just chat to your PT.
24:45I felt the same.
24:47Yeah.
24:48Yeah.
24:54This is some research by Trinity College London that says,
24:5638% of Gen Z fear making small talk in the office.
25:00Does this count as work chat for you?
25:01Are you OK?
25:02Are you...
25:03I really want to get on my phone.
25:07Do you like small talk?
25:08Well, yeah, I do, actually.
25:10Oh, I like the interaction thing.
25:12Also, as a vicar, it's kind of lubricant for everything.
25:15LAUGHTER
25:24Should have seen that one coming, shouldn't you?
25:26You're making it worse.
25:31On the subject of the church, what does God like about Christmas?
25:34The tinsel.
25:35The sound of a biro on a gift aid form, I dare say.
25:38That's a good answer.
25:42That's a very good answer.
25:45Well, according to the Dean of Salisbury, God is also a fan.
25:48Oh, yeah, and Christmas jumpers.
25:50Absolutely.
25:52This is the very reverend Nicholas Papadopoulos,
25:54who writes that while Christmas jumpers are tasteless,
25:57God is tasteless too.
26:01Finally, what special treat have supermarket Aldi released for Christmas?
26:05Is it their new advert?
26:07It's actually dog mince pies.
26:10To be clear...
26:11Made out of dogs.
26:12LAUGHTER
26:14That's lovely.
26:15The other way round.
26:16Mince pies for dogs.
26:18Oh, sorry.
26:19Which is actually how they went down with their taste testers.
26:21Yeah, yeah.
26:22I mean, they literally couldn't give a shit.
26:25Muslim dogs.
26:26LAUGHTER
26:27I don't think that's photoshopped in, though, because those dogs would not be looking away from the mince pies.
26:36No.
26:37Unless they're disgusting.
26:38Have you ever known a dog...
26:39LAUGHTER
26:40This is where you turned up.
26:41This could be Zach Polanski sitting there.
26:42LAUGHTER
26:43I bet he wouldn't say I used to give a shit to my dog.
26:45LAUGHTER
26:46You know, vote green.
26:47Time now for the odd one out round.
26:48Just one between you this week.
26:49Your four are...
26:50Robert Kennedy's wrote poems to a woman who's now an ex-lover of his and they were pretty awful.
26:53Uh, Ryan Giggs, when he wasn't knocking on the door.
26:54Uh, I bet he wouldn't say I used to give a shit to my dog.
26:56LAUGHTER
26:57You know, vote green.
26:58LAUGHTER
26:59Time now for the odd one out round.
27:01Just one between you this week.
27:02Your four are...
27:03Robert F Kennedy Jr, Lord Byron, Ryan Giggs and the Taliban.
27:07BUZZER
27:09LAUGHTER
27:10Go ahead.
27:11Poetry.
27:12Oh!
27:13Poetry.
27:14Robert Kennedy wrote poems to a woman who's now an ex-lover of his and they were pretty awful.
27:18Uh, Ryan Giggs, when he wasn't knocking off his brother's wife, was writing poetry.
27:21LAUGHTER
27:22Um, I love you like no other.
27:24Watch out, here comes your brother.
27:26LAUGHTER
27:31Lord Byron, of course, famous as a poet.
27:33Mad, bad and dangerous to know.
27:34So I imagine they've all had poems printed or published or wrote poems
27:38and the Taliban have banned poetry, must be the answer.
27:40Absolutely.
27:41A specific type of poetry.
27:43It's love poetry.
27:44It is love poetry.
27:45It's a romantic poetry.
27:46It's not all poetry.
27:47I mean...
27:48I'm just saying, cos we're behind and we need the points.
27:50LAUGHTER
27:51Masha'Allah.
27:56Yeah, this was an uncharacteristic display of cultural authoritarianism by the Taliban.
28:01Their vice and virtue department are enforcing a new poetry law which prohibits depicting
28:06improper desires, worldly love or inappropriate emotions as well as any criticism of their Supreme
28:13leader.
28:14Uh, Hibertullah...
28:15Oh, my God.
28:17LAUGHTER
28:18Hang on.
28:19Uh, Hibertullah...
28:20You see, this is why women aren't allowed to speak in public.
28:23LAUGHTER
28:24Oh, the pressure.
28:25They don't mind.
28:26They're very liberal.
28:27LAUGHTER
28:28As well as any criticism of their Supreme leader, Hibatullah Akhansada.
28:39To be fair, though, that is a right pain to rhyme with, that one, isn't it?
28:42Yeah.
28:43Um...
28:44Throw...
28:45Throw the stones harder.
28:46LAUGHTER
28:47If it's in Akhansada.
28:48APPLAUSE
28:49Who has US Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. been writing poetry for?
28:54He was an ex-lover of his.
28:55Mm.
28:56I think her name was Emily something.
28:57It's Olivia Nuzzi.
28:58Oh, right.
28:59I thought it was Typhoid Mary.
29:00LAUGHTER
29:01They had an affair, allegedly, in 2023.
29:03Yeah.
29:04And the poetry has been published as a revenge.
29:06Could you read it out?
29:07Because I've read it and...
29:08I can't.
29:09LAUGHTER
29:10I'm a red-blooded fella.
29:11Sorry about the rubella.
29:12LAUGHTER
29:13Here we go.
29:14I am a red-blooded fella.
29:15Sorry about the rubella.
29:16LAUGHTER
29:17APPLAUSE
29:19Here we go.
29:20I am a red-blooded fella.
29:21Sorry about the rubella.
29:23LAUGHTER
29:24APPLAUSE
29:25Here we go.
29:26I am a red-blooded fella.
29:27Sorry about the rubella.
29:28Here we go.
29:29I am a river.
29:30You are my canyon.
29:31I mean to flow through you.
29:33I mean to subdue and tame you.
29:35LAUGHTER
29:37We've got Ryan Giggs.
29:38He loves poetry as well.
29:39Oh, yeah.
29:40Oh, no.
29:41Anyone know any of his lines?
29:43His famous...
29:44His famous penned romance?
29:46I wept off her bra, but it's on VAR.
29:48LAUGHTER
29:49How did he do?
29:51This is so good!
29:53LAUGHTER
29:55This is during a trial in 2022.
29:58Jurors at Manchester Crown Court were tormented, effectively,
30:02with these poems that he wrote to his ex-girlfriend, Kate Greville.
30:05Here's one of them.
30:06I'm going to end by saying,
30:08You are my love, my friend, my soul.
30:11Do you want to guess what comes next?
30:13What rhymes with soul?
30:14Yeah.
30:15LAUGHTER
30:16Back of the net, I've scored a goal.
30:18LAUGHTER
30:19It's actually...
30:20And most of all, you believe in me, which makes me feel as hard as a totem.
30:25LAUGHTER
30:26Oh!
30:27Oh!
30:28LAUGHTER
30:29LAUGHTER
30:31LAUGHTER
30:33LAUGHTER
30:35They usually have, like, faces and figures sticking out of it.
30:38LAUGHTER
30:39In his love poetry, Giggs described his penis as being as hard as a totem pole,
30:43which presumably means he couldn't bend it like Beckham.
30:47LAUGHTER
30:48Time now for the missing words round.
30:50We are starting with...
30:52..surprise as curtains from royal residence...
30:55What?
30:56Reveal Fergie stitched inside.
30:58LAUGHTER
31:00Surprise as curtains from royal residence to be turned into Christmas stockings.
31:05Here are the stockings from Sandringham Estates.
31:08The King's curtains were originally white, but Camilla's clearly allowed to smoke indoors.
31:13LAUGHTER
31:14Finally, 20-foot-tall naked man what?
31:18Finds out he's not actually invisible.
31:21LAUGHTER
31:22Surprise is a woman looking out a second-floor window.
31:25LAUGHTER
31:27Says it just looks small cos I'm big.
31:30LAUGHTER
31:32This is...
31:34..this 20-foot-tall naked man terrorising Wigan once again.
31:39LAUGHTER
31:40This is after being previously banned by the council.
31:42The 20-foot golden statue is back.
31:44Here it is.
31:45Um...
31:46The owner of the statue says he's put it back up to spread some Christmas cheer.
31:50LAUGHTER
31:51I mean, I don't know about the ding, but that dong is merrily on high.
31:54LAUGHTER
31:55Which means the final scores this week are...
31:58Ian and Finlay have three.
32:00God!
32:01Paul and Richard have six.
32:02APPLAUSE
32:07But before we go, there is just time for the caption competition.
32:11Ian and Finlay, you've got this.
32:13LAUGHTER
32:14Man arrested for breaking into every house in the world.
32:17LAUGHTER
32:19APPLAUSE
32:21Paul and Richard, you get this one.
32:25I can't help but feel I've wasted my life.
32:28LAUGHTER
32:31On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and Finlay Christie,
32:36Paul Merton and the Reverend Richard Coles, and I leave you with news that at a work dinner,
32:42one employee helps a visiting colleague locate spicy McNuggets on the venue.
32:48LAUGHTER
32:50On the set of the new Harry Potter series, Prince William meets the goblin operator and one of her gnarled and wizened animatronic creatures.
32:59LAUGHTER
33:03And outside a Moscow underground station, one commuter regrets asking a busker for stairway to heaven.
33:09LAUGHTER
33:11Good night.
33:12APPLAUSE
33:13The man, the myth, the moustache.
33:26Defrosted and ready for action, Mammoth is back for our new series.
33:29Press red to watch now.
33:30And fresh from his faithful exploits in the castle, listen to Joe Marlow We'll See You Now.
33:35A new podcast now on BBC Sounds.
33:38APPLAUSE
33:40MUSIC
33:46MUSIC
33:48MUSIC
33:49MUSIC
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