- 16 minutes ago
First broadcast 7th March 2014.
A retired local psychic inadvertently makes the most amazing and impossible prediction of his career.
Alan Davies - Jonathan Creek
Sarah Alexander - Polly Creek
Marc Danbury - Burglar 1
Tim Faraday - Crispin Gilpin
James Bachman - Rev Hugh Chater
John Bird - Horace Greeley
Jarred Christmas - Warwick
David Gant - Eric Ipswich
Selina Griffiths - Alison Chater
John Walters - The Sandman
Chloe Buswell - Polly's Mother
Ella Purton - Young Polly
Adam Grayson - Young Eric Ipswich
John Voce - Captain Ian Amery-Cooper
Michael Troughton - Leonard Corbyn
Richard Banks - Man at 1960s fair
Mike Fordham - Polly's Father
A retired local psychic inadvertently makes the most amazing and impossible prediction of his career.
Alan Davies - Jonathan Creek
Sarah Alexander - Polly Creek
Marc Danbury - Burglar 1
Tim Faraday - Crispin Gilpin
James Bachman - Rev Hugh Chater
John Bird - Horace Greeley
Jarred Christmas - Warwick
David Gant - Eric Ipswich
Selina Griffiths - Alison Chater
John Walters - The Sandman
Chloe Buswell - Polly's Mother
Ella Purton - Young Polly
Adam Grayson - Young Eric Ipswich
John Voce - Captain Ian Amery-Cooper
Michael Troughton - Leonard Corbyn
Richard Banks - Man at 1960s fair
Mike Fordham - Polly's Father
Category
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TVTranscript
00:00To be continued...
00:29So just to fix it, it's Dr. Chrissie and Crispin Gilpin.
00:37It's too tricky. I'm sorry. I'm going to call him Dr. Crippin. I know I am.
00:41He's a wrestling critic for Sky Sports.
00:44Made a lot of golf with my dad.
00:46And she's also a very talented artist,
00:49working on some big painting for the church at the moment, I think she said.
00:52So, no, they're very nice. They're very down-to-work people.
00:55So, there's no way you're going to know her the tone, I promise.
01:02A wrestling critic for Sky, that's like pointlessness cubed.
01:25A wrestling critic for Sky, that's like pointlessness.
01:27So, there's no way you're going to know her.
01:28A wrestling critic for Sky.
01:29A wrestling critic for Sky.
01:30A wrestling critic for Sky.
01:31A wrestling critic for Sky.
01:32A wrestling critic for Sky.
01:33A wrestling critic for Sky.
01:34A wrestling critic for Sky.
01:35A wrestling critic for Sky.
01:36A wrestling critic for Sky.
01:37A wrestling critic for Sky.
01:38A wrestling critic for Sky.
01:39A wrestling critic for Sky.
01:40A wrestling critic for Sky.
01:41A wrestling critic for Sky.
01:42A wrestling critic for Sky.
01:43A wrestling critic for Sky.
01:44A wrestling critic for Sky.
01:45A wrestling critic for Sky.
01:46A wrestling critic for Sky.
01:47A wrestling critic for Sky.
01:48A wrestling critic for Sky.
01:49A wrestling critic for Sky.
01:50A wrestling critic for Sky.
01:51A wrestling critic for Sky.
01:52Chrissy, Crispin, are you okay to come in?
02:06We're a little bit early.
02:10Hello? Anyone at home?
02:16Very odd.
02:26I might just try her studio, which I think is out the back somewhere. I'll be two sacks.
02:46I'll be two sacks.
03:04I'll be two sacks.
03:08What do you think?
03:32Oh, my God.
04:03Hang on a sec. Hang on a sec.
04:23OK. Right.
04:31What's going on?
04:32Ah, Polly. Yeah, sorry. What's going on is that we've had a break-in.
04:38Yes?
04:39Just came downstairs, found these two characters in mass, going through the bloody safe, didn't we?
04:42It was unbelievable.
04:43Managed to clobber the pair of them from behind, got them secure till the police get here,
04:46but, well, it's like Chrissie says. What if there's more of them waiting in the van?
04:49Dare say they'll take a minute to get here, but...
04:52How far is the nearest police station? Anyway, it's got to be ten miles.
04:58Oh, I'm not getting a signal.
05:04Oh, bugger.
05:05Stop them.
05:07Whatever you do, stay put.
05:09There are two burglars in the house and they couldn't be...
05:17Oh, good. Well, that's all under control, then.
05:21We'll just get the sprouts on.
05:26Well, this is shaping up for a really fun-packed evening, I must say.
05:29I suppose they've taken everything.
05:31Mm-hmm.
05:32Oh, I don't.
06:01What does Japanese knotweed look like?
06:09Sorry?
06:10I think I just found some down in the wood.
06:12It's absolutely lethal, all that stuff, once it starts to spread.
06:18We may have to get someone in.
06:22What?
06:23No, it's just where I broke my wrist a couple of years ago.
06:26I didn't mind if I just set it off again.
06:29Great.
06:31PHONE RINGS
06:35Oh, hi, Chrissie, hi.
06:38Listen, I'm so sorry about last night.
06:40I don't suppose the police have managed to...
06:43No, no.
06:45Not sure, but I can check.
06:47Asking if you've any plans to spring the Yorkshire Ripper from jail this morning.
06:51No, no, I think he's learnt his lesson.
06:54Sorry?
06:56What time was that before?
06:57Oh, no, it's the least we can do. Yes, definitely.
07:01Well, I can't, sadly, but I'm sure Jonathan will happily step up to the plate.
07:06Yes.
07:07Leave it with me, Chrissie, and I'll sort it.
07:10Okay.
07:11Bye.
07:15What plate is this I'm stepping up to now?
07:17The volunteer drivers who ferry people up to the surgery for their appointments.
07:21They're a bit short-staffed this morning, and there's a patient of hers, Mr Ipswich.
07:25He's about 150.
07:26Obviously I would if I could, but I've got the village hall committee attend, so, um, go on.
07:31You'll be rewarded in heaven.
07:35Mr Ipswich.
07:37Why do I know I'm going to regret this?
07:46Morning, Hugh. Are you well?
07:48Hi.
07:49How's the new arrival? Still keeping you both up all night?
07:52Yes.
07:53Beginning to see the appeal of a manger.
07:55You must come round both if you say hello.
07:57Alison's practically selling tickets.
07:59Well, put me down for two.
08:01It's a living super-duper.
08:03Yes, they've done a marvellous job.
08:04Wonder why Mr Greeley sounded so down about it on the phone.
08:08Er, so, er, very good.
08:10So, welcome everybody.
08:12I think we have a quorum.
08:16Er, if I could start by introducing my nephew, Warwick,
08:19who's, er, over here from New Zealand for a few weeks.
08:22He'll be helping us keep track of our discussions.
08:25Now, I'm sure we've all had a chance to admire the really splendid efforts
08:28of our builders and design team, who've worked tirelessly
08:31to give this centre here such a facelift.
08:35As you know, this has all been largely made possible
08:37by the generosity of a local lottery winner,
08:40the businessman and chairman of the Rotary Club,
08:42Sir Leonard Corbyn.
08:45His donation to our project was a handsome one,
08:48and in recognition of this, it was decided unanimously
08:51to rededicate the building in his honour,
08:55which presents us with a slight problem,
08:57as he's just been arrested and charged
08:59with molesting several senior members of the Women of Sprite Hour.
09:02Warwick?
09:03Yes, details still coming in on this one,
09:05but it seems to have occurred at a recent garden party
09:08where his passion for pressing the flesh got a little out of hand.
09:13Oh, please.
09:14And since that news broke, more women have come forward
09:16with similar accounts of sexual misconduct,
09:19including a dental hygienist who claims
09:21that he used to put his hands in his pockets
09:23and floss himself during treatment,
09:26and also an heir stewardess who caught him once
09:30using the vomit bag for other purposes.
09:32Yes, well, this is not a little embarrassing.
09:37Which is why we need to look at some bold cosmetic adjustments
09:40to repair the damage.
09:42Warwick?
09:43Yes, so another name now obviously required.
09:46And we were thinking, why not the Conrad Bloiner Centre?
09:53Sorry, Conrad Bloiner.
09:54Not a gentleman I'm familiar with.
09:56Well, no, obviously there's no such person called Conrad Bloiner,
10:00but given that the letters on the wall out there
10:02for Leonard Corbyn
10:04have all been individually cast for us at considerable cost,
10:07I think it would be somewhat profligate just to throw them away.
10:10People are rarely bothered about the provenance of a name,
10:13as long as it's crisp and memorable, Warwick.
10:15Yes, there are other contenders you might want to consider.
10:19For example, the Orlando Crenby Centre,
10:22a possible Eurosceptic, we thought,
10:25in the John Major government.
10:28Or Rodney Claiborne,
10:31could have been a local soccer hero in the 1950s.
10:34Or what about alternative comedian
10:38turned Daily Mail feature writer,
10:41Brendan O'Claury. I mean, I'd buy it.
10:44Yes, look, while I agree there is a problem here to be addressed,
10:49I'm not sure that inventing local benefactors with silly names
10:53is quite the way forward, is it?
10:55And if we're talking silly, Mr Greeley,
10:57we've got a bone to pick with you
10:59about this piece in your latest parish newsletter.
11:02Subsidance in the south transept of the church.
11:05Could it be linked to my predecessor turning in his grave?
11:09If that's meant to be a joke, it's a rather lame one.
11:12Oh, you know what you could have?
11:14Is Ronan Clodbury, which would be...
11:17No, no, rubbish, whole thing.
11:19Completely ridiculous.
11:20No, we've definitely got to, er, rethink.
11:23To be continued...
11:39To be continued...
11:42Good morning, Mr. Ipswich.
12:07You ready?
12:10It's Jonathan.
12:12Mr. Ipswich?
12:20You ready?
12:23It's Jonathan.
12:37Mr. Ipswich?
12:40You all right?
12:42Jonathan.
12:44I've come to take you up to the doctors.
12:50Do you need any help at all?
12:53Get your hands off.
12:55I've come to drive you to the doctors at 12.30.
12:58Oh, I can't be doing with all of that.
13:01I've got to go to the doctors.
13:04I'll be here in a minute to pick me up.
13:07A waste of time.
13:10There's nothing wrong with me.
13:13Who are you, anyway?
13:14Right, why don't I leave you to get ready?
13:26Oh, is this you out here in your younger days?
13:30Very impressive.
13:31I'm very similar, actually, to the kind of stuff I used to get up to before I...
13:35Oh, God.
13:38So what did they say, the paramedics?
13:51Did they think it was a stroke, or...?
13:52How serious?
13:53We'll have to wait and see, but...
13:54Well, it'll be no hardship getting out of that house for a while.
13:59The police hasn't seen a lick of paint since his wife died, and that's got to be 50 years ago.
14:04It'll be the perfect time now, actually, to try and get in there while he's not around and blow away some of those cobwebs.
14:09Oh, yes.
14:12Now, then, what do you think?
14:15Specially commissioned for the Church of Estabule by our very own Dr Gilpin.
14:20Such a talent.
14:22People amaze me.
14:23Yes, I think I saw this through the window in her studio.
14:25And do you see what she's done?
14:27Very clever.
14:28All the figures in the crowd, she's made into local parishioners.
14:32There's Mr and Mrs Gibbs' look from the butchers.
14:36There's Mrs Prosser.
14:37Mr. Greeley.
14:42Yours truly, and Hugh.
14:44And look!
14:46She's even managed to squeeze the two of you in at the last minute.
14:51How sweet is that?
14:53Yes, it's, um...
14:55Such a cute little twist.
14:58What do you mean?
15:01Giving you pride of place among the cherubim.
15:04Obviously so, your angelic qualities.
15:08Jonathan!
15:09How are you?
15:11Are you well?
15:11Yes, I'm good.
15:12Oh, sorry.
15:13I'm so sorry.
15:14No, just since this morning.
15:16I think I overdid it a bit.
15:19Whacking the ketchup bottle.
15:21Fine.
15:23Yes.
15:25Shall we, um...
15:26Oh, isn't he divine?
15:32Well, not literally, of course.
15:34I have to be careful what I say around here.
15:36And you've got all the toys, look, and gadgets and paraphernalia.
15:41Oh, gone completely overboard.
15:44What do you expect?
15:44I know...
15:45Sorry to interrupt, Mrs Chater, but there appears to be a man down there relieving himself against your hedge.
15:50Oh, yes.
15:54He looks as if he's starting to flag, doesn't he?
15:58Perhaps I'll just pop down, see if he needs a top-up.
16:00Ah, I feel I must explain.
16:05Um, this chap who's come to do some garden work for us, I happen to mention we've got a plague of badgers at the moment churning up the lawn every night.
16:14He said the one thing that deters them, apparently, is male human urine.
16:18So, what with that and this other strange creature that's been seen on the prowl, yes, it is quite scary.
16:26Strange creature?
16:27Oh, yes.
16:29It's a beast from hell, according to Mr Stebbings on the corner.
16:33He says he was coming home from the pub the other night, and as he passed our house, he saw this huge hump-backed thing crawling across the grass.
16:42Far too big for any dog, or a small deer, even.
16:45He says it looked at him through the bushes for a moment, with these demonic, glowing green eyes, and then vanished.
16:56One for your collection, maybe.
16:58Don't they say you're a bit of a mystery solver?
17:00I wonder if he can help us.
17:02Your man with our Japanese knotweed.
17:05Because I think we might have a slight problem.
17:07I know, really.
17:09You might want to keep that one to yourself.
17:11They get so much as a sniff of anything like that round here, and we'll have a mass panic on our hands.
17:15And if someone else will start panicking, if we don't let him get his faulty winks.
17:20So, time to leave you to the Sandman, I think.
17:24Let him work his magic.
17:26Bring you lots of nice dreams.
17:27So that's that, then.
17:37I might as well walk about now with a large white arrow pointed at my flies.
17:42And painted by a doctor.
17:43What are people going to think?
17:44I've got some unfortunate hormone deficiency.
17:47You see what I mean?
17:48It's very worrying.
17:49An ancient Palestine.
17:50What do we do about it?
17:51Can't even claim it was a cold day.
17:54I'm sorry, it's just pure vindictiveness.
17:57Are you listening to me?
18:00So, whereabouts?
18:02These look like carrots to me.
18:04They are carrots.
18:06And before you ask me why, my father would grow carrots in a wood.
18:08He just did.
18:09As long as I can remember.
18:10What?
18:15No, I just got that thing again.
18:17That kind of cold shudder I had in the bedroom.
18:21When he mentioned the Sandman?
18:22Yeah, to do with a dream I used to have.
18:25Like this nightmare.
18:27The Sandman.
18:30Who I know is supposed to be this friendly old character who sprinkles sand in your eyes and sends you off to sleep.
18:35In my dream, he's not a nice person at all.
18:41But this terrifying figure of evil who calls around your house in the middle of the night and...
18:54And does what?
18:56I don't know.
18:59I don't know.
19:01It scared me so much I would always wake up at that point in a cold sweat.
19:05How do we feel about this?
19:26Message from Alison.
19:27She says while he's away in hospital, old Mr. Ipswich,
19:30she's going to get a little decorating party together.
19:33Try and make it a bit more welcoming.
19:35We'd be up for that, wouldn't we?
19:37Suppose so.
19:39Ten Rillington Place would be more welcoming.
19:43Come on.
19:44It's what people do.
19:46You're not living in a Wimmel anymore.
19:48You have to engage with the community.
19:51Yes, what community would that be?
19:53Twin Peaks?
19:53What happened to that quiet little haven of rural serenity we were going to escape to after a busy day at the office?
20:06I know, I know.
20:09You're going to be long.
20:11Two sacks.
20:11So how much longer do you reckon?
20:17Because I'm slightly going off the boil here.
20:20I know, but very important to stretch before any physical exercise.
20:24Don't want to get cramp.
20:26It's good for getting the blood flowing into the tissues.
20:30Well, it's having the opposite effect on me, I have to say.
20:33Oh, and will you stop with that constant inspection?
20:37I'll have a quiet word with her tomorrow.
20:40See if she can put a tiny wisp of gauze over it or something.
20:43Why a tiny wisp of gauze?
20:46Why do you say that?
20:47No need to be stingy with the gauze.
20:49Plenty of gauze to go around.
20:52Were you like this as a child?
20:56Insecure or what?
20:57Oh, I just think...
20:59Oh, this is a joke, surely.
21:01Oh, what now?
21:03Latest edition of Mr. Greeley's parish newsletter.
21:07Fears of massive biblical retribution swept through the village this week
21:11after a local businessman became embroiled in a sleazy sex scandal.
21:16The Book of Revelation talks of four horsemen of the apocalypse.
21:19Death, war, pestilence and famine.
21:22Three of which have already materialised.
21:26Death.
21:26The sudden passing on Friday of Mrs. Enid Spackwell, age 94.
21:31War.
21:32The boundary dispute over who owns the ditch next to the Angler's Arms.
21:37Pestilence.
21:37A plague of badgers near the church
21:39and more alarming still,
21:41the threat of Japanese knotweed engulfing the village.
21:44It's stressed there is no sign yet of any famine
21:48and no reason whatever to resort to panic buying.
21:51Well, I can guess what the result of that will be.
21:53How the hell did he get hold of that?
21:56That's just creepy.
21:58Isn't it?
21:59That is the curious account
22:02of that strange wild beast
22:05that was sighted in the Vicarage Garden the other night.
22:08Yeah, but there's no account of that in here.
22:12That is what is curious.
22:14It's all right, darling.
22:38It's only the Sandman.
22:39It's all right, darling.
22:47It's only the Sandman.
22:51It's all right.
22:52The Sandman.
22:54It's just the Sandman.
22:56It's just the Sandman.
22:59It's just the Sandman.
23:01It's just the same time.
23:06The same time.
23:07The same time.
23:31Oh, thanks a lot. Cheers.
23:37Oh, hi.
23:39Welcome to the Middle Ages.
23:41I think we just found some more bits of Richard III in the guest bedroom.
23:44Can't be totally sure, but...
23:45Well, he's going to be in for a surprise when he gets back.
23:48Oh, no. He's well aware what we're up to.
23:51I mean, he was looking at poor old Saul last night when I went to visit.
23:54But, you know what?
23:56I'm hoping this will give him a reason to pull through, so...
23:59What do you fancy?
24:01You've got five layers of wallpaper in this room.
24:03We're currently chipping our way through.
24:05Or, if you want to make sense of all that lumber out there,
24:08which is like bills and bank statements and Christmas cards dating back 20 years or more.
24:13Yeah, we could let it go.
24:15As with this wrist, it's still giving me grief.
24:18Can you believe, just from smacking the sauce out, how many days ago now?
24:22So, Astrodomis.
24:32What was that?
24:33Some kind of fortune-telling act he used to do?
24:36He's bringing a slight bell now.
24:38Apparently, the world's worst.
24:40If you read some of those scrapbooks and cuttings,
24:42talk about him being booed off the stage every night.
24:44It's very sad.
24:45Isn't Jonathan used to be involved with that sort of, um...
24:49Yes, he is.
24:51But then, you know, it's that thing with creative people.
24:54So easy to get into a rut.
24:56So important to maintain the stimulation.
24:59As he never tires of telling us.
25:01How do you mean?
25:02Well, I'm broad-minded, Polly,
25:04but there are some things I don't think you need to keep sharing with everyone, do you?
25:08What does he call it?
25:10Whacking the ketchup bottle and smacking the sauce out?
25:14What in earth are you talking about?
25:15I think we get the drift, don't we?
25:18Scattering his seed.
25:20Do you want me to spell it out?
25:22Oh, look, can we just drop the subject and pretend I never mentioned it?
25:27Hello?
25:30What's this?
25:31It's in writing.
25:38We'll win.
25:40What will win, I wonder?
25:44Where are the numbers?
25:49Must have meant something once, I suppose, to somebody.
25:52Yes.
25:56What?
25:57No.
25:58Oh, no, come on.
26:01Going right off my trolley now, Alison.
26:04I'm sorry, but I just have to...
26:06How many layers of paper are we saying here?
26:11Five?
26:12So we're thinking this writing has been under here for what?
26:15Anything up to 50 years.
26:18Oh, well, no.
26:18This is really freaking me out now.
26:20I'm sorry.
26:21Because...
26:21Because what?
26:23Leonard Corbyn.
26:25Our disgraced local benefactor at the village hall.
26:28These are his winning lottery numbers.
26:29I mean, all this stuff, this mind reading and astral prediction stuff, is all just a trick, obviously.
26:39This is a trick.
26:40It has to be.
26:42I don't know.
26:43I mean, if there's any way of faking all that wallpaper, which, remember, the whole room's
26:48then got to match, how does he know you're going to come in here at some vague point of
26:53the future and take it all off?
26:55But to have come up with the exact six numbers, decades before it happened...
26:59Would make the amazing Astrodamus, aka Eric Ipswich, the most impressive clairvoyant who
27:06ever lived?
27:09It's a small piece of plaster.
27:13There's no more fear between the two words.
27:16It's still stuck to the paper, maybe.
27:19Isn't that significant?
27:21Always safe to assume, Mrs. Chaser, there's nothing that's insignificant.
27:27You still got that local press report there.
27:30Just said the whole thing was a complete one-off.
27:33First time ever he'd done the lottery.
27:34Just went out and bought a ticket.
27:37Completely random numbers on a total whim.
27:40Said his wife, Rebecca, 51.
27:42It was such a shock.
27:44And so unlike him in the first place.
27:46I'm still waiting to come back down to earth.
27:48Ah.
27:49Mm.
27:50Now.
27:52I think...
27:55It looks like a small cross.
27:58Oh, good.
27:59So that tells us everything, then.
28:02I think I'm ready for a strong couple of coffee.
28:04And?
28:07Does it tell us anything?
28:08Well, depends how you look at it.
28:11Quite literally.
28:13It does at least suggest one very slender possible line of inquiry.
28:18I mean, what on earth do you think we're looking at, then?
28:21Some sort of amazingly elaborate set-up designed to just freak us all out, or...?
28:30Well, very calculated deception is certainly part of it.
28:35Strangely, I can't help feeling nothing to do with this writing on the wall.
28:42I can't help feeling nothing to do with this writing on the wall.
28:43I've never felt like it in the last place, but it's always to be able to do with this writing on the wall.
28:43I've never felt like it one of these writing.
29:03And now, by means of collusion with the celestial forces that shape our destiny, I shall make
29:23my pristicy and place it in this envelope which I will hand to the lovely Jesse.
29:37Jesse.
29:39Come on, Jesse.
29:42Come on, Jesse.
29:43There you go.
29:45Feel off the cellophane from that deck of playing cards.
29:52Break the seal and carefully slide out the pack and place it on the table.
30:02Cut the pack and show the card you have just chosen to the audience.
30:10What do you think?
30:11Oh, what do I say?
30:12Oh, Billy.
30:13Come on.
30:14There he is.
30:15Come on, Billy.
30:16There he is.
30:17Wait, no, wait.
30:19Come on, Billy.
30:20Please.
30:21Don't go.
30:22Please.
30:23High five.
30:25Oh, no, no, no.
30:27Let's get on your car, please.
30:28Come on, Billy.
30:29Oh, no, no, no, no.
30:32Please, don't go.
30:33Please.
30:34High five.
30:35Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
30:37Let's go.
30:38Oh, no, no.
30:39so he was just completely rubbish basically well anyway thank you mr. Greeley for fishing that out
30:49one of his last ever performances sadly just before he gave it all up to go to work in a bank
30:54why all the critics had to be so cruel we all have our off days no doubt this whole affair
30:59will be featuring prominently in the next edition of your parish newsletter well a more astonishing
31:05phenomenon would be hard to imagine and when a man of your reputation is baffled what else are we to
31:10think that his powers of clairvoyance were more remarkable than anyone gave him credit for
31:15but now 40 years after astro dermis retired we may be witnessing his finest hour
31:21i don't think so do you well time will tell mr creek remember not everyone shares your cynicism
31:31i think you'll find that around here most people's minds are still very much open
31:34to all sorts of wondrous possibilities yes i'd noticed
31:41in the
32:11words of ebenezer scrooge i'll retire to bedlam that's why we call them your flock darling
32:16because they behave like sheep did you get bread rolls last two in the shop it's like a plague of
32:21locusts have been through
32:22yeah that's awkward the rector at st mark's has got hooping cough he's asking if i could step in
32:31tonight for their even song well how is that going to work with my hospital visits you know sally and
32:37frida both tied up on mondays where are we going to find a babysitter at this short notice so you know
32:43where everything is i'd imagine he was going to be back probably nine at the latest and honestly i don't
32:48think you'll have any trouble um but you've got both our mobiles yes yes no no if it's any help to
32:53you and your deliberations be my guest i think those will be the parish records for the period
32:59you're after birth deaths and marriages i'm amazed they were all still here to be honest
33:04well it's definitely a long shot but pre-google i wasn't sure where else to look so thanks
33:11listen we can't tell you how much we appreciate no no well pleasure and we'll be fine bye polly
33:16bye jonathan you're an angel
33:36fast to keep up there now bless them such a shame they have to grow up isn't it
33:41you know i don't know how you could take offense at this it's so tastefully done yes i was talking
33:59to a woman in the post office this morning i've been in to see it she said she particularly liked the
34:03way my penis followed around the room what is it you're looking for in there anyway am i not allowed
34:10to ask what's that marriages you're on now from the 60s it's most tenuous of theories but unfortunately
34:18it's the only one i've got if i'm wrong i'm just going to look like a pillock but on the other hand
34:27ah ah there you go just goes to show if you look long enough and hard enough you'll find it hurry
34:34hey we've got an article what's your language in here sorry still a long way from locking it up of
34:42course but proof at least we could be on the right track oh good
34:50very obvious to your eyes i'm sure no isn't it funny still can't see it
35:04what no it's out there i thought i saw something
35:34out there
35:38i don't know
35:53uh
35:58What was that? What did you see?
36:15Too quick. As soon as I got near it, it was off through the bushes and then, I don't know, into those trees somewhere.
36:28What is that? It's like a giant paw print.
36:43Not like any paw print I've ever seen. This was made by a human hand.
36:48Oh, dear.
37:01Oh, I think we might have a bit of a leak here, actually. Medial action definitely required.
37:08Oh, of course. That's exactly it. What's been going on? Clear as crystal now.
37:19What is? What have you seen now?
37:21Oh, there's nothing we didn't see the first time we came in this room. Only now, of course, it's screaming at us.
37:26Yes, well, not the only thing that's screaming.
37:29Oh, dear. Sorry.
37:32What an extraordinary thing. So, what do we think? The plot just thickens, then, basically?
37:36Or not, actually. If you're in any doubt still about Mr. Stebbings' beast from hell, then this bin bag should pretty much seal it.
37:44Even the most prodigious of carnivores don't tend to be that handy with a Stanley knife.
37:50You put this together with that handprint over there and the two glowing green eyes.
37:54Lord, what on earth are you suggesting?
38:06You put this together with that straight away?
38:16I don't think so.
38:18What the�� always has to be done with this icon?
38:20Who's sending this together?
38:23What the deutsch and treaty have just been interesting to remember?
38:26What if the devils are holding the Henry'svenue in this cab?
38:29What if the devils are holding a tree on this side?
38:31No?
38:33There no.
38:34Oh, my God, what a night.
38:40This is doing my nerves no good at all.
38:42Waking up terrified to death every morning.
38:45Sandman again.
38:47Didn't help all that business in the garden.
38:50Strange apparitions in the bushes.
38:53And whatever time did you get in, finally?
38:55I looked at the clock, half past five.
38:56You still weren't there.
38:57Can't believe you had to go back to that place.
38:59Ferreting around all hours of the night.
39:01Yeah, got back about six, I think it was.
39:03Yeah.
39:05And how come you're so bloody fresh
39:07and one and a half hours sleep
39:08when I'm at eight and I'm wrecked?
39:11So what am I looking at here?
39:16Three old Christmas cards
39:17from Captain Ian Amory Cooper.
39:29It's a drug, isn't it?
39:31We're never going to wean you off.
39:32Pointless, I suppose, to even try.
39:36Could have been a dead end.
39:38There's no guarantee.
39:40The old mental flow chart, you know,
39:42one black bin bag led to another.
39:44Twenty-odd years' worth of Christmas cards.
39:47If you're looking for an old family friend,
39:48it seems like a good place to start.
39:50An old family friend?
39:51Who the hell is Ian Amory Cooper?
39:55Someone who's going to explain
39:56how a set of winning lottery numbers
39:57were painted on a wall
39:58fifty years before anyone picked them out.
40:02That's what I'm hoping.
40:02I wouldn't want to take you through it,
40:05but first day back at the office.
40:08I know you don't want to be late.
40:09Definitely.
40:22We'll have that story borne up for you
40:23by Monday at the latest,
40:25so hopefully talk to you
40:26in the middle of next week.
40:27Bye-bye.
40:28Bye.
40:28Bye.
40:58By means of collusion
41:15with the celestial forces
41:16that shape our destiny,
41:19I shall make my prediction.
41:21No, no, wait.
41:27That one...
41:28Don't go.
41:31Please.
41:32Yes.
41:33Yes, yes.
41:36Thank you, Mr. Greeley.
41:37That could well be more helpful
41:39than you imagined.
41:41No, no, that's fine.
41:42What time would be good for you?
41:45Okay, great.
41:48No, I'm hoping, actually,
41:49very much to your advantage,
41:51so, yeah.
41:53See you then.
41:54Bye.
41:56Very much to whose advantage?
41:58How did it go with the number crunches?
42:01Um, yeah, good, good.
42:03That's all going to work out.
42:05What are your plans tonight?
42:06No idea,
42:07but I've got a feeling
42:08you're about to tell me.
42:09Well, if we can get everything
42:10to slot together,
42:12I think tonight might just see
42:13a resolution to our puzzle.
42:15I'm going to need a bit of help
42:16from you in the meantime.
42:18Go on.
42:19I think we've got
42:20quite enough ammunition now
42:22to flush him out,
42:23but something tells me
42:25that Selenny Corbyn's
42:27going to pay more attention
42:27to a woman.
42:34We've definitely come
42:35to the right place here.
42:37As per the instructions.
42:42I think that tells the story.
42:43Mr. Craig,
43:07good evening.
43:07Ah, Polly,
43:09can I introduce
43:09Captain Ian Avery Cooper?
43:16Hmm.
43:17This is welcome.
43:18Homeless,
43:20rudderless,
43:21but not yet hopeless,
43:22we like to feel.
43:23And culinary discretion
43:24is certainly unimpair.
43:26They won't put up
43:26with any slob.
43:28Premise is far from ideal,
43:29of course,
43:29but until that spanking
43:31new hostel
43:31lands in our lap.
43:33So,
43:34yes,
43:35I'm sorry I seem to have
43:37proved so elusive.
43:38the captain bit
43:39had pretty much
43:40defeated me.
43:41Armed forces,
43:43serving and retired,
43:44not an Avery Cooper
43:45in sight.
43:46It came back to me,
43:47a fleeting image
43:48of a different kind
43:49of uniform
43:49in that old bit of film.
43:53I imagine it would have been...
43:55Yes.
43:56My father,
43:56God bless him.
43:58Which is what led you
43:59to us.
44:01But what a strange
44:02and convoluted business.
44:03I've no idea
44:04how you made
44:04all those connections.
44:06Obviously very happy
44:07to fill in the gaps
44:07for you,
44:08but did you say
44:10he'd also invited a...
44:11Well,
44:12not so much an invitation.
44:14More an appeal
44:14to his conscience.
44:16Come on.
44:19And it appears
44:20that he has.
44:32So,
44:33in addition to
44:33all the other charges
44:34currently being levelled
44:35against you,
44:36Mr Corbyn,
44:37would it be fair
44:37to have had one more
44:38to charge of
44:40fraudulently depriving
44:41this man
44:41of his lottery williams?
44:43All right.
44:44I'm here,
44:45aren't I?
44:46That tells you
44:47everything you need to know.
44:48I never imagined
44:49this was going to be pleasant.
44:51So,
44:51let's just hear
44:52what you've got to say
44:53and skip the rhetorical questions.
44:54And skip the rhetorical questions.
44:56A miraculous prediction
45:00discovered a few days ago,
45:02your six random numbers,
45:04was clearly never anything of the kind.
45:07Odds against that happening
45:08will be astronomical,
45:10even for astrodons.
45:11But people do pick lottery numbers
45:14all the time
45:15that aren't random.
45:16And those numbers come up.
45:19And the only way this made sense
45:20would be if the winning line
45:22on that lottery ticket
45:23had actually been chosen
45:24in the first place
45:25because it appeared
45:26on that wall,
45:28which would make your claim
45:29of a chance selection
45:30purchased on a
45:31total win
45:33something rather suspect.
45:37And might well raise the question,
45:40was that gift of the village hall
45:42made more out of guilt
45:43than charity?
45:45So what was the real story here?
45:48The words underneath
45:49had to be the trigger.
45:51Will win.
45:53Just a bit too good to be true.
45:56But that little symbol
45:57in between them,
45:58not a cross,
46:00I would suggest,
46:02but a plus sign,
46:03all a bit more mundane.
46:06Two screw marks
46:07in the skirting board
46:09that suggested
46:10a nearby phone point
46:12in the bedroom years ago.
46:14Mid-60s.
46:16Probably not something
46:17that common.
46:18And then how much
46:19of a stretch is it
46:19to imagine our young
46:20Mr Ipswich
46:21there one day
46:22redecorating the bedroom?
46:24Walls all just nicely plastered,
46:26waiting to be papered,
46:27when he gets a call
46:28from a friend in the village.
46:33Can I suggest
46:35one of your parents?
46:36My mother's family
46:38and my father's
46:39would both have been
46:39connected around
46:40the same time.
46:42So we'd be talking
46:43three years before
46:44they were married,
46:45five before I was born.
46:47One of them,
46:47at any rate,
46:48has just called
46:49to give him
46:50the two new phone numbers.
46:51and he's standing there
46:53with his hands full.
46:55What does he do?
47:07So a couple called
47:08William and Winifred,
47:10as it happens,
47:11weren't that hard to trace
47:12when it came to him.
47:14And obvious candidates
47:15for the real owners
47:16of that lottery ticket,
47:17if they were still around.
47:18If not,
47:21maybe someone
47:22closely related,
47:24might have kept in touch
47:26for a while,
47:27for Christmas.
47:28Well, I never knew,
47:29obviously,
47:29about that writing
47:30on the wall.
47:31But I'd seen
47:32something similar once,
47:33in an address book,
47:34an old friend
47:35of the family
47:36had fished out.
47:37The way those figures fell
47:39and the thing
47:40with my parents' names,
47:41well,
47:42it was just meant to be,
47:43wasn't it?
47:44One day I thought,
47:46who knows,
47:47maybe I will win.
47:49And then,
47:50after 12 years,
47:52every week of trying,
47:53the ultimate cruelty.
47:54I won't repeat what I said
48:20when I watched the draw.
48:21The following three weeks,
48:22thankfully,
48:23I was out of the country,
48:24in southern Angola.
48:25I was to put things
48:26into perspective, rather.
48:28The most bizarre thing,
48:30you know,
48:31when something like that
48:32lands at your feet.
48:34From the way I lead my life,
48:36I might have expected
48:37some kind of censure
48:38or reckoning.
48:40But instead,
48:41it was this,
48:43a sudden,
48:44overwhelming endorsement.
48:45What other message to take from that?
49:15could it enjoy?
49:18Foolish, I suppose,
49:20to think that's how the world works.
49:22Much of the time,
49:23sadly, it does.
49:24But that's the challenge,
49:26for those of us
49:26who believe in more than this world.
49:28The sordid question of...
49:30Yes.
49:32Er, no.
49:33To be addressed.
49:34Sure.
49:35You said something about
49:36a spanking new hostel.
49:39Goodness, er, yes.
49:41The Bernard Clooney Centre,
49:42perhaps.
49:44Sorry, no.
49:45Stop it.
49:49Just off then now, darling.
49:51See you later.
49:51Yes, take care.
49:52Bye.
49:53Bye.
49:53Bye.
49:53Bye.
49:53Bye.
49:53Bye.
49:53Bye.
49:53Bye.
49:53Bye.
49:53Bye.
49:54Bye.
49:54Bye.
49:54Bye.
49:54Bye.
49:54Bye.
49:54Bye.
49:54Bye.
49:54Bye.
49:54Bye.
49:55Bye.
49:56Bye.
49:56Bye.
49:56Bye.
50:00Hi, it's me.
50:02Where are you?
50:03Yeah, sounds perfect.
50:05So, that little thing we discussed,
50:07do you think now would be the right time to go for it?
50:14I wonder how he'll be after everything.
50:17Yeah, well, according to the sister on the ward,
50:19they're really thrilled with his progress.
50:21Ironically, once the work got through
50:23about this big prediction,
50:25it seemed to be a bit of a turning point.
50:27She says he's virtually back to his old self.
50:29Oh, dear.
50:31Well, you know, it's been quite a triumph all around, indeed.
50:35Mr. Ipswich. Hi. How are you doing?
50:38Exceedingly well, since you ask.
50:40You remember Jonathan? And I'm Polly.
50:42He's had quite a busy time of it since he got back, haven't you?
50:45Visits and phone calls from neighbours and well-wishers.
50:49Local TV news team. Cameras and lights and a lot.
50:54All wanting to know how I did it.
50:58But that would be telling. Yes.
51:01And considering making a comeback.
51:04Well, let's not get carried away.
51:06What do you mean?
51:07Great idea. A whole new fan base out there. Don't want to let them down.
51:11Mr. Creek was a bit of a sceptic, of course.
51:13But he's laughing on the other side of his face now.
51:16It's a mark of your genius that even he's had to cry off.
51:19An ignominious defeat.
51:22Hmm. Yes.
51:24Mr. Creeley, have you got a second? I wouldn't mind a quick word.
51:27Mr. Creeley, much as we all value the role of your parish magazine in keeping us abreast of local news, I'd like to say,
51:33if you'd agree there are certain codes of practice to be observed in the gathering of that news.
51:39Well, how do you mean? Of course, one would never want to cross the line into any...
51:45shall we say, unethical behaviour.
51:46Oh, good. Well, I just wondered how you felt, Mr. Creeley.
51:51Mr. Creeley, about the professional ethics of, for example, hacking into someone's baby monitor.
51:57Um, how would that work, exactly?
51:58Well, from your point of view, quite easily.
51:59I'd like to ask you, Mr. Creeley.
52:00I just wondered if you'd agree there are certain codes of practice to be observed in the gathering of that news.
52:04Well, how do you mean? Of course, one would never want to cross the line into any, shall we say, unethical behaviour.
52:11Oh, good. Well, I just wondered how you felt, Mr. Creeley, about the professional ethics of, for example, hacking into someone's baby monitor.
52:22Um, how would that work, exactly?
52:25Well, from your point of view, quite easily, I imagine. The stories come in, no questions asked, you just print them.
52:32Stories based on intimate conversations about badgers and Japanese knotweed in the privacy of someone's bedroom.
52:41Now, obviously, I can't reveal my sources, but it would appear that only 15 minutes ago, a rogue reporter was actually caught in the act.
52:51Hi, it's me. Where are you?
52:54Yeah, sounds perfect.
52:55So, that little thing we discussed. You think now would be the right time to go for it?
53:02The coast is clear.
53:04I think we can settle this once and for all, don't you?
53:06No problem. I'm on the case.
53:08Oh, would you believe it? It looks as if Mr. Creeley was right.
53:15So, you'll be the man who's been going through our rubbish.
53:19And that large shape that was seen crawling into the bushes.
53:26Through the eyes of a passer-by, well tacked up from a night at the pub.
53:31Not really mysterious enough, did you think? To be worthy of inclusion?
53:40Good grief. Well, I shall certainly look into this one, rest assured.
53:44And if I hear there's been any hint of chicanery on anyone's part...
53:48You wouldn't be in the least surprised.
53:50So, anyway. Lovely fresh bedroom, Mr. Ipswich. Are you pleased?
53:55I brought you some fruit look.
53:57And, er, also some magazines and puzzle books.
54:02Nothing of any practical use, then.
54:06And who are you?
54:07Who are you?
54:15I'm going to make this quick and painless.
54:16Tell us what you've got that's worth taking and where we can find it.
54:19What looks to that?
54:21Get out of my house.
54:22Or you'll do what, Grandpa?
54:24Or I'll do this.
54:25You think you're going to scare us with a toy, do you?
54:33Why don't we find out?
54:36Shit! Shit!
54:38Shit!
54:40Shit!
54:41Shit!
54:42Shit!
54:43Shit!
54:44Shit!
54:45So, Japanese knotweed, knot knotweed, according to our garden expert friend, just something
55:12very similar. Panic over, good result. What? Oh no, it's just, just the way it keeps on coming
55:23back. It goes away for a bit and then. This morning, in that room with Mr. Ipsworth,
55:42which, I just suddenly saw it. Isn't it funny? The whole thing, the Sandman. I must have been,
55:51I don't know, about five or six. I had this rabbit twitcher.
56:01And then that awful thing. One day they told me I had to be brave and say goodbye.
56:07This nice gentleman was going to come round, the Sandman, and quietly put her to sleep.
56:16Well, I didn't know what a vet was. To me, he was just the most frightening person in
56:31the world. And of course, this is where we buried her. I had this stupid idea if we grew
56:41carrots here, she'd always have something to eat.
56:43And that's how it started. How many fathers would do that? Every year since, right up to
57:04the end. He's been coming out here and... Scattering his seed.
57:15Has she been saying something to you about... Yeah, where'd that come from? Some weird remarks
57:22she made. I just happened to mention how my hand was feeling a lot better now.
57:26One more little mystery, I suppose. I'll get to the bottom of it eventually.
57:36Yes. Please don't.
58:10You
58:11you
58:12you
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