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00:00They Say
00:30Oh, right. She wants to attack all your men in Japan with two dice from Mongolia.
00:43Where's the sooty egg cup?
00:45Oh, sorry.
00:52Double four.
00:53Double four to beat this time, Mum.
00:55Oh, hang on a minute. She's dropped her dice in the germaline.
01:03Have you got it now?
01:05Right. No. He got a double four.
01:09Yes.
01:11Double five.
01:12What a surprise. How very convenient. I'd never have guessed.
01:16What's that supposed to mean?
01:18How do we know what she's doing sitting over there and catering with her own board encounters?
01:21This is the way the Third Reich started.
01:26With a sooty egg cup?
01:29She's conquered more countries since the archers finished than Hitler did in a lifetime.
01:35No, it's nothing, Mum. Just Victor coughing up an opal fruit.
01:41You want to go in for the kill and wipe him off the board?
01:44Don't encourage her.
01:45Awful when someone's a bad loser.
01:49I know.
01:50Who's a bad loser? You wrap up and get over your knitting.
01:55Right. One army left.
02:00Five.
02:01Five.
02:04Six.
02:04Well, that's that then. That's me blasted off the board for the third game running by the Allied forces of Mini Crun.
02:14Why don't bother?
02:15Right. It's my turn, Mum.
02:16Hang on while I get the...
02:18Oh, right.
02:20He's just going to the loo now.
02:24So when's he due to have his leg off?
02:26Friday morning.
02:26All being well.
02:30Glad to see the back of it.
02:32Seven weeks with that monstrosity.
02:35Oh, someone's written something on it.
02:37I can't quite read it.
02:40Nothing of any importance?
02:42West Ham wonkers.
02:46How's that it made of?
02:47I'll just go and get some ice.
02:49That was when he fell asleep in the park last Saturday afternoon.
02:52There was an obscene drawing of Salman Rushdie on his shin.
02:57But it came off with some lemon pledge.
03:01It's been a real episode, hasn't it?
03:03Oh, what with one thing and another.
03:08How anyone can break their leg buying a shirt in Millets is beyond the university.
03:16But after about the first three weeks, he did just about manage to get used to it.
03:21You know, till the itching started.
03:25Drove him totally mad for four or five days.
03:30He had fuse wired down at God noses.
03:34In the end, it got so bad, we had to go back up the hospital to get some expert advice.
03:40And that's when they found it.
03:42Doctor said it was one of the rarest things he'd ever known.
03:45For someone to have an ant's nest down their plastic house.
03:48There was no question about it.
03:55You could see them all scuttling in and out of the flies on his underpants.
04:01I just put it down to the hot weather, you know.
04:05Anyway, we put a blob of nipple on the fleshy part of each of his thighs and that seemed to do the trick.
04:09But I tell you, Jean, never again.
04:15So, um, you think it's a good moment yet?
04:19Sorry?
04:20Oh, yes.
04:21When he comes in again, ask him now.
04:24Right.
04:24Sounds as if she's fallen asleep in there again.
04:29I think I'll ring back later.
04:33So, anyhow, Jean, how's it all shaping up?
04:37Have you found anyone yet to play that other part in your nativity production?
04:41Not yet.
04:42No.
04:43Look at this.
04:45Half a bloody rainforest in here.
04:49The ideal Christmas gift.
04:52This superb reproduction 200 years old antique commode.
04:57What are they used for toilet paper, the Dead Sea Scrolls?
05:00As a matter of fact, we were wondering if you'd be interested, Mr. Meldrew.
05:07Interested in what?
05:09In playing one of the parts for us in this year's nativity.
05:14Oh, depends what the part is.
05:17It's the back half of a cow.
05:23Oh, so it's not just any old part.
05:26Oh, no, no, not at all.
05:29As I say, Mr. Gosling from the chip shop was originally down for it.
05:33Then he backed out because he was afraid of looking stupid.
05:36And that's when we thought of you.
05:40And especially after last year, when you were so good as the king of the toadstools.
05:45I reckon you'd be a natural.
05:48Well, I'm sorry.
05:49I'm not spending two hours bending over with my head stuck up.
05:53Someone else is...
05:54Can you do toadstools?
05:58What are you talking about?
06:00Last year, when you played that giant toadstool in Babes in the Wood.
06:04Giant toadstool?
06:05I never played a giant toadstool.
06:08What was it then?
06:09A giant mushroom?
06:10It wasn't a giant mushroom.
06:12It wasn't any form of champion fungus of any kind.
06:15It wasn't then Babes in the Wood.
06:17I didn't even see the bloody thing.
06:19Well, it had your walk.
06:24And it's not often you see a toadstool that round-shouldered.
06:29Are you sure it wasn't, Jean?
06:30Oh, for goodness sake!
06:31Oh, you might as well save your breath, Jean.
06:34You'll get nothing out of him till after Christmas.
06:37It's a waste of time trying.
06:39He won't even have a tree in the house this year.
06:42Refuse his point, Ben.
06:43Oh, you've got to have a tree in the house, Mr. Meldrew, for Christmas.
06:50What for?
06:51So you can tie chocolate rabbits to them and watch them melt under the lights?
06:56Or they can drip all over the carpets and dry up like miniature cowpats?
07:00It's not even Christmas anymore.
07:05It's just a four-month trade fair.
07:08Organised by retailers and advertising agencies.
07:12Yes, what better way to celebrate the birth of Christ
07:15than by filling your intestines up with newberry fruits?
07:19I rather fancy having every bone in my body crushed to a pulp today.
07:25Perhaps I'll go down to W.H. Smith's and spend five minutes in the book department.
07:28So you...
07:31You don't want to, then?
07:33What?
07:34Play the back half of a cow.
07:36It's only for one night,
07:38and you could swish your tail about with a concealed wire.
07:50No!
07:50Nope, I haven't a clue.
07:59I did think he could do with a new watch.
08:01The one he's got's always slow.
08:03But he seems to like it that way.
08:05He says time goes far too quickly as it is.
08:08Well, what did you get him last year?
08:11Oh, well, no, I wouldn't get him that again.
08:13The condition's nearly healed up now.
08:15Well, I don't know.
08:19I have been racking my brains for a month,
08:22and I can't think...
08:24We've ordered a cape on this year.
08:27We thought it might not be quite so dry.
08:30That's great, Aunt Joyce.
08:31Tell her in no account I want three more jars of petroleum jelly
08:35wrapped up in the form of a Christmas cracker.
08:39Um, yes, dear, and he sends his love.
08:42OK, I'll speak to you soon.
08:44Bye!
08:45What can that be?
08:46The postman's already been.
08:47You'll have to make yourself a fresh pot of tea.
08:49Haven't done anything about this pressure yet.
08:52Better cancel the plumber
08:53to give a specialist in geriatric bladder disorders.
08:58Oh, God almighty!
09:04That wind's getting up again.
09:06The cell and the radio might be in for another hurricane.
09:10Who was that?
09:10Too much to expect it was a plumber, I suppose.
09:13No, it wasn't a plumber.
09:16I think it was some sort of delivery driver.
09:19I think he must just have rung the bell and then left.
09:22Delivery driver?
09:23Delivering what?
09:28Margaret?
09:29Delivering what?
09:30Oh...
09:30Look, I don't want to debate about it.
09:36I know what I ordered.
09:37I've got the document in front of me now.
09:39I quite specifically ordered one Excelsior garden gnome, catalogue number 263.
09:46I must have put it in the wrong column.
09:51It only takes a bit of common sense.
09:53What could I possibly want with 263 bloody garden gnomes in the first place?
09:58It's like pressure in Munchkinland out here.
10:03Three months I've been waiting for this order.
10:05I want one gnome by the front door, a lark and a bloody population explosion.
10:14What?
10:15I don't be...
10:17She says we've got to fill in one of them return all their chitties and send them back as
10:21unsatisfactory goods and any of the items that they're even slightly damaged will be charged
10:27for.
10:30Sir, that's two blown over already.
10:34If we leave them out here, the whole lot will go for a burden.
10:38Oh, my God, I love you.
11:06seems to have died down a bit out there now
11:19the telephone line is still out of action
11:22yes
11:23said on the local news a lot of people have had their electricity cut off
11:28might have to do without all over christmas
11:34well at least they won't have to watch television
11:37sit through all that festive tripe
11:40oh Scylla Black can you imagine a fate worse than death
11:45she's got a very infectious laugh
11:49so is a hyena with anthrax
11:51I might try that new video place tomorrow my way back from the hospital
11:59see if they'll get anything worth
12:04what the hell are you grinning at
12:06will you get away from me
12:09like sleeping in bloody Snow White's cottage
12:12I had a word with Aileen's husband
12:18he said for 20 quid he could run them back to the warehouse on his truck
12:21but it won't be until Wednesday morning
12:22oh
12:23I'll be glad when it's all over I will straight
12:26all the miseries in the world seem a hundred times worse at christmas
12:32I suppose it was always the same
12:35don't suppose there was ever any magic in it
12:38only in old films with jimmy stewart
12:41never in real life
12:43what do you want for christmas
12:45a set of razor blades to slash my wrist with
12:48god almighty you're in a bright mood all of a sudden
12:53if it's that much of an ordeal you needn't bother
12:57I told you before you needn't go splashing over me
13:00you won't worry me if I don't get anything
13:02all right then I won't
13:04you know what we said last year
13:08it's only a ritual
13:09if we both agree not to buy anything
13:12it'll avoid any worries and there won't be any disappointments
13:14fine by me
13:17fine then
13:23right
13:29we'll require three pieces of identification
13:32plus an official document such as
13:34driver's license bearing your normal signature
13:36there's a 60 pound deposit
13:38and the rental charges are from 1 pound to 2 pound 50 daily
13:41all tapes are to be returned by 7.30 prompt
13:43after which a further 2 pounds is purple
13:45plus a 50p surcharge
13:47should you forget to rewind the tape
13:48right
13:51here's my birth certificate
13:53here's a document containing my normal signature
13:56here's a document containing an abnormal signature
13:58written whilst wearing a boxing glove
14:00here's a check for the required amount
14:02and here's a pound of my flesh
14:05as I realise I must forfeit at any time
14:08should I have the top three in the film
14:11I'll go and put this onto hard dibs
14:14give officers
14:17I'll go and print your name
14:18and I'll be back now
14:19I'll be back here
14:20back
14:20mister
14:22and dog
14:23you
14:24and I'll be back for now
14:24within the film
14:24WILLIAM JACKGOWRIPR natürlich
14:25in the film
14:26then I'll be back here
14:28every Cela
14:28and I'll be back for third
14:29the film
14:31and his lint
14:32and I have
14:33to smoke
14:34it
14:35and I'll climb
14:35to the film
14:36this
14:37gibt
14:38and I'll 사건
14:38that
14:39and I'll end
14:39and I'll kot
14:39in Amanda
14:40there
14:41go and
14:42time
14:42Your card, then, Mr Meldrum.
14:46Can I ask, do these film categories you have here mean anything at all?
14:52I mean, look at this, under family.
14:53Cook, the thief, his wife, and a lover, and confessions of a werewolf prostitute.
14:59I don't know what sort of family you belong to.
15:02I mean, you've got Santa Claus the movie under horror.
15:06Fair enough.
15:06But under children's, you've got Nightmare on Elm Street 3 and The Blob.
15:12It's how people put them back on the shelves.
15:14I haven't got time to show them.
15:16Have you heard your little kiddies think this is jolly good fun, do they?
15:18Watching some decomposing corpse sucking people's blood out like a carton of Ribena?
15:23I suppose this is an ideal bedtime story in your house, is it?
15:28Two hours of some bloke with a roasted face going loopy with a chainsaw?
15:33What sort of film, exactly, were you after?
15:38I don't suppose you've got angels with dirty faces.
15:41Who's in it?
15:44A little-known actor called James Cagney.
15:48If he's very big in his day, it's the back half of a cow.
15:50No?
15:51Well, then it might.
15:52Perhaps in that case I'll have Arnold Schwarzenegger and Rat-Tag and Blob, too.
15:56That is probably a carton that comes in.
15:58Thank you for your help.
16:00Good morning.
16:01How did it go?
16:09All right?
16:11Yes, fine.
16:12They've got this machine that they just go right down the plaster.
16:15There's still a load of leaves and stuff out the front I haven't cleared yet.
16:19If you're looking for a job...
16:20Yes, all right.
16:21Well, thank you very much, great Aunt Joyce.
16:40I wonder what it is.
16:45A bottle of something nice.
16:48Or five more jars of petroleum jelly.
16:51Oh, wonders will never cease.
17:06How goes it, Mrs. Meldrew?
17:08Are you winning?
17:10Oh, good morning.
17:13We have met Tom Croker.
17:15I'm Pippa's father.
17:16I've just...
17:18Oh, dear.
17:21Forgive me.
17:22I've got a streamer coming on, I think.
17:24Bless you.
17:25It sounds as if you ought to get back indoors.
17:27I'd love to.
17:28I'm afraid I've just locked myself out of the wretched house.
17:31Oh, no.
17:34Is there no one else in?
17:35They've both gone shopping.
17:37Patrick very kindly let me come over today to use his computer.
17:41I just popped out the front of the car.
17:43The door slammed shut.
17:44Oh, dear.
18:01Excuse the nose.
18:04It's a bit of a story.
18:06You're very kind, Mrs. Meldrew.
18:10Oh, what have you got here?
18:11Plain truth?
18:12War cry?
18:15Four copies of watchtower.
18:17Is your husband a man of strong religious beliefs?
18:20Well, he strongly believes in castrating Jehovah's Witnesses.
18:26I don't know if that counts at all.
18:27Time of year, Mrs. Meldrew.
18:29Lot of it about.
18:29Is having fun.
18:31I don't know if that counts.
18:33I don't know.
18:39Fuck.
18:39Ooh.
18:39Oh, good morning to you.
19:04You must be Mr. Meldrew, Tom Croker.
19:07Yes.
19:08I am sorry to disturb you like this.
19:10I won't need to impose upon you too long.
19:12I'm sure it's just that I...
19:14I'm sorry, I'm really not interested.
19:16But I was like you.
19:17Stranded on the outside without a key happens all too often, doesn't it?
19:21Yes, I know.
19:22How much are the magazines?
19:24Um, I beg your pardon?
19:2630p is it to cover the cost of the printing?
19:28Here we are.
19:29Very kind of you to call.
19:30Thank you very much.
19:31I'll read this later.
19:32Happy Christmas to you.
19:33Oh, Mr. Meldrew, I'm sorry.
19:35I ought to explain the reason that I'm actually...
19:38I'm really, very busy.
19:40Thank you very much indeed.
19:41Good time.
19:45I'm going to get rid of these ruddy people.
19:49Oh, pardon me.
19:50Even...
19:51What am I doing?
19:59I should be an insult.
20:06I should be.
20:12Victor?
20:18It isn't that Victor doesn't believe in God.
20:21It's just that they haven't been on speaking terms lately.
20:26Perhaps you could put in a good word for it.
20:28That won't be very easy, I'm afraid.
20:31You see, Victor may, but I'm afraid I don't.
20:34Don't what?
20:35Believe in God.
20:38So?
20:38I don't believe in God.
20:41Of course, I used to.
20:42Used to believe in fairies and elves once upon a time.
20:46Used to believe in the SDP's economic policy.
20:51I'm afraid this last year I've had the most terrible crisis of faith.
20:54Everything crumbled.
20:56After 40 years ministering, it was most unnerving, I can't tell you.
21:00That is why this will be my last Christmas with the church.
21:05On January the 1st, I'm leaving to go and work in resins.
21:10Resins?
21:12Yes.
21:12Rising new company has offered me a position on the board.
21:15Very handsome salary.
21:17My time of life, it was manna from heaven.
21:21Only I can remember quite clearly when I first discovered God.
21:26It was September the 4th, 1951, and then I lost him again one day last summer.
21:37Woke up one morning in July, and he was gone.
21:42Make him sound like a hamster.
21:49Grieves me more than I can say, but I have to go with my conscience.
21:53Faith is absolute, or it's nothing at all.
21:56And when I look around and try to explain,
22:01I explain to someone like Mrs. Burridge.
22:05She's a young mother, barely 30.
22:08Most devout and reverent of Christians.
22:10The little boy, age six.
22:14Last Monday, her husband left the house to fly to Munich on a business trip.
22:19He was going to be away seven days, come back on Christmas Eve,
22:24so they could all attend midnight mass together.
22:28He never even got to the airport.
22:30The car collided with a petrol tanker, and he was burnt alive, the steering wheel.
22:42Words of comfort come hard, Mrs. Meldrow.
22:45Well, there isn't much you can say, is there?
22:50It's pitiful to see a woman with her appetite for living so absolutely crushed.
22:57And yet from somewhere she finds the strength to carry on with her life,
23:02which can't be easy.
23:04Working in that video shop all day long,
23:09dishing out death and destruction to amuse the masses.
23:13Perhaps you know her.
23:14It's quite near here, a corner of Hogarth Avenue.
23:17Young girl with long blonde hair.
23:19No, but then I very rarely go in this shop.
23:22Hello.
23:23Sounds as if they're back.
23:24Yes.
23:26Oh, you can get back to your computer now.
23:28Oh, I am so sorry to be a bit morbid.
23:31Goodbye, Mr. Meldrow.
23:32Merry Christmas.
23:33Merry Christmas.
23:34It's lovely to have met you, anyway.
23:35I mean, don't usually go around spreading doom and gloom in other people's houses.
23:39Oh, just worry about it.
23:41Goodbye.
23:42Goodbye.
23:43Goodbye.
23:43Merry Merry Christmas.
23:44Goodbye.
23:45Goodbye.
23:47Don't.
23:48Whatever you do, just do it.
23:52All right, then, I won't.
23:54I don't know why I agreed.
23:55I said I wouldn't do it.
23:56I swore I wouldn't do it.
23:59Well, why did you do it, then?
24:00Nothing short of a complete total of the humiliation in front of 500 cackling crows in the woman's
24:07right hour.
24:10Teary to blame is more like the gospel according to the Marx Brothers.
24:14Can I get any of that before you guzzle it all back?
24:17Swallow all my pride, every last ounce of dignity to dress up as a back half of a cow, and what
24:22do I find?
24:23The costume department's lost a front half.
24:26But not to worry, Mrs. Prowse took the rescue, with the front half of a giant rabbit left
24:34over from Easter.
24:36With any luck, no one will notice a difference.
24:39That's not a bad drop of plunk for great-aunt Joyce.
24:43Ended up lumbering around the crib like the results of some horrible vivisection experiment.
24:48I'm still peckish.
24:51Do you want to heat up the rest of that bubble and squeak before we go to bed?
24:56And that was a moving moment, wasn't it?
24:58When the angel of the Lord came down and said, bugger me, what the hell's happening here?
25:06I've never seen such a cheapskate production.
25:09The three wise men were all cardboard cutters.
25:11I suppose you noticed that.
25:13Half the audience thought the stable was being invaded by the pirates from Captain Pugwash.
25:18And he would have thought at least they could have found a child's doll or something as a baby Jesus.
25:25That was the absolute limit.
25:27A marrow wrapped in swaddling toes.
25:30Oh, for goodness sake!
25:32Shut up going on and on about the bloody thing!
25:35You've made your point.
25:36It was a complete disaster.
25:37Now let it rest.
25:38Who's that at this time of night?
25:45I'm finished with amateur dramatics for life.
25:47I am straight.
25:48Hello, love!
25:50Merry Christmas!
25:51Merry Christmas!
25:52We heard you come in, so we thought we'd just try and catch you.
25:54Oh, come on in.
25:56Have some sherry.
25:59Oh, see what you mean about all your goblins?
26:04Yes.
26:07How's your father?
26:08Oh, he's got a lot on his mind this Christmas, hasn't he?
26:11It's nice meeting him, in spite of all the mishaps.
26:15There we are.
26:18Merry Christmas.
26:20Merry Christmas.
26:21Cheers.
26:22That's what we came round for, actually.
26:24Not being irrelevant.
26:26What's that?
26:27My father's Christmas present.
26:29Sorry?
26:30The bottle of wine.
26:31Fortnum and Mason delivered it yesterday morning.
26:34I hope you don't mind us asking him to deliver it to you,
26:36but we weren't exactly sure when it would arrive.
26:38And I didn't want to risk him spotting it.
26:41But I've tumbled it straight away.
26:44A bottle of wine.
26:46Being a collector.
26:48Well, a fanatic, really, when it comes to his wine.
26:51Oh, he's been after this particular one for God knows how long.
26:55It's a real strike of luck that we found it, really.
26:57It's Chateau-Chevenin-Mersault, 1924.
27:01Incredibly rare.
27:03He's got his 60th birthday coming up on the 28th,
27:06so it's a sort of big combined present for the two.
27:09Oh, it's amazing, really, isn't it?
27:11To think of a bottle of wine that's ten years older than your father.
27:15It's amazing to think of a bottle of wine that costs you 850 quid.
27:19Oh, shh!
27:20You don't have to keep shouting about the price.
27:22Oh, well, I'll just get it for you.
27:36It's not there from next door.
27:38It's a bit lit-beard in the garden.
27:39What have they watched?
27:40Victor, that very expensive bottle of wine
27:53that was sent to us by Great Aunt Joyce yesterday,
27:55it wasn't from Great Aunt Joyce, and it wasn't for us.
27:58It's not from Great Aunt Joyce, but it's said of the card.
28:00Yes, the card was from her.
28:04The wine was from a very expensive place in London.
28:08It belongs to Patrick and Pippa.
28:10And the couriers left it in our house for safe-keeping.
28:21It cost 850 pounds.
28:24It's been perfectly preserved for over 60 years.
28:27And you've just poured the last drops in the bottle and squawk!
28:40And I'll go and rest my neck on a railway line.
28:54What are you doing?
28:58I'm going to fill it up and then stick the cork back in.
29:01A thing like this, nobody ever drinks it.
29:03You put it down in a cellar and just look at it.
29:05Now, with a bit of luck, nobody will notice the difference.
29:07Oh, it's the bloody thing!
29:12Get me the funnel after that drawer.
29:15What are you doing now?
29:16I'm sorry to be so long.
29:33We couldn't quite remember where we put it.
29:35Oh, thank you.
29:36Now, guard that with your life.
29:38Don't worry.
29:39Now, we won't keep you any longer,
29:41because I'm sure you're ready for your bed.
29:42Yes.
29:43Thanks for the sherry.
29:44Oh, you had a talk.
29:45A pleasure.
29:46And Merry Christmas.
29:47Yes.
29:48Merry Christmas to you too.
29:49Good night.
29:50Good night.
29:51Good night.
29:51Good night.
29:54If you do believe in God,
30:01I'd say now's the time to start saying your prayers.
30:04Today,
30:34is the last Sunday
30:35that I shall stand before you
30:37as the incumbent priest
30:39in the parish of St. Luke's.
30:42No exaggeration to say
30:44that this is one of the saddest days of my life.
30:49And yet, as I look around the faces of you
30:51here before me,
30:53I'm only too well aware
30:54that there are those amongst you
30:56whose burden of grief
30:57is far, far greater than mine.
31:00To all of you,
31:02I send my fondest thanks
31:04of my sincere assurances
31:06that as I make my way
31:07to pastures new,
31:10from the world of holy orders
31:12to the world of multinational,
31:14industrial,
31:15plastics,
31:16condominates,
31:16I shall continue to hold dear
31:18all those timeless virtues
31:20of benevolence,
31:21compassion,
31:23sensitivity,
31:24and all the...
31:26Excuse me.
31:30Duncan, how are you?
31:31I'm in the middle of a sound
31:34at the moment.
31:36Are you at the office?
31:38Yes, I will,
31:40as soon as I'm through.
32:01Are you at the postman?
32:07Sorry?
32:11Oh, thank you.
32:12Adam.
32:19Ah.
32:21Mrs. Byrd, I just wanted to,
32:22the other day,
32:23I just wanted to say that
32:24the things that I said at the time,
32:27I was just,
32:27ah...
32:28one day.
32:34One day,
32:35one day...
32:37One day,
32:38I was like de expensive
32:38to tryונle...
32:38one day.
32:40Another one...
32:40One...
32:42One day,
32:47anadoly,
32:48one day.
32:53One day,
32:54one day,
32:56one day who was
32:56one day.
32:56One day who was
32:57one day.
32:58it's still wobbling about out there what is that tree outside mrs ellsbury's opposite
33:11got very badly weakened in the storm and now the kids have been playing lumberjacks trying
33:17to get it to go through her upstairs window they've phoned the parks department five times
33:24but it seems the phones are all still off i've never known a christmas like it yes it hasn't
33:30been the happiest on record for anyone i suppose if it teaches us something it teaches us to be
33:39thankful and not to go about what am i doing with this i went downstairs for a book i've just about
33:50had enough of you matey i have straight victor you are not to put his head down the toilet again
34:04oh i forgot to tell you i i met the reverend
34:34croaker again today you know pippa's father says they're laying on some special dinners for the
34:38homeless at christmas down the community center give them a decent meal for once in a year
34:43yeah i said i'd go along and give them a hand help with the washing up or something
34:50i'll miss you christmas dinner you can have it at tea time it's not that big a deal it's only a few
35:01hours do something worthwhile this year for once in my life oh so i'm to spend christmas morning alone
35:09oh no am i oh my goodness look what if i was the poop you wouldn't see me at all there would you
35:17i mean what happened to goodwill to all men
35:20and that's from mr mrs burkett send all their love and best wishes they've been spending their money on
35:36it's a shame you wouldn't have a tree in the house not the same without a tree is it
35:41always have a tree even if it's only a little one yes
35:51oh dear
35:51i did tell them you wanted one but that was before the uh
36:04well better be running along i suppose got a few more calls to make
36:11so you won't be having your dinner till this evening now then
36:14no still give you more time i must say i thought that was a very generous gesture
36:23not like victor at all well not like any husband really giving up his christmas day to go down that
36:30drafty old community center pity a few more can't be bothered right oh oh gloves
36:39oh it's turned really chilly out there now poor car said we might have some snow tonight
36:47well bye bye margaret see you soon merry christmas and thanks for the sherry yes bye jean and thank you
37:09there we are just the last of the sprites victor if anyone wants more all right
37:39is it okay for you can you tell me the time at all um oh no i can't actually i didn't do my watch
37:58on this warning 2 51 and two seconds precisely is it is it good two five one two two five one two in the year of our lord one nine nine oh
38:15yes something to think about there we've lost the ability to tell time for ourselves you see
38:21it's all done with clocks these days it takes away all the skill squinting at quartz analog watches
38:29measuring the sun's passage across the firmament not many people left can actually tell the time anymore
38:37not many of us left
38:38so if you want any more gravy that i don't mind waiting mr meldrew i don't mind waiting one little bit
38:56so
39:04i
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41:46i
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42:00i
42:02i'm not sure i getting through to him i'm afraid he seems quite pleased with the new set of clothes but
42:06he doesn't seem quite ready to leave the building just yet
42:08i
42:10i say what the devil does he think he's paying out
42:38i
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46:54i
46:56i've
46:58i've seen him in the park feeding the squirrels
47:02now
47:04come on
47:06put that thing down
47:08and we can all go home
47:14do you want to smack around the head
47:18i
47:20i
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49:06i
49:08that
49:10well they said it wouldn't come too much
49:12hmm
49:13uh
49:14now i
49:15i
49:17i know we said you know we agreed
49:18about um
49:19not
49:21giving each other anything for Christmas
49:23so don't start moaning
49:24right
49:26but
49:27happy Christmas anyway
49:30o
49:32o
49:34oh thank you I don't know what I mean I wasn't buy me a new watch for well you
49:56can throw that other thing away and stop trying to guess the time well I suppose
50:02I might as well confess what's that I've done the same thing I've bought myself a new watch as well
50:21sorry but we did I mean didn't we yes yes we did
50:38great I think I'll turn in now don't know where to you
50:46yes nothing to stay up for now
51:01so
51:08so
51:15so
51:22so
51:29so
51:36so
51:43so
51:45so
51:48so
51:50so
51:51so
51:58so
52:03so
52:05so
52:10so
52:22so
52:24so
52:28so
52:42so
52:46so
53:02so
53:08There we are, Ted. There's two more to come from upstairs, and that's the lot.
53:17Can you manage those, Victor?
53:18Yes, thanks.
53:21Oh, God.
53:24We've had some Christmases, but this must rank as the most depressing ever.
53:29Yes. Hasn't been very lucky for you, has it?
53:33But then for others, of course, it's been a different story.
53:36You heard about that woman's husband, the one that works in your local video store?
53:42Oh, yes, yes, that was terrible, compared to a tragedy like that.
53:46No, no, no, no, no, no, no, since then.
53:50Oh, you haven't heard.
53:51Heard what?
53:52Well, he came back the night before last.
53:56What are you talking about?
53:57Well, apparently, when he left the other week, he took an early flight out to Germany or wherever,
54:05parked at the airport, and someone stole his car, went out joyriding in it, and hit a petrol tanker, and the whole lot went up.
54:17Naturally, they thought it was his body.
54:19And, of course, with the phones being down all week, he couldn't phone home or anything, so...
54:26Can you imagine?
54:29After all that poor girl's been through, suddenly just turning up on the doorstep again like that.
54:37Oh, Newbury fruits.
54:39Oh, Newbury.
54:49Have a nice Christmas.
54:51Oh, well, not sorry it's over, I suppose.
54:54How about you?
54:55Quite fun, wasn't it, love?
54:58Quite fun.
54:58On Christmas Day, especially.
55:00Oh, yes, how is your father?
55:02All right.
55:03He's glad to be shot of it all.
55:04A character's like that one.
55:06Oh, he's fine.
55:08Seen worse than that over the years.
55:10Once he'd had his turkey and Christmas pudding, he was fine.
55:13We were fine.
55:14Everything was fine.
55:15Until the moment came for us to present him with his bottle of Chateau Cheveny Merceau.
55:24If you can cast your mind back, Mr. Meldrew, this was the bottle of extremely rare vintage
55:29plonk, which we paid 850 pounds for.
55:33850 smackeroos of hard-earned cash.
55:38Do you remember?
55:39Imagine, then, not a natural surprise when, just as we were delicately sliding the 1924
55:46classic from its box, the cork suddenly took it upon itself to fly, unsolicited, up my
55:53father-in-law's nose when something closely resembling carbonated cat's urine started dribbling
56:01down the sides of the bottle.
56:02You see, actually, what happened, in fact, was...
56:12Still, we can't stand around here chatting all day, can we, Mr. Meldrew?
56:15You'd better wave goodbye to your garden gnomes.
56:18Actually, I think there's still a couple to come from upstairs before we...
56:21No, no, no, I was telling you.
56:22You'd better wave goodbye to your garden gnomes.
56:25Darling?
56:25Darling?
56:25Darling?
56:32Darling?
56:42Right.
56:42I think we can hand it in now.
56:45Happy New Year, Mr. Meldrew.
56:53That was from Great Aunt Joyce.
56:55I told her it had virtually cleared up, but her hearing's not too good.
56:59Has he taken them?
57:00What was all that racket a little while ago?
57:03Um, no, nothing very much.
57:04The, uh, truck backfired a bit, that's all.
57:08Oh, my God, they heard smashing noises.
57:10I thought that tree had finally gone over into Mrs. Aylesbury's.
57:13It was looking very wonky when I went out there.
57:15Do you want a cup of tea?
57:17Uh, well, since we're probably out of strict need, it'll have to be PG tips.
57:21Uh, well, I thought that tree had been so good.
57:21You want a cup of tea?
57:21Uh, well, you know, it'll have to be 50,000 years.
57:21Oh, my God.
57:22Oh, my God.
57:36Um...
57:37Uh...
57:37Oh, my God.
57:39Oh, my God.
57:40Oh, my God.
57:41Oh, my God.
57:43Oh, my God.
57:43Oh, my God.
57:44Oh, my God.
57:45Oh, my God.
57:47Oh, my God.
57:48looks like you've got a tree in the house after all they say I might as well face the truth
58:11but I am just too wrong in the tooth I've started to deteriorate and now I've passed my own sell by date
58:22oh I am no spring chicken it's true I have to pop my teeth into tube and my old knees have started to knock
58:32I've just got too many miles on the clock so I'm a wrinkly crinkly shed in my ways
58:40it's true that my body has seen better days but give me off a chance and I can still misbehave
58:47one foot in the grave
58:50one foot in the grave
58:53one foot in the grave
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