Hasan Minhaj Homecoming King (2017) Watch HD

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"Hasan Minhaj Homecoming King" (2017) is a witty and engaging stand-up comedy special in which Hasan Minhaj shares personal stories, cultural observations, and memorable life experiences with warmth and humor. The performance blends clever storytelling, sharp insights, and relatable moments that connect with audiences from all backgrounds. Through his unique perspective, Minhaj explores family, identity, and personal growth with a thoughtful and lighthearted approach. Viewers who enjoy intelligent comedy, heartfelt narratives, and entertaining performances will find this special both funny and inspiring.  hasan minhaj homecoming king 2017, hasan minhaj homecoming king movie, hasan minhaj homecoming king film, hasan minhaj homecoming king full special, hasan minhaj homecoming king hd, stand up comedy special, personal storytelling comedy, witty humor performance, cultural observations film, family and identity comedy, heartfelt narrative special, intelligent comedy show, memorable life experiences, relatable storytelling, entertaining stand up movie, 2017 comedy special, thoughtful comedy performance, inspiring humor film, engaging stand up special, humorous life stories

Transcript

00:00:30What's up?

00:00:33Davis, what's up?

00:00:36I'm home.

00:00:37I had to bring it back here.

00:00:41Netflix was like, where do you want to do the special?

00:00:43LA, Chicago, New York?

00:00:45I was like, nah, son, Davis, California.

00:00:51This is, um, this has been a very good year for me.

00:00:55I recently got married.

00:00:56I got married, you guys.

00:01:00I need a class.

00:01:01It's a very heavy ring.

00:01:03It's very heavy.

00:01:04It was like a reverse Lord of the Rings situation where I got a ring and then I lost half of

00:01:08my powers, which is a very different Lord of the Rings.

00:01:11We're like, what?

00:01:12Listening compromise?

00:01:13You take the ring, Sam.

00:01:13Like, the movie's done in eight minutes.

00:01:16It's not a 90-hour saga.

00:01:18But we just celebrated our one-year wedding anniversary, so it's one year down forever

00:01:23to go, which is terrifying to say.

00:01:27But you know what's great is now it's just kind of liberating because I don't give a fuck

00:01:33about any of my single friends.

00:01:35I don't care about any of you guys.

00:01:38And it feels great because you guys are at home just, like, swiping for love and complaining.

00:01:44Like, ugh, how do you find people?

00:01:46Dimples?

00:01:47Off with his head.

00:01:48Like a goddamn emperor.

00:01:50It's like, brunettes?

00:01:51Eh, not for me.

00:01:52I'm like, dude, you work at Subway.

00:01:53You don't deserve this level of choice.

00:01:55We're getting soft.

00:01:56You realize my parents physically never saw each other?

00:01:59Physically never saw each other.

00:02:0130 years ago in a small town in India called Oligar, population 990,000.

00:02:04That's a small town in India.

00:02:05My dad heard a lot of buzz in the streets about the school named Seema, my mom.

00:02:10And, like, Seema was that chick, you guys.

00:02:13Like, in 82, Seema could get it.

00:02:15Look at that red line.

00:02:16Killing it.

00:02:20She was like the iPhone 8 of Oligar.

00:02:21People were like, oh, my God, have you heard of Seema?

00:02:23She's very slim and slender.

00:02:24Her family owns a camera.

00:02:25My dad's like, what, a camera?

00:02:26I don't believe this.

00:02:27So he runs down to my grandfather's house, just lays it online.

00:02:30He's like, what's up?

00:02:31I'm Najee, I'm a chemist.

00:02:32I'm going to America.

00:02:33I want to marry Seema.

00:02:34YOLO.

00:02:34In 10 minutes, the man married a woman he had never laid eyes on.

00:02:40You understand?

00:02:40That's Tinder with no photos.

00:02:43He's like, yeah, I want that for the rest of my life.

00:02:46I hope she has a good personality.

00:02:48Let's move to the United States.

00:02:49We're the only people that know each other.

00:02:53I'm so grateful for that decision.

00:02:56Najee, Mary's question mark, they come to the States.

00:02:58I come out.

00:03:00Popping out of your mom is like real estate.

00:03:02It's all about location, location, location.

00:03:04I popped out here.

00:03:06Like, anybody brown, we popped out here.

00:03:07We made it.

00:03:08We're the rappers that made it.

00:03:13What's wild is I never even knew how the whole X-Men origin story went down.

00:03:17Like, it's crazy because we know nothing about our parents and our parents know nothing about us.

00:03:24Like, you'll be like, Dad, what's your favorite color?

00:03:26Stanford.

00:03:26You're like, what?

00:03:27No.

00:03:29I don't know.

00:03:30I want to know more about you.

00:03:32Why do you want to know about me?

00:03:32Get into Stanford.

00:03:33And I think it's just that, like, immigrants love secrets.

00:03:40Right?

00:03:40Like, they love them.

00:03:41They love bottling them up deep down inside of themselves and then just unleashing them on you 30 years later when it's no longer relevant.

00:03:47So you'll be sitting there like, what?

00:03:49Mom's a ninja?

00:03:49Dad's a communist?

00:03:50Why are you telling me this right now?

00:03:51I feel like every conversation with my dad is like an M. Night Shyamalan movie where it's just 90 minutes of build-up to no payoff.

00:03:59And I'm like, I say, Andy?

00:04:03So my dad marries my mom.

00:04:05They come to the states they have me in Davis, California, but my mom, she has to go back to India to finish up med school.

00:04:13So the first eight years of my life, it was just me and my dad.

00:04:16It was just the two of us, just two brown dudes trying to make it in America, minus all the unconditional love.

00:04:20I've got to be real.

00:04:21You've got to be real.

00:04:22Brown love is very conditional.

00:04:24You can't hear this in the photo, but he's like, you better get all A's.

00:04:27You can't hear that.

00:04:29You know what I mean?

00:04:30Like, let's be real.

00:04:32I grew up here.

00:04:32Like, pioneer, homes.

00:04:34I grew up here.

00:04:36Yeah.

00:04:38But Davis was, like, super white.

00:04:41Like, kind of, I see, it's kind of like tonight.

00:04:45Right?

00:04:45Like, roll call was a problem.

00:04:47It was a big deal for, like, a lot of us.

00:04:48Right?

00:04:49Like, what was, what was, what's your name?

00:04:51Jossera.

00:04:52Okay, what would you get during roll call?

00:04:53Josseraya.

00:04:54Josseraya?

00:04:55Yep.

00:04:56Yeah, I would get all, like, Hanson Minajah, Sahan Meenha, Saddam Hussein.

00:05:04It's my English teacher.

00:05:05I'm like, dude, my name's not Saddam.

00:05:06What's your name, dude?

00:05:07Bijou.

00:05:07Bijou?

00:05:08What would you get?

00:05:08A blank stare.

00:05:09A blank stare?

00:05:12It's weird.

00:05:13Like, so I'm the only brown guy at my school.

00:05:15My dad's the only brown guy at work.

00:05:16And so, in a weird way, that brings us together.

00:05:18And we have to do everything together, which sucks.

00:05:20Because if you're with an immigrant father, you have to try to understand them.

00:05:23And I still can't understand some of you guys to this day.

00:05:25Like, there's uncles here tonight, and none of you guys are smiling.

00:05:28Like, I don't get it.

00:05:28You're going to die.

00:05:29Fucking laugh.

00:05:30Like, you're not laughing.

00:05:31Why aren't you laughing?

00:05:32You guys are always stressed and always tired.

00:05:35Like, you could wake up any immigrant father from, like, a 12-hour nap,

00:05:38and they'd still be like, uh, why do I have to pay taxes?

00:05:44Like, Jesus.

00:05:46We'd do everything.

00:05:47We'd have to go to the grocery store together.

00:05:48I remember we'd be in the grocery store.

00:05:50And we'd be walking through the aisles.

00:05:51My dad would, like, pick up yogurt.

00:05:53I'd try to understand.

00:05:53I'm like, uh, yogurt.

00:05:58Or, like, milk.

00:05:59Just like, uh, dude.

00:06:03And I'd look at him and be like, oh, man.

00:06:05Like, dad hates yogurt.

00:06:08I mean, he hates milk.

00:06:11But I get that look now.

00:06:14And it's like, you know, life is tough,

00:06:15and sometimes you don't know what you're doing.

00:06:17And he's my age.

00:06:18He has a little kid.

00:06:19And I'm not making his life any easier.

00:06:20I'm, like, picking up soda in the aisles.

00:06:21I'm like, ah.

00:06:22It's like, Hasan, don't do that.

00:06:23I'm like, I'm a kid.

00:06:24I'm going to live forever.

00:06:25And then I would trip on my Velcro shoes,

00:06:27and I would drop the soda in the aisle,

00:06:29and it would explode.

00:06:31And then my dad would do what most brown parents do to this day.

00:06:35He'd check to see if the coast is clear.

00:06:38And he slapped the shit out of me.

00:06:40And I love it.

00:06:44Thank you, pockets, for acknowledging that.

00:06:48And for the liberal white guilt.

00:06:49Look, immigrants aren't going to hit their children the way you guys do.

00:06:53Americans hit their kids on the arm and bruise their body.

00:06:55Immigrants slap you across the face and bruise your soul.

00:06:58It's Guantanamo of the mind.

00:07:00And I know some of you guys are like, no, hey, no, this is Davis, okay?

00:07:06I listen to NPR.

00:07:07Ira Glass says, children are our future.

00:07:09You know what?

00:07:10Have you seen the show on NBC called The Slap?

00:07:12There's a real show on NBC.

00:07:13There's a real show on NBC about a white kid that gets slapped at a birthday party.

00:07:18Are you fucking kidding?

00:07:2013 episodes for this kid?

00:07:22Are you kidding me?

00:07:23Do you know when brown kids get slapped at birthday parties?

00:07:26Every brown birthday party.

00:07:29And usually, it's the kid whose birthday it is.

00:07:32And we stand there.

00:07:33And we point at him.

00:07:34We laugh.

00:07:34We go, ah, Bijou got slapped on his birthday.

00:07:38And that's what makes us tough and resilient.

00:07:41And it's why we become cardiologists and win spelling bees, right?

00:07:45Slapping is important.

00:07:46It elevates your game.

00:07:49Have you ever seen any kid win the spelling bee?

00:07:52Incredible.

00:07:53Ice water in the veins.

00:07:56Kobe.

00:07:58That kid's not going to choke on camera.

00:08:00He's been slapped on camera.

00:08:01Of course he can spell canadal.

00:08:04Canadal.

00:08:04Look at that face.

00:08:06Nothing.

00:08:07Nothing.

00:08:09He's 12 years old.

00:08:10Nothing.

00:08:12This kid just won $30,000 cash.

00:08:15Nothing.

00:08:17And people are like, oh, where does that come from?

00:08:19Look at his parents.

00:08:20Look at this kid's parents.

00:08:21Nothing.

00:08:22Your son.

00:08:23This one that scripts national spelling bee.

00:08:27Look at his brother.

00:08:28Look at his brother.

00:08:29His brother's like, I'm fucked.

00:08:30I'm fucked.

00:08:31The bar is way too high.

00:08:32I should kill myself.

00:08:33I should kill myself.

00:08:33People are like, hey, where does Bobby Jindal come from?

00:08:35That's where Bobby Jindal comes from.

00:08:37That is an Indian sociopath.

00:08:38I know what happens when I talk about this stuff.

00:08:44People are always like, oh, you got tiger parents.

00:08:46Your parents don't love you.

00:08:47I think our parents love us.

00:08:48I think we have great fathers.

00:08:49I just think our fathers didn't download all the great dad software.

00:08:53You know what I mean?

00:08:55Like there's just a few apps they're missing.

00:08:56Like birthdays aren't their thing.

00:08:59I mean, I feel like every immigrant father feels like if they brought you to the United States.

00:09:03Happy birthday.

00:09:06You know what I mean?

00:09:06Like Starbucks, Wi-Fi, freeways, happy birthday.

00:09:10No more birthdays.

00:09:10Go be president.

00:09:11Like that's their policy.

00:09:13One time I was in an interview and this lady was like, describe your earliest birthday memory.

00:09:16I was like, do I have to?

00:09:18So I'm six.

00:09:19I'm turning seven, right?

00:09:20Like my dad wakes me up super early in the morning.

00:09:23He's like, Hasan, get up.

00:09:25Get in the Camry.

00:09:26The immigrant car of choice.

00:09:29Get in the Camry.

00:09:30We're driving from Davis to Sacramento.

00:09:32There's one mall in the entire area at the time.

00:09:34Arden, right?

00:09:35We get to this intersection and I look to my left and it's the one place that every kid dreams about.

00:09:42Toys R Us.

00:09:43I was like, oh shit.

00:09:45Dad saw the Toys R Us kids catalog cut out on my wall.

00:09:49He saw my vision board.

00:09:53He saw the blue BMX bike that I wanted.

00:09:55He's here to surprise me.

00:09:56Turn left.

00:09:58Turn left.

00:10:00Turn left.

00:10:03Then he turns right.

00:10:05And I'm like, Home Depot?

00:10:07No!

00:10:10We're walking through Home Depot.

00:10:11I'm like, dad, why are we here?

00:10:12Do you know what date it is today?

00:10:13He's like, yeah, it's Saturday.

00:10:14I'm like, no, it's my birthday.

00:10:16Did you forget that it's my birthday?

00:10:17He's like, no, Hasan, how could I forget that it's your birthday?

00:10:20That's why I brought you here, so you could pick out the door handle for the bathroom.

00:10:26And I was like, why don't you have me pick out the toilet, because you were shitting all over my dreams.

00:10:36I didn't say that.

00:10:37I would have gotten slapped.

00:10:38I wanted to say that, but that's when I realized, oh, there's a generational gap between us and our parents, right?

00:10:44Like, you're going to fight with your parents, and there's a finite number of hands you can play with them over the course of your life.

00:10:49You know about this, right?

00:10:51Right?

00:10:51You're not going to be a doctor?

00:10:52Boom, that's a hand.

00:10:55You want to marry a white girl?

00:10:56Boom, that's a big hand.

00:10:59On that day, I could have walked out and be like, I don't give a shit, daddy, you sign me right here, right now.

00:11:02I want that bike.

00:11:03But I was like, no, no, no, hang on to your cards.

00:11:04You'll need them later.

00:11:06Like, I had vision as a six-year-old.

00:11:10And my mom, she would come and visit and just kill the mom game.

00:11:14Remember one year, she came to Pioneer Elementary School and brought me a Ghostbusters 1 proton pack.

00:11:18I'm talking about the wheelie thing, the backpack, the gun that catches ghosts, literally shut Pioneer down.

00:11:24Kids were losing their mind.

00:11:25They're like, what?

00:11:26Saddam Hussein's a Ghostbuster?

00:11:28I was like, yeah, I'm a brown Ghostbuster.

00:11:31Deal with it.

00:11:32It's one of the happiest days of my life.

00:11:35But then she'd have to go back to India.

00:11:38That's when I realized I don't want a toy.

00:11:41I just want my mom.

00:11:41I want to be a family.

00:11:43I know I was very emo.

00:11:44I was like a little Drake.

00:11:45I miss that girl.

00:11:46I was like, when is she coming back?

00:11:48Like, I need her in my life.

00:11:53I need her.

00:11:54I need that girl.

00:11:55I need that girl in my life.

00:11:57I need her dad.

00:11:59She used to call me on my phone.

00:12:00My dad's like, when the visa comes through.

00:12:02That's a big deal for us.

00:12:03When the visa comes through.

00:12:05It's a big deal.

00:12:05I don't care what anyone tells you about our immigration policy.

00:12:08It's very difficult to get in this country.

00:12:09It's not like a broken condom where you're like, I'm in.

00:12:11You don't just slide in.

00:12:13Eight years.

00:12:16I'm so excited.

00:12:16August 11, 1993.

00:12:17I'm so excited.

00:12:18I run into my room.

00:12:19I put on my Ghostbusters proton pack.

00:12:21I'm standing there.

00:12:22My dad goes, Hasan, put on Indian clothes.

00:12:24I'm like, all right.

00:12:25I can be an Indian Ghostbuster.

00:12:29I put on Shavarka Meeves.

00:12:30I'm standing there.

00:12:31I'm standing there.

00:12:32Fine.

00:12:33Door opens.

00:12:35Dad walks through.

00:12:37Mom walks through.

00:12:38And then immediately behind my mom is this little brown girl with a mushroom cut.

00:12:46She just runs up to me and hugs me.

00:12:48Hasan, bye.

00:12:50And I'm in full hover hands mode because I have no idea who this person is.

00:12:56And basically what happened was is my dad would go back and forth to India to visit my mom.

00:13:03And during one of his trips, he knocked her up.

00:13:05And I had a sister.

00:13:11But no one told me about her.

00:13:17Remember how I told you how immigrants love secrets?

00:13:21This is a huge secret that nobody told me.

00:13:23He's like, why aren't you hugging her?

00:13:24Because you brought her out like Maury for immigrants, Dad.

00:13:27He was just like, Hasan, you are the brother.

00:13:28I'm like, no, no, no, I'm not.

00:13:30She's like, great dancing.

00:13:31He's like, where's my bug?

00:13:32But I'm like, who the fuck are you?

00:13:33She's like, you don't know me.

00:13:34I'm like, I have no idea who you are.

00:13:36I hated that brown girl so much.

00:13:37Can I be honest with you guys?

00:13:38I totally understood the wall.

00:13:40I was like, build that wall.

00:13:41I was like a little Republican.

00:13:43I get it.

00:13:44I remember leveling with my parents at the dinner table.

00:13:47I was like, look, mom, dad, let's just be real.

00:13:49Oh, my God, these brown people.

00:13:50Oh, geez.

00:13:53Coming into our house.

00:13:56Eating our fruit roll-ups.

00:14:00They don't speak the language.

00:14:03I say we tell them to go back to where they came from.

00:14:05That's just me.

00:14:05He's like, Hasan, you can't say that.

00:14:07We're family.

00:14:07We're all that we have.

00:14:08I'm like, nah, that's on you and mom.

00:14:11Like, you guys decided to get your Angelina Jolie on

00:14:13and bring over this fob in a frock.

00:14:16That's on you.

00:14:16That's not on me.

00:14:17And I don't know what it is.

00:14:19Brown mothers, why you do this to your daughters.

00:14:20Every single brown mother makes your daughter

00:14:23quinceanera dress chop cuts.

00:14:25Why?

00:14:26Princess from here down, toad from here up.

00:14:29I got this shit falling around on the playground.

00:14:32Hasan, bye.

00:14:33I'm like, yo, kick rocks.

00:14:34I go play to the ball.

00:14:35Hasan, bye.

00:14:36I'm like, yo, get lost.

00:14:37Eventually, I couldn't take it anymore.

00:14:38I run into the boys' bathroom.

00:14:39She follows me into the boys' bathroom.

00:14:41It's like, Hasan, bye.

00:14:42Like, all the kids at their urinary are like,

00:14:44uh, what's Hasan, bye?

00:14:46Like, I went to school with, like, a bunch of Ryan Lochte's.

00:14:50You know what I mean?

00:14:50Just all tracks.

00:14:51It's like, uh, I don't understand other cultures, bruh.

00:14:55What is that?

00:14:56What does that mean?

00:14:57I'm like, Hasan, bye.

00:14:58It's a term of endearment in my culture.

00:14:59It means Hasan, brother.

00:15:00Shut up, Cody.

00:15:01And I took all that anger, and I channeled it at her.

00:15:04And I was like, hey, you're not my sister.

00:15:08But she couldn't understand English.

00:15:14But she got what I was saying.

00:15:16She starts crying.

00:15:17She runs out.

00:15:18And I was like, no.

00:15:19And I was like, no.

00:15:21She's going to tell Dad.

00:15:25I mean, let's focus on what's important here.

00:15:27But she didn't.

00:15:28And my dad, you know, it was her first birthday in the United States.

00:15:32She's turning five.

00:15:33So for her first birthday, he really wanted it to be really special.

00:15:36I can imagine being a father, like, missing your daughter's first steps,

00:15:41her first time saying, Dada.

00:15:42Like, that's a hard thing.

00:15:44So for her fifth birthday, he brings everybody to the living room.

00:15:47And he drags in this big brown box.

00:15:49He goes, Aisha, open the box.

00:15:50She cuts open the box and unfurls one of the flaps.

00:15:53And I see Toys R Us emblazon on one of the flaps.

00:15:58And he reaches in and pulls out a beautiful blue BMX bike.

00:16:04He goes, here you go, Aisha.

00:16:06He looks at me.

00:16:07Happy birthday.

00:16:13Savage, right?

00:16:16I'm livid.

00:16:17I'm like, yo, when did Home Depot Dad become Danny Tanner?

00:16:21This is bullshit.

00:16:22Really?

00:16:23I'm livid.

00:16:24And Aisha senses it.

00:16:25She's like, husband, why don't you take it out for the first ride?

00:16:27Luna, you take it out.

00:16:29And I'll be honest, as an elder brother, I felt very entitled to that bike.

00:16:32That's my bike.

00:16:34No, this is a PSA.

00:16:35Younger siblings, you guys are worthless.

00:16:36You bring nothing to the table.

00:16:37You are absolutely worthless.

00:16:38I see some of you guys getting mad.

00:16:39No, no.

00:16:40I have a personality.

00:16:42Where do you think you got that from, dummy?

00:16:44Us.

00:16:45Clothes, culture, money.

00:16:47I have opinions.

00:16:49No, you don't.

00:16:50And then you have the audacity to be like, hey, why are you so melodramatic?

00:16:55Because I went to war for you.

00:16:57Mom and dad was my Vietnam.

00:16:59And you guys are like, whatever.

00:17:00Everybody loves me.

00:17:01See ya.

00:17:01It's such bullshit, right?

00:17:03Elder siblings, our entire life, don't we walk through the world like, do people love me?

00:17:07And you guys are like, everybody loves me.

00:17:09Mom and dad fucked up with you.

00:17:10Not with me.

00:17:10See ya.

00:17:11Right?

00:17:12She opens the door.

00:17:15She's like, take it for one lap around the blocks.

00:17:17Plus, Ick-cha-kamaro, Ick-cha-kamaro.

00:17:19And I grab those rubber handlebars.

00:17:20I'm like, yo, fuck that noise.

00:17:22Boom.

00:17:22I take off.

00:17:23I'm flying.

00:17:23I'm like, ah.

00:17:24She's like, ha-sen-bai, come back.

00:17:25I'm like, eat my dust, immigrant.

00:17:27I'm flying.

00:17:28I see a curb.

00:17:29I'm about to pop a wheelie on the curb.

00:17:31I hit the curb.

00:17:31Boom.

00:17:31The bike goes left.

00:17:32I go right.

00:17:33And that beautiful blue BMX bike, bam, crashes into the cement.

00:17:37And all the blue paints chipped off the right side of the bike.

00:17:41I pick it up, and it's destroyed.

00:17:45I hear the pitter-patter of her chupples.

00:17:47She's crying.

00:17:48She's like, ha-sen-mai, no-nese-kyo-kyo, why would you do this?

00:17:51Anime, Tears of Innocence.

00:17:53Look at him.

00:17:53Why would you do this?

00:17:54I gave you the first pie, and I'm looking down at her, and I'm like, man, I'm being a dick.

00:18:03Like, this whole time, I was looking for acceptance from Cody, Corey, and Cole, and I had it right

00:18:14here underneath my nose this entire time.

00:18:16I'm supposed to be her big brother.

00:18:18I'm supposed to help her navigate the American dream.

00:18:19I'm supposed to protect her.

00:18:20And I'm out here stealing her bike.

00:18:24It's fucked up.

00:18:25And Aisha hates that story.

00:18:27She's always like, oh, my God, ha-sen-mai, you are so melodramatic.

00:18:32You make me sound like a refugee baby to entertain white people.

00:18:35That's true.

00:18:36I'm doing that right now.

00:18:38It's not fair, because she's not a refugee.

00:18:41Like, she learned English.

00:18:44She went to an Ivy League law school.

00:18:46She does mergers and acquisitions now.

00:18:49Like, she is the 1%.

00:18:50Meanwhile, I, I didn't go to grad school.

00:18:55I became a comedian.

00:18:56This is what I do.

00:18:58And then, when it came time for me to get married, I got married to a girl from a Hindu family.

00:19:05Oh, I heard an audible.

00:19:07Oh, all right.

00:19:08Fuck.

00:19:09I heard you go like, ugh, I didn't punch you.

00:19:11Like, damn.

00:19:14All right, so some of you guys don't know.

00:19:15So, Hindus and Muslims are like the Montagues and Capulets of India.

00:19:19And we've been warring for centuries.

00:19:22And I know some of you guys are like, what's the difference?

00:19:24I take yoga.

00:19:24You guys all look the same.

00:19:25So, how would I, um, how do I explain this?

00:19:27So, Hindus and Muslims.

00:19:28So, Hindus, um, Hindus, Hindus don't eat beef.

00:19:32They're like, is that beef?

00:19:33No beef, right?

00:19:34And then, Muslims, we don't eat pork.

00:19:36We're like, is that pepperoni pizza?

00:19:37No.

00:19:38No pepperoni.

00:19:40And then, Hindus, they like statues.

00:19:43They're like, oh, this is a statue of an elephant.

00:19:47I'm going to put this in my car.

00:19:58And then, Muslims are like, no statues.

00:20:00Calligraphy.

00:20:00We're about that alphabet life.

00:20:02We put that in our car.

00:20:04We're different, dude.

00:20:05And then, Hindus, they like cartoons.

00:20:08They're like, oh, this is a cartoon Ganesh.

00:20:12Just put this on the wall.

00:20:14And Muslims, um, we don't really, uh, like cartoons.

00:20:21We just got to get better about our general cartoon policy.

00:20:24And because of these huge differences,

00:20:25we've been killing each other for centuries.

00:20:27And I know they're like, the older generation

00:20:30doesn't like those jokes.

00:20:31Like, this is not funny.

00:20:32Pakistan was created because of this reason.

00:20:33I know.

00:20:34But I convinced my dad.

00:20:37I was like, Dad, I love her.

00:20:38She loves me.

00:20:39Isn't there something bigger that unites all of us

00:20:43outside of race, color, creed, class?

00:20:45This is America.

00:20:45We can choose.

00:20:46We can pick and choose what we want to adhere

00:20:48from the motherland here.

00:20:49Isn't life like Duryani,

00:20:50where you move the good shit towards you

00:20:52and push the weird shit to the side?

00:20:53Why do we not adhere to this weird shit?

00:20:55Come back over there.

00:20:56He agrees.

00:20:58He's like, that's a good point.

00:21:00Fine.

00:21:01You should get married.

00:21:02Are you fucking kidding?

00:21:03That's a Hall of Fame brown dad decision.

00:21:04Are you kidding me?

00:21:05There's brown dads right here.

00:21:06He's like, if my son did that,

00:21:08I would shoot myself,

00:21:09then I would shoot him.

00:21:10He says, yes.

00:21:11We rally the troops.

00:21:14Me, Mom, Dad, Aisha.

00:21:15We get in the Camry.

00:21:16We're driving to my future fiance's house.

00:21:19And we're about to pull up.

00:21:21And we get to the door.

00:21:23And my dad's about to ring the doorbell.

00:21:25And then he says the one sentence

00:21:27that is the killer of every brown kid's dream.

00:21:32He goes, uh,

00:21:34Hasan, I don't think we should do this.

00:21:36What will people think?

00:21:44And I don't know if you guys know this,

00:21:45but every time a brown father says,

00:21:47A star actually falls from the sky.

00:21:52Mom, Dad, I don't want to be a doctor.

00:21:55No.

00:21:57I don't want to marry so-and-so.

00:22:00Why?

00:22:01I bet you when Mahatma Gandhi told his parents

00:22:04he was going to stand up to the British

00:22:06and liberate India.

00:22:07Even they were like,

00:22:08I don't want this look.

00:22:09I can't get, hey.

00:22:10Stop marching.

00:22:11Eat something.

00:22:12The British are going to talk shit about us.

00:22:13Why are you bald and skinny?

00:22:15We can see your ribs.

00:22:15You're being weird.

00:22:16You're never going to get married.

00:22:17And I'm standing there.

00:22:20On that doorstep.

00:22:23Wait.

00:22:24I'm standing there.

00:22:26On that doorstep.

00:22:28Being like, wait,

00:22:29you want me to change my life

00:22:30because of lo-k-ya-k-eng?

00:22:32Come on, Dad.

00:22:33How many times behind closed doors

00:22:35do we complain about racism in our community?

00:22:37All the time.

00:22:38Now when the ball's in our court,

00:22:40we're going to be bigoted to another community?

00:22:42Come on, Dad.

00:22:42I promise you,

00:22:43God doesn't embark on bigotry.

00:22:45God's not up in heaven being like,

00:22:46you're racist?

00:22:46Good job.

00:22:47That's what I always wanted.

00:22:48No.

00:22:48Number two,

00:22:50you want me to change my life

00:22:52to appease some auntie and uncle

00:22:53that I'm never going to see at some party?

00:22:54You want me to change my life for nil-auntie?

00:22:57Fuck nil-auntie.

00:22:58I'm not doing that.

00:22:58Are you fucking kidding me?

00:23:00My life?

00:23:01My life?

00:23:03But I can't say that

00:23:05because I've played all my cards.

00:23:08So I can't say anything.

00:23:10Now I'm losing hope.

00:23:12Now I'm like,

00:23:13man, maybe this is bigger than me.

00:23:14Like, why can't I be an acha-bacha,

00:23:16put my head down

00:23:16and just do what I'm supposed to do?

00:23:18This is real life.

00:23:19This ain't Joe the Akbar.

00:23:20You ever been in a situation

00:23:21where you're trapped by the time you live in?

00:23:23This is bigger than me.

00:23:24It's been going on for centuries.

00:23:26So I'm walking back to the Camry.

00:23:27Then I hear a voice behind me.

00:23:29Oh my God.

00:23:33You guys do this

00:23:34all the time.

00:23:37And it is Aisha

00:23:38and she is pissed.

00:23:41And she's like,

00:23:41Dad,

00:23:42I did not fly out from Philly

00:23:44for this.

00:23:46Bina is so legit.

00:23:51She has a PhD.

00:23:54Hasan Bai is a comedian.

00:24:00No one...

00:24:01No one is going to marry him.

00:24:04So let's get him married

00:24:05before she changes her mind.

00:24:07She stepped up.

00:24:08She put her foot down.

00:24:09She laid down one of her cards for me.

00:24:11She filled Jackson

00:24:11that entire situation.

00:24:13She got all these people

00:24:14working together for one goal.

00:24:15And because of her,

00:24:16on January 2nd,

00:24:17I got to make the love of my life

00:24:18because of my sister.

00:24:19And I can't believe it.

00:24:24For years,

00:24:25I resented that brown girl.

00:24:26I hated her.

00:24:28But on that day,

00:24:29on that special day,

00:24:31I couldn't have been more proud

00:24:32to be her Hasan Bai.

00:24:45You know, they say,

00:24:56every generation

00:24:57is defined by a great struggle

00:25:00or tragedy.

00:25:01And it's wild

00:25:02that our kids will never know.

00:25:04There was a period in time

00:25:06in this country

00:25:06where you had to make a choice

00:25:08between being on the internet

00:25:10or being on the phone.

00:25:15They won't get it, dude.

00:25:16You won't get it.

00:25:17You'll never get it.

00:25:18You don't get it, man.

00:25:19You won't.

00:25:20That was our World War I, man.

00:25:22Especially like in middle school.

00:25:24If a girl called the house,

00:25:25are you kidding me?

00:25:25You'd have to pick up the phone

00:25:27before your parents.

00:25:29Back in the day,

00:25:30we used to have this thing

00:25:30called landlines.

00:25:31It's like phones

00:25:32connected to the land

00:25:33for some reason.

00:25:34And I remember one time

00:25:36in middle school,

00:25:36a girl called the house.

00:25:37I raced to the phone,

00:25:38but my dad picked it up before me.

00:25:39He's like, hello, who is this?

00:25:40He's like, hi, it's Alice.

00:25:42Is Hasan there?

00:25:43He's like, what do you want, Alice?

00:25:44I was like, great, I'm a divergent.

00:25:47I'm in geometry with Hasan.

00:25:49I had a question for him.

00:25:50Can I ask him the question?

00:25:52He's like, okay, Alice.

00:25:54Why don't you ask me the question?

00:25:58Then I'll ask Hasan.

00:25:59Listen, that's basically

00:26:01the way our parents are.

00:26:03Ages zero through 30,

00:26:04they're like, no girls, right?

00:26:05Then when you're 35,

00:26:05they're like, why can't you talk to girls?

00:26:07It's basically, you're like,

00:26:08ah, let me kill me.

00:26:11That's the way our parents are.

00:26:13Right?

00:26:14Our parents,

00:26:14our parents are like a firewall

00:26:16to the outside world.

00:26:18Information comes in,

00:26:19then they disseminate it to us.

00:26:20It's like living in North Korea.

00:26:22And my dad is like,

00:26:23you know, he's the leader

00:26:25of the household.

00:26:25So when 9-11 happened,

00:26:27I was a sophomore in high school.

00:26:28My dad sits everybody down

00:26:29at the dinner table.

00:26:30He's like, all right, Hasan,

00:26:31whatever you do,

00:26:32do not tell people you're Muslim.

00:26:34Do not talk about politics.

00:26:35I was like, all right, Dad,

00:26:36I'll just hide it.

00:26:36Cool.

00:26:38This just rubs off.

00:26:40I'm sitting there.

00:26:40Phone rings.

00:26:42I run to the phone,

00:26:43but my dad, he had a good first step,

00:26:44so he beats me to the phone.

00:26:44He's like, da, da, hello?

00:26:46I grab the second phone.

00:26:47Hello?

00:26:47And I hear a voice.

00:26:48Hey, hey, you sand nigger,

00:26:49where's Osama?

00:26:52He looks at me.

00:26:54You can hear me, right,

00:26:55you fucking dune-coon.

00:26:56Where's Osama?

00:26:58He's just like,

00:26:59hey, you can hear me, right?

00:27:03263 Norgata Lane.

00:27:04That's where you live, right?

00:27:05I'm going to fucking kill you.

00:27:06Click.

00:27:08And my dad's looking at me.

00:27:11You ever see your parents,

00:27:12and you see the mortality in them?

00:27:15Like, I'm looking at my dad,

00:27:17and I see all five, seven of him.

00:27:20And that's when I realized,

00:27:21no, I'm a dart book.

00:27:22I'm a scaredy cat.

00:27:23You know the way it is.

00:27:24We can speak two languages.

00:27:25Gar-ky-ba-thi, bar-ky-ba-thi.

00:27:26We can speak at home and outside.

00:27:28I should have said something.

00:27:30I didn't.

00:27:31We sit down.

00:27:32I hear foom, foom, foom outside.

00:27:35So me and dad, we run outside,

00:27:36and all the windows on the Camry are smashed in.

00:27:38I look in the back,

00:27:41and my backpack's open.

00:27:42I'm like, fuck, they stole my stuff.

00:27:43I reach in.

00:27:44I pull out my backpack.

00:27:46These pieces of glass get caught in my arm.

00:27:48And now all this blood is, like,

00:27:49gushing down the side of my arm.

00:27:50And I'm pissed.

00:27:51I'm, like, fucking mad.

00:27:53Man, fuck this, man.

00:27:54Like, these kids, they know where we live.

00:27:55They're calling us.

00:27:56They're timing this in real time.

00:27:57So they're watching us.

00:27:58So I'm running up and down the cul-de-sac,

00:28:00looking in the trees, the bushes.

00:28:02I look back in the middle of the street.

00:28:04My dad's in the middle of the road,

00:28:06sweeping glass out of the road

00:28:08like he works at, like, a hate crime barber shop.

00:28:09He's like, oh, man, we got customers.

00:28:12We got to clean this up.

00:28:15Zen, brown Mr. Miyagi,

00:28:17just, like, not saying a word.

00:28:19I run up to him, like,

00:28:20Dad, why aren't you saying something?

00:28:21I'm not asking you now.

00:28:22Say something.

00:28:24He looks at me, and he goes,

00:28:25Hasan,

00:28:27these things happen,

00:28:35and these things will continue to happen.

00:28:38That's the price we pay for being here.

00:28:42And that's when I was like,

00:28:43oh, no, we really are from two different generations.

00:28:46Like, BMX bikes aside.

00:28:48Like, my dad's from that generation,

00:28:49like a lot of immigrants,

00:28:51where he feels like if you come to this country,

00:28:53you pay this thing like the American Dream tax, right?

00:28:55Like, you're going to endure some racism,

00:28:57and if it doesn't cost you your life,

00:28:58well, hey, you lucked out, pay it.

00:28:59There you go, Uncle Sam.

00:29:00But for me, like a lot of us,

00:29:02I was born here.

00:29:04So I actually have the audacity of equality.

00:29:07Like, I'm like, no, I'm in honors gov.

00:29:08I have it right here.

00:29:10Life, liberty, pursuit of happiness.

00:29:12All men are created equal.

00:29:13Says it right here.

00:29:14I'm equal.

00:29:15I'm equal.

00:29:16I don't deserve this.

00:29:16But I can't...

00:29:18As soon as I say that...

00:29:21And he looks at me like,

00:29:24I believe in Sam.

00:29:25He's like,

00:29:25You'll never understand.

00:29:28I'll never understand.

00:29:29Dad, you're the guy

00:29:30that'll argue with the cashier at Costco

00:29:33when he doesn't let you return used underwear.

00:29:35And now you want to be the bigger man?

00:29:37Now you're like,

00:29:38no, no, no, let's be reasonable with the bigots.

00:29:40What?

00:29:42And then he just walks back into the house

00:29:44with glass in his feet.

00:29:46And I honestly don't know

00:29:48who's more right.

00:29:51Like, maybe he's right.

00:29:52I don't know.

00:29:53Put your head down.

00:29:54Go be a doctor.

00:29:55Get a house in the burbs.

00:29:56Laugh later.

00:29:56Let him call him.

00:29:57Whatever you want.

00:29:59But then I'm like,

00:29:59wait, isn't it our job to, like,

00:30:00push the needle forward little by little?

00:30:03Isn't that how all this stuff happens?

00:30:04Scotus decision.

00:30:04Then this.

00:30:05Then this.

00:30:05I don't know.

00:30:06The pendulum swings back and forth for me.

00:30:08And I know 9-11 is a super touchy subject.

00:30:12I understand.

00:30:12You know, because when it happened,

00:30:14everyone in America

00:30:15felt like their country was under attack.

00:30:19But on that night,

00:30:21September 12th,

00:30:21it was the first night

00:30:22of so many nights

00:30:24where I felt like my family's love

00:30:25and loyalty to this country

00:30:26was under attack.

00:30:28And it always sucks.

00:30:30As immigrants,

00:30:31we always have to put on

00:30:33these press releases

00:30:34to prove our patriotism.

00:30:36We're always auditioning.

00:30:37We'd be like,

00:30:37yeah, we love this country.

00:30:38Please believe me.

00:30:39Nobody loves this country

00:30:40more than immigrants.

00:30:41I love this country, man.

00:30:42I fell in love in this country.

00:30:43Six years old,

00:30:44Janice Malo.

00:30:45I saw her in the sandbox.

00:30:46I run up to her.

00:30:47First grade.

00:30:48I was like,

00:30:48Janice, I love you.

00:30:49She's like,

00:30:50you're the color of poop.

00:30:51That's memory number one.

00:30:53Remember the first time

00:30:54you experienced racism?

00:30:55You don't know what it is.

00:30:56I was like,

00:30:56what?

00:30:57Oh, no!

00:30:58It's not rubbing off.

00:31:00I was fucking terrified.

00:31:01It was like racist inception.

00:31:02There were so many levels to it.

00:31:04I just wanted to wake up

00:31:05in a bathtub like Joseph Gordon-Levitt

00:31:06and be like,

00:31:07oh, oh, it's all a dream.

00:31:08I'm JGL.

00:31:09It was all a dream.

00:31:09But it's not a dream.

00:31:11It's the universe telling you,

00:31:12hey, it's a fair and lovely world.

00:31:13You've got to navigate accordingly.

00:31:17In the third grade,

00:31:18there was this assignment

00:31:20where Miss Anderson was like,

00:31:21hey, write what you want to be

00:31:22when you grow up.

00:31:22So some kids were like,

00:31:23I want to be an astronaut.

00:31:24They're like,

00:31:25I want to be a firefighter.

00:31:26And I was like,

00:31:27I want to be white.

00:31:29And she was like,

00:31:30honey, what do you mean?

00:31:30I was like,

00:31:31I want this part of my skin

00:31:32to be all of my skin.

00:31:35And it wasn't one of those weird things

00:31:37like, I hate melanin.

00:31:38It's not that.

00:31:38I love melanin.

00:31:39I've never gotten a sunburn.

00:31:40I'm hashtag blessed.

00:31:42But when you're white

00:31:47and you're playing the video game of life

00:31:50and your avatar comes out white,

00:31:52you just get asked less questions

00:31:54along the way at each level.

00:31:55Right?

00:31:56Like you pop out,

00:31:56boom.

00:31:57I want to be Batman.

00:31:58Well, of course.

00:31:59Batman is white.

00:32:01Duh.

00:32:02Boom.

00:32:02I want to be president.

00:32:03Well, duh.

00:32:0444 and a half presidents are white.

00:32:07We've had a great track record.

00:32:10And I know,

00:32:10I know the privilege debate.

00:32:12I know the privilege debate

00:32:14is very heavy for white people.

00:32:15I know you guys have problems.

00:32:16I've seen girls on HBO.

00:32:17I get it.

00:32:18But

00:32:18my dad did not give a shit

00:32:23about any of this identity stuff

00:32:24because he was an immigrant father.

00:32:26His rules with me growing up

00:32:26were very simple.

00:32:27No fun,

00:32:27no friends,

00:32:28no girlfriends.

00:32:29You can have fun in med school,

00:32:30which is a huge lie.

00:32:31It never gets poppin' in med school.

00:32:34I've never been to a club

00:32:35and seen like nine dudes losing their mind.

00:32:36Like,

00:32:36yo fellas,

00:32:37what's going on?

00:32:37What's going on?

00:32:39Residency fam.

00:32:40No,

00:32:40never happened.

00:32:42I got a career I hate for my parents.

00:32:44It's a lie.

00:32:44We buy into it.

00:32:45I don't know why,

00:32:45right?

00:32:46So by the time my senior year

00:32:47of high school had rolled around,

00:32:49I'd yet to go to a school dance.

00:32:51I'd been cut from the basketball team

00:32:52three years in a row.

00:32:53And

00:32:53I had just gotten off this medicine

00:32:55called Accutane,

00:32:56so my skin and face was peeling.

00:32:57So I'm just killing it.

00:32:58I'm crushing life.

00:32:59It's out here,

00:33:00killing it.

00:33:01No one did that.

00:33:02Don't clap.

00:33:04Don't clap.

00:33:04No one did that for that photo.

00:33:06No one ever did that at my school.

00:33:07It's too late.

00:33:08You can't make up for that.

00:33:10But there was one

00:33:11bright spot to my senior year.

00:33:13It was this girl

00:33:13named Bethany Reed.

00:33:14And her family

00:33:15had just moved from Nebraska

00:33:17to Davis.

00:33:18And we were in AP Calc together.

00:33:20But

00:33:20we had chemistry.

00:33:24Like,

00:33:25she sat behind me.

00:33:26First day,

00:33:26she's like,

00:33:26hey, hey, hey, hey.

00:33:28What's your AIM screen name?

00:33:31And I was like,

00:33:32oh, it's about to go down.

00:33:33Like, do you want it?

00:33:34Because I could give it to you.

00:33:35Whatever I lacked in real life game,

00:33:37my digital game,

00:33:38bananas.

00:33:40Status updates,

00:33:41away messages,

00:33:42sub profile,

00:33:43boys to men lyrics.

00:33:44Don't act like you don't like

00:33:45water runs dry.

00:33:46I was a lover.

00:33:47Late at night on AIM,

00:33:48back and forth,

00:33:49bring, bring, bring,

00:33:50back and forth,

00:33:50back and forth.

00:33:51You guys don't know this.

00:33:52Back in the day,

00:33:53some of you guys just in college,

00:33:54Snapchatting with your doggy filter,

00:33:55back in the day,

00:33:57we used to have to fire up the internet

00:33:58like goddamn cavemen.

00:33:59You know what I mean?

00:34:00It's like,

00:34:00and then if someone picked up the phone,

00:34:09you'd be like,

00:34:09hey, get off the phone.

00:34:11I'm trying to talk to somebody.

00:34:14That's how we would communicate.

00:34:16Late at night,

00:34:17back and forth,

00:34:18back and forth,

00:34:19back and forth,

00:34:20back and forth,

00:34:21back and forth.

00:34:21One night,

00:34:22she's like,

00:34:22hey, come over.

00:34:23I go over to her place.

00:34:24I bike over to her place,

00:34:25right?

00:34:25I get to her house,

00:34:26white picket fence,

00:34:27McMansion,

00:34:28Ford Expedition,

00:34:29Eddie Bauer edition.

00:34:33I was like,

00:34:33oh, they made it.

00:34:34Ding dong,

00:34:35Mrs. Reed opens the door.

00:34:36Her father's this successful retired judge.

00:34:38Mrs. Reed's like,

00:34:38hey, come on in.

00:34:39Do you want brownies?

00:34:39I was like,

00:34:39hey, I'll have some brownies.

00:34:40Cool.

00:34:41We sit down.

00:34:42We're studying.

00:34:42She's like,

00:34:43hey, stay for dinner.

00:34:43I was like,

00:34:43we just had brownies,

00:34:44but okay.

00:34:44We're sitting there

00:34:45at the dinner table.

00:34:47And now,

00:34:48Mrs. Reed's like,

00:34:49hey, honey,

00:34:49we know so much about Bethany,

00:34:52but we don't know anything about you.

00:34:54What do you like?

00:34:56What are you into?

00:34:57I was like,

00:34:57what?

00:35:00What do I like?

00:35:02Nobody,

00:35:03nobody's ever asked me that before.

00:35:08I guess I like acoustic guitar.

00:35:11You should do that.

00:35:13You should follow your dreams.

00:35:19Maybe I will.

00:35:21Maybe I will follow my dreams.

00:35:22Then Bethany's like,

00:35:24hey,

00:35:25we always study at my house.

00:35:27Why don't we study at your house?

00:35:29I was like,

00:35:30what am I going to invite you over to my house?

00:35:34Be like,

00:35:34yeah,

00:35:34come on in.

00:35:35You walk in,

00:35:36you're like,

00:35:36what language are you guys speaking?

00:35:38You guys watch movies?

00:35:39Who's in the movies?

00:35:40What's that smell?

00:35:40I'm not going to open myself up

00:35:41to that ridicule, right?

00:35:42I was like,

00:35:42no,

00:35:42she's different.

00:35:44She's like,

00:35:44yeah,

00:35:44come over.

00:35:45Bring.

00:35:45I hit her up late at night.

00:35:46I run downstairs.

00:35:46I was like,

00:35:47mom,

00:35:47dad,

00:35:47a school friend's coming over.

00:35:48Everyone here,

00:35:49please be normal.

00:35:51My dad's like,

00:35:52what?

00:35:52We are normal.

00:35:53Samosa,

00:35:54like kill me.

00:35:54You know what I mean?

00:35:55He's like,

00:35:55banyan,

00:35:56Hassan,

00:35:57we're normal.

00:35:57We're normal.

00:35:58Mara khandan deko.

00:35:58Be proud.

00:35:59You should be proud.

00:36:00Who is proud?

00:36:00No one is proud.

00:36:01You're walking around like an Indian rooster.

00:36:03I'm not proud.

00:36:03No one's proud.

00:36:05We get there.

00:36:07We're sitting.

00:36:07We're on my living room table.

00:36:08We're doing integrals.

00:36:10My mom and dad are like arguing with each other in Hindi.

00:36:13My mom's frying pakoras,

00:36:14the fabi-est thing ever.

00:36:17Gabi Kushi Gabi Gum is playing on ZTV.

00:36:19Classic.

00:36:19But it's too much.

00:36:22It's all coming at this girl.

00:36:23It's too much.

00:36:25You got to ease your way in.

00:36:27You're from Nebraska,

00:36:28right?

00:36:28You know what I mean?

00:36:29Soul cycle,

00:36:29yoga,

00:36:30then ZTV.

00:36:30Don't just like go into it.

00:36:33So I'm exposed.

00:36:34I'm looking at her.

00:36:34I'm like,

00:36:34please don't say anything.

00:36:35Like,

00:36:35please,

00:36:37please don't say anything.

00:36:39She looks up from her book.

00:36:42She's like,

00:36:42you know what?

00:36:45This is really nice.

00:36:48We should do this more often.

00:36:49This is really nice.

00:36:51And I look at her and I'm like,

00:36:53oh my God.

00:36:55I love you,

00:36:56my white princess.

00:36:59Like,

00:36:59you see me.

00:37:00You see me throughout.

00:37:01I don't got to change who I am.

00:37:03Like,

00:37:03I can be me.

00:37:04So we're going back and forth.

00:37:05Her house,

00:37:06my house,

00:37:06her house,

00:37:06my house,

00:37:06her house,

00:37:07my house,

00:37:07her house,

00:37:08my house.

00:37:08One night,

00:37:08we're back.

00:37:09We're on my living room table.

00:37:10We're doing integrals.

00:37:11She closes her book.

00:37:15She's like,

00:37:16hey,

00:37:17it's late.

00:37:18And I'm like,

00:37:20it is late.

00:37:22She's like,

00:37:23hmm,

00:37:24I should go home.

00:37:26And I was like,

00:37:27yeah,

00:37:27you should go home.

00:37:27I was like,

00:37:28no,

00:37:28why didn't you say that?

00:37:29No,

00:37:29that was your truth.

00:37:30Don't do that.

00:37:32I was like,

00:37:32no,

00:37:32wait,

00:37:33let me walk you out.

00:37:34So I'm walking her out down the driveway.

00:37:36I open up the door to the car.

00:37:37She gets in the car.

00:37:38I'm about to close the door.

00:37:40She rams her arm into the door and leans out of the car and gives me a kiss on the lips.

00:37:43I love you.

00:37:44Closes the door.

00:37:45Drives off into the night without saying a word like a fucking G.

00:37:50Because she knew the rules.

00:37:53She knew the rules.

00:37:55No fun,

00:37:55no friends,

00:37:56no girlfriends.

00:37:56All we had was that stolen moment at the end of my driveway.

00:38:00I know for a lot of you guys,

00:38:01you're like,

00:38:02what's the big deal,

00:38:02man?

00:38:03I was getting hand jobs when I was nine.

00:38:04Not me.

00:38:05Not this guy.

00:38:06Not you.

00:38:07Not you.

00:38:08Not you.

00:38:08Not us.

00:38:09I was like,

00:38:09what?

00:38:10What does this mean?

00:38:11Are we getting married?

00:38:12I got to change my pants.

00:38:13We are definitely getting married though.

00:38:14When is this shoddy?

00:38:19Now,

00:38:20my AP Calc class was a very tight-knit group of overachievers.

00:38:22And my Calc teacher,

00:38:24Mr. Pendleton,

00:38:24wanted us to live very well-rounded lives outside of school.

00:38:27So one day,

00:38:28during spring semester,

00:38:29he gets up in front of the entire class,

00:38:30and he's like,

00:38:30all right,

00:38:32you guys are all killing it academically,

00:38:33but I want you to know,

00:38:36there's more to life

00:38:37than just getting into UC Berkeley.

00:38:41And one of the kids was like,

00:38:42I know,

00:38:43like getting into Stanford.

00:38:43He's like,

00:38:44no, no,

00:38:44you have to live a life worth talking about,

00:38:47which is why

00:38:48I'm making it mandatory

00:38:50for everyone in this class

00:38:51to go to prom.

00:38:54And I'm sitting in the back of the class.

00:38:55I'm like,

00:38:55oh,

00:38:56all 30 of us,

00:38:56we're all going to prom.

00:38:57AP Calc,

00:38:58us,

00:38:59me,

00:38:59Jehovah's Witness Girl,

00:39:00Korean exchange students,

00:39:02we're all just going to dance it up in prom.

00:39:0330 for 30,

00:39:03all of us,

00:39:04really?

00:39:04I'm crying.

00:39:05I'm laughing so hard,

00:39:06I'm crying.

00:39:06He's like,

00:39:07Hanson,

00:39:07this is not funny,

00:39:08this is not a joke.

00:39:09He walks over to the board,

00:39:10he pulls it down,

00:39:11it's a bracket

00:39:12with everybody's name on it

00:39:14leading up to the big dance.

00:39:17It's basically March Madness for nerds.

00:39:19I'm like,

00:39:19whatever,

00:39:21it's not going to happen,

00:39:22this is impossible.

00:39:23He can't do this.

00:39:24Weeks go by,

00:39:25kids start getting dates to prom.

00:39:26Three days before prom,

00:39:27he walks over to the board,

00:39:28he pulls it down,

00:39:29last two names,

00:39:29Hassan Minaj,

00:39:31Bethany Reed.

00:39:32Class goes nuts,

00:39:33they're like,

00:39:33oh,

00:39:36they're going to fuck.

00:39:38I'm like,

00:39:38no,

00:39:39we're not,

00:39:39no,

00:39:39we're not,

00:39:40are we?

00:39:40No,

00:39:41no,

00:39:41we're not.

00:39:42I look at her,

00:39:43I'm like,

00:39:43please don't say anything,

00:39:44please,

00:39:44please don't say anything.

00:39:45She says nothing,

00:39:46like a G.

00:39:50Bell rings,

00:39:50I'm walking over to my locker,

00:39:52I hear the pitter-patter of her,

00:39:53she's like,

00:39:53hey,

00:39:54wait up,

00:39:54wait up.

00:39:54I was like,

00:39:55oh,

00:39:55hey,

00:39:55what's up?

00:39:58Oh,

00:39:58that was crazy back there,

00:39:59like,

00:39:59how crazy,

00:40:00what are the chances?

00:40:01She's like,

00:40:01listen,

00:40:02you know,

00:40:03ever since my family

00:40:04moved from Nebraska,

00:40:07you've been my best friend,

00:40:10and you're really special to me,

00:40:11and this year wouldn't be the same without you,

00:40:14so I was wondering,

00:40:16will you go to prom with me?

00:40:20And I was like,

00:40:27yes,

00:40:28my white princess,

00:40:28but as soon as I said that,

00:40:30I was like,

00:40:30no,

00:40:31I bit off more than I can chew,

00:40:32right?

00:40:32I was like,

00:40:32no,

00:40:32but wait,

00:40:32wait,

00:40:33no,

00:40:33wait,

00:40:33you've got cards to play,

00:40:35you're good,

00:40:35you're a good kid.

00:40:37Also,

00:40:38remember,

00:40:39parents respect honesty,

00:40:41you've seen this on TV,

00:40:42if you go home,

00:40:44and are honest,

00:40:46your parents will be like,

00:40:47hey,

00:40:47even though I disagree with you,

00:40:49I respect your candor,

00:40:51therefore,

00:40:52I will grant your wish.

00:40:54I was like,

00:40:54yeah,

00:40:54do that.

00:40:55I run home,

00:40:55I was like,

00:40:56dad,

00:40:56I would like to go to prom,

00:40:57he's like,

00:40:57which means,

00:40:59Hasan,

00:41:00I will break your face,

00:41:01I was like,

00:41:01duly noted,

00:41:01father.

00:41:02Bethany,

00:41:03situation at home,

00:41:04father dearest,

00:41:05doesn't want us going to prom,

00:41:06so here's what's going to happen,

00:41:07I'm going to sneak out of my room,

00:41:08I live on the second story of the house,

00:41:08I'm going to sneak out of my room,

00:41:09I'm going to jump off my roof,

00:41:11I'm going to somehow land on my bike,

00:41:12I bike over to your place,

00:41:12you're dancing up,

00:41:13you're driving me back off of the bike,

00:41:14I bike back home,

00:41:14I climb back up to the roof,

00:41:15and if I die,

00:41:15well,

00:41:15I had a great run,

00:41:16you know what I mean,

00:41:17you're going to die,

00:41:19so put it on the tombstone,

00:41:20Hasan Minhaj,

00:41:204.3 GPA,

00:41:21kiss the white girl,

00:41:22we out here,

00:41:22what an amazing way to go,

00:41:25night of prom rolls around,

00:41:27I put on the JC Penney suit,

00:41:30spray on the Michael Jordan cologne,

00:41:32six puffs,

00:41:33one for each championship,

00:41:35you don't want to overkill it,

00:41:37with the MJ cologne,

00:41:39don't be tacky,

00:41:41I'm scaling down the side of my roof,

00:41:44right,

00:41:44scraping my knees,

00:41:45I jump off the roof,

00:41:47it's like 20 feet,

00:41:48I jump off,

00:41:48I somehow land,

00:41:50I land,

00:41:50I get on my bike,

00:41:51I'm biking down Montgomery Boulevard,

00:41:52it's beautiful,

00:41:52the sun is setting,

00:41:53it's one of those gorgeous evenings in Davis,

00:41:55right,

00:41:55and I'm biking with my knees bowed out,

00:41:57extra wide like this,

00:41:58that way my slacks,

00:41:59don't get caught up in the chains of the bike,

00:42:01right,

00:42:02I'm biking fast enough that way,

00:42:03I get there in time,

00:42:04but slow enough that way,

00:42:05I don't get those pit stains,

00:42:06I'm balancing the corsage,

00:42:07so I'm just like,

00:42:08ah,

00:42:09ah,

00:42:11ah,

00:42:12ah,

00:42:13ah,

00:42:14all right,

00:42:14go,

00:42:14I get to your house,

00:42:20I've been there a million times,

00:42:22I parked my bike,

00:42:23I'm walking up to the doorstep,

00:42:25and I'm about to ring the doorbell,

00:42:26I was like,

00:42:27no, no, no, wait,

00:42:27take this in,

00:42:2930 second time out,

00:42:30do you understand what's about to go down?

00:42:32You're about to go to prom

00:42:33with Bethany motherfucking Reed,

00:42:35this is the American dream,

00:42:40this is what dad fought for,

00:42:42ding dong,

00:42:46Mrs. Reed opens the door,

00:42:48she has this look of concern on her face,

00:42:50and I look over her shoulder,

00:42:54I see this dude,

00:42:55Jeff Burke,

00:42:56putting a corsage on Bethany's wrist,

00:42:57and she's like,

00:43:00oh my God,

00:43:01honey,

00:43:01did Bethany not tell you?

00:43:04Oh, sweetie,

00:43:06we love you,

00:43:06we think you're great,

00:43:07and we love that you come over and study,

00:43:11but you know,

00:43:12tonight's one of those nights where,

00:43:13you know,

00:43:14we have a lot of family back home in Nebraska,

00:43:16and we're going to be taking a lot of photos tonight,

00:43:20so we don't think it'd be a good fit.

00:43:22Do you need a ride home?

00:43:26You know,

00:43:26Mr. Reed can give you a ride home.

00:43:29And I was like,

00:43:30no,

00:43:30I have my bike.

00:43:32I just biked back home,

00:43:34and I played Mario Kart the rest of the night,

00:43:36and that's the nicest I've ever been dressed playing Mario Kart.

00:43:42I wish I told you,

00:43:43and I got home,

00:43:44and then I was like,

00:43:44no,

00:43:44fuck that,

00:43:44I'm going to the dance.

00:43:45I didn't.

00:43:47Sad part is,

00:43:47I felt bad for being there,

00:43:48that's the embarrassing thing.

00:43:50No,

00:43:51like,

00:43:51who was I to ruin their picture-perfect celebration?

00:43:54No,

00:43:54you've seen movies,

00:43:55and I'm like that,

00:43:55come on,

00:43:55how many times do you see that on screen?

00:43:57And it's not like there were a bunch of toothless yokels,

00:43:59yelling,

00:43:59sand nigger from the back of the truck.

00:44:01I could let that just roll off my back.

00:44:02I'd eat it off their plates,

00:44:03I'd kiss their daughter.

00:44:05I didn't know that people could be bigoted,

00:44:08even as they were smiling at you.

00:44:10It's hard to understand when you see people saying that they love you,

00:44:13but they're afraid of you at the same time.

00:44:16I didn't know what that meant.

00:44:19That following Monday,

00:44:21during first period,

00:44:23she finds me.

00:44:24She finds me in front of my locker room.

00:44:25She's like,

00:44:25hey, listen,

00:44:25everybody's been asking why we didn't go,

00:44:27so please don't say anything.

00:44:28My parents are good people.

00:44:29It's a generational thing.

00:44:30Please don't say anything.

00:44:32And I look at her.

00:44:34Seven period rolls around like clockwork.

00:44:36Mr. Pendleton's like,

00:44:37so, lovebirds,

00:44:38what happened?

00:44:39Everybody's been wondering why you guys didn't go.

00:44:41So I'm sitting at my table,

00:44:42I'm like,

00:44:42yeah,

00:44:42what happened?

00:44:44Looking at her.

00:44:46And she just looks down at her book.

00:44:47Now everybody's looking at me.

00:44:49So now I've got to improvise.

00:44:50I was like,

00:44:50yeah,

00:44:50you know,

00:44:51I decided not to go.

00:44:54You know what I mean?

00:44:54Like dances are overrated.

00:44:55They're not my thing.

00:44:56So I decided,

00:44:57they're cliche.

00:44:57I decided not to go.

00:44:58And everybody in the class turned and looked at me.

00:45:00They're like,

00:45:00wow,

00:45:00you dick.

00:45:02You stood up the new girl.

00:45:03You're a fucking dick, dude.

00:45:04Thank God Jeff took her to prom.

00:45:05You're a dick.

00:45:07And that's the last time we ever spoke.

00:45:11And,

00:45:12you know,

00:45:14I'm grown,

00:45:15and time has passed,

00:45:16and I don't really think about that day.

00:45:17I mean,

00:45:18I did write a show about it,

00:45:19but,

00:45:20like a lot of people,

00:45:25but like a lot of people,

00:45:26right?

00:45:26Like,

00:45:28you move on.

00:45:29You move on to different chapters of your life.

00:45:32You have selective memory,

00:45:33right?

00:45:33You're in college,

00:45:34tools clear history.

00:45:35That was never me.

00:45:36You're out of college,

00:45:37tools clear history.

00:45:37Never did that.

00:45:39You're married,

00:45:40tools clear history.

00:45:40That never happened.

00:45:42Second marriage,

00:45:42tools clear history.

00:45:43Never happened.

00:45:45We compartmentalize things,

00:45:46but for the most part,

00:45:47I actually think about it the way my dad does.

00:45:49Aw!

00:45:50Oh, you couldn't go to prom

00:45:51with a white girl, bitch?

00:45:52You couldn't go?

00:45:52Who gives a fuck?

00:45:54At least your spine

00:45:55isn't getting shattered

00:45:56in the back of a police wagon

00:45:57the way it's happening

00:45:58to my African-American brothers and sisters

00:45:59in this country to this day.

00:46:01So if this is the tax

00:46:01that you have to pay for being here,

00:46:03I can pay it.

00:46:03Oh, thank you.

00:46:04I can't date your daughter.

00:46:05I don't give a fuck,

00:46:06Uncle Sam.

00:46:07Take it.

00:46:08But then I realized,

00:46:09wait, hold on.

00:46:10Why is it

00:46:11every time

00:46:13the collateral damage

00:46:13has to be death

00:46:14for us to talk about this?

00:46:16Like a kid has to get shot

00:46:17in the back 16 times

00:46:19for us to be like,

00:46:19maybe we have a race problem

00:46:20in this country.

00:46:21Maybe we're afraid of each other.

00:46:22For every Trayvon Martin

00:46:23or Ahmed the Clock Kid,

00:46:24there's shades of bigotry

00:46:25that happen every day

00:46:26between all of us

00:46:26because we're too afraid

00:46:28to let go of this idea

00:46:29of the other.

00:46:29Someone who's not in our tribe,

00:46:30you're other.

00:46:31And what sucks is,

00:46:31I wish I could tell

00:46:3218-year-old me,

00:46:33hey, man,

00:46:34don't let this experience define you.

00:46:37It's more complicated.

00:46:39It's good people and bad people.

00:46:40Find those,

00:46:40irrespective of creed class color,

00:46:42find those people

00:46:43because love intrinsically

00:46:44is bigger than fear.

00:46:45And I wish I could tell them that.

00:46:48Now, I really believe that.

00:46:57Now, I really believe

00:46:58love intrinsically

00:46:59is bigger than fear.

00:47:00Fox News has taught me that.

00:47:02Now, Fox News is incredible

00:47:04because I've never seen

00:47:05so many people with spray tans

00:47:07hate people of color.

00:47:08It is amazing.

00:47:11And Fox News

00:47:13is in New York.

00:47:16They're in New York.

00:47:17Daily Show, Fox News,

00:47:18like literally five avenues

00:47:19away from each other.

00:47:20That's it.

00:47:21Professor X Magneto,

00:47:22that close.

00:47:23And every day,

00:47:24I have to walk past their building

00:47:25during lunch.

00:47:26I'll see all the employees.

00:47:27Hannity, Coulter, O'Reilly,

00:47:29all of them will leave their building,

00:47:30cross the street,

00:47:32walk past me,

00:47:33and then line up

00:47:34for halal chicken and rice.

00:47:35Oh, my God.

00:47:37Oh, oh, oh.

00:47:39Racist Randy just wants that red sauce.

00:47:41I love it.

00:47:41I love that your brain can be racist.

00:47:43Your body will just betray you.

00:47:45I love that so much.

00:47:46Just all morning,

00:47:47like, Mexicans,

00:47:48All Lives Matter,

00:47:50A-Raps,

00:47:5012.01,

00:47:51sure my time.

00:47:52I love that so much.

00:47:55I wish I could tell

00:47:5718-year-old me that,

00:47:58but I can't

00:47:59because I don't have a time machine.

00:48:00I can't sell them that.

00:48:02You know what the shitty part is?

00:48:04The shitty part is,

00:48:05you know how when

00:48:05you first fall in love with someone,

00:48:07you get that first taste

00:48:08of the Heisenberg blue?

00:48:09It's like,

00:48:11it's never the same after that.

00:48:13I know there's people here

00:48:14with, like, their girlfriends

00:48:15or their significant others,

00:48:16like, no, babe,

00:48:16it's different with you.

00:48:17You're lying,

00:48:17and that's okay.

00:48:18But we had those first secrets,

00:48:21and I remember my secret was,

00:48:23I want to be a comedian,

00:48:24and she's like,

00:48:24I want to be a journalist,

00:48:25and we promised

00:48:25we would follow our dreams

00:48:27no matter what,

00:48:28no matter what people would think.

00:48:30And so I started doing comedy

00:48:32that next year.

00:48:32I wasn't very good.

00:48:33Two years,

00:48:34three years,

00:48:34four years,

00:48:34like six years,

00:48:36seven years.

00:48:37I finally get a chance

00:48:38to headline a comedy club.

00:48:40It's a big deal for me.

00:48:41Gotham Comedy Club,

00:48:42New York City,

00:48:43and I did what a lot

00:48:43of early comedians do.

00:48:44I got on Facebook.

00:48:46I got super cocky.

00:48:48I was like,

00:48:48yo,

00:48:49Facebook,

00:48:51your boy,

00:48:53headlining,

00:48:54Gotham Comedy Club.

00:48:55Let me know if you want

00:48:56some ticks,

00:48:57like,

00:48:57all caps,

00:48:57like,

00:48:58relax.

00:48:58I sent it.

00:48:59I was like,

00:49:00yeah,

00:49:00I'm a headliner,

00:49:01baby.

00:49:01Let's go to the airport.

00:49:02L.A.,

00:49:03Chicago,

00:49:04Nashville,

00:49:05New York.

00:49:05I'm flying southwest.

00:49:06I was like,

00:49:07ooh,

00:49:07I made it.

00:49:09Oh,

00:49:09hello.

00:49:11La Quinta Inn.

00:49:12Boop, boop.

00:49:12Don't mind if I do.

00:49:14Free Wi-Fi?

00:49:15Why not?

00:49:16Let's see what the internet's

00:49:17saying about your boy.

00:49:19I open up my laptop,

00:49:20I fire up Facebook,

00:49:21and then I see this.

00:49:24Hey,

00:49:26um,

00:49:26long time no see.

00:49:28You're doing comedy now.

00:49:31So cool.

00:49:33Listen,

00:49:34me and my girlfriends

00:49:35live in Manhattan,

00:49:36and we were wondering

00:49:38if we could get some ticks.

00:49:40Question mark.

00:49:41Okay.

00:49:42Mm.

00:49:45Mm.

00:49:47Mm.

00:49:49Mm.

00:49:49I don't know.

00:49:51I don't know if you know

00:49:52what this means,

00:49:53but,

00:49:54you know,

00:49:56if life gives you lemons,

00:49:57sometimes you've got to

00:49:59make a little revenge lemonade.

00:50:02Sprinkle in a little irony?

00:50:04Reply,

00:50:05so?

00:50:06Reply.

00:50:07Okay.

00:50:08Bethany,

00:50:09comma,

00:50:09enter.

00:50:12Totally remember you.

00:50:14Long time no see indeed.

00:50:17Where is it still?

00:50:18It's the other time.

00:50:20Where is it still?

00:50:20It's so long.

00:50:21Look at,

00:50:22what,

00:50:22seven years.

00:50:23A lot of time.

00:50:24Listen,

00:50:24I'd love to give you some ticks,

00:50:29but we're going to be taking

00:50:31a lot of photos tonight.

00:50:37And I don't think

00:50:38it'd be a good fit.

00:50:39Send that shit!

00:50:40Send that shit right now!

00:50:42Send that shit!

00:50:43Right now!

00:50:44I send that shit!

00:50:44I jump off stage!

00:50:46I run to the club!

00:50:47I jump off stage!

00:50:48I grab the microphone!

00:50:48I don't even know what I said!

00:50:50I was like,

00:50:50throw off that bitch,

00:50:51but that bitch goodnight!

00:50:52Boom!

00:50:53I go to the airport!

00:50:54We go from New York,

00:50:56Chicago,

00:50:57to Nashville,

00:50:57to LA!

00:50:58I pick up my Toyota Camry,

00:51:00L,

00:51:01motherfucking E!

00:51:02Don't you ever forget about it!

00:51:03Cloth interior for life!

00:51:05Whipping through

00:51:06the streets of LA!

00:51:08Hello,

00:51:09what's up?

00:51:09Headliner,

00:51:10what do you need?

00:51:10What?

00:51:10I got you!

00:51:11Hustle by,

00:51:11come home!

00:51:12Dad had a heart attack!

00:51:13Hey!

00:51:15Idiot!

00:51:16Pick up your phone!

00:51:17I need you!

00:51:18Dad had a heart attack!

00:51:20And my dad had just suffered

00:51:21a quintessential bypass!

00:51:23So they're rushing him

00:51:24to the hospital!

00:51:26Aisha goes,

00:51:26come home now!

00:51:28I was like,

00:51:29yeah,

00:51:29I got a set at the comedy store!

00:51:32So I'm gonna do that,

00:51:33then I'll come home!

00:51:35And I went,

00:51:36and I did a set

00:51:37at the comedy store!

00:51:39And then I drove home!

00:51:42And I don't know why,

00:51:43I got to Kaiser,

00:51:46and we're upstairs,

00:51:48my mom and my sister,

00:51:49they're crying,

00:51:49and my sister looks at me,

00:51:50she's responsible,

00:51:51she's like,

00:51:52they don't know what you did,

00:51:53I do!

00:51:54Doctor sees me,

00:51:55comes up to me,

00:51:55are you a son?

00:51:56Yeah!

00:51:57You over 18?

00:51:57Yeah, sign this!

00:51:59I sign this waiver

00:52:00that clears the hospital

00:52:03with any liability

00:52:03if something happens

00:52:04to my dad.

00:52:06The surgery's that risky!

00:52:08And I'm signing this piece of paper,

00:52:10and I'm looking at him,

00:52:10and I feel like I'm signing

00:52:13a death certificate.

00:52:15His body temperature's so low

00:52:17that he looks blue!

00:52:19And I wheel him into surgery,

00:52:20and I hand the clipboard

00:52:21back to the doctor,

00:52:23and I take one last look

00:52:24at my dad,

00:52:24and I'm like,

00:52:25man, if this is the last time

00:52:26I've seen my dad,

00:52:27I'm saying goodbye

00:52:29to a person

00:52:29I barely even know.

00:52:33And I'm waiting,

00:52:34and I'm hoping

00:52:34that he comes out of surgery okay,

00:52:35somehow he makes it through.

00:52:39So we're sitting there

00:52:40in the hospital,

00:52:42and I have to tell him stories,

00:52:43so I'm telling him stories

00:52:43about my life,

00:52:44he's telling me stories

00:52:45about his life,

00:52:47so I tell him the prom story.

00:52:49And he goes,

00:52:50Hasan, I'm mad at you.

00:52:52I was like,

00:52:52I know I kissed a girl,

00:52:54I'll never do it again.

00:52:57He goes,

00:52:57no,

00:52:59why didn't you forgive Bethany?

00:53:02I couldn't understand,

00:53:04he wanted to be the bigger person again.

00:53:07I was like,

00:53:07why?

00:53:08He goes,

00:53:09come on, Hasan,

00:53:09you know when I first immigrated

00:53:10to this country in 1982,

00:53:12everything I saw on TV,

00:53:13I thought if I let you go

00:53:14to a school dance,

00:53:15you would join a gang,

00:53:16get a girl pregnant,

00:53:17and become a drug dealer

00:53:18all in one night.

00:53:19So I wanted to protect you,

00:53:21and her family,

00:53:22they saw stuff on TV about us,

00:53:23they wanted to protect their daughter.

00:53:24You're afraid of me,

00:53:25she's afraid of them,

00:53:26everybody's afraid of everybody,

00:53:27but Hasan,

00:53:27you're afraid of me,

00:53:28you're afraid of me,

00:53:29you're afraid of me,

00:53:30you're afraid of me,

00:53:34Hasan, you have to be brave,

00:53:40and your courage to do what's right

00:53:43has to be greater

00:53:44than your fear of getting hurt.

00:53:46So Hasan, be brave,

00:53:48Hasan, be brave.

00:53:50It's a very beautiful poem,

00:53:51I think about it all the time,

00:53:53and look,

00:53:55there's some days

00:53:55where I can forgive that person,

00:53:57I'm like, look,

00:53:58the past is the past,

00:53:59tools, clear history,

00:54:00it's done.

00:54:00Then there's other days

00:54:01where I'm like,

00:54:02nah, fuck that,

00:54:02this is house of cards,

00:54:03we crush our enemies,

00:54:04and I go back and forth,

00:54:06I didn't know how to feel about it

00:54:07until this.

00:54:08Pizza Hut new big pizza sliders

00:54:10are here,

00:54:11getting that in a box

00:54:12for just 10 bucks.

00:54:1410 bucks.

00:54:15Match up to three ways.

00:54:17Three?

00:54:19Cheese.

00:54:20Big, delicious sliders

00:54:21only at your Pizza Hut,

00:54:23and that's how you make it great.

00:54:26All right, so,

00:54:26so this airs

00:54:28during March Madness,

00:54:31everyone sees it,

00:54:32the night this airs,

00:54:33friends send me text messages,

00:54:35hey man,

00:54:37by any chance

00:54:37do you know

00:54:38how many pizza sliders

00:54:39you get in a box

00:54:39for just 10 bucks?

00:54:46It's like, nine!

00:54:48Is it true?

00:54:49You can mix and match

00:54:50up to three ways?

00:54:54Yes, three, yes!

00:54:55Buddy of mine

00:54:56sends me the screen,

00:54:57don't you see this?

00:54:57Screen grab.

00:54:58Just saw my high school prom day

00:55:04in a pizza ad.

00:55:06Hashtag throwback.

00:55:08Hashtag it's a small world.

00:55:10Hashtag brilliant.

00:55:13To which I reply,

00:55:16man,

00:55:16we didn't end up going though.

00:55:20How have you been?

00:55:23Hashtag Mr. Pete.

00:55:26Hashtag count.

00:55:28To which she replies,

00:55:31I know,

00:55:33made for a better tweet though.

00:55:36Let me know when you're in New York.

00:55:39To which I reply,

00:55:41abso-fucking-lutely.

00:55:43Now,

00:55:44against the advice of my therapist,

00:55:45I go down a little Facebook rabbit hole

00:55:47because she has a public profile

00:55:48and that's her fault.

00:55:49So I start clicking around.

00:55:51Bethany Reed.

00:55:52Okay.

00:55:53Lives in Manhattan.

00:55:54Duh, we knew that.

00:55:56In a relationship with,

00:55:58I click on it.

00:56:16Rajesh.

00:56:17Rangat.

00:56:18Ramanajanana.

00:56:20She is dating an Indian dude

00:56:22and this dude is Indian as fuck.

00:56:25Oh my God,

00:56:25look at his name.

00:56:26Look how big his name is.

00:56:29It's so big,

00:56:30it barely fits in his Facebook profile.

00:56:33So big.

00:56:34Ten syllables.

00:56:36Rajesh.

00:56:37Rangat.

00:56:38Ramanajanana.

00:56:41Are you fucking kidding me?

00:56:42You know how many letters are on the alphabet?

00:56:44How many letters are on the alphabet?

00:56:45How many letters are on the alphabet?

00:56:46There's 26 letters in the alphabet, right?

00:56:48You know how many letters are on Rajesh,

00:56:49Rangat,

00:56:49Ramanajanana.

00:56:5025.

00:56:51That's one less letter

00:56:52than the entire alphabet.

00:56:54Come on.

00:56:56How easy is my name?

00:56:57Hasan Minhaj.

00:56:57So easy.

00:56:57She's like, fuck that.

00:56:58Give me Rajesh,

00:56:59Rangat,

00:56:59Ramanajanana.

00:57:00Give me the Rajesh Rangat,

00:57:02Ramanajanana.

00:57:03Motherfucking Jananana.

00:57:05I'm like, no.

00:57:06God is laughing at me.

00:57:07God is laughing at me.

00:57:08Now,

00:57:09against the advice of my therapist,

00:57:11I make contact.

00:57:14She's like,

00:57:14do not make contact.

00:57:15I'm like,

00:57:15hey,

00:57:16I pay you to tell me what I want to hear.

00:57:17She's like,

00:57:17if you need closure,

00:57:18go for it.

00:57:19Thank you, Janet.

00:57:19I'll see you next week.

00:57:20Therapy is bullshit.

00:57:21I was like,

00:57:21Bethany,

00:57:22crazy situation.

00:57:23I got a gig in New York next week.

00:57:24I didn't.

00:57:25I would love to meet up.

00:57:26She's like,

00:57:26yeah,

00:57:26let's meet up.

00:57:27Let's meet up.

00:57:28I go from LA to New York.

00:57:31Direct flight.

00:57:31Pizza Hut money.

00:57:32I'm walking through the streets of New York.

00:57:34I'm livid.

00:57:35I'm pissed.

00:57:36I'm like,

00:57:37what?

00:57:37How is this possible?

00:57:38How is this possible?

00:57:39Rajesh Rangat,

00:57:40how does she even make love to this guy?

00:57:43Oh my God,

00:57:44Rajesh Rangat,

00:57:44Ramanajanana.

00:57:45Give it to me right now.

00:57:47You Rajesh Rangat,

00:57:48Ramanajanana.

00:57:49I want you so bad.

00:57:50Put your Rajesh in my Rangat,

00:57:52Ramanajanana.

00:57:52Stop it.

00:57:55Stop imagining her

00:57:56having sex with Rajesh Rangat,

00:57:58Ramanajanana.

00:58:00You got leverage.

00:58:02Walk in there.

00:58:03Be cool.

00:58:03Walk in there.

00:58:04Be confident.

00:58:05Be like this, dude.

00:58:06Walk in there

00:58:07and just own it.

00:58:08Be like this, man.

00:58:10Be like this.

00:58:11Be like.

00:58:18What's up?

00:58:19I was like,

00:58:19yeah,

00:58:20do that with this

00:58:21and then lick the lips

00:58:22and go,

00:58:22what's up?

00:58:23It's like,

00:58:23yeah,

00:58:24I'm practicing it.

00:58:25Get to the door.

00:58:25Yeah,

00:58:26yeah.

00:58:26Open the door.

00:58:28Then I hear,

00:58:28hey,

00:58:28Ahsan.

00:58:30She's sitting outside.

00:58:33She saw me do this shit

00:58:34in the street.

00:58:35And I was like,

00:58:42oh, hey,

00:58:43what's up?

00:58:45Someone's sitting there?

00:58:46Cool.

00:58:47I just like walk up

00:58:48and I'm like,

00:58:48all right,

00:58:49yeah.

00:58:50I'm just sitting here,

00:58:51cool.

00:58:51All right.

00:58:53I'm sitting there.

00:58:54You know how when you see

00:58:55someone from your past

00:58:56and all of a sudden

00:58:58you're that age all over again?

00:59:00So all that Kanye juice

00:59:01just goes out of my body.

00:59:05I'm sitting there

00:59:06and I can't say anything.

00:59:07It's like when the adults

00:59:08and Charlie Brown talk,

00:59:09like wah, wah, wah.

00:59:09I just can't say anything.

00:59:1120 minutes,

00:59:1230 minutes,

00:59:1240 minutes.

00:59:13I'm like,

00:59:13dude,

00:59:13are you not going to,

00:59:14are you going to be a dart book again?

00:59:16Say something.

00:59:18She starts talking about rent control

00:59:19and I just cut her off

00:59:21and I was like,

00:59:21Bethany,

00:59:22do you know why I'm here?

00:59:24I'm here to talk about prom.

00:59:29And her face went white.

00:59:33You guys knew she was white, right?

00:59:35Like it went whiter than white.

00:59:37And I was like,

00:59:38look,

00:59:38you knew my situation.

00:59:39You knew it.

00:59:40I was ride or die for you.

00:59:41At that age,

00:59:42that's a lot.

00:59:43You weren't the same for me.

00:59:44Fine.

00:59:44Whatever.

00:59:45But then what makes matters worse is

00:59:47you had me socially crucified

00:59:49in front of everybody.

00:59:50You knew how hard it was

00:59:51for me growing up.

00:59:52And then,

00:59:53I was so insecure at that age

00:59:54that I couldn't even date

00:59:56another white person

00:59:56because I was afraid

00:59:57of being with them

00:59:58and then not being able

00:59:59to be with them

01:00:00because of something

01:00:00I can't control

01:00:01like the color of my skin.

01:00:02Do you know what that's like?

01:00:04And now,

01:00:05what makes matters worse,

01:00:05I'm trying to pursue my dreams.

01:00:06I'm trying.

01:00:08But now you're out here,

01:00:09you're writing about me,

01:00:10you act like we're cool

01:00:11when we're not.

01:00:14Why do you do that?

01:00:17And she was like,

01:00:17I am so sorry

01:00:20but you know

01:00:22we were 18, right?

01:00:25Like,

01:00:26I really wanted to go with you

01:00:27but my mom,

01:00:29she's very controlling

01:00:30and do you have any idea

01:00:31what it's like

01:00:32to have a parent

01:00:32that controls every aspect

01:00:33of your life?

01:00:35And I was like,

01:00:36no, I don't.

01:00:36What is that like?

01:00:37You tell.

01:00:37I would love to hear that story.

01:00:39No, no, no.

01:00:40I don't even know.

01:00:41What?

01:00:45She's like,

01:00:47listen,

01:00:47I wish I could have gone with you

01:00:48but I can't change the past.

01:00:51And for what it's worth,

01:00:52I never thought you'd ever

01:00:53want to talk to me

01:00:54ever again.

01:00:55But the reason why

01:00:56I write about you

01:00:57is because I see you.

01:00:59You're out there.

01:00:59You kept your promise.

01:01:01So even if you never

01:01:02want to talk to me

01:01:03ever again,

01:01:04I'll always be rooting for you.

01:01:08You know how you

01:01:09carry hatred in your heart

01:01:10like this

01:01:11about people in your past.

01:01:12They did this,

01:01:13this, and this to me.

01:01:14Fuck them.

01:01:15Tell them.

01:01:18In that moment,

01:01:20I let it go.

01:01:22I crushed it

01:01:23like a Voldemort Horcrux.

01:01:24It's like that.

01:01:25Bah.

01:01:26Bah.

01:01:33But then

01:01:34I had to ask her

01:01:34the question

01:01:35that we're all thinking.

01:01:40What about Mr. Rengad

01:01:42Romana Jananam?

01:01:42How is that possible?

01:01:44And she's like,

01:01:44look, when I moved to New York,

01:01:45I hit it off with this guy.

01:01:46We start dating.

01:01:46We decide to move in together.

01:01:47And then I needed money

01:01:48for a deposit.

01:01:49So I called my mom

01:01:50to help me with it.

01:01:50And I was like,

01:01:51yeah, what did your mom say?

01:01:52And she's like,

01:01:53my mom was like,

01:01:53no, I'm not going to help you

01:01:54with that.

01:01:54Do you know the way

01:01:55our family is?

01:01:56So make up your mind.

01:01:59And I was like,

01:01:59well, what did you say?

01:02:01And she's like,

01:02:01I told my mom,

01:02:02not again.

01:02:03This isn't high school

01:02:05all over again.

01:02:06Raj is a good person

01:02:07and so am I.

01:02:08So I'm going to be with him

01:02:08because it's the right thing to do.

01:02:10I hope you make up your mind.

01:02:14And I'm looking at her

01:02:15and I'm so embarrassed.

01:02:20I'm like,

01:02:20dude, what are you doing?

01:02:24Why are you hunting down

01:02:25people from your past

01:02:26like a psycho?

01:02:28You're not Liam Neeson.

01:02:31What is going on?

01:02:34And then I realized

01:02:35you don't even give a shit

01:02:35about this person.

01:02:36I didn't.

01:02:37I care about what she represents, man.

01:02:39For all of us growing up,

01:02:40you just want that cosign.

01:02:42Go to people telling

01:02:43you're good enough.

01:02:43That cosign being like,

01:02:44hey, come here, sit here.

01:02:45You're good enough.

01:02:46You're valid.

01:02:47But that's not the American dream.

01:02:48It's not reaching out

01:02:49and asking for a cosign.

01:02:50It's doing what every generation

01:02:51did before you.

01:02:52You claim that shit

01:02:53on your own terms.

01:02:54You did that on your own.

01:02:55Pizza, pizza ciders.

01:02:56Nine in a box

01:02:56for just ten bucks.

01:02:57That's you.

01:02:59You don't even do that

01:03:00on your own.

01:03:00You're not Hasan Minhaj.

01:03:02You're Hasan Minhaj.

01:03:03This is new, Brown America.

01:03:04The dream is for you to take.

01:03:05So take that shit.

01:03:07Stop blaming other people.

01:03:15Now I'm standing outside

01:03:16of the restaurant

01:03:17and I can't even concentrate

01:03:19because I know

01:03:20she's more evolved than me.

01:03:22And she's like,

01:03:22hey, listen,

01:03:23next time you're in New York,

01:03:24me, you, and Rod

01:03:24should hang out.

01:03:25I'm like, yeah,

01:03:25let's not do that.

01:03:26And I'm walking

01:03:26to the subway station

01:03:28but I take one last look

01:03:30at the restaurant

01:03:31just to see her one last time

01:03:33to know that generational change

01:03:36is possible with one choice.

01:03:38I turn around and I look

01:03:40but she's gone

01:03:42and I never saw her again.

01:03:46I did keep my promise though

01:03:48and I kept doing comedy.

01:03:50I never knew

01:03:51I never knew if

01:03:53I would do anything

01:03:54more than Pizza Hut.

01:03:56You know?

01:03:56And you know how you hit

01:03:57that point in your career

01:03:58when your parents give up on you

01:03:59and they move on

01:04:00to the next child?

01:04:01They're like,

01:04:01we tried with Hasan,

01:04:02let's move on to Aisha.

01:04:03And one day I get an email

01:04:05from my manager,

01:04:06hey, do you want to audition

01:04:06for The Daily Show?

01:04:08Question mark.

01:04:08That's not a question mark email.

01:04:09That's a statement email

01:04:10like, hey, Pizza Hut,

01:04:11audition for The Daily Show.

01:04:12So I submit a tape.

01:04:13Two days later,

01:04:14I get a call.

01:04:15She's like, hey,

01:04:15John Stewart saw your tape.

01:04:16They want you to come to New York.

01:04:18They want you to audition

01:04:19but you have to write

01:04:24another original piece.

01:04:26Can you write

01:04:27another original piece?

01:04:28I was like, no,

01:04:28I can't.

01:04:29What?

01:04:29I can't make lightning strike twice.

01:04:30I'm not Larry David.

01:04:31I can't do Seinfeld and Curb.

01:04:33I can't do that.

01:04:34I'm a mere mortal.

01:04:34I'm walking back and forth

01:04:36in my shitty

01:04:36one-bedroom apartment.

01:04:37I'm looking at my air mattress.

01:04:38I'm like,

01:04:38I'm going to fucking die here.

01:04:39And it's amazing

01:04:40how racism will always happen to you

01:04:43when you need it the most.

01:04:44Right?

01:04:45It's like changing the oil

01:04:47on your car.

01:04:47You're like, oh, 15,000 miles.

01:04:48Racism.

01:04:49So I'm watching this show

01:04:50called Real Time with Bill Maher.

01:04:52You guys seen the show

01:04:53Real Time with Bill Maher, right?

01:04:54You know Bill's general demeanor, right?

01:04:57He's like, hey,

01:04:58do you believe in God?

01:04:59You're a fucking idiot.

01:05:00And everyone's like,

01:05:01oh, the atheist prophet speaks.

01:05:04So he was on the show.

01:05:05Remember this clip went viral.

01:05:06Him, Ben Affleck, right?

01:05:08Bill Maher's like,

01:05:08I don't know, man,

01:05:09these Muslim people,

01:05:1085% of them hate our freedom.

01:05:12We've got to round it up.

01:05:12We've got to accommodate.

01:05:13We've got to figure out

01:05:14how to contain them.

01:05:15And Ben Affleck's like,

01:05:16whoa, whoa, whoa, are you crazy?

01:05:18Round them up, contain them.

01:05:19Dude, we did that to the Japanese.

01:05:21You can't just do that to people.

01:05:22Am I crazy?

01:05:23And I was like,

01:05:23no, no, you're not crazy.

01:05:26You're my white prince.

01:05:30Don't you realize

01:05:31what happened in that moment?

01:05:33We got our first A-list celebrity

01:05:35to back the Muslim community.

01:05:36We got Batman, baby.

01:05:38He may not be the hero we want,

01:05:39but he is the hero.

01:05:41The Muslim world needs.

01:05:42And I was like,

01:05:43that's the piece,

01:05:43Batman versus Bill Maher.

01:05:44I write the piece

01:05:45and from L.A. to New York,

01:05:46ding dong, welcome to The Daily Show.

01:05:47That's not how it is,

01:05:48but you get it, right?

01:05:49The producer, he answers the door.

01:05:50He's like, hey, come on in,

01:05:51run your audition with me.

01:05:52When you're ready,

01:05:53John will come down, okay?

01:05:55So just run it with me.

01:05:56We're walking down the hallway

01:05:57of The Daily Show

01:05:57and I see all these photos

01:05:59of the old correspondents

01:06:01that came before me.

01:06:03Steve Carell,

01:06:05John Oliver,

01:06:06Sam B,

01:06:07Jason Jones,

01:06:08Ed Helms,

01:06:10Stephen Colbert.

01:06:11I'm Kimah Roti,

01:06:15me.

01:06:17No, come on,

01:06:17you know we don't end up this far.

01:06:19You know the way it is for us.

01:06:20Middle management till we die.

01:06:21Cube Life till we die life.

01:06:22We're not on that stage ever.

01:06:26I walk into the studio

01:06:27and I see that Daily Show Globe.

01:06:28It's so blue.

01:06:29I can't tell you how blue it is.

01:06:31And now I'm like sweating

01:06:32through my suit.

01:06:34The producer's like,

01:06:34hey man, just sit down with me.

01:06:35We'll run it a few times.

01:06:36And I sit down

01:06:37and I get to the desk.

01:06:40And sitting presidents

01:06:40have sat on the desk.

01:06:42I sit down

01:06:42and we're running it the first time

01:06:44and I'm nervous.

01:06:45He goes, hey man,

01:06:46just slow down, all right?

01:06:49We run it a second time.

01:06:50Now I'm stuttering.

01:06:52And he goes,

01:06:52hey man, relax.

01:06:54You're funny.

01:06:56Which is a telltale sign

01:06:57of someone being like,

01:06:58hey man,

01:06:59you're not funny.

01:07:01You probably shouldn't relax.

01:07:03And now I can feel it.

01:07:05I'm choking.

01:07:05We've all been there.

01:07:06Everyone's going to be like,

01:07:07hey man, how'd it go?

01:07:08And you're going to be like,

01:07:08pray your hands,

01:07:08positive thoughts, aye-yay.

01:07:10No, it's not happening.

01:07:12You're not.

01:07:13You are choking.

01:07:14MCAT, D-A-T.

01:07:15You're going to the Caribbean.

01:07:16It's a wrap.

01:07:17You choked.

01:07:17Right?

01:07:18Too real?

01:07:19It's real.

01:07:19We've all been there.

01:07:20And I'm like, fuck.

01:07:22I can feel this turtle head

01:07:23coming out of my butt.

01:07:24I'm really nervous.

01:07:25I'm pooping my pants.

01:07:26I'm like, no.

01:07:27We're about to run it

01:07:28for a third time.

01:07:28Then I hear,

01:07:29and I know that voice.

01:07:33It's Jewish Yoda.

01:07:33It's John.

01:07:35But he's walking

01:07:37through the tunnel

01:07:38where all the guests come.

01:07:40So he's just backlit.

01:07:41So I just see a giant shadow

01:07:44walking towards me.

01:07:46And I can hear his accomplishments

01:07:48in each step.

01:07:49Just like, boom!

01:07:50I am Jon Stewart.

01:07:53Boom!

01:07:5422-time Emmy Award winning

01:07:55Jon Stewart.

01:07:57Boom!

01:07:58I redefined political satire

01:08:00and comedy.

01:08:01What have you done?

01:08:02I'm like, I don't know.

01:08:03Have you heard of Pizza Hut?

01:08:05He's like, man.

01:08:13Then he steps into the light

01:08:15and he's shorter than I thought.

01:08:18He has all this scruff on his face.

01:08:21And I look at him

01:08:22and I'm like,

01:08:24dad?

01:08:26like he had jewish najmi vibes he shakes my hand i could feel it i felt like he had slapped me in

01:08:33a previous life i was like i know this hand we're sitting there he starts riffing i start riffing

01:08:37he starts ringing i've got everything the prompter guy's like i don't know what the

01:08:39fuck you guys are doing i'm like i got this prompter guy i had it all memorized in my head

01:08:42one shot mom's spaghetti eight mile and i stuck my landing like a motherfucking russian gymnast

01:08:47i was like thank you sir thank you for the opportunity and i tucked that toilet back on

01:08:50my button we're going home i walk out the door but then i hear a voice behind me hey man where

01:08:56you going and it's john i was like oh i live in la i gotta go back to la oh well i'll see you monday

01:09:08right i was like why well you work here so i'll see you monday right

01:09:21i couldn't believe it i was like the oscar speeds go you gotta say what you gotta say what i wanted

01:09:27to say was john this is one of the only things that i've gotten in my entire career that my dad actually

01:09:36knows so thank you but what i said was john my dad knows you

01:09:50and he's like yeah i'm sure he does all right man i'll see you monday he walks upstairs you're not

01:10:03just gordon blevet you're hussein minhatch you don't read the daily show i run outside it's one of those

01:10:07crazy new york days i call my girl she's crying i call my mom she's crying i call my dad he says good

01:10:13job what good job say it again i can't hear you dad say it a car almost hits me bam like no i can't die

01:10:23i gotta drop the greatest status update known to man i run upstairs i open up my laptop i fire up

01:10:27facebook and then i see this

01:10:43you guys see this right

01:10:44don't you know what this means don't you get it

01:10:54i'm the cure for racism

01:10:55all right maybe i didn't cure it but everyone has a definitive purpose in life right some people

01:11:05are put here to find a cure for cancer or find a vaccine for ebola my life is definitive proof

01:11:12that once you go brown you got to lock that down

01:11:31good night

01:11:42good night

01:12:01good night

01:12:08good night

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