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00:00They Say
00:30Now, you see, if you follow the actual curve of the thigh right the way up to the waist, you can see it's...
00:41Mr Meldrew, you can see that it's actually a virtual right angle. There. You see?
00:48Yes.
00:49Now, look at her thighs and look at your thighs.
00:52What?
00:53Not at the floor, Mr Meldrew, at her thighs.
00:56There aren't any thighs on the floor, are there?
00:59No.
01:01Now, the head.
01:03Look at this. I mean, this looks like the result of some hideous medical experiment.
01:10It's... I mean, what is it, Mr Meldrew?
01:14Certainly isn't any known terrestrial life form.
01:18Is that film The Thing by John Carpenter?
01:21Are a lot of these next to her nose up here?
01:24I'm not quite sure what they are, to be honest.
01:26They look like tusks.
01:28You see, if I'd wanted a pencil sketch of some heraldic beast suffering from various congenital deformities, I would have brought one in.
01:40Do you see what I'm saying?
01:41And got it to pose on the couch.
01:43Yes, I see, yes.
01:44Are you comfy there for a minute, Mrs Leverer?
01:46Fine. Thank you.
01:49Have a lot of go.
01:51Try to think of the proportions a bit more.
01:53What are you using for this, anyway?
01:55Some advanced form of diamond-cutting implement?
01:57To age.
01:59I seem to get around rather well with that last week for the cup and saucer, so I thought...
02:02Yes, but this isn't a cup and saucer, is it, Mr Meldrew?
02:08No, it really isn't.
02:10Use something softer and keep it well sharpened.
02:12Do you have a Stanley knife?
02:14Yes.
02:15Try using it, please.
02:17No, no, you will not.
02:27Leave it in the garage.
02:29There's quite enough death on the road as it is.
02:31I'll get a taxi.
02:36Lost his contact, Lindsay, again.
02:38My father.
02:39Oh, people are such a worry, aren't they?
02:44Where best you live, then?
02:46Perhaps I can give you a lift.
02:48Oh, will you?
02:49Do you know Sutton Crescent at all?
02:51I should think you'll have another phone back as long as you live, will you, Mrs Meldrew?
02:55Oh, please don't.
02:58Go through this performance again.
03:00And we've still got all the bedrooms upstairs to clear out next week.
03:04I'll have little rubber crumbs under my nails forever more.
03:08Oh!
03:09Damn!
03:11That's another splinter.
03:13Look!
03:14Well, let me look.
03:16Oh, dear.
03:18That looks a bit nasty.
03:20Mm-hmm.
03:25What are you doing?
03:26I said I'd do that when I got back.
03:28Yes.
03:28Well, Mr. Wharton has been very nice and been helping me, haven't you, with the scraping?
03:32Yes.
03:34Better be on my way, though, I suppose.
03:36Bye-bye, Mr. Meldrew.
03:37And, uh, see you tomorrow, I hope.
03:41Oh, see you there.
03:42Thanks very much.
03:44Bye-bye, then.
03:45Bye-bye.
03:46Bye-bye.
03:47Bye-bye.
03:51What was this?
03:52Under the gooseberry bush.
03:54Strange, I always thought Weedibig's packets were a result of sexual intercourse.
03:58So how did it go this week?
04:04What did you have to draw tonight?
04:06I suppose I'd be living in a fool's paradise to ask if they'd fixed that phone yet.
04:09But does it still make a noise like a castrated hamster?
04:11I suppose I'd be living in a fool's paradise to ask if they'd be living in a fool's paradise.
04:41And you?
04:43What?
04:43A nude woman?
04:44As far as one could tell, yes.
04:49Why has she got tusks?
04:53That was her first attempt.
04:55Don't look at that.
04:59Oh.
05:00Very nice.
05:02Thank you very much.
05:04I suppose you had to draw her breasts in this much detail, did you?
05:08What?
05:09You had to put breasts on her.
05:11Well, what was I supposed to do?
05:13Ask if she'd mind slipping them off for a few minutes.
05:17Hang them up in the clothes peg next to a handbag.
05:22You might have had the decency to rub them out.
05:24Rub them out?
05:26What's the point of a big nude, then?
05:28You tell me.
05:31No wonder you're late home.
05:33Having to tear yourself away from this orgy of flesh?
05:38That could have nothing to do with it.
05:39It's just that after I gave her a lift home, I got lost in a one-way system.
05:43She gave whom a lift home?
05:45The naked woman?
05:45Well, she...
05:46The naked woman?
05:48She wasn't naked when I gave her a lift.
05:52You've had a naked woman in the car?
05:56Not in the car she wasn't naked.
05:58She didn't sit in the passenger seat.
06:00I strapped her to the roof rack.
06:04Tracted a few stairs at the traffic lights.
06:06I mean, she's not naked all the time.
06:08She does occasionally put on some clothes.
06:10She's naked by profession.
06:12Naked by profession?
06:13What the hell's that supposed to mean?
06:15She's a model.
06:16She happens to be an artist.
06:18She models for some of her friends.
06:19It's all perfectly logical.
06:20Oh, you know all about her now, do you?
06:24Well, yes.
06:26She's offered me a little part-time job.
06:31Oh, yes.
06:33Cleaning around our house once a week.
06:34She's divorced now.
06:35She's got her father staying with her,
06:37who happens to be a bit of a handful.
06:38So, a few extra bob in the pocket, I thought, would be a jolly...
06:42Well, you don't have any objections, surely, to goodness.
06:50Off to the fun fair with Mr. Watt in our way.
06:55So, would you be if you weren't skibbing for Lady Godiva all day?
06:59Excuse me.
06:59I'll get in my straw.
07:00Don't forget to hold his hand in the ghost train.
07:03I'll bring you back a toffee apple.
07:06Fun fairs will all be off to kindergarten next.
07:15That's not bad to know that.
07:17We all want to take up painting.
07:19Very good at the flamingo, especially.
07:24That looks a treat, that.
07:26Yes.
07:27And what about the carpet and the stair landing?
07:29Does that look at...
07:30Flamingo?
07:33I'm not talking about that.
07:34That's a bowl of fruit.
07:35Sorry?
07:37That's a bowl of fruit.
07:39What, in the middle of a flamingo colony?
07:42On top of the television set.
07:45Oh, I see now.
07:47It's a bowl of fruit on top of a television set.
07:50Being eaten by a flamingo.
07:53There aren't any flamingos here.
07:55Where do you get the flamingos from?
07:57That's a still life I did before.
07:59Look, I don't have time to stand arguing with you.
08:01I've got a job to go to myself.
08:03I'm just going to have to leave you to it, I'm afraid.
08:05Right, no sweat there.
08:06I'll be fine.
08:07No problem.
08:10Yes, it's all go carpet then, isn't it?
08:12Oh, you wouldn't chuckle.
08:15No, I wouldn't.
08:30Flamingo?
08:31Mad, completely mad.
08:44Excuse me.
09:06Excuse me.
09:08You don't need to do that.
09:09I'm doing this.
09:10What?
09:10I'm doing this, room.
09:11There's no need for you to do it.
09:13I'm doing this, room.
09:15Excuse me, please.
09:16No, I've been paid to do it.
09:20What's he up to now?
09:25It's off.
09:26Father, Father, it's off.
09:31I'm not entirely helpless.
09:33I'm still capable.
09:35Who is this, anyway?
09:36That's Mr. Meldrew, Father.
09:38I'm paying him to clean up for us.
09:41He can sod off.
09:43You can find the look of him.
09:44Well, he can't help his looks, can he?
09:45No more than you can.
09:48You've never approved of this wig, have you?
09:50Father, it's completely immaterial to me
09:53what bizarre objects you go around balancing on your head all day.
09:57All I ask is that I be allowed to decide how.
10:04Shall we try, dear?
10:07Will you stop being quick?
10:10Switch back on again or it'll get the better of you.
10:14Go on.
10:15That's it.
10:16Oh, my God.
10:17Oh, my God.
10:20Oh, quick.
10:21Look out, darling.
10:21Get that cock web.
10:22Now, look what you've done.
10:28Have you got your contact lenses in today or not?
10:36Do you mind if I make a suggestion?
10:42Take the lenses out, put the saucers in,
10:45then we might get some.
10:47Don't you be so cheeky to me.
10:49I'm not so blind that I can't do simple tasks
10:52about the house.
10:53Oh, really?
10:54I suppose that hedgehog just leapt
10:56into the lawnmower for a haircut last night.
10:59I can see that I am not wanted
11:02in any respect whatsoever in this house.
11:04Oh, do you stop being so truculent?
11:06I'm going out now.
11:08I'm going out of this house.
11:09And I may not bother ever coming back again.
11:13Goodbye, Doreen.
11:14That's the downstairs toilet he's walked into.
11:26He's never got it right yet.
11:36So, I'll give you a ring, shall I?
11:39Some time or other.
11:41Yes.
11:41Yes.
11:42Right.
11:42Thanks.
11:43There we go.
11:45I really enjoyed today.
11:48So did I.
11:49So did I.
11:53All right, Don Harold.
11:56See you soon.
11:57Shall I?
11:59Bye.
12:01Bye.
12:02Bye.
12:02Bye.
12:02There we are then, Victor.
12:22That's lovely.
12:23You've been a great help.
12:24Um, listen, how are you fixed on Friday
12:27to do another little job for me?
12:30Um, Friday?
12:32I'm back.
12:38I don't know if he's finished.
12:40Um, well, no.
12:41Um, he hasn't exactly finished, no.
12:45Why not?
12:46Where is he?
12:48He's upstairs.
12:51He's, um...
12:52Asleep.
12:56Is this some sort of joke?
12:58I didn't like to wake him up.
12:59Oh, well, he might have turned nasty or anything.
13:03I don't want to lie.
13:10I don't want to.
13:27he's gone to bed now
13:38what? he's gone to bed up there
13:41what do you mean he's gone to bed?
13:44what do I mean? I mean he's clear-sooting a rhinoceros
13:47what do you think I mean by the phrase he's gone to bed?
13:50he's gone to bed
13:50he's lying up there in our bed fast asleep
13:54I don't believe you
13:56right, do I lie?
14:17what are we going to do?
14:20get hold of the yellow pages
14:22what am I looking up?
14:33look on to ask for smart lawyers and get me one quick
14:36I'm about to commit first degree murder with a secret royal banana
14:40thank you
14:41thank you
14:42thank you
14:43oh my god
14:46where am I?
14:47you're in your worst bloody nightmare
14:49get out of my bed
14:50oh sorry I must have nodded off
14:52you could never get him to get his shoes off
14:54oh I felt a bit tired
14:56I thought I must have been at home or something
14:58I'm terribly terribly sorry
15:00it's alright
15:00there's nothing to worry about
15:01nothing to worry about?
15:03come back again and we'll read you a bedtime story
15:06get out of my house
15:08no
15:08get out
15:09don't they make these things to stay up anymore
15:16you're in your bed
15:17no
15:18no
15:18no
15:19no
15:19no
15:20no
15:21no
15:21no
15:21no
15:22no
15:52I see Mrs. Althorpe's got a man up her pole this morning.
16:04If they can fix their telephone, why can't they come and fix ours?
16:08Where are they from?
16:09From Mr. Wharton, from his greenhouse, the wrong front doorstep.
16:13What a nice little thought.
16:15Margaret, can't you see what this is all about? What's going on here?
16:18You don't want to be naive all your life.
16:20What?
16:20He just wants to show off, doesn't he?
16:24What a wonderful gardener he is, and I'm not.
16:28Bunches of prized parsnips on the doorstep next to you, see.
16:31Slices of champion tomato posted through the letterbox before you know where you are.
16:39Hello?
16:40Hello?
16:42Hello?
16:43Right.
16:46That's it.
16:47Where are you going?
16:48I'm going down to the firm, trying to get through to someone helpful at British Telecom.
16:52I'm sorry.
16:54I seem to be uttering the demented gibberings of a madman.
16:57I've got a phone anyway.
16:58They say they're going to try and send someone later today.
17:22They think it's a fault between here and the next junction box.
17:26There's only one engineer on today, so God alone knows what time you'll get here.
17:30I'm going out for the day.
17:33What?
17:34Well, you won't be here, will you?
17:36You'll be out again, won't you?
17:38At your girlfriend's.
17:39What?
17:40The one with the naked breasts.
17:41I don't think I've got any naked men to keep me company.
17:48No, fresh out, I'm afraid.
17:51I'm just going to have the day out.
17:53Harold's coming round at 12.
17:56She only wanted someone to pose for her, Margaret.
18:00That's all it is.
18:01Something special she was working on, and she said she desperately needed a man's body.
18:05So independent, that's the real trouble.
18:14You just can't reason with him.
18:16Yes.
18:20Mrs. Melira, I was just...
18:22Er, erm, Doreen.
18:24Doreen, yes, Doreen.
18:26Yes, a thought just occurred to me.
18:27This sketch for your painting of, er...
18:30The crucifixion of St. Peter.
18:32Yes.
18:32I was just wondering, what would happen if I just stand on the floor
18:38and you turn the painting upside down after this?
18:42It doesn't quite work like that, I'm afraid.
18:47The muscle tensions would be entirely different.
18:50Yes, just a thought.
18:55Where are you off to?
18:56Going upstairs to get my gas mask.
18:59What are you for?
19:00Oh, sorry, I forgot.
19:03I thought you were bringing somebody in to exterminate me.
19:06I thought I was nothing but a household pest around here nowadays.
19:12I could have done this, you know.
19:15I could have done this standing on my head.
19:19I am not entirely decrepit.
19:21Yes, well, I don't think we'll risk it with your ventricles, shall we, Father?
19:26I'm going to get my gas mask.
19:32He's getting better.
19:34Oh, I've heard.
19:35Harold, do you think you're ever too old to be unfaithful to someone?
19:53I beg your pardon, Margaret?
19:54I mean, at our age.
19:57Do you?
19:59Oh, dear.
20:00You're putting shit like a jelly.
20:04You've been a great comfort to me lately, Harold.
20:06And I'm very, very grateful.
20:10This is just so...
20:13I shouldn't really bore you with all this, but...
20:16I was getting one of his jackets out this morning to send to the cleaners.
20:22And I found, in his inside pocket, what I can only describe as an empty packet.
20:32Oh, my goodness.
20:34Is that...
20:35Yes.
20:36One of those...
20:37Yes.
20:39Oh, Margaret.
20:43Margaret, I'm going to say something now.
20:46Shall we go inside?
20:48What?
20:49Victor won't be back for another couple of hours yet.
20:50Warm ourselves up.
20:52Shall we?
20:54If you don't mind the bed being a bit of a squeeze and everything.
21:09You're really sure you want to?
21:11You know?
21:13I'm sure I want to you know what?
21:14Oh, good.
21:15So am I, as well.
21:18Well, you just go in, Harold.
21:20I won't be a second.
22:51Oh, God.
22:53Oh, God.
22:54Oh, God.
22:58Oh, God.
23:00Oh, God.
23:03What the hell are you doing?
23:05Oh, God.
23:06Mr. Mildrew.
23:08Oh, God.
23:10What are you doing?
23:11What ever are you doing?
23:13Oh, God.
23:14I don't know what came over me.
23:15I'm sorry.
23:16Oh, God, Margaret.
23:17Please.
23:18Look, I thought...
23:19Oh, dear.
23:20What am I doing now?
23:21What in the name of sanity is going on here just lately?
23:24I mean, isn't anyone else wants to come and sleep in my bed at all?
23:28I mean, it's open house here.
23:29We accept everyone.
23:30All races, colours, creeds.
23:32Everyone wants to keep here eventually.
23:34Carpet layers.
23:35Boris Yeltsin.
23:37Speak, speak.
23:38Victor Mildrew's Public Dust House Limited.
23:41Yes, we're taking Brookings through to the end of April 92.
23:45How many pillars would you be requiring?
23:48I think you'd better go.
23:49I think you and I have better have a little talk sometime.
23:52No, I'm sorry, though.
23:53We do have one last-minute cancellation for this evening.
23:56Mahatma Gandhi's just leaving.
23:58That suits you at all.
24:00I'm sorry, Margaret.
24:01I'm so sorry.
24:03I seem to remember going through a mid-life crisis when I was 30.
24:14That means I must be about to die any second.
24:20You have no idea what that was about, have you?
24:22No conception of any kind.
24:24What?
24:25Mr Orton, why do you suppose he got into that bed just then?
24:28What are you talking about?
24:29Well, he wasn't exhibiting prize parsnips, was he?
24:33Harold and I have been having an affair.
24:36And he never even told me.
24:38Harold Wharton?
24:40You can't be serious.
24:42I wasn't.
24:43He was, evidently.
24:45And you're in no position.
24:47What's the matter with your bath?
24:49I put it out.
24:50Oh, yes.
24:52Hey, Doreens.
24:53I should have known I wasn't up to it.
24:58You should never let him talk me into it.
25:00In that position for two hours.
25:02I'm lucky I can still walk.
25:09You have absolutely no shame, have you?
25:13What?
25:14No shame of any kind.
25:16What are you talking about?
25:18I found it, Victor.
25:20In your pocket.
25:23The empty packet.
25:24Empty packet of what?
25:26Empty packet of nothing.
25:28Because it was empty.
25:29What was it before it was empty?
25:33Something.
25:34You know what was in it.
25:36I don't know.
25:37No.
25:38What is this?
25:39Twenty questions.
25:40Is it animal, vegetable, or mineral?
25:42I mean, would I use this in the garden?
25:43I don't know.
25:44How to ask you?
25:46Just tell me what the hell is...
25:48Contraceptives!
25:49Do I have to spell it out?
25:51Oh, yes!
25:52That was disgusting, wasn't it?
25:53Disgusting!
25:54Do you know where I found it?
25:55Underneath the rhubarb!
25:56Well, you don't mind how it gets there sometimes, doesn't it?
25:57Oh...
25:58Really?
25:59That's where it came from, is it?
26:00Well, why else do you think it was my...
26:01Oh, look.
26:02I've got to go upstairs and lie in some floorboards, Margaret.
26:03I've been posing like a simpleton for some stupid picture for two and a half hours in extreme
26:20agony, and if I don't lie down, my spine is going to wither and droop like that rubber
26:25with a banana.
26:26So, can we talk in the morning, please?
26:50Take your dressing gown off.
26:56Have I got worse, Margaret?
26:58What?
26:59As I've got older, I suppose it must have done.
27:0335 years, something must have snapped along the line.
27:06Oh!
27:07I mean, surely I wasn't like this when we got married.
27:09Hold still, or I can't squirt it.
27:12Oh!
27:15I'm not going to stick with that job, I know that now.
27:17Going out there looking at her old man is too much like looking in a mirror.
27:21You know how she stands it.
27:22Going through that every week.
27:23Goblin vacuum cleanerers at 20 paces.
27:24What are you on about?
27:25What?
27:26Let me just do the bottom bit.
27:27Oh!
27:28I suppose this is what it's all about, really.
27:29Isn't it?
27:30When it comes to it, marriage, reaching 60 and spraying each other with ralgex.
27:31Oh, yeah, you silly old fool.
27:32What are you on about?
27:33What are you on about?
27:34What?
27:35What are you on about?
27:36Let me just do the bottom bit.
27:37Oh!
27:38I suppose this is what it's all about, really.
27:39Isn't it?
27:40When it comes to it, marriage, reaching 60 and spraying each other with ralgex.
27:44Oh, yeah, you silly old fool.
27:45What the bloody hell do you think you're looking at?
27:46What do you think this is?
27:47An aquarium?
27:48What sort of time do you call this anyway?
27:4910 bloody days you were supposed to come and do this.
27:5010 bloody days ago you were supposed to fix this bun?
27:5110 bloody days ago you were supposed to fix this bun?
27:55What the bloody hell do you think you're looking at?
28:09What do you think this is, an aquarium?
28:12What sort of time do you call this anyway?
28:14Ten bloody days you were supposed to come and do this.
28:16Ten bloody days ago you were supposed to fix this thing.
28:18It's like a constipated gerbil.
28:21Every time you pick it up, you can't hear a bloody thing.
28:24Just to give a pollute this afternoon, mate.
28:26They say I might as well face the truth.
28:30But I am just too wrong in the tooth.
28:33I started to deteriorate.
28:37And now I've passed my own sell-by date.
28:40Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true.
28:44I have to pop my teeth into tube.
28:47And my old knees have started to knock.
28:51I've just got too many miles on the clock.
28:54So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways.
28:58It's true that my body has seen better days.
29:02But give me off a chance and I can still misbehave.
29:06One foot in the grave.
29:09One foot in the grave.
29:11I'm one foot in the grave.
29:19I'm one foot in the grave.
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