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From Bridgerton's Eldest Daughter Kate to Modern Family's Middle Child Alex to Friends' Youngest Child Monica to New Girls' Only Child Schmidt and beyond, on screen we see so many stories showcasin...
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00:00When things go off without a hitch, in life and on screen, we often have the eldest daughter to thank.
00:05She's the backbone of the family, the third parent to her siblings, a matriarch in training.
00:10The person who organizes gifts and meetups, who smooths out issues,
00:14and who sets a stellar example for the rest of the kids, even when they're long grown up.
00:18As one ex-user put it in a now viral post,
00:21being an eldest daughter is like an unpaid internship for the rest of your life.
00:25Eldest daughter syndrome is now so prevalent that therapists claim they can spot firstborn girls as soon as they sit on the couch.
00:32How do you spot an oldest daughter?
00:34She's the one in charge when nobody else is in charge.
00:37So what exactly are the telltale signs,
00:39and how does the intense responsibility of the big sister role impact the woman underneath it?
00:45Eldest daughters often get put under a lot of pressure to set a good example for their siblings,
00:50and to take responsibility for them to an extent.
00:52This is a historic pattern, which we see in stories from authors like Jane Austen.
00:57The eldest daughters are expected to marry well and contain their emotions carefully.
01:02Always resignation and acceptance.
01:04Always prudence and honor and duty.
01:08Eleanor, where is your heart?
01:10What do you know of my heart?
01:11What do you know of anything but your own suffering?
01:13Sense and Sensibility's Eleanor Dashwood, for example,
01:16is so conditioned to not show her emotions that when she suffers an extreme blow in her private life,
01:21the man she's in love with being secretly engaged to someone else,
01:25she won't even tell her sister and closest friend, Marianne.
01:28For weeks, Marianne, I've had this pressing on me,
01:30without being at liberty to speak of it, to a single creature.
01:33In many of Austen's books, younger daughters can get away with following their hearts.
01:37Marianne is a great example, as is Lydia Bennett from Pride and Prejudice.
01:41Elizabeth Bennett illuminates one key aspect of the elder sister's character
01:45in her response to Lydia's flirtatious behavior with the regiment stationed in their hometown.
01:50If you do not take the trouble to check her, she will soon be beyond the reach of amendment.
01:55Her character will be fixed as the most determined flirt that ever made herself and her family ridiculous.
02:00Because Lizzie is a sibling and not a parent,
02:03she actually has a fuller picture of her sisters' indiscretions.
02:06They're less likely to check themselves around their sisters than they are around their parents.
02:10This leads Lizzie to offer a stark warning to her father to rein in Lydia's behavior,
02:15which he doesn't take seriously,
02:17and she ends up eloping with the shady Wickham at the age of 16.
02:21On Bridgerton, Kate Sharma is in her late 20s,
02:24so given the era it's set in, she's long given up on the idea of finding a husband.
02:29So she plows all of her energy and the family's finances
02:32into her little sister Edwina finding one instead.
02:36After my father died,
02:37Mama and I did the best we could to raise Edwina,
02:40all so she would never know of our struggles.
02:43I've spent the last eight years raising my sister to walk in the right way,
02:48to talk in the right way,
02:49to play the pianoforte just so.
02:51She's a prime example of the eldest daughter's head-over-heart mentality,
02:55and it results in a catastrophic fallout in her relationship with her sister,
02:59when she ultimately falls in love with Anthony Bridgerton,
03:02the man that Edwina is engaged to.
03:04But these problems aren't just things of the past.
03:06Stories set in the present and the future feature eldest daughters in similar roles.
03:11Often the eldest daughter ends up raising her siblings.
03:14This can be when the parents pass away,
03:16like Nani from Lilo and Stitch, who's left to bring up Lilo,
03:19or Jane from 27 Dresses,
03:21whose father became distant when her mom died,
03:23leaving her to raise her little sister.
03:25Jane is a classic eldest daughter,
03:27generous with her time,
03:29extremely organized,
03:30and able to hold her temper in even the most uncomfortable scenarios,
03:34which is perhaps what makes her such a good candidate for bridesmaid, too.
03:37You tell him the truth, or I will.
03:40No, you won't.
03:41You wouldn't hurt a fly,
03:42and you definitely wouldn't hurt me.
03:43I'm your sister.
03:45Another situation where eldest daughters end up as stand-in parents
03:48can be when the parents are present, but incompetent,
03:51like Shameless' Fiona,
03:53whose father is an alcoholic
03:54and incapable of parenting his six kids.
03:57So she takes the role of the head of the house instead.
04:00I must get sick of having to think for everybody.
04:03At least I can.
04:06Perhaps I'm wanted.
04:07Despite how miserable it makes her,
04:09and how it feels like a trap,
04:11as her brother tells her,
04:12If all you want is to be needed, then congratulations.
04:16You taught yourself a job for life with this, Joker.
04:19Which neatly explains the sad existence of many eldest daughters,
04:23who feel they have to perform as a mother figure
04:26when their parents fail to show up for them,
04:28and the other kids,
04:29because they worry about who else will fill the role
04:31if they leave to pursue their own dreams.
04:34In Winter's Bone,
04:35Rhi's rural Ozark existence is so bleak
04:38that all she dreams of is survival,
04:40for herself and her two younger siblings.
04:42After their father disappears,
04:44they risk losing their home,
04:46so Rhi debates, among other things,
04:48joining the army to try and raise the money to keep the house.
04:51Her little brother and sister are scared
04:52this means she wants to leave them,
04:54but she tells them,
04:56I'd be lost without the weighty you two on my back.
05:01I ain't going anywhere.
05:02In the dystopian future of The Hunger Games,
05:05Katniss Everdeen's younger sister, Prim,
05:07is chosen to take part in the movie's twisted fight to the death,
05:10but Katniss intervenes and volunteers herself.
05:13At this stage, she's risking certain death,
05:15but cannot let her little sister die instead.
05:18I volunteer as tribute.
05:20I need to get out of here.
05:21You need to get out of here.
05:22No.
05:22Go find mom.
05:23No.
05:23The great weight of being an eldest daughter always feels heavy,
05:26but it can even result in life and death decisions
05:28if it means protecting the younger siblings.
05:31Of course, being the firstborn daughter
05:33doesn't always mean being the eldest child.
05:36Psychologists believe that what contributes
05:38to eldest daughter syndrome
05:39is the gendered distribution of labor
05:41that parents begin when their children are very young.
05:45And this means that if the oldest child is a boy,
05:47he's unlikely to experience some of the intense pressures
05:50that his sister does.
05:51Take, for example,
05:52Ross and Monica Geller from Friends.
05:55Ross is the perfect eldest boy,
05:57while Monica has spent her entire life
05:59trying to get her parents to notice her,
06:01which has led to unhealthy levels of perfectionism.
06:04You don't have to be the best at everything.
06:06Oh my god, you don't know me at all!
06:09Sugar from the Bear isn't the eldest child either,
06:11but as the only girl to a neglectful mother,
06:14she's taken up the mantle of caregiver for her family.
06:17According to marriage and family therapist Arisha Smolarski,
06:20emotional neglect as a child can lead
06:22to taking on this caregiving role in adulthood,
06:25and Sugar is a prime example.
06:27She ends up using the nurturing and organizational skills
06:30she's learned along the way
06:31to make a success of her younger brother's business.
06:33In the case of Succession's Shiv Roy,
06:36who is the youngest child,
06:38but only girl in the family,
06:40writer Claire Cohen says that she was so busy
06:42trying to become her father,
06:44she didn't realize her only option
06:46was to become her mother instead,
06:48which, to put it bluntly,
06:49is often the gendered path
06:51that on-screen eldest daughters are destined to tread.
06:54They are mini-mothers bound by their biology
06:56to a certain type of role,
06:58even if in cases like Shiv's,
07:00they appear to have the desire
07:01and brutal nature for something else.
07:04I was the only one who mattered.
07:05Yeah, only because you're the girl.
07:06Girls count double now.
07:07Didn't you know?
07:08Oh, yeah.
07:08No, I know.
07:09I f***ing know.
07:10It's only your teats that give you any value.
07:12Sometimes the eldest daughter pushes back
07:14against the role she's forced into,
07:16or can't meet the demands of it,
07:18and becomes the rebel of the family.
07:20Hayley Dunphy from Modern Family
07:21has much more in common with wild younger sisters,
07:25like Pride and Prejudice's Lydia Bennett.
07:27To my brilliant daughter.
07:29So not you.
07:30But her younger sister Alex has no desire
07:33to take on the role of family backbone either.
07:35Perhaps this is because the gender divide
07:37isn't as obvious in their family,
07:39so there's no clear mini-mother path
07:41for the girls to take,
07:42as their dad Phil takes on a lot of the emotional work
07:45of raising a family,
07:46and their mom Claire provides more organizational support.
07:50This is a more wholesome interpretation
07:51of eldest daughters refusing the role
07:54than, for example, Euphoria's Cassie.
07:56When comparing Hayley and Cassie
07:58and their rejection of the eldest daughter role,
08:01their very different families provide some explanation.
08:04The way that each member of the Dunphy family
08:06is valued for his or her abilities and personality
08:08is very different to how Cassie is treated as special
08:12because of her looks and figure.
08:13She's unable to take on a caregiver role
08:16for her younger sister,
08:17because the abuse and rejection she's experienced
08:19has made her extremely needy
08:21when it comes to attention and love,
08:23and so she's always willing to put other people
08:25in her life, like Sister Lexi,
08:27below the men in her life.
08:29So instead of being the stereotypical older sister
08:32who invisibly supports and bolsters her younger sibling,
08:36Cassie instead works to outshine Lexi,
08:38and in a moment of high stress,
08:40even publicly puts Lexi down.
08:42I'm the one who takes risks.
08:45I'm the one who falls in love.
08:47I'm the one who gets hurt, not you, Lexi!
08:51It's actually only child Maddie
08:53who ends up kind of taking on the older sister role
08:56when she temporarily moves in with the Howard family.
08:59She helps build up Lexi's confidence
09:00and pushes her to go after what she wants.
09:03The way we're brought up can shape us
09:04for the rest of our lives,
09:06unless we make a conscious decision
09:08to unpack how it's affected us
09:10and work to move away from it,
09:11which experts tend to agree is the best course of action
09:14for those suffering from eldest daughter syndrome.
09:16One perfect on-screen example of a character
09:18making this shift away from their predestined role
09:21is in Encanto,
09:23where we meet two older sisters
09:24in main character Mirabelle's immediate family.
09:27Louisa is technically the middle sister,
09:29but in the song Surface Pressure,
09:31she describes how much pressure is put on her
09:33as the strong sister.
09:35While the actual eldest daughter in the movie,
09:37Isabella, feels a different type of pressure,
09:39to be perfect and marry the right man.
09:41I've been stuck being perfect my whole entire life.
09:46Their younger sister Mirabelle encourages both of them
09:49to step outside of their allocated roles,
09:51allowing Louisa to accept help
09:53and Isabella to have fun
09:55and let go of her perfectionist tendencies
09:57so that they can all find true happiness.
10:00In other narratives,
10:01the eldest daughter may not give up
10:02all the skills she learned
10:04from being pigeonholed as her family's on-call caregiver,
10:07but she can decide to sever ties
10:09with the toxic members of her family
10:11who forced her to learn them.
10:13We got to get all the dinners in before the baby, so...
10:16Who's baby?
10:18Oh, you and Madeline.
10:20I thought she...
10:21Some of the skills learned while in the eldest daughter box
10:24can be useful,
10:25like leadership and caring for others,
10:27but being trapped in that box forever
10:30can be detrimental to their ability
10:31to become their own person.
10:33As eldest daughters progress into adulthood
10:35and begin to step out of the roles they had as children,
10:38they have a choice
10:38to reject the confines of their upbringing
10:41and stop answering to the pressures put upon them
10:44by birth order and gender.
10:45It doesn't mean that they'll no longer love
10:47and care for their family,
10:49just that they'll also get to spend some time
10:51finally loving themselves.
10:53With siblings,
10:54there's usually the responsible older child
10:57that gets away with everything younger child,
10:59and then there's the middle child.
11:01Born too late to be the firstborn
11:03and too early to be the baby of the family,
11:06middle children often get stuck in a kind of limbo,
11:09loved, but forgotten or ignored,
11:12no matter how much they might try
11:14to make themselves an equal part of the family.
11:16Nihau, daddy.
11:18That means hello in Chinese.
11:20I studied so much,
11:21even though I wasn't allowed to go with y'all.
11:22Being the middle child can lead to one
11:24becoming a bit of a black sheep,
11:26their outcast nature at home
11:27bleeding out into the rest of their life.
11:29Many middle children on screen
11:31are actually the geniuses of their families,
11:34a surprisingly pervasive sub-trope.
11:36I wish you was never even born!
11:38They were trying to make one with a brain!
11:40And even given all of their struggles in childhood,
11:43middle children can actually have a good shot
11:45at ending up the most well-adjusted adults
11:47out of their siblings.
11:49It's time to give middle children
11:50their moment in the spotlight.
11:52So let's unpack this trope.
11:54Stereotypes associated with birth order
11:56have long existed,
11:57and psychotherapist Alfred Alder
11:59developed his own theory
12:00around the specifics of how
12:01when you're born into your family
12:03can affect you as you grow and develop.
12:05It's different with me.
12:06I'm a star.
12:08Blah-dee-dah!
12:09What is happening?
12:10It means that Marsha's getting to be
12:12a pain in the neck!
12:13Oh.
12:14Blah-dee-dah!
12:15The older children are often seen as,
12:17or forced to be,
12:18the responsible ones.
12:19And as we analyzed in our video
12:21on the eldest daughter,
12:22she's usually made into
12:23essentially another parent.
12:25The oldest child also gets a,
12:26however brief,
12:27moment of living as an only child
12:29before the others show up,
12:31and so can form a special connection
12:32with their parents
12:33in a way that the others
12:34aren't able to in the same way.
12:36The younger siblings enjoy
12:38all of the perks of being
12:39the babies of the family.
12:41Their parents have usually become
12:42more relaxed as they've had more kids,
12:44so less pressure is put on the youngest
12:46to be perfect and responsible.
12:48And because they're the babies,
12:50they're often able to weasel their way
12:51out of responsibilities or consequences
12:53because, in their parents' eyes,
12:55they can't do wrong.
12:56And often,
12:57the parents feel that
12:58one of the older children
12:59is actually at fault
13:00for not looking after them.
13:02The youngest children also get
13:03to have a certain level of comfort
13:05that arises from knowing
13:06that there's always someone
13:07looking out for them,
13:08be it a parent or sibling.
13:10You are not leaving this table
13:11until you tell your sister
13:13that you love her!
13:14Middle children, on the other hand,
13:15get stuck in, well, the middle.
13:17They don't have the power
13:18or responsibility
13:19of the oldest sibling,
13:20but they also don't have
13:21the freedom of the younger sibling.
13:23There's nothing like two days
13:24at the hospital
13:25to make you appreciate your own home.
13:27Give me that!
13:27Oh my god!
13:29I'm the one who figured out
13:29they were wrong, remember?
13:31Well, if you're such a genius,
13:32why didn't you figure it out sooner?
13:34Nothing like ten seconds at home
13:35to make you appreciate the hospital.
13:37While the older sibling
13:38might get attention
13:39for either their responsible nature
13:40or being the first in the family
13:42to do something
13:43or even for acting out
13:45in the face of everything
13:45put on their shoulders,
13:47and the younger sibling
13:48can get attention
13:49for just about anything,
13:50the middle child
13:51often feels lost in the shuffle.
13:54She's like a self-cleaning oven.
13:55This, unsurprisingly,
13:56can often lead to life
13:58feeling like a competition
13:59between the siblings,
14:00where they have to battle it out
14:01on the daily
14:02for love and resources.
14:04I like watching Jesse
14:05get in trouble.
14:06It makes my bird twitch.
14:08Ew, Judy!
14:09Get out of here!
14:10Who the hell is a bird?
14:11And this is, of course,
14:12a particularly hard uphill battle
14:14for the middle child,
14:15as they already feel
14:16like they're starting
14:17from the bottom.
14:17It can also become a problem
14:19when the other children
14:20are keenly aware
14:21of their own position
14:22and advantages,
14:23and use that
14:24to get the better
14:24of the middle child.
14:26Why is it so hard
14:26to get you Russo's
14:27to do something nice
14:28for each other?
14:29Because when you're
14:29doing something nice
14:30for someone,
14:31your guard is down,
14:32and that's when another Russo
14:33will come right behind you
14:34and trip you.
14:35Given all of this,
14:36it's not surprising
14:37that middle children
14:38don't always have
14:39the best time as kids.
14:41You want to know
14:41what the best thing
14:42about childhood is?
14:43At some point,
14:44it stops.
14:45Feeling forgotten about
14:46or overlooked can lead
14:47to the middle child
14:48going to extremes
14:49in an attempt
14:50to get attention
14:51from their family.
14:52This could be in the form
14:53of acting out
14:53or closing themselves off.
14:55Though often on screen,
14:57it comes out in the form
14:57of a snarky wit
14:58that they use to throw jabs
15:00at everyone else
15:01in the family.
15:02If they can't get attention,
15:03they can at least
15:04make themselves laugh,
15:05and maybe knock another sibling
15:06down a few pegs
15:07in the process.
15:07It's not easy being
15:08the smart ones
15:09in this family.
15:10Don't compare us!
15:12Your last English paper
15:13came back with a Garfield
15:14sticker on it
15:15that said way to go!
15:16And this is a key position
15:18of the middle child.
15:19Because they exist
15:20in that neutral,
15:21often ignored middle ground,
15:23they're able to observe
15:24the rest of their family
15:25from a bit of a remove,
15:27allowing them to see
15:28and better understand
15:29everyone else's
15:30inner workings
15:30and flaws.
15:32Who do you think
15:32you're talking to?
15:34Mama,
15:34I know you.
15:36I know you to be
15:37a nasty,
15:38jealous,
15:39scheming child.
15:40Feeling left out
15:41or like no one else
15:42notices your true potential
15:44can be heartbreaking
15:45as a child
15:45and lead one
15:46to becoming rather jaded.
15:48We often see
15:49middle children on screen
15:50going down some
15:51very dark paths
15:52in attempts to feel
15:53like they're in control
15:54of something,
15:55like they have power
15:56in some part
15:57of their lives.
15:58From Edmund
15:59momentarily going
16:00to the dark side
16:01to Game of Thrones
16:02Stannis Baratheon
16:03making so many
16:05terrible choices.
16:06The choice is no choice
16:07at all.
16:08He must fulfill
16:10his destiny
16:11and become
16:13who he is meant to be.
16:15Even if they're not
16:16pulled into the
16:17total darkness,
16:18the middle child
16:19can often still feel
16:20like they're under
16:21immense pressure
16:22to do something
16:23to claim their own
16:24space in the family.
16:25Because no one else
16:25is usually paying
16:26too much mind
16:27to what's happening
16:27to the middle child,
16:29they're often left
16:29to their own devices
16:30to decide what to do
16:31with their life
16:32and how to make an impact.
16:34This can lead to them
16:34just giving up
16:35and going with the flow,
16:37but most often,
16:38especially on screen,
16:39this leads to them
16:40becoming intense
16:41overachievers
16:42as a way to stand
16:43apart from their siblings.
16:45Luke has a giant
16:45project due tomorrow
16:46for school
16:47that he hasn't even started
16:47and Hailey just informed me
16:49she needs 40 cupcakes
16:50for her school fundraiser.
16:51I'd like to point out
16:52I completed all my
16:53assignments on my own
16:55and on time.
16:56Not now, Alex.
16:57Being the overlooked
16:58genius of the family
16:59is a major subtrope
17:00of the middle child
17:01we see on screen.
17:03Sometimes the families
17:04do appreciate
17:04an attempt to foster
17:05the middle child's smarts,
17:07like with Laura
17:08on Family Matters.
17:09You're exacerbating
17:10the problem
17:10instead of ameliorating it.
17:12I am not.
17:15But just to be sure,
17:16I'm going downstairs
17:17to check the dictionary.
17:19But most often,
17:20the middle child's
17:21apparent genius
17:21just leads to more problems.
17:24Malcolm of Malcolm in the Middle
17:25is the archetypal
17:26smart middle child.
17:28His smarts make him
17:28stand out from the family,
17:29but he often feels
17:31like it makes him weird
17:32rather than superior.
17:34Around here,
17:34being smart
17:35is exactly like
17:36being radioactive.
17:37And while he's good
17:38at school,
17:39he often still has
17:40a hard time
17:40understanding his family,
17:42and they're just
17:43as confused about him.
17:44Is Malcolm a robot?
17:46No, son.
17:47He's just smart.
17:48Very, very,
17:49very, very,
17:50very, very smart.
17:52His parents want him
17:53to be able to do
17:54great things
17:54with his abilities,
17:55especially his mother Lois.
17:57But because he's
17:58so different from them,
17:59they often feel
18:00like they don't know
18:00how to really give him
18:02the help and attention
18:03he needs.
18:04And they've got a lot
18:05to focus on
18:05with their other kids.
18:07The genius middle child's
18:08parents are often
18:09well aware
18:10of their smarts,
18:11but this actually
18:12leads to them
18:13leaving the middle children
18:14to their own devices
18:15even more,
18:16because they feel
18:16like the other children
18:17they have need more help,
18:19while the genius middle child
18:20can handle everything
18:21themselves.
18:22Modern Family's Alex
18:23is the poster child
18:24for this.
18:25Get straight A's
18:26for 10 years,
18:27spend your summers
18:28building houses,
18:29drag your cello
18:30to school every day,
18:31write the perfect essay,
18:33and for what?
18:34Because her older sister
18:35Haley was often
18:36getting into trouble,
18:37and her younger brother
18:38Luke was often
18:38up to something,
18:40Alex was left
18:41to her own devices
18:42to figure out
18:42how to make
18:43her big dreams
18:44a reality.
18:45She took it upon herself
18:46to overachieve
18:47to a wild degree.
18:49And while everyone
18:50in her family
18:50obviously knew
18:51that she was super smart,
18:52no one really understood
18:54how much work
18:55she was putting in
18:56until she had
18:57a full-on mental breakdown.
18:59There is a 16-year-old
19:00science prodigy
19:01studying cancer research
19:02at Johns Hopkins!
19:0316!
19:04What am I doing?
19:05I'm eating cake!
19:06No, no, no!
19:06No!
19:07No!
19:08It took her totally
19:10coming apart at the seams
19:11for her parents
19:12to finally take the time
19:13to understand
19:14just how much pressure
19:15she was under,
19:17and realize that
19:18just because she figured out
19:19how to take care of herself
19:20doesn't mean
19:21that she should have
19:22just been left alone
19:23to deal with everything
19:24in her life.
19:25I had no idea
19:27the kind of pressure
19:27you're under.
19:28Honey, I was just you
19:29for two hours,
19:29I could barely
19:30hold it together.
19:31I don't know how
19:32you don't have a meltdown
19:33every day.
19:34While there are certainly
19:36parts of being a middle child
19:37that can be less than stellar,
19:39it can also actually
19:40set those middle children
19:41up for success
19:42in a number of ways.
19:44While their younger siblings
19:45might never learn
19:46to truly be responsible
19:47for themselves,
19:48because they're always used
19:49to someone else
19:50being there
19:50to pick up the slack
19:51or take the blame,
19:53and their older siblings
19:54might burn out early on
19:55from the stress
19:56of being responsible
19:57for so much so young,
19:59the middle children
19:59can sometimes skate
20:01right through the middle
20:02and actually come out
20:03the other side
20:03as the most well-adjusted
20:05of their siblings.
20:06I know now
20:07I need a purpose.
20:09That's what I've learned.
20:11I can't just lead
20:13one of those purposeless lives.
20:14And while feeling ignored
20:16by those closest to you
20:17can certainly leave
20:18lasting scars,
20:19the ability
20:20to fly under their radar
20:21also allows middle children
20:23a different kind
20:24of freedom
20:24to try out new things,
20:26experiment,
20:27and start to figure out
20:28what they truly want
20:29out of life.
20:30I have regular woman panties
20:31where the string
20:32goes up my crack.
20:33I have tits.
20:35I do sex.
20:36I'm carving my own path.
20:38Since no one else
20:39is going to draw them
20:40a roadmap
20:40or help them along,
20:42they begin working
20:43on finding their own way
20:44from a young age.
20:45I want to use science
20:47to improve the world
20:48like I did in Antarctica.
20:49Back off,
20:50you disgusting snow chicken!
20:51While being overlooked
20:52may have meant
20:53that they had to learn
20:54to fend for themselves,
20:56they can still form
20:57close bonds
20:58with their siblings,
20:59even if they don't
21:00always see eye to eye.
21:01Because of that remove
21:02from which they were able
21:03to view the family,
21:05the middle child
21:05is also able to see
21:07the important,
21:08bigger picture.
21:09Because in the end,
21:10you're my sister.
21:11and one day
21:13only we will remember Sybil
21:15until at last
21:16our shared memories
21:19will mean more
21:20than our mutual dislike.
21:22Middle children
21:22might have an uphill battle
21:23to get the attention
21:24they need
21:25and the respect they deserve,
21:26but that doesn't mean
21:27that they're not
21:28an important part
21:29of their families.
21:30Growing up in the middle
21:31of everything
21:32gives them a different
21:32perspective on the world
21:34and a key set of skills
21:36for surviving it.
21:37It's time we let
21:38the middle children
21:39have their moment
21:40and give them
21:40the appreciation
21:41they deserve.
21:43Something happening
21:43in this house
21:44is actually about me.
21:46Being the baby
21:46of the family
21:47is usually seen
21:48as a major win,
21:49scoring you
21:50all of the attention
21:51and none of the consequences.
21:53Sometimes,
21:54I just like to toss a grenade
21:55and run away.
21:56But it turns out
21:57that being the youngest sibling
21:58isn't always sunshine
21:59and rainbows.
22:00For all of the many positives
22:01that can come
22:02with being the youngest,
22:03there are also
22:04some surprising downsides
22:06that don't get talked
22:07about nearly as often.
22:08So let's take
22:09a deeper look
22:10at youngest child syndrome
22:11in movies and TV
22:11versus real life
22:13to get a better understanding
22:14of the full reality,
22:15good and bad,
22:17of being the last born child.
22:19As we've unpacked
22:20in our other videos
22:21so far in this series,
22:22there's a strongly held notion
22:23that birth order
22:24directly influences
22:25a child's behavior
22:26and personality.
22:27Of all of the different options,
22:29eldest children,
22:30middle children,
22:31only children,
22:31for many,
22:32it seems like the youngest children
22:33have it the best by far.
22:35And some research
22:36seems to suggest
22:37that this is true
22:38to a certain degree.
22:39A 2021 study found
22:41that youngest children
22:42tended to be
22:42the most social,
22:43the most resilient,
22:44and the least likely
22:45to have general difficulties.
22:46But why?
22:48Youngest children's outlook
22:49is, like all children,
22:50shaped greatly
22:51by their family environment
22:52growing up.
22:53This can lead
22:53to a whole host
22:54of negative outcomes,
22:55even for the youngest,
22:56which we'll dive into
22:57in a moment.
22:58Come on, honey.
23:00Jump in the car.
23:01But the last born children,
23:02especially on screen,
23:03often benefit
23:04from a number
23:05of positive factors
23:06that stem directly
23:07from their being
23:07the youngest child
23:08in the family.
23:09Their parents already
23:10have experience
23:11raising at least
23:11one other child,
23:13so they're better able
23:14to prepare for
23:14and plan around
23:15the youngest child
23:16and their needs.
23:17Because the parents
23:18have already been
23:18through the rollercoaster
23:20of child development
23:20with the older sibling
23:21or siblings,
23:22they've had time
23:23to learn the ropes
23:24so that they can better
23:25guide the youngest child
23:26through these stages
23:27and also help foster
23:28the best outcome.
23:30While eldest children
23:30are often made to feel
23:32like the first pancake,
23:33a trial run to figure out
23:35how to do things
23:35correctly the next time,
23:37youngest children
23:38are on the other
23:39end of the spectrum.
23:40Youngest children also often,
23:42though not always,
23:42have older siblings around
23:44to help care for them
23:45so they get additional
23:46love and support.
23:47A major stereotype
23:48about youngest children
23:49is that they're able
23:50to get away with everything.
23:52While the parents
23:52might have been quite strict
23:53with the older children,
23:55by the time the youngest
23:56is born,
23:56they've had time
23:57to loosen up
23:57and accept that
23:58they can't control everything
23:59and often are just
24:01a lot more tired
24:01and burnt out
24:02after raising multiple kids.
24:03And so while the older children
24:05might have been made
24:05to feel like their every move
24:07was being made
24:07under a microscope,
24:09the youngest are more free
24:10to push boundaries
24:11and make mistakes
24:12without suffering
24:13severe consequences
24:14or sometimes
24:15any consequences at all.
24:17I know how to push buttons
24:18to get what I want.
24:20And what I want
24:20is to see a puppet show.
24:22Because they're seen
24:23as the baby,
24:24even as they grow older,
24:26authority figures
24:26often give them
24:27a lot more leeway
24:28because they're seen
24:29as young
24:29and still learning.
24:31Even when the older children
24:32might have been expected
24:33to behave differently
24:34at the same age,
24:35this can unsurprisingly
24:36lead to some resentment
24:38from the older siblings,
24:39who feel like the youngest
24:40is allowed to be,
24:42and sometimes even encouraged
24:43to be,
24:44self-centered
24:44and focused solely
24:45on themselves
24:46without having to think
24:47about anyone else
24:48or the bigger picture.
24:49Sucks to be you, Janine,
24:50but the point of this game
24:51is to survive.
24:52And you can't do that
24:53if you're taking care
24:54of everybody.
24:55So shocking.
24:57What's that supposed to mean?
24:58On screen,
24:59all of this
24:59is often played as fun,
25:01the mischievous
25:01younger sibling
25:02pulling pranks
25:02and wreaking havoc
25:03to add some wackiness
25:04to a story.
25:05And this is certainly
25:06how it can play out
25:07in real life, too,
25:08with the youngest children
25:09providing some much-needed
25:10spirit-lifting
25:11to family dynamics.
25:12But these kinds of tropes
25:13around youngest children
25:14can also elide
25:15some less jovial realities
25:17about being
25:18the last-born child.
25:19While there is a lot
25:20to love about
25:21being the youngest sibling,
25:22it can often split down
25:24two parenting paths
25:25that definitely
25:25don't always feel
25:27like a win.
25:28The first,
25:28at first,
25:29can often come across
25:29as a positive
25:30when the youngest child
25:32is singled out
25:32as the favorite.
25:34This favoritism
25:34can come just by virtue
25:35of them being the baby
25:37or from being the one
25:38the parents were waiting for,
25:40where parents keep
25:40having children
25:41until they get the one
25:42that fits a certain type.
25:43For example,
25:44we often see this
25:44in families of all girls
25:46trying until they
25:46finally get a son.
25:48This can seem like an ideal,
25:50getting to be the center
25:51of attention and affection.
25:52But it can also lead
25:54to the youngest child
25:54being suffocated
25:55by helicopter parents
25:57who don't ever
25:57want to let their baby
25:58grow up.
26:00Where are we going?
26:00A small study group
26:01of friends.
26:02Otherwise known
26:03as an orgy.
26:04Mr. Stratford
26:05is just a party.
26:06And Hela's just a sauna.
26:08On the other hand,
26:09sometimes being the last-born
26:10leads to the exact opposite,
26:12with the youngest child
26:13essentially being forgotten.
26:15We see this often
26:16in chaotic households
26:17on screen,
26:18where amidst the madness,
26:19the youngest child
26:20is often left
26:20to their own devices
26:21to figure out
26:22how to fend for themselves.
26:24These parents have already
26:25raised multiple children
26:26and at a certain point
26:27have just started
26:28to assume
26:29that the younger children
26:30will just pick up everything
26:31from their older siblings.
26:32Hey, don't ditch
26:33your little brother.
26:34I don't want him
26:35getting kidnapped.
26:36Yeah, mom,
26:37that would be terrible.
26:38So they don't actually
26:39need to parent that much.
26:40In reality,
26:41this often leads
26:42to the parenting duties
26:43falling to the older children,
26:45almost always
26:45the eldest daughter,
26:47as we discussed
26:47in our video
26:48on that phenomenon.
26:49This can also lead
26:50to more resentment
26:51on the part
26:51of the older siblings
26:52who become parentified
26:53without anyone asking
26:54how they feel about things
26:55and can lead
26:56to the youngest child
26:57feeling out of place
26:59or like an unwanted
26:59third wheel.
27:01What happens
27:01if you tell mom and dad
27:02about this, Sam?
27:03Don't put Ariel
27:04in the garbage disposal.
27:05There are also the cases
27:06that are a direct flip
27:07of the first type,
27:08where an older sibling
27:09is the favorite
27:10or main parental focus
27:11and so the youngest child
27:13is neglected.
27:14One extreme version
27:14of this can be found
27:15in My Sister's Keeper,
27:17where youngest child Anna
27:18was conceived
27:18specifically to become
27:19a living donor
27:20for her older sister
27:21with leukemia
27:22and had to attempt
27:23to sue her parents
27:24to become medically emancipated
27:26so that she could safely
27:27and healthily
27:28live her own life.
27:30In addition to all of that,
27:31being the youngest
27:32can lead to a number
27:33of personal issues
27:34that they have to learn
27:35to cope with.
27:36The annoying younger sibling
27:37is a long-standing trope,
27:39where the younger child
27:40is made to feel obnoxious
27:41or even like a burden
27:42because they want
27:43to be involved in things
27:44or need more help
27:45because they're younger.
27:47Because they're constantly
27:48around people
27:48who are older than them,
27:50it can lead to them
27:50wanting to be involved
27:51in those same things.
27:52But because they're younger,
27:54this attempt to tag along
27:55can feel more like
27:56an added burden
27:57to the older sibling
27:58than a space for connection.
28:00On Buffy the Vampire Slayer,
28:01Buffy's younger sister Dawn
28:02often wanted to do
28:03what she could
28:04to help the Scooby gang
28:05in their quest,
28:06but was instead made
28:07to feel like she was
28:07a liability
28:08because she was younger
28:09than everyone else.
28:10Until she was able
28:11to grow into her own
28:12and carve out her own space
28:14in the group
28:14as she grew up.
28:15Or on the other end
28:16of the spectrum,
28:17younger siblings
28:18can feel like they
28:18are being held back
28:19by their older siblings
28:21because their parents
28:22base what the youngest
28:22is allowed to do
28:23on what the oldest
28:24has done.
28:25People expect me
28:26to be there.
28:27Cat's not going,
28:28you're not going.
28:29Why can't you be normal?
28:31Define normal.
28:32Youngest children
28:33are often seen as naive
28:34or even incompetent.
28:36Not necessarily
28:36because they are,
28:38but just because
28:38they're always being
28:39compared to their
28:40older siblings
28:41with more life experience.
28:42This means that
28:43they can have a hard time
28:44ever being taken seriously.
28:46Always having others
28:47to look to
28:47when questions
28:48or conflicts arise
28:49can also mean
28:50that they can have
28:50a difficult time
28:51making those kinds
28:52of decisions
28:52on their own
28:53as they grow older.
28:54Youngest children
28:55can also have difficulty
28:56taking responsibility
28:57for things
28:58because they're so used
28:59to other people
29:00taking the blame
29:01or getting hit
29:01with the consequences.
29:02And if they've gotten
29:03used to someone else
29:04always being around
29:05to clean up their messes,
29:06they can have a hard time
29:07figuring out how
29:08to pick up the pieces
29:09on their own.
29:10Constantly feeling
29:11like they're being compared
29:12to their older siblings
29:13and coming up short
29:14can also lead
29:15to a lot of stress.
29:17People had hopes for you
29:18and they gave up on me.
29:19And because they haven't
29:20always been given
29:21the tools to deal
29:22with those kinds
29:22of big negative feelings,
29:24they can instead
29:24develop a habit
29:25of running away
29:26from their problems.
29:27Yeah, fine then.
29:29I couldn't take it.
29:30I couldn't handle it.
29:31So I ran.
29:32I left.
29:33On Abbott Elementary,
29:34we found out that Janine
29:35has a rather strained
29:36relationship with
29:37her younger sister Aisha.
29:38They grew up
29:39in a pretty chaotic household
29:40and ended up dealing
29:42with it in different ways.
29:43Janine was seen
29:44as the smart one
29:45with a good future
29:46ahead of her
29:46and so followed that path.
29:48Aisha felt less than
29:49in comparison
29:50and like she didn't
29:51have a clear path
29:52in life.
29:53So she instead
29:54tried to escape,
29:55which did get her
29:56away from the stress
29:57of their mother,
29:58but also meant
29:59that she lost
30:00her relationship
30:00with Janine.
30:01I get why you
30:03left mom.
30:05I do.
30:08It just kind of felt
30:09like you left me too.
30:10Thankfully,
30:11once they were
30:11finally able to have
30:12an open and honest
30:13conversation about
30:14their problems,
30:15the pair were able
30:16to begin repairing
30:17their relationship.
30:18I came through.
30:19I didn't even realize
30:20you knew where I worked.
30:20I mean, yeah,
30:21it's like the biggest
30:22part of your life.
30:23I do listen, you know.
30:24For youngest children,
30:26a lot of their life
30:26growing up can feel
30:28out of their control.
30:29They can feel crushed
30:30by their parents'
30:31expectations or behavior,
30:32trapped in sibling chaos,
30:34and unable to have
30:35any real control
30:36over anything
30:37because they're just
30:38the baby.
30:39This can sometimes
30:39lead to the youngest
30:40feeling the need
30:41to be the peacemaker
30:41of their family,
30:43trying to do whatever
30:43they can to calm
30:45all of that chaos.
30:46And as we see
30:46with Christina
30:47and his three daughters,
30:48that drive can continue
30:49well into adulthood.
30:51And while it can,
30:52of course,
30:52be positive,
30:53having someone there
30:54to cool everyone down
30:55and remind them
30:55that their family
30:56is important.
30:57Christina,
30:58can you explain
30:58what this is all about?
30:59I'm not sure.
30:59Okay, don't play
31:00f***ing them.
31:01F*** you.
31:01Hey, hey, hey,
31:02everyone stop.
31:03It does have
31:04a major emotional toll
31:05that often isn't
31:06fully appreciated.
31:08We also sometimes
31:08see the youngest
31:09going for a more direct
31:10and total form
31:11of control in adulthood.
31:12The Bears Carmy
31:13is a great example
31:14of this.
31:15His family life
31:15was immensely chaotic
31:17and so initially
31:18his goal in adulthood
31:19was just to get out.
31:20He was seen as the one
31:21with a bright future
31:22ahead of him,
31:23but also as the one
31:24who left the family behind.
31:26While everyone else
31:26stayed close,
31:27he went off to culinary school
31:29and worked in kitchens
31:29far away
31:30and didn't visit home
31:32very often because...
31:33This is why I didn't
31:34want to come home.
31:35This is why.
31:35Oh, f*** you.
31:36What the f***?
31:37What?
31:38What the f*** would you say
31:39that?
31:39Oh, what's that time?
31:41Whatever, okay?
31:41After his brother passed,
31:43Carmy felt compelled
31:44to not only keep
31:45the restaurant alive,
31:46but to, in his mind,
31:47improve it.
31:48I want to fix this place.
31:50I was asking you to.
31:51On top of the already
31:53existing pressure
31:53of taking up
31:54his brother's mantle
31:55and debt,
31:56he also added
31:56his own extra level
31:58of stress
31:58by aiming to elevate
31:59the simple sandwich shop
32:01into fine cuisine.
32:02In this,
32:03we can see how
32:03the fixer younger sibling
32:05can allow their nature
32:06to drive their lives
32:07to the extreme,
32:09attempting to not only
32:10make things better
32:10or good,
32:11but perfect.
32:12I think it's very clear
32:13that me trying
32:14to fix the restaurant
32:15was me trying to fix
32:18whatever was happening
32:18with my brother.
32:19Over the seasons,
32:20we've seen how this
32:21has helped Carmy
32:21build something great,
32:23but also how it's come
32:24at a great emotional cost.
32:26Friends' Monica
32:27is also known
32:28for her need
32:28to be in control.
32:30I'm the hostess!
32:31Not those guys!
32:33I'm always the hostess!
32:35Growing up,
32:36she was always treated
32:37as second best
32:38compared to her
32:38older brother Ross
32:40and mocked for everything
32:41about her life choices,
32:42including her weight.
32:43This turned into
32:44her seeking control
32:45over herself,
32:46her image,
32:47and everything in her orbit
32:48to a major degree
32:49in adulthood.
32:50You're not dressed yet?
32:51We're supposed to start
32:52having fun in 15 minutes!
32:55Well, and clearly
32:56not a minute sooner.
32:57She feels like
32:58if she can just
32:59control everything,
33:00make everything go
33:00just exactly
33:01how she thinks
33:02it should,
33:02then she can erase
33:03all of the stress
33:04and anxiety
33:05for not only herself,
33:06but her friends, too.
33:07You're the first guest
33:08at Hotel Monica!
33:09Yeah!
33:10You just have to tell me
33:11how you like your eggs
33:11in the morning.
33:12I thought I would bring them
33:13to you, you know,
33:14in bed.
33:14Her perfectionism
33:15is a function
33:16of how she felt
33:17she needed to behave
33:18to be lovable,
33:19given how she was treated
33:20as the youngest sibling
33:21and only girl.
33:22You know,
33:22everyone wants
33:23a different kind of potato,
33:24so I'm making
33:25different kinds of potatoes!
33:27You know,
33:27does anybody care
33:28what kind of potatoes
33:29I want?
33:30No!
33:31While being the youngest sibling
33:32can lead to a lot of stress,
33:34it can also lead to
33:35a lot of positive outcomes,
33:37too.
33:37Having had the opportunity
33:38to watch their older siblings
33:40grow up,
33:41try and fail,
33:42and work their way
33:42through life
33:43can give the youngest sibling
33:44a leg up in their own life.
33:46They don't have to feel
33:47like they're totally
33:47in uncharted waters
33:48or having to figure things out
33:50all by themselves.
33:51Amy March of Little Women,
33:52for example,
33:53is rather pragmatic
33:54as an adult
33:55after fitting the
33:56bratty baby sibling trope
33:57to a T in childhood.
33:58And this is thanks
33:59to her smarts,
34:00but also because
34:01she got to watch
34:02her older sister's lives
34:03play out
34:04and then begin making
34:05her own decisions
34:06about her own life
34:07based on what she'd learned.
34:08Younger siblings
34:09also get the chance
34:10to find ways
34:10to use the traits
34:11and skills they picked up
34:12from their older siblings
34:13to build a happy life
34:15for themselves in adulthood
34:16and also sometimes
34:17even be the one
34:18to help out
34:18their older siblings.
34:19That's for making
34:20my day bleed!
34:21That's for my sister!
34:23Oh!
34:24And that's for me!
34:26And having had to learn
34:27how to deal with
34:27different personalities
34:28growing up
34:29often means that
34:30they're good with people.
34:31Like every other sibling
34:32regardless of birth order
34:34and even the only children,
34:35youngest children
34:36have their own good
34:37and bad experiences
34:38to deal with.
34:39Their resilience
34:39and confidence
34:40can help them do this
34:41in a positive way,
34:42building a better life
34:43for not only themselves
34:44but everyone else
34:45they love too.
34:46There's something
34:47about only children
34:48that makes them stand out.
34:50He's the classic
34:51only child.
34:52He pouts when things
34:52don't go his way
34:53and he only sees things
34:54in black and white.
34:55Spoiled, self-centered,
34:57weird, and lonely,
34:58growing up without siblings
34:59shapes them in a way
35:00that makes it hard
35:01for them to fit in.
35:02Kid, have you ever
35:03been to a shrink?
35:05Since I was three.
35:06Or at least that's
35:07what movies and TV
35:08want us to think.
35:09Only child syndrome
35:10is a long-standing trope,
35:12both on screen
35:12and in real life,
35:13that suggests that
35:14being the only
35:15sets you up
35:16for a lot of problems
35:17throughout childhood
35:18and into your adult years.
35:19I'm not being
35:20overdramatic
35:20when I say
35:21that I would rather
35:21sit naked
35:22on a hot grill
35:22than wear something
35:24off the rack.
35:25But is that actually true?
35:27Let's take a deeper look
35:28at the traits
35:28associated with
35:29only child syndrome
35:30versus the reality
35:31of what it's like
35:32to be an only kid
35:33to find out why
35:35everyone's convinced
35:36it's such a miserable time
35:37and if it really spells
35:38doom for anyone
35:40growing up solo.
35:41What's wrong with me?
35:43Ooh, don't open that door.
35:44One of the central stereotypes
35:45about only children
35:46is that they're spoiled,
35:48that being the sole focus
35:49of their parents' love
35:50and attention
35:51leads them to becoming
35:52self-centered brats.
35:53You're spoiled
35:54because you're an only child.
35:56They've grown up
35:57in a world focused on
35:58them and their wants
35:59and needs
36:00and so often
36:01have a hard time
36:02remembering that
36:02other people aren't
36:03just supporting characters
36:04in their story.
36:06Ryan, Ryan, Ryan,
36:07you sleep?
36:08Yeah.
36:08Oh, okay, sorry.
36:09I'm gonna let you
36:10go back to sleep, okay?
36:11As bad as things are
36:12for me right now,
36:12they're much worse for you, so...
36:13What?
36:14Because their parents
36:15aren't having to split
36:16resources amongst multiple kids,
36:18that can mean
36:18the only child
36:19is allowed more access
36:20and leeway
36:21when it comes to
36:21their interests and hobbies.
36:23And it can also mean
36:24that the parents themselves
36:25are able to dedicate
36:26more time to the child.
36:28One thing that's important
36:28to know about me
36:29is that I'm an only child,
36:31so my mom is really devoted to me.
36:33Parents of single children
36:34on screen are often shown
36:35to ignore their child's flaws
36:37in favor of doting on them
36:39endlessly
36:39because they're afraid
36:40of losing their only child.
36:42Oh, my sweet,
36:44innocent Jason.
36:45My only child.
36:50Or other times,
36:52having a child
36:52was just a box to check
36:54and not something
36:54that the parents truly desired.
36:56And so, once the kid is born,
36:58they're essentially
36:59all on their own.
37:00You don't give her respect.
37:02You give her whatever
37:03she asks for
37:03so that you don't have
37:04to deal with her.
37:07She's eight years old.
37:09But while it might be true
37:10in some cases
37:10that overindulgence
37:12from parents
37:12can cause an only child
37:13to become a bit rotten,
37:15which is often what we see
37:16played up on screen for humor.
37:18Can someone please get my towel?
37:20It's in my room
37:21next to my Irish walking cape.
37:22The larger reality
37:23is that most only children
37:24come to seem self-focused
37:26because they are all they've got.
37:28They don't have a sibling
37:29to lean on or learn from.
37:30And so,
37:31they become used to doing things
37:32their own way
37:33because that's all they have.
37:35They usually learn to work
37:36and play with their peers
37:37at school
37:38and in extracurriculars,
37:40but they become accustomed
37:41to being solo
37:42pretty much all of the rest
37:43of the time.
37:44And often,
37:45especially in recent decades,
37:46parents are having only one child
37:48not because they have some desire
37:50to spoil a single kid rotten,
37:52but because they can barely
37:53even afford to make ends meet
37:55with one child,
37:56much less multiple.
37:57Money is tight as is
37:58and then the class trip comes up
38:00and there's always
38:00some new thing to pay for.
38:02As Charlie Locke noted
38:03in her piece
38:04on the only child stigma for Vox,
38:06fewer Americans are having kids.
38:07The U.S. birth rate fell 23%
38:10from 2007 to 2022.
38:12The reasons for the drop
38:13in fertility are manifold,
38:15climate doom,
38:16financial precarity and inflation,
38:18and a lack of support
38:19for families and working mothers.
38:21Gilmore Girls is interesting
38:22in that it showcases
38:23many different only children
38:25and in that,
38:26we can more easily see
38:27how problems like selfishness
38:29aren't just born out of being
38:30an only child,
38:31but how the child was raised.
38:33A huge number of major characters
38:35on the show are only children.
38:36Rory, Lorelai, Paris, Lane, Jess, Suki,
38:39and Christopher are all only children,
38:42though Rory and Jess do get younger siblings
38:44when they're older,
38:45a phenomenon that we'll unpack in a bit.
38:47Rory is pretty notoriously spoiled.
38:49I mean, I'm a Gilmore.
38:50Do they know that?
38:52My ancestors came over on the Mayflower.
38:54She lives as if she's the main character of life
38:56because she's been treated that way
38:58by everyone around her,
38:59not just her mom.
39:00But her entire town treats her
39:02as if she's a perfect special angel
39:04who can do no wrong.
39:05So it's not surprising that as she grew up,
39:07she had a bit of a complex.
39:09She thought everything should go her way,
39:11and she was often completely unable
39:13to deal with any kind of pushback or criticism.
39:16But that isn't the case
39:17for other only kids on the show.
39:19Lane was her parents' only child too,
39:20but she was not treated as if she was special,
39:23just the opposite.
39:24She was often treated as if she was failing
39:26to live up to her parents' standards
39:28and felt like she had to hide her true self,
39:30and she very seldom gets what she wants out of life.
39:33Paris is certainly very Paris-focused,
39:35but unlike Rory,
39:36she doesn't expect everything to just be handed to her.
39:39She fights tooth and nail
39:41to get to the top of the ladder
39:42and keep her place there.
39:43I've been a camp counselor,
39:45I organized a senior literacy program,
39:46I worked a suicide hotline,
39:48I manned a runaway center,
39:49I've adopted dolphins,
39:50taught sign language,
39:51trained seeing eye dogs.
39:52In stories in line with Lane's and Paris's,
39:54we can see another difficulty
39:56of being an only child come to the surface,
39:58being the only one there
40:00to shoulder their parents' pressure
40:02and to carry the burden of the family's future.
40:04There's no one else there to share the pain
40:06or help bear the weight of expectations,
40:08so it all falls to the only child.
40:11Yes, Dad's always spoken very highly of Dartmouth,
40:13but I'd like to check out West,
40:14you know, maybe USC, UCLA.
40:16His mother wouldn't hear of it.
40:17Dartmouth is far enough away for her.
40:19Yes, well, Dartmouth is my first choice.
40:21And in adulthood,
40:22this also encompasses being their parents'
40:24only avenue for grandchildren
40:26and being alone in end-of-life and funeral planning
40:29as their parents reach their own ends.
40:31Next to being spoiled,
40:32the other main stereotype that only children get stuck with
40:35is that they're weird loners.
40:37The problem in the house is that
40:38I was an only child,
40:41I don't have a lot of friends,
40:42I've never had roommates before,
40:43so I don't know how to, like,
40:44you know, deal with everyone.
40:46The assumption is that because they didn't have other children at home
40:48to grow up with,
40:49they weren't able to learn how to connect with others their own age,
40:52and that because they spend so much time off in their own little world,
40:56they have a harder time fitting in.
40:57So when you lost your virginity,
40:59I was playing Magic the Gathering.
41:01You still play Magic?
41:03Yeah, but not as much.
41:05Some parents are even afraid of having just one kid
41:07because they think it will cause the kid to be weird.
41:10Are we really going to deprive him of a sibling?
41:12I just don't want him to turn out weird, you know?
41:14But the reality is just having siblings doesn't for sure mean
41:18that you'll have a positive relationship with them,
41:20or even any relationship at all.
41:22While some siblings are incredibly close and loving,
41:25others can form rather destructive relationships.
41:28Wait, stop, stop it, stop it, get that, you f***ing see him.
41:33Just stop it, stop.
41:35Being an only child can be incredibly lonely
41:37if their parents are aloof and distant.
41:40Do you see her anywhere?
41:42News for Lash.
41:44You're not gonna.
41:45Unless you make an appointment with her assistant
41:47or hang around her bedroom door at three o'clock in the morning.
41:50But only children can also form tight, loving bonds
41:53with their parents that feel like a friendship in their own way.
41:56I'm an only child and I, um, I didn't see it coming.
42:00You know, we were really close.
42:01We used to call ourselves the Three Musketeers.
42:05This, and the fact that because only children
42:07often spend more time outside of school with adults,
42:10their parents and their parents' friends
42:12can actually be a major contributor to only children coming across as odd.
42:16Classic New York lonely boy.
42:18What?
42:19New York lonely boy?
42:21A son born to older parents who's more comfortable around adults than kids?
42:24They can come across as precocious and less attuned to what their peers are into,
42:28which can make them stand out around kids their age.
42:31And if their parents smother them with attention and attempt to mold them,
42:35this can lead to them taking on even more seemingly weird traits.
42:39Words that have never been used to describe Schmidt.
42:42Spontaneous, flexible, easygoing.
42:45I'm like a marine.
42:46You're nothing like a marine.
42:47I'm totally like a marine, all right?
42:48And because they have more time and mental space to focus on themselves
42:52and their own interests without the judging gaze of a sibling,
42:55they can also be less afraid to lean into traits that might come across as odd
43:00or things that others might put them down for
43:02and find ways to feel secure in who they are.
43:04I don't feel bad about it.
43:06You never made me feel bad about it.
43:08And just because there are some people in the world
43:10who want me to feel bad about it doesn't mean I have to.
43:14While a lot is made of the idea that only children are weirdos
43:17with connection issues,
43:18I don't know how only children are.
43:20How are only children?
43:21You guys are like rafters where you need like 15 meters.
43:26So crazy.
43:27The reality is often quite the opposite.
43:29They not only make friends but hold those friendships incredibly close.
43:33What if Nick gets into an accident?
43:35What if he's horribly disfigured and I have to identify him?
43:38I'm standing there and I'm saying,
43:40sorry officer, I can't help you because no, I haven't seen his penis.
43:45They may not always be able to connect easily with their peers at first,
43:48but once they do, they hold on tight.
43:50For them, their friends are their family
43:52and so they deeply cherish those bonds.
43:55We're sisters.
43:56You're my family.
43:57What is you is me.
43:59There's nothing that you could ever say to make me let go.
44:03I love you.
44:04One offshoot of the only child trope that pops up a lot on screen,
44:07particularly on long-running TV shows,
44:09is the only child being surprised with a sibling.
44:12Sometimes this is one that's been around the whole time
44:15that they just didn't know about.
44:16My gods, I'm not an only child.
44:18I'm a twin.
44:19Sometimes it's a step-sibling that arrives via their parent's new partner.
44:23Or sometimes their parents have a new baby,
44:26usually either a surprise later in life baby
44:28or to create a new family with a new partner.
44:31Regardless of how they show up,
44:33the new sibling is always a shock for the previously only child.
44:37Much of their life had been based on being the only kid in their parents' life
44:40and now they have to figure out how to deal with splitting the attention and space.
44:44These new kids are usually shoehorned in as a new obstacle for the family to overcome
44:49when a show feels like it's running out of drama steam
44:52or just wants a newer, younger face in the cast.
44:55Buffy, if you're going out, why don't you take your sister?
45:00Mom!
45:01When they do become central to the plot in any real way,
45:04it's usually as a vehicle to get the only child to work through some of their issues
45:08and learn how to deal with not being the center of attention.
45:11And while this is often a pretty difficult uphill battle,
45:14it often turns out to lead to a very rewarding relationship for the newfound siblings.
45:19On The O.C., archetypal only child Seth Cohen has become very comfortable
45:23as the center of attention in his little Orange County bubble.
45:27Ryan coming into his life and house is a difficult adjustment,
45:30but gives Seth the opportunity to connect with someone
45:33that he would never have been friends with just meeting out in the world.
45:36And Seth becomes a better, if still imperfect, person for it.
45:40Hold on a second, Ryan.
45:41Um, it seems to me that what we have here is a Chris-maca miracle!
45:48Being an only child is certainly not without its challenges,
45:50but it isn't doomed to being the gloomy, self-centered existence
45:54stereotypes might lead us to believe.
45:56Every story has an end.
45:59But in life, every ending is just a new beginning.
46:03Finding their place in the world can require the only child
46:06to step out of their comfort zone and embrace some uncertainty.
46:09By learning to embrace their more weird traits,
46:12while also making sure that they don't dip too far into being self-focused,
46:16they can carve out a place for themselves full of connections and tight bonds.
46:21I told you, we make a good team.
46:22I'm the brains, you're the brawn.
46:24Hey, how come you're the brains?
46:25I'm the one who's popped us back into that club.
46:27I'm sorry, I'm the brains.
46:29Being the only child doesn't mean being forever alone.
46:32It just means that you get to build your own family
46:34out of the people you care about and who care about you.
46:37That's the take.
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