- 10 hours ago
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🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00You
00:19Hey, why'd you turn that off? I was grooving. I think you just answered your own question, Dave. Oh
00:27Hey, honey, how was your run?
00:29Awesome. So much better than paying for an expensive gym. I got clipped by a skateboarder and stepped on
00:36what I hope was burrito, but
00:40But still we're saving a fortune. Yeah, and it's for a good cause. Well, you know
00:45You can just send Grover to a free public school and not step on burritos
00:50It's too great for my baby boy
00:53This is not burrito
00:55Hey, uh, did you happen to run down Cresthaven?
01:01Dave, I did not pick any figs off that guy's tree
01:04Dave, are you stealing figs?
01:07It's not stealing
01:09The figs are hanging over a public sidewalk. Therefore per municipal code. These are the people's figs
01:17You know what? I'm with the big guy. Who is this anyway?
01:20I don't know really. I've only ever interacted with him on sidewalk talk
01:24Oh, side what now?
01:26It's a neighborhood app, but Tina knows what I'm talking about. I've seen her on there
01:30Oh, barely. I hate that app. All people do is talk trash
01:34Yeah, but it's also a great way to keep up with what's going on around here and communicate with our neighbors
01:39Why do you need an app? You got a mouth
01:41Yes, but by using the app I can avoid awkward confrontations
01:47And this whole fig thing could resolve itself peacefully
01:50Also, this app is handy for all kinds of stuff
01:54There's recommendations for gardeners
01:56Finding a lost pet
01:59I mean, look at this cute little girl on Marengo
02:01Please help me find Yertle the turtle
02:04It's actually a tortoise, so his name should be Yordas
02:09Well, the only reason I even have the app is for the section where people give away stuff they don't want
02:16Giveaway? Like free?
02:18Ooh, I like free
02:19Wow, humidifier, ping pong table
02:23Hey, a treadmill, I could use that
02:25Oh, you know, I'll grab my keys, I'll drive you over
02:27Ooh, and get me some more figs
02:30Steal your own damn fruit
02:31Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood
02:35Welcome to the hood
02:36There's so many cute babies here
02:44Yeah, yeah, yeah, but Daphne's the cutest
02:47Agreed, agreed
02:49I'm not judging, but that baby over there
02:52He can't sit up yet
02:54Wow
02:55Daphne's been able to sit up for a month now
02:57I mean, not judging
02:58I'm sure that baby's good at other things
03:01Oh, damn
03:04That baby's holding her own bottle
03:06Daphne's so behind
03:09Hello, friends
03:13My name is Teacher Hannah
03:15And I'm so happy to see some new faces today
03:18Let's start off with five minutes of replay
03:21What's wrong?
03:24Nothing
03:25I know Teacher Hannah from high school
03:28Oh
03:28Hi, welcome
03:31Who is this cutie?
03:33This is my daughter, Daphne
03:36And of course, I need no introduction
03:38Have you been here before?
03:41No, no
03:43Hannah
03:44It's me, Marty Butler
03:48Uh-huh
03:49We went to high school together
03:52Oh, um
03:54Were you in Miss Katey's English class?
03:57No, no, I was in Honors English
03:59We went to junior prom together
04:03Oh, my God
04:04Marty
04:06Oh, of course
04:08You look exactly the same
04:13I know
04:13Which is why this is so hurtful
04:15I used to have the cutest nickname for him
04:19I wish I could remember
04:20Oh, what was it?
04:21I doubt any of us remember it
04:23Farty Marty
04:26Is that really the cutest nickname?
04:31Well, you turned out great
04:33And your wife is beautiful
04:35Oh, no, she's not
04:36I mean
04:37Yes
04:39Yes, she is beautiful
04:41But we are not a couple
04:42We're just friends and co-parents
04:45Well, welcome
04:47And don't worry
04:49Your little cutie is going to be holding her own bottle any day now
04:52She's just a little behind
04:53Gemma
05:02Oh, look
05:03The treadmill, I get
05:05But do we really need a surfboard?
05:07It was free
05:07That wasn't my question
05:11Honey
05:11We don't even surf
05:14Because we didn't have a surfboard, duh
05:16Oh, my God
05:17There you go, Camille
05:21Fresh new spark plugs
05:22You deserved them
05:24Yes, you did
05:25Calvin?
05:29Camille?
05:30Dave, this is a private conversation
05:32Don't feel bad, Dave
05:35He kicked me out of it, too
05:37Why don't you just talk to your bike, Pee Wee Herman?
05:41We car people over here
05:42I am not taking that personally
05:44You always get grumpy when it's time for the great Pasadena bike takeover
05:48Look, I don't mind the bikes
05:50It's the riders ringing those stupid bells
05:53It's 400 of them
05:56I see you
05:57You know what, Malcolm?
06:01Your father's grumpy energy has reminded me of something that I saw on the sidewalk app
06:06Oh, yeah, I saw that
06:08Yeah, a certain pickup truck owner has been generating a lot of complaints
06:12What are you talking about?
06:14Uh, people are complaining that you are driving up and down the street in your rust bucket
06:19Blasting rap music
06:21Rust bucket?
06:22They couldn't be talking about my truck
06:24Camille is in our family photo
06:26Oh, okay
06:31So this is how it is?
06:33People talking all this trash hiding behind their screens
06:35This is not how neighbors treat each other
06:38What are them gonna call me?
06:41Fred Sanford
06:42What you laughing at?
06:49Because if I'm Fred, you Lamont, you big dummy
06:52You know what, I'm downloading it out
06:57Uh, no, please, don't, just ignore it
06:59Pop, you can only make it worse
07:01I know, and that's what I'm gonna do
07:03I'm gonna make it worse
07:03Uh, Calvin, make yourself a cool avatar
07:08I'm a coconut with a mustache
07:10See, they don't know who they messing with
07:14Uh, yeah
07:16No, no, no, no, I didn't say duck
07:19Don't autocorrect me
07:21I said what I said
07:22Hey, hey
07:27What's up?
07:28Hi
07:28Oh, how was your baby class?
07:30Oh, it was good
07:31And Marty knew the teacher
07:32Hannah
07:33Hannah from high school?
07:38Oh, snap
07:39She had Farty Marty wrapped around her little finger
07:42I barely remember
07:46Oh, I do
07:49Marty was so excited that she agreed to go to the prom with him
07:54He sold his most valuable action figure to pay for a limo
07:57Darth Vader with a purple lightsaber?
08:00It was in the box and everything
08:01But you took Hannah to the prom
08:05But not from the prom
08:07No, she went home with the star running back
08:09In Marty's limo
08:11Oh, Marty
08:12No, I knew I didn't like that woman
08:15Let's find another baby class
08:17Hey, don't be silly, okay
08:19That was a long time ago
08:21People change
08:21I know I have
08:23Look, I am a grown, successful businessman
08:26And thanks to the invention of omen milk
08:28That nickname is behind me
08:30It was behind you then, too
08:34Is that a rolling machine?
08:43Yes, it is
08:46And the price was right
08:47Zero
08:48Oh, check this out
08:51A solar-powered pizza oven
08:53And if you have any good pizza recipes you want to give me
08:57You can fax them
08:58Well, getting things you were never gonna buy
09:03Is not exactly saving money
09:05True
09:06But as soon as I make a sun pizza
09:08I'm in the black
09:10Hey, what are you doing?
09:16I'm picking up rotten figs, Calvin
09:18The fig guy has brought the war to my home
09:23Where my bedroom is
09:26Where my wife sleeps
09:28And my child plays with his toys
09:31Okay, Michael Corleone
09:34It's like five pigs on the ground
09:36Well, Pop, if you wanted to get a reaction out of your haters
09:41It worked
09:42Well, good
09:43And guess what?
09:44After five tries
09:45Autocorrect finally gave up on Duck
09:48Yes, I noticed
09:51You didn't pull any punches
09:52You told Randy B
09:54I'm gonna slap you into next week
09:56And then follow you into that week
09:58And kick your ass to April
10:00Hold on
10:02You told Arthur P that you were going to, quote
10:04Moonwalk with my foot in your ass?
10:08Now he insulted my truck
10:11I don't know that I can like this
10:15Well, guess what?
10:17Your ass just did
10:18Hello, friends
10:27I'm so happy to see all of you today
10:30Uh, what?
10:31My shirt
10:33I'm sorry?
10:36No, I just
10:37I didn't even realize I was wearing it
10:39It's just a business I own
10:42Yeah, I know it might look like I just worked there
10:44But no
10:44I buy these shirts for the large staff that I hire
10:47And sometimes
10:48Fire
10:49Wait
10:52The fuse box
10:53Yeah
10:54I've seen that place
10:55It's huge
10:56You're the owner?
10:58Wow
10:59Yeah, I know
11:00I know
11:01See, it's how I can be here in the middle of the day
11:04You know, I don't have to ask anybody
11:05It'd just be like, hey, Marty
11:06Can I have a morning off?
11:08And it'd be like, sure, Marty
11:09Take all the time you need
11:11That's a boss joke
11:14Yeah, I know
11:15You're a miracle
11:19It wasn't that funny
11:20Even in high school
11:23I always knew he'd go far
11:25We should catch up
11:27We should
11:28That'd be nice, you know
11:30Take a stroll down memory lane
11:32Reminisce about the time that you stole his limo
11:35Oh
11:36He told you about that little break
11:39That used to be so crazy
11:40Yeah, yeah
11:41She did the craziest stuff
11:44Well, it doesn't sound crazy
11:48It sounds mean
11:49Okay, we were just kids
11:51Yeah, and you were a decent kid
11:53And you were a mean girl
11:55Who entertained yourself
11:56By tormenting deluded, helpless nerds
11:58Okay, so are you defending me?
12:02Yes, I am defending you
12:04I see why you aren't a couple
12:07No
12:08Oh, you see, do you?
12:11Oh, oh, oh
12:12How about you see me outside?
12:15Oh, uh
12:16All right
12:18All right
12:18Anybody want to sing?
12:19Okay
12:20Okay, we're the best go round and round
12:22Round and round
12:23Round and round
12:24We're the best go round and round
12:25Okay, now, no matter what she says
12:32Stay strong
12:34You think I'll cave in to Gemma?
12:36Oh, I'm sorry
12:36I was talking to myself
12:37Yeah
12:38Check it out
12:41A dude on Coronado is giving away a water heater
12:44He must be crazy
12:46Um
12:49Gemma, we need to talk
12:50Not now
12:51This baby's gonna move
12:52Gemma, please give Tina the phone
12:55But I really want to
12:56Give me the phone
12:57I can stop anytime I want, guys
13:02I'm fine
13:03Say
13:04Someone have a whole box of universal remotes in my driveway
13:07Those aren't yours
13:08Gemma, please think about this
13:12How is this helping Grover?
13:15It's not
13:16I have a problem
13:19Maybe I should go sit in my free massage chair
13:22Gemma, that thing don't work
13:24I know
13:26I know
13:26But I can fix it
13:28I'm gonna get her in the house
13:30Come on
13:31Come on
13:32Come on
13:33Come on
13:34That's crazy
13:35Whoa, watch it
13:37Rock in the road
13:38That's no rock
13:40That's Yertle
13:42Pull the ball
13:56Hey, little girl
14:00Hey, little girl
14:02What, what, what, what
14:05Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
14:19Whoa.
14:20Little, buddy, you almost got hurt.
14:22Hey, it's OK, people.
14:24Yodel's fine.
14:25Oh, yeah.
14:27Ah.
14:28Ah.
14:32Hey, did she sleep?
14:34So, um, do you want to talk about what happened in class today?
14:39You mean when I saved you from that succubus?
14:44I didn't want to be saved.
14:47I'm a single dad.
14:49I don't exactly have a line of women knocking down my door.
14:52You want to know the last time I had sex?
14:54Was when we made the baby.
14:57Well, join the club.
14:59It's not like I don't have needs.
15:01And you don't get a lot of swipes on a dating app when they ask for your hobbies and your answer is lactating.
15:08Okay, look.
15:10You and I are just friends. Fine.
15:12But why are you preventing me from becoming more than friends with somebody else?
15:17Because.
15:18I couldn't stand watching her play you like that.
15:21That woman sucks.
15:22Well, thank you so much.
15:26You're so welcome.
15:31Bedroom?
15:52Yes.
15:59You've got to have a condom somewhere.
16:01No, I told you. It's been a while.
16:02Hold on. I think, I think Malcolm has some in his room.
16:09Find one?
16:10Got it!
16:11I think we're good.
16:33Where were we?
16:40Hey, hey, I got some pizza.
16:42Why?
16:46You know what?
16:48I should go.
16:50Marty, I think we should call it a night.
16:53Good night, Tom.
17:02Okay, okay, all right, okay.
17:05All right, then.
17:05Well, she not getting any.
17:07She isn't the only one.
17:11Wow, so you couldn't sell any of this stuff?
17:13Not only could we not sell it, the Got Junk guys wanted to charge us 500 bucks to haul it away.
17:20Well, goodbye, Panini Press.
17:23I'll miss you.
17:25Well, I mean, those presses are actually pretty good.
17:27Yeah.
17:28Don't worry. We still have one.
17:30One?
17:31Sure.
17:32Sure, Ma.
17:36This is hard.
17:40Hey, uh, we're looking for a Calvin Butler.
17:42Uh, that's me.
17:44Oh, and this young lady must be looking for Yertle.
17:47Yes.
17:50Here you go.
17:51Yertle, I missed you so much.
17:53Thank you, Mr. Butler.
17:54Oh, don't worry about it.
17:56He's had his dinner, a little lettuce, and a half a cantaloupe.
17:59You fed that turtle my $7 cantaloupe?
18:05You bought a $7 cantaloupe?
18:09She's so cute.
18:11Thank you, Mr. Butler.
18:13I'm Xavier. We're over on Marengo Circle.
18:15Oh, hey, it's Calvin.
18:16And no reason to thank me, all right?
18:18It's what neighbors do.
18:19I'm sure you would have did the same.
18:21Yeah, speaking of that, I actually owe you an apology.
18:23I'm the one off the app who calls you Fred Sanford.
18:27That was you?
18:28Yeah.
18:29Well, you don't owe me an apology.
18:31You owe an apology to Camille.
18:36Sorry.
18:37Camille, Camille.
18:38Camille, yeah.
18:41Now, look.
18:42Now, there was a time that if you had a problem with your neighbor,
18:45you'd just go and knock on his door.
18:47So maybe next time, why don't you try that?
18:49Okay?
18:50Well, if I may.
18:53I'd love what I'm seeing.
18:55Now, this is how I should have handled the whole fig situation with Dan Jay.
18:59Oh, you're the guy who's stealing figs.
19:02I am not stealing them.
19:06They were dangling over public thoroughfare.
19:11Which I will explain pleasantly to Dan Jay.
19:13Hey, Pop, we're all loaded up.
19:17You know what, Calvin?
19:18I gotta say, I'm starting to see the Sanford and Son thing.
19:22Father and son.
19:23Truck full of trash.
19:24Well, I don't.
19:28You come on, Pop, so we can get to the junkyard.
19:36Okay, I see it now.
19:41Well, come on, you big dummy.
19:54This little library is the coolest thing in the world.
19:59Yeah, right?
20:01What's that smell?
20:04It's compost.
20:06Don't you just love it?
20:09Hey, Dave.
20:13Hey, Calvin.
20:16Oh, damn, two Daves?
20:18No.
20:19Calvin, this is Dan, the guy with the fig tree.
20:22The app brought us together.
20:23Calvin, I have heard so much about you.
20:26Dave said you're super awesome.
20:28Okay, thank you.
20:30Uh, actually makes me very, very uncomfortable.
20:34You know, Calvin, as a peace offering,
20:36I made Dan a batch of my famous Fig Johnsons.
20:39They're like Fig Newtons, but obviously, you know,
20:41my last name isn't Newton, so I...
20:42No, no, no, Dave, I get it.
20:45You know it would be perfect to wash these down.
20:48Oh, well, kombucha.
20:49Kombucha, no good names!
20:51Up top, Calvin.
20:52Yeah, I'm gonna delete this app right now.
21:25We're right back.
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