- 4 hours ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Hello and welcome to Am I the Arsehole, the show that's like Bargain Hunt if you replace the H with a C.
00:22Opinions are like arseholes. Everyone's got one, but we're much more interested in exploring other people's.
00:27So please welcome my very opinionated friends, Jamali Maddox and GK Barry.
00:39Present company accepted. Are there any arseholes you have a soft spot for?
00:42Do you know what? I'll say it took me a while, but I'll say the line bike user.
00:47Oh.
00:48Because I really hate them because they park them anywhere, they just ride them recklessly, but I saw one get hit and it was kind of fun.
00:54LAUGHTER
00:55Any arseholes you've got a soft spot for?
00:59Definitely a Karen. I feel like they say what you're all thinking, but you're too afraid to say.
01:04I was in A&E once and we were genuinely there for like 40 days, 40 nights, and this one woman just got up next to me and was like,
01:11these **** waiting times, and I was actually like, yeah, I'm on your side.
01:16And then she started talking about immigrants and I thought, we've gone off topic.
01:19But her original point, I thought, corrects.
01:23Well, the reason for the waiting times is because we've sent immigrants back.
01:26Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:27That's who was staffing the NHS.
01:29That's what you were saying, these **** immigrants, we need them back.
01:31Yeah, I see.
01:32LAUGHTER
01:32At the end of the show, we'll be announcing tonight's biggest arsehole.
01:37Spoiler alert, it's not what you're thinking, I'm not even in the running.
01:40LAUGHTER
01:41OK, time to meet our first contender, please welcome Cheryl.
01:45APPLAUSE
01:47Hi, Cheryl.
01:56Cheryl, tell us why you think you might be the arsehole.
01:59Am I the arsehole for lying about my age to the guy that I was dating for three years?
02:05We are...
02:06Well, let's hear more.
02:09It's not a panto.
02:11So give us some context in this.
02:12How old did you say you were?
02:13So I stick to the fact that I never said I was an age.
02:17We were sitting down on my break one day, and he said,
02:20how old are you?
02:21And I said, take a guess.
02:23And he said, 24.
02:25And you weren't 24.
02:26Well, I said, good guess.
02:27But I was...
02:28It wasn't a good guess, cos I was 19.
02:33When you say your break, where were you working?
02:36I was working at a cafe.
02:37On Epstein's Island?
02:38LAUGHTER
02:39You would have to tell me.
02:42I don't recognise you, no.
02:43I was working at a cafe on a campus, a university campus.
02:53OK.
02:53And how old was the man that you...
02:55So he was a 28-year-old PhD candidate.
02:58Oh.
02:59So you inadvertently made him a nonce?
03:01Yes.
03:03I mean, it's not noncey.
03:05No.
03:05That's at least, that's something.
03:06I mean...
03:07Yeah, but if nonsense here, you're there.
03:09You're looking over the cliff at nonsense.
03:13So why did you lie?
03:14So I just thought he would, like, discount me right away if he knew how young I was.
03:18So I had to make him think I was older.
03:21What a love story.
03:24I think you've overestimated men.
03:27LAUGHTER
03:28I think it's sort of adorable.
03:30I think he would have gone, yep, fine.
03:32So he never cottoned on to this?
03:34I don't think so.
03:35There were times where I thought he might have, but I don't think he ever did.
03:38All right.
03:39But once I had told, like, once the lie happened, I couldn't then correct it.
03:42I think it was less about the age gap and more about the lie at that point.
03:46Yeah, OK.
03:47Would you ever lie about your age, Grace?
03:49When I was younger, yeah, if I was trying to buy, like, cigarettes or alcohol from the corner shop,
03:54I'd be like, I'm 34.
03:56But to a man, I've never lied about my age.
03:59Have you?
03:59No, I've just always looked old, so they wouldn't even ask me.
04:03I literally look like this from 18.
04:05You had a full beard at 18?
04:06Yeah, yeah, yeah.
04:07Nice.
04:08Well, the lies...
04:08So you got caught in a lie early on?
04:10I never got caught.
04:13OK.
04:13He does...
04:14To this day, he don't know how old you actually was.
04:16He still has no idea.
04:17How far did you go in this lie?
04:19Too far.
04:20I kind of created, like, a separate life.
04:22Like, I had to recreate my social media account so he didn't see what year I graduated high school.
04:28I had a few trusted friends that knew about the lie and they went along with it.
04:33He never got suspicious?
04:34I don't think so.
04:35He wasn't like, why does this adult always want a milkshake?
04:37Like, he never...
04:38Did he ever meet your family?
04:41He met my parents once.
04:43I've got a written statement from your parents.
04:46Yeah, I make an effort.
04:48OK, to be clear, we would never lie for her.
04:50She knew if he asked, we would tell the truth, but he never asked.
04:54That's a bit disturbing because either she was a convincing liar or he was so terrible at basic maths that he couldn't add up her years at uni.
05:02So I think they lied for you because they thought, oh, he's an idiot.
05:06Yeah.
05:07He's happy enough.
05:08Yeah, maybe we should just blame him.
05:09Like, he should have checked your ID.
05:11How creepy is that?
05:12Can I see your ID?
05:14You seem lovely.
05:14I'm going to ask you out on a date.
05:15Can I check your ID before anything happens?
05:17You've got to do that now, clubbing.
05:19People are older than they are.
05:20You've got to check their ID.
05:21So even when he went to your parents and didn't clock, he didn't go, wow, her parents are my age.
05:26I did think at one point he saw my passport.
05:31Oh, he booked our flights from London to Paris and had to put in my birthday.
05:37And then I had to call the airline.
05:40And I was like, my boyfriend got my birthday wrong.
05:43And they were like, oh, what's the date?
05:44And I was like, it's actually the year.
05:47Men, am I right?
05:48Like, I didn't know what else.
05:50So I had to just change the year.
05:51I don't know.
05:52I'm just, this seems like too much hassle.
05:54I'm any excuse to break up.
05:56Why are you smiling?
05:59Just saying, she's out here smiling too much.
06:03Are you in a relationship now?
06:05I am now.
06:06And does he know your real age?
06:08He does, which is the question my dad asked when he met him.
06:12Yeah.
06:12Do you know how old she is?
06:14I'm sorry, mate, I didn't.
06:16I'll leave.
06:17Okay, I don't know if you're an arsehole.
06:19I think, like, you got caught in a lie and you just committed to the bit.
06:23What do you think?
06:24Not an arsehole or arsehole?
06:24No, I think she just enjoyed the lie.
06:27And I think she was 19 and she thought it made her interesting to be older.
06:31She was 19.
06:32We all did stuff at 19.
06:33Can we ask how old you are now?
06:3532 now.
06:36Well, how do we know if that's true?
06:38I mean, look at my face.
06:40I am looking at your face.
06:42I can see a liar.
06:45But not the arsehole.
06:46Thank you very much, indeed, for being here.
06:47Cheryl, everyone.
06:48I definitely thought they were going to say that I was the arsehole for just all of the
07:01cumulative lies.
07:03Don't lie about your age.
07:04They'll always find out.
07:05And if they like you, they will just like you.
07:08So, he was 28, she was 19.
07:10Is that an acceptable age gap?
07:12I think it gets more acceptable, like, the older you are.
07:15But I think that I'm 34.
07:18And if I think I'm dating a 19-year-old, that's kind of, ugh.
07:21But I think if you're 50 and you're dating a 19-year-old, that's kind of all right.
07:24There's a French rule.
07:29You ever heard of this?
07:29The French rule is meant to be half your age plus seven for guys.
07:34That is so extra to work out.
07:36Just date someone.
07:38What, half your age plus seven?
07:38That's like working out a 24-hour clock.
07:41You've got to, like, plus 12 long.
07:45Like, if it's 8 o'clock, then you've got to add 12 onto it,
07:49and then it's the 24-hour time.
07:51Is that it?
07:52Are you broken?
07:5224-hour time.
07:54It's like 16 o'clock is 4.
07:5716 o'clock?
07:59I'm just trying to do the maths.
08:01Like, the maths, it adds complication.
08:03Just date.
08:04You want a date.
08:06OK, let's take a look at my in-tray.
08:08Am I the arsehole for only donating £2 for a song
08:11my aspiring rapper friend,
08:14who was then upset at the amount I donated?
08:17Aspiring rapper donated £2.
08:19This is just a guy that knows a busker.
08:21That's quite a lot of money for some people,
08:24so I think that's absolutely fine.
08:26Is it?
08:26Yeah.
08:27Yeah.
08:27It's better than 50p.
08:28It's better than 50p.
08:29I don't even donate that to charity.
08:31You know, when they ask, do you want to donate to it,
08:33fuck off.
08:35So I think that's very generous.
08:36I don't think you should support your friend's dreams.
08:42Tell me more.
08:44It's just, I think there's nothing more icked
08:46than someone trying to achieve their dreams.
08:48Once they have their dream, it's great,
08:50and I'll be there for the celebration,
08:51but that come up, I ain't there for that.
08:53While you're struggling and like, can I do this,
08:57I'll probably be in the background going,
08:58probably not.
09:01OK, where's John?
09:05Have we got John?
09:05Hi, John.
09:06How are you?
09:07Why do you think you might be an arsehole?
09:08Am I the arsehole for stealing from my father
09:10to buy brand new Xbox 360?
09:13Why not just steal an Xbox?
09:16Like, if stealing is a sin,
09:18then why not just get the Xbox?
09:20My father used to get a lot of money
09:21through different means,
09:23and I asked him for an Xbox at this point.
09:25Was your dad a male prostitute?
09:29That seems like such a weird way to say
09:31my dad had a job.
09:33No, he didn't.
09:34He used to say to people,
09:35he didn't like money being in the bank,
09:36because he used to think people would steal from him,
09:38but it was funny, because I then
09:39was stealing the money from him.
09:40So he would hide the money,
09:42but I knew where it was,
09:43and I asked him for this Xbox,
09:44and he said no.
09:45And I, as a 14-year-old boy,
09:47thought, I need the money,
09:48and I really want this Xbox.
09:49So when he used to sleep,
09:51I used to sneak into his room,
09:53steal a 20 at the time,
09:54nothing major,
09:55and then call my mum to come pick me up
09:56and take me home.
09:57And this went on for maybe a few months.
10:00I had about £220,
10:01and then I bought myself an Xbox.
10:03But you know what?
10:03You missed out the most important part
10:05of that story,
10:06because I'm guessing your family,
10:07they're divorced.
10:08Yeah, yeah, split up.
10:08So your dad owes you an Xbox.
10:10Yeah, technically, yeah.
10:12Because when my mum and dad broke up,
10:13I got a Sega Mega Drive.
10:14That was owed to me by God.
10:16Yeah.
10:17And I like the slyness of you
10:19calling your mum,
10:20you're proper playing them against each other,
10:21like, I'm going to call mum to come pick me up.
10:23And it was just 20 at a time.
10:25It was 20 at a time.
10:25I didn't want to risk it.
10:26I didn't want to go 40 or 60.
10:27That was too much.
10:28Maybe you would have noticed.
10:29I bet your mum was complaining
10:30that there's no child support,
10:31but you were stealing the money.
10:33Your dad's in court saying,
10:35I don't know where the fucking money's gone.
10:37All right, I think, I think,
10:38I'm going to say,
10:39I mean, he's a thief.
10:40Yeah.
10:40No.
10:41I don't think he's an arsehole.
10:42Also, you were 14.
10:43Enjoy yourself.
10:46Where's Nicky?
10:46We've got Nicky.
10:48Why do you think you might be an arsehole?
10:49Am I the arsehole
10:51for regularly telling my adult children
10:53that I'm too busy or working
10:55just to get out of seeing them?
11:00Well, now, what's happened here is
11:02clearly your adult kids aren't nice.
11:06And I blame you.
11:08Oh, is this the kid?
11:10This is one of them.
11:12I think you're the arsehole for telling him.
11:15Hello, sir, what's your name?
11:17Ben.
11:17Hi, Ben.
11:18Hello, mate.
11:19We're going to start a GoFundMe
11:20for your therapy.
11:22I don't know what to tell you.
11:25This is some, yeah.
11:27Well, it's news to me.
11:29In my defence,
11:31I have got a defence.
11:32Difficult birth, was it?
11:35Oh, he ripped me in two.
11:38Look at the size of the head on him.
11:40They're at the age
11:41where they always want something from me.
11:44Either a lift
11:45or look after the dogs
11:46or can you have the baby
11:47or can you do the decorating
11:50or go shopping?
11:51And so I make out that I'm busy
11:53or working
11:54just to have a bit of free time.
11:56I like when you said the baby.
11:58You mean your grandkid.
12:00It's very rare you get a mum going,
12:02I'm out.
12:02I've done my parenting.
12:04Done with this.
12:04He was probably about 21
12:06and my other son was probably about 23.
12:09I like this.
12:09I like the idea.
12:10She's a mum for 21 years
12:11and then the shutters came down
12:13and she's gone,
12:13right, you can all fuck off.
12:16To be fair,
12:17I'm there for my youngest one.
12:18She's 16
12:19so she's got five more years
12:21and that's it.
12:23She's watching this terrified.
12:26I don't think you're an arsehole.
12:27I think you've nailed motherhood.
12:28All right, time for a break now.
12:36We're going to take
12:37a long, hard look in the mirror
12:38or if there's no cocaine backstage,
12:40we just have a cuppa.
12:41See you in five.
12:54Welcome back to Am I the Arsehole,
12:56the show with more uses
12:57of the word arsehole
12:58than a Tourette's convention
13:00in Glasgow.
13:01All right, I'm ready
13:02for another one.
13:03Get out here, Jo.
13:13Hi, Jo.
13:14Why do you think
13:14you might be the arsehole?
13:16Am I the arsehole
13:18for locking the cupboard
13:19to stop my daughter
13:20from using all
13:22of the drinking glasses?
13:23You've said that
13:24like everyone's going
13:24to agree with you.
13:25They are.
13:26So how many glasses
13:27are we talking?
13:28Oh, on a good day,
13:2915.
13:30On a bad day,
13:3130-odd.
13:32There's loads.
13:33Have you had her kidneys
13:34looked at?
13:35What the hell is she doing?
13:37I don't know.
13:38This is the whole point.
13:39I do not know what she's...
13:41I've tried so many things
13:42to stop her.
13:43I think we've got a shot
13:43of the glasses
13:44that she's used around there.
13:45So she's just using them
13:46and then leaving them around.
13:47Randomly and leaves them
13:47everywhere.
13:47OK, that's all right.
13:48Top of the stairs.
13:50Why don't you not have
13:5230 glasses in the house?
13:53Why don't you just have
13:54two glasses,
13:55one for you,
13:55one for her?
13:56Exactly.
13:57Can I just tell you,
13:58I went out
13:59and I bought her a glass
14:00and it had her initial on it.
14:02I think we have a picture
14:03of said glass.
14:04Let's have a look.
14:05See, D for Daisy.
14:07And does she like the big D?
14:10You'd have to ask her, Jimmy.
14:11I'm not sure.
14:11Well, the apple never
14:12falls far from the tree.
14:15Can I ask how old
14:16your daughter is?
14:16She's 19.
14:17That's fine then.
14:18You've only got another
14:18two years of this
14:19and then you're out.
14:22Right.
14:25Job's off.
14:27OK, I mean,
14:27I can definitely see your point
14:29and you've...
14:29Let's hear from her.
14:31Oh.
14:31Daisy, come on out.
14:34What's your side of this?
14:44This has caused a lot of tension.
14:45We've had our back and forth arguments.
14:47My mum took things
14:48into her own hand.
14:49I went to university
14:50and then she decided
14:52to take all of the antiques
14:54out of our antique cupboard,
14:55put them into the glass drawer
14:57where we keep all our glasses,
14:59take our glasses
15:00and put them into
15:01the antique cupboard
15:02and then lock it.
15:03So I came back,
15:04looked in the cupboard,
15:05saw a load of antiques
15:07and I went to my mum
15:08where are all the glasses
15:09and saw them.
15:09We have said cupboard here.
15:12That isn't even
15:13the first thing I tried.
15:15The first thing I tried
15:16was baby locks.
15:17I put baby locks
15:18on the cupboard
15:19that, you know,
15:20toddlers have.
15:21I came home one day
15:22and they'd been opened.
15:24Because she's not a toddler.
15:25No.
15:26I think she can
15:27manoeuvre the toddler lock.
15:29But she's YouTubed it.
15:31I did YouTubed it.
15:33Yeah.
15:33You had to look that up
15:34on YouTube?
15:35Yeah, I did.
15:37Are you all right?
15:40It's just inconvenient.
15:41Like, on one occasion,
15:43I needed a glass,
15:45but I don't know
15:46where the key was.
15:46I took the toothbrush
15:48out of the toothbrush thing
15:50and then I had to use that.
15:53Jimmy, these kids
15:53are fucking mental
15:54these days.
15:56You hear that?
15:57Mum was that.
15:58So she took a toothbrush.
16:00Now, you're mad.
16:01Yes.
16:03I think there are parents
16:04out there
16:05with bigger problems
16:06with their kids.
16:08What do you think, Chris?
16:09I'm going to be honest.
16:10When I lived at home,
16:11I did the same thing.
16:12If my glass is upstairs
16:13and I've gone downstairs,
16:16am I fuck going back up?
16:18So I'll just get
16:20another glass
16:20and then maybe
16:21at the end of the week
16:22my mum will bring them down.
16:24My friends came around
16:25after exams
16:26and we were all
16:27celebrating with gin
16:28and wine.
16:29From the bottle?
16:30I was going to go out
16:31and get the glasses.
16:32My mum wasn't in,
16:33didn't know where the key was.
16:34Luckily, my friend
16:35lived around the corner.
16:36So we had to walk
16:37all of us around the corner,
16:38get the glasses,
16:39bring them back
16:39just so we could use...
16:41Oh, my God.
16:41Are you OK?
16:42Is it tough life?
16:43Oh, my...
16:44Sorry, round the corner
16:45and then back?
16:46Oh, my God.
16:48I said I wasn't
16:50going to cry.
16:53What the fuck
16:54are you talking about?
16:55That may be
16:56the worst story
16:57I've ever heard.
16:59She is 19.
17:00This is kind of her job.
17:03Her job's to kind of
17:04annoy mum
17:06and take a bunch
17:07of glasses in her room.
17:08That's her job.
17:09I feel like
17:10this is one of those
17:10moments that you
17:11complain about now
17:12when she moves out,
17:13you'll cry over
17:14because you'll mess up.
17:15Well, maybe.
17:16I think teenagers
17:17are meant to be annoying.
17:18Otherwise,
17:19if you got on
17:19like a house on fire,
17:21she'd never move out.
17:22Do you pay rent at home?
17:24No,
17:24because I go to...
17:25I'm at university.
17:26Why would you pay rent
17:27with the service
17:28she's given?
17:28She wouldn't pay
17:29the whole person down.
17:31You treat this place
17:32like a hotel.
17:33Yeah.
17:34One star.
17:37All right.
17:37I don't know.
17:38I think...
17:38Who's the arsehole?
17:39What are you saying, Grace?
17:40Mum, I don't think
17:41you're the arsehole.
17:43I love you.
17:43Yeah, I get it.
17:45I get it.
17:46I think you might be,
17:47but not in a mean way.
17:49I don't think the crime
17:50fits the punishment.
17:51Mm.
17:52I don't think this is about...
17:53It's often like
17:54the way in relationships.
17:55The argument's not about
17:56what the argument's about.
17:57I think Mum's trying to say
17:58she wants you
18:00to move out.
18:01I think...
18:01I think your mum and dad
18:03have an active
18:04and varied sex life.
18:06And they...
18:07And they want to explore more.
18:10No, look at me
18:11when I tell you.
18:11They want to...
18:12And they want to invite
18:14friends round.
18:15And they want to...
18:16They don't want to be
18:17wearing clothes in the house
18:18any more.
18:18They want you gone.
18:20This is just all...
18:21This is a side issue.
18:22I think in this situation,
18:24Daisy,
18:24I don't think you're an arsehole.
18:25I think you are
18:26the arsehole, though.
18:27Yes.
18:28Thank you very much,
18:29Joe and Daisy.
18:30I will try my best
18:41to stop
18:42so we can move on
18:43and take the glasses
18:44out of the antique.
18:46Can I have a copy of this,
18:47by the way?
18:48Joe's always at the house.
18:49Where is she?
18:50Every one of Daisy's stories
18:51is like,
18:51my mum was that,
18:52my mum was that.
18:53Get back in the house.
18:54What are you doing?
18:55What is that?
18:56You're very 70s.
18:57I'm very...
18:58All right, mum,
18:59get back in the house.
19:01Let's have another look
19:02at my in-tray.
19:03Am I the arsehole
19:04for refusing to let
19:05my girlfriend bring
19:05her dead dog's ashes
19:07on holiday?
19:08I mean...
19:08No!
19:10If you're not going
19:10to draw the line there,
19:11we're not going
19:11to have a line.
19:12I brought my cats
19:13on holiday with me.
19:14What?
19:15Your cat's ashes?
19:16Yeah, he's in my necklace.
19:17We went swimming.
19:18I don't think you know
19:19how big cats are
19:20and how...
19:22You put a bit of your cat
19:24in a necklace.
19:24Yeah.
19:25I think it's only all right
19:26to bring the ashes
19:26on holiday
19:27if you're going
19:28to spread them
19:28in the bin.
19:31That's what
19:31we would have wanted.
19:33All right.
19:34Where's Steve?
19:35We've got Steve?
19:36Yeah.
19:36Hi, Steve.
19:37Hiya.
19:38Why do you think
19:38you might be an arsehole?
19:39Am I the arsehole
19:40for feeling uncomfortable
19:41around female cleaners?
19:44Whereabouts?
19:45No, it's specifically
19:46in men's toilets
19:48when they come barging
19:49into a man's toilet
19:50to clean the toilet
19:51when I'm in the loo.
19:52I get you.
19:53I've got a trick for this.
19:55What I do
19:55is I put my dick away
19:57and I stop masturbating.
20:02I'm sort of with him,
20:04though,
20:04because sometimes
20:05you do get a female
20:05cleaner,
20:06like in a service station,
20:07you go,
20:07ah,
20:08but I still need
20:09to take a piss.
20:09What are you going to do?
20:10Yeah,
20:10they could at least
20:11knock the door
20:12and give you the opportunity
20:13to say,
20:13just give me a minute,
20:14as opposed to walking
20:16in and directly
20:17making eye contact
20:17with you
20:18and saying,
20:18good morning.
20:20How are they saying
20:21good morning?
20:22Good morning.
20:24No,
20:25unfortunately.
20:26I think it's going
20:27to transpire
20:28Steve's got like
20:28four convictions
20:29for a decent exposure.
20:31He's going,
20:31they're walking in on me.
20:33I didn't know
20:34this was a primary school.
20:35No.
20:38Obviously,
20:38I'm joking, Steve.
20:39What do you think?
20:41I think if you've got
20:42a small willy,
20:42you might be upset
20:43about it,
20:44but if you're
20:45well-endowed,
20:46you're not giving a fuck
20:47who walks in.
20:49I think in this case,
20:50I think Grace
20:51is the arsehole.
20:51Yeah.
20:55Jamala,
20:56do you get embarrassed
20:57of her?
20:57No,
20:57don't bother me.
20:58Not that she said that.
20:59No,
20:59no,
21:00I love you.
21:01I don't think
21:02you're the arsehole.
21:03I think it's a weird thing.
21:05There should be
21:05some kind of etiquette
21:06or a bell to ring
21:07or something.
21:08Yeah.
21:08OK.
21:09Am I the arsehole
21:10for buying my grandparents
21:11bratwurst
21:12when my grandpa
21:13can't eat it
21:14due to his high cholesterol?
21:16One bratwurst
21:16ain't going to kill him.
21:18No.
21:18You know,
21:19it's like that old phrase,
21:20you lose a grandfather
21:21but you gain a bungalow.
21:26Where's,
21:26where's Thomas?
21:27Where are you, Thomas?
21:28Hi, Thomas.
21:29I'm going to say yes.
21:33It's your gut feel.
21:35Why do you think
21:35you might be an arsehole?
21:36I might be arsehole
21:37for getting prom dates banned.
21:38What do you mean,
21:39getting prom dates banned?
21:40So we were all lining up
21:42outside of the sort of disco hall
21:44and everybody had paired up
21:46with who they wanted to go with,
21:48usually like a boy,
21:49girl, boy, girl.
21:49And a girl came up to me,
21:52asked me if I wanted
21:53to go with her
21:54but I thought she was
21:55playing a prank
21:55so I said no
21:57but it came across
21:58more harsh than I expected
21:59so she started crying a lot
22:01and then they said
22:02it could only be boys and boys
22:03and girls and girls
22:04for the rest of the night.
22:05Wait,
22:05so a girl asked you
22:07to the prom,
22:07you thought she was joking
22:09so you said no
22:11and then she cried
22:12and then the school went,
22:13right,
22:14everyone's gay.
22:16But the funny thing is,
22:18this is what right-wing boomers
22:20think is happening
22:20in school.
22:22They're making everyone gay
22:23and then he's like,
22:24yeah,
22:24they're made of gay.
22:26I don't know
22:26if that makes you an arsehole.
22:28I think at school
22:29people are really mean.
22:30I would think someone
22:31was taking the piss too.
22:32I think you're protecting yourself.
22:34It's difficult being a kid.
22:35What are you going to do?
22:37Not an arsehole.
22:39Am I the arsehole
22:40for turning down
22:41being best man
22:42because I can't be arsed
22:43with organising the stag do
22:44or writing the speech?
22:47I think you've made
22:47a good decision
22:48because you're not the best man.
22:49You're not even a good bloke.
22:51I don't get that thing
22:54of it's sort of a privilege
22:55for me to have a job.
22:57I've got to write
22:58a funny speech
22:59for your fucking boring family.
23:00Fuck that.
23:03OK, I'm sorry I asked.
23:05All right.
23:06Time for a break
23:07because if there's one thing
23:08Bonnie Blue's taught me
23:09it's that even arseholes
23:10need a rest.
23:11See you in five.
23:13APPLAUSE
23:13Welcome back to
23:23Am I the arsehole?
23:24A show for anyone
23:25who's ever googled
23:26does it count as cheating
23:27if...
23:29Next up we've got
23:30three potential arseholes
23:31we're looking for
23:32the worst offender.
23:33Come on out here
23:34Ryan, Jordan and Paul.
23:35APPLAUSE
23:36OK, Ryan, why might
23:48you be the arsehole?
23:49Am I the arsehole
23:50for wanting foods
23:51banned in theatres?
23:52Jordan?
23:53Am I the arsehole
23:54for eating all the sausages
23:56at a hotel breakfast buffet?
23:57Paul, yours?
23:58Am I the arsehole
23:59for bailing on my friend
24:00because he took me
24:01to a wine bar?
24:03OK, Ryan, food
24:04banned in theatres?
24:05Yeah, completely banned.
24:06Tell us more.
24:07So nothing that crunches,
24:08rustles, anything that
24:10chews, sucking.
24:13Just anything like that.
24:14I was with you
24:15until no sucking in theatres.
24:17So you watched the noise?
24:19Even when I was a kid
24:20I couldn't stand
24:21the noise of people eating.
24:22It's actually a condition
24:23may I add.
24:24Is the condition
24:25being an arsehole?
24:27No.
24:28So if I'm watching a show
24:30that's all I can focus on
24:31is if people are eating
24:32behind me
24:33and the rustling
24:34and the constant whispering
24:36like, oh, do you want some?
24:37Do you want some?
24:38Like, no, it's too much.
24:40And then last time I went
24:41there was actually
24:42people behind me
24:43opening Tupperware pots
24:44as well.
24:45I was like,
24:46what have you brought?
24:47Your dinner from last night?
24:49I'd go to a theatre
24:50with a whole roast,
24:51I don't know.
24:52We won't get on then.
24:54Yeah, no, probably not.
24:57You go theatre as me.
24:58I don't think we were
24:58in the same casual area
25:00of friendship.
25:01All right, I can kind of
25:03see his point.
25:03Can you see his point?
25:04I don't give a fuck
25:05what you're saying.
25:06I love you.
25:06I just think you're great.
25:08I think with the sounds,
25:09though, if someone's
25:10smacking their lips next to me...
25:11Yeah, stop it worse.
25:12OK.
25:13OK.
25:14Don't start.
25:15Stop it.
25:15That was a bit flirty.
25:16She's turned.
25:20No, I do agree
25:21when people are smacking
25:22their lips and whatever,
25:24you could probably
25:24just get violent, though.
25:26Yeah.
25:26That could solve that.
25:26Well, I'll give them
25:27the deaf look.
25:28I like that.
25:29I don't want to start
25:30around in a theatre.
25:31Yeah.
25:31Can I see a deaf look?
25:32It's just like,
25:33I don't know,
25:33I'll just give them
25:34a dirty look.
25:35Like...
25:36LAUGHTER
25:36I'll be honest with you,
25:39I think Jamali
25:40might have a better
25:41dirty look.
25:42Give him a dirty look.
25:42Give me a dirty look.
25:44Oh, yeah,
25:45that is quite dirty.
25:45LAUGHTER
25:46LAUGHTER
25:46I don't think you're...
25:49I don't think you're
25:50the arsehole.
25:51OK.
25:51Jordan, what do you mean
25:52all the sausage?
25:54Tell us more.
25:55So, I was staying away
25:56and I went to breakfast.
25:59It was about five to ten
26:00and I stopped serving at ten
26:01and the lady who's worked there
26:03says,
26:03what's left left?
26:04We're not making anything else.
26:05I thought, fair enough.
26:06So, I'm walking over
26:08to the hot food counter
26:08and I hear I say
26:10to a colleague,
26:11I want sausage on toast
26:12for me breakfast,
26:13but he's going to have
26:14the last of the sausages
26:15and I thought,
26:16there'll be two or three left.
26:16I probably will.
26:18Now, I know I'm overweight,
26:20I'm easy to see
26:20but I got there
26:21and there was 13 sausages left
26:23and in what world
26:25is someone going to consume
26:2613 sausages
26:27and she thinks I'm taking the lot?
26:29So, I did.
26:29I took them on.
26:31You ate 13 sausages?
26:33No.
26:33I couldn't finish 13.
26:35I just didn't want her
26:36to have any
26:36so I ate 12
26:37and I just licked the last one.
26:39LAUGHTER
26:40He still put 12 away.
26:42Like, we were like
26:44the last I thought
26:44he didn't eat 13.
26:45Yeah, he'd be ate 12.
26:4712 is a lot.
26:48That is an impacted colon
26:50of a breakfast.
26:53And the lady,
26:54did she watch you
26:55lick the last one?
26:56Yeah.
26:57Proper eye contact
26:58just licking a sausage.
27:00Yeah, I tried to keep eye contact
27:01just because
27:01she annoyed me
27:02with a comment
27:03because I'm a paying customer.
27:04The thing that you
27:05was offended by
27:06is she saying
27:07this guy is so greedy
27:09he could eat
27:09all these sausages.
27:10So to get her back
27:12you'd proved her right.
27:13Yeah.
27:14By being able to eat
27:15that many sausages.
27:17Yeah.
27:17Fair enough.
27:19OK.
27:19It's not a greed issue
27:20though here.
27:21I think this is a pride issue.
27:22This is a level of petty
27:23I like.
27:24I respect it.
27:2512 sausages
27:26is hardcore.
27:28I would try and do the same.
27:29But there was no one else
27:30really in there
27:31because it was five to...
27:32It was like five to ten,
27:33yeah.
27:33Yeah, fuck that bitch.
27:35She definitely
27:36wanted you to hear that.
27:37I feel like
27:38it's the kind of arseholery
27:40that we fully embrace
27:41on this show
27:41we would all do
27:43something similar
27:44but arseholes.
27:45Yeah.
27:46I agree.
27:46It was an uncomfortable
27:47drive home.
27:49Ah!
27:51All right, let's...
27:52Paul, you bailed on your friend
27:53because he took you
27:54to a wine bar.
27:55Why did you bail
27:56on your friend?
27:57Well, we've been out
27:58for drinks before.
27:59We're really close
27:59but in particular
28:00when he drinks wine
28:01he becomes a different person
28:02and he's what I like
28:03to call a wine drinker
28:05whereas I'm someone
28:05who will drink wine
28:06and they're two
28:06completely different people.
28:08Okay, explain.
28:09So, for me
28:09I'm a wine...
28:10I drink wine
28:11I'll just have a sip
28:12that's nice
28:13it's alcoholic
28:13that's enough for me.
28:14A wine drinker
28:15would be like
28:15I'm getting oats
28:17I'm getting lavender
28:18I'm getting...
28:19You're getting oats?
28:20It's a beer.
28:21I think you're lucky
28:22that's like
28:23a small issue to have
28:24and at least
28:25they know their wines
28:26and it could be worse
28:27could take you to a spoons.
28:28Can you only buy wine
28:30at a wine bar
28:31for you?
28:31They have other beverages?
28:33I don't want to find out
28:34to be honest with you.
28:34Oh, so you didn't even
28:35go check it out?
28:36Once I saw a wine bar
28:37I was out
28:38they didn't even walk inside.
28:39It's the way
28:39he orders a drink
28:40anyone else orders a beer
28:42you order rum and coke
28:43whatever you order
28:44he has to say
28:45is that a bottle
28:46of Pinot Grigio
28:46I see hiding
28:47in the corner over there.
28:50And then he orders
28:51a house red anyway
28:52I just don't understand
28:53it.
28:53It's nonsense.
28:54I think you should
28:55consider yourself lucky
28:56that your friend
28:57just turns pretentious
28:59when they drink
29:00that I had a mate
29:01that when they drank
29:02red wine
29:02tried to beat me up
29:04while I was wearing
29:05penguin pyjamas
29:06and I thought
29:07if this is how I go
29:08that's really fucking
29:09embarrassing.
29:10So I think
29:11is that
29:11sorry
29:12this sounds like
29:13a fever dream
29:14had you been drinking
29:15the wine?
29:16Well yeah
29:16we both have been
29:17but not red
29:18I'm not a red drinker.
29:20Okay.
29:22I sort of think
29:23of these three
29:25I think
29:25I think Ryan
29:26he's
29:27sorry mate
29:27he wants to
29:29stop other people
29:30doing stuff
29:31that's none of his
29:32business.
29:33I think that's
29:33kind of arsehole
29:34behaviour man.
29:34I sort of think
29:35maybe everyone here
29:36is an arsehole
29:37but there are degrees.
29:38Okay.
29:38Ryan I agree with
29:40I think people
29:41are too loud
29:41in the theatre
29:42but they've got
29:43to be able
29:43to eat something.
29:44Friend being
29:44pretentious
29:45yeah
29:45okay
29:46you could be
29:47a little bit
29:47more understanding.
29:48Eating 13 sausages
29:50to get revenge
29:52on a lady
29:52that works
29:53in a hotel
29:54canteen
29:55restaurant
29:55so that she
29:56couldn't have
29:57a sausage
29:58for breakfast.
29:59That is an
30:00arsehole mood.
30:01You my friend
30:02are the worst
30:03arsehole
30:04and I would add
30:04to that
30:05I like you
30:06and I approve
30:07but arsehole.
30:10Thank you gentlemen.
30:20I'm disappointed
30:21with the outcome
30:21I'm not going to lie
30:22I really thought
30:23it was going to
30:24par.
30:24Yeah I did think
30:25but also
30:26I agree why
30:27you've done it
30:28but it is up there
30:29innit.
30:29You want people
30:30to starve.
30:31Yeah
30:31only for a couple
30:32of hours.
30:33I'm not obsessed
30:34with eating sausages
30:35it was just
30:36a moment
30:37of pettiness.
30:38I just imagine
30:38that poor woman
30:39is going
30:40do you have
30:40do you have
30:40a good day
30:40at work love?
30:42Yeah it's weird.
30:44Guy's eating
30:44a sausage.
30:46Yeah it's kind
30:47of the eye contact
30:48as he licks
30:49a sausage
30:49just to put it
30:50back on his face.
30:50Go on
30:51then she's probably
30:51got two jobs
30:52she works as a cleaner
30:52this guy's got
30:53his knob out
30:53in the bathroom.
30:55It's like I've
30:56seen nothing
30:56but sausages
30:57today.
30:58It's an absolute
30:59well sausage
30:59and a chipolata.
31:02It's a nightmare.
31:03Okay now it's
31:04time to see
31:04if we've got
31:04any arseholes
31:05in our studio
31:06audience I'm
31:06going to ask
31:06a series of
31:07questions.
31:07If the answer
31:08is yes stay
31:08standing.
31:09If the answer
31:09is no you
31:10can sit down.
31:11Everyone on
31:11your feet.
31:12If you don't
31:12want to stand up
31:13you can just
31:13raise your hand.
31:14Okay.
31:15Stay standing
31:16if you've ever
31:16farted on public
31:17transport then
31:19pulled a who
31:19did that face.
31:20do that face.
31:21Do that face.
31:21Do that face.
31:21OK, anyone that sat down, you are arseholes because you're liars.
31:32Stand back up.
31:34All right, next question.
31:35I want honesty.
31:36OK.
31:37Stay standing if you've ever deliberately left the price tag on a gift
31:41so they knew how much you paid for it.
31:45Oh, the worst mum in Britain's done it.
31:47I just want to check which one of her kids she traumatised with this.
31:53What was the gift?
31:54I probably put a price tag that was higher than I actually paid.
31:59I mean...
32:00I made a laptop eight free gift and made out that I'd bought it.
32:06I love you admitting things that aren't even being questioned right now.
32:09Yeah.
32:10And I murdered my first husband.
32:13All right, this will sort them out, OK.
32:15Stay standing if you've ever used someone else's toothbrush without them knowing.
32:21OK, lady on the front row there, can I ask, what did you use the toothbrush for?
32:26For my teeth.
32:27For your teeth?
32:27Yeah.
32:28Well, that's fine then.
32:30What was the scenario?
32:31I've done that a few times.
32:34At people's houses, if I wanted to freshen my breath, I don't really...
32:38Yeah, it sounds really bad now I'm saying it out loud, but it has happened.
32:41At friends' houses...
32:42On more than one occasion, yeah.
32:43At friends' houses, when you want to freshen your breath,
32:45Yeah, you know, when you've been sick or something.
32:49You don't want to leave the bathroom without sorting yourself out.
32:52Yeah, sometimes you go round a friend's house, you eat some dinner,
32:55you go and vomit, and then you want to brush your teeth, of course.
32:59We've all been there.
33:00Not just for being sick, but, yeah.
33:01All right, stay standing if you've ever cheated at the self-checkout machine.
33:06I love this one guy in the corner, you can't even see his face, he's that evil.
33:16Just standing in the corner, he's evil.
33:19Are you giving evidence in a trial?
33:24Lady down here in the grey, what was the scenario here?
33:27What happened?
33:27Oh, it's you, yeah, yeah.
33:30Am I in grey?
33:31I mean, this is quite colourful, I'd say.
33:35No further questions, arsehole.
33:43Self-service checkout, so what's the biggest thing you've taken?
33:46Biggest, in terms of size, I've taken a 24-pack of Lurol.
33:50And you just, you didn't swipe that?
33:52No, I just kept it next to me, and they came, and they checked the alcohol and stuff,
33:57and then I was like, OK.
33:59You're a thief, OK.
34:02OK, stay standing if you've ever parked in a parent and child space
34:05without having a child with you.
34:10OK, these two.
34:11I have a child.
34:12You have a child?
34:13We do.
34:13So what did you say, when you got out of the car and someone went,
34:15sorry, that's for people with kids, you just went,
34:17oh, I just got abducted.
34:19We had the car seat.
34:21Yeah, just got the child with us.
34:22If you've got the car seat, that's fine.
34:24You could just go, he's in the boot.
34:27OK, stay standing if you've ever killed an animal bigger than a rat.
34:31Who was standing?
34:32You're, hang on, this guy's still...
34:34Wait.
34:36OK, can you sit down so we can see your face?
34:39OK, so you, what animal did you kill?
34:41Possums, goats.
34:43Um, sheep.
34:45Cows.
34:46Why did you kill these animals?
34:48In New Zealand, you're allowed to go, I hope, go goat hunting.
34:51You have to think, no matter what a Kiwi says,
34:53his accent, he sounds so jolly, isn't it?
34:54Yeah.
34:56What did you use?
34:57Do you use, like, a rock?
34:58No, rifles.
34:59Oh, sick.
34:59Of course.
35:00OK, with this, there's a real man in here, let's back off.
35:04Yeah, arsehole, but nothing but respect.
35:06Great.
35:06You are the, uh, the biggest arsehole in the audience.
35:11APPLAUSE
35:11Time for a break now, but when we get back,
35:18we'll be revealing tonight's biggest arsehole.
35:20It's actually the highest honour an arsehole can achieve these days,
35:23because they've stopped doing Rear of the Year.
35:25Let's keep going.
35:28APPLAUSE
35:28Welcome back to Am I the Arsehole?
35:39It's nearly time to reveal tonight's biggest arsehole,
35:41but first, some arseholes couldn't be here in person,
35:43but rest assured, they did send in some videos.
35:46Let's take a look.
35:47Am I the arsehole because I bought my own chair to a date?
35:51This girl on a dating app asked me out on a picnic.
35:54I thought the girl was cool, but I hate picnics.
35:56I hate the grass, I get itchy,
35:59I get covered in ants and small bugs.
36:01Hate them.
36:02But I just thought it would be fine if I bought my own chair along
36:05so I didn't have to sit in the grass.
36:06So I bought along a camping chair and she was sitting there on a rug.
36:10She thought it was super creepy and weird
36:12and the date lasted 27 minutes.
36:16I don't know why, but there's something about his face
36:17that he just looks like he would get lost at sea.
36:21I can absolutely see that.
36:22The creepy thing is not bringing the chair,
36:24the creepy thing is the fact he started the date by going,
36:27date's starting.
36:30OK, that was 27 minutes.
36:33What do you think, arsehole?
36:34I think where he went wrong is not getting two chairs.
36:37You can't just bring one for yourself and go,
36:39oh, do you not bring one?
36:40All right.
36:41Yeah, you're right.
36:42OK, so arsehole, let's have a look.
36:43We've got another.
36:44Am I the arsehole that turns up the heat in the car
36:47to make people go to sleep?
36:49Years ago, driving my mother-in-law around,
36:51I realised that if I turned up the heat in the car,
36:53it would stop her talking, which was brilliant.
36:56Over the years, the whole family cottoned on to this
36:58and we soon developed a key word that we would use in the car,
37:01especially if we had some long-winded people in the car.
37:04And as soon as the key word was mentioned,
37:06the heating was turned out full blast and off they went to sleep.
37:09I actually do that with my mother-in-law
37:10and I use a hose from the exhaust.
37:13LAUGHTER
37:13She's out like a light.
37:17Never came round.
37:20Ah! Would you do that?
37:21That seems like...
37:22That's a smart man.
37:22That genuinely feels like a life hack.
37:24Yeah, so smart.
37:24You've got to have hacks, isn't it,
37:26to deal with the situation you've put yourself in?
37:28The mother-in-law.
37:30Yeah.
37:30Do you get on well with your mother-in-law?
37:32I do get on really well with my mother-in-law.
37:34If people are mean to me, she threatens to beat up their mums.
37:37Nice.
37:39You're not the arsehole.
37:40OK, what else we got?
37:41Am I the a-hole because I put my finger in a stranger's drink twice?
37:48I was at my local pub on a Saturday night.
37:51It was very busy and I was patiently waiting my turn
37:54when a bullshee woman barged in and cut in front of me
37:58and ordered her drinks.
37:59And when they arrived, I put my finger in my mouth
38:02and I stuck it in the drink she was served.
38:05And when she said, that's not my drink,
38:07I took my finger out and put it in the second drink she was being served.
38:11Which one of us is the a-hole?
38:14Well, there's worse things you could put your finger in.
38:19What do you think?
38:20I feel like that's how COVID started somehow.
38:24But, like, with eye contact, eh?
38:27Feels... I mean, it's super creepy.
38:29You know when someone's waiting for a confrontation so she can do that?
38:34Like, she wanted someone to barge in front of her
38:37so she could stick her finger in her drink.
38:38Like, she was waiting for the day.
38:39She couldn't believe her luck.
38:40Yeah, that's her best thing ever.
38:42Arsehole.
38:44All right, we've got one more of these.
38:46Let's have a look.
38:47Am I the arsehole for not offering my seat to a pregnant woman on the tube?
38:50So, let's rewind about a year ago.
38:52I was on the tube, sat down in a seat because I don't need it.
38:55I've got a hidden condition.
38:56And this woman gets on, heavily pregnant.
38:58And instead of asking for a seat, she puts her face in my face like this
39:01and demands it from me.
39:03We have a bit of an argument back and forth.
39:04I'm trying to explain myself.
39:05She's telling me I'm too young to have a condition.
39:07Like, what does that even mean?
39:09And eventually someone gives up a seat.
39:10But she spends the rest of the journey bitching about me with somebody else.
39:14Now, 38-week pregnant myself, if you can see.
39:17And I still think she was being really entitled and I'm not the arsehole.
39:20I don't think she's the arsehole.
39:21If I see a pregnant woman, I stay in my seat and I count all of my disposable income.
39:28What do you think?
39:29Is she an arsehole, Grace?
39:30Not an arsehole at all.
39:32It's not her fault that she shags someone and she's pregnant.
39:35Do you know what I mean?
39:35But that, the hidden condition thing is where, that's interesting.
39:40Because, like, some people do have a hidden condition.
39:42I'm just wondering what the worst thing to say would be.
39:45Like, the next time a pregnant woman asks me for my seat, I'm like,
39:47I've actually got a hidden condition.
39:48I'm a paedophile.
39:51Like, because I think the reaction, they'd go,
39:54Oh, OK.
39:57And then point to the bumper and go, see you soon.
40:01Ah! Ah!
40:02OK, time for a final look through my entry.
40:06Am I the arsehole for breaking up with a girl who shared cryptic posts on social media?
40:11And he gives examples.
40:13In hospital again, but don't worry about me.
40:15So sick of liars and cheats.
40:17Got the results.
40:18Don't want to talk about it.
40:18Yeah, I hate when people just say things on social media that doesn't really relate anything.
40:25Like, my grandma's on Facebook now, and she'll post up a photo of, like, Tupac,
40:29and it will say, sometimes your best friend's a snake.
40:32And it's like, Grandma, you're 86.
40:33What fucking snakes do you...
40:34What's Ethel done?
40:35It's like people that check in to hospital on Facebook.
40:40You know in the...
40:41You've just got to read the comments and you're going to find out why they're there.
40:43It's such good entertainment.
40:45That's a good point.
40:46OK.
40:46Arsehole, but entertaining arsehole.
40:47OK.
40:48Am I the arsehole for sending a 404 error auto-replied to my boss
40:52when he messaged me after work hours?
40:55You're not an arsehole.
40:56You're a genius.
40:59Am I the arsehole for putting away dishes at 1am
41:01even though my flatmate has loud sex at 1am all the time?
41:06Are they Greek?
41:06Are they...
41:08Like, how much noise could you make putting away plates?
41:11Yeah.
41:11And plus, 1am's too late to be fucking.
41:13How is he fucking at 1?
41:14My dick shuts at 11 o'clock.
41:16Right, that is...
41:18It's good to know.
41:19Yeah.
41:20OK.
41:21Am I the arsehole for letting my son get a pet snake
41:24even though my stepdaughter is deathly afraid of them?
41:28I think lots of stepdaughters end up scared of snakes
41:30and it is invariably the stepdad's fault.
41:35Right, time to choose tonight's biggest arsehole.
41:38A little reminder for you.
41:39Is it Daisy, who's not allowed a sippy cup,
41:42or Jordan, who's a self-confessed sausage gobbler?
41:46Jamala, first, what do you think?
41:48I think Daisy is...
41:50has arsehole potential.
41:52But I think Jordan's for me, man.
41:54Like, it was the looking at someone in their eyes
41:56whilst eating the sausage.
41:58I think that's the biggest arsehole for me.
42:00I think I get why Jordan did it,
42:02but I'm just thinking she probably had a long shift.
42:05All she wanted was a sausage.
42:06And he took 13.
42:08So I think it's Jordan.
42:09OK, I'm going to have to agree.
42:12I think Jordan is the biggest arsehole.
42:14Jordan, come on out here.
42:21You all right, Jordan?
42:24You all right?
42:25Yeah, yeah.
42:26Congratulations, you are tonight's biggest arsehole.
42:29You've got to make amends, obviously,
42:30so we're going to get you to read a little pledge.
42:33Repeat after me.
42:33I apologise to the lady who worked at the buffet.
42:37I apologise to the lady who worked at the buffet.
42:40For eating all the sausages, just so she couldn't have any.
42:44For eating all the sausages, just so she couldn't have any.
42:47I pledge to make amends by being less petty.
42:50I pledge to make amends by being less petty.
42:53And by treating my next buffet like an orgy.
42:56Making sure there's enough sausages for everyone.
42:59I've got a little something for you.
43:12I think you know where you can stick that.
43:14That's it for tonight.
43:16Thank you to Jamali and Grace.
43:17Until next time, don't be the arsehole.
43:20Good night.
43:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:52M-TV
Be the first to comment