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00:00They say I might as well face the truth
00:30Meldrew who put Mavis on then I don't care if she is reproving a yashmack I want to speak to her
00:41Usual performance she takes my ticket disappears for half an hour comes back
00:49Do you remember when you brought them in?
00:52Yes last Thursday off she goes again comes back
00:55What colour were they?
00:57Light grey off she goes again still come hello
01:00Yes, I have got them here at home with me
01:03I'm just wondering what the idea of this rather offensive piece of paper I've just found speared to the hook
01:08This garment was extremely badly soiled and bore stains of an unusually resilient nature
01:16What's it got to do with you?
01:20I bring my trousers in I expect them to be dry cleaned
01:24Not reviewed in print by the laundry critic of the Sunday Times
01:27You might as well get Bernard Levin to do an essay and my socks would be done with it
01:32That's just the sort of remark I expected I don't know why I bother
01:38There we are
01:42I think we've made a good job of that between us all things considered
01:45How much did he quote us your decorator friend?
01:49A hundred and fifty
01:50There you are then that's nearly ninety pounds we've saved
01:53And he wasn't due to start till today remember?
01:58Hmm
01:58Oh there was another thing
02:01While I was waiting in the shop
02:03Three people asked me if I'd just been using TCP
02:07I'm not even able to put it on
02:10It's got a radioactive half-life of two thousand years that stuff
02:13Might as well just give you a giant sandwich board with each bottle
02:18Yes it was me
02:19I was wearing TCP
02:20Oh
02:22You got another book for the bedroom then?
02:25Oh yes
02:25She jotted down the price of those pence there for me as well
02:28Oh my god
02:40What's that?
02:42Have you seen what this is written on the back of?
02:46What are you talking about?
02:47That woman who works in the hardware shop
02:50It was her husband wasn't it
02:52Who stuck his head in the oven and gassed himself
02:54This is his suicide note
02:59Don't be ridiculous
03:03Just as if she'd be so insensitive to jot the price of a pot of paint down on the back of her own husband's suicide note
03:11By the time you read this I will be dead
03:13My life has become such a gutted shell
03:19I have decided to snuff out my worthless existence once and for all
03:24Farewell forever Matilda
03:26I go now to my grave
03:29Dulux sat in eggshell
03:33$5.95 a litre
03:36Roger, right
03:39You'd think she'd have shown a bit more respect
03:42That's absolutely disgraceful
03:46What must their marriage have been like?
03:50It's only $4.95 a litre at B&Q
03:52Anyway
03:55What time have we expected at your goddaughter's tonight?
03:59Anytime after seven I said
04:01Well you know when we get there really
04:03When I go have a long hot bar
04:05See if that'll soak away the TCP
04:07That's the five of us again
04:12That's Robert using the chemical toilet
04:15Sorry, it's a bit out of focus that shot
04:20Yes, show me
04:22Oh, this was Lulworth Cove in Dorset
04:25Dirdle door there
04:26That big rock formation in the sea
04:28Stunning scenery it really was
04:30Oh, and this is
04:32I think this is where Peter accidentally backs the Land Rover onto a duck
04:37Tragic, really
04:46Hope you're not boring, Victor
04:49What's heard? He's got the pastry
04:52He's got the pastry
04:54What the hell?
04:59I don't know what that was
05:01It's only a little Jackie's pet tortoise
05:04Thought it was a hernia
05:07Give her here
05:12Now then, five to eleven
05:15I still haven't shown you that other one yet, have I?
05:18I'm not sure how I cross-indexed it
05:21Under Jackie or Baby
05:22Has someone been using TCP?
05:30Does Auntie Norma want to come in at all, do you think?
05:32No, no, she's fine out there
05:35She's a bit shy with people
05:37She doesn't know that well
05:38She feels safe behind frosted glass
05:41She doesn't think we can see her
05:43Are you taking her on this holiday with you?
05:50What? Auntie Norma?
05:52On a trekking holiday up the Welsh mountains?
05:54Yes
05:55That's the great joy of the jeep, you see
05:58We can just throw her walking frame in the back
06:00And go where we want
06:01Can you see one with Jackie early 86 in there?
06:09Oh, yes, here it is
06:10Is that the two hour or the three hour?
06:12Oh, three hour
06:14Right
06:15Now, Peter filmed most of this
06:22There we are
06:25Look
06:26Oh, that's her head
06:29Just starting to come out now
06:31You see?
06:34Just very slowly and
06:37In a second you'll see Sister cutting the umbilical
06:42Are you all right, Victor?
06:47Oh, some more wine?
06:48No, no, thank you very much
06:50I don't have any Alka-Seltzer at all
06:53What time is it?
07:05Ten past two
07:08Oh, I'm ready for my pillow
07:10I'm quite awake now
07:13I'm not surprised
07:16You had two hours sleep at Jennifer's
07:19Mind what you're doing with Kylie
07:21How was she?
07:24Kylie's fine as far as one can tell
07:26Don't hold her upside down
07:30She might get a nosebleed
07:31There's one more thing to worry about, I suppose
07:36Oh, it's only for a week while they're away
07:39What possible trouble could a tortoise be?
07:42It's not as if
07:43Oh, bloody hell
07:50I won't be
07:54Where's it gone?
07:56What's happened?
07:57Sorry you were out
08:04But thought I'd make a start anyway
08:06But managed
08:07To get the worst of it off
08:10And bagged up ready for the dustman
08:12And to come back Monday
08:14To start sanding down the woodwork
08:16Cheers, Stan
08:17I thought you cancelled him
08:21I did, last week
08:23I told his mate Sid down the pub
08:27I said, look
08:28I made it quite clear
08:29That we were going to do it ourselves
08:30And would he tell Stan?
08:32Wait, wait
08:32Told his mate Sid
08:35You didn't speak to him, direct?
08:39Well, I didn't have his address
08:40I didn't know where to get hold of
08:41You didn't have his address?
08:45Why didn't you try Dodge City?
08:47That's where all the other cowboys live, isn't it?
08:49I don't believe you
08:53Five days it took to put this up
08:57Didn't know where to get hold of him
08:59I'll tell you where to get hold of him
09:02Round his bloody neck
09:03I see him
09:04I'm going to bed
09:0712 pounds 50 a row
09:16I can't see her
09:21She could be anywhere right now
09:23Hmm?
09:24She was down at the bottom of the garden
09:25Five minutes ago
09:26Sniffing at the petunias
09:28Who was?
09:29Oh, Kylie
09:30You haven't seen her
09:31She's not been in here
09:32Oh, by the way
09:34I put that pie in the microwave
09:35What problem?
09:37That big crusty pie
09:39With the four baby gherkins
09:40At each corner
09:41If she's got out the back
09:47And onto that road
09:48You'll be in the microwave
09:50She won't go out the back
09:51They're very territorial creatures
09:53Oh, of course
09:54You know all about tortoises
09:56I forgot
09:57That's why you spent
09:59Half an hour last night
10:00Trying to teach her to sing
10:01I was not trying to teach her to sing
10:05Well, you were whistling at it
10:06And making those silly chirping noises
10:08You thought I didn't see you
10:09But I did
10:10Look, I haven't got time to go out there
10:12All right, all right
10:14If there's another man
10:17Who looks like Buddy Holly
10:18Trying to sell a sky television
10:20Tell him we're both blind and deaf
10:21And you don't need one of his satellite dishes
10:24I'll weld a bidet to the side of the house
10:26It'll be less of an eyesore
10:28Oh, thank you very much
10:32Coley
10:35Coley
10:38Coley
10:40If you want a doft now
10:42Coley
10:51Coley
10:54Coley
10:55Coley
10:56Coley
10:58Coley
10:59Coley
11:20I don't believe it
11:22You lazy bastards.
11:39Can you leave me a mover out of the way first?
11:52This is the stuff I was trying to get for Chris.
11:55He's just run out of hair tonic.
11:57Well, Victor won't be an idiot.
11:58He's just run out of hair.
12:01You sure?
12:02Positive.
12:03Oh, thanks.
12:05Stimulate his roots a bit at least.
12:07Very nice, Jean.
12:09And thanks for the plant.
12:10That came yesterday.
12:11I'll just put this with the others.
12:14I told them the 15th.
12:18So, you doing anything nice tonight?
12:20Going out celebrating?
12:21Well, we were thinking of going for a meal.
12:25But then this morning, I got a card from Jennifer
12:27with two tickets for Les Miserables.
12:31What?
12:31A musical in London?
12:33Oh, that'd be nice.
12:35And it's for tomorrow, the 16th.
12:36So we thought we'd make a night of it then.
12:38The trouble is, I don't think I've got anything to wear.
12:42I'm back.
12:44Oh, morning, Mrs. Warboys.
12:46Morning, Mr. Meldrew.
12:47Happy anniversary.
12:48Have you been using TCP?
12:52Yes, five days ago.
12:57Hello, is that the United Nations?
12:59Yes.
13:00It's Victor Meldrew here in England.
13:02Just to say that if Senior Professor Keller
13:04asks who's been using TCP...
13:07Just to say that I'm very sorry
13:08to offer my apologies to the whole of mankind.
13:10Thank you so much.
13:11Right.
13:12Right.
13:14Well, I suppose I'd better be running.
13:17I'll see you tomorrow, then.
13:19Perhaps we can find something then.
13:21Yes, we may well.
13:22See you.
13:23Bye.
13:23Bye-bye.
13:24Bye.
13:25Bye, Mr. Meldrew.
13:28Do you have to wait long up to hospital?
13:30An hour and a half.
13:32An hour and a half, sitting around like a two-beat junk.
13:35Only bit as though I'd lost the damn thing.
13:38Lost it?
13:38The urine sample they asked for.
13:40It must have fallen out of my pocket in the bus.
13:44Perhaps somebody will find it and hand it in.
13:48After all the trouble I went to last night,
13:50finding something on the right sides.
13:51I know.
13:52Sterilising that old hair tonic bottle I'd never feel.
13:56Yes.
14:00Right, that grasp at you is another cup.
14:02Where's the extension, please?
14:03Where have you got to now?
14:18Carony?
14:19Where have you got to now?
14:37Arr одном?
14:44E-D-D
15:14Victor!
15:19What? What is it now?
15:33Brilliant.
15:36Morning, sir. Mr Meldrew, is it?
15:39I hope it's a convenient moment.
15:40My name's Barney. I wonder if I might just ask you a few questions on the subject of satellite television.
15:46There's no obligation to buy.
15:48Does it look like a bloody convenient moment?
15:53Bargaret!
15:54I wonder if you would very well there's a range of comprehensive programme scheduling available to you as a subscriber to Sky Television.
16:01Bargaret!
16:02Ah, Mrs Meldrew. Your hubby and I were just chatting about the benefits of a subscription to Sky.
16:08Many of which you may already be aware of, but I'd like here, if I may, to throw a couple of names up at you for consideration.
16:14Tony Blackburn and Derek Jameson.
16:17Eric Jameson.
16:26What was that pastry?
16:30What was that pastry?
16:32For God's sake, shut up.
16:35What's the matter?
16:36Will you stop going on about that bloody pastry every day you fall asleep?
16:42Pastry?
16:44Why on earth would I talk about pastry in my sleep?
16:47I don't know.
16:48Are you still looking at that pet column?
16:52I've told you, you can put it away. I'm not having it.
16:55One tortoise looks very like another. Who's going to know the difference?
16:58We are.
16:59We are going to know the real one was cremated to death in the back garden.
17:04Aren't you going to tell them it was an accident?
17:06No, I say we fancy some tortoise tikka kebab.
17:11Tossed it on the barbecue.
17:14It was one of those things that happened and we'll just have to break it to them gently.
17:22There's someone here with a tortoise for sale in Dockrell Road.
17:26Now, I could pop in there first thing in the morning.
17:30I said no.
17:34No.
17:36Right.
17:42I said no. Keep away from me, that pastry.
17:48Come on, that pastry!
17:57Is that you off?
17:59Yes, get something for myself.
18:01Well, try not to get too late back.
18:02You know what the traffic would be like getting into London?
18:06You're not taking tranquilizers again.
18:09No, I'm sterilizing the bottle.
18:12Oh, what for your room?
18:14Yes, they want to be brought in this afternoon.
18:16Oh, and tell Mrs Warboys I'm sorry about Mr Warboys' hair.
18:22No, so is he by all accounts.
18:25See you later.
18:26Bye.
18:35Right.
18:37It's now and ever, I suppose.
18:45Don't play with that, darling.
18:47Go and help Daddy get Aunt Norma's foot out of the glove compartment.
18:54Hello.
18:58Victor, how are you?
19:01Yes, just this minute.
19:03Lovely, thanks.
19:04How's Kylie?
19:05Hasn't been giving you too much trouble, I hope.
19:08Well, no, that's...
19:10I'm ringing, I'm afraid.
19:12I'm afraid...
19:15she's dead.
19:17Unfortunately.
19:18Uh, she, uh...
19:21I feel just terrible about this.
19:23Well, um, she went out into the back garden, is what happened.
19:26Yeah, and she must have...
19:28beg my pardon?
19:32Quite peacefully, I suppose.
19:35She was fine. The next minute she was...
19:37Oh, my God.
19:38Oh, uh, Victor, I'd better go now.
19:43Um, thanks for letting me know anyway.
19:45Yes.
19:47Yes, I will.
19:49Bye.
19:55Oh, God.
19:57I suppose it is being a bit dishonest, really.
20:14What's worse?
20:16Being dishonest, or upsetting that little girl?
20:19I'll just pop it into it.
20:25I won't be a sec.
20:41Why? You can never go when you want to.
20:43Well, I can't stop, actually.
20:44There's a friend outside in the car,
20:45but I thought you'd want her back as soon as I can.
20:47Well, I can't stop, actually.
20:48There's a friend outside in the car.
20:49But I thought you'd want her back as soon as I can.
20:50There we are.
20:52Yes.
20:56Well, I can't stop, actually.
20:57There's a friend outside in the car.
20:59But I thought you'd want her back as soon as possible.
21:01There we are.
21:03Yes.
21:05Well, thanks for everything, anyway.
21:08You can take her out in the garden now, can't you, and play with me?
21:11I don't think that's such a good idea, do you?
21:20Look, I'll give you a ring later.
21:22Oh, right.
21:23And thank you for those tickets.
21:24We're really looking forward to it.
21:25See you soon.
21:26See you soon.
21:27It's all gone now.
21:29Oh, I don't think that's such a good idea, do you?
21:34Look, I'll give you a ring later.
21:35Oh, right.
21:36And thank you for those tickets.
21:37We're really looking forward to it.
21:39See you soon.
21:51It's all gone now.
21:57There's no more pastry here.
22:03I'll take these for you.
22:05Oh, thanks.
22:06You go on in, then.
22:07I've just got to pop this in the box around the corner, all right?
22:17Anyone home?
22:19Mr Maldrow?
22:22It wasn't as crowded downtown as we expected,
22:25and Margaret managed to find just the right thing
22:27the first place we went in.
22:29So it was always...
22:33Mr Maldrow?
22:39Mr Maldrow?
22:40By the time you read this, I will be dead.
22:55My life has become such a gutted shell, I've decided to stuff out my worthless existence once and for all forever.
23:11Oh, my God!
23:13What have you done?
23:14What have you done?
23:15Oh!
23:16Oh!
23:20Oh!
23:33Whatever's happened, what's the matter? What's happened?
23:35Mr Maldrow?
23:36What's happened?
23:37Just take hold of his other arm and help me to walk around the room.
23:40What's going on?
23:42What's happening?
23:43He's going to be all right.
23:44There's nothing to worry about.
23:46I think I managed to get it all out of his stomach.
23:49But we've got to keep him awake.
23:51I'm not getting my proceeds.
23:54Got all what out of his stomach.
23:56What's happened?
23:57Jean!
23:59The empty bottle and the note.
24:02Oh!
24:06Oh, no!
24:12What?
24:15What's the matter?
24:16What have I done?
24:20What have I done?
24:33How's your throat now?
24:35Fine.
24:36Absolutely fine.
24:37Says Mrs Warboys took her finger out of it.
24:40I really haven't looked back.
24:42A Ford Fiesta, you say?
24:44Can you remember when you brought it in?
24:46Yes.
24:4723 minutes past six.
24:51Right.
25:00The miserable.
25:02The miserable people, right?
25:04I presume so, yes.
25:06Brilliant show.
25:08Absolutely brilliant.
25:10So I'm told by people who have actually seen it.
25:14You've checked the date as well as me.
25:16June the 16th.
25:19Still, I suppose we should look on the bright side.
25:22The seats were very comfortable.
25:24For the three and a half minutes we were sitting in them.
25:27And we did manage to get there early.
25:32One year early.
25:34Yes.
25:35Yes.
25:36Yes.
25:37That's the one I wasn't expecting.
25:38That certainly was a corker, that one.
25:41Tickets being for June the 16th next year.
25:45It's a very popular show.
25:47You have to book so far in advance these days.
25:52Um, what colour was it?
25:54Oh, oh, good.
25:56Light grey.
25:57You're not married to a woman named
25:59May visit my local dry cleaners by any chance.
26:03Registration?
26:05C65GTB.
26:09If they've lost my car, that's it.
26:12It'll be me in that incinerator tonight.
26:14I've just about had enough.
26:15that's not my car.
26:22That's the number you just told me.
26:40It certainly is not!
26:41It is not.
26:45My mind must have been on something else.
27:06By the way, I meant to tell you, I got another tortoise.
27:09I took it round to them this afternoon.
27:11They don't suspect a thing, so don't you say anything, right?
27:16Let's just let sleeping dogs lie.
27:19I rang her up this morning just after you'd gone.
27:23I told her it was dead.
27:28But she didn't...
27:34No.
27:39No.
27:40No.
27:41I love you and them.
27:42I was going to talk to her.
27:43I don't know.
28:13They say I might as well face the truth
28:19But I am just too long in the tube
28:22I've started to deteriorate
28:26And now I've passed my own sell-by date
28:29Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
28:32I have to pop my teeth into tube
28:36And my old knees have started to knock
28:39I've just got too many miles on the clock
28:43So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my waist
28:47It's true that my body has seen better days
28:51But give me off a chance and I can still misbehave
28:55One foot in the grave
28:57One foot in the grave
29:01One foot in the grave
29:04One foot in the grave
29:14One foot in the grave
29:16One foot in the grave
29:18It's true that my body has only got too may
Recommended
29:01
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