- 2 days ago
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Pregnant!
00:00Is there someone who can go along with you?
00:02My mum's just ran off with her and my dad's savings.
00:04My sister's on remand.
00:05I won't be judged by a woman who tried to have her fiancé murdered.
00:08Tried and failed.
00:09Oh my God!
00:11It's my coat, isn't it?
00:12Why can't you behave like a fully grown adult?
00:15Which lucky tosser did you pick as your birth partner in the end?
00:17Look at that!
00:18You know, I reckon I can get my head through that.
00:20You think you can fit your head through your daughter's cervix?
00:22Having a baby is like being love-bombed by your own DNA.
00:25You're not good enough for her!
00:28What the fuck is that?
00:29Dad, it's happening!
00:34There's a visitor for you, Gemma.
00:36Do we?
00:37Are you mum?
00:47I thought you'd never ask me out on a date.
00:49What gave you that impression?
00:51The many, many times you never asked me out.
00:55I was...
00:57just worried.
00:59Things might change after you had the baby.
01:03What baby?
01:11What the fuck?
01:13No.
01:14Oh God.
01:15You know, order a single drinks.
01:17Yeah.
01:18Yeah.
01:19Excuse me, mate.
01:20Yeah.
01:21Yeah.
01:22How are you doing?
01:27Sadie!
01:28What are you doing down there?
01:31It's okay.
01:32It's okay.
01:33It's okay.
01:36Dad?
01:37The baby's crying, love.
01:38Oh, is she?
01:52Thanks.
01:53She's very, very loud.
02:07Have you just got in?
02:08I've been out entertaining my wonderful butcher friend, the sausage man.
02:11Sausage man.
02:12So things are getting serious with the sausage man then?
02:14Sausage men are never serious, Gemma.
02:16They drift in and out of one's life like the wind.
02:19Yeah, that's famously what sausage men do.
02:22In all the romantic sausage poems.
02:24Are you hungry?
02:25Because he could knock you up a sandwich in no time.
02:27He's here.
02:29Yeah.
02:30Hiya, Gemma.
02:31Mum, we had a conversation about this.
02:33He turned up with a massive pack of chops, Gemma.
02:36They weren't going to say no.
02:37No.
02:38Get him to leave.
02:39Now.
02:40You need to keep your stress levels down while you're feeding.
02:43Don't want your milk to taste bitter.
02:48Come here, you.
02:50Oh, now that is a big bit of me.
02:55Thin walls work both ways.
03:03Malcolm.
03:06Malcolm.
03:11What is it?
03:12What is it saying?
03:13What's the matter?
03:14How the fuck should I know?
03:15Malcolm, I told you not to sleep up here between the hours of 7am and 11pm.
03:19Yeah, I'm sorry.
03:20I just couldn't get to sleep last night.
03:21There was a big complicated fight over some crab paste.
03:24I didn't want to get involved yet.
03:25Malcolm.
03:26Sleeping men produce a terrible odour.
03:30Ow!
03:31And you know I'm trying to run a top class, professional establishment here.
03:36Luric.
03:38The door's broken again.
03:40Oh, for fuck's sake.
03:42Lawrence.
03:43Don't you think I have enough fucking admin on my hands without having to worry about fixing every single fucking broken fucking door in this place?
03:52The front door.
03:53Oh, the front door.
03:54I'm sorry.
03:55Why didn't you say?
03:56Jesus Christ!
03:59What?!
04:00I, me and the others, we don't think it's fair that Malcolm stays for free and we all pay rent.
04:11Oh my...
04:14Go away, you pathetic piece of shit.
04:22He's right, mate.
04:23Oh, come on.
04:24You're gonna have to start chipping in.
04:25Otherwise, they're just gonna set fire to your sleeping bag and throw it down the bin chute.
04:29I've seen it before.
04:30I mean, it's been three months.
04:31I thought Davina would have left by now.
04:36Do you want me to put some MDF over the front door?
04:38Eh?
04:39Stop strange men getting in.
04:40Malcolm.
04:43We are the strange men.
04:51Oh my god, I am so tired.
04:55Why?
04:57Aren't you just supposed to sleep when she sleeps?
04:59Oh yeah.
05:00I'll just curl up in a ball here, shall I?
05:01Right, why don't mum help you with a baby?
05:03A baby has a name.
05:05Yeah.
05:07Brenda.
05:08For fuck's sake.
05:10Right, so...
05:12Don't take this the wrong way,
05:14but Gemma,
05:16you look like shit.
05:17Me?
05:18Yeah.
05:19Yeah, you've got grills.
05:20Yeah.
05:21How did you even get grills?
05:23I made it.
05:25Out of a Bakewell tart tray.
05:27I've got me own little accessory side hustle in here.
05:30It's like Etsy,
05:31but with knuckle dusters.
05:32It's good to have career goals.
05:37Hey!
05:38Fuck's sake, Gemma, you fuck up, Brenda.
05:44Oh, the wanderer finally returns.
05:48Oh, there we go.
05:49How's your downstairs doing?
05:51Yeah, my downstairs is fine, Rita.
05:53I had a C-section.
05:55Well, how's your upstairs doing?
05:58Oh, still tender.
06:00Oh, wait till you get to my age.
06:02Everything's tender.
06:03Upstairs, downstairs, front and back.
06:07Well, you need to be very careful, Gemma,
06:09cos one of my ladies who had a caesarean,
06:11well, baby couldn't have been more than a fortnight at all
06:13when she saw that picture of a cat
06:15who looks like Phil Foden
06:16and laughed so hard,
06:17the scar just tore open
06:19and her innards fell out, splat,
06:21right onto her thighs.
06:22She had to take herself off to her knee,
06:24carrying her bits in her Tesco bag.
06:28Thanks.
06:29But I think I'm past the innards
06:30in her shopping bag phase now.
06:33Oh!
06:35Oh, you're very tired.
06:36Yeah.
06:37I've not had more than two hours
06:38continuous sleep since Sadie was born.
06:40I thought your mum had moved in.
06:42Yeah, she has.
06:43She was great at first,
06:44although that might have been the painkillers.
06:46Now, three months later,
06:47I'm not so into it.
06:48And, er,
06:49what's Malcolm been up to?
06:51He's too scared to come over while Mum's there,
06:53so I've not seen much of him.
06:55Rita, what's this?
06:57Well, speaking of your father,
06:58these are my new erotic mugs, Gemma.
07:00This is a sexy man's chest
07:02with a willy for a handle.
07:04These make no sense anatomically.
07:05Why has he got a giant-sized penis
07:06coming out of his ribcage?
07:08I'm trying to become one of those places
07:10hem parties go to,
07:11you know, nails, brows, cocks.
07:14Rita, you don't know the first thing about nails
07:16or brows.
07:17I do know about cocks, though.
07:21That was the implication.
07:23I bet you've been around a few cocks,
07:25haven't you, Winnie?
07:26Oh, it brings back memories, this, Rita.
07:28Winnie, you mucky bitch.
07:32Erm, would you judge a man for wearing pink deodorant?
07:35Probably.
07:36Oh, shit.
07:41Dad?
07:42Are you hiding?
07:44Is your mother with you?
07:45No.
07:46Well, then I'm not hiding, am I?
07:49Oh, God.
07:50Oh, God, she's grown up so much, hasn't she?
07:53Look at her, she's massive.
07:55Grandad's little beefcake, aren't you?
07:57Oh, she misses you.
07:58Oh, I miss her as well.
08:01Jesus, you're all right, love.
08:02You look knackered.
08:04You getting enough sleep?
08:05Yeah, just a rough night.
08:07All right.
08:09How's the sad man bed sit?
08:10Hey, yeah, great.
08:11Yeah, I love it there.
08:12Mm-hmm.
08:13Back in your old room?
08:14Yeah, well, almost, you know.
08:15Definitely within space and distance, I know.
08:19How are things with your mum?
08:21Great she's there, huh?
08:23Yeah.
08:26Would you judge a man for wearing pink deodorant?
08:28I don't think it's pink when you put it on.
08:30I don't know.
08:31I don't know.
08:33No, no, no.
08:35No.
08:37Grab me one of those, actually.
08:43Christ, Jemmy, Mum's still being a nightmare.
08:46Tell you what, I'm coming over.
08:47You jump in the shower, I'll get Sadie off to sleep.
08:51Oh, I'm not being funny, babe.
08:53I'm not going through your laundry and your dirty knickers.
08:55Mm-hmm.
08:56Spare sheets?
08:57Mum's room, but I'm not allowed in there.
08:59She said very firmly I was not to go in there.
09:01We are definitely going in there.
09:03Okay.
09:10What do you think she's hiding?
09:11God knows.
09:12But if you see a man holding sausages, promise me you won't scream.
09:16What the fuck?
09:19Oh, my God.
09:22What a bougie bitch.
09:24She's punishing me, isn't she?
09:26For being a dick when I was a newborn.
09:27Well, she's waited 25 years and this is her revenge.
09:31PHONE RINGS
09:32No!
09:33I'll get it and whoever it is, I'll tell him to fuck off.
09:35You just lie down and get some rest, yeah?
09:41So...
09:45No!
09:46Oh, no!
09:49I didn't want to keep messaging, so I finally just came over.
09:52I've got presents.
09:53For you and for Sadie.
09:55For Sadie.
09:58Zand, mate.
09:59Sadie's having a nap.
10:01I wasn't expecting her to give me a catwalk or anything.
10:04Oh.
10:06Oh.
10:07You want me to leave?
10:09Well, it's the only time that I can actually get some sleep.
10:12I mean, look at the state of her.
10:13Fuck off.
10:14Well, erm...
10:15Thank you. Another time?
10:18Another time?
10:20Sure.
10:21Soz.
10:22How are we gonna get rid of your ex?
10:35Well, we have to.
10:36I mean, you know, I think Gemma likes having her mum around, so...
10:39Aww, I don't give a fuck.
10:41I need you off that landing before there's a mutiny, Malcolm.
10:46We could...
10:48No, you'd never go for it.
10:50What?
10:52We could inform MI6 that Davina's been grooming kids into joining Alkalita.
10:57No.
11:01No.
11:02I didn't think you'd go for it.
11:03Ugh.
11:04I did come up with some other ideas while I was on the bog.
11:06You know, if it did move back in with Gemma, it'd be best if it didn't seem to be my idea, you know?
11:11Spoken like a true soy boy.
11:16Nice job.
11:18Wait, how do we get in now?
11:20It's like a cath-flat.
11:22A bop for fellas.
11:24That is...
11:26...absolutely...
11:27...fucking genius!
11:31Shall I go?
11:32After you.
11:33OK.
11:34The maiden voyage?
11:35Yeah.
11:36Meow!
11:39You know what doesn't need sterilising?
11:42Tits.
11:43Tits.
11:44Yeah.
11:45Well, she gets plenty of breast milk.
11:46I just use formula sometimes cos it helps me out.
11:49Oh.
11:50It's all about her, ain't it?
11:52Selfish mummy.
11:53Baby wants nip-nip.
11:55I absolutely destroyed my breasts for you and Catherine.
11:58It's only right and fair you do the same.
12:00God, Mum, you must be desperate to get back out there.
12:03See the world.
12:05More of it.
12:06New bits of it.
12:08I'm not going anywhere, Gemma.
12:09You need me.
12:11Oh.
12:12Oh, God, that is a smelly one.
12:13OK, well, can you change her cos I've got to finish this?
12:15Sorry, love, I can't.
12:18I'm off for a bikini wax.
12:19Full Hollywood.
12:20Do you know, I never used to bother,
12:21but it's expected these days.
12:23I had a dalliance with a 28-year-old
12:25and he shrieked when he saw my thatch.
12:27Oh, my God.
12:28Used to be different, of course.
12:29When I had Catherine,
12:30the midwives told me to keep it as full as possible.
12:33You know, to clean her on the way out,
12:34like those big brushes at the car wash.
12:38Is that what they told you?
12:39Do you know, never once got brought up.
12:42And I won't be home for dinner.
12:44But it's your turn to cook.
12:45I have got you some slim fast
12:47so you can make a start on shifting that baby weight.
12:50My cousin was eight stone one month after giving birth.
12:54Because she was in a coma.
12:56I know.
12:57Intensive care did wonders for her waistline.
12:59I was quite jealous.
13:00Love ya.
13:02Love ya.
13:05Oh, baby.
13:08Should we kill Nana?
13:11Yeah.
13:12Yeah.
13:16Should we kill Nana?
13:20Or should we kill Mummy instead?
13:23What if Gemma doesn't want me to move back in with her?
13:26Dad?
13:27Gemma?
13:28I can't take living with Mum anymore.
13:29How do I get in?
13:31Use the flap!
13:32Use the flap!
13:33Don't be ridiculous.
13:35Alright, come round the back,
13:36but don't tell anyone there's a door there!
13:41It's my door.
13:45Go round the back.
13:47Round the back.
13:51Whoa!
13:53Is this where you've been staying?
13:54Eh, you know, I've got an airbed on the landing.
13:57My personal private space is very important to me.
14:00Especially at night.
14:02Mm-hmm.
14:03Why's that?
14:04He plays Minecraft.
14:05Shut the fuck up.
14:07So, what is on the list of ways to get rid of Davina?
14:12Well, er, she's allergic to tomatoes.
14:15Okay, good.
14:16So, we make her something.
14:19With tomatoes.
14:21Erm, a soup, perhaps.
14:22Then she ends up unconscious.
14:24So, we gaslight her into thinking that she never even lived at Gemma's
14:28and it was a dream all along.
14:29Er, yeah, but it's only a mild allergy.
14:31It just makes her tongue itch.
14:32Oh, for fuck's sake.
14:34She's also allergic to horses.
14:35Oh, yeah.
14:36Excellent. Okay, I can work with that.
14:37Do you mean eating or hanging out with?
14:40Hanging out with.
14:41Great.
14:42So, here's what we do.
14:44We, erm, fill the flat.
14:47With horses.
14:49Three horses.
14:50Four horses?
14:52No, okay, different tack.
14:54Er, what is she afraid of?
14:57Love.
14:58Emotional intimacy.
15:00Yeah.
15:01Brian.
15:02Yes, Degsy, mate.
15:04Yeah, yeah, I know.
15:05I think I've got an idea.
15:09Oh, come on then, what are you thinking?
15:11Okay.
15:12So.
15:14The only thing in the world that my mother is afraid of
15:18is getting back together with Dad.
15:21Yeah.
15:22Which is why he's gonna propose to her.
15:24Propose what?
15:25Propose marriage.
15:27No way.
15:29How much sleep did you get last night?
15:30All in one go.
15:3137 minutes.
15:32And I feel pretty fucking amazing, actually.
15:34This is a good idea.
15:35Okay?
15:36This is a good idea.
15:37I mean, has anyone got a better idea?
15:38No, no, no.
15:39It's a great idea, look.
15:40It's a great idea.
15:42It's a shit idea.
15:43It's the only idea we've got, so let's go with it.
15:45Thank you, Derek.
15:46God, I knew you'd have faith in me.
15:47Alright, don't overdo it.
15:48Has she seen her GP recently?
15:50Can't do it.
15:52I need you off my landing, Malcolm.
15:53And I need her out.
15:54Come on.
15:55Come on.
15:56Come on.
15:57Come on.
16:03I don't want to do this.
16:06What about those horses?
16:07Are they still available?
16:08Sure, you can bail, Malcolm.
16:09But the guys did mention suffocating you in your sleep again,
16:12so it's up to you, I guess.
16:14Dad, she needs to go, remember?
16:17I'll, er...
16:19I'll give it a go.
16:20Okay.
16:21Okay.
16:23I'll be listening.
16:27This is gonna be a disaster, you know that.
16:30Never mess in it, Gemma, isn't it?
16:31Don't you fucking dare.
16:32Malcolm.
16:33Give it in.
16:34You look, um...
16:35Nanny.
16:36Come on, Dad.
16:37Why are you here?
16:38Why, er...
16:39Would you like a glass of water?
16:40No.
16:41Yes, me too.
16:42Yes, me too.
16:43Um, right.
16:45Having you back in our lives.
16:47The last thing you've ever met,
16:48I think it's going to do...
16:49You mean...
16:51You look, erm...
16:53Nanny.
16:55Come on, Dad.
16:57Why are you here?
16:59Why, er...
17:01Was you like a glass of water? No!
17:03Yes, me too.
17:09Er... Right.
17:11Haven't you back in our lives
17:13the last three months? Gemma's life.
17:15Barely seen you.
17:17Been hiding at Castle Uza.
17:19It's, er...
17:21Well, it's made me realise...
17:23God's sake, spit it out,
17:25Malcolm.
17:27The whole day
17:29you left. Home.
17:31Mm-hmm.
17:33And I'd like us
17:35to, erm...
17:37rekindle
17:39our relationship.
17:41You are?
17:43Oh. I thought you were gonna
17:45ask me for the money back from the house sale.
17:47Oh, well, can I have that money back?
17:49No.
17:51Oh.
17:53Well, er...
17:55Erm...
17:56I, er...
17:57Whatever I said...
17:59Whatever I did, you know...
18:03I didn't mean it.
18:05It's Barlow.
18:07He's gone Barlow.
18:09Just wanting you back for good.
18:11I...
18:13Gemma!
18:15Shit.
18:17What's going on?
18:19Dad wants you back!
18:21Does he?
18:23Yeah!
18:24Definitely back for good, yeah.
18:25Do ya?
18:27Right, well, I don't want him back.
18:29Mum, it's so cute.
18:30He says he's madly in love with you
18:31and that he will not leave this house
18:33until you agree to remarry him.
18:37Did ya?
18:38Oh, matey, don't I?
18:39Such a fucking sorry boy.
18:41I am swept away by the romance, Malcolm.
18:44Oh, go on, you lot, clear out.
18:46Got Sausage Mum coming round in a bit.
18:48We did our best, didn't we?
18:49I hope we did our best, didn't we?
18:50Did you say Sausage Man?
18:53Okay.
18:54Mum, how about this?
18:57Will you please get the fuck out of my home?
19:01Fucking hell.
19:02Yeah.
19:03I mean, I love you,
19:04but if you don't go,
19:05I'm gonna chuck myself out that window.
19:07Aren't we on the ground floor?
19:08Shut up.
19:09It's the Sausage Men.
19:10The late nights.
19:11The Slim Fast.
19:12The eating my biscuits.
19:13Oh, I know you do,
19:14cos I've seen you take them.
19:15Okay?
19:16You're driving me insane.
19:18Either you go,
19:19or me and Sadie will,
19:20and it's my name on the lease.
19:21That'll be really fucking annoying.
19:31This isn't working out for me, Gemma.
19:34I'm sorry, but I think it's time for me to leave.
19:37What the fuck?
19:39I literally just said that I can't stay here forever,
19:42much as you'd like me to.
19:44The world is calling me back to it.
19:48You understand, don't you, love?
19:52Yeah.
19:55I don't understand.
19:56Give me that, mate.
20:00The first few weeks of having Sadie,
20:02I couldn't have coped without you.
20:05Tell Malcolm he can keep the candles.
20:07I do have one tiny bit of advice.
20:12This first year's a very precious time, Gemma.
20:18Work out what it is what you want,
20:20and start reaching for it before you go back to work.
20:24Cos once the grind starts, work, baby, life,
20:28he'll be trapped.
20:33Right.
20:34Your taxi's here.
20:35And before you know it,
20:36he'll have spent 20 years living with your father.
20:39It's the mistake I made.
20:41And I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
20:44OK.
20:45Thanks.
20:46Good luck, love.
20:50Good luck, love.
20:51Well, there you go.
20:54Fresh sheets, eh?
20:57And I've just put a clothes wash on.
20:58Yeah, there you go.
21:11Fresh sheets, eh?
21:13I've just put a clothes wash on.
21:16I was thinking,
21:18you know, the next couple of nights,
21:20I can do her feeds for you,
21:22and you get some sleep.
21:25I'm so glad to be back, love.
21:28I've missed you so much.
21:29Miss both of you.
21:31We've missed you.
21:34And I want you to know
21:35that I will never, ever leave you again.
21:41Not until that one goes to university, anyway.
21:47You rest now, eh?
21:55Oh, hey, there's a pub tie in here.
22:02I'm on maternity leave.
22:03I'm not asking you to pick it up with your fanny, please.
22:06He's a creep who charges 15 quid to sing at babies.
22:09And takes his top off.
22:11There's a dog in here.
22:12There's a massive dog in here.
22:14Hog, elbow, punch!
22:15My boobs are about to explode.
22:17Are they fake?
22:17No, you bellend.
22:18They're full of milk.
22:19Dad's booked us a holiday, though.
22:21Bet it's the caravan park.
22:22It won't be the caravan park.
22:24The holiday's a disaster.
22:26Shut up, shut up, shut up!
22:28Thought maybe you'd want space.
22:30What I actually wanted
22:31was some very large sanitary pads.
22:33We're totally fucking lost,
22:34and Malcolm is missing a boot!
22:36Yeah, well, I had to throw something
22:37to distract that ball, didn't I?
22:39I want to provide a better life for my baby.
22:41It's fucking, it's eggs down my throat!
22:43Woo!
22:44I have been dabbling
22:45with better paid other employment.
22:47Why do you even want this job?
22:48Because I love marketing.
22:50Nobody loves marketing.
22:51Congratulations, Gemma.
22:52You've just joined the rat race.
22:58A juicy scandal
22:59hits the home counties.
23:01Soapy fodder for the weekend.
23:03Watch Wild Cherry on iPlayer
23:04as the celebs budget
23:06and banter their way
23:07across Central America
23:08on BBC Three
23:09Race Across the World
23:10starting right now.
23:11music finding the
23:22Pimpers believe it Scott
23:24ides
23:25in Stacy
23:25from the
23:26page
23:28on YouTube
23:29and
23:29in
23:29the
23:30right now.
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