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01:30I think this is it.
01:33Oh, pull the tape gently so you don't rip it.
01:36Wrapping paper doesn't grow on trees.
01:38Well, technically.
01:43Mom's thriftiness taught me to be an expert wrapper and unwrapper.
01:47Thanks.
01:52This year, I only had one thing on my list, and I couldn't wait to get my hands on it.
01:57Are you still gawking at that catalog page?
01:59It's not just a page.
02:01This is a Gemini Home video game console with dual command joystick and two cartridges.
02:06When I was a boy, you'd be lucky to get an orange.
02:09The critch men believe that it's the thought that counts.
02:12As in, a penny for your thoughts.
02:14Seven.
02:16I came from a long line of scrooges.
02:1911, 12, 130.
02:22What do you want, child?
02:24Well, uh, it's Christmas, sir.
02:28Humbug.
02:29I hate Christmas.
02:31So what do you want?
02:33A yo-yo, a spin top, or a kick up the arse?
02:36No, sir, I'd like a Gemini Home video game console, sir.
02:42I do have a very special gift.
02:46Merry Christmas.
02:54I don't know, Mark.
03:02Video game is a pretty big gift.
03:03Guess we'll see what Santa says.
03:07The critches were cheap, but luckily, Mom was only a critch by marriage.
03:11Well, I'm too old to believe in Santa, but I have nothing but faith in you.
03:17Nice try.
03:20Whoa, your father's doing his cards.
03:26Dad did his Christmas cards the way most people did their taxes.
03:29Dad?
03:30Well, we got a card from Tony in Fort McMurray.
03:34Oh, nice.
03:35He's got the diabetes.
03:36Pass me the masking tape, will you?
03:37The cards brought updates from far-flung friends and family that you didn't really know anymore.
03:42Like analog social media.
03:44So, I wanted to ask you something.
03:46We never got a card from Aunt Tilly this year.
03:48But we did get a card from Leo in New Jersey.
03:52Good.
03:53He says Tilly hasn't been feeling very well.
03:57So, Leo, alive.
03:59Tick.
04:00But Tilly, going to have to mark her down as missing and presumed dead.
04:06Boy, there's less and less cards every year.
04:08Maybe I could bring by the girl I've been seeing?
04:10I'd really like for you guys to meet her.
04:13I don't know, Mike, boy.
04:15Christmas is a very busy time.
04:17There's a lot on the go.
04:18It's not a good time to be having people over.
04:20See, that's kind of what normal people do.
04:22They have people over at Christmas.
04:25Why don't you just bring her to Mass, hey?
04:27You mean Midnight Mass?
04:28Yeah, yeah, sure.
04:32I think I need to tell you, though, she's...
04:35Mike?
04:36What?
04:37Where's Jesus?
04:39I had the right hand of the father.
04:41I can't find the baby Jesus.
04:45What is a nativity without a baby Jesus?
04:48It's just a group of strangers standing around a barn with Pac-All to talk about.
04:52He's not under the couch.
04:54Why don't you just buy another one?
04:55You can't just buy a baby Jesus.
04:59They don't sell them by the each.
05:02That's how they get you.
05:03Yeah, you've got to buy the whole damn set again.
05:06Bloody Vatican Mafia.
05:09What's wrong with him?
05:13How about this?
05:15Yeah, that'll do.
05:17Yeah, pop him in.
05:22It's kind of cute.
05:23Nothing said Christmas like the church raffle.
05:27The big prize was a chance to win one of two live turkeys, named after VOCM personalities.
05:33Us kids were made to dress up as a living nativity to shake the last few Christmas coins from folks and put the fun in orphan.
05:40Two for fifty, five for a dollar.
05:43Two dollars for one, three for five.
05:45Number 317 is the winner of the hind quarter of moose from W.J. Murphy's.
05:51Number 317.
05:52One thing I'd learned that year, it's hard to find a baby Jesus.
05:56Come on now, my lovelies.
05:57We've got 25 cents holding up the wheel here.
06:01Don't care.
06:02Look, Mike boy.
06:09He's got your legs.
06:12You look delicious, Mike.
06:16Come on, lighten up.
06:18It's Christmas, hmm?
06:20Think of the look on Mark's face when he opens that gift, huh?
06:24Won't be long now until he's big like Mike.
06:27Well, at least we always have pop.
06:30Donations?
06:33Donations for the orphanage?
06:34We don't even have prizes.
06:36We can't compete.
06:37Baby Jesus wants a bag of chips.
06:40Frig off.
06:40We've got chips at home.
06:41You can't show the baby Jesus to frig off.
06:44Bye.
06:45I need some change.
06:47Isn't it for charity, sister?
06:48Yes, it isn't.
06:49Charity begins at home.
06:51Round and round and round it goes.
06:56Where it stops, only dick don't be nose.
06:58And the winner of Dick the turkey is number 7272.
07:10I've got it.
07:12We have winner, over.
07:14Hey.
07:16Yeah.
07:17We'll have it slaughtered and delivered to you for the big day, pops.
07:20Can't clean your own turkey, hey, Pat?
07:22Yeah, of course I can.
07:25No, no, well, I'll take it as is.
07:28Yeah, I'll kill my own turkey.
07:31Sure, Pat, bye.
07:32Ever done that before?
07:34Have I ever done that before?
07:37Yeah.
07:37I'm not a soft townie like you.
07:39Oh, wow.
07:44Oh, no.
07:45Ah, this is good.
07:47My hinting worked.
07:48Mom agreed to put the game on layaway at consumers distributing.
07:52You flip through a catalog, wrote down what you wanted on a slip of paper with a tiny pencil,
07:56and they'd bring it to you.
07:57Like analog online shopping.
07:59Gemini Gaming System.
08:01Sweet gift.
08:01I've been a very good boy, and I'm exceptionally good at guilty mom.
08:06Next.
08:08Okay.
08:10Gemini Gaming System, please.
08:12Ah, yeah, we're all out of those.
08:13It's practically Christmas.
08:14My mom has it on layaway.
08:16Mary Critch, you're picking up?
08:18No.
08:19She just wants to visit it.
08:23I'm getting an Omnibot.
08:25I see it on TV.
08:26It goes forwards and backwards.
08:29I've always wanted a robot butler to serve me drinks.
08:32Cool.
08:33Yep, you'd have to pour the drink yourself first and then put it on the tray, but still, very cool.
08:42Right.
08:43Sorry, it's not there.
08:45Impossible.
08:46Check again, please.
08:48Next.
08:49You know what this means, right?
08:51She already picked it up.
08:52The gaming system is hidden inside your house.
08:56Right now.
08:57If you could find it, you could play it when they're not home.
09:00They'd never know.
09:04Well.
09:09Pop.
09:11You can't keep that thing in the house.
09:13Kill it.
09:15No, it's too soon.
09:16I mean, you have to gain the trust of the animal before you kill it so that they feel safe.
09:22And then the meat will stay nice and tender.
09:25I share a bathroom with four men.
09:27I'm not sharing one with a turkey.
09:29The turkey's in the tub.
09:32I mean, if you want more privacy, then just pull the shower curtain and crop.
09:35It's supposed to be a cold one, so bundle up the answers if you plan on coming and bring your letters for Santa.
09:53There was only so many hiding places in a house this size.
09:58But Mom was clever.
10:00He's asking kids to line up along Common Road Avenue at noon on Sunday.
10:04The last place I'd expect.
10:07Level one, complete.
10:24My mother taught me how to carefully unwrap gifts, and I was using that power for evil.
10:30Since my parents never went out, the only way to play my game was when they were asleep.
10:38I zapped and jumped long into the night.
10:41And well into dawn, when it would be game over if I got caught.
10:52Visions of Mario danced in my head.
10:54The whole family was heading out to Midnight Mass.
11:01The house would be empty, and I had a date with a barrel-throwing gorilla.
11:05Dad?
11:05Damn it!
11:07Until he's alive!
11:08Isn't that a good thing?
11:09Not what I've already sent a sympathy card.
11:12This is a disaster.
11:15You know what?
11:16I love Midnight Mass more than anyone.
11:18But I think someone should stay behind and watch the turkey.
11:22You know, give it a last meal before it becomes one.
11:25You go ahead.
11:27I'll know you now.
11:28You're going.
11:29We all hate Midnight Mass.
11:31That's the point of it.
11:32You have to have some misery Christmas Eve so you can appreciate the joy of Christmas morning.
11:37You're going.
11:42Pleased to hear of your survival.
11:47Pop, it's Christmas for your need.
11:50No more excuses.
11:50Shh.
11:51Very sensitive.
11:53Got on a special diet.
11:55White wine.
11:56I'm marinating from the inside.
11:59No mass for you.
12:00You were staying here until you killed that turkey.
12:02No mass?
12:03Can I kill it?
12:04Do you want to?
12:05No.
12:06Pop's going to do it.
12:08What?
12:08By the Lord, Diane, if I comes home and that turkey is still breathing, I swear to God,
12:15you will be the one getting stuffed in the morning.
12:17Come on.
12:18Let's go.
12:18Come on.
12:19Come on.
12:19Come on.
12:21Come on.
12:21Come on.
12:22Come on.
12:23Come on.
12:23It goes to friggin' mass.
12:25you have the most beautiful feathers regal almost and yet you can't even fly
12:46god can be cruel plucking oh it's so barbaric
12:53i wonder what if i could use this
13:01don't look at me like that that's the way my wife used to look at me
13:14oh you're too wild for this world girl way too wild yeah there you go beautiful there
13:30there that's nice that's lovely come on girl you can't stay here come on i don't want you
13:36here anymore go go get john go
13:44joy to the world the lord is come let earth receive her king let every heart prepare him room
14:09and heaven and nature sing and nature sing and heaven and nature sings
14:18he rules the world with truth and grace and makes the nation prove
14:25mike is that girl pregnant what
14:31ah sure just a little bit of christmas weight what'd she eat the baby jesus
14:39let us celebrate the virgin birth that changed the world let us gather and praise on the arrival
14:54of an unexpected baby that gave us all life i'm gonna friggin kill him the body of christ
15:02a ray of hope flickers in the sky the body of christ
15:10a tiny star lights up way up high
15:16the body of christ
15:18whatever was going on with mike was making midnight mass feel like a funeral
15:24the body of christ
15:31the body of christ
15:34the body of christ
15:35sails the seven seas
15:38the winds of change
15:41amen
15:42whisper in the trees
15:45and the walls of doubt
15:50crumble tossed and turned
15:53what the frig mike
15:55i thought you told them about me
15:57i did
15:58when a child is
16:00yeah okay i didn't but
16:02i was going to i swear
16:04you're embarrassed to me is that it
16:06oh god no
16:07well i'm embarrassed
16:08she's looking at me like i'm gonna steal her purse
16:11come on that's my mother
16:12and i'm your girlfriend
16:13sometimes soon
16:15he wants me to stay that way you can't be hiding me no more
16:18all across the land
16:21dawn's a brand new
16:23well at least you put her coat back on
16:24okay
16:25what's happening
16:27nothing
16:28none of your business
16:29what's going on
16:32nothing
16:33none of your business
16:34i've never seen my brother pray before
16:47but even i was throwing out a few hail marys for him tonight
16:58that was a nice mess
16:59i am too young to be a grandmother
17:01i thought we raised you better than this
17:03okay okay
17:04look linda's having a baby
17:05oh
17:06a christmas miracle
17:07the truth
17:08it's not mine
17:09oh thank god
17:10well hang on
17:11what are you doing with her if it's not yours
17:13well
17:14her ex was a jerk
17:15he dumped her
17:16and then we started dating
17:17and
17:18look i like her
17:19she didn't even know that she was
17:21you know
17:22until we went out
17:23sneaky hussy
17:24no
17:25no no no it's not like that
17:26we're more friends than anything
17:29look we haven't even
17:30no
17:31haven't even said
17:32never you mind
17:33this is not your responsibility
17:35i'm not gonna dump her just cause she's pregnant
17:37she needs me
17:38she needs a child's father
17:40look
17:41home
17:42oh it's pretty with all the lights mom
17:44joseph wasn't jesus's real dad
17:45what if mary dumped him
17:47i swear to god
17:48have you lost your mind
17:49take a look at her
17:50there's no virgin birth
17:51and i am not gonna be wiping the arse of somebody else's young
17:55you can forget that
17:56oh god
18:00oh
18:01you killed dick
18:02you killed dick
18:05oh god
18:06oh god
18:07oh god
18:08i can't sleep after hosing down the driveway
18:22sure i could wait another few hours but i was on a roll
18:26oh god
18:29oh god
18:30get it
18:31Mark!
18:35Oh, very sweet!
18:39Oh, I love you!
18:43I love you!
18:47I love you!
18:49Mark!
18:51Oh!
18:53Oh!
18:55Mark!
18:57Oh, very sweet!
18:59Oh, Merry Christmas, honey.
19:03I know you've been waiting ages to play that thing.
19:06Hey, no opening presents until everyone's off.
19:09Well, come on, hook it up. Let's see what all the fuss is about.
19:12All I wanted for Christmas now was a nap.
19:14Maybe later.
19:16You don't like it?
19:18No, I just...
19:19Queen's Christmas message is coming on.
19:22Yeah.
19:28Good God!
19:30Left on all night, the game had burned itself into the screen.
19:34High score.
19:35Merc.
19:37The evidence was as clear as the lines on the Queen's face.
19:41I've been playing it.
19:42At night, when you've been asleep.
19:44Do you know what it meant to be able to give you that this year?
19:48I was excited to watch you open it!
19:50Well, I hope it was worth it,
19:52because you get the TV shined up for good now!
19:55Sorry, my God.
19:57I didn't...
19:58Video game with no television to play it.
20:01Well done, O'Henry.
20:04My parents had worked hard to give me the one thing I wanted,
20:07and all I gave them in return was a busted television.
20:11I had been selfish.
20:12I only thought of myself.
20:14I was a Scrooge.
20:16I was a Scrooge.
20:20Mmm.
20:21Oh, my God, that turkey's some tender.
20:24Yeah.
20:24You know why?
20:27It's because she was loved.
20:29Well, I think it's because Mom tenderized it.
20:32Sucking up won't help you.
20:40What's this?
20:42It's a Christmas card.
20:44From Linda.
20:45The turkey had been replaced by an elephant in the room.
20:49Can't we just have a nice supper?
20:52Just please.
20:59Ow, baby Jesus!
21:06Baby Jesus.
21:07Mom, Dad, I'm sorry.
21:19I acted like a dumb kid this Christmas.
21:23You should return the game and put the money towards getting the TV repaired.
21:27It's the right thing to do.
21:29Very mature, you son.
21:30We'll figure it out.
21:40We always do.
21:48Here.
21:54Gifts can be fun.
21:57But Christmas is about family.
22:00Those who aren't with us anymore.
22:09Mmm.
22:11And those who aren't here yet.
22:14This is it.
22:14Glorious world of radio.
22:20It's the thought that counts.
22:22And sometimes, it's the only thing that matters.
22:30Who knows the same thing that matters.
22:32Let's see.
22:36You.
22:40I am a master.
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