- il y a 2 jours
Jeff Dunham: Spark of Insanity (2007) is a fun and family-friendly comedy special featuring the talented ventriloquist Jeff Dunham and his cast of memorable puppet characters. The show combines clever humor, witty dialogue, and playful interactions, delivering an entertaining experience for viewers of all ages. Filled with imaginative scenarios and lively performances, it highlights creativity, storytelling, and the joy of laughter. This special is perfect for anyone seeking a lighthearted and engaging performance, celebrating friendship, humor, and the art of ventriloquism.
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Jeff Dunham Spark of Insanity, Jeff Dunham Spark of Insanity 2007, Jeff Dunham movie, Jeff Dunham comedy special, Jeff Dunham full show, family-friendly comedy, ventriloquist show, puppet comedy, humorous performance, entertaining special, fun comedy, engaging show, clever dialogue, memorable characters, playful banter, imaginative scenarios, comedy performance, lighthearted entertainment, enjoyable movie, witty humor, comedic storytelling, laughter and fun, family comedy, creative performance, entertaining movie, engaging comedy, memorable show, amusing special, fun for all ages, classic comedy special
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TechnologieTranscription
00:01:29Thank you so much for coming out tonight. I mean, this is such a pleasure.
00:01:33Before we get started, I must say it is a true honor to be in this theater with you people in the capital of the greatest country in the world, the United States of America.
00:01:42And driving around the city the last couple days, I couldn't help but realize that here in D.C., just like everywhere else in the country, gas prices suck.
00:02:01My wife and I live in L.A., and we, uh, not long ago were the proud owners of two big giant SUVs, and, uh, we decided to do the economically and ecologically right thing.
00:02:12We, uh, got rid of one of the big giant SUVs and got a Prius.
00:02:15I don't know what you're laughing at. It's a great vehicle. You jump on the freeway and punch you, and it goes...
00:02:23And when you can drive underneath an 18-wheeler and go, that is really dirty, and drive back out...
00:02:33That is just too damn small.
00:02:40It is kind of cool when you go to the gas pump to fill up, because in one tank you've driven, like, 2,000 or 3,000 miles, and you go and fill up, and it's like, oh, all done. I'll be damned.
00:02:49Ten cents, that's amazing!
00:02:52Not used to a vehicle like this, so all of ours had big trucks and big SUVs, and the one vehicle I refused to get rid of, I've had it for 10 years, it's paid for, I love this thing, I've taken good care of it.
00:03:02I know it's not politically correct to drive it anymore, but I don't care, it's the H1 Hummer, the real one, the big one, the military one.
00:03:08Oh, yeah.
00:03:10All right.
00:03:13Oh, I love this thing, it has a 38-gallon tank.
00:03:17Gets seven miles to the gallon.
00:03:21Diesel, where I live at its peak, was $3.84 a gallon.
00:03:26Yeah, I went to fill it up that week, it wasn't even empty, it cost me $148.
00:03:32I pushed the vehicle home, as it rolled into the driveway, I called my kids out, and I said,
00:03:39girls, look at our new front yard ornament.
00:03:43Get in the Prius.
00:03:46You suck that.
00:03:48I used to pick Priuses out of the grill of my Hummer.
00:03:53During the holidays last year, we had to take the Hummer to get a little maintenance done on it,
00:04:03and then we went to pick it up when it was finished, and we're driving home, and my wife is behind me,
00:04:07she's driving the Hummer, I'm in front, I'm driving the Prius.
00:04:09I was tricked somehow, I don't know how that happened.
00:04:11But she calls me on the cell phone, and she's laughing.
00:04:16Let me explain to you why.
00:04:18The Prius that we own is not a black Prius, it's not a red Prius, it's a blue Prius.
00:04:22But it's not really a blue Prius, it's more of a blue Prius.
00:04:29Yeah, it's pretty.
00:04:33Sparkly!
00:04:33I did that a little too well, didn't I?
00:04:51And also while I'm driving, I'm holding in my left arm my wife's three-pound chihuahua.
00:05:00And you have to hold this dog when you're driving,
00:05:02and otherwise it'll fall down between the seats and you're like,
00:05:04where the hell is this dog?
00:05:07Oh, there you are, let me put down the parking brake,
00:05:09that'll hold you, you little bastard.
00:05:15Oh, I got a shift.
00:05:16Oh!
00:05:19Oh.
00:05:26That was your head, I'm sorry, I thought it was a little shifty thingy.
00:05:30It's the same size, leather and fur, I don't know the difference,
00:05:33and I thought I was grinding the gears.
00:05:40Thanks for laughing at that, that's the stupidest joke I tell all night, so.
00:05:45And then also that morning, unbeknownst to me,
00:05:47I don't know why I didn't see it, but my children had gone out before me
00:05:49and they'd taken some of those vinyl window holiday decorations
00:05:52and they'd put them all over the back window of the Prius.
00:05:54There was Christmas trees and Santa Claus and snowflakes,
00:05:58and it was so pretty.
00:06:01My wife calls me, she's laughing hysterically,
00:06:03I'm like, what's so funny?
00:06:04She goes, can you see yourselves?
00:06:07I'm like, what?
00:06:07She goes, you're driving a powder blue Prius,
00:06:10you're holding a three-pound chihuahua,
00:06:13there's pretty Christmas decorations all over your car,
00:06:15and you make a living with dolls, you're gay!
00:06:18Click.
00:06:18And I'm like, bitch, click.
00:06:35And a chihuahua, that's my wife's idea of the family pet.
00:06:43The dog I picked out for us is Bill, our golden retriever.
00:06:46He's 80 pounds, now that is a dog, ladies and gentlemen.
00:06:53Anyway, I named him Bill
00:06:55because I got him when Clinton was in office,
00:06:57and as a puppy, he was humping everything.
00:07:06But when it comes to dogs, the big ones, the little ones,
00:07:09I have criteria for what is and is not a dog.
00:07:11Here's what is not a dog.
00:07:13Anything that bounces when it barks.
00:07:16Not a dog.
00:07:21Anything I can easily dropkick over my back fence.
00:07:25Not a dog.
00:07:26Anything that's regularly terrified by a running leaf.
00:07:31Not a dog, it's a yapping beanie baby, that's what that is.
00:07:35It's the Richard Simmons of canines, that's all I'm saying.
00:07:37Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep
00:08:07I figured out size does matter in the canine brain.
00:08:10Bill, golden retriever, very smart animal.
00:08:12When he was a puppy and I had to potty train him,
00:08:14if he pooped on the liverman carpet, I stuck his nose in it.
00:08:17Three times later, he figured out,
00:08:18ooh, I'm not supposed to crap here.
00:08:21Next two dogs, same thing.
00:08:22Now the little brain-dead chihuahua comes along.
00:08:25She poops on the liverman carpet,
00:08:26I stick her nose in it.
00:08:28Three times later, she thinks,
00:08:29ooh, I'm not supposed to crap ever.
00:08:37And that's why they shake.
00:08:54Another way that chihuahua proved her lack of intelligence,
00:08:56most dogs know when you find a stick in the yard
00:08:58and you put it in your mouth when you run with it,
00:09:00you put the stick in your mouth sideways.
00:09:02I am not kidding.
00:09:07This little idiot dog
00:09:09found a stick about as long as she was.
00:09:11She stuck it in her mouth to run with it,
00:09:13but it was sticking straight out in the front.
00:09:15This is all true.
00:09:16We're all sitting on the couch watching TV.
00:09:18She comes running through the house as fast as she can.
00:09:20That stick sticking straight out.
00:09:22And as she runs across the carpet in front of us,
00:09:24for some reason, she decided to quickly look down.
00:09:29Oh yeah, stick stuck in the carpet,
00:09:31crammed down her throat with momentum.
00:09:32She actually pole vaulted over the stick.
00:09:46Of course, my wife and my girls were like,
00:09:48I couldn't breathe.
00:09:51I was laughing so hard.
00:09:54And then I thought, damn,
00:09:55she's been going just a little faster.
00:09:57I'd have a new puppet, a chihuahua on a stick.
00:10:01Yeah, my wife started going nuts
00:10:13with the chihuahua thing, though.
00:10:15Her little chihuahua, she named Darby.
00:10:17And after about a year and a half
00:10:18of having a little Darby,
00:10:19my wife decided it was time to breed the dog.
00:10:22So my wife got on the internet
00:10:23and found the three-pound stud chihuahua.
00:10:28I don't know how you call anything
00:10:29that's three pounds a stud.
00:10:31But we went and picked up a little Jake.
00:10:33He was for sale,
00:10:34and the owner just wanted to get rid of him.
00:10:36So Jake came to live at our house.
00:10:37He was full-grown and ready to go.
00:10:39And not long after that, Darby came in heat.
00:10:41Not long after that,
00:10:42we had three tiny little chihuahua puppies.
00:10:45The two larger ones my wife gave away.
00:10:47But the runt of the litter,
00:10:49the runt from two three-pound dogs,
00:10:52we decided to keep.
00:10:54Little Rusty is now full-grown.
00:10:56He's a whopping 1.8 pounds.
00:11:00And the cool part is,
00:11:01he and 80-pound Bill are best friends.
00:11:04I don't know how you can be best friends
00:11:06with someone who's the same size as your poop.
00:11:08My kids question whether I'm funny or not.
00:11:20I pointed that out in the backyard one day.
00:11:22I'm a comedy genius to them now, as you know.
00:11:26But the other cool part is,
00:11:28little Rusty picked me over everyone else
00:11:30in the family to bond with.
00:11:31He likes me best, we don't know why.
00:11:33But I kind of like it.
00:11:34I come home, and he runs to the front door,
00:11:36and I pick him up.
00:11:36I take him to my office.
00:11:37I have a little stuffed car.
00:11:39I sit on my desk, and he sits in that car.
00:11:42If he sits just right,
00:11:43it looks like he's driving around my desk.
00:11:46People walk in my office, and they go,
00:11:47Oh, it's a rat.
00:11:48Oh, it's your dog.
00:11:53But the bond between Rusty and me
00:11:55has gone beyond just companionship.
00:11:58There's an emotional bond there.
00:12:00Now, what I'm about to tell you
00:12:01has happened five different times,
00:12:02so it can't be coincidence.
00:12:04Now, the three chihuahuas sleep in the bed
00:12:06with my wife and me.
00:12:07And every once in a while,
00:12:08my wife and I will get in an argument.
00:12:10We'll go to bed angry.
00:12:11I know you're not supposed to do that,
00:12:12but we're tired.
00:12:15Little Rusty hears the argument.
00:12:17He knows we're not happy with each other,
00:12:18and apparently he takes my side,
00:12:20because at three or four in the morning,
00:12:22he will wake up and pee on my wife.
00:12:23I am not kidding.
00:12:38It's the greatest thing ever!
00:12:41I have the satisfaction to know,
00:12:43and if I go to bed angry with my wife,
00:12:45it's going to be taken care of.
00:12:46This is all absolutely true.
00:12:53And about a month ago,
00:12:53I had to get up early for an East Coast flight.
00:12:56I had to get up at, like, 3.30,
00:12:57and my wife and I, we'd argued the night before.
00:12:59I wake up, I'm still mad at her.
00:13:014 a.m., I'm getting ready to walk out the front door,
00:13:02and I think, you know, I still love her.
00:13:04I got to go kiss her.
00:13:05So I walk over, and I put my hand on her.
00:13:06I'm like, Rusty, my man!
00:13:08It's still warm.
00:13:14She hasn't woken up yet.
00:13:16I lean over, and I kiss her.
00:13:17I go, honey, I love you.
00:13:18See you later.
00:13:18Rusty pissed on you.
00:13:19Bye!
00:13:21Rusty's at the end of the bed just wagging his tail.
00:13:25I'm walking out the front door thinking,
00:13:26oh, boy, I hope he doesn't teach Bill to do that.
00:13:34We have three daughters.
00:13:35They are 9, 11, and 15 years of age,
00:13:37and they've had pretty normal childhoods.
00:13:39Most of the things have been just great.
00:13:41Some things have been slightly different
00:13:43because of the ventriloquism.
00:13:44For example, their Barbie dolls actually speak.
00:13:49Not when Mommy's around.
00:13:56Kim, you smell like beer and cigarettes.
00:14:01No, I'm a lot of fun to hang around
00:14:03towards the restaurant Christmas time.
00:14:05Little boys have been known to run to their parents.
00:14:08Mommy, you know what that G.I. Joe just said to me?
00:14:15They will never catch me.
00:14:18Yeah, we try and take family walks as often as possible.
00:14:21On these walks, we always let one kid pick out one dog.
00:14:24One particular evening,
00:14:25we let little Kenna, the 9-year-old, choose.
00:14:27And Kenna seems to be, I don't know,
00:14:29she's got some sort of real twisted sense of humor.
00:14:33We don't know where that came from.
00:14:37But also on these walks, of course, we have a leash.
00:14:39And this is one of those big self-retracting leashes
00:14:42where you push the button and it quickly retracts.
00:14:45Don't beat me to the funny part here.
00:14:49So I walk out the front door.
00:14:51I think I'm going to be the first one there.
00:14:52But Kenna is out front already.
00:14:53And she has a little Darby hooked up to that leash.
00:14:56And she's about two feet away.
00:14:57And Kenna keeps pushing the button and letting it up.
00:14:59Little Darby's going,
00:15:00I'm like, Kenna, what are you doing?
00:15:03She goes, I'm trying to make her heal automatically.
00:15:08I'm like, Kenna, it doesn't work.
00:15:10I already tried it.
00:15:12High five.
00:15:14Now we're out in the middle of the walk
00:15:16and Kenna has a little dog at full extension,
00:15:1830 or 40 feet on the leash.
00:15:19And apparently she hasn't given up
00:15:20on whatever she's trying to do.
00:15:22Because as we're walking,
00:15:23she keeps pushing the button and letting it up.
00:15:25Looking at the dog, looking at the leash.
00:15:26I see the wheels and her head turning.
00:15:29And I'm thinking,
00:15:30what is this twisted little child going to do?
00:15:33And then as we're walking,
00:15:34she pushed the button and quickly and on purpose
00:15:36dropped the leash.
00:15:42Do you see the brilliance here?
00:15:45The leash then began to chase the chihuahua.
00:15:49Big hunk of black plastic skidding across the pavements.
00:16:05The chihuahua stopped.
00:16:07She heard a new noise.
00:16:09She looked behind her.
00:16:10Here comes the leash.
00:16:11I will say at this point,
00:16:13the chihuahua was smart enough to know
00:16:14that now would be a good time to panic.
00:16:18She took off like a frickin' bullet
00:16:19down the middle of the street,
00:16:20running as fast as she could.
00:16:22But the leash was slightly faster.
00:16:27I'm standing there going,
00:16:28where's the video camera?
00:16:30We could win 10,000 bucks.
00:16:32Watch what happens.
00:16:33And sure enough,
00:16:35of course,
00:16:39my wife and my two oldest girls,
00:16:40Kenna and I are rolling in the lawn.
00:16:55I'm high-firing at her,
00:16:56telling her she's a genius.
00:16:58Mommy turns around,
00:16:59sees us laughing.
00:17:00I'm like, oh crap,
00:17:00don't look her in the eye.
00:17:01Look straight down and back away slowly.
00:17:03like, Rusty will piss on her later.
00:17:15Well, ladies and gentlemen,
00:17:16you are just an awesome audience
00:17:18and we are going to have some fun.
00:17:19How about if we get to the people
00:17:20you came to see tonight?
00:17:21How about that?
00:17:29The first guy I'd like to introduce to you,
00:17:31I think audiences enjoy
00:17:32because everyone knows someone like this.
00:17:34You know someone like this
00:17:35in your own family
00:17:36or where you work.
00:17:37Please help me welcome
00:17:37my old friend, Walter.
00:17:38Oh, get a life.
00:18:00Oh, get a life.
00:18:04How are you doing, Walter?
00:18:10What the hell happened to your hair?
00:18:13Looks like you're in a freaking car wreck.
00:18:16Well, they said it makes me look hip.
00:18:18I think it makes you look homeless.
00:18:22You've been in D.C. for two days
00:18:23and you're already freaking homeless.
00:18:25Holy crap.
00:18:28Come on, Walter,
00:18:28do you like being in D.C.?
00:18:30Oh, yeah, there's nothing quite like being mugged
00:18:32in our nation's capital.
00:18:36Come on, there's a lot of excitement
00:18:38that goes on here in Washington, D.C.
00:18:39Oh, I know, yeah.
00:18:40What happens in D.C.
00:18:42stays on YouTube.
00:18:43So you're saying you don't like being in D.C.?
00:18:55Oh, no, I like it.
00:18:56I get screwed on my taxes every year,
00:18:58so it's fun to come visit the source.
00:19:05What'd you do for fun today?
00:19:06I stood in front of the IRS building
00:19:09and just flipped them off.
00:19:10Did you go to the White House?
00:19:21Oh, yeah, that's where the most powerful man
00:19:23in the free world lives.
00:19:25Ultra?
00:19:35What's wrong with you tonight?
00:19:36I don't know.
00:19:37I'm just pissed.
00:19:38I don't want to go home.
00:19:41Why not?
00:19:42I think my house is haunted.
00:19:45Why do you think that?
00:19:46My wife is there.
00:19:54I walk in the front door
00:19:55and all I hear is,
00:19:56get out.
00:20:03You guys got another argument
00:20:04on the phone today, didn't you?
00:20:05Oh, you heard a little bit of that, did you?
00:20:07Oh, yeah.
00:20:07Yeah.
00:20:08I hung up on her.
00:20:09Not good.
00:20:09No.
00:20:10She called right back and she goes,
00:20:11did you hang up on me?
00:20:13I said, I don't know,
00:20:14it sounds something like this, click.
00:20:23Did that make her angry?
00:20:25Oh, I felt a disturbance in the force.
00:20:30You ever made it that mad
00:20:31when you're standing right in front of her?
00:20:32Oh, yeah.
00:20:32Yeah, what'd you do?
00:20:33Well, my mother always told me
00:20:35when you're in a gym
00:20:36and don't know what to do,
00:20:37you should think,
00:20:38what would Jesus do?
00:20:40So I tried to turn her into a fish.
00:20:46I stood there going,
00:20:48leave on, Satan!
00:20:49Hello, Shamu!
00:20:58Well, at least Shamu has only one blowhole.
00:21:01Oh!
00:21:11Ah, screw you,
00:21:12that was funny.
00:21:13Look, it's the T.I.A.
00:21:30I see you!
00:21:37We can all see you!
00:21:39You know, the show looks a lot better
00:21:47from the front.
00:21:50Is the director drunk?
00:21:52What the hell?
00:22:07Holy crap!
00:22:08Wait, come back!
00:22:19Come back!
00:22:19Let me see you in there!
00:22:21This is Comedy Central!
00:22:22I can see Cartman!
00:22:26I can see Kenny!
00:22:28Oh, he just got killed.
00:22:30Oh!
00:22:30He just got killed.
00:22:32So, Walt, you guys have been married a long time.
00:22:44Oh, yeah.
00:22:44Ups and downs in every marriage.
00:22:45You ever been to any marriage counseling?
00:22:48Yes!
00:22:49What'd that do for you?
00:22:50Look at me.
00:22:54I'm happy.
00:22:55Come on, what were the results of the counseling?
00:22:59Well, at the end of it all, there were two folks who thought I was an ass.
00:23:05And I'm paying both of them.
00:23:06But you are happy to be here.
00:23:11Oh, sure.
00:23:12Better than last week.
00:23:13Last week, yeah.
00:23:14Fort Lauderdale, Florida.
00:23:15We were there.
00:23:15You didn't like that?
00:23:16No.
00:23:16Why not?
00:23:17Everyone in Fort Lauderdale, Florida looks exactly like me.
00:23:31I swear it's like one giant nursing home.
00:23:35Wasn't that Fort Lauderdale where they tape a lot of those Girls Gone Wild videos?
00:23:38Well, that's only during spring break.
00:23:40Oh, the rest of the time, it's Girls Gone Saggy.
00:23:42And then it's Girls Gone Senile.
00:23:49And then it's just Girls Gone.
00:23:54You didn't like the weather there either.
00:23:56Oh, my God.
00:23:57Even in the middle of the winter, it's humid as hell and hot as hell.
00:24:02We got there.
00:24:03I took a shower on Monday.
00:24:05Friday's still not dry.
00:24:08I swear, I threw moss on my ass.
00:24:12Yeah, you said the weather changes too quickly.
00:24:20Yeah, I know it changes fast everywhere else in the country.
00:24:23But in Florida, it's ridiculous.
00:24:25What are you talking about?
00:24:25Oh, my God.
00:24:26I was standing there on the beach in the sunshine having a little iced tea.
00:24:31I looked over and I go, ooh, look, a little cloud.
00:24:34About three minutes later.
00:24:35The locals are hanging on to the palm trees.
00:24:44We love it here.
00:24:47You dumbasses.
00:24:48I say, leave it to the Cubans and get the hell out.
00:25:04All right, so you want someplace a little cooler.
00:25:06Yeah, do you remember we went to Green Bay, Wisconsin?
00:25:08Yeah, in February, it was negative 20 with a negative 30 wind chill.
00:25:15I'd get on stage every night and I'd say, you people are idiots.
00:25:21Did you know the borders are open?
00:25:26Pack up your suburban and get the hell out.
00:25:29And another thing, Green Bay Packers Stadium.
00:25:32What's it called?
00:25:32Lambeau Field.
00:25:33Lambeau Field, no roof.
00:25:36Hello.
00:25:39How many weekends during football season is good weather in Green Bay?
00:25:43That would be none.
00:25:46Note to self, build a freaking roof.
00:25:51We have the technology.
00:25:56Yeah, you're talking to the locals in Green Bay, what do they say?
00:25:59We love it here.
00:26:05We're a hearty people.
00:26:09Bunch of frozen dumbasses.
00:26:10All right, Walter, what about, you don't like the humidity, you don't like the extreme cold,
00:26:17you want someplace warmer and drier.
00:26:19Yeah.
00:26:19How about when we, see, in August, we were in Phoenix.
00:26:22August in Phoenix, Arizona.
00:26:25Your agent is a moron.
00:26:28It was 112, three days in a row.
00:26:35What do all the locals say?
00:26:37But it's a dry heat.
00:26:40Screw you.
00:26:50Bonfire is a dry heat.
00:26:53You don't see me sticking my ass in one of those, do you?
00:26:55Your ass is on fire.
00:26:58It's a dry heat.
00:27:02I was in Florida.
00:27:03I've got to burn out the freaking moss.
00:27:11All right, did you enjoy being in New York City?
00:27:13Oh, I love New York City.
00:27:15Good.
00:27:15Yeah, it was great.
00:27:16We'd do shows in Manhattan.
00:27:17About midnight, we'd get back to the hotel.
00:27:191 a.m.
00:27:20I'd lay my head on the pillow and listen to the sounds of the city.
00:27:24Woo-hoo!
00:27:25I love them!
00:27:26Ah!
00:27:32Oh, my God!
00:27:35The city that never sleeps.
00:27:36Well, it needs a freaking nap.
00:27:37Walter, you have effectively eliminated about every corner of the country.
00:27:43Yeah, what about where we live?
00:27:44People love the weather in Southern California.
00:27:46Yeah, but at least with Florida and hurricanes, you got a little notice.
00:27:50What?
00:27:51You turn on the news and say,
00:27:52You have three days to get the hell out!
00:27:54So?
00:27:55Well, in L.A., we got earthquakes.
00:27:57Yeah?
00:27:57We don't know jack.
00:27:58One morning, you could be sitting on the toilet, and all of a sudden,
00:28:02Ah!
00:28:06There's crap flying around the house.
00:28:09Ah!
00:28:10We love it here!
00:28:13Ah!
00:28:14Ah!
00:28:14You're a dumbass, too.
00:28:30Remember that last big earthquake we had?
00:28:33Sure.
00:28:33Bad timing on that earthquake.
00:28:35How's that?
00:28:36Not two seconds before it hit, I told my grandson to pull my finger.
00:28:39Ah!
00:28:40Ah!
00:28:42Ah!
00:28:44He pulled it out, farted, and half-neighborhood fell down.
00:28:57That kid hasn't come near me since.
00:29:02Other day, I cracked my knuckles, and he dove under the couch.
00:29:07Ah!
00:29:07Ah!
00:29:07Ah!
00:29:07Ah!
00:29:08Ah!
00:29:08Ah!
00:29:08Ah!
00:29:09Ah!
00:29:09Ah!
00:29:09Ah!
00:29:10Ah!
00:29:10Ah!
00:29:11Ah!
00:29:11Ah!
00:29:12Ah!
00:29:12Ah!
00:29:13Ah!
00:29:13Ah!
00:29:14Ah!
00:29:14Ah!
00:29:15Ah!
00:29:26What was that?
00:29:27Ah!
00:29:27Well, we're in D.C.
00:29:29That was a veto.
00:29:30Ah!
00:29:30Ah!
00:29:30Ah!
00:29:31Ah!
00:29:31Ah!
00:29:32Ah!
00:29:32Ah!
00:29:32Ah!
00:29:33Ah!
00:29:33Ah!
00:29:33Ah!
00:29:34Ah!
00:29:34Ah!
00:29:34Ah!
00:29:35Ah!
00:29:35Ah!
00:29:37Ah!
00:29:37Ah!
00:29:38Ah!
00:29:39Ah!
00:29:39Ah!
00:29:40You know, Walter, I listened to you with all this.
00:29:42I get the feeling we're travelling too much.
00:29:44Oh, you think?
00:29:46Why don't you like getting on airplanes?
00:29:47I'm your carry-on, for God's sakes.
00:29:50I go in the x-ray machine.
00:29:52Oh, I'm going to have cancer tonight.
00:29:55Tell them what happened to Chicago's O'Hare.
00:29:57Oh, yeah, we're going through the airport there.
00:29:59I come out the other side of the x-ray.
00:30:01I hear the guy say to Jeff,
00:30:02Sir, I've got to look inside your suitcase.
00:30:05I'm lying there thinking, ah, crap, here we go.
00:30:07This is all true.
00:30:08Jeff's standing there, they've got Hilton's case.
00:30:10I hopped up and I go, hey, shut the damn door.
00:30:21Scared the crap out of the guy.
00:30:24Then I thought about it for a second and I said,
00:30:26I do not want to go to Los Angeles.
00:30:37And what happened?
00:30:38We were detained.
00:30:40And bastards have no sense of humor.
00:30:46Oh, Walter, they have to be tied on security these days.
00:30:49I know, cause they're terrorist threats and all that crap.
00:30:51Yeah.
00:30:52There's one group of folks I don't understand at all.
00:30:54Who's that?
00:30:54Damn suicide bombers.
00:30:56Oh, good God, what the hell is this?
00:30:58Well, way to go, Habib.
00:31:10Bet you can't frickin' do it again.
00:31:12You know, Walter, those guys actually believe that if they martyr themselves like that, there'll be 72 virgins waiting for him in paradise.
00:31:35Well, ain't no fool, dumbass.
00:31:43If there are virgins waiting for you, it'll be 72 guys just like you.
00:31:48Oh, no, this is not what the song has said.
00:31:53It would be 72 virgins.
00:32:06Why not 72 slutty broads?
00:32:07Who know what the hell they're doing?
00:32:09Who know what the song has said?
00:32:27il a longer fuse
00:32:31i wonder if they pull that joke on each other every once in a while
00:32:38what joke
00:32:40what the
00:32:47Oh, did you see Jameel's face?
00:33:04It's gone now, but did you see his face?
00:33:1372 virgins, sounds like a punishment to me.
00:33:16What do you mean?
00:33:18I got to teach 72 women how to have sex?
00:33:20Oh, my God.
00:33:23Hope there's no Viagra in heaven.
00:33:27Why, impotence is God's way of helping a man like me to just say no.
00:33:38Hell, if I take Viagra just to help to keep me from rolling out of bed.
00:33:46Did you get that one?
00:33:54She got it.
00:33:57It's a kickstand joke.
00:33:59What are you shaking your head at?
00:34:08Well, you got a good love life?
00:34:10Sure.
00:34:10Good sex life?
00:34:12Yeah.
00:34:12With your wife?
00:34:16Yes.
00:34:16Good for her, too?
00:34:18Yeah.
00:34:18How do you know?
00:34:24What?
00:34:25How do you know?
00:34:29We're waiting.
00:34:30Well, um, sometimes she calls me the, the hurricane.
00:34:39The what?
00:34:42The hurricane.
00:34:44Oh, yeah, I get it.
00:34:45Exciting at first, then it ends in disaster.
00:34:47You know, maybe she should call you FEMA.
00:35:03And what does that mean?
00:35:04Slow to respond and not a lot of satisfying results.
00:35:12You know, Walter, you should know.
00:35:13How long have you been married?
00:35:14Uh, 47 years.
00:35:16That's amazing.
00:35:17Yeah, I know, that old bitch will never die.
00:35:22How long have you been married?
00:35:2317 years.
00:35:24Oh, that's pretty good.
00:35:25How you do it?
00:35:26Well, uh, how do I do it?
00:35:27Well, you know, I learned a long time ago that every couple argues.
00:35:31Of course.
00:35:31And I learned that when we're in the middle of a big argument,
00:35:34I just stop and think of something completely different
00:35:37that takes my mind off it and I don't stay angry as long.
00:35:40Oh.
00:35:40So you just think of something completely different.
00:35:42Right.
00:35:42Like what?
00:35:43Well, I don't know.
00:35:44If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
00:35:47Choke a smurf.
00:36:03Right.
00:36:04Is that what they're calling it now?
00:36:06What the hell happened to the chicken?
00:36:22Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk!
00:36:22Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk
00:36:52No
00:36:53Damn it
00:36:55Well marriage is supposed to be forever
00:36:58Yeah and this one's taking too damn long
00:37:00Marriage is an institution
00:37:03So is Alcatraz
00:37:05You can't compare marriage to prison
00:37:09Yeah I guess you're right
00:37:10The warden doesn't max out your credit cards
00:37:12You know what she got me the other day?
00:37:16What some of that spray on hair crap in a can
00:37:18Did you use it?
00:37:20Yeah on your chihuahua
00:37:21Turn it into a shit zoo
00:37:28You know your birthday wasn't too long ago
00:37:33Did your wife get you anything?
00:37:34Yeah she got me a look on reincarnation
00:37:36Oh do you believe in reincarnation?
00:37:38Hell I don't know
00:37:39Well if it happens who would you come back as
00:37:40What would you do?
00:37:41I'd come back as my wife and leave me the hell alone
00:37:44Walter you pick on her all the time
00:37:51Yeah I know
00:37:52Maybe one day I'll be reincarnated
00:37:54And come back as a sensitive guy
00:37:57Sure
00:37:57Driving a blue frickin' Prius
00:37:59That is the saddest little vehicle
00:38:12It's a great car
00:38:15You ever heard it when you drive by?
00:38:16No
00:38:17It goes
00:38:17I'm gay
00:38:19I'm gay
00:38:19I'm gay
00:38:27Yeah when it idles it goes
00:38:33Hey is that a new watch?
00:38:43No I've had that a long time
00:38:44Oh
00:38:44I wonder a long time ago you had that rubber plastic watch
00:38:48Had a funny name
00:38:49Ugly looking thing
00:38:50That was years ago
00:38:51How do you remember that?
00:38:52That was when I was in college
00:38:53They were popular then
00:38:54I think they might be coming back
00:38:55It was called a Swatch
00:38:56A what?
00:38:57A Swatch
00:38:58What the hell is a Swatch?
00:39:00I don't know
00:39:00Some company in Switzerland invented that kind of watch
00:39:02So they called it a Swatch
00:39:03Oh
00:39:04Good thing they weren't in Croatia
00:39:06What time is it?
00:39:18Gee I don't know
00:39:19Let me look up my crotch
00:39:20Sorry I'm leaving my crotch is a little slow
00:39:28Yeah it's like a time mix
00:39:32It takes a lit Walter
00:39:33And that's Walter
00:39:35There we go
00:39:36Thank you
00:39:52You know ladies and gentlemen
00:39:54As we all know
00:39:55There's a big mess going on in the Middle East right now
00:39:57And when it comes to the terrorists
00:39:59Most of us don't understand their extremist views and beliefs
00:40:02And I got to thinking the other day
00:40:04How would it be just to sit down and talk to one of those guys?
00:40:15We have that very opportunity tonight
00:40:18Please help me welcome Ahmed the Dead Terrorist
00:40:21Good evening Ahmed
00:40:46Good evening
00:40:47Infidel
00:40:49Infidel
00:40:50So you're a terrorist
00:40:53Yes
00:40:54I am a terrorist
00:40:55What kind of terrorist?
00:40:58A terrifying
00:40:59Terrorist
00:41:02Are you scared?
00:41:06Not really no
00:41:08And no?
00:41:13Not really no
00:41:14How about now?
00:41:21No?
00:41:22God damn it
00:41:22Oh
00:41:25Oh
00:41:25I mean
00:41:28Allah damn it
00:41:30Silence
00:41:33I kill you
00:41:35I kill you
00:41:59How do you
00:42:08How do you spell it?
00:42:09How do you spell your name?
00:42:14Oh
00:42:14Let's see
00:42:14A
00:42:15C
00:42:17Phlegm
00:42:20Silence
00:42:25So Ahmed if you're a terrorist I would suppose you have some sort of specialty
00:42:40Yes
00:42:40I am a suicide bomber
00:42:42Ah
00:42:43So you're finished
00:42:44What?
00:42:47You've done your job
00:42:48No I haven't
00:42:49But you're dead
00:42:51No I'm not
00:42:52I feel fine
00:42:54But you're all bone
00:42:57It's a flesh wound
00:42:58Silence
00:43:01I kill you
00:43:03What the hell happened to my feet?
00:43:13Son of a bitch
00:43:13What the hell
00:43:14Oh wait a minute
00:43:16What the hell
00:43:16What are you doing?
00:43:17What the stuff
00:43:17What are you doing?
00:43:19What are you doing?
00:43:19What are you doing?
00:43:19What are you doing?
00:43:20Stop touching me
00:43:21I kill you
00:43:30All right just hold on we'll fix this
00:43:33Okay wait what are you doing?
00:43:34Holy crap I'm in the air
00:43:35Wait wait
00:43:35Wait something is backwards
00:43:37Holy crap
00:43:38I don't
00:43:38I need some ligaments
00:43:41Just sit still
00:43:43Okay
00:43:44I will not move my ass
00:43:46You idiot
00:43:49You don't have an ass
00:43:51Is that water?
00:44:02Yes
00:44:02He scares the crap out of me
00:44:05Please do not put me back in the same suitcase
00:44:10Why?
00:44:11He has gas
00:44:13Saddam's mustard gas
00:44:17Who is nothing compared to a wonter fork
00:44:19It's not funny
00:44:32He will kill us
00:44:35All right listen
00:44:37Ahmed I have something to tell you
00:44:38What?
00:44:39You really are dead
00:44:40Are you sure?
00:44:42Yes
00:44:42I just got my flu shot
00:44:45You really are dead
00:44:48Wait
00:44:48If I'm dead
00:44:49That means I can get my 72 virgins
00:44:52Are you my virgins?
00:44:59I hope not
00:45:00Why?
00:45:02There's a bunch of ugly ass guys out there
00:45:04If this is paradise
00:45:09I've been screwed
00:45:10Well did they say it would be only female virgins?
00:45:15Holy crap
00:45:16Wait I could have Clay Aiken
00:45:27I told a joke
00:45:36I told a joke
00:45:36All right so listen Ahmed
00:45:39Where did you come from?
00:45:40Your freaking suitcase
00:45:41I told another one
00:45:46Look if you've been in my suitcase all this time
00:45:49How have you been getting through security at the airports?
00:45:51Oh that's easy
00:45:52They open the case and I go
00:45:53Hello
00:45:54I am Lindsay Lohan
00:45:57I told another joke
00:46:05I can do this crap too
00:46:07Okay here's another one
00:46:09Two Jews walk in the bar
00:46:11No
00:46:12No
00:46:13What?
00:46:13No
00:46:14What you don't let Jews in your bar?
00:46:16You racist bastard
00:46:18What I mean is I don't want racist jokes in my act
00:46:23Oh okay
00:46:24How about if I killed the Jews?
00:46:27No
00:46:27I'm kidding
00:46:28I would not kill the Jews
00:46:30No
00:46:30I would toss a penny between them
00:46:32And watch them fight to the death
00:46:34Yes yes
00:46:41I did the same thing with two catholic priests
00:46:43That I tossed in a small boy
00:46:46Yes yes
00:46:53And the winner had to fight Michael Jackson
00:46:56Achmed
00:47:00What?
00:47:01Stop doing this
00:47:02Why you can't tell jokes like that
00:47:03Why not?
00:47:04I'm killing
00:47:05So to speak
00:47:05You can't tell jokes like that
00:47:08Why?
00:47:09It offends people
00:47:09Oh
00:47:10I'm dead
00:47:11What do I care?
00:47:13What do you want me to do?
00:47:14Knock knock jokes?
00:47:16I'd probably be better
00:47:17Okay
00:47:17Knock knock
00:47:18Who's there?
00:47:19Me
00:47:19I kill you
00:47:20So look
00:47:23As a suicide bomber
00:47:24Have you had training?
00:47:25Of course
00:47:25We had the suicide bomber training camp
00:47:28Huh
00:47:28Is that a nice facility?
00:47:30Get used to me
00:47:30What happened?
00:47:34New guy
00:47:34The idiot tried to practice
00:47:38What did you guys learn from that?
00:47:41Location
00:47:42Location
00:47:42Location
00:47:43Do you guys have any kind of motto?
00:47:49Like what?
00:47:49You know like we're looking for a few good men
00:47:51We're looking for some idiots with no future
00:47:53So where do you get your recruits?
00:47:56The suicide hotline
00:47:58That was dark
00:48:06Was it not?
00:48:07Yeah
00:48:07So what exactly happened to you?
00:48:10Huh?
00:48:11What happened?
00:48:12Oh
00:48:12If you must know
00:48:14I am a horrible suicide bomber
00:48:16What happened?
00:48:18I had a premature detonation
00:48:20I set the timer for 30 minutes
00:48:24But it went off in 4 seconds
00:48:26You know what that's like, right?
00:48:37Mr. Hurricane
00:48:39So Ahmed, what exactly happened to you?
00:48:50Well, I was getting gasoline
00:48:52And I answered my cell phone
00:48:53Can you hear me now?
00:48:58At first I thought it was because
00:48:59I went over my ninets
00:49:00That's too bad
00:49:02It's okay
00:49:03I took that Verizon bastard with me
00:49:05So, uh, what's it like to die?
00:49:17Do you see a white light?
00:49:18If you're dumb enough to watch the explosion, yes
00:49:20No, I mean, some people say when they die
00:49:23They see a white light
00:49:24What did you see?
00:49:25I saw flying car parts
00:49:26What was the last thing that went through your mind?
00:49:29My ass
00:49:30Walter told me
00:49:35To tell that joke
00:49:36So you never saw a white light?
00:49:40No, that I saw a blue Prius
00:49:42Don't you really have one of those vehicles yet?
00:49:51Oh, that is not a car
00:49:53That's a lunchbox
00:49:54Did you know
00:49:56When you're going down the highway
00:49:57In a Prius
00:49:58If you put your hand out the window
00:50:00The vehicle will turn
00:50:01You did all this for a bunch of virgins?
00:50:06Are you kidding me?
00:50:07I'd kill you for a Klandite bar
00:50:09So I guess you're Muslim?
00:50:13I don't think so
00:50:14You're not Muslim?
00:50:15No
00:50:16Why?
00:50:16Look on my ass
00:50:17It says Nate in China
00:50:18Walter says
00:50:21I'm just a stinking Halloween decoration
00:50:24So do you like being in D.C.?
00:50:30I think some idiots must live here
00:50:32Why?
00:50:33For example, the Washington Monument
00:50:35Yes?
00:50:36It looks nothing like the guy
00:50:38He looks more like a tribute to Bill Clinton
00:50:44Leaving a bush
00:50:53Oh, I love
00:50:54Oh, you mean the president
00:50:56I'm sorry
00:50:56And that's Ahmed the Dead Terrorist
00:50:59There we go
00:51:00Thank you
00:51:09You know, folks
00:51:11There's never been a better time
00:51:12Than right now in our country
00:51:13To introduce a brand new superhero
00:51:15We have that very thing this evening
00:51:17He's big
00:51:18He's powerful
00:51:19Please help me welcome
00:51:20The superhero
00:51:21Melvin
00:51:23Uh, uh, hi
00:51:35It's good to see you, Melvin
00:51:38Oh, thank you
00:51:39It's, uh, nice being here
00:51:41In our nation's capital
00:51:42So you're a superhero
00:51:44Yes
00:51:45What is your most outstanding feature?
00:51:50My costume
00:51:51It's a very nice costume
00:51:55Thank you
00:51:55Yeah
00:51:55What does the D stand for?
00:51:57Oh, that's my theme song
00:51:58You have a theme song
00:51:59Where's your theme song?
00:52:00Da-da-da-da
00:52:01And where'd you get the costume?
00:52:06That, my friend
00:52:07Is a superhero secret
00:52:09eBay?
00:52:10Damn it
00:52:10How did you deduce that?
00:52:15There's a tag on the back
00:52:16It says eBay
00:52:16It's as plain as the nose on
00:52:17Oops, sorry
00:52:18Alright, so, uh
00:52:21You're a superhero
00:52:22Yes
00:52:22And, uh, do you fight crime?
00:52:24Yes, of course
00:52:25Ah, what kind of crime?
00:52:26The bad kind
00:52:28So what have you done lately?
00:52:30Uh, today
00:52:31I was battling a terrorist
00:52:34Achmed?
00:52:36Yes
00:52:36And what kind of battle?
00:52:40Checkers
00:52:40And every time I'd get a king
00:52:45He'd blow it up
00:52:46So what'd you do?
00:52:50I issued a verbal threat
00:52:52And then Walter gassed him
00:52:54Well, Melvin, do you have any powers?
00:53:06Yes!
00:53:06Really?
00:53:07Uh-huh
00:53:07Like what?
00:53:08I can fly
00:53:09Really?
00:53:09Uh-huh
00:53:10How far?
00:53:11How far can you throw me?
00:53:16Do you have any other powers?
00:53:17X-ray vision
00:53:18Really?
00:53:18Uh-huh
00:53:19Well, can you see through something practical
00:53:21Like clothes?
00:53:22Oh, you're sick
00:53:24Yes
00:53:27I love looking at boobies
00:53:30That's a beautiful pair
00:53:37And a
00:53:37Ah
00:53:38I'm glad I'm wearing loose shorts
00:53:42Oh, I forgot
00:53:47I can't see through silicone
00:53:48What?
00:53:54They're a good one
00:53:54Those are super gooders
00:53:56If she had a theme song
00:53:59It would be ta-ta-ta-ta
00:54:00If she had a costume
00:54:08She'd have two D's on her chest
00:54:10Yeah, I can look
00:54:13But I can't touch
00:54:14Why?
00:54:15I'm lactose intolerant
00:54:16So, Melvin
00:54:20You can fly
00:54:20And you have x-ray vision
00:54:21Yeah
00:54:21Those are the two same powers
00:54:23As Superman
00:54:23Yes
00:54:24Can you stop a speeding bullet?
00:54:27Once
00:54:27Shut up
00:54:33It hurts like hell
00:54:35Can you leap tall buildings
00:54:38In a single bound?
00:54:39Why the hell would I do that?
00:54:41There's not a lot of call for that
00:54:43Superman does that
00:54:45Show off
00:54:47He could avoid all the fuss
00:54:49And just walk around
00:54:50That effing thing
00:54:51I can't curse
00:54:54I think the president should
00:54:57The president?
00:55:00Yeah
00:55:00Think about it
00:55:01We've had the A-bomb
00:55:02We've had the H-bomb
00:55:03Now it's time for him
00:55:05To drop the F-bomb
00:55:06He could go
00:55:16Hey terrorist
00:55:17F-you
00:55:18So about this
00:55:21Like Superman
00:55:22Do you change clothes
00:55:22In a phone booth?
00:55:24What?
00:55:26Superman does that too
00:55:27He's got a lot of issues
00:55:28Doesn't he?
00:55:30You know my wife
00:55:31Met Lois Lane once
00:55:32Really?
00:55:33Yeah she said she acted
00:55:34Like an H-O-R-E
00:55:36You mean a W-H-O-R-E
00:55:40What's a whore?
00:55:44Is that like a Klingon?
00:55:47So you're married
00:55:48Yes
00:55:48Does your wife have any powers?
00:55:50Yes
00:55:50Uh-huh
00:55:51Like what?
00:55:51Well
00:55:52Once a month
00:55:53She becomes evil
00:55:59And I cannot defeat her
00:56:03Our children run in terror
00:56:06Our big dog cowers under the couch
00:56:09You have a big dog?
00:56:11Actually I borrowed your chalala
00:56:13You know Superman has a dog
00:56:16Yeah
00:56:17Crypto
00:56:17Yeah he has all the same powers
00:56:19As Superman
00:56:19That's ridiculous
00:56:20Why?
00:56:21If Crypto sniffs your crotch
00:56:23It'll suck your lungs out
00:56:24Your ass
00:56:25If he hunks your leg
00:56:30You'll be in traction
00:56:31For a year
00:56:32Do you have an arch enemy?
00:56:36Pinocchio
00:56:36Do you have a weakness?
00:56:41Cupcakes
00:56:41And porn
00:56:44Well not at the same time
00:56:49I need a free hand
00:56:53I need a free hand
00:56:53So look
00:57:02When there's a problem Melvin
00:57:04How are you summoned?
00:57:04Oh
00:57:05I'm making a deal with the commissioner
00:57:07To light up the sky
00:57:09With a spotlight of my symbol
00:57:11Ah
00:57:11What's your symbol?
00:57:12A big nose in the sky
00:57:14The trouble is sometimes it doesn't exactly look like a nose
00:57:18It's not a cupcake either
00:57:29So are you friends with other superheroes?
00:57:37Some of them
00:57:37How about Aquaman?
00:57:39Ah no
00:57:40I like Aquaman
00:57:41He can breathe underwater and talk to fish
00:57:42Yeah great
00:57:43He has all the same powers as Spongebob
00:57:46How about the Hulk?
00:57:50Why do you like the Hulk?
00:57:51Well the angrier he gets
00:57:53The stronger he gets
00:57:54Yeah like every white trash guy on Cops
00:57:57I like the Flash
00:58:05He has no powers
00:58:07No he's on meth
00:58:09Catwoman?
00:58:12You know I used to date Catwoman
00:58:14Really?
00:58:15Oh yeah
00:58:15But she gave me something
00:58:17I had to take medicine to get rid of
00:58:19And boy does it itch
00:58:22And now it burns when I fly
00:58:25Da da da da
00:58:28Ah
00:58:28Son of a bitch
00:58:47It's the terrorists I tell you
00:58:52I look like Lex Luthor
00:58:58Can you put it back?
00:59:03Sure
00:59:04Okay
00:59:04There we go
00:59:05What's that?
00:59:08Da da da da
00:59:09That kind of sucked
00:59:19So do superheroes date each other?
00:59:23Yeah
00:59:23We date mortals sometimes too
00:59:26Really?
00:59:26Did you know that Superman
00:59:27Was dating Rosie O'Donnell?
00:59:30I did not know that
00:59:32Yeah he had to quit though
00:59:33Cause she got too big
00:59:34He took her on one flight
00:59:37And threw out his back
00:59:39Kind of embarrassing
00:59:42When you're flying a girl
00:59:43Around Metropolis
00:59:44And your feet are still
00:59:45Dragging the sidewalk
00:59:46Da da da da
00:59:54This looks like a job for SlimFast
00:59:59Alright one last guy
01:00:04How about Batman?
01:00:06Oh
01:00:06What?
01:00:07A grown man in a rubber suit
01:00:09Running around with a young boy
01:00:11I don't have to have x-ray vision
01:00:13To see what the hell's going on there
01:00:15Yeah I've always kind of wondered
01:00:18About some of these superheroes
01:00:19And their young men sidekicks
01:00:20You have five men in a suitcase
01:00:28And one of them's on a stick
01:00:32Who's sliding down the proverbial bat pole now?
01:00:47If you had a theme song
01:00:48It would be
01:00:49La la la la
01:00:50You know I have a wife and kids
01:00:55So does Tom Cruise
01:00:56And that's Melvin the superhero
01:01:01There we go
01:01:02Thank you
01:01:08Thank you
01:01:11Thank you so much
01:01:17Well ladies and gentlemen
01:01:20If you've seen my show before
01:01:21You'll recognize this next guy
01:01:22Please help me welcome my buddy
01:01:24Peanut
01:01:24How you doing peanut?
01:01:38How you doing?
01:01:38How you doing?
01:01:38How about you?
01:01:39I'm fine
01:01:39That's good
01:01:40That's good
01:01:40That's good
01:01:40That's good
01:01:41That's good
01:01:41So you like it here
01:01:45Oh I love being in DC
01:01:47DC
01:01:49It's great
01:01:52And I love this theater
01:01:53The Warner Theater
01:01:54It's fantastic
01:01:55They have a cool website
01:01:56Right
01:01:57They've got a link to our website
01:01:58Which is just on ham.com
01:02:00And I think it pulled it
01:02:01I think that peanut
01:02:02Stop
01:02:02Stop
01:02:02Stop
01:02:03Stop
01:02:03Stop
01:02:04What?
01:02:06What the hell is wrong with you?
01:02:09We cannot talk at the same time
01:02:11I talk
01:02:20You talk
01:02:20I talk
01:02:21You talk
01:02:21That's it
01:02:21Focus
01:02:23I am so sick of this crap
01:02:32I have tried going solo
01:02:35What happened?
01:02:37Kept falling off this freaking thing
01:02:39And I tried
01:02:39Why did you interrupt me?
01:02:44You mispronounced my name
01:02:45What?
01:02:45You mispronounced my last name
01:02:46I know
01:02:47It's Dunham
01:02:49Now when you look at it
01:02:50It says Dunham
01:02:51Just Dunham
01:02:52Ham
01:02:54You're the other white knee
01:02:57Don't confuse everyone
01:03:04It's Dunham
01:03:05It says Dunham
01:03:06Ham
01:03:06Ham
01:03:06Ham
01:03:06Ham
01:03:07Ham
01:03:07Ham
01:03:08Ham
01:03:09Ham
01:03:10Ham
01:03:11Ham
01:03:12Ham
01:03:13Ham
01:03:14Ham
01:03:15Ham
01:03:16Ham
01:03:17Ham
01:03:18Ham
01:03:19Ham
01:03:20Ham
01:03:21Ham
01:03:22Ham
01:03:23Ham
01:03:24Ham
01:03:25Ham
01:03:26Et vous savez, alors quand je pense que c'était en plus de seconde, c'est en fait
01:03:33je-fuh-fuh tu l'ho.
01:03:36Dot com !
01:03:37Et moi, je-fuh-fuh, vous utilisez un unneeded F.
01:03:43Je-fuh-fuh.
01:03:46Ton-ho.
01:03:49Dot com !
01:03:50Am I pissing you off, Tha Tha?
01:04:09Tha Tha Tha!
01:04:11Tha Tha Tha!
01:04:13Tha Tha!
01:04:14You know the weird part is I am actually pissing him off.
01:04:22And he would like to kill me!
01:04:24But he will not, because that would be a form of suicide.
01:04:31He want to kill me?
01:04:32No. I don't, yes, you do?
01:04:33No. Yes, no. Yes no. Yes no.
01:04:34Search your feelings, Shafafafaa.
01:04:36Sous-titrage Société Radio-Canada
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01:11:30On stage had slept with your wife
01:11:33When you're working
01:11:37Having a great time
01:11:38That's me
01:11:39When you're pissed off
01:11:41And lying there thinking
01:11:42Why did I marry this broad
01:11:44That's Walter
01:11:45When you're so angry
01:11:48You want to kill her
01:11:49That's Ahmed
01:11:50And what is Jose Jalapeno on a stick
01:11:54You're a sick man
01:11:56And here he is
01:11:59Jose Jalapeno
01:12:01Good evening Jose
01:12:14Hola Senor Heth
01:12:16It's good to see you
01:12:19Gracias Senor Heth
01:12:20Excuse me, what?
01:12:21Who the hell is Heth?
01:12:23He said Jeff
01:12:24No, he said Heth
01:12:25It's the same thing
01:12:26No, it's not
01:12:28Jose, what'd you say?
01:12:31I say Senor Heth
01:12:32What the fu-
01:12:33Now I said Heth
01:12:34It's all the same
01:12:37Wait, didn't you watch
01:12:38Sesame Street?
01:12:40Jeff is Jeff
01:12:41Heth is Heth
01:12:42And Heth is Heth
01:12:43One of these things
01:12:45Just doesn't belong here
01:12:47Tonight's show is sponsored by the sound
01:12:58I'm sorry, Jose
01:13:02It's okay
01:13:03Okay
01:13:03He's an idiot
01:13:04You're on a stick
01:13:07You're on a stick
01:13:07Stick-a-cough
01:13:08Juff-a-fong
01:13:10Ha-ha-ha
01:13:12I have a question for Josie
01:13:18My name is Jose
01:13:28Oh, I'm sorry
01:13:30I thought we were in America
01:13:32Speaking frickin' English
01:13:33But I didn't see the little
01:13:37Over the E
01:13:39Which magically changes
01:13:41Josie into frickin' Jose
01:13:43And I didn't see the
01:13:46Over the N
01:13:47Which changes
01:13:47Jalapeno
01:13:48Into Jalapeno
01:13:50So the N over the N
01:13:52And the Ch over the E
01:13:53Two keys
01:13:55I can never frickin' find
01:13:56On a frickin' keyboard
01:13:58Apparently it's a secret
01:14:05Known only to the Mexicans
01:14:06So Jose
01:14:09When you're typing
01:14:10Oh, I'm sorry
01:14:12Talk about huntin' pets
01:14:19I'm sorry, Jose
01:14:24It's okay
01:14:24I'm going to hire
01:14:25Ahmed to kill him
01:14:27So what's your question
01:14:30And be nice
01:14:31Okay
01:14:31Um
01:14:32You're a jalapeno
01:14:33Si, senor
01:14:34Honestique
01:14:35Right
01:14:36You're a Mexican
01:14:38Jalapeno
01:14:38Honestique
01:14:39Right
01:14:40Are you a legal
01:14:41Mexican Jalapeno
01:14:43Honestique
01:14:43Honestique
01:14:44Honestique
01:14:45Honestique
01:14:46Well, what'd I say
01:14:47This is not the appropriate
01:14:48Time and place
01:14:49To ask it
01:14:50Too late
01:14:50Honestique
01:14:51So Jose
01:14:52Are you legal
01:14:52Are you legal
01:14:53Are you legal
01:14:53I'm legal
01:14:54I'm legal
01:14:54I'm legal
01:14:54I'm legal
01:14:55I'm legal
01:14:56I'm legal
01:14:57I'm legal
01:14:58What?
01:14:59I know the answer to the question
01:15:00What?
01:15:00Jose?
01:15:01Si, senor
01:15:01Are you legal to be in this country?
01:15:03Si, senor
01:15:04Okay
01:15:04I have my green card
01:15:06Ah
01:15:06Where is your green card?
01:15:08You see my other stick
01:15:09Did you know he had another stick?
01:15:18I had no idea
01:15:19You know what that means?
01:15:21What?
01:15:22That means that one comes out
01:15:24Oh my god
01:15:40I thought it was just
01:15:42Stuck up his ass
01:15:43What's wrong?
01:15:45He doesn't have an ass
01:15:47It's just a jalapeno
01:15:49Honestique
01:15:50I know
01:15:50How did he get on the stick?
01:15:54I don't know
01:15:55Probably a horrible pogo accident
01:15:56You know
01:15:59Doink, doink
01:15:59Olé
01:16:05You know Jose
01:16:14The immigration thing
01:16:15Is a big topic
01:16:16In the country right now
01:16:16Si, senor
01:16:17Would you mind
01:16:18If I ask you a few questions?
01:16:19Yes, okay
01:16:20Okay
01:16:20You know
01:16:21They're putting a lot more
01:16:21National Guard
01:16:22On the border
01:16:23Between the U.S.
01:16:23In Mexico
01:16:24Does this concern you?
01:16:26No, senor
01:16:26Why not?
01:16:27He's already here
01:16:29You really are an idiot
01:16:36So Jose
01:16:38Are you here on a temporary visa?
01:16:40Are you here on a work visa?
01:16:42He's here on a stick
01:16:43Do you enjoy being in this country?
01:16:50Sometimes I'm afraid for my life
01:16:52Why?
01:16:53Taco Bell
01:16:54They understand you have a new girlfriend
01:17:06Si, senor
01:17:07What's that?
01:17:07A freaking pickle on a pencil?
01:17:08Stop it
01:17:09Stop it
01:17:09Pina, are you prejudiced?
01:17:16No
01:17:16A bunch of my best friends
01:17:18Are on sticks
01:17:20Pina, I meant
01:17:23Are you prejudiced towards Mexicans?
01:17:24No
01:17:25Oh, my mother's Mexican
01:17:27Okay, I meant New Mexican
01:17:33She's like Jose
01:17:35Just fresher
01:17:36Well, Jose, I must say
01:17:39You speak English very well
01:17:40Gracias, senor
01:17:42What were some of the first phrases in English
01:17:44That you learned?
01:17:46Will you help me push my car?
01:18:02Does this ID look real?
01:18:04Muse
01:18:05Where's the nearest Home Depot?
01:18:08Stop it
01:18:09Actually, the last one was true
01:18:13I'm sorry about this, Jose
01:18:17I'm very happy to have you in the app
01:18:19Gracias, senor
01:18:20Just make sure he's legal
01:18:21He's legal, okay?
01:18:22Why are you so concerned?
01:18:24Why are you not concerned?
01:18:26Why should I be concerned?
01:18:27He works for you
01:18:29Some of those laws passed
01:18:31And he's not legal
01:18:32You're gonna get your ass thrown in jail
01:18:34And trust me
01:18:35You would not do well in prison
01:18:37Why not?
01:18:39Come here, puppet boy
01:18:41Make your daddy talk
01:18:51That's nice
01:18:55So you're pretty sure I'd soon become someone's bitch
01:18:59Right
01:18:59Honestique
01:19:01You guys are an awesome audience
01:19:04Thank you
01:19:05I hear that
01:19:06Thank you
01:19:11Thank you
01:19:12Thank you
01:19:13Thank you
01:19:25Thank you
01:19:56...
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