- 7 hours ago
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🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Transcription by CastingWords
00:30CastingWords
01:00CastingWords
01:29CastingWords
01:59Lynne's got no idea what's in store for her.
02:24Fiverr, she says her feet hurt.
02:26And she keeps asking to use the toilet.
02:27And the water is too cold.
02:29Won't like the attention, either.
02:32The locals are doing a really good job on Fiverr's memorial, thanks to Lynne.
02:36They finally got their confidence back after the Strawman Harvest Festival incident.
02:39Can't blame us for that, Joy. It were an abomination.
02:42You said it looked like Michael Fabricant fell out of an airplane into a hay bale.
02:47And you set fire to it.
02:51Fiverr's memorial. Just what the world needs.
02:54Another monument to a problematic man.
02:56She'll be making a Fred West water fountain next.
02:59You should tell Lynne the truth about Fiverr.
03:01Let her know that a memorial to him is difficult.
03:04Now, to explain, you're a bastard.
03:06Oh, we're allowed to swear tonight, are we?
03:08Thank fuck for that.
03:09Festival Eve, town mouse.
03:10Say what we want.
03:11Nice dress.
03:12Yes.
03:13What, this old thing?
03:14Yeah.
03:14Fiverr in a charity shop.
03:16Not my sort of thing at all.
03:17I was just going to try it on, see what it looked like.
03:19Then Tony said I was too old for it, which really annoyed me, and so I bought it.
03:24I thought, well, Tony, you are too old for women's jeggings.
03:28Yeah.
03:28My God, men telling women what to wear, it is so annoying.
03:34My ex would only have sex with me if I was in waiters.
03:37My ex wouldn't have his picture taken next to me if I was in heels.
03:40Ever.
03:41Not even on our wedding day.
03:42Yeah, so we were set down in all of them.
03:44My dad said that we looked disabled.
03:45You look like a high-end Russian prostitute.
03:55Thanks, Carm.
03:58So you got it for Tony, then?
04:00No, of course not.
04:01No, I'm just saying that what he said annoyed me.
04:04Who did you get it for, then?
04:05Must be a man involved.
04:06No.
04:08Pigman.
04:09Jealous, Carm.
04:10Oh, my God.
04:10Why does everyone think I'm bonking Pigman?
04:13It's so childish.
04:14First, my sister.
04:16And now you lot.
04:17Oh, yeah.
04:17Everyone loved meeting your charming, polite sister.
04:20Especially the verdure.
04:22Who she calls some fucking tree cheese gnome.
04:26The whole town knows you've been hanging round down Pigman's cave.
04:29Yes.
04:29For his friendship.
04:31And his frothy milk.
04:32Well, as long as you're happy being third, Linda.
04:34After his porkers.
04:36And Carm.
04:39Pigman and Carmell.
04:41Nice.
04:43Well, not consummated.
04:44Unless you count him giving her his first prize veggies every year.
04:47That's enough, Agnes.
04:49Pigman's sweep titers and what he does with them is up to him.
04:51So, it was for Tony, then.
04:59Oh, my God.
05:00I didn't buy it for a man, okay?
05:02I got it for myself.
05:04All right.
05:04Also, if I was a lesbian, which I'm not, you wouldn't keep asking me what woman I bought it for, would you?
05:12Yeah, I would.
05:13No, you would.
05:14I would do.
05:15No, you absolutely wouldn't.
05:16Yeah.
05:16No, you wouldn't.
05:17Would.
05:18You wouldn't.
05:18Would.
05:19You wouldn't.
05:19Would.
05:20No.
05:20We would.
05:24Don't know how you can stand it.
05:25I really, really don't.
05:27Everyone knowing your business all the time.
05:31Hold the front page.
05:33Woman who normally wears jeans and a t-shirt wears a dress.
05:38Crisp packet blows out of a bin and lands on a dog's back.
05:44Which dog?
05:45What flavour crisps?
05:46Did it stay on the dog's back or immediately blow off again?
05:48Forget about the dog.
05:50It didn't happen.
05:51I made it up.
05:55We didn't mean to make you feel self-conscious, town mouse.
05:58You look great.
06:00Own it.
06:01Thanks.
06:03I'll take that.
06:04I think you're all really beautiful, by the way.
06:10Not just tonight, because you've dressed up.
06:12We know we're beautiful, town mouse.
06:14Inside and out.
06:15Don't need no one telling us that.
06:17What?
06:18Nothing.
06:22Weird.
06:23Hey, thanks for inviting me, by the way, to your special night.
06:27Don't normally enjoy parties.
06:28Help me with this, Linder.
06:49Oh, God.
06:51I'm rubbish at fiddly things like this.
06:53And I hate pins.
06:55It doesn't have to be perfect, Linder.
06:56It's the love what goes into something what makes it special.
06:59That's where the magic comes from.
07:01Everything at the Eel Festival has been made with love by someone.
07:04Oh.
07:05Mutton dressed as lamb.
07:07What, me?
07:08No.
07:08What people called older women what dress young.
07:10Hmm.
07:11Haven't had that in years.
07:13Just pick something.
07:14First thing that catches your eye.
07:16Right.
07:16Well, I used to pick this with my mum.
07:18Perfect.
07:19Yeah?
07:19OK.
07:20I heard it shouted at my mum once.
07:23On her birthday.
07:24My mum only ever wore make-up on special occasions.
07:27Little bit of lippy.
07:29Bit of blusher.
07:30I used to love watching her putting it on.
07:32Mm-hmm.
07:34I will never forget the look on her face for as long as I live.
07:38Just four words.
07:42She was utterly crushed.
07:45Of course, she had to front it out because I was there.
07:48Oh.
07:49Just a bit of banter, eh?
07:52Just a bit of banter.
07:55They will never know the trail of devastation that they left.
07:58Just a few seconds out of their lives.
08:00She never got dressed up on a birthday again.
08:05Mutton dressed as lamb.
08:07Another derogatory term just for women.
08:09Like gold digger, prick tees, slut, ball breaker, battle axe, harpy.
08:20Is there an equivalent term for an older man who dresses young?
08:24A cunt.
08:25Oh, er...
08:26That's the one.
08:28Now get pinned.
08:29Just pin it on wherever you like.
08:34Not there!
08:34Oh, my God!
08:37It's not funny.
08:41Well, you're a natural town mouse.
08:43Just go with your instinct.
08:44You don't want too much of the same thing in the one place, though.
08:47Or the same colour.
08:48Or size.
08:50Oh, right.
08:50So it's not easy, then.
08:51I do have to think about it.
08:56Oh, I saw a really good film at the palace earlier.
08:58Which one?
08:59OK, don't rush me.
09:01FBI thing.
09:02Ahem.
09:04A bloke with the smirky faces in it.
09:06You know, big eyebrow.
09:08He was in that shit baby film as well.
09:10And the musical with the Australian woman.
09:15Big Quiff.
09:16Him, not her.
09:17Mark Commode.
09:19Who's that?
09:20Uncle Isaiah had a commode.
09:22Was he in the O.J. Simpson film?
09:24I haven't seen it.
09:24Made of Oak.
09:25He died on it.
09:26He was also in that film with that woman who was in the other film by the same director.
09:33And in the other film, she wore a yellow jumpsuit.
09:36Annika Rice.
09:38His bum slipped right down and they couldn't get him out.
09:41Imagine that, trying to hoik a dead man out of a toilet.
09:44Apparently, he still managed to look dignified.
09:46What was it?
09:47John Travolta.
09:48John Travolta!
09:50Films called Face Off.
09:51Well done, Carm.
09:53Oh.
09:57I couldn't remember what a toe was called the other day.
10:00I called it a foot finger.
10:02You know the word for plunger escaped me?
10:04I told my plumber that I used a shit sucker.
10:06Shit sucker.
10:07Shit sucker.
10:07Shit sucker.
10:08Oh, that was a nice idea of yours, Linda.
10:17Getting the men to bake the eel pie at the tree for the verderer.
10:20Just didn't seem fair him missing out.
10:22You'd have been a good man.
10:24Never thought about it.
10:27I...
10:27It's just that I...
10:29I haven't...
10:31Why do women always have to explain why they haven't had kids?
10:35We're just chatting, Linazole.
10:37It's fine if you'd rather not talk about it.
10:40One in three pregnancies ends in miscarriage.
10:43Nothing to be ashamed of, Linda.
10:45I got two buried out in the woods.
10:47Planted trees on top of them.
10:49So they live on.
10:50Yeah.
10:53I never got that far.
10:55Endometriosis.
10:57Joy's the only one who got one in the back of the net.
11:00Oh.
11:02I'm really sorry.
11:03That's really tough.
11:04It's just that, you know, being a mother or not being a mother is not how I define myself.
11:11Never said it was.
11:14Well, well, then...
11:16Well, then, you know, I just didn't meet the right person, then.
11:18Well, there you are, then.
11:19The men got over the realm reversal this year, then, come on.
11:30Thinking they're loving jumping over the fire.
11:32Is that what they're doing?
11:36Tradition goes, the lady of the flowers, which this year is the man of the flowers,
11:40throws midsummer flowers and herbs on the fire, then jumps over it.
11:43Oh.
11:44Scares the dragons away, stops them from poisoning our springs and wells.
11:47Well, good job, then.
11:53Another dick pic, Lynn.
11:55Yeah.
11:56Won't be a sec.
11:57Careful what you reply, Linda.
11:59Once your vulva's up in the cloud, God knows where it'll end up.
12:03I'm a Catholic.
12:04Even I haven't seen my vulva yet.
12:06I'm not about to put it on a cloud.
12:08Look, Siobhan, it is a boring lie.
12:35It would be much more exciting if I'd killed someone or if I was a paedophile.
12:38But I haven't, and I'm not.
12:39I've just got a husband and kids at home.
12:42You know, a bit of support wouldn't go amiss, actually.
12:45A bit of compassion.
12:46Like I showed you when Father William told Dad that you confessed to him to liking it when dogs sniffed your private parts.
12:52And I'm sorry.
12:53I don't want to have to bring that up again.
12:56But you've made me.
12:57I'll tell them tonight.
13:02Okay, bye.
13:12It would have been much easier if Father had left a plan for the festival.
13:15He didn't believe in writing nothing down.
13:17A convenient belief system for Father.
13:20Being illiterate and all.
13:21Tradition one, he'd tell his son everything.
13:23But he never had one.
13:25Not a legitimate one in any case.
13:26Tried passing you off as one, didn't he, Karen?
13:29Till you leaked on a pew.
13:31Thanks for waiting for me.
13:38About Father's memorial.
13:41It don't sit right with us.
13:43He was a bad in Linder.
13:44Oh, no.
13:46Sorry.
13:48He wasn't a...
13:49Jimmy Savile.
13:50No.
13:51But he were a bastard.
13:54Then left everything to rhyme.
13:55His illegitimate and only son when he turned 18.
13:58But Ryan doesn't identify as male.
14:01And Father was never a father to them.
14:02So they don't want anything to do with it.
14:06Ryan will be master of ceremonies tomorrow.
14:09Eels don't have a gender neither.
14:11So...
14:11Alf is nice.
14:13We meet Ryan for the first time tomorrow.
14:15As our sibling.
14:17Nervous.
14:17Ain't we, Karen?
14:18We are.
14:24Well, then...
14:25We'll have a minute's silence and I'll deal with the rest, okay?
14:30Do people know that Father was a badder?
14:38No.
14:39The community loved him.
14:41It would absolutely break them to find out.
14:46Anyway, he's dead now, so...
14:48It's time to move on.
14:50It's time for change.
14:50Hmm.
14:57Who wears these?
14:59The ten best behaved children.
15:02Oh.
15:03What about all the kids that aren't chosen?
15:05Never did the verdure no harm.
15:06Not being chosen.
15:07Ten years on the track.
15:11Done right by them birds living up that tree.
15:14Is it proper local hero?
15:15Can't have been easy in being scared of heights.
15:17And the dark.
15:18And shitting in bags.
15:20He's waited a long time to be an eel child.
15:23But he's earned his place alongside them kids.
15:25Pigman can keep watch over the tree while the verdure is at the festival.
15:28They might have rumbled us on them bones,
15:30but they've still got a way to go before they can start felling.
15:33That won't stop them.
15:34If that tree's left unmanned.
15:38Listen!
15:39The other one will reply in a minute.
15:40Yeah, we know, Linda.
15:41We live in a wood.
15:44Oh!
15:45I love it so much.
15:48I never knew it was two owls talking.
15:53More action than I've seen in a while.
15:54Now we're talking.
15:56When was the last time you had sex then, Linda?
15:58Oh!
15:59I don't remember.
16:01What about you lot?
16:02Oh, lunchtime.
16:03This morning.
16:04Ménage à trois.
16:05With me, myself and I.
16:0714th of February.
16:08Oh, blimey, that's precise.
16:09Must have been good.
16:11Yes, it was.
16:12Must have travelled for that then, Joy.
16:14No, I didn't even need to leave work.
16:15No!
16:22What?
16:22It can't be!
16:23No!
16:25No!
16:27What a woo-hoo!
16:28I won't believe it!
16:29Tell me!
16:33No!
16:33The murderer!
16:37It's so wrong, it's right, Joy.
16:44His fans better not find out.
16:47Joy's fans better not find out.
16:48What's that?
16:57Men's night singing.
16:58It's normally the women folk.
17:00Oh, my God, it's lovely.
17:08Come and try this arm for me, Linda.
17:10Oh, what, me?
17:11Are you sure that's OK?
17:13I need a pinnet for height.
17:15Is that Feather's?
17:16Yeah.
17:17It's so beautiful.
17:22Don't have to try his horrible codpiece on as well, do I?
17:24We got other plans for Feather's codpiece.
17:30Look, the moon's out.
17:33Amazing, isn't it?
17:35Hold still, Linda.
17:37There's one more pin.
17:38Do you ever think?
17:39I wonder how many more full moons I'll see.
17:42Nope.
17:42All done.
17:45Yeah.
17:46Well, OK.
17:56Oh, yes!
17:58Here we go, sweetie.
18:00Come on, Joy.
18:04Hello, ladies.
18:07Thank you, girls.
18:08This was a film with me naked.
18:34What are you doing?
19:02You're lucky I wasn't naked.
19:04Get out!
19:05Best you come quiet, Linda.
19:06I'm not coming anywhere.
19:08You can't just come in here and rip the covers off me.
19:11I've got tenants' rights.
19:13Don't make me bash your head in and put you in a bucket.
19:15I'm not an eel.
19:17Come on, Linda.
19:18I need a green.
19:19Get off.
19:20We should do this again sometime.
19:22They're in wet bed.
19:23Let go, Linda.
19:24Not my armpits.
19:25Let's go.
19:25Just drag the bitch.
19:30Get off me.
19:31What are you doing?
19:33Oh, this is ridiculous.
19:35Sprouts have gone up my bum.
19:37Stop.
19:38I've got a hernia.
19:40There's no need for this.
19:42Let go, Linda.
19:45I'm too old for this shit.
19:46Tell me where we're going.
19:48I might just...
19:49Oh, Sally, my dear, it's you I'd be kissing.
20:06Oh, Sally, my dear, it's you I'd be kissing.
20:11She smiled and replied, you don't know what you're missing.
20:18Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm
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