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Burns and Allen were an American comedy duo consisting of George Burns and his wife Gracie Allen. They worked together as a successful comedy team that entertained vaudeville, film, radio, and television audiences for over forty years.
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00:00From Hollywood, the George Burns and Gracie Allen show for Hormel and Spam.
00:10Crazy people.
00:19Spam, re-bop, boom, Spam.
00:22George Burns and Gracie Allen.
00:25Art of show and his orchestra.
00:26A singing glee with a smoothie street.
00:30Last but not least with the Heaston.
00:32Last but not least with the Heaston.
00:35Last but not least with the Heaston.
00:36Last but not least with the Heaston.
00:37Last but not least with the Heaston.
00:38Last but not least with the Heaston.
00:39Last but not least with the Heaston.
00:41Last but not least with the Heaston.
00:43Thank you very, very much.
01:08Tonight, ladies and gentlemen...
01:09Oh, George, where's Gracie?
01:10She's not here.
01:12Tonight, ladies and gentlemen...
01:13George, can you do a show without Gracie?
01:15Certainly I can do a show without her.
01:16Do you think I need Gracie?
01:18Certainly, bud.
01:18He needs Gracie about as much as Dorothy L'Amour needs a sarong.
01:24Oh, yeah?
01:25Well, listen, I happen to have a lot of talent and...
01:27Well, I'll answer you later.
01:29Hello?
01:30This is Stan's meathead, Gracie.
01:32I'm speaking.
01:33Gracie, where are you?
01:34We're doing a broadcast and you're supposed to be here.
01:36I couldn't get down on account of my granddaddy's very sick.
01:39He was on the floor all last night and we're awfully worried.
01:43He was on the floor?
01:44Yes.
01:44What about the bed?
01:45Well, we couldn't use that.
01:46We had a party here last night.
01:48Where could we put the hats and coats?
01:52Well, Gracie, where's your granddaddy now?
01:56He's down in the kitchen with a temperature of 105 and we're all...
01:59He has a temperature of 105?
02:00Yes, and we're...
02:01Well, why'd you got him in the kitchen?
02:03Well, he's defrosting the icebox.
02:09Your granddaddy's in the Frigidaire?
02:11For seven hours.
02:13Well, aren't you afraid he'll freeze?
02:14Oh, that's impossible.
02:15Every hour we open the Frigidaire and ask him if he's cold.
02:18He doesn't ask us.
02:19Look, uh...
02:23Gracie, we're doing a broadcast.
02:25Well, that station I must listen in.
02:27Well, never mind.
02:29That's a smart idea, putting a man with a temperature in the Frigidaire.
02:32I suppose to cure him, they'll put an ice pack on his head and a hot water bottle on his feet.
02:36Oh, George, all they need to use is a can of Spam.
02:39Can of Spam?
02:40Sure.
02:40Cold or hot, it hits the spot.
02:41Oh, yes, but you're a regular Dr. Kildare.
02:46Look, everybody, not that I need Gracie, but I think we ought to go over to Gracie's house and do the broadcast.
02:52Might make an old man happy.
02:54Well, if it's going to make you happy, George, let's go.
02:58Oh.
03:00Quiet.
03:01Bueno, podemos hacer una cosa.
03:02Yo tengo un carro nuevo.
03:04Oh, he's back again, folks.
03:05Yes, Getopla, I know.
03:07What is it, Senor Lee?
03:08Why don't you drive down in my car?
03:09I just got a brand new Rooster.
03:11A Rooster?
03:14Si, Senor.
03:15A car made by General Motors.
03:20It's not General Motors, it's General Motors.
03:22Oh.
03:22A mother is, well, for example, when you were a baby, who combed your hair?
03:27That's what I'd like to know.
03:29The part isn't straight.
03:31Well, quiet.
03:32Come on, everybody.
03:33We've got to get to Gracie's house.
03:40Oh, well.
03:42Here we are at Gracie's house.
03:43I'll ring the doorbell.
03:45George, you better knock on the door.
03:46The bell doesn't work.
03:48Well, this is the house, all right.
03:52Oh, hello, George.
03:54When did you get here?
03:55Well, I give up.
03:56Hello, everybody.
03:59Gracie, do you know that you're not all there?
04:00I know.
04:01I just had my tonsils removed.
04:04Tonsils removed?
04:05That annoys me.
04:06That's all I've got.
04:13Say, Gracie, what's the matter with your granddaddy?
04:15Oh, he doesn't take care of himself.
04:17He inhaled cigars.
04:19Well, what's wrong with that?
04:20Well, most people just inhale the smoke.
04:24Look, Gracie, you'll have to excuse me if I run away just before the broadcast is over.
04:28Well, you see, I've got a date with a little redhead, and she won't wait.
04:31Well.
04:32A redhead?
04:33Say, Poopsie, how do you get all these gals?
04:35Well, why shouldn't he?
04:35George is a good dancer.
04:37He's a swell dresser.
04:38He's romantic.
04:38Spends lots of money.
04:39Continue on our next page.
04:40Artie, don't read that part.
04:43Well, come on, everybody.
04:46Right through this long...
04:47Gracie, Gracie, what is this?
04:48You've got barbed wire on the banisters?
04:51Well, you know, my granddaddy likes to slide down the banisters.
04:54Oh, I see, and that stops him.
04:55No, it doesn't stop him, but it slows him down a bit.
05:00I think I know what you mean.
05:03It is.
05:04It isn't.
05:04It is.
05:04It isn't.
05:05It is.
05:06No, it isn't.
05:08Who are they?
05:14Oh, they've been living here for over a year.
05:16Well, who are they?
05:17I don't know.
05:20Gracie, you know, this house is filled with imbeciles.
05:22Well, I'd better tell granddaddy you're all here.
05:26Well, never mind that.
05:27We'd better start the broadcast.
05:29What's tonight's program about, George?
05:31It's about Thanksgiving.
05:32What's that?
05:34What's that?
05:35Look, Gracie, as far back as you can remember,
05:37what always happened in November?
05:40Roosevelt was elected.
05:49Well, I'll try to explain it to you.
05:50All right.
05:51You see, in 1620, the first Americans arrived in a new land to make a fresh start.
05:55They decided to build looms.
05:58And do you know one of the first things they did?
06:01They applied for FHA loans.
06:05FHA loans didn't come until 300 years later.
06:08Well, you've got to go through a lot of red tape before you get the money.
06:11Anyway, these people, these people were called Puritans.
06:16What's that?
06:17What's that?
06:18Didn't you ever read of those people who suffered and were punished in stocks?
06:22Oh, in 1929, some of my best friends were Puritans.
06:25Well, anyway, these people were so grateful for finding the freedom in a new country
06:32that they killed a turkey and called it Thanksgiving.
06:34Oh, what a cute name for a turkey.
06:38And the custom still remains.
06:39Even today, we chop the heads off turkeys.
06:41How can you knock off all their heads at once?
06:44A turkey only has one head.
06:46Then where do all the necks come from?
06:49Last year, my sister got a neck.
06:51My brother got a neck.
06:51My uncle got a neck.
06:52Oh, well, this is the end.
06:54That's the part my daddy got.
07:03Gracie, I've never seen a house like this.
07:05People walking around and nobody knowing them.
07:08And there's furniture.
07:09What kind of furniture is this?
07:10Well, it comes from the Hollywood Furniture Company.
07:12Yeah, but what about the period?
07:14Oh, pardon me.
07:15It comes from the Hollywood Furniture Company, period.
07:19Yeah, that's what I meant.
07:20Oh, say, Gracie, where's your kitchen?
07:22I want to get a spam wipe.
07:22Oh, Bud, we haven't got any spam in the frigid air.
07:25No spam in the frigid air?
07:27Not in the frigid air.
07:28Spam doesn't need any refrigeration.
07:30Oh, shucks.
07:31I forgot.
07:32I'll hate myself in the morning.
07:34Oh!
07:36Oh!
07:37Oh!
07:39Oh!
07:43What, uh, what's that?
07:44That's my granddaddy.
07:46He's sliding down the banister.
07:51He's sliding down a barbed wire banister?
07:54Well, he does it 20 times a day, and the doctor told him to stop.
07:58Well, I imagine he would.
08:00Sure.
08:00Bad first heart.
08:04Well, I hope the kid makes a three-point landing.
08:07It is.
08:07It isn't.
08:08It is.
08:09It isn't.
08:09It is.
08:10It isn't.
08:14Gracie, these fellas have been living in your house for over a year, and you don't know
08:17who they are?
08:18That's right.
08:18Well, why don't you ask them?
08:20I don't talk to strangers.
08:23Well, this is some house.
08:24George, I'd better go and find granddaddy and give him his medicine.
08:27You see, he hasn't got a nurse anymore.
08:29Oh, he had a nurse, huh?
08:30Yes, and the only way he'd take his medicine was when the nurse would kiss him after every
08:34teaspoonful.
08:35It was awful stuff.
08:37Bitter, huh?
08:38No, he hasn't any teeth.
08:47Well, let's get this over with.
08:48All right, let's find your granddaddy and give him this medicine.
08:51Boy, what a house.
08:52I've never seen.
08:53Hey, sound man.
08:54Four years in Harvard.
08:55Why are you sitting out in the hall all by yourself, soaking?
08:57A big Harvard-Yale game this year, and I won't be there.
09:01Well, why don't you go?
09:02Not after the sad experience I had last year.
09:05There I was at the stadium.
09:06It was the last quarter.
09:07The score was nothing to nothing.
09:09Just as Yale was making a touchdown, somebody stuck a gun in my back and held me up.
09:14Well, there were millions of people there.
09:15Why didn't you yell?
09:16What?
09:16And have them think I was rooting for Yale?
09:22Well, come on, Gracie.
09:23Hey, George, George.
09:25When you meet this little red-headed girl tonight, why don't you take her to the Follies
09:27Berger?
09:28It's a swell show.
09:29Ah, those girly shows are all the same, Artie.
09:31Take away their feathers and their little umbrellas, and what have you got?
09:35High blood pressure.
09:38Oh, quiet.
09:39Well, here's granddaddy's room.
09:41Well, look, Gracie, before we all go in, what's the matter with your granddaddy?
09:44Well, we really don't know.
09:45In the middle of the night, we heard strange noises, and we ran into granddaddy's room,
09:49and there he was, shaking all over.
09:51He was shaking all over?
09:52Yes.
09:52Well, what did you do?
09:53What did we do?
09:54We sent for a doctor.
09:55Well, what did the doctor do?
09:56Well, you took the Madame Lozonga record off to the troll, and we all went back to sleep
09:59again.
10:01Kid has probably got lumbatism.
10:06Hiya, Grace.
10:07Hiya, Grandpa.
10:09Well, what's the matter, Grandpa?
10:11Don't you feel well?
10:12No, Georgie boy.
10:15Say, hand me that picture of Hedy Lamar on a sleeping tablet.
10:18Well, I can't find Hedy Lamar's picture.
10:23Do you want the, do you want this one of Anne Sheridan?
10:25No, I'm saving her until I feel better.
10:27Yahoo!
10:30Well, wait, Grandpa.
10:31Look in this closet.
10:32It is.
10:33It isn't.
10:34It is.
10:34It isn't.
10:36I can't say this.
10:38Gracie, can't somebody else in your family give them the medicine?
10:40I've got a date with a little redhead.
10:42Well, my mother's at her sewing club, and my daddy went downtown to vote, and my brother...
10:46Your daddy went downtown to vote?
10:48Yes, and my brother...
10:49The election was over two weeks ago.
10:50I know, but my daddy's a Republican, and he never gives up.
10:59Listen, Gracie, try to understand this.
11:01I've got a date with a girl.
11:02I can't stand this.
11:04I can't stand this.
11:04Senor Burns, look out.
11:05Don't get excited.
11:06You'll break a blood weasel.
11:09Don't worry about me.
11:11And besides, you said that wrong.
11:12Oh, pardon me.
11:13Don't get excited.
11:14You'll break a blood weasel.
11:16Well, that's much better.
11:20Say, buddy boy.
11:21What is it, granddaddy?
11:23Buddy boy, would you mind reaching into that coat pocket and getting me a cigar?
11:27Oh, what coat, grandpa?
11:28The one George is wearing.
11:31There aren't any cigars in my pocket.
11:34You mean you didn't get anything with that suit?
11:37Huh?
11:38That was a pretty good one, corny.
11:39Oh, quiet.
11:40Even if I did have a cigar, if I did get a cigar with it, why should I give it to you?
11:46You're the tightest old man I ever met.
11:48You never gave anybody anything.
11:50Oh, Judge, you shouldn't say that to my granddaddy when he's so sick.
11:53He gave you something.
11:55When did he ever give me something?
11:56Tonight.
11:57What did he give me?
11:58The measles.
11:58The measles?
12:05I know that.
12:06I know that, Grayson.
12:07But if your granddaddy had the measles, he shouldn't have kept it a secret.
12:11He didn't.
12:12He's been spreading it all around.
12:15Why do they ever go into this crazy house?
12:21Grayson, what's that?
12:24She's practicing up in the attic.
12:26Who's practicing?
12:26My grandmother.
12:28Your grandmother?
12:29Gracie, will you tell your grandmother to stop?
12:31We can't continue talking if she's going to make all that noise upstairs.
12:35This is the craziest house.
12:36Listen to that.
12:38Beat, beat, beat, beat, beat, beat.
12:42Meat, eat, eat, meat.
12:44I say there, lady, when a shopping you go, here's some news that you should know.
12:50Help me out, George.
12:51I've gone this far.
12:52I'll beat it out, bud.
12:54A to the bar.
12:54Spam is the meat that you should buy.
12:57Spam is different, and here is why.
13:00We use pork shoulder to make Spam sweet, and the ham it takes for extra good meat.
13:05The extra good flavor that you get in Spam got there, folks, because we added ham.
13:10Hormel started this new kind of meat, seasoned it then, and made it grand to eat.
13:16I say, Senor Burns, serve Spam for lunch.
13:18This delicious meat is good to crunch.
13:21Look, Senor Lee, it's crunch, not crunch.
13:24Crunch, crunch.
13:25Crunch, crunch.
13:26You'll buy it all the time if you try it once.
13:29To get the real thing to put on your table, look for this sentence on the Spam can label.
13:34Pork shoulder meat with ham meat added.
13:37Proof that Spam is really different.
13:40My, my, my, that doesn't fit.
13:42Yeah, that's right, Gracie.
13:43That's the worst one yet.
13:45Nothing is just like Spam, my friend.
13:47And so with this, our poem ends.
13:50When a shopping you'd go, tomorrow, ma'am, ask for S-P-A-M Spam.
13:59Slice it.
14:00Dice it.
14:01Fry it.
14:03Bake it.
14:04Cold or hot.
14:06Scram hits the spot.
14:15Look, George, if there's a possibility of you having the measles, I wouldn't keep that date with that redhead.
14:19Well, don't worry about me, Artie.
14:21I'm going out right now and get myself inoculated.
14:23Well, why do it tonight?
14:24Why don't you wait until New Year's Eve?
14:29Look, Gracie, inoculation prevents sickness.
14:31You see, millions of germs can live on the head of a pin.
14:34How can they eat that stuff?
14:37They use a knife and fork.
14:38Oh.
14:39Well, I'm going to get out of this house before.
14:40It's too late.
14:46Hold on there, mister.
14:48Where do you think you're going?
14:49I'm going out, officer.
14:50Why?
14:50Oh, no, you're not.
14:51Nobody leaves this house.
14:52It's quarantined.
14:53But I'm George Burns.
14:54I haven't got anything.
14:55I've heard you on the air, brother, and you ain't kidding.
15:03Let me tell you something.
15:05Get back in there.
15:05Oh.
15:08Well, this is a fine thing.
15:10And I've got myself...
15:10Oh, look who's there.
15:11Hello, George.
15:12Are you back from your date already?
15:14Did you meet that girl?
15:14Did you care, sir?
15:15Gracie, I was stopped by a cop.
15:19Oh, that's what always happens in those park cars.
15:24I knew you'd understand me.
15:25Once I was in a park car with the freshest fellow, and you know what he said to me?
15:28Will you be reasonable?
15:30That's what he said to me.
15:33Oh, stop.
15:34That's what I said to him.
15:37Gracie, I didn't even get out of the door.
15:38There's a cop outside.
15:40He says your house is quarantined.
15:41He's crazy.
15:42It's duck-o.
15:44Well, never mind.
15:45I'll see you later.
15:46I've got to keep this date.
15:49I wonder where this door leads to.
15:51Oh, wrong door.
15:52Isn't that silly?
15:57The broom closet.
16:00Oh, look who's there.
16:01Hello, George.
16:02When did you get back?
16:03Did you have a nice time with the little redhead?
16:05Gracie, Gracie.
16:06I was in the broom closet.
16:08Oh, her husband came home, huh?
16:12Look, I'm trying to get out of this house of yours.
16:14Well, I've got an idea.
16:16Let's do what they do in the movies.
16:18Now, I'll tie this bed sheet around you and let you out of the window.
16:21Say, that's not a bad idea.
16:22Here, put it around me right here.
16:23Oh, then I'll tie this end of the bed.
16:25All right.
16:26All ready, George.
16:27Climb out the window.
16:29Well, here I go.
16:32Ouch.
16:34Gracie.
16:35Gracie.
16:36What?
16:36What part of the bed did you tie it to?
16:38The pillow.
16:39The pillow?
16:42Hey, you birds.
16:43I told you the place was quarantined.
16:44Now, get back in that house.
16:47Well, look who's there.
16:48Hello, George.
16:50Are you back from the date already?
16:52Did you have a nice time with a little redhead?
16:53See, I was...
16:54I almost killed myself.
16:55I just went through that window.
16:57Oh, her husband came home again, huh?
17:00You know, you could use another ounce of brain.
17:03Uh-uh, not me.
17:04I'm overweight now.
17:06No matter where I go, that cop is there.
17:08I wish he'd stick to his beat.
17:10Stick to his what?
17:11Beat.
17:11Beat.
17:12Meat.
17:12Meat.
17:13Spam is the meat that you should eat.
17:15Spam is the meat that you should eat.
17:17Try.
17:17I know that, but we've done it before.
17:20This poetry is going from bad to verse.
17:22Oh.
17:25It's just a little slip.
17:27Look at me.
17:28I'm filthy.
17:29How can I get washed up?
17:31Just keep on telling those jokes, brother.
17:35Gracie, where's the washroom?
17:37Right down the hall.
17:38You can't miss it.
17:39It's the one with the gasoline pump in front of it.
17:43Gasoline pump?
17:43Sure.
17:44My grandmother's a tourist, and we like to make her feel at home.
17:49Well, I'll go in there and get cleaned up.
17:53It is.
17:54It isn't.
17:54It is.
17:54It isn't.
17:55It is.
17:55Wait a minute.
17:56Wait a minute.
17:57All you guys have been doing is arguing.
17:58What are you arguing about?
17:59I claim this Thursday is the real Thanksgiving, and Joe says it isn't.
18:03Well, it isn't.
18:03It is.
18:03It is.
18:04Oh, take still.
18:09Gracie, I've got to get out of here.
18:10Well, George, why don't you go up on the roof and slide down the drain peep, and then
18:16when you get to the yard...
18:17The drain peep?
18:18Yeah, when you get to the yard...
18:20The drain peep?
18:22Oh.
18:22Oh, pardon me.
18:23I was Senor Lee last night.
18:25Oh.
18:27Keep on going out with him, and you won't be able to speak English.
18:30Senor Burns, when you say that, smile.
18:36Smile?
18:36Yes.
18:37S-M-E-L-L.
18:38Smile.
18:39Smile.
18:40That smell.
18:47You're perfect.
18:50Oh, please.
18:51Everything happens to me.
18:52Here, I've got a date with a girl.
18:54I'm all messed up.
18:55I scrape my nose.
18:56Oh.
18:57What a pickle.
18:58Looks more like a banana.
19:00Oh, yeah.
19:01Well, my face happens to be all right.
19:03Doesn't bother me.
19:04Maybe that's in account of you're standing behind it.
19:07Yeah, maybe.
19:09Well, I've just got to get out of here.
19:10Mr. Burns.
19:11What is it, sound man?
19:11Just look at this goldfish bowl.
19:13It's a rhapsody in glass.
19:15It's made of pure quartz silicate.
19:17Time like this, you've got to impress me with this education.
19:20There must be some way out.
19:21Say, sound man, what happened to the goldfish that were in that bowl?
19:24Ask me, what did you do with those goldfish?
19:27Forgive me, Miss Ellen.
19:27I couldn't help it.
19:28Once a Harvard man, always a Harvard man.
19:31Well, there must be some way out of here.
19:34Say, sound man, I don't mind you're eating the goldfish, but Tom Harmon is going to get
19:38pretty angry.
19:39Why, Tom Harmon is that great Michigan football player.
19:42Well, it's also the name of our cat.
19:43You call your cat Tom Harmon?
19:47Well, yeah, that's an account of every time he gets loose, he makes ten yards.
19:57Say, wait a minute.
19:58Why didn't I think of this before?
20:00Gracie, where's the chimney?
20:01Oh, right there.
20:02Well, goodbye, everybody.
20:04Goodbye.
20:04I'm going up the chimney.
20:05Bye.
20:05Bye.
20:05Bye.
20:05Bye.
20:07What a guy will go through it for a woman.
20:10Well, here it is.
20:12I'm out.
20:13There's the blue sky.
20:14Blue sky?
20:15Nothing.
20:15That's my uniform, you see.
20:16Get back in there.
20:17Oh!
20:25Oh!
20:26Oh!
20:27Oh, look who's here.
20:28Hello, George.
20:28You're back in the day.
20:29Quiet!
20:30Quiet!
20:30Quiet!
20:31Quiet!
20:33Well, but I'm certainly in a fine mess.
20:35Oh, George, I just found out my granddaddy hasn't got the measles.
20:39Well, good.
20:39Now I can go and meet out of Redhead.
20:40Oh, yeah, then you can say hello to my granddaddy, because he went there, too.
20:43Good night, all.
20:44Good night, all.
21:02Join us again next week, same time, same station, for another Burns & Allen show with Artie Shaw
21:07and his orchestra and the smoothies.
21:09Until then, this is Bud Heaston reminding you to remember that cold or hot, spam hits the spot.
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