- 21 hours ago
First broadcast 28th December 1999.
A former glamour model is seriously injured when her garden shed explodes, leaving her badly burned.
Dinah Sheridan - Kathleen Gilmore
Nicholas Ball - Vincent Rees
Emma Kennedy - Christine
Hetty Baynes - Jacqui
Benjamin Whitrow - Rupert Clifford-Wright
Caroline Quentin - Maddy Magellan
Alan Davies - Jonathan Creek
Tom Goodman-Hill - Jeff
Frances Low - Daphne
Ben Craze - Colin
William Vanderpuye - DCI Jack Horner
Paul Fuller - Feldman
Clement Attlee - Self (archive footage)
João Costa Menezes - Fan
A former glamour model is seriously injured when her garden shed explodes, leaving her badly burned.
Dinah Sheridan - Kathleen Gilmore
Nicholas Ball - Vincent Rees
Emma Kennedy - Christine
Hetty Baynes - Jacqui
Benjamin Whitrow - Rupert Clifford-Wright
Caroline Quentin - Maddy Magellan
Alan Davies - Jonathan Creek
Tom Goodman-Hill - Jeff
Frances Low - Daphne
Ben Craze - Colin
William Vanderpuye - DCI Jack Horner
Paul Fuller - Feldman
Clement Attlee - Self (archive footage)
João Costa Menezes - Fan
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00You
00:30ORGAN PLAYS
01:00Here we go, then, my angel.
01:19I think I've made this too strong again.
01:25Stronger the better, I think.
01:27Can't seem to wake up these mornings for love, Norman.
01:30Anyone who's had a major coronary bypass
01:33and their leg bitten off by a crocodile
01:34is allowed to feel a bit wobbly first thing.
01:37So, you're here to convalesce, Kathleen.
01:40Don't fight it.
01:42How was your post?
01:44Anything on that calendar in, uh...
01:46Where was it?
01:47Hawaii. Didn't get it.
01:50They're a bugger to photograph anyway, Waterfalls.
01:52Will not keep still.
01:54Here we are.
01:55A nice cup of mud.
02:09Christine?
02:10All done for the day?
02:11Yeah.
02:13I'm about to shift myself, I suppose.
02:15It says luncheon.
02:17How's your houseguest?
02:18Aren't the men now, after all their troubles?
02:20Oh, God.
02:21The constitution of an ox, Kathleen.
02:25She'll see us all off, I'll tell you.
02:33Hey.
02:34You've got room for me to squeeze my bottom in?
02:37Unless you want to squeeze it for me, Tom.
02:40I do.
02:40What's the girl doing, Goat?
02:56It's not exactly the parish newsletter.
02:58Oh, people are full of crap round here, or what?
03:26Like I'm supposed to feel bad for having a bit of fun in my life.
03:31And don't tell me they're not gagging for all the tasty details.
03:37The way I see it, God gave me a beautiful body.
03:42And he gave it to me for a reason.
03:45To bring people pleasure.
03:47Which you did.
03:48On a very regular basis.
03:50So, I don't see any reason to be ashamed of it.
03:53And I'm not going to apologise for it.
03:57Oh!
03:57Repent to the Lord, you harlot.
03:59Or be damned for all eternity.
04:01Yes, all right, Mrs Gibson.
04:03We don't need any of that talk round here.
04:07I don't know.
04:08The things people get off on.
04:09Did you read this, Tosh?
04:10When making love, a certain well-known MP could only achieve a climax if I dressed up as a traffic warden and stuck fixed penalty notices to his glasses.
04:19Good thing he didn't ask to be clamped.
04:22It's like a bloke I went out with once.
04:24Got turned on by women in quicksand.
04:27I mean, weird or what?
04:28Apparently, it's a completely recognised fetish.
04:31With websites and everything.
04:33Actually had the nerve to ask me how I'd feel about getting fully dressed into a bath full of ready rec.
04:39I mean, do me a favour.
04:41No!
04:42And listen to this.
04:44On our first night together, he warned me that he'd got a dicky heart.
04:48I don't know about dicky heart, but he'd certainly got a hearty...
04:51Look!
04:51I can't do this if you're just going to keep gabbling away there like Enos Sharples.
04:56But I can't do it anyway.
05:00This whole thing was a hideous mistake.
05:02Where are my socks?
05:04Oh, come on.
05:05I thought we'd made a breakthrough here.
05:08I mean, like we'd agreed.
05:10We're just going to go for it.
05:12Just stop dithering about, finally.
05:14Dive in and see what happened.
05:16Yes, well, it's pretty hard to rise to the occasion where you'd lie there guzzling back curly-whirlies.
05:21You talk about Bessie Bunter.
05:22I beg your pardon.
05:23One single curly-whirly.
05:26Oh, yes.
05:33All right.
05:34So I get hungry in the middle of the night?
05:38It's half past three in the afternoon.
05:40Just another thing.
05:42It's not a good time for me.
05:44Bad for my circadian rhythms.
05:46Oh, right.
05:47So now I'm just left here high and dry, am I?
05:49What a surprise.
05:53I don't know, though.
05:55You may be right.
05:57Probably it's the worst thing we could ever do.
05:59Well, exactly.
06:00What do you mean?
06:02Well, it's the meeting of minds that's important, isn't it?
06:06With all the people out there you quite happily have sex with, how many would you want to have a coffee with?
06:11It's actually much rarer to find someone.
06:15What the hell is this?
06:20Oh, yes.
06:21I've been meaning to talk to you about that.
06:23We're delighted to hear you will both be joining us for our 17th annual Mystery Writers' Convention on June 25th at the Trench View Hotel, Rigglesworth.
06:33That's this Thursday, where we assure you'll have a most stimulating day meeting members of the Jonathan Creek Fan Club, who are all thrilled to bits of the pro...
06:40Jonathan Creek Fan Club?
06:42This has got to be a wind-up.
06:43No, listen, it'll be brilliant.
06:46There'll be all sorts of people there, look.
06:48You've got Danny DeVito, who's filming at Elstree, says he's going to pop by to present one of their awards.
06:54It'll be a real blast.
06:55You see, there's all kinds of buffs and aficionados out there we don't even know about.
07:01That's precisely what worries me.
07:13Oh, well, thanks for doing the potatoes. That's been a big help.
07:21What have you been so utterly engrossed in all morning?
07:25As if I need to ask.
07:27Sorry?
07:28Oh, come on.
07:30You know, full well, it's the convention on Thursday.
07:33I'm going to look a right prat if he turns up and I haven't got any intelligent questions to ask.
07:37Oh, yeah, and we couldn't have you looking like a prat, Jeff, whatever happens.
07:40You know, if you had to pick someone as a role model, why'd it have to be that creep?
07:45You see, you don't even know his name.
07:47It's Creek.
07:49Because he's cerebral.
07:50He thinks.
07:52He uses logic like a laser to rationalise the irrational, explain the most inexplicable mysteries known to man.
08:00Oh, yeah, well, that'll be a very handy talent to have round here,
08:02where nothing mysterious has ever happened in living memory.
08:05Now, will you do something useful and pick up this potato peeler?
08:10Do I really deserve it, Rupert?
08:23All this poison?
08:25Oh, darling, it's no more or less than the truth after all.
08:29People should be prepared to stand up for their indiscretions.
08:32I can always allow me to contact me to say the right thing.
08:47Perhaps I should give this lawn a quick trim.
08:49Good morning.
09:04Oh, good morning.
09:06I've got a couple of late ones for you.
09:08Spend it.
09:09And I'll need a signature on this one, please.
09:12Ah, I've been waiting for this.
09:16I don't know.
09:46Get him!
09:51That's it!
10:16Go ahead, Trevor.
10:18Go ahead, Trevor.
10:20Go ahead, Trevor.
10:43Once again, welcome to our seven feet annual mystery writer's occasion.
10:57Oh, hey, Danny Vavita, what did I tell you?
11:01Where?
11:02Over there, look.
11:03Wait a minute.
11:04Wait a minute.
11:05Perfect.
11:06Wait a minute.
11:07Wait a minute.
11:08Wait a minute.
11:09Mr. Creek, we're so glad to see you and Miss Miguel and Daphne Bywater.
11:17Now, your group are over here, I think, all ready and waiting.
11:22I know they've got masses to ask you about all your cases.
11:26No, for me, right, I've got to say, the classic locked room was Jack Holliday in the bunker.
11:32My only problem, if Rokesmith's a murd himself like that with all the tools and rubble,
11:38well, how come he misses the cotton wool?
11:43Unless it's like some deeper instinct, OK?
11:46Like Rokesmith's id wanted to leave a clue behind to see if anyone could work it out,
11:52to show Saul how clever he'd be.
11:55Yeah.
11:56Right.
11:58The old tell-tale id.
12:00I think you may just have cracked it there, Colin.
12:03Anyway, I suppose we'd better be winding things up now.
12:06Unless any of you have got any more questions.
12:12I can't really get you for this. Just wait.
12:14Four hours stuck in a wigwam with a bunch of sad acts who know more about me than I do.
12:22Two of those guys are living in windmills.
12:24That's like one step away from Travis Bicklin, taxi driver.
12:27Just don't blame me if this whole thing ends up in a bloodbath.
12:30Hey, Danny!
12:31OK, 30 seconds, everybody, before we get back to our seats.
12:45Do I spot a late arrival?
12:49Jonathan!
12:50Hi!
12:51Oh, man!
12:52Fantastic!
12:53Geoff Torrance.
12:54Huge, huge fan.
12:55Hi.
12:56How are you doing?
12:57Wow.
12:58Hey, look, sorry I didn't make it before, but this is the weirdest, weirdest thing.
13:12Before I came out, something just happened where I live that...
13:15I mean, maybe this is fate or something, I don't know, but...
13:19Maybe it is.
13:20Sorry?
13:22Do you believe it's possible for someone who's on the verge of death
13:26to leave their own body and appear in another place as flesh and blood?
13:32So, how do we explain the fact that a woman who was in hospital, in a coma, right,
13:38with half her face burnt off, was seen walking down the road last night,
13:43totally unscathed, on her way to church?
13:49OK, I think we're all primed and ready for you again, so...
13:52Actually, a bit of a bummer, something's just come up, hasn't it?
13:56And we've got to dash, so...
13:58Yes, it's, um...
13:59Big, big mystery.
14:01Baffling beyond belief, actually, so...
14:03Got to snap into action.
14:05Nice meeting you all.
14:07Bye.
14:10All right, where are we going?
14:11Do you know a village called Linnet's Hill?
14:13It's not that far, if you want to follow me back.
14:15Oh, actually, we came on the train.
14:17Oh, no problem.
14:18I'm parked just around the corner.
14:19I'll give you a lift.
14:29Are you back already?
14:30Hey, promise not to faint.
14:32I told him about Jackie.
14:33Obviously, he came straight over.
14:34Oh, right.
14:35You know, why you do what you do is beyond me.
14:36Sorry?
14:37You're dressed up as a person you've never even met.
14:38I mean, look at you.
14:39You've even grown your hair like the guy, for God's sake.
14:40Sorry, Christine.
14:41Um...
14:42This is...
14:43Oh.
14:44I know what you mean.
14:45Now, I don't know if you've caught any of this Jackie Jordan stuff in the press this
14:49week.
14:50The night I was spanked by an Arsenal striker.
14:51Bits and pieces.
14:52What was she?
14:53Some sort of model back in the 70s.
14:54I'm professional bedhopper.
14:55Screwed up God knows how many marriages before she settled down here as the country wife.
14:57Yeah, nobody deserved that.
14:58Oh, for God's sake.
14:59Oh, for God's sake.
15:00Sorry, Christine, um...
15:01This is...
15:02Oh.
15:03I know what you mean.
15:04Now, I don't know if you've caught any of this Jackie Jordan stuff in the press this
15:07week.
15:08The night I was spanked by an Arsenal striker.
15:10Bits and pieces.
15:11What was she?
15:12Some sort of model back in the 70s.
15:13And professional bedhopper.
15:15Screwed up God knows how many marriages before she settled down here as the country wife.
15:18Yeah, nobody deserved that.
15:20I was there when that thing exploded.
15:21It was like her whole face was just on fire.
15:24And then this morning I was round at Vince's collecting for some flowers.
15:27Vincent Reece in Crooked Lane.
15:28He's got this elderly friend staying with him who's like, what would you say, Britain's
15:32answer to Mother Teresa.
15:33Oh, gotta be in her 70s at least.
15:35But still sharp as a needle.
15:36I mean, that's why it seems all so spooky.
15:39She's absolutely the last person in the world would ever make a thing like this up.
15:42Well, she says at half past seven last night, when Jackie was in hospital, in
15:47intensive care, she had a conversation with her in the front garden.
15:54Forty years of Christian aid work around the world, I've seen my share of spells and sorcery.
16:01But nothing quite like this.
16:04I remember a witch doctor in Bali once.
16:07He said he could make a volcano erupt by rubbing a snake.
16:11Well, of course, when he took me in his hut to show me how it worked.
16:15Yes.
16:16You've certainly done her rounds, haven't you, since we first met.
16:18Oh, 100 years ago, when I was a cameraman in telly.
16:22First documentary I ever shot was about this young lady's good work.
16:25We've been chums ever since.
16:27I heard about her operation and I thought, well, maybe a few weeks in the country might perk her up a bit.
16:32In fact, yesterday was the first time, wasn't it, we thought we'd try you outside for a bit of fresh air.
16:37I was nagged, if you want the truth.
16:39Just lying here all day with my books and my music, I must say, has been bliss.
16:44Pottering away at the old memoirs, and then at six o'clock, in he comes.
16:56Time to stir your stumps, or in my case, stump, and have some tea in the front garden.
17:02Well, I have to say, it was a rather nice summer's evening.
17:07Quite cool and refreshing, and just what I needed to liven myself up.
17:12Till that wretched wasp came along.
17:15Ow!
17:17It's okay, I've got some stuff, I think, in the medicine cabinet.
17:20Usually does the trick.
17:32You must be Vince's, erm...
17:37Did someone say you once worked as a missionary, or something?
17:42Or something.
17:47Kathleen Gilmour.
18:00Sorry, I can't get up, but I...
18:02Oh, no, no. I'm Jackie.
18:06Well, it's nice to meet you, Jackie.
18:08Come and have a glass of Vince's homemade lemon squash.
18:12So, I suppose you haven't heard what they're all calling me around here
18:17since I sold my story to the papers.
18:20Cheesy flake.
18:21Sorry? Oh.
18:23Quite right. Horrid things.
18:30Now, what have you been up to that's so terrible?
18:36Let me see if I can guess.
18:39Like a lot of young women, you've used your looks to get ahead in life.
18:45And didn't care too much, probably, who you hurt along the way.
18:51And now, finally, you're feeling some of their pain.
19:00I've lived in this village seven years.
19:04I never once set foot inside the church.
19:09I don't know, I...
19:12I just wondered...
19:15today, whether...
19:19maybe it's already too late.
19:25Well, Mike,
19:27you think God's got to rush off somewhere?
19:32If you've got something to say,
19:34I promise you,
19:36he's ready to listen.
19:38Now, from where I was sitting, I had a perfect view of the clock on the church tower.
19:54I remember glancing at it as she left.
19:57It was just coming up to 22-8.
20:00And, of course,
20:01that's where the whole thing's shot to high heaven,
20:03because Jackie Jordan's been in a coma since yesterday lunchtime,
20:07when that lawnmower went up.
20:09In fact, I spoke to Rupert this afternoon.
20:11There's been no change in her condition.
20:13She's still on the critical list.
20:14Rupert?
20:15Bless him, the old darling.
20:17I mean, he absolutely worshipped her.
20:20Where she saw the attraction,
20:22well, God only knows.
20:24It's like my missus.
20:26PhD in medieval history.
20:28Then she runs off with a man who makes balloon animals.
20:33The guts are just suddenly ripped out of your life like that.
20:36I don't know.
20:38I suppose you just have to find a way of dealing with it.
20:40And this happened whereabouts, exactly?
20:43Oh, you can't see it from there, I'm afraid.
20:45That's the wild bit.
20:47It's down on the front lawn, next to the lane.
20:50And you're saying she'd got the exact same clothes on
20:52she went to hospital in,
20:54but as if nothing had happened.
20:55They weren't burnt or...
20:57Well, the only thing I did notice,
20:59the bottoms of her trousers were a bit damp.
21:02But other than that...
21:03Damp? How far up?
21:05A few inches.
21:08I don't know.
21:09Perhaps it's me.
21:11My faith that's being tested here.
21:14Whether she was flesh and blood or something else.
21:21I know I didn't dream it.
21:26This woman was out there in the garden yesterday evening.
21:32So where'd you pick the holes in this one?
21:46You've got a witness who appears to be almost pathologically honest.
21:49It just doesn't add up.
21:51If we fall into the old trap of prima facie evidence.
21:54But what if we run with a more lateral hypothesis?
21:57That the woman in hospital, behind those bandages,
22:00is not in fact Jackie Jordan at all,
22:03but someone else.
22:05How the hell do you manage that?
22:14Okay.
22:17This is the shed, right?
22:20She went into...
22:22when you arrived with the mail.
22:31Given that you and Rupert were both just here,
22:33when the fire actually stood.
22:35Yeah.
22:36Why am I delivering a letter to Clement Attlee?
22:40Because I didn't have a photo of Rupert.
22:43It's purely representational, okay?
22:46Can I continue?
22:49By my reckoning, we have a blind area here
22:52where she could just have got away
22:55out of the garden
22:57without being seen.
22:59Yeah. Sorry, Geoff.
23:00You're racing ahead of me here.
23:01She's arranged for another woman
23:03of almost identical appearance.
23:05Right.
23:06Same build, same hair,
23:07duplicate set of clothes.
23:08Right.
23:09To swap places with her inside the shed.
23:12For what reason, exactly?
23:14Exactly.
23:20She normally get a stunt double in
23:21to cut the grass for her.
23:24I think we've got doppelgangers on the brain,
23:26haven't we, Geoff?
23:28Yes, well,
23:30it's obviously not going to get sold in five minutes,
23:32so, er,
23:33what do you say we put you up here for the night?
23:35You can sleep on it
23:36and come back to it in the morning.
23:38We've got a spare double bed upstairs.
23:40It's never been used,
23:41so, er,
23:42no problem with sleeping arrangements.
23:43No problem with sleeping arrangements.
24:13See what you mean about the last supper?
24:14Oh, God,
24:15you don't know the half of what I have to pay.
24:16Oh, God,
24:17you don't know the half of what I have to pay.
24:18It's like an obsession,
24:19morning,
24:20noon and night.
24:21Not that I've got anything against Jonathan himself,
24:22don't get me wrong.
24:23I mean,
24:24when you get to meet the genuine article,
24:25I mean,
24:26when you get to meet the genuine article,
24:27it's like an obsession,
24:28morning,
24:29noon and night.
24:30Oh,
24:31oh,
24:32oh,
24:33God,
24:34I didn't do the wrong stuff.
24:35Oh,
24:36God,
24:37I didn't do the wrong stuff.
24:38I mean,
24:39I assumed the two of you were just purely like Batman and Robin.
24:41Yeah,
24:42that's probably about right.
24:43Oh,
24:44morning.
24:45You're not hanging about then.
24:46Such a dirty trick,
24:47that,
24:48to sleep with someone,
24:49then piss off first thing the next morning.
24:50Oh,
24:51oh,
24:52oh,
24:53oh,
24:54oh,
24:55oh,
24:56oh,
24:57oh,
24:58oh,
24:59oh,
25:00oh,
25:01oh,
25:02oh,
25:03oh,
25:04oh,
25:05oh,
25:06oh,
25:07oh,
25:08oh,
25:09oh,
25:10oh,
25:11oh,
25:12oh,
25:13oh,
25:14oh,
25:15oh,
25:17so what's our plan of campaign today?
25:19I suppose it makes sense to go and check out this husband of hers.
25:22What's his name?
25:23Rupert?
25:24While you're there,
25:25if you really want to blow your mind,
25:26I'm going to show you these magazines.
25:28What magazines?
25:37At the last count,
25:38I think he was running well into 30,000.
25:41From 1970 onward,
25:43I have every major British title,
25:45Mayfair,
25:46Hustler,
25:47Carnival,
25:48Nugget,
25:49and so on.
25:50All mint.
25:51American glamour is all on this wall here.
25:57Now,
25:58this is an extremely rare Hot Jugs and Hooters,
26:00from the American Bible Belt.
26:02They're cancelled after one issue.
26:04Most copies were burned.
26:05Amazing.
26:06I won't ask what you keep on the top shelf.
26:08And then,
26:09of course,
26:10I have complete runs of all the late 50s,
26:1260s collectibles.
26:13Snip,
26:14Snap,
26:15Swank,
26:16Spanky,
26:17Tip Top,
26:18Hot Spot,
26:19Nylon Jungle.
26:20That brings back memories.
26:21A Flirt and Skirt.
26:23Oh, yeah.
26:24Sorry.
26:25Thinking of another publication entirely.
26:28So, there you were one day,
26:30cataloguing one of these for your collection,
26:32and...
26:34She was quite simply the most perfect being I'd ever set eyes on.
26:39The sort of woman you just want to take away and...
26:42I get the picture.
26:43...capture in oil.
26:46Though I doubt if David or even Angra could have done her justice.
27:03I never deluded myself.
27:07She married me for anything other than my money.
27:11It didn't matter.
27:14To me,
27:15she is the most precious and irreplaceable part of my life.
27:20Like a diamond.
27:22That may be flawed,
27:24but will always be...
27:26a diamond.
27:28Odd how much he looks like Geoffrey down the road.
27:33Isn't it?
27:34Mr Clifford Wright,
27:35I don't think any of us are in any doubt
27:37it was your wife this happened to, but...
27:39None whatsoever.
27:40I've not met this friend of Vincent's, of course.
27:43But, er...
27:44I'm afraid she's either mistaken
27:46or playing a very cruel joke on us all.
27:49Excuse me.
27:50PHONE RINGS
27:51PHONE RINGS
27:53PHONE RINGS
27:54PHONE RINGS
27:55PHONE RINGS
27:56PHONE RINGS
27:57PHONE RINGS
28:07What have you found?
28:08God above, Geoff.
28:09You want to give me a heart attack?
28:12Not exactly what I expected to find.
28:14Brilliant!
28:15What?
28:16Nothing.
28:17There's nothing dodgy about this shed.
28:19I never thought there would be.
28:27I'm afraid this notion of yours
28:29about pulling a switch
28:30doesn't cut it on any level.
28:32Even if she wanted us to think she'd been injured,
28:35dupe someone into taking her place,
28:37how could she guarantee
28:38that person would then be burnt beyond recognition?
28:41That's too messy.
28:42Well, any way you slice it,
28:44it couldn't have been the same woman both times.
28:46That'd be some trick.
28:47And you wouldn't say she was the cleverest person in the world.
28:50No.
28:53But maybe she didn't need to be.
28:55Say again?
28:57If I was to just suddenly disappear,
29:00now, right here in this garden,
29:02would you call that a clever trick?
29:04PHONE RINGS
29:05Come on!
29:06Okay.
29:07Close your eyes and count to three.
29:10Very quickly.
29:11One, two, three.
29:13Oh, hey.
29:16Oh, hey.
29:27This is just...
29:28Out of academic interest,
29:46you haven't got one with women in quicksand at all.
29:48And I need this...
29:49Oh, God.
29:53I'm so sorry.
29:58Well, now, I don't know what to think.
30:03You read about these things, don't you?
30:07You know, I'm sure there was remorse there.
30:10For the way she lived her life.
30:15In her eyes, you could tell.
30:20That last day in the garden.
30:23Is it too fanciful to believe
30:27she made her peace with God
30:31before she...
30:37Where are we going now?
30:39Back to that stile.
30:40Why?
30:41To check something out
30:42and to get as far away as possible
30:44from Jonathan Creek wannabes.
30:46Neat little idea he had going there,
30:48but I take it from that ungracious scowl
30:50you weren't impressed.
30:52All right.
30:53So, if we're saying the accident
30:54was all completely pucker,
30:55no doubles or twins or stand-ins,
30:57I guess we have to take that old dear story
30:59with a pinch of salt.
31:00Yeah, I don't know.
31:01It seems so convincing.
31:02And therein, I suspect,
31:03lies the key to the whole deception.
31:05Quite obvious.
31:06I don't know.
31:07I don't know.
31:08It seems so convincing.
31:09And therein, I suspect,
31:10lies the key to the whole deception.
31:12Quite obvious.
31:13I don't know.
31:14I don't know.
31:15Quite obviously she's lying.
31:17Quite obviously she isn't.
31:18How is it you described her?
31:20Almost pathologically honest.
31:22Which is why everything she tells us
31:24we have to take as gospel.
31:26Doesn't it strike you
31:27the fact that Kathleen Gilmore
31:28is such a squeaky clean, reliable witness
31:31is the one thing
31:32that's all a little bit too convenient here.
31:34Oh, right.
31:37I think I'm beginning to not understand
31:40a blind word you're saying.
31:42Yes, well,
31:43these things are all very well in theory
31:46but a bit pointless
31:47if you can't back them up with evidence.
31:48So,
31:49that's why I have to...
31:51Oh.
31:53Doesn't he ever go away?
31:55I booked us both in for panto.
31:57Puss in boots this Christmas.
31:59What?
32:00He's behind you!
32:02Right?
32:03Sorry.
32:04Bit slow on the uptake back there.
32:06How did you get here before us?
32:08Oh,
32:09yeah,
32:10you could have just cut across the field
32:11to save yourselves a walk.
32:12So,
32:13okay,
32:14look,
32:15how about this?
32:16It was Jackie they took to the hospital
32:17but she wasn't really burnt.
32:19Somehow she protected herself,
32:21pretended to go into a coma
32:23so that for whatever reason
32:24she could slip out of bed later on.
32:26Yes,
32:27the problem with that theory, Jeff,
32:28is the hospital just called up her husband
32:30to say she died
32:31without ever again consciousness,
32:33I'm afraid,
32:34so...
32:35Are you serious?
32:36Sorry.
32:38Shit.
32:43What are we looking at here,
32:44do you reckon?
32:45Some kind of intricately plotted murder?
32:47Intricately plotted
32:49and so brilliantly executed
32:50it almost came off.
32:52And the clue to it, Paul,
32:54I've got a shrewd idea
32:55that could well lie in this garden.
32:57Well,
32:58no problems.
32:59I saw Vince go out with his camera
33:00just a couple of minutes ago.
33:02You two want to sniff around
33:04and I'll stay here
33:05to keep an eye out for you.
33:06Yeah.
33:07Right,
33:08why don't you do that, Jeff?
33:29I suppose it'd be completely pointless
33:30to ask what we're looking for.
33:32Hmm?
33:41Ah.
33:46Ah ha ha.
33:48What have we here?
33:50Looks like a tyre track
33:52from a bicycle?
33:54Utterly ingenious.
33:55And no two ways about it.
33:59Sorry.
34:00Couldn't resist.
34:02Any joy?
34:03Managed to nail the culprit.
34:05Well...
34:06Actually, Jeff...
34:07Jeffrey!
34:08What the hell do you think
34:09you're playing at,
34:10snooping around
34:11someone else's garden?
34:16Oh, hi.
34:17What's going on?
34:18Not a lot, actually.
34:19We were just about to leave.
34:20Really?
34:21What, you mean leave the village?
34:22Going where?
34:23Good question.
34:24Scotland Yard, probably.
34:25See if we can shed some light
34:26on this murder.
34:27Murder?
34:28Who's been murdered?
34:29At this moment, I have to say,
34:30I haven't the faintest idea.
34:31But we'll keep you posted.
34:32DCI Horner, how you doing?
34:33So, what's the story here?
34:34You've got the name of a murderer for us,
34:35but you don't know the identity
34:36of the victim.
34:37Correct.
34:38But we've got a pretty good idea
34:39when the crime took place.
34:40Between 7 o'clock and 8,
34:41on the evening of Wednesday, 24.
34:428.
34:43S son of an understandable
34:44murder.
34:45Yeah.
34:46I've got a better idea,
34:47but we'll keep you posted.
34:49I've got the right idea.
34:50But we'll keep me posted.
34:51DCI Horner, how you doing?
34:52DCI Horner, how you doing?
34:53So, what's the story here?
34:55You've got the name of a murderer for us,
34:56but you don't know the identity
34:58of the victim.
34:59Correct.
35:00But, we've got a pretty good idea
35:02when the crime took place.
35:03Between 7 o'clock and 8,
35:058 on the evening of Wednesday 24th of June.
35:08Bear with me two seconds.
35:19Anthony James Feldman,
35:21aged 37, shot through
35:23the right temple at his home in Albert Bridge Road,
35:26Battersea. His girlfriend
35:27came in and found him dead on the sitting
35:29room floor. And do you want to
35:31see what was wrapped around his head?
35:35But it's empty, surely?
35:41Take a look inside.
35:50Hmm.
35:51Weird.
35:54I suppose you know what this is without even looking.
35:57I've got a pretty good idea.
36:05Oh, hey.
36:30Didn't I say things would be hotting up here tonight?
36:32What are you on about?
36:34Two cop cars heading for Crooked Lane,
36:36if I'm any judge.
36:37And I think I just caught sight of JC in the back.
36:41This we are not going to miss.
36:43That was my men's exhibition.
36:45Here we go.
36:47Look out.
36:50I did see it.
36:51No.
36:52Get away with me.
36:54No.
36:59We don't need to leave.
37:07What can you say?
37:22Oh, great. The main man's here. We can begin.
37:39Sorry?
37:40You'll find this is what's known in Mystery Writers' Parlance as the wrap-up, Geoff.
37:44Will you use your logic like a laser to explain how the whole thing was done?
37:48Well, I...
37:52Sit down.
37:55Your friend was just about to enlighten us.
37:58OK. Prima facie, as you said.
38:03What we'll be looking at here?
38:06A woman's rushed to hospital with terrible burns,
38:09goes into a coma from which she never recovers.
38:13And yet, miraculously, even as she's lying on her life support,
38:16she manages to materialise outside this house
38:18on her way to church to atone for her past sins.
38:22An out-of-body experience?
38:25Or a fantastically conceived sham,
38:29engineered by someone for reasons which had nothing whatsoever
38:32to do with Jackie Jordan?
38:36It's not that you were short on technique, Geoff.
38:39The problem is, you were looking for the secret of this trick
38:43in the wrong garden.
38:47When you told us you'd seen her that evening,
38:49of course, we believed every word.
38:51If we couldn't rely on Kathleen Gilmore to tell the truth,
38:53then who could we rely on?
38:55But then maybe that was the point.
38:58And then last night,
39:00suddenly,
39:01it just came in.
39:03Almost literally through the curtains.
39:05A glimmer of what this whole business was about.
39:12The wet trousers,
39:15that long groove in the soil,
39:17the contents of that apparently empty box,
39:21all funnelled it down in the end
39:23to one fairly chilling proposition.
39:27Suppose you weren't, in fact,
39:30brought to this house out of the goodness of someone's heart
39:32to recuperate in the country,
39:34but were quite cold-bloodedly
39:36set up
39:37to provide an alibi
39:39for someone about to commit a murder.
39:43Oh, you can't be...
39:45What on earth are you trying to say?
39:49Oh, shit.
39:52Life isn't fair, Vince,
39:54but rubbing out the man who stole your wife
39:56doesn't exactly put things to rights, does it?
39:59It's like my missus.
40:00PhD in medieval history.
40:02She runs off with a man who makes balloon animals.
40:05The guts are just suddenly ripped out of your life like that.
40:08I don't know.
40:09I suppose you just have to find a way of dealing with it.
40:13Except you weren't talking about Rupert dealing with his loss.
40:16You were talking about the guts
40:17that had been ripped out of your life.
40:19And you'd found a way,
40:21hadn't you, Vince,
40:22to deal with that?
40:24As we now know,
40:26you arrived at Feldman's home
40:27at about 7.30pm,
40:29knowing that his partner, your wife,
40:31would be out from 7 to 8 at an evening class.
40:33One of the more bizarre items we've had to dust for fingerprints.
40:55But of course it was clean.
40:57Because you've done more than just cover your tracks at the scene of the crime.
41:00If the coppers ever called round here,
41:02not so much a question of if as when,
41:05you'd just wheel out an unimpeachable witness
41:07who'd swear blind that at the time of the murder
41:09you were sitting in the garden drinking lemon squash.
41:11What she couldn't possibly know
41:13was that when you were both out there having tea,
41:16it wasn't 7.30 in the evening at all,
41:19but 7.30 in the morning.
41:22Oh, for goodness sake!
41:24You think I don't know what time of day it was?
41:27After I'd been awake since breakfast
41:28and all that time...
41:30I said it was cold-blooded, Miss Gilmore.
41:33Think about it for a sec.
41:35For the past couple of weeks,
41:36you've been pretty well immobile.
41:38In a room, in a bed, unable to move.
41:41Your whole concept of time is up for grabs.
41:45Watches and clocks are easily fixed.
41:48And for a former lighting cameraman and photographer,
41:51with access to a few lamps and a bit of scaffolding,
41:55the amount of daylight coming through some net curtains
41:58can be very carefully regulated.
42:00It's fine.
42:01It's fine.
42:25cyclical fire
42:29A forest of trees at the side made a perfect screen for all the hardware.
42:36So a trick that's worked all the time in TV and movies,
42:41filming day for night and night for day,
42:44is put to more cynical use...
42:46to shield the identity of a murderer.
42:53Vince!
42:55Tell me this is so much drivel.
42:58Every morning I'd shift your day forward one hour,
43:05so by Wednesday we'd be exactly 12 hours ahead.
43:09OK, your body's telling you that something isn't quite right with your...
43:14What's that thing?
43:16Circadian rhythms.
43:17Like a bad case of jet lag.
43:19But that was the least of it, after all that you've been through.
43:23So, first thing Wednesday morning, she's been awake all night.
43:27To her it's now tea time.
43:29So you settle her down outside.
43:31If that wasp hadn't sent you indoors, the conversation with Jackie would've probably never happened.
43:38And then it's her next bedtime.
43:40What did you do, slip her a few sedatives so she slept right through?
43:45Well now, it's Thursday, you're back on real time again.
43:49Feeling a bit grotty, but with no idea why.
43:51About this time, of course, the gear's all been derigged outside.
43:57Leaving no clue behind as to what's happened.
44:00Except for a few ruts in the ground where your power cable's been lying.
44:04So, she'd already been there.
44:05To church that morning.
44:06Before you were even up, probably.
44:07Oh, Rupert, mate.
44:09I'm sorry you had to get tangled up in all the...
44:25That wasn't the idea.
44:27You can see that.
44:29I think perhaps I'll go now.
44:32If you'll excuse me.
44:37Yes, and I think we should be making a move.
44:39Mr. Rees?
44:46Oh, Kathleen.
44:49Why do we do it?
44:53God only knows, Vincent.
44:59And, you know, I still couldn't see it.
45:11Why couldn't I see that?
45:13Damp trouser bottoms.
45:15Obviously, from the deer on the grass,
45:17because it was still first thing in the morning.
45:19I mean, that is star quality.
45:24So, listen, are you going to stay over again tonight?
45:29What?
45:30We thought we'd grab a bed at the hotel this time, actually, Jack.
45:34I think it's all the same.
45:36No, it is a fascinating process to behold.
45:40He takes it all in and just lets it brew.
45:43And you get this slow drip of realisation as it all fits together.
45:48Yeah, talking of slow drips, I tell you,
45:51he's going to get his marching orders before too long,
45:53because, I mean, it's like...
45:55Now you've seen the real thing.
45:57Well, there's no comparison, is there?
45:59Oh, God, I would swim through treacle.
46:02I mean, from what you said, he is technically available.
46:05Oh, for the right soul mate.
46:07Of course, I warn you, he's not exactly a pushover.
46:10But if you want to know what really turns him on...
46:21Well, we finally did it.
46:24Yep.
46:25We won't be doing it again.
46:27Probably not.
46:28It was like, I don't know, making love to your favourite uncle.
46:33Which is something you should never do.
46:35Not without consulting your auntie.
46:37Though, on the other hand, we were both very tired.
46:41We were?
46:43Well, funnily enough, I'm not now.
46:48No?
46:50Well...
46:51I suppose...
46:53PHONE RINGS
46:54PHONE RINGS
46:55PHONE RINGS
46:56PHONE RINGS
46:57Hello?
46:58Yes?
46:59No?
47:00No, that a...
47:03Okay.
47:04Ten minutes?
47:05Christine...
47:06needs to see me urgently.
47:19It's okay!
47:20I'm up here!
47:21Come in!
47:22It's okay!
47:23I'm up here!
47:24Come in!
47:25Oh, you are kidding.
47:26Jonathan!
47:27Hi!
47:28Christine!
47:29What's going on up here?
47:30What the hell are you doing, babe?
47:31They're supposed to be at Tesco's!
47:32Oh, you are kidding.
47:33Jonathan!
47:34Hi!
47:35Christine!
47:36What's going on up here?
47:37What the hell are you doing, babe?
47:38They're supposed to be at Tesco's!
47:39Oh, you sick bastards!
47:40What the hell are you doing, babe?
47:41They're supposed to be at Tesco's!
47:42Oh, you sick bastards!
47:43Ah!
47:44Ah!
47:45Oh, you are kidding!
47:46Oh, you are kidding.
47:48Jonathan!
47:49Hi!
47:50Christine!
47:51What's going on up here?
47:52What the hell are you doing, babe?
47:53They're supposed to be at Tesco's!
47:57Oh, you sick bastards!
48:05Bastards!
48:20Look, it's not my fault. I was trying to do you a favour.
48:23I thought you'd be so repulsed by the whole idea that...
48:27Anyway, it sounds as if it's perked up their relationship.
48:30Perhaps you'll see them in a more assertive light now.
48:33Finally.
48:35Look, Jonathan, apropos of last night, I was thinking,
48:40depending on how you've fixed,
48:43when we get back to town,
48:45we could maybe invest in a few bottles of wine tonight,
48:49batten down the hatches, and who knows?
48:54This time we might just...
48:57then you can't expect miracles.
49:07It's just about that matter.
49:09That's a great event.
49:10I don't think it's probably going to be better,
49:12but I'll go back over it.
49:13I don't think that's too big.
49:15That kind of tickles.
49:17That's not the thing that you know.
49:19I think it's a great event.
49:20But that's a great event for everyone to watch on this.
49:21The original event that we've sung in today's show,
49:22is the vast number of people whoивал the world.
49:24They sometimes tons of people who have to film this show.
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