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Unpacking the difference between the Helper Trope and People-Pleaser Trope on screen, people who are forced to be helpers, the *negative* side effects that can come from being a people-pleaser,...
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00:00Most all of us like to be nice, but some people just feel like they were born to help others.
00:05Sometimes I think I was bred in a lab to help people.
00:08They'll take any chance to provide assistance, big or small, unasked for, and often unthanked.
00:14While being helpful is a good thing, it can also evolve into a people-pleasing attitude
00:19that can have surprisingly negative effects on the helper themselves, and sometimes even the
00:24people being helped. So let's take a closer look at what's really going on with helpers and
00:29people-pleasers, what makes them different, the problems they can encounter, and what we can
00:35really learn from these tropes. While some people are always first and foremost looking out for number
00:40one, others can't help but want to try to provide a helping hand to pretty much everyone they come
00:46across. While this drive can be born out of a need to be liked, which we'll unpack in a moment,
00:51I should have said something, but I'm such a people-pleaser, which I know comes from my
00:55father's inability to validate me. It's usually based in their inherently kind natures. On screen,
01:01we often see it split down two branching paths. The first are the genuine helpers, the people who
01:06are always on the lookout for ways to improve the lives of everyone around them and the world at
01:10large. While they certainly like to be liked, who doesn't? That isn't the main driving force behind
01:16their good deeds. They're quite perceptive, which allows them to see the problems around them clearly,
01:21and their solution-focused natures lead them to act on their impulse towards improvement.
01:26All we can do is get there as fast as we can.
01:28And because these helpers aren't just operating out of a desire to be liked,
01:33they're also not pushovers. In fact, they often fall into the other end of the spectrum,
01:37where they have zero problems standing up for what they believe is right,
01:41even when it's tough. Take Parks and Recreation's Leslie, for example. She's focused her entire life
01:46around helping as many people as possible. She's wanted to work in government,
01:50making the world a better place for her neighbors and constituents since she was a little kid.
01:54If I seem too passionate, it's because I care. If I come on strong, it's because I feel strongly.
02:02As an adult, she's gone after this goal full steam ahead, though is often dismayed to find out how
02:07many roadblocks can pop up, even when you're trying to make things better. But she never lets this stop
02:13her. And in fact, being told no when she knows something is right just makes her go after it twice as hard.
02:19Her strong, unapologetic personality makes it possible for her to make big changes,
02:23even when it's an uphill battle. And her drive to make the world a better place at all costs
02:28helps some of the less stellar parts of her job roll off her back.
02:32These people are members of a community that care about where they live.
02:36So what I hear when I'm being yelled at is people caring loudly at me.
02:41Similarly, New Girl's Jess is an empathetic, caring person who helps out so many people in her life,
02:46from her students to her friends. Sometimes she can focus on others a little too much.
02:51Do you just walk around all day thinking about other people's feelings?
02:54Yeah, don't you?
02:55No. How do you get anything done?
02:57It's hard.
02:58But at the end of the day, she's actually quite good at balancing assisting others
03:02and helping herself. Her nice helper personality might cause some to assume she's a pushover,
03:08but that isn't the case. In the same way she's willing to stand up for others,
03:11she's also able to stand up for herself.
03:14Suck it, Mr. Kraft.
03:16This kind of positive focus on helping, combined with a strong sense of self,
03:20often leads to more equal relationships. The helper might have to wake people up a little bit
03:25to get the ball rolling on reciprocity, but because they've worked on building strong,
03:29genuine relationships with the people around them, those people are then happy to help out in return.
03:35For the last six months, my friends have worked so hard.
03:37Every five-minute coffee break at work, every night, every weekend,
03:41every spare moment of their lives, they gave to me.
03:44On the other end of the helper spectrum are the people-pleasers,
03:48the people whose desire to help springs from less positive impulses.
03:52Often this is due to a fear of rejection.
03:55They can't cope with anyone being mad at them or not liking them,
03:58and so will do anything in an effort to avoid that fate,
04:01even when it causes them problems, which it often does.
04:04Oh, Penny, what did they do to your car?
04:08Could I get too bad?
04:09In my defense, I do tend to shy away from confrontation.
04:14Oh.
04:14Psychologist Linda Tillman explained to Psychology Today,
04:17the typical people-pleaser is someone who lacks an internal compass to gauge the value of their own
04:22actions. As a result, they spend their lives looking for validation from others.
04:27People-pleasing tendencies often start early in life.
04:30Children are often shown by the world around them that the way to be rewarded and validated is to be
04:35good. That is, be quiet and do whatever the parent says. They're made to believe that their only value
04:41in the world is how useful they are to the people around them, how willing they are to put everyone
04:46else's needs above their own no matter what. This then extends out to relatives and teachers,
04:51and then can continue to follow them into the workplace, friendships, and relationships in adulthood.
04:56This can play out in across-the-board people-pleasing tendencies, where they become essentially
05:01subservient to everyone in their life, or it can just continue to focus on one person from who they
05:06seek validation most. We can see this in the Roy children from Succession, whose entire lives are
05:11essentially focused around pleasing one person, their father. He played mind games with them and pitted
05:17them against each other for what little affection he was willing to dole out, and usually only as a ploy to
05:22get them to do what he wanted. As a result, in adulthood, they're willing to give up anything
05:36or hurt anyone, including themselves, if they think it will please Logan.
05:41We were just talking to him, the enemy dude. Hey Rome, the adults are talking, how about you go play in the other room?
05:47Many people-pleasers, however, attempt to please everyone in their life. Rainbow on Blackish, for example,
05:53has so much going on for herself. She's nice, intelligent, has an important job, is beautiful.
05:59But even as a strong, capable adult, her people-pleasing nature at times leads her to misery.
06:05She felt like she didn't receive enough attention from her father as a child, and so seeks out praise
06:09as an adult, often through attempting to be as nice and helpful as possible to those she aims to please,
06:14even when it's to her detriment. But I'm a people-pleaser! Why do I always have to please people?
06:23She's also, of course, had to deal with the expectations placed upon Black women in particular,
06:28to be even nicer and to put everyone above themselves even more. It takes her going to
06:32therapy to really begin to understand how this outlook on life has followed her from childhood,
06:37how it's negatively affected her, and how she can begin working to change things for the better for herself.
06:44My inability to accept that my father doesn't see my need for validation.
06:49Good.
06:50Right?
06:52That was really good.
06:53And for some characters, like Friends Monica, for example, the drive to people-please can actually
06:58come from a desire for control. They constantly fear that they aren't enough, and so hope that if
07:04they can make others dependent on their help, they'll always be needed. People-pleasing attitudes can
07:10also have more nefarious underpinnings. On Succession, Tom turned his mid-west nice personality up to 11
07:17in an attempt to sneak his way further and further up the ladder. He's always willing to help, no matter
07:23how much it might pain him. To the point that everyone else makes fun of him for it.
07:27Tip-toe, Tommy.
07:28I'm here to serve. I'm here to serve.
07:31Lip balm tom-wom. Lubing up his lips to kiss my butt.
07:35But no matter how much he's mocked and belittled, he's always able to stick around because everyone
07:41feels like they'll be able to use him. In looking down on him, however, they miss how clever he really
07:47is. He may seem aloof, but he actually has a very clear vision of what's going on and what it takes to
07:54survive. Barry grapples with the idea of helping in service of the narrative that you want to create
08:08about yourself, attempting to create an idealized version of you that is separate from the reality
08:13of you, out of a genuine desire to rewrite your sins. However misplaced this idea may be, Barry feels
08:20like if he can help someone, he might be able to cancel out the hurt he's brought into the world.
08:25And for his son, he hopes that he can create a version of himself that will lead his son down
08:30a better path. No spoilers here, but if you want a breakdown of Barry's ending, check out our video
08:34on that. Of course, being a helper can be driven by a lot of internal characteristics, but it's also
08:40often something that is foisted upon certain people.
08:43Welcome to the No Options Club. It's a cool club.
08:48Yeah? Actually, I'm in it. Oh.
08:50Uh, most of America's in it.
08:52Whether it's Buffy Summers having the safety of the entire world placed on her teenage shoulders,
08:56or much more everyday issues that we all run into, service workers across industries often
09:02have to deal with people assuming that, because they're employed in a helping role, their entire
09:08life should be focused around helping them with whatever they want, whenever they want.
09:12These entitled attitudes stem from multiple different issues, from class strata and the
09:16assumption that some people are meant to serve, to the customer's always right problem.
09:21Women and people of color, regardless of their role, are often placed into the helper category
09:26whether they like it or not, and often feel like they must go along with it to avoid being seen as
09:31difficult or rude. Women also often get stuck with the helping role at home too, from an early age,
09:37as we discussed in depth in our video on the eldest daughter syndrome.
09:40On Superstore, we meet Amy working a dead-end job trying to make ends meet and
09:45feeling like she can barely keep up. No matter how she really feels on any given day,
09:49she has to put on a happy, helpful face for customers to avoid getting yelled at or even
09:54losing her employment. She's a kind and caring person, but her placement into the people-pleasing
09:59role isn't out of her own design, consciously or subconsciously, but instead as a direct result of
10:05societal factors that she has no personal control over.
10:08Everything okay?
10:10Rough day.
10:11Yeah, I heard.
10:12I can't wait for this day to be over. I need a drink.
10:15Jogun's Mariko also had to hone a people-pleaser persona to get by.
10:20After her traumatic childhood, she forged her helpful nature not only out of loyalty,
10:25but also as a way to keep herself safe. She has many skills that come in handy,
10:29but her interpersonal skills are especially important. It's thanks to her intelligence and empathy
10:34that she's able to truly understand the heart of what people are trying to communicate,
10:38and uses her people-pleasing skills to soften those communications so that things don't escalate.
10:52There's also the extreme version of this, with artificial intelligences brought to life
10:57solely to be helpful to others. Sometimes they're allowed to have their own personalities and pizazz,
11:02like The Good Place's Janet, but more often they're programmed to be people-pleasers in the
11:07most rudimentary of ways, and are almost always women created to help men.
11:13Most of us realize that being helpful and kind is important and a major part of society being able
11:18to function, but for some people the compulsion to help can become a problem in a big way.
11:24Not feeling helpful can fill them with dread and anxiety because they feel like that kind of
11:29approval is the only way they can know they're useful, or deserve to be around.
11:34Because of this, no matter how stressful or painful it may be,
11:38they can't seem to stop doing whatever they can to please everyone else.
11:42Self-proclaimed people-pleaser Brooke told Psychology Today,
11:45People ask me to do things like serve on committees, and I'll accept without evaluating whether
11:50I'm really passionate about it. Because I say yes a lot, I'm too busy. I'm too stressed,
11:55and my attention is divided. I'm a grinder. I grind because I worry. And I have a very,
12:01very high tolerance for pain and physical discomfort.
12:05Even for the characters who very much aren't doormats, their nature can still lead to them
12:09getting walked over sometimes, or harming themselves in service of their bigger goals to help more.
12:15According to clinical psychologist Debbie Sorensen,
12:17People-pleasers are especially prone to burnout at work. They tend to be very kind,
12:22thoughtful people, which makes it that much harder for them to set boundaries,
12:25not take on too much work, or get emotionally invested in their jobs.
12:29I'm gonna work until I'm 100, and then cut back to four days a week.
12:33Oh god, I'm already so bored thinking about that one day off.
12:35The drive to constantly find a way to help can also even cause problems for the people being help,
12:41particularly when they didn't ask for or don't want that help.
12:45We have to go back, Kate. We have to go back!
12:49People-pleasers who are driven by their compulsion to be liked and prove that they're useful,
12:54can sometimes find that they're having the opposite effect,
12:57upsetting people and pushing them away by being overbearing or presumptive.
13:01While people-pleasing can certainly lead to a lot of problems,
13:05being a genuine helper can be great for you and everyone lucky enough to be in your orbit.
13:10As long as we're living and breathing, there's more we can do.
13:14We just have to be strong enough.
13:15And there are many different levels on the helper spectrum.
13:18Not everyone wants to be, or even can be, on and ready to help all the time.
13:23But the people who show up when it really counts are just as important to the fabric of our lives.
13:28I owe this victory, all of it, to my friends and my supporters.
13:33No one achieves anything alone.
13:35And sometimes the people who don't have any interest in helping anyone else
13:38can even find a spark that leads them to do so and make a big change.
13:43A sewing machine?
13:44Yeah, he loved it.
13:46Even if people-pleasing tendencies have led to stress and even misery,
13:50that doesn't mean that one is trapped in that cycle forever.
13:53Girl Shoshana began the show as a sweet, if naive girl who just wanted everyone to like her.
13:57But over the seasons, she learned to stand up for herself and what she wanted more and more.
14:03She also eventually came to realize that she was much happier without the people who put
14:07her down for being earnest or wanting to help out.
14:09People who naturally want to help are a very important part of society,
14:13and help us all keep going.
14:16But it's important that they don't forget to think about themselves, too.
14:20It's important for helpers, and especially people-pleasers,
14:23to create boundaries for themselves and others,
14:25and to realize that it's okay to say no to things.
14:28And if anyone does get mad at you for it,
14:30they probably aren't people who are adding positively to your life anyway.
14:34Taking time to focus on yourself and to set healthy boundaries isn't selfish.
14:39It's necessary to avoid burnout.
14:41Helpers make the world go round.
14:43And it's time they got the respect they deserve.
14:46Always look for the helpers.
14:48There will always be helpers.
14:51Because if you look for the helpers, you'll know that there's hope.
14:55That's the take!
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