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Kelsey Cook: The Hustler (2023) is a lively and entertaining comedy special featuring the talented comedian Kelsey Cook. Filled with clever humor, witty observations, and memorable performances, the show delivers a fun and engaging experience for viewers of all ages. With playful storytelling, energetic delivery, and relatable scenarios, it highlights creativity, comedic timing, and the joy of laughter. This special is perfect for anyone seeking a lighthearted, family-friendly comedy that celebrates humor, storytelling, and engaging performances.
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Kelsey Cook The Hustler, Kelsey Cook The Hustler 2023, Kelsey Cook movie, Kelsey Cook comedy special, Kelsey Cook full show, family-friendly comedy, entertaining special, humorous performance, engaging show, witty humor, clever storytelling, playful scenarios, memorable characters, lighthearted entertainment, fun comedy, enjoyable show, comedic performance, laughter and fun, family comedy, entertaining movie, captivating show, uplifting story, positive comedy, imaginative performance, delightful show, fun for all ages, engaging comedy, lively performance, humorous movie, cheerful comedy
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00:00:30Denver, how are we feeling?
00:00:35Wow, thank you guys so much for coming out.
00:00:39It feels so good to be back in the land of hot, outdoorsy couples.
00:00:45Look at all of you.
00:00:47It's a treat for my eyeballs.
00:00:49I love it.
00:00:50Except I could never tell with you Denver dudes if you're actually hot or if you just have facial hair.
00:00:58You know what I mean?
00:01:00You guys always have a hat, mustache, beard, an IPA blocking your nose and mouth.
00:01:08I'm like, are you attractive if you're just covering 90% of your face?
00:01:13Because we all think that cats are cute until you see a hairless cat.
00:01:17And then you're like, kill it with fire.
00:01:25No.
00:01:26Anytime I've seen one, I've been like, is it sick?
00:01:30And the owner's always like, no, we actually paid $5,000 for him.
00:01:33So, I'm like, for Gollum with a collar?
00:01:37Why?
00:01:40Could have just blown my nose into Kleenex and handed it to you for free.
00:01:43And it looks the same.
00:01:46It's just runny shapes.
00:01:47I don't like it.
00:01:50I'm glad you guys came out.
00:01:52I know that everybody's had a really crazy past couple years.
00:01:54I had an especially crazy 2020.
00:01:57I actually got divorced a week before COVID hit.
00:02:00Yeah, so who's ready for some comedy?
00:02:10I just start crying.
00:02:12No, it's okay.
00:02:14I think the craziest part about getting divorced
00:02:17is having to change your emergency contact back to your mom.
00:02:21It would be less embarrassing to use a stranger from Craigslist, truly.
00:02:33But, uh, other than that, it went pretty smoothly.
00:02:36Like, we still have a lot of love and respect for each other.
00:02:39He's also a comedian, so we didn't have a lot of assets to split up.
00:02:47It's not like there was a summer house and a boat.
00:02:50It was like,
00:02:51Do you want the Batman Begins DVD?
00:02:57Who gets the good spatula?
00:03:02And after some time had passed,
00:03:04we decided that we were going to try and be friends again.
00:03:06And that's always a little weird.
00:03:07The first time you try hanging out with an ex as a friend,
00:03:10when he saw me, he fist bumped me.
00:03:14I was like, wow, honestly, I would rather have you fist me.
00:03:20That would feel less physically uncomfortable
00:03:25than this nightmare you just put us through.
00:03:29Hated that.
00:03:31Absolutely not.
00:03:32And I've had the deadly peanut allergy for most of my life.
00:03:37So for the eight years we were together,
00:03:39he had to stop eating peanut products.
00:03:41Because if he did and then kissed me, my throat could close.
00:03:43So when I saw him, I was like,
00:03:45Oh, what's it like to eat peanut butter again?
00:03:47He goes,
00:03:48Oh, man.
00:03:49We should have broken up a long time ago.
00:03:56I don't even blame him.
00:03:57Have you had peanut butter?
00:03:59I can't compete with that.
00:04:01I hate that the person I'm with has to give that up.
00:04:04That puts way too much pressure on me
00:04:06to be worth the trade-off.
00:04:07Right?
00:04:09Like, you're going to rob a man of Reese's
00:04:11for the rest of his life?
00:04:13Bitch, you better be pretty open-minded in the bedroom.
00:04:18I'm going to make a man stop
00:04:19swallowing something delicious.
00:04:21Well, get ready to start swallowing something gross.
00:04:28You got to fill the void that Snickers left.
00:04:33Missionary with the lights off
00:04:34ain't going to cut it anymore.
00:04:36So I had to learn some new moves
00:04:38and watch some tutorials.
00:04:41That's what I call porn.
00:04:42It's just educational for me now.
00:04:46I just watch with a little notepad like,
00:04:48Oh, pretend to gag.
00:04:56Seems good.
00:05:02I do think it's easy when you get married
00:05:04to stop trying as hard in bed,
00:05:06but, God, if you get divorced
00:05:07and you start trying to date again,
00:05:09it's like having to come back out of retirement.
00:05:12You know, it's like you got to start stretching,
00:05:17get ready to run another BJ 5K.
00:05:22Like, no, I just did this.
00:05:26Somebody moved the finish line back
00:05:28another 10 years.
00:05:29Ugh.
00:05:30Can't even see it.
00:05:32Do we have any married people here tonight?
00:05:34That was a pretty sad sound.
00:05:42You guys were faking it a little bit.
00:05:44You're like, eh.
00:05:45Some of you just treated it like a silent auction.
00:05:47You were like...
00:05:50Just so sad.
00:05:54Anybody here been married for a really long time,
00:05:55like over 20 years?
00:05:56You guys are so cute.
00:06:00How long have you been married?
00:06:0221.
00:06:02Give it up for 21.
00:06:03That's a long time.
00:06:08Yeah.
00:06:08So you guys get it.
00:06:11If you've been working the same job
00:06:13for over two decades,
00:06:15you start to cut some corners.
00:06:21Right?
00:06:23But if it is your first week
00:06:24at a new blowjob,
00:06:26you are hustling.
00:06:30You just are.
00:06:31I'm sure you dudes have figured out by now
00:06:33that the best blowjob you ever get from us
00:06:35is the first blowjob.
00:06:36Because women,
00:06:39we're so competitive.
00:06:40We know that you're about to compare us
00:06:41to every other one you've ever had.
00:06:43So we just enter the arena that night like...
00:06:47I will be queen.
00:06:52Give me that.
00:06:54Pulling all our tips and tricks,
00:06:56hurt our knees,
00:06:57throw our back out.
00:06:58We want a trophy.
00:07:02We will give head to get ahead.
00:07:06But then you get married
00:07:07and you start to treat blowjobs
00:07:09like you're assembling Ikea furniture.
00:07:14Just skip a few steps
00:07:16and by the end you're like,
00:07:18next time I'm hiring somebody else to do this.
00:07:27Little righty-tighty, lefty-loosey,
00:07:29let's get the hell out of here.
00:07:32We gotta go to Costco.
00:07:36I tried to avoid the whole
00:07:40post-breakup identity crisis.
00:07:42One of my friends went through a breakup
00:07:43and she got this dramatic haircut afterward
00:07:46as a revenge move against her ex.
00:07:48She's like,
00:07:48if he sees me,
00:07:49he's gonna know he missed out
00:07:50on this whole other me.
00:07:54Like a guy has ever seen a haircut
00:07:56and been like...
00:07:57never got a fuck asymmetrical lob, Lisa.
00:08:17Bullshit.
00:08:20You guys never know
00:08:21when we change our hair, right?
00:08:23You're not even observant of yourselves.
00:08:26Before the divorce,
00:08:27I was cuddling with my ex
00:08:28and I felt like my leg
00:08:29had been stabbed.
00:08:31I looked down.
00:08:32His toenails look like
00:08:33he cut them with his teeth.
00:08:38They're all jagged.
00:08:40Like he could unlock
00:08:41a secret door in a haunted house.
00:08:42I was...
00:08:43I was like,
00:08:46do you have a best friend
00:08:46with a matching jagged toenail
00:08:48and you put them together
00:08:48and make a best friend necklace?
00:08:49Is that what you're...
00:08:50Is that what you're doing?
00:08:54He turned his toenail into a prison ship.
00:08:56And I was like,
00:08:57what is this?
00:08:58He goes,
00:08:59I just didn't notice.
00:09:02Oh, I sure did.
00:09:04When you shanked my Achilles tendon.
00:09:08I'm bleeding out.
00:09:10Because I feel like this stuff
00:09:11only gets worse with you guys
00:09:12with age.
00:09:13Like we've all seen
00:09:13the really old men
00:09:15with thick tufts of raccoon hair
00:09:17growing out of their ears.
00:09:18I'm sure that guy's wife
00:09:21has been telling him
00:09:22to trim it for years
00:09:23and he just can't hear her.
00:09:27Like that?
00:09:29It's like yelling into a fan.
00:09:34It's coming right back
00:09:35in your face.
00:09:37I just sat next to
00:09:39a very old man
00:09:40on a plane recently
00:09:41and I had my notebook out
00:09:42and he leans over and goes,
00:09:44it's nice to see somebody writing
00:09:46and not on their phone.
00:09:47and I was like,
00:09:49aw, he doesn't know
00:09:50I'm writing jokes about cum.
00:10:01And I was like,
00:10:01aw, suddenly Candy Crush
00:10:03doesn't seem so bad,
00:10:04huh, Wendell?
00:10:07And I booped him,
00:10:08booped him on the nose.
00:10:11Love that, Wendell.
00:10:12It does feel a little weird
00:10:15to start over now
00:10:16in my 30s,
00:10:17but at least I know now
00:10:18what I like
00:10:18and don't like
00:10:19in a relationship.
00:10:20For example,
00:10:21I don't care how hot you are,
00:10:23I'm still never gonna eat your ass.
00:10:29Not a fan of the devil's chocolate.
00:10:32No, thank you.
00:10:38And I'm fair about it.
00:10:39I don't ask anybody
00:10:40to eat mine either, okay?
00:10:41There's no need.
00:10:42Women have a lot of holes down there.
00:10:43It's like a mini golf course.
00:10:47Just skip the one
00:10:48that's in a lagoon.
00:10:49Just don't even look at it.
00:10:52I have never wanted
00:10:56to do that
00:10:56to one of you guys.
00:10:57Most of you dudes
00:10:58have real blue-collar assholes.
00:11:03Not a lot of maintenance
00:11:04going on back there.
00:11:07That thing works at Lowe's.
00:11:12I don't trust it.
00:11:14It's like blindly sticking your face
00:11:16between two couch cushions.
00:11:17There's just goldfish crackers
00:11:20and part of a broken
00:11:24Christmas ornament.
00:11:27It's a choking hazard, frankly.
00:11:30I'm not gonna swallow a paperclip
00:11:32so you can come a new way.
00:11:38And that is the joke
00:11:39I wrote next to Wendell
00:11:40on the plate.
00:11:41Now you know.
00:11:53And I don't know
00:11:53if I'm alone in this,
00:11:55but I didn't even hear
00:11:56about eating ass
00:11:57until later on in life.
00:11:58And when I did,
00:11:59I was like,
00:12:00why is that even on the menu?
00:12:02Because as women,
00:12:03you want to seem like
00:12:04you're cool and dirty
00:12:06and down for anything,
00:12:07but it's poop.
00:12:11Like, that's not even
00:12:12the same universe
00:12:13of things that turn me on, right?
00:12:15Like, that's like going to Disneyland
00:12:16and one of the rides
00:12:17is beekeeping.
00:12:18You're like, what?
00:12:22That sounds terrible.
00:12:24And dangerous.
00:12:26Like, I don't understand
00:12:27how the people
00:12:28who are eating ass all the time
00:12:29aren't getting violently ill.
00:12:31I have been washing my produce
00:12:33for 32 years
00:12:35to avoid E. coli.
00:12:38But I'm supposed to take my mouth
00:12:39and go straight to the source?
00:12:44Just drink from the hose?
00:12:48I don't trust you dudes
00:12:49to wash a frying pan correctly,
00:12:51let alone your assholes.
00:12:56Not dying at 32
00:12:57from Brad's butthole.
00:13:01dreams and goals
00:13:06to accomplish.
00:13:08Have you guys
00:13:09been drinking tonight?
00:13:10Yeah?
00:13:12Wow.
00:13:13You're fucking hammered.
00:13:15Christ.
00:13:16You've knocked me backward.
00:13:18Some of my friends
00:13:19actually got sober
00:13:21during quarantine
00:13:22and if I'm being honest
00:13:23with you,
00:13:23I found it unacceptable.
00:13:27I was like,
00:13:27I just got divorced.
00:13:28I need you to ramp it up
00:13:29with me.
00:13:31Now's not the time
00:13:32for you to be a better person.
00:13:33Okay?
00:13:33You're actually being selfish.
00:13:36So.
00:13:37Some of them took
00:13:38the AA quiz online
00:13:39so I took it with them
00:13:40and it turns out
00:13:41it makes everybody sound
00:13:43like they're an alcoholic.
00:13:44The first question is,
00:13:46have you ever used alcohol
00:13:47to alter your mood?
00:13:48like, is there any other reason
00:13:54who's like,
00:13:57no, I'm in it
00:13:57for the acne
00:13:58and diarrhea?
00:14:03I'm the purist.
00:14:06The second question is,
00:14:08after consuming alcohol,
00:14:10have you ever done something
00:14:11you've regretted?
00:14:12do you mean literally
00:14:16every time?
00:14:18Who's getting drunk
00:14:19and doing the Lord's work?
00:14:25I've never had five margaritas
00:14:27and been like,
00:14:27all right,
00:14:28time to donate blood.
00:14:29got past this party
00:14:34on someone in need.
00:14:40My biggest regrets
00:14:41stem from alcohol.
00:14:42When I was in college,
00:14:43I used to take shots of gin
00:14:45and chase them
00:14:45with deli meat.
00:14:46You know you're white trash
00:14:53when your cocktails
00:14:53involve ham.
00:14:57And it's not great.
00:15:00But I feel like
00:15:00if you're broke in college,
00:15:02you form weird habits
00:15:02like that.
00:15:03Like, if you don't have
00:15:04a dishwasher,
00:15:04you try and cook
00:15:05using as few dishes
00:15:06as possible.
00:15:07Okay.
00:15:08I want to know
00:15:08if you guys do this.
00:15:09Like, if you want banana
00:15:10on your cereal,
00:15:11but you don't want
00:15:11to get a knife dirty,
00:15:12do you ever just
00:15:13tear pieces off
00:15:14with your teeth
00:15:14and then...
00:15:15The creatures
00:15:23come out at night.
00:15:25Look at you.
00:15:26I didn't even know
00:15:27that was weird
00:15:27until my ex
00:15:28caught me doing it
00:15:29and was like,
00:15:31are you mama birding
00:15:33yourself?
00:15:38You need to get some help.
00:15:40I was like,
00:15:41I learned this
00:15:41while I worked at IHOP,
00:15:42so I don't want
00:15:43to hear it.
00:15:45Time is money.
00:15:50I'm being efficient.
00:15:51Okay?
00:15:56Wow.
00:15:59You like that
00:15:59Disney villain laugh
00:16:01in the shadows?
00:16:03What the fuck was that?
00:16:07I like that
00:16:08on the special.
00:16:08That's good.
00:16:10Keep that weird shit up.
00:16:11I did so much
00:16:18dumb drunk shit
00:16:19in college.
00:16:19At one point,
00:16:20my friends and I
00:16:21went to Vegas.
00:16:22I got hammered,
00:16:23ate a bunch of food,
00:16:24passed out,
00:16:25woke up the next morning,
00:16:26went to the pool,
00:16:27and when I looked down,
00:16:28there was like
00:16:29white powdery stuff
00:16:30in my belly button.
00:16:32And I was like,
00:16:33oh God,
00:16:34did I do Coke
00:16:35for the first time
00:16:35last night?
00:16:36And so I touched it
00:16:38and I tasted it
00:16:39and I was like,
00:16:41oh,
00:16:42Parmesan cheese.
00:16:53My friends told me
00:16:54that apparently
00:16:55I ate seven slices
00:16:56of pizza
00:16:57like a wild boar
00:16:59and in the process
00:17:02just dumped
00:17:03a loose quarter cup
00:17:04of parm
00:17:05down my shirt
00:17:05and then let it
00:17:08collect in my belly button
00:17:09like some sort of
00:17:10Pizza Hut stripper.
00:17:13So,
00:17:15made some really good
00:17:16choices in my life.
00:17:18I do think I made
00:17:19an actual good choice
00:17:20recently.
00:17:20I just quit being vegan
00:17:22after a year and a half
00:17:23of doing it.
00:17:24I'm back, baby!
00:17:29Back in these meat streets.
00:17:31Oh, man.
00:17:32Does it feel good
00:17:33to have friends again?
00:17:37Yeah.
00:17:38No one wants you around.
00:17:40My ex-husband and I,
00:17:42we went vegan together
00:17:43on January 1st, 2020.
00:17:46And then two months later,
00:17:48we were divorced.
00:17:52Am I saying that
00:17:53veganism ruins marriages?
00:17:55Yeah, yeah.
00:17:55I am.
00:17:57But if we kept on
00:17:58eating nachos,
00:17:59we would have been
00:17:59too happy and too sleepy
00:18:00to notice our problems.
00:18:03There's not a lot of divorce
00:18:05in the Midwest.
00:18:06People think it's religion.
00:18:07It's cheese curds.
00:18:10Cheese can do
00:18:11what God can't.
00:18:14A couple hasn't had sex
00:18:15in 20 years,
00:18:16but they eat a cheese curd
00:18:17and go,
00:18:18you know what?
00:18:19One more day.
00:18:20One more day.
00:18:20I'll think about
00:18:26divorce tomorrow,
00:18:27but right now,
00:18:29I'm gonna face
00:18:29fuck this cheddar.
00:18:32I'm gonna get lost
00:18:33in this plate.
00:18:38So,
00:18:39I just saw something online
00:18:40that burned my eyes.
00:18:41I just found out
00:18:42that I'm on WikiFeet.
00:18:43Does anybody here
00:18:44know what WikiFeet is?
00:18:45A few of you nodding.
00:18:49A lot of dudes
00:18:50that are like,
00:18:50don't make eye contact
00:18:51with me right now.
00:18:54If you don't know
00:18:55what WikiFeet is,
00:18:56it's a website for people
00:18:57with foot fetishes.
00:18:59So,
00:18:59women,
00:19:00if you post a photo
00:19:00on Instagram
00:19:01that shows your little
00:19:02tootsies,
00:19:03the foot folks
00:19:04might do a copy and paste
00:19:05onto WikiFeet
00:19:06and then zoom in
00:19:07on your toes
00:19:08and make their
00:19:09keyboard sticky.
00:19:10I know.
00:19:14It's like scrapbooking
00:19:15for men who need Jesus.
00:19:19It's a nice hobby.
00:19:20I know that sounds
00:19:21like I'm King Shaman.
00:19:22I'm really not trying to.
00:19:23Honestly,
00:19:23I am so jealous
00:19:24that some people
00:19:25can get off from that.
00:19:26Like,
00:19:27I wish I could just stare
00:19:28at a dude's hairy kneecap
00:19:30and get tingles
00:19:33in my basement.
00:19:34What a life.
00:19:36I would live
00:19:37on Wiki knees.
00:19:38Oh,
00:19:39now we get nothing done.
00:19:41So much harder than that.
00:19:43So somebody told me
00:19:44that there's this profile
00:19:45of me on WikiFeet
00:19:46and at first
00:19:46when I heard that
00:19:47I was like,
00:19:47oh,
00:19:48does that mean
00:19:49I have hot feet?
00:19:50Hmm.
00:19:51I'm so flattered.
00:19:53Then I went and looked,
00:19:54I saw that the foot fetish
00:19:54community has rated my feet
00:19:56only 2.3 out of 5 stars.
00:20:01Which they call
00:20:02OK feet.
00:20:05I was like,
00:20:06oh,
00:20:06apparently I have
00:20:06Applebee's feet.
00:20:09It's like,
00:20:13you'll put it in your mouth,
00:20:14but you won't tell
00:20:14anybody about it.
00:20:18I'm going to have a
00:20:19two for Tuesday deal.
00:20:22And a few months
00:20:23before the pandemic hit,
00:20:24some dude
00:20:25slid into my DMs
00:20:26and just said,
00:20:28two grand
00:20:28for foot vid.
00:20:30Now,
00:20:30Denver,
00:20:31make some noise
00:20:32if you would send
00:20:32a video of your feet
00:20:33to a stranger
00:20:34for $2,000.
00:20:40Godless animals,
00:20:42all of you.
00:20:43My ears.
00:20:44Jesus.
00:20:46Some of you just
00:20:46throw your areola up
00:20:47on Facebook
00:20:48for a dollar.
00:20:51Ants and uncles
00:20:51seeing it,
00:20:52you don't give a shit.
00:20:54You're like,
00:20:55Venmo me my dollar,
00:20:56Aunt Sherry,
00:20:56I earned this.
00:20:57This is a solid nip.
00:21:02Well,
00:21:02I appreciate your honesty.
00:21:04I wasn't quite as sure
00:21:05about it
00:21:06as all the humor.
00:21:08I was like,
00:21:09I don't know this guy.
00:21:09He's going to have
00:21:10a video of my feet
00:21:11for the rest of his life.
00:21:12It's too weird.
00:21:13I'm not doing it.
00:21:15But then COVID hit.
00:21:16And I lost
00:21:20all my comedy work.
00:21:22So two days later,
00:21:23I wrote him back.
00:21:26I got desperate so fast.
00:21:28I was like,
00:21:28all right, man.
00:21:29Two grand from my feet.
00:21:31I'm ready.
00:21:32Let's do it.
00:21:33And he never responded.
00:21:37I got ghosted
00:21:38by the foot guy.
00:21:42Do you know
00:21:42how humiliating it feels
00:21:44to lower your morals
00:21:46and your values
00:21:47only to have a foot guy
00:21:49be like,
00:21:49no, I'm good now.
00:21:50You're like,
00:21:51what?
00:21:52What happened?
00:21:55It's like this smelly kid
00:21:56coming up to you at prom
00:21:57and you're like,
00:21:58all right, fine.
00:21:59One dance.
00:22:00And he's like,
00:22:01I was just going to ask you
00:22:02where the bathroom is.
00:22:02You're like,
00:22:03fuck you, Travis.
00:22:07Get out of here.
00:22:09Just trying to be nice.
00:22:09I love my mom so much.
00:22:17She's amazing.
00:22:18But she's been trying
00:22:18to give me career advice
00:22:20and none of it's helpful.
00:22:21You know,
00:22:22she doesn't understand
00:22:23that there are different
00:22:23levels of fame in comedy.
00:22:25She thinks that all comics
00:22:26are best friends.
00:22:27She'll be like,
00:22:27why don't you call
00:22:29Jerry Seinfeld
00:22:30and ask to do
00:22:34Comedians in Cars
00:22:35getting coffee.
00:22:36And I'm like,
00:22:37mom,
00:22:37I can't even get a guy
00:22:38to jerk off to my feet.
00:22:48Let's lower expectations.
00:22:51Just a little bit.
00:22:55Like,
00:22:55this is where my career is at.
00:22:57I have a foosball web series
00:22:58on YouTube, okay?
00:23:00I'm like, here.
00:23:01When my mom heard that,
00:23:02she goes,
00:23:03you know who I bet
00:23:04would love to do
00:23:05your YouTube show,
00:23:06Ellen DeGeneres.
00:23:11I was like,
00:23:12oh, you bet, huh?
00:23:14Well, let's put some money on it
00:23:16because I bet
00:23:16she fucking wouldn't.
00:23:20If I win,
00:23:21you have to let me back
00:23:21on your cell phone plan.
00:23:29She's always trying
00:23:30to find ways
00:23:31to get me on television.
00:23:32Like, when she heard
00:23:33I was getting divorced,
00:23:33she sent me a text
00:23:34that said,
00:23:35now that you're single,
00:23:36you can go on
00:23:37The Bachelor
00:23:38or Miss America.
00:23:44I was like,
00:23:45yeah,
00:23:45because marriage
00:23:46is what was
00:23:46holding me back
00:23:47from becoming
00:23:51Miss America.
00:23:55Pretty sure
00:23:55part of the qualifications
00:23:56include
00:23:57hasn't been paid
00:23:57in jello shots
00:23:58to tell dick jokes.
00:24:01So,
00:24:01I don't think
00:24:02I'm getting it.
00:24:05Let's talk about
00:24:06the foosball web series.
00:24:07So,
00:24:08my entire family
00:24:09and I
00:24:09are actually
00:24:10world champion
00:24:11foosball players.
00:24:13Thank you.
00:24:14Thank you.
00:24:15I know it sounds made up.
00:24:16I swear it's real.
00:24:17My parents
00:24:18met
00:24:19playing at a professional
00:24:20foosball tournament
00:24:21in the 80s.
00:24:21so I literally
00:24:23wouldn't exist
00:24:24if it weren't
00:24:25for foosball.
00:24:28Which is sad.
00:24:29But,
00:24:30you know,
00:24:30some of you
00:24:31wouldn't exist
00:24:31if it weren't
00:24:32for boxed wine.
00:24:33So,
00:24:33it's like,
00:24:33yeah,
00:24:33whatever.
00:24:36We're all
00:24:37a little garbage.
00:24:38Let's not judge
00:24:39each other.
00:24:43It gets rid of,
00:24:43not only is my dad
00:24:44a pro foosball player,
00:24:45he's also a
00:24:46slam poetry champion.
00:24:48and an international
00:24:51yo-yo man.
00:24:54Yeah.
00:24:55My dad has the
00:24:56sex appeal
00:24:56of a fanny pack.
00:25:01Crushing it.
00:25:03And my mom
00:25:03is in the
00:25:04foosball hall of fame
00:25:05and they've been
00:25:06training me to play
00:25:07since I was like
00:25:07two years old.
00:25:08But,
00:25:08since no one suspects
00:25:09that I'm a pro
00:25:10foosball player,
00:25:11I love to hustle people.
00:25:13Right?
00:25:13And so I usually
00:25:14play against other
00:25:15comedians on my
00:25:16web series,
00:25:16but we did this
00:25:17special episode
00:25:18where I went
00:25:18undercover in Vegas
00:25:19and I hustled
00:25:20drunk dudes
00:25:21on the Vegas strip.
00:25:24So I wore this
00:25:25low-cut top,
00:25:26I talked in the
00:25:27worst voice,
00:25:28and my camera crew
00:25:29and I would go up
00:25:29to groups of guys
00:25:30and I'd go,
00:25:31hi,
00:25:32my name's Kelsey
00:25:33and I have this
00:25:34web series
00:25:35where I do things
00:25:36that I've never done
00:25:37before for the first time.
00:25:42It's called
00:25:43Pop My Cherry.
00:25:48It's silly,
00:25:50I know.
00:25:51So,
00:25:51I've never played
00:25:53foosball before
00:25:53and we just
00:25:54found this table
00:25:55and I was just
00:25:56wondering if you
00:25:56guys want to play me.
00:26:04And every group
00:26:05of guys is like,
00:26:06hell yeah,
00:26:06bitch,
00:26:06let's go.
00:26:10Yeah,
00:26:11play right now.
00:26:12So I would play
00:26:14the first game
00:26:15terribly on purpose,
00:26:16right?
00:26:17I would giggle a bunch,
00:26:18spin the rods a lot,
00:26:19really build up
00:26:20their confidence.
00:26:21And then I go,
00:26:21okay,
00:26:22so I think I've got
00:26:22the hang of it now
00:26:23and this is Vegas,
00:26:24so we should play
00:26:25for money.
00:26:32And every guy
00:26:33would put their
00:26:34whole wallet
00:26:35on the table.
00:26:39And they'd hand me
00:26:39the ball and go,
00:26:40here,
00:26:40you can serve first.
00:26:42and that's when
00:26:44I pull out
00:26:45my foosball
00:26:46grip glove.
00:26:59Checkmate,
00:26:59motherfucker.
00:27:00Yeah,
00:27:11I've never done
00:27:12cocaine,
00:27:12but I would assume
00:27:13it's a similar rush.
00:27:17I've only done
00:27:18Parmesan cheese,
00:27:19which,
00:27:20also exhilarating.
00:27:23A lot cheaper.
00:27:24So I mentioned that
00:27:28my ex and I,
00:27:29we were together
00:27:29for a really long time,
00:27:30so we knew
00:27:31so much about each other,
00:27:32but one thing
00:27:33that he didn't know
00:27:34about me until
00:27:34toward the end,
00:27:35I told him that
00:27:36sometimes,
00:27:37I pee in the shower.
00:27:39And by sometimes,
00:27:41I mean every time.
00:27:44And don't you guys
00:27:45act like you
00:27:45don't do it too.
00:27:47We are all
00:27:48swamp monsters.
00:27:49There is no drug
00:27:51in the history
00:27:51of time
00:27:52with a higher
00:27:52addiction rate
00:27:53than peeing
00:27:54in the shower.
00:27:56Okay?
00:27:56You think you're
00:27:57better than that,
00:27:58you think you're
00:27:58above doing it,
00:27:59and then you let
00:28:00yourself do it
00:28:01one time.
00:28:03And you're like,
00:28:04well,
00:28:04I guess I'm doing this
00:28:05every day
00:28:05for the rest of my life.
00:28:06It is the best.
00:28:09I feel like I'm
00:28:09on vacation every day.
00:28:11Just carefree living.
00:28:14And I thought
00:28:15that he and I
00:28:16were gonna bond over it.
00:28:17You know?
00:28:17Like maybe we had
00:28:18the same dirty
00:28:19little secret.
00:28:20And instead,
00:28:21he was like,
00:28:23what?
00:28:25Ugh, gross.
00:28:27That means every time
00:28:27I shower,
00:28:28I've just been
00:28:28standing in your pee.
00:28:30I was like,
00:28:31I do it
00:28:32while I'm showering.
00:28:33Like the water
00:28:34takes it down
00:28:34the drain immediately.
00:28:36You're acting
00:28:36like I walk
00:28:37into our bathroom,
00:28:39drop my pants,
00:28:43stand in the shower,
00:28:45and just piss
00:28:45on dry porcelain
00:28:47like a serial killer.
00:28:55And then get out,
00:28:57put my pants back on,
00:29:00and just leave you
00:29:01a puddle of urine
00:29:02like a feral cat.
00:29:06I was like,
00:29:10I'm gonna start
00:29:10peeing on your pillow
00:29:11and give you
00:29:11some real problems.
00:29:15This is nonsense.
00:29:18One of my friends
00:29:19told me that
00:29:19apparently we're all
00:29:20supposed to throw
00:29:21our pillows away
00:29:21once a year
00:29:22and get new ones.
00:29:23You guys been doing that?
00:29:23feels good to be
00:29:27gross together,
00:29:28huh?
00:29:30We all have
00:29:31such a weird attitude
00:29:32toward pillows
00:29:32because they cost
00:29:33like 10 bucks,
00:29:34but we all keep
00:29:35the same disgusting
00:29:36pillows for decades.
00:29:39Like it's the
00:29:39Great Depression.
00:29:42Like we're some
00:29:43old prospector
00:29:44like,
00:29:44well this here's
00:29:45the pillow
00:29:45they gave me
00:29:46at the orphanage
00:29:47and I'll be
00:29:47goddamned
00:29:48if this ain't
00:29:48the same pillow
00:29:49I die with.
00:29:53Why?
00:29:57Pillows and towels,
00:29:58right?
00:29:59Like we never
00:30:00get rid of towels.
00:30:01They just eventually
00:30:02become the ones
00:30:03you like dry
00:30:03the dog with.
00:30:09Why are you
00:30:10holding on to so many?
00:30:11Do we all think
00:30:11we're gonna have
00:30:12like a home birth
00:30:13someday?
00:30:14I'm gonna
00:30:15sop some stuff up.
00:30:18My grandparents'
00:30:20towels are
00:30:20historical artifacts
00:30:21at this point.
00:30:23I don't know
00:30:23if you've visited
00:30:24your elders recently.
00:30:25They have washcloths
00:30:26that look like
00:30:26they were woven
00:30:27from wheat.
00:30:31I'm like,
00:30:32did this belong
00:30:32to Jesus?
00:30:34I feel like
00:30:35I'm drying my face
00:30:35with a Triscuit.
00:30:38My eyelids are bleeding.
00:30:42so I got on
00:30:47dating apps
00:30:48for the first time
00:30:49last year
00:30:49and they let me
00:30:50onto the celebrity
00:30:51dating app
00:30:52which, listen,
00:30:53obviously they use
00:30:54the term celebrity
00:30:55real loosely, okay?
00:30:57If they saw
00:30:57my wiki feed
00:30:58they'd be like,
00:30:58absolutely not.
00:30:59We got to.
00:31:01She can't sit with us.
00:31:04Yeah.
00:31:04They let in somebody
00:31:05who's 32
00:31:06and still shops
00:31:06at Forever 21
00:31:07so I for sure
00:31:09tricked them.
00:31:10I know that store
00:31:11is trash.
00:31:12but I just
00:31:12can't stop going.
00:31:13I just love it so much.
00:31:15The last time
00:31:15I was there
00:31:16I told the girl
00:31:16at the register
00:31:17that I found
00:31:17a makeup stain
00:31:18on this tank top
00:31:19I wanted
00:31:19and I asked
00:31:20if I could get
00:31:20a discount
00:31:21and she just
00:31:22stared at me
00:31:22with dead eyes
00:31:23and was like,
00:31:25it's already
00:31:26only $2.99.
00:31:27like, do you want
00:31:38us to just
00:31:39give you
00:31:39the tank top
00:31:40and pay off
00:31:44your student loans.
00:31:48This is Forever 21.
00:31:49Everything's stained.
00:31:52It's basically
00:31:53an animal shelter.
00:31:57God, I love that store.
00:32:00The first date
00:32:01I went on
00:32:02through the celebrity app
00:32:03was such a disaster.
00:32:04I went out
00:32:05with this guy
00:32:05who was from Europe
00:32:06originally.
00:32:07So he had this really
00:32:08thick European accent
00:32:09and some of the words
00:32:11he said
00:32:11sounded like other words.
00:32:14So he's telling me
00:32:14about his cat
00:32:15and he goes
00:32:16yeah, you know
00:32:16I love my cat
00:32:18but he rapes
00:32:19my shirts.
00:32:26And my brain
00:32:27was like
00:32:27that can't
00:32:29be right.
00:32:31Nope.
00:32:33So I sat
00:32:33with it for a second
00:32:34and I was like
00:32:35oh, oh
00:32:37he rips
00:32:38your shirts.
00:32:39Okay.
00:32:39Sorry, I just
00:32:40I thought you said
00:32:41that he rapes
00:32:42your shirts.
00:32:43and with zero hesitation
00:32:45this dude goes
00:32:46yeah, no
00:32:47he rapes my shirts
00:32:48and I don't understand
00:32:50why
00:32:50because he's neutered
00:32:51but he will not
00:32:51stop raping my shirts.
00:32:56Then I had to
00:32:57hide my shirts
00:32:58and then I gave him
00:32:59a blanket
00:33:00and now that's
00:33:01his rape blanket
00:33:01and I'm like
00:33:02what the fuck?
00:33:06Am I on a
00:33:07hidden camera show?
00:33:10Where if this dude
00:33:10says rape 18 times
00:33:12before dessert
00:33:13he wins a jet ski?
00:33:16Is this one of
00:33:17Ted Bundy's kids?
00:33:18What?
00:33:20Just started
00:33:20covering all my holes
00:33:21I was like
00:33:21I don't like this.
00:33:22This is a bad
00:33:23bad vibe.
00:33:25So I was like
00:33:26alright, I'm gonna
00:33:27give this five more minutes
00:33:28so he starts telling me
00:33:29that he goes on boats
00:33:30a lot
00:33:30and I was like
00:33:31oh, you ever worry
00:33:32about shark attacks?
00:33:33And I swear to God
00:33:34he goes
00:33:35yeah, no
00:33:36you don't really have
00:33:36to worry about sharks
00:33:37so much
00:33:37but you do have
00:33:39to worry about dolphins
00:33:39because they are
00:33:40the rapists of the sea
00:33:41and I was like
00:33:41alright, come out of here
00:33:42bye
00:33:45enjoy the jet ski
00:33:49I'm sure you won
00:33:50you're a lunatic
00:33:51that was my first
00:33:54dating app experience
00:33:55fortunately
00:33:56it's been better
00:33:57since then
00:33:57I'm seeing a guy
00:33:58in his 40s now
00:34:00he has adult children
00:34:02okay
00:34:02he has lived more life
00:34:04than I have
00:34:04he knows more things
00:34:05and I told him
00:34:06that I was hesitant
00:34:07to hook up with him
00:34:08the first time
00:34:09because I was on my period
00:34:10and he goes
00:34:11I don't get why guys
00:34:12are ever grossed out
00:34:13by that
00:34:13you're just
00:34:14shedding your uterine lining
00:34:15I was like
00:34:24that is the hottest thing
00:34:27that anybody's ever said to me
00:34:30I didn't even know
00:34:32that's what happens
00:34:33during my period
00:34:33I was like
00:34:38okay
00:34:38Grey's Anatomy
00:34:40who are you?
00:34:42the bar has said
00:34:43real low
00:34:43after all
00:34:44rape blankets
00:34:45so
00:34:45just do a gentle
00:34:48hop over
00:34:49into my heart
00:34:50with your
00:34:51Snapple fun facts
00:34:52about periods
00:34:53I don't know
00:34:56any of those things
00:34:57somebody could come up
00:34:58to me on the street
00:34:58with a microphone
00:34:59and be like
00:35:00ma'am
00:35:00for a million dollars
00:35:02what happens
00:35:03during your period
00:35:04and I'd be like
00:35:05I'm gonna go with
00:35:07the egg
00:35:07is melting
00:35:09and I'd be like
00:35:17were you homeschooled?
00:35:20my parents were playing foosball
00:35:21I don't know
00:35:22they didn't teach me these things
00:35:24he's uh
00:35:27he's also the first guy
00:35:28I've ever been with
00:35:29who has had a vasectomy
00:35:30so
00:35:31I had some questions
00:35:32about that
00:35:33I was like
00:35:34when you finish
00:35:35is it clear?
00:35:40like that white
00:35:41Gatorade flavor?
00:35:49just have glacier frost on tap?
00:35:51what's going on?
00:35:56I was just trying to prepare myself
00:35:58I was like
00:35:58does it taste better
00:35:59when there aren't kids in it?
00:36:01it's like
00:36:11or maybe it's just air
00:36:12right?
00:36:13like
00:36:14one of those
00:36:15pressurized keyboard dusters
00:36:16that's like
00:36:16psst
00:36:17you're like
00:36:17oh
00:36:17it startles you
00:36:21you gotta point it away
00:36:24or you'll lose an eye
00:36:25and maybe fix a tire
00:36:27finally I just went
00:36:30Bill Nye on his ass
00:36:31I was like
00:36:32I am blowing you
00:36:33in the name of science
00:36:34this is field research
00:36:37at this point
00:36:38and uh
00:36:39turns out
00:36:40it's like
00:36:40normal
00:36:41I guess it's kind of like
00:36:44Beyond Burger
00:36:45like it looks the same
00:36:52and then once it's in your mouth
00:36:54you're like
00:36:54something's missing
00:36:55this is like
00:36:59diet cum
00:37:00it's another joke
00:37:06I wrote next to Wendell
00:37:07he uh
00:37:08yeah
00:37:17he got an eye full
00:37:18that flight
00:37:19he
00:37:19saw some things
00:37:21a lot of my friends
00:37:24are getting engaged
00:37:25and married right now
00:37:26and one of them
00:37:27just had an engagement party
00:37:28with her fiance
00:37:29and they played
00:37:29one of those games
00:37:30where they have signs
00:37:31that say
00:37:31him and her
00:37:32and they held them up
00:37:34when they got asked questions
00:37:34like
00:37:35who's the better cook
00:37:36hmm
00:37:37who takes longer
00:37:44to get ready
00:37:44meh
00:37:45we're all just like
00:37:49oh my god
00:37:50I'm like
00:37:53you guys are getting married
00:37:54let's get into some real shit
00:37:55like who has a drinking problem
00:37:57who's settling
00:38:03I'm like
00:38:11let me run this game
00:38:12huh
00:38:13we'll call it
00:38:14getting cold feet
00:38:15let's test drive this
00:38:18son of a gun
00:38:19so one of the things
00:38:23that I learned
00:38:23that was hard
00:38:24in going from
00:38:25being married
00:38:26and living with somebody
00:38:26for eight years
00:38:27into being single
00:38:28and living alone
00:38:29is that
00:38:29no one touches you
00:38:30anymore
00:38:31and I know it sounds weird
00:38:32to say it like that
00:38:33but if you live with somebody
00:38:34there's like a fair amount
00:38:35of touching that happens
00:38:36throughout the day
00:38:37so my lowest point
00:38:38in quarantine
00:38:39I started watching
00:38:40ASMR videos
00:38:41on YouTube
00:38:42where a girl
00:38:44would hold a hairbrush up
00:38:45to the camera lens
00:38:46and she would simulate
00:38:47that she was brushing
00:38:48your hair
00:38:49and I would just
00:38:55ram my forehead
00:38:56up against my laptop
00:38:57like
00:39:00uh
00:39:00pet me Rachel
00:39:01you dirty bitch
00:39:05as soon as businesses
00:39:10opened up
00:39:11I made all of the
00:39:11touching appointments
00:39:12I was like
00:39:13I'm getting a massage
00:39:14I'm getting a manicure
00:39:15look
00:39:15I made a dentist appointment
00:39:16just cause I'm
00:39:17misfeeling somebody
00:39:18in my mouth
00:39:18okay
00:39:19don't you judge me
00:39:21it was hard
00:39:21my dentist is this like
00:39:2365 year old Armenian man
00:39:25I was like
00:39:25floss it up daddy
00:39:26use your toys
00:39:31he was like
00:39:34I prefer you call them tools
00:39:36I was like
00:39:36Dimitri
00:39:36I need this
00:39:37hush your lips
00:39:40just tell me
00:39:42when to spit
00:39:43one of the appointments
00:39:53I had made
00:39:54was for a bikini wax
00:39:55and I had been
00:39:56going to salons
00:39:57before COVID
00:39:58to get bikini waxes
00:39:59I had tried
00:40:00doing some of those
00:40:00like
00:40:01at home kits
00:40:02and I just learned
00:40:03that there are
00:40:04some parts of my
00:40:04nethers that
00:40:05I do not have
00:40:06the strength
00:40:06of spirit
00:40:07to wax myself
00:40:10listen to me
00:40:11if you can wax
00:40:12your own lips
00:40:13you're a psychopath
00:40:14that is some
00:40:18Steve-O
00:40:19jackass
00:40:19level masochism
00:40:20I want
00:40:22no part of it
00:40:23so I've been
00:40:25going to the salons
00:40:26and then the salons
00:40:27closed for six months
00:40:28and things got scary
00:40:29there's so many
00:40:32beautiful women
00:40:32here tonight
00:40:33I feel like a lot
00:40:33of women started
00:40:342020 with like
00:40:35a landing strip
00:40:36and by July
00:40:37it was just
00:40:37a full airport
00:40:38you can land
00:40:44anywhere
00:40:44there's a Cinnabon
00:40:48and a Panda Express
00:40:48there's a shuttle
00:40:51that takes you
00:40:52to a rental car lot
00:40:53I mean
00:40:53employees
00:40:55W-9s
00:40:56it's a lot going on
00:40:57so finally
00:41:01the salons
00:41:02opened back up
00:41:03and I immediately
00:41:04made an appointment
00:41:04and I remembered
00:41:05there's that rule
00:41:06that the hair
00:41:07has to be at least
00:41:08a quarter inch long
00:41:09in order for the wax
00:41:10to be able to pick it up
00:41:10and
00:41:12do we need a medic
00:41:16are you okay
00:41:17are you
00:41:18too much for you
00:41:22she's like
00:41:22it's a 7.30 show
00:41:24I didn't know
00:41:25what this was
00:41:26I
00:41:28I don't like hockey
00:41:30and we had a Groupon
00:41:31but I
00:41:32she's
00:41:32she's like
00:41:43this is not
00:41:44the Christian way
00:41:45I'm sorry
00:41:51oh yeah
00:41:53so I remembered
00:41:54there's that rule
00:41:55that the hair
00:41:56has to be at least
00:41:56a quarter inch long
00:41:57in order for the wax
00:41:58to be able to pick it up
00:41:59and I looked down
00:42:00and was like
00:42:01well that's not
00:42:02going to be a problem
00:42:03but for the first time
00:42:09in my life
00:42:09I worried
00:42:10that maybe it's bad
00:42:12if the hair
00:42:13is longer than
00:42:14a quarter inch
00:42:16so
00:42:17I called
00:42:19the salon
00:42:19so embarrassing
00:42:25I was like
00:42:27hey
00:42:28I have an appointment
00:42:31today
00:42:32it's been a rough
00:42:33quarantine
00:42:33is there like a
00:42:36maximum
00:42:37hair
00:42:40requirement
00:42:43and this poor girl
00:42:46just goes
00:42:47I mean
00:42:48how long
00:42:49are we talking
00:42:50and I wasn't
00:43:03prepared to answer
00:43:04that
00:43:04so I panicked
00:43:07and was like
00:43:08we could probably
00:43:10donate it
00:43:11no
00:43:12I don't know
00:43:21if Locks of Love
00:43:22specifies which type
00:43:23of hair
00:43:23they accept
00:43:24but
00:43:24maybe somebody
00:43:26needs fake eyelashes
00:43:27I don't know
00:43:27we don't
00:43:28we don't know
00:43:31where that hair
00:43:31comes from
00:43:32I'll just
00:43:34throw them on
00:43:34and pray
00:43:35but
00:43:35could be pubes
00:43:37I don't know
00:43:37basically I feel like
00:43:41a lot of us
00:43:42were walking around
00:43:42kind of looking
00:43:43like the opposite
00:43:43of a porn star
00:43:44in 2020
00:43:45right
00:43:46which is totally fine
00:43:47my friend Jay
00:43:48actually told me
00:43:49that my celebrity
00:43:50lookalike
00:43:50is this porn star
00:43:51named Jessie Rogers
00:43:52so I googled her
00:43:54and the first picture
00:43:56that popped up
00:43:57was her doing
00:43:57hardcore anal
00:43:58and
00:44:01got a little creeped out
00:44:02realizing that
00:44:03my friend Jay
00:44:04saw that
00:44:05and thought
00:44:06you know
00:44:12who this
00:44:12reminds me of
00:44:13old
00:44:15gaping
00:44:16butthole
00:44:16Kelsey Rowe
00:44:17yeah
00:44:20old
00:44:22backdoor cook
00:44:23look at her go
00:44:24A plus
00:44:26what is the matter
00:44:27with you Jay
00:44:27but by the way
00:44:29it's so nice
00:44:30to be able to
00:44:30tell that joke
00:44:31in person again
00:44:32because I've had
00:44:33to tell it
00:44:33on mostly virtual shows
00:44:35the past two years
00:44:36and I realized
00:44:37that halfway
00:44:38through the joke
00:44:39everybody would just
00:44:40open a new browser
00:44:41it would just
00:44:50get really quiet
00:44:51and I'd be like
00:44:52hello
00:44:53everybody show me
00:44:55your hands
00:44:56I don't trust you
00:44:56what are you doing
00:44:57I had to check
00:45:02into a hotel
00:45:02on the road
00:45:03recently
00:45:04and it was early
00:45:04in the morning
00:45:05and the woman
00:45:05checking me out
00:45:06well she's a little
00:45:06older
00:45:06and she goes
00:45:08I just have to tell you
00:45:09you look so much
00:45:10like Amy Adams
00:45:11I don't know
00:45:12if you ever hear that
00:45:13but you really look
00:45:13like her
00:45:14and it took
00:45:14all of my strength
00:45:16to not pull my phone
00:45:17out and be like
00:45:17you know who
00:45:18everybody else
00:45:18says I look like
00:45:19I just
00:45:20really blast her
00:45:26with a b-hole
00:45:26at 8am
00:45:27I just
00:45:27I couldn't do it
00:45:30I do think that
00:45:36Jesse Rogers and I
00:45:37we do look alike
00:45:38we have some
00:45:39different hobbies
00:45:40I've never just sat
00:45:44on a lava lamp
00:45:45for example
00:45:52like my ex-husband
00:45:55and I
00:45:56we didn't even
00:45:56buy a sex toy
00:45:57until 7 years
00:45:58into their relationship
00:46:00we had just been
00:46:01Flintstone in that
00:46:02shit
00:46:02just very little
00:46:04house on the prairie
00:46:05just churning butter
00:46:06very innocent
00:46:07we ended up
00:46:09buying one of those
00:46:10vibrating wand things
00:46:11and I gotta be honest
00:46:12never liked it
00:46:14way too intense
00:46:15for me
00:46:15even on the lowest
00:46:16setting
00:46:16this thing is like
00:46:17for blasting rocks
00:46:19I was like
00:46:22is this what you
00:46:22women have been
00:46:23using this whole time
00:46:24I barely touched
00:46:25it to my body
00:46:26my feet
00:46:27lifted off the ground
00:46:28I took flight
00:46:32I was not turned on
00:46:35at all
00:46:35I was terrified
00:46:36I was like
00:46:37did I just puree
00:46:38my clit
00:46:39oh my god
00:46:40no no no no
00:46:42no no
00:46:42this thing is meant
00:46:47for industrial kitchens
00:46:48okay
00:46:49it's for liquefying
00:46:51raw vegetables
00:46:52it's crazy
00:46:53so I ended up
00:46:55asking some of my
00:46:55friends about it
00:46:56and it turns out
00:46:57that they have this toy
00:46:58and they use it
00:46:59on the highest setting
00:47:00in order to have
00:47:01an orgasm
00:47:02I was like
00:47:02how have you not
00:47:03completely erased
00:47:04your vagina
00:47:05just sanded it down
00:47:08to a smooth
00:47:09slab of granite
00:47:10like a barbie crotch
00:47:13and go bowling on it
00:47:15and something I've learned
00:47:18about you dudes
00:47:19is that a lot of you
00:47:20guys like stuff
00:47:21that vibrates too
00:47:22so one night
00:47:23before the divorce
00:47:24my ex and I
00:47:24were out drinking
00:47:25I'd had a few
00:47:26gin and hams
00:47:27as you do
00:47:33and when we got home
00:47:35I was just being
00:47:36a little extra spicy
00:47:37so I decided to
00:47:39crank it to 10
00:47:40just to see
00:47:42what would happen
00:47:42and the moment
00:47:44I touched it
00:47:45to his junk
00:47:45his balls
00:47:47went up inside
00:47:55his body
00:47:55I didn't even know
00:47:57they could do that
00:47:58I was just staring
00:48:02at him like
00:48:02do they stay up there
00:48:07until you sneeze
00:48:07really hard
00:48:08how do you get back
00:48:12have to do a hard
00:48:15man kegel
00:48:16I don't know
00:48:16a couple minutes
00:48:20went by
00:48:20didn't see anything
00:48:21I panicked
00:48:23I started pushing
00:48:24on his belly bone
00:48:25really hard
00:48:25like
00:48:25trying to eject
00:48:28quarters out of
00:48:29a skee-ball machine
00:48:29I was like
00:48:30come on
00:48:30get out of there
00:48:31another few minutes
00:48:35still nothing
00:48:36I was like
00:48:38oh I think
00:48:38those are ovaries
00:48:39now
00:48:39I'm sorry
00:48:40I think I gave you
00:48:44an accidental
00:48:45gender change
00:48:46oops
00:48:47so I'm in therapy
00:48:51anybody here in therapy
00:48:52oh wow
00:48:55that's a nice response
00:48:56usually it's just
00:48:57one person
00:48:57that's like
00:48:58help
00:48:58help
00:48:59let's talk to you
00:49:01yeah I think
00:49:03therapy is amazing
00:49:04but I guess
00:49:05not everybody
00:49:05always needs
00:49:06therapy
00:49:07some people do
00:49:08need therapy
00:49:09and you can usually
00:49:11tell who those people
00:49:12are because they say
00:49:13things like
00:49:13I don't need any
00:49:14fucking therapy
00:49:15I prefer to be a burden
00:49:19to my loved ones
00:49:20you're like
00:49:25sir this is an Arby's
00:49:26why are you shouting
00:49:27you're alarming
00:49:30the children
00:49:30I had to work on
00:49:33my self worth
00:49:35in therapy
00:49:35because I kept
00:49:36attracting some
00:49:36of the wrong people
00:49:37one of my friends
00:49:38told me this quote
00:49:39she said
00:49:39once you know
00:49:40your worth
00:49:40you'll stop
00:49:41giving people
00:49:42discounts
00:49:42and I was like
00:49:45well slap my tits
00:49:47and call me
00:49:47Groupon baby
00:49:48boy
00:49:53I've been out here
00:49:54like hey
00:49:54you got a
00:49:55personality disorder
00:49:56and no job
00:49:56this pussy's
00:49:5790% off
00:49:58hey
00:49:59no credit
00:50:01no problem
00:50:02get in here
00:50:03that makes it sound
00:50:06like my life
00:50:07has been a
00:50:07dick buffet
00:50:08it has not
00:50:09I have a very
00:50:10low body count
00:50:11I love that
00:50:12that's what we call it
00:50:13body count
00:50:14like we're all just
00:50:14fucking people to death
00:50:15sounds so system
00:50:20of a down
00:50:20for no reason
00:50:21you know
00:50:22I think I would have
00:50:26a higher body count
00:50:27if STDs didn't exist
00:50:28but I'm just so
00:50:29terrified to ever
00:50:30get one
00:50:31that I don't want
00:50:31to gamble
00:50:32like I just can't
00:50:33believe that in 2022
00:50:34our best defense
00:50:35against them
00:50:36is still just
00:50:36condoms
00:50:37and the honor system
00:50:39scouts honor bro
00:50:44I'm like you lied
00:50:46about your height
00:50:47I'm supposed to
00:50:47trust you on chlamydia
00:50:48no
00:50:49kick rocks
00:50:53get out of here
00:50:53I was reading online
00:50:57that some of the
00:50:59very first condoms
00:51:00back in the 1800s
00:51:01were really thick
00:51:02like they used to
00:51:03basically just cut up
00:51:04bike tires
00:51:04and they've obviously
00:51:08gotten thinner over time
00:51:09which I'm sure was
00:51:10a guy's idea
00:51:11you know
00:51:11I bet the women
00:51:13back then were pissed
00:51:13like but keep it girthy
00:51:15keep that deep dish
00:51:25condom on
00:51:25we don't have
00:51:29electricity
00:51:29this is the only
00:51:30joy I have
00:51:31I had a woman
00:51:36come to one of my
00:51:38shows recently
00:51:38who I think was
00:51:39from the 1800s
00:51:40she was very old
00:51:42and she came up
00:51:43to me afterward
00:51:44and she was like
00:51:45I was a makeup artist
00:51:47for 30 years
00:51:48and at this point
00:51:49I'm thinking
00:51:49oh I think she's about
00:51:50to compliment my makeup
00:51:51that's so nice
00:51:52and then she goes
00:51:54your face was so oily
00:51:57when you were on stage
00:51:58it was the only thing
00:52:02I could look at
00:52:03the lights were hitting it
00:52:06so bright
00:52:06that I had to squint
00:52:08to look at you
00:52:08and that's when
00:52:14I heard my brain say
00:52:15well
00:52:15tonight's the night
00:52:17we go to jail
00:52:17for throat punching
00:52:18someone's Nana
00:52:19you just hit a certain age
00:52:24where you walk around
00:52:25like fuck it
00:52:26burn it to the ground
00:52:27just traumatizing people
00:52:31I'm like who is
00:52:33this woman's poor husband
00:52:34you know
00:52:35we gotta save him
00:52:36I just picture
00:52:37I'm getting out of the shower
00:52:38and she's like
00:52:38your balls make me sick
00:52:41of course I didn't say
00:52:52any of that to her
00:52:53I was just like
00:52:53what powder do you recommend
00:52:55I have no backbone
00:53:00I've also become
00:53:03self-conscious
00:53:04of this very specific thing
00:53:05did you girls
00:53:06have that dress code
00:53:07in middle school
00:53:07where you had to wear shorts
00:53:08that were longer
00:53:09than the length of
00:53:09your fingertips
00:53:10to your sides
00:53:10to prevent girls
00:53:13from wearing booty shorts
00:53:14so that was the day
00:53:15I learned
00:53:16I have freakishly
00:53:17long arms
00:53:18for my short height
00:53:22I'm only 5'4
00:53:23all the girls
00:53:24had a lineup
00:53:25we put our arms down
00:53:26I don't know
00:53:26if you can see
00:53:27what's happening
00:53:27right now
00:53:29I'll show you
00:53:32on this side too
00:53:33but I did this
00:53:36and I looked down
00:53:37and I was like
00:53:37oh no
00:53:39I'm gonna have to wear
00:53:43men's Jinko jeans
00:53:44to not get expelled
00:53:47I'm just rolling
00:53:49into home ec
00:53:49with my chain wallet
00:53:50and lugs
00:53:51like
00:53:51let's bake these muffins
00:53:57Diane
00:53:58the third member
00:54:02of the insane clown
00:54:03posse
00:54:03I don't know much
00:54:06about the insane clown
00:54:07posse
00:54:07but it does make me laugh
00:54:08picturing those guys
00:54:09having to take their makeup
00:54:10off at the end of the night
00:54:11because they just
00:54:12they seem so tough
00:54:13on stage
00:54:13like
00:54:13I'm gonna stab this dude
00:54:14and bang your chick
00:54:15and then
00:54:16two hours later
00:54:17they're like
00:54:17these Neutrogena wipes
00:54:18are lovely
00:54:19don't burn my eyes
00:54:25so
00:54:28before I started
00:54:30headlining
00:54:30I used to open
00:54:31on tour
00:54:31for a comedian
00:54:32named Jim Norton
00:54:33anybody here
00:54:33a Jim Norton fan
00:54:34nice
00:54:36got some Jim heads
00:54:37in the house
00:54:38so
00:54:39Jim's favorite
00:54:40thing to do
00:54:40is to
00:54:41humiliate people
00:54:42and I made the mistake
00:54:44of telling him
00:54:44that I embarrass
00:54:45very easily
00:54:46for a comedian
00:54:47and he just milked that
00:54:49every day
00:54:49for three years on tour
00:54:50when we were in public
00:54:52he would constantly
00:54:53accuse me of shoplifting
00:54:55we would be checking out
00:55:02at a CVS pharmacy
00:55:03and just
00:55:04deadpan
00:55:05in front of the cashier
00:55:06he would turn to me
00:55:06and go
00:55:07are you not gonna pay
00:55:09for all the things
00:55:10in your purse
00:55:10and I would just
00:55:15start shivering
00:55:15like a shelter chihuahua
00:55:17like
00:55:17I would just end up
00:55:19paying for lipstick
00:55:19that I've owned
00:55:20for five years
00:55:21I was like
00:55:21just take my money
00:55:22I'm so sorry
00:55:22I hate this
00:55:23it was traumatizing
00:55:25by far
00:55:26the most embarrassing
00:55:27thing he would do
00:55:28he would do
00:55:28with his bodyguard
00:55:29we traveled with
00:55:30this seven foot tall
00:55:31guy named Kenny
00:55:32picture Frankenstein
00:55:34with less people skills
00:55:35just an oaf
00:55:39and I don't know
00:55:40if you women
00:55:41have ever ordered
00:55:41anything on
00:55:42victoriassecret.com
00:55:43but sometimes you get
00:55:44that free tote bag
00:55:45with purchase
00:55:45if you have even
00:55:47a shred of self-respect
00:55:49you immediately
00:55:50throw it in the garbage
00:55:51where it belongs
00:55:52I used it as my
00:55:54day-to-day purse
00:55:55for seven years
00:55:55I have no dignity
00:55:59it says
00:56:00Victoria's Secret
00:56:00in big letters
00:56:01on the sides
00:56:02like it's very obnoxious
00:56:03and I would travel
00:56:04with this
00:56:05so when we were on tour
00:56:06we'd have to get to the airport
00:56:07at five in the morning
00:56:08and you guys know
00:56:09how you look at the airport
00:56:10at five a.m.
00:56:11right
00:56:11just greasy
00:56:12disheveled
00:56:13gross
00:56:13so I'd look like that
00:56:15and I'd have this bag
00:56:16and everybody's just quietly
00:56:17shuffling about the airport
00:56:19and all of a sudden
00:56:20his bodyguard
00:56:21would shout
00:56:23Victoria's Secret model
00:56:25coming through
00:56:27and everybody
00:56:42and I mean
00:56:43everybody
00:56:44would stop
00:56:45and look at me
00:56:47wide-eyed
00:56:48and then go
00:56:49do you know
00:56:58do you know
00:56:58how quickly
00:56:58your self-esteem
00:56:59goes in the toilet
00:57:00when you can watch
00:57:02a hundred people
00:57:03decide in
00:57:03half a second
00:57:04no she's not
00:57:06you're like
00:57:06all right
00:57:07just gonna go
00:57:10walk into traffic
00:57:11now
00:57:11thanks
00:57:12so I'm from
00:57:16Washington State
00:57:17originally
00:57:18and they just
00:57:19passed this new
00:57:20legislation
00:57:20that is banning
00:57:21schools
00:57:21from continuing
00:57:22to use
00:57:23Native American
00:57:23mascots
00:57:24which is great
00:57:25and the high school
00:57:26I went to
00:57:26our mascot
00:57:27was the Blackhawks
00:57:28and it takes
00:57:29a linguistic specialist
00:57:31to tell the difference
00:57:32between somebody
00:57:33saying
00:57:33Blackhawks
00:57:34and Black
00:57:41and let me tell you
00:57:44it was pretty wild
00:57:45growing up
00:57:46going to football games
00:57:47and watching
00:57:48a dozen cheerleaders
00:57:49shout
00:57:50to a stand
00:57:51of parents
00:57:52we love Blackhawks
00:57:54yes we do
00:57:54we love Blackhawks
00:57:55how about you
00:57:56and then watching
00:58:04everybody on the
00:58:05other team
00:58:05be like
00:58:06what the fuck
00:58:07it's like
00:58:12the mating call
00:58:13of the Kardashians
00:58:14so I had my
00:58:22bachelorette party
00:58:23down in Vegas
00:58:24and we went
00:58:25to the Magic Mike
00:58:26live show
00:58:26has anybody here
00:58:27been to the Magic Mike
00:58:28live show
00:58:28oh we got a few
00:58:29oh are you still wet
00:58:31hey
00:58:31girl
00:58:34it is crazy
00:58:35what happens
00:58:36at this show
00:58:36they brought it back
00:58:37during COVID
00:58:38which surprised me
00:58:39because if we are
00:58:40concerned about droplets
00:58:41women are gushing fluid
00:58:43at this show
00:58:44medically
00:58:45it's a problem
00:58:47okay
00:58:47it changes the humidity
00:58:49in the room
00:58:50women with straight hair
00:58:52leave with curly hair
00:58:53it's like a rainforest
00:58:56cafe in there
00:58:57that air is thick
00:59:00three C's
00:59:02but now that
00:59:05the show's back
00:59:05you gotta go
00:59:06oh it is the
00:59:07cream of the cock
00:59:08just
00:59:08chef's kiss
00:59:12for two hours
00:59:14these oiled up
00:59:14six packs
00:59:15just grind the stage
00:59:16they sing to you
00:59:18they liquid cream
00:59:19off your body
00:59:19and then
00:59:20they bring some
00:59:21women on stage
00:59:22and then
00:59:23they take your top off
00:59:24and then they take
00:59:25your pants off
00:59:26and then they
00:59:27fuck you
00:59:27no I'm kidding
00:59:28I just want to see
00:59:34how far you guys
00:59:34would go with me
00:59:35on that part
00:59:35did you hear
00:59:37how quiet
00:59:38it got in here
00:59:39could you feel
00:59:41every woman
00:59:42just slowly
00:59:42leaning further
00:59:43forward
00:59:44in her seat
00:59:44like
00:59:45pulling out her phone
00:59:47checking flights
00:59:47to Vegas
00:59:48taxi
00:59:50were you like
00:59:53was I in the bathroom
00:59:54when that happened
00:59:55how did I miss that
00:59:57no they don't do that
00:59:59that'd be pretty dope
01:00:00probably charge a lot more
01:00:04for tickets
01:00:04but you do get a lot
01:00:06for your money
01:00:07at the end of the show
01:00:08they do bring some women
01:00:08on stage
01:00:09and then they put you
01:00:10in harnesses
01:00:11and they put one of the
01:00:12guys beneath you
01:00:13and you get to like
01:00:14ride the men
01:00:15into the sky
01:00:16like Free Willy
01:00:18they get you
01:00:24hornier than you've
01:00:24ever been in your
01:00:25entire life
01:00:26and then they just
01:00:27set you loose
01:00:29back into the wild
01:00:35single dudes
01:00:37if you were ever
01:00:38trying to fuck
01:00:39in Vegas
01:00:40just go stand
01:00:41outside the
01:00:42Magic Mike exit
01:00:43like a catcher
01:00:46we're running out
01:00:48of there
01:00:49holes open
01:00:49like a starfish
01:00:50ready to go
01:00:51that's something
01:00:54TripAdvisor doesn't
01:00:55tell you
01:00:55and that's what
01:00:55I'm here for
01:00:56I'm like your
01:00:59creepy uncle
01:01:00just helping you
01:01:01get laid
01:01:02I would like to
01:01:04go back to the show
01:01:05but not for anything
01:01:06wedding related
01:01:07because there's
01:01:07usually two types
01:01:08of women that go
01:01:08the host comes out
01:01:09and he goes
01:01:10alright ladies
01:01:11make some noise
01:01:12if you're here
01:01:12for a bachelorette
01:01:13party
01:01:14there's a bunch
01:01:15of young
01:01:1520 something girls
01:01:16that are like
01:01:16oh my god
01:01:18penises
01:01:19and then the host
01:01:24goes
01:01:25alright
01:01:25now who here's
01:01:27celebrating a
01:01:28divorce
01:01:29and it's just
01:01:33one table
01:01:34of women
01:01:35in their 40s
01:01:36like
01:01:36give me your
01:01:36dick
01:01:37like
01:01:37oh my god
01:01:38thank you guys
01:01:44so much
01:01:45for coming out
01:01:46tonight
01:01:46Denver
01:01:47you've been amazing
01:01:49thank you so much
01:01:51welcome back to
01:02:02pop my cherry
01:02:02tell me what
01:02:03what are the rules
01:02:04well
01:02:05basically
01:02:06shoot for the goal
01:02:07throw in the middle
01:02:07and spin
01:02:08and you try to
01:02:09just spin it
01:02:10like as fast as you can
01:02:11yeah pretty much
01:02:11am I going
01:02:12oh I'm going that way
01:02:14you're going this way
01:02:15do you guys want to
01:02:15like make a bet
01:02:16or something
01:02:16like try and make it
01:02:17more like high stakes
01:02:18I'll buy you a drink
01:02:19if you win
01:02:19sure yeah
01:02:20that's fair
01:02:20damn
01:02:22she definitely knows
01:02:24what she's doing
01:02:25she's a pro
01:02:25I hate you
01:02:26yeah
01:02:26one
01:02:27two
01:02:27three
01:02:27go
01:02:28one
01:02:31two
01:02:31three
01:02:32go
01:02:32again
01:02:34come on
01:02:38I'm not allowed
01:02:38to cuss you out
01:02:39cuss me out
01:02:40you said you're not
01:02:41allowed to
01:02:41there's no ref here
01:02:42fuck you
01:02:43thank you very much
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