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Iliza Shlesinger: Wr Paint (2013) is a stand-up comedy special featuring the talented comedian Iliza Shlesinger as she delivers sharp observations and witty humor about everyday life. Through clever storytelling and energetic performances, she explores relationships, daily challenges, and social situations in an entertaining and relatable way.
With engaging humor and character-driven comedy, Iliza Shlesinger: Wr Paint (2013) emphasizes creativity, clever insights, and laughter. Its family-friendly approach makes it suitable for viewers who enjoy comedy without adult-only content.
Perfect for fans of stand-up comedy, witty storytelling, and engaging performances, this special delivers laughs, fun observations, and memorable comedic moments.
With engaging humor and character-driven comedy, Iliza Shlesinger: Wr Paint (2013) emphasizes creativity, clever insights, and laughter. Its family-friendly approach makes it suitable for viewers who enjoy comedy without adult-only content.
Perfect for fans of stand-up comedy, witty storytelling, and engaging performances, this special delivers laughs, fun observations, and memorable comedic moments.
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FunTranscript
00:00:00Ladies and gentlemen, Eliza Schlesinger!
00:00:23Hi!
00:00:25Dallas, Texas!
00:00:27Thank you!
00:00:42How are you guys doing? Thank you for coming out, y'all. Fantastic.
00:00:46I am so excited and honored to be shooting my hour special in my hometown of Dallas, Texas. Yes, ma'am.
00:00:53I am so excited to be here. Not thrilled with getting here. I have to be honest, I fly enough that I feel I have the right to say this. If you work for an airline, I hate you.
00:01:08Okay? I hate you. And I don't want to hear, no, my cousin Sheila's a real sweetheart. She works for Southwest. Fuck your cousin Sheila.
00:01:18All right? Your cousin Sheila's a goddamn bitch, and I'll tell you something else. The only reason people work for airlines is because the Nazi party is no longer hiring.
00:01:28I don't have an issue. Thank you. I don't have an issue with flying. My issue is with the boarding of the plane.
00:01:38Has anyone else here ever had the misfortune of being stuck in boarding zone four?
00:01:43Like, that's when you have a seat. You have a ticket because you're holding it, but you're so low on the food chain, it pretty much goes like first class, luggage, terrorists, maybe you.
00:01:52And they take such painstaking care to board zones one through three. And if you don't fly that airline often enough, you are SOL in terms of getting on that plane.
00:02:02Because they are boarding groups of people that you didn't even know you could apply to be part of.
00:02:08We're going to start boarding flight 556 to Dallas-Fort Worth. We're going to start boarding zone one. These are our first class passengers, our first members, our gold members, our golden shower members.
00:02:16Our golden eagle members, our eagle face members. If you have an eagle face instead of a person face because you've lost your face in some sort of horrible holiday turkey deep fry accident and you didn't have enough butt fat to get a nose grafted onto your face, so you had to borrow one from an eagle.
00:02:34So now you have a beak and you like to eat mice. You can get on the plane. Boarding zone two. These are our silver members, our silver star members, our silver surfer members.
00:02:41Anybody likes comic books, you're a fucking nerd. You can sit in the back of the plane. Silver hair, if you're old, hurry the fuck up.
00:02:45Silver spoons, if you like Ricky Schroeder. 80s TV shows, you were born really well, then you can get on the plane. Silver bullet summer.
00:02:49No, ma'am, you cannot bring your cores light up in this bitch. Boarding zone three.
00:02:54These are our...
00:02:59These are our copper members, our copper star members, our copper topper members. Anybody using a Duracell operated device.
00:03:04I don't give a shit if it's a pacemaker. You turn that off or take off. Copperhead.
00:03:07If you have a copperhead snake as a pet instead of a normal goddamn pet like a dog or a cat, you're like, fuck it, I'm going to get me a snake.
00:03:12Yeah, fuck you, dad. I'm not going to law school. I'm going to go to art school online and learn how to draw dragons and manage a hot topic in my spare time.
00:03:19I love my snake. I'm bringing her to Thanksgiving. Her name is Judy, wearing snake gloves. I love her so much. Don't touch me, mom.
00:03:24You can get on the plane and boarding zone four, you can go fuck yourself.
00:03:36Now boarding all zones.
00:03:40I spend a lot of time traveling, spend a lot of time in hotels, and as a result of it, I watch a lot of TV.
00:03:46I think the saddest commercial out there has to be the SPCA Sarah McLachlan ad.
00:03:53Seen it? With the fucked up animals?
00:03:57Can I tell you a secret about this commercial?
00:04:00It knows when you're alone.
00:04:05Do you ever notice it only comes on when you're by yourself, maybe you're drunk, you're vulnerable, right?
00:04:10And what's crazy is at first, yes, you are sad for the animals.
00:04:15But the longer you watch it, the longer your sadness kind of begins to turn on you,
00:04:20and by the end of it, somehow you just feel really bad for yourself.
00:04:25You're sitting there like, oh my God, that cat doesn't have a face. I don't know.
00:04:30I feel so bad for him, and I feel so bad for his cat family, and I feel so bad for me.
00:04:42What am I gonna do? What should I do? I should, I should, I should get a cat.
00:04:47So you get a cat.
00:04:49But because he's from the SPCA, like, let's be honest, he's all like fucked up and autistic.
00:04:54Just shits everywhere. Like, oh my God, what did you eat?
00:04:58Goes through your stuff, he only eats the buttons off your good sweaters.
00:05:03You're like, how did you know to go for the good sweaters?
00:05:05Why didn't you go for the crappy sweaters? Why do you have such exquisite taste?
00:05:10Gotta get rid of him, because he's ruining everything.
00:05:12But what do you do? You can't kill him, because, because that's fucking insane, I guess.
00:05:18But you gotta get rid of him, so what do you do? I'm gonna tell you.
00:05:20You put Kitty in the car, you drive him to a neighborhood he doesn't know.
00:05:24You let him out of the car.
00:05:29Don't worry, the SPCA will find that cat.
00:05:34I don't know if you've noticed, they're in the business of second-hand cattery.
00:05:40They find the cat, they clean him off, they update his resume.
00:05:47He gets a job managing like a Chipotle, he's fine, alright?
00:05:52So in honor of that commercial, I have a treat for you guys.
00:05:55This is my cat.
00:06:05This is my dog Blanche, and I adopted her, and sometimes when you adopt an animal, you don't know their backstory.
00:06:12So for Blanche, I made one up.
00:06:13In my house, we pretend that Blanche used to be a dog prostitute.
00:06:18Which makes sense, because as you can tell, she's a little sad behind the eyes.
00:06:21This is my dog Blanche, and I adopted her.
00:06:22And sometimes when you adopt an animal, you don't know their backstory.
00:06:24So for Blanche, I made one up.
00:06:28In my house, we pretend that Blanche used to be a dog prostitute.
00:06:33Which makes sense, because as you can tell, she's a little sad behind the eyes.
00:06:49But she clearly has no problem with you staring at her dog vagina.
00:06:52Make it rain.
00:07:04Shake it for the money.
00:07:07So in honor of that commercial, she and I are now going to do our rendition of it for you.
00:07:11Here we go.
00:07:12In the arms of the angel, far away from here.
00:07:30In this dark of town, in the air that I've heard about,
00:07:41You were poor.
00:07:45You were poor.
00:07:48That's it. That's it for Blanche.
00:07:57Let's get serious. My dog is so cute, I want to hurt her.
00:08:00Do you ever get that way?
00:08:02When something is so cute, it makes you angry.
00:08:04I just want to rip its nose.
00:08:06You ever get that way? When something is so cute, you don't know if you can trust yourself around it?
00:08:09I used to get that way with my nana. She's like this tall.
00:08:11And you ever hug your grandparent and push you down the stairs?
00:08:14You ever feel that way?
00:08:16You ever feel that way?
00:08:17You ever feel that way?
00:08:18What if I just...
00:08:20Hypothetically.
00:08:22Sometimes I get that way around garbage disposals.
00:08:24You ever just put your hand in just to feel the fear?
00:08:26You reach the other hand over, you don't touch the switch, but you hover around it.
00:08:34You're like, what if I just...
00:08:36No!
00:08:38I don't do that either. It was just a joke.
00:08:43Sometimes you get that way with cute things like babies.
00:08:45Sometimes babies are so cute.
00:08:46Sometimes babies are not so cute, but sometimes babies are so cute.
00:08:49You know, fat little baby cheek, you just want to rip your cheek off.
00:08:58But you can't, because you won't be allowed around the baby anymore.
00:09:01That's for goddamn sure.
00:09:03There's another version of that commercial.
00:09:05What happened was, they aired that commercial.
00:09:07And it was such a hit.
00:09:09So many people were adopting pets.
00:09:10So many people were donating money.
00:09:12So many people were going on antidepressants.
00:09:17And they were like, let's do another one.
00:09:18So they tried to recreate the magic of that one.
00:09:20So in this commercial, they play another Sarah McLachlan song, okay?
00:09:24I don't know the song, but it's some lesbian chant.
00:09:28That's happening.
00:09:30And they zoom in on these pictures of these jacked up animals.
00:09:35And at the bottom of the screen, they put a caption of what the animal is thinking.
00:09:42Now where they got that information, I don't know.
00:09:46They show a dog and he's all no teeth.
00:09:48He's just awful.
00:09:52Where's my family?
00:09:54I don't know.
00:09:58They show another dog and he's all muddy and gnarly.
00:10:00He's just.
00:10:01I hope they come back for me.
00:10:07Dad, you said you was going for cigarettes.
00:10:09Why?
00:10:12It's me, spot.
00:10:14And then they showed a cat.
00:10:16And this cat was like 45 pounds.
00:10:19It had one eye.
00:10:20And it turned, do you know him?
00:10:22And it turned around.
00:10:24He turned around in slow motion and it wasn't a camera trick.
00:10:27He's a 45 pound cat.
00:10:29I guess he doesn't have like a meeting to rush to.
00:10:31So he's not.
00:10:32I'm sorry for whatever I did wrong.
00:10:38No, that's where I stopped buying that commercial.
00:10:42There's no way a cat has remorse.
00:10:43You ever met a cat?
00:10:44There's no way he's apologetic.
00:10:45Whatever that cat did to land him in cat jail.
00:10:46He's not sorry he did it.
00:10:47He's sorry he got caught.
00:10:48There's a difference.
00:10:49That cat's as hard as they come.
00:10:50He doesn't give a shit.
00:10:51He's sitting there in this little cat cell.
00:10:52He's like, oh, I'm sorry.
00:10:53I'm sorry.
00:10:54I'm sorry for whatever I did wrong.
00:10:55I'm sorry for whatever I did wrong.
00:10:56No, that's where I stopped buying that commercial.
00:10:57There's no way a cat has remorse.
00:10:59You ever met a cat?
00:11:01There's no way he's apologetic.
00:11:02Whatever that cat did to land him in cat jail,
00:11:04he's not sorry he did it.
00:11:05He's sorry he got caught.
00:11:07There's a difference.
00:11:16That cat's as hard as they come.
00:11:17He doesn't give a shit.
00:11:18There's a little cat cell.
00:11:19He's got Meow Mix for Life tattooed on his whole belly.
00:11:22He's got a little rat that he's made his bitch
00:11:24that's carving a shiv out of cheese in the corner.
00:11:27He's got one sharpened cat claw.
00:11:28He's just running it against the bar.
00:11:29He's like, brrr.
00:11:30Brrr.
00:11:31Brrr.
00:11:32Oh, yeah, he's got one eye.
00:11:33I forgot.
00:11:34Brrr.
00:11:35Brrr.
00:11:36Brrr.
00:11:37He's like, who me?
00:11:38I don't give a fuck.
00:11:39I don't.
00:11:40Yeah.
00:11:41You think I care?
00:11:42Oh, hell yeah.
00:11:43I scratched up your curtains and I'd do it again.
00:11:45Fuck you.
00:11:46Brrr.
00:11:47Brrr.
00:11:48This is a cat paw.
00:11:49Brrr.
00:11:58That commercial is sad.
00:11:59Commercial that makes me feel the worst about myself, I would have to say would be the P90X commercials.
00:12:04That commercial always comes on when I'm eating.
00:12:11Which is the worst time for any fitness commercial that comes on.
00:12:14Because it knows when you're sitting there being a little fatty, eating graham crackers with your shirt off, watching Law & Order SVU.
00:12:19It knows.
00:12:20And it comes on and it gets you just sitting there like, I'll never find love.
00:12:25I don't know.
00:12:26I don't know.
00:12:27Do you want to get in shape?
00:12:29You're like.
00:12:36By the way, it's not asking you if you want to get in regular person shape.
00:12:40It's not talking to normal people.
00:12:42It's talking to, like, Navy SEALs.
00:12:43It's talking to crazy people.
00:12:45It's not asking you if you want to look mediocre when you go to the pool this summer.
00:12:48Uh-uh.
00:12:49It's just for crazy people.
00:12:50It's saying, hey, faggot.
00:12:51Do you want to get in such fucking good shape so fucking quickly that your arms and your chest and your back get too big to fit through normal doorways?
00:12:59So every time you come through you smash into the plaster and you're costing your mother thousands of dollars in drywall damage?
00:13:04Is that what you want?
00:13:05Do you want your friends and family to fear you because you drink horse testosterone and creatine shakes and they make you sleep outside?
00:13:11Is that what you fucking want?
00:13:13Do you want to get so huge so quickly so unnaturally that all your clothes shrink on you and they fit like baby clothes?
00:13:19Because you're like the Hulk mid-transformation and you can't afford to buy new clothes because you spent all your money on these fucking P90X DVDs?
00:13:33My question is why?
00:13:34Why would the average guy want to get that jacked that fast?
00:13:39Why?
00:13:40So you can, what, be the strongest manager at the Verizon store?
00:13:44What are you doing with that muscle?
00:13:48You work in sales.
00:13:49You're not guarding Sparta.
00:13:50It's fine.
00:13:51This is smartphone.
00:13:54I think P90X has a subliminal message that a lot of us are missing because I don't think they're talking to regular people.
00:14:04I think the commercial needs to be honest and come clean and say what their product is really meant for.
00:14:09The commercial should sound like this.
00:14:11Hey, P90X got here.
00:14:13What's up?
00:14:14So, did you like recently commit a crime and you've been sentenced to prison and you have to report there in 90 days?
00:14:23So, you figure in the interim, you'll just get as huge as possible for fear of the safety of your butthole.
00:14:37P90X.
00:14:38It's a prison workout.
00:14:45They're like, you can do it from the comfort of your own living room.
00:14:48That's because your living room and a jail cell are roughly the same square footage.
00:14:51Do the math.
00:14:52Think about it.
00:14:53No equipment.
00:14:54No excuses.
00:14:55No shit.
00:14:56There's no equipment.
00:14:57You'll get raped with equipment in prison.
00:14:58You can't have it there.
00:14:59We here at P90X want you to get creative with your workout.
00:15:03Fuck your antiques, bro.
00:15:04Your girlfriend's gonna break up with you and go to jail anyway.
00:15:06May as well use shit around your house.
00:15:08Take your dining room table.
00:15:09Cut off the back legs.
00:15:10Put it at an angle.
00:15:11Now you have a bench for incline presses.
00:15:13P90X.
00:15:14Go ahead.
00:15:15Grab your old Kenwood speakers.
00:15:16That's right.
00:15:17Take them off the front lawn.
00:15:18Use those for weight.
00:15:19You can take water bottles, dump that shit out, fill them up with sand.
00:15:22Use those for bicep curls because you're too cheap to buy a shake weight.
00:15:24You're gonna get enough of this in prison.
00:15:26P90X.
00:15:27The problem with P90X is that it works.
00:15:37Like, yes, it will change your body, but only from the neck down.
00:15:46They don't tell you in the commercial.
00:15:48Your face stays exactly the same as it was.
00:15:53Do you want to have the body of a 20-year-old Adonis, but go ahead and keep the face of a balding middle-aged accountant.
00:16:01P90X disappoints your wife from the chin-up on a nightly basis.
00:16:06These guys have P90X.
00:16:08You want to look hot, just get in shape.
00:16:10I think women in our country have too many options for weight loss to the point of paralysis.
00:16:15There's so many options.
00:16:16You go on TV, the internet, women's magazines.
00:16:18There's so many.
00:16:19You can't even make a choice.
00:16:21I was reading a women's magazine the other day because I wanted to punish myself.
00:16:24I just feel awful.
00:16:26And they had all these diet tips.
00:16:28Diet tips for ladies.
00:16:30I saw this one in Cosmo.
00:16:32They suggested that women, if you're on a diet, next time you're on a diet and you're hungry, don't ruin the day.
00:16:37Because your whole day is ruined if you eat a donut, by the way.
00:16:39You have to kill yourself immediately.
00:16:41Don't ruin the day by grabbing a fried snack.
00:16:44Instead, just grab a handful of almonds.
00:16:46Just go out, just go and grab a handful of almonds.
00:16:49You ever do this?
00:16:50When you're hungry, get a handful of almonds.
00:16:52You don't do that?
00:16:53You don't go up to the nearest tree and just giraffe yourself?
00:16:55You're like...
00:16:56Cindy, I'll be right there.
00:17:02A handful of almonds.
00:17:05Cosmo says get a handful of almonds.
00:17:07Go ahead, get a handful of almonds.
00:17:08Make it a handful...
00:17:09Why don't you go fuck yourself with a handful of almonds, Cosmo?
00:17:11See how full you get off that.
00:17:13I'm a grown woman, not a sugar squirrel.
00:17:15Almonds.
00:17:16Juicing, that's a big thing.
00:17:19Why don't you just juice it?
00:17:20Do you wanna just juice?
00:17:21We should do juices and smoothies.
00:17:23You wanna make a smoothie?
00:17:25You pronounce smoothie like this?
00:17:27Cos you only need this much in your mouth open to drink it.
00:17:29Smoothie.
00:17:34They want women to do this.
00:17:35Take all your food, juice it down.
00:17:37Go get your carrots, get your kale.
00:17:38Don't forget the kale.
00:17:39Get your kale.
00:17:40Get the apples, put it in the juicer.
00:17:42Go ahead and juice the apple in the cellar.
00:17:44Put your hand in the juicer.
00:17:45Juice your hand down.
00:17:46Juice your hand right down to the nub.
00:17:47Make sure you juice all of it.
00:17:48You'll lose two ounces.
00:17:49Drink your hand.
00:17:50There's lots of nutrients in your hand.
00:17:52Cosmo never said to juice your hand.
00:17:53I'm just gonna put that out there.
00:17:55Make a smoothie.
00:17:56Do you have time in the morning to make a smoothie?
00:17:57You have time for this?
00:17:58No?
00:17:59Shocking.
00:18:01You don't have time in the morning
00:18:02to go out to your own personal botanical garden,
00:18:05cut down a brontosaurus brunch worth of broccoli and asparagus,
00:18:08juice it down to an ounce so you can shit green for a week?
00:18:11You don't have time?
00:18:14I love being a stand-up comedian.
00:18:18It's probably the best job ever.
00:18:21If I could have any job, I would be a cat,
00:18:24but that is not something I'm supposed to talk about in public.
00:18:30If I could have any job besides this,
00:18:32I know this sounds weird, but I would be a pharmacist
00:18:35because I would be, like, I would add something cool to it.
00:18:40I would be like a different kind of pharmacist, okay?
00:18:42So I would do it differently, okay?
00:18:43So, so I would look like a pharmacist.
00:18:45I would wear the white coat because without the white coat,
00:18:48you're just a drug dealer.
00:18:50I would wear the white coat.
00:18:53But under it, I would go to, like, a renaissance fair.
00:18:55We have renaissance fairs here?
00:18:56Yes!
00:18:57Of course we do.
00:18:58Every state's got white trash.
00:18:59Of course we do.
00:19:00So I'd go to renaissance fair,
00:19:01and I would go to, like, the witch doctor's tent,
00:19:05and I would get one of those, like,
00:19:07medieval witch woman belts that has, like, some leather
00:19:10and it's got bells and raccoon pelts
00:19:12and a jug for your ale, whatever,
00:19:15and it has, like, a jar of pigeon whispers.
00:19:17I'd have all these things,
00:19:18all the accoutrement of a creepy witch on my belt,
00:19:21and I'd put it under the coat so that when I walked,
00:19:23the coat would flare open
00:19:24and you'd get glimpses of my medieval trickery under it,
00:19:27just .
00:19:29And you'd be in line at the pharmacy,
00:19:31and you'd be like, what's up with that one pharmacist?
00:19:33Is she into the dark arts?
00:19:34Is she a sorceress?
00:19:35Magic with a K?
00:19:36Does she play Skyrim alone?
00:19:37What is that?
00:19:41And I wouldn't come up to the counter.
00:19:42Instead, instead of a bell that you'd ring,
00:19:44I would get, I would get a raven.
00:19:46I would stuff a raven.
00:19:49And I would give it a beard.
00:19:50I'd glue on the beard.
00:19:51I would spend my time gluing the beard on,
00:19:53and I would sit on the perch.
00:19:54So when you came up to the counter,
00:19:56you'd have to pull the beard,
00:19:57and then the raven would go .
00:20:01That's my cue to appear.
00:20:03And then I'd .
00:20:05Yes?
00:20:08Secretly, I was waiting under the counter to hear the raven,
00:20:10and then .
00:20:11Yes?
00:20:12I was right there.
00:20:13There's no magic.
00:20:14I'd be right there.
00:20:15Yes, my child.
00:20:17I'd call you my child.
00:20:18Because that's what creepy people do.
00:20:20Yes.
00:20:22And you'd hand me your prescription,
00:20:24and I'd say, okay.
00:20:27And I'd have a hump.
00:20:28Oh, yeah, I'd have a hump.
00:20:31You've got to have a hump.
00:20:32If you're going to be making medicine,
00:20:33you've got to have a hump.
00:20:34Because the hump says that you're serious.
00:20:37A hump is your calling card.
00:20:38A hump says, I'm not out partying.
00:20:40I'm not out getting drunk.
00:20:42I'm downstairs in the basement studying alchemy,
00:20:45and witchery,
00:20:47and I'm learning how to turn newt thoughts into rat eyeballs.
00:20:50I'm doing things like that.
00:20:51I'm learning the proper use for an Erlenmeyer flask.
00:20:53I'm down there doing these things, okay?
00:20:55So I have the hump, and then,
00:20:57and I'd say, take your prescription in one moment.
00:21:00And then .
00:21:03I have a limp, too.
00:21:07Because the limp comes with the hump.
00:21:09Standard.
00:21:12And then I would set to work making your medicine.
00:21:15So I'd be back here,
00:21:16and I would have my back to you,
00:21:17and I'd have all these sound effects on, like, a keyboard ready.
00:21:20So you'd be standing there, and you'd hear, like,
00:21:22and at one moment.
00:21:27And I would also have a closed circuit TV right here,
00:21:34so I could watch everything in the pharmacy, okay?
00:21:37So you would go to, like, touch something,
00:21:39and I would see you on the TV,
00:21:40and I would just say this.
00:21:41I wouldn't touch that if I were you.
00:21:47I'm just watching you, and I have it.
00:21:48And, like, an hour later,
00:21:49I'd emerge with your medicine in the orange bottle.
00:21:54Like, I didn't make your shit.
00:21:55I had it ready to go.
00:21:56I was just wasting your time.
00:21:59Because a hump suggests that I'm making it,
00:22:01so I want you to follow that fantasy.
00:22:03I didn't...
00:22:04I don't know how to make medicine out of herbs.
00:22:05I'm not Chinese.
00:22:06I have it.
00:22:10And I'd come up to the counter,
00:22:11and I'd say, and I'd set it down,
00:22:13and I'd say,
00:22:14would you like a consultation?
00:22:19And you'd say, sure.
00:22:20And I'd say, okay.
00:22:21And I'd hold up your pill to the light.
00:22:23I shouldn't touch your medicine,
00:22:24but I'm going to.
00:22:25I'd hold it up.
00:22:26And I'd say,
00:22:27take one!
00:22:28One!
00:22:29One!
00:22:30And I'd have all the other pharmacists
00:22:31flip the lights on and off
00:22:32to make it...
00:22:33And they'd put lighters up to the sprinklers,
00:22:35and we'd get one of the fog machines
00:22:36left over from our Halloween sale,
00:22:38and pfff!
00:22:39And it would fill the room,
00:22:40and we'd have people wafting it with car mats
00:22:42just to make it go in some sort of circle.
00:22:44Take one!
00:22:45Take one!
00:22:46On the seventh solstice!
00:22:47Of the third vernal equinox!
00:22:50It's two different times a year,
00:22:52but it's just a bit.
00:22:53Take one!
00:22:54In the presence...
00:22:56Presence of a righteous man
00:22:58with the blood of a virgin,
00:23:00also with crackers,
00:23:01so you don't upset your tummy.
00:23:05I'd give it to you,
00:23:06and as you were going to leave,
00:23:07you didn't even say anything.
00:23:08I'd say, wait!
00:23:09I'd grab you.
00:23:12Grab you with a grabbing hand.
00:23:14What's a grabbing hand?
00:23:15I'm going to tell you.
00:23:16You can't...
00:23:17If you're going to grab someone
00:23:18and you want to instill fear in their heart,
00:23:19you can't grab with a well-manicured hand
00:23:21with like a pretty ring.
00:23:22No one's going to be afraid.
00:23:23If I grab you with this hand,
00:23:24you'd be like, what?
00:23:25That sounds awesome.
00:23:26It's got to be creepy, okay?
00:23:27If someone grabs you out of a grave,
00:23:28what does it look like?
00:23:29It's sinewy,
00:23:30it's got dirty nails,
00:23:31it's all thriller-looking,
00:23:32just...
00:23:33I'm going to grab him.
00:23:34How do you make a grabbing hand?
00:23:36I'm going to tell you.
00:23:37You put your hand outside your car
00:23:38for two hours a day
00:23:39so it tans quicker than the rest of you.
00:23:43You take special liver pills
00:23:45that prevent your liver
00:23:46from functioning on this side
00:23:47so you start to get liver spots all over, okay?
00:23:49Now you've got to make your fingers creepy.
00:23:51So maybe...
00:23:52So this finger,
00:23:53you've got like a coke nail on that finger.
00:23:54This one's got like,
00:23:55like a raccoon eyeball for a ring.
00:23:57Maybe this...
00:23:58You don't need this finger.
00:23:59You cut this one off totally
00:24:00because you lost it.
00:24:01You lost it in the Hobbit war.
00:24:03I don't care.
00:24:04And then...
00:24:05You get a bracelet made of, like,
00:24:07whore gypsy Kardashian hair.
00:24:08You wrap your hand in it.
00:24:13Just as you're...
00:24:14I pull out my grabbing hand.
00:24:15I have it sheathed.
00:24:16It's sheathed in a sheath.
00:24:18And, uh...
00:24:20Just as you're leaving,
00:24:21I go, wait!
00:24:22You'd be like, what?
00:24:23And I'd say,
00:24:24there's one more thing.
00:24:26And I'd pull out a hand of magic dust,
00:24:29which is just sand from the beach aisle
00:24:31in the pharmacy.
00:24:32I'd pull...
00:24:33I'd pull out a hand of dust
00:24:34and I would just go...
00:24:37Do you have a CVS card?
00:24:42I love walking around pharmacies.
00:24:57I love doing that.
00:24:58I can't, I can't go to pharmacy
00:24:59and not spend money.
00:25:00One of the products that creeps me out,
00:25:01they have a product at every pharmacy
00:25:03called KY Intense.
00:25:05You see the commercials for this thing?
00:25:08The commercial for...
00:25:09First of all,
00:25:10the commercial for KY Intense
00:25:11is super offensive.
00:25:12And we will talk about that.
00:25:14In the...
00:25:15First of all,
00:25:16if you've ever used KY Intense,
00:25:17you know that it's intense
00:25:18because it burns.
00:25:21I will volunteer that.
00:25:22I accidentally used it one time
00:25:23thinking like,
00:25:24this is gonna be magical
00:25:25and it burned.
00:25:26And I promise you,
00:25:27girls don't want that.
00:25:28In my life,
00:25:29I've never been like,
00:25:30man, that sex was awesome.
00:25:31But you know what I wanted to feel like
00:25:32right after?
00:25:33Fire!
00:25:35Fire!
00:25:36Fire!
00:25:37Fire!
00:25:38Fire!
00:25:39Of course,
00:25:40they don't bill it
00:25:41as a burning sensation on TV.
00:25:42They call it a tingling sensation.
00:25:44They try to like,
00:25:45talk to the girls.
00:25:46They're like,
00:25:47ladies,
00:25:48do you want more pleasure
00:25:49out of your three minutes?
00:25:50Do you want that?
00:25:51Okay.
00:25:52Well, KY Intense is great
00:25:53because it's a tingling sensation
00:25:54for her
00:25:55and he gets to use his penis.
00:25:56So everybody wins.
00:26:00But even if,
00:26:01even if it was a tingling sensation,
00:26:03we live in a society
00:26:04preconditioned to not want tingling.
00:26:06We don't like tingling.
00:26:07We know that tingling,
00:26:08it means a bad thing is happening.
00:26:10Hey everyone,
00:26:11grandma says her arm is tingling.
00:26:12Oh, she must be having an orgasm.
00:26:18You don't have to rush into the hospital.
00:26:19She's laying on the ground
00:26:20with her eyes rolled back in her head.
00:26:21She's clearly enjoying herself.
00:26:25Tingling.
00:26:26It's horrible.
00:26:27You ever hit your funny bone
00:26:28and been like,
00:26:29pfff, oh.
00:26:32The commercial is awful
00:26:33because it's two British people
00:26:35and they're sitting there
00:26:37having breakfast
00:26:38and they're discussing all the sex
00:26:39that they had the night before.
00:26:43Because they use the KY Intense,
00:26:45but because the Brits are very tacit
00:26:46about sexual things,
00:26:47they're not coming right out
00:26:48and discussing it.
00:26:49They're speaking in code.
00:26:50And at the bottom of the screen
00:26:51are the subtitles in American.
00:26:55So we can understand what they're saying.
00:26:56So they're sitting there
00:26:57and they're eating.
00:26:58They're having their porridge.
00:27:02They're eating their curds and whey.
00:27:04I don't care what the Brits eat.
00:27:05We won the war, so.
00:27:08Right?
00:27:10So they're sitting there
00:27:11and they're eating it.
00:27:12It's just very quiet.
00:27:13And they're just...
00:27:20Teeth out to here.
00:27:35The girl looks at the guy.
00:27:40Wonderful dessert last night, sire.
00:27:42She didn't say sire.
00:27:45They don't talk any better anymore.
00:27:46So she talks and there's subtitles.
00:27:50Wonderful dessert last night.
00:27:51Hey!
00:27:52What'd you put on my puss, nigga?
00:27:53And then the guy...
00:27:58responds in kind.
00:27:59He's like,
00:28:00Oh, yes.
00:28:01It was a bit of a new recipe.
00:28:02Hoped you liked it.
00:28:03Put some of that KY shit on my dick, bitch.
00:28:05How you like me now?
00:28:11And then the girl is like,
00:28:12Oh, yes.
00:28:13It was quite invigorating.
00:28:14Didn't expect that one.
00:28:15You fucking kidding me with that shit?
00:28:16What'd you put?
00:28:17Ants on your dick?
00:28:18Is this a joke?
00:28:20You wanna fucking die, motherfucker?
00:28:21You wanna end up on snack?
00:28:22I'll fucking kill you.
00:28:23This fucking hurt.
00:28:24Then the guy...
00:28:27Like, oh, yes.
00:28:28Try to spin on an old recipe.
00:28:29Try to dash up nutmeg.
00:28:33And there were no subtitles for that
00:28:34because I think they fucking do use nutmeg
00:28:36and that's what makes it burn so much.
00:28:38I know a lot about sex and dating.
00:28:45I know a lot about dating because I watch a lot of dates.
00:28:51That sounds creepy.
00:28:52I host a dating show.
00:28:53So I've learned a lot about men and women
00:28:54and their interactions.
00:28:55And one important thing that I've learned is that
00:28:57when you like someone and you wanna impress them,
00:29:00what do you do?
00:29:01What do you do?
00:29:02You lie.
00:29:04You have to.
00:29:06Because if people knew how weird you were in your off time,
00:29:08no one would have you.
00:29:10Guy says to you,
00:29:11what do you like to do for fun?
00:29:12Girls, you can't be honest.
00:29:14You can't be honest about that shit.
00:29:16You can't be honest about what you were doing
00:29:18ten minutes before you came to the door.
00:29:21You have to lie.
00:29:22What do you like to do for fun?
00:29:23You can't tell him.
00:29:24You can't be like,
00:29:25I really enjoy choreographing
00:29:26naked cheerleading routines
00:29:27to old Britney Spearothetes
00:29:28and then I Google a bunch of hentai porn,
00:29:30masturbate,
00:29:31don't wash my hands,
00:29:32Facebook stalk my ex-boyfriend
00:29:33and his ex-girlfriends,
00:29:34jot down their place of employment
00:29:35for future reference,
00:29:36and then I go bake some cookies
00:29:37and then I mouth kiss my dog
00:29:38and promise her that one day she'll be my wife.
00:29:39You can't say that.
00:29:42Nine times out of ten,
00:29:44guy asks a girl,
00:29:45what do you like to do for fun?
00:29:46The girl's answer will be,
00:29:47hiking.
00:29:54I love hiking.
00:29:55I do.
00:29:56I do.
00:29:57Don't I?
00:29:58I do.
00:29:59I love hiking.
00:30:00I do.
00:30:01I love hiking.
00:30:03I do.
00:30:04I love it.
00:30:05I love hiking.
00:30:06No, you don't.
00:30:07Stop lying.
00:30:08Really, Stacey?
00:30:09You like hiking?
00:30:10Where are your trail spikes?
00:30:11Where's your walking stick?
00:30:12Where's your lesbian mountain partner?
00:30:15You don't like hiking?
00:30:16You don't even know what hiking is.
00:30:17Most modern girls
00:30:18don't really know what hiking is, okay?
00:30:20To the average girl,
00:30:21hiking is,
00:30:22you wake up whenever you want,
00:30:23you put on Lululemon yoga pants
00:30:25because they make your butt look
00:30:26unreasonably good
00:30:27as they should for 800 fucking dollars.
00:30:31And you go for a walk in the park
00:30:32with your best friend
00:30:33and complain about how hungover you are.
00:30:34That's hiking.
00:30:39Yeah, I do it too.
00:30:42Promise you this girls,
00:30:43it's not a sport if you can drink a Starbucks
00:30:44and have a pita while you're doing it.
00:30:47Do you want a piece of pita?
00:30:48Uh, hiking.
00:30:50But there's a method to our madness.
00:30:52There's a reason women say hiking.
00:30:54We say hiking
00:30:55because we think guys like hiking.
00:30:57That's why we're doing it.
00:30:58Don't be outside where the bugs are.
00:31:00No.
00:31:01We think you like that.
00:31:02We're taught to believe
00:31:03that men are outdoorsy
00:31:04and rugged
00:31:05and they like nature.
00:31:06As far as we're concerned,
00:31:07you're the closest thing we know
00:31:09to a bear.
00:31:10So we say hiking hoping to have something in common with you.
00:31:16We honestly say hiking hoping that you'll be like,
00:31:18you like hiking?
00:31:19I like hiking.
00:31:20Marry me.
00:31:24It's the easiest thing you can say that you do.
00:31:25It's one of the only outdoor activities that you can lie
00:31:28and say that you do it having never done it before
00:31:31and then do it and pull it off because it's walking.
00:31:36You can't pull that off.
00:31:37You shouldn't be mating with anyone.
00:31:40Most outdoor activities require a decent amount of skill.
00:31:43For example, you can't say you like rock climbing
00:31:45if you've never been rock climbing.
00:31:47I mean, you can, but I promise you this.
00:31:50You're going to go.
00:31:51You're going to slip.
00:31:54You're going to get your hand caught in a rock.
00:31:57127 hours later.
00:32:06Stump's not getting you a second date.
00:32:07I promise you that.
00:32:09I don't know if girls want to hear this,
00:32:11but the truth is 90% of the activities
00:32:13that women engage in revolve around
00:32:15getting a guy's attention, okay?
00:32:17And it's just the way we're built biologically.
00:32:19This is just something we do.
00:32:20We love to get your attention.
00:32:22It's part of the sport of it, alright?
00:32:23You think I go to a sports bar
00:32:25because I like warm beer and sticky bar stools?
00:32:27No, I go because there's guys there.
00:32:28You think I do a pub crawl every year
00:32:30because I like it when my liver hurts?
00:32:31No, I go because there's guys there.
00:32:33We don't wear heels for our circulation.
00:32:35We do it to prop up our butts
00:32:36so you'll look at me and want to mate with me.
00:32:38That's why we do it.
00:32:39This isn't a fucking game, alright?
00:32:40This isn't a push-up bra.
00:32:41It's body armor.
00:32:42And this ain't makeup, sweetheart.
00:32:43This ain't makeup, sweetheart.
00:32:44It's war paint.
00:32:45Let's make a baby.
00:32:56Girls know exactly what they're doing.
00:32:58We know exactly what you like,
00:32:59what you don't like.
00:33:00We do our research when we like a guy.
00:33:02And by research, I mean we Facebook stalk you.
00:33:04But we do it.
00:33:05I know your favorite foods.
00:33:07I know where you went on vacation.
00:33:08I know that your favorite team is the Cowboys.
00:33:10I know all about that.
00:33:11I'm totally into you.
00:33:12That's right.
00:33:13They say men are hunters and women are gatherers.
00:33:15Well, kind of.
00:33:16Women are gatherers.
00:33:17We like to gather information about you
00:33:19and then we hunt you.
00:33:20You think when I bring you home to meet mom on Christmas
00:33:24it's because I want her to meet you?
00:33:25No.
00:33:26It's so I can be like,
00:33:27Mom, look what I caught.
00:33:28We have to because guys are kind of passive
00:33:33when it comes to meeting women.
00:33:34Sure, they go out,
00:33:35but girls make a sport of it.
00:33:37My guy friends don't care.
00:33:38If they had their way,
00:33:39they'd spend every Saturday night with each other,
00:33:41which is weird,
00:33:42watching A Thousand Ways to Die,
00:33:43eating sandwiches,
00:33:44ragging on their one friend
00:33:45that has a huge nut sack for no reason.
00:33:47Like that's what they would do.
00:33:49Going out is very important.
00:33:51You got a real job.
00:33:52Your weekend is very important to you
00:33:53because a weekend represents 48 hours that you have
00:33:56to fuck up the life that you work so hard for all week.
00:34:06That's what your weekend is.
00:34:07If you're a real professional,
00:34:08your weekend starts Thursday at like 5 p.m.
00:34:11Right?
00:34:12You go to happy hour.
00:34:13Happy hour trickles into like nighttime.
00:34:15You're drinking a little bit
00:34:16because you can go to work a little hungover, right?
00:34:18No one's doing real work on Friday.
00:34:20Nobody's working on a Friday.
00:34:22Nobody's working on a Friday
00:34:23because it's what?
00:34:24Shabbat.
00:34:25Because it's Friday and nobody cares.
00:34:28Never been at work.
00:34:29Your boss is never going to be like,
00:34:30let's get in those reports and start brainstorming.
00:34:32You're like, okay, I'll be there.
00:34:36Oh, you're serious.
00:34:37Okay, little hand job.
00:34:38I'll be at my desk.
00:34:39That's fine.
00:34:42Girls take going out very seriously
00:34:44because that's our hunting grounds.
00:34:45Going out.
00:34:46Let's do it.
00:34:49Do you want to do like a girls night?
00:34:51Do you want to do that?
00:34:53Every weekend I get calls from my girlfriends.
00:34:56Do you want to do like just girls?
00:34:58Do you want to do like a fun girls night?
00:35:00Eliza, I'm talking to you.
00:35:01Eliza.
00:35:02Do you want to do that?
00:35:06Do you want to do like a girls?
00:35:07We'll just do like, we'll all wear like fun shoes
00:35:08and we'll all get like appies
00:35:09and then we'll do like a fun girls night.
00:35:11Do you want to do that?
00:35:12I want to do a girls night.
00:35:13I made an evite for the four of us.
00:35:18You didn't answer because I'm standing right here.
00:35:20You're such a bitch.
00:35:22Let's do a girls night.
00:35:23Let's do just girls.
00:35:24No boys.
00:35:25Let's just all wear wedges and no boys.
00:35:30Let's not do boys, just girls.
00:35:31Just the girls.
00:35:32I'm like, why?
00:35:34We hate each other.
00:35:37Girls hate each other.
00:35:38She hates you.
00:35:39Especially during the day.
00:35:43But when the moon comes up
00:35:44and there's white wine involved.
00:35:45Oh my God.
00:35:46Stacy, you look amazing.
00:35:49I fucking love you.
00:35:51And you notice the drunker you get,
00:35:53the more Spanish you start speaking.
00:35:55Oh my God.
00:35:56Mamacita.
00:35:57Muy caliente.
00:35:58Woo!
00:36:00Fucking love you, chica.
00:36:04But the more love you give to one girlfriend,
00:36:06the more love you must taketh away from another girlfriend.
00:36:09It's how we keep balance in the girl universe.
00:36:12I love you.
00:36:13Can I just tell you?
00:36:15I love you.
00:36:16I do.
00:36:17But you know who I hate?
00:36:18Becky.
00:36:24She's a bitch.
00:36:26No, I hate her,
00:36:27even though she drove me here
00:36:28and I'm wearing her top.
00:36:34Can I just tell you that?
00:36:35Like for real?
00:36:36Like I hate her.
00:36:37Will you not tell her?
00:36:38Do you promise?
00:36:39Do you, do you promise you won't tell her?
00:36:40Do you pinky swear?
00:36:42Do you pinky,
00:36:43do you pinky swear?
00:36:44Even though I'm a grown fucking woman
00:36:45that pays taxes and votes?
00:36:46Do you want to?
00:36:49This is ironclad.
00:36:50Do you pinky swear?
00:36:51Okay, come here.
00:36:52No, here, take my hand.
00:36:53I want to tell you.
00:36:54Come here.
00:36:56No, like earlier,
00:36:57like here, come here, come here.
00:36:58Like earlier she was just like being like a bitch
00:37:00and I was like,
00:37:01what's your problem?
00:37:02I don't even understand.
00:37:03I was just like,
00:37:04why are you being like so rude?
00:37:05I'm like, what,
00:37:06are you like bipolar or like manic?
00:37:08Like I just freely use these psychological terms
00:37:10because I don't know what I'm talking about.
00:37:11And she was just like being like,
00:37:12wait, wait,
00:37:13is she looking?
00:37:15Did she hear me talking about her?
00:37:17Is she,
00:37:18pretend like we're not talking about her.
00:37:23Is she gone?
00:37:24No, but like that's the thing.
00:37:25Like earlier,
00:37:26she was just like being like passive aggressive
00:37:28and like crazy
00:37:29and like
00:37:32and I was just like,
00:37:34she was just being like a freak
00:37:35and she was just like disrespecting me
00:37:37and like, no,
00:37:38no, like when you do it,
00:37:39it's fine.
00:37:45Right?
00:37:46Because we get each other
00:37:47because we're both Pisces.
00:37:48which means nothing.
00:37:51Do you want to do that?
00:37:53Do you want to do a girl's night?
00:37:55Fuck y'all.
00:37:56Why don't you come over?
00:37:57Us Weekly, Jennifer Aniston,
00:37:58hang out, love actually,
00:37:59watch a movie, braid her hair,
00:38:00stiff as a board, light as a feather,
00:38:01have some candy,
00:38:02have some cake,
00:38:03have some cookies,
00:38:04have some box wine,
00:38:05have some fucking martinis,
00:38:06have a loaf at pizza pizza,
00:38:07have a goddamn muffin,
00:38:08have a piece of cake,
00:38:09have a piece of grani,
00:38:10fifty shades of gray.
00:38:11Sounds great, Cindy.
00:38:12Can't wait to be shit-faced on your couch
00:38:13at 2am with no boy to make out with.
00:38:14You've got Grey's Anatomy on DVD.
00:38:15Awesome.
00:38:16Yeah.
00:38:26Let's make that happen.
00:38:28Tired of feeling like a sexual deviant
00:38:30because I just enjoy
00:38:31a little bit of mouth kissing
00:38:32with my red wine, okay?
00:38:35That's what most girls want,
00:38:36by the way.
00:38:37We just want to make out.
00:38:38Just a little bit.
00:38:39Right at the beginning
00:38:40when you first meet,
00:38:41make out.
00:38:42That's what most girls want.
00:38:43Let's do some fun shoes,
00:38:44red wine, make out,
00:38:45wiener touch, go to bed.
00:38:46And then that's it.
00:38:47Just real quick.
00:38:48In that order.
00:38:49You don't want to have drunk sex.
00:38:50That's a whole mess.
00:38:51Drunk sex, there's emotions,
00:38:52ankle sprains, paperwork.
00:38:53There's like a whole thing involved.
00:38:54Girls like making out.
00:38:55It's a sentiment echoed
00:38:56by almost any girl
00:38:57in any bar on any night.
00:38:58You pick any bar in the country,
00:38:59you find a girl,
00:39:00she's going to be drunk,
00:39:01face on sideways.
00:39:02Just like...
00:39:03I just want to make out with a boy.
00:39:04I just want to make out with a boy.
00:39:05I just want to make out with a boy.
00:39:06I do.
00:39:07I just want to make out with a fun boy.
00:39:08That's all I want.
00:39:09I do.
00:39:10I'm pretty, right?
00:39:11I just want...
00:39:12I'm pretty, right?
00:39:13I just want...
00:39:14Saved it.
00:39:15I just want...
00:39:16Saved it.
00:39:17I'm so sorry.
00:39:18I'm so sorry.
00:39:19I'm so sorry.
00:39:20I'm so sorry.
00:39:21I'm so sorry.
00:39:22I just want to make out with a boy.
00:39:23I do.
00:39:24I just want to make out with a fun boy.
00:39:25That's all I want.
00:39:26I do.
00:39:27I'm pretty, right?
00:39:29I just want...
00:39:32Saved it.
00:39:42that's what you hear you rarely hear a girl talk about having sex with a stranger I understand it
00:39:50happens I understand that there's one night stands but rarely does a girl go out with the intention
00:39:55of having sex with a stranger rarely do you hear a girl like I just want to like go out and like
00:40:00party like meet some dude and go home with him and then have sex with him and then wake up and
00:40:05realize I never got his name but he's already gone to the gym so I can't ask him so I go over
00:40:08to his coffee table and I find a phone bill with his name on it I put it in my pocket and I go home
00:40:12with the phone bill and I get home to my computer and I take it out I'm like Brian Williamson that's
00:40:17a generic fucking name so I look up all 90,000 Brian Williams on Facebook until I find the one
00:40:22that resembles him and then I send him a message but I have to use bait because I have to make sure
00:40:25he'll write me back so I'm like I think I'm pregnant he writes back JK motherfucker but I got you now
00:40:31now we begin the dance of seduction now I say things like I just want to be friends you were
00:40:36super fun to have sex with let's just be friends that have sex fuck a relationship and oxytocin I
00:40:41never want to have a family let's just do what you want to do he's into it so I get your number
00:40:45right you hold on to the number until you have an occasion and then it's like st. Patrick's Day
00:40:49you send out a mass text but it's just to one person you ever do that me neither it's just a joke
00:40:55the best idea you find one guy that you like and you send out a text that's like hey everyone make
00:41:04sure you write everyone in caps so it's clear that it's for like a bunch of people hey everyone
00:41:08lol whatever smiley face I'm gonna have a party at Kelly's bar at 9pm everybody should come you guys
00:41:16triple z so it knows there's a lot of people in this text I can see you later and then you bring
00:41:21your one friend that has no issue with you ditching her you go to the bar and you post up and you
00:41:24wait until he gets there he shows up you're like I guess everybody passed out it's just us standing
00:41:29and then you make out and he's like you seem like a cool chick you're like I'm the coolest
00:41:33chick I'm gonna do it and he's like let's go out tomorrow night you're like yeah second date only
00:41:38took me six fucking months yeah so now you're excited because you have a second date and girls
00:41:43love getting ready for dates even though it makes us a little nauseous and all we want to do is stay
00:41:46home and eat we love second dates because you got to get ready for your second date so what do you
00:41:50do you do your hair you do your makeup you shave your big toe you come to play right got to make
00:42:00sure your underwear is cute don't want to go to Victoria's Secret because that's a bit too much
00:42:04of a commitment so where do you go for a cheap bra that's really cute Target they don't fit and
00:42:11you're like fuck it for $12.50 I'll wear a bra made of ceiling insulation and barbed wire that's fine
00:42:16it doesn't fit this boob and it makes this nipple fall asleep but for 12 bucks I'm good
00:42:21you get all excited you put on makeup you put on the makeup that you're okay with sleeping in
00:42:27all girls have to make this decision because you know you're not going to be washing your face
00:42:31because girls are so fucked up that we think I'd rather fall asleep get night zits and wake up
00:42:35looking like a melted clown than ever wash my face and show him that I'm a human being so you go there
00:42:41you're all excited you get to his house you guys start drinking you get so fucking wasted in the
00:42:46first two hours that you have sex for three minutes before he goes completely soft and the
00:42:50next thing you know you wake up in your underwear on his couch you look over he's eating noodles
00:42:54watching Harry Potter is this relatable to anyone else popular misconception about girls is that we
00:43:02get drunk and we want to have sex here's the truth we do have a good night no we do for like the
00:43:12first hour of being drunk okay let's talk about the first hour of being drunk mostly because many of
00:43:17you are in that hour right now I call it the witching hour the first hour of being drunk is the best
00:43:26hour of the night because your buzz is fresh you're happy you don't feel fat you haven't cried yet
00:43:33you're still somewhat of the self you were when you were sober you still could ostensibly operate
00:43:40heavy machinery if an emergency were to arise okay you're that buzz you're feeling awesome your
00:43:46synapses haven't been soaked in alcohol so you're still alert you're feeling awesome you walk into
00:43:50that bar like you own it fucking kick that door open even though it's a pull-in door you don't care
00:43:54you just walk in let's do shots bitches you and your awful friends line up at the bar you're like
00:44:03let's do shots you're doing shots you have no business doing let's get Jägermeister Goldschlager
00:44:09Rumpelman Aftershock do you have anything else that tastes like Christmas and vomit
00:44:14you start doing them you're like fuck it it's my bachelorette 21st birthday wedding
00:44:23extravaganza donkey punch I don't know what this is gonna do it shot shot what was that hand soap
00:44:29bubbles I don't care awesome now you're on the dance floor you're like this is so good you're
00:44:35feeling so good right you're dancing you're all excited because your buzz has just hit you're like
00:44:38great I can love it you're ambitious about life you ever plan a workout when you're drunk
00:44:43when you're drunk you're like this is when I get in shape this is when it starts
00:44:48going to start tomorrow you try to drag your friends into it you're like Stacy
00:44:52Stacy do you want to work out you dance like an asshole by the way I don't know who dances like
00:45:00this do you want to work out like tomorrow do you want to do that I'm gonna get up early and
00:45:05work out do you want to go with me do you want to go like six it's five now
00:45:08do you want to take a spin class do you want to spin do you want to spin you don't want to go
00:45:19spinning you don't want to sit on a stationary bike and tolerate getting pounded in the rectum
00:45:23for an hour while some twinked out spandex queen yells at you over a shitty remix of U2's it's a
00:45:28beautiful day in total darkness you don't want to do that so you're feeling good and you're dancing
00:45:35you're like I feel so thin I've never been hotter in my life I feel so good and then it hits you
00:45:40you're like oh my god I feel so good right now I feel so awesome and happy I wish I could feel this
00:45:46way all the time I wish I could feel this buzz and this happy all the time and that's when you realize
00:45:52that's how an alcoholic thinks but you're like screw it I'm gonna give it a shot I'm gonna see
00:45:59just how far I can push being drunk so you decide to do shots and you decide these shots aren't gonna
00:46:06get me because tonight's the night I outsmart the liquor not gonna happen tonight because I'm gonna
00:46:12drink water going to drink a glass of water with each shot this is your brilliant idea no one in the
00:46:19thousands of years of people imbibing alcohol has ever thought of this this is your night Einstein
00:46:23it's your big plan I'm gonna do a shot and then have a glass of water and then a shot and then a
00:46:29glass of water you can't buy me a shot now but thank you I'm just having water I'm just having
00:46:34I'm just drinking water but thank you shot and water but what you don't realize is that five shots
00:46:40in an hour is still five fucking shots in an hour you want to drink all that water like a crazy camel
00:46:47yeah good job now you're bloated and you have to pee way to be because when a girl's got to pee
00:46:52everything has to come to a halt every girl's got to go with her I have to pee do you have to pee
00:46:57and you can't go alone no will you stop what you're doing and come with me I have to pee
00:47:07can't go to the bathroom alone you might not come back
00:47:19because no girl's ever been to the bathroom alone and survived
00:47:24it's true the last woman that attempted it it was 1937
00:47:30and her name was Amelia Earhart
00:47:33it's a big event I have to pee come on let's go every girl let's go you girls come on I have to
00:47:47pee come on take my hand let's make a chain of whores everyone holds hands as he walked through
00:47:52the bathroom for me when I'm walking through a crowded bar the amount of aggression I will
00:47:57display toward the other bar patrons is in direct correlation with how many boys I've gotten to
00:48:02flirt with meaning if I haven't gotten to talk to any cute guys mama's gonna be a little aggressive
00:48:07in her walk to the bathroom okay guys when they get drunk sometimes punch walls I like to mule kick
00:48:12other girls in the shin it's totally fine every girl's done this and you know why we do it because
00:48:17we can get away with it you can knock into a girl and then be like oops I didn't mean
00:48:20our smile is our jedi mind trick just these are not the droids you're looking for
00:48:27you ever do that you ever just check a girl into the boards because you can you ever just
00:48:32been walking and just been like I love your shoes it takes you forever but you finally get through
00:48:40that jungle of people you get to the bathroom for those of you that haven't been in a women's
00:48:44restroom late night a women's restroom late night looks like a scene out of Apocalypse Now
00:48:50there's gunfire explosions blood everywhere children a lot of Vietnamese men which I never
00:48:58quite understood like why they'd be there you're with your buddies just trying to get through
00:49:02everything you go pee you get to the sink and then your night comes to a screeching halt
00:49:07because for the first time in like four hours you get a look at yourself in the mirror
00:49:13and you see the swamp witch that you've become
00:49:2310 minutes ago you thought you look like Heidi Klum turns out you look like Seal
00:49:30it hits you like a ton of bricks out of nowhere and you don't know it's coming you're sitting
00:49:43there talking to your friends you're like this is awesome I'm gonna be young forever this is
00:49:46what is this I was once a great beauty no what is this what is oh my god you go to touch it it
00:50:02disappears you're like is it a hologram weird one eyeball has migrated here you look down you're just
00:50:12leaking vodka now you don't want to hook up with anyone now all you want to do is eat
00:50:20I'm a red-blooded American girl absolutely when I get drunk I would rather eat than hook up with you
00:50:27I'm sorry I don't know give you a handjob or go get fries
00:50:32both are salty one will give me carpal tunnel I'll go with the fries every time
00:50:48popular misconception about girls is that we don't like to eat girls love to eat yeah we just don't
00:50:57like to eat in front of a guy that we like that's the difference when you first meet a guy that you
00:51:01like you can't eat the way you want to on a date you can't you can't have that fourth plate of ribs
00:51:06on a date I found out going on a date society dictates that guys can do what they want women
00:51:17have to be dainty so he's gonna get fries a burger half a gazelle whatever he wants to eat
00:51:22girls you get the menu what are you ordering salad like hot little robot salad
00:51:30and it's an excruciating experience because you're trying to just look pretty the whole time
00:51:38he's sitting there enjoying his burger you're eating your lettuce you're just sitting there
00:51:41you've abandoned the utensils you ordered like a koala you may as well eat like one
00:51:45he's talking you can't focus because you're starving right he's yeah you're just like you
00:51:58finished your lettuce there's no more watercress on the plate you're just you pull one of you're
00:52:01looking at his food you're like what's that over there fry talking talking you can't focus
00:52:08you can't focus you're not getting any nutrients to your brain you're just kind of staring out the
00:52:12window wondering what birds taste like just like you finished your lemon wedge like an hour ago
00:52:19he's still eating he's still talking and you're you're starting to get cold now you're not getting
00:52:23any nutrition into your bloodstream your spine is sticking out you're shivering you start you're
00:52:27like a lost puppy you start saying things that you don't mean he's yapping you start just saying
00:52:31things like I would love to spend the afternoon with your mother that sounds great and no I totally
00:52:36cared about that whole replacement refs thing it really rocked my world as well
00:52:39once you're in a relationship you can eat the way you want to
00:52:45once he loves you you can roll out a trough at mealtime it doesn't matter
00:52:50you can put your hands behind your back county fair pie eating contest style
00:52:53I love you is that the house cat
00:52:57yeah you can let it all hang out when he loves you then you can show him how you eat
00:53:04once you're in love you can show him the 12-foot man-eating lizards you actually are
00:53:09your eyes light up red let's get cheese cake oh cool sweetheart you want to share a piece of
00:53:33cheesecake oh tail swipe get your own
00:53:40all right sweetheart dinner's over did you get enough to eat I love when they ask that because
00:53:53I've always wanted to give this answer do you get enough to eat
00:54:03why what else do you want your soul fire
00:54:09can I ask you can I ask you a question does this tail make my butt look big
00:54:25girls love eating we do we were the first ones to make it fun hello apple garden of eden
00:54:46girls love to eat I saw a bachelorette party take down a live buffalo at 35 miles an hour off the
00:54:53freeway it was magnificent the girls ran alongside it like Stacy put your veil over his snout
00:54:59you ever tried to get a group of drunk girls to walk from a bar to a restaurant it's like herding
00:55:09drunk retarded sheep first of all yes I love being a woman we're amazing I love Beyonce but we have no
00:55:17idea where we're going okay we're walking around all we know is that we got a little sheep who's on
00:55:23and we're freezing because no one brought a jacket just walking forever no clean I'm cold I'm cold
00:55:32why didn't you bring a jacket because I'm in my 20s and I'm stupid I'm cold I have to pee I'm cold I
00:55:40have to pee I don't have solutions just more problems
00:55:43everybody's got that one girlfriend that's a little filthy she has no issue with peeing behind
00:55:52a dumpster it holds everyone up you're all trying to walk and she's back there she's like
00:55:57you guys wait wait no make sure nobody's watching
00:56:09you're sitting there running interference for your friend like don't look at her sheep vagina it's just
00:56:14mine I promise you nobody's watching I promise you I promise you no guy is driving by like
00:56:21well tonight really sucks and I whoa is that a drunk girl peeing on hot garbage
00:56:29it's awesome what am I doing I gotta get to the craft store
00:56:35so she she's done peeing you're all wandering now you're into the second hour you're still drunk
00:56:50somehow you're cold you're hungry and you everybody's got that one girlfriend that has a
00:56:55poor moral barometer she'll get in a car with any guy as long as it looks warm
00:57:00and she'll rationalize why he's not a rapist based solely on the way that he's dressed
00:57:05every girl's had to do this right you have to make these like game time decisions you're like
00:57:09he's not gonna rape me he's wearing nike dunks
00:57:11guys come over here your friend goes over to the guy she bends down like a streetwalker
00:57:17she's like hi what's your name todd oh that's a fun name that's a really exotic name oh you gave
00:57:22us a ride okay that's really fun my name is crystal nice to meet you hold on a second you guys
00:57:26he's gonna give us a ride he's gonna give us a ride do you want to go with him your friends
00:57:33know better they're on the other side of the street huddled together like crystal get away
00:57:37crystal's stupid and she's already she's like hold on one second thank you so much I really like
00:57:52your chin strap it's really attractive hold on one second hold on me you guys he's gonna give us a
00:57:59ride like do you want to just keep walking sarah you're being a bitch you are like we talked about
00:58:05this earlier when you were in the bathroom and you're being this is like what we talked about
00:58:08you're being do you not want to you don't want to go with him you got hold on one second thank you
00:58:12so much hold on hold on hold on you guys he's gonna give us he's being nice stop it stop it he's
00:58:18not he's not he's not gonna rape us you have to whisper the rape part and just in case that was his
00:58:28intention you don't want to offend him ahead of time god forbid you offend him and he leaves oh no then
00:58:36what he's not gonna rape us he's wearing sketchers that's fair now you're into hour three you didn't
00:58:46take the ride from chin strap so you're walking you're cold no one knows where they're going
00:58:52because you're all relying on girl gps for those of you that don't know girl gps pretty much consists
00:58:58of one girl doing this um i feel like it's this way
00:59:10girls when you get drunk who are you most likely to pick a fight with your boyfriend do you want to know
00:59:27why because you know he's not gonna hit your back every girl in here knows that your boyfriend
00:59:33will take a healthy dose of your drunk ranting why because at the end of the night when you're
00:59:37all tuckered out he's gonna want to mouth kiss you and touch your snooch that's why i hate to tell
00:59:44you it's why they do everything it's why they put up with your attitude it's why they buy you expensive
00:59:48drinks it's why they let you make them turn the game off so you can show them what you did on
00:59:51pinterest okay for snooches steve come here come look at this no like off like turn it off
01:00:01don't just like shut it off i want to show you something come here come here come here
01:00:05look look what i have look what i pinned look at this it's an entire wedding made of cheese
01:00:13it can be our wedding steven
01:00:19i call it a snooch because i don't like the word vagina no one says vagina like no one says that
01:00:30that's weird no one here's ever been hooking up with someone to be like this feels great
01:00:34continue to touch my vagina vagina what a vagina sounds like an indian casino
01:00:41this weekend at vagina wayne newton at vagina
01:00:49i made up snooch because it's so cute sounding
01:00:53maybe it would be like a cartoon character maybe it would be like a cute tiny furry obviously
01:01:04character he's got a little top hat and maybe before you have sex you have to summon snooch
01:01:12so he can bless the whole thing yeah that's what you have to do you're having you're about to have
01:01:17sex you have to get out a snooch flute which you have to pre-order to order them online it's a it's
01:01:23a.gov site you pull it out you're like you're ready to have sex sure let's let's let's summon snooch
01:01:30snooche do-do-do-do-do-do-do snooche
01:01:36hi folks hi snooche we were just about to have sex do we have your blessing well you surely do it
01:01:41was nice meeting both of you but i better be on my way do-do-do-do-do-do snooche
01:01:51i made up snooch because i don't like the p word i don't like saying it it's not a lady word
01:01:55pretty. If I got to say it, there's going to be an involuntary facial spasm that comes
01:02:01with it. You should know that. I will ruin any sort of moment we have going in the bedroom.
01:02:06All right, babe, this is great. Tell me where you want me to put it. I'll say it, but you're
01:02:09not going to like it. Come on, where do you want me to put it? Why don't you put it in
01:02:17my pussy? I can't. What'd you say? Nothing. I'm fine. I'm fine. All right, let's do this. Great.
01:02:28All right, come on. Let's get back to it. All right, where do you want me to put it? Why don't
01:02:31you put it in my pussy? It's not a lady word. Ladies don't say that word. Like growing up,
01:02:39did your mom ever say, no, she didn't, right? No. And if she did, then your mom was white
01:02:46trash. It's not a lady word. It's not a word that women hear independent of men.
01:02:54Most women don't hear that word like in professional ether. No woman's laying there
01:02:58at the gynecologist. Doctor walks in. He's like, sup. How's it hanging? All right. Let's
01:03:04see. Pussy checks out. All right. Great tits, by the way. Good hustle. Get out of here.
01:03:16It's a guy word. I don't care that guys say it. Boys are gross and that's why we love
01:03:25them, okay? But that's a guy thing. That's what guys say in the locker rooms with all their
01:03:31grossness. I'd imagine they go to the locker room after a rousing game of touch softball
01:03:35and they talk about the P word. Hey, what's up? What's up, bro? What's up? Did you get
01:03:39any, did you get any pussy last night? Yeah, a whole bucket. I don't know how you quantify
01:03:43it.
01:03:47I don't know if it goes bucket, mug, ramekin. I don't know. That's what guys do in the locker
01:03:54rooms with the butt slaps and the sword fighting. That's what they do.
01:03:57We know about that. We know you do weird things with each other with your wieners because you
01:04:04do weird things with us and you're trying to impress us. So I can only imagine what creepiness
01:04:09goes on behind closed doors. I've seen it firsthand. Every girl has. Every girl's had
01:04:15that boyfriend where you're sitting on the bed in your Target underwear waiting. He comes
01:04:20out of the bathroom naked except for a t-shirt. No bottoms. Donald ducking it the whole way.
01:04:27He's got this grin on his face and he's just like, hey, babe, babe, check this out.
01:04:48Why are you doing that? On behalf of all women, why? It's never going to change a girl's mind
01:04:56ever. You are not helping yourself. No woman, I promise you, ever. You're sitting there
01:05:02doing that like a circus monkey. No girl is going to turn around like, oh.
01:05:08My, my, my, my. You know what's crazy? Um, I didn't want to have sex with you before.
01:05:24But now, now that you've displayed the agility of your flaccid penis as it slaps in rhythmic
01:05:41repetition against either one of your clearly never seen by the sun thighs. Now, snooche time.
01:05:53in closing, I would, in closing, I would like to give the girls in this room a bit of advice.
01:06:15Okay? I have a tip for you, but just the tip. Ladies, never order a lobster on a date.
01:06:29The lobster is the most expensive thing on the menu. Okay? So just know that if you order and
01:06:35consume a lobster, you have to touch your date's wiener. You have to, okay? It's like a sexual
01:06:43contract from the sea. It's binding. Now, keep in mind, he wants you to get the lobster.
01:06:55It's not going to make you get it, but he's hoping you'll come to that conclusion on your own.
01:06:59It's hoping you'll be flipping through the menu, and you'll be like, I don't know what
01:07:02to get. Like, I'm just, I don't know. I'm eating fresh this week. I'm eating a lot of fresh things.
01:07:06That's my new thing. Fresh. I'm just doing fresh food. Oh, lobster? Should I, should I get it?
01:07:12Should I get it? Should I get the lobster? Should I crack it open on my head like an otter?
01:07:15Eat it off my chest? Lobster? Yeah, because then it's wiener time this Sunday at Vagina.
01:07:20Here's how it's going to go down, okay? You're going to be making out later, and now, guys,
01:07:29this is for you to know. Just so you know, as girls, we like to make out with you when we first
01:07:34meet you. We like to make out with you a couple times, and then leave right when you think we're
01:07:37going to sleep with you, okay? We do it to make sure that you like us, but if you want to know the
01:07:42truth, they teach us this shit in high school. While you were off building a birdhouse and shop class,
01:07:48we were off learning how to be annoying. Here's how it happens. You're going to be making out,
01:07:53and you'll notice that when a girl makes out with you and leaves you, we always leave in a very sweet
01:07:57way, because we want you to have a nice impression of us for later, right? So it's always like,
01:08:01okay, well, I gotta go. Bye. I like you too. Stop it. It's always very sweet, right? I've gone as far
01:08:10as to sometimes bring a little thing of vanilla body spray, and when he gets up to go to the bathroom,
01:08:14I spray it on his pillow. That way, later, when he texts me, he's like, oh my god,
01:08:17my pillow still smells like you. I'm like, that's amazing. I don't know why. You can get creative
01:08:24with it. You can take a handful of glitter on your date, and then after you're leaving,
01:08:27just be like, okay, I gotta go. Bye. You bring a smoke bomb, and then like still be standing there
01:08:36because you don't know magic. Girls always leave in a sweet way. We never leave in a huff. It's never
01:08:41like, well, I got mine. Eat my shit later, fuck dog. Never doing that. So we're going to be making
01:08:49out later, and here's how it's going to go. We're going to be making out, okay? So this is making
01:08:52out. Okay. I'm 12. This is making out. My guy's going to be like, oh, I like making out with you
01:08:59so much. I like making out with you. Tonight was so fun. It was really fun. You're so hot. I know.
01:09:04This is so fun. I really like you're so pretty. I know. This is great. I am pretty. Oh,
01:09:07I like you a lot. So you want to keep going? Girls, that's your cue. All right, well, I
01:09:13gotta go. What? I gotta go. Bye. Later. And the guy is going to try to get you to stay,
01:09:25right? As he should. You can't just walk out of a spider's web. You're really going to go?
01:09:31Come on. Come on. Amber. You're really going to go? You're really going to go? Really
01:09:42going to go? Really going to go? You're just going to go? Huh?
01:10:01You're just going to leave it like this? I'm sorry. Were we in the middle of open heart
01:10:18surgery? I'm pretty sure you're fine. Yeah. I'm not a doctor per se, but I'm fairly confident
01:10:24that blood will return to your system. Walk it off, champ. That might sound harsh, but
01:10:32it took 10 years of me dating to learn that a boner isn't a medical condition. So I'm paying
01:10:36you back right now. Now he's pissed. Mostly because he has a raging erection and you called
01:10:45him champ. Now he's mad. Really? You're going to go? That's messed up. That's messed up.
01:10:52It's messed up, Amber. You're just going to go? It's funny. It's funny. You're just going to go
01:10:58because I distinctly remember I bought you a lobster. Man's right. Time to pay the piper.
01:11:12Girls, you do not have to sleep with him. It's just a crustacean. That's ridiculous. All right?
01:11:17But you got to give him something. I suggest a beach. That's what I suggest.
01:11:24That's proper. Don't do a handjob. That's ridiculous. That's child's play.
01:11:30Handjob? A handy? Really? As a grown woman, you're not doing a handjob, okay? If you voted,
01:11:35you're not doing a handjob. Let's send some handjobs overseas to China.
01:11:40I'm not doing a handjob. A handjob, that's what kids do when you're like a teenager.
01:11:48You do a handjob, you put on your promise ring, you revel in your virginity for the next
01:11:5210 to 15 years, depending on your involvement with comic books. That's what a handjob is for.
01:11:56As an adult, it's not happening. It's an intermediary step in a sexual evolution that
01:12:00you've evolved past, okay? It's like a tail.
01:12:03Necessary at one point for balance, but if you busted it out at a house party, people
01:12:10would be, like, weirded out.
01:12:16I was out with a guy one time who I wasn't even into. I didn't want to do anything, and
01:12:21he didn't buy me a lobster. And I was, I explained everything, and after talking to him, he's
01:12:26like, I'd like a handjob. I think it sounds great. And I guess I was frustrated because
01:12:33he hadn't been listening to me or my feelings, and I was like, all right, I'll tell you what,
01:12:37son. I'm going to give you a handjob, but it's going to be on my terms. 45 minutes long.
01:12:46No lotion. And you don't break eye contact. Go!
01:13:00What kills me is that you get that I'm kidding. He did not. I swear to God, he goes, no lotion.
01:13:29That doesn't sound fun. Like, the 45-minute part is tolerable?
01:13:38Eliza, come on. You got to do something. You got to give me lotion or do something cute.
01:13:43It threw me off that he said cute, because that's not an adjective I believe belongs anywhere
01:13:49near an H.J. It sounded creepy in a way. I was like, what do you mean cute? What's cute?
01:13:57What do you want? What do you want? Kitten paws?
01:13:59It's like, uh-huh.
01:14:16It's probably how that one cat lost his eye.
01:14:18You guys are fantastic. Thank you so much for coming out.
01:14:21Thank you so much for coming out.
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