George Carlin Life Is Worth Losing (2005) Watch HD

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George Carlin: Life Is Worth Losing (2005) is a stand-up comedy special featuring the iconic comedian sharing observations on everyday life, human behavior, and society with his unique wit and insight. The performance delivers clever humor, thoughtful reflections, and entertaining commentary suitable for a wide audience.   Featuring engaging delivery and sharp storytelling, George Carlin: Life Is Worth Losing (2005) emphasizes clever observations, humor, and the art of comedy. Its entertaining and accessible style makes it suitable for fans of stand-up and witty performances.   Perfect for fans of comedy specials, observational humor, and engaging performances, this film delivers laughter, insight, and memorable comedic moments.

Transcript

00:00:00Transcribed by —

00:00:30Thank you, thank you.

00:01:00Thank you very much.

00:01:06I'm a modern man, a man for the millennium, digital and smoke-free, a diversified multicultural

00:01:12postmodern deconstructionist, politically, anatomically, and ecologically incorrect.

00:01:16I've been uplinked and downloaded.

00:01:18I've been inputted and outsourced.

00:01:19I know the upside of downsizing.

00:01:21I know the downside of upgrading.

00:01:23I'm a high-tech lowlife, a cutting-edge, state-of-the-art, bi-coastal multitasker, and I can give you a gigabyte

00:01:28in a nanosecond.

00:01:30I'm new wave, but I'm old school, and my inner child is outward-bound.

00:01:35I'm a hot-wired, heat-seeking, warm-hearted, cool customer, voice-activated and biodegradable.

00:01:39I interface with my database.

00:01:41My database is in cyberspace, so I'm interactive, I'm hyperactive, and from time to time, I'm

00:01:45radioactive.

00:01:45Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, riding the wave, dodging the bullet, pushing

00:01:54the envelope.

00:01:55I'm on point, on task, on message, and off drugs.

00:01:58I got no need for coke and speed.

00:02:00I got no urge to binge and purge.

00:02:01I'm in the moment, on the edge, over the top, but under the radar.

00:02:04A high-concept, low-profile, medium-range, ballistic missionary.

00:02:07A streetwise smart bomb.

00:02:09A top gun bottom feeder.

00:02:10I wear power ties.

00:02:11I tell power lies.

00:02:12I take power naps.

00:02:13I run victory laps.

00:02:14I'm a totally ongoing Bigfoot slam-dunk rainmaker with a proactive outreach.

00:02:18A raging workaholic.

00:02:20A working rageaholic.

00:02:21Out of rehab and in denial.

00:02:31I got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant, and a personal agenda.

00:02:36You can't shut me up.

00:02:37You can't dumb me down, because I'm tireless and I'm wireless.

00:02:41I'm an alpha male on beta blockers.

00:02:44I'm a non-believer and an overachiever, laid back but fashion-forward.

00:02:48Up front, down-home, low-rent, high-maintenance.

00:02:51Super-sized, long-lasting, high-definition, fast-acting, oven-ready, and built to last.

00:02:55I'm a hands-on, footloose, knee-jerk, headcase.

00:02:57Prematurely post-traumatic, and I have a love child who sends me hate mail.

00:03:02But I'm feeling, I'm caring, I'm healing, I'm sharing.

00:03:06A supportive, bonding, nurturing primary caregiver.

00:03:08My output is down, but my income is up.

00:03:10I take a short position on the long bond, and my revenue stream has its own cash flow.

00:03:14I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds, I watch trash sports.

00:03:18I'm gender-specific, capital-intensive, user-friendly, and lactose intolerant.

00:03:25I like rough sex.

00:03:27I like rough sex.

00:03:28I like tough love.

00:03:29I use the F-word in my email, and the software on my hard drive is hardcore.

00:03:33No soft porn.

00:03:34I bought a microwave at a mini-mall.

00:03:36I bought a minivan at a megastore.

00:03:38I eat fast food in the slow lane.

00:03:40I'm toll-free, bite-sized, ready-to-wear, and I come in all sizes.

00:03:44A fully equipped, factory-authorized, hospital-tested, clinically-proven, scientifically-formulated

00:03:48medical miracle.

00:03:49I've been pre-washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated,

00:03:53freeze-dried, double-wrapped, vacuum-packed, and I have an unlimited broadband capacity.

00:03:58I'm a rude dude, but I'm the real deal.

00:04:09Lean and mean, cocked, locked, and ready to rock.

00:04:11Rough, tough, and hard to bluff.

00:04:13I take it slow.

00:04:14I go with the flow.

00:04:15I ride with the tide.

00:04:16I got glide in my stride.

00:04:17Driving and moving, sailing and spinning, jiving and grooving, wailing and winning.

00:04:21I don't snooze, so I don't lose.

00:04:23I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road.

00:04:25I party hardy, and lunchtime is crunch time.

00:04:28I'm hanging in, there ain't no doubt, and I'm hanging tough, over and out.

00:04:39Thank you very much.

00:04:42Good to go.

00:04:47Hey, I got 341 days sober, and next year's my 50th anniversary of show business.

00:04:53Let's do a fucking show, huh?

00:04:55You know something people don't talk about in public anymore?

00:05:08Pussy farts.

00:05:09So, anyway.

00:05:23Now, I said that on my last HBO show, and apparently some people don't know what a pussy fart is.

00:05:28Because I got some inquiries.

00:05:31Here's the deal.

00:05:32A pussy fart is like when you're making love to a woman who's got a little extra air in her vagina.

00:05:39And every time you thrust forward, it's kind of a...

00:05:42And the two of you are just lying there, each is wondering if the other one farted.

00:06:03And the man is usually thinking, maybe she farts when she comes.

00:06:06Maybe she took a shit.

00:06:11Man, I gotta stay out of that fucking bar.

00:06:20Another word you don't hear too often is dingleberries.

00:06:23You know, you never hear it on Meet the Press.

00:06:28The dingleberry solution, dingleberry gate, nothing.

00:06:33I think it's because dingleberries is one of them words you don't say too much past your 10th birthday.

00:06:38It's not a grown-up's word.

00:06:40It's a kid's word.

00:06:41Dingleberries!

00:06:41Always sounded kind of Christmassy to me.

00:06:47Don't you think it has a holiday ring to it?

00:06:50Dingleberries!

00:06:51John, you might want to hang some dingleberries over the front door.

00:06:56Then when Marianne comes over, she can kiss you under the dingleberries.

00:07:00It is to be devoutly wished that she would kiss me under the dingleberries.

00:07:09Cornhole is another word you don't hear enough.

00:07:11You don't hear that nearly enough, you know?

00:07:14It's a good word.

00:07:14It's a solid word.

00:07:16It's a tough word.

00:07:17It's a man's kind of word.

00:07:18It's got a masculine sound.

00:07:20It's like shotgun and ash can and tow truck.

00:07:24Cornhole.

00:07:26Everything's been sanitized now and cleaned up.

00:07:29First with these fucking Christians.

00:07:30You just start with them.

00:07:32You know.

00:07:33I mean, you know.

00:07:34That's just one.

00:07:35Believe it or not.

00:07:35Yeah.

00:07:37You know.

00:07:37Well, let's not leave out these PC campus liberal assholes.

00:07:44I mean, they're just as fucking bad from a different direction.

00:07:47But everything's different.

00:07:49Everything's been polished up now.

00:07:51It's anal intercourse.

00:07:53Anal rake.

00:07:54Bullshit.

00:07:55Cornhole.

00:07:56Now, I'm a big fan of the primetime crime shows.

00:08:04I like all of them pretty much.

00:08:06You know, I like Law & Order and all the spinoffs of that.

00:08:09I like CSI and all of those spinoffs.

00:08:12Yeah, because they're forensic shows, you know?

00:08:14And I'm just waiting for one night to be sitting there watching one of them shows.

00:08:18And the chief medical examiner turns to the lead detective and says,

00:08:22Steve, it looks to me like after they killed this guy,

00:08:25the perpetrators rolled him over and cornholed him about 30 or 40.

00:08:29Look at that.

00:08:30Look.

00:08:35That there is a posthumous multiple cornhole entry wound.

00:08:39In prison, it's a social activity.

00:08:46Yeah, it's right up there on the bulletin board.

00:08:48Checkers, handball, cornholing.

00:08:53Now, just to change the subject a little bit,

00:08:57do you realize, do you realize

00:09:00that right this second, right now,

00:09:04somewhere around the world,

00:09:07some guy is getting ready to kill himself?

00:09:12Isn't that great?

00:09:14Isn't that great?

00:09:16Did you ever stop and think about that kind of shit?

00:09:19I do.

00:09:21It's fun.

00:09:23And it's interesting.

00:09:24And it's true.

00:09:26Right this second,

00:09:27some guy is getting ready to bite the big bazooka.

00:09:31Because statistics show

00:09:32that every year,

00:09:34a million people commit suicide.

00:09:36A million.

00:09:38That's 2,800 a day.

00:09:41That's one every 30 seconds.

00:09:48There goes another guy.

00:09:50And I say guy,

00:09:53I say guy,

00:09:54because men are four times more likely

00:09:56than women to commit suicide,

00:09:58even though women attempted more.

00:10:00So men are better at it.

00:10:04That's something else you gals

00:10:05will want to be working on.

00:10:08Well, if you want to be truly equal,

00:10:10you're going to have to start taking your own lives

00:10:12in greater numbers.

00:10:13But I just think it's interesting to know.

00:10:22Interesting.

00:10:22That's a big word in this show for me.

00:10:25Interesting to know that at any moment,

00:10:28the odds are good

00:10:29that some guy is dragging a chair

00:10:31across the garage floor,

00:10:33trying to get it right underneath that ceiling beam.

00:10:37Wouldn't want to be too far off center.

00:10:38If it's worth doing,

00:10:40it's worth doing, right?

00:10:43Somewhere else,

00:10:43another guy is going over

00:10:44and getting a gun out of a dresser drawer.

00:10:48Somebody else is opening up

00:10:49a brand new package of razor blades.

00:10:52Maybe he's struggling

00:10:53with the cellophane a little bit, you know?

00:10:55Ah, shit,

00:10:56it's always something.

00:10:58God damn it.

00:10:58Fuck shit.

00:10:59I just think that's interesting as hell.

00:11:06That's probably the most interesting thing

00:11:07you can do with your life.

00:11:09End it.

00:11:11I don't think I could do that, though.

00:11:13Could you?

00:11:13God.

00:11:14I couldn't commit suicide

00:11:16if my life depended on it.

00:11:18But I understand it, you know?

00:11:20I think I do.

00:11:21I don't wonder about it.

00:11:22I don't wonder,

00:11:22well, why did he do that

00:11:23and what was going through his mind?

00:11:25You know what I wonder?

00:11:26Where did he find a fucking time?

00:11:29Who's got time to be committing suicide?

00:11:31Aren't you busy?

00:11:31I got shit to do.

00:11:34Suicide would be way down on my list.

00:11:37Probably down past lighting my own house on fire.

00:11:42I might want to try a little self-mutilation first.

00:11:46You know, take a couple of hunks out of my arm.

00:11:49See if I like the general idea.

00:11:53Because you've got to have priorities, man.

00:11:55You know?

00:11:56And you've got to have a plan, too,

00:11:57for something like that.

00:11:58You've got to plan that shit.

00:11:59People don't just run out the house

00:12:01and jump off a bridge.

00:12:02There are things you have to decide.

00:12:05Timing is important.

00:12:07When you're going to do it?

00:12:09Well, let me see now.

00:12:12Wednesday's out.

00:12:13Got to take Timmy to the circus.

00:12:18Survivor's on on Thursday.

00:12:20Friday, Friday, I got my colon cleansing.

00:12:27Folks are coming over on Sunday.

00:12:33Sunday.

00:12:36By God, that'd be just a thing.

00:12:38Maybe Mom will find my body.

00:12:40Serve her right for fucking me up the way she did.

00:12:43Then you have to pick a method.

00:12:48How are you going to do it?

00:12:50Well, let me see now.

00:12:52Afraid of heights?

00:12:53That's no good.

00:12:55Can't swallow pills.

00:12:56Don't like the sight of blood.

00:12:58Fucking oven's electric.

00:13:03I'd lie down in front of a train,

00:13:04except the Amtrak didn't come through here in 30 goddamn years.

00:13:07Maybe I'll just take a gun

00:13:10and shoot myself in the mouth.

00:13:13Ah, suppose I miss.

00:13:16People be laughing at me.

00:13:19Suppose I live.

00:13:20I have a big fucking hole in my head.

00:13:23Have to wear some kind of dumbass hat.

00:13:28Well, I guess I just hang myself.

00:13:30That'd be good.

00:13:32Got to get a rope.

00:13:35Oh, shit, it's always something.

00:13:37I got a rope in the garage.

00:13:41It's got a lot of grease and paint on it.

00:13:44Don't want to get this stuff on my neck.

00:13:48Walmart's having a special on rope this weekend.

00:13:51No sense spending a lot of money to kill myself.

00:13:54Then again, I can always put it on my credit card.

00:13:56I'll never have to pay the fucking thing.

00:14:01That's it, then.

00:14:02I'm hanging myself, and Walmart's paying for it.

00:14:04What's next?

00:14:09A note.

00:14:10Oh, Jesus.

00:14:12Got to express myself.

00:14:14Hell, if I could express myself,

00:14:16I wouldn't have been thinking of doing something like this.

00:14:19Where's a pen?

00:14:21You can never find a pen.

00:14:24Told the kids not to move the pen away from that telephone.

00:14:26Goddamn kids.

00:14:29Let's just kill them, too.

00:14:32Make it one in them family package deals.

00:14:36Ah, here's a pen.

00:14:37I'll just jam it into my fucking neck and get it over with.

00:14:42Let's see now.

00:14:43Where do you put the date?

00:14:46Upper left.

00:14:48I can never remember that.

00:14:51To whom it may concern.

00:14:54Ah, sounds kind of impersonal.

00:14:58Dear Marzell.

00:15:01Leaves out the kids.

00:15:02I know.

00:15:04Hey, guys, guess what?

00:15:07Keep on reading.

00:15:09How are you?

00:15:10I hope you are fine.

00:15:12I am not fine.

00:15:15As you can no doubt tell from me hanging here from the ceiling fixture.

00:15:20You are the ones who drove me to this.

00:15:22I was doing just fine until you fuckers came along.

00:15:28I hope you're happy now that I'm goddamn dead.

00:15:31Sign, the corpse in this room.

00:15:34P.S.

00:15:35Fuck you, people.

00:15:39Yeah.

00:15:41Good enough.

00:15:45That would be a good note.

00:15:47I don't think a writer could ever commit suicide.

00:15:48Do you?

00:15:49Writer would be too busy working on a note all goddamn year.

00:15:52Trying to get it just right.

00:15:53First draft, second draft, third revision, whole new ending.

00:15:56Finally, turn it into a book proposal and have a reason to live.

00:16:00That wouldn't work.

00:16:01I think about stuff like that.

00:16:02It's interesting to me.

00:16:03Like I said, certain things are interesting.

00:16:05Suicide's interesting.

00:16:06Life is filled with interesting things.

00:16:08That's why I could never commit suicide.

00:16:10I'm having too much fun keeping an eye on you folks.

00:16:13Watching what you do.

00:16:14Human behavior.

00:16:15That's what I like.

00:16:17Humans do some really interesting things.

00:16:19Like, besides killing ourselves, we also kill each other.

00:16:23Murder.

00:16:24And we're the only ones who do that, by the way.

00:16:26We're the only species on Earth that deliberately kills members of our own species for personal gain.

00:16:31Or pleasure.

00:16:32Sometimes it's just fun.

00:16:34We're also the only species that deliberately kills members of another species for personal gain.

00:16:39Or pleasure.

00:16:40That's what hunters do.

00:16:40They kill for pleasure.

00:16:41That's us.

00:16:42Human beings.

00:16:43Interesting folks.

00:16:45Murderers.

00:16:45Here's an interesting form of murder we come up with.

00:16:50Assassination.

00:16:51You know what's interesting about assassination?

00:16:53Well, not only does it change those popularity polls in a big fucking hurry.

00:16:57But it's also interesting to notice who it is we assassinate.

00:17:02Do you ever notice who it is?

00:17:03Stop to think of who it is we kill.

00:17:05It's always people who've told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another.

00:17:09Jesus, Gandhi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, John Lennon.

00:17:16They all said, try to live together peacefully.

00:17:18Bam!

00:17:20Right in the fucking head.

00:17:27Apparently we're not ready for that.

00:17:31Yeah.

00:17:32That's difficult behavior for us.

00:17:34We're too busy thinking around, sitting around trying to think up ways to kill each other.

00:17:38Here's one we came up with.

00:17:40It's efficient, too.

00:17:42Genocide.

00:17:43You know?

00:17:44Killing large numbers of people simply because they don't look like you, they don't talk like you,

00:17:47and they don't have the same kind of hats you do.

00:17:50You ever notice that any time you see two groups of people who really hate each other?

00:17:53Chances are good they're wearing different kind of hats.

00:17:57Keep an eye on that.

00:17:57It might be important.

00:18:00But any time there's genocide, there are always mass graves.

00:18:04Every time we kill some dictator and go marching through his country, we always find mass graves.

00:18:09Thousands and thousands of dead bodies of people a dictator killed.

00:18:12And everybody over here gets horrified.

00:18:14Whoa, mass graves, mass graves, whoa!

00:18:16Well, shit, what's a guy supposed to do with a couple thousand people he just killed?

00:18:20Dig separate holes?

00:18:21Fuck that shit.

00:18:23It's labor intensive.

00:18:25Get real.

00:18:26The whole idea of killing a large number of people at one time in one place is convenience.

00:18:31Efficiency.

00:18:32Throw them in the fucking hole.

00:18:34Look at it this way.

00:18:35At least the dictator had the decency to throw a little dirt on them.

00:18:39Give the guy some credit.

00:18:40Dictator's a busy man.

00:18:42Got a lot on his mind.

00:18:44Like trying to figure out who's planning to kill him.

00:18:47So he can pick them up, put them in prison, and torture them.

00:18:50Here's another one of our interesting heartwarming behaviors we came up with.

00:18:54Somewhere along the way.

00:18:55Torturing each other.

00:18:57You want to hear a really cool torture that the Romans invented?

00:19:00They also used it as a form of capital punishment.

00:19:03It's really creative.

00:19:05They would take the guy in question, stuff him in a burlap sack, seal the sack up real tight, and throw it in the river.

00:19:10But, and here's the creative part, inside the sack with the guy, they would put a dog, a monkey, and a snake.

00:19:19Okay?

00:19:21A dog, a monkey, and a snake.

00:19:23That's fucking creative.

00:19:25Imagine being inside a burlap sack underwater in the dark, sitting next to a drowning monkey.

00:19:30Think he'd be moving around a little bit?

00:19:34The dog would be going, ape shit, we know that.

00:19:37And the snake, well, he'd probably be getting curious about what all the activity was inside the sack.

00:19:41He might do anything.

00:19:43Whatever he did, it would probably involve venom and his teeth.

00:19:47You know what you'd be doing?

00:19:48You'd be praying to God that the snake bit the monkey and the dog ate the snake.

00:19:53Praying.

00:19:54Yeah.

00:19:54Then, then it would be just you and the dog.

00:19:59A man and his best friend drowning together.

00:20:03Maybe before you died, you could teach him a few tricks.

00:20:07Roll over and play dead wouldn't be too difficult, would it?

00:20:10Just a thought.

00:20:11Just a playful thought.

00:20:13By the way, I assume you're noticing that all these activities I'm mentioning, murder, torture, genocide,

00:20:19these are all things human beings do, not animals, those creatures we feel superior to.

00:20:24This is us.

00:20:27Here's another one of our spiritually uplifting activities.

00:20:30We don't do this one much anymore, but it used to be really big.

00:20:34Human sacrifice.

00:20:35Human sacrifice.

00:20:36I miss that.

00:20:39The Aztecs loved human sacrifice, and they were good at it.

00:20:44Well, they got a lot of practice.

00:20:46For instance, right around the year 1500, the Aztecs sacrificed 80,000 people in one ceremony.

00:20:52Okay?

00:20:5480,000 people, one ceremony.

00:20:55You know what the occasion was?

00:20:57They were opening a new temple.

00:21:00Nothing like religion for a little entertainment, huh?

00:21:03Especially that old-time religion.

00:21:06Know how the Aztecs went about their sacrificing?

00:21:08Here's how they did it.

00:21:09They would do it right out in public, right in front of everybody, big town, beautiful city square,

00:21:1320,000, 30,000 people looking on.

00:21:14They would take the guy, lay him on an altar, cut his chest open, pull his heart out,

00:21:19and hold it up in the air while it was still beating.

00:21:21Got that?

00:21:22Cut his chest open, pull his heart out, and hold it up in the air while it was still beating.

00:21:26You know what you call that?

00:21:27Theater.

00:21:29That is fucking theater.

00:21:30And although the procedure may have been a little too crude to be considered the first bypass surgery,

00:21:35it could easily be seen as an early form of organ donor program.

00:21:40The Aztecs, human beings, just like us.

00:21:43Not too long ago, 500 years.

00:21:45Columbus had already landed.

00:21:47This is just south of here.

00:21:49Mexico.

00:21:50And by the way, those hearts didn't go to waste.

00:21:52Did not go to waste.

00:21:53Because right after the ceremonies, the royal family, naturally,

00:21:57would enjoy another one of our amusing activities.

00:22:00Cannibalism.

00:22:01Cannibalism.

00:22:02Imagine that, chowing down on another human being.

00:22:04You gotta be all out of beef jerky, man.

00:22:07You gotta be really fucking hungry.

00:22:10But it happens, doesn't it?

00:22:11It still happens to this day.

00:22:12A bunch of people stranded in the wilderness.

00:22:15Run out of Pop-Tarts.

00:22:16Gotta eat something.

00:22:18Might as well be Steve.

00:22:22And how do you decide who to eat first?

00:22:23How do you decide who's first on the barbecue rack?

00:22:25Do you pick on the little guy because he's skinny and he can't fight back?

00:22:28Or do you all gang up on the bodybuilder because he's got a lot of steaks and chops on him?

00:22:32These are things human beings have to consider.

00:22:34One more of these charming diversions of ours.

00:22:40Necrophilia.

00:22:42Huh?

00:22:43Now there's a hobby for you.

00:22:46Fucking a corpse.

00:22:48Takes a special kind of guy, don't you think?

00:22:51But it happens, it happens more than you might think.

00:22:57It happens among humans.

00:22:59Animals don't do that.

00:23:01Animals don't fuck their dead.

00:23:03A rat will do a lot of gross things, but he will not fuck a dead rat.

00:23:10It wouldn't even occur to him.

00:23:14Only a human being would think to fuck someone who just died.

00:23:18We've got to be the most interesting critters on the planet.

00:23:23And then we wonder why a UFO doesn't just land and say hello.

00:23:30You know the best thing about necrophilia?

00:23:40You don't have to bring flowers.

00:23:43Yeah, usually they're already there.

00:23:46Isn't that nice?

00:23:47It's nice.

00:23:48It's convenient.

00:23:51Human beings will do anything.

00:23:54Anything.

00:23:55I am convinced.

00:23:56That's why when all those beheadings started in Iraq, didn't bother me,

00:24:00I took it right in stride.

00:24:02A lot of people here were horrified.

00:24:03Ah, beheadings, beheadings.

00:24:05What, are you fucking surprised?

00:24:07Just one more form of extreme human behavior.

00:24:11Besides, who cares about some mercenary civilian contractor from Oklahoma

00:24:15who gets his head cut off?

00:24:17Fuck him.

00:24:18Fuck him.

00:24:19Fuck him.

00:24:19Hey, Jack, you don't want to get your head cut off?

00:24:22Stay the fuck in Oklahoma.

00:24:25Stay the fuck in Oklahoma.

00:24:26They ain't cutting off heads in Oklahoma, as far as I know.

00:24:36But I do know this.

00:24:38If you strap on a gun and go strutting around some other man's country, you better be ready

00:24:42for some action, Jack.

00:24:44You better be ready for some action.

00:24:45People are touchy about that sort of thing.

00:24:48And let me ask you this while I have you good, clean Americans here.

00:24:51This is a moral question.

00:24:54Not rhetorical.

00:24:54I'm looking for the answer.

00:24:55What is the moral difference between cutting off one guy's head, or two, or three, or five,

00:25:02or ten, and dropping a big bomb on the hospital and killing a whole bunch of sick kids?

00:25:06Has anybody in authority given you an explanation of the difference?

00:25:09I have not gotten an email on this.

00:25:10No one will talk to me.

00:25:12I haven't gotten a postcard, not a fucking instant message, nothing.

00:25:15Now, in case you're wondering why I have a certain interest and fascination, let's call

00:25:19it, with torture and beheadings and all of these things I've mentioned, it's because

00:25:25each of these items reminds me in life, every time one of them occurs, it reminds me over

00:25:30and over again what beasts we human beings really are.

00:25:35You know, when you get right down to it, when you get right down to it, human beings are

00:25:41nothing more than ordinary jungle beasts, savages, no different from the Cro-Magnon people who

00:25:46lived 25,000 years ago on the Pleistocene forests eating grubs.

00:25:49It's off of rotten logs, no different.

00:25:52Our DNA hasn't changed substantially in 100,000 years.

00:25:55We're still operating out of the lower brain, the reptilian brain, fight or flight, kill

00:26:00or be killed.

00:26:01Now, we like to think we've evolved and advanced because we can build a computer, fly an airplane,

00:26:07travel underwater, we can write a sonnet, paint a painting, compose an opera, but you know

00:26:11something, we're barely out of the jungle on this planet, barely out of the fucking jungle.

00:26:16What we are is semi-civilized beasts with baseball caps and automatic weapons.

00:26:21And this civilization of ours that we're so proud of, this civilization with its so-called

00:26:28civilized behavior, you ever stop and realize how fragile all this is, how fragile the whole

00:26:34structure, how easily it could all just break right down?

00:26:36Just break right down.

00:26:37Wouldn't take much.

00:26:38Probably happened in less than two years.

00:26:40Wouldn't take much to throw us right back into barbaric times.

00:26:44All you'd have to do would be eliminate electricity.

00:26:48That's all.

00:26:48But completely eliminate electricity.

00:26:51So, no electricity, no lights.

00:26:54You're back to candles and lanterns, campfires and bonfires.

00:26:57Batteries couldn't be recharged.

00:26:59Generators couldn't be refueled because fuel is pumped electrically.

00:27:03So is water, by the way.

00:27:04So no lights, no fuel, no water, no computers.

00:27:07And computers run everything.

00:27:08And among the many things computers run and that operate on electricity are all of these

00:27:14security systems in all of our jails and prisons and nuthouses.

00:27:20So suddenly, without electricity, all across America, the gates and cell doors of penitentiaries

00:27:26and mental institutions would fly open.

00:27:29And out would come all of our old friends.

00:27:34The ones who've been away at camp.

00:27:39Serial killers, mass murderers, felony rapists, armed robbers, carjackers, home invaders, thieves,

00:27:45burglars, kidnappers, sadists, pedophiles, sexual predators, pimps, pushers, pornographers,

00:27:51speed freaks, crackheads, sick junkies, all the ethnic street gangs, black, Spanish and

00:27:56Asian gangs, Japanese jacuzza, Russian mafia, neo-Nazis, white supremacists, Sicilian hitmen,

00:28:02Italian mobsters, Jamaican and Colombian drug gangs.

00:28:06And those are just the ones we caught.

00:28:09Let's not forget their counterparts, still on the outside, right now, waiting to hook up

00:28:14with their prison buddies so they can start a new organization, the American Federation

00:28:19of Sociopaths, just what the country needs, another special interest group.

00:28:24Eight to ten million of them there'd be, counting all the parolees and all the probationers and

00:28:30the ones who've never been caught.

00:28:32Eight to ten million, bitter, angry, violent, sexually hyperactive alpha males with nothing

00:28:38to do, no hobbies, no medications, no scruples, just a bunch of bad guys looking for a good

00:28:48time.

00:28:49Maybe dropping by your house.

00:28:52Hi, hope we're not intruding.

00:28:55Got any beer?

00:28:57Oh, good.

00:28:58Well, I got about 1,400 really thirsty guys here.

00:29:01How about women?

00:29:03Got any women?

00:29:04Oh, just your wife, huh?

00:29:09Well, I think we can make that work.

00:29:11Now, boys, there's a lady here, so I want you to mind your manners and wait your turn.

00:29:20Police wouldn't help you.

00:29:21They'd be gone at the first sign of trouble.

00:29:23They'd be home protecting their own families.

00:29:24So would the Army and the National Guard.

00:29:26You'd be alone.

00:29:26You'd be on your own.

00:29:27You'd be SOL and JWF.

00:29:29Shit out of luck and jolly well fucked.

00:29:33Shit out of luck and jolly well fucked.

00:29:34After a couple of years of living like that, beheadings would be the least of your problems.

00:29:40People would be lining up to be beheaded.

00:29:43So let's get back to suicide, which now seems like a reasonable alternative.

00:29:52Suicide is an interesting topic to me because it's an inherently interesting decision to decide

00:29:59voluntarily not to exist anymore.

00:30:01It's profound.

00:30:02You know what it is?

00:30:03It's the ultimate makeover.

00:30:06That's why I think it belongs on television.

00:30:09In this depraved culture we live in, with all these reality shows, suicide and television

00:30:16will be a natural.

00:30:17I'll bet you could have an all-suicide channel on cable TV.

00:30:21I'll bet you.

00:30:22Shit, they got all golf.

00:30:23What the fuck?

00:30:24Huh?

00:30:25God damn.

00:30:27Jeez.

00:30:28You ever watch golf?

00:30:29You ever watch golf?

00:30:30It's like watching flies.

00:30:31Fuck.

00:30:33If you can get a bunch of brainless assholes that sits down and waste a Sunday afternoon

00:30:37on that kind of shit, you know you can get some people to watch some suicides.

00:30:40All day long, 24 hours a day, nothing but suicides.

00:30:43Must die TV.

00:30:46You'd get a lot of people watching that shit.

00:30:47You'd get a lot of people volunteering to be on there, too.

00:30:50Just so their friends can see them on TV.

00:30:52People are fucking goofy.

00:30:54You'd get a lot of volunteers.

00:30:56You'd get all them leftover assholes from Let's Make a Deal.

00:30:58They'd be lined up around the block, pushing each other out of the way, pushing on funny

00:31:02capes and caps and hats and makeup and calling themselves Captain Suicide.

00:31:06Guys would be competing for the most unusual method.

00:31:07People would be jumping off of silos, lighting themselves on fire, putting rat poison on

00:31:11the taco, drinking, mopping clothes, sticking mothballs up their ass.

00:31:14You'd probably have some weird fuck show up and figure out how to kill himself with dental

00:31:19floss and a stinger missile.

00:31:22People are fucking goofy.

00:31:24I bet you could find you a married couple.

00:31:27In this country, shit, I bet you, you could find a married couple in one of them trailer

00:31:32parks or something, who'd be perfectly willing to sit in a love seat and blow each other's

00:31:38heads off with shotguns while a love song is playing.

00:31:41People are fucking nuts.

00:31:42This country is full of nitwits and assholes.

00:31:45You ever notice that?

00:31:46Oh my goodness, yes.

00:31:48Oh my goodness, right.

00:31:51Yeah.

00:31:54Nitwits, assholes, fuck-ups, scumbags, jerk-offs, and dipshits.

00:31:59And they all vote.

00:32:02They all vote, yeah.

00:32:04In fact, sometimes you get the impression they're the only ones who vote.

00:32:08You can usually tell who's been doing the voting by looking at the fucking election returns.

00:32:11Man, it sure ain't me out there wasting my time with a meaningless activity like that.

00:32:16You know those people on the Jerry Springer show?

00:32:18Those are the average Americans.

00:32:20Oh yeah, believe me, below average can't get on the show.

00:32:24Can't get on.

00:32:24Below average are sitting home watching that shit on TV.

00:32:28Getting ready to go out and vote.

00:32:31Filling out their sample ballot.

00:32:32People are fucking dumb.

00:32:36You can say what you want about this country.

00:32:38And I love this place.

00:32:39I love the freedoms we used to have.

00:32:42I love it.

00:32:43I love that.

00:32:44I love it when it didn't take a fucking catastrophe to get us to care for one another.

00:32:55I love the fact that we're on camera all the time from all angles.

00:32:59But you know what?

00:32:59You can say what you want about America.

00:33:01And I say I love this place.

00:33:02I wouldn't have it any other way.

00:33:03I wouldn't live in any other time in history or any other place.

00:33:05But say what you want about America.

00:33:07Land of the free.

00:33:08Home of the brave.

00:33:09We got some dumb ass motherfuckers floating around this country.

00:33:12Dumb ass motherfuckers.

00:33:14You know?

00:33:15Yeah.

00:33:17Now obviously that doesn't include this audience.

00:33:19I understand that.

00:33:21You seem intelligent and perceptive.

00:33:23But the rest of them, holy jumping fucking shitballs.

00:33:28Dumber than a second coat of paint.

00:33:31And this ain't just ranting and raving.

00:33:33This ain't just blowing off steam.

00:33:34I got a little evidence to support my claim.

00:33:37It just seems to me, seems to me, that only a really low IQ population could have taken

00:33:44this beautiful continent, this magnificent American landscape that we inherited.

00:33:50Well, actually we stole it from the Mexicans and the Indians.

00:33:53But hey, it was nice when we stole it.

00:33:57It looked pretty good.

00:33:58It was pristine.

00:34:00Paradise.

00:34:02Have you seen it lately?

00:34:03Have you taken a good look at it lately?

00:34:05It's fucking embarrassing.

00:34:07Only a nation of unenlightened half-wits could have taken this beautiful place and turned

00:34:13it into what it is today, a shopping mall.

00:34:16A big fucking shopping mall.

00:34:20You know that?

00:34:23That's all you got.

00:34:24That's all you've got here, folks.

00:34:26Mile after mile of mall after mall.

00:34:28Many, many malls.

00:34:30Major malls and mini malls.

00:34:31They put the mini malls in between the major malls.

00:34:33And in between the mini malls, they put the mini marts.

00:34:35And in between the mini marts, you got the car lots, gas stations, muffler shops, laundromats,

00:34:40cheap hotels, fast food joints, strip clubs, and dirty bookstores.

00:34:44America the beautiful.

00:34:45One big transcontinental commercial cesspool.

00:34:48And how do the people feel about all this?

00:34:50How do the people feel about living in a coast-to-coast shopping mall?

00:34:53Well, they think it's just fucking dandy.

00:34:57They think it is cool as can be.

00:34:59Because Americans love the mall.

00:35:01They love the mall.

00:35:02That's where they get to satisfy their two most prominent addictions at the same time.

00:35:08Shopping and eating.

00:35:10Millions of semi-conscious Americans, day after day, shuffling through the malls, shopping and eating.

00:35:16Especially eating.

00:35:18Americans love to eat.

00:35:19They are fatally attracted to the slow death of fast food.

00:35:23Hot dogs, corn dogs, triple bacon, cheeseburgers, deep fried butter dipped in pork fat and cheese whiz.

00:35:27Mayonnaise soaked, barbecued mozzarella patty melts.

00:35:30Americans will eat anything.

00:35:31Anything.

00:35:32Anything.

00:35:33If you were selling sautéed raccoons assholes on a stick.

00:35:38Americans would buy them and eat them.

00:35:41Especially if you dipped them in butter and put a little salsa on them.

00:35:45This country is big time, pig time.

00:35:48Forget the bald eagle.

00:35:49You know what the national emblem of this country ought to be?

00:35:51A big bowl of macaroni and cheese.

00:35:54A big bowl.

00:35:55Because everything in this country is king size.

00:35:58King size, extra large and super jumbo.

00:36:00Especially the fucking people.

00:36:03Have you seen some of the people in this country?

00:36:06Have you taken a good look at some of these big fat motherfuckers walking around?

00:36:10Big fat motherfuckers.

00:36:14Oh my God.

00:36:16Huge piles of redundant protoplasm.

00:36:20Lumbering through the malls like a fleet of interstate buses.

00:36:24The people in this country are immense.

00:36:26Massive bellies, monstrous thighs and big fat fucking asses.

00:36:30And if you stand there for a minute and you look at one of them, you look at one of them, you begin to wonder, how does this woman take a shit?

00:36:42How does she shit?

00:36:44And even more frightening, how does she wipe her ass?

00:36:47Can she even locate her asshole?

00:36:51She must require assistance.

00:36:54Are paramedics trained in this field?

00:36:58And standing right next to her, of course, with a plate full of nachos and a mouth full of pie, is her clueless fucking husband, Joe Sixpack.

00:37:05With his monstrous swollen beer belly hanging dangerously out over his beer belt buckle, this guy ain't seen his dick since the Nixon administration.

00:37:12And if you stand there and you look at the two of them, you begin to wonder to yourself, do these people fuck?

00:37:22Is this man actually capable of fucking this woman?

00:37:25It doesn't seem structurally possible that these two people could achieve penetration.

00:37:32Maybe they're in that Cirque du Soleil or something.

00:37:35I'm telling you, the people in this country, every one of them is 50 pounds overweight.

00:37:43They are gargantuan.

00:37:45And in the summertime, God help us, in the summertime, they all want to wear short pants.

00:37:52Jesus, Lord, protector of all that is good and holy, deliver me from fat people in short pants.

00:37:59They all got short pants, big bellies, fat thighs, and dumb kids.

00:38:02Short pants, big bellies, fat thighs, and dumb kids.

00:38:04Every one of them's got two dumbass kids with them.

00:38:07And the whole family is wearing t-shirts.

00:38:09And every one of them's got the same t-shirt.

00:38:10I'm with stupid.

00:38:13Apparently in this country, the stupids are an extended family.

00:38:17And besides wearing them t-shirts, every one of the family's got on a backpack.

00:38:20They got a backpack strapped to their back so they can carry around lots of stupid shit.

00:38:25And the reason they got to carry their stupid shit strapped to their backs is because their hands must remain free at all times to hold food.

00:38:31And to get that food up to the mouth where it gets shoveled in with all the rest of the disgusting shit they ate that day.

00:38:38And another reason for the backpacks is these people are going to buy even more stupid shit.

00:38:46They ain't got enough stupid shit at home.

00:38:47They just had a stupid shit sale.

00:38:49They ain't going to buy more.

00:38:51They're going to go out in the parking lot and stuff this stuff into the big, fat, ugly, oversized SUV that's got plenty of room in it.

00:38:58Plenty of room in it for stupid shit and lots of room left over for these big, fat, ugly motherfuckers to get them home.

00:39:03Stopping, of course, for jelly roll and fried dough.

00:39:07These people, these people are efficient, professional, compulsive consumers.

00:39:12It's their civic duty.

00:39:14Consumption.

00:39:15It's the new national pastime.

00:39:16Fuck baseball.

00:39:17It's consumption.

00:39:19The only true lasting American value that's left, buying things.

00:39:24Buying things.

00:39:25People spending money they don't have on things they don't need.

00:39:28Money they don't have on things they don't need.

00:39:30So they can max out their credit cards and spend the rest of their lives paying 18% interest on something that costs $12.50.

00:39:36And they didn't like it when they got it home anyway.

00:39:39Not too bright, folks.

00:39:40Not too fucking bright.

00:39:41But if you talk to one of them about this, if you isolate one of them, you sit them down rationally, you talk to them about the low IQs and the dumb behavior and the bad decisions.

00:39:49Right away they start talking about education.

00:39:51That's the big answer to everything.

00:39:52Education.

00:39:53They say we need more money for education.

00:39:54We need more books, more teachers, more classrooms, more schools.

00:39:58We need more testing for the kids.

00:39:59And you say to them, well, you know, we've tried all of that and the kids still can't pass the test.

00:40:04They say, ah, don't you worry about that.

00:40:05We're going to lower the passing grades.

00:40:07And that's what they do in a lot of these schools now.

00:40:09They lower the passing grades so more kids can pass.

00:40:11More kids pass.

00:40:12The school looks good.

00:40:13Everybody's happy.

00:40:14The IQ of the country slips another two or three points.

00:40:16And pretty soon all you'll need to get into college is a fucking pencil.

00:40:21Got a pencil?

00:40:22Get the fuck in there.

00:40:22It's physics.

00:40:23Then everyone wonders why 17 other countries graduate more scientists than we do.

00:40:29Education.

00:40:30Politicians know that word.

00:40:31They use it on you.

00:40:32Politicians have traditionally hidden behind three things.

00:40:35The flag, the Bible, and children.

00:40:38No child left behind.

00:40:39No child left behind.

00:40:41Oh, really?

00:40:42Well, it wasn't long ago you were talking about giving kids a head start.

00:40:44Head start?

00:40:45Left behind?

00:40:46Someone's losing fucking ground here.

00:40:48But there's a reason.

00:40:51There's a reason.

00:40:51There's a reason for this.

00:40:53There's a reason education sucks.

00:40:55And it's the same reason that it will never, ever, ever be fixed.

00:40:59It's never going to get any better.

00:41:00Don't look for it.

00:41:01Be happy with what you got.

00:41:03Because the owners of this country don't want that.

00:41:07I'm talking about the real owners now.

00:41:08The real owners.

00:41:10The big, wealthy business interests that control things and make all the important decisions.

00:41:15Forget the politicians.

00:41:16The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice.

00:41:20You don't.

00:41:21You have no choice.

00:41:23You have owners.

00:41:24They own you.

00:41:25They own everything.

00:41:27They own all the important land.

00:41:29They own and control the corporations.

00:41:31They've long since bought and paid for the Senate, the Congress, the state houses, the city halls.

00:41:34They've got the judges in their back pockets.

00:41:36And they own all the big media companies.

00:41:38So they control just about all of the news and information you get to hear.

00:41:41They got you by the balls.

00:41:43They spend billions of dollars every year lobbying, lobbying to get what they want.

00:41:50Well, we know what they want.

00:41:52They want more for themselves and less for everybody else.

00:41:55But I'll tell you what they don't want.

00:41:57They don't want a population of citizens capable of critical thinking.

00:42:00They don't want well-informed, well-educated people capable of critical thinking.

00:42:04They're not interested in that.

00:42:05That doesn't help them.

00:42:07That's against their interest.

00:42:08That's right.

00:42:10They don't want people who are smart enough to sit around the kitchen table and figure out how badly they're getting fucked by a system that threw them overboard 30 fucking years ago.

00:42:17They don't want that.

00:42:18You know what they want?

00:42:19They want obedient workers.

00:42:22Obedient workers.

00:42:23People who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork and just dumb enough to passively accept all these increasingly shittier jobs with the lower pay,

00:42:32the longer hours, the reduced benefits, the end of overtime, and the vanishing pension that disappears the minute you go to collect it.

00:42:38And now they're coming for your Social Security money.

00:42:41They want your fucking retirement money.

00:42:43They want it back so they can give it to their criminal friends on Wall Street.

00:42:48And you know something?

00:42:48They'll get it.

00:42:49They'll get it all from you sooner or later because they own this fucking place.

00:42:53It's a big club.

00:42:55And you ain't in it.

00:42:56You and I are not in the big club.

00:43:01By the way, it's the same big club they used to beat you over the head with all day long when they tell you what to believe.

00:43:05All day long, beating you over the head in their media, telling you what to believe, what to think, and what to buy.

00:43:10The table is tilted, folks.

00:43:12The game is rigged.

00:43:13And nobody seems to notice.

00:43:15Nobody seems to care.

00:43:17Good, honest, hard-working people.

00:43:19White collar, blue collar, doesn't matter what color shirt you have on.

00:43:22Good, honest, hard-working people continue.

00:43:24These are people of modest means.

00:43:25Continue to elect these rich cocksuckers who don't give a fuck about them.

00:43:30They don't give a fuck about you.

00:43:31They don't give a fuck about you.

00:43:33They don't care about you at all.

00:43:35At all.

00:43:36At all.

00:43:38Man.

00:43:39You know?

00:43:42And nobody seems to notice.

00:43:44Nobody seems to care.

00:43:45That's what the owners count on.

00:43:46The fact that Americans will probably remain willfully ignorant of the big red, white, and blue dick that's being jammed up their assholes every day.

00:43:54Because the owners of this country know the truth.

00:43:57It's called the American dream.

00:43:59Because you have to be asleep to believe it.

00:44:03But say what you want about America, folks.

00:44:06Yeah.

00:44:07You can say what you want about Americans.

00:44:09You can call them smart, dumb, ignorant, innocent, naive, gullible, easily led, whatever you want.

00:44:15You're going to have to deal with them.

00:44:16You're going to have to deal with them because you're in the television business now.

00:44:19You've got the all-suicide channel on cable TV.

00:44:22You need these people as viewers.

00:44:24You need people looking in.

00:44:25You've got to worry about your ratings.

00:44:26You're going to have to be thinking about sweeps months.

00:44:29Most folks know what sweeps months are.

00:44:31Now, those are the more important sweeps ratings months of the year.

00:44:33When they put on all their biggest attractions and their hottest stars, try and pump the ratings up a little bit, get the local stations to adjust their advertising rates, you're going to have to compete with the mentality of network television.

00:44:45And I think on an all-suicide channel, during sweeps months, you're going to have to go with mass suicides.

00:44:52Big public events where hundreds of people kill themselves all at the same time right on live TV.

00:44:57And I've been wrestling with a way to do this.

00:44:59I've been trying to figure this out.

00:45:00I swear to God, this is the truth.

00:45:01I've been trying to figure this part of it out for six months now.

00:45:04And I only recently haven't, so I'm going to tell you about it.

00:45:06Now, we're going to have to get lots and lots of people to kill themselves on demand.

00:45:10How are we going to do this?

00:45:11That's the question.

00:45:12How are we going to get large numbers of people to commit suicide at a time and place of our choosing?

00:45:16And I mean large numbers because don't forget, besides sweeps, we're going to have to be thinking about 24-hour-a-day programming.

00:45:22So to make this work, we need organization.

00:45:24You need a system.

00:45:25You can't just sit around the studio all day long and wait for people to drop by and commit suicide.

00:45:29What we have to do is build up a large pool of hopeless people.

00:45:34Suicide volunteers, people with no hope, people whom society has given up on, fate has given up on, or who have given up on themselves.

00:45:42Rock bottom, dead end, totally fucked up people with no hope and no reason to live.

00:45:47And we got our share of them, folks.

00:45:49Think of it as a pyramid.

00:45:50That'll give you a visual fix on it.

00:45:52Think of it as a pyramid.

00:45:53The pyramid of the hopeless.

00:45:55We're going to start building this pyramid at the very base, naturally.

00:45:57And the bottom layer is going to be homeless people.

00:46:01God knows we've got plenty of them.

00:46:03Nobody gives a fuck about them.

00:46:04Nobody's got a plan.

00:46:06Nobody's got any money.

00:46:06Nobody's got a program.

00:46:07Nobody gives a fuck about homeless people.

00:46:10We don't know how many we have even.

00:46:11We know 500,000 of them are veterans because we're so good to the veterans in this country.

00:46:15And we know about a million and 400,000 of them are children.

00:46:20So we've got a million and a half children.

00:46:21And then God knows how many more we've got.

00:46:23Totally fucking hopeless in the pyramid they go.

00:46:27Now the next group we're going to put in here is these are the people in prison with these long sentences they've been given.

00:46:33Many of them deserved.

00:46:34I'll grant you that.

00:46:35I'm sure half the people in prison are in there for things they really did.

00:46:39That's not a bad average, one out of two.

00:46:42But nobody, you know, nobody gives a shit about these people.

00:46:44Nobody's going to hire them if they do get out.

00:46:46They're never going to get out.

00:46:47Rehabilitation doesn't work.

00:46:48And the judge has given these fucking draconian sentences.

00:46:5040, 50, 60, 70, 80, 100 year sentences.

00:46:52Life term.

00:46:53Double life.

00:46:54One guy about a month ago was given three consecutive life terms plus two death penalties.

00:47:00How the fuck do you serve that?

00:47:02Even David Copperfield can't do that shit.

00:47:06In order to do that, you'd have to be a Hindu.

00:47:11Then you got the people on death road.

00:47:13They ain't going anywhere.

00:47:15In the fucking pyramid they go.

00:47:17Now the next layer, this group is self-selected.

00:47:20Self-selected and a bit controversial to some ears, I guess.

00:47:24These are these people who claim to be depressed.

00:47:27Okay.

00:47:28Apparently in this land of plenty, this richest nation in the history of the world,

00:47:32we're so proud of saying that.

00:47:34Some supermarkets have 100,000 items in them.

00:47:37We have 19 million Americans claiming to be depressed.

00:47:41And some of them take medicine for it.

00:47:42Sometimes the medicine makes one of them commit suicide

00:47:44and that depresses the shit out of the rest of them.

00:47:47Then you have these people who only think they're depressed.

00:47:49They think they're depressed because they saw the commercial on TV

00:47:52and the doctor looked like a good guy.

00:47:53The music sounded kind of peppy.

00:47:55And what the fuck, some of these pills would probably just pick me right up.

00:47:59Totally fucking hopeless mindset in the fucking pyramid.

00:48:03Up at the very top, we are going to put the people who are truly sick,

00:48:07the terminally ill.

00:48:09Unfortunately, no hope for a lot of them.

00:48:11Hundreds of thousands of them.

00:48:12There's no cure for what they have.

00:48:13Some of them, there's no cure because nobody's looking for one.

00:48:16They ain't enough people sick with it, so there ain't no money in the fucking cure.

00:48:19Then there's people who've got, there's a cure, but they don't have the money for it.

00:48:21There's another one who's a cure, but they're too far gone.

00:48:23There's another one who says a cure, but there's no social means to get to it.

00:48:26So these people ain't going anywhere.

00:48:28They should be allowed to commit suicide.

00:48:29Boom!

00:48:30In the fucking pyramid they go.

00:48:32Now, think of what you got here, folks.

00:48:34Think of yourself as the executive vice president of programming at the All Suicide Channel.

00:48:39Think of what you have to work with in the pyramid of the hopeless.

00:48:42You have homeless, imprisoned, condemned, depressed, and terminally ill people.

00:48:51And I'm going to bet you anything in this depraved culture of ours, bet you anything with the reality show mentality we have on the All Suicide Channel,

00:48:59you could get 500 of these hopeless people to hold hands and jump into the Grand Canyon.

00:49:08I'll fucking bet you, I'll fucking bet you you can get that done in this country right this now.

00:49:13I'll bet you.

00:49:13For money, for money, for money.

00:49:15You've got to give them something.

00:49:16You know, you've got to...

00:49:17Oh, shit, they're Americans.

00:49:19They're for sale.

00:49:20Give them a little something.

00:49:22Americans would do anything, but you've got to give them a toaster, don't you?

00:49:25Give them a little prize of some kind.

00:49:27Everybody wants a gizmo.

00:49:28Give them a gizmo.

00:49:29Give them a cell phone.

00:49:29Give them a laptop.

00:49:30Give them a cell phone.

00:49:31Takes a picture of a laptop.

00:49:32Give them a laptop.

00:49:33Takes a picture of a cell phone.

00:49:35Give them one of them three-wheel vehicles.

00:49:37Give them an all-terrain vehicle.

00:49:38Give them one of them riding lawnmowers.

00:49:40Give them a snowblower.

00:49:41Give them an outdoor barbecue or a jet ski.

00:49:43Give them one of those things they buy for themselves when they're trying to take their minds off how badly they're getting fucked by the system.

00:49:48I know what you do.

00:49:49Just before these people jump, you give them a hat with a camera in it.

00:49:54And you tell them it's jump cam.

00:49:57Tell them you'll send a video home to the family.

00:50:00T-shirt.

00:50:01Who don't want a T-shirt?

00:50:02Everybody does.

00:50:02Give them a nice T-shirt.

00:50:04I committed suicide and all I got was a stupid fucking T-shirt.

00:50:08All right?

00:50:09Now, if you want to really raise the profile of this promotion,

00:50:16get some of those evangelical Christians to volunteer for it,

00:50:20and you call it jump for Jesus.

00:50:23Jump for Jesus.

00:50:24They would bite.

00:50:25They would go for it.

00:50:26Hey, you got to be fair.

00:50:28Got to be fair about these Christians.

00:50:29They come in for a lot of abuse these days.

00:50:32You do have to be fair.

00:50:32All a Christian really wants out of life is to die and go see Jesus.

00:50:39Give him a helping hand.

00:50:42Do the Christian thing.

00:50:44Tell him it's a shortcut to heaven.

00:50:46Mention the word martyr.

00:50:47Works on the Muslims.

00:50:48Works on the Catholics.

00:50:49Might work with these folks.

00:50:50You never know.

00:50:51Hey, hey, I know.

00:50:54Give him a little encouragement.

00:50:56Go on, you fanatical fuck.

00:50:57He's down there.

00:50:59He's down there.

00:51:01He's down there.

00:51:02He's at the bottom of the canyon.

00:51:04Look for the man with the glowing head.

00:51:07Oh, you could have a lot of fun with a channel like that.

00:51:10But you know something, folks?

00:51:11Maybe you don't want to be on cable.

00:51:12Maybe you don't want to be on cable.

00:51:13It is a limited audience.

00:51:15You might want to widen out and get more people looking in.

00:51:17You're going to have to go to the broadcast networks,

00:51:20one of the big broadcast networks.

00:51:22And I don't know about you,

00:51:23but when I think about suicide and broadcast network television,

00:51:25I'm thinking Fox.

00:51:27Huh?

00:51:28I'm telling you, Fox.

00:51:30If the people at Fox ain't sitting around

00:51:31having meetings on an idea like this,

00:51:33they ain't doing their goddamn jobs over there.

00:51:35So you put this thing on Fox.

00:51:36Get Budweiser to sponsor it.

00:51:38Budweiser and a whole bunch of car companies

00:51:39so people can be thinking about drinking and driving

00:51:41at the same time.

00:51:43Isn't that fun?

00:51:43Isn't it fun to watch the sporting events

00:51:45on American television?

00:51:46Drink this, drive that, fuck you.

00:51:47They don't care.

00:51:49They don't give a shit about you.

00:51:51And then every now and then,

00:51:52they qualify the whole message.

00:51:54Drink responsibly.

00:51:55So you put this thing on Fox,

00:52:02and if you do,

00:52:03if you do,

00:52:04or on any broadcast network,

00:52:06you're going to have to bring in that younger audience.

00:52:08Everybody knows that.

00:52:09That's what the advertisers are looking for,

00:52:11is these 18 to 24-year-olds.

00:52:13You're going to have to get young people interested in this.

00:52:15You know how you get young people interested in suicide?

00:52:17You don't call it suicide.

00:52:19You call it extreme living.

00:52:23They would go for it.

00:52:24Listen, young people are attracted to suicide in the first place.

00:52:28Did you know suicide is the third leading cause of death

00:52:30between 15 and 24?

00:52:32It's third, ninth in the general population.

00:52:36That'll give you an idea

00:52:37how popular this after-school activity has become

00:52:40among our teenage folks,

00:52:43especially these young boys,

00:52:45these adolescent males.

00:52:47And a lot of them, you know,

00:52:49a lot of them,

00:52:51they kill themselves when they're jerking off.

00:52:54They don't mean to.

00:52:56It just happens.

00:52:58You know about that?

00:52:59Yeah, some of you know.

00:53:00I can tell.

00:53:02Yeah.

00:53:03A lot of people don't know about it.

00:53:04A lot of people never heard of that, you know.

00:53:05It's just one of those things Americans can't handle.

00:53:07We can't handle that.

00:53:08We don't talk about that.

00:53:09It's not on Larry King Live.

00:53:11It ain't on Barbara Walters.

00:53:11You ain't going to see it in People Magazine,

00:53:13but it's out there, folks.

00:53:14It's out there,

00:53:15and it's extremely common.

00:53:17You just ask any teenage boy you know

00:53:19who trusts you,

00:53:20ask him what he knows or what he's heard

00:53:22about cutting off your air supply

00:53:25just at the moment you're about to have a sexual release.

00:53:27He'll tell you an interesting story or two.

00:53:30The kids call it scarfing

00:53:31because some of them use scarves to do it.

00:53:33Well, screw the kid.

00:53:34Just get on the Internet.

00:53:35Do it yourself.

00:53:36Google in the words autoerotic asphyxia.

00:53:40Autoerotic asphyxia.

00:53:41It's the practice of cutting off the oxygen to the brain

00:53:44at the last moment during masturbation

00:53:45in order to heighten the orgasm.

00:53:48And when I say common,

00:53:49a thousand kids a year die this way, okay?

00:53:52A thousand of them die,

00:53:53so think how many of them are trying to pull this off,

00:53:56if you pardon the little pun that I throw in there

00:53:58just to lighten the mood.

00:54:01But here's the way it works.

00:54:03Apparently.

00:54:03I never tried it.

00:54:04It sounded risky to me.

00:54:07Well, jerking off is all I need.

00:54:09You know what I mean, folks?

00:54:10I ain't trying to double my money.

00:54:11Fuck that shit.

00:54:13Yeah.

00:54:14I just jerk off,

00:54:15wipe off my chest,

00:54:16get up and go to work.

00:54:17You know?

00:54:17That's it.

00:54:18That's it.

00:54:19That's it.

00:54:20That's it.

00:54:21That's it.

00:54:23That's it.

00:54:25Nothing fancy.

00:54:26Nothing fancy at our house.

00:54:28We're simple folk.

00:54:30But here's the way it's supposed to work,

00:54:33and this is why it's such a big attraction in the first place.

00:54:36Apparently, it is true,

00:54:38medically, physiologically speaking,

00:54:40that if you can cut off your air supply,

00:54:42the oxygen to your brain,

00:54:43just at the moment you're about to have an orgasm,

00:54:46the orgasm is about,

00:54:47I don't know,

00:54:48let's say 500 times better,

00:54:49something like that.

00:54:50It's incredibly intense.

00:54:52So,

00:54:53what you got to do

00:54:53is stand up on a chair,

00:54:55or a bucket,

00:54:56or some kind of thing,

00:54:57you put a rope around your neck,

00:54:59and you start jerking off.

00:55:02laughter

00:55:02And while you're pulling your pud,

00:55:14while you're pulling your pud,

00:55:17you have to arrange

00:55:18to almost strangle yourself

00:55:20just before you have an orgasm.

00:55:23And by the way,

00:55:23while all this activity is going on,

00:55:25you got to maintain a hard-on.

00:55:28Which ain't easy,

00:55:29because you might just be getting ready to buy the farm,

00:55:32so you better be fantasizing about someone you really like,

00:55:35or something you really like.

00:55:36I don't know what it might be.

00:55:37Maybe getting fucked in the ass by a game warden.

00:55:39Who knows, huh?

00:55:40Hey,

00:55:41I'm not here to judge.

00:55:42We're all different to each his own.

00:55:45So let's recap.

00:55:48Stand on a chair,

00:55:49rope around your neck,

00:55:50and get Peter in your hand.

00:55:52Now you have to time it just right,

00:55:56so that just before you come,

00:55:58you almost die.

00:56:02And sometimes you miscalculate.

00:56:05You don't know if you're coming or going.

00:56:07You don't know.

00:56:09There's no way to know.

00:56:11No way to know.

00:56:15I know.

00:56:16And the parents of these kids are too embarrassed to tell the police,

00:56:22so they put the kid's dick away and say he had poor grades.

00:56:24His girlfriend left him.

00:56:30Oh,

00:56:30well,

00:56:31no wonder,

00:56:31lady.

00:56:31Look at his fucking hobbies.

00:56:34Then they blame it on heavy metal,

00:56:35you know.

00:56:36I don't know if you remember that,

00:56:37but from that old incident there,

00:56:39some years back,

00:56:40Judas Priest,

00:56:41one of the headbanging bands,

00:56:42somebody played a song after that,

00:56:44and they killed themselves,

00:56:45and so they blame suicide on heavy metal.

00:56:48If it's murder,

00:56:49they tend to blame rap these days,

00:56:50but it's never the parents.

00:56:53Did you ever notice this?

00:56:54Parents apparently play no part

00:56:56in the development and outcomes of these kids.

00:56:59Parents,

00:57:00you know,

00:57:00they can raise a kid apparently 11,

00:57:0212,

00:57:0213,

00:57:0214,

00:57:0315 years.

00:57:03If he turns out fucked up,

00:57:04boy,

00:57:04they had nothing to do with that.

00:57:06Must be those kids at the parking lot,

00:57:08hangs around with.

00:57:09Parents got to be among the most full of shit people in the world.

00:57:12Well,

00:57:13they always have been,

00:57:13top to bottom,

00:57:14front to back.

00:57:15Listen,

00:57:15in fairness,

00:57:16it comes with the job.

00:57:18If you want to be a parent,

00:57:19you got to be full of shit at least half the time.

00:57:22Look at it this way.

00:57:23They have it both ways.

00:57:24If the kid turns out to be a loser,

00:57:26they had nothing to do with that.

00:57:27But boy,

00:57:28if he's a winner,

00:57:28got a scholarship or something like that,

00:57:30man,

00:57:30the first one's out there raising their hands,

00:57:31trying to take a little credit.

00:57:33It's a nice state of mind

00:57:34if you can talk yourself into believing it.

00:57:37But these are the kind of things I think about

00:57:38when I'm sitting home alone

00:57:39during an electrical storm,

00:57:40waiting for the parole officer

00:57:41to give me a call.

00:57:43And these ideas,

00:57:44these ideas come floating into my head,

00:57:46just floating right in,

00:57:48unbidden.

00:57:48I'm not asking for these things.

00:57:51I'm a vessel.

00:57:53I'm a mere vessel.

00:57:54In comes these thoughts.

00:57:57And some of them are a little offbeat.

00:58:00I'm going to grant you that.

00:58:01I was thinking about these younger women

00:58:03who got buried today.

00:58:05Did you ever think about them?

00:58:07Probably not.

00:58:08But I was thinking about these younger women

00:58:10who died three or four days ago,

00:58:12got buried today.

00:58:14And some of them had a bad heart,

00:58:15you know.

00:58:16Some of them had a bad kidney.

00:58:18But a lot of them had perfectly good pussies.

00:58:22Good pussies.

00:58:24Nice tits.

00:58:26Reasonably tight assholes.

00:58:28Going to waste.

00:58:31In the ground.

00:58:33It just seems a shame to me

00:58:36that some fine young pussy

00:58:39should be rotten away six feet under.

00:58:42Because you'd think,

00:58:44you would think,

00:58:46in this era,

00:58:48that if you can donate a heart

00:58:49to someone who needs one,

00:59:00there ought to be a way

00:59:01to recycle some of these pussies

00:59:03and get them to people who need them.

00:59:05Some old guy living up in the mountains.

00:59:07Wow.

00:59:08Holy shit.

00:59:11Look at this fucking thing.

00:59:12This is great.

00:59:13Thank you very much.

00:59:14Thank you, sir.

00:59:14I appreciate this.

00:59:16God bless you.

00:59:17You're doing God's work.

00:59:19I hope you know that, don't you?

00:59:21Hey, this is better

00:59:22than Publishers Clearinghouse.

00:59:25Listen here, buddy.

00:59:27You ain't got a redhead

00:59:28in one of these by any chance.

00:59:31No, I didn't think so.

00:59:32I never run into one of them myself.

00:59:33Thank you very much.

00:59:34Now listen here.

00:59:34This is the real thing, ain't it?

00:59:36This ain't one of them

00:59:37store-bought pussies

00:59:37from the adult bookstore.

00:59:39Huh?

00:59:40What's that?

00:59:40Oh, okay.

00:59:41Hold on just a second.

00:59:43Oh.

00:59:45Jesus Christ on the cracker.

00:59:47That's the real fucking thing.

00:59:49I'd recognize that son-bitch anywhere.

00:59:52That straightened out my nose hairs.

00:59:55I better get this sucker home

00:59:56and get it in the refrigerator

00:59:56as quick as I can.

00:59:58The Save-A-Pussy Foundation.

01:00:01Give the gift

01:00:01that keeps on giving.

01:00:04Fuck the whales.

01:00:05Save the pussies.

01:00:09But you wouldn't want

01:00:10to save all of them.

01:00:11Not all of them.

01:00:13Some of them's wore out.

01:00:16Oh, you wouldn't want

01:00:17one of them big old rubbery things.

01:00:18That ain't no good.

01:00:19What you want is

01:00:20you want something nice and tight

01:00:22but flexible.

01:00:24Maybe you could have an age limit

01:00:25or a mileage check.

01:00:29You know, you figure out

01:00:30the average length

01:00:31of the average dick,

01:00:31the average number of thrusts

01:00:32per event,

01:00:33the average number

01:00:33of events per lifetime.

01:00:35You got that lady's mileage.

01:00:37And you women,

01:00:37I don't want you to think

01:00:38we're going to leave you

01:00:39out of the fun.

01:00:39We're going to get you

01:00:40a nice set of cock and balls.

01:00:41Okay?

01:00:42We'll get you something nice

01:00:43just after rigor mortis

01:00:44is set in.

01:00:46Tell the truth, ladies.

01:00:48Wouldn't you like

01:00:48a nice set of cock and balls

01:00:49without all the bullshit

01:00:50that comes with them?

01:00:52Huh?

01:00:52Fucking A.

01:00:53We'll get you something nice.

01:00:54You keep it on the nightstand.

01:00:55It's real easy to find

01:00:56in the dark.

01:00:58And if your mother comes over,

01:00:59put a hat on it.

01:01:03Well, somebody's got to

01:01:04think of these things.

01:01:05Apparently, I've been appointed.

01:01:09I was dancing with a woman.

01:01:10She told me she had

01:01:11a yeast infection.

01:01:13I said, well,

01:01:14bake me a fucking loaf of bread.

01:01:18A couple of corn muffins,

01:01:20a jelly donut.

01:01:20I don't give a shit.

01:01:22I'm always in the market

01:01:23for quality baked goods.

01:01:25You couldn't squeeze

01:01:26a birthday cake

01:01:27out of that thing

01:01:27by any chance,

01:01:28could you, huh?

01:01:29No, no, I didn't think so.

01:01:31No pressure, honey.

01:01:31No pressure at all.

01:01:33Why don't you just turn around

01:01:33and give me a nice

01:01:34pineapple upside-down cake?

01:01:36And a dozen oatmeal cookies.

01:01:39Skip the raisins.

01:01:41Ix-nay on the a-sins-ray.

01:01:47Well, I think it is

01:01:49certainly apparent by now

01:01:50that one of the things

01:01:52I enjoy in life is excess.

01:01:54I like things

01:01:55that are excessive.

01:01:57I like excessive behavior,

01:01:59excessive language,

01:02:00excessive violence.

01:02:01It's fun.

01:02:02It's interesting.

01:02:03It's exciting.

01:02:04I like it when nature

01:02:05is excessive.

01:02:07That's why I like

01:02:08natural disasters.

01:02:10All these natural disasters

01:02:11that have been going on,

01:02:12I fucking love them.

01:02:14I can't get enough of them.

01:02:17Oh, when nature's going crazy,

01:02:19throwing things around,

01:02:19scaring people,

01:02:20and destroying property,

01:02:21I'm a happy fucking guy.

01:02:23I'm a happy fucking guy.

01:02:25I look at it this way.

01:02:28For centuries now,

01:02:29man has done everything he can

01:02:31to destroy, defile,

01:02:33and interfere with nature.

01:02:35Clear-cutting forests,

01:02:36strip-mining mountains,

01:02:38poisoning the atmosphere,

01:02:40overfishing the oceans,

01:02:41polluting the rivers and lakes,

01:02:44destroying wetlands and aquifers.

01:02:45So when nature strikes back

01:02:47and smacks man in the head

01:02:49and kicks him in the nuts,

01:02:50I enjoy that.

01:02:52I have absolutely no sympathy

01:02:54for human beings whatsoever.

01:02:56None.

01:02:57And no matter what kind of problem

01:02:58humans are facing,

01:02:59whether it's natural or man-made,

01:03:02I always hope it gets worse.

01:03:05Don't you?

01:03:06Don't you?

01:03:08Don't you have a part of you,

01:03:10a part of you that secretly hopes

01:03:12everything gets worse?

01:03:13When you see a big fire on TV,

01:03:17don't you hope it spreads?

01:03:19Don't you hope it gets

01:03:20completely out of control

01:03:22and burns down six counties?

01:03:25You don't root for the firemen,

01:03:27do you?

01:03:28I mean, I don't want them

01:03:29to get hurt or nothing,

01:03:30but I don't want them

01:03:32putting out my fire.

01:03:34That's my fire.

01:03:35That's nature showing off

01:03:37and having fun.

01:03:39I like fires.

01:03:41You know something else I like?

01:03:42Those spring floods

01:03:43in the Midwest.

01:03:45Aren't they great?

01:03:46Like clockwork.

01:03:47Spring floods in the Midwest.

01:03:49But I'm starting to notice,

01:03:50I'm starting to catch on,

01:03:51that every year

01:03:52it's the same story.

01:03:54Another flood

01:03:55in the same place

01:03:56with the same people

01:03:58on the same river.

01:03:59Same fucking people!

01:04:01And these people do not move.

01:04:02They will not fucking move.

01:04:04They repaint,

01:04:06put down new carpeting

01:04:07and wallpaper,

01:04:07and they move right back

01:04:08into the same fucking house

01:04:09on the flood plain

01:04:10next to the river,

01:04:11and then they wonder

01:04:12why grandma's floating

01:04:13downstream with the parakeet

01:04:14on her head.

01:04:16Fourth time.

01:04:17Again,

01:04:18fourth fucking time.

01:04:20There's no learning curve

01:04:22with these people.

01:04:23It's very hard

01:04:24to feel sorry for them.

01:04:26Every year,

01:04:26same people,

01:04:28same rowboats,

01:04:29out there paddling around,

01:04:32rescuing a chicken.

01:04:33What the fuck

01:04:35kind of a life is that?

01:04:37Well,

01:04:37our kids love it here.

01:04:39Oh, really?

01:04:40What do they got?

01:04:41Gills?

01:04:44And while they're

01:04:44showing all that shit

01:04:45on the screen,

01:04:46the announcer is saying to me,

01:04:47it's been raining steadily

01:04:49for three months now.

01:04:50The ground can't hold

01:04:51any more water.

01:04:51The river is cresting

01:04:52higher than it has

01:04:53in two centuries.

01:04:54The levees have washed away,

01:04:56and I just hope

01:04:57it keeps raining

01:04:58and raining

01:04:59and raining

01:05:00and raining

01:05:01and raining

01:05:02and raining

01:05:03and raining

01:05:04and raining

01:05:05and raining

01:05:06and raining

01:05:07and raining

01:05:08and raining

01:05:09and it rains steadily

01:05:10for five years.

01:05:12And then after that,

01:05:13for ten years,

01:05:14it's cloudy

01:05:15with occasional showers.

01:05:19And the river never returns

01:05:20to its natural banks.

01:05:22It becomes a completely new river.

01:05:24And the borders of three states

01:05:26have to be changed.

01:05:27And all the maps

01:05:28and atlases

01:05:29have to be redrawn

01:05:30and reprinted.

01:05:31And no one's couch

01:05:32ever completely dries out.

01:05:35For years and years,

01:05:36every time they sit down,

01:05:37there's always a little

01:05:38squish.

01:05:42Dan, Linda,

01:05:43come on in, you guys.

01:05:44Have a seat.

01:05:44Squish, squish.

01:05:46I like that.

01:05:48I'm an interesting guy.

01:05:50I always hope

01:05:51that no matter

01:05:51how small

01:05:52the original problem is,

01:05:53it's going to grow

01:05:54into bigger and bigger proportions

01:05:55that get completely

01:05:55out of control.

01:05:56And I'll give you

01:05:57a concrete example.

01:05:58Let's say

01:05:59a water main breaks

01:06:00in downtown Los Angeles

01:06:01and it floods

01:06:02an electrical substation

01:06:03knocking out

01:06:03all the traffic lights

01:06:04and tying up

01:06:05the entire city

01:06:06and emergency vehicles

01:06:07can't get through.

01:06:08And at the same time,

01:06:09one of those month-long

01:06:10global warming heat waves

01:06:11comes along,

01:06:12but there's no air conditioning,

01:06:13there's no water

01:06:13for sanitation,

01:06:14so cholera,

01:06:15smallpox,

01:06:15and dysentery break out

01:06:16and thousands of people

01:06:17start dying in the streets.

01:06:18But before they die,

01:06:19parasites eat their brains

01:06:21and they go

01:06:21completely fucking crazy

01:06:22and they storm the hospital.

01:06:23But the hospital

01:06:24can't handle

01:06:25all the casualties,

01:06:25so these people

01:06:26rape all the nurses

01:06:27and set the hospital

01:06:27on fire.

01:06:29And the flames

01:06:30drive them even crazier,

01:06:31so they start

01:06:31stabbing social workers

01:06:33and garbage men.

01:06:34And a big wind

01:06:35comes along

01:06:35and the entire city

01:06:36goes up in flames

01:06:37and the people

01:06:37who are still healthy,

01:06:38they get mad

01:06:39at the sick people

01:06:40and they start

01:06:40crucifying them,

01:06:41nailing them to crosses,

01:06:42trying on their underwear,

01:06:43shit like that.

01:06:45Then everybody smokes

01:06:46crack in PCP

01:06:47and they march

01:06:48on City Hall

01:06:48where they burn

01:06:49the mayor at the stake,

01:06:49strangle his wife

01:06:50and take turns

01:06:51sodomizing the statue

01:06:52of Larry Flint.

01:06:52And at this point,

01:06:56at this point

01:06:56it looks like

01:06:57pretty soon

01:06:58things are gonna start

01:06:59to get out of control.

01:07:01So everybody panics

01:07:02and tries to leave

01:07:03the city at the same time

01:07:04and they trample

01:07:05each other to death

01:07:06in the streets

01:07:06by the thousands

01:07:07and wild dogs

01:07:08eat their corpses

01:07:08and the wild dogs

01:07:09chase the rest of the people

01:07:10down the highway

01:07:11and one by one

01:07:12the dogs pick off

01:07:12the old fucks

01:07:13and the slow people

01:07:14because they're in

01:07:15the fast lane

01:07:15where they don't belong.

01:07:16Get the fuck out

01:07:17of the fast lane

01:07:17if you're an old fuck

01:07:18if you're a slow fuck.

01:07:19Get over on the right.

01:07:20Get over on the right.

01:07:22And then

01:07:22and the lucky ones

01:07:25the lucky people

01:07:25who managed to make it

01:07:26all the way outside of town

01:07:27they discover

01:07:28when they get there

01:07:28that big sparks

01:07:29from the city

01:07:29have lit the suburbs

01:07:30on fire

01:07:31and the suburbs

01:07:32burn uncontrollably

01:07:33and thousands

01:07:33of identical homes

01:07:34have identical fires

01:07:35with identical smoke

01:07:36killing all the

01:07:37identical soccer moms

01:07:38and their identical kids

01:07:39named Jason and Jennifer.

01:07:42And now

01:07:43now the fire

01:07:43spreads to the farmlands

01:07:44and the farmlands

01:07:45burn intensely

01:07:46at 425 degrees

01:07:47creating millions

01:07:48of baked potatoes

01:07:49and as the farmlands

01:07:51burn

01:07:52as the farmlands

01:07:52burn

01:07:52thousands of barns

01:07:53and farmhouses

01:07:54begin to explode

01:07:55from all the hidden

01:07:56methamphetamine labs

01:07:57and the meth chemicals

01:07:59run downhill

01:07:59into the rivers

01:08:00and streams

01:08:00where wild animals

01:08:01drink the water

01:08:02and get completely

01:08:02geeked on speed

01:08:03so bears and wolves

01:08:05amped up on

01:08:06cranks

01:08:06start roaming

01:08:07the countryside

01:08:07looking for people

01:08:08to eat

01:08:08even though

01:08:10they're not really hungry

01:08:11and the fire

01:08:13spreads to the forest

01:08:14and the forest

01:08:14burn furiously

01:08:15and hundreds of elves

01:08:16and trolls

01:08:16and fairies

01:08:17come running out

01:08:17of the woods

01:08:18screaming

01:08:18Bambi is dead

01:08:19Bambi is dead

01:08:20and he is

01:08:21he is

01:08:22finally that fucking

01:08:23little cunt

01:08:23Bambi is dead

01:08:24dead

01:08:26now hundreds

01:08:28of regional fires

01:08:29come together

01:08:30into one huge

01:08:31interstate inferno

01:08:32and all 12 of the

01:08:33western United States

01:08:34are burning out of control

01:08:35except Utah

01:08:36where the Mormons

01:08:36don't allow fires

01:08:37and the fire

01:08:40spreads across

01:08:40the great plains

01:08:41toasting the wheat

01:08:42cooking the cattle

01:08:42and producing

01:08:43hamburgers actually

01:08:44then it leaps

01:08:46the Mississippi

01:08:46and races through

01:08:47the south

01:08:48blowing up stills

01:08:49interrupting lynchings

01:08:50and killing millions

01:08:51of inbred people

01:08:52and then

01:08:53it turns northeast

01:08:54and it heads

01:08:54for Washington D.C.

01:08:56where George Bush

01:08:56can't decide

01:08:57if it's an emergency

01:08:58or not

01:08:59he can't decide this

01:09:00he doesn't know

01:09:01it's hard

01:09:02oh it's hard work

01:09:04you know

01:09:05no

01:09:06he can't decide

01:09:09because Dick Cheney

01:09:10is in prison

01:09:11so

01:09:12instead he takes a nap

01:09:14he takes a nap

01:09:15he puts his empty

01:09:16fucking brainless head

01:09:18down on the little pillow

01:09:18his mother gave him

01:09:19at Christmas time

01:09:20and he takes a fucking nap

01:09:21so the fire moves

01:09:22to Philadelphia

01:09:23but it's a weekend

01:09:24and Philadelphia's

01:09:25closed on the weekend

01:09:25so the fire moves

01:09:27to New York City

01:09:28and the people in New York

01:09:29tell the fire to go

01:09:30fuck itself

01:09:30go fuck yourself

01:09:32and it does

01:09:34yeah

01:09:36and it does

01:09:39so instead

01:09:39it burns down

01:09:40Long Island

01:09:41and Connecticut

01:09:41killing all the rich

01:09:42white assholes

01:09:43and completely destroying

01:09:44their evil

01:09:44faggoty golf courses

01:09:45and while all this is going on

01:09:52Canada burns to the ground

01:09:53but nobody notices

01:09:54and now the entire

01:09:57North American continent

01:09:58is on fire

01:09:59producing a huge

01:10:00thermal updraft

01:10:00and creating an incendiary

01:10:02cyclonic macro system

01:10:03that forms a hemispheric

01:10:04megastorm

01:10:04breaking down the molecular

01:10:06structure of the atmosphere

01:10:06and actually changing

01:10:07the laws of nature

01:10:08fire and water combine

01:10:10burning clouds of flaming

01:10:11rain fall upward

01:10:12gamma rays and solar winds

01:10:13ignite the ionosphere

01:10:14creating huge clouds

01:10:15of ionized plasma

01:10:16bolts of lightning

01:10:1720 million miles long

01:10:18begin shooting out

01:10:18of the North Pole

01:10:19and the sky fills up

01:10:21with green shit

01:10:22and then suddenly

01:10:24the entire fabric

01:10:25of space-time

01:10:26splits in two

01:10:28a huge crack

01:10:29in the universe opens

01:10:30and all the dead people

01:10:31from the past

01:10:32begin falling through

01:10:33Babe Ruth

01:10:34Groucho Marx

01:10:35Davy Crockett

01:10:36Tiny Tim

01:10:37Porky Pig

01:10:38Hitler

01:10:38Janis Joplin

01:10:39Alan Ludden

01:10:40my Uncle Dave

01:10:41your Uncle Dave

01:10:42everybody's Uncle Dave

01:10:44an endless stream

01:10:45of dead Uncle Daves

01:10:46falling through the crack

01:10:47and all the dead Uncle Daves

01:10:49gather around

01:10:50a heavenly kitchen table

01:10:51they light up cigarettes

01:10:53and they begin to talk

01:10:54they talk about

01:10:55how they never got a break

01:10:56how their parents

01:10:57didn't love them

01:10:57and their children

01:10:58were ungrateful

01:10:59they talk about

01:11:00how the government

01:11:00screwed them out of money

01:11:01and they just missed out

01:11:02on a big job

01:11:03they say the Jews

01:11:04own everything

01:11:05and the blacks

01:11:05get special treatment

01:11:06and all the hatred

01:11:08and bitterness

01:11:08drips out of these people

01:11:10and forms a big pool

01:11:11of liquid hate

01:11:12and the pool

01:11:12of liquid hate

01:11:13begins to spin

01:11:14round and round

01:11:15it spins

01:11:15faster and faster

01:11:16and the faster it spins

01:11:17the bigger it gets

01:11:18faster and faster

01:11:19bigger and bigger

01:11:19until the whirling pool

01:11:20of hate is bigger

01:11:21than the entire universe

01:11:22and then suddenly

01:11:23it explodes

01:11:24into trillions

01:11:25of tiny stars

01:11:26and every star

01:11:27has a trillion planets

01:11:29and every planet

01:11:30has a trillion

01:11:30Uncle Daves

01:11:31and all the Uncle Daves

01:11:33have good jobs

01:11:34perfect eyesight

01:11:35and shoes that fit

01:11:36they have great sex lives

01:11:38and free health care

01:11:39they understand the internet

01:11:41their kids think

01:11:42they're cool

01:11:42and they all love

01:11:43their neighbors

01:11:44and every week

01:11:45without fail

01:11:47Uncle Dave wins

01:11:48the lottery

01:11:48forever and ever

01:11:50until the end of time

01:11:51every single Uncle Dave

01:11:53has a winning ticket

01:11:54and Uncle Dave

01:11:55is finally happy

01:11:57now do you see

01:11:58why I like it

01:11:58when nature gets even

01:12:00with humans

01:12:00thanks for coming

01:12:02in here

01:12:02thank you

01:12:08see you later

01:12:09thank you

01:12:17thank you

01:12:19thank you

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