- 8 hours ago
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00:00They Say
00:30Are you sure you don't want...
00:34I don't want anything. I want my £4.50, then I'm going straight back and reporting this to the police.
00:39Yes. Well, look, I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding.
00:42God, there he is. I think I feel sick.
00:44You're still here. Oh, good, another wonderful circular from Reader's Digest.
00:48I do so look forward to them every morning. They're full of such delightful offers.
00:54Without them, my life would be totally incomplete.
01:00Victor, did you indecently expose yourself to this girl?
01:05Expose himself? He showed me everything. He left nothing to the imagination.
01:10You started in the downstairs windows like I asked you.
01:13Adult hardcore. That's what it was. I nearly fell off my ladder.
01:18I thought I was in Hamburg washing a cabaret of bizarre erotica.
01:20She says you were handling your private parts.
01:26Of course I was handling my private parts. I was drying them with a flannel.
01:30What do you expect me to do? Drape them across the bathroom radiator for half an hour?
01:34They should get a court order to have people like you destroyed.
01:38I'm going straight round the police about this.
01:40See what they say about a dirty old man putting on a sordid peep show in his own bedroom.
01:45I'm not dirty. I'm not old. I'm not a man.
01:51Bloody things.
01:52How are you supposed to open these with a 500 watt chainsaw?
01:56It's my fault for washing the curtains. I should have put the spare ones up.
02:00Why is this no three-act drama these days? It never used to be.
02:03Because you've got more time on your hands these days to worry about things.
02:07You weren't using my blue flannel, were you?
02:12I don't feel like any breakfast today.
02:15Anyway, I thought I got you that book out of the library, Coping with Old Ainge.
02:19What, the one with the two half-width with silver wigs in the front cover,
02:22laughing uncontrollably at the concept of imminent death,
02:25written by some fat spangled tart who does TV game shows.
02:30It was supposed to stop you getting depressed.
02:32It made me even more depressed, especially the chapter on depression.
02:36According to her, every time you're feeling miserable,
02:39you stop and think of something nice that once happened to you.
02:43I've been racking my brains for two and a half weeks now.
02:47What about that dream you had,
02:48that Norman Fowler was being burnt alive in an old house?
02:52Ah, yes, I've forgotten about that.
02:55Anyway, 60's not old. You've barely started living.
02:59Hmm.
03:00Early retirement seems to be suiting cousin Geoffrey.
03:03Says it's opened up a whole new life for him.
03:06I've never felt so fit and healthy.
03:08I think I'm in better shape now than I've ever been, he says.
03:11When did he write that letter?
03:14Thursday, why?
03:15This one's from Alice.
03:17She says, on the way back from posting that letter,
03:20he had a heart attack and dropped dead on the pavement.
03:22He'd only just turned 60 as well.
03:27Had he really?
03:28He'd just taken early retirement.
03:30Yes, how fascinating.
03:31He was the same age as you.
03:34Oh, jolly good.
03:34I'll just lie down the floor now and die, sir.
03:37You can call the dick.
03:38I have no need to let him in.
03:39He can shout the last right through the letterbox.
03:42It's only a month as well
03:44since his sister Lucy contracted that terminal illness.
03:48What, measles?
03:49Oh, she died, didn't she?
03:51She fell off a cliff.
03:53Only because she'd gone to the seaside to convalesce.
04:02When's the funeral?
04:03Wednesday afternoon.
04:04Yippee!
04:05Something to look forward to there in these dark and dismal times.
04:09And don't you dare wear that black top hat again.
04:14You can wear it to look like Freddie Frinton.
04:23Could you turn it up a bit, please?
04:32I don't think they can quite hear it properly in Okinawa.
04:43Bloody muck.
04:53Thank you very much.
05:04You never do it to the nurse, I do.
05:06All you've got to do is punch your bottom in the other direction.
05:0937 Wingate Drive, the birth mess, capital of Europe.
05:14Fancy crapping and a looping?
05:15Why not drop in a bit of nerve?
05:16He's worth the famous open air bird toilet.
05:23Well, what do you want now?
05:28A worm?
05:34Nice big sausage for breakfast.
05:39Seven chocolate wrappers today.
05:41Makes you wonder why they'd bother about funerals anymore.
05:44Grandma's day, shall we bury her?
05:45No, I can't be bothered.
05:46Just sling her over that bloke's fence.
05:48He'll clean it up.
05:48Victor, there's two visitors for you in the front room.
05:53I think it's about, um, you know.
06:07Victor Meldrew.
06:08Yes?
06:09I wondered if we might have a little word with you, sir.
06:13Oh, God.
06:14On the subject of obscene behaviour.
06:17Look, it's all very simple, really.
06:18There are a lot of it going on these days, wouldn't you say?
06:21Acts of unbridled filth, perpetrated by perverts and sexual deviants
06:25who should know better at their age.
06:27Look, I just got out of the bath, and I was just rubbing...
06:30How do you think God feels about all this?
06:32What?
06:33How do you think the Lord feels about so much sin and wickedness
06:36in his holy kingdom on earth?
06:38If we look at Proverbs 6, verse 12,
06:41I think we can find the answer.
06:43A naughty person, a wicked man, walketh with a throat.
06:47You're Jehovah's Witnesses.
06:49You're bloody Jehovah's Witnesses.
06:52I'm a policeman.
06:53Well, we are policemen, but on our days off, we work for God.
06:57Get out of my house.
06:58Let me just read you something, sir.
07:00In the beginning...
07:01Get out of my house.
07:03Sir, we all of us need a moment of soul-searching reflection
07:06in these iniquitous...
07:08I know my right.
07:09You can't search my soul without a warrant.
07:11Now, go on.
07:11Get on out of it.
07:14Bloody chick.
07:18They said they were from a higher authority.
07:21What's God ever done for me?
07:23Got me fired from my job and drops bird mess all over the garden.
07:27Oh!
07:29Ow!
07:29I've got a pain in my chest now.
07:32What sort of pain?
07:33What?
07:34Does it feel as though there's an elephant standing on your ribcage?
07:37Yes, that's exactly the feeling.
07:39How do you know?
07:39What?
07:40Well, have you ever had an elephant standing on your ribcage?
07:44Well, no, not recently, but I mean...
07:45Oh, why do you say such stupid things, then?
07:48Goodness sake!
07:50Turn your mind to something more cheerful.
07:52What shirt are you going to wear to Geoffrey's funeral?
07:54What about the one Alice bought you last Christmas?
07:57I thought you'd cut that up for dishcloths.
07:59I think that would be a nice act of self-sacrifice to put that on.
08:01I think she would appreciate it.
08:03My pulse has stopped now.
08:04I'm clinically dead.
08:07I know what would do you good.
08:10I don't know why I didn't think of it before.
08:14And stretch and stretch and stretch.
08:18And stretch and stretch and stretch.
08:22Come on, now, really stretching those muscles
08:25to keep them nice and subtle.
08:28All right, shake out, everybody.
08:32Tootsies!
08:34Hands!
08:35Come on, get everything already cut.
08:36Oh, shake out!
08:38And sit down.
08:41Remember, we mustn't ever do it.
08:42Not now with elderly.
08:43Because now with elderly, we have a whole host of special problems
08:47that can afflict all our limbs and organs.
08:51Uh, uh, the doctor says I have to watch my liver.
08:54Oh, dear, then, does he?
08:56Yes.
08:57And I have to watch my liver as well.
08:59I spend hours watching my liver as a constant joy.
09:04All right, entertainment.
09:05I think it beats a pancreas into a cocked hat.
09:08I've got very brittle bones in my leg.
09:11Have you, Elspeth?
09:12Yes.
09:13Last year, I had a plastic hip inserted under Kenneth Clark.
09:17Oh, I see.
09:18It's a miracle of medical science.
09:20Apart from seizing up every now and again,
09:22leaving me totally paralyzed and in unbearable agony.
09:25Oh, dearly me.
09:30Well, I tell you what I'd like to do now, everyone.
09:32It's called yoga.
09:36And it's very good for folk like us
09:37who are not quite as young and nimble as we'd like anymore.
09:41It comes from a place called...
09:46Asia.
09:48And here...
09:52Here.
09:54You can see it being practiced.
09:56By a senior citizen from the Himalayas.
10:00Now, we're going to try something very simple to start with.
10:02All you do is just tuck your feet under your legs like that.
10:06Keep your back nice and straight.
10:09That's right.
10:13And just relax.
10:19Breathe in nice and slowly.
10:20Let your mind go completely blank.
10:28It's very good for tension.
10:32Very good for all those muscles.
10:40Just close your eyes.
10:42And breathe.
10:43And breathe.
10:47Oh, well.
10:59How long have we got to sit in a trance like this zombie fashion?
11:02Are you sure she's all right?
11:12Will you be quiet?
11:13Oh, God.
11:14Oh, God.
11:15Look, there's a lot of batter.
11:16It's all right.
11:17It's all right.
11:18It's all right.
11:19It's all right.
11:20It's all right.
11:21It's all right.
11:22It's all right.
11:23It's all right.
11:25It's all right.
11:26It's all right.
11:27She's dead.
11:28Oh, my goodness.
11:29She can't be dead.
11:30It's all right.
11:31But, I'm going to see you as a health and fitness instructor.
11:32It's all right.
11:33Oh, don't use the cardiest human, woman.
11:35There's nothing there.
11:37It's all right.
11:38She must have had a coronary.
11:39Oh, brilliant.
11:40Doesn't anyone last any more than five minutes anymore?
11:44At this rate, the entire human race will be extinct by next Thursday.
11:48What are we going to do?
11:49Look, I think you should all go home if you would. We'll deal with this.
11:54She's dead. She's dead.
11:56Yes, she is, but there's nothing we can do about it. We're just going to see if we can get some help.
12:01Victor, why don't you take her for a cup of tea? Try and calm her down.
12:05I can't. I can't.
12:08Yes, you can. Just ease your...
12:11No, I can't. I can't. Oh, it's my plastic hip. The balls got locked in the sockets.
12:19It's all right. If I just give her a sudden, sharp rest...
12:22Oh, no! Don't you dare!
12:24You spit her leg open. Treat her gently.
12:28Oh, I'm going to see if there's a nurse in the college.
12:31You're not going to leave it with these two.
12:34Oh, no. I can't get up. I think I'm going to faint.
12:39No, you're not. You're going to be absolutely fine. You're not going to faint. You're just going to be...
12:45Wait. Welcome to Stiff City.
12:49The dead of two world wars. Come on, wake her up, you stupid old...
12:54How am I going to move you now?
13:04No! She was perfectly all right. Just a minute before. And then, all of her sons...
13:19What are you doing? I'm not shopping for mackerel fillets, am I?
13:28She fainted on me. Her leg went gammy. I couldn't leave her in that room.
13:32Take it to the sick room. It's down there. The last door on the left.
13:40Look, do you want to leave this with me now?
13:42No. No. I'll give you a hand till the ambulance comes.
13:45Excuse me. You couldn't take care of this lady for me, please. She's, um...
13:58I don't think there's anything I can do.
14:00Yes. Yes, of course.
14:11Well, there's another evening of rip-roaring, humdingery entertainment drawn to a close then.
14:1730 minutes of watch my liver with a cast of cocoon followed by a demonstration of how to snuff it in a lotus position.
14:37You can't take those exercises too far. I've read about that happening.
14:40You relax so much, your heart actually stops beating. It can be very dangerous.
14:46Well, I'll just ring the mortuary on the way home, see if we get any last-minute cancellations.
14:51Excuse me. Do you want her back now?
14:53What?
14:54The lady you brought in. She's all finished.
15:05What have you done to her?
15:06I brought her in to be given first aid.
15:10Oh.
15:12I'm creative beauty and advanced hair styling.
15:15I thought that you want...
15:17Oh.
15:23There we are. There's breadcrumbs there. There's a bit of fresh bacon rind. There's a bit of dead worm I chopped up specially.
15:28Feaster!
15:31I know.
15:33A proper little feast there.
15:35I should think of you tucking into that as I am forcing down the cucumber sandwiches with the crust cut off.
15:39You're not going out in those.
15:57What?
15:58What happened to your best black ones?
16:00I haven't broken my black ones in yet.
16:02It's like walking with your foot in a bacon slicer.
16:05Every step shaves another two inches off your heel, I'd be in agony all day.
16:09You put the black ones on or I'm not going.
16:12I've got two large lumps in the back of my head now.
16:21God!
16:23Where did they come from? I've never noticed them before.
16:27Leave that medical dictionary!
16:29They're just glands.
16:33Not long for this world. Everyone's dropping like flies these days.
16:37Will you stop going on about death all the while?
16:40Oh yes, I'll just go to a nice funeral and take my mind off it for a few hours.
16:44Do give over. It won't be nearly as bad as you imagine.
16:52A hundred times worse than I imagined.
16:59You never told me he was an atheist.
17:02It was your cousin?
17:04Anyway, I thought it made an interesting change, a secular funeral.
17:08All the usual hypocrisy.
17:10Yes, well personally I could have done without the head of the local philosophy department
17:14standing up and drumming it in to everyone.
17:16There was no afterlife for 25 minutes.
17:18I mean that really cheered us all up, didn't it?
17:21Hearing that in the next word we're going to be the contents of a vacuum cleaner.
17:25Look at that, hacked to pieces.
17:27And you didn't tell me it was going to be a perpendicular burial either.
17:32He always was agreeing.
17:34He always wanted to be buried in an upright position.
17:37That's sinking a new fence post.
17:40You can't lie down when you're dead. When can you lie down?
17:44Do you have to do that in the front room?
17:47I'm never going to buy any more new shoes ever again.
17:52In the future I'm just going to stick a razor blade down each sock and it'll be much cheaper.
17:56Little Jennifer hasn't half shot up since I last saw her.
18:04When did you last see her?
18:0625 years ago.
18:08Yes, strange that.
18:11Brain tumour.
18:13What are you looking up now?
18:20You'll worry yourself to death.
18:22You'll eat that and you'll imagine you've got every disease under the sun.
18:26Green monkey fever, leprosy, everything.
18:28I'm not worried.
18:29Well, don't. There's nothing wrong with you.
18:31I'm not.
18:33Just because you're 60 and retired now doesn't mean you're suddenly going to die in your sleep.
18:37I know, I know that.
18:41Die in my sleep? What made you say that?
18:46Oh, so-so, Mum. You know, it's been one of those weeks.
18:51He hasn't stopped fretting.
18:53Death, mainly.
18:56I know, I keep telling him that, but it doesn't make any difference.
19:01Well, he's always been on the go and now, of course, he doesn't know what to do with himself.
19:08Watching about the garden, mostly.
19:11Well, I think he's happiest out there, really.
19:15No. No, I try to keep him away from the television.
19:18That's what gets his blood pressure up.
19:19There was that program on the other night.
19:23Spontaneous combustion.
19:25You know, when people suddenly burst into flames for no reason at all.
19:29You think I could get him out of the shower afterwards?
19:33Oh, well, he's a worry to us all.
19:37Yes.
19:39Look, Mum, I'm going to have to go or I'll be late for the shop.
19:41Yes. Okay. Bye.
19:42Bye.
19:46Now, you're not going to mooch around the house all day worrying about your health again, are you?
19:53Nope.
19:54You're sure?
19:55Yes.
19:56Right.
19:57See you tonight.
19:58Bye.
19:59God, I feel like death warmed up.
20:05The plans aren't that big I know.
20:08I'm turning into the elephant man.
20:10come on Mildred pull yourself together you're 60 years old 60 years old you're perfectly all right
20:24it's all in your imagination so come on there isn't a thing wrong with you and you know it
20:40oh my god it's all over your back Victor I know it's all over my back it's all over my back and
20:51down my arms and chest I don't like the color of that at all why does it clash with my underpants
20:57I'm not too mad on it myself am I oh that of a dr. snow grove feel like Vincent price in the
21:05mask of the red desk evening mr. Mildred what can we do for you he's got this nasty rash doctor well
21:17let's have a little look at it then shall we Christ almighty it's all over your back man you stop saying
21:25Christ almighty it's all over my back you've got a sore throat at all no any fever yes but not
21:32according to the thermometer of course but I never trust those show me a tongue hmm I see what do you
21:42reckon it is I don't know do I you're the doctor you tell me I've got two lumps in the back of my head
21:51oh well there you are then German measles he's had German measles oh really what about scarlet fever no
21:59I've had that as well chicken pox no you haven't guessed hard luck I'm afraid I'll have to tell you
22:04Victor Mildred was in fact suffering from spode syndrome fatal disease it normally only attacks
22:10potatoes and that means he goes through to our special celebrity post-mortem carried out by rod
22:17and that means he's got to tell an emu is he always like this
22:22if you need anything or if there's any problems just give me a ring at the florist but you know what the doctor said
22:24it's probably just a virus it'll clear up in a few days and don't stay out here if it starts getting cold
22:32they forecast fog later on yes I won't
22:47I wish I had been rid of those Jehovah's Witnesses I know what'll happen
22:58I'll get to heaven they'll slam the door in my face
23:02I'll get to heaven
23:27so do be extra careful there in the southeast
23:57where driving conditions are especially hazardous
24:01back now to the planet suite neptune the mystic
24:10oh god
24:19oh no
24:23it's happened it's happened when i've been asleep
24:27i'm dead
24:31oh god
24:33i know it's terrible
24:36oh god it's worse than i thought
24:40oh god
24:42oh
24:57it's you
24:59it's you god
25:03i must be in heaven
25:06oh
25:07god
25:09i've been waiting for this moment
25:13why don't you let them kick me out of my job eh
25:16why don't you let people throw crisp packets and other people's gardens eh
25:19you smarmy self-righteous
25:21why don't you make which teen biscuits easier to open eh
25:24answer me that
25:25answer me that
25:27victor victor it's all right victor
25:29oh
25:30margaret
25:31you're dead too
25:33you're not dead
25:36not dead
25:37you stepped on a rake
25:38you're only saying that to make me feel better
25:42if your patient's dead i think he's got a right to be told
25:46victor
25:47you are not dead
25:49you are not in heaven
25:50you are still alive
25:52look
25:52you mean that man isn't god
25:58that's mr partridge he's got tonsillitis
26:02alice's shirt it would be alice's bloody shirt
26:11all these years and i never knew you were allergic to terrine
26:16i just ought to pick up a few squashed coke tins off the lawn dear
26:20here we are
26:29where are you hiding this morning
26:31wait for a thirsty little thing
26:34what do you have to do
26:47is robin application
26:48whew
26:50haha
26:51haha
26:52hahaha
26:52hahahaha
26:52hahaha
26:53haha
26:54Ahhh
26:54hahahahaha
26:55wasn't that
27:04They say I might as well face the truth
27:24But I am just too long in the tooth
27:27I started to deteriorate
27:31And now I've passed my own sell-by date
27:34Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
27:38I have to pop my teeth into tube
27:41And my old knees have started to knock
27:44I've just got too many miles on the clock
27:48So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly set in my ways
27:52It's true that my body has seen better days
27:56But give me off a chance and I can still misbehave
28:00One foot in the grave
28:02One foot in the grave
28:06One foot in the grave
28:09One foot in the grave
28:15And I can still use escape
28:16Which I can still misbehave
28:17No foot in the grave
28:18One foot in the grave
28:18One foot in the grave
28:19One foot in the grave
28:20One foot in the grave
28:21And the comprehension
28:22I can still use determinut U.S.A.
28:23And the consequences of living
28:23Of every infection
28:24And the consequences of living
28:25Good to see if in the grave
28:25diameters
28:26At the hell
28:26One foot in the grave
28:27龙 уг Killer
28:27Class
28:27From person I love
28:28Little foot in the grave
28:29four
28:30from work
28:31Boy
28:31By the souls
28:32Duem
28:32ìš°
Recommended
28:19
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