Iliza Shlesinger Confirmed Kills (2016) Watch HD

Media Key

Iliza Shlesinger: Confirmed Comedy (2016) is a stand-up special featuring the hilarious comedian Iliza Shlesinger as she delivers witty observations, clever storytelling, and relatable humor. Through sharp jokes and engaging performances, she explores everyday situations in a way that is entertaining and fun for audiences.   With lively energy and character-driven humor, Iliza Shlesinger: Confirmed Comedy (2016) emphasizes clever insights, creativity, and laughter. Its family-friendly approach makes it suitable for viewers who enjoy comedy without adult-only content.   Perfect for fans of stand-up comedy, witty humor, and engaging performances, this special delivers laughs, entertaining stories, and memorable comedic moments.

Transcript

00:00:00Chicago, are you ready?

00:00:15Party Gotham, are you ready?

00:00:21Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Eliza!

00:00:30Thank you for having me, I'd like to discuss something with you, there are two kinds of hungover.

00:01:01There's the kind of hungover where you wake up the next morning and you're like, what?

00:01:05I touched his penis over his jeans? It's okay, I'm sassy.

00:01:09And then, there's the kind of hungover where whatever happened the night before wasn't even your fault.

00:01:18Because you weren't mentally present for any of it.

00:01:23For it was not you that was in charge, it was your party goblin!

00:01:32Goblin!

00:01:33Just so you know, your party goblin sleeps in the back of your brain.

00:01:44For those of you that are unfamiliar with my work, she sleeps in the back of your brain and she waits on a pile of rags and regrets an old Tiger Beat magazine.

00:01:53She waits!

00:01:54She waits!

00:01:55For the perfect opportunity.

00:01:58She waits!

00:01:59She's back there in your brain, sleeping her goblin sleep, just...

00:02:05Janning Tatum, stick of butter.

00:02:11And she will awaken when she hears you say, I guess I'll just come out for one drink.

00:02:26I'll just come out for one, because I have to be up early.

00:02:42Eat that sandwich out of the garbage and text your ex-boyfriend that you love him, then turn your phone off!

00:02:56And by the way, there's zero culpability on the part of your party goblin.

00:03:07She's not there the next morning.

00:03:10You'll be like, oh my god, are you okay?

00:03:11Do you need penia?

00:03:12I'm like, no!

00:03:13She doesn't give a fuck.

00:03:15She straight up ghosts at like 3am when you're shit-faced in the back of an Uber, right?

00:03:22You scooped yourself into the back of this car.

00:03:24Your crowning achievement of the evening is that you didn't die.

00:03:29And we've all had that moment.

00:03:31Anybody that's been out drinking.

00:03:33You've been out, it's been loud.

00:03:34There's been people yelling.

00:03:35There's been people dancing.

00:03:36You stole an ambulance.

00:03:37It's been a crazy night.

00:03:39We've all had that moment of solitary drunken serenity, where you get in the back of the car and you shut the door.

00:03:45And for the first time all night, it's quiet.

00:03:49And you think, oh my god, I made it.

00:03:55Followed by, I'm gonna throw up.

00:03:57And the car is going.

00:03:58You're like, oh, fuck!

00:04:00You're trying to hold it in, right?

00:04:01You roll the window down.

00:04:02You're like, ah, it's too much air!

00:04:04You roll the window back up.

00:04:05You're like, it's too much me!

00:04:07You crack the window.

00:04:08You're like, yeah!

00:04:09The vomit's coming up.

00:04:11It's right here like A1 steak sauce.

00:04:13It gets you here.

00:04:14You're like, ah, ah!

00:04:15You're trying to focus on anything to distract you.

00:04:17You're listening to the radio for the first time in your life.

00:04:20You're paying attention to the words of a Pitbull song.

00:04:23You're like, uno, dos, tres.

00:04:26We got it!

00:04:27We got it!

00:04:28You look over at Party Goblin.

00:04:30She's loving it.

00:04:31She's got her head out her window like, yeah!

00:04:36And you know it's your Party Goblin that got you

00:04:39by the manner in which you wake up the next morning.

00:04:42If you wake up.

00:04:43If you wake up Chicago.

00:04:45You wake up.

00:04:46When Party Goblin gets you, you wake up on your couch.

00:04:49Beds are for closers.

00:04:50You wake up on your couch, okay?

00:04:52You ever pass out on a pillow so hard you get a cushion scar

00:04:56down the side of your face?

00:05:01You wake up.

00:05:02No idea where you are.

00:05:03No idea where you were.

00:05:04You check your wrist.

00:05:05It's just a dirty patchwork of entry stamps.

00:05:10Putting the pieces together from the night before

00:05:12is like the plot from Memento.

00:05:13No idea.

00:05:16You check your Instagram feed.

00:05:18It's just a blurry feed of pictures.

00:05:19You took your own face from this angle.

00:05:21It's just me and three girls in a bathroom in East L.A.

00:05:26like squad goals.

00:05:27Who the fuck are they?

00:05:30I don't know, but I think I'm in the gang now, right?

00:05:33No idea what you did the night before.

00:05:36You know when Party Goblin gets you

00:05:38by the amount that you sleep.

00:05:40I slept for 15 hours the other day.

00:05:43I slept so long my muscles atrophied.

00:05:46Okay?

00:05:47I turned to fucking stone.

00:05:48You ever pass out with your full body weight on your hands?

00:05:51Like...

00:05:55No blood in, no blood out.

00:05:56Your hands are just purple bloated flippers.

00:06:00I slept so long I almost died.

00:06:03Like there was a point at around 4 p.m.

00:06:05where my soul was like,

00:06:06should I just go?

00:06:17There's different kinds of drunks.

00:06:19Some people think they get a lot smarter when they're drunk.

00:06:21Some people want to talk when they're drunk.

00:06:22The Latin phrase for this is in vino veritas,

00:06:24which means in wine there's truth.

00:06:26Which is why when girls get drunk we're always like...

00:06:29Can I just tell you a secret?

00:06:41I don't have a neck.

00:06:43And I don't really make a lot of drunk mistakes.

00:06:50But I worry when I make dumb decisions when I'm drunk

00:06:52for this simple fact.

00:06:54In my group of friends, I'm the alpha.

00:06:56I decide what we do, obviously.

00:06:58I pick the restaurants, I pick the bars,

00:07:01mostly because no one cares.

00:07:02But I am the decision maker.

00:07:04And what worries me is if I'm doing stupid shit when I'm drunk,

00:07:07what hope do the sheep who I lead have?

00:07:13And that's my example.

00:07:16So this is the story of one such night.

00:07:18So we were out the other night,

00:07:19and we were shit-canned.

00:07:21Like, the kind of drunk where you can't even read.

00:07:28And then you realize it's because you're in Chinatown.

00:07:37Actually, you know you're fucked up when you're in Chinatown,

00:07:44and you can read.

00:07:46Ancient secrets, not so hidden.

00:07:51So, we're drunk, and we're walking through Chinatown,

00:07:54and we walk into a bar.

00:07:58I'm reticent to say that it's a club because I'm 33,

00:08:00but there's a dance floor and a DJ,

00:08:02and I had on, like, a little bit of body glitter.

00:08:03Okay.

00:08:07Right about now, you're probably wondering,

00:08:08Eliza, why are you wearing body glitter?

00:08:10I will tell you, Chicago,

00:08:12because my date was late to pick me up.

00:08:14Gentlemen.

00:08:17You need to know this about women.

00:08:19When we get ready, we have a list of things we do

00:08:23to reach our most attractive point.

00:08:25There is an apex, nay, a pinnacle of beauty,

00:08:29that women reach when they're getting ready.

00:08:31And every minute you're late to get us

00:08:34is one more minute we spend doubting ourselves,

00:08:36dicking with our makeup,

00:08:38and we get incrementally uglier

00:08:40as time goes on.

00:08:48One time, my date was an hour late,

00:08:50I grew a tail.

00:08:54This guy was only 30 minutes late, thank God.

00:08:56He walks in, I'm on the ground,

00:08:58there's caboodle shrapnel everywhere.

00:09:01I've got a wet and wild lip gloss wand.

00:09:03I'm like, I'm a pretty girl.

00:09:07Save yourself.

00:09:10But what happens is,

00:09:11we have time.

00:09:12So we start to add things,

00:09:14doubt ourselves.

00:09:15That's where I found that glitter.

00:09:19What's this?

00:09:20In hindsight, it wasn't body glitter.

00:09:23It was straight up craft glitter.

00:09:26But I was like, I'm gonna put it on my face,

00:09:27make it dainty.

00:09:28Do you ever feel that?

00:09:29Do you ever feel that you can make something work?

00:09:32Do you ever feel that because you're not trashy,

00:09:34you can pull off doing something that's trashy?

00:09:37You're like, I can wear fishnet stockings.

00:09:44I went to Stanford.

00:09:45Like, it's okay for some reason.

00:09:49That's how I felt about that body glitter.

00:09:50I was like, I'll just do a little bit.

00:09:51I'll do a classy amount, right?

00:09:53I've got some time,

00:09:54so I'm just gonna do like a little bit.

00:09:55You know what, fun fact,

00:09:56you know what body glitter up close looks like?

00:09:57Conjunctivitis.

00:09:58Like, real up close.

00:10:00I'll do a little bit.

00:10:01Five more minutes later,

00:10:02I'm like, maybe I'll just do it here

00:10:03and I'll bring it down.

00:10:04I'll just highlight the orbital rim.

00:10:05That way, when we're dancing,

00:10:07the light will hit it

00:10:08and it'll be like,

00:10:09Bing! Anime!

00:10:10Ah!

00:10:11Okay, good.

00:10:12Keep going.

00:10:13Keep going.

00:10:14Five more minutes later,

00:10:15maybe I'll just bring a little bit down here

00:10:16and highlight the jawbone

00:10:17so he knows I, what,

00:10:19come from good chewing stock?

00:10:21I don't...

00:10:22No, no, no.

00:10:23Five more minutes later, sparkle fish.

00:10:24So now,

00:10:26I look like a goddamn road flare

00:10:28and we're in public.

00:10:29So...

00:10:32We walk into this bar

00:10:34and one of the difficult parts

00:10:36about being a woman,

00:10:37besides everything,

00:10:38is that...

00:10:40It's really hard.

00:10:41Is that,

00:10:42you're constantly battling

00:10:44with yourself.

00:10:45In the long run,

00:10:46we're battling our weight,

00:10:47hair color, wrinkles.

00:10:49Minute to minute,

00:10:50it's just an adjustment

00:10:51of your hair

00:10:52and your bra

00:10:53and your underwear

00:10:54and your makeup

00:10:55and your mustache,

00:10:56braid it, beat it, set it.

00:10:57You're always doing something.

00:10:58Because if one thing is off,

00:11:01then the night is ruined, Scott.

00:11:03Okay?

00:11:04One time,

00:11:05I left my house

00:11:06without mascara on.

00:11:07I did a U-turn

00:11:08on a four-lane highway.

00:11:09Like,

00:11:10No!

00:11:11They will see the whites

00:11:13of my eyes.

00:11:14Everything has to be perfect.

00:11:19And guys,

00:11:20it's exhausting.

00:11:21It's exhausting being a girl.

00:11:23Did you know,

00:11:24fun scientific fact

00:11:25that I made up on the way here,

00:11:26I made up on the way here,

00:11:27that women get

00:11:28four minutes

00:11:29out of every night.

00:11:31Four minutes

00:11:32out of every night

00:11:33where our brain

00:11:34sends a message to our body

00:11:35saying,

00:11:36everything's okay,

00:11:37stop messing with it.

00:11:38Four minutes

00:11:39out of every night

00:11:40where your brain

00:11:41sends a message to your body

00:11:42like,

00:11:43homeostasis achieved.

00:11:44And the rest of the time,

00:11:55it's just mayhem!

00:11:57Everything has to be perfect.

00:11:58So,

00:11:59we walk into this bar,

00:12:00my first thought,

00:12:01I gotta fix my lip liner.

00:12:04Now!

00:12:05I'm not even a big lip liner wearer,

00:12:08but in that moment,

00:12:09t'was everything.

00:12:10In that moment,

00:12:11I believed,

00:12:12fixing my lip liner

00:12:13is what stood between me

00:12:14and eternal happiness, okay?

00:12:16I had to take a liner,

00:12:17I had to find my liner

00:12:18and line my chola lips, okay?

00:12:20That's what I had to do.

00:12:22So glad I got a response

00:12:23in North Carolina,

00:12:24nothing, okay?

00:12:33Had to fix my lip liner,

00:12:34had to be right then.

00:12:36To the gentleman in the room,

00:12:38I don't expect you

00:12:39to understand the urgency

00:12:41with which I had to fix

00:12:42I had to fix my lip liner.

00:12:43The only thing

00:12:44I could liken it to

00:12:45in male culture

00:12:46is like,

00:12:47when you feel

00:12:48you have to adjust your balls.

00:12:51Similar immediacy.

00:12:53As we've seen,

00:12:54unfortunately.

00:12:57When you feel

00:12:58it's gotta happen,

00:12:59it's gotta happen now!

00:13:00Go, go, go!

00:13:01In front of children!

00:13:02Christmas Eve!

00:13:03Family portrait!

00:13:04Messing with my dick!

00:13:05Messing with my dick in public!

00:13:08Woo-hoo!

00:13:11It's a dick puzzle!

00:13:13I'm solving it now!

00:13:14Maximum comfort!

00:13:15Any cost!

00:13:16This is my right!

00:13:18Nancy, get off my back!

00:13:19So!

00:13:21So many guys right now

00:13:22have to adjust,

00:13:23they're like,

00:13:24I'm gonna do it!

00:13:30I believe that's what

00:13:31Elvis was doing.

00:13:34Makes sense.

00:13:38Needed my liner.

00:13:39Now you understand

00:13:40that I needed it, guys.

00:13:41Okay?

00:13:42Needed the fucking liner.

00:13:43That means I had to

00:13:44find the liner

00:13:45in my bag.

00:13:46However,

00:13:48I had a big bag.

00:13:51There's a very specific way

00:13:53that women will search

00:13:54for something

00:13:55when we have a big bag.

00:13:57What do you do?

00:13:58You take a designated

00:13:59search claw

00:14:03and you plunge it.

00:14:17Never breaking eye contact

00:14:18with your prey.

00:14:19I mean, your date.

00:14:22Notice I haven't blinked

00:14:23Chicago dedication to acting.

00:14:31The constant eye contact

00:14:32being a reminder that

00:14:33yes, I can multitask

00:14:34and keep talking.

00:14:35I'll make a great partner.

00:14:36Marry me.

00:14:40Meanwhile,

00:14:41to the outside world,

00:14:42it looks like you're wrestling

00:14:43with a very small bass.

00:14:45If you're a real pro,

00:14:46you keep the conversation moving.

00:14:47Still haven't blinked, by the way.

00:14:48If you're a real pro,

00:14:49you keep the conversation moving.

00:14:50I'm listening.

00:14:51I'm listening.

00:14:52Keep talking.

00:14:53Keep talking.

00:14:54I can look and listen.

00:14:55Say FanDuel one more time, motherfucker.

00:14:56I'm listening.

00:15:02You're digging around in there.

00:15:03Meanwhile, as a woman,

00:15:04you're having to come to terms

00:15:05with the seventh layer of hell

00:15:07that is the bottom of your bag.

00:15:09It's just a graveyard

00:15:11of dismembered pens.

00:15:13There's coins.

00:15:14There's coins.

00:15:15Why is there always

00:15:16a Nature's Valley granola bar crumbled?

00:15:24You stick your hand down.

00:15:25You come up with oats

00:15:26between your fingernails.

00:15:27You're like,

00:15:28Ow!

00:15:29Ow!

00:15:32Digging around,

00:15:33a gym lock,

00:15:34a phone charger,

00:15:35a concealer without its lid.

00:15:36Why?

00:15:37Why can't we make them

00:15:38with retractable lids

00:15:39that don't break off?

00:15:40Put your hand down there.

00:15:41Unknowingly,

00:15:42you come up with one creamy finger.

00:15:43You're like,

00:15:44No!

00:15:45No!

00:15:47But it was expensive.

00:15:48So you're like,

00:15:49No!

00:15:54So now you look amazing.

00:15:55Keep looking.

00:15:56Keep looking.

00:15:57Bits of paper.

00:15:58A saw.

00:15:59Keep looking around.

00:16:00Tampon out of its wrapper.

00:16:01Maybe I keep it.

00:16:02Nope, I'll get sick.

00:16:03Digging around.

00:16:04Don't keep it.

00:16:05Sometimes it's like,

00:16:06Oh!

00:16:07Just don't blow on it.

00:16:08And then you're gonna get dysentery.

00:16:09You'll never finish the organ trail.

00:16:19Seven or eight seconds go by.

00:16:20I cannot find my lip liner.

00:16:22Seven or eight seconds go by,

00:16:24which in girl years is like forever.

00:16:26I cannot find my lip liner.

00:16:28So,

00:16:29what's a logical thing to do?

00:16:31Maybe use the other hand

00:16:32to add to the search.

00:16:33Right?

00:16:34To aid in the excavation.

00:16:35Maybe get a cellular device

00:16:37to illuminate the situation.

00:16:38Not me!

00:16:39I dropped to my knees

00:16:40on a dance floor.

00:16:42Dumped out the bag.

00:16:43And start sifting through it

00:16:45like Helen Keller

00:16:46learning how to spell water.

00:16:55Fun fact.

00:16:56Girls,

00:16:57people around you know

00:16:58that you're absolutely not

00:16:59on the same mental playing field as them.

00:17:02A great way to do it,

00:17:03I found,

00:17:04is to dump out personal property

00:17:05onto a shared communal space

00:17:07because what that immediately

00:17:08lets other bar goers know

00:17:10is, I don't give a fuck!

00:17:13Where is it?

00:17:15This body language,

00:17:16this body language,

00:17:18this feral raccoon-like body language

00:17:22was enough to alert the door guy.

00:17:24You're a door guy

00:17:26You're a door guy

00:17:27at a busy nightclub,

00:17:28you've got a lot to deal with.

00:17:29However,

00:17:30he found my

00:17:31witch over a cauldron behavior

00:17:34threatening enough

00:17:36to leave his post,

00:17:37flashlight in hand,

00:17:39and walk up to me.

00:17:40He was a big guy.

00:17:42He was like 6'8",

00:17:43black guy,

00:17:44good looking.

00:17:47I had to say he was good looking.

00:17:50Because I said he was black.

00:17:51Seems to be the face of thinly veiled political correctness in our country.

00:18:00If you say someone's color,

00:18:01other than white,

00:18:02you must immediately assign them an accolade,

00:18:04deserved or otherwise,

00:18:05to prove that you're not racist.

00:18:07When in the first place,

00:18:08I wasn't fucking racist,

00:18:09I was giving you an accurate depiction

00:18:10of the events that transpired.

00:18:11You asked to see a show,

00:18:12I didn't see a space!

00:18:13Dude had a flashlight in my eye!

00:18:15I can tell you this much,

00:18:24black, white, or other,

00:18:26there's no way he was going to be hot.

00:18:27He's 6'8".

00:18:28They get weird looking after a certain height.

00:18:29Okay?

00:18:31Structurally, it gets weird.

00:18:32Okay.

00:18:33I am not wrong.

00:18:34Hashtag I am not wrong.

00:18:35Okay, so...

00:18:38It's true.

00:18:40There's no hot giants.

00:18:42So he shreks up to me.

00:18:49And I feel his presence,

00:18:50and I see the ball of light,

00:18:51and I hear his voice,

00:18:52and he goes,

00:18:53Everything eyed over here?

00:18:54Fucking no, dude.

00:18:55Everything is most definitely not eyed, sir.

00:18:57I'm on the floor.

00:19:01I don't exist on this plane.

00:19:04Fun fact about being on the floor.

00:19:06As an adult,

00:19:07when you choose to take it to this place,

00:19:09you lose all credibility.

00:19:10Nobody wants to hear the prerogative

00:19:13of someone on the floor.

00:19:14If you have to crane your neck up

00:19:16to explain yourself,

00:19:17you are fucked.

00:19:18Okay?

00:19:19You don't believe me?

00:19:20You ever tried to get the life story

00:19:21of someone sitting on a curb?

00:19:23No.

00:19:24Because they were sitting on a fucking curb,

00:19:25and you didn't want to talk to them.

00:19:27Because they think there's someone

00:19:28who's drunk on a lot of meth,

00:19:30or like a really pissed off bridesmaid

00:19:31just waiting for the service to be over.

00:19:35But now I'm on the floor,

00:19:37and I'm nervous,

00:19:38because that's an authority figure.

00:19:39And I'm like, in my head,

00:19:40I'm like, oh fuck,

00:19:41I'm gonna go to bar jail.

00:19:44What if they repossess my wedges?

00:19:48But I was drunk,

00:19:49and in my head I'm like,

00:19:50it's cool, be smart,

00:19:51explain what you're doing,

00:19:52whatever you do, Eliza,

00:19:53just sound intelligent.

00:19:54Instead, what came out of my mouth was,

00:19:56I gotta find my lip liner, man!

00:19:58And what I feel he understood,

00:20:02nay, respected,

00:20:04nay,

00:20:05nay.

00:20:16Resonated with wasn't that I had to find my lip liner.

00:20:19What I feel he understood,

00:20:21was the sheer amount of white girl crazy,

00:20:25coming out from behind my eye.

00:20:28Cause he then gave me the international verbal sign for,

00:20:32I respect you and fear you,

00:20:34I'm going to back off,

00:20:36which is,

00:20:37alright then.

00:20:38And he just walked away.

00:20:48I never found my lip liner,

00:20:49it was like in my other bag.

00:20:54I didn't like that experience.

00:20:55I didn't like being on the floor.

00:20:57And I didn't like being on the floor for a very specific reason.

00:21:00As a woman,

00:21:01I didn't need a reminder of how vulnerable women are,

00:21:05on a day-to-day basis.

00:21:07Being on the floor,

00:21:08it's a very vulnerable place.

00:21:09I didn't need that reminder.

00:21:11And women in our society are vulnerable,

00:21:13by virtue of the fact,

00:21:15that we are physically not as strong as men.

00:21:18That's the root of the issue.

00:21:19That's the root of the oppression.

00:21:21And that's the root of oppression for any side of war,

00:21:23throughout history,

00:21:24at any time.

00:21:25One side was stronger,

00:21:26they get to make the rules.

00:21:27Do you think for a second,

00:21:28that if women were physically stronger than men,

00:21:31we would have waited for the right to vote?

00:21:34It's 1910,

00:21:41some jacked up housewife is just putting up weight in her garage.

00:21:45She got a shaker of horse testosterone and creatine.

00:21:49Her little husband comes in,

00:21:51he's like,

00:21:52you're not voting.

00:21:53She'd be like,

00:21:54pfff!

00:21:55Out of the way, Jedediah!

00:21:57Pfff!

00:21:58Pfff!

00:21:59Mama's going to the polls!

00:22:12Pfff!

00:22:14It's physical strength!

00:22:16That's the root of the issue,

00:22:17physical strength.

00:22:18And they try to placate women,

00:22:20they try to tell us we're other types of strong,

00:22:22sure,

00:22:23but none that matter as much as physical strength.

00:22:24Well, you're a woman,

00:22:25so...

00:22:26mentally strong.

00:22:27mentally strong,

00:22:30you put up with him all day, huh?

00:22:32Pfff!

00:22:33Yeah.

00:22:36Mentally strong.

00:22:37Mentally strong,

00:22:38what do I do with that?

00:22:39Mentally strong,

00:22:40what do I do when a rapist runs at me?

00:22:42Math?

00:22:49It's physical strength.

00:22:50Physical strength is a strength that counts

00:22:52when it comes to protecting yourself,

00:22:54and women are only naturally,

00:22:56physically superhuman strong

00:22:58when it comes to two things.

00:22:59The first is a recent one,

00:23:01and that's CrossFit.

00:23:02Which...

00:23:03It's enough, by the way.

00:23:04It's a cult.

00:23:05Okay?

00:23:06It's insane.

00:23:08It goes...

00:23:09Scientology, CrossFit,

00:23:11people without celiac disease that don't eat gluten.

00:23:13It's a cult.

00:23:14Okay?

00:23:15It's enough.

00:23:16It's enough.

00:23:17I can deadlift 600 pounds.

00:23:19Cool.

00:23:20What Starbucks do you work at?

00:23:21Like, what do you...

00:23:22Guard a village.

00:23:23Join up.

00:23:24What are you doing?

00:23:25With that muscle.

00:23:26That horse meat.

00:23:28The workouts that they're doing,

00:23:30it's all snake oil,

00:23:31I believe.

00:23:32Okay?

00:23:33Push-ups.

00:23:34Sit-ups.

00:23:35Pull-ups.

00:23:36The foundations of a military workout.

00:23:37These are applicable in the rest of your life.

00:23:38Instead, they got a father of six in there

00:23:40at 7 a.m. before work,

00:23:41flipping a monster truck tire.

00:23:43Why?

00:23:44When do you need that?

00:23:46When do you need to know the form for that?

00:23:48What post-apocalyptic gorilla playground

00:23:53are you gonna find yourself in?

00:23:54Why don't we just give you an empty suitcase

00:23:55to throw around your cage, peaches?

00:24:01And the rope thing.

00:24:03There are other ways to build up your pectoral muscles.

00:24:06Men have been doing it for centuries.

00:24:08Instead, they got you in there with a rope.

00:24:10When are you gonna use that?

00:24:11Like, Timmy's stuck down by the dock

00:24:13under some boat rope.

00:24:14I got it!

00:24:23And the only time that women are naturally,

00:24:26exceptionally physically strong

00:24:28is when it comes to childbirth.

00:24:30And that's amazing.

00:24:32Yes.

00:24:33It'd be amazing if those were all men

00:24:35with, like, really high-pitched voices.

00:24:41It's an amazing amount of superhuman strength

00:24:43that, unfairly, women only get to tap into

00:24:46when they're having a baby.

00:24:48You only get to tap into that superhuman strength

00:24:50once, maybe twice a year,

00:24:52but that second baby's gonna be very tiny.

00:24:53You only get to use it then.

00:24:55That's a disproportionate amount of strength.

00:24:57Mother Nature's playing a cruel joke on us.

00:24:59Do you know how many pounds of pressure

00:25:01per square snooch inch

00:25:03it takes to deliver a baby?!

00:25:05We're not even using our hands!

00:25:09You're, like, Python-like digesting a goat!

00:25:12Just like, get out of there!

00:25:14Using fucking grit and rage

00:25:17and, like, a mother's love, but just...

00:25:18Ah!

00:25:21Spot on!

00:25:22He's fucking going.

00:25:25You can do that with your body,

00:25:27yet the rest of the year

00:25:29we have trouble not doing push-ups on our knees.

00:25:31That doesn't seem fair.

00:25:35We're only exceptionally strong

00:25:37when it comes to children.

00:25:38We have something called mama bear strength.

00:25:40So that means when your child is in danger.

00:25:42Your child.

00:25:43Someone else's child.

00:25:44Sorry, Junior.

00:25:45Your child.

00:25:46Lift that piano off your legs yourself, okay?

00:25:49I'm not your mama.

00:25:50When your child is in danger,

00:25:53in that moment, through adrenaline,

00:25:55you can develop superhuman strength

00:25:56and save that baby.

00:25:57So if your child is trapped under a car,

00:26:00you can go ahead and flip that Buick

00:26:01like an orangutan, like, no problem.

00:26:05Yet, if you're a single girl

00:26:06walking alone on a Saturday night

00:26:08and some maniac runs at you,

00:26:10what's your defense?

00:26:11Like, no, two plus two is four.

00:26:16If we're millennials, we probably use our phone calculators.

00:26:23That's why sexual harassment is such a big deal.

00:26:26It really has less to do with the disgusting thing

00:26:29a man feels he has the right to yell at you

00:26:31out of a van or a truck.

00:26:33Never out of a civic for some reason.

00:26:36But for the girls that might not know,

00:26:38you can wear whatever you want.

00:26:40It doesn't give someone the right to treat you like an animal.

00:26:47You can wear whatever you want.

00:26:49You can leave the house naked.

00:26:50You will go to jail.

00:26:51But you can do whatever you want.

00:26:53But it has less to do with what a man is yelling at you.

00:26:56And nobody wants to say this, but I will.

00:26:57What it has to do with is the underlying notion

00:27:00that if that man wanted to act on it, he could.

00:27:03And if you don't believe me,

00:27:05every girl in here knows what it's like.

00:27:06A guy yells something disgusting at you.

00:27:08And because you're strong, you yell back, right?

00:27:10He's like, oh, nice tits.

00:27:11You're like, fuck off!

00:27:12Immediately followed by, what if he kills me?

00:27:14Like, there's that moment.

00:27:17Hoping to God that your bark was big enough

00:27:20that you don't have to take a lady bite.

00:27:23Being sexually harassed is the worst.

00:27:26I'm sorry.

00:27:27Let me rephrase that.

00:27:29Being sexually harassed by an ugly guy is the worst.

00:27:33If he's hot, it's just plain old flirting.

00:27:43No one's ever been like, get away from me, you model.

00:27:46That's fine.

00:27:48It has to do also with an unrequited, uninvited sexual energy.

00:27:53And women are very aware of that.

00:27:54Every woman in here knows what it feels like

00:27:56to have a guy's eyes on you when you find him attractive.

00:27:59It's the best feeling.

00:28:00When you see like a group of hot guys and you walk by

00:28:02and you're like, hope they're looking at my butt.

00:28:04Feels so good.

00:28:05Feels so good about my little haunches right now.

00:28:07And when the dudes are gross and you have to walk by,

00:28:09you're like, please don't look at my butt.

00:28:10Please don't look at my butt.

00:28:11Please don't look at my butt.

00:28:12Please don't look at my butt.

00:28:13Don't look at it.

00:28:14Having someone sexually harass you,

00:28:16it's their energy on you.

00:28:17It feels like you're getting shot with a dick gun.

00:28:20That's what it feels like.

00:28:22Minding your own business, you're like,

00:28:24sure do love being an independent woman.

00:28:26Nice tits.

00:28:27Oh, he got a boner for free.

00:28:43Women have to think about these things.

00:28:47It's hard being a girl.

00:28:49I haven't been a guy in like a while,

00:28:50but it is difficult.

00:28:52And we're constantly questioning ourselves.

00:28:55And we're constantly being told that what we feel is wrong

00:28:58and how we look is wrong.

00:28:59And we tell it to little girls and it sticks with us.

00:29:02Take a man and a woman shopping.

00:29:04Nothing will fit.

00:29:05Because fashion is the enemy for sure.

00:29:07But nothing will fit the woman and it's for negative reasons.

00:29:10And nothing will fit the guy and it's for positive reasons.

00:29:13Take the woman shopping.

00:29:14Nothing fits.

00:29:15My arms are fat.

00:29:16My thighs are big.

00:29:17I'm fucking gross.

00:29:18I hate my body.

00:29:19Take the guy shopping.

00:29:20An average man of average bill.

00:29:215, 10, 170.

00:29:23Nah, I can't buy off the rack

00:29:25because my shoulders are so abnormally broad.

00:29:28I'm told for my height.

00:29:29My waist tapers at such an Adonis-like angle.

00:29:33My dick is so girthy.

00:29:35I can only wear Jankos.

00:29:37Taught for me.

00:29:39These are good things.

00:29:42Women are told to change.

00:29:45It's okay if men are the same.

00:29:46That's why we have stereotypes.

00:29:47That's why you got the stereotype of your grandpa.

00:29:50I sit in my chair.

00:29:51I drink my beer.

00:29:52I got the remote.

00:29:53I got the clicker.

00:29:54I fought in Korea.

00:29:55Don't fucking talk to me.

00:29:56Right?

00:29:57I'm not moving.

00:29:58You move.

00:29:59Women aren't like that.

00:30:00Right?

00:30:01What do women do?

00:30:02I'm taking a class.

00:30:03I love classes.

00:30:05I'm learning.

00:30:06I'm learning more about Cheryl.

00:30:08I'm meeting Cindy for the first time.

00:30:11There's two women in this monologue.

00:30:12I'm just two different women.

00:30:13That's fine.

00:30:14I'm learning to breathe.

00:30:16I'm getting a sense of myself.

00:30:17I'm canning.

00:30:18I'm canning my own beats.

00:30:20For no reason.

00:30:22I live in the middle of a city.

00:30:23I just thought.

00:30:24I wanted to connect.

00:30:25I'm canning my own shit now.

00:30:27I take it.

00:30:28Put it in there.

00:30:29I let it solidify.

00:30:30I make jewelry.

00:30:31I sell it on Etsy.

00:30:32It's nice pocket money.

00:30:33I'm learning about myself.

00:30:38I'm learning to breathe.

00:30:39I'm cutting my own hair.

00:30:41I'm learning to make my own tea.

00:30:44Putting the hair in the tea.

00:30:45I drink my hair.

00:30:47Changing.

00:30:48We always want to change a little bit.

00:30:50Right?

00:30:51Always want to lose a little bit of weight.

00:30:53Always.

00:30:54No matter what your body looks like.

00:30:55Just want to lose like five pounds.

00:30:57We think that's the answer.

00:30:59Just want to lose like five pounds.

00:31:01Just want to lose like five pounds before lunch.

00:31:07So I can have more lunch.

00:31:20Because we think being skinny is the answer.

00:31:22Right?

00:31:23It's not even enough to be skinny.

00:31:24Is it?

00:31:25Not even enough to be thin.

00:31:26Is it?

00:31:27You have to be the thinnest.

00:31:28Out of your friends.

00:31:29Who you hate.

00:31:31You don't believe me?

00:31:32Look at any Instagram picture of more than four women.

00:31:35It's a fucking pose off.

00:31:39Dudes don't care.

00:31:40They'll turn around like gorillas mid meal.

00:31:42Like.

00:31:43Take the picture.

00:31:44I don't care.

00:31:49Girls.

00:31:50It's like a Mr. Universe.

00:31:51Just like.

00:31:52Fucking line up.

00:31:53Line up.

00:31:54Make it pointy.

00:31:55Concave.

00:31:56Make it fucking pointy.

00:31:57Kisses.

00:31:58Neck vein.

00:31:59Look at the motherfucking neck vein.

00:32:00Hamstring.

00:32:01Happy birthday.

00:32:02It's not enough to just be thin.

00:32:13Right?

00:32:14You want to be the kind of thin.

00:32:16Where your friends.

00:32:18Are worried for you.

00:32:21You.

00:32:40So thin.

00:32:41Horrible looking.

00:32:42Stalking around gap kids.

00:32:44I wear a youth large.

00:32:46Right?

00:32:47Fucking femur for days.

00:32:49Right?

00:32:50Mr. Peanut legs coming out six seconds ahead of you.

00:32:54Like an R. Crumb comic but thinner.

00:32:57Right?

00:32:58Just walking around.

00:32:59Baby stegosaurus spine.

00:33:01Clothes hanging like moss off a willow tree.

00:33:04A fucking clavicle you can serve soup out of.

00:33:07Yeah.

00:33:08Yeah.

00:33:09So happy.

00:33:15I like my body but I always.

00:33:16Everybody wants to change something.

00:33:17Right?

00:33:18I just want to have.

00:33:19I just want to have shoulders.

00:33:20That were so frail.

00:33:22And tiny.

00:33:23Little bird shoulders.

00:33:24Do they even have shoulders?

00:33:25No.

00:33:26It's just.

00:33:27That's what I want.

00:33:28I want no shoulders.

00:33:29I want the kind of shoulders.

00:33:30Where my bra strap just falls down.

00:33:32Just floppy hair.

00:33:33Oh whoops!

00:33:38Ah ha!

00:33:40I love it.

00:33:41I love it.

00:33:42They love it.

00:33:43They go crazy.

00:33:44Once for a while.

00:33:45Because it's like one less thing they gotta do.

00:33:47Right?

00:33:48It's not my fault.

00:33:49I think that's attractive.

00:33:50I see it.

00:33:51You see it on lingerie ads and magazines and women are always on the bed.

00:33:54Bra strap.

00:33:55Men love vulnerability.

00:33:56And that's what that represents.

00:33:58Not me.

00:33:59Oh, look, a strong woman. Bullshit. Vulnerability.

00:34:02Help me. Open this jar. Please help me.

00:34:04We love it. They love it.

00:34:10What does the bra strap down represent?

00:34:12When your bra strap is down, you're not supported.

00:34:14When your tits are flopping around, you can't run away.

00:34:16Yeah.

00:34:20I want that.

00:34:21I want that bone structure, right?

00:34:24I want to have those shoulders.

00:34:25I want to look like the girl on the cover of the Playbill for Les Mis.

00:34:28Just, yeah.

00:34:30Oh, monsieur.

00:34:35It's a 10-year-old French girl still.

00:34:37I want those bones.

00:34:39They do. Men love vulnerability, right?

00:34:41That's why the thin thing is the thing.

00:34:44That's why women are expected to be, right?

00:34:46You can't have a baby if you're this big.

00:34:47That's why we have to be.

00:34:48There's a garden party.

00:34:50Like that kind of thing.

00:34:52Because women are thin, there's no nutrition going through their body.

00:34:54When there's no nutrition, you're cold.

00:34:55And when you're cold, you don't leave the house.

00:34:56And when you don't leave the house, you don't vote.

00:34:58Yeah.

00:34:59That's why every model has that vulnerable look.

00:35:08That's why every model looks like you just uncovered a refugee from under a manhole cover.

00:35:12We're like, uh, Gucci.

00:35:19They love vulnerability.

00:35:20And we do things to make ourselves vulnerable.

00:35:23Strong women are told to tone it down, right?

00:35:25To be fair, men are always told to toughen up.

00:35:27We don't let men be vulnerable.

00:35:28That's not fair either.

00:35:29But I can't help you guys because I'm a girl and I can only fight one fight at a time.

00:35:33If you want to come to my green room and cry after, I will laugh at you.

00:35:38But no, you can.

00:35:39But we tell strong women to bring it down, right?

00:35:43High heels.

00:35:43Why do you wear high heels?

00:35:45So you what?

00:35:46Can't run from your attacker.

00:35:47Good.

00:35:48Smoky eye makeup?

00:35:51Why does that make sense?

00:35:52What are you doing?

00:35:53You take the makeup, grind it into your eye.

00:35:55Why is that attractive?

00:35:56I figured it out.

00:35:57Smoky eye makeup makes you look like you what?

00:36:00Just choked on a dick and cried.

00:36:03Good.

00:36:03I am not wrong.

00:36:08It's a little off brand for me.

00:36:10I am not wrong.

00:36:14It's not enough to be thin ever.

00:36:17Gotta be gaunt to the point of extinction.

00:36:20The kind of thin where it's like, what up, bitches?

00:36:22Find me.

00:36:23Like that kind of thin.

00:36:27Maybe I'm being unfair.

00:36:28Maybe it's a cultural thing.

00:36:29I can only truly speak from the perspective of what I am.

00:36:32I'm an upper middle class white woman.

00:36:34Hope I die that way.

00:36:36And the expectation of being thin has been put on us for about 100 years.

00:36:40That's been the look.

00:36:41The like, come have some tea.

00:36:44These jeans are high.

00:36:46That's not weird.

00:36:47Like we like that look.

00:36:48And that's a hard look to achieve.

00:36:50Some women die trying to be thin.

00:36:52And it was only in the last 40 years that women of color and women of other ethnicities

00:36:58rose to prominence and made it socially acceptable.

00:37:02Nay, attractive to have the body of a grown woman.

00:37:05Jennifer Lopez came out of nowhere with the backside of a brontosaurus.

00:37:09Like, pfft.

00:37:13Que paso.

00:37:14And it became attractive.

00:37:18And somewhere, with everybody having an agenda in our social conversation, it became okay

00:37:23to tell white girls to their faces, you're fat.

00:37:26Kill yourself.

00:37:27Bullying us on Facebook.

00:37:28Because you're white, so life must be easy.

00:37:30Which, I'm not gonna lie.

00:37:31It's great.

00:37:32Being white is great.

00:37:33But, it became okay to say that because we are not spicy, right?

00:37:38White women don't have a fire in them.

00:37:40There's not a chili pepper here.

00:37:41Inside here is a scoop of Breyers vanilla bean ice cream.

00:37:44And we'll take it.

00:37:50Your boyfriend tells you you're fat.

00:37:51We'll be like, I'm sorry, Chad.

00:37:52Please don't get out of the kayak.

00:37:57Gonna have an afternoon.

00:37:58I brought Jenga.

00:37:59You know who has an unshakable sense of self-esteem?

00:38:05Black women.

00:38:06You.

00:38:07Yes.

00:38:08You cannot tell a sister on her something isn't working.

00:38:11She won't believe it.

00:38:13Try it.

00:38:14Go up to a black girl and be like, I don't like those jeans.

00:38:16First of all, I dare you.

00:38:24It will not rattle her for a second.

00:38:26Be like, I don't like those jeans.

00:38:28She'll be like, bullshit, I see you looking.

00:38:36Girls, if you want respect, you're going to have to take it.

00:38:41It's 2016.

00:38:42Let's learn some math.

00:38:43Let's learn some science.

00:38:44Let's drop the body issues, okay?

00:38:46Don't let anybody make you feel less than.

00:38:48Your bodies are perfect the way that they are.

00:38:53And if you want respect,

00:38:55you have to command respect,

00:38:58not demand it.

00:38:59Two totally different things.

00:39:01Commanding respect is in the actions.

00:39:02It's the way that we speak about each other.

00:39:05It's the way that you speak about yourself.

00:39:07If your whole agenda is to be sexual

00:39:09and confusing being sexual with empowerment

00:39:11and talking about fucking and sex all the time,

00:39:14thinking that that's the reason

00:39:15that women are empowered,

00:39:17you're fucking wrong.

00:39:18It comes with the way you treat yourself.

00:39:20Don't call each other whores.

00:39:21Don't call each other sluts.

00:39:27Because when you do that,

00:39:28society looks at you and they say,

00:39:30oh, it's okay to talk to women that way.

00:39:32You teach people how to treat you.

00:39:34Let's get rid of the phrase walk of shame.

00:39:35What is that one?

00:39:36What is walk of shame?

00:39:37I don't understand that.

00:39:40I've never had a walk of shame.

00:39:42What could that be?

00:39:44Walk of shame.

00:39:46What's there to be shameful about?

00:39:48What's the shame in the fact that

00:39:50he and I went out,

00:39:51we both had the same amount of vodka sodas,

00:39:53he got too drunk to get it up,

00:39:54so he passed out,

00:39:55then I used his credit card

00:39:56to buy like $100 worth of Chinese delivery,

00:39:57then I stole his golf clubs.

00:40:02Walk of shame.

00:40:03Walk of shame.

00:40:07Start from behind here, girls.

00:40:10We've got to say smarter things.

00:40:12From now on, let's make a pact.

00:40:14From now on,

00:40:16I don't want to hear any more women

00:40:19talk about how they want to be mermaids.

00:40:25Okay?

00:40:28Okay?

00:40:30It's stupid.

00:40:33And I'm not trying to be a bitch,

00:40:34but like, it's probably not going to happen for you.

00:40:37Literally,

00:40:40you don't have the bone structure.

00:40:43What worries me,

00:40:44I see it a lot,

00:40:45and it's not from children,

00:40:46it's grown women.

00:40:48Like, I don't want to be adult anymore.

00:40:49I want to be a mermaid.

00:40:51You can't...

00:40:52The amount of escapism

00:40:54that's in that sentence,

00:40:56you want to move to the woods,

00:40:57you want to make jam fine,

00:40:58at least you're still paying taxes.

00:40:59You want to be a mermaid?

00:41:00That means that all of your achievements in life

00:41:02are going to lead to you being

00:41:04a fictional fuck toy for a horny sailor.

00:41:06Like, that's what you want?

00:41:07That's what mermaids are.

00:41:09Read a book!

00:41:12Because I see it a lot.

00:41:15T-shirts, right?

00:41:16I am a mermaid.

00:41:18Yo soy mermaid.

00:41:21Je suis mermaid.

00:41:23Let's discuss the logistics

00:41:26of being a mermaid

00:41:29so that you have the information

00:41:31if and when the job opportunity

00:41:34presents itself

00:41:35on LinkedIn,

00:41:37you can make an informed decision, okay?

00:41:42If you are a mermaid,

00:41:44you don't sleep.

00:41:46Girl's like,

00:41:46oh my God,

00:41:47I love sleeping.

00:41:48None for you.

00:41:49Just...

00:41:49Just chugging Mountain Dew Code Red.

00:41:53There are no vets,

00:41:54but there is Mountain Dew Code Red.

00:41:55You're just a white trash,

00:41:56jacked up mermaid.

00:41:58Just swimming.

00:41:59Swimming.

00:41:59And by the way,

00:42:00you don't have fins.

00:42:00Remember,

00:42:01you're half human,

00:42:02so you've got arms.

00:42:03You've just got these thick-ass traps

00:42:04just swimming,

00:42:05just fucking...

00:42:06You can't stop swimming

00:42:09because if you stop swimming,

00:42:10something will try to eat you,

00:42:11fuck you,

00:42:11or kill you, okay?

00:42:13It's not dissimilar

00:42:14to being a woman

00:42:15in a downtown area,

00:42:16so just swimming,

00:42:17swimming,

00:42:18swimming.

00:42:19Now,

00:42:19you're swimming all day.

00:42:20You're probably pretty hungry, right?

00:42:22How are you going to catch food?

00:42:23Remember,

00:42:23you're half human.

00:42:25We don't have animal-catching accoutrement

00:42:27like claws

00:42:28and tentacles

00:42:30and lasers.

00:42:31We don't have those kind of things.

00:42:33We have big brains

00:42:34and you have a big girl brain,

00:42:35so I don't know what you're going to do.

00:42:36Maybe talk a crab to death?

00:42:38Like,

00:42:38excuse me.

00:42:40Excuse me.

00:42:42I was thinking of double majoring

00:42:44in psychology and communications.

00:42:46Excuse me.

00:42:47Excuse me.

00:42:48Are you a cancer?

00:42:49So now,

00:42:51you're hungry,

00:42:53you're tired,

00:42:54you're like,

00:42:54I don't care

00:42:54because I'm going to lay out on the beach

00:42:56like a mermaid.

00:42:57No, you won't.

00:42:58Sailors are going to try to fuck you

00:42:59and the Japanese will definitely try to eat you

00:43:01like just for funsies,

00:43:02okay?

00:43:05So now you're swimming around,

00:43:06you're like,

00:43:06I don't care.

00:43:07I don't care

00:43:08because I'm going to have

00:43:09long, flowing mermaid hair.

00:43:10No, you won't.

00:43:11You ever go in the ocean?

00:43:13You guys aren't on an ocean.

00:43:14You're on a lake.

00:43:15You're going to be a lake mermaid?

00:43:16What are you,

00:43:16half trout?

00:43:17Kill yourself.

00:43:19Oh,

00:43:20freshwater mermaid?

00:43:24What if you got like the weird end

00:43:32of the genetic pool

00:43:33and you were like half turtle?

00:43:35No tail,

00:43:36but just half.

00:43:38Long, flowing mermaid hair.

00:43:40You're not going to have

00:43:40long, flowing mermaid hair.

00:43:41You ever go in the water

00:43:42when there's actual waves?

00:43:44You're not going to have

00:43:44long, flowing mermaid hair.

00:43:45You're going to have

00:43:46one giant murdred.

00:43:48And it's just going to follow you.

00:43:52It's just one big old murloc

00:43:53and it's getting caught

00:43:54on propellers.

00:43:56It's getting caught on anchors.

00:43:58There's sea lice

00:43:58living in your murdred

00:44:00because that's a warm,

00:44:01hospitable environment.

00:44:02Then there's fish

00:44:03feeding off those sea lice.

00:44:04There's an entire sustainable

00:44:06maritime ecosystem

00:44:07attached to your fucking head.

00:44:09Dragging around the sea lice

00:44:10or nipping at your scalp.

00:44:12You got to get rid of it, right?

00:44:13So what do you do?

00:44:14You're like,

00:44:14I'll just cut it off.

00:44:15Ain't no scissors in the ocean.

00:44:16All right?

00:44:16And I don't care

00:44:18what the little mermaid

00:44:18told us

00:44:19because she was a liar

00:44:20and a hoarder.

00:44:25Hoarder.

00:44:26We let it go

00:44:27because she was pretty

00:44:28but she was super gross.

00:44:31Look at this stuff.

00:44:33Isn't it neat?

00:44:34That's a used toothbrush.

00:44:35Don't put it in your...

00:44:36You're going to get sick.

00:44:43Still got to get rid

00:44:44of that murdred

00:44:45because it's a hazard.

00:44:46So what do you do?

00:44:47You have to get another fish

00:44:48to help you.

00:44:49You have to do what they do

00:44:50in the animal kingdom.

00:44:51You must what?

00:44:52You must what?

00:44:53I'm going to see if you can guess it.

00:44:54Who here took marine biology?

00:44:55You have to what?

00:44:56Form a symbiotic relationship

00:44:58with other marine life.

00:45:00Good.

00:45:01And have that fish

00:45:01come in

00:45:03with his fish tooth

00:45:05and just saw off

00:45:06your murdred, right?

00:45:07It's going to be bad looking

00:45:08but now, remember,

00:45:09you got to pay that fish back.

00:45:10That's the nature

00:45:11of a symbiotic relationship.

00:45:13You must reciprocate.

00:45:14How are you going to pay

00:45:14that fish back?

00:45:15You ain't got no money,

00:45:16shell tits.

00:45:20I hate to say it

00:45:21but the only thing you have

00:45:23is fish sex

00:45:24and I don't know

00:45:26if you have a vagina

00:45:26because I'm not a nichthyologist

00:45:29and I don't know

00:45:30how fish work.

00:45:32I should have looked it up

00:45:33before the taping

00:45:33but I'm just trying

00:45:34to tell you some jokes

00:45:35and I think I've done

00:45:36a pretty good job.

00:45:37You know what they

00:45:37fish do?

00:45:38They poop.

00:45:39So that means

00:45:39you got a fish butt

00:45:40so think about that.

00:45:41So now you're swimming around,

00:45:45you're hungry,

00:45:46you're tired,

00:45:46you got a fucked up haircut,

00:45:47you're like a little sore.

00:45:48You're just like,

00:45:49I don't care.

00:45:51I don't care.

00:45:51I'm going to be a mermaid.

00:45:52I'm going to swim

00:45:53because I will swim

00:45:54like a mermaid.

00:45:55Let's remember

00:45:56how mermaids

00:45:57allegedly

00:45:58because they are not real

00:45:59swim.

00:46:01They swim

00:46:01like dolphins.

00:46:05Hey ladies,

00:46:06do you love

00:46:06ab day at the gym?

00:46:07Well that's your

00:46:08fucking life, sister!

00:46:1137,

00:46:1238.

00:46:13Just trying to get through.

00:46:14Your entire existence

00:46:15is that

00:46:16of an R. Kelly

00:46:17backup dancer.

00:46:20Swimming through the 90s.

00:46:24So you can be a mermaid

00:46:25or you can always get a job

00:46:26in front of a used car dealership.

00:46:30No mermaids.

00:46:40We can do better.

00:46:41No mermaids.

00:46:42I worry for women.

00:46:43I worry for men.

00:46:44I worry for our country.

00:46:45Is anybody else

00:46:46really worried

00:46:47for our country?

00:46:52So I'm worried

00:46:53and by the way,

00:46:55I'm very proud

00:46:56to be an American

00:46:56and I love my country

00:46:57very much

00:46:58and I want the best for it.

00:47:00There's no joke there.

00:47:01It's just a statement.

00:47:01I love being an American.

00:47:04What I'm scared for,

00:47:07what I'm scared about,

00:47:08aren't so much

00:47:09the nightmares

00:47:10clawing at our front

00:47:11and back doors,

00:47:12both politically,

00:47:13foreign, domestic,

00:47:14economically, ecologically,

00:47:15whatever.

00:47:16What I'm scared about

00:47:17is the fact that like,

00:47:18my generation

00:47:19is supposed to be

00:47:20grown up and mature now.

00:47:21I represent the millennials.

00:47:24Perhaps you've seen

00:47:25our Instagram pages.

00:47:27Yeah, we cheer for ourselves.

00:47:29We're the worst.

00:47:31We did it.

00:47:33I will say this

00:47:34as the Lorax

00:47:34of my generation,

00:47:35my fash,

00:47:36we didn't ask

00:47:39to be spoiled.

00:47:40Our parents loved us

00:47:41and they gave us everything.

00:47:42That's the job

00:47:43of the generation prior

00:47:44to give the next generation

00:47:45a better world

00:47:46than they had.

00:47:47So I'm going to apologize

00:47:48to my grandkids

00:47:49for the radioactive ball

00:47:51of foil and Diet Coke

00:47:52that they're going to inherit

00:47:53from us.

00:47:55But that's what

00:47:56the people before you do.

00:47:58And I believe

00:47:59that this wave of entitlement

00:48:00started with our grandparents.

00:48:02Our grandparents were called

00:48:03the greatest generation

00:48:04and I believe that they were.

00:48:05They selflessly gave

00:48:06and they made this country

00:48:08the idea of America

00:48:09that a lot of us miss.

00:48:11White people.

00:48:12The rest of us,

00:48:12it was horrible for most of them.

00:48:13Okay, but in general.

00:48:15The main points of it, okay?

00:48:17Your grandparents had to fight.

00:48:18They had no choice.

00:48:20Grandpa had to fight

00:48:21in World War II.

00:48:22Grandpa was straight up

00:48:23drizz-afted, okay?

00:48:24He had no choice.

00:48:26And when he came home

00:48:27from the war,

00:48:28all he wanted to do

00:48:29was have a family,

00:48:29have a job,

00:48:30be like a little racist

00:48:31and live the American dream.

00:48:32That's it.

00:48:34He fought.

00:48:35He got right to work.

00:48:36It's not like guys today

00:48:37who'd be like,

00:48:37oh, I just want a backpack

00:48:38around Oregon

00:48:39and find myself.

00:48:40No!

00:48:42And they're allowed

00:48:43to say that

00:48:44because whether you like them

00:48:46or not,

00:48:46our military does such

00:48:47a good job

00:48:48of defending us

00:48:49on a day-to-day basis.

00:48:52And I know that TSA blows.

00:48:57But they do such a good job

00:48:59that you're allowed

00:49:00to mentally check out.

00:49:01Like, if you don't like

00:49:02the war going on right now,

00:49:04unlike it on Facebook.

00:49:06You're allowed to do that.

00:49:08There was no concerted effort.

00:49:10You didn't have to fight.

00:49:11My point is,

00:49:11there was no day

00:49:12we all gathered

00:49:13in our town squares

00:49:14and threw our iPhones

00:49:15into the center

00:49:16so the military

00:49:16could use the scrap metal.

00:49:18What's this, a droid?

00:49:19Take it back, freak.

00:49:19We didn't have that.

00:49:22And I think it's difficult

00:49:23to conceive of a world

00:49:25where you have to

00:49:26sacrifice so much

00:49:27and to understand

00:49:27what our grandparents did

00:49:28because now they're old.

00:49:30And you look at them

00:49:31and when you think old,

00:49:32what do you think?

00:49:32Cute, right?

00:49:34Your grandparents are cute

00:49:35because they're tiny,

00:49:35shrinking every year.

00:49:36Pick them up,

00:49:37put them down.

00:49:37They don't like it.

00:49:38Sprinkle water.

00:49:38Get it off me.

00:49:39They don't like it.

00:49:39And the whiter you are,

00:49:43the greater a chance

00:49:44there is that you've

00:49:45developed some weird,

00:49:46pejorative,

00:49:47kitten-like nickname

00:49:48for your grandfather.

00:49:51Oh, it's not grandpa anymore.

00:49:53It's like,

00:49:53this is my nim-nam.

00:49:58This is my yippers.

00:50:01This is my pip-pop.

00:50:03And pip-pop doesn't give a fuck.

00:50:04He's like,

00:50:05I was a prisoner of war

00:50:06for six years.

00:50:07Call me pip-pop.

00:50:07I've had worse.

00:50:09Oh, my God,

00:50:13you guys,

00:50:14my pip-pop is so cute.

00:50:15Oh, my God,

00:50:16pip-pop is so cute.

00:50:17You guys,

00:50:18sometimes at Christmas

00:50:19when pip-pop falls asleep,

00:50:21we like to decorate

00:50:22him with Christmas bows.

00:50:23Isn't that funny?

00:50:24Silly pip-pop.

00:50:25Pip-pop's got 53

00:50:26confirmed kills.

00:50:27Don't think for a second

00:50:40pip-pop doesn't remember

00:50:42how to repurpose

00:50:43that Christmas bow

00:50:43around your neck

00:50:44to get the intel

00:50:45that he needs out of you.

00:50:47Sit the fuck down,

00:50:48Colton,

00:50:48Caleb,

00:50:48Ashton,

00:50:49Crashton,

00:50:49Crampton,

00:50:50whatever your fucking

00:50:50hipster name is.

00:50:51Sit down!

00:50:54Pip-pop came home

00:50:55from the war,

00:50:56and then they had

00:50:57our parents.

00:50:57Our parents are called

00:50:58the Baby Boomers.

00:50:59They're called

00:50:59the Baby Boomers

00:51:00because pip-pop came home

00:51:01from Normandy,

00:51:03and he was like,

00:51:03I'm not dead.

00:51:05Boom,

00:51:05Gladys,

00:51:06let's fuck.

00:51:08And then...

00:51:08The Baby Boomers,

00:51:14ask your parents,

00:51:15we're the first generation.

00:51:15They were allowed

00:51:16to be artists

00:51:17on a mass scale.

00:51:18You didn't have to work

00:51:19on your family business.

00:51:20You could go out,

00:51:21you could take drugs,

00:51:21rock and roll,

00:51:22you could do and be

00:51:23what you wanted to be

00:51:24out in the big city.

00:51:25And then the Baby Boomers

00:51:26had Generation X,

00:51:27and I don't care about them

00:51:28because I'm a millennial.

00:51:29We showed up,

00:51:30got a trophy for breathing,

00:51:31and then we invented Instagram.

00:51:32What's insane about Instagram

00:51:40is this.

00:51:41We use hashtags, right?

00:51:42Hashtag,

00:51:43formerly known as

00:51:44the pound sign.

00:51:47She got a makeover.

00:51:48What's weird about a hashtag

00:51:50is this.

00:51:52The more hashtags there are

00:51:54under a posted picture

00:51:55on Instagram,

00:51:56the less likely

00:51:58the last hashtag

00:51:59is going to have

00:52:00anything to do

00:52:01with that posted picture.

00:52:04You got more than

00:52:04four hashtags

00:52:05under your picture,

00:52:07you are witnessing

00:52:08a human thought process

00:52:09devolve.

00:52:11By the end,

00:52:12it's just word association.

00:52:14Free word association.

00:52:16Bunch of people on the beach,

00:52:174th of July, right?

00:52:18Fuck yeah!

00:52:19Hashtag 4th, bitches!

00:52:21Hashtag 4th.

00:52:22Hashtag Beach Day.

00:52:23Hashtag B-Day.

00:52:23Hashtag Independence Day.

00:52:24Hashtag Independent Woman.

00:52:25Hashtag Beyonce.

00:52:26Yes!

00:52:26Hashtag Bless.

00:52:27Hashtag I pay my bills.

00:52:28Hashtag Bikini Body.

00:52:29Hashtag Beach Body.

00:52:30Hashtag Bout That Life.

00:52:31Hashtag Don't Need a Man.

00:52:32Hashtag Don't Want a Man.

00:52:32Hashtag Never Had a Man.

00:52:33Hashtag Sometimes to Feel

00:52:34a Human Emotion.

00:52:34I like to drink my own hair.

00:52:36What?

00:52:37What?

00:52:39Say something.

00:52:42Talking about.

00:52:46And then,

00:52:47because we're so hard on women,

00:52:49we're mean to women

00:52:50when they're proud of their bodies

00:52:51on Instagram.

00:52:52We only allow women

00:52:53to post pictures

00:52:54when they're a work in progress.

00:52:55Right?

00:52:56Keep it going.

00:52:57And if you're ever like,

00:52:57this is as good as it gets,

00:52:58fucking check it out.

00:52:59And it's like,

00:53:00you whore,

00:53:01you showy fucking bitch.

00:53:02So instead of empowering women

00:53:04and letting them be proud of themselves,

00:53:06women have to shroud their pride

00:53:08in misdirect hashtags.

00:53:10So you got a generation of girls

00:53:11proud of their bodies

00:53:13in a bathroom like this,

00:53:14and rather than be like,

00:53:15hashtag check out my body,

00:53:16I'm so happy with myself,

00:53:18instead she's like,

00:53:19hashtag check out the grout work

00:53:20on these tiles.

00:53:21I was looking at that.

00:53:26I broke up with my boyfriend

00:53:27a couple months ago.

00:53:29Let me ask you a question.

00:53:30Have you ever dated someone

00:53:31who is so pretty,

00:53:34but so stupid?

00:53:40Notice,

00:53:41it's girls cheering.

00:53:42All the guys are like,

00:53:43yeah, I brought her here.

00:53:44Keep it moving.

00:53:45Keep it moving.

00:53:45I don't want to get in a fight.

00:53:52So men can do that.

00:53:54Women really can't.

00:53:56And the reasoning

00:53:58isn't because men are dicks.

00:53:59There's nothing like that.

00:54:00It has to do with

00:54:01the wiring of our brains.

00:54:03Men are visually stimulated.

00:54:04Women, unfortunately,

00:54:05are cerebrally stimulated.

00:54:07Men are visual creatures.

00:54:08They have to be attracted

00:54:10to a woman

00:54:10before they can get to know

00:54:12how amazing she is inside.

00:54:13They have to be

00:54:14a doodle date,

00:54:15a popsicle stick

00:54:16if it's got a wig.

00:54:17Like, it doesn't matter.

00:54:19That's why it's tough

00:54:20because on the one hand

00:54:21you want to be a feminist

00:54:22and you want to be like,

00:54:23I don't have to get ready

00:54:24for a man,

00:54:24but that's what

00:54:25they're attracted to.

00:54:26Just the littlest bit.

00:54:27Everybody's got that

00:54:28one girlfriend that's like,

00:54:29I don't get it.

00:54:29I volunteer

00:54:30and I rescue animals

00:54:31and I'm very sweet.

00:54:32And it's like,

00:54:32yeah, but you're so ugly.

00:54:33So you have to

00:54:34just brush the hair.

00:54:37Just anything.

00:54:38One tooth.

00:54:40You don't have to

00:54:43have it out there.

00:54:44You cannot check out

00:54:45your personality

00:54:46from across the room.

00:54:47That's all I'm saying.

00:54:48No man has ever done that.

00:54:50No man's ever seen a woman

00:54:51who's sitting there

00:54:51like nibbling on her nubs

00:54:52with like a gill

00:54:54and walked up

00:54:56and been like,

00:54:56excuse me,

00:54:57you're hideous,

00:54:58but you look like

00:54:59you might enjoy

00:54:59Tom Clancy

00:55:00light nipple play

00:55:01and barbecue.

00:55:02Is that true?

00:55:10And women do stuff

00:55:11to make themselves

00:55:12physically attractive.

00:55:13Even if you're not

00:55:14trying that hard,

00:55:15most of the stuff we do,

00:55:17it's just to get

00:55:17men's attention.

00:55:18Shiny hair.

00:55:19Why is your hair shiny?

00:55:19Because it makes you

00:55:20look fertile.

00:55:21Thanks, Pantene.

00:55:21But that's why.

00:55:22There's no reason

00:55:23other to have it shiny

00:55:24other than to get attention.

00:55:25You're not like deflecting

00:55:26a car light

00:55:26when you're running.

00:55:27That's why you want

00:55:28shiny hair.

00:55:28Big eyes.

00:55:29Look at me.

00:55:30My lips look like a vagina

00:55:31and my boobs look like a butt

00:55:32and my butt looks like boobs.

00:55:33I'm a Mrs. Fucking Potato Head

00:55:34mate with me.

00:55:35You may not like it,

00:55:39but I'm not wrong.

00:55:41Women are cerebrally stimulated.

00:55:43So that's why

00:55:44we're always saying

00:55:45the number one thing

00:55:45we look for in a man

00:55:46is a conversation, right?

00:55:48Someone I can talk to.

00:55:49Sends of humor.

00:55:51I have dated gutter goblins

00:55:53who are just like

00:55:54really funny and smart.

00:55:56I just want to talk to him.

00:55:57It's sexy.

00:55:57Conversation.

00:55:58I just want someone

00:55:58I can talk to.

00:55:59Just sit there and breathe, Steve.

00:56:00We need that back and forth.

00:56:03We have to be able to talk

00:56:04and it's something that we need

00:56:06and yet we're chastised for it.

00:56:08You ever been called

00:56:09a chatty Cathy?

00:56:10By an idiot?

00:56:11But still,

00:56:12you ever been called that?

00:56:13Couple of girls

00:56:14just yipping away, huh?

00:56:16She'll talk your ear off.

00:56:17Bunch of giblets in a hen house.

00:56:19No one says giblets in a hen house.

00:56:20That means that

00:56:20chicken's already dead.

00:56:23Women are always

00:56:24chastised for talking a lot.

00:56:27The reason women talk

00:56:28goes back thousands of years.

00:56:30The reason women talk a lot

00:56:31have a proclivity for speaking

00:56:33is when men would go out

00:56:36and hunt and fight

00:56:37and get animals,

00:56:38otherwise known as hunting.

00:56:40Go get an animal.

00:56:42Women stayed behind

00:56:43and we raised the kids

00:56:47and we made food

00:56:48and because the world

00:56:49wasn't really a thing yet,

00:56:51we exchanged survival secrets.

00:56:53We would tell each other

00:56:54things like,

00:56:55oh, don't eat that berry.

00:56:56It'll make your husband's

00:56:57dick fall off.

00:56:59Don't wipe with that leaf.

00:57:00I found in my studies

00:57:02that it really hurt your vagina.

00:57:04You had to exchange

00:57:05this information

00:57:06to keep your tribe alive.

00:57:07Now that's devolved

00:57:08to what color lip gloss,

00:57:09but it's the exchange

00:57:10of information.

00:57:12Girls gather and then share.

00:57:14So guys,

00:57:14when we're talking

00:57:15and it bothers you,

00:57:16just know we're trying

00:57:17to make it

00:57:18so your dick doesn't fall off.

00:57:19That's all we're doing.

00:57:21Trying to help you.

00:57:23Trying to help you live.

00:57:24Nothing wrong with it.

00:57:31I'll say it.

00:57:32I'm a feminist.

00:57:32I'll say it.

00:57:33You know what?

00:57:34I'll say it for the women

00:57:34that don't know to say it.

00:57:36And you might not

00:57:36be comfortable with it.

00:57:38Because a lot of women

00:57:39out there are like,

00:57:39I love being a woman,

00:57:40but I'm not a feminist.

00:57:41I'm like,

00:57:42what are you, a horse?

00:57:42Like, what are the other options?

00:57:45Let me clarify it

00:57:46for the men and the women

00:57:49who might not have

00:57:50a clear idea.

00:57:51Being a feminist means

00:57:52you just want to be

00:57:53treated fairly.

00:57:54You just want it even.

00:57:55No more, no less.

00:57:56Maybe like a little bit more.

00:57:57You just want to get the same.

00:57:59And a lot of women

00:58:00don't like to say

00:58:00that they're feminists

00:58:01because they don't think

00:58:02it sounds attractive, right?

00:58:04Which is inherently

00:58:05an issue in and of itself.

00:58:07Because men think feminists,

00:58:08they have a bad idea of it.

00:58:09Guys think feminists.

00:58:10They think some square-jawed broad

00:58:12with three chin hairs

00:58:12and a power suit.

00:58:13Like, I'm going to kick you

00:58:14in the dick and take your job.

00:58:15It's not what we want.

00:58:17Just want it even.

00:58:19If we're going to be feminists,

00:58:20let's start with something fun.

00:58:21Wage gap?

00:58:22Got to close that.

00:58:24But let's start with something

00:58:24everybody wants to deal with.

00:58:26Yeah, well for sure.

00:58:27Duh.

00:58:28Let's start with porn.

00:58:33Because even if you're a woman

00:58:35and you love being a porn star,

00:58:36it's still you taking it

00:58:38for like three hours.

00:58:39You're getting paid 30% less

00:58:41and he's actually getting off.

00:58:42So let's make some

00:58:43feminist porn.

00:58:45Let's see a porn

00:58:46where a girl kicks a door

00:58:47and like,

00:58:48who wants to lick it?

00:58:50Line up!

00:58:50Go!

00:58:51Go!

00:58:55Next!

00:58:56Go!

00:58:58Beat your best time.

00:58:59Go!

00:59:03That's so gross.

00:59:05It's so off-brand.

00:59:06It's so gross.

00:59:07Now a lot of everything,

00:59:08all the girls are cheering

00:59:09because in theory,

00:59:10that's empowering.

00:59:11But in practice,

00:59:12horrific.

00:59:13That would be horrible.

00:59:15No woman could withstand it.

00:59:16Halfway through the second guy,

00:59:17we'd all be like,

00:59:18okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

00:59:20It's sensitive.

00:59:21I need a minute.

00:59:25I just need a minute.

00:59:26I just need a minute.

00:59:27Don't hug me.

00:59:28I'm not mad.

00:59:28I just need a minute.

00:59:31Why don't you go order us a pizza?

00:59:33I'll fire up my Pinterest page.

00:59:34Let me ask you a question.

00:59:40This is for the girls in the audience.

00:59:42It's a very real question.

00:59:43Very real statement.

00:59:44Have you ever been,

00:59:45have you ever been

00:59:46having sex with your boyfriend

00:59:48and you're not into it,

00:59:49like obviously,

00:59:50and then all of a sudden

00:59:51you start to get really excited?

00:59:53not so much

00:59:55from physical stimulation,

00:59:56but because mentally

00:59:57you're like,

00:59:58this is almost done.

01:00:12And when it is done,

01:00:13we shall go to

01:00:15the farmer's market.

01:00:18You plan out the whole day.

01:00:19Guys,

01:00:22you have to make sure

01:00:23her head is in the game.

01:00:25No pun intended,

01:00:25but like pun intended for sure.

01:00:28I don't think we check in

01:00:29with each other enough

01:00:30as opposite sexes.

01:00:31And men think

01:00:32because she's making the noises

01:00:33they hear in the movie,

01:00:34she must be enjoying it.

01:00:35And women are like,

01:00:36I'm making the noises.

01:00:37Let's fucking get this over with.

01:00:39You have to,

01:00:40if you care about the girl,

01:00:41you've got to make sure

01:00:42that she's getting

01:00:42what she wants.

01:00:43And girls,

01:00:44the best thing you can do

01:00:45if you have great sex,

01:00:46the best thing you can do

01:00:47the second sex is over

01:00:48is not talk to him.

01:00:53Sounds horrible.

01:00:54It's actually to your benefit.

01:00:56That's not your boyfriend

01:00:57lying next to you.

01:00:59That is a husk of a man

01:01:01depleted of all bodily fluids,

01:01:06incapable of giving you

01:01:09the answer you deserve.

01:01:10And I get it.

01:01:11You just had sex.

01:01:12You're feeling great.

01:01:13Oxytocin is flowing.

01:01:14You just hosted

01:01:14a human being inside of you.

01:01:16You love him

01:01:18and you want to talk

01:01:19about the future.

01:01:20He can't do it.

01:01:21You look at him,

01:01:22you're like,

01:01:22oh my God,

01:01:22what are you thinking about?

01:01:23He's laying there,

01:01:25dust, like.

01:01:32Get him a Gatorade,

01:01:34give him five.

01:01:36He can't answer you.

01:01:37You're going to be like,

01:01:38what are you thinking about?

01:01:39He'll never,

01:01:40ever be like,

01:01:41you in a wedding dress.

01:01:48But guys,

01:01:48if you love your girl,

01:01:50check in with her

01:01:51because you're far away.

01:01:52She's all the way up there

01:01:53and you're back here

01:01:53like, oh my God,

01:01:54I'm amazing.

01:01:55I'll bet she fucking loves this.

01:01:57And we're down there like,

01:01:58I wonder if lavender's in season.

01:02:06Go back there.

01:02:07Siri is lavender.

01:02:13Calling mom,

01:02:15sell.

01:02:15No, Siri.

01:02:18Snap.

01:02:23The moral of that story is

01:02:24I was in a relationship

01:02:26and I wasn't happy

01:02:27so I left the relationship.

01:02:29I'm not advocating

01:02:30for leaving the person you're with.

01:02:31What I am advocating for is this.

01:02:33If you're not happy,

01:02:34there's no reason to stay

01:02:35out of fear

01:02:36of being alone.

01:02:38We like to scare women.

01:02:43And I'm sure there are men

01:02:44that feel this way,

01:02:45but we like to scare women

01:02:46when they're single

01:02:47and we like to be mean to them

01:02:49and we label them.

01:02:50We say mean things to them.

01:02:52She's a spinster,

01:02:53old maid,

01:02:55really involved with animal rescue.

01:02:56Like,

01:02:56we have names like that.

01:02:58And we like to question them

01:03:01as if there's something wrong.

01:03:02Why are you single?

01:03:03Because the last one was a dick

01:03:04and I'm not stupid.

01:03:05Like,

01:03:06that's why you do it.

01:03:09Nobody wakes up married.

01:03:11Nobody is born betrothed to someone.

01:03:14We have to be kinder to women

01:03:15and stop doing it.

01:03:16And we have the audacity

01:03:18to have magazines,

01:03:19self-help books,

01:03:21articles posing the question,

01:03:22you're single.

01:03:23Now what?

01:03:24You're single.

01:03:25Now what?

01:03:25What the fuck do you mean?

01:03:26What do you mean now what?

01:03:27Now I shave off an eyebrow

01:03:28and take up with wolves.

01:03:29What do you mean now what?

01:03:31What do you mean now what?

01:03:32I got a mortgage.

01:03:33How about fuck bitches get money?

01:03:36Let's do this.

01:03:48What upsets me

01:03:49is that women spend so much time

01:03:51and energy

01:03:52flogging themselves mentally

01:03:54for being single

01:03:55and changing

01:03:56and trying different methods

01:03:57and looking for guys.

01:03:58And men don't have to do that.

01:04:00They have the luxury

01:04:00of just relaxing

01:04:01because they don't have eggs.

01:04:02There are no articles

01:04:03in GQ

01:04:05like you're single.

01:04:07Now what?

01:04:07There's none of that.

01:04:09Because the answer

01:04:10would always be

01:04:10now I can jerk off

01:04:11where I want.

01:04:12No one bugs me.

01:04:12Hashtag sandwich.

01:04:20Good part about traveling

01:04:21for the last year.

01:04:22I've had more time for myself.

01:04:25More time for my research.

01:04:27I don't do research.

01:04:30I just watch TV.

01:04:31But I wear a lab coat

01:04:33while I do it

01:04:34for the tax write-off.

01:04:38Before we get out of here,

01:04:39before we conclude this TED Talk,

01:04:41does everybody here

01:04:45watch Shark Tank?

01:04:46All I want is a live episode

01:04:57of Shark Tank.

01:04:58That's what I want.

01:04:59A live episode.

01:05:01It's a reality show.

01:05:02But if you watch it,

01:05:03you'll notice it's heavily edited,

01:05:05heavily produced,

01:05:06and what bothers me

01:05:07is the presentations

01:05:09from the entrepreneurs

01:05:10are too polished.

01:05:12There's no grit to them.

01:05:13They come out

01:05:13like a fifth grade

01:05:14Thanksgiving pageant

01:05:15like the natives

01:05:16called it maize.

01:05:17We bottled it.

01:05:17I don't want to fucking

01:05:18see that, okay?

01:05:19I want to see you mess up.

01:05:21I want to see you trip.

01:05:23Maybe you forget your words.

01:05:24Maybe you chip a tooth.

01:05:25I want to see you crumble

01:05:27as an entity

01:05:28before my eyes.

01:05:29Only then will I tolerate

01:05:31you rising from the ashes

01:05:32with any degree of hubris.

01:05:34That's the way to consume

01:05:35American reality TV.

01:05:37The sheer schadenfreude

01:05:38of watching someone

01:05:39shit themselves on TV

01:05:40and then building that back up.

01:05:42That's what we like to see, okay?

01:05:47These are cattle farmers

01:05:48from the middle of Iowa

01:05:50and they get in front of a camera

01:05:51and all of a sudden

01:05:52they're Winston Churchill.

01:05:53I don't buy it, okay?

01:05:56I speak for a living

01:05:57and even I mess up

01:05:58so there's no way

01:05:59these two fucking die jobs

01:06:01from ASU

01:06:01with like a new take on cookies.

01:06:03There's no way

01:06:04flawlessly orating.

01:06:07There are three archetypes

01:06:09of women

01:06:10that they like to have

01:06:11on Shark Tank.

01:06:12They love to have moms

01:06:13because most of us have moms.

01:06:19But what's crazy

01:06:21and like creepy

01:06:22is that all the moms

01:06:24on Shark Tank

01:06:25have the exact same voice.

01:06:28It's a little Stepfordian.

01:06:30They all sound like this.

01:06:32Hi, Sharks.

01:06:33My name's Nancy

01:06:34from Laguna Niguel

01:06:35and I've discovered

01:06:36a new way

01:06:37to get your toddler

01:06:38to eat their blueberries.

01:06:39Ah!

01:06:47Then they have

01:06:47really smart women.

01:06:48They do.

01:06:49They'll have brilliant women

01:06:50but it seems

01:06:51but it seems that

01:06:51the smarter the woman

01:06:52the longer the last name

01:06:54like they'll hyphenate

01:06:55their last names.

01:06:56I can't stand hyphenated

01:06:57last names.

01:06:58If you're in this room

01:06:59and you got a hyphenated

01:06:59last name,

01:07:00chop it!

01:07:01Chop it!

01:07:03Okay?

01:07:04You're not Spanish royalty.

01:07:05Chop it!

01:07:06I barely care about

01:07:07your first name.

01:07:10Let alone the entire

01:07:11questionable heritage.

01:07:12When you have

01:07:14a hyphenated last name

01:07:15all that makes me think

01:07:16is that mama was

01:07:17a big old strong lesbian

01:07:18and she didn't want

01:07:19to give up her family

01:07:20inheritance

01:07:20and she begrudgingly

01:07:21married your father

01:07:22now they have

01:07:22an arrangement

01:07:23separate twin beds

01:07:24and are like

01:07:24co-women's studies

01:07:25professors at Wellesley.

01:07:26That's what that tells me.

01:07:30It's also just

01:07:31so much information.

01:07:32I'm trying to hear you,

01:07:33your valuation,

01:07:34listen to the equity

01:07:35and you're coming up there

01:07:36with a phone book

01:07:37like,

01:07:37Hi Sharks!

01:07:38My name's Michelle

01:07:39lead to Julia

01:07:39Friedman Cereal

01:07:40and I'm Rebecca Lynn

01:07:41Stacy Fitzgerald Yang

01:07:43and together

01:07:43we sound like

01:07:44five dudes.

01:07:45Like it's a lot

01:07:46of information.

01:07:49Are you inventors

01:07:50or a law firm?

01:07:51Like what is that?

01:07:53And then in the

01:07:54final category,

01:07:55the toy category,

01:07:57we have the hot women.

01:07:59Not attractive,

01:08:00not cute,

01:08:01fucking hot.

01:08:02Teeth, tan,

01:08:03tits, hair,

01:08:03Sharks!

01:08:07Sometimes they do this.

01:08:09They'll have very smart

01:08:09women on that show.

01:08:10Sometimes it feels like

01:08:11the hotter the woman,

01:08:13the dumber the product.

01:08:15And I believe it's done

01:08:16to keep us in line.

01:08:17But a lot of time

01:08:20the women's products

01:08:20will have to do

01:08:21with one of two categories.

01:08:22It's either wrangling

01:08:23your femininity.

01:08:25Sharks,

01:08:26it's a flap

01:08:27you put over your vagina

01:08:28so no one knows

01:08:29you have one.

01:08:34Move through the workplace

01:08:35with ease.

01:08:37Or it's a product

01:08:39so stupid

01:08:40it will just confirm

01:08:42any preconceived notions

01:08:43you might have

01:08:44about female intelligence.

01:08:45Like,

01:08:46Sharks,

01:08:46it's a shower cap

01:08:48that you can wear

01:08:49while you're cooking

01:08:50so your hair doesn't smell.

01:08:52Pfft!

01:08:52No!

01:09:00You just set us back

01:09:01like a week

01:09:01with that shit, Lexi.

01:09:04But that's the one

01:09:05that I'd like to see live.

01:09:06The hot one.

01:09:07Because I believe

01:09:09watching an attractive woman

01:09:11mentally unravel

01:09:13on national television

01:09:15is the reason

01:09:16we all watch reality TV.

01:09:20Up next are two sisters

01:09:21from Scottsdale, Arizona

01:09:23with a new take

01:09:24on popcorn.

01:09:37Jiggle jiggle.

01:09:40One, two, three.

01:09:42Hi, Sharks!

01:09:43My name's Madison.

01:09:45Duh.

01:09:45It's always named Madison, right?

01:09:47And this is my sister,

01:09:49Michaela.

01:09:49Right,

01:09:50they're always named Michaela.

01:09:51Fucking obviously.

01:09:52And together,

01:09:53we are the inventors,

01:09:55creators,

01:09:56and CEOs of...

01:09:59Put your back against mine.

01:10:15CEOs of...

01:10:17Put your fucking back

01:10:18against mine.

01:10:19What the fuck are you doing?

01:10:21What the fuck are you doing?

01:10:24We do this,

01:10:24then we do the product,

01:10:25yes.

01:10:26Oh my fucking God,

01:10:27yes.

01:10:27We do this,

01:10:28then the product,

01:10:28we haven't done the product yet.

01:10:29Yes, we can't start over.

01:10:30We can't start over.

01:10:31That's what that light is.

01:10:32It's alive.

01:10:33It's fucking live, bitch.

01:10:34Yes.

01:10:35We can't start...

01:10:36Can we start over?

01:10:37No.

01:10:37I got nothing.

01:10:41Oh my God.

01:10:41I'm not yelling at you.

01:10:42I'm not yelling at you.

01:10:43I'm not yelling at you.

01:10:44I'm not fucking yelling at you.

01:10:44I'm not making it about me.

01:10:46I'm not...

01:10:46Do not do this here.

01:10:47It's fucking live, team.

01:10:48I'm not making it about me.

01:10:49You're making it about me,

01:10:50making it about you making it about me and I'm not making it about me in the first fucking place.

01:10:52I am trying. I am trying to make this. Oh my God. Okay. Just stay there. I will do it. I will do it.

01:10:56Just stay there. Stay there. I will handle it. Just stay there you fucking casualty. Okay. The other day

01:11:02my sister and I were at home eating popcorn and crying and we got down to the bottom of the bag

01:11:10and shake, shake, shake. What was left at the bottom? All the unpopped kernels. That's when my

01:11:16sister and I decided that we should put your fucking back against mine. Put your fucking back

01:11:27against mine. What the fuck are you doing? I am trying. No. No. You're not going to fucking do this to me

01:11:32again. I need a fucking minute. No. I am trying to keep this family together. Do you not understand

01:11:36that? No. Is it not about me? I'm trying to help. This is nothing like when daddy died. You are being

01:11:41a bitch. I am trying to save this family. She does this. She does this every time. We

01:11:46can't turn over. Everybody's going to know that you're a fucking. Everybody's going to

01:11:49know. I wasn't flirting with your husband. You are so fucking insecure. Oh my God. Because

01:11:54I slept with your boyfriend in high school. I need her an act to be gay. No. It wasn't

01:11:57your fault. Big fucking deal. You know what it was? He wanted to talk about your birthday

01:12:01so that fucking Michaela could turn 40 for the third time. You're a fucking bitch. I need

01:12:06a fucking minute. I need a fucking minute. I need a Madison minute. Hold on. I'm fucking

01:12:13good. I'm fucking good. Let's fucking do it. You want to go? Shit. I don't care. I am

01:12:19trying. I am not. I can't. I can't. Why are the walls bleeding? I can't do this. I can't

01:12:24fucking do this. I can't do this. You're being a bitch. I shit. I shit my pants. Yeah. Good

01:12:29news. It's not shit. It's blood. It's blood. You fucking monster. I am trying. I can't.

01:12:33No. You know what? I am keeping it together. I am the stable one. I am keeping it. I am

01:12:38not. I am not yelling. I am not yelling. I am not yelling. Huh? What? Yes. It's a hive.

01:12:43This happens. It happens every time you open your fucking whore mouth. Yes. I know. I am

01:12:49not trying. I am a good feminist. I shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry. I am sorry. I am

01:12:54my tan is dripping off. I am not yelling. I am not yelling. I am using the vocabulary

01:13:09that Dr. Goldstein told us to use. I am requesting that you hear my

01:13:21desire to communicate in an open way and put your... She's ruining it. She's ruining

01:13:35everything. It's my... It's my... It's my... Oh, my God. She's ruining it. This is a big

01:13:42deal. We put everything... We put everything into this company. Did you really? No, but my

01:13:46mom did. I'm trying to keep it together. Everybody depends on me because we spent

01:13:53all of our money on our first company and it shat the bed. What was your first

01:13:57company? I'm going to tell them. I'm going to tell them and you're going to look like

01:14:04the fucking psycho bitch that you are. Everyone's going to know and you fucking son. I'm going

01:14:08to fucking... I'm going to tell the cameras. Is this camera still on? Good. I'm going to

01:14:11fuck you. Do you remember when... Fuck, it's like stuck right here in my nose. Do you remember

01:14:37when our country went through a recession and everybody was losing their homes and their

01:14:43money? My sister and I decided that rather than save up or go back to school, we would

01:14:48do what every other girl without a marketable skill did. We opened up a cupcake company. I don't know if you noticed,

01:15:05but during the recession, there was a fucking boom in the confection industry. That's because it doesn't

01:15:11take a fucking rocket science degree to shit out like an okay cupcake. And like, no one's going to say

01:15:16no to a cupcake. Like people will spend their last dollar and they're not going to be like, no, they'll be like,

01:15:20oh, thank you, a cupcake. My day's okay for a minute. And we were feeding people these cupcakes and they were

01:15:26like upside down on their houses and they were jobless and we were feeding these depressed

01:15:30people cupcakes. And it's a scientific fact that obesity and depression have a direct correlation.

01:15:35We were just feeding the belly of the beast from within the belly of the beast and capitalizing

01:15:39off it. People needed answers. They needed a viable option for a home line of credit, not a buttercream.

01:15:45Put your fucking back against mine. I swear to Christ, Michaela, if you ruin this for me,

01:15:49I will fuck your husband. Screw it. Cut. I should have been a mermaid.

01:16:19But you don'tudor coach what you do inside out just because you can use the muscles with a

01:16:36animal and for people doing history.

01:16:36I mean, you can see it, I disagree, I agree, but let's do it.

01:16:43But you'll give me a differentathan and the weapon alone, and you'll know we should be

01:16:47We'll see you next time.

Category

Transcript

Comments

Recommended