- 2 days ago
First broadcast 2nd January 2000.
How did a dead body crawl up the stairs? That is the question Jonathan has to answer to stop a man going insane.
Harry Peacock - Floyd Goodman
Clifford Barry - Joe Wheeler
Nina Sosanya - Karen Blaine
John Bennett - Frank Geiger
Alan Davies - Jonathan Creek
Caroline Quentin - Maddy Magellan
Stuart Milligan - Adam Klaus
Hattie Hayridge - Lizzie Gillespie
Cavan Clerkin - Sidney Australia
John Bird - D.I. Nathan Gallo
Deni Francis - Researcher
Jonathan Ross - Jonathan Ross
Lee Ingleby - Derek Spratley
Stuart Muirs - Drunken Man
How did a dead body crawl up the stairs? That is the question Jonathan has to answer to stop a man going insane.
Harry Peacock - Floyd Goodman
Clifford Barry - Joe Wheeler
Nina Sosanya - Karen Blaine
John Bennett - Frank Geiger
Alan Davies - Jonathan Creek
Caroline Quentin - Maddy Magellan
Stuart Milligan - Adam Klaus
Hattie Hayridge - Lizzie Gillespie
Cavan Clerkin - Sidney Australia
John Bird - D.I. Nathan Gallo
Deni Francis - Researcher
Jonathan Ross - Jonathan Ross
Lee Ingleby - Derek Spratley
Stuart Muirs - Drunken Man
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00.
00:30So this is it, Frog Hollow.
00:52No sign of life. No car or anything.
00:55You know my theory about Geiger? The guy's not human.
00:58He probably turned himself into a bat or something and flew here.
01:01It's not so funny, Joe, when you're standing in a place like this.
01:06Come on.
01:28I see you ignored my instructions.
01:33I see you ignored my instructions about coming alone.
01:43I see you ignored my instructions about coming alone.
01:59Me and Karen are in this together.
02:03So if you've got a problem with that...
02:05If I've got a problem, Floyd, I'll find a solution.
02:10But now she's here, maybe she can warm us all up.
02:18We're out of coal.
02:24You left to improvise.
02:27So, you hit the island.
02:38The first thing you're going to do is ring a man named Cordia.
02:42On this number.
02:46As soon as you get back with his stuff, you ring me, okay?
02:49To say everything's fine.
02:50I'll call our friend in Amsterdam and we'll send someone over to make sure it's all fucker.
02:56A handover will take place here.
02:59And that's when you'll get your pocket money.
03:05Questions?
03:08Nah.
03:09I'm just thinking.
03:11If we had the big money man's number, we could ring him up ourselves.
03:14So if you were not a bother...
03:15You need that sense of humor, Wheeler, when I decorate the ceiling with your brains.
03:21Oh, my gosh.
03:51I don't know.
04:21Ha, ha, ha, ha.
04:26Ha, ha, ha.
04:29Keep your hands off her.
04:44That's okay, Floyd.
04:47He was strictly hands-free operation I didn't mind.
04:53Hey, listen, Frankie, now steady.
05:08You want to cut out the middleman, right?
05:12Go over my head.
05:13Come on, no.
05:14I just...
05:15Or maybe I'll go over your head.
05:17Maybe I'll go right through the bone of your greedy little skull.
05:20I need you to just scowl.
05:27Oh, God!
05:30Oh, God!
05:31Oh, God!
05:32Oh, God!
05:44Oh, God!
05:48Oh, God!
05:49Oh, God!
05:50Oh, God!
05:51Oh, God!
05:53Oh, God!
05:54Oh, God!
05:55Oh, God!
05:56Oh, God!
05:57Oh, God!
05:58Oh, God!
05:59Oh, God!
06:00Oh, God!
06:01Oh, God!
06:02Oh, God!
06:03Oh, God!
06:04Oh, God!
06:05Oh, God!
06:06Oh, God!
06:07Oh, God!
06:08Oh, God!
06:09Oh, God!
06:10Oh, God!
06:11Oh, God!
06:12Oh, God!
06:13Oh, God!
06:14Let's go.
06:44What are you doing?
06:48What are you doing?
06:49No one's going to find me up.
06:52That's what you said.
06:56God, I wasn't human.
07:00Let's get the hell out of here.
07:14Let's get the hell out of here.
07:44How ever did you track this down?
07:45I could lie and say the internet, but I actually had to trudge round every bookshop in New York.
07:49Have you ever seen this guy?
07:51He does a two-hour show, nothing but card manipulation.
07:54Makes him fly around the room, chop candles in half.
07:57It's riveting.
07:59See this, Adam?
08:00Ricky Jay.
08:01Let me add to the birthday honours, Jonathan, with a little token of my own that I think will make your day complete.
08:12A boxed set of Adam Klaus Sparhtime products.
08:16The key to merchandising is to distinguish between the tacky and the tasteful.
08:20Now, see, you've got your magic foaming crystals.
08:23Flannel for my face.
08:25Oh, I suppose you could use it anywhere.
08:26But, hey, that's for later.
08:28Tonight I thought we could all hit the town somewhere and celebrate.
08:30Now, anywhere you want to go, my treat.
08:32Really?
08:33Now, ladies and gentlemen, making a welcome return to the trick joint.
08:47Will you put your hands together, please, and pray for Lizzie Gillespie?
08:52Woo-hoo!
08:52Woo-hoo!
08:56I'd like to try something a little bit different tonight.
08:59Who's got to be kind enough to help me?
09:01Sir, I'd like you to pick one of these out for me, please, at random.
09:08Peel it, show the audience, don't let me see, and put it back again, any way you like.
09:17Now, how much would it blow your mind if I was to show you it has completely vanished?
09:23Now, put your hand in your left pocket, and whatever loose change you're having there, place it on the table.
09:35And tell me, Sarah, is that your banana?
09:38Is it bollocks?
09:39Now, put your hand in your right pocket.
09:42That's it.
09:43And open it.
09:48You may now applaud.
09:54What kind of dumb-ass act was that?
09:57I've seen horse shit that was less full of horse shit.
10:00It's called subverting the form.
10:01It's what keeps any kind of culture alive.
10:05And with all the rubbish, you get fresh ideas.
10:07It can be very exciting.
10:11Well, there's nothing funny about cold fingers.
10:14You should get some heating in this place.
10:16You will confirm there's nothing irregular about it.
10:19The dolly has not been interfered with in any way.
10:22And all right, what if I did?
10:24She was hot for it.
10:25So now, we place the doll inside the casket.
10:29And when I take my hands off the box,
10:32I want you, please, to cleave it cleanly in two.
10:39Get that way off the box, you bratty!
10:43Crank, it's the taunt of case!
10:46God, take it out of the way!
10:47Oh, my God, she's okay with someone.
10:49Help me get her on her back!
10:50No, that's the worst thing you can do.
10:51She could have broken her neck.
10:52You'll paralyze her for life!
10:54She's probably just fainted.
10:55She's not exactly underweight.
10:56I tell you, this is classic cardiovascular.
10:58See how her face has gone blue.
10:59What, under the blue lights, you mean?
11:01Look, I'm going to turn her over.
11:02Brilliant.
11:02So now she's a cabbage.
11:04You know how to do this?
11:05It's just a question of firm rhythmical pressure on the breastbone.
11:08You don't press it there!
11:09You press it here with both hands!
11:09Oh, yes!
11:10Yes!
11:11All right, thank you!
11:13I think we've established the cantaloupes nice and fresh.
11:16It wouldn't last five minutes
11:17if you're not fapping around me, you useless articles.
11:21Oh, great.
11:21See, you were just...
11:23Trying to scare the shit out of everyone, yeah.
11:27Hysterical, wasn't it?
11:30Sorry, I think I've had my fill of this lot tonight.
11:33So, what do you reckon?
11:34Back to my place, blow out your candles.
11:36Yeah, well, there's a couple more acts, actually,
11:38I wouldn't mind hanging about for.
11:40If you two want to split.
11:41OK, well, come back whenever.
11:44I'll still be up.
11:45And while you're giving me a lift,
11:47you can explain what you meant by not exactly underweight.
11:50Are you Jonathan Creek?
11:56Sorry?
11:57My name's Karen Blaine.
11:59I can't talk to you.
12:01Could you spend a few minutes?
12:02Thanks.
12:32Look, if you're saying this is about a murder, I think you should be talking to the police.
12:37The police were there. They saw it. We all saw it. God help me, I never want to see anything
12:44like it again. It's like Joe was right. He wasn't human. So what the hell was he? Okay,
12:59order of events. I was working in this pub as a barmaid, and that's where I met him. Floyd
13:09Goodman. For three years he'd been a professional boxer, but it hadn't worked out. It wasn't
13:15much in his life had worked out. I don't know, two of us just seemed to click. There were
13:22three of them used to hang around this betting shop next door. Floyd, this other guy Joe,
13:28Geiger, who I mean you just knew was pure evil. Well, it turned out he had these connections,
13:38drug dealers, who needed a couple of innocent-looking tourists to fly out to Haiti and bring some
13:44stuff back. How we found that place, God only knows. This derelict old farmhouse that you could
13:54feel something horrible was going to happen the minute we got there.
13:56Oh, God! That's amazing!
13:58Of course, Joe had never trusted Geiger. Who would? But now he had his book with the numbers.
14:00Once we got back from the Caribbean, he was going to start dealing with Geiger. Who would? But now he had his book with the numbers. Once we got back from the Caribbean, he was going to start dealing with
14:06them direct. The big boys on the continent. Except he never got back, did he?
14:13He came to the pick-up. I don't know. The police must have had a tickle.
14:15The big boys on the continent. Except he never got back, did he? He came to the pick-up. I don't know. The police must have had a tickle.
14:20Oh! Go, go!
14:28Go!
14:29Go! Go, go!
14:31Oh, oh!
14:45Gah!
14:51Floyd and me, by some miracle, managed to get clear.
15:02For a couple of months, we just went to ground,
15:05till it was safe to move.
15:08Of course, that's when the rot set in with Floyd.
15:10It only took a couple of locals filling his head
15:15with all that voodoo and witchcraft stuff
15:17to convince him that Joe's death was Geiger's revenge
15:22from beyond the grave
15:24and that he was next.
15:33I don't know, it just totally seemed to turn his brain.
15:36By the time he got back last week,
15:40he'd decided the whole thing was a mistake.
15:43He was just going to go to the police,
15:45tell them everything and hope for the best.
15:49I said if that's what he wanted,
15:50of course I'd stick by him, but...
15:52Oh, God, if I'd known what it was going to lead to.
15:59To check out our story, they took us back there
16:01to Frog Hollow.
16:06This is exactly how you left it three months ago.
16:14And I locked the door
16:15and threw the key in the river.
16:19So...
16:20So...
16:29So...
16:33So...
16:33Oh, my God.
17:03I'm telling you, when Frank Geiger went in that cellar, he was a dead man.
17:25With six bullets in his head and not a trace of a heartbeat.
17:28The room was empty. There's no way that door had been opened.
17:33For God's sake, tell me, how can a corpse crawl up a flight of steps?
17:39Well, if that's it, then I'll be getting back.
17:41Look, please. I can prove to you this is on the level.
17:46They've remanded Floyd in custody, me on bail, for what happened.
17:50He's halfway to losing his mind over all this.
17:54Geiger's spirit's still out there. He's convinced.
17:58Undead. Like some kind of zombie.
18:02And sooner or later, he's going to come for him.
18:04I just heard maybe you were someone who could...
18:10Oh, go on then. Piss off.
18:13I should never have troubled you.
18:14Look, I know you're still up. What the hell is this all about suddenly?
18:27Now, you can open this door.
18:29I know damn well you can hear me...
18:30Ah, what have we here?
18:49Shortlisted for best male TV illusionist, Grover in a house on the 23rd.
18:53Amazing.
18:57You wouldn't think that was possible, would you?
18:59It's like he says, it's the same principle as a hurricane driving a blade of grass into an oak tree.
19:04Shortlisted.
19:05Which could mean they still haven't made a decision.
19:07You know, you could use this for your after-dinners.
19:09It's basically all in the wrist action.
19:11Yes, with my luck, I take a few toupees off en route.
19:14Oh, talking of wrist action, Jonathan Ross called this morning.
19:17Seems I agreed to do his new talk show at a rather drunken bar mitzvah last week.
19:21I wonder if I should just cancel.
19:23The guy's so goddamn hip and subtextual with the audience.
19:26It's like the last time I went on, he said two words.
19:29I can't remember what they were, and the whole place fell about laughing.
19:31Nice suit, I think, wasn't it?
19:33Right.
19:34I mean, what is that? Some sort of code?
19:36On the other hand, you never know, make a good impression,
19:38some of those magic awards people might be watching.
19:41Oh, hey, that's right.
19:43And do you know what carries a hell of a lot of weight with those guys?
19:45Is my extensive charity work.
19:47Which, okay, if he insists on asking me about,
19:50but it's not something I like to do a big number on, you realize?
19:52Fine, no problem.
19:53Don't get me wrong.
19:56I'm not trying to dictate Jonathan's agenda.
19:58I just happen to believe, and would this be true of all my peers and colleagues,
20:01that with success and wealth comes responsibility?
20:06That ultimately, virtue can be its own reward?
20:11I, uh, just a breakdown of my unpaid appearances for the year,
20:15which, uh, for deep background, whatever.
20:17Jonathan Crick.
20:28Oh, at last.
20:30I've been trying to get you all morning.
20:32Assuming you saw me go off with that woman last night
20:34to explain what that was actually all about.
20:37I know, I know.
20:38It was just me being a complete arsehole again, sorry.
20:40So, do you want me to come over, go through it?
20:44Uh, I suppose I could be there for...
20:48What is it now?
20:501329, just gone.
20:53Half one.
20:54Great.
20:55Had a bit...
20:59So, you think I killed him?
21:03I only killed a part of him.
21:05The part you can see.
21:11A guy like I can't be destroyed.
21:14I mean, we've seen what he can do.
21:18Even when he's dead.
21:19Floyd, you've got to pull yourself together.
21:23I know that's hard.
21:25It's like we're all really freaked out by this, but...
21:28There's some people here who...
21:31Maybe if we just...
21:32At night is the worst.
21:33When he tells me what he's going to do to me.
21:38To you, if at all.
21:43I don't want to know, Karen.
21:46What I have things he says.
21:50I wouldn't let him harm you for anything.
21:55You're the only thing that's keeping me sane.
21:57So, I think you see our problem.
21:59Not exactly.
22:01What did he mean about what he'd do to her if he talked?
22:05Talked about what?
22:07Look.
22:09If you can explain to me...
22:11How a man who's certifiably dead...
22:13Whose brain is in 27 pieces inside his skull...
22:17Could have hauled himself up to the top of those steps...
22:19Then I don't deny it would assist my digestion.
22:25But I also have to look at the bigger picture here.
22:28Which is?
22:30Frank Geiger...
22:31Was the contact point for a major drug dealer operating out of Amsterdam.
22:35The guy whose name and phone number were in that notebook?
22:38Which just made life difficult has now gone missing.
22:41Police in Haiti couldn't find it...
22:42Either on Wheeler's body or anywhere in his belongings.
22:44Maybe he memorised the contents and destroyed it.
22:48We don't know.
22:50The one piece of evidence that would have led us straight to our man.
22:54But then...
22:56As we were driving out to this haunted farmhouse...
23:00Whatever the hell it is...
23:02It hits me.
23:04One thing we're all forgetting.
23:07There was another copy of that name and number.
23:10The one which Wheeler wrote down.
23:12That guy got grabbed back and stuffed in his pocket.
23:16Well...
23:17It had to still be there, didn't it?
23:19It had to still be there, didn't it?
23:20Yeah.
23:43Yeah
23:45Go on!
23:45Yeah
23:45Yeah
23:46So, there's another riddle to add to our collection.
23:58Sorry, Miss Blaine, could you hand me that soccer report behind you?
24:01Maybe someone managed to switch it somehow.
24:17What, for an exact duplicate that was completely blank?
24:20So, returning to your question,
24:23our friend downstairs is the one person still alive
24:26who saw what was written in that notebook.
24:28And anything he can give us, a name, half a name,
24:31he'll be a staff.
24:32Inspector, what's he going to tell you, the state he's in?
24:35You've seen the effect all this has had.
24:38I swear to you, we're losing him.
24:40It's like this power, or whatever it is,
24:44is slowly starting to take over.
24:47And I'm just scared that, unless we do something,
24:51we're not going to get him back.
24:53Now, do you have a coin I could borrow?
25:02Maybe among all that loose change you carry in that right-hand jacket pocket there?
25:07Oh.
25:08Well, I never thought I'd be saying this on network television.
25:10I really didn't feel the banana going in.
25:12OK, how about the other one?
25:17I think I see where you're going now.
25:18You want me to unzip and see if I recognise what's inside.
25:21In case you're wondering, ladies and gentlemen,
25:22you're watching George and Mildred on UK Gold.
25:25And there we have it.
25:26And you may applaud.
25:27They may applaud.
25:28I don't know if they will.
25:29But, oh, yes, there you are.
25:30We're in a generous mood.
25:31So, what is all this?
25:31You're getting a bit off the wall in your old age?
25:33Well, you know, I like to subvert the form a little now and again.
25:37Yeah, with my act.
25:39Adam, let me ask you, and I suppose I should, about the girlfriends.
25:42Because there have been an awful lot of them,
25:44and they do all seem to crop up in the act.
25:46What's the deal with this?
25:46This is like the sorcerer's apprentice?
25:48You start with just one, you saw her in half, and she keeps on dividing?
25:50Well, something kind of like that.
25:52OK.
25:53Let me ask you about something I know you do take seriously.
25:55Your charity work.
25:56Oh, well...
25:57Come back!
25:58Because, for example, in the last year,
26:00I know you've been involved in a lot of very deserving causes.
26:02Shame, shame on you.
26:05I can't believe you can just do that.
26:06You're complete and total arsehole.
26:08Just sit there and rip off someone's material like that.
26:12I tell you, this man couldn't toss for England.
26:15He's such a body.
26:16You should all walk out, all of you, in disgust.
26:20Now, I invite you to follow me through this...
26:23Oh.
26:32Just one long, endless merry-go-round, isn't it?
26:55Coming out with you in a car.
26:56Let's take a shortcut.
26:58We'll save half an hour.
26:59Right.
27:00So the grass is a little bit more moist than I expected.
27:02Moist?
27:03We're driving here through the great Grimpen Mire.
27:06What in...
27:06What?
27:11No, I was just thinking those new pink extensions really suit you.
27:15It's in, baby.
27:25So, we know from all the post-mortem stuff, Geiger was definitely dead when they chucked him down there.
27:30How do we know someone hadn't got in?
27:32Using a second key or whatever.
27:35Repositioned the body and then barricaded the door up again afterwards.
27:38If I had to break that thing into pieces to get it out, if that cupboard hadn't been moved, I'd swear it.
27:44All right.
27:44There was another way into the cellar.
27:46Police have been over every inch of it.
27:47Didn't find so much as a mouse hole.
27:49Fine.
27:50Just checking, then.
27:51It is completely and utterly impossible.
27:53I'd hate to think we've got a case here that was beneath your superhuman powers.
27:57He who knows absolutely everything.
28:00Is this still about that witch doctor song?
28:04Jonathan, as far as I'm concerned, the subject's closed.
28:07You seem so cocksure of yourself.
28:10Ooh, ee, ooh, ah, ah, bing, bang, walla, walla, bing, bang.
28:14Ooh, ee, ooh, ah, ah, ding, dang, walla, lolla, Don Lang.
28:19What are you on about Don Lang?
28:20Don Lang was the bloke who sang it.
28:22In your dreams, that was Charlie Drake.
28:25At no point in history did Charlie Drake sing my friend the witch doctor.
28:30He goes to see the witch doctor because his boomerang won't come back.
28:33That was my boomerang won't come back.
28:35It's a completely different song.
28:36There isn't even a witch doctor in it.
28:39God, I wish we'd never got onto the subject of voodoo in the first place now.
28:44You'd argue black was blue.
28:48What?
28:51What are you saying?
28:53I just thought there'd be some sort of police presence there still.
29:00Evidently not.
29:01Oh, come on.
29:11So, all right, how about the writing on that paper was done in some kind of special ink,
29:15designed to fade away before anyone could see it.
29:18The dead body was obviously dragged up the steps using, I don't know, a rope or some wire that was fed underneath the door.
29:24Motive for it all, obviously, is to turn our ex-boxer guy into a gibbering wreck so he'd be too scared to go to the pillage.
29:31Oh, Will, you just slowed down.
29:34Stop thinking with your mouth for a second.
29:36Give your brain a chance to function.
29:39How are you going to connect a rope to a body through a cupboard and a locked door?
29:43Why would Wheelie use disappearing ink in his own notebook?
29:46If I wanted to keep Floyd quiet, I wouldn't have got a bullet in his brain.
29:52You've got to clear your mind and obviously's.
29:56Let it all bed in.
29:59And observe.
30:03What's that?
30:04I don't know.
30:06Or cigarette card.
30:07So, OK, then.
30:13Into the bowels of hell.
30:29See what they meant about the stench of death in this place?
30:33That'll be me.
30:34I'm wearing Calvin Klein's stench of death, parfum de toilette.
30:39After you.
31:04You know, I'm not just saying this because of the other night, but something about that Karen woman keeps niggling at me.
31:24It's like that thing you say about when you know you've spotted something odd, but you can't for the life of you work out what it was.
31:35Hopefully it'll come to me.
31:36I tell you, I'll change your perspective on all this when you actually get here.
31:46It's like spending the night in the chamber of horrors.
31:49You can see how you could very easily lose your grip on reality.
31:53You'd be sitting on Sir Dennis Compton there by any chance, would you?
31:57Fresh air.
31:58Probably what we need.
31:59Oh, that's all right.
32:02There he is.
32:04Hiding in the corner.
32:07Jonathan, you appear to be taking leave of your senses.
32:09Possibly, but I'll just put a live slug in my mouth.
32:12No.
32:12What have you found over there, anyway?
32:32Quite enough, I think, to confirm we're not dealing with any zombies or witchcraft here.
32:37In fact, I have to say, this is as fascinating a solution as I think I've ever come across.
32:43You know what?
33:09I'm just being dumb about this.
33:10The whole thing was probably cut and dried weeks ago.
33:13It's like, if you've won, you always know.
33:17Always.
33:17I've heard that said so many times.
33:19Harry!
33:20How you doing?
33:22Adam.
33:23Listen, what can I say?
33:24You pipped me to the post, you old rascal.
33:25But it couldn't have gone to a nicer guy.
33:28The Magic Awards.
33:30Well, you hadn't.
33:31Well, that's the little whisper that's been going around, so...
33:34But you didn't hear it from me, okay.
33:37Anyway, just wanted you to know I'm thrilled.
33:40Okay.
33:42Bye.
33:44So it's not him.
33:48Remember, honey, left wrist under right, you create your slack, then reverse the two loops
33:51counterclockwise, and the thumb knot should just spring open.
33:53Louisa!
33:54What's happening?
33:56It's Adam.
33:57Listen, don't bother him if he's busy.
33:59I just want you to give that husband of yours a great big wet kiss from me and tell him
34:04I still love him.
34:08Adam Klaus.
34:09No, you hadn't heard.
34:11The Magic Awards.
34:13A little bird tells me you'd be cracking open that bottle of champagne on Sunday.
34:17Well, hey, you better believe it.
34:20And no sour grapes.
34:21Just you say to him, I'm thrilled.
34:24Okay.
34:26See you there.
34:27Bye.
34:29Interesting.
34:31Well, who knows?
34:33Theory may be wrong.
34:35I mean, no one's been told anything.
34:36Hi.
34:37Is that the very wonderful Deborah Cadabra?
34:41Your fellow nominee, Adam Klaus, here.
34:43Just ringing to say congratulations.
34:45Congratulations.
34:45Well, you know, you're welcome.
34:53So when did you hear?
34:54A couple of weeks ago?
34:56Uh-huh.
34:58No, of course.
34:59Not officially till the night.
35:02Well, I just wanted you to know.
35:05You know.
35:07I'm thrilled.
35:10Okay.
35:11Bye.
35:14Deborah Cadabra!
35:16Can you believe they're giving best male illusionist now to a drag act?
35:19And I'll tell you, what he's got under his kilt wouldn't fill a Twinkie wrapper.
35:24Yeah, because we were just saying, weren't we?
35:26It's funny there wasn't someone here.
35:28What, with everything that's happened?
35:29Well, I've just been trying to radio in, but I think my battery's packed up.
35:33And I haven't got anybody coming to relieve me until five.
35:36I mean, you talk about feeling cut off.
35:39Derek Spratley.
35:41This ain't a place you want to come to for a picnic, I'm telling you.
35:44You've got international drug barons and God knows what operating out of here.
35:49You know there's a bloke they've just found in the cellar?
35:51Yes, we know.
35:52Brain had been mashed to a pulp.
35:53Three months he'd been down there.
35:54So he had.
35:55Six bullet holes in the head.
35:58Just stay put, they said, and keep your eyes peeled.
36:00Who knows what they've got stashed away in here.
36:04And if they come back for it, we'll have them, which is all very fine.
36:07But I'm the one that's got to man the fort when the cast of Goodfellas suddenly turns up.
36:11Yeah, well, we're not going to get very far without any assistance now, so...
36:16Where's your phone?
36:17Oh, um...
36:20Still in the car.
36:21Sorry.
36:23I put it in the glove compartment when we...
36:25Sorry.
36:26I put it in the glove compartment.
36:56So what are you saying?
37:08They think this might have been used as more than just a meeting place?
37:11There might be drugs still.
37:13Stored on the premises.
37:15Yeah.
37:16But they wouldn't risk coming back for them now, would they?
37:19Now the police are around.
37:22Depends how desperate they are, I suppose.
37:24You've just...
37:25Oh, dear God.
37:38So how long ago did he call you?
37:40It's got to be a good two hours.
37:42So you saw this guy prowling around outside, thought he could well be armed.
37:46Odds are it's been sent here by our Dutch friend to do a final sweep at the premises.
37:50Take care of anything that's still there shouldn't be, who knows?
37:55Certainly not the sort of man you want to mess with.
37:57You want to go in by some subtle means, get her ass and yours out ASAP, then leave the rest to us.
38:23I think we're too late.
38:26I think we're too late.
38:27OK!
38:28Listen up out here.
38:30Important things you should know.
38:34I'm not a real policeman.
38:36I'm also not a very nice person.
38:40The people I work for don't pay me to be nice.
38:46Last count, I killed 11 people.
38:49And we can make it 12.
38:52The decision's yours.
38:56Or you can back off away from that jeep.
38:59All of you, get right back!
39:06I'll watch me drive the hell out of here.
39:09Once I'm clear, then I'll release her.
39:12How do we know that?
39:13You're right.
39:14I may still kill her.
39:15It's not much of a gamble, really, is it?
39:18Shit.
39:18What are you doing?
39:28Get up!
39:30Get up!
39:31All right.
39:33No sharp moves from anyone.
39:38You.
39:40The footcoat.
39:42Come on!
39:44You're going for a ride.
39:45Get ready to fire.
39:53And keep your hands up.
39:55Up over your head where I can see him!
39:57If you'd missed, I'd be dead.
40:26I did.
40:28I was aiming for his balls.
40:30What about Furry Lewis?
40:32You like his stuff?
40:34Or Catfish Blues we could do.
40:36Well, we could open with that.
40:38No, no, no.
40:38It's only three chords.
40:40Okay, well, listen.
40:41I'll see you guys there.
40:42Sunday at 6.
40:43Yeah, you got it.
40:46What's this?
40:47A new career?
40:47Ah, the rough-tuned lament of the Mississippi Delta Madeline.
40:55Still does it to me every time.
40:57Just as Woody Allen always shuns the allure of Hollywood on Oscars night to play jazz in a humble New York pub.
41:03So I shall be giving a very wide berth this Sunday to the meaningless bun fight known as the British.
41:10Magic Awards.
41:12Right, absolutely.
41:13Who needs them?
41:14Ah, the man of the moment.
41:17Well, that last little inquiry seems to have locked it all up now.
41:21So I think we can go back to Detective Inspector Gallo and put this one to bed.
41:25Okay, I'll get my coat.
41:26Oh, did I just hear you talking to Adam about the Magic Awards?
41:30Yeah.
41:31Why do I get the feeling he knows he hasn't won?
41:34On the contrary.
41:35They're presenting him with a special Lifetime Achievement Award, which is all totally hush-hush, okay?
41:40So for God's sake, don't go blurting anything out to him beforehand.
41:44Oh, thank you.
41:46As if.
41:47Oh, hey, did I leave a bottleneck on that Cervante?
41:51Come again?
41:52Sorry, a finger slide for the guitar on that hidden shelf there.
41:56Oh, right.
42:06Got you.
42:16Okay.
42:17Seeing as Mr. Creek has managed to pull us all back from the edge of insanity, so...
42:22Floyd, are you hearing me?
42:28Karen?
42:29Didn't I say?
42:30They'd sort this all out for us?
42:32The problem all along here, Floyd, was the demons were in place before you'd even started.
42:39You've already got this guy pegged as something out of Hellraiser 3.
42:42Someone you can't write off, maybe, even when they're dead.
42:45And if anyone was dead when you sealed off that cellar, it was Frank Geiger.
42:50So when you come back, find his corpse at the top of the steps, clawing at the door.
42:55What else are you going to think?
42:56There's got to be some kind of force at work here.
43:00A force so evil and unholy, it can not only cause a dead man to rise up from the floor, but three cigarette carts as well.
43:10And a force which, for reasons best known to itself, can cause writing to miraculously vanish from a piece of paper.
43:23Yes, I think you must begin to see now where all this is heading.
43:27A river bursting its banks.
43:55An unstoppable tide that by the next day had flooded the valley, flooded everything and its path.
44:25Of course, the state of that place, you're talking about a cellar that hadn't been watertight in years.
44:46And week by week, the level would have slowly dropped.
44:54But of course, Geiger didn't.
44:55And that's what took the ink off.
45:00All that water soaking through the paper.
45:03You're on the level with all this.
45:06Well, summer came, it all dried out.
45:09Not entirely, as we discovered, but conditions apparently can get pretty bad there.
45:14It's just no one's ever around to find out.
45:16Saving the odd hit man and drug dealer.
45:19Frog Hollow, as we now know, served as their main rendezvous point and storage facility.
45:25And though we're now building up quite a nice collection of dead underlings downstairs,
45:29it's not taking us any nearer than the man at the top.
45:32But you saw his name that time.
45:34And nothing's going to happen.
45:35You know that now if you tell them.
45:37Is that right?
45:38It'll help his case.
45:40Get you off, hopefully, with a suspended, sir.
45:43And then it'll be like you and me, yeah?
45:46Just like before.
45:50Okay.
45:51Well, it was something like...
45:56I know it began with an M.
45:58Was it...
46:00Mondrianne?
46:03So there we are.
46:05Nice happy ending all around.
46:06What do you say, Inspector?
46:09Except...
46:09What's he going to do, do you think?
46:12When he finds out?
46:14I'm sorry.
46:15That his girlfriend's a copper.
46:20I'm sorry, I'm not quite sure.
46:22But who do we think it was tipped off the police when they were busted in Haiti?
46:26By some miracle, they managed to escape.
46:28I wonder how.
46:29Because it was all part of the game plan to come back here
46:32and nab the rest of them when the stuff was handed over.
46:35Do you know, it wasn't till the last minute I twigged what it was,
46:40last time we were here,
46:42that hadn't quite gelled.
46:44Sorry, Miss Plain, could you hand me that Sokko report from behind you?
46:49How many people outside our game know Sokko stands for scene of crime officers?
46:55It's like expecting me to know what a magician's Cervanta is.
46:58And yet, out of a dozen files there, she went straight for it.
47:03I'm sorry.
47:04All right.
47:11What do you want from me?
47:12Moral indignation.
47:14Because she used him.
47:15A young man who'd left most of his brain cells in the boxing ring.
47:18Do you know how long she was on Geiger's tail,
47:21looking for a way in before he came along?
47:24Undercover work like this, you don't throw together in five minutes.
47:27We've got police on three continents trying to prize this one open.
47:33I'm very grateful to you for straightening him out
47:36so that we can work with him.
47:38And I don't doubt there'll be tears before bedtime.
47:42But if all this means that we get to hoover up some of the filth out there
47:46who systematically destroy people's lives,
47:50I can live with it.
47:51As I said before,
47:59the bigger picture.
48:00Yes, I know.
48:23I'm sorry I'm late.
48:24I got stuck behind this idiot in a bus lane.
48:27It was a bus, actually.
48:28What have I missed?
48:29Just getting you worried about Adam.
48:31I didn't see him just now coming in.
48:33Nobody won't be here, will he?
48:34What do you mean?
48:36Well, because he knows he hasn't won.
48:37In his category?
48:38But you remember we spoke about the other?
48:40Oh, yeah, we don't used to worry about that.
48:41Didn't breathe a word.
48:43You what?
48:44As per my instructions, he swore me to absolute secrecy.
48:47Since when could you ever be relied upon to keep a secret?
48:50The whole point of my telling you is that you'd leak it to him
48:52on the quiet so he'd get a chance to prepare himself.
48:55Oh, great.
48:56Well, it might have been handy if you'd said that.
48:58What am I, a mind reader now?
49:00He told me he was going to do a Woody Allen tonight.
49:03You know, like where he always plays jazz in that pub
49:05instead of going to the Oscars.
49:07He's going to get down with his bad self playing some Delta Blues.
49:11You are winding me up.
49:13Firstly, Michael's pub where Woody Allen plays is not a pub.
49:16It's a very swanky nightclub.
49:18And secondly...
49:19Oh, I give up.
49:20So what are you telling me?
49:22And if sheer pig-headed pride is going to boycott the show tonight
49:25for a bit of cheap street cred...
49:27God's name, do you suppose he's g...
49:30No.
49:33The image is too painful.
49:35Oh, I wish
49:39I was a catfish
49:42Swimming in the wild, wild, deep blue sea
49:48And all you pretty weird things
49:53Oh!
50:07Oh.
50:08Oh.
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