- 2 days ago
First broadcast 8th March 2003.
Without using wigs or doubles, How can a girl have her shoulder-length hair cut off and miraculously grow it all back in just 48 hours?
Jack Dee - Dudley Houseman
Sophie Thompson - Dorothy Moon
Caroline Carver - Sally Ellen Oakley
Edward Hayes-Neary - Angus
Trevor Peacock - Henry Houseman
Marie Boyle - Maria
Adrian Edmondson - Brendan Baxter
Julia Sawalha - Carla Borrego
Alan Davies - Jonathan Creek
Tamsin Greig - Pam
Angela Curran - Mavis
Robin Kermode - Mr. Jellcoe
Andrew McCrae - TV Executive
Michael Grade - Michael Grade
Paul Kulik - Kidnapper
Vito Mingolla - Kidnapper
David Renwick - Kidnapper
Without using wigs or doubles, How can a girl have her shoulder-length hair cut off and miraculously grow it all back in just 48 hours?
Jack Dee - Dudley Houseman
Sophie Thompson - Dorothy Moon
Caroline Carver - Sally Ellen Oakley
Edward Hayes-Neary - Angus
Trevor Peacock - Henry Houseman
Marie Boyle - Maria
Adrian Edmondson - Brendan Baxter
Julia Sawalha - Carla Borrego
Alan Davies - Jonathan Creek
Tamsin Greig - Pam
Angela Curran - Mavis
Robin Kermode - Mr. Jellcoe
Andrew McCrae - TV Executive
Michael Grade - Michael Grade
Paul Kulik - Kidnapper
Vito Mingolla - Kidnapper
David Renwick - Kidnapper
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Satsang with Mooji
01:04Off now then, Mr. Houseman, if there's nothing else you need.
01:07Okay, Dorothy.
01:09Oh, Mrs. Houseman rang to say she won the award,
01:11and to tell you all about it when she gets back.
01:14I think that's everything.
01:15Okay, Dorothy.
01:16And I've left your itinerary for tomorrow on your pillow,
01:19if you want to just check it over.
01:21Okay, Dorothy.
01:59Back again.
02:15Sorry.
02:15Starting to spit out there now.
02:17I should have taken my ombre.
02:19I should have taken my ombre.
02:23I should have taken my ombre.
02:28Step!
02:30Step!
02:32Step!
02:34Step!
02:36Step!
02:38Sorry I'm late.
02:59God, what a load of old toss.
03:02Won't be going to one of those again in a hurry.
03:08I gather congratulations are in order.
03:10Yeah, right, like being voted Britain's tastiest bottom
03:14is going to be the high point of my career.
03:16Don't you start.
03:20Look, just let me get all this crap off and then I can relax.
03:23And you can make me a nice big cup of cocoa.
03:26So, how's this brilliant new musical that you're writing for me?
03:41When am I going to hear it?
03:43Yeah, maybe when I get back.
03:45If the pitch goes well, you know.
03:48Three days away.
03:50I'm going to miss you.
03:57I'm pretty long tonight actually.
04:02Yeah, well you get a good night's sleep.
04:04You don't mind if I read for a bit, do you?
04:08Sorry, I've got to be in Soho at ten for this press launch.
04:35So, um, I just wanted to say that fingernails.
04:41And I won't kiss you in case I smudge.
04:44That'll be Angus.
04:46You have a great time in L.A.
04:48I love you.
04:54Hi, Angus.
04:55Hey.
04:56You all right?
04:57How are you?
05:00Nice to see you.
05:01You're amazing.
05:02Wow.
05:03Come on.
05:05Come on.
05:10So here's your revised timetable.
05:13I couldn't get you in with Wolfie Goldberg's people,
05:15but I got you a meeting with a people of people,
05:17which is likely agent to a personal management.
05:19Anyway, his name's Skip.
05:20He sounds about 12.
05:21Oh, and don't forget,
05:23you're dropping in on your father en route
05:25to wish him happy birthday.
05:27All right.
05:43So, anyway.
05:44Still hard at it.
05:45What?
05:46Still getting plenty of work?
05:47Oh.
05:48It's a dying craft, Dudley, if you want the honest to God's truth.
05:52These days it's all mass production.
05:55Thank God for people like Adam Creek, at least.
05:58Adam who?
05:59Oh, what is his name?
06:02Adam Klaus.
06:03Magician.
06:05Creek's the chap who designs it all.
06:08Yes.
06:09Nice little job come in there.
06:11Keep me busy for a few weeks.
06:14Right.
06:15Well.
06:16Checking's it too, so I suppose I better...
06:18How's Sally these days, by the way?
06:20There was a time when you couldn't stop talking about her.
06:24Sally?
06:25Yeah.
06:26She's fine.
06:27Well, you know, we're both very busy these days.
06:31Not with one thing and another.
06:33Careful with that one.
06:35George W.B.
06:36It's on order for Miramax.
06:38How come his mouth doesn't move?
06:40Because he doesn't talk through his mouth.
06:43Sophomoric humour, I believe it's called.
07:06Mr Heisman?
07:08My name's Maria.
07:09I'll be your in-flight therapist and masseuse for this trip.
07:12Seeking to make your journey today as comfortable as possible.
07:15I don't know if you're familiar with the reinter treatments we offer at all.
07:20We have some fabulous...
07:21OK, you can open your eyes now.
07:24What do you think?
07:26Oh, no.
07:27OK.
07:28Now, this is where we want the audience to squeal with horror.
07:31What I call the flinch factor.
07:32I mean, I'm looking at this colour scheme.
07:34It's got a flinch factor of what?
07:36Three and a half?
07:37Mm-hm.
07:38So, give me, let's see, a more hideous pattern in the carpet.
07:43Get rid of the plush red and key in a kind of sickly green.
07:46Let's try and push the envelope.
07:47Of course, Mr Baxter.
07:48Oh, great.
07:49Thanks, my lovely.
07:50Morning.
07:51How's the makeover on the makeover?
07:52Still at it?
07:53Not really.
07:54We said one.
07:55I know, but Carol was off sick, so I didn't get my pedicure.
07:57Which, of course, meant I had to cancel the gynaecologist.
07:59Tonal confidence very important there, obviously.
08:01Can't have him refusing at the first fence.
08:02Fortunately, I've managed to reschedule them both for tomorrow afternoon.
08:06What is it?
08:07No.
08:08Oh, sorry.
08:09You've got my phone number.
08:10I'm sorry.
08:11I'm sorry.
08:12I'm sorry.
08:13I'm sorry.
08:14I'm sorry.
08:15I'm sorry.
08:16I'm sorry.
08:17I'm sorry.
08:18I'm sorry.
08:19I'm sorry.
08:20I'm sorry.
08:21I'm sorry.
08:22I'm sorry.
08:23I'm sorry.
08:24I'm sorry.
08:25I'm sorry.
08:26I'm sorry.
08:27what is it is that the results of the tests it says 61% of viewers in the key
08:4418 to 39 age bracket found the show sustained their interest but the numbers
08:49for Jonathan were very low among core A B's and C1 C2's
08:57so what's this he was shown that gymnasium episode apparently a clear majority felt
09:04he had insufficient authority on screen 32% didn't like his hair 12% had a problem with
09:11his posture 11% thought your face was a funny shape 18% were offended by your
09:16shirt and nearly 40% disapproved of your voice described by C2 male 55 as an
09:22irritating nasal whine isn't he if you give a message for me ask him to ring
09:27Jonathan Creek ASAP I'd appreciate it thanks very much look this is all you've
09:33got me over here for today I've got far more important things I could be in fact
09:36nearly a third of the panel said they felt slightly more comfortable with murder on
09:41the plus side Jonathan the network loved the idea of a segment about impossible
09:45crimes and they ordered 26 more for the autumn plenty of time and more I'd say
09:50to lick you into shape 26 are they insane in any case if you think you're
09:54getting me back in front of those cameras again to be ritually humiliated
09:57I suppose his face is a bit of an odd shape maybe if we tried scooping his hair up
10:01more on top it'd take the curse off it
10:04I tell you what never fails to hook an audience if they think the two presenters are sleeping together
10:09like Derek folds and Basil brush so you know let's try and bump up that sexual chemistry okay lunch with Michael
10:20grade awaits so all right if we just leave you with Pam here to have a play around
10:23oh Michael how are you doing good to see you good to see you oh yes ma'am I heard about your dog I am so sorry
10:34I look like Jack Nance in your razor head
10:41what do they know focus groups reducing us all to intellectual cripples
10:48so your dog died two months ago now great big springer Spaniel
10:59I've had him since he was a puppy that's rough yeah so what's that new trick
11:09bit of nonsense we're doing next week sawing a ventriloquist dummy in half
11:15and the guy I've got building that's a bit on the dotty side
11:18whole thing involves a duplicate set of feet sticking out the box
11:23I asked him to give us a dozen extra just so we cover but I've got a horrible feeling
11:26you may have forgot it's the houseman yeah thanks just wondered how it was
11:35looking how soon we might be able to oh great great and just to confirm we did
11:41say 12 feet that's what we said mr. Creek is just you for his final varnish
11:47then I could pop it round to your place this afternoon about five if that's any
11:53use if I'm not there just leave it outside relief I stay outside sandwich
12:08I had an old dog and his name was blue bet your line he was a good dog too blue chased a
12:23possum off a hollow limb awesome one got the best in
12:27bye bye blue you good dog you bye bye blue you good dog you
12:45blue he died and died so hard he shook the ground in my backyard we lowered him down with the golden chain every lake we call his name
12:54bye bye bye blue you good dog you bye bye blue you good dog you
13:12bye bye bye bye
13:19oh now mr. Creek I've done your office bedroom and bathroom but
13:42be careful in the kitchen the floor might still be a bit wet
13:45Mavis what in the name of hell is that sorry oh yes there's a mr. houseman waiting
13:54inside he seemed quite keen to talk to you
13:56did he have you gone clinically insane what the hell is that supposed to be out there it's like the bastard son of king kong and archie Andrews I mean for god's sake you must have realized
14:08I
14:10hi
14:11you'll be Jonathan Creek
14:14no I think it was in the BMJ this morning if you like I can bring it through
14:17no of course not
14:19sorry mrs. Baxter if you want to get comfortable I'll be with you in two seconds
14:23oh
14:25I'll be with you in two seconds
14:30oh
14:32oh
14:33oh
14:34oh
14:36oh
14:37oh
14:38oh
14:40oh
14:41oh
14:42oh
14:43oh
14:44oh
14:45oh
14:46oh
14:47oh
14:48oh
14:49oh
14:50oh
14:52oh
14:53you keep your feet on the ground right
14:55no matter how things look
14:57no matter how macabre
15:00no matter how impossible
15:02go on
15:04so maybe you can explain to me how a woman who's just had a full set of shoulder length hair cut off
15:11can completely grow it back again in less than 48 hours
15:15from the beginning
15:17from the beginning
15:19from the beginning
15:27a couple of years ago according to the sun I became the luckiest bastard in Britain
15:33when I married Sally Ellen Oakley
15:36I know how good would that make you feel except of course that Sally Ellen Oakley doesn't exist not in real life
15:43how could she she's just an invention a male fantasy created by beauticians and technicians
15:50I tell you in flesh and blood there she was in my bed
15:54I just wanted to watch the videos
15:58so
16:00so
16:01you could say
16:02my defences were down
16:03the day I met Maria
16:13was she real
16:15or the nearest thing to an angel this side of heaven
16:1821 days of terminal ecstasy
16:39I'm afraid it was starting to get serious
16:42of course
16:52being a two-timing louse isn't easy
16:55but I did have expert assistance
16:58in the shape of my PA
17:00Dorothy
17:01who's like the invisible mender
17:03can fix anything or say nothing
17:05I'm afraid she did all the dirty work
17:09keeping it all discreet covering my ass whatever
17:12whilst making no secret of the fact she thought I was on a suicide mission
17:15I thought I was on a suicide mission
17:16I don't really know my business Mr Haddon
17:18but what do you really know about this person
17:21you don't know that her motives aren't highly questionable
17:24that she isn't
17:25I don't know
17:26trying to
17:27completely toe her into your wallet
17:30Dorothy
17:31you're right
17:32as usual
17:33it is absolutely none of your business
17:36okay
17:38okay
17:39so here's the thing
17:4011.30 this morning
17:42Maria was due to set off on a 10-day tour of the Far East
17:45so
17:47yesterday
17:48with Sally out the house till six
17:49I said
17:50why not come over for a spot of lunch
17:52and
17:53after she
17:54get a cab to the airport hotel
17:56which is all going fine
17:59until Dorothy
18:01in a subtle way
18:02tries to attract my attention
18:04what now for goodness sake
18:14what do you make of that?
18:15when it's at home
18:17it's addressed to you
18:18but in very strange writing
18:19wouldn't you say
18:20I can't believe it
18:21you've been going through her personal belongings
18:22what is it like?
18:23what do you think it is?
18:25I'm telling you she's definitely up to some mischief author
18:28maybe it's a present
18:29something she's planning to surprise me with
18:31I'm asking her
18:32don't you do anything of the kind
18:33this could turn out to be some vital piece of evidence
18:37of some evil misdeed
18:403.35 sugar
18:42what time's my cab coming?
18:44oh yeah
18:45any minute
18:46well granted
18:47it did look kind of suspicious
18:49so
18:50I knuckle under
18:51and
18:52we decide to hang on to this
18:53whatever it is
18:54and then
18:55just as I'm seeing her off outside
18:57disaster strikes
19:02two hours earlier than planned right?
19:04was God being fair?
19:05so now
19:06I decide the best thing to do is just to come clean
19:09and tell her everything about me and Maria
19:11that way we can all
19:13you know
19:14talk it through
19:15let rational mature human beings
19:18I'm going to kill you you bitch
19:21I'm going to kill you you bitch
19:22get off me
19:23filthy
19:24you are a piece of bloodline
19:25I'm going to kill you
19:26I'm going to kill you
19:28you have a piece of bloodline
19:29my heart
19:30let's go
19:31I'm going to kill you
19:32I'm going to kill you
19:33get off me
19:34let's go
19:35let's go
19:36let's go
19:37let's go
19:38screw you
19:39screw you you bitch
19:40screw you you bitch
19:42screw you you bitch
19:43that we can lose it
19:45get out
19:46get out
19:47and stay out of our lies you scummy little tart
19:52but now this is where it gets too weird for words
19:54we go back indoors right
19:56Sally's given me seven kinds of hell.
19:58During which, Dorothy has spotted the package.
20:01Figures it's probably something best kept between ourselves.
20:04Only, of course, Sally notices it.
20:05She's onto it like a shot.
20:15What's at this?
20:16By now, we're all pretty baffled.
20:19Naturally, we want to see what's on that tape.
20:22I don't know what the hell I was expecting,
20:24but it certainly wasn't that.
20:26Oh, please, what do you want with me?
20:32Please tell me what you want.
20:34I just don't understand.
20:40Please tell me anymore.
20:48Sis,
20:48to Dudley Houseman,
20:52to people who are holding me prisoner.
20:54are fully prepared
20:58to kill me
21:00unless you give them what they want.
21:03found with lots of pounds and used banknotes.
21:09If two days to acquire it.
21:13Further instructions will follow later.
21:17In the meantime,
21:19this is to make sure
21:21you take the threat seriously.
21:23I...
21:23I can't.
21:25Oh, God...
21:27No, Ruth...
21:32No...
21:34No.
21:35No, no...
21:36No, no, no, no.
22:06No, no, no, no.
22:36That woman is so full of shit, Dudley, and my God, has she taken you right to the cleaners.
22:42No, no, no, no.
23:12No, no, no, no, no, no.
23:14No, no, no, no, no, no.
23:16No, no, no, no.
23:18No, no, no, no, no, no.
23:20No, no, no, no, no.
23:22No, no, no, no, no.
23:24Put it all back together again.
23:25No, no, no.
23:57No, no, no.
23:59No, no, no, no.
24:01No, no, no, no.
24:03No, no, no, no.
24:05No, no, no, no.
24:07No, no, no, no.
24:10No, no, no, no.
24:15I don't know.
24:16There's some amazing ball caps about these days.
24:18The problem's what goes underneath.
24:19I mean, that much air, you've got no chance.
24:21And when the camera goes in really close like that, you just never get away with it.
24:25So...
24:27Unless it's been got at, technically.
24:30It's safe to say you're not going to keep a wig on during all that other hullabaloo.
24:34Extensions?
24:36What are you going to fix them to?
24:38There's nothing left.
24:40This is decidedly odd though, wouldn't you say?
24:43Not real enough.
24:45It certainly looks like her hair.
24:47I mean, the amount.
24:49Look at what was cut off.
24:51There's only about a quarter of it here in this envelope.
24:53I don't know.
24:55If you're going to make a point, I just thought you'd send the whole knot to him.
24:58Perhaps I wanted to stuff a cushion.
25:06OK, folks.
25:09I'll get CGI to check out the pixelation on this.
25:11If someone's been doctoring the image, you'll soon know.
25:13In the meantime, a bit of background colour and some natural thinking.
25:16And about the rest of the country, I'm salivating already.
25:19So, here we go again then.
25:22Let me know when you want to bump up the sexual chemistry.
25:25I'll get my test to you about.
25:27Yes.
25:28I'll just try not to get too friendly with any table legs.
25:31You might end up with a splinter in it, is all I would say.
25:34Friendly with any table legs?
25:37Well, this wouldn't have anything to do with Pam, would it?
25:39The fact we've been going out together.
25:41Have you?
25:42I noticed her taking you for a walk the other day, but...
25:45What's that supposed to mean?
25:47You still haven't twigged it, have you?
25:49Even with your amazing powers.
25:51She's just gone for you on the rebound.
25:54Rebound?
25:55I don't think so.
25:56And she's not had a close relationship in any two years now.
25:59Unless you count her dog.
26:01So I failed to see the logic of that kind of theory.
26:08Oh, get real.
26:10I'm not even going to dignify that with an argument.
26:13I mean, I'm allowed to go and have a drink with someone.
26:15As long as it's not out of her toilet, of course.
26:17Can we change this subject, please?
26:19Fine.
26:20So what are we looking at here, then, do you think?
26:25Fastest transplant in history?
26:27Or some new kind of miracle growth hormone?
26:29Or a piece of deception so elementary it's almost laughable.
26:33What?
26:34Oh, come on, don't tell me you haven't sussed it yet.
26:37Whereas you have, of course.
26:39Some things drive you batty for days on end.
26:42Others just click the twinkling of an eye.
26:44Who and why will take a bit of figuring, of course, but...
26:49Look, if you want to point her, think about that sheet or cover or whatever it was there wrapped around her.
26:58Like, in a barber's? To catch all the hair?
27:03Oh, yes. They really would have been worried about messing up her clothes.
27:06I put it to you, it might have had an entirely different function.
27:11What?
27:15This glee you derive from treating me like a five-year-old really does begin to pall after a while.
27:20Like I'm totally incapable of reaching a conclusion on my own.
27:23Only trying to help.
27:24Well, don't.
27:25I work it out for myself, thank you, in my own time.
27:28With no assistance from you.
27:37Who's in the hood?
27:39My booty bosses.
27:41For research purposes.
27:48Hang on, hang on a sec. Just pull up here for a minute.
27:55Oh.
28:00Oh.
28:01Oh.
28:04Oh, this isn't good.
28:25Oh.
28:41Of course.
28:44Yep.
28:47In your own time.
28:55No, absolutely.
28:56Thanks, it's all yours.
28:57And any questions you want to ask.
28:58Dorothy here or Sally?
29:02It's my wife.
29:03This is Jonathan.
29:04And his friend Carla.
29:05Who very kindly offered to try and work out that strange thing.
29:09You remember.
29:10With Maria's hair.
29:11Yes.
29:16If you could give my husband a message for me, please.
29:18Tell him I don't give a tinker's toss about her hair.
29:21As far as I'm concerned, she can shove it up her arse.
29:24It really doesn't interest me.
29:28She says she doesn't give a tinker's toss.
29:30Sally, please.
29:31Don't do this to me.
29:32Look, if it makes you feel better, smack me in the face.
29:35I deserve it.
29:36But please.
29:38Don't go.
29:44If you could tell him that I am going away now.
29:47To be with someone who is prepared to treat me like a human being.
29:51Sally, wait.
29:59And that's where they had the fight, the two of them.
30:02I know.
30:04Doesn't make any sense all this, does it?
30:07Unless there was some amazing look-alike.
30:09Or double-involved is the only thing I can think of.
30:15And now, poor old Mr Houseman, of course.
30:17I think it's almost got him wondering whether she was not of this world.
30:21Hmm.
30:24Although I have to say, her angelic qualities were rather lost on me.
30:28Goodness knows I tried to tell him what a piece of work she was.
30:31What's that?
30:34Insulating tape.
30:36With a tiny piece cut off the end.
30:38I'm sure it's of absolutely no significance.
30:43So now, of course, she's very conveniently disappeared to the other side of the world.
30:47Yes, but she's where she'll stay if she's got any sense.
30:50I mean, we could take that video to the police.
30:52I'm sure they'd be very interested.
30:55Hmm.
30:57Have I, uh, seen your girlfriend before?
31:00Her face is familiar.
31:01Oh, possibly on the telly.
31:03But she's not my girlfriend.
31:05Oh, is she not?
31:06Right.
31:07Bye.
31:09To be with you.
31:10You showed me what I never saw.
31:16The way we threw a different door.
31:20To find what I was looking for.
31:24To be with you.
31:26To be with you.
31:27To ride on rainbows.
31:28And laugh like the morning dew.
31:29The silence sings.
31:30And the hall of kings.
31:31Can teach me nothing new.
31:32Cause all I ever knew was.
31:33I had to be with you.
31:35That's so beautiful.
31:49And that's like the main love thing.
31:51It's got, I don't know, an echo of...
31:53Bob Dylan?
31:55Well, I don't know why you'd say that.
31:58It's got, I don't know, an echo of...
32:00Bob Dylan?
32:02Well, I don't know why you'd say that.
32:07Well, he's an influence, yeah,
32:10but for critics to just dismiss everything I do
32:13as derivative sub-Dylan light,
32:15I'm afraid I find it very short-sighted.
32:18No, I just thought, for you to have written that,
32:22especially for your wife,
32:24you must really love her a lot, deep down.
32:27Obviously comes from the heart.
32:29Yeah, well...
32:31You know, I've been trying to get some interest in the States,
32:35cos Sally as Delilah would knock them dead over there, I tell you.
32:40With hopefully Michael Bolton playing Samson,
32:42Whoopi Goldberg as God, just to give her that, you know,
32:44that kind of hip thing.
32:46But what a treat to hear some really romantic lyrics
32:49when you look at the stuff some people are buying these days.
32:52Really? Like what?
32:57Now, this may or may not interest you,
33:02but I was having a little play with it earlier, and just watch.
33:05First, a picture of yours truly,
33:08on which, with any standard photo editing software,
33:11you can carefully draw around the head
33:15and select.
33:18Now, I could use any picture,
33:20but I think this one makes the point.
33:24We just shrink it down to fit,
33:26and then drag it across.
33:32Well, this is just still photography, not video,
33:35but you see the possibilities.
33:36I do.
33:38Of course you do.
33:41You have an astute and very able mind, Mr. Creek,
33:45which, in a world of shallow superficiality,
33:47I find most attractive.
33:52You might want to refer to this later.
33:55Right.
33:56Brendan, hi.
34:05Oh, really?
34:07Don't got no skanking whore
34:10Try dissing me no more
34:12I'm a give it to her raw on the floor
34:16Now da bitch on heat
34:19Gonna make her eat my meat
34:22Suck her titty like a melon
34:25Man, I ain't no felon
34:28Selling skin to my kin
34:30I'm a stick it to em' good
34:32Pimping pussy in da hood
34:35Chorus, repeat three times
34:37Yo, stick it to em' good
34:40Pimping pussy in da...
34:42I mean, pass a mouthwash or what?
34:44Can you imagine?
34:45A gynaecologist listening to this
34:46on his way to work in the morning
34:48I felt so completely tainted in every respect
34:51Okay
34:52Got everything I need
34:54Nothing about you
34:56Take it away now, I think
35:00A bit of a ponder
35:01Are you all ready?
35:06Her point being what?
35:08The image on that recording
35:09may not have been genuine
35:10Hmm?
35:12Oh, yes, I want to tell you
35:13Brendan rang
35:14to say that video's now been
35:16through computer graphics
35:17and the picture's definitely
35:18not been tampered with
35:19And you might want to give that
35:21some consideration
35:22Richard rolled under one of those
35:24curtains in the sitting room
35:26Now draw your attention
35:27to the small piece
35:28five millimetres square
35:29which has been cut off the end
35:30What am I looking at?
35:34Some industrial strength
35:35toupee tape
35:36Just say the word
35:41and I'll put you out of your misery
35:41I'm not throwing the towel in yet
35:43All right
35:45You might be wanting this little clue
35:47I've prepared for you then
35:48It would appear not
35:50How many seas must a white dove sail
35:58before it can sleep in the sand?
36:01Go on
36:01How many roads must a man walk down
36:04before you can call him a man?
36:06Blowing in the wind
36:07Yes
36:08And what's it supposed to be telling me?
36:10If I told you that
36:11it wouldn't be a clue, would it?
36:17Anywhere here will be fine, Hank
36:18So
36:25what's on the agenda tonight?
36:28Tonight?
36:29Yes
36:30Tonight
36:31Vis-a-vis everything
36:33Oh, right
36:35Well, I thought we might just have
36:37an evening in at my place
36:39I'll cook us a meal
36:39maybe open a bottle of wine
36:41nothing earth-shattering
36:42Fine, then
36:43I'll see you
36:45It's only business of yours
36:51How many seas must a white dove sail?
36:58You think that could be the letter C
36:59to spell something out?
37:01Sleep in the sand
37:06Presumably means it's dead
37:08A dead bird
37:12Except she wasn't dead
37:15she just had her hair cut off
37:16How many roads must a man walk down?
37:24There was something in that road outside the house
37:26that caught his attention
37:28Do you know, I wouldn't be surprised
37:33if this whole thing is completely meaningless
37:35What's that, my love?
37:37He said this was a clue
37:38I mean, does anything strike you from that of any kind?
37:41You mean apart from the fact
37:42that it's the wrong way round?
37:43What?
37:44The lyrics are the wrong way round
37:46How many roads must a man walk down
37:48is the first line of the song
37:49Then, how many seas must a white dove sail
37:51before she can sleep in the sand?
37:53The wrong way round, of course!
37:56Because in Samson and Delilah
37:57she cut his hair off
38:00So...
38:07Actually, he suggested I go over there tonight
38:11to his place
38:12kick it around a bit more, so...
38:17No problem, sweetheart
38:18This'll keep you round the line
38:19Obviously, if that's a lot of facts
38:21I know, I'm not alone
38:22After he cheated, we can walk.''
38:23I was just gonna short
38:36to his sex
38:40What's that?
38:41Well...
38:42That's good
38:43How many people have a life
38:46came from nowhere
38:48Come on.
39:18home. This is killing me. For God's sake, how can you bear to even be there? With him?
39:33Yeah, well, I don't know what makes you think that I'd be with Angus, especially as he happens
39:42to be in Chicago tonight. I'm sorry, Dudley, but there is nothing left to talk about.
40:05Could you get the car out, please, Dorothy? You'll take him for a drive.
40:20Mr. Houseman, are you sure this is one of your brightest ideas? Dudley?
40:28Ah, well, isn't the lovely Angus? Curiously, my wife seemed to think was in Chicago at the moment.
40:38Yes, in the musical Chicago. I've just come off stage. Why?
40:43I'll tell you why, Angus. Because you could just open this bloody door right now. Because
40:53I've come to take her home. And I know all about the two of you and your mucky little goings-on
41:00in there. And quite frankly, I find it unseemly and disgusting to take advantage of someone.
41:10Oh! Get!
41:33Jonathan?
41:40Hello? Anyone in? God, he's actually chucking it down out there.
41:47Oh, my God!
41:48Oh, my God!
41:49Oh, my God!
41:50Oh, my God!
41:51I'm sorry. The train was a bit late.
41:53Oh, my God!
41:54Oh, my God!
41:55Oh, my God!
42:14Sorry. The train was a bit late.
42:16bit late. Were you coming to look for me? No, I just had to catch the first post for
42:21the morning. I left the front door unlocked, just in case. Oh, God, it's a miserable night.
42:27Oh, I can't wait to get inside. Why have we stopped here? Hmm? Oh, God knows. Come on.
42:46I think we're going to have to get you out of this lot, aren't we? Oh, you're safe, dear.
43:03Right due to the skin. Oh, yeah. The old coat seemed better days, I suppose. It's a lovely
43:10coat. Where do you keep your towels? I'm just going to give you a nice good rubdown, I think.
43:24Here we are. You are a wet old thing, aren't you? With a very cold nose.
43:40You know, I think we may be the wrong way round. Sorry?
44:10Look, you and me. The wrong way round.
44:14Oh, God. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. It was very unnatural, suddenly.
44:43Oh, wait. What's wrong? I'm not to say totally perverse.
44:45What is it? I mean, is it something I've said or done or...
44:49For God's sake, are you blind? It's everything you've said and done from the minute you first
44:54met. If you go out with a guy, it's for who he is. As a guy. For the way he thinks and
45:00feels and behaves. Not just as a faithful companion you can feed biscuits to. And Pam, you're still
45:10not ready for that. It's too soon. I mean, Jonathan's never going to win prizes at crafts.
45:17You can see that. Yes, I think I see now. That I seem to have wandered into an insane asylum.
45:39I can't even bring myself to ask. No, but you'll thank me for it in the morning. More importantly, I think I did it. Finally. The wrong way round. When she said it just then, it's like you said. When it suddenly just clicks into place in the twinkling of an eye.
46:05I've always said the human race is broadly divided into angels and trolls. And
46:34believe me, the angels don't always get the best of it. Because when beautiful people fall in love with each other, they'd better be sure it's not because they're beautiful people.
46:49When the late Mrs. Houseman and I fell in love in 1953, we were both pretty ugly customers. And that's how we knew it was real. And probably why I've spent most of my time among them ever since.
47:13Ugly customers. They take me as I am, you see.
47:20They take me as I am, you see.
47:27Duddle is not a bad sod. But he does get very easily confused.
47:35This one would probably do for Creek. Yes. He said ideally it was after something a bit smaller.
47:54Hello? Look, you may not believe this. There's no reason why you should believe it. But it's you he needs here now.
48:13Alright, he's not actually conscious at the moment. But when he does wake up, I really think you're going to have to be around to sort him out because otherwise, well that's it. You know, I'm sorry. I've done everything I can.
48:29Yes, you've done that Dorothy. And a hell of a lot more besides, haven't you? To try and save this marriage.
48:42Did I commit a crime? Well, I suppose it wasn't a very nice thing to do to that young lady. But then she wasn't being very nice herself, really, was she? Wrecking someone's home, their marriage.
48:54Oh, I know he was just as much to blame for it all, but he never could sort himself out. In any department, he wouldn't know where to start.
49:07But then the fact that you practically run Dudley's life for him was the bedrock of the whole operation.
49:13If he'd only stopped fretting and panicking for a second, he'd probably have realised there was only one person here.
49:20with the access and the contacts and, I have to say, the sheer calculated guile to carry a thing like this off.
49:29And you weren't very hard to play that down this morning and going all girly on me.
49:34Most men would have run a mile.
49:37Desperately trying to palm me off with another solution, look-alikes, trick photography,
49:42in the hope that I'd never tumble to the real answer and pass it on.
49:45Which, to give you credit, you haven't.
49:48Look, alright, it was a bit radical, but...
49:52I wouldn't feel bad about it, Dorothy.
49:54I think we all know where you were coming from here.
49:57Desperation, basically.
49:59Because they have so much going for them, really and truly, when you get down to what matters.
50:03And the trouble with Mr Houseman, he doesn't know what he wants till he hasn't got it anymore.
50:08So, taking your brief of managing his affairs, fairly literally, you come up with an inspired plan to make it look as if she's after his money.
50:18The general idea is that she's faked her own kidnap, with the help of some confederate or other, and the two of them are going to pocket the ransom.
50:24Of course, it was you who lined up the confederates, to make it all look convincing.
50:31A couple of technical types and one performer was actually all it took.
50:35People who owed me a favour. There's quite a few of them in this business.
50:39I made a few calls, we got together to talk about the general shape of it.
50:43That end of it was all pretty straightforward, actually.
50:47So how was it meant to go? You find a suspicious package in her case,
50:52and she's presumably planning to send him after she's left the country,
50:56inside a recording, obviously all staged, showing her at the mercy of a kidnapper and demanding lots of money.
51:04The whole thing's clearly a set-up. Even Dudley's going to realise now, the girl who came round for lunch, wearing a very good wig,
51:10has taken him for a sucker. Exit Maria.
51:14Problem though, how the hell do you fake that video?
51:18We've all seen it, we all agree it was her, we all agree it was real.
51:23How do you tie a woman up, cut her hair off and film it without her knowing?
51:29It's quite clearly impossible.
51:31But of course, the nap with an illusion is to make people think they've seen something they haven't.
51:36When I finally twigged, it was the simplest thing in the world. The two events. A woman having her head shaved, and being dragged across the grass with a full set of hair, weren't impossible in themselves.
51:52We were just looking at them the wrong way round.
51:55Thanks to a preconception we all have, which is that when you put a tape in a video machine and press play, all comes up on the screen is the past tense.
52:04But if you're not pressing play, but record, and if the VCR's already been tuned to receive a live local signal, suddenly everything they watched that day becomes frighteningly possible.
52:17Of course, the whole thing had to be staged very close by, which is why I had a slight wobble when I couldn't see another building for miles.
52:27But the fact that a large vehicle had recently parked there told its own story.
52:35Don't ask me about the technology. That was Doug and Roger's department. I know they had to set up some kind of transmitter thing on the roof.
52:48The chappy in the hood was a slightly dodgy actor friend I thought would be rather good in the role. His brief was to lop off a big chunk of hair.
52:57But I'm afraid on the day you did get a bit scissor happy.
53:04Hence the disparity between the duplicate hair you'd already planted in the envelope and what we saw coming off on the screen.
53:11I suppose I'd got Delilah on the brain. What I'd planned as a kind of extra little flourish suddenly became this major number.
53:18Because when Sally came home early, bang went any hope you had of keeping a lid on the affair.
53:25Worse still, that tussle on the lawn totally put pay to the scenario of a woman wearing a wig.
53:31But the simple truth was, at that point, Maria's hair hadn't yet been cut off.
53:37Oddly enough, none of that was going through my mind at the time.
53:42Besides which, it was far too late to call off the dogs.
53:46Of course, they had to cover up the clothes she'd just left the house in while the game was up.
54:07What's this?
54:08What's this?
54:19Sis!
54:21Don't tell us.
54:23Five hundred thousand pounds in his banknotes.
54:26The instant spore bag was a nice touch. After it was over, just to fix the idea they'd been watching a recording,
54:42during which the little red light on the display would have been a bit of a giveaway if you hadn't thought to mask it off beforehand.
54:47Well, I had too much on my mind to be worrying where a roll of tape had disappeared to.
54:53They dropped her home afterwards, of course, with a simple injunction,
54:57stay away from Dudley, stay away from the police, and she'd live a long and healthy life.
55:02Which I suppose will be the test in the end, don't you think?
55:06The depth of her love and devotion.
55:08Dorothy!
55:09Yes!
55:10Coming, Mr. Alston!
55:11Dorothy!
55:12Dorothy!
55:13Yes!
55:14Coming, Mr. Alston!
55:15Dorothy!
55:16Dorothy!
55:17Dorothy!
55:18Thank you, Mr. Alston!
55:48Oh, wow, Mrs. Houseman. I'm so sorry. He's just been sick all over the bathroom floor.
56:11OK, Dorothy, if you want to get along now.
56:17Yeah.
56:33Kill him. The bloody murderer and the batty old fool.
56:37Why don't you use this one?
56:39I made it about three years ago for some satirical or sketch show or other.
56:43It was only ever used once. I can't remember why.
56:46Well, we know why now, don't we?
56:48And what are the chances of that anyway?
56:50The network director of programmes watching here live in his office when it goes out.
56:55I can't imagine what Adam's going to say when he realised.
57:09It's live television. I've had just about a basin full of it.
57:16It is a screen, though. Come on.
57:20Oh. Is this yours?
57:23Oh, yes, I came across that. I thought it might interest you.
57:26It's an interview with the lead singer of Booty Posse.
57:29It's a little caveat. Not to go forming hasty conclusions.
57:33And when do I ever do that?
57:35Oh.
57:38Indifferent to the cross-generational flack, his prayer apocanthons always elicit.
57:42Doogie T just grins.
57:44You know, I sent a copy of Hose into Hood to my stepfather,
57:48just to keep him abreast of my progress.
57:50Guy rings up. He's like Plutonium Man.
57:53I've got to be so sick between the ears, but I'm like,
57:56hey, when did a Harley Street gynaecologist know shit from shit anyhow?
58:02Harley Street?
58:05Stepfather.
58:09Oh, my God.
58:13What have I done?
58:15I don't know. What have you done?
58:19On the way here tonight...
58:23Well, there was hardly anyone about.
58:33Oh!
58:48Oh. My. God.
58:51Well, there you are, you see.
58:54Pays to keep your hair on, is what I always say.
58:56Oh.
58:59Oh.
59:04Oh.
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