Jonathan Creek. S02 E03. The Scented Room.

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First broadcast 7th February 1998.  Jonathan and Maddy investigate the mysterious disappearance of an El Greco painting from the home of theatre critic Sylvester Le Fley and his wife Lady Theresa Cutler.  Sam Bradley - Benjamin Valerie Colgan - Martha Bob Monkhouse - Sylvester Le Fley Christine Kavanagh - Lady Theresa Cutler Peter Copley - Eric Alan Davies - Jonathan Creek Stuart Milligan - Adam Klaus Evie Garratt - Scooter Lady Caroline Quentin - Maddy Magellan Caroline Harris - Dr Irene Wolverton John Hudson - Roy Gregson Jemma Churchill - Second Therapist Geoffrey McGivern - Barry Opper Jocelyn Hughes - Judy Sophie Langham - Melissa Lucy Allen - Masseuse

Transcript

00:00In the next video, we'll see you next time.

01:30Good morning, Benjamin. How are you today?

01:36Okay. My name is Martha Parrish, personal secretary to Lady Teresa Cutler, and on her behalf, may I welcome you all today to Sacada Park.

01:55The house is over 400 years old and is still the principal residence of Lady Teresa and her family. Her husband, Sylvester LaFle, you may know, of course, as the famous theatre critic and cultural affairs columnist on the Sunday Telegraph.

02:14Friday the 10th, Arts Dearest Cafe, O'Derrick Chinnery. Edgar Blint's latest effort at the Cottesloe, Upload, Download, was billed as a hilarious new comedy.

02:29Of these four words, only the first is accurate. While neither hilarious, new, or comic, it is most certainly an indefinite article.

02:40The fact that it drew maniacal laughter from the brainless hyenas around me really confirms my long-held belief that quality theatre is too precious to be wasted on audiences.

02:54Mummy, can I have a treehouse?

03:14Of course, sweetheart. Not just this second, though.

03:24Mummy, can I have a treehouse?

03:42Sumo Fume, darling.

03:44I thought you might be hungry.

03:48You read my mind.

03:54The doors in this part of the house are of particular interest.

04:06They're of hand-curved Spanish Moorish design dating back to the 1900s,

04:13when the 15th Marquis had them specially imported from his villa in Aragon.

04:18You demented harpy!

04:20What, I can't even have a simple massage now?

04:22Simple massage? When she had her arm up your shorts?

04:25You are insane!

04:26I thought she was tying my shoelace now as an act of infidelity.

04:29What have you done to my tongue?

04:31What? I can't... me!

04:33So go suck a Dockleaf.

04:41This we call the Flemish Gallery. Housing works by several well-known Dutch genre painters.

04:47Everything in this room has been in the house at least a hundred years.

04:52Apart from Eric, of course, who's been here a hundred and fifty.

04:56So we come to the jewel of Cicada Park, El Greco's Kiss of Judas,

05:02which we keep in a room on its own, where, as you'll see, the temperature, humidity and light levels

05:08are carefully maintained to prevent discoloration or cracking.

05:13Because of this, and for reasons of space, we can allow only eight people inside at a time.

05:19So, who's going to be my first group?

05:22That's it? Okay?

05:24As I say, the ambient light is controlled by the special tinting in the glass above you.

05:38And if I could ask you just to close the door while we're in here, please.

05:43These aren't my rules. They're all laid down by the insurance.

05:47Because the picture that you see before you is conservatively valued at one and a half million pounds.

05:55Okay, when the rest of you are ready...

06:13Who's this?

06:14Ah, yes. That's why a painter called Estad.

06:17Or the people of Brown's house.

06:20Right. Let's have the next group, please.

06:23Okay.

06:24As I was saying to your friends, the reason we have to be extra careful...

06:28What?

06:31This can't be happening.

06:35Eric!

06:38Eric! Eric!

06:42It's gone!

06:45Cut from the fray! How?

06:47I was just cut it out and get tired.

06:49It's not...

06:50This is absurd. The whole thing is just absurd.

06:54Look, I think it's best if you won't just... I'm sorry. I'm in a state of shock. I can't think how this has happened.

07:13Eric!

07:28What? What? Erickson!

07:29The El Greco! Someone's just... I don't know. For us, we're all dreaming, or...

07:34It was there, thirty seconds before, and then it wasn't. And the room was empty, I swear.

07:43Call her, please.

07:44Call her, please.

07:59Hello. Yes. This is Martha Parrish, ringing from Cicada Park...

08:02Mr Laflea, are you all right?

08:07I took a blow. Something heavy.

08:10Behind.

08:12Oh!

08:13I think I heard someone running off.

08:14Oh, darling.

08:15Theresa.

08:16Oh, darling, I think I said...

08:21I think I was a little old, but I'm...

08:23Oh, no.

08:24Well, I'm...

08:25Oh, absolutely.

08:26Yeah, that's for my life, this week.

08:28Oh, all right, thank you.

08:30Good, thank you.

08:32You're welcome.

08:34Oh, my God.

08:37Oh, my God.

08:39Oh, my God.

08:41I know this.

08:43Oh, my God.

08:44If anything like this, when we get to Hyde Park, we're going to have fun and games.

08:49If we don't mind crowd attendance, we're going to need a team of synchronised swimmers.

08:54Will you shut up and keep the knots dry?

08:57I'm attempting a state of osteomuscular pre-contraction.

09:00If anything like this, when we get to Hyde Park, we're going to have fun and games.

09:05If we don't mind crowd attendance, we're going to need a team of synchronised swimmers.

09:09Will you shut up and keep the knots dry?

09:11I'm attempting a state of osteomuscular pre-contraction.

09:30You bloody gangsters!

09:51No, no!

09:55Oh, there are lots of you!

09:57You police over here!

09:59You keep away from that hole, will you?

10:01Oh, help me!

10:27Are you all set in there?

10:30Are you all set in there?

10:42And we start the clock?

10:46Oh, how absolutely, immensely satisfying.

10:49You see this?

10:50Yes.

10:51Yes.

10:52Yes.

10:53Yes.

10:54Yes.

10:55Yes.

10:56Yes.

10:57Yes.

10:58Yes.

10:59Yes.

11:00Yes.

11:01Yes.

11:02Yes.

11:03Yes.

11:04Yes.

11:05Yes.

11:06Yes.

11:07Yes.

11:08Yes.

11:09Yes.

11:10Yes.

11:11Yes.

11:12Yes.

11:25Yes.

11:26Oh, no.

11:27It's a dud.

11:28Yes.

11:29Ohd.

11:30Yes.

11:31Oh, how absolutely, immensely satisfying.

11:32You see this?

11:33Mm.

11:34light. Well, ha, ha, ha. Suck on that, you smarmy bastard. Where are you going? Oh, they're

11:41nervous, Jonathan. They need someone to hold their hand. They're nervous because you're

11:45inside the coffin, remember? I knew it was too easy. So, I don't know. Everything's such

11:56a mess with me at the moment. I don't know where to start. Have you had any more erotic

12:01dreams about? You know who? Last night, actually. We were making love together like, I don't

12:12know, Olympic gymnasts. I think I got down to a size 10 at one point. It's incredible.

12:19Except, for some reason, we were on stage at the Royal Opera House, Convert Garden, and

12:25the audience were all booing and shouting, bring back the juggler, which I remember

12:31put us off slightly because... All right, I think that'll do, won't it? If you'd like

12:34to come with me, please. I beg your pardon? Detective Inspector Roy Gregson, I'm afraid

12:38as of now, this consultation's over. For what reason? For the reason, Miss Wolverton, that

12:44you're no more a psychoanalyst than I am. You was? I'm sorry about this. It's a condition

12:49called obsessive delusion. The sufferer basically acts out a fantasy role to satisfy some unfulfilled

12:54desire in their life. In this case, listening to people's intimate sexual neuroses. But

12:59I'm afraid the party's over now, isn't it, young lady?

13:01All right, Mr Gregson. Leave her be, please. Mr Gregson? I'm sorry about this. It's a psychotic

13:11condition in which he believes himself to be a police inspector. Whereas you actually work

13:16for the North Thames gas board, Mr Gregson. Remember? Do forgive the intrusion. I'll, uh,

13:23try and keep my door locked in future.

13:29Unsettling when that happens, isn't it? Now, you were talking about some general sense of confusion

13:38in your personal life. Sorry? Yes. Well, there's this ongoing business with Jonathan, obviously.

13:49But the other day, something else cropped up as well, which...

13:53You know that thing where a ghost from your past suddenly comes back to haunt you?

14:04Listen, Jonathan, great to put a face to the name at last. Um, I'm sorry. Due to a cock-up

14:10in the diary, I seem to have two lunches today, and I'm already late for both of them. Oh, incidentally,

14:16mad. Uh, did you hear any more about, uh, you know, that other?

14:19Um, yeah. You rang me again last night, actually. And?

14:23Yes, Thursday morning. I'm gonna see it through, Barry. I, um, I talked it over with my therapist,

14:29and she reckons it'll be good for me, so... Okay, shall we went?

14:33Well, I suppose I'd better get back. Oh, come on!

14:36Would you say I'd take you somewhere really smart for lunch?

14:45Not that it's OTT or anything.

14:47Just stick with me on this one.

14:51Miss Magellan. Mr. Creek, how do you do? Martha Parrish. You like to follow me, please?

15:07It's not much further. It's just through here.

15:10Look, I didn't want anything fussy. It's just a cheese omelet.

15:12Oh, are you okay? Jonathan, unfortunately, is borderline asthmatic.

15:19Uh, you couldn't give us a second?

15:20Oh, yes, of course. I'll just go see if I can find Mr. Leflay for you.

15:28Mr. Leflay.

15:31All right, where's the mirror?

15:33I just want to remind myself what a gullible prat looks like.

15:38All right. All right.

15:42I'll level with you. They don't do omelets.

15:45Oh, come on, it's one hell of a puzzle, this.

15:47You've read the reports. A painting that's there one minute and gone the next.

15:51Take you somewhere smart for lunch. Will I never learn?

15:54Jonathan!

15:56Just because this bloke's given your show a few iffy reviews...

15:58Death notices.

15:59Is no reason to pass up a challenge.

16:02But I hear what you're saying.

16:05It is clearly so impossible. Why even try?

16:10It's one of those weird mysteries that'll just never be explained.

16:26About the room down there.

16:34Window's made of some kind of reinforced special glass.

16:38It was never designed to be opened.

16:40Except, where else could they have got in?

16:43Are you two married?

16:48Whatever gave you that idea?

16:50I saw you arguing.

16:52That's right.

16:52But in our case, we're just arguing in sin.

16:55Mummy and Daddy are always shouting at each other.

16:59Sometimes they shout at me and I haven't even...

17:00What have you been told about talking to strange men and women?

17:07It's another habit we've picked up from Melissa, isn't it?

17:11His last night, I'm afraid, was a terribly bad influence.

17:13We come home after two months abroad and find him fraternising with a car mechanic.

17:17I mean, the consequences are unthinkable.

17:19Never trust a man with Axel Grease on his fingers.

17:21Well, exactly.

17:27As for this horror, the police are up a gum tree.

17:32So, as far as I'm concerned, the 50,000 is there for the taking to anyone who can come up with a positive lead.

17:37Oh, yes.

17:42That was the other thing.

17:44They are offering a small reward for the painting's return, which can't be bad.

17:50Now, you see, this is where I'm sitting here.

17:59Not over there, not over there, but here, where I've got a direct line through that door,

18:05eating my lunch, which on Friday comprised a bottle of LucasAge and a spam sandwich.

18:10When Mrs. Parrish came out with those girls, it was there on the wall in its frame.

18:19Half a minute later, when they opened the door, gone.

18:25And if you're thinking that someone else might have stepped in or out in between time without my noticing,

18:31when that painting was stolen, there was no one inside that room.

18:40So, you've come out of the Flemish gallery and just standing, what, looking that way out of the window,

18:47when someone attacked you from behind with a sharp instrument?

18:49As I seem to have told everyone a hundred times.

18:53And then I fell to the ground.

18:55Where?

18:57Pardon me.

18:58You couldn't show us.

18:59And the floor where you fell?

19:09Exactly.

19:15And that's when you heard whoever it was running away?

19:18Presumably into the library, because that's where they found a set of footprints in the dust,

19:23which do not correspond to any shoes worn by members of this household.

19:29Might be worth a shifty.

19:30Interesting.

19:39Interesting.

19:55Two riddles in one.

19:57How's that?

20:00Setting aside the problem of how our invisible thief

20:02managed to get past everyone in that gallery with the painting,

20:06it's a safe bet to be in a hurry to get out of the house.

20:09So this just doesn't tally for a second, does it?

20:12What do you mean?

20:14Oh, come on.

20:16A child of five could work it out.

20:18I can work it out.

20:20Why didn't he go across the carpet?

20:24Exactly.

20:27He's heading for the window,

20:29so why does he go round the outside of the room?

20:32Riddle number one.

20:34Riddle number two.

20:36Why was he walking?

20:37Riddle number two.

20:37What do you think?

20:38Riddle number two.

20:38What do you think?

20:39These aren't the footprints of a running man, Mr. Laflayne.

20:43Whoever was in this room, it wasn't the person who attacked you in the hall.

20:47Who did you say these people were?

20:48I seem to have lost track.

20:50Miss Magellan is, have I got this right?

20:52An investigative crime writer.

20:55And Mr. Creek is...

20:57Creative consultant to Adam Klaus.

20:59You came to see one of our shows once, I'm sure you remember.

21:03It was a ragbag of charmless chicanery, ill-conceived by witness tricksters who seemed to confuse mystery with misery.

21:10A kind of phrase he's got, hasn't he?

21:15So, anyway...

21:17I make no secret of my aversion to your particular art form, Mr. Creek.

21:22However, I can see its relevance to the problems in hand.

21:25If you have any insights to offer, we shall be pleased to hear them.

21:33It's a stump, huh?

21:34No question

21:37I'm afraid I can't help

21:43So this has all been a complete waste of our time

21:47This defeated everyone else

21:49Lord knows why we expected these two to fare any better

21:51Oh, I didn't say it defeated me

21:53I know exactly how your painting disappeared, Mr Laflay

21:58I'm just not going to tell you

22:00Time you're moving

22:0350,000 green ones, Jonathan

22:14So, you've clocked it all, basically

22:18Worked out how the whole thing was done

22:21But you just want to make him suffer

22:22Correct

22:23Don't you think that's being amazingly petty?

22:31Still, I suppose no-one can blame you

22:33The man's a grade-A tossbag, I can't deny

22:38Yes

22:39Why don't we make him stew?

22:43Why should we let him know what we know?

22:46What, um...

22:48Do we know exactly?

22:51Obviously you can tell me

22:52Dream on

22:58Witless trickster

23:01It's not far off the mark for you, really, is it?

23:05Now, sweetheart

23:07No-one's denying your invaluable contribution to the show

23:10Or the unique place you occupy in my affections

23:13I just have to be careful when it comes to meeting Her Majesty

23:18About who I bring along

23:19Oh, which I don't want you to take as any kind of slight

23:27Because I know she would absolutely adore you

23:32Lovely

23:45It's been a big help, thanks a lot

23:47You're very welcome

23:48Look, it's no sweat, you know

23:51I'll work it out myself

23:53I've seen everything you've seen

23:54I'm not a complete nut and moron

23:56Yes?

24:01I never said anything

24:02Look, just give me a leg up to get me started

24:05Please

24:07Just one tiny clue

24:09Look to Eric's spam sandwich

24:22It contains the key to the whole affair

24:25Sorry about the time

24:37Guess where I've just come from

24:39Mr. Poison Pen Sylvester Laflay's

24:43Which is one of the weirdest set-ups I've ever come across

24:46Yes, yes, you can tell me all about that later

24:53Now, did you talk to Larry about more play on the dowels in the coffin?

24:56He's going to see what he can do

24:58We can't make him too loose

24:59And we'll blow it for the audience, Inspector

25:01Well, just enough so I don't break my spine getting out

25:03Box office is through the roof, by the way

25:05Both performances

25:06Biggest open-air magic show in this country for 70 years

25:08Now, Thursday week, Buckingham Palace

25:11Have you come up with anything?

25:13What's to come up with?

25:16You're being presented to the Queen, Adam

25:17You just shake a hand, cop your MBE, and then off

25:21No, no, no, no

25:22It needs a little something to leaven it

25:24I was toying with a billiard ball from the ear

25:27Or an egg from the mouth

25:28Or, what about this?

25:30A stamp on her tongue

25:32A stamp on her tongue?

25:34Are you insane?

25:35Oh, come on, it's perfect

25:36I get her to stick it out

25:37What's this, Your Majesty?

25:40I know this face

25:41Maybe you could sign this for me

25:43Big laugh

25:44Come on, what do you think?

25:46How could we do that?

25:47Are you winning?

25:56Oh, right

25:56Come to gloat now, I suppose, on my ineptitude

25:59Oh, come on

26:01You were the one who duped me into going round there in the first place

26:04Because you knew there was no way on earth I'd agree to help Sylvester Laflay reward or no reward

26:09So what are you doing back here today?

26:12I think you're just a low-been lunch

26:13Go on, then

26:16We'll give that Italian round the corner a try

26:19Just, erm, give me a minute

26:23Make a couple of calls, put a face on

26:25I'll be with you

26:26Of course, there is another school of thought

26:50That you know jack shit about any of it

26:53This is all an elaborate bluff to make me feel like a total dunce

26:57While you get to act all smug and superior

26:59Which, according to my analyst, is just further evidence of your latent insecurity complex

27:03My insecurity complex?

27:09You want me to tell you how the crime was committed?

27:11Yes

27:12How someone managed to magically make that painting disappear from that room?

27:15Yes

27:16So you can go and tell him and collect the reward?

27:17Yes, no, all right then, yes

27:20Oh, Jonathan, can't we just forget this stupid vendetta and pocket the dosh?

27:25We've got a chance to make some serious money here

27:28The pair of them are desperate

27:30I know for a fact the insurance company are being sticky about the claim

27:34I'll bet if I picked up that phone now I could get him to double that reward

27:38Easily

27:39£100,000, Jonathan

27:43You reckon?

27:45I'm sure of it

27:46So instead of saying, stuff your £50,000

27:49I could say, stuff your £100,000

27:52Even more satisfying

27:54I surrender

27:58All right

28:10As that was a particularly fine linguine you just bought me

28:14Let's have a quick canter through it

28:16The first load of schoolgirls come out with his secretary

28:20The painting's there in full view of everyone present

28:23In the space of 30-odd seconds, it's been cut out of its frame and removed from the room

28:27There's no conceivable place it could have been hidden

28:29All this by a thief who somehow managed to spirit himself through the gallery

28:33Without being seen by anyone

28:34And knock our beloved Mr. Flay to the floor outside

28:36The overhead window doesn't open

28:40Police said there was no sign it had been tampered with

28:44I don't know

28:46I've been working on every conceivable possibility

28:50Did it ever occur to you that someone could have cut it without actually being in the room

28:56Using a high-powered laser through the glass in the ceiling?

29:00You are kidding me

29:04Of course I am

29:05The idea is ridiculous

29:07In fact, the way this trip was worked is so sublimely simple

29:10When I tell you, you'll wonder why you didn't get it in five seconds flat

29:13For goodness sake, put me out of my misery

29:15What was the significance of the sodding spam sandwich?

29:20Ah, absolutely

29:22And, for that matter

29:25What's the significance of the scented room?

29:28Which puts another spin on it altogether

29:31The scented room

29:33You clocked it the same as I did

29:35The second we stepped through that door

29:38A heavy fragrance of something sweet and floral in that drawing room

29:41That's right

29:43That was coming from the bowl of potpourri on the table

29:46What, you mean potpourri?

29:49One of the biggest cons of the 20th century

29:51People pick it up in a shot

29:54What's the first thing they always do?

29:56Mmm, smell this one

29:57That's sensational

29:58Oh, I'll have some of that

30:00Of course it is if you shove your face in it

30:03Put some in a bowl in the middle of the room

30:04You can't smell a bloody thing

30:05There should be a label on the packet

30:07Only effective when inserted up nostril

30:09Is there a point to this?

30:12The point is that the smell in that room

30:15Wasn't coming from the potpourri

30:16Oh, I'm not with you

30:18What are you saying?

30:22That it was someone's perfume

30:23Who was involved in the robbery?

30:26Perfumes don't hang around like that for two whole days

30:29Well

30:30What, then?

30:35All right

30:35Mr Creek, is it Detective Inspector Roy Gregson?

30:38I'm afraid you've got one or two serious questions to answer

30:41Yes, actually, Inspector

30:42It may be that your services aren't required after all

30:45As it turns out

30:45Just let me handle this, please

30:47Are you aware it's an offence to withhold important information about a crime?

30:52You can either save yourself a lot of grief

30:54By telling me here and now

30:55Everything you know about the theft of Lady Teresa Cutler's painting

30:58Or we can play hardball

31:02Why has your ID got North Thames Gasboard on it?

31:08Now, don't get clever with me, laddie

31:10Or you'll regret it

31:11Failure to disclose evidence is a serious matter

31:14It's always impersonating a police officer

31:16Nice try

31:18But I have to be going

31:21I'll see you in court

31:23Oh, Jonathan

31:25I had to have a contingency plan

31:28You can't blame me for that

31:29Okay

31:35Now you can open them

31:37What do you think?

31:45You did say you wanted a treehouse

31:47What's that on the side?

31:52A lift

31:52So you don't get all scratched

31:57And tear your clothes

31:58Climbing up the branches

31:59Come on

32:06As if we haven't got enough problems at the moment

32:09Sylvester Le Fleur

32:13Hmm

32:14They are joking surely to God

32:21Will you get him back on the phone

32:25And tell him I want to speak to him now

32:26Your blasted insurance company

32:28Aren't buying the disappearance of the painting

32:30They say there still isn't enough evidence

32:31And crime was committed

32:33If that Creek character does know something about this

32:35He is bloody well going to tell us

32:36What's it going to be this time?

32:54A row of flags coming out of the Duke of Edinburgh's flies

32:58It's Jonathan Creek

32:59Jonathan

33:00I have a query for you

33:01To speed things along

33:02We'll make it a multiple choice question

33:04If you could choose the manner of your own death

33:06Would it be A

33:07Peacefully in your sleep

33:08B

33:09Breathlessly with Nicole Kidman

33:10Or C

33:11Being dismembered by a homicidal illusionist

33:14If C

33:15Simply hang up now

33:16If not

33:17I want you to get your backside down to Cicada Park tomorrow

33:20And explain to Sylvester and Tweety Pie

33:21Exactly what happened to their cherished El Greco

33:23I'm sorry

33:25I'm not with any of this

33:27Then let me keep it simple for you

33:29Lady Teresa Cutler is chairperson of the local conservative association

33:33Lady Teresa Cutler wields men's influence upon Westminster Council

33:37Westminster Council have the power of life or death over our concert in the park on Saturday

33:42Our concert in the park on Saturday has been refused a permit

33:46On discretionary grounds that purport to concern public safety

33:50But in reality it concerns a member of my staff who naively thinks it cannot be bought with money

33:54Wrong, Jonathan

33:56Money can buy anything and anyone

33:58This is a battle we cannot win

34:01So here's what you do

34:03Surrender your pride and save the show

34:05By tomorrow lunchtime, Jonathan, I expect to hear good news

34:08Okie dokie, my sweet

34:15Email?

34:17What's that?

34:18I can barely remember my postcode

34:20Will do then

34:23Sure

34:23Cheerio

34:24Bye

34:25Jonathan

34:26To what do we owe?

34:29You're looking lost

34:30This stolen painting

34:33Something's come up

34:36I've got to move on it

34:37Of course I can't track her nibs down this morning for love nor money

34:41I didn't expect to

34:42I know it's today he's coming down this

34:44Gordon Hill

34:46I just thought if you had maybe a contact number

34:49If she can put her love life on hold for 24 hours

34:52How much has she told you about all this?

34:56About what?

34:58You've known Madeline how long?

35:00Matter of months?

35:03You'll not have scratched her surface yet

35:05So to speak

35:07You do

35:08You'll find a lot of protective layers

35:11Like she makes it look very easy

35:13But it hasn't been

35:14You never knew her father

35:17Neither did she

35:18Her mother

35:20Was a wreck

35:22Who lived on her nerves

35:23One day

35:25She was stopped in a store

35:27Accused of stealing a packet of bacon

35:30She said it was all a mistake

35:32Supermarket took her to court

35:34Next day

35:35She pulled the wire from an electric iron

35:39And put it in her mouth

35:41Maddie came home from work

35:43She was 17

35:45Ran away after that

35:48To try and put the pain behind her

35:51Except it never goes

35:52It just

35:54Sits there

35:55Waiting for the day

35:57When you'll

35:58Come back

35:59And confront it

36:00For Maddie

36:02Today is that day

36:04So

36:07Who's Gordon Hill?

36:09Who's Gordon Hill?

36:39Who's Gordon Hill?

37:09Lunch break

37:17We've timed it well

37:18This shouldn't take too long

37:20Just one last piece of the jigsaw

37:22And we're all set

37:23I was told to expect you

37:38You'll have some news for us

37:40I believe

37:41Benjamin

37:42You're right

37:43Benjamin likes to learn another trick

37:46So on a scale of

37:49One to ten

37:50Mr. Laflay

37:51Just how baffling

37:52Exactly

37:53Would you say

37:53This robbery was?

37:55If

37:55If this is another

37:56Feeble attempt

37:57To antagonise me

37:58Ten

37:58Twenty

37:59A hundred

38:00Haven't we all driven ourselves

38:02Utterly demented

38:03Trying to figure it out

38:04All right

38:05Just so we're clear

38:07No one hears

38:10No one hears in any doubt

38:10The painting did actually vanish

38:12From this room

38:13I think that's the one factor

38:14In this whole blasted business

38:16We can be certain of

38:17Why?

38:18Because it's going to make

38:20What happens next

38:20Totally impossible

38:22If everyone could just leave now

38:25Except

38:25For Benjamin

38:27Benjamin?

38:29What?

38:29Indulge him

38:30Usually pays off

38:31About thirty seconds

38:45I think you said

38:46Doors closed

38:47Yeah

38:48You want to put your watch on it

39:00Are you okay?

39:09Oh, I'm sorry

39:10It can't be

39:11Power to me

39:12Now remember, Benj

39:16First law of magic

39:18Never tell them how it was done

39:21The, um

39:23Sordid matter of the reward

39:26Lady Teresa

39:28What?

39:29Oh, yes

39:30It's obviously something

39:31You'll have to take up

39:32With your son

39:33I don't know

39:34Perhaps you can use it

39:36To buy him something

39:36He really needs

39:37Like

39:38A life

39:39So

39:49I don't know

39:51All that stuff about

39:54It'll be really cathartic

39:57It was absolute bollocks

39:59In the end

39:59The only way

40:03I could ever get through

40:04All the horror in life

40:05Is to try and forget about it

40:07I think I might just have

40:12Stepped in front of that digger

40:13If he hadn't showed up

40:16At that point

40:17To put the seal on that business

40:21Of the stolen picture

40:21Do you remember me telling you about

40:24Talk about the last person

40:27I'd have ever suspected

40:28How did you find out?

40:35Through a boring process

40:36Of watertight logic

40:37The same logic

40:39That told me how you did it

40:40There couldn't be any question

40:42It was one of you

40:43What we're still a bit hazy on

40:46Is why

40:46You'll have to speak to Melissa

40:53My sister

40:54She'll be round at Jeff's

40:57So suddenly I'm thinking

40:58Melissa, Melissa

41:00That was a name that cropped up earlier

41:02But it took me a minute

41:04To remember where

41:05That's another habit

41:07We picked up from Melissa

41:08Isn't it?

41:10This last nanny I'm afraid

41:11That's a terribly bad influence

41:13Well

41:14Was that a tale and a half

41:17When it actually came out in the wash?

41:20For God's sake, Judith

41:21What have you said to them?

41:23Do you want to get us put away?

41:25No one's going to rat on you, Melissa

41:26That's not the object of the exercise

41:28You know you didn't exactly

41:29Hit it off with your former employers

41:31And that's why you set all this up

41:32To get your own back

41:33For which I'm sure Jonathan

41:35Would love to give you

41:36A big wet kiss

41:37I've got no problem

41:39With giving Sylvester

41:40The flay a hard time

41:41I'm just curious

41:43Which of his many charming qualities

41:44Drove you to it

41:45They had no idea about that child

41:50No idea or they didn't care

41:52They were too into themselves

41:54And their ritzy lifestyle

41:55Gadding round the globe

41:56Aspen one day

41:58Samaritz the next

41:59They'd never given Benji any time

42:02Any quality time

42:04It was like

42:04Anything he wanted

42:05He could have

42:06Except the one thing

42:08He really needed

42:09A mother and a father

42:10Who were prepared

42:10To make the effort

42:11And when they were around

42:14She'd often be on this knife edge

42:15Giving her husband hell

42:17Over absolutely nothing

42:18Sometimes she'd get quite violent

42:21Talk about volatile

42:23Of course

42:25My approach

42:26Didn't find favour at all

42:27Indulged him

42:29Of course I did

42:31I worshipped him

42:32And when they gave me

42:35A fortnight's notice

42:36Well

42:37There weren't enough tears to cry

42:39I just thought

42:42If there was any way

42:43I could put them through it

42:44Deprive them of something

42:46They really loved

42:47Something like a million pound painting

42:50To take it away from them

42:53Without actually stealing it

42:55I've got to say

42:57It was a nice one

42:57Everyone could see it had vanished

43:00But where to?

43:02Floor and walls

43:03Didn't offer any clue

43:04It had to be the window

43:06And the ceiling

43:06But how the hell

43:07Do you get up there?

43:09And how do you open a window

43:09That doesn't open?

43:11Answer

43:12You didn't

43:12The window had nothing to do with it

43:16And once you cross that one off

43:18You're down to only one possibility

43:21Which was so gloriously unlikely

43:23It never occurred to anyone

43:24The contrasting grain on each side

43:41I told the whole story

43:42The way the original Spanish builders

43:46Had secured the hand-carved panels

43:48To the frame

43:49It ended up with a door

43:51That was technically hollow

43:52It was Jeff that I saw the possibilities

43:56One day when he was over there

43:58Helping me clear up my stuff

44:00Melissa

44:01Finding an hour

44:05When Eric and Martha

44:06Were out of the way

44:07Was easier than you'd think

44:08Then it was just a question

44:10Of opening a slit at the bottom

44:12A couple of nails

44:13That could be swivelled across

44:14We re-hung it

44:16Everything was safe

44:17And Judith thought of the idea

44:20Of the school outing

44:21It wouldn't be hard to engineer

44:23And who's going to suspect

44:24A bunch of 12-year-old girls

44:25So what happened?

44:28Six of you went in

44:29But only five came out

44:30Who's counting schoolgirls?

44:33Half a minute's just about enough

44:35If your pals are outside

44:36Keeping Martha busy

44:37With a few questions

44:38So when the next group goes in

44:47And everyone's glued to the empty frame

44:50You merge in with them

44:52For my money

44:54A world-class trick

44:56With a delicious irony

44:58That all the time

44:59He's freaking out

45:00It's just sitting there

45:01A few yards away

45:02Between two panels of wood

45:03Like a slice of spam

45:05In a sandwich

45:06The rest of it

45:08We have to guess

45:09But I don't suppose

45:10It's wider the mark

45:11To imagine that

45:12Teresa's outside

45:13During all of this

45:14Getting ballistic

45:14With her husband

45:15You patronising

45:17Oh my god

45:18Oh my god

45:19I'm sorry

45:20He dashes inside

45:21Major panic

45:23Not only is one of

45:25Their most valuable

45:25Art treasures gone

45:27There's not a shred

45:28Of evidence

45:28That anyone was in there

45:29That's not going to look good

45:31When he makes his insurance claim

45:33The loss adjuster

45:34Will need more evidence

45:34Than that

45:35So what does he come up with

45:37An imaginary

45:41Whacked from behind

45:42By the unseen intruder

45:44Ah

45:46Mr. Lutzmay

45:50Are you alright

45:52He's already got the head wound

45:53Courtesy of his wife

45:56It's a gift

45:57The police

45:58The police

45:58Eric

45:59Yes sir

45:59Someone hit me

46:00Here

46:01An intruder

46:02Just to round it out

46:03They come up with another idea

46:04Before the police arrive

46:05A set of footprints

46:07In the dust

46:09On the floor

46:10To show where the thief

46:11Had left the building

46:12Slight drawback

46:14There wasn't any dust

46:15On the floor

46:15It had just been cleaned

46:16That's not a problem

46:18They just create their own

46:19Hence the overpowering smell

46:36Of fridges

46:36Or whatever it was

46:37That hit us inside the room

46:38But you see what I'm saying

46:40It'd be a brilliant read

46:41There was anywhere

46:42I could actually use it

46:44But that's going to drop

46:45The ex-nanny

46:46And her sister in it

46:47And we did give our word

46:48To keep Sturm

46:49Well you've got to

46:50Haven't you

46:51Respect to confidence

46:52Like that

46:53So

46:53Sorry

46:55Where was I

46:56You will stop me

46:58If I start rambling

46:58You can't believe really

47:03A couple like that

47:03Would ever stay together

47:05Considering there's

47:06Absolutely no communication

47:07Between them of any kind

47:08What I can't understand

47:10Is this complete lack

47:11Of any embarrassment

47:12About it

47:12To turn up at

47:13Buckingham Palace

47:14With a dozen cage birds

47:16Concealed about your person

47:17It's got to be a major error

47:18Wouldn't you say

47:18Because that's the death

47:20Of any relationship

47:21Don't you reckon

47:22When people stop

47:23Listening to each other

47:24I mean since when

47:25Has the royal family

47:26Been noted for its

47:27Puckish sense of humour

47:28Especially when there's

47:29A child involved

47:30There's no excuse

47:32You just know

47:33One of them's going to escape

47:34And you know exactly

47:35Where it's going to go

47:36That's why if we ever

47:38Had a son

47:38I know it'd work out

47:39We'd make sure it did

47:40So now it's going to be

47:42The first time in living memory

47:43The Queen's presented an MBE

47:44With a live canary

47:45Up her skirt

47:46Somehow I don't think

47:48He'll be topping the bill

47:49At the royal command

47:49This year

47:50Never thought about that

47:51Jonathan

47:52At all

47:53Sorry

47:55Having a family

47:56Settling down

47:58And all that

47:59Right

48:01Very probably

48:03What can I smell in here

48:10It's a talcum powder

48:13It's a talcum powder

48:14It's a talcum powder

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