- 1 day ago
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00:00What about Tuesday? Can you do the 11 o'clock mass?
00:14Ted, I'll do the 11 and the 12. You should have a rest after that weekend away.
00:20Well, Paris does tend to take it out of me.
00:24I'm up for a game. Ted, care to join me?
00:27No thanks, Darren. What time are we going to the Curve for the races?
00:30I suppose after lunch.
00:32Oh! Mrs Dunn hopes you'll like pheasant.
00:35I love pheasant.
00:38This is what it's all about. A fine port, beautiful surroundings, and intelligent company.
00:46Did you not have all that at your last parrot?
00:50No.
00:52Dublin seems to suit you, though. You've got a newfound gleam in your eye.
00:57Ah, yes. I should be staying here for a good while. As long as I don't mess it up for myself by doing something stupid.
01:03Most of these accounts seem in order, Father Smith.
01:06But I wonder, could I ask Father Crelny about one or two of these things that he's put down under expenses?
01:13Ted!
01:15Ted!
01:23Ted!
01:29Ted!
01:34Ted!
01:38Ted!
01:40Ted!
01:41What is making that incredibly annoying noise?
01:59Oh, that's Ronaldo.
02:00It was a bit lonely without you, Ted, so I got a hamster instead.
02:04Yes, can I ask, though, does he ever stop running in that feckin' wheel?
02:08No, he's had to use the wheel ever since he rode this into his feed tray.
02:16But don't worry, Ted, I think there's just something wrong with the brakes.
02:19LAUGHTER
02:20How long has Father Jack been living in there?
02:41He's started just a few days after you left.
02:43Maybe he's agoraphobic.
02:45Jack's scared of fighting? I don't think so, Ted.
02:47LAUGHTER
02:48Mrs. Doyle just fell off the roof.
02:58LAUGHTER
02:59I think I'll go out, Dougal, and visit Father Fitzpatrick.
03:05I think he has a book belonging to me.
03:09Let's see, now.
03:10Humane Vitae.
03:12You know, sometimes I leaf through this to see just how far we've come.
03:19Celebration of the Christian Mysteries, Deus Canada, Ventil Mepilo.
03:23Ah, Stephen King's The Shining.
03:28Well, thanks for the tea, Father.
03:31See you the next time we, um...
03:33We, uh...
03:35Sorry about this, Father.
03:37I hope you don't mind me asking, but, um...
03:39What have you got a padlock on that door for?
03:42Is there something top secret in there?
03:44My collection.
03:45Oh, yes, that's right.
03:47What is this you collect?
03:48It's war memorabilia.
03:49That's right.
03:50Would you like to have a look?
03:50I'd love to.
03:52LAUGHTER
03:53Taken from the German advance on Russia.
04:04You can see where the hammer hits the shell casing.
04:07Gosh, that's very interesting.
04:09Ah, these are helmets, mostly infantry.
04:13Yes, these would be German as well, wouldn't they?
04:16That's right.
04:17You don't have anything from the Allied side.
04:19No, no, that sort of thing wouldn't interest me at all, I'm afraid.
04:22LAUGHTER
04:23That's my curiosity satisfied.
04:37And this is the last photograph taken of Herr Hitler.
04:41He's signing a few death warrants there.
04:44Funny how you get more right-wing as you get older.
04:48Right, well...
04:50Great, this is all wonderful.
04:52You know, some people, when they see it, they're not too sure,
04:55but you seem genuinely interested.
04:58Oh, I am genuinely interested.
05:00What are you doing here?
05:03I told you, no sleeping here.
05:04This has been murdering.
05:05Yeah, look, this...
05:06This is an old friend of mine, Ted.
05:09I'll see you again.
05:09No, it's fine.
05:10It's fine, it's fine.
05:11It's fine, it's fine.
05:12It's fine, it's fine, it's fine.
05:13It's fine, it's fine, it's fine.
05:14It's fine, it's fine.
05:15Fake.
05:26Fake!
05:26Fake!
05:29Fake!
05:29Ted look at the table it's so dirty I can write me name in it there's a gene
05:50Dougal where right that's it I'm fed up living in filth we're just going to have
06:01to get this place clean Dougal and look at you look at that hole in your tank top
06:05what if the parishioner saw that where Ted oh god would you look at that
06:09this here look a perfectly square bit of black dirt on the window I mean how could you get a perfectly
06:26square bit of black dirt on a window I would have thought that was practically impossible
06:29it's just mrs. Doyle can't do any cleaning her back is very bad since she fell off the roof
06:34can't keep her balance at all that's it then I'm just going to have to come out and say it
06:44we're gonna have to clean this place ourselves what you heard me Dougal are you with me well
06:50yeah right then let's go let's clean this mother
07:04Ted what about that bit of the lamp that came off I could pick that up good idea
07:25well I'm bored now yeah Dougal look
07:40I am Chinese if you please don't come on
07:54Dougal lighten up
07:57There were Chinese people there.
08:17All right, yeah.
08:20I mean, what is, I mean...
08:24That's the inn family.
08:25They're living over there in that old Chinatown area.
08:27Chinatown here, there's a Chinatown on Cranky Island.
08:31Dougal, I wouldn't have done a Chinaman impression if I'd known there was going to be a Chinaman
08:35there to see me doing a Chinaman impression.
08:37Why not, Ted?
08:39Because...
08:40Because it's racist.
08:43They'll think I'm a racist.
08:45I'm going to have to catch up with them and explain I'm not a racist.
08:49And basically, if I don't stretch my eyes like that from time to time, I get this thing
08:55the doctor called bat eyes.
08:59I hope you wouldn't think it would be anything of a racial nature.
09:02Thanks for being so understanding.
09:03See you again.
09:04Bye.
09:05Right, that's that.
09:09Oh, that's that, all right.
09:11What's that?
09:13I ordered some new stuff for the house.
09:15Get rid of this old tat.
09:17Dougal, you don't think I upset those Chinese people earlier?
09:21I don't know, Ted.
09:23It was like the time we put on that variety show and you did that impression of Stephen
09:26Hawking.
09:27He was the last person you'd expect to turn up.
09:30That was a million to one shot.
09:32God, he can fairly move in that wheelchair when he's angry.
09:35Don't worry about it, Ted.
09:37Anyway, who did you phone?
09:38Habitat?
09:39No, Habit-hat.
09:40Like Habitat, it sells soft furnishings, but also priests clothes.
09:45Does it not get confused with Habitat, though?
09:47No, that's never happened before, except just there, when you did it.
09:52Anyway, what else did you order?
09:54Priest socks.
09:55Really black ones.
09:56I read somewhere, I think it was in an article about priest socks, that priest socks are blacker
10:01than any other type of socks.
10:03That's right, Dougal.
10:05Sometimes you see lay people wearing what look like black socks, but if you look closely
10:09you'll see they're very, very, very, very, very, very, very dark blue.
10:13Actually, that's true.
10:15I thought my Uncle Tommy was wearing black socks, but when I looked at them closely they
10:19were just very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very dark blue.
10:26Never buy black socks in a normal shop.
10:28They'll shaft you every time.
10:32Hello there, Father.
10:38Hello, Colm.
10:40Out and about?
10:42I am.
10:43Same as yourself.
10:44Good, good.
10:46I hear you're a racist now, Father.
10:49What?
10:50What?
10:51How did you get interested in that type of thing?
10:54Who said I'm a racist?
10:55Everyone's saying it, Father.
10:57Should we all be racist now?
10:59What's the official line the church is taking on this?
11:04Oh, no.
11:05God takes up most of the day and at night I just like a cup of tea.
11:10I mightn't be able to devote myself full time to the old racism.
11:15What?
11:16Oh, Mrs. Carberry.
11:18Good for you, Father.
11:20Someone had the guts to stand up to them at last.
11:23Coming over here, taking our jobs and our women and acting like they own a friggin' place.
11:29Well done, Father.
11:30Good for you.
11:31Good for you.
11:32Good for you.
11:33I'd like a friggin'.
11:34Good.
11:35Biggin' Greeks.
11:37It isn't the Greeks, it's the Chinese he's after.
11:41I'm not after the Chinese.
11:42I don't care how we get so long as I can have a go at the Greeks.
11:44They invented gayness.
11:45Look, we are not having a go at anybody.
11:46I am not a racist.
11:47All right?
11:48God.
11:49Biggin' Greeks.
11:50How's Mary?
11:51She's fine.
11:52She got that job after.
11:53Great.
11:54Racist!
11:55What?
11:56What?
11:57What?
11:58What?
11:59What?
12:00What?
12:01What?
12:02What?
12:03What?
12:04What?
12:05I'm a British.
12:06Everybody.
12:07I am not a racist.
12:08All right?
12:09God!
12:10Freaking Greeks!
12:11How's Mary?
12:12She's fine.
12:13She got that job after.
12:14Great.
12:15Racist!
12:16Racist!
12:17Hello. Hello. Is that the Yin dynasty? Family! Is that the Yin family?
12:35Yes, this is Sean Yin. Hello, it's Father Ted Crilly here. I think I owe you an apology.
12:42Right then. See you in a while. Aha, Dougal. That's everything cleared up. They're coming straight around.
12:57I'll just be very nice to them and people will stop saying that I'm a racist. It's great. Nothing can go wrong.
13:02Fantastic. So the story is, you're not a racist. Yes.
13:06What? No, it's not a story. I'm not a racist.
13:09Tea, everyone.
13:16Father Crilly, I hear you're a racist.
13:20No, Mrs Doyle. He's not a racist.
13:24I am not. I am not a racist.
13:27Mrs Doyle, we're going to have to do something for your back. You can't go on like this. I'm just going to try something.
13:32No.
13:34Don't worry, Mrs Doyle.
13:35Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
13:39Just relax.
13:40No.
13:45Oh, yes. That's much better.
13:49Are you sure? You look...
13:50Oh, yes, yes, yes. This is great.
13:53I'll be fine now, Father.
13:56No!
13:59Seriously, Father.
14:01I feel 20 years younger.
14:07Ted, the Chinese are coming.
14:08All right, where are they?
14:10Oh, feck it. This big mark is still on the window.
14:14Ah, never mind.
14:16Hello? Hello?
14:19I don't know why we have to talk to this fascist.
14:22Come on, now.
14:24It may have just been...
14:34Where are they going?
14:36I invite them round and they don't even let me tell them my side of the story.
14:39This is terrible. People think I'm some sort of Nazi racist, and I'm not.
14:58But what can I do?
15:00Ted, here's an idea right off the top of me head.
15:03I haven't thought it through, so it's probably not brilliant, but what the hell.
15:06I'll just talk and see what comes out. Anyway.
15:09How about some sort of special event, celebrating all the different cultures on Craggy Island,
15:15and then people will think you're a fantastic man instead of a big racist.
15:22My God!
15:24What?
15:26That's a good idea.
15:28No, it isn't.
15:30It is, Dougal, it is!
15:33No, Ted, there's probably something wrong with it.
15:35You just haven't thought it through.
15:36No, no, Dougal, you've had a brilliant idea!
15:39Ha! But break it down for me a bit more.
15:41What would an event celebrating all the different cultures on Craggy Island actually be like?
15:46What?
15:48What would it involve?
15:50I mean, celebration, yes, but what form could it take?
15:53Ted, I want out.
15:54What do you mean?
15:56I went too far too soon.
15:58I didn't know what I was getting into, Ted.
16:01I didn't know you had to follow up a good idea with loads more little good ideas.
16:05I'm sorry, Ted.
16:06I'm sorry, Ted.
16:07I'm going to sleep in the spare room.
16:09Dougal!
16:10I'm sorry.
16:11I'm sorry.
16:12You old fool, I've sheltered you for 50 years.
16:13You've never even made me a cup of tea.
16:14You'll make the tea.
16:15I do the washing up.
16:17When did you do the washing up?
16:18I did it for the whole of 1947.
16:21And again, in 1973.
16:22You liar!
16:23You broke all the plates and then you went,
16:25Hark, I am so tired.
16:26I never had to wash up plates, Phil.
16:27I was in the Wehrmacht.
16:28Oh, never!
16:29You're driving me insane.
16:30I'm going to take a value.
16:31Oh, I want one too.
16:32Oh, why must you ape everything I do?
16:36Oh, my dear.
16:37Oh, my dear.
16:38You don't have to go.
16:39Yes, sir.
16:40I'll make the tea.
16:41I'll make the tea.
16:42I'll do the washing up.
16:43When did you do the washing up?
16:44When did you do the washing up?
16:45I did it for the whole of 1947.
16:47And again, in 1973.
16:48You liar.
16:49You broke all the plates and then you went,
16:50Ah, I am so tired.
16:51I never had to wash up plates, Phil.
16:52I was in the Wehrmacht.
16:53Wait. These aren't Valium. These are the cyanide we kept for emergencies.
17:01You put cyanide next to the Valium, you old fool. That's asking for trouble.
17:07Oh, shut up. You shut up. We've only got 15 seconds to live.
17:10That is just fine by me.
17:12Good. That's fine by me too.
17:13Good. I'm glad it is.
17:15Well, I'm glad you're glad it is.
17:16Good.
17:17Good.
17:23Oh, Holy Mary, Mother and God, Jesus and his blessed saints. Oh, Holy Mary.
17:38I'm cured!
17:43What happened, Mrs Doyle?
17:45I stepped on the hamster's bike and fell down the stairs, Father.
17:48Dougal, I thought I told you to put away that bike safely.
17:51I did, Ted. I put it back in the cage.
17:53Oh, no, no, no. Don't worry, Father. It's great. I feel fantastic.
17:58I'd completely forgotten that I can turn my head right around like this.
18:03All right. Well, listen. That stuff from Habit Hat is arriving today.
18:06So when it comes, give Father Jack... Where is Father Jack?
18:09I think he's up the chimney.
18:11Right.
18:12Will I burn him out, Father?
18:14Oh, good God, no. The smoke would back up. It'll be all over the house.
18:18Anyway, when that stuff comes, put it all up. All the...
18:23New rugs and the things for the chairs and the...
18:27That's your thing, really.
18:29I wouldn't know about that sort of stuff because I'm a man.
18:32Anyway, we're off to the celebration of Craigie Island's ethnic diversity.
18:37It's a great honour and privilege for me to present this celebration of the wide diversity of cultures that exist today on Craigie Island.
18:55Namely, Chinese people and people from Craigie Island.
19:10I've prepared a short slide presentation which reflects this multicultural mix.
19:16So without further ado, let's start the show.
19:26This man visited the island a few years ago. I forget his name now, but I got on very well with him.
19:31So I just throw that in at the start.
19:34Will there be any free drink at this?
19:36Yes, there will be a limited supply of free drink afterwards.
19:39The Great Wall of China. A miracle of Chinese engineering.
19:44So big you can see it from anywhere in the world.
19:50Chairman Mao. Secretary of the Communist Party of China.
19:54One of the biggest Communist parties in the world.
19:56And in my view, the best.
19:58Mr. Miyagi from the Karate Kid. One of my favourite films.
20:04Not because of the Karate Kid himself, but because of Mr. Miyagi.
20:08Now, a day goes by when I don't remember one of his many words of wisdom.
20:14Kittle!
20:16Where would he spring from next?
20:22The Maori.
20:23I'm sorry, I don't know how that got in there.
20:26Of course, there are no Maoris on Craigie Island.
20:32Ming the Merciless.
20:36But best of all, the Chinese people themselves.
20:40Look at them there. Aren't they great?
20:43The Chinese. A great bunch of lads.
20:47Right, I think I've addressed all aspects of Chinese culture.
20:50And I'd like to thank you all for coming here.
20:52Tonight.
20:53And, of course, if you don't have a little bit of an old chat.
21:01Well, the slideshow was a big pile of crap.
21:05A free drink.
21:06Very much appreciated.
21:08Thank you, Father Crilly.
21:10Yes, well, I just wanted to clear things up.
21:12I'm not a fascist. I'm a priest.
21:14Fascists dress in black and go around telling people what to do.
21:17Whereas, priests...
21:21More drink!
21:22Hooray!
21:32Anywhere there.
21:37Would you like a cup of tea?
21:38Oh, no, no, thanks.
21:40I have a kind of allergic reaction to it, you know.
21:42It's very rare, but pretty serious.
21:44If I drink tea, there's a 70% chance I'll die.
21:47Will I make a cup anyway?
21:49In case you change your mind.
21:52No, thanks anyway.
21:53Thanks anyway.
22:04To China!
22:05Hooray!
22:07To Craggy Ireland!
22:08Hooray!
22:10More drink!
22:11Hooray!
22:13I'm sorry, the bar's closed.
22:15Hooray!
22:16How about everyone comes back to my place for a drink?
22:19Hooray!
22:21Wait, I need to go to the toilet first.
22:23Hooray!
22:26Hooray!
22:28Mrs Doyle, we have guests.
22:30Did that stuff arrive?
22:31Yes, and I felt so fantastic, I put it all up in less than an hour.
22:35And there was this letter.
22:36Letter.
22:38Dear Father Crilly,
22:39on the instructions of a recently deceased client, Father Seamus Fitzpatrick,
22:44here are some items which he specified you should have in the event of his death.
22:47I can explain everything.
23:07Actually, no, I can't.
23:11Hello?
23:13Sorry again, and most importantly, have you opened that present yet?
23:21No, looking forward to it though.
23:24A year's supply of whiskey.
23:26How very generous.
23:28Yes, the problem there is basically, you see, there's been a bit of a change of plan.
23:41So, don't, don't take a punch.
23:43This place has opened the truths of questions.
23:48Don't forget, the atmosphere isclதsing.
23:54You may not 프로 or the heat of웨 treasure.
23:59What's up?
24:01There is two books, as well as spelled phonem music,
24:05you may not appear for your child.
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