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00:00They Say
00:30Try counting something.
00:48Yes.
00:50I try counting my blessings.
00:53Well, that didn't take very long.
00:55Look at this.
01:03Three times I wiped my nose in this thinking it was a handkerchief.
01:08I make the bed tomorrow, I use a staple gun.
01:12Oh, I've got a stomachache now.
01:21Whereabouts?
01:21Whereabouts with my left ear lube.
01:25And I feel sickened to the bargain.
01:28Know what that is?
01:30By that dodgy pasta we had at your mother's last night.
01:33I think we all knew we were in for a voyage of adventure.
01:38She phoned up and told us to bring a decent pair of secateurs.
01:42No, she doesn't speak a word of Italian.
01:45Working from that old magazine, cutting with a list of ingredients.
01:51Turned out of the cast list of the Godfather.
01:53I shudder to think what she must have put in it.
02:01Parmesan cheese in a horse's head, judging by the taste.
02:06Spaghetti al Pacino.
02:08Oof.
02:09Just give your brain a rest, and then perhaps you might drift off.
02:15Just make your mind a complete blank.
02:20I suppose.
02:29What's that film where, when you go to sleep,
02:31a man with spiky fingers comes through the wall
02:33and starts slashing your face to bits?
02:36A Bridge Too Far.
02:39Is it?
02:41No, more recent than that.
02:43Hardy Kruger.
02:45Oh.
02:56You asleep?
03:01You asleep?
03:05Margaret.
03:10I think I might buy one of those sweaters tomorrow that Noel Edmonds wears.
03:14What you do, and I'll kill myself.
03:17What was that?
03:19Did you hear that?
03:20What?
03:22That strange hooting sound.
03:25Probably Mrs. Stebbings, down the corner.
03:27No, it's that baby owl I told you about the other night, sitting perched in the telephone wires.
03:38Look at him, perched right over my car roof.
03:40You just dare, matey boy.
03:42You just dare, matey boy.
03:45He's thinking about it, you can tell.
03:47Well, you will do.
03:49If you keep staring at him, you'll make him nervous.
03:52Well, why don't they spatter someone else's car?
03:54Why is it always mine?
03:56He is going to, too.
03:58Look at him.
03:59He's getting into position.
04:00He's shifting himself around.
04:01Any second now, he's definitely going to...
04:07There.
04:10Oh, I didn't believe it.
04:14They told me they were supposed to have fixed this thing.
04:19That's twice I've had to take that back now because it was too sensitive.
04:22Can't tell me there isn't something wrong somewhere when your car alarm's set off by a bird dropping.
04:32Well, that's their rations finished with.
04:35Any more steel pieces of toast now, we're into the dustbin.
04:43What's this packet of Bisto doing in here?
04:46What?
04:47What's this packet of Bisto doing in the medicine cabinet?
04:50How do I know what it's doing?
04:52I can't even see it.
04:59Bring that garage in the morning.
05:00That'll be the first job.
05:03Why is nothing in life ever simple?
05:07What is it that makes that last teaspoon clean for dear life to the bottom of the washing up bowl every night?
05:14When you pour the water away, even if you haven't used a bloody teaspoon,
05:18when there's always one appears of somewhere...
05:20Will you just go to sleep?
05:30Mysteries of the universe.
05:35Time and space.
05:39Life and death.
05:40Mike Hope and I'll be keen.
05:45Never did hear any more about them.
05:50Time.
05:52When you think about it, nothing ever exists, in fact.
05:58I was working this out in the post office as I was waiting for that woman to finish twanging her elastic bands.
06:03The future doesn't exist because it hasn't happened yet.
06:09The past doesn't exist because it's already over.
06:12But the present doesn't exist because as soon as you start to think about it, it's already in the past.
06:20Which doesn't exist anymore.
06:23Like that moment just then when I said that.
06:26That's already in the past.
06:28Gone forever.
06:32And so is that.
06:34And I just said, gone forever.
06:38And so is that when I said it's so.
06:40That's gone forever now as well.
06:46And so is that.
06:47When I said that's gone forever now as well,
06:49that's gone forever now as well.
06:52Oh, for God's sake, will you shut up, Victor?
07:01Shabbering on there all the while like a rabid parrot.
07:09Now I'm wide awake.
07:11Thank you very much.
07:14What time is it?
07:15Are we in the single European market yet?
07:22Quarter past three.
07:24Oh.
07:32Finish this crossword like usually sends me off.
07:39So an old friend of yours today came into the shop with a wilting hibiscus.
07:43Charlie Maysfield?
07:44Oh, yes.
07:49I haven't seen him in ages.
07:50How's he getting on?
07:51He's fine.
07:53Did he ask how I was?
07:54No.
07:58Well, not as such.
08:00What do you mean not as such?
08:04Well, he seemed to be under the impression you were dead.
08:07In fact, we had quite an argument about it.
08:17He was absolutely convinced he died last year during Wimbledon fortnight.
08:22He said he remembers it was the same day Jimmy Connors got knocked out,
08:25so he was doubly shocked.
08:28I said, no, no.
08:30I think you must be getting him mixed up with someone else,
08:32but he wouldn't have it.
08:33You know, people that age, they get something into their head
08:37and they won't budge.
08:40He said he distinctly remembered you'd ask to have your ashes
08:42scattered across the floor in allied carpets.
08:48Get your own back.
08:51To be honest, I think he's going a bit, um, you know.
08:56So in the end, just to keep the peace, I agreed with him.
08:58I said, now you come to mention it, you're right, he is dead.
09:03He went off then, happy as a sandboy.
09:08Oh, and then, talk about an afternoon for characters.
09:12We had Broad Maud come in just after lunch
09:14with all her latest problems.
09:16Broad Maud?
09:17She the one who always carries her own toilet seat about with her?
09:21In a Tesco's carrier bag.
09:24Frightened stiff of public laboratories.
09:27Frightened stiff of everything.
09:28Well, she takes it all to heart.
09:31Everything she reads in the papers and sees on the news.
09:35Salmonella, hysteria, poisonous algae,
09:38man-eating fungus that comes up through the drains.
09:42Man-eating fungus?
09:44She says she saw it on the news, but I reckon it was Doctor Who.
09:48I think they all start to blur in her mind in the end.
09:51It was her late husband had that morbid fear of giant spiders.
09:56Every time he heard the cat flap go,
09:58he used to break out into a cold sweat.
10:03Yes.
10:04Well, can you imagine carrying your own toilet seat
10:07about everywhere with you?
10:09Must be a bit of a handicap.
10:11What does she do when she's got two bags of shopping?
10:15Wear it round her neck.
10:21Well, that's that.
10:24And I'm still wide awake.
10:29Perhaps I'll make a milky drink.
10:32Do you want one?
10:33Oh, yes, I suppose so. Might as well.
10:35Try anything.
10:36All right.
10:41Put a drop of rum in it.
10:51Oh, God.
10:55Perhaps if I read something, that would help.
11:02What have we got?
11:06A brief history of time.
11:08Or the autobiography of Res Varnie.
11:13Bloody book clubs.
11:24I know what I could do.
11:27I could open last year's Christmas present
11:29from Ronnie and Mildred.
11:31To dearest Victor,
11:42just a little something to wish you
11:43a Merry Christmas and a prosperous 1990
11:46from Ronnie and Mildred.
11:48No, I'm not that bored yet.
11:50Oh.
11:50No, it's still not straight.
12:12That's got it.
12:19That's straight.
12:294291.
12:31What?
12:33Yes, it is straight.
12:34What do you mean not from where you are standing?
12:41You can't see from right across the road, I know.
12:44Hey, what are you doing up at this time?
12:45Oh, can't you?
12:50Yes, I'm sorry about that.
12:51They were supposed to have fixed it,
12:53but you know what it's like with garages.
12:56Yes.
12:58Yeah.
12:59Yes, I hope you do, too.
13:01Good night.
13:02Good night.
13:02Good night.
13:04The rest of that milk was off,
13:08so I had to use powdered and we're out of rum.
13:11Hmm.
13:31God, this tastes revolting.
13:34I know.
13:38It came through the front door.
13:40There's several Olympic pole vaulters
13:41supposed to swear by it.
13:52Oh, that shampoo makes my hair all dry.
13:55I won't use that again.
13:56Which one's that?
13:57Oh, it's another new one on the market.
13:59That came through the front door as well.
14:00Just as well, they don't have a sales push-on for motorcycles.
14:07A bit of a Harley Davidson coming through the front door.
14:10Mowing us all to the ground when we came down for breakfast.
14:16A man from the local pet shop was coming around this morning,
14:19delivering free trial offer chihuahuas.
14:23Hammering them through people's letterboxes with a large mallet.
14:26I expect you a good house tomorrow.
14:31More than likely.
14:37Is it all right if I put the light out now?
14:39Yes.
14:40Oh, God, my legs started twitching now.
15:01I wondered when that was going to happen.
15:05Oh, it's shaking about like a Morris dancer.
15:09All you need to do is put a couple of bells in the end of it.
15:12Oh, I can't stop it.
15:13It's always the same when my muscles get tense.
15:16Here we go.
15:17Ministry of silly walks.
15:20Oh.
15:21Oh.
15:22Oh.
15:23Oh.
15:24It's no laughing matter if you had to put up with it.
15:31You don't take enough exercise.
15:34That's your problem.
15:36Too much sitting around all day.
15:39Sitting around fretting about everything under the sun.
15:44No wonder you end up all on edge.
15:46Oh.
15:46Oh.
15:46Can't so much as suck a polo without crunching it.
15:58You can't.
16:00Go right through the entire packet like a beaver in one of those old cartoons.
16:06I think if I stick it in the air, stretch it and stop the trembling.
16:14Oh.
16:18That's better.
16:19That's better.
16:19That's better.
16:44What the hell's going on?
16:52It's that cat sitting on the front bar.
16:54I'm sure going. Come on.
16:56I'm not finding it.
16:58What's wrong with this bloody thing?
17:00The battery's gone.
17:02I can't believe it. I can't believe it.
17:04I'll have to switch it over the key under the bottle.
17:06Get in my slippers.
17:08Here.
17:14Here.
17:16Here.
17:18Here.
17:20Here.
17:22Here.
17:23Here.
17:24I'll work with that garage tomorrow. You see if I don't leave your car over three
17:48days and they do nothing. Probably using it to go about joyriding in. I swear I can smell seaweed from that air filter.
17:57Victor, what in your snatch you've got on your foot? Where?
18:06You've got your foot in a rotting hitch!
18:08Oh, God! It must have been when my slipper came off. I thought it was a bit soggy. I thought it was just perspiration.
18:20It's daddy! It's daddy! What are you doing? Yeah, give it.
18:27Oh, there it is. Oh, dirty thing. Where do they come from?
18:31Oh, you're right for sitting in my car!
18:43Come here.
18:49Oh, look. You've got all these little needles stuck in your foot.
18:55Oh, I've had it for one night, Margaret. I have straight. I was just getting off then as well.
19:01Just getting to sleep and dreaming. Dreaming this really strange dream.
19:07It emptied all the water out of Loch Ness to see if there was any monsters.
19:12And when the lake was completely empty, there lying in the mud was this giant 60-foot-long teaspoon.
19:22There. I think that's got the worst of it out.
19:26Oh, I should watch where you're treading the next time.
19:34Oh, God. I'm not going to get any sleep tonight of any kind.
19:38Why don't you just bring the laboratory in here?
19:43All right.
19:44If you're on like this, you'll be as dehydrated as that hedgehog.
19:48Remember what happened to the Wicked Witch of the West?
19:59Oh, bloody night long. I might as well have taken that job as a night watchman.
20:03I nearly did if I hadn't been for the pittance of her offering.
20:08This is the record you'd live on.
20:11I was thinking the other day that I might apply for the job as a Duchess of York.
20:16Seems to me a profession with a certain amount of security.
20:20Do get made redundant. Miners, steel workers, you can do without.
20:24But you know that York will always need a Duchess to stop it grinding to a complete standstill.
20:34One of the few certainties in life.
20:37I could always take my city in guilds and grinning.
20:45Do you remember the first time we ever slept together?
20:49How could I forget?
20:50That bloody dripping tap.
20:55That kept us awake half the night if you recall.
20:58You hogged the bed.
21:01Who did?
21:02You did. Sleeping diagonally across the bed from corner to corner.
21:06I used to think it was romantic in those days having your right elbow up my nose.
21:11Why didn't you move me then?
21:13Because I wasn't sitting at the controls of a bulldozer at the time.
21:16I did contemplate jabbing you in the back side with a hat pin.
21:21But I didn't want to wake that baby at number 43.
21:24I wouldn't think twice about it today.
21:27Don't remember ever hogging the bed.
21:30And you used to suck your thumb when you sleep.
21:33When did I?
21:34For the first three years we were married.
21:38Some nights you used to suck my thumb.
21:41You've never told me about this before.
21:43Talk about a late developer at the age of 26.
21:47If you've ever wondered why you've got stumpy thumbs now you know.
21:52And you used to cuddle the hot water bottle as well pretending it was a teddy bear.
21:56I did nothing of the sort.
21:58I remember it burst one night.
22:00Well that's because you kept pressing it in the middle trying to make it squeak.
22:03Do we have to go on about this?
22:06And I do not have stumpy thumbs.
22:13Anyway.
22:14You used to talk in your sleep.
22:16You used to sing in your sleep.
22:19And lying there just dozing off.
22:22And what did I hear?
22:23Ladies and gentlemen the voice of David Whitfield.
22:26And then three minutes of caramere mine.
22:30And if you'd had a lump of cheese for your supper we used to get a selection from Eddie Calvert as well.
22:36Cherry blossom pink being snored through a trumpet.
22:41Look can we just drop this subject now then please?
22:44You brought it up.
22:45Yes I'm sorry I did.
22:48Cherry blossom pink.
22:50Lady next door came round one night to ask if the cat had got his tail stuck in the mango.
22:56I think can we drop it?
23:07Oh god.
23:09There it is.
23:10Can you hear it?
23:11The rattle of distant milk bottles.
23:16That's the beginning of the end now.
23:18You might as well get up and put the kettle on.
23:24I saw that advert again today.
23:27Buy the Daily Mail because you can read it without getting ink in your fingers.
23:33By that token you might as well have a cup of bleach for your breakfast because it doesn't stay in the teapot.
23:40Some papers these days I don't know especially the one your mother reads.
23:44She says she likes it because it's conservative with a small c.
23:49Yes I believe Joseph Goebbels was a Nazi with a small n.
23:53You can imagine if the history books have been written the same way as the newspapers have written.
24:001215 King John signs the Magna Carta.
24:031216 King John showed a shapely anchor when the wind blew up his cloaked runny meat.
24:09Sparking off rumours that he might be in a super new low calorie diet.
24:15Potty Panker sat it again.
24:18The slaughter of the innocents.
24:20No British babies believed to be involved.
24:23I'm sorry.
24:32I wasn't thinking.
24:33It's all right.
24:33Berkling on as usual.
24:35The first thing that came into my head you don't know what you're saying.
24:38I know I do it myself sometimes.
24:43I was thinking about him just this morning finally now.
24:46Running into Guinness outside the post office with Michael.
24:51She had him just the four days before if you remember.
24:53She was coming out of hospital just as I was going in.
24:58He's still working for that insurance company.
25:01They're talking about moving him to his own branch up north somewhere.
25:04She'll miss him.
25:09She never had any others.
25:12He'd just bought his mum an ice cream then he was going to run her up to doctors.
25:18It doesn't seem five minutes since it was the other way round.
25:25I always think of Stuart when I see him.
25:29God he's enormous now.
25:31His eldest girl's just starting at the secondary.
25:38I wonder what he would have gone into.
25:42I wonder if he'd have gone into insurance.
25:44I'll divide it my way.
25:48You make so many plans for your life when you're young.
25:51I don't know what I imagined I'd be doing when I was 55.
25:59Seemed like so far in the future it had never happened.
26:04A year was an eternity when you were a child.
26:09The time between one Christmas and the next.
26:12Yes about two months now.
26:16Draping tinsel over the easter eggs before long.
26:20Why can't they let you live your life at your own speed?
26:27Oh God I knew it wouldn't be long before he started.
26:31Who?
26:32That bloody sparrow.
26:36What's he got to be up so early for?
26:37Shut up!
26:39One of these days I got to sneak up to his nest when he's asleep with a Welsh male voice choir.
26:45Three choruses of men of Harlach would have him laugh on the other side of his beak.
26:49Oh God.
26:54Hardly worth coming to bed for all the rest I've had.
26:57I mean what's the point of it?
27:00Get in each night feeling as right as rain by the time I get up you'll feel absolutely terrible.
27:07Pure ritual.
27:10It's like life I suppose.
27:14What the point is in living doesn't seem to get you anywhere does it?
27:19You know, ask that sparrow.
27:21He seems happy enough and all he ever does is eat bits of burnt toast and a few worms.
27:26He's still got plenty to sing about obviously.
27:29Yes.
27:32I wonder what his secret is.
27:35Perhaps it is his diet.
27:37You won't be able to have porridge for your breakfast tomorrow.
27:48We're out of milk.
27:49I'll have powdered.
27:52But also out of porridge.
27:55Ah, well I'll have something different.
27:58What?
27:59I think I might try worms and toast for a change.
28:11We'll open a new can in the morning.
28:13We'll open a new can in the morning.
28:15We'll open a new can in the morning.
28:17Yes, we always seem to.
28:19We'll open a new can in the morning.
28:20We'll open a new can in the morning.
28:22We'll open a new can in the morning.
28:23They say I might as well face the truth.
28:27But I am just too long in the tooth.
28:30I've started to deteriorate.
28:33And now I've passed my own sail-by date.
28:37Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true.
28:41I have to pop my teeth into tube.
28:44And my old knees have started to knock.
28:48I've just got too many miles on the clock.
28:51So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly set in my ways.
28:55It's true that my body has seen better days.
28:58But give me off a chance and I can still misbehave.
29:02One foot in the grind.
29:06One foot in the grind.
29:09One foot in the grind.
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